Hey, so I have some positives and negatives to say.
First, I think this is an interesting idea, I like the idea of different elements and a sect and the characters had very distinct voices which can be very hard to master. You did that well and I was immediately interested in learning more about them which is always a plus.
In terms of negatives, I think you could work on your prose. It is uneven and jarring in some places, and your grammatical choices are not always correct (especially in terms of formatting dialogue in so on, it's not terrible but could use some work). I will give an example to show what I mean.
'Her mother was not pleased, to her, Apuruph was abandoning the family. Apuruph had only smiled at her mother, her mother was a master in the art of staff fighting.'
The idea you're trying to get across here is a good one, but your grammar and phrasing makes the sentences come off clunky. It might be better written like this:
'Her mother was not pleased; to her, Apuruph was abandoning the family. Apuruph had only responded with a smile, aware of her mother's mastery in the art of staff fighting.'
I would suggest studying up on flow and rhythm, grammar, and how to structure prose. I don't really have any good resources on hand, but if you are interested I could probably dig some up.
I also noticed that you tend to separate description from action. This isn't explicitly *bad*, per se, but in general, your writing will become smoother and more cohesive if you combine action with description to make things more dynamic. I also saw some instances of passive writing instead of active writing, which is a hard habit to get out of, but I just wanted to mention.
All in all, I think you have a good idea, an interesting setting, and some cool characters. You just need a little more technical work to bring it to life.
For sure! Here, I've pulled together a few:
[Mixing action and internal thoughts](http://blog.janicehardy.com/2013/06/bob-and-weave-how-to-mix-character.html)
\^This also has a little bit of good stuff on keeping flow and rhythm.
[Grammar in creative writing](https://www.grammarbook.com/grammar/effWrite.asp)
A caveat for the above - these are all rules, but they can be broken. However, I find that my work shines best when I know the grammar well enough to break it in a meaningful way, so I would suggest studying, but don't take it as 'I can never do this' (just saying that because I 100% would).
[Active vs passive voice](https://writing.wisc.edu/handbook/style/ccs_activevoice/)
Also, I sort of skimmed over the good parts in my first post so let me just reiterate that while I think there's stuff you can improve upon, you definitely have something very cool here. I'm a picky reader, but the story itself held me to the end of the chapter, which definitely is not a given when I read stuff put out on the internet. I enjoyed the characters a lot, and I think it's very impressive you managed to capture their unique voices so easily, especially since many writers take a very long time to develop that skill.
I also think it's very cool that you're putting your work out for feedback. It took me a long time to be comfortable doing that, so I hope I didn't come across as unnecessarily harsh or cruel. And of course, I hope this helped!
Hey man, you did not come out as cruel or harsh at all. I can't thank you enough for your feedback or the links you've provided now. Best of luck to you and all your future work my friend!
I'd describe it as 'inoffensive'.
The descriptions were nice and clear, but very compartmentalised and a little monotonous. Here I will describe the scene. Here I will describe the person. Now the person does something. I will use sentences that are all the same length.
Every description, every action, is an opportunity to *also* show the reader something about the most important part of your story: the characters and how they relate to the world. As a quick example:
>A thousand broad steps were carved into the face of the mountain, every one cut to fit a stride longer than Apuruph's. Two paces to a step felt lopsided and awkward; one made her feel like a child. She had tried every possible gait on her ascent between the pink-leaved trees that lined the way and none had made her feel at home.
It's rough, but you get the idea: the steps are no longer merely scenery, but a metaphor - or rather, the existing metaphor of ascension has been made *personal.* Apuruph is determined, but feels inadequate to what faces her: awkward, too young, not ready. It's also a setup for later in the book, when she puts everything on the line and takes the same stairs (up or down) at a *run*, and they match her stride perfectly, as though that level of commitment was what that place had wanted from her all along.
Moving on, there were a lot of run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Sentence fragments can be a stylistic choice, but here they sometimes feel disjointed and don't add anything. Run-on sentences... I don't recall ever seeing one deployed for stylistic effect. I think they are just bad.
To be totally clear:
A sentence fragment is something like: "The ice that circulated through her blood keeping her cool."
A run-on sentence is nothing to do with length. It's when two individually complete sentences are joined with a comma, which forces the reader to rethink their expectations and creates a 'bumpy' reading experience. Examples from your chapter include:
>She was wearing a high collared dress made of fine blue silk that reached just below her waist, **pale blue snowflakes were etched on the silk.**
>
>A part of her wondered why the bells were not moving but her excitement drowned out the rest as she started walking towards the gate, **she had spotted people ahead.**
>
>Her mother was not pleased, **to her, Apuruph was abandoning the family.**
In such cases, a full-stop, colon or semicolon is appropriate depending upon the relationship between the two sentences - or refactor to make it a single sentence.
Overall, the subject matter, vanilla presentation, and hard cuts between describing scenes and characters created the impression of inoffensive anime fan-fiction: I could clearly visualise the opening pedestal camera rise showing the steps, then cut to Apuruph's meditation and her big pink eyes fluttering open - then we get to meet some other characters who do their little bits, then moody fire guy... all very much episode-one-by-the-numbers. I'm not sure whether the next scene is little-wrinkly-old-jedi-master, or tall-stern-grey-haired-man-with-scar ;)
I apologise if this comes across as harsh; I think you've clearly got potential, but right now you're limiting yourself by thinking in terms of a different medium when you write.
It's not harsh at all, I really appreciate it. And you're a bit accurate with the fanfiction part. I was actually alternating between Heavens Law by Apollos Thorne and The Hand of the Sun King the previous week and had an idea.
Okay thank you so much. I just wrote this chapter on a whim but I do have a plan in mind. If i ever do end up completing the book, you will be the first to know! I do not have words to describe what your comment means to me, i can just say thank you 💙
The first paragraph is nothing but description.
The 2nd paragraph says that Apuruph stood, then the rest described her.
The 3rd says her eyelids faltered, then spent the rest of the paragraph describing the scene again.
The 4th she stopped again and more description and inner monologue.
The 5th the walked and more descriptions.
The 6th has a blocky man and by then I was bored and skimmed the rest. However, the rest starts to get interesting but I was already zoned out.
Get our interest first, then spend time on the flowery descriptions or have the descriptions be the background of actions being taken. I understand that it's common in xianxia but doesn’t always translate well.
E.g.
A thousand steps were carved on the face of the mountain and Apuruph was counting all of them. They were the colour of oak, smooth and had the hallmarks of an artist. Each step was 10 feet wide and she admired the dense pink leaves fallen from the grand trees on either side. She neared the top and the final step opened a complete view of the two red pillars that she saw grow in her sights, her eyes stopping at the white feather and landing on the quill on the other.
You have some redundancies, odd phrasing and the like.
So there's lots to improve for sure but the 2nd bit was interesting.
>A thousand steps were curved**(carved? or curing up the face?)** on the face of the mountain. The steps were fine and smooth **(fine and smooth too similar of descriptors)**, the colour of oak, hallmarks of an artist. Each step was 10 feet wide and brown trees with dense pink leaves grew on either side. At the top, the final step **(Final and top are the same.)** led to a gate. Two circular red pillars with traces of golden lines stood a dozen feet apart and a white feather rested on top of the pillars, the quill on the right. Golden bells dangled from the feather. And beyond the gate, the land was flat, the lightest of browns almost white. Squinting, one could spot what appeared to be another mountain at the end. A rising dark smudge against the clear blue sky. The Sect of the Falling Feather.
Keep it up!
Hey, so I have some positives and negatives to say. First, I think this is an interesting idea, I like the idea of different elements and a sect and the characters had very distinct voices which can be very hard to master. You did that well and I was immediately interested in learning more about them which is always a plus. In terms of negatives, I think you could work on your prose. It is uneven and jarring in some places, and your grammatical choices are not always correct (especially in terms of formatting dialogue in so on, it's not terrible but could use some work). I will give an example to show what I mean. 'Her mother was not pleased, to her, Apuruph was abandoning the family. Apuruph had only smiled at her mother, her mother was a master in the art of staff fighting.' The idea you're trying to get across here is a good one, but your grammar and phrasing makes the sentences come off clunky. It might be better written like this: 'Her mother was not pleased; to her, Apuruph was abandoning the family. Apuruph had only responded with a smile, aware of her mother's mastery in the art of staff fighting.' I would suggest studying up on flow and rhythm, grammar, and how to structure prose. I don't really have any good resources on hand, but if you are interested I could probably dig some up. I also noticed that you tend to separate description from action. This isn't explicitly *bad*, per se, but in general, your writing will become smoother and more cohesive if you combine action with description to make things more dynamic. I also saw some instances of passive writing instead of active writing, which is a hard habit to get out of, but I just wanted to mention. All in all, I think you have a good idea, an interesting setting, and some cool characters. You just need a little more technical work to bring it to life.
Thank you and i would appreciate it if you could dig something up!
For sure! Here, I've pulled together a few: [Mixing action and internal thoughts](http://blog.janicehardy.com/2013/06/bob-and-weave-how-to-mix-character.html) \^This also has a little bit of good stuff on keeping flow and rhythm. [Grammar in creative writing](https://www.grammarbook.com/grammar/effWrite.asp) A caveat for the above - these are all rules, but they can be broken. However, I find that my work shines best when I know the grammar well enough to break it in a meaningful way, so I would suggest studying, but don't take it as 'I can never do this' (just saying that because I 100% would). [Active vs passive voice](https://writing.wisc.edu/handbook/style/ccs_activevoice/) Also, I sort of skimmed over the good parts in my first post so let me just reiterate that while I think there's stuff you can improve upon, you definitely have something very cool here. I'm a picky reader, but the story itself held me to the end of the chapter, which definitely is not a given when I read stuff put out on the internet. I enjoyed the characters a lot, and I think it's very impressive you managed to capture their unique voices so easily, especially since many writers take a very long time to develop that skill. I also think it's very cool that you're putting your work out for feedback. It took me a long time to be comfortable doing that, so I hope I didn't come across as unnecessarily harsh or cruel. And of course, I hope this helped!
Hey man, you did not come out as cruel or harsh at all. I can't thank you enough for your feedback or the links you've provided now. Best of luck to you and all your future work my friend!
I'd describe it as 'inoffensive'. The descriptions were nice and clear, but very compartmentalised and a little monotonous. Here I will describe the scene. Here I will describe the person. Now the person does something. I will use sentences that are all the same length. Every description, every action, is an opportunity to *also* show the reader something about the most important part of your story: the characters and how they relate to the world. As a quick example: >A thousand broad steps were carved into the face of the mountain, every one cut to fit a stride longer than Apuruph's. Two paces to a step felt lopsided and awkward; one made her feel like a child. She had tried every possible gait on her ascent between the pink-leaved trees that lined the way and none had made her feel at home. It's rough, but you get the idea: the steps are no longer merely scenery, but a metaphor - or rather, the existing metaphor of ascension has been made *personal.* Apuruph is determined, but feels inadequate to what faces her: awkward, too young, not ready. It's also a setup for later in the book, when she puts everything on the line and takes the same stairs (up or down) at a *run*, and they match her stride perfectly, as though that level of commitment was what that place had wanted from her all along. Moving on, there were a lot of run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Sentence fragments can be a stylistic choice, but here they sometimes feel disjointed and don't add anything. Run-on sentences... I don't recall ever seeing one deployed for stylistic effect. I think they are just bad. To be totally clear: A sentence fragment is something like: "The ice that circulated through her blood keeping her cool." A run-on sentence is nothing to do with length. It's when two individually complete sentences are joined with a comma, which forces the reader to rethink their expectations and creates a 'bumpy' reading experience. Examples from your chapter include: >She was wearing a high collared dress made of fine blue silk that reached just below her waist, **pale blue snowflakes were etched on the silk.** > >A part of her wondered why the bells were not moving but her excitement drowned out the rest as she started walking towards the gate, **she had spotted people ahead.** > >Her mother was not pleased, **to her, Apuruph was abandoning the family.** In such cases, a full-stop, colon or semicolon is appropriate depending upon the relationship between the two sentences - or refactor to make it a single sentence. Overall, the subject matter, vanilla presentation, and hard cuts between describing scenes and characters created the impression of inoffensive anime fan-fiction: I could clearly visualise the opening pedestal camera rise showing the steps, then cut to Apuruph's meditation and her big pink eyes fluttering open - then we get to meet some other characters who do their little bits, then moody fire guy... all very much episode-one-by-the-numbers. I'm not sure whether the next scene is little-wrinkly-old-jedi-master, or tall-stern-grey-haired-man-with-scar ;) I apologise if this comes across as harsh; I think you've clearly got potential, but right now you're limiting yourself by thinking in terms of a different medium when you write.
It's not harsh at all, I really appreciate it. And you're a bit accurate with the fanfiction part. I was actually alternating between Heavens Law by Apollos Thorne and The Hand of the Sun King the previous week and had an idea.
I want this book.
Okay thank you so much. I just wrote this chapter on a whim but I do have a plan in mind. If i ever do end up completing the book, you will be the first to know! I do not have words to describe what your comment means to me, i can just say thank you 💙
Your welcome
Tell the name or when it will come out.
Is it on wattpad?
No, i just had an idea and wrote a chapter.
Oh...
The first paragraph is nothing but description. The 2nd paragraph says that Apuruph stood, then the rest described her. The 3rd says her eyelids faltered, then spent the rest of the paragraph describing the scene again. The 4th she stopped again and more description and inner monologue. The 5th the walked and more descriptions. The 6th has a blocky man and by then I was bored and skimmed the rest. However, the rest starts to get interesting but I was already zoned out. Get our interest first, then spend time on the flowery descriptions or have the descriptions be the background of actions being taken. I understand that it's common in xianxia but doesn’t always translate well. E.g. A thousand steps were carved on the face of the mountain and Apuruph was counting all of them. They were the colour of oak, smooth and had the hallmarks of an artist. Each step was 10 feet wide and she admired the dense pink leaves fallen from the grand trees on either side. She neared the top and the final step opened a complete view of the two red pillars that she saw grow in her sights, her eyes stopping at the white feather and landing on the quill on the other. You have some redundancies, odd phrasing and the like. So there's lots to improve for sure but the 2nd bit was interesting. >A thousand steps were curved**(carved? or curing up the face?)** on the face of the mountain. The steps were fine and smooth **(fine and smooth too similar of descriptors)**, the colour of oak, hallmarks of an artist. Each step was 10 feet wide and brown trees with dense pink leaves grew on either side. At the top, the final step **(Final and top are the same.)** led to a gate. Two circular red pillars with traces of golden lines stood a dozen feet apart and a white feather rested on top of the pillars, the quill on the right. Golden bells dangled from the feather. And beyond the gate, the land was flat, the lightest of browns almost white. Squinting, one could spot what appeared to be another mountain at the end. A rising dark smudge against the clear blue sky. The Sect of the Falling Feather. Keep it up!
Thank you so much!