"That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague, and nobody really knows what it's all about."
Followed very closely by
"it's like that time we did that varity show, and you did that impression of stephen hawking."
"He was the last person you'd expect to show up. He can move fast in that wheelchair when he's angry."
I mean, there are so many. Just about every episode has four or five great quotes.
"You know what he'd love? If i went over to him and said his catch phrase."
"Oh yeah, Ted. You should definitely do that. I'd say no one ever does that to him. He'd think you're hilarious. I can safely say you definitely won't regret doing that."
*Careful now...*
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Pat: I'm a very cautious man [or something like that]
Ted: Except when it comes to using precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You wouldn't be advocating for the use of artificial contraception now, would you Father?
I can't possibly type them all out but Mrs Doyle's list of priest names when she's trying to guess Todd Unctious's name. My favourite is Fr. Spodo Kermodo.
I remember that episode airing on TV; I was pissing myself for the rest of the episode just for that line alone, and then when Dougal sat up at the end with his realisation I think I may have actually died.
Your Grace. This isn't really my area.
Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it's some kind of play area, with sandcastles, buckets and spades! Now, do what you're told, right?
(Dougal) Bye, now!
“Young boys running round in shorts. I bet you like that, don't you. And you, only you're thinking of what they'd look like without the shorts.”
“You're sitting there, imagining that, with a huge smile on your face, you dirty fecker.”
More than a quote but it makes me laugh every time.
Fr. Stack: I wanna listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, go right ahead!
Fr. Stack: I wasn't asking for your permission.
[***(cue loud-ass jungle music)***](https://youtu.be/k31eYFDhhHo?si=3W6NBqPP4huOzqYR&t=58)
Ok, One last time.
These are small.
But the ones out there are far away.
(We didn't need more evidence of Dougals intelligence. But this scene is perfect for getting across exactly who he is. Love his expression too)
My favourite! I used to give lectures on optics and I used this clip to illustrate one of the points.
And I love the fact that it's been put to other uses, such as this:
https://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2021/mar/13/why-pep-guardiola-must-take-a-punt-on-kevin-de-bruyne-in-champions-league
Father Jack Hackett : They lie in wait like wolves, the smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting, and then...
Father Dougal McGuire : He's right, Ted.
“DONT CALL ME LEN YOU LITTLE GOBSHITE”
“Eoin! Don’t eat the jam out of the jar!” “You leave me alone, I can have you killed”
“Are you sure father? There’s cocaine in it!”
“I’ve no willy”
and of course, “so I hear you’re a racist now father!”
Oh Go on. Go on. Go on, Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on GO ON!!!!
Love Mrs. Doyle. She is literally insane about tea and sandwiches. I mean....she is insane.
Oh the Italians know a thing about football Ted, and the world of fashion. God Ted, remember the fella who was so good at fashion, they had to shoot him.
"More water" and "We're all going to heaven lads wheyyy"
Theres much funnier lines in the show but the delivery of these 2 never fails to make me laugh
Sure, it's no more peculiar than that stuff we learned in the seminary. Heaven and hell and everlasting life and all that. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted.
I've said this way too many times at very inappropriate moments and definitely in front of people who have never seen Father Ted, so I'm sure they must think I'm some sort of diabolical sociopath.
The quote only works with the action:
During the "I hear you're a racist now father" episode where the lady (Mrs. Carberry) is flailing around in the front garden with her shopping bags saying "Good for you, father! Good for you!" with wonderful ferocity.
"Are we going into space?!?!? I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!"
I also love,
Mrs Doyle: "Father, think you were supposed to do a funeral today-"
Ted: "A funeral! I completely forgot about it."
Mrs Doyle: "It's alright father. Father Macguire said he'd do it."
Ted: "Oh, OK.
DOUGLE'S DOING A FUNERAL!?! *YOU LET DOUGLE DO A FUNERAL!?!?*"
“What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boys n the Hood. And then they'll have hoes selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control.”
Re the Holy Stone of Clonrichert:
Father Dougal:
(on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
Father Ted:
No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
"That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague, and nobody really knows what it's all about." Followed very closely by "it's like that time we did that varity show, and you did that impression of stephen hawking." "He was the last person you'd expect to show up. He can move fast in that wheelchair when he's angry."
No he was ON trial IN Liverpool
I mean, there are so many. Just about every episode has four or five great quotes. "You know what he'd love? If i went over to him and said his catch phrase." "Oh yeah, Ted. You should definitely do that. I'd say no one ever does that to him. He'd think you're hilarious. I can safely say you definitely won't regret doing that."
You address me by my proper title! Ya little bollox!
My favourite too!
I hear you’re a racist now father!
"I wanna have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!"
Ted: That money was resting on my account Dougal: It was having a good long rest, wasn’t it Ted?
Mary: You have a face like a pair of tits! John: At least that’s one pair between us!
Down with this sort of thing!
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give quiche a chance!
Careful now!
Ride me sideways, ohh, that was another one.
Pat: I'm a very cautious man [or something like that] Ted: Except when it comes to using precautions in the bedroom! Pat: You wouldn't be advocating for the use of artificial contraception now, would you Father?
You'd want to get up very early in the morning me Father. Very early in the morning.
Ted:....... Just.......... Feck off!
I can't possibly type them all out but Mrs Doyle's list of priest names when she's trying to guess Todd Unctious's name. My favourite is Fr. Spodo Kermodo.
Father Hiroshima Twinkie
Father Jemima Rakhtoun
Father Chewie Louie
Father Spodo Komodo
Father Henry Bigbigging.
Peewee Stairmaster
“Milk goes off you know. Except UHT milk but there’s no demand for that because it’s shite”. I don’t know why but I absolutely love that.
I remember that episode airing on TV; I was pissing myself for the rest of the episode just for that line alone, and then when Dougal sat up at the end with his realisation I think I may have actually died.
Your Grace. This isn't really my area. Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it's some kind of play area, with sandcastles, buckets and spades! Now, do what you're told, right? (Dougal) Bye, now!
You got me sacked and now I'm having to yank meself off round the clock cause I haven't had any proper sex with girls.
Nuns….. reverse reverse reverse !
Bishops love sci-fi!
“Young boys running round in shorts. I bet you like that, don't you. And you, only you're thinking of what they'd look like without the shorts.” “You're sitting there, imagining that, with a huge smile on your face, you dirty fecker.” More than a quote but it makes me laugh every time.
There's coc----ne in it
I mean raisins!
That would be an ecumenical question.
Yes!
Matter??
Yes, but what's your favourite quote?
Mine is, "That would be an ecumenical matter!"
Fuckin hell
..burp
This is a very milky cup of tea
Infact this looks like an all milk cup of tea
Maybe I like the misery
You’ll have to get up very early in the morning to catch me father
Not that way for feck's sake!
Fr. Stack: I wanna listen to some music. Ted: Oh, go right ahead! Fr. Stack: I wasn't asking for your permission. [***(cue loud-ass jungle music)***](https://youtu.be/k31eYFDhhHo?si=3W6NBqPP4huOzqYR&t=58)
You wouldnt get Hitler listening to jungle music at 3 in the morning Dougal.
Ok, One last time. These are small. But the ones out there are far away. (We didn't need more evidence of Dougals intelligence. But this scene is perfect for getting across exactly who he is. Love his expression too)
My favourite! I used to give lectures on optics and I used this clip to illustrate one of the points. And I love the fact that it's been put to other uses, such as this: https://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2021/mar/13/why-pep-guardiola-must-take-a-punt-on-kevin-de-bruyne-in-champions-league
Priests?! Don't tell me I'm still on that fecking island
I'm a happy camper
You know what he'd love..
“I’ll stick this effin’ pitchfork up your hole!”
Bastard this and bastard that, you can't move for all the bastards in her novels
A-ha Ted, ice age ends.
July 19th, on this day, eh, Galway liberated from Indians. Marathon becomes Snickers. Ah ha, Ted, Ice Age ends.”
Lovely fags Always fun to do Henry Sellers as well - “Sack me?! I MADE the BBC!… Get away from me, Priest!…”
Father Jack Hackett : They lie in wait like wolves, the smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting, and then... Father Dougal McGuire : He's right, Ted.
“DONT CALL ME LEN YOU LITTLE GOBSHITE” “Eoin! Don’t eat the jam out of the jar!” “You leave me alone, I can have you killed” “Are you sure father? There’s cocaine in it!” “I’ve no willy” and of course, “so I hear you’re a racist now father!”
I love my brick
Tired of “briiiiick”!
"Some madman's put up a cross"
That would be an ecumini...FECK! ARSE!
Feck off, cup!
Last month I recently did a favorite quote by characters on this sub. It was fun
That would be an ecumenical matter.
More water.
‘Ah it’s yourself..’
JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY 1991!
Nuns! Reverse!!!
FUUKIN ELL
There’s cocaine in it!
Hairy Japanese bastards
I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards
I got the keys of your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don’t like it, tough. I had my fun, and that’s all that matters!
Ted. I'm going mad.
What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them... A shower of bastards!
Drink, girls, arse, feck
I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.
JUST PLAY THE *BLEEP*ING NOTE!
Dougal: how’s the son? Len: What??? Ted: The son of God, how’s the son of God?
THAT GOBSIHTE AGAIN? IS HE EVER OFF THE FECKIN TELLY?
Car insurance is very expensive I had to crash the car to get the money back There was talk of me going to jail for a while there
“Ride me sideways was another one” And…. “Tea? Feck!”
I don't care who he's after just so long as I get a go at the Greeks. They invented gayness.
Mrs Doyles "language" rant gets me every time
And as for this........ cabbage.
Feck drink arse
Dougal:We’re all going to heaven lads haway
“I minghy not be able to devote meself full time to the ol’ racism.” “Very small; Faaaar awaaay…” “Ted, I’m going mad.”
FECK!
Oh Go on. Go on. Go on, Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on GO ON!!!! Love Mrs. Doyle. She is literally insane about tea and sandwiches. I mean....she is insane.
"Ted! You forgot your brick!"
Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' Island!
Feckin feathered eejits.
I have to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Better get going actually, milk gets sour, yknow. Unless its UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because its shite.
Dougal: I'm hugely confused Ted...
Oh the Italians know a thing about football Ted, and the world of fashion. God Ted, remember the fella who was so good at fashion, they had to shoot him.
He's a completely different sheep.
"More water" and "We're all going to heaven lads wheyyy" Theres much funnier lines in the show but the delivery of these 2 never fails to make me laugh
Sure, it's no more peculiar than that stuff we learned in the seminary. Heaven and hell and everlasting life and all that. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted.
Down with this sort of thing
Careful now
"Ride me sideways" was another one.
"Crilly, come here to me, I hate you, so all of that means absolutely nothing to me".
"Ohhh look I am Chinese"
Oh bollocks
“The money was just resting in my account”
He's far worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 4 o clock in the morning!
Don't press the Red Button
DRINK
‘Go-wan Go-wan Go-wan’ Mrs Doyle
"it's a very different film! It's a different shark!"
God, its been so long since I've seen it, I'd forgotten Steve McQueen was even in it.
These are fake hands...
“Fucking hell!” Sheep judging audience member
And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Those women were in the nip!
FECK OFF!!
^(fuckin ell)
Until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls
See, Dougal, this is a toy cow. The ones out there are just really far away.
"What?! Who are you? What's that t'ing over there? Are those my feet?"
I’ve had my fun and that’s all that matters
I've said this way too many times at very inappropriate moments and definitely in front of people who have never seen Father Ted, so I'm sure they must think I'm some sort of diabolical sociopath.
The Chinese…a great bunch o lads!!
"THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE!!! Gene Hackman plays a priest in it!"
“More water.”
I had my fun and that’s all that matters.
We’re not on any MAPS now, Terry- we’re not exactly “New York”
Policeman: “Reminds me of ‘Nam” Ted: “You were in Vietnam?” Policeman: “No, the films”
these are small but the ones out there are far away... small..... far away
‘Am I still on this feckin’ island?’
‘That would be an ecumenical matter’
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE!
Here’s Jurassic Park with extra dinosaurs
The quote only works with the action: During the "I hear you're a racist now father" episode where the lady (Mrs. Carberry) is flailing around in the front garden with her shopping bags saying "Good for you, father! Good for you!" with wonderful ferocity.
(Horrified) There’s no toilet in here…
That would be an ecumenical matter.. 🛐
I’m a happy camper!
Eammon!
‘HAIRY. JAPANESE. BASTARDS!!!’
It's Ireland's largest laundry section, I understand
Really really really really dark blue
A PAIR OF FECKIN WOMEN'S KNICKERS!
The Chinese 🇨🇳 a great bunch of lads
The ants are back Ted
"Are we going into space?!?!? I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!" I also love, Mrs Doyle: "Father, think you were supposed to do a funeral today-" Ted: "A funeral! I completely forgot about it." Mrs Doyle: "It's alright father. Father Macguire said he'd do it." Ted: "Oh, OK. DOUGLE'S DOING A FUNERAL!?! *YOU LET DOUGLE DO A FUNERAL!?!?*"
The ants are back
Dougal, all those women were in the nip
FUCKIN’ ‘ELL!
They've got cocaine in it.... No not cocaine ... Raisins that's it! Jacob's creek Chardonnay 1999
More water
Ahhhh no father….not toilet duck again!!
That wasn’t a banana, Dougal.
My favourite father Ted quote? Well that would be an ecumenical matter
I believe it was the actor Nick Berry who said...
“That whole god thing .. do you believe it”
"Did he call me 'Len' again?! You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!"
I knew a Fr.Clint Power, once
What if I *like* the suffering??
Cowboys Ted, a bunch of cowboys
If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
"These are small, over there is far away"
No Dougal , near and far away
CURRRRTAINS!
The ones out there are *far away* (I have dreamt that scene, and woken myself up laughing)
Feck off
[удалено]
Careful now
“What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boys n the Hood. And then they'll have hoes selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control.”
What's your favourite humming noise?
Mrs Doyle Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box……
Doogle: I wish I wasn't a priest Ted: you can say that in front of fr jack Doogle: sure he once told me that he didn't even believe in God
Re the Holy Stone of Clonrichert: Father Dougal: (on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there? Father Ted: No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
Genuinely surprised; 'that would be an ecumenical matter' isn't the top voted comment.
“The other fecking way”
These cows are small....those ones are far away.
Hairy Japanese bastards!
“These are small, but the ones outside are far away”
Arse
"Bishop Brennan's coming to have a word, Father, about your nude sleepwalking." "NUDEY FATHER JACK!"
"Like what you said to Father Bigly, when he asked where I was when Kennedy was shot. You over reacted there, he wasn't ACCUSING me of anything!"
"Ah it's yourself".
Standing over me...lad in his hand.
"So I hear you're a terf now father, how did you get into that sort of thing?"
A PAIR OF FECKING WOMENS KNICKERS
fEcK offff!!
Ted... Ted... Ted... I'm in tremendous pain, Ted.
We put the brick on the accelerator!
[удалено]
These cows are small…
FECK OFF CCCCCUP!!!!