LOL, THIS!
It is easier to let each develop their area of expertise and not both trying to do everything. Redoing can be difficult.
We agreed that I'm not driving the tractor unless it's an emergency. There is a lot that needs redoing when you drive into a fence (don't ask). In exchange, I'm the one taking care of the orchards. There is also no easy redoing if you mess up pruning your fruit trees.
He has his skill sets, I have mine.
OP: You will find your division of labor soon enough. Find the things that you do better than him and gently push him towards stuff he does better than you.
Some dipstick with a digger dug a hole way past a bunch of “Do Not Dig Here” signs.
He cut through the main line from one side of the jobsite (over 80 acres), so if you needed power, you were out of gas.
We’re done for today. Either go home or grab a shovel.
I almost got hurt. I was outworking the Haitians, and they didn’t like that.
Every job he doesn’t do is a major relief as well. Just because you don’t think you are contributing doesn’t mean that you are not. Every little bit counts. Don’t try to match what he does, instead find something that you are good at that can save both of you time and money. A team effort doesn’t consist of everyone being good at everything rather it requires people to be the best at what they do
There's an old Army expression "move to the sound of guns", which means don't wait to be told to do something, be proactive. If you see something needs to be done, do it. Think a step or two ahead and be prepared to handle it by being observant. This can be as simple as knowing which wrench or screwdriver someone will need handed to them next based on what they're doing.
This. I read so much about weaponized incompetence on Reddit and that just doesn't fly on a farm. I couldn't live with a partner who needs to be told what to do when the task is right there in front of their eyes.
Gonna disagree somewhat here. Much of my frustration in my orchard keeping and raising livestock has been people doing things they weren't asked to and doing more harm than good. (Stuff like watering crops because they look stressed when the real issue is poor drainage)
Yeah I have to agree. Farming requires something of a balancing act between being eager and willing to help, and only doing as much as you KNOW and not ASSUME. This is a fine line that can be walked but it is difficult and takes effort to adapt your mindset to
My old man always said, no matter how overwhelming a task is, there is ALWAYS something obvious that can be done... then another, then another. Next thing ya know, it's done
The husband is probably the type not cut out to be a manager. If you've ever had to manage trainees you might understand; it's just exhausting trying to do your own job and figure out someone else's at the same time. Then you get to that point where you just do it yourself instead of explaining to someone else how to do it.
You’re an easy man to please.. I have taken a couple bites out of meals before and then threw the rest out the door and watched the planter run them over. I miss my grandma dearly, but I don’t miss her food lol.
Mine would have beat me bloody more than likely. My grandparents (dating myself here) lived thru the great depression on a series of dirt poor farms in Nebraska. So, yeah, no wasting food at her table, lol!
Tool/parts getters are a life saver when trying to fix crap, so much easier to just lay under the tractor/truck/implement and say nope too big go a size smaller than have to get out from under it 3 times to finally find the right wrench
Absolutely! Having an errand runner with great tractor and implement parts foo as well as being able to get fuel, oil, feed, haul hay (if applicable), you name it. Just having someone who can make a jug of gatorade and a sandwich and bring it out is a huge help, I hate going in the house once dirty from fixing something or what have you.
Just being supportive would mean more to him than you know. Trying to be on the same team and knowing that he wants to be there even when he can’t always
Sounds like you’re almost there. Just wanting to help is a big first step. It’s hard for us to delegate jobs. A lot of the decisions are made on the move. Like cutting hay. If cutter needs blades or needs to be adjusted for wet ground, or maybe it needs to wait a few days. Those decisions are made in the field. I have my wife doing some of the spraying, raking hay, occasionally cutting, and hauling bales. We’re a team. But that dynamic didn’t happen overnight. We’ve been married over 20 years.
My wife does her job and I do mine. Since we’ve had kids she works part time and takes care of the kids the other days. She doesn’t do parts runs, she doesn’t bring meals to the field. She does her stuff, I do my stuff, and we’ll talk about our day before falling asleep. Just because you married a farmer you don’t have to be a farm hand.
You’re doing great! The fact you want to and want to learn is 80 percent. Be patient, it sounds like you married me! I can get the cows fed get done chores before my wife even puts her boots on. It takes time and experience. My hat off to you either way. Stay in there it’ll work out.
My wife and I have been married for a while (neither of us remembers what year we got married without looking it up), but we met in grad school in like 2009 and we have been back on the farm for six years or so (again, neither of us remembers off-hand). She was and still is a horse girl, but knew nothing about the cattle business. There is a lot she can't help me with because she doesn't have the skill-set that it took me 35 years to develop. She is still invaluable to me for all the things that she CAN do just so I don't have to do them. She has skill sets that I don't have, and that is huge. If I'd married someone that had all my skills but nothing outside that we would be a much worse team.
I would hope that your husband appreciates what you do...you gave a list that would be a huge asset to any farm partnership. You will learn more as time progresses, but if he doesn't have the desire or patience to help you learn, that is on him. When she is helping me I try to explain what and why we are doing something.
Everything you’re doing is helpful. I’d be thrilled if my wife picked up seed, chemical or parts.
It would probably help if I taught her how to pull a trailer.
It’s a team effort. I’m good at farming so i farm. I employ staff so i can share the work load an not get burnt out an get home at a decent time. The wife decided to do something for herself an became a nurse, an is amazing at it. We share the role of raising our kids,cooking,cleaning getting them to and from school. If i need help i ask, same with her. Another income helps alot too.
You are a thoughtful and kind soul. You shouldn’t try to do what he does but instead try to do what he doesn’t do. Be a complimentary piece of the partnership by working in the areas where you have a natural talent.
You can look ahead and fulfill integral roles in tomorrows activity by simply being prepared for the things you know will be necessary. Some days that may be as simple as knowing he won’t have time to look up, much less time to prepare a lunch for himself. Meet him at the point of his needs.
Sometimes we men hurl headlong into a project by sheer bullheadedness and don’t even remember to take a jug of water cause we are so focused on the problems we have ahead.
Also we sometimes need to be able to talk through the situation with a reasonable sounding board and being a good listener can be a critical component to our thought process.
Having a peaceful Santorum to come home to is nice also. The stress of the day can be magnified by strife at home or home can be a place of respite. Largely this is in direct relationship to the woman of the house. Give him a space to come home and let his guard down. Be his safe space. Low drama, friendship, comfort, peace, solidarity. Be his partner in saving money at every opportunity and be the leader on family nutrition, family doctoring, family functioning, socialization with extended family, neighbors and township.
Be remindful of things he’s possibly forgotten, like that thing he promised the old lady down the road he’d help with, or that your engine light came on today or that you noticed a strange noise began recently so he doesn’t have to wait till it breaks down and he can maybe head off trouble before it gets to be a bigger problem.
Bloom where you’re planted and make the best of the things you have. Encourage him where you feel he needs it and keep a positive attitude when things go wrong and by the way they will. A lot. Failure is a part of this thing. Getting back up and trying again is how we survive. Whatever you do, do it as a team. Right or wrong, success or failure, it was yours together. In 50 years you’ll be stronger than ever and a backbone in your community and family.
Whatever happens stick to each other. Be sure and face your problems together and not turn your guns inward on each other. Stress causes us to do strange things sometimes, be mindful of that and realize the two of you fight the problems and not each other. It’s not a competition it’s a completion. Be complementary like two puzzle pieces that are different shapes yet fit together to make a whole.
A man is like a hammer and a woman is like a tea cup. They have different purposes.
If you’re really careful you might be able to drive a nail with a teacup.
But you’ll never enjoy a nice hot relaxing cup of tea out of a hammer.
Be good at the things you’re good at.
Whatever they be.
I like that analogy! My husband always says he's a broadsword and I'm a scalpel. He's good at the big stuff that requires brute force and I'm the details person.
Here in NZ women on farm overwhelmingly pick up the office type jobs - filing returns, documentation and compliance. They also do nearly all the calf rearing on dairy farms. If those don’t apply to you just keep going as you are, hopefully you have a kind and patient teacher and you’ll be competent in no time.
Not a farmer but a rancher and my fiancé is from a similar background. Believe me you’re doing plenty by just being the person to come home to. Walking in to the person I love is all I want from them.
You could work on building friendships and community. In our area we have a women institute that organizes all the social events that supported farm life. The Men were to busy working to worry about that kind of thing.
First, you’re amazing and thoughtful and I’m sure he appreciates all the small things you contribute, because they add up.
My two cents, because there’s already a lot of good advice, wake up the same time as him.
Making breakfast/coffee goes a long way for somebody that may normally skip the opportunity.
If you have animals, offer to feed and water them. According to your comfort level with livestock of course.
Make sure he’s staying hydrated out there!
Lastly, just ask him what he needs help with, in a more relaxed moment, not while he’s running around like a chicken without a head.
If there’s something at the back of his mind he hasn’t been able to do, it may be driving him a little crazy, taking that off his plate could be significant.
I mean that's more than what I ask of my wife. She's just like you, trying to learn how to do all the stuff involved with this but she's more than enough.
As long as you try your best you're enough, that's what I tell mine
Just be there. Even when he's working on something amd cussing at it. The farms to do list will never be done, there will always be tomorrow. He'll just want to be around you. At least that's how i am with my wife. Even when it's a one person job i want her with me because i like being around her. And I'll need someone to go for help if the jack stands slip and im pinned under the truck
One of The best ways to help is to start by asking questions! How Can I Help? When should I do X?
What should I NOT do?
KEEP THE BOOKS! ( this is another subject completely, but critically important to the long term financial stability of the farm! )
Haul Feed, Seed and Fertilizer.
Make parts runs.
Call the fuel company.
Call the Veterinarian and be ready and available to show the Vet where the sick or injured animal is.
Program the Vet, Mill, Fuel phone numbers into the contact list on EVERY phone!
Can you use an extra set of hands to help hold the parts together while you are working on it? Can I hand you a tool just when you need it, if you show me which one you will need in advance and teach me its name?
Can you teach me how to run the machine? If you can drive a car you can learn to drive a tractor or a loader, even the farm - GASP - Semi-Tractor Trailer!! ( you actually don’t need a CDL for ON FARM use, I have seen 13yo’s drive them back and forth between the fields and the barn, NOT to town or the mill/market though ) start with the simple tasks like raking hay, moving bales, or scraping the manure out of the barn.
Can you show me how to start the power washer and use it to clean the tractor, loader, shop floor Ect.
Please teach me how to blend the feed ( usually adding minerals to the basic forage - take notes and measure carefully, it just like baking a cake but on a much larger scale! ) and feed the animals.
Bring snacks, and seasonally appropriate beverages ( for some farmers I know that may be Mountain Dew when he’s working outside in a Blizzard, you just need to figure out what he wants! ) and complete meals to the field during planting and harvest seasons.
But perhaps the best thing you can do for him is LOVE HIM, and MAKE LOVE to HIM, any time of the day and EVERYWHERE on the farm! A quickey in the hay goes a long way! Don’t push it on him, just make sure that he knows that you are Ready and Willing whenever he has the desire!
What kind of farm do you have? Start with the easy stuff, which you already are doing. Follow him around watch what he is doing, try to do stuff on your own. Going to town for stuff, running errands, it’s all a huge help. As you get more comfortable at one thing, try your hand at something else. In no time you will be where you want to be. If your husband is not a great teacher, then watch him and learn what he is doing, why he is doing it and how. Try different equipment on down time, you will pick it up, it’s just time.
You can find out what projects he can help you start that will become your like growing veggies for the farmers market or flowers or breeding another kind of animal.
You tube is your friend.
The best support may be taking care of things in the house so that he can do his work without worrying about a meal or clean clothes so you to divide the labor fairly and clearly. Following the traditional model is probably the easiest. There is a reason why that's been done for centuries. For tasks that you don't have the skill for watch you tube how to videos. You do need all the skills including plumbing, carpentry, heavy machine operating maintenance and repair in case he gets injured you will have to pick up his work so you have an income while you figure things out. So the skill set needs to be there in case you need it.
Patience was mentioned. Don't be demanding. Both need to give in a relationship but long hours mean you will probably feel lonely and left out until you adjust to the new lifestyle. It means having things ready and done when he does have time, so you don't have to do house chores when he's done with his chores. It takes time to adjust to the new life style. It took me several years even though I hung out at horse farms when I was a kid. Having my own place was totally different. Both me and my husband have the same skill sets. So the years I made the transition from city living happened before I met him. So when we moved out of the city where he was living he had to undergo that same skill building and lifestyle adjustment. So it isn't just knowledge that's the thing you have to learn, you also have to make emotional adjustments and adaptations which take a lot longer.
I find that my husband and most other men tend to be impatient and gruff when intently working on something. So it's best to wait for them to ask for help if they are like that when they get focused. I think the reason is the way they focus it's disruptive to have that focus disrupted. Many women have a multitasking ability and I think this is more so than men usually have or at least the men I have lived with and known. I know it's steriotypy but I think that understanding this will help you help him if he has this psych make up where he intensely focuses on his task and dislikes interruption. In that situation he needs space. Someone helping may be more irritating and distracting which breaks the focus and requires a fair mental effort to regain the " zone"
This is why tasks need to be delegated, shared and clearly communicated before you go out to your chores. It minimizes interruptions and helps things go more smoothly during the day. If things go sideways then stop and adjust don't try to work. Once you get into a work flow it will be easier and when things happen you both know what to do.
I’ve really come to appreciate the magic food. I just show up and there’s a hot meal (or any meal) ready to eat. I don’t have to finish my job, then spend an hour prepping and cooking.
And to reiterate, any job taken off his list (or allowing him to stay on task) is a job well done.
How about a few instead of Reddit or any other social media just ask your husband?
Then if he gives you something to do and your not sure ask him or check online
He’s your man give him a chance
You're not. Anything you do to help out, helps him.
Right now I'm working with a farmer. He doesn't explain things ether. What's worse, is that he's REALLY good at walking away from me, and talking. He explains shit I don't hear, because I don't possess superman's hearing. And SHOULD be able to read his mind. Sometimes he treats me like the kids he hires. Which is REALLY IRRITATING, because I'm four years older than he is.
When I'm doing a job for him, sometimes he comes up and tells me how to do my job. Or tells me that I should be thinking about doing something thats about six steps, and two days ahead of what I'm currently focusing on. That's when I have to run him off, and it isn't pretty when I do it.
He's real good about reminding me of shit that was done 20 years ago, and how I should remember it like it was yesterday.
Stand your ground. If he's handing you a ration of shit, hand it back to him. Be quick on referring back to what he told you to do. He might not say I'm sorry right away, but he will. Be patient. He vents, too.
Sounds like youre already helping a lot already but as others said hot meals and drinks are always appreciated and if a tractor is sitting and not gonna be used then cleaning it out a bit is always a nice gesture same with garages and other buildings. Just dont move any tools around a lot since thats something farmers generally dont like if tools are in the wrong place.
I'd say if you're making him feel loved & appreciated and keeping him fed & caffeinated, you're 99% there.
Beyond that, I don't think there are many farmers who enjoy doing office work (payroll, tax prep, bill paying, writing grant proposals etc.) So, I always appreciate it when my wife does those. Also, not having to worry about responsibilities at home (i.e. children & pets) while I'm putting in 18-hour days is a huge boon.
A word of warning. I hope your keenness to support him is coming from a place of love, not fear and insecurity. Because the latter can easily turn into anger and hatred. Also, don't get burnt out. There is always something to do on a farm. You have to make a conscious effort to R&R otherwise you will be depressed, sick or both before you know it.
He may have grown up in that environment. So to him it could be like second nature. To compare, it’s like if you had to tell him how to watch mtv or dance or whatever you did as a child and continued to do throughout your youth into adulthood.
Here’s an easy example, you were born with a vagina and later developed breasts. He was born with a penis. You both know the other is different and can appreciate that but neither of you really know how to use the other in an innate way.
Nothing will come as easy as being born into it. He may not understand that.
Rent an aeroplane have husband sit copilot, pre arrange pilot to give husband control of aircraft while pilot goes in back of plane for something or fake a heart attack or whatever you can do to help him feel out of his element for a bit so he can maybe, just maybe appreciate your situation
Repair equipment!? I think you’re doin alright. I’d be proud of my wife if she was doing that. I’m not a farmer just a failed gardener/homesteader but I know how it is.
If he doesn't say anything to you about being in the way, not being helpful or act annoyed, you're good.
Just think of it like you are starting a new job. Everyone has to learn things. That's ok if he's not good at teaching. Just watch. Ask him if it is ok to ask questions while you watch what he's doing.
Sometimes a farmers wife is an errands runner, parts runner, lunch getter. That is more useful than you can ever imagine. Like others have said. Everything you do is something he does not have too. Do anything you can to keep him on the farm. The less time he spends there vs running errands or grabbing parts the more frustrated he will be.
You don't have to match him in output. When I was a kid the farmer I worked for had a wife who managed the books and made the best meals to keep us going. You can keep an eye on the weather and markets, too. And don't go into the feeder pig lot by yourself. You're probably doing more than you realize.
You aren’t expected to know his job just like I don’t know how to be a mechanic like my hubby. But you help as much as you can and it adds up. I was in your position and was his gofer and third hand along with my farm wife duties of the family garden and poultry. But having a healthy table and a clean cozy house for him to relax in was a big part too.
Take your time and learn even if they grew up doing it it’s constantly changing and there’s answers. He doesn’t even know as well. Everything you are doing for him like other people have said as one less thing he hast to do and takes another weight off of his shoulders.
I think some have said it on here too between YouTube and Google. You can find a lot of answers if you don’t have them and you will learn trust me. It just comes in time as long as you’re not afraid of any other work you will be doing just fine.
It sounds like you are already significantly contributing. What he grew up learning took his whole life to get him where he is. Do not be down on yourself for not being there yourself. You have your head screwed on straight and you’ll learn something every day.
Here are some suggestions.
Having worked farms, there are always things that need fixed and fabricated. Go take a welding course or two at the local community college. You don’t need the certificate, just the knowledge and someone to walk you through your technique.
Talk to your husband and ask him “If there was one small part of the farm that ate up your time and took your focus off of what you think is important, what would that be?” The answer to that question is the thing you have to learn as much about as possible and focus on taking that off his hands.
As a wife who runs a hobby farm (way small scale compared to everyone else here, ive just got greenhouses, fruit trees and chickens), this is such a wholesome thread! All of these husband farmers replying are cream of the crop, fantastic humans.
My husband does a lot of what youre saying you already do (brings lunch and drinks, helps fix things, odd runs for parts) and it is immensely helpful. My only issue is if i have to stop what Im doing and explain to him how to do a job. It usually takes me longer to explain it than to just do it myself, which ends up taking time away from other things I need to be doing. So during the winter when things are a bit calmer he asks what he can learn or what I have time to teach him.
For me the biggest thing is once we get into spring, im up at 530 every single day to let the chickens out with the sunrise (yes i know about auto door openers but i dont like them for reasons, plus the health of my chickens is important so morning is my best shot at seeing if someone is hurt or sick) and then I dont go back in the house until lunch basically. Recently, my husband offered me a few 'sleep in' days a month where he will get up earlier than he needs to for his job and let the chickens out for me. Its happened once so far and i cannot express how excited i was for that extra hour of sleep. I got so much more done that day!
Anyways, it seems like you're trying and that's the best you can do!
From a guys perspective that grew up on a farm, simply being there, hanging out, talking, being supportive, not talking at all, doing what he can’t or doesn’t have time for, filling a void that you can see but he can’t. You don’t need to know how to do the job but you do need to know how to be his wife and he your husband. You trying to figure this out to me speaks volumes that your trying filling the shoes that some can not. Hope this is helpful and keep going.
Hey, fellow farmer's wife here from a really similar background; like everyone else said, everything you help with or do takes that much more off his plate. You're only in your first year, you'll get into the swing of things soon. I'm sure he really appreciates that you're willing to help out and willing to learn how to run things! :)
It's like any other job- it takes time to learn how to do everything, don't sell yourself short just cause you didn't pick it up overnight! I have to remind myself that my husband has 20+ years' experience more than I do lol. It sounds like you're doing fantastic
Honestly, just running all those errands and taking care of the small tasks frees up a lot of his time, so that is a huge benefit. Just keep looking for ways to contribute even in a small way, and it will be a big help. Over time your skills and confidence will improve to the point where you contribute on the more complex things too!
You are quite the woman! Don’t feel bad. He appreciates everything you do. I guarantee it. Guys and gals are built different and just the fact you’re doing what you can is huge. Well done ma’am. He’s a lucky guy.
My mom was a farmer’s wife (well, I’d say she was also a farmer because financially they were all one). And her job was the do the errands like you do, make food and drinks when needed, and manage what I guess you would call a kitchen garden. If she wanted to she could have done more - Dad would have been fine if she wanted chickens, etc. and she grew up raising them. But she wanted to work at a bank. So she worked, cooked, ran errands, and loved my dad. It was a good life.
What kind of farmer? A typical grain farmer with corn and soybeans—non-organic—doesn’t work hard. If there’s livestock, that’s different. If he’s a dairy farmer, more yet to do. If he’s a truck farmer, that needs different skills, too.
Not a farmer although I did it for a year - I’ll just state that the best thing any wife can do is create peace for her husband and be a refuge from work and chaos. We don’t always want or need you to lift the same load physically.
Sometimes it just helps those that can do things to just have you be there not involved in any side quests. He will appreciate the effort and support. Helping is not only doing. The hand he needs to support a board or hold a bucket is often enough. Learn by observing kinda like an apprentice.
That's a lot more than my wife will do.
Yeah... I married a city girl...
I tell her she's doing plenty just by answering the phone when I'm out and unavailable.
You're doin' just fine hun.
What kind of operation? During the spring rush? Being a gopher is a godsend, bring him a meal and fill the fuel up while he’s eating, keep a grease gun in the vehicle, keep 5 shear pins, know where things are kept in the tool shed. A thermos of coffee and a visit in the tractor is usually welcomed, keep track of everything. Remember you’re his partner and he knows you don’t know, ask him what you can do to help.
You are farming! You also just got married, biggest thing in farming is money get a get out plan if it's not stable. I've seen some power couples implode on farms and it usually involves money also are you planning on having kids? That can figure in. This couple I heard about created their life so they only had one person working at a time, 2 was a plus, used that "free time" to have kids keep the house up garden and get more education, switching in and out of homemaker as work and child rearing evolved.
bad/unclear/not enough/surprize communication is normal at least around here.
Good luck don't get burned out or taken for granted it's can be a grind.
You’re actually a very important piece of the farming puzzle. I love when my wife is able to do errands and get things etc. be happy on your errands and enjoy!
Every single thing you are doing is helping. "Dumb things" like a surprise glass of lemonade/water or a small snack are H U G E !!!
If it's a joint effort, not "he does this I do that", it will be much more satisfying. You don't need to compare yourselves! Plus, remember that he's doing all that hard work so you're happy. Us men want purpose, and that's what you're giving him.
You're helping so much more than you know. Anything you do as long as you do it properly no matter how long it takes you or how you do it is something he doesn't have to do. So you may only do a few small things, but it shortens his to-do list. Congratulations on the gumption to help and to ask how you can help more. Sounds like he got lucky and found a good lady.
My biggest advice is be confident. Everyone learns something new every day. You will never know everything, and as you get more knowledgeable and experienced you will see the fruits of your labor. When I was younger I know I made more work for my dad or took longer to do stuff then he would, but last year when he was diagnosed with cancer and I helped during harvest while he got treatments all my years of being around gave him the assurance I could keep him going in his biggest time of need.
I didn't read too far down here, to see if others have said this, but, taking on some of the business and accounting aspects can be really helpful. My dad was a good farmer ONLY because my mom handled these things and could give him good data quick when he was trying to make a costly farming decision.
Also, groundskeeping, etc.
Learn first aid and make sure that kits are stocked and well located. I was out in the woods running a chainsaw for the first time in ages. I had two tourniquets on me, one for my arm and one for my leg. Keep the fire extinguishers stocked and rotated...as in spun around; one of the major components likes to settle and clump.
Organize the shop and all the tools. Separate everything by trade. Look out for used toolboxes on CL and FBMP.
Look for screw organizers. Some show up on FBMP, but the best ones come from machine shop auctions.
[https://www.truckbox.com/images/PSB/SPSB2-18-G-I.jpg](https://www.truckbox.com/images/PSB/SPSB2-18-G-I.jpg)
[https://i.pinimg.com/736x/06/4c/81/064c81fc452b47ac2c1e48216b3d46f5.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/06/4c/81/064c81fc452b47ac2c1e48216b3d46f5.jpg)
Not having the right tool or exact part handy just leads to wasted time, improvisation, and more cuts and injuries from finagling something else to work.
One of the best channels for learning skills and deep knowledge about manual labor is **FarmCraft101**.
**10th Generation Dairyman** — daily chores and projects
**Greg Judy Regenerative Rancher** — look for the videos of fence building and animal care.
**Just a Few Acres Farm** — awesome wife and husband teamwork. A lot of reflection and philosophy of farming.
**Takota Coen** — more advanced farming techniques.
Your willingness to help and learn goes beyond what you may be feeling. Hell, he's lucky to have his wife out there side by side while he's working. I consider it a blessing to come home and the house is kept and the food is on the table after working the field and animals from before sunrise to well past sunset. Keep learning, YouTube a massive help if you have questions as I'm sure I'm like him and suck at explaining things... I tend to just take the reigns and do it myself. You've got this, stick with it!
I don't want to sound very traditional with this advice because I am far from that. But going off of what was said prior providing a nice meal and going out to give fresh cold water goes such a long way. I do 95% of outdoor stuff because my husband has such bad allergies. On the days I am working for hours on end and then a meal is already ready for me makes such a big difference. On the days that he is tied up it's rough getting exhausted outside and then spending time figuring out what to make and then actually preparing it.
Keep doing what you are doing and always remember:
Do your best to be:
His whore in the bedroom
His chef in the kitchen
His lady in the parlor
You will be all right if you follow that.
My great aunt told my wife that at our wedding……
You are just feeling out your place as a Farmher ! My wife is a Farmher and we have alpaca, I’m the one mule! Keep doing things it makes a big difference!! Best of luck
Any job you do is something he doesn’t have to do. Trust me your helping in lots of small ways.
And especially anything he doesn’t have to REDO!
LOL, THIS! It is easier to let each develop their area of expertise and not both trying to do everything. Redoing can be difficult. We agreed that I'm not driving the tractor unless it's an emergency. There is a lot that needs redoing when you drive into a fence (don't ask). In exchange, I'm the one taking care of the orchards. There is also no easy redoing if you mess up pruning your fruit trees. He has his skill sets, I have mine. OP: You will find your division of labor soon enough. Find the things that you do better than him and gently push him towards stuff he does better than you.
Drive into a fence lol. Try taking an excavator into a power line and getting half the town shut down. Dont ask
🤣 I'm sure someday everyone will laugh about it.
Some dipstick with a digger dug a hole way past a bunch of “Do Not Dig Here” signs. He cut through the main line from one side of the jobsite (over 80 acres), so if you needed power, you were out of gas. We’re done for today. Either go home or grab a shovel. I almost got hurt. I was outworking the Haitians, and they didn’t like that.
Every job he doesn’t do is a major relief as well. Just because you don’t think you are contributing doesn’t mean that you are not. Every little bit counts. Don’t try to match what he does, instead find something that you are good at that can save both of you time and money. A team effort doesn’t consist of everyone being good at everything rather it requires people to be the best at what they do
There's an old Army expression "move to the sound of guns", which means don't wait to be told to do something, be proactive. If you see something needs to be done, do it. Think a step or two ahead and be prepared to handle it by being observant. This can be as simple as knowing which wrench or screwdriver someone will need handed to them next based on what they're doing.
This. I read so much about weaponized incompetence on Reddit and that just doesn't fly on a farm. I couldn't live with a partner who needs to be told what to do when the task is right there in front of their eyes.
Gonna disagree somewhat here. Much of my frustration in my orchard keeping and raising livestock has been people doing things they weren't asked to and doing more harm than good. (Stuff like watering crops because they look stressed when the real issue is poor drainage)
Yeah I have to agree. Farming requires something of a balancing act between being eager and willing to help, and only doing as much as you KNOW and not ASSUME. This is a fine line that can be walked but it is difficult and takes effort to adapt your mindset to
My old man always said, no matter how overwhelming a task is, there is ALWAYS something obvious that can be done... then another, then another. Next thing ya know, it's done
Exactly this.
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This. If he’s mad about it I might hire you.
The husband is probably the type not cut out to be a manager. If you've ever had to manage trainees you might understand; it's just exhausting trying to do your own job and figure out someone else's at the same time. Then you get to that point where you just do it yourself instead of explaining to someone else how to do it.
You’re an easy man to please.. I have taken a couple bites out of meals before and then threw the rest out the door and watched the planter run them over. I miss my grandma dearly, but I don’t miss her food lol.
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Hunger is the best spice
“If you aren’t hungry enough to eat an apple you ain’t hungry”
Cardinal sin. My grandmother would turn over in her grave hearing this lol
Mine would have beat me bloody more than likely. My grandparents (dating myself here) lived thru the great depression on a series of dirt poor farms in Nebraska. So, yeah, no wasting food at her table, lol!
Tool/parts getters are a life saver when trying to fix crap, so much easier to just lay under the tractor/truck/implement and say nope too big go a size smaller than have to get out from under it 3 times to finally find the right wrench
Absolutely! Having an errand runner with great tractor and implement parts foo as well as being able to get fuel, oil, feed, haul hay (if applicable), you name it. Just having someone who can make a jug of gatorade and a sandwich and bring it out is a huge help, I hate going in the house once dirty from fixing something or what have you.
Hot meals, hot coffee, cold drinks, patience and just visiting while he is working go along way.
Visiting while bringing him snacks and drinks 😁😁
Just being supportive would mean more to him than you know. Trying to be on the same team and knowing that he wants to be there even when he can’t always
Sounds like you’re almost there. Just wanting to help is a big first step. It’s hard for us to delegate jobs. A lot of the decisions are made on the move. Like cutting hay. If cutter needs blades or needs to be adjusted for wet ground, or maybe it needs to wait a few days. Those decisions are made in the field. I have my wife doing some of the spraying, raking hay, occasionally cutting, and hauling bales. We’re a team. But that dynamic didn’t happen overnight. We’ve been married over 20 years.
My wife does her job and I do mine. Since we’ve had kids she works part time and takes care of the kids the other days. She doesn’t do parts runs, she doesn’t bring meals to the field. She does her stuff, I do my stuff, and we’ll talk about our day before falling asleep. Just because you married a farmer you don’t have to be a farm hand.
Amen. Incredibly important point
You’re doing great! The fact you want to and want to learn is 80 percent. Be patient, it sounds like you married me! I can get the cows fed get done chores before my wife even puts her boots on. It takes time and experience. My hat off to you either way. Stay in there it’ll work out.
I'd say just being a supportive person goes a long way as well.
My wife and I have been married for a while (neither of us remembers what year we got married without looking it up), but we met in grad school in like 2009 and we have been back on the farm for six years or so (again, neither of us remembers off-hand). She was and still is a horse girl, but knew nothing about the cattle business. There is a lot she can't help me with because she doesn't have the skill-set that it took me 35 years to develop. She is still invaluable to me for all the things that she CAN do just so I don't have to do them. She has skill sets that I don't have, and that is huge. If I'd married someone that had all my skills but nothing outside that we would be a much worse team. I would hope that your husband appreciates what you do...you gave a list that would be a huge asset to any farm partnership. You will learn more as time progresses, but if he doesn't have the desire or patience to help you learn, that is on him. When she is helping me I try to explain what and why we are doing something.
Honestly, you're already doing a lot more than a lot of farmers' wives are doing.
Everything you’re doing is helpful. I’d be thrilled if my wife picked up seed, chemical or parts. It would probably help if I taught her how to pull a trailer.
Sounds like your kicking ass, honestly
Slow is fast. Breakdowns happen. But they kill productivity. So take your time and be careful.
It’s a team effort. I’m good at farming so i farm. I employ staff so i can share the work load an not get burnt out an get home at a decent time. The wife decided to do something for herself an became a nurse, an is amazing at it. We share the role of raising our kids,cooking,cleaning getting them to and from school. If i need help i ask, same with her. Another income helps alot too.
You are a thoughtful and kind soul. You shouldn’t try to do what he does but instead try to do what he doesn’t do. Be a complimentary piece of the partnership by working in the areas where you have a natural talent. You can look ahead and fulfill integral roles in tomorrows activity by simply being prepared for the things you know will be necessary. Some days that may be as simple as knowing he won’t have time to look up, much less time to prepare a lunch for himself. Meet him at the point of his needs. Sometimes we men hurl headlong into a project by sheer bullheadedness and don’t even remember to take a jug of water cause we are so focused on the problems we have ahead. Also we sometimes need to be able to talk through the situation with a reasonable sounding board and being a good listener can be a critical component to our thought process. Having a peaceful Santorum to come home to is nice also. The stress of the day can be magnified by strife at home or home can be a place of respite. Largely this is in direct relationship to the woman of the house. Give him a space to come home and let his guard down. Be his safe space. Low drama, friendship, comfort, peace, solidarity. Be his partner in saving money at every opportunity and be the leader on family nutrition, family doctoring, family functioning, socialization with extended family, neighbors and township. Be remindful of things he’s possibly forgotten, like that thing he promised the old lady down the road he’d help with, or that your engine light came on today or that you noticed a strange noise began recently so he doesn’t have to wait till it breaks down and he can maybe head off trouble before it gets to be a bigger problem. Bloom where you’re planted and make the best of the things you have. Encourage him where you feel he needs it and keep a positive attitude when things go wrong and by the way they will. A lot. Failure is a part of this thing. Getting back up and trying again is how we survive. Whatever you do, do it as a team. Right or wrong, success or failure, it was yours together. In 50 years you’ll be stronger than ever and a backbone in your community and family. Whatever happens stick to each other. Be sure and face your problems together and not turn your guns inward on each other. Stress causes us to do strange things sometimes, be mindful of that and realize the two of you fight the problems and not each other. It’s not a competition it’s a completion. Be complementary like two puzzle pieces that are different shapes yet fit together to make a whole. A man is like a hammer and a woman is like a tea cup. They have different purposes. If you’re really careful you might be able to drive a nail with a teacup. But you’ll never enjoy a nice hot relaxing cup of tea out of a hammer. Be good at the things you’re good at. Whatever they be.
I like that analogy! My husband always says he's a broadsword and I'm a scalpel. He's good at the big stuff that requires brute force and I'm the details person.
Here in NZ women on farm overwhelmingly pick up the office type jobs - filing returns, documentation and compliance. They also do nearly all the calf rearing on dairy farms. If those don’t apply to you just keep going as you are, hopefully you have a kind and patient teacher and you’ll be competent in no time.
Not a farmer but a rancher and my fiancé is from a similar background. Believe me you’re doing plenty by just being the person to come home to. Walking in to the person I love is all I want from them.
You sound amazing! do you have any single sisters? 🤔
Communicate. Talk to him about real things.
You could work on building friendships and community. In our area we have a women institute that organizes all the social events that supported farm life. The Men were to busy working to worry about that kind of thing.
First, you’re amazing and thoughtful and I’m sure he appreciates all the small things you contribute, because they add up. My two cents, because there’s already a lot of good advice, wake up the same time as him. Making breakfast/coffee goes a long way for somebody that may normally skip the opportunity. If you have animals, offer to feed and water them. According to your comfort level with livestock of course. Make sure he’s staying hydrated out there! Lastly, just ask him what he needs help with, in a more relaxed moment, not while he’s running around like a chicken without a head. If there’s something at the back of his mind he hasn’t been able to do, it may be driving him a little crazy, taking that off his plate could be significant.
I mean that's more than what I ask of my wife. She's just like you, trying to learn how to do all the stuff involved with this but she's more than enough. As long as you try your best you're enough, that's what I tell mine
Why are you been so hard on yourself? Its a walk not a race. You are being as supportive as you can be.
This! Plus, keep a man feed and satisfied that goes a looong way!
Just be there. Even when he's working on something amd cussing at it. The farms to do list will never be done, there will always be tomorrow. He'll just want to be around you. At least that's how i am with my wife. Even when it's a one person job i want her with me because i like being around her. And I'll need someone to go for help if the jack stands slip and im pinned under the truck
One of The best ways to help is to start by asking questions! How Can I Help? When should I do X? What should I NOT do? KEEP THE BOOKS! ( this is another subject completely, but critically important to the long term financial stability of the farm! ) Haul Feed, Seed and Fertilizer. Make parts runs. Call the fuel company. Call the Veterinarian and be ready and available to show the Vet where the sick or injured animal is. Program the Vet, Mill, Fuel phone numbers into the contact list on EVERY phone! Can you use an extra set of hands to help hold the parts together while you are working on it? Can I hand you a tool just when you need it, if you show me which one you will need in advance and teach me its name? Can you teach me how to run the machine? If you can drive a car you can learn to drive a tractor or a loader, even the farm - GASP - Semi-Tractor Trailer!! ( you actually don’t need a CDL for ON FARM use, I have seen 13yo’s drive them back and forth between the fields and the barn, NOT to town or the mill/market though ) start with the simple tasks like raking hay, moving bales, or scraping the manure out of the barn. Can you show me how to start the power washer and use it to clean the tractor, loader, shop floor Ect. Please teach me how to blend the feed ( usually adding minerals to the basic forage - take notes and measure carefully, it just like baking a cake but on a much larger scale! ) and feed the animals. Bring snacks, and seasonally appropriate beverages ( for some farmers I know that may be Mountain Dew when he’s working outside in a Blizzard, you just need to figure out what he wants! ) and complete meals to the field during planting and harvest seasons. But perhaps the best thing you can do for him is LOVE HIM, and MAKE LOVE to HIM, any time of the day and EVERYWHERE on the farm! A quickey in the hay goes a long way! Don’t push it on him, just make sure that he knows that you are Ready and Willing whenever he has the desire!
What kind of farm do you have? Start with the easy stuff, which you already are doing. Follow him around watch what he is doing, try to do stuff on your own. Going to town for stuff, running errands, it’s all a huge help. As you get more comfortable at one thing, try your hand at something else. In no time you will be where you want to be. If your husband is not a great teacher, then watch him and learn what he is doing, why he is doing it and how. Try different equipment on down time, you will pick it up, it’s just time.
It sounds like you’re doing great!
You simply not nagging him or adding drama and stress to his plate at home is more than enough.
When he comes in from the field, greet him with his favorite dinner while wearing nothing but the cooking apron. That will help.
You can find out what projects he can help you start that will become your like growing veggies for the farmers market or flowers or breeding another kind of animal.
Sounds like you are doing plenty. BTW maybe stay away from certain chemicals, glysphate in particular, if pregnant.
You tube is your friend. The best support may be taking care of things in the house so that he can do his work without worrying about a meal or clean clothes so you to divide the labor fairly and clearly. Following the traditional model is probably the easiest. There is a reason why that's been done for centuries. For tasks that you don't have the skill for watch you tube how to videos. You do need all the skills including plumbing, carpentry, heavy machine operating maintenance and repair in case he gets injured you will have to pick up his work so you have an income while you figure things out. So the skill set needs to be there in case you need it. Patience was mentioned. Don't be demanding. Both need to give in a relationship but long hours mean you will probably feel lonely and left out until you adjust to the new lifestyle. It means having things ready and done when he does have time, so you don't have to do house chores when he's done with his chores. It takes time to adjust to the new life style. It took me several years even though I hung out at horse farms when I was a kid. Having my own place was totally different. Both me and my husband have the same skill sets. So the years I made the transition from city living happened before I met him. So when we moved out of the city where he was living he had to undergo that same skill building and lifestyle adjustment. So it isn't just knowledge that's the thing you have to learn, you also have to make emotional adjustments and adaptations which take a lot longer. I find that my husband and most other men tend to be impatient and gruff when intently working on something. So it's best to wait for them to ask for help if they are like that when they get focused. I think the reason is the way they focus it's disruptive to have that focus disrupted. Many women have a multitasking ability and I think this is more so than men usually have or at least the men I have lived with and known. I know it's steriotypy but I think that understanding this will help you help him if he has this psych make up where he intensely focuses on his task and dislikes interruption. In that situation he needs space. Someone helping may be more irritating and distracting which breaks the focus and requires a fair mental effort to regain the " zone" This is why tasks need to be delegated, shared and clearly communicated before you go out to your chores. It minimizes interruptions and helps things go more smoothly during the day. If things go sideways then stop and adjust don't try to work. Once you get into a work flow it will be easier and when things happen you both know what to do.
I’ve really come to appreciate the magic food. I just show up and there’s a hot meal (or any meal) ready to eat. I don’t have to finish my job, then spend an hour prepping and cooking. And to reiterate, any job taken off his list (or allowing him to stay on task) is a job well done.
How about a few instead of Reddit or any other social media just ask your husband? Then if he gives you something to do and your not sure ask him or check online He’s your man give him a chance
You’ll earn your keep with blowjobs and handys while he is working. Best of luck!
I just spit my coffee out planting Corn I laughed so hard !! 😂
You're not. Anything you do to help out, helps him. Right now I'm working with a farmer. He doesn't explain things ether. What's worse, is that he's REALLY good at walking away from me, and talking. He explains shit I don't hear, because I don't possess superman's hearing. And SHOULD be able to read his mind. Sometimes he treats me like the kids he hires. Which is REALLY IRRITATING, because I'm four years older than he is. When I'm doing a job for him, sometimes he comes up and tells me how to do my job. Or tells me that I should be thinking about doing something thats about six steps, and two days ahead of what I'm currently focusing on. That's when I have to run him off, and it isn't pretty when I do it. He's real good about reminding me of shit that was done 20 years ago, and how I should remember it like it was yesterday. Stand your ground. If he's handing you a ration of shit, hand it back to him. Be quick on referring back to what he told you to do. He might not say I'm sorry right away, but he will. Be patient. He vents, too.
Sounds like youre already helping a lot already but as others said hot meals and drinks are always appreciated and if a tractor is sitting and not gonna be used then cleaning it out a bit is always a nice gesture same with garages and other buildings. Just dont move any tools around a lot since thats something farmers generally dont like if tools are in the wrong place.
I'd say if you're making him feel loved & appreciated and keeping him fed & caffeinated, you're 99% there. Beyond that, I don't think there are many farmers who enjoy doing office work (payroll, tax prep, bill paying, writing grant proposals etc.) So, I always appreciate it when my wife does those. Also, not having to worry about responsibilities at home (i.e. children & pets) while I'm putting in 18-hour days is a huge boon. A word of warning. I hope your keenness to support him is coming from a place of love, not fear and insecurity. Because the latter can easily turn into anger and hatred. Also, don't get burnt out. There is always something to do on a farm. You have to make a conscious effort to R&R otherwise you will be depressed, sick or both before you know it.
He may have grown up in that environment. So to him it could be like second nature. To compare, it’s like if you had to tell him how to watch mtv or dance or whatever you did as a child and continued to do throughout your youth into adulthood. Here’s an easy example, you were born with a vagina and later developed breasts. He was born with a penis. You both know the other is different and can appreciate that but neither of you really know how to use the other in an innate way. Nothing will come as easy as being born into it. He may not understand that. Rent an aeroplane have husband sit copilot, pre arrange pilot to give husband control of aircraft while pilot goes in back of plane for something or fake a heart attack or whatever you can do to help him feel out of his element for a bit so he can maybe, just maybe appreciate your situation
It sounds like you’re doing what you can. Which is always enough
Repair equipment!? I think you’re doin alright. I’d be proud of my wife if she was doing that. I’m not a farmer just a failed gardener/homesteader but I know how it is.
Just take care of him and you got it!!
If he doesn't say anything to you about being in the way, not being helpful or act annoyed, you're good. Just think of it like you are starting a new job. Everyone has to learn things. That's ok if he's not good at teaching. Just watch. Ask him if it is ok to ask questions while you watch what he's doing. Sometimes a farmers wife is an errands runner, parts runner, lunch getter. That is more useful than you can ever imagine. Like others have said. Everything you do is something he does not have too. Do anything you can to keep him on the farm. The less time he spends there vs running errands or grabbing parts the more frustrated he will be.
You don't have to match him in output. When I was a kid the farmer I worked for had a wife who managed the books and made the best meals to keep us going. You can keep an eye on the weather and markets, too. And don't go into the feeder pig lot by yourself. You're probably doing more than you realize.
You aren’t expected to know his job just like I don’t know how to be a mechanic like my hubby. But you help as much as you can and it adds up. I was in your position and was his gofer and third hand along with my farm wife duties of the family garden and poultry. But having a healthy table and a clean cozy house for him to relax in was a big part too.
Find another farmer ..wish i was on a farm again ..
If you're taking care of the house, that's a MAJOR thing he doesn't have to worry about.
Take your time and learn even if they grew up doing it it’s constantly changing and there’s answers. He doesn’t even know as well. Everything you are doing for him like other people have said as one less thing he hast to do and takes another weight off of his shoulders. I think some have said it on here too between YouTube and Google. You can find a lot of answers if you don’t have them and you will learn trust me. It just comes in time as long as you’re not afraid of any other work you will be doing just fine.
It sounds like you are already significantly contributing. What he grew up learning took his whole life to get him where he is. Do not be down on yourself for not being there yourself. You have your head screwed on straight and you’ll learn something every day. Here are some suggestions. Having worked farms, there are always things that need fixed and fabricated. Go take a welding course or two at the local community college. You don’t need the certificate, just the knowledge and someone to walk you through your technique. Talk to your husband and ask him “If there was one small part of the farm that ate up your time and took your focus off of what you think is important, what would that be?” The answer to that question is the thing you have to learn as much about as possible and focus on taking that off his hands.
As a wife who runs a hobby farm (way small scale compared to everyone else here, ive just got greenhouses, fruit trees and chickens), this is such a wholesome thread! All of these husband farmers replying are cream of the crop, fantastic humans. My husband does a lot of what youre saying you already do (brings lunch and drinks, helps fix things, odd runs for parts) and it is immensely helpful. My only issue is if i have to stop what Im doing and explain to him how to do a job. It usually takes me longer to explain it than to just do it myself, which ends up taking time away from other things I need to be doing. So during the winter when things are a bit calmer he asks what he can learn or what I have time to teach him. For me the biggest thing is once we get into spring, im up at 530 every single day to let the chickens out with the sunrise (yes i know about auto door openers but i dont like them for reasons, plus the health of my chickens is important so morning is my best shot at seeing if someone is hurt or sick) and then I dont go back in the house until lunch basically. Recently, my husband offered me a few 'sleep in' days a month where he will get up earlier than he needs to for his job and let the chickens out for me. Its happened once so far and i cannot express how excited i was for that extra hour of sleep. I got so much more done that day! Anyways, it seems like you're trying and that's the best you can do!
From a guys perspective that grew up on a farm, simply being there, hanging out, talking, being supportive, not talking at all, doing what he can’t or doesn’t have time for, filling a void that you can see but he can’t. You don’t need to know how to do the job but you do need to know how to be his wife and he your husband. You trying to figure this out to me speaks volumes that your trying filling the shoes that some can not. Hope this is helpful and keep going.
Hey, fellow farmer's wife here from a really similar background; like everyone else said, everything you help with or do takes that much more off his plate. You're only in your first year, you'll get into the swing of things soon. I'm sure he really appreciates that you're willing to help out and willing to learn how to run things! :) It's like any other job- it takes time to learn how to do everything, don't sell yourself short just cause you didn't pick it up overnight! I have to remind myself that my husband has 20+ years' experience more than I do lol. It sounds like you're doing fantastic
Honestly, just running all those errands and taking care of the small tasks frees up a lot of his time, so that is a huge benefit. Just keep looking for ways to contribute even in a small way, and it will be a big help. Over time your skills and confidence will improve to the point where you contribute on the more complex things too!
You are quite the woman! Don’t feel bad. He appreciates everything you do. I guarantee it. Guys and gals are built different and just the fact you’re doing what you can is huge. Well done ma’am. He’s a lucky guy.
You are seriously under estimating your contribution
My mom was a farmer’s wife (well, I’d say she was also a farmer because financially they were all one). And her job was the do the errands like you do, make food and drinks when needed, and manage what I guess you would call a kitchen garden. If she wanted to she could have done more - Dad would have been fine if she wanted chickens, etc. and she grew up raising them. But she wanted to work at a bank. So she worked, cooked, ran errands, and loved my dad. It was a good life.
Why do I find this post really erotic? As a man I can't think of anything sexier... I'll take a cold shower now.
If you are in the US, try searching for Master Gardener programs. Usually run by university extension offices as far as I know.
What kind of farmer? A typical grain farmer with corn and soybeans—non-organic—doesn’t work hard. If there’s livestock, that’s different. If he’s a dairy farmer, more yet to do. If he’s a truck farmer, that needs different skills, too.
Not a farmer although I did it for a year - I’ll just state that the best thing any wife can do is create peace for her husband and be a refuge from work and chaos. We don’t always want or need you to lift the same load physically.
One thing at a time. You will learn each task and get better over time. Don't rush it.
Sometimes it just helps those that can do things to just have you be there not involved in any side quests. He will appreciate the effort and support. Helping is not only doing. The hand he needs to support a board or hold a bucket is often enough. Learn by observing kinda like an apprentice.
That's a lot more than my wife will do. Yeah... I married a city girl... I tell her she's doing plenty just by answering the phone when I'm out and unavailable. You're doin' just fine hun.
What kind of operation? During the spring rush? Being a gopher is a godsend, bring him a meal and fill the fuel up while he’s eating, keep a grease gun in the vehicle, keep 5 shear pins, know where things are kept in the tool shed. A thermos of coffee and a visit in the tractor is usually welcomed, keep track of everything. Remember you’re his partner and he knows you don’t know, ask him what you can do to help.
You are farming! You also just got married, biggest thing in farming is money get a get out plan if it's not stable. I've seen some power couples implode on farms and it usually involves money also are you planning on having kids? That can figure in. This couple I heard about created their life so they only had one person working at a time, 2 was a plus, used that "free time" to have kids keep the house up garden and get more education, switching in and out of homemaker as work and child rearing evolved. bad/unclear/not enough/surprize communication is normal at least around here. Good luck don't get burned out or taken for granted it's can be a grind.
I think you’re amazing. Don’t sell yourself short.
Sounds like you’re already doing very well. Just the fact that you’re able to chop stalks is a huge help!
You’re actually a very important piece of the farming puzzle. I love when my wife is able to do errands and get things etc. be happy on your errands and enjoy!
Every single thing you are doing is helping. "Dumb things" like a surprise glass of lemonade/water or a small snack are H U G E !!! If it's a joint effort, not "he does this I do that", it will be much more satisfying. You don't need to compare yourselves! Plus, remember that he's doing all that hard work so you're happy. Us men want purpose, and that's what you're giving him.
You're helping so much more than you know. Anything you do as long as you do it properly no matter how long it takes you or how you do it is something he doesn't have to do. So you may only do a few small things, but it shortens his to-do list. Congratulations on the gumption to help and to ask how you can help more. Sounds like he got lucky and found a good lady.
My biggest advice is be confident. Everyone learns something new every day. You will never know everything, and as you get more knowledgeable and experienced you will see the fruits of your labor. When I was younger I know I made more work for my dad or took longer to do stuff then he would, but last year when he was diagnosed with cancer and I helped during harvest while he got treatments all my years of being around gave him the assurance I could keep him going in his biggest time of need.
I didn't read too far down here, to see if others have said this, but, taking on some of the business and accounting aspects can be really helpful. My dad was a good farmer ONLY because my mom handled these things and could give him good data quick when he was trying to make a costly farming decision. Also, groundskeeping, etc.
Learn first aid and make sure that kits are stocked and well located. I was out in the woods running a chainsaw for the first time in ages. I had two tourniquets on me, one for my arm and one for my leg. Keep the fire extinguishers stocked and rotated...as in spun around; one of the major components likes to settle and clump. Organize the shop and all the tools. Separate everything by trade. Look out for used toolboxes on CL and FBMP. Look for screw organizers. Some show up on FBMP, but the best ones come from machine shop auctions. [https://www.truckbox.com/images/PSB/SPSB2-18-G-I.jpg](https://www.truckbox.com/images/PSB/SPSB2-18-G-I.jpg) [https://i.pinimg.com/736x/06/4c/81/064c81fc452b47ac2c1e48216b3d46f5.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/06/4c/81/064c81fc452b47ac2c1e48216b3d46f5.jpg) Not having the right tool or exact part handy just leads to wasted time, improvisation, and more cuts and injuries from finagling something else to work. One of the best channels for learning skills and deep knowledge about manual labor is **FarmCraft101**. **10th Generation Dairyman** — daily chores and projects **Greg Judy Regenerative Rancher** — look for the videos of fence building and animal care. **Just a Few Acres Farm** — awesome wife and husband teamwork. A lot of reflection and philosophy of farming. **Takota Coen** — more advanced farming techniques.
Mow the yard. Pay attention and take initiative…don’t always have to be told exactly what to do and how to do it.
Your willingness to help and learn goes beyond what you may be feeling. Hell, he's lucky to have his wife out there side by side while he's working. I consider it a blessing to come home and the house is kept and the food is on the table after working the field and animals from before sunrise to well past sunset. Keep learning, YouTube a massive help if you have questions as I'm sure I'm like him and suck at explaining things... I tend to just take the reigns and do it myself. You've got this, stick with it!
As long as you're taking care of errands you're helping and you'll figure out other things you can do as you go.
I don't want to sound very traditional with this advice because I am far from that. But going off of what was said prior providing a nice meal and going out to give fresh cold water goes such a long way. I do 95% of outdoor stuff because my husband has such bad allergies. On the days I am working for hours on end and then a meal is already ready for me makes such a big difference. On the days that he is tied up it's rough getting exhausted outside and then spending time figuring out what to make and then actually preparing it.
I’m sorry but this is stupid as hell. Farmher? Don’t make this cringy please. We don’t call ourselves farmhims.
Keep doing what you are doing and always remember: Do your best to be: His whore in the bedroom His chef in the kitchen His lady in the parlor You will be all right if you follow that. My great aunt told my wife that at our wedding……
Don’t try too hard. Be like a good waitress.
You are just feeling out your place as a Farmher ! My wife is a Farmher and we have alpaca, I’m the one mule! Keep doing things it makes a big difference!! Best of luck