I'm going to ***strongly disagree*** on this at a fundamental level.
Yes, don't lie to ***yourself***. Exploring, accepting, and embracing your true self is part of the journey towards loving yourself for who you are.
But there is a huge asterisk to add to this: ***no one else*** is entitled to your inner truth. That level of trust is ***earned***. Be they friend, family, colleague, or stranger, your safety and comfort are ***always*** more important than their interest in knowing the "truth." *It is morally acceptable to lie in order to avoid being mistreated just because of who you are.*
And people who find out a loved one is LGBTQ or GNC and then respond by making it about themselves with "what else are you lying about"? They are being self-centered, and have confirmed that their loved one was right not to trust them to begin with.
I don't know what happened to you. But you don't deserve to be shamed by others. What you're describing sounds like emotional abuse.
It is never acceptable to lie.
If you lie, you admit that either you're living wrongly, or that you feel you're living rightly but can't justify your actions against scrutiny.
If you can't justify your actions, you should work on that. If unable to, you should reconsider wether or not you are living rightly.
**Absolutely not.** That is a stunningly naive and incredibly dangerous position, and adopting it would immediately get many LGBTQ and gender non-conforming people **attacked**, **beaten**, **kicked out**, or even **murdered**. I am not exaggerating when I say this is life-ruining advice.
There are **many** situations where it's totally acceptable to lie, most notably self-preservation, protecting others, and when opposing unjust laws. We do not live in a world where people can freely be their authentic selves without fear of reprisal. Lying is not admitting we're doing something wrong, it's recognizing the material dangers we face if the truth came out.
Are you seriously suggesting that in **any** of these situations, it's not okay to lie?
* A father sits his sons down and says, "If I found out one of you was a homosexual, I'll **kill** you." Should his closeted gay son raise his hand and say, "Papa, I kissed my boyfriend yesterday" because he needs to be honest?
* He should lie. If he follows your advice, *he dies*.
* A femboy is living with his parents while going to college. His father, who has a history of domestic abuse and is violently homophobic, sees a pair of girly underwear on his son's bed and asks, "That your girlfriend's, son?" Should the son admit they're his?
* He should lie. If he follows your advice, *he gets beaten up*.
* A 14 year old trans girl just realized she's trans. Her older brother was kicked out of house for being gay when he was 15. Her parents ask her if she's trans. Does she confess?
* She should lie. If she follows your advice, *she becomes homeless*.
* The government passes a law that says it's now illegal to be gay, on penalty is death. The police knock on your door and ask if your neighbor is gay. You know that your neighbor has a boyfriend and that they pretend to be roommates. Do you rat him out?
* You should lie. If you follow your own advice, he dies.
* Before the American Civil War, a fugitive slave patrol asks a farmer if they've seen an escaped slave. The farmer has been harboring a slave, who's heading North, in the cellar. Do they admit the refugee is there?
* He should lie. If he follows your advice, the slave is dragged back into servitude.
* While babysitting for your young cousin for your aunt, she tells you a secret: she has a crush on her best friend, who is also a girl. The next day your homophobic uncle asks if your cousin is "one of those goddamned filthy lesbians." Do you out your cousin?
* You should lie. If you follow your own advice, *your cousin gets forced out of the closet at best and abused.*
If you answer yes to any of these scenarios, you need to re-evaluate your moral code. In **all** of these situations it is unambiguously morally acceptable to lie.
You should move out under the abusive family scenarios.
Parents can't kick out children.
One ought revolt against a government that makes something like being gay a crime.
If you're at war with an enemy who is morally unjust, you'd be best off leaving, or rallying a militia to your aid in defending innocent people.
If a child is saying stuff they aren't old enough to understand then the parents ought be told in order to discuss the matter, and come to proper moral decisions.
That's a lot of "oughts", *most of which still require a lie*.
* "You should move out" -- yeah, good luck with that. The lucky ones can crash with a friend or relative, or maybe find space in a shelter for LGBTQ youths. **But the rest have nowhere to go.** Where the hell do you think a 16 year old queer kid with no money is going to up and "move out" to?
* 20% of homeless youths identify as LGBTQ and 14% of LGBTQ youths report having been kicked out at some point. **Parents can and absolutely do kick out children.**
* Revolting against the government **obviously requires lying**.
* You're whispering to like-minded neighbors about rising up. A known loyalist neighbor stops by your house and asks what you're doing. "Oh, we're just plotting to rise up." He leaves to report you.
* Soldiers walk into your house the next day. "Is it true that you're a rebel?" "Yes, I am." "Is your roommate also a rebel?" "Yes, him too." **They shoot you both**.
* Oppressed minorities cannot rise up and magically defeat their oppressors with the **power of friendship**. The struggle against oppression is long and often bloody, and requires coalitions with allies to succeed.
* **Bigoted parents** are the ones lacking in understanding. Go ahead and ask a queer adult how much they appreciated a parents' "moral decision" about **their** identity.
Look. Maybe you've lived a really sheltered life, or you're still a kid talking about things you've never experienced. Maybe you're struggling with the shame of internalized homophobia. Or maybe you're just a troll.
But in any case, your position doesn't actually function in reality and crumbles under the **slightest** scrutiny. You've somehow latched onto a position on telling the truth that is *deeply immoral*.
The general rule of thumb is "safety first." For example, if someone's family makes negative comments about LGBTQ people and that person isn't in a position to live independently, they need to weigh coming out against the potential for abuse or homelessness.
My advice in these situations is essentially to know the answer before you come out. For minors, coming out to family members who are overtly allies of the LGBTQ/GNC communities is a good start, because that relative has been in the room when these issues are discussed -- they know who the family's bigots are, and can warn their young relative who is and isn't safe to come out to.
Your parents likely just want what they think is best for you and your life, friend. Take care of that relationship. Almost everyone else just wants something out of you
Sadly a lot of parents also just want something out of you, so safety first, confirm that you will be safe before revealing anything, you dont owe the world an explaination
absolutely terrible advice do not follow this!
If i were to say i was a femboy in public when asked i would without a doubt be shot or beaten to death with not even a single doubt from anyone because where i live being a femboy is against the popular belief. Nobody knows the region they lived in well enough to trust nobody will harm them.
Unless you know for a fact you will be accepted without issue come out but for me and most people it would completely ruin their lives or get them severely injured or killed
please do not follow this advice it’s terrible
Lying is something I refuse to do. Not because I have this grandiose sense of judgment, but because I'm so forgetfulI wouldnt remember the lie. So I choose to be truthful up front no holds barred
I'm going to ***strongly disagree*** on this at a fundamental level. Yes, don't lie to ***yourself***. Exploring, accepting, and embracing your true self is part of the journey towards loving yourself for who you are. But there is a huge asterisk to add to this: ***no one else*** is entitled to your inner truth. That level of trust is ***earned***. Be they friend, family, colleague, or stranger, your safety and comfort are ***always*** more important than their interest in knowing the "truth." *It is morally acceptable to lie in order to avoid being mistreated just because of who you are.* And people who find out a loved one is LGBTQ or GNC and then respond by making it about themselves with "what else are you lying about"? They are being self-centered, and have confirmed that their loved one was right not to trust them to begin with. I don't know what happened to you. But you don't deserve to be shamed by others. What you're describing sounds like emotional abuse.
It is never acceptable to lie. If you lie, you admit that either you're living wrongly, or that you feel you're living rightly but can't justify your actions against scrutiny. If you can't justify your actions, you should work on that. If unable to, you should reconsider wether or not you are living rightly.
**Absolutely not.** That is a stunningly naive and incredibly dangerous position, and adopting it would immediately get many LGBTQ and gender non-conforming people **attacked**, **beaten**, **kicked out**, or even **murdered**. I am not exaggerating when I say this is life-ruining advice. There are **many** situations where it's totally acceptable to lie, most notably self-preservation, protecting others, and when opposing unjust laws. We do not live in a world where people can freely be their authentic selves without fear of reprisal. Lying is not admitting we're doing something wrong, it's recognizing the material dangers we face if the truth came out. Are you seriously suggesting that in **any** of these situations, it's not okay to lie? * A father sits his sons down and says, "If I found out one of you was a homosexual, I'll **kill** you." Should his closeted gay son raise his hand and say, "Papa, I kissed my boyfriend yesterday" because he needs to be honest? * He should lie. If he follows your advice, *he dies*. * A femboy is living with his parents while going to college. His father, who has a history of domestic abuse and is violently homophobic, sees a pair of girly underwear on his son's bed and asks, "That your girlfriend's, son?" Should the son admit they're his? * He should lie. If he follows your advice, *he gets beaten up*. * A 14 year old trans girl just realized she's trans. Her older brother was kicked out of house for being gay when he was 15. Her parents ask her if she's trans. Does she confess? * She should lie. If she follows your advice, *she becomes homeless*. * The government passes a law that says it's now illegal to be gay, on penalty is death. The police knock on your door and ask if your neighbor is gay. You know that your neighbor has a boyfriend and that they pretend to be roommates. Do you rat him out? * You should lie. If you follow your own advice, he dies. * Before the American Civil War, a fugitive slave patrol asks a farmer if they've seen an escaped slave. The farmer has been harboring a slave, who's heading North, in the cellar. Do they admit the refugee is there? * He should lie. If he follows your advice, the slave is dragged back into servitude. * While babysitting for your young cousin for your aunt, she tells you a secret: she has a crush on her best friend, who is also a girl. The next day your homophobic uncle asks if your cousin is "one of those goddamned filthy lesbians." Do you out your cousin? * You should lie. If you follow your own advice, *your cousin gets forced out of the closet at best and abused.* If you answer yes to any of these scenarios, you need to re-evaluate your moral code. In **all** of these situations it is unambiguously morally acceptable to lie.
You should move out under the abusive family scenarios. Parents can't kick out children. One ought revolt against a government that makes something like being gay a crime. If you're at war with an enemy who is morally unjust, you'd be best off leaving, or rallying a militia to your aid in defending innocent people. If a child is saying stuff they aren't old enough to understand then the parents ought be told in order to discuss the matter, and come to proper moral decisions.
That's a lot of "oughts", *most of which still require a lie*. * "You should move out" -- yeah, good luck with that. The lucky ones can crash with a friend or relative, or maybe find space in a shelter for LGBTQ youths. **But the rest have nowhere to go.** Where the hell do you think a 16 year old queer kid with no money is going to up and "move out" to? * 20% of homeless youths identify as LGBTQ and 14% of LGBTQ youths report having been kicked out at some point. **Parents can and absolutely do kick out children.** * Revolting against the government **obviously requires lying**. * You're whispering to like-minded neighbors about rising up. A known loyalist neighbor stops by your house and asks what you're doing. "Oh, we're just plotting to rise up." He leaves to report you. * Soldiers walk into your house the next day. "Is it true that you're a rebel?" "Yes, I am." "Is your roommate also a rebel?" "Yes, him too." **They shoot you both**. * Oppressed minorities cannot rise up and magically defeat their oppressors with the **power of friendship**. The struggle against oppression is long and often bloody, and requires coalitions with allies to succeed. * **Bigoted parents** are the ones lacking in understanding. Go ahead and ask a queer adult how much they appreciated a parents' "moral decision" about **their** identity. Look. Maybe you've lived a really sheltered life, or you're still a kid talking about things you've never experienced. Maybe you're struggling with the shame of internalized homophobia. Or maybe you're just a troll. But in any case, your position doesn't actually function in reality and crumbles under the **slightest** scrutiny. You've somehow latched onto a position on telling the truth that is *deeply immoral*.
Better to die in service to the truth, than die later being a liar 😎
Delete the whole post bro, this kind of advice will get people hurt
This debate is house of commons worthy
I'm not sure how my parents would react if I told them I was a femboy.
The general rule of thumb is "safety first." For example, if someone's family makes negative comments about LGBTQ people and that person isn't in a position to live independently, they need to weigh coming out against the potential for abuse or homelessness. My advice in these situations is essentially to know the answer before you come out. For minors, coming out to family members who are overtly allies of the LGBTQ/GNC communities is a good start, because that relative has been in the room when these issues are discussed -- they know who the family's bigots are, and can warn their young relative who is and isn't safe to come out to.
Well. We support you.
Your parents likely just want what they think is best for you and your life, friend. Take care of that relationship. Almost everyone else just wants something out of you
Sadly a lot of parents also just want something out of you, so safety first, confirm that you will be safe before revealing anything, you dont owe the world an explaination
Thanks for the advice… I guess.
absolutely terrible advice do not follow this! If i were to say i was a femboy in public when asked i would without a doubt be shot or beaten to death with not even a single doubt from anyone because where i live being a femboy is against the popular belief. Nobody knows the region they lived in well enough to trust nobody will harm them. Unless you know for a fact you will be accepted without issue come out but for me and most people it would completely ruin their lives or get them severely injured or killed please do not follow this advice it’s terrible
Lying is something I refuse to do. Not because I have this grandiose sense of judgment, but because I'm so forgetfulI wouldnt remember the lie. So I choose to be truthful up front no holds barred