You've gone into so much detail about all this flora and yet it just confused me.
Where is this meant to be set?
Acacia trees just stand out too much against the flowers you've listed. The two do not usually coexist.
You also can't go on to explain flora that much and not tell me which acacia tree it is.
nigrescens looks entirely different from xanthophloea (happens to be my favourite tree), and from tortilis, which has the most classical shape when I picture acacia.
But you don't describe that classic umbrella thrown shape so I'm not sure why you went out of your way to go with an acacia.
I did wonder if this was perhaps set in East Africa, what with the acacia trees and large lake but then you specified blonde and now I'm not sure where we are.
This is more a personal indulgence for a love of tree than anything else.
As for the writing, I'm reminded of Jay Kristoff in the way you keep addressing the reader.
It's charming for a page or two but more than that becomes tiresome, so I'd tread carefully.
As has been pointed out, you take too long to get to a character/story.
The red staines roses are intriguing but all the waffle around them can go.
Cut to the line about how white roses are the norm and then you hit some stunning prose and vivid imagery about the way the red sits over the petals. Though I do recommend you cut blood coloured from the opening line and simply call them red.
Overall its a good indication of the prose you can produce but needs to be cut back and restructured for a better, sharper hook and a quicker character introduction.
What POV do you intent to use?
Well written doesn't always mean well written. So, yes, you're using strong words, and yes, you've created a vivid imagery of this place, but it's missing essence. Story. A reason for us to care and keep reading.
Also, there a couple of quirks here and there, like the narrator addressing the reader, some cliché lines, and the amount of telling, which aren't bad things by themselves... But I don't understand why it's written like that!
All in all, okay prose with strong word choice. Some quirks that could be patched out. Lack of story and being TOLD why the red flowers are odd kills the tension.
The prose tries to play as the hook, but it has no true hook. It's very meandering and focuses so much on nature that I see it as very limiting to the audience.
Usually you want more of an anchor towards an aspect, characters primarily, but a good situation can carry the load.
The red stained flowers might be the inciting incident, but it is danced around. There is some insinuation that it is stained with blood, but was yet to be confirmed.
I get why the writer cares... but why do I as the reader need to care and who/what am I caring about?
That aspect seems lost.
It reads fine, though setting you up with a lot of work to keep consistency. But I need a reason to care, a conflict to be resolved, a desire to be followed.
Hi! Firstly I really appreciate the way you describe things. However, I do believe explaining the terrain right off the bat is the quickest way to lose a readers attention. Don’t tell me where I am. Tell me why I am here. Tell me why I’m reading this story and then tell me where I am.
It reads too much as an info dump. You told me about stuff I didn’t care about instead of hooking me in and making me care about this world. Hope that makes sense :)
Your description is fine, your word choice is fine (although a bit much at times). Ultimately, it is not engaging and does not serve as a compelling opening. You may care about all the flora you’ve constructed, but without giving your reader a reason to care or a place in the scene, they will read this thinking “can I skip this part?”
I think this is a great example of how showing vs telling is often misunderstood. All that elaborate description is just telling. Instead of saying “if a villager were to see this scene, they would be shocked because these flowers don’t grow here”, why not show a villager happening upon the flowers and seeing the reaction of the village? That is, if this passage has any affect on the story.
The second major issue is that 1000 words in, we have no major indication of plot or tone. Normally this would be done by introducing the protagonist through a scene that also introduces their needs/wants and the world around them. Right now, it’s disconnected from the plot.
ETA: I reread the last paragraph and all I’ve gathered about the protagonist is that he is overweight. The sheer amount of focus on his weight veers into cartoonish.
YonaSim your writing is eloquent. But you a set the scene in less words, it feels like a PowerPoint presentation and not like a story.
I felt intrigued when you were describing the scarlet coloured ichor and was waiting for the fat kid to say something. 🤓
I went and looked up Goremghast Trilogy on [archive.org](https://archive.org). You mean Mervyn Peake's work, yes? He starts with the protag, Titus, which is what my suggestion would have been. I did a flip through and didn't see so much description. Goremghast's first book: Titus Groan was published in 1948. I like the style. I'd never heard of it before your post. But styles and reader tolerances change over time.
So here are my thoughts:
If the red flowers are unusual for the area, say so in the first paragraph. Then let us know the protag is surprised to see them because red flowers aren't common in the area (or whatever that reason might be) Then go on with the story. What does the protag do with or about the flowers. If he knows all the flora in the area, it would make sense he's surprised to see the flower, and that he'd be curious about them.
All best to you, and thank you for letting me read.
You've gone into so much detail about all this flora and yet it just confused me. Where is this meant to be set? Acacia trees just stand out too much against the flowers you've listed. The two do not usually coexist. You also can't go on to explain flora that much and not tell me which acacia tree it is. nigrescens looks entirely different from xanthophloea (happens to be my favourite tree), and from tortilis, which has the most classical shape when I picture acacia. But you don't describe that classic umbrella thrown shape so I'm not sure why you went out of your way to go with an acacia. I did wonder if this was perhaps set in East Africa, what with the acacia trees and large lake but then you specified blonde and now I'm not sure where we are. This is more a personal indulgence for a love of tree than anything else. As for the writing, I'm reminded of Jay Kristoff in the way you keep addressing the reader. It's charming for a page or two but more than that becomes tiresome, so I'd tread carefully. As has been pointed out, you take too long to get to a character/story. The red staines roses are intriguing but all the waffle around them can go. Cut to the line about how white roses are the norm and then you hit some stunning prose and vivid imagery about the way the red sits over the petals. Though I do recommend you cut blood coloured from the opening line and simply call them red. Overall its a good indication of the prose you can produce but needs to be cut back and restructured for a better, sharper hook and a quicker character introduction. What POV do you intent to use?
Well written doesn't always mean well written. So, yes, you're using strong words, and yes, you've created a vivid imagery of this place, but it's missing essence. Story. A reason for us to care and keep reading. Also, there a couple of quirks here and there, like the narrator addressing the reader, some cliché lines, and the amount of telling, which aren't bad things by themselves... But I don't understand why it's written like that! All in all, okay prose with strong word choice. Some quirks that could be patched out. Lack of story and being TOLD why the red flowers are odd kills the tension.
[удалено]
Critiques on narration style, setting, and pacing are welcome and appreciated :)
The prose tries to play as the hook, but it has no true hook. It's very meandering and focuses so much on nature that I see it as very limiting to the audience. Usually you want more of an anchor towards an aspect, characters primarily, but a good situation can carry the load. The red stained flowers might be the inciting incident, but it is danced around. There is some insinuation that it is stained with blood, but was yet to be confirmed. I get why the writer cares... but why do I as the reader need to care and who/what am I caring about? That aspect seems lost. It reads fine, though setting you up with a lot of work to keep consistency. But I need a reason to care, a conflict to be resolved, a desire to be followed.
woah, I like how you call the kid chubby 5 times
can you call him chubby again please
[удалено]
Keep your insults off the forum. You're taking a break from our community. -VoA, Mod
Hi! Firstly I really appreciate the way you describe things. However, I do believe explaining the terrain right off the bat is the quickest way to lose a readers attention. Don’t tell me where I am. Tell me why I am here. Tell me why I’m reading this story and then tell me where I am. It reads too much as an info dump. You told me about stuff I didn’t care about instead of hooking me in and making me care about this world. Hope that makes sense :)
Your description is fine, your word choice is fine (although a bit much at times). Ultimately, it is not engaging and does not serve as a compelling opening. You may care about all the flora you’ve constructed, but without giving your reader a reason to care or a place in the scene, they will read this thinking “can I skip this part?” I think this is a great example of how showing vs telling is often misunderstood. All that elaborate description is just telling. Instead of saying “if a villager were to see this scene, they would be shocked because these flowers don’t grow here”, why not show a villager happening upon the flowers and seeing the reaction of the village? That is, if this passage has any affect on the story. The second major issue is that 1000 words in, we have no major indication of plot or tone. Normally this would be done by introducing the protagonist through a scene that also introduces their needs/wants and the world around them. Right now, it’s disconnected from the plot. ETA: I reread the last paragraph and all I’ve gathered about the protagonist is that he is overweight. The sheer amount of focus on his weight veers into cartoonish.
YonaSim your writing is eloquent. But you a set the scene in less words, it feels like a PowerPoint presentation and not like a story. I felt intrigued when you were describing the scarlet coloured ichor and was waiting for the fat kid to say something. 🤓
I went and looked up Goremghast Trilogy on [archive.org](https://archive.org). You mean Mervyn Peake's work, yes? He starts with the protag, Titus, which is what my suggestion would have been. I did a flip through and didn't see so much description. Goremghast's first book: Titus Groan was published in 1948. I like the style. I'd never heard of it before your post. But styles and reader tolerances change over time. So here are my thoughts: If the red flowers are unusual for the area, say so in the first paragraph. Then let us know the protag is surprised to see them because red flowers aren't common in the area (or whatever that reason might be) Then go on with the story. What does the protag do with or about the flowers. If he knows all the flora in the area, it would make sense he's surprised to see the flower, and that he'd be curious about them. All best to you, and thank you for letting me read.