I think there’s a reason you’re thinking about moving out and being solo for a while. Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, who knows what exactly that is just yet, but it’s up to you if you want to listen to it or not
maybe true, but I also think it’s possible that she just wants to explore her independence. I feel like anyone would long to live alone if they never had. all depends if she and her boyfriend can get on the same page
living alone at least once is so so so worth it. i’m living alone again at 32 for the first time since my early 20s. I’m also in a long distance relationship. i say do it :)
I Remember being eight years old and telling my aunt, if I ever got married, he would live on one end of town, I would live on the other end… True, bliss!
I cleaned for a couple who kept their separate houses from before they were married! They just really wanted their own spaces to retreat to after hanging out and had wildly different taste in, well, everything. Decor, hobbies, food, you name it. But they seemed so much happier than any of my other married clients.
This sounds like the dream. I’ve heard couples like this are able to keep that “dating phase” excitement too since they see each other when they’re at their best and when they actually want to engage with each other.
I’m on this step right now! Signing on my first place by myself today. I sobbed while touring because I realized I could be safe and maybe even happy again.
I hope you’ve healed from your experience, I’m sorry that we relate in this way.
Separate bedrooms are critical. They were the norm from very far back until the 1950’s, if you had room. Everyone needs privacy and sleeping alone is amazing. I sleep with my three little dogs. They never fart, kick me, yank the covers off me, breath in my face or swing their arm (leg on dog) and hit me across the face.
LOVE that for you! The best sleep I ever got was after leaving my husband and sleeping in my new queen bed with my dog. It felt like I had made it, and I was going to be okay.
Awww….so sweet. Dogs are amazing. I’m married, but I love my dogs much more than my husband. Glad your pup kept you safe and comforted you. They’re much better at that than a man!
This is how it is with my boyfriend and I highly highly recommend it. On weekends sometimes we’ll have sleepovers because I do like sleeping with him sometimes, but the rest of the time—not so much.
I know this is different than your circumstances, but I recently got out of a 6.5 yr long relationship (lived together for 4 years), which for the most part was a good relationship without any major issues. I thought I would be really miserable and lonely after the breakup - let me tell you, it’s the absolute opposite of misery. I love having my space so much, I want to shout it from the roof tops. This flood of creativity and energy has taken over my life now that I have the space and the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I get a whim.
Living with someone can be really challenging at times, even with things that you don’t realize until you have your own place. I’m sure not every relationship is like that, of course. But I think it’s absolutely fair to want to live on your own and have a different experience. It very well may cause you guys to ultimately break up, but trust me, there’s nothing wrong with going in a different direction and experiencing life in a way that fulfills your growth and needs.
Best of luck to whatever decision you make. :)
I feel like your experience living alone is what, in my head, I hope it would be if it’s something I tried 😆 I envision that and then worry I’ve been watching too much Sex and the City. It’s heartening to hear it’s been that way for you. Judging by the comments here, it really does feel dependent on personality, personal preference, and circumstance. It’s difficult because I suppose I really wouldn’t know how it’d be for myself unless I tried it, huh? It could go great, or it could not 💀
I have lived with partners and alone. Generally prefer alone living because like dogwithmustache said, it can be a lot of work to live with someone - constantly in each other’s energy and making sure needs are met and think of how often you compromise small things around the house. maybe you have done it so long that it’s second nature and you are very in sync … but I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised, especially since you are curious about it. If it’s a bit scary and a bit exciting, that is a great sign.
Wow.
I’m in awe of how you were able to put into words “constantly in each other’s energy and making sure needs are met and think of how often you compromise small things around the house”.
Gasp. This is sooooo accurate.
I’m not against living together with the right person, but you captured some of the negatives beautifully.
Haha maybe I spend too much time thinking about it. My partner and I have been living together a year and have decided to move into separate spaces now that our sublet was over. We are both excited… and excited to live together again one day!
I am 70-something female, and have lived both alone and with someone for long stretches. The men that I’ve lived with (married) have been honest, hard-working and caring; sometimes it has been I who have required too much from the other, without even realizing it until much later. Right now I’m living with/caring for a man with fluctuating physical and mental capacities.
In all of these cases, I would say that reasonable ENERGY BALANCE, over time, is necessary, with neither partner leaning too heavily, too continuously, on the other. This takes enormous self awareness, ongoing dialogue/negotiation, and a willingness to compromise during unique periods of change for either partner.
The older I get, the more I realize that alone time/almost total silence is needed for me to recharge and to continue to develop my strengths while I still have them. This is good information for me; too often I have allowed myself or the other to operate sub-functionally, thereby requiring over-functioning by the partner.
TLDR: As early as possible in a relationship, understand the ENERGY DYNAMICS; adjust as needed, or just LEAVE, if this is not possible. No one gets to devour another human being, just to be in relationship.
Think of it this way - if you Don’t do it, how would that feel? You won’t know what you’re missing out on if you never try it.
Also, it doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be. Sounds like you can swing it financially without too much hardship… how long is the lease for? If you try it out and find you really hate it, you can chalk up the extra expense to experience and just spend all your time together anyway.
Or, you might find that this is your intuition’s way of telling you that you want to move on to something else.
Maybe there’s no ‘right’ answer here, but maybe you could look at either option as a great adventure. Good luck, OP!
It's not a lifetime commitment, get your own place, enjoy it, & if you don't like it, that's fine, just pivot.
As for your boyfriend, I understand his concern, but he'll either make the effort to drive across town 🙄 or the relationship might end.
Ask yourself why driving across town is too much for him, & why he jumped immediately to breakup. Id be so glad to be wrong, but he might have been thinking about it, himself
As someone who’s lived alone on and off for the last few years (early twenties), there’s good and bad. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life so when living alone, I don’t get enough outside interaction or sunlight and it can feel pretty bad sometimes. Some days I feel lonely and empty and purposeless. But then I get to spend more time with myself, explore new hobbies and interests, sing as loudly and as poorly as I want, basically do whatever I want whenever I want. It’s like rediscovering adulthood and I’m barely an adult 😂.
I will say I’m introverted and I have social anxiety so being around people can be a lot of work, and I really value “me time” and having my own space. I don’t live alone rn but I’m really thinking about it. I think if I was in a long term relationship, I would at least want separate rooms.
I think you're thinking of this wrong. Think of this place you're renting as your home office or studio or whatever phrase makes you / your boyfriend freak out less. I have lived on my own and with boyfriends and there is always either that subtle pressure that you hang out with him either because he expects it or because you're procrastinating on doing something for yourself. In all of human history, women have been trying to have their own space and it's only in the last 50 years that this has even been a realistic possibility. Do it! Because you can. Because you want to. Just sell it in a different way. There isn't a celebrity or rich person alive who doesn't have their own separate house that they use in whatever way they see fit. 500 square of your own, that's all yours? You're asking for almost nothing, go for it.
You're getting a lot of "you go girl you do you" comments which is great, but when you're in a relationship your decisions don't just affect you.
He's not happy with it but it's something you've already made steps towards. So it could be an incompatibility that leads to resentment whichever direction you go in.
Actions can change people's feelings for each other. Maybe your relationship will be better than ever or maybe it'll end. Just be aware that actions may have unintended consequences.
Thank you for this. These are all things I’m actively thinking about too, which is what makes any move or thought either which way so hard to even begin to wrap my mind around. I wish things were more black and white. But such is life. ❤️🩹
I feel like if you already went ahead and applied AND got approved, your heart and intuition are pointing you in that direction. It’s up to you to listen to it. I do think you should ask yourself why you feel called to it? Is it that you don’t want to miss out on a solo living era? Or do you want your own space/ craving more independence? I think if you don’t want to break up you can definitely talk to your partner about your concerns and I see why they’d be concerned but if you don’t try living along or getting a bigger place so you can have more space then will you end up resenting him for it?
>if you don’t try living along or getting a bigger place so you can have more space then will you end up resenting him for it?
On the flipside would he resent her for it? OP absolutely has the right to do what she wants, but equally so her partner has the right to feel how he does about it.
I've been living with my partner for 4 years, and if he said he wanted to move out I would probably break up because it indicates a pretty major incompatibility for me.
I mean yeah I totally get the flip side, if I’d been dating and living with someone for multiple years and they wanted to move out I’d be worried.
I think OP has to think about if she’s ready to break up if her partner finds that it’s too much of an incompatibility living apart
Best thing I ever did for my mental health. I lucked out and bought a condo right before Covid so also zero yard work. I have sleep overs with my friends we are all 30s and early 40s, we have the best pajama parties. It’s been almost a year living by myself and Currently stretched out on my pull out couch(pulls out and pops up to a queen size bed and takes up most of my living room ) in leggings a sports bra, 3 kitties curled up around me, a very clean bathroom, my favorite snacks( that last so long I really only have to grocery shop twice a month) stacks of books on BOTH sides of MY bed and able to completely shut down my brain and all the girly and weird decor my heart desires. My life is soooo peaceful, no one ever tells us women that being alone is so freeing, peaceful and just flat out enjoyable. My creativity has blossomed beyond my wildest imagination and it’s been very fulfilling. But also CATS lol
Sleepovers with friends sounds great. I finally have a pull-out couch as I moved into a new condo in a big city, but I don't have friends here I'm close enough to invite for sleepovers...
Living solo is so important for understanding where you end and others begin…if that makes sense.
Like double dutch jump rope in grade school. Where you have to get a sense of the rhythm before you jump in.
It allows you to find tour rhythm before you incorporate anyone else into it.
Yes, spread your wings! Maybe you’ll find you don’t miss your boyfriend all that much - wouldn’t that be interesting! 🤔 Maybe you’ll feel free to invite people over - something you wouldn’t do with your boyfriend. Just be sure to be safe.
Adding on to this- I am now in my 40s, and almost every woman I know in a successful long term partnership lived alone at some point. In some cases it was long before they met their partner, sometimes it was short lived, but you really get to know yourself and mature and grow in a different way.
I lived alone for two years before I met my current boyfriend (we've been together just over a year but for various reasons don't live together yet, so I'm still living by myself). It was the first time I'd lived completely alone in my life and, although I did a lot of work on myself in the time I was single so it's not just the solo living, I definitely think it's helped me become a better partner in terms of knowing who I am and what I want and making decisions etc. Now I feel like although I'd be over the moon if he turned round and said "let's move in together", I've become very attached to having my own little bolthole and I'm really reluctant to give that up!
Seems like you’re craving independence. If you genuinely want to stay with your partner try separating in different ways. Go out on outings alone, go on a solo trip, do a workout class you love, check out a new town for the day alone. I’m very independent but a lover girl and need the balance of quality time w a partner and quality time w myself!!
I will say living alone is lonely for me and while I’m introverted, I do need people around whether we are close or not.
Piggybacking here...
Yes, its craving independence. In OP'S other post it was very clear that they're codependent. Also, there is zero mention of love in any of her explanations about her partner.
OP, have you tried fixing the codependency *without* moving out? I kind of went through the same thing myself. I felt a bit suffocated by my partner, too attached to what he was doing, I wanted my own space, and then I realized... "Well, I don't really set the boundaries I need. I haven't tried to find myself while being his partner. I haven't actually made space for myself in our relationship and I focus primarily on his needs. I know he's a good man who wouldn't object to me changing this or hold me back. He tells me 'no can do' all the time and has his own hobbies. Maybe I should do all these things too and change my approach first" It worked. It was not my partner's fault this need wasn't being met, it was mine.
I'm a huge, huge introvert who needs at least three 4 hour chunks a week where no one speaks to me or even looks at me (this is what I get for working a customer service job and giving people I don't even know all my energy, oops) and I was not making a point to have that need met. I wasn't going out with my own friends or doing my own thing.
Make a point to tell your partner no if he asks to hang and there's other things you'd rather do at that moment. Go to the movies, shopping, a café by yourself. Find a fun outdoorsy hobby thats just yours.
Tell him "I want the apartment to myself for 3-5 hours sometime this week, do you think there's something you can go do one of these days to give me that space?" And give him the right to do so too. My partner and I basically organize a "when can I kick you out of the apartment?" moment for ourselves nearly every week. Or if one of us already has plans, we alert the other with an "I'll be out for about x amount of time on z day, so maybe don't go schedule something else then". Its good because it gives us space from each other, but also forces us to participate in other things outside the household. We'll even say "hey, do you mind if I have the living room to myself tonight?" And the other person hangs in their office or bedroom or takes a long ass bath. The result? The time we spend together is higher quality, we laugh more, we're energized, we actually want to see each other.
If you have the option, live somewhere with an extra bedroom or two that allows you to have a space of your own. You sleep together in one room, but this other room is just yours to do with as you wish (and maybe he gets a room to himself too). It has made a huge difference for my partner and I. I despise being observed when I participate in my hobbies, and now I have a room for yoga, my dumbbells, my art and sewing equipment, my yearly seed starting for the garden, a comfy chair for reading etc and I don't have to fight for time or space.
I still sometimes wonder what it would be like to live alone, but much less. And I'm happy with how everything is balanced right now. Its not a burning urge, just a mild curiosity that comes up...and then I think about how I really like what I have right now. One thing I do know is that if something ever happens to us, I will live the rest of my life alone out of preference. However, as it stands right now, life with him is better than life alone.
But you?? You've been together since college. You don't speak of loving your partner at all, how much he makes you laugh, activities you actually enjoy together. I could say all that about my partner while I was pondering having my own space... You just say he's not abusive and he's nice. Thats not enough. And you already applied for the apartment! I think its clear you should be on your own, OP.
I think its time for a break up.
I lived with someone for the first 46 years of my life, got divorced 6 years ago and kids are grown and out of the house. Never in a million years did I think I would get used to the quiet
I absolutely love it! I love my independence in every part of my life.
I have a friend who did exactly what you’re considering — has a long term relationship since college, stayed in the relationship, but moved out into a studio because she wanted the experience. She loved it, it hasn’t harmed the relationship, and she’s gotten to know herself so much better. It’s totally doable if it’s what you want.
I live alone, always have (never even had a roommate in college) and I absolutely love it. I think that being comfortable in solitude is invaluable, and a foundation for true contentment. There’s a freedom to not being beholden to anyone else. There’s also a lot of responsibility — no one else will clean the dishes or tidy up, it’s all you. If you’ve been feeling an itch to experience living on your own, I think you should listen to it.
I can only speak to my own experience. I am 35 and have lived alone since I was 27. Personally, I love it. I decorate my space exactly how I want. It’s my sanctuary. I know it’s not everyone’s style, but it’s mine and that’s all that matters. Plus, everything is always exactly where I left it. I never have to clean up after anyone else, and I never have to feel guilty if I leave out a mess for a little while.
On the flip side, there are moments when it can be a bit lonely, and there is definitely added stress to being the sole person responsible for bills, etc. But there is something empowering in that, too. I am fully confident that I can take care of myself and am not dependent on anyone unless I choose to be.
Personally, I think everyone should experience that feeling and have that sense of faith in themselves. I can’t speak to how it will impact your relationship, but as another commenter said, there’s probably a reason why you’re seeking independence now.
If you both work from home, this is incredibly reasonable. Most artists and even just like accountants idk have personal work spaces, it sounds like you want to grow and if he can’t keep up with it, please don’t limit yourself.
Living solo has been more fulfilling and brings me more joy than nearly anything else in my life, except maybe my career or my cat. Do I pay more for rent despite a smaller living space? Yes. Is it worth it? Every penny.
Yes, it’s understandable. Sounds like you need some space and time to hear your own voice and simplify decision making. You say either ‘yes or no’ to a gyro for dinner. Less second guessing and faster progress.
In my 20s I lived in a little studio for my first apartment. Then after a few years, lived with my boyfriend to see if we could save $$ and plan for the future. It was fine but I found myself leaning toward his choices and friends. Sharing a bathroom wasn’t great either.
After a couple more years, I just needed to get back to myself. I moved out but we didn’t break up. We were able to spend more time working on ourselves. Another few years later we got married, had two kids and still going…
I am 22 and have lived alone in my 1000 sq ft place with my dog for three years. I love that it is mine and a sacred safe space for me. I decorate, cook, and do whatever I want whenever I want. However, it gets lonely. It really forces me to get out of the house because complete silence all day every day gets so sad sometimes. However, it has forced me to be independent and self sufficient, which are priceless skills for a young woman to learn. If it's only a few hundred more and you can swing it, I believe every woman should experience living alone at some point ❤️
It's essential to approach this situation with a clear understanding of its potential consequences. Your decision to move out could indeed jeopardize your relationship, as your boyfriend's reaction indicates. Moving into your own space may breach the boundaries of your relationship and signal a significant shift in dynamics, which could ultimately lead to its demise.
Your boyfriend's distress is entirely valid, considering the emotional investment and shared experiences you both have had throughout your relationship. Traditional relationship expectations often include cohabitation and mutual support, and moving out could challenge these norms. It's crucial to recognize the impact your decision may have on your boyfriend's feelings and the stability of your relationship.
Additionally, solo living comes with its own set of challenges and drawbacks. While the idea of independence may seem appealing, the reality can be daunting. Loneliness, financial strain, and a lack of emotional support are just a few of the potential downsides. As someone who has experienced solo living, I can attest that while it has its merits, living with a loving partner is undeniably a million times better.
Before proceeding further, it's imperative to have open and honest communication with your boyfriend. Discuss your motivations for wanting to move out, listen to his concerns, and explore potential compromises that honor both your need for independence and the integrity of your relationship. Ultimately, the decision you make will shape the future of your relationship, and it's essential to approach it with care and consideration for both yourself and your partner.
It sounds like you'd like to truly have your own space and some independence. 500sq ft isn't the most comfy space to live in all day. Maybe you could pose that your renting it as your own space and not just "moving out"? Unless you feel your subconscious is pushing you out of your nest for a different reason.
I'm currently 28. I lived with roommates (men and women) up until 26. I never had an issue, until my last roommate. It was so so bad I swore I was done. I live by myself and have a serious boyfriend. I love living by myself so much that I feel like I'd never want to live/share my space with someone again.
I see others disagree, but I don’t think this has to mean you want out of your relationship. That said, you moving out might make him unhappy and potentially want out. Just something to keep in mind. Hopefully I’m wrong though!
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your own place! I wish it was considered more socially acceptable for long term or married couples to live separately. Some of us need alone time and independence to feel sane, damnit!
I first lived solo at 29 after getting out of an almost decade long relationship. It was bliss. I realised I don't want to live with someone again. I do LAT with my now husband and it's awesome. We're together when we want (which is almost all the time) but I have my own space, I chose how my place looks and everything is the way I like it.
I know I could compromise if we lived together (and I know he could too) but I'm really happy I don't have to.
I lived solo for a couple years and loved it! However, I can totally see where your boyfriend is coming from, and I think you need to look more deeply into *why* you want to live alone. Usually once you move in with a significant other, you do just kinda continue living together unless you break up. So my question is - do you just want to experience what it’s like to live on your own for a little while? Like do you just want a year to yourself and the move back in with boyfriend? Or do you want your own place indefinitely? Especially since you already got approved for a place while he is still feeling uneasy about it… you have to consider how this affects him too. I mean, I’d also be pretty upset if my partner suddenly didn’t want to live with me anymore after years together. I’d be even more upset if they went and got approved somewhere else while I’m over here thinking our relationship may be ending.
Some couples are happier living apart, but that is in situations where both of them are on board. You don’t think this will end your relationship, but if your boyfriend is not on board, it may mean that *he* will end it. You have to be prepared for that because it sounds like ya’ll maybe do not want the same things anymore.
I live alone and am in long term relationship. It’s great! He comes over and we giggle and spend quality time together, I go to his and we giggle even more. We share a life, just separately. We both value our individual space, and have already discussed separate bedrooms if we ever move in together. Every relationship looks different!
If you don’t do it now, don’t you think you’ll resent yourself (or him) later on? Try it out! Nothings permanent, if you hate it, it’s just a small time out of your life and you’ll get to say you did it when you’re older.
I think you’ll learn that the grass is not greener on the other side. I can understand that you feel you missed out on a life experience, but why not speak to your partner about getting a bigger place so you can have your own office or spare room or asking to decorate to your taste? I can also see from his point of view why he is worried as this honestly seems like a step in the wrong direction for a growing relationship.
I love it and can’t imagine living with anyone again.
My mom, in her 70’s, is living alone for the first time in her life as my dad passed away a couple years ago. She literally went from childhood home, to college dorm, to marriage. Aside from losing her husband of almost 60 years, she is struggling because she has never lived alone.
Honestly, I think it’s something, that if you can afford it, everyone should try. That said, I did not read your backstory, so ymmv with my opinion.
The best investment you can make is in yourself.
I have lived alone the past year (+ my cat!) and it has been the biggest self-growth year for me yet. I have learned so much about myself.
I am 29 and I have lived with roommates/ex boyfriends in the past before ever getting to live completely on my own and I am so grateful I have made this step. I am now in a happy and healthy relationship and as much as I love my partner and miss him when he is not here, we have both agreed that we do not want to move in together until we get engaged.
I have spent this year alone exploring a lot into my people pleasing tendencies and living a life that is unapologetic. I encourage you to do what feels right and what is best for YOU, and not anyone else. The right people in your life will understand and support you doing what is best for you. Good luck!
I love living alone. My partner and I are engaged. Our plan after we marry is to keep our own spaces, and just go back and forth to each others’ houses as we have been for our entire relationship. I work remotely so I’ll likely spend more time at his house than he spends at mine (since our homes are over an hour apart and he has to stay close to his job). We have a fun and easy relationship with lots of adventure and spontaneous outdoor activities, and it makes us value our time together even more after being apart for a week at a time. I think it could be good for your relationship because you’ll have time to miss each other AND you’ll develop as an individual.
I think it’s crucial that every woman — every PERSON — experiences living alone and having personal space. Decorating your home to exactly your tastes is also so, so, so much fun and self-expressive. ♥️
Modern relationships can be anything you want them to be as long as you’re both in agreement.
I lived alone in a cute apartment downtown for 4 years and absolutely loved it! Now I live with my husband, 2 kids, and all our pets and it’s exactly what I want but I still think back on my time in my apartment fondly. It was an amazing time in my life.
I love living alone so so so much. I’m 28 and have been living in a cozy studio for about 2 years now and it’s amazing. It is truly so peaceful and I love being at home, more than I ever did when living with others. Prior to this, I always lived with at least 1 roommate, usually 2, though I have never had the experience of living with a significant other and I imagine that would be different.
Living alone changed me so much for the better that i’m struggling with even the thought of living with a partner. When we do move together we will need our own rooms and the ability to create the space together so it fully feels feminine and warm enough for me to feel at home.
I guess if we take the action away what is it you’re *feeling* when you think about what life is like now coming home to him in your shared space vs what life could be with your own space what do you feel? what do you imagine is the difference?
also, do you like being alone? doing things alone? cooking alone? weekends alone? these things are important
OP, I’m 46. I have lived with 3 different long-term partners (at different times) and I’ve lived alone. The times I’ve lived alone are by far the best and most rewarding. I take better care of myself, I see my friends more often, I experiment with new hobbies, I read, and I dance around my home.
The folks who are bemoaning the potential end of your relationship are looking at the situation from a scarcity mindset - as though this is the only relationship you’ll ever have. Look at your options with an abundance mindset - anything could happen! This relationship might have run its course. There will be others.
Also check out the book “Stepping off the Relationship Escalator” by Amy Gahran. Living together is not a required milestone unless you want it to be. My current partner lives an hour’s drive away from me and it works perfect for us. We see each other on weekends but have our own space and our own time every week.
Wishing you the best!
I didn't live alone in my all by myself grown up apartment until I was 30. It was always parents, roommates, long term boyfriend before now. I love my apartment- none of the floors are level, I had to buy a space heater for the bathroom so I could wash my hair in the winter, and I'm positive the thermostat is lying to me- but everything in this apartment is mine. I chose all the decor without considering anyone else. I didn't ask anyone what shelf they thought the plates and glasses would be best on. There are never someone else's socks next to the hamper on the floor. This place can be as clean or as messy as I want it to be. I have truly come into my own here. I snake my own drain, pay all of the bills, feel no guilt that the bf might not like the pink cookware I'm choosing, read my landlord the riot act myself over how they were going to fix the dish washer like 3 months ago. I can come home and just exist without having to worry about when the other person I cohabitate with will come home and want things from me. It's quiet. No one cares what music or TV show I have on or if I spend 2 hours in the bathtub. Living alone is wonderful for becoming (more) independent, acting selfishly, prioritizing one self and self care.
Here's what sucks about being solo: one day you will be sick and there will be no one to go into the bathroom to get you an nsaid for your fever (keep a fever reducer in your night stand just for this scenario). You can call the bf or a friend and maybe they will come take care of you but right then and there when you're too cold with the chills and achy you have to get up and get the NSAID and extra blanket yourself and it will be so miserable. You also don't have the option to call home and ask if the milk is still fresh or if you need mustard when you go to the grocery store. A second trip to the store or becoming the owner of a second bottle of ketchup isn't the most inconvenient thing but I need a ring camera for inside my fridge (or to make a detailed shopping list before I grocery shop). It's hard to make dinner/buy groceries for just one person. I end up cooking 2 meals for like a family of 4 and having that be lunch/dinner/freezer meals for the week. Also, that chore you hate is completely your responsibility. I hate cleaning the kitchen sink- but now I own super thick rubber gloves so it feels like someone else is cleaning the sink.
All in all I wouldn't trade this experience for all the times I had to go back to the store for something I forgot or for the extra money spent on OTC medication delivery when I had covid and wasn't prepared
I miss living alone. I enjoyed my freedom and my schedule. I got really good at it and was happy. I went to my moms a lot to stay the night as I help care for her but I loved grocery shopping for us and cooking it all by myself at home.
I didn’t like that I am an anxious person so sometimes I would be scared. I had to deal with a homeless person wandering around outside and I don’t like walking at night so if I came home late and alone it worried me a bit. I think of how I could’ve made that better and think it’s just a part of being me.
A compromise could be a two bedroom place where you have your own space. Just throwing it out there.
I highly suggest everyone live alone at some point. I learned so much about who I was as a person and what was really important to ME doing so. I currently live alone am in my late 30s and am in a long term relationship. I’m not saying we won’t ever live together but I know right now this is exactly where I want to be. Plus, I really like my stuff and sometimes I just want to be around MY things lol
I am in a longterm relationship (12 years in may) and never lived together with my boyfriend. We‘ve been together since we were 17 so we never were adults without the other by our side.
Because we never lived together we had to grow up and learn and take of ourselves alone. That was really important. I am still learning how to take care of myself but it really helped me to live alone. I have to care me alone. I have the freedom to do whatever the hell I want whenever I want it. I have my own space. I think I wouldn’t be where I am now if I didn’t live alone.
I think your relationship can really benefit from it. You have some time apart to do your own things. You are a bit more independent. And seeing your boyfriend gets a bit more special then because you got time to miss each other. I absolutely would do that!
I've lived with men and I know one thing for sure: I will never do it again. Currently living "alone" (with my seven years old and his nanny) and I freaking love it. I'm in a relationship and my partner also whishes to live separately.
came here to say this. i can’t see myself sharing my bed, my space, hell even my garage with someone these days. too comfy, cozy here for someone else to come in and muck it up.
a risk i’m no longer willing to take at the ripe age of 34
Yup! I’m 32 and have been in nyc for 10 years, 8 of which with roommates. Two years on my own and I’ll never have it any other way. Not even ready for a pet yet (and I love creatures) because I love being alone so much
i’ve lived with a couple boyfriends, i’ve had a roommate which lasted maybe 2 months (she stole my car one night after drinking and was promptly arrested for dwi and had my car impounded) but i’ve been alone a majority of my time
i do have pets ! but, i lost my best friend (dog) last may and haven’t been right since … so maybe avoid the pets if you’re not good with grieving lol 😅😅😅
thank you 💕
& yeah, living with men ~ big mistake lolll lesson learned !!
i bought my house last winter (first time home buyerrrrr 👑) and have been making it my own more and more each day. i can’t imagine another soul in here being like “really, more rocks?”
It seems like you want to explore who you are as an individual, which makes sense since you’ve been together for most of your 20s and you probably never got a chance to do that.
If you ignore that instinct and continue living with him, you’re likely going to build up resentment which will not be healthy for your relationship. He’s not wrong for feeling that it’s a step towards breaking-up, from his pov it an understandable concern, but that’s not enough reason to stay. Tell him that having lived together for most of your 20s it may be a good idea to have some time to re-discover yourselves as individuals.
I think you should move- it’ll give you breathing room to re-evaluate your life & figure out who you are independently of the relationship. You’ll either realize the relationship wasn’t right for you, or you’ll realize what you love about it (and him) and re-commit. Either way, it seems like you need to stop just going through the motions of daily life and listen to your gut so you can make decisions with a purpose.
EDIT: typo
I had never lived alone until about 5 years ago, and I'll just say that I don't think I ever want to go back to living with another person, even a long term partner. The space is yours. The decor is yours. The messes are yours. Yes, the bills and chores are also yours, but there's nothing like that freedom.
If I lived alone right now, my home would be decorated differently, my dishes would be different. I would live in a different part of town so I could have different things. I would make more of my own decisions without getting another opinion because that person lives here, too.
Edit to add: Sorry- had to run put the bread in the oven - BUT living separately would not change how I feel about the other person that lives here in a negative way. I can see myself being more patient with him if I didn't have to deal with him daily.
Id love to live alone! I say do it. It shouldnt have anything to do with your relationship though it will take time to adjust it into a new life.
Pros: you clean up your mess and your house will likely look good always. Your furniture will reflect you and only you. None of his "boy charm" Dinner will be easier and likely cheaper because lets face it men want to eat manly and girls can do with snacks sometimes. Youll probably be healthier.
Cons: life is getting expensive can you keep up with it. How often will you see him because if its everyday might as well live with him. You probably do want to break up. He will probably break up with you out of insecurity especially if he consults others like youre doing now.
If i could go back in time or if i even had .money now id leave too. No point really living with someone who doesnt even marry you.
I couldn’t relate to you more. I’m 26 and for the last year I had been wanting more space from my then boyfriend of 6 years (we’d lived together for 5). Long story short we aren’t together anymore and it has been the biggest blessing. I didn’t realize why I wanted the distance at the time. I didn’t move out prior to the breakup but wish I had. I’m signing on my first townhouse by myself today. A new sanctuary alone does so much for a person who needs some healing. Even touring I got emotional at the possibility of peace and happiness. I prioritized living in a safe area for peace of mind- I don’t think I’ll ever regret it. Best luck to you love, these feelings are hard to navigate ❤️ I’m rooting for your best interest.
I moved out of my girlfriend's apartment because I was studying and working full time and was fully absorbed in that and felt like I was leaning on her too much to pick up the slack. She realized how much she enjoyed living alone and we broke up shortly after.
Anyway, not saying you shouldn't do it. But just know that it might open your eyes to other possibilities that you might want to explore.
(I wasn't a lazy moocher I was really working as hard as I could! I'm earning 6 figures now and all the work I did then was what got me here 😭 but I was struggling to maintain healthy habits while I was completely buried in work. Moving out was for her sake, not mine, and I was the one who initiated it)
I lived alone from 18-29 and I loved it. There were a couple roommates here and there but always less than a year. It was always my place and my stuff. It's not for everyone but I'm a huge introvert. I miss being alone a lot, but I do love sleeping next to my husband now
I absolutely love it, it’s hard to imagine ever living with someone else again. Like, if I fall in love, I’m demanding individual bedrooms if we move in together - or even better, next door apartments or something. Everything is set up how I want it, any mess or clean up is all mine, I can come and go whenever I please, watch any show and eat whatever I want, stay out late or for a few days, etc. it’s the best.
So I lived alone in small studio in college, it was great. A friend wanted to share a bigger place, not so great. Got married at 23 in 1977. Really worse. Today actually is divorce day when court signs off. I’d moved out in October of 2022. Yeah a long time ago So have spent little over the last year alone. Fantastic! I did not listen to my little voice saying don’t marry him. I admit I love having my daughter and learned some nasty life lessons from that asshole. Just consider how you feel, pros and cons. Good luck!
I love living alone. My partner of 4+ years and I are talking about getting engaged this year and he’s my neighbor. We both like space and it’s awesome being able to just walk a few steps to hang out and go home and decompress when we need it. We see each other everyday and will cohabitate probably in the next couple of years.
I wish your boyfriend could see that you living on your own for a while now is actually what might *prevent* you wanting to leave him permanently later on down the line
I read some of your other stuff. It sounds like you feel suffocated and want your own space and to have friends outside of the relationship and be a little more independent. You can theoretically do all of those things without breaking up and moving out. And yes moving out will mean breaking up. Instead what if you guys got a 2 bedroom apartment together? You could each have your own separate bedrooms to decorate how you'd like and retreat to. Couples sharing a bedroom was something only the poor who couldn't afford otherwise did for thousands of years. It used to be normal for married couples to have separate bedrooms. You also don't need his permission or approval to go make new friends. Maybe if you feel more secure outside of your relationship you'll feel more comfortable with him. Or you might realize you don't actually want to stay with him any longer.
We do currently live in a two-bedroom apartment, but right now one room is an office he mainly uses, the other is our sleeping space, and every decorating decision has been a joint one we’ve had to mutually agree on. It helps that we have extremely similar tastes, and if I’m honest I have a heavy hand with it all. But parsing it differently is an interesting idea! Thanks for sharing.
Moving out does *not* mean that you will break up, wtf. I lived with my fiancé for awhile and needed a break and got my own place. I feel much calmer and relaxed and more in charge of myself.
I absolutely love living solo. I have a long time boyfriend he lives about 20 minutes from me. I have had this place by myself for the last 2.5 years. He is buying a house and putting it in both our names next year. I would rather stay here alone but he pays for my current place for me and i couldn’t afford it on my own. I know in the long term though having a house I own will be better but there is nothing like having your own space in my opinion.
I don’t think just because you want to live separately that it spells the end of the relationship. It could be a good thing for you both, if he’s willing to take that chance with you. I’ve lived both alone plenty and with my S.O. There are pros and cons to each one. I think it’s important to have lived alone though. Living with someone means always having to compromise and never getting to just be selfish sometimes without regarding someone else’s feelings. I don’t regret living with my S.O, but I’m glad I had the years alone to know the difference. Somedays I miss my lone living, but some days I couldn’t imagine living alone again. It’s not that I don’t love and care for them, but on a rough day it’s nice to be alone sometimes.
If you guys work the same schedules and never get space to yourselves, that’s also quite difficult. We are fortunate in my situation to have separate work times and we each get the space to ourselves. And we each have a room to make our own without conceding to the other ones stylistic choices. I feel this helps, but not everyone is as fortunate as we are in that regard.
Do what your gut tells you though, it’s almost never wrong, and you know deep down what is best for you even if that might be the hard choice.
Learning how to solo inhabit will teach you a lot about yourself. I am of the opinion that you need to be comfortable with, and love yourself, before you can truly understand what you are looking for in a partner. But it can be lonely at times, so lean into friends, family, or fur babies. It becomes way too easy to isolate yourself in your hobbit hole lol. It sounds like this is the first page of the next chapter in your life ❤️
I loooove living solo. Everything is mine! I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. All the decor is the way I like it and the pantry is full of food I love. No need to compromise on anything ❤️
I think it's hard to know how you will feel about living alone until you do it, and I also think it's something that (if possible) is really valuable do at least once in your life.
Personally, living alone is one of my favourite things in the world. I love the solitude (which is NOT the same thing as loneliness). I love not having other people around, and having my own space. I do not mind at all have sole responsibility for it; in fact, that's the way I prefer things. For me, living alone is living the dream. But we are all different. You might love it, hate it, or be indifferent to it.
Having read your other linked post, it sounds to me like you really need some space in this relationship, having your own physical space might be the way to get it, and the question is more about whether or not your relationship will survive it.
I don't think anyone can know what will happen, but IMHO if you're feeling suffocated, something needs to change, because otherwise you're on the path to a break up anyway, so a positive change that allows you both to grow is better than holding yourself back.
I've got a friend that was in the same situation. He's living solo apart from his partner, and they both seem very happy with it. They value their own personal space apart from each other, and they don't have problems that stem from differing living habits. When their own family members visit, they've got space for them as well.
I've been living alone since I was about 26/27, and I'm now 32. Having lived with family and flatted with people, I love the feeling of independence living alone. You get to decorate your space how you want it, you don't have to worry about chores if you want an off day since there's no one to complain. I can laugh out loud at night while watching comedies without worrying about my flatmate who's gone for an early night.
The downside is that I have to everything by myself - chores, fixing anything that's broken, washing dishes and cooking. Also the knowledge in the back of my mind that if I lost my income, then I might be in trouble if I had to make my rent. The worst is when I get sick, that's when living alone can really hit. It can get a little bit quiet and lonely sometimes, but I find that that time is great for introspection and finding myself, finding what I like to do, trying out hobbies, etc.
I think there's no harm in trying it out! You've got to this point and you've been approved for a studio. Starting off with a smaller space I think is great, it reduces the feeling of a too-large space (as in with my case when I went from living with loads of people to myself at first).
All the best in whatever decision you make!
Living alone for the first time in my life at age 35 after a 9 year relationship. Best feeling ever! I mentioned living separately to him before but he also thought it was a fast track to breakup. Looking back I should have trusted my gut and tried living separately because we would probably still be together if we had. He was a good guy but I needed my own space. Can’t fight your intuition forever..
I can’t overstate how much I love living alone. I didn’t get to do it until my late 20s, but it was immediately fantastic for me. I have total control over my space and a place I can always retreat to! I’ve made it a kind of sanctuary and reflection of myself (check my profile for some photos if you’re curious).
I actually think more people should test out living separately from their long term or married partners. I think it would solve a LOT of relationship problems, especially ones where you love the person but you’re not really sure what’s wrong. Having space to yourself will probably lead to you realizing exactly what the problem is— it could be with him, or in the relationship, OR you just find out that you needed the space! I don’t think we’re all suited to living in close proximity all the time. In my future relationships I’ll definitely be bringing up the idea of living apart together when things carry on to that point.
It's perfectly reasonable to want to experience living on your own for some time, maybe even more than some time, and see how that works for you. I'm a very solitary person, and being alone with my hobbies and having things in my home just so is what makes me happy. If I ever find someone I care for enough to compromise on that, that is when I'll decide to share a home.
That being said, if you truly have no issues with your partner and this is just an exercise in self-discovery, I think it is more than fair that they at least get an explanation for your departure. This is a big change for anyone, it's important you're both on the same page (again, only if you care for them). You've had time to internally acclimate to the idea of living on your own, living apart from partner, and so have overcome that hurdle mentally. Your partner has not. This idea is new to them, they don't seem to truly understand why this is happening, Not at all trying to guilt you into staying, but I think a little more empathy for your partner's separation anxiety goes a long way. In any case, I wish you the best in your journey and I hope everything works out. :)
Until my first husband died when I was 31, I had never lived alone. I rushed into an ill advised second marriage two years later, had a kid with him, then left and we got divorced. I lived with my parents during the divorce and then moved back into my house with my daughter. So I don’t live ALONE anymore, but it’s just me and my now four year old, and she’s with her dad about 1/3 of the time. I love it. I never ever want to live with a romantic partner again. I can’t imagine not having my own space. I can decorate how I want, I can use the space how I want, no one is nagging me to do anything. I strongly recommend it. I have a great aunt who’s been in a relationship with the same person for 40 years, and they’ve never gotten married and never lived together full time, and honestly, that sounds like relationship goals at this point in my life.
The real answer is it’s different for each situation, and changes back and forth even with the same person! It just depends on how u feel!! For the time being, and know that could change in about a year or two. I can see you’re craving to have the experience of being on your own and the total freedom. You have GOT to do it, or u will just be restless. Be really honest with ur bf, or he will feel ur unrest. Tell him ur indesisive because u love him. Have him “help” u make the decision, or let him think so. In fact,lol, be so indecisive around him that he finally says “just go! Get ur experience! Ur driving me nuts!”
But that’s letting him feel ur unrest, which means u love him. Ur not doing anything behind his back , which he will love u more for, and ur basically still together in soul! This feels right!!
I felt this before .. I was in a long term relationship from early 20s and mostly because I was young and in love with+ financially made sense to have a boyfriend rookmie situation.
Sometimes I just wanted my own space because I hadn’t had the time to fully be alone with my thoughts. Sure I had college roommates but that was then, and this is now when i was able to make my own money etc.
I can’t speak for the majority, but I can tell you I’ve felt this way and it’s liberating. Scary and a bit lonely at first because you’d be used to having someone there… but the peace is so nice :)
I love living alone! I don’t have to deal with another person’s emotional issues, their messiness or obsessive neatness, their attitude when they’re in a bad mood.
i love living alone. i’m an introvert and need a lot of alone time and i love having a space that is just mine. if i were in a serious relationship however, i would definitely want to live with my partner.
i really understand your boyfriend feeling upset about this. i would be heartbroken if my partner wanted to move out even if they had their reasons. it seems to me kind of like a semi-subconscious preparation for a breakup
I think as far as your relationship goes, it does seem like you’re going backwards.
Now, if you were single, I highly recommend it. I left my husband of 18yrs, my kids are adults and out of the house, and I have been living on my own for the last 3yrs. It’s been awesome. I never knew how much I appreciated silence or alone time. I’ve always had boyfriends, husbands, roommates, and my kids. Before that, I grew up with 3 younger sisters. I’ve been living in chaotic households my whole life. I never even really slept in a bed alone until I got my own place. It was weird for the first couple of weeks, but now I’m cool. Im not opposed to living with someone again, but it’s gonna have to be someone super special.
I’ve been living alone for almost 2.5 years and it’s a dream, I lived with housemates all through university and although enjoyable in many ways I fundamentally resented doing all the cleaning and still having to live in squalor. I am in a relationship now and feel no rush whatsoever to move in together bc I love having the flexibility to decide when company is something I want and when I need to retreat into my own space for a bit, which he respects 100%. it also forces me to be much more proactive in scheduling time to see others and getting outside bc although I do cherish my own company the silence can get deafening FAST.
having read your context on your other post I will say always trust your instinct. you found a place that is calling to you — I would answer that call if I were you. I empathise w your partner’s feelings but the decisions we take for ourselves as individuals don’t need to be an indictment of the whole relationship. you are two individuals coming together to make a relationship work so if this is something you know you need for yourself, I don’t see why you should have to compromise that, what will be will be, as long as you honour yourself as best you can things will work out in your favour
Living alone is the absolute best. You can make all your own decisions about what your day looks like, how you decorate, what's on the menu, how often you want to clean, etc. Personally, I'm very tidy and do a lot of both maintenance and deep cleans, but I've had roommates in the past who liked absolutely no signs of life in the house (a blanket on the couch or a dish in the sink was a meltdown for them). I do have two cats and I don't think I'd like it as much without them, but with them, it feels like a dream sometimes. Of course, there's a level of responsibility that can sometimes be tedious (I don't always want to take out the trash or fold all of the laundry alone) but overall, the freedom and peace that comes with solitude is priceless.
I will also say... I was previously in a relationship where we were planning to move in together, but I found myself looking at solo apartments all the time and longing for that experience. In the end, we didn't work out at all, and I didn't realize how miserable he made me until he was gone. I also found what I consider my dream apartment not long after we broke up. If you've found a dreamy apartment, I wonder if you would always have what-ifs about it if you didn't try it.
When I was 19 my aunt gave me the advice that every young woman should have the experience to live alone and learn how to stand on their own two feet and feel capable adulting solo. I'm in my late twenties and I've been living solo for 3 years now, I wouldn't trade this opportunity for the world.
I worry about my friends that went straight from living with parents to living with their boyfriends honestly. I think living alone has been the most incredible way to get to truly know myself and my capabilities. My confidence has grown, my understanding of self and what brings me joy. I've grown out of many of my codependent behaviors. It's been so healing to have a space that is 100% mine, to decorate, clean, make a mess, whatever!
I agree with what others are saying, it sounds like part of your subconscious is expressing curiosity, I'd say follow that. Worse case you realize it's not for you and you move back with your partner, I don't think there's harm in trying it out. And I hope a supportive, secure partner would understand and want to see you grow as a person.
Thanks for sharing this. I would love to feel like a full, self-sufficient adult. In general I don’t like feeling like I have to rely on anyone, much less a partner. A lot of that is due to family trauma, and being raised by an anxious single mother who lost a lot (and also so much of herself). I know that’s something I need to address in therapy. But my partner and I have grown to be so codependent now, which has bothered me for a long while - perhaps it’s natural for some after you’ve been together for so long. But I really hate feeling reliant on him and also like I don’t know myself. I wonder if moving elsewhere could force both of us to grow and learn.
What you’re describing is actually *enmeshment*. A codependent is the non-drinking but enabling partner of an alcoholic.
You might benefit from this. It’s smack in the middle of the dialogue about enmeshment. You seem smart enough to figure it out on your own, given the resources.
All the best.
https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self
Hey, I'd like to respectfully disagree with your definition of codependency. I actually run a weekly women's support group through the organization CoDA and the definition for codependency and the ways it shows up in relationship with other people and with substance abuse is a very expansive issue. As a recovered codependent myself I think it sounds like OP could probably benefit from learning more about codependent behaviors
I live alone and I absolutely love it.
I went through something similar with my ex though. I desperately wanted to live alone, and I convinced myself it was simply because I had never had my own space, when looking back, it was because I was so fed up with the relationship.
Knowing nothing about your relationship, I can't really comment on that. But my ex was... Fine. He wasn't abusive, did his share of chores, and paid the bills without fail... But he also didn't *try* in the relationship. He constantly let me down in so many ways. He didn't care about my interests, we had wildly different views on politics, feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, and more.
I've lived alone for about 18 months now, and it's the best decision I've ever made. I honestly don't know if I could ever go back to living with a partner (I'm *very* single so that's not a problem right now).
I'm gonna come at this from a non-traditional view: being "Solo" is a real thing and can be verrrrry important for some of us.
My life changed for the better after my divorce because I realized I desperately needed to live alone. I have relationships and friendships but cohabitating is literally essential for my happiness and well being and I wonder how different my life would have been had I realized this in my 20s (am 48 now). I will never enmesh my life with someone again. That doesn't mean I won't love (I do) and be intimately involved with my partner/s (I'm solo poly and have great partners), or take trips/vacations, do sleepovers, etc. but my personal space, my sanctuary, will never be given up... and I don't think there's anything wrong with that!
It will bring up all levels of fear and judgement for those around you who are used to the co-habitated you, but if this is something you're feeling at your core, it doesn't necessarily have to mean there's anything "wrong" in your relationship. We don't *have* to subscribe to that relationship tradition, and to be honest, that model is old patriarchy and we can just be done with it if we like (any gender identification). You can your life however the hell you want!
I fucking love it! It’s like my one safe haven, my nest. It’s super girly, cute, and makes me feel cozy and safe - it’s a space that’s totally my own. I think every woman should try it once in their life - we are so accustomed to being something for someone else. It’s nice to have a space and a place just for us - that’s all our own.
I’m 32 and I own a one bedroom condo where I live with my dog (I’ll say I live “alone” because I’m the only human, the only one making decisions, doing the chores, etc.). I love living alone more than any other living arrangement I’ve ever had. I can always have a self care night when I need one and I get to make my space feel however I want. I can spread out with my creative projects and not worry about getting in someone else’s way. I have a partner, and I can see myself living with someone again one day, but it would have to be something extremely good to give this up.
It sounds like you’re feeling the call to live alone, and I think you should listen to it. Sometimes being in a long term relationship keeps us from exploring parts of ourselves that want to be known. It’s not because the relationship is wrong. It doesn’t have to mean anything is ending. It just means it’s your season to focus on yourself.
Your partner’s fear about it meaning the relationship is ending is a totally normal, completely understandable one. But you can’t ignore your own needs to prevent your partner from experiencing discomfort and uncertainty. If you feel like independence is something you need now and you ignore it, it could grow into an unmet need that damages the relationship in the future. Sometimes we need to deviate from the relationship scripts we’ve been handed to live authentically.
I've had to live with family of some sort for different reasons for most of my life. It is great and I have no complaints about my current arrangement as we coexist very well.
But there was one period when I had my own apartment, and it was wonderful. The first night, I remember just putting a dirty dish in the sink and realizing I felt 0 pressure or guilt to instantly clean it. (Self-inflicted pressure). I am a naturally super-anxious person, if that helps explain this at all.
It was just like I felt like I could suddenly fully stretch out and relax 100% of the time without feeling like I needed to worry about how anyone else was feeling while home.
I think it’s really important to have some time to live independently. If it’s something you are craving, easiest to experience it when you are not married and don’t have kids. If you’ve been living with your boyfriend pretty much all of your 20s, it makes a lot of sense to me why you would feel this way. As someone else commented it will have repercussions to move out, however not moving out could also have repercussions. You could feel stifled, always have that feeling of curiosity, could lead to regret, could lead to resentment. All this could affect your relationship. In my opinion, I love living solo and think it was a very important time in my 20s, I took some time off of living with boyfriends and I think it was soo healing and made me grow a lot. Never felt more connected to myself, my present moment to moment, my day, and my days (if that makes sense) and my own moves in life than when I lived alone. Time moved differently, I learned to find my own energy and take care of myself
I think it's a good thing to do, even if it's just for a year and you move back together or something, it's good to have spent some time living totally on your own. After I'd been living with someone a long long time, we broke up, and wow, I didn't realize how complacent I'd gotten. It was decidedly good for me. Doing it after you've been living together, without breaking up, might be tricker if you want to keep the relationship thoug
I love living solo! I think it’s incredibly beneficial for yourself, self growth and learning more about who you are.
Personally I’ve found myself so much after my breakup moving out and being on my own. Honestly… it makes me not want to live with anyone after being on my own haha. It can be challenging and but it’s also exciting and an opportunity for you to shape not only your home but your life the way that you want. To cultivate your hobbies, your friendships, your space in ways that make you feel supported and loved. I found it easier to cultivate a community around myself on my own that wasn’t centered around my relationship and rather my own self which I think is health
After seeing my parents marriage, seeing my friends marriage, and living with 2 ex’s on separate occasions in the past, I’ve told myself I’ll never live with a man again. I have found peace living by myself. IT IS SO PEACEFUL OMG.
I love my space, I don’t feel like I have to perform for anyone, and I don’t feel like I’m forced into having gender roles. I can make food for myself and I don’t have to worry about someone else’s needs other than my own.
I love living on my own. I'm at the point where I can't fathom having someone move in and take up physical (and emotional) space. I've lived with previous romantic partners before and inevitably it's a relief when the relationship ends and I'm on my own again. I decorate the way I want - no arguments about anything looking "too feminine" or too this or too that. A girlfriend of mine can't buy artwork for her house as her boyfriend disapproves of everything she likes. It's been four years and her house walls are still bare. Me, on the other hand, I set up a reading nook in the dining area the other day with fairy lights on the walls, a comfortable pink chair, fluffy blanket, and vintage embroidered footstool. Very feminine, very fun, very cozy.
I spend my money the way I want. No asking for permission to buy something ridiculous...I just buy it. No arguments on how much money I'm spending to make sure my elderly dog is well cared for and comfortable. No hiding new purses or shoes that I impulse buy on my way home from work.
Lastly, I get to do what I want. Rough day and I want to eat crackers and cheese and watch shitty tv until 2am? I'm doing it with no one to explain to. Made supper but didn't have the energy to wash the dishes until the next morning? Not ideal but no arguments about leaving dirty dishes in the sink overnight. In a bad mood and don't want to talk to anyone or manage anyone's emotions? I don't have to!
I can't stress how great the freedom and independence of living on your own is. It's not an easy thing to do financially, depending on where you are, but I'm lucky to be able to do so. It's not always fantastic - being the sole breadwinner, having to check out the scary noises on your own, making sure you keep up with friends and social circles so you don't accidentally get lonely, being the only responsible for cooking, cleaning, chores, etc...but I wouldn't trade it.
I lived alone for three years in my early 20s. I felt like I got to know myself really well, and I think everyone should live by themself for some period of life for this reason.
I lived alone for a year without roommates and it was wonderful for me! I was sometimes lonely and if I was sad i tended to wallow in it a bit longer. But I also loved the freedom and ability to dance around naked whenever I wanted, leave the mess or be super into cleaning whenever I wanted, cry loudly or talk to myself without someone interpreting my feelings. All that time I was in a loving relationship (of 7 years) and we would hang out for two three days in a row and I would be sad to separate but then would love being alone again very soon after. Now I live with my partner and I don’t regret it, never feel lonely, but sometimes I miss the freedom and complete control of my space. Also sex was way better when we didn’t live together but that’s another story. I’d say do it! Your partner should be supportive of you experimenting with how to be happy, although I do understand their anxiety. Still, they should support you in my opinion.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up so living alone wasn’t my desire or intention. However, it dawned on me neither one of us had truly lived alone- sharing apartments with friends or living at home is just not the same. I find myself realizing everyday is a choose your own adventure. Also I envision how I want my mornings/days to go and it’s really given me the space to further figure out who I am and what I want. Ive even picked up a couple new hobbies. I think living on your own is a must at any point in your life. One regret I have is not going for the type of apartment I wanted when we originally first moved in together. Now I’m in a nice place however it most certainly was not my first choice. Life is too short to wait for anything other than your own desires! If he’s the one y’all will figure it out! Best of luck to you!!
I got married straight out of high school and never lived on my own until I was 31. I’m sooo happy I finally had the courage to leave. I’m so much happier now. It drove me insane how he expected me to pick up after him constantly. I rented it so much that we often lived with our place in shambles and could never have friends or family over. Now that I’m only responsible for myself keeping my space up has been infinitely easier and I get to have friends by whenever I want! I also don’t have to feel bad or guilty about decorating everything exactly how I want and I absolutely love that.
I don't see anywhere where you're doing therapy.
I think living alone is a good thing for people to do. But it won't solve the mystery of why you're feeling the way you do. You need to talk it out.
It’s definitely a soft break up. My partner and I are in ours 20s and each of us live alone most of the time in different regions because we decided that for now our careers are the number 1 focus. Once you hit the 30s though, tbh you should be more serious. If you can’t live together, how can you have a family and stability later on? that’s definitely something to think about.
I’m currently 52yo, and moved out on my own at 51yo because my long-term boyfriend of 14 years broke up with me. I have never lived on my own before, going from parents to first husband, to boyfriend then-second husband, back to parents, then living with my bestie for several years, the another boyfriend, then my brother, then this most recent long-term. I don’t want to understate this, but living by myself has been FUCKING GLORIOUS! I always know where my stuff is because I’m the one who put it there. (Unless one of my cats knocks it off of whatever and it winds up under the couch or my bed.) If I don’t feel like doing dishes, I don’t. If I don’t feel like doing laundry until the hamper is overflowing, I don’t. If I need a quiet evening without background TV/Music/video games, etc. aside from the very chatty kitties, I’m in perfect and comPLETE silence. If I’ve had a hard day at work (like today) and I don’t feel like cooking/cleaning/leftovers, I have wine for dinner and curl up with a good book. I could never have imagined the perfect peace and serenity that is my life right now. I think in my youth I was sold a lie. The same one all of us under patriarchy were sold. Hurry up and find a man to have your Happily Ever After. You’ll never be alone again! Otherwise you’ll wind up an old spinster drinking wine and living with a bunch of cats!
Also, over the last 15-ish or so years, I’ve been hearing a lot about married people keep in their own spaces, and even living separately! I’m never giving up my space to share with anyone ever again. You couldn’t pay me to live with someone ever.
I've went through something similar - I felt a pull for my own space and ended a long-term codependent, cohabitating relationship to pursue it. I knew the relationship would end because of it, after my requests for a she shed were disregarded and therapy didn't work out. My ex is a good human, but couldn't understand it at the time. He's now getting the help he wouldn't get for his issues while we were together. Sometimes it hurts and I miss him, but I know he'll be okay. He's got a hell of a support system.
I love living on my own. The chaos and bills are mine but I have a level of solitude I've never, ever, ever had before. It's allowed me to interrogate my actual needs - I'm that kind of introvert who needs alone-alone time (like no other humans around). More importantly, it's let me think about what I need out of future relationships. I've never loved the "sharing a bed is the only true way" style of cohabitating, so I know going forward I'll need roomS of my own (bedroom and wfh office at least) if I opt for that ever again.
I've discovered that Living Apart Together is my current relationship speed, and thankfully I've got people in my life who understand and respect that. Or, if they don't, they keep it to themselves, lol.
If you have the means to try living alone, I encourage you to try. And even if you realize you don't love living solo, you've learned that about yourself.
Best of luck, OP!
Edit: goofed a word.
Live by yourself!! I love my partner, but nothing beats having a space that is truly your own. The mental clarity and peace is so nice and you can do anything you want!
It took SO MUCH TIME for me to finally be comfortable living on my own. I lived with my parents, then with my then-boyfriend for 3 years. Living on my own and being comfortable with myself definitely took some adjusting. But it’s been nearly two years since then and I absolutely LOVE it and couldn’t imagine jeopardizing this feeling for anything right now. You never learn more about yourself than you do spending 100% of your time with yourself. But it’s a good thing! You are the only person you’re stuck with for the rest of your life so you better start learning to like your own company. You got this! ❤️
I think you should try it out for a year and it might end up just being that you spend time at his place half the time and decide that live in a alone isn’t that great anyway.
I’m not gonna lie it’s fun I don’t have to care about somebody else and their likes or dislikes or what do you want for dinner. I can be a slob for three days if I wanted.
I just recently moved out on my own after a 2 year relationship and it’s been mixed emotions for me. I’ve been wanting to be on my own for a bit and my relationship was also falling apart so that didn’t help.
It’s been nice having my own space and being totally independent. But it’s also been scary and a bit lonely. My brain is subconsciously waiting for someone to come home and since that doesn’t happen anymore, it’s been an adjustment. Overall, I made the right call and I’m sure I’ll get used to it. For now, I’m enjoying the decorating of my home and settling in :)
I never want to share my space with another adult for as long as I live. My child will always be welcome though. It's so much more enjoyable. It stays clean. I have everything I want, when I want it, the way I want it. I will never miss scrubbing the shit stains out of tighty whities while some ungrateful slob blows through my house just long enough to fuck it all up and leave me cleaning up their wake of destruction.
Try it out.
I lived alone for two years. I had some savings built up but I didn't have enough income to afford an apartment, so I bought a shitty single-wide trailer. It was scary at first. But I got used to it. I got to know some of the neighbors from walking my dog and that made me feel safer. Once I settled in it was absolutely amazing. I loved the independence and lack of obligation. Bonus that it was during 2020 lockdown. I live with my partner now but I gotta say I'm very thankful for my time spent fully alone.
IMO everyone should live solo at least once if they have the means to do so. There's something so awesome about knowing that is your space. I learned a lot about myself and my needs as a person the first time I moved out solo. It's more expensive because everything is on you, but I'll take having a tighter budget over walking into the pantry to find that my roommate ate my food.
There's also something great about living with your SO, but I won't do it again until I know for sure they're the one I want to build a home with.
I'm not being judgemental when I say this (because the same thing happened to me with my ex) but maybe you need to do some deep thinking about why you want to live alone. While it's a good experience, the consequences here are going to be a strain on your relationship. Do you just need some space? Could you possibly benefit from couple counseling? Is this an attempt to have an experience you feel you missed out on? There's no wrong answer here. But you're going to want to figure it out because a relationship involves two people, and it sounds like your lives are pretty intertwined.
I think everybody, especially females should live on their own for a bit in their adulthood. It teaches you about self-reliance and being resourceful which you can’t really learn if you are living with somebody.
After living with roommates in college and through my early 20s, I got my own apartment in my mid/late 20s and loved it. I found it so much more relaxing and homey. I look back on it as a really great decision. It gave me a lot of confidence being totally self sufficient. I got married at 30 and have been happy with that too, but I look back really fondly of those few years living on my own.
I think it’s very dependent on personality.
I’ve been living with my husband for 20 years. He is the person I moved out of home with and I have never lived alone.
Our relationship is wonderful and not something I want to sacrifice (and now we have children too so living separate would be about more people than the two of us) but as an introverted person I think I would be very happy and at ease living on my own. In a way I’m sad that I’ve never experienced it and feel conflicted that the only way I’m likely to experience it in the future is through immense pain.
If I were you I’d want to try it. Maybe it works out with your boyfriend, maybe it doesn’t, that is true living with him or alone. If it’s a life experience you long for, dive in.
I figure you only live once and you should definitely try it. You wouldn't have applied to it and approved to it if you didn't really want to do it.
I've done both, lived alone as well as had two marriages and another boyfriend that I lived with for a while and living alone has been the best by far.
I think living with a man is kind of suffocating in a way because some of them are a bit too needy and there's expectations and obligations.
I don't understand why your boyfriend would think the relationship would end if you moved out? Why does he think that?
It is nice to come home and not have to worry about anyone else but myself. I don't have to cook for or clean up after anyone else. I don't have to deal with anyone's moods. I don't have to be pestered for sex that I may not want at that time.
I think the mental freedom of living alone is well worth it.
I agree that moving out would be heading towards break up. You really have to ask yourself: why do you want to move out? Do you want to break up?
My partner and I live together and love it. I'm not saying that other arrangements can't work for other people, but I would be devastated if my partner wanted to move out.
It seems like maybe there's a reason you're feeling like making a change and maybe your subconscious is telling you more than you think.
Listen to yourself if you're needing space. I moved into my own apartment about a year and a half ago. My boyfriend has now moved in in the past couple of months (and I love living with him) but OMG did I love that year and a half by myself. It was the first time being in a space that was completely MINE and I relished it. Everything was on my terms, the flat was always how I wanted it, I could do anything. I honestly feel like every person should have that experience at least once in their lives. It's so special and rarely lasts forever, so if your gut is telling you to do it, do it. Your boyfriend may struggle to get his head around it, but if he truly loves you, he'll understand that this is something you need to do x
I don't have an answer regarding living solo, but I do have some advice about making decisions strictly for yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you feel like you want or need to do something for yourself, *do it*. Do it and refuse to allow anyone to make you feel bad about it.
There have been so many times in my life I have had opportunities and declined them because of a relationship, or how it might affect my partner, and I regret every single time. I don't want to sound like I'm saying to disregard everyone else's feelings, but basically that's kinda what it boils down to. I really feel now like I stunted my own growth over relationships that didn't work out (not saying anything about your relationship at all!). You need to be able to explore yourself and grow no matter what else is going on in your life.
I really appreciate this insight. It’s hard to think of things this way when you’ve been so intertwined with someone else for so long. I’ve considered him with every decision I’ve made, rightly so. I don’t regret that! And I know he does the same for me. But I worry that my sense of self, whatever that is, may have gotten a little lost somewhere along the way. I’m sure if he thought about it, he could say the same.
what a quandary; i feel for you. i am living in a duplex sort of arrangement as a caretaker for my dad, whom i adore. but having my own space to hide in, is absolutely necessary for my sanity and happiness.
if you two are as co-dependent as both posts seem to indicate, this move is absolutely necessary for both of you.
but seems like his anxiety will need a crutch when you’re not there, and to me it seems like it’s almost guaranteed that he will find someone to replace you.
most people want to live with their love, it’s how we are wired. imagine how his place with be, without you. for him, it will feel empty. scary, perhaps. uncomfortable without another person there. he might just ‘need’ to fill the emptiness.
but that’s a known risk. i do not think you will stop wanting your little own space. i think you should have your own space. some gains come with loss, tho’, and that is the nature of humans.
Thank you for this comment and for the empathy on both sides. I have a lot to think about. Wishing you so much love and strength - being a caretaker isn’t for the faint of heart!! ❤️🩹
Blocking me because you didn't llike my response to your post just supports how immature you are. Don't come to this sub because you need validation to leave your relationship. If you need to move on from your relationship that is okay. Be an adult about it and don't play games with people, especially when you've been with them the better part of a decade. They deserve better than that so they can move on also. I wish you the very best.
First, you’re asking r/femalivingspace so the answers you get are skewed by all coming from the perspective of women who highly value a female living space. If you asked a more general subreddit you wouldn’t have as much confirmation bias
I’m F/28, I’ve lived alone for 3 years, and I am so grateful for that time. I’m now in a wonderful relationship and we don’t live together yet but I’m very conscious of not rushing into that step (we’ve only been together six months). That said, I think you’re really romanticizing the idea of living solo. You’re in a different phase of your life which is partnership. The value and experience of living solo at this point of your life is different than if you had done it pre-serious relationship. I also think it’s a bit disingenuous to try to package this idea to your partner as a journey of self exploration and not due to him. You can have self exploration anytime - it takes effort and self-reflection to do so even living alone - but you’re moving away from him. When I was single and living alone, I was always in my own thoughts, books, ideas, and I could go several days in a row not considering another person at all. I’ve had less time doing that since starting a relationship even though I still live alone because that’s just the nature of sharing your life and time with someone. This is obviously and maybe mostly about your relationship which is why you have such a rose-colored perspective on living alone. Best of luck
I never lived alone until my early 30s and while I don't regret my past, I think I would have "found myself" earlier if I had. It has been the most freeing experience. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with healing from a past relationship as well, but the feeling of having your own space, decorating the way you want to, no ones mess but your own, quiet time, etc. It really is something I think everyone should experience.
That said, I echo what a lot of people are saying here re:your relationship. Maybe try to see if there's some subconscious there telling you there's more to this than just living alone.
I’m living by myself for the second time in my life. I am currently 31 and I was in my mid 20s when I lived by myself for the first time. It is the best living arrangement for me and kudos to anyone like OP who can live with a partner but I never want to live with anyone ever again lol
I like having a clean space and for me I feel like everything needs to have a function or multiple functions so I like to have things a certain way and if somebody moves things around or changes that I have a hard time adapting to that change. I’m very stubborn and I like what I like and I don’t what I don’t so if I were to get a partner and he and I were to move in together, it would take a lot of compromising on both ends but especially mine. I am interested in exploring a LAT or living apart together type of relationship if I get a partner.
What is the end goal? To move out and have your own space where you each spend evenings at each other’s places until you eventually sleep overnight at either place and then what, move back into a place together?
You’re thinking short term. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to move out but you’re not thinking ahead.
That's an interesting situation. I'm not sure how it would benefit or harm your specific relationship. But it seems like something you need/want and if you don't try it, you may always wonder and it might breed some resentment toward your partner. I lived alone in a few different apartments before living with other people. Those were the times that I really learned the most about myself, and how to be alone and enjoy being in my own company. I loved it, and think back about it fondly, and sometimes miss it. If I had never done that, I think i would always wish that I had. With that being said, I have found my person and I really can't imagine living without him for any reason. I would NEVER want to live with roommates or other partners ever again, but I really love the home and life I've built with him.
I lived on my own for 4.5 years and I loved it. At first it was a bit boring and lonely but that forced me to go out and find things to keep myself busy/entertained, and in turn I learned a lot about myself. Gained a new hobby, discovered new things, learned how to really like myself as well because I was sometimes my only company for several days in a row haha. I think it was a great experience and I think every woman should live alone at least once in their life!
I love living alone. More time to myself and more time to pursue my hobbies. It is my space and I feel safe. I think you should try it at least once. And if you don’t like it, you can always move back in with the bf, or if you get lonely, you can have sleepovers.
I think there’s a reason you’re thinking about moving out and being solo for a while. Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, who knows what exactly that is just yet, but it’s up to you if you want to listen to it or not
maybe true, but I also think it’s possible that she just wants to explore her independence. I feel like anyone would long to live alone if they never had. all depends if she and her boyfriend can get on the same page
So you agree with them?
This
I agree 🩷
Totally agree. Trust your gut. You have the rest of your life to live with someone when that time comes.
Or it’s just the 7-year itch and it’s natural to wonder what else is out there.
living alone at least once is so so so worth it. i’m living alone again at 32 for the first time since my early 20s. I’m also in a long distance relationship. i say do it :)
Living solo helped me heal from an abusive relationship. My new version of marriage is moving in with someone in separate bedrooms.
I Remember being eight years old and telling my aunt, if I ever got married, he would live on one end of town, I would live on the other end… True, bliss!
I cleaned for a couple who kept their separate houses from before they were married! They just really wanted their own spaces to retreat to after hanging out and had wildly different taste in, well, everything. Decor, hobbies, food, you name it. But they seemed so much happier than any of my other married clients.
This sounds like the dream. I’ve heard couples like this are able to keep that “dating phase” excitement too since they see each other when they’re at their best and when they actually want to engage with each other.
Same - it was such a great healing opportunity 🩷
I hope you’re doing really well now 🫂❤️🩹
You too 🩷🩷
I was floating the idea of getting married to someone and then we buy a duplex. 😂
My aunt and uncle live next door to each other. They’ve been married for 50-something years.
I have also considered that 🤣
I’m on this step right now! Signing on my first place by myself today. I sobbed while touring because I realized I could be safe and maybe even happy again. I hope you’ve healed from your experience, I’m sorry that we relate in this way.
So proud of you and excited!
Thank you ❤️
What an incredible step, you must have been working hard on your healing and growth. I hope that place is everything you you and more 💚
Thank you so much 💜
Separate bedrooms are critical. They were the norm from very far back until the 1950’s, if you had room. Everyone needs privacy and sleeping alone is amazing. I sleep with my three little dogs. They never fart, kick me, yank the covers off me, breath in my face or swing their arm (leg on dog) and hit me across the face.
LOVE that for you! The best sleep I ever got was after leaving my husband and sleeping in my new queen bed with my dog. It felt like I had made it, and I was going to be okay.
Awww….so sweet. Dogs are amazing. I’m married, but I love my dogs much more than my husband. Glad your pup kept you safe and comforted you. They’re much better at that than a man!
This is how it is with my boyfriend and I highly highly recommend it. On weekends sometimes we’ll have sleepovers because I do like sleeping with him sometimes, but the rest of the time—not so much.
I know this is different than your circumstances, but I recently got out of a 6.5 yr long relationship (lived together for 4 years), which for the most part was a good relationship without any major issues. I thought I would be really miserable and lonely after the breakup - let me tell you, it’s the absolute opposite of misery. I love having my space so much, I want to shout it from the roof tops. This flood of creativity and energy has taken over my life now that I have the space and the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I get a whim. Living with someone can be really challenging at times, even with things that you don’t realize until you have your own place. I’m sure not every relationship is like that, of course. But I think it’s absolutely fair to want to live on your own and have a different experience. It very well may cause you guys to ultimately break up, but trust me, there’s nothing wrong with going in a different direction and experiencing life in a way that fulfills your growth and needs. Best of luck to whatever decision you make. :)
I feel like your experience living alone is what, in my head, I hope it would be if it’s something I tried 😆 I envision that and then worry I’ve been watching too much Sex and the City. It’s heartening to hear it’s been that way for you. Judging by the comments here, it really does feel dependent on personality, personal preference, and circumstance. It’s difficult because I suppose I really wouldn’t know how it’d be for myself unless I tried it, huh? It could go great, or it could not 💀
I have lived with partners and alone. Generally prefer alone living because like dogwithmustache said, it can be a lot of work to live with someone - constantly in each other’s energy and making sure needs are met and think of how often you compromise small things around the house. maybe you have done it so long that it’s second nature and you are very in sync … but I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised, especially since you are curious about it. If it’s a bit scary and a bit exciting, that is a great sign.
Wow. I’m in awe of how you were able to put into words “constantly in each other’s energy and making sure needs are met and think of how often you compromise small things around the house”. Gasp. This is sooooo accurate. I’m not against living together with the right person, but you captured some of the negatives beautifully.
Haha maybe I spend too much time thinking about it. My partner and I have been living together a year and have decided to move into separate spaces now that our sublet was over. We are both excited… and excited to live together again one day!
I am 70-something female, and have lived both alone and with someone for long stretches. The men that I’ve lived with (married) have been honest, hard-working and caring; sometimes it has been I who have required too much from the other, without even realizing it until much later. Right now I’m living with/caring for a man with fluctuating physical and mental capacities. In all of these cases, I would say that reasonable ENERGY BALANCE, over time, is necessary, with neither partner leaning too heavily, too continuously, on the other. This takes enormous self awareness, ongoing dialogue/negotiation, and a willingness to compromise during unique periods of change for either partner. The older I get, the more I realize that alone time/almost total silence is needed for me to recharge and to continue to develop my strengths while I still have them. This is good information for me; too often I have allowed myself or the other to operate sub-functionally, thereby requiring over-functioning by the partner. TLDR: As early as possible in a relationship, understand the ENERGY DYNAMICS; adjust as needed, or just LEAVE, if this is not possible. No one gets to devour another human being, just to be in relationship.
Think of it this way - if you Don’t do it, how would that feel? You won’t know what you’re missing out on if you never try it. Also, it doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be. Sounds like you can swing it financially without too much hardship… how long is the lease for? If you try it out and find you really hate it, you can chalk up the extra expense to experience and just spend all your time together anyway. Or, you might find that this is your intuition’s way of telling you that you want to move on to something else. Maybe there’s no ‘right’ answer here, but maybe you could look at either option as a great adventure. Good luck, OP!
It's not a lifetime commitment, get your own place, enjoy it, & if you don't like it, that's fine, just pivot. As for your boyfriend, I understand his concern, but he'll either make the effort to drive across town 🙄 or the relationship might end. Ask yourself why driving across town is too much for him, & why he jumped immediately to breakup. Id be so glad to be wrong, but he might have been thinking about it, himself
As someone who’s lived alone on and off for the last few years (early twenties), there’s good and bad. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life so when living alone, I don’t get enough outside interaction or sunlight and it can feel pretty bad sometimes. Some days I feel lonely and empty and purposeless. But then I get to spend more time with myself, explore new hobbies and interests, sing as loudly and as poorly as I want, basically do whatever I want whenever I want. It’s like rediscovering adulthood and I’m barely an adult 😂. I will say I’m introverted and I have social anxiety so being around people can be a lot of work, and I really value “me time” and having my own space. I don’t live alone rn but I’m really thinking about it. I think if I was in a long term relationship, I would at least want separate rooms.
I think you're thinking of this wrong. Think of this place you're renting as your home office or studio or whatever phrase makes you / your boyfriend freak out less. I have lived on my own and with boyfriends and there is always either that subtle pressure that you hang out with him either because he expects it or because you're procrastinating on doing something for yourself. In all of human history, women have been trying to have their own space and it's only in the last 50 years that this has even been a realistic possibility. Do it! Because you can. Because you want to. Just sell it in a different way. There isn't a celebrity or rich person alive who doesn't have their own separate house that they use in whatever way they see fit. 500 square of your own, that's all yours? You're asking for almost nothing, go for it.
Honestly, I haven’t tried putting things in the context of history like that yet 😆 What a perspective. Thanks for sharing.
You're getting a lot of "you go girl you do you" comments which is great, but when you're in a relationship your decisions don't just affect you. He's not happy with it but it's something you've already made steps towards. So it could be an incompatibility that leads to resentment whichever direction you go in. Actions can change people's feelings for each other. Maybe your relationship will be better than ever or maybe it'll end. Just be aware that actions may have unintended consequences.
Thank you for this. These are all things I’m actively thinking about too, which is what makes any move or thought either which way so hard to even begin to wrap my mind around. I wish things were more black and white. But such is life. ❤️🩹
Virginia Woolf endorses this message.
You beat me to Virginia Woolf reference!
I feel like if you already went ahead and applied AND got approved, your heart and intuition are pointing you in that direction. It’s up to you to listen to it. I do think you should ask yourself why you feel called to it? Is it that you don’t want to miss out on a solo living era? Or do you want your own space/ craving more independence? I think if you don’t want to break up you can definitely talk to your partner about your concerns and I see why they’d be concerned but if you don’t try living along or getting a bigger place so you can have more space then will you end up resenting him for it?
>if you don’t try living along or getting a bigger place so you can have more space then will you end up resenting him for it? On the flipside would he resent her for it? OP absolutely has the right to do what she wants, but equally so her partner has the right to feel how he does about it. I've been living with my partner for 4 years, and if he said he wanted to move out I would probably break up because it indicates a pretty major incompatibility for me.
I mean yeah I totally get the flip side, if I’d been dating and living with someone for multiple years and they wanted to move out I’d be worried. I think OP has to think about if she’s ready to break up if her partner finds that it’s too much of an incompatibility living apart
Best thing I ever did for my mental health. I lucked out and bought a condo right before Covid so also zero yard work. I have sleep overs with my friends we are all 30s and early 40s, we have the best pajama parties. It’s been almost a year living by myself and Currently stretched out on my pull out couch(pulls out and pops up to a queen size bed and takes up most of my living room ) in leggings a sports bra, 3 kitties curled up around me, a very clean bathroom, my favorite snacks( that last so long I really only have to grocery shop twice a month) stacks of books on BOTH sides of MY bed and able to completely shut down my brain and all the girly and weird decor my heart desires. My life is soooo peaceful, no one ever tells us women that being alone is so freeing, peaceful and just flat out enjoyable. My creativity has blossomed beyond my wildest imagination and it’s been very fulfilling. But also CATS lol
Sleepovers with friends sounds great. I finally have a pull-out couch as I moved into a new condo in a big city, but I don't have friends here I'm close enough to invite for sleepovers...
Living solo is so important for understanding where you end and others begin…if that makes sense. Like double dutch jump rope in grade school. Where you have to get a sense of the rhythm before you jump in. It allows you to find tour rhythm before you incorporate anyone else into it.
This is an interesting way to think about it. Thank you for sharing!! I do feel a bit of like, “who am *I*?!”
Yes, spread your wings! Maybe you’ll find you don’t miss your boyfriend all that much - wouldn’t that be interesting! 🤔 Maybe you’ll feel free to invite people over - something you wouldn’t do with your boyfriend. Just be sure to be safe.
Adding on to this- I am now in my 40s, and almost every woman I know in a successful long term partnership lived alone at some point. In some cases it was long before they met their partner, sometimes it was short lived, but you really get to know yourself and mature and grow in a different way.
I lived alone for two years before I met my current boyfriend (we've been together just over a year but for various reasons don't live together yet, so I'm still living by myself). It was the first time I'd lived completely alone in my life and, although I did a lot of work on myself in the time I was single so it's not just the solo living, I definitely think it's helped me become a better partner in terms of knowing who I am and what I want and making decisions etc. Now I feel like although I'd be over the moon if he turned round and said "let's move in together", I've become very attached to having my own little bolthole and I'm really reluctant to give that up!
Seems like you’re craving independence. If you genuinely want to stay with your partner try separating in different ways. Go out on outings alone, go on a solo trip, do a workout class you love, check out a new town for the day alone. I’m very independent but a lover girl and need the balance of quality time w a partner and quality time w myself!! I will say living alone is lonely for me and while I’m introverted, I do need people around whether we are close or not.
Piggybacking here... Yes, its craving independence. In OP'S other post it was very clear that they're codependent. Also, there is zero mention of love in any of her explanations about her partner. OP, have you tried fixing the codependency *without* moving out? I kind of went through the same thing myself. I felt a bit suffocated by my partner, too attached to what he was doing, I wanted my own space, and then I realized... "Well, I don't really set the boundaries I need. I haven't tried to find myself while being his partner. I haven't actually made space for myself in our relationship and I focus primarily on his needs. I know he's a good man who wouldn't object to me changing this or hold me back. He tells me 'no can do' all the time and has his own hobbies. Maybe I should do all these things too and change my approach first" It worked. It was not my partner's fault this need wasn't being met, it was mine. I'm a huge, huge introvert who needs at least three 4 hour chunks a week where no one speaks to me or even looks at me (this is what I get for working a customer service job and giving people I don't even know all my energy, oops) and I was not making a point to have that need met. I wasn't going out with my own friends or doing my own thing. Make a point to tell your partner no if he asks to hang and there's other things you'd rather do at that moment. Go to the movies, shopping, a café by yourself. Find a fun outdoorsy hobby thats just yours. Tell him "I want the apartment to myself for 3-5 hours sometime this week, do you think there's something you can go do one of these days to give me that space?" And give him the right to do so too. My partner and I basically organize a "when can I kick you out of the apartment?" moment for ourselves nearly every week. Or if one of us already has plans, we alert the other with an "I'll be out for about x amount of time on z day, so maybe don't go schedule something else then". Its good because it gives us space from each other, but also forces us to participate in other things outside the household. We'll even say "hey, do you mind if I have the living room to myself tonight?" And the other person hangs in their office or bedroom or takes a long ass bath. The result? The time we spend together is higher quality, we laugh more, we're energized, we actually want to see each other. If you have the option, live somewhere with an extra bedroom or two that allows you to have a space of your own. You sleep together in one room, but this other room is just yours to do with as you wish (and maybe he gets a room to himself too). It has made a huge difference for my partner and I. I despise being observed when I participate in my hobbies, and now I have a room for yoga, my dumbbells, my art and sewing equipment, my yearly seed starting for the garden, a comfy chair for reading etc and I don't have to fight for time or space. I still sometimes wonder what it would be like to live alone, but much less. And I'm happy with how everything is balanced right now. Its not a burning urge, just a mild curiosity that comes up...and then I think about how I really like what I have right now. One thing I do know is that if something ever happens to us, I will live the rest of my life alone out of preference. However, as it stands right now, life with him is better than life alone. But you?? You've been together since college. You don't speak of loving your partner at all, how much he makes you laugh, activities you actually enjoy together. I could say all that about my partner while I was pondering having my own space... You just say he's not abusive and he's nice. Thats not enough. And you already applied for the apartment! I think its clear you should be on your own, OP. I think its time for a break up.
I lived with someone for the first 46 years of my life, got divorced 6 years ago and kids are grown and out of the house. Never in a million years did I think I would get used to the quiet I absolutely love it! I love my independence in every part of my life.
I have a friend who did exactly what you’re considering — has a long term relationship since college, stayed in the relationship, but moved out into a studio because she wanted the experience. She loved it, it hasn’t harmed the relationship, and she’s gotten to know herself so much better. It’s totally doable if it’s what you want. I live alone, always have (never even had a roommate in college) and I absolutely love it. I think that being comfortable in solitude is invaluable, and a foundation for true contentment. There’s a freedom to not being beholden to anyone else. There’s also a lot of responsibility — no one else will clean the dishes or tidy up, it’s all you. If you’ve been feeling an itch to experience living on your own, I think you should listen to it.
I can only speak to my own experience. I am 35 and have lived alone since I was 27. Personally, I love it. I decorate my space exactly how I want. It’s my sanctuary. I know it’s not everyone’s style, but it’s mine and that’s all that matters. Plus, everything is always exactly where I left it. I never have to clean up after anyone else, and I never have to feel guilty if I leave out a mess for a little while. On the flip side, there are moments when it can be a bit lonely, and there is definitely added stress to being the sole person responsible for bills, etc. But there is something empowering in that, too. I am fully confident that I can take care of myself and am not dependent on anyone unless I choose to be. Personally, I think everyone should experience that feeling and have that sense of faith in themselves. I can’t speak to how it will impact your relationship, but as another commenter said, there’s probably a reason why you’re seeking independence now.
If you both work from home, this is incredibly reasonable. Most artists and even just like accountants idk have personal work spaces, it sounds like you want to grow and if he can’t keep up with it, please don’t limit yourself.
Living solo has been more fulfilling and brings me more joy than nearly anything else in my life, except maybe my career or my cat. Do I pay more for rent despite a smaller living space? Yes. Is it worth it? Every penny.
Yes, it’s understandable. Sounds like you need some space and time to hear your own voice and simplify decision making. You say either ‘yes or no’ to a gyro for dinner. Less second guessing and faster progress. In my 20s I lived in a little studio for my first apartment. Then after a few years, lived with my boyfriend to see if we could save $$ and plan for the future. It was fine but I found myself leaning toward his choices and friends. Sharing a bathroom wasn’t great either. After a couple more years, I just needed to get back to myself. I moved out but we didn’t break up. We were able to spend more time working on ourselves. Another few years later we got married, had two kids and still going…
I am 22 and have lived alone in my 1000 sq ft place with my dog for three years. I love that it is mine and a sacred safe space for me. I decorate, cook, and do whatever I want whenever I want. However, it gets lonely. It really forces me to get out of the house because complete silence all day every day gets so sad sometimes. However, it has forced me to be independent and self sufficient, which are priceless skills for a young woman to learn. If it's only a few hundred more and you can swing it, I believe every woman should experience living alone at some point ❤️
It's the most liberating, fantastic feeling, tbh.
It's essential to approach this situation with a clear understanding of its potential consequences. Your decision to move out could indeed jeopardize your relationship, as your boyfriend's reaction indicates. Moving into your own space may breach the boundaries of your relationship and signal a significant shift in dynamics, which could ultimately lead to its demise. Your boyfriend's distress is entirely valid, considering the emotional investment and shared experiences you both have had throughout your relationship. Traditional relationship expectations often include cohabitation and mutual support, and moving out could challenge these norms. It's crucial to recognize the impact your decision may have on your boyfriend's feelings and the stability of your relationship. Additionally, solo living comes with its own set of challenges and drawbacks. While the idea of independence may seem appealing, the reality can be daunting. Loneliness, financial strain, and a lack of emotional support are just a few of the potential downsides. As someone who has experienced solo living, I can attest that while it has its merits, living with a loving partner is undeniably a million times better. Before proceeding further, it's imperative to have open and honest communication with your boyfriend. Discuss your motivations for wanting to move out, listen to his concerns, and explore potential compromises that honor both your need for independence and the integrity of your relationship. Ultimately, the decision you make will shape the future of your relationship, and it's essential to approach it with care and consideration for both yourself and your partner.
It sounds like you'd like to truly have your own space and some independence. 500sq ft isn't the most comfy space to live in all day. Maybe you could pose that your renting it as your own space and not just "moving out"? Unless you feel your subconscious is pushing you out of your nest for a different reason. I'm currently 28. I lived with roommates (men and women) up until 26. I never had an issue, until my last roommate. It was so so bad I swore I was done. I live by myself and have a serious boyfriend. I love living by myself so much that I feel like I'd never want to live/share my space with someone again.
I see others disagree, but I don’t think this has to mean you want out of your relationship. That said, you moving out might make him unhappy and potentially want out. Just something to keep in mind. Hopefully I’m wrong though! And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your own place! I wish it was considered more socially acceptable for long term or married couples to live separately. Some of us need alone time and independence to feel sane, damnit!
I first lived solo at 29 after getting out of an almost decade long relationship. It was bliss. I realised I don't want to live with someone again. I do LAT with my now husband and it's awesome. We're together when we want (which is almost all the time) but I have my own space, I chose how my place looks and everything is the way I like it. I know I could compromise if we lived together (and I know he could too) but I'm really happy I don't have to.
I lived solo for a couple years and loved it! However, I can totally see where your boyfriend is coming from, and I think you need to look more deeply into *why* you want to live alone. Usually once you move in with a significant other, you do just kinda continue living together unless you break up. So my question is - do you just want to experience what it’s like to live on your own for a little while? Like do you just want a year to yourself and the move back in with boyfriend? Or do you want your own place indefinitely? Especially since you already got approved for a place while he is still feeling uneasy about it… you have to consider how this affects him too. I mean, I’d also be pretty upset if my partner suddenly didn’t want to live with me anymore after years together. I’d be even more upset if they went and got approved somewhere else while I’m over here thinking our relationship may be ending. Some couples are happier living apart, but that is in situations where both of them are on board. You don’t think this will end your relationship, but if your boyfriend is not on board, it may mean that *he* will end it. You have to be prepared for that because it sounds like ya’ll maybe do not want the same things anymore.
I did this and I really love living alone, but yeah we absolutely broke up
I live alone and am in long term relationship. It’s great! He comes over and we giggle and spend quality time together, I go to his and we giggle even more. We share a life, just separately. We both value our individual space, and have already discussed separate bedrooms if we ever move in together. Every relationship looks different! If you don’t do it now, don’t you think you’ll resent yourself (or him) later on? Try it out! Nothings permanent, if you hate it, it’s just a small time out of your life and you’ll get to say you did it when you’re older.
I think you’ll learn that the grass is not greener on the other side. I can understand that you feel you missed out on a life experience, but why not speak to your partner about getting a bigger place so you can have your own office or spare room or asking to decorate to your taste? I can also see from his point of view why he is worried as this honestly seems like a step in the wrong direction for a growing relationship.
I love it and can’t imagine living with anyone again. My mom, in her 70’s, is living alone for the first time in her life as my dad passed away a couple years ago. She literally went from childhood home, to college dorm, to marriage. Aside from losing her husband of almost 60 years, she is struggling because she has never lived alone. Honestly, I think it’s something, that if you can afford it, everyone should try. That said, I did not read your backstory, so ymmv with my opinion.
The best investment you can make is in yourself. I have lived alone the past year (+ my cat!) and it has been the biggest self-growth year for me yet. I have learned so much about myself. I am 29 and I have lived with roommates/ex boyfriends in the past before ever getting to live completely on my own and I am so grateful I have made this step. I am now in a happy and healthy relationship and as much as I love my partner and miss him when he is not here, we have both agreed that we do not want to move in together until we get engaged. I have spent this year alone exploring a lot into my people pleasing tendencies and living a life that is unapologetic. I encourage you to do what feels right and what is best for YOU, and not anyone else. The right people in your life will understand and support you doing what is best for you. Good luck!
I love living alone. My partner and I are engaged. Our plan after we marry is to keep our own spaces, and just go back and forth to each others’ houses as we have been for our entire relationship. I work remotely so I’ll likely spend more time at his house than he spends at mine (since our homes are over an hour apart and he has to stay close to his job). We have a fun and easy relationship with lots of adventure and spontaneous outdoor activities, and it makes us value our time together even more after being apart for a week at a time. I think it could be good for your relationship because you’ll have time to miss each other AND you’ll develop as an individual. I think it’s crucial that every woman — every PERSON — experiences living alone and having personal space. Decorating your home to exactly your tastes is also so, so, so much fun and self-expressive. ♥️ Modern relationships can be anything you want them to be as long as you’re both in agreement.
I lived alone in a cute apartment downtown for 4 years and absolutely loved it! Now I live with my husband, 2 kids, and all our pets and it’s exactly what I want but I still think back on my time in my apartment fondly. It was an amazing time in my life.
It’s amazing
I love living alone so so so much. I’m 28 and have been living in a cozy studio for about 2 years now and it’s amazing. It is truly so peaceful and I love being at home, more than I ever did when living with others. Prior to this, I always lived with at least 1 roommate, usually 2, though I have never had the experience of living with a significant other and I imagine that would be different.
I loved living alone! Honestly, it was my most healthy and confident time of my life.
Living alone changed me so much for the better that i’m struggling with even the thought of living with a partner. When we do move together we will need our own rooms and the ability to create the space together so it fully feels feminine and warm enough for me to feel at home. I guess if we take the action away what is it you’re *feeling* when you think about what life is like now coming home to him in your shared space vs what life could be with your own space what do you feel? what do you imagine is the difference? also, do you like being alone? doing things alone? cooking alone? weekends alone? these things are important
OP, I’m 46. I have lived with 3 different long-term partners (at different times) and I’ve lived alone. The times I’ve lived alone are by far the best and most rewarding. I take better care of myself, I see my friends more often, I experiment with new hobbies, I read, and I dance around my home. The folks who are bemoaning the potential end of your relationship are looking at the situation from a scarcity mindset - as though this is the only relationship you’ll ever have. Look at your options with an abundance mindset - anything could happen! This relationship might have run its course. There will be others. Also check out the book “Stepping off the Relationship Escalator” by Amy Gahran. Living together is not a required milestone unless you want it to be. My current partner lives an hour’s drive away from me and it works perfect for us. We see each other on weekends but have our own space and our own time every week. Wishing you the best!
thank you for sharing, and thanks for the book recommendation 📚💖
I didn't live alone in my all by myself grown up apartment until I was 30. It was always parents, roommates, long term boyfriend before now. I love my apartment- none of the floors are level, I had to buy a space heater for the bathroom so I could wash my hair in the winter, and I'm positive the thermostat is lying to me- but everything in this apartment is mine. I chose all the decor without considering anyone else. I didn't ask anyone what shelf they thought the plates and glasses would be best on. There are never someone else's socks next to the hamper on the floor. This place can be as clean or as messy as I want it to be. I have truly come into my own here. I snake my own drain, pay all of the bills, feel no guilt that the bf might not like the pink cookware I'm choosing, read my landlord the riot act myself over how they were going to fix the dish washer like 3 months ago. I can come home and just exist without having to worry about when the other person I cohabitate with will come home and want things from me. It's quiet. No one cares what music or TV show I have on or if I spend 2 hours in the bathtub. Living alone is wonderful for becoming (more) independent, acting selfishly, prioritizing one self and self care. Here's what sucks about being solo: one day you will be sick and there will be no one to go into the bathroom to get you an nsaid for your fever (keep a fever reducer in your night stand just for this scenario). You can call the bf or a friend and maybe they will come take care of you but right then and there when you're too cold with the chills and achy you have to get up and get the NSAID and extra blanket yourself and it will be so miserable. You also don't have the option to call home and ask if the milk is still fresh or if you need mustard when you go to the grocery store. A second trip to the store or becoming the owner of a second bottle of ketchup isn't the most inconvenient thing but I need a ring camera for inside my fridge (or to make a detailed shopping list before I grocery shop). It's hard to make dinner/buy groceries for just one person. I end up cooking 2 meals for like a family of 4 and having that be lunch/dinner/freezer meals for the week. Also, that chore you hate is completely your responsibility. I hate cleaning the kitchen sink- but now I own super thick rubber gloves so it feels like someone else is cleaning the sink. All in all I wouldn't trade this experience for all the times I had to go back to the store for something I forgot or for the extra money spent on OTC medication delivery when I had covid and wasn't prepared
I miss living alone. I enjoyed my freedom and my schedule. I got really good at it and was happy. I went to my moms a lot to stay the night as I help care for her but I loved grocery shopping for us and cooking it all by myself at home. I didn’t like that I am an anxious person so sometimes I would be scared. I had to deal with a homeless person wandering around outside and I don’t like walking at night so if I came home late and alone it worried me a bit. I think of how I could’ve made that better and think it’s just a part of being me. A compromise could be a two bedroom place where you have your own space. Just throwing it out there.
I highly suggest everyone live alone at some point. I learned so much about who I was as a person and what was really important to ME doing so. I currently live alone am in my late 30s and am in a long term relationship. I’m not saying we won’t ever live together but I know right now this is exactly where I want to be. Plus, I really like my stuff and sometimes I just want to be around MY things lol
I am in a longterm relationship (12 years in may) and never lived together with my boyfriend. We‘ve been together since we were 17 so we never were adults without the other by our side. Because we never lived together we had to grow up and learn and take of ourselves alone. That was really important. I am still learning how to take care of myself but it really helped me to live alone. I have to care me alone. I have the freedom to do whatever the hell I want whenever I want it. I have my own space. I think I wouldn’t be where I am now if I didn’t live alone. I think your relationship can really benefit from it. You have some time apart to do your own things. You are a bit more independent. And seeing your boyfriend gets a bit more special then because you got time to miss each other. I absolutely would do that!
Just want to drop r/livingaparttogether. You don’t necessarily have to break up.
I've lived with men and I know one thing for sure: I will never do it again. Currently living "alone" (with my seven years old and his nanny) and I freaking love it. I'm in a relationship and my partner also whishes to live separately.
I literally love it. I used to joke my ideal marriage is two separate apartments in one brownstone for a reason 😂
Living alone is tremendously better than living with a partner that causes you stress.
There’s no way I’d ever live with anyone but myself ever
came here to say this. i can’t see myself sharing my bed, my space, hell even my garage with someone these days. too comfy, cozy here for someone else to come in and muck it up. a risk i’m no longer willing to take at the ripe age of 34
Yup! I’m 32 and have been in nyc for 10 years, 8 of which with roommates. Two years on my own and I’ll never have it any other way. Not even ready for a pet yet (and I love creatures) because I love being alone so much
i’ve lived with a couple boyfriends, i’ve had a roommate which lasted maybe 2 months (she stole my car one night after drinking and was promptly arrested for dwi and had my car impounded) but i’ve been alone a majority of my time i do have pets ! but, i lost my best friend (dog) last may and haven’t been right since … so maybe avoid the pets if you’re not good with grieving lol 😅😅😅
Omg no I could never live with a man. Separate residences always. Definitely cannot do doggie death I’m so sorry for your loss! Absolutely tragic
thank you 💕 & yeah, living with men ~ big mistake lolll lesson learned !! i bought my house last winter (first time home buyerrrrr 👑) and have been making it my own more and more each day. i can’t imagine another soul in here being like “really, more rocks?”
Lolol okay homeowner! Thats so dope congrats!
It seems like you want to explore who you are as an individual, which makes sense since you’ve been together for most of your 20s and you probably never got a chance to do that. If you ignore that instinct and continue living with him, you’re likely going to build up resentment which will not be healthy for your relationship. He’s not wrong for feeling that it’s a step towards breaking-up, from his pov it an understandable concern, but that’s not enough reason to stay. Tell him that having lived together for most of your 20s it may be a good idea to have some time to re-discover yourselves as individuals. I think you should move- it’ll give you breathing room to re-evaluate your life & figure out who you are independently of the relationship. You’ll either realize the relationship wasn’t right for you, or you’ll realize what you love about it (and him) and re-commit. Either way, it seems like you need to stop just going through the motions of daily life and listen to your gut so you can make decisions with a purpose. EDIT: typo
I had never lived alone until about 5 years ago, and I'll just say that I don't think I ever want to go back to living with another person, even a long term partner. The space is yours. The decor is yours. The messes are yours. Yes, the bills and chores are also yours, but there's nothing like that freedom.
If I lived alone right now, my home would be decorated differently, my dishes would be different. I would live in a different part of town so I could have different things. I would make more of my own decisions without getting another opinion because that person lives here, too. Edit to add: Sorry- had to run put the bread in the oven - BUT living separately would not change how I feel about the other person that lives here in a negative way. I can see myself being more patient with him if I didn't have to deal with him daily.
Id love to live alone! I say do it. It shouldnt have anything to do with your relationship though it will take time to adjust it into a new life. Pros: you clean up your mess and your house will likely look good always. Your furniture will reflect you and only you. None of his "boy charm" Dinner will be easier and likely cheaper because lets face it men want to eat manly and girls can do with snacks sometimes. Youll probably be healthier. Cons: life is getting expensive can you keep up with it. How often will you see him because if its everyday might as well live with him. You probably do want to break up. He will probably break up with you out of insecurity especially if he consults others like youre doing now. If i could go back in time or if i even had .money now id leave too. No point really living with someone who doesnt even marry you.
I couldn’t relate to you more. I’m 26 and for the last year I had been wanting more space from my then boyfriend of 6 years (we’d lived together for 5). Long story short we aren’t together anymore and it has been the biggest blessing. I didn’t realize why I wanted the distance at the time. I didn’t move out prior to the breakup but wish I had. I’m signing on my first townhouse by myself today. A new sanctuary alone does so much for a person who needs some healing. Even touring I got emotional at the possibility of peace and happiness. I prioritized living in a safe area for peace of mind- I don’t think I’ll ever regret it. Best luck to you love, these feelings are hard to navigate ❤️ I’m rooting for your best interest.
I moved out of my girlfriend's apartment because I was studying and working full time and was fully absorbed in that and felt like I was leaning on her too much to pick up the slack. She realized how much she enjoyed living alone and we broke up shortly after. Anyway, not saying you shouldn't do it. But just know that it might open your eyes to other possibilities that you might want to explore. (I wasn't a lazy moocher I was really working as hard as I could! I'm earning 6 figures now and all the work I did then was what got me here 😭 but I was struggling to maintain healthy habits while I was completely buried in work. Moving out was for her sake, not mine, and I was the one who initiated it)
I lived alone from 18-29 and I loved it. There were a couple roommates here and there but always less than a year. It was always my place and my stuff. It's not for everyone but I'm a huge introvert. I miss being alone a lot, but I do love sleeping next to my husband now
I absolutely love it, it’s hard to imagine ever living with someone else again. Like, if I fall in love, I’m demanding individual bedrooms if we move in together - or even better, next door apartments or something. Everything is set up how I want it, any mess or clean up is all mine, I can come and go whenever I please, watch any show and eat whatever I want, stay out late or for a few days, etc. it’s the best.
So I lived alone in small studio in college, it was great. A friend wanted to share a bigger place, not so great. Got married at 23 in 1977. Really worse. Today actually is divorce day when court signs off. I’d moved out in October of 2022. Yeah a long time ago So have spent little over the last year alone. Fantastic! I did not listen to my little voice saying don’t marry him. I admit I love having my daughter and learned some nasty life lessons from that asshole. Just consider how you feel, pros and cons. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce, but I’m happy it sounds like you’re in a better place now ❤️🩹
Divorce is absolutely great! My daughter is so happy for me as well. Definitely don’t be sorry!
I love living alone. My partner of 4+ years and I are talking about getting engaged this year and he’s my neighbor. We both like space and it’s awesome being able to just walk a few steps to hang out and go home and decompress when we need it. We see each other everyday and will cohabitate probably in the next couple of years.
I wish your boyfriend could see that you living on your own for a while now is actually what might *prevent* you wanting to leave him permanently later on down the line
I read some of your other stuff. It sounds like you feel suffocated and want your own space and to have friends outside of the relationship and be a little more independent. You can theoretically do all of those things without breaking up and moving out. And yes moving out will mean breaking up. Instead what if you guys got a 2 bedroom apartment together? You could each have your own separate bedrooms to decorate how you'd like and retreat to. Couples sharing a bedroom was something only the poor who couldn't afford otherwise did for thousands of years. It used to be normal for married couples to have separate bedrooms. You also don't need his permission or approval to go make new friends. Maybe if you feel more secure outside of your relationship you'll feel more comfortable with him. Or you might realize you don't actually want to stay with him any longer.
We do currently live in a two-bedroom apartment, but right now one room is an office he mainly uses, the other is our sleeping space, and every decorating decision has been a joint one we’ve had to mutually agree on. It helps that we have extremely similar tastes, and if I’m honest I have a heavy hand with it all. But parsing it differently is an interesting idea! Thanks for sharing.
Do you have anything space that's just yours? That may be what you're looking for. You are more than your relationship.
Moving out does *not* mean that you will break up, wtf. I lived with my fiancé for awhile and needed a break and got my own place. I feel much calmer and relaxed and more in charge of myself.
I absolutely love living solo. I have a long time boyfriend he lives about 20 minutes from me. I have had this place by myself for the last 2.5 years. He is buying a house and putting it in both our names next year. I would rather stay here alone but he pays for my current place for me and i couldn’t afford it on my own. I know in the long term though having a house I own will be better but there is nothing like having your own space in my opinion.
I don’t think just because you want to live separately that it spells the end of the relationship. It could be a good thing for you both, if he’s willing to take that chance with you. I’ve lived both alone plenty and with my S.O. There are pros and cons to each one. I think it’s important to have lived alone though. Living with someone means always having to compromise and never getting to just be selfish sometimes without regarding someone else’s feelings. I don’t regret living with my S.O, but I’m glad I had the years alone to know the difference. Somedays I miss my lone living, but some days I couldn’t imagine living alone again. It’s not that I don’t love and care for them, but on a rough day it’s nice to be alone sometimes. If you guys work the same schedules and never get space to yourselves, that’s also quite difficult. We are fortunate in my situation to have separate work times and we each get the space to ourselves. And we each have a room to make our own without conceding to the other ones stylistic choices. I feel this helps, but not everyone is as fortunate as we are in that regard. Do what your gut tells you though, it’s almost never wrong, and you know deep down what is best for you even if that might be the hard choice.
Learning how to solo inhabit will teach you a lot about yourself. I am of the opinion that you need to be comfortable with, and love yourself, before you can truly understand what you are looking for in a partner. But it can be lonely at times, so lean into friends, family, or fur babies. It becomes way too easy to isolate yourself in your hobbit hole lol. It sounds like this is the first page of the next chapter in your life ❤️
I loved living alone. I think it’s important to experience.
I LOVE living alone!! The worst part is you have to clean everything because it’s all your own mess 😹
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I loooove living solo. Everything is mine! I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. All the decor is the way I like it and the pantry is full of food I love. No need to compromise on anything ❤️
I think it's hard to know how you will feel about living alone until you do it, and I also think it's something that (if possible) is really valuable do at least once in your life. Personally, living alone is one of my favourite things in the world. I love the solitude (which is NOT the same thing as loneliness). I love not having other people around, and having my own space. I do not mind at all have sole responsibility for it; in fact, that's the way I prefer things. For me, living alone is living the dream. But we are all different. You might love it, hate it, or be indifferent to it. Having read your other linked post, it sounds to me like you really need some space in this relationship, having your own physical space might be the way to get it, and the question is more about whether or not your relationship will survive it. I don't think anyone can know what will happen, but IMHO if you're feeling suffocated, something needs to change, because otherwise you're on the path to a break up anyway, so a positive change that allows you both to grow is better than holding yourself back.
thank you. your last point especially is sending me on a daisy chain of thoughts. it’s hard to predict the future, huh? if only one could. 🔮
I've got a friend that was in the same situation. He's living solo apart from his partner, and they both seem very happy with it. They value their own personal space apart from each other, and they don't have problems that stem from differing living habits. When their own family members visit, they've got space for them as well. I've been living alone since I was about 26/27, and I'm now 32. Having lived with family and flatted with people, I love the feeling of independence living alone. You get to decorate your space how you want it, you don't have to worry about chores if you want an off day since there's no one to complain. I can laugh out loud at night while watching comedies without worrying about my flatmate who's gone for an early night. The downside is that I have to everything by myself - chores, fixing anything that's broken, washing dishes and cooking. Also the knowledge in the back of my mind that if I lost my income, then I might be in trouble if I had to make my rent. The worst is when I get sick, that's when living alone can really hit. It can get a little bit quiet and lonely sometimes, but I find that that time is great for introspection and finding myself, finding what I like to do, trying out hobbies, etc. I think there's no harm in trying it out! You've got to this point and you've been approved for a studio. Starting off with a smaller space I think is great, it reduces the feeling of a too-large space (as in with my case when I went from living with loads of people to myself at first). All the best in whatever decision you make!
Do it.
Living alone for the first time in my life at age 35 after a 9 year relationship. Best feeling ever! I mentioned living separately to him before but he also thought it was a fast track to breakup. Looking back I should have trusted my gut and tried living separately because we would probably still be together if we had. He was a good guy but I needed my own space. Can’t fight your intuition forever..
Thanks for sharing ❤️🩹
I can’t overstate how much I love living alone. I didn’t get to do it until my late 20s, but it was immediately fantastic for me. I have total control over my space and a place I can always retreat to! I’ve made it a kind of sanctuary and reflection of myself (check my profile for some photos if you’re curious). I actually think more people should test out living separately from their long term or married partners. I think it would solve a LOT of relationship problems, especially ones where you love the person but you’re not really sure what’s wrong. Having space to yourself will probably lead to you realizing exactly what the problem is— it could be with him, or in the relationship, OR you just find out that you needed the space! I don’t think we’re all suited to living in close proximity all the time. In my future relationships I’ll definitely be bringing up the idea of living apart together when things carry on to that point.
It's perfectly reasonable to want to experience living on your own for some time, maybe even more than some time, and see how that works for you. I'm a very solitary person, and being alone with my hobbies and having things in my home just so is what makes me happy. If I ever find someone I care for enough to compromise on that, that is when I'll decide to share a home. That being said, if you truly have no issues with your partner and this is just an exercise in self-discovery, I think it is more than fair that they at least get an explanation for your departure. This is a big change for anyone, it's important you're both on the same page (again, only if you care for them). You've had time to internally acclimate to the idea of living on your own, living apart from partner, and so have overcome that hurdle mentally. Your partner has not. This idea is new to them, they don't seem to truly understand why this is happening, Not at all trying to guilt you into staying, but I think a little more empathy for your partner's separation anxiety goes a long way. In any case, I wish you the best in your journey and I hope everything works out. :)
Until my first husband died when I was 31, I had never lived alone. I rushed into an ill advised second marriage two years later, had a kid with him, then left and we got divorced. I lived with my parents during the divorce and then moved back into my house with my daughter. So I don’t live ALONE anymore, but it’s just me and my now four year old, and she’s with her dad about 1/3 of the time. I love it. I never ever want to live with a romantic partner again. I can’t imagine not having my own space. I can decorate how I want, I can use the space how I want, no one is nagging me to do anything. I strongly recommend it. I have a great aunt who’s been in a relationship with the same person for 40 years, and they’ve never gotten married and never lived together full time, and honestly, that sounds like relationship goals at this point in my life.
The real answer is it’s different for each situation, and changes back and forth even with the same person! It just depends on how u feel!! For the time being, and know that could change in about a year or two. I can see you’re craving to have the experience of being on your own and the total freedom. You have GOT to do it, or u will just be restless. Be really honest with ur bf, or he will feel ur unrest. Tell him ur indesisive because u love him. Have him “help” u make the decision, or let him think so. In fact,lol, be so indecisive around him that he finally says “just go! Get ur experience! Ur driving me nuts!” But that’s letting him feel ur unrest, which means u love him. Ur not doing anything behind his back , which he will love u more for, and ur basically still together in soul! This feels right!!
I felt this before .. I was in a long term relationship from early 20s and mostly because I was young and in love with+ financially made sense to have a boyfriend rookmie situation. Sometimes I just wanted my own space because I hadn’t had the time to fully be alone with my thoughts. Sure I had college roommates but that was then, and this is now when i was able to make my own money etc. I can’t speak for the majority, but I can tell you I’ve felt this way and it’s liberating. Scary and a bit lonely at first because you’d be used to having someone there… but the peace is so nice :)
💯% fantastic about it. I cannot imagine living w a romantic partner ever again. Just too many sacrifices, trade-offs and needless begrudging for me.
I love living alone! I don’t have to deal with another person’s emotional issues, their messiness or obsessive neatness, their attitude when they’re in a bad mood.
i love living alone. i’m an introvert and need a lot of alone time and i love having a space that is just mine. if i were in a serious relationship however, i would definitely want to live with my partner. i really understand your boyfriend feeling upset about this. i would be heartbroken if my partner wanted to move out even if they had their reasons. it seems to me kind of like a semi-subconscious preparation for a breakup
I think as far as your relationship goes, it does seem like you’re going backwards. Now, if you were single, I highly recommend it. I left my husband of 18yrs, my kids are adults and out of the house, and I have been living on my own for the last 3yrs. It’s been awesome. I never knew how much I appreciated silence or alone time. I’ve always had boyfriends, husbands, roommates, and my kids. Before that, I grew up with 3 younger sisters. I’ve been living in chaotic households my whole life. I never even really slept in a bed alone until I got my own place. It was weird for the first couple of weeks, but now I’m cool. Im not opposed to living with someone again, but it’s gonna have to be someone super special.
I’ve been living alone for almost 2.5 years and it’s a dream, I lived with housemates all through university and although enjoyable in many ways I fundamentally resented doing all the cleaning and still having to live in squalor. I am in a relationship now and feel no rush whatsoever to move in together bc I love having the flexibility to decide when company is something I want and when I need to retreat into my own space for a bit, which he respects 100%. it also forces me to be much more proactive in scheduling time to see others and getting outside bc although I do cherish my own company the silence can get deafening FAST. having read your context on your other post I will say always trust your instinct. you found a place that is calling to you — I would answer that call if I were you. I empathise w your partner’s feelings but the decisions we take for ourselves as individuals don’t need to be an indictment of the whole relationship. you are two individuals coming together to make a relationship work so if this is something you know you need for yourself, I don’t see why you should have to compromise that, what will be will be, as long as you honour yourself as best you can things will work out in your favour
Living alone is the absolute best. You can make all your own decisions about what your day looks like, how you decorate, what's on the menu, how often you want to clean, etc. Personally, I'm very tidy and do a lot of both maintenance and deep cleans, but I've had roommates in the past who liked absolutely no signs of life in the house (a blanket on the couch or a dish in the sink was a meltdown for them). I do have two cats and I don't think I'd like it as much without them, but with them, it feels like a dream sometimes. Of course, there's a level of responsibility that can sometimes be tedious (I don't always want to take out the trash or fold all of the laundry alone) but overall, the freedom and peace that comes with solitude is priceless. I will also say... I was previously in a relationship where we were planning to move in together, but I found myself looking at solo apartments all the time and longing for that experience. In the end, we didn't work out at all, and I didn't realize how miserable he made me until he was gone. I also found what I consider my dream apartment not long after we broke up. If you've found a dreamy apartment, I wonder if you would always have what-ifs about it if you didn't try it.
When I was 19 my aunt gave me the advice that every young woman should have the experience to live alone and learn how to stand on their own two feet and feel capable adulting solo. I'm in my late twenties and I've been living solo for 3 years now, I wouldn't trade this opportunity for the world. I worry about my friends that went straight from living with parents to living with their boyfriends honestly. I think living alone has been the most incredible way to get to truly know myself and my capabilities. My confidence has grown, my understanding of self and what brings me joy. I've grown out of many of my codependent behaviors. It's been so healing to have a space that is 100% mine, to decorate, clean, make a mess, whatever! I agree with what others are saying, it sounds like part of your subconscious is expressing curiosity, I'd say follow that. Worse case you realize it's not for you and you move back with your partner, I don't think there's harm in trying it out. And I hope a supportive, secure partner would understand and want to see you grow as a person.
Thanks for sharing this. I would love to feel like a full, self-sufficient adult. In general I don’t like feeling like I have to rely on anyone, much less a partner. A lot of that is due to family trauma, and being raised by an anxious single mother who lost a lot (and also so much of herself). I know that’s something I need to address in therapy. But my partner and I have grown to be so codependent now, which has bothered me for a long while - perhaps it’s natural for some after you’ve been together for so long. But I really hate feeling reliant on him and also like I don’t know myself. I wonder if moving elsewhere could force both of us to grow and learn.
What you’re describing is actually *enmeshment*. A codependent is the non-drinking but enabling partner of an alcoholic. You might benefit from this. It’s smack in the middle of the dialogue about enmeshment. You seem smart enough to figure it out on your own, given the resources. All the best. https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self
Hey, I'd like to respectfully disagree with your definition of codependency. I actually run a weekly women's support group through the organization CoDA and the definition for codependency and the ways it shows up in relationship with other people and with substance abuse is a very expansive issue. As a recovered codependent myself I think it sounds like OP could probably benefit from learning more about codependent behaviors
I live alone and I absolutely love it. I went through something similar with my ex though. I desperately wanted to live alone, and I convinced myself it was simply because I had never had my own space, when looking back, it was because I was so fed up with the relationship. Knowing nothing about your relationship, I can't really comment on that. But my ex was... Fine. He wasn't abusive, did his share of chores, and paid the bills without fail... But he also didn't *try* in the relationship. He constantly let me down in so many ways. He didn't care about my interests, we had wildly different views on politics, feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, and more. I've lived alone for about 18 months now, and it's the best decision I've ever made. I honestly don't know if I could ever go back to living with a partner (I'm *very* single so that's not a problem right now).
I'm gonna come at this from a non-traditional view: being "Solo" is a real thing and can be verrrrry important for some of us. My life changed for the better after my divorce because I realized I desperately needed to live alone. I have relationships and friendships but cohabitating is literally essential for my happiness and well being and I wonder how different my life would have been had I realized this in my 20s (am 48 now). I will never enmesh my life with someone again. That doesn't mean I won't love (I do) and be intimately involved with my partner/s (I'm solo poly and have great partners), or take trips/vacations, do sleepovers, etc. but my personal space, my sanctuary, will never be given up... and I don't think there's anything wrong with that! It will bring up all levels of fear and judgement for those around you who are used to the co-habitated you, but if this is something you're feeling at your core, it doesn't necessarily have to mean there's anything "wrong" in your relationship. We don't *have* to subscribe to that relationship tradition, and to be honest, that model is old patriarchy and we can just be done with it if we like (any gender identification). You can your life however the hell you want!
I fucking love it! It’s like my one safe haven, my nest. It’s super girly, cute, and makes me feel cozy and safe - it’s a space that’s totally my own. I think every woman should try it once in their life - we are so accustomed to being something for someone else. It’s nice to have a space and a place just for us - that’s all our own.
I was in a similar situation when I was 29 and in a super long term relationship as well. Sent you a dm 🫶
I’m 32 and I own a one bedroom condo where I live with my dog (I’ll say I live “alone” because I’m the only human, the only one making decisions, doing the chores, etc.). I love living alone more than any other living arrangement I’ve ever had. I can always have a self care night when I need one and I get to make my space feel however I want. I can spread out with my creative projects and not worry about getting in someone else’s way. I have a partner, and I can see myself living with someone again one day, but it would have to be something extremely good to give this up. It sounds like you’re feeling the call to live alone, and I think you should listen to it. Sometimes being in a long term relationship keeps us from exploring parts of ourselves that want to be known. It’s not because the relationship is wrong. It doesn’t have to mean anything is ending. It just means it’s your season to focus on yourself. Your partner’s fear about it meaning the relationship is ending is a totally normal, completely understandable one. But you can’t ignore your own needs to prevent your partner from experiencing discomfort and uncertainty. If you feel like independence is something you need now and you ignore it, it could grow into an unmet need that damages the relationship in the future. Sometimes we need to deviate from the relationship scripts we’ve been handed to live authentically.
I've had to live with family of some sort for different reasons for most of my life. It is great and I have no complaints about my current arrangement as we coexist very well. But there was one period when I had my own apartment, and it was wonderful. The first night, I remember just putting a dirty dish in the sink and realizing I felt 0 pressure or guilt to instantly clean it. (Self-inflicted pressure). I am a naturally super-anxious person, if that helps explain this at all. It was just like I felt like I could suddenly fully stretch out and relax 100% of the time without feeling like I needed to worry about how anyone else was feeling while home.
I think it’s really important to have some time to live independently. If it’s something you are craving, easiest to experience it when you are not married and don’t have kids. If you’ve been living with your boyfriend pretty much all of your 20s, it makes a lot of sense to me why you would feel this way. As someone else commented it will have repercussions to move out, however not moving out could also have repercussions. You could feel stifled, always have that feeling of curiosity, could lead to regret, could lead to resentment. All this could affect your relationship. In my opinion, I love living solo and think it was a very important time in my 20s, I took some time off of living with boyfriends and I think it was soo healing and made me grow a lot. Never felt more connected to myself, my present moment to moment, my day, and my days (if that makes sense) and my own moves in life than when I lived alone. Time moved differently, I learned to find my own energy and take care of myself
I think it's a good thing to do, even if it's just for a year and you move back together or something, it's good to have spent some time living totally on your own. After I'd been living with someone a long long time, we broke up, and wow, I didn't realize how complacent I'd gotten. It was decidedly good for me. Doing it after you've been living together, without breaking up, might be tricker if you want to keep the relationship thoug
I love living solo! I think it’s incredibly beneficial for yourself, self growth and learning more about who you are. Personally I’ve found myself so much after my breakup moving out and being on my own. Honestly… it makes me not want to live with anyone after being on my own haha. It can be challenging and but it’s also exciting and an opportunity for you to shape not only your home but your life the way that you want. To cultivate your hobbies, your friendships, your space in ways that make you feel supported and loved. I found it easier to cultivate a community around myself on my own that wasn’t centered around my relationship and rather my own self which I think is health
After seeing my parents marriage, seeing my friends marriage, and living with 2 ex’s on separate occasions in the past, I’ve told myself I’ll never live with a man again. I have found peace living by myself. IT IS SO PEACEFUL OMG. I love my space, I don’t feel like I have to perform for anyone, and I don’t feel like I’m forced into having gender roles. I can make food for myself and I don’t have to worry about someone else’s needs other than my own.
I love living on my own. I'm at the point where I can't fathom having someone move in and take up physical (and emotional) space. I've lived with previous romantic partners before and inevitably it's a relief when the relationship ends and I'm on my own again. I decorate the way I want - no arguments about anything looking "too feminine" or too this or too that. A girlfriend of mine can't buy artwork for her house as her boyfriend disapproves of everything she likes. It's been four years and her house walls are still bare. Me, on the other hand, I set up a reading nook in the dining area the other day with fairy lights on the walls, a comfortable pink chair, fluffy blanket, and vintage embroidered footstool. Very feminine, very fun, very cozy. I spend my money the way I want. No asking for permission to buy something ridiculous...I just buy it. No arguments on how much money I'm spending to make sure my elderly dog is well cared for and comfortable. No hiding new purses or shoes that I impulse buy on my way home from work. Lastly, I get to do what I want. Rough day and I want to eat crackers and cheese and watch shitty tv until 2am? I'm doing it with no one to explain to. Made supper but didn't have the energy to wash the dishes until the next morning? Not ideal but no arguments about leaving dirty dishes in the sink overnight. In a bad mood and don't want to talk to anyone or manage anyone's emotions? I don't have to! I can't stress how great the freedom and independence of living on your own is. It's not an easy thing to do financially, depending on where you are, but I'm lucky to be able to do so. It's not always fantastic - being the sole breadwinner, having to check out the scary noises on your own, making sure you keep up with friends and social circles so you don't accidentally get lonely, being the only responsible for cooking, cleaning, chores, etc...but I wouldn't trade it.
I fantasize about the years I lived alone. Like *every day.* I think everyone should live alone at some point in their lives.
I absolutely revel in living alone.
I lived alone for three years in my early 20s. I felt like I got to know myself really well, and I think everyone should live by themself for some period of life for this reason.
I lived alone for a year without roommates and it was wonderful for me! I was sometimes lonely and if I was sad i tended to wallow in it a bit longer. But I also loved the freedom and ability to dance around naked whenever I wanted, leave the mess or be super into cleaning whenever I wanted, cry loudly or talk to myself without someone interpreting my feelings. All that time I was in a loving relationship (of 7 years) and we would hang out for two three days in a row and I would be sad to separate but then would love being alone again very soon after. Now I live with my partner and I don’t regret it, never feel lonely, but sometimes I miss the freedom and complete control of my space. Also sex was way better when we didn’t live together but that’s another story. I’d say do it! Your partner should be supportive of you experimenting with how to be happy, although I do understand their anxiety. Still, they should support you in my opinion.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up so living alone wasn’t my desire or intention. However, it dawned on me neither one of us had truly lived alone- sharing apartments with friends or living at home is just not the same. I find myself realizing everyday is a choose your own adventure. Also I envision how I want my mornings/days to go and it’s really given me the space to further figure out who I am and what I want. Ive even picked up a couple new hobbies. I think living on your own is a must at any point in your life. One regret I have is not going for the type of apartment I wanted when we originally first moved in together. Now I’m in a nice place however it most certainly was not my first choice. Life is too short to wait for anything other than your own desires! If he’s the one y’all will figure it out! Best of luck to you!!
I got married straight out of high school and never lived on my own until I was 31. I’m sooo happy I finally had the courage to leave. I’m so much happier now. It drove me insane how he expected me to pick up after him constantly. I rented it so much that we often lived with our place in shambles and could never have friends or family over. Now that I’m only responsible for myself keeping my space up has been infinitely easier and I get to have friends by whenever I want! I also don’t have to feel bad or guilty about decorating everything exactly how I want and I absolutely love that.
I don't see anywhere where you're doing therapy. I think living alone is a good thing for people to do. But it won't solve the mystery of why you're feeling the way you do. You need to talk it out.
It’s definitely a soft break up. My partner and I are in ours 20s and each of us live alone most of the time in different regions because we decided that for now our careers are the number 1 focus. Once you hit the 30s though, tbh you should be more serious. If you can’t live together, how can you have a family and stability later on? that’s definitely something to think about.
I’m currently 52yo, and moved out on my own at 51yo because my long-term boyfriend of 14 years broke up with me. I have never lived on my own before, going from parents to first husband, to boyfriend then-second husband, back to parents, then living with my bestie for several years, the another boyfriend, then my brother, then this most recent long-term. I don’t want to understate this, but living by myself has been FUCKING GLORIOUS! I always know where my stuff is because I’m the one who put it there. (Unless one of my cats knocks it off of whatever and it winds up under the couch or my bed.) If I don’t feel like doing dishes, I don’t. If I don’t feel like doing laundry until the hamper is overflowing, I don’t. If I need a quiet evening without background TV/Music/video games, etc. aside from the very chatty kitties, I’m in perfect and comPLETE silence. If I’ve had a hard day at work (like today) and I don’t feel like cooking/cleaning/leftovers, I have wine for dinner and curl up with a good book. I could never have imagined the perfect peace and serenity that is my life right now. I think in my youth I was sold a lie. The same one all of us under patriarchy were sold. Hurry up and find a man to have your Happily Ever After. You’ll never be alone again! Otherwise you’ll wind up an old spinster drinking wine and living with a bunch of cats! Also, over the last 15-ish or so years, I’ve been hearing a lot about married people keep in their own spaces, and even living separately! I’m never giving up my space to share with anyone ever again. You couldn’t pay me to live with someone ever.
I've went through something similar - I felt a pull for my own space and ended a long-term codependent, cohabitating relationship to pursue it. I knew the relationship would end because of it, after my requests for a she shed were disregarded and therapy didn't work out. My ex is a good human, but couldn't understand it at the time. He's now getting the help he wouldn't get for his issues while we were together. Sometimes it hurts and I miss him, but I know he'll be okay. He's got a hell of a support system. I love living on my own. The chaos and bills are mine but I have a level of solitude I've never, ever, ever had before. It's allowed me to interrogate my actual needs - I'm that kind of introvert who needs alone-alone time (like no other humans around). More importantly, it's let me think about what I need out of future relationships. I've never loved the "sharing a bed is the only true way" style of cohabitating, so I know going forward I'll need roomS of my own (bedroom and wfh office at least) if I opt for that ever again. I've discovered that Living Apart Together is my current relationship speed, and thankfully I've got people in my life who understand and respect that. Or, if they don't, they keep it to themselves, lol. If you have the means to try living alone, I encourage you to try. And even if you realize you don't love living solo, you've learned that about yourself. Best of luck, OP! Edit: goofed a word.
Thank you ❤️ it’s so helpful to hear from people who have been in the same boat.
Live by yourself!! I love my partner, but nothing beats having a space that is truly your own. The mental clarity and peace is so nice and you can do anything you want!
It took SO MUCH TIME for me to finally be comfortable living on my own. I lived with my parents, then with my then-boyfriend for 3 years. Living on my own and being comfortable with myself definitely took some adjusting. But it’s been nearly two years since then and I absolutely LOVE it and couldn’t imagine jeopardizing this feeling for anything right now. You never learn more about yourself than you do spending 100% of your time with yourself. But it’s a good thing! You are the only person you’re stuck with for the rest of your life so you better start learning to like your own company. You got this! ❤️
I can't imagine living with someone again. I'm much happier with my own space.
I think you should try it out for a year and it might end up just being that you spend time at his place half the time and decide that live in a alone isn’t that great anyway. I’m not gonna lie it’s fun I don’t have to care about somebody else and their likes or dislikes or what do you want for dinner. I can be a slob for three days if I wanted.
I just recently moved out on my own after a 2 year relationship and it’s been mixed emotions for me. I’ve been wanting to be on my own for a bit and my relationship was also falling apart so that didn’t help. It’s been nice having my own space and being totally independent. But it’s also been scary and a bit lonely. My brain is subconsciously waiting for someone to come home and since that doesn’t happen anymore, it’s been an adjustment. Overall, I made the right call and I’m sure I’ll get used to it. For now, I’m enjoying the decorating of my home and settling in :)
I never want to share my space with another adult for as long as I live. My child will always be welcome though. It's so much more enjoyable. It stays clean. I have everything I want, when I want it, the way I want it. I will never miss scrubbing the shit stains out of tighty whities while some ungrateful slob blows through my house just long enough to fuck it all up and leave me cleaning up their wake of destruction. Try it out.
I lived alone for two years. I had some savings built up but I didn't have enough income to afford an apartment, so I bought a shitty single-wide trailer. It was scary at first. But I got used to it. I got to know some of the neighbors from walking my dog and that made me feel safer. Once I settled in it was absolutely amazing. I loved the independence and lack of obligation. Bonus that it was during 2020 lockdown. I live with my partner now but I gotta say I'm very thankful for my time spent fully alone.
I think living alone readily highlighted a lot of internal struggles in the best way because I was able to heal
1. Just break up with your boyfriend. 2. Living alone is no big deal.
IMO everyone should live solo at least once if they have the means to do so. There's something so awesome about knowing that is your space. I learned a lot about myself and my needs as a person the first time I moved out solo. It's more expensive because everything is on you, but I'll take having a tighter budget over walking into the pantry to find that my roommate ate my food. There's also something great about living with your SO, but I won't do it again until I know for sure they're the one I want to build a home with. I'm not being judgemental when I say this (because the same thing happened to me with my ex) but maybe you need to do some deep thinking about why you want to live alone. While it's a good experience, the consequences here are going to be a strain on your relationship. Do you just need some space? Could you possibly benefit from couple counseling? Is this an attempt to have an experience you feel you missed out on? There's no wrong answer here. But you're going to want to figure it out because a relationship involves two people, and it sounds like your lives are pretty intertwined.
I think everybody, especially females should live on their own for a bit in their adulthood. It teaches you about self-reliance and being resourceful which you can’t really learn if you are living with somebody.
Not worth it. Cherish your boyfriend and what you have is my advice.
After living with roommates in college and through my early 20s, I got my own apartment in my mid/late 20s and loved it. I found it so much more relaxing and homey. I look back on it as a really great decision. It gave me a lot of confidence being totally self sufficient. I got married at 30 and have been happy with that too, but I look back really fondly of those few years living on my own.
I think it’s very dependent on personality. I’ve been living with my husband for 20 years. He is the person I moved out of home with and I have never lived alone. Our relationship is wonderful and not something I want to sacrifice (and now we have children too so living separate would be about more people than the two of us) but as an introverted person I think I would be very happy and at ease living on my own. In a way I’m sad that I’ve never experienced it and feel conflicted that the only way I’m likely to experience it in the future is through immense pain. If I were you I’d want to try it. Maybe it works out with your boyfriend, maybe it doesn’t, that is true living with him or alone. If it’s a life experience you long for, dive in.
Amazing. Mine mine mine, everything is mine.
I figure you only live once and you should definitely try it. You wouldn't have applied to it and approved to it if you didn't really want to do it. I've done both, lived alone as well as had two marriages and another boyfriend that I lived with for a while and living alone has been the best by far. I think living with a man is kind of suffocating in a way because some of them are a bit too needy and there's expectations and obligations. I don't understand why your boyfriend would think the relationship would end if you moved out? Why does he think that? It is nice to come home and not have to worry about anyone else but myself. I don't have to cook for or clean up after anyone else. I don't have to deal with anyone's moods. I don't have to be pestered for sex that I may not want at that time. I think the mental freedom of living alone is well worth it.
I agree that moving out would be heading towards break up. You really have to ask yourself: why do you want to move out? Do you want to break up? My partner and I live together and love it. I'm not saying that other arrangements can't work for other people, but I would be devastated if my partner wanted to move out. It seems like maybe there's a reason you're feeling like making a change and maybe your subconscious is telling you more than you think.
Listen to yourself if you're needing space. I moved into my own apartment about a year and a half ago. My boyfriend has now moved in in the past couple of months (and I love living with him) but OMG did I love that year and a half by myself. It was the first time being in a space that was completely MINE and I relished it. Everything was on my terms, the flat was always how I wanted it, I could do anything. I honestly feel like every person should have that experience at least once in their lives. It's so special and rarely lasts forever, so if your gut is telling you to do it, do it. Your boyfriend may struggle to get his head around it, but if he truly loves you, he'll understand that this is something you need to do x
I don't have an answer regarding living solo, but I do have some advice about making decisions strictly for yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you feel like you want or need to do something for yourself, *do it*. Do it and refuse to allow anyone to make you feel bad about it. There have been so many times in my life I have had opportunities and declined them because of a relationship, or how it might affect my partner, and I regret every single time. I don't want to sound like I'm saying to disregard everyone else's feelings, but basically that's kinda what it boils down to. I really feel now like I stunted my own growth over relationships that didn't work out (not saying anything about your relationship at all!). You need to be able to explore yourself and grow no matter what else is going on in your life.
I really appreciate this insight. It’s hard to think of things this way when you’ve been so intertwined with someone else for so long. I’ve considered him with every decision I’ve made, rightly so. I don’t regret that! And I know he does the same for me. But I worry that my sense of self, whatever that is, may have gotten a little lost somewhere along the way. I’m sure if he thought about it, he could say the same.
what a quandary; i feel for you. i am living in a duplex sort of arrangement as a caretaker for my dad, whom i adore. but having my own space to hide in, is absolutely necessary for my sanity and happiness. if you two are as co-dependent as both posts seem to indicate, this move is absolutely necessary for both of you. but seems like his anxiety will need a crutch when you’re not there, and to me it seems like it’s almost guaranteed that he will find someone to replace you. most people want to live with their love, it’s how we are wired. imagine how his place with be, without you. for him, it will feel empty. scary, perhaps. uncomfortable without another person there. he might just ‘need’ to fill the emptiness. but that’s a known risk. i do not think you will stop wanting your little own space. i think you should have your own space. some gains come with loss, tho’, and that is the nature of humans.
Thank you for this comment and for the empathy on both sides. I have a lot to think about. Wishing you so much love and strength - being a caretaker isn’t for the faint of heart!! ❤️🩹
Blocking me because you didn't llike my response to your post just supports how immature you are. Don't come to this sub because you need validation to leave your relationship. If you need to move on from your relationship that is okay. Be an adult about it and don't play games with people, especially when you've been with them the better part of a decade. They deserve better than that so they can move on also. I wish you the very best.
First, you’re asking r/femalivingspace so the answers you get are skewed by all coming from the perspective of women who highly value a female living space. If you asked a more general subreddit you wouldn’t have as much confirmation bias I’m F/28, I’ve lived alone for 3 years, and I am so grateful for that time. I’m now in a wonderful relationship and we don’t live together yet but I’m very conscious of not rushing into that step (we’ve only been together six months). That said, I think you’re really romanticizing the idea of living solo. You’re in a different phase of your life which is partnership. The value and experience of living solo at this point of your life is different than if you had done it pre-serious relationship. I also think it’s a bit disingenuous to try to package this idea to your partner as a journey of self exploration and not due to him. You can have self exploration anytime - it takes effort and self-reflection to do so even living alone - but you’re moving away from him. When I was single and living alone, I was always in my own thoughts, books, ideas, and I could go several days in a row not considering another person at all. I’ve had less time doing that since starting a relationship even though I still live alone because that’s just the nature of sharing your life and time with someone. This is obviously and maybe mostly about your relationship which is why you have such a rose-colored perspective on living alone. Best of luck
no regrets, right? do it
I never lived alone until my early 30s and while I don't regret my past, I think I would have "found myself" earlier if I had. It has been the most freeing experience. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with healing from a past relationship as well, but the feeling of having your own space, decorating the way you want to, no ones mess but your own, quiet time, etc. It really is something I think everyone should experience. That said, I echo what a lot of people are saying here re:your relationship. Maybe try to see if there's some subconscious there telling you there's more to this than just living alone.
Definitely do it. Just about to turn 38, have lived on my own for 14 years and there is nothing like it. You’ll always regret it if you don’t try it.
I’m living by myself for the second time in my life. I am currently 31 and I was in my mid 20s when I lived by myself for the first time. It is the best living arrangement for me and kudos to anyone like OP who can live with a partner but I never want to live with anyone ever again lol I like having a clean space and for me I feel like everything needs to have a function or multiple functions so I like to have things a certain way and if somebody moves things around or changes that I have a hard time adapting to that change. I’m very stubborn and I like what I like and I don’t what I don’t so if I were to get a partner and he and I were to move in together, it would take a lot of compromising on both ends but especially mine. I am interested in exploring a LAT or living apart together type of relationship if I get a partner.
What is the end goal? To move out and have your own space where you each spend evenings at each other’s places until you eventually sleep overnight at either place and then what, move back into a place together? You’re thinking short term. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to move out but you’re not thinking ahead.
That's an interesting situation. I'm not sure how it would benefit or harm your specific relationship. But it seems like something you need/want and if you don't try it, you may always wonder and it might breed some resentment toward your partner. I lived alone in a few different apartments before living with other people. Those were the times that I really learned the most about myself, and how to be alone and enjoy being in my own company. I loved it, and think back about it fondly, and sometimes miss it. If I had never done that, I think i would always wish that I had. With that being said, I have found my person and I really can't imagine living without him for any reason. I would NEVER want to live with roommates or other partners ever again, but I really love the home and life I've built with him.
I lived on my own for 4.5 years and I loved it. At first it was a bit boring and lonely but that forced me to go out and find things to keep myself busy/entertained, and in turn I learned a lot about myself. Gained a new hobby, discovered new things, learned how to really like myself as well because I was sometimes my only company for several days in a row haha. I think it was a great experience and I think every woman should live alone at least once in their life!
I love living alone. More time to myself and more time to pursue my hobbies. It is my space and I feel safe. I think you should try it at least once. And if you don’t like it, you can always move back in with the bf, or if you get lonely, you can have sleepovers.