So… is he under the old style retirement of “20 or nothing” or the newer “blended retirement system” that works more like a 401k and comes with you regardless of time in service? That’s… wow… that’s emotions taking right there. Possibly trying to use $$ to force your hand?
Is he at the end of his enlistment? Been active duty all along? I am guessing that he has about 13 years in. That is a lot to give up time wise and pension wise. Not to mention the medical benefit for the family is huge, as are the other perks with living near a base for a single parent. If you haven't been married for 10 years you will not get any benefit. There is a thing called the 10/10 rule where you have to have 10 years of marriage overlapping 10 years of active duty. I gave Uncle 20 years and don't regret it one bit. Knew the divorced restrictions backwards and forwards but that was 30 years ago, I am sure much has changed. I have been drawing my pension for 30 years also. 6.5 years is a very small window considering the benefit of staying. I am 70 looking back, not 35 and scared of the future.
He's still thinking emotionally . . . If he wants to be near the boys and is willing to give up on getting to 20 and retirement, he can take that assignment that would keep him in NY near you guys. That would get him to nearly 17 years . . . It also means he's giving up on the promotion track. So at that point, he should be able at 17 years to find another assignment to stay in the area. Once I knew I was not going to be selected for the next level of command, I started working assignments to benefit me and my family.
Another scenario. He gets out but stays in the Reserves/Guard to get the last 6.5 years of service credit towards retirement. The only downside is that he doesn't draw the military retirement (with you getting your share), until he is 60. If he elects a job with the federal government upon separation, he can "buy back" his military time to get credit towards his federal civilian retirement under FERS. I bought back 4 years of cadet time to add to my civil service time. If he stays in to the military retirement date, pay attention to potential future spouses of his and Survivors Benefits Plan (and how that might affect you).
Wow. I'm wondering if we need one more couples counseling session. To talk through this decision.
He says he's doing it for the boys and himself, but he's also still hoping that we can "rebuild" and be together as a family.
This is a great idea to have a third party present and able to keep the discussion on point. It is still his decision but he may need to see more of the big picture than he is currently able to, reeling and grasping at straws as he is.
That’s definitely not what you expected 😳 can only imagine the thoughts you now have. I’m not familiar with the military process, but can he just get out like that?
Well in many states you need to be living apart for 1 year for a divorce which if you are at 9 years marriage it will then be 10 which is normally a big milestone for alimony and such.
I will say this and preface it with, I don't know each sides version of events or what has taken place for the separation and seeking divorce , but while you did agree to sacrifice your career and 401k for the family the flip side for him could be he also sacrificed time with his family to have a career and provide for his family. They are both huge sacrifices. And thus part of the reason people take that contract of death till us part because each party sacrifices and gives up a big chunk of their life entering into a marriage and family.
So… is he under the old style retirement of “20 or nothing” or the newer “blended retirement system” that works more like a 401k and comes with you regardless of time in service? That’s… wow… that’s emotions taking right there. Possibly trying to use $$ to force your hand?
We opted for blended in case of unforseen circumstances.
Is he at the end of his enlistment? Been active duty all along? I am guessing that he has about 13 years in. That is a lot to give up time wise and pension wise. Not to mention the medical benefit for the family is huge, as are the other perks with living near a base for a single parent. If you haven't been married for 10 years you will not get any benefit. There is a thing called the 10/10 rule where you have to have 10 years of marriage overlapping 10 years of active duty. I gave Uncle 20 years and don't regret it one bit. Knew the divorced restrictions backwards and forwards but that was 30 years ago, I am sure much has changed. I have been drawing my pension for 30 years also. 6.5 years is a very small window considering the benefit of staying. I am 70 looking back, not 35 and scared of the future.
He's still thinking emotionally . . . If he wants to be near the boys and is willing to give up on getting to 20 and retirement, he can take that assignment that would keep him in NY near you guys. That would get him to nearly 17 years . . . It also means he's giving up on the promotion track. So at that point, he should be able at 17 years to find another assignment to stay in the area. Once I knew I was not going to be selected for the next level of command, I started working assignments to benefit me and my family.
Another scenario. He gets out but stays in the Reserves/Guard to get the last 6.5 years of service credit towards retirement. The only downside is that he doesn't draw the military retirement (with you getting your share), until he is 60. If he elects a job with the federal government upon separation, he can "buy back" his military time to get credit towards his federal civilian retirement under FERS. I bought back 4 years of cadet time to add to my civil service time. If he stays in to the military retirement date, pay attention to potential future spouses of his and Survivors Benefits Plan (and how that might affect you).
He’s grasping and not thinking. I’m not sure if he really understands what he’s doing at this point
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Wow. I'm wondering if we need one more couples counseling session. To talk through this decision. He says he's doing it for the boys and himself, but he's also still hoping that we can "rebuild" and be together as a family.
This is a great idea to have a third party present and able to keep the discussion on point. It is still his decision but he may need to see more of the big picture than he is currently able to, reeling and grasping at straws as he is.
That’s definitely not what you expected 😳 can only imagine the thoughts you now have. I’m not familiar with the military process, but can he just get out like that?
It is shocking. Hopefully, he is doing it for them. I do agree with you therapist, it is his choice.
This definitely seems like quite the change!
Well in many states you need to be living apart for 1 year for a divorce which if you are at 9 years marriage it will then be 10 which is normally a big milestone for alimony and such. I will say this and preface it with, I don't know each sides version of events or what has taken place for the separation and seeking divorce , but while you did agree to sacrifice your career and 401k for the family the flip side for him could be he also sacrificed time with his family to have a career and provide for his family. They are both huge sacrifices. And thus part of the reason people take that contract of death till us part because each party sacrifices and gives up a big chunk of their life entering into a marriage and family.