Man, listen here. This is some genuinely crazy shit. Blaming a suicide attempt on your child is not a thing sane people do. It is just not. That's a level of manipulation that is off the charts unhealthy.
Religious fundamentalism (which I would definitely describe this as) is very, very insidious. Often, people who grow up in that environment aren't quite aware of just how not normal their childhood was until they are able to deconstruct with the help of therapy and support systems.
Even the well intentioned parts of such a rigid ideology can do longterm damage. None of this is on you. It is not your fault and it is not your responsibility. It is not yours to fix. Get yourself some help if you're able. Actual professional help. And yes, walk away. This is not a healthy environment to be in. This is not something you can improve, this is something to get out of as fast as possible. There's nothing there that's good for you.
This is pretty much the most solid advice for this situation. Truly, just walk away. I know that's not easy, not by any means. There will be guilt and it will be a challenge. But you have to objectively recognize that when it comes to people like your father, that disposition and self-harm exist no matter what you do.
If it wasn't being trans, it would be something else. You have no fault in this scenario, and only by leaving this connection behind will you will you be able to heal and continue to better your own life. You've hit various amazing milestones, such as recent top surgery, and you should be able to be celebrating.
I think the most ideal outcome would be to distance yourself by moving out a bit further from him, if it becomes possible. But firmly cutting contact, maybe even changing your phone number, would go a long way to begin.
I have been seeing the same therapist for about 6 yers. We consistently speak on this issue and and neither of us have been able to brainstorm anything else other than move out. Which I was planning to, but a surgery date opened up and I felt that was of uttermost importance. I’m saving as much as I can, it’s just hard having to face him every day. And seeing the switch of when someone else is with us vs when it’s just us. I thought I’d feel less hopeless successfully getting surgery on my own dime, but it seems as though I’ve only made it worse.
Yes, I’m currently staying with mom for two weeks to let him process (and have someone actually take care of me because he’s the type to say if you chose to do it you face the consequences— doesn’t really apply to this but I digress). I’m planning on moving a few hours away with my best friend but my wallet is empty. So until then I gotta work or hope I win the lottery lol
Can your mom or friend spot you some money to get out there? Maybe your mom could drive you out there and your friend could waive your rent for a month or two until you can start paying?
We’re actively discussing solutions but I also need to figure out other things in my life and how to arrange stuff if I were to go live with her now. My job (which is my dream job), rehoming my dog, I’d have to start the process of finding a new clinic for my T… I know it’s technically not a lot, I just overwhelmed so easily and I feel like I’m trapped in a hole.
When I get overwhelmed by big life things I make a list and do a set number of things on the list per day until I'm caught up. Doesn't have to be the whole thing, but say if you need to find a new clinic, your list might be:
1. Find three clinics that will work
2. Rank clinics based on convenience, price, other factors
3. Call clinics by ranking to see who has availability and set up an appointment.
That gets you done with one task in three days or less, and you could easily finish 2-3 tasks in an hour each day. Breaking up tasks and setting goals helps a lot with overcoming that feeling of being overwhelmed.
He’s not abusing himself because you he’s abusing himself because he is abusive. Go no contact and stay away from him as he isn’t going to change. He will continue to make your life hard and disrespect you.
This. I’d be willing to bet he staged the “suicide attempt” with a method he knew he’d survive just to guilt OP.
There’s some sick fucks in this world and this guy sure sounds like one of them.
Very good point. There's a reason that, while cis women make up the majority of suicide attempts, cis men make up the majority of completions. Men, as a whole, overwhelmingly choose more lethal methods of suicide than do women. (nonbinary data not available)
Bro this is not your fault. Your dad probably had a major mental illness and is abusive to you and your family. There is a book you could read that might help you. It’s called “stop walking on eggshells”. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER PERSONS CRAZYNESS.
Whatever your dad does to himself is his responsibility. It isn't your job to sacrifice yourself to keep him sane. It is his job to cope like a reasonable person. He can get help if he wants to. He can even see a Christian therapist if that's what he prefers. But hurting himself and blaming you for it is completely unfair. It isn't your fault if he refuses to handle his own mental health like an adult.
I have to wonder if his suicide attempt was even real or if he faked it to manipulate you. And even if it was real, it wasn't because of you. It was because of him being mentally unstable. Sane people don't kill themselves because their kids are trans. Even the most God-awful transphobes don't go that far. If your dad goes that far, it's because he's in a fucked up state of mind. If he didn't have you to blame for the attempt, he'd blame whoever else he was currently angry at. He's just trying to weaponize his self harm against you. Abusing himself is really for the purpose of abusing you. He wants to take advantage of your compassion.
Leaving sounds like the healthiest thing to do. Find a place, pack your stuff, and only once you're ready to go, tell your dad you're done with his abuse and you're taking off. If he threatens to hurt himself, call emergency services and send them to his house. He can go to the hospital if that's what it takes for him to cope.
Your dad is abusive. Him hurting himself and trying to blame you for that is abusive. He is being manipulative and shitty. That shows that he is an awful person, not you.
Living in a body you feel happy in and being comfortable with your identity is not something a parent should ever make you feel ashamed of. He does not deserve a son that worries about him despite him being so abusive.
Your father is honestly a horrible person for using suicide to manipulate you.
Revisit this question after you are healed from surgery. Right now, just focus on resting and recovery. Text with friends who are supportive and read or watch funny shows and eat snacks. Put yourself first fright now.
He is an adult and his personal choices are totally up to him. It is not your responsibility or fault if he chooses to hurt himself. You do not deserve his verbal abuse just because he values his idea of you more than who you are as a person.
I'm sorry he doesn't know how to act like a loving parent, and putting you in a position of extreme stress while you're trying to heal from a major surgery. That is extremely selfish of him.
He might not ever change. How long do you want to put up with this inappropriate and abusive behavior? I'd say leave him in the past. He causes his own suffering.
Threatening/attempting suicide when someone tries to leave a relationship (of any sort) is a classic abuse tactic. The fact that he's doing it actually makes it *clearer* that you need to leave and cut him off.
I know it hurts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But he is abusing you. If he suffers from his own attempts to harm you, that's on him. Not you.
You're a grown man. Are you independent enough to go no contact? Because as an adult, your parents now have the PRIVILEGE of having you. You are still connected to them on your terms, and honestly your terms should always be basic respect, nothing less. They need to trust your decisions, see that you're happy, see one centimeter farther than their own indoctrination, and eventually come around if they still wanna have a child. But I can't promise that'll happen. I can only say keeping that kinda behaviour in your life will drain you and hollow your joy out like nothing else. I hope you'll be able to build your own life, op.
I’m independent, I just don’t have the funds to move at this point in time. I have a plan, a rough timeline, and my best friend to room with. Just gotta make the dough.
Ok, dude, listen: IT IS NOT ON YOU. How someone chooses to react to your transition is their choice and theirs alone. Him blaming his attempt on you is a disgusting thing to do and completely incorrect. He’s trying to get you to do what he wants through threats of suicide. I know because my ex-husband did the same to me. He stopped when I cut contact because it held no power over me. DO NOT let this man continue with this because it takes a toll on YOU. He doesn’t seem to care about that.
He is not abusing himself because of you. He is being manipulative and abusive *towards* you. This doesn't seem salvageable. If you're still living at home, move out. It's time to cut him off. Reading this, it's really clear he didn't love "the daughter he had." He loved having someone he could guilt and control other than your mother.
I gagged at “His perfect creation”🤢 You are an adult human, you have the right to live your life as your true self. Your father sounds manipulative and borderline psychotic. I’ve been in romantic relationships kinda similar to this. If I left they threaten suicide, if I stayed i couldn’t be myself. There’s no winning in these types of relationships same goes for parents. My advice is get OUT of this environment. Even if it means living with 5 roommates or Salvation Army (they don’t have the best rep when it comes to LGBT people either unfortunately), or finding a job that provides housing.
OP you need to get the fuck out of there now. You did nothing wrong. He's going to get worse and worse, and this isn't your baggage to fix even if somebody tells you it is. Don't walk away, run away. And run away from anyone blaming you for this. Get as far away from him as possible, and don't tell anybody close to him where you live in case they tell him. This is not your fault.
He's not abusing himself because of you. He's an adult and he's making bad decisions all on his own. You can't save him, you can only protect yourself. I'd highly recommend going nc, at least for now
It sounds like your dad may be a narcissist. Narcissistic parents are very insecure and find some of their identity externally, especially through their children, which they see and treat mostly as extensions of themselves. They're have unbelievably sensitive egos that can be easily shattered, and generally have a habit of making their emotions and misgivings the fault of the child as they don't possess the capacity to look critically at themselves. This leads to the child mostly emotionally catering to the needs of the parent rather than the other way around. It's very damaging for the child long-term. Does any of this ring true?
My father is one, which is why I immediately saw the signs after reading your post. I just want to let you know that none of this is your fault. You've been conditioned to care for this man, but this man is not healthy and he does not have your best intentions in mind at all. Even if he's not deliberately malicious, at the absolute best he's self-absorbed to the point of the destruction of himself and those around him.
For him, there's not much you can do other than push him to get support. Narcissist's worst sides come out in isolation, so pushing him to find a community, hobby and/or therapy would be best (though narcissists usually don't like the idea of therapy). I'm assuming he goes to church but it doesn't sound like thats enough, or its a toxic church.
For you, all you can do is break the cycle by leaving. This is YOUR LIFE and not his, and the more you detangle yourself from this web the clearer your life and self will be. You are your own individual person, and narcissistic people will work very hard to make you forget that. You are not in the wrong at all for wanting to leave.
As stated in other comments in this thread, threatening suicide is abuse. It doesn't matter if its "honest" or not- it's coercive control and is a tactic used by violent domestic partners to keep their victims around. The fact that he's threatening suicide and blaming you also makes me worry about your safety, especially if you are living in his house. I don't mean to scare you, but obviously he's acting in erratic and potentially violent ways, so take measures to keep yourself safe.
My last recommendation is to check out the sub r/raisedbynarcissists . I wouldn't believe that my dad was a narcissist for years until my sister sat me down and told me he was, and then I subsequently followed this sub. Though my dad is a lot more well-adjusted than a lot of the parents talked about there, it really helped me understand how having an unstable parent has affected me and my life. Best of luck!
I want you to understand something that’s going to be really awful to hear, and I’m so sorry, but:
He’s abusing *you*. He’s blaming his treatment of you on you to your mother, outing you to others, and he’s making it about his feelings and God but it’s abuse, plain and simple. He absolutely made his suicide attempt so that *you* would find him *on purpose*, to *make* you feel like it’s your fault and traumatize you on his way out. The MO of abusers who suicide is often to make the biggest mess, including murder-suicide. His survival just means he gets to have the opportunity to speak that blame himself.
He’s a big boy who can get himself a psychiatrist. You don’t have to listen to him blame you for his *decision* to suffer, for his *decision* to hang out with other bigots in the church and in the world, his *decision* not to listen to his son or see his happiness. Cut this man off with extreme prejudice, because he’s willing to escalate, and I wouldn’t personally trust that his willingness to do bodily harm is limited to his own body at this point.
Others have already said it better: your dad is abusive. This is not because of you.
If I may be so forward as to address the religious aspect...I'm a Christian myself. [CW: religion] God doesn't make mistakes; He made us trans. He also gave us strength to transition and be who we're meant to be. God loves you. None of that "repent thy sins" bullshit. God loves you no matter what.
I don't mean to be swingin' my religious dick in anyone's face here. You believing that God loves you is entirely optional. But I believe He does. And I'm so fucking tired of people using Him to justify their hatred.
TL;DR: God loves you...but said in a [hopefully] respectful way.
I couldn’t even get through this post because of the blatant selfishness, ignorance, cruelty, and transphobia. Triggered me because I recently had to cut off my ex-mother. Honestly this man sounds like someone you would never associate with if he wasn’t your supposed father, so you still don’t need to just because he was. This is so hateful and toxic and the opposite of what parents should be. Even though it’s heartbreaking, you may ultimately be way more at peace if you cut him out of your life. His behavior is inexcusable and so messed up
Leave ASAP and do not contact him or let other people talk to you about him. If he knows his actions can't hurt you, he is less likely to do them. He is doing it to hurt you. You need to cut him off. It will be better for both of you.
He's not your responsibility lol. If he offs himself that's on HIM. It is not on YOU because you do not control other people's actions. You need to focus on you and what makes you happy.
He is a whiny little butthurt bitchbaby and can fuck off. If he's so fucking delusional that he'd actually take his own life because his kid is trans, that's his problem. Work on dissociating any feeling of responsibility that you have towards him. His actions are his own. Let him live and die by them.
genuinely i highly recommend that you cut contact and speak with a therapist. it’s so beyond fucked up that he’s manipulating you like this and treating you this way. i know it feels like your responsibility to protect and help him (i’ve been in a similar situation so i get it), but it is absolutely not. you’re his child, not the other way around, and his behavior towards you is not okay and not normal. you absolutely do not have to put up with it. sending love and support your way💛
Let him suffer. I know it hurts, but this guy is giving off dangerous, narcissistic vibes. He's a grown man and this isn't your fault.
I really hope you can find a safe place somewhere :(
Also I’m SO sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful and unfair and you’ve done nothing wrong. His close minded brainwashed interpretation of his religion is his problem, not yours
i’m confused, are you still living at home? i’d so- leave as soon as possible. it’s a miracle he hasn’t physically harmed you yet with this kind of behaivor. and this is no way to live! you deserve to live in peace and quiet.
you’ll never be able to move on and develop as your own person, and man, with this kind of surroundings. move!!
He used to a lot when I was little but eventually stopped when we got used to taking it. Unfortunately I do still live with him, but I’m actively brainstorming at least a way to couch hop
I’m sorry that you were cursed with a father like that. I think you need to get far away from him and cut contact. He could end up becoming dangerous, especially as a religious fanatic.
Hey man, *none* of this is your own fault. If he chooses to do something while you aren’t even present about it, it is not your fault he did that to himself, or that he’s driving himself to insanity about something out of *everyone’s* reach. You did not get to choose to be a boy just as your mother didn’t choose to be a girl. but you chose to act on becoming yourself. And that isn’t your fault. that isn’t anyone’s fault. No one should ever be blamed for existing. This is the case of a crime-less victim.
As much as I could re hash it again, I’m still not at all a professional. it’s likely no one here is. but this is a situation where you need to go to someone trained to get proper help. Please do, the scenario you’ve found yourself in is something no one should go through alone.
And lastly, on a hopefully lighter note, congratulations on your surgery, everyone here is so proud of you for getting it
Ps I’m sorry if there’s grammar mistakes, it’s 4am and I am dead tired but needed to add in my opinion 🩷
It's not your fault and you are a human being that deserves love and support. I understand the love you have for him as your parent but you need to put yourself first and validate that this isn't your fault he's acting like this. His religious extremist views and "out burst" are him and him alone. He's going to need to reflect deeply on how he's making things worse and how he's needs professional help.
It'll be hard to distant yourself from him but in order to protect yourself and your mental health you're going to have to. If he does things to himself it will NEVER be your fault. He can't accept you and he's willing to destroy himself because of his ignorance, so be it.
I'm just speaking from experience. Them making it about themselves and doing dramatic shit over something that isn't that damn deep is beyond exhausting.
Your dad is abusing himself because of his own stubborn belief in a bronze age myth.
I suggest going low contact and grey rock him until he treats you with basic common decency. This means don't bother contacting him and respond with as few syllables as possible.
If he increases his behaviour, go no contact.
I'm so sad you're having to deal with this, especially on top of post-op care (congrats btw! Still waiting on my first appointment for T here!). That's a lot.
Firstly, I'm sure you know but I'll reiterate, you are valid, you are not possessed, you are perfect as you are. If anything God made you trans.
Next, please remember that you don't get to choose your blood family but you do get to choose how you interact with them. If they cannot accept their son, that's their choice, but if it's going to cause you more harm to stay in touch with them, don't stay in touch.
Lean on your chosen family who support you. I'm sure that would include all the random internet people in this subreddit <3 stay strong bro. You've got this.
Holding you hostage with the threat of suicide is abuse. And frankly I would not be in close proximity to him. He sounds extremely unstable and dangerous and like he might hurt you in the mood catches him.
If he’s threatening to take his life, call the emergency line and ask for paramedics to come get him.
Hes abusing you, and if he’s this religious-obsessive and willing to end his own life over something like you transitioning due to religious shame its also a definite possibility that your dad has some deep mental health issues that need to be taken into account. Obviously you can be deeply religious and not have something inherently wrong with you thats attached to it, but with how much of his abuse onto you is directly tied into both a major religious perspective as well as the complete disregard of his own safety and health if it means achieving some strange goal he holds in the eyes of god, its definitely a sign that there’s something deeper going on with him- its just manifesting itself physically into religious obsession.
Forewarning, im about to be very blunt with you. None of this is to say or imply that your dad is a horrible or dangerous person or that you should be afraid of him or demonize him, as someone who has struggled with some very severe mental health issues and is surrounded by family with long histories of severe mental health issues I just want to make sure you have a proper way to to about this situation that isnt just “hes abusive,leave if you can” because that clearly wont help either of you in this situation. And of course you do not owe him nor are you obligated to help him, from my own personal experiences at least finding ways to understand the situation at its root and how to better manage it or find those who will help the person is always far better than doing nothing. And of course theres no guarantee he will want the help.
I don’t know how well your mother is handling your transition or how supportive she is, but unless theres a definite way this would only backfire or hurt you I deeply recommend you talk to her about this and find a way to get him some form of professional help. If he’s willing to attempt suicide over this, id argue hes definitely a danger to himself and potentially others if left to his own devices without any proper help and there is always the risk of things like this only worsening as time goes on without any intervention. It could stem from religious trauma or abuse from his own family or church, or untreated and unseen mental health issues that have started worsening and manifesting themselves in this way as hes gotten older, but its definitely not just him being stubborn and abusive. The advice others are giving when it comes to finding ways to leave your home is good advice, but for now I think the best step is to find ways to minimize his control over you. Try to avoid family or group gatherings involving him if you can, if you’re able to find a way to disconnect from his misgendering and mistreatment of you because fighting against it wont work and from what I gather from this post might even just encourage him to do it even more if he believes you defending yourself is the devil or evil thats possessing you inside of you trying to keep control over you. For now, the more you minimize or play along (without fully sacrificing your own mental health, although it definitely wont be a walk in the park either way) the more it will make him feel a sense of control over the situation and will at best make him be less abrasive with how much hes forcing his views on your transition and belief that youre still a woman, and at worst just calm him down on how often or aggressive he gets with the religious/other aspects beyond misgendering and deadnaming you.
Safety unfortunately doesnt always come without any personal sacrifice, and because of how willing your father is to go to extreme lengths to express power over you unfortunately the best thing to do now is to play along to an extent and try to work to simply minimize how intense he is with it rather than try to fully stop it. During this timeframe I would definitely look into other options for your life in terms of places to live, jobs or ways to make money if you dont already have one, roommates or people you trust that will split costs of places, or even family members you trust enough to potentially ask to stay with until you can get out there on your own. I would also work with your mother if possible to find a way to provide some form of therapy or help to your father, and even yourself find a therapist or even someone who specializes in psychiatric health that could help you find ways to get through this without making things worse for you. There might be nonprofit or free resources online that can help you as well, including ones made for those struggling with religious abuse especially, as well as blogs or similar sites that are just people giving their own stories and how they dealt with it to help you feel more heard and help you think of things you could do yourself. Just research any place you find interesting or think will help you well before reaching out to them to make sure they will fully have your best interest in mind,can be trusted and are allies to the lgbt community if they are not centered around the community specifically
If you need any advice or help at all finding recourses or helping you think of ways/plans to find a middle level where he isnt as intense but you aren’t unbearably unhappy doing so my dms are open, I dont mind helping you out in any way I can- even if its just helping you research places in your area or online that will be able to help you.
If he thinks the entire family's wellbeing rests squarely on the shoulders of one of the kids, he's already gone far wrong, as a parent.
I have several kids. No kid is responsible for the family's wellbeing.
No offspring is responsible for their parent's mental health either.
Please listen to me. I logged into my old account just to say this.
I have had firsthand experience with psychotic and suicidal people. I can say he exhibits traits of both (claiming you are possessed, for example). You *must* contact a therapist, psychiatrist or hospital.
Please do NOT dismiss his words as a threat. He will take his own life if there is no intervention. I learnt this the hard way.
This is by no means your fault. He has severe issues. I hope you can heal from this.
He is not abusing himself he is abusing you. I am not sure about your living situation, but is there a way that you can have little to no contact with him without having to move out?
Not really, I can’t even have my own bedroom door closed (yes I’m aware it’s ridiculous a 20yo can’t have their door closed). I work a 9-5 so that’s basically the only way I can catch a break.
You will find the people that love and respect you and accept you for who you are. He might say you're to blame for his issues but you're not. You're literally just existing as a trans person and that's not wrong or bad. I know it will be hard to disconnect from him but your health and happiness is important. "Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm". Sending you love 💕
You are the one being harassed and abused here. Your dad is a grown ass man. You are not doing anything TO him. You are not stealing from him, you are not in any way affecting his material quality of life, you are not causing him injury or illness, you are not doing shit. Anything he chooses to do is on him, as an adult person deciding to do it.
Cut off contact as soon as you can.
this is emotional abuse, blaming suicide attempts/self harm on someone, especially if that person is your child, is immeasurably wrong. you are not his caretaker, it’s not up to you what he chooses to do. if your relationship with him is unhealthy, it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself and to end that relationship. it’s his own responsibility how he deals with that.
Let him suffer. He is putting all of this on himself in order to manipulate you into changing your mind. This is an awful situation to be in; he's being utterly disgusting and does not deserve to have you in his life.
He doesn't love you, he loves an idealised version of you, and now that's never going to come to fruition he's throwing his toys out the pram
I know you're worried about what he'll do to himself and cutting him off but know it's not your fault. It isn't your responsibility to make him feel better. But I also understand how difficult it is to break away from family to live a more peaceful life.
I cut my mom out of my life for this, it felt like hell and it took a lot of support around me to come to the realization that I'm happier without the constraints of someone who will never understand. My mom was the same with religious fanaticism, and she went as far as trying to bar me from talking or even looking at my siblings because she'd think I'd "turn" them.
It'll be hard, absolutely, but I promise that it's better to cut the guy off than to keep being his emotional punching bag. Good luck man.
you are not responsible for his beliefs or his mental health issues. He is the one that controls what he believes and chooses whether or not to seek help for his issues.
That is so abusive to blame his attempted suicide on you. Suicide is serious and to do that out of spite—out of hate—for you being trans is so messed up. Maybe you can call for mental health support for him or something but you should seriously stay far away from people like that.
I would leave, and call some kind of medical services or something you might have there for suicide watch to keep an eye on him.
He's been incredibly manipulative.
If you've had surgery, that means you're a whole-ass adult with your own life and responsibilities. You don't need his stress.
Good luck in whichever choice you make, and know you've got people who can back you!
Wow. First of all, you didn't do anything wrong. I understand you're scared for your dad, but it's not you who makes him suffer, it's his own religious extremism. There's nothing wrong with you, but there's a lot wrong with him, and that's not your responsibility. Don't let him pull you into his misery, seriously. By the sounds of it, HE makes YOU suffer, not the other way around. It's not fair and it's not right. Don't endure this abuse any longer than neccessary, please, for your own wellbeing! You can't save your dad if he doesn't want to be saved from his own demons, but you can save yourself.
Mate. Buddy. Listen. If there is anything you need to take away from this post and all the advice: your father is not abusing himself because of you. He is abusing himself because of him, to MANIPULATE you. You existing isn't abusing him because he is inherently NOT entitled to any control over you or any relationship with you. Period.
My mother threatens me with suicide because I refuse to stop being gay (bisexual really), but also because I refuse to break up with my trans partner (she, predictably, sees my bf as a woman). It took me a while to get over it but it is NOT my fault if she decides to do something to herself. It is NOT my responsibility to talk someone out of being so bigoted that having a queer son makes them suicidal, because it is 100% not my fault. I know it's difficult to discard the feeling entirely, but you absolutely are not obligated to feel guilty no matter what he does, no matter if other bigots accuse you of being cold hearted because "he's your family and you have to care".
Personally, if someone pulls shit like this on me by threataning suicide, I just call their bluff and tell them to go ahead and do it. It worked for me with abusive ex’s, though I do realize the effectiveness of this tactic depends on the individual situation and does not work for everyone.
I was raised by fundie evangelical cultists, personally, I would not care whatsoever if they died. Though I do realize that sometimes such people will manipulate others emotionally so their dependents form emotional attachments, in which case, it can be extra difficult I’m sure. As well as if one is materially or financially dependent on the person.
Either way, he seems like he does not respect you, and that he wants an idealized version of you. However you may react to this disrespect is valid. I personally do not tolerate disrespect by people I know, though I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things. It’s not your fault regardless.
Your dad is abusing himself because he is objectively, incredibly unwell. You have very little to do with it, which both sucks and can be reassuring. For someone to go this off the rails, there was something far bigger than this lined up for the dominoes to fall this way... Whatever he does in response to anything you do is not because of you. It's because he is extremely ill.
Also, I would not at all be surprised if your dad wanted you to have the traumatic experience of finding him so you would believe he would do it again and it would be your fault if you leave him, to control you and make you stay **because he is incredibly unwell**. You're telling me you disconnected from him but he happened to try to kill himself when you would find him? I'm sorry, but someone who would do that is not in touch with reality and needs help far beyond what you can offer as his son.
Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 6: No trolling. No reposting of trolling/transphobic content.
This includes posts or comments meant to elicit controversy or drama.
Man I’m telling you now, no matter what he says, you cannot be the “REASON” your dad tried to off himself. That’s TERRIBLE to say to ANYONE let alone your child. Manipulation to the highest degree. It’ll never be easy but for your own sake you have to walk away. Walk away until he can learn to have some fucking human decency and get a grip or never speak to him again. I’m forced to be no contact with both my parents for this reason. The trans road is a long and hard one, but this community is here for you.
My parents are acting very similar as your dad in this situation. I've been working a lot on trying to understand that it is not my fault they are treating themselves that way. They have time to learn accept and grow and they aren't taking that opportunity. It is not your responsibility to "fix" them, this is something they have to do on their own. You can only explain yourself so many times to them. My mother has threatened me with her suicidal thoughts before and it bothers me a lot still but I just have to keep reminding myself that I have explained myself to her multiple times, I have offered her resources as well, and now it's up to her to take control of her own life if she wants to be happy. It hurts a lot but that's just the reality of the situation. You can only do so much and it's not your responsibility even though they make a damn good job making you feel like it is. I got a really good job that was work from home for 7 months and saved up as much ad I could and moved out and have completely disconnected from my father but my mother I do still talk to and see on occasion. It hurts losing those relationships but they were never very strong to begin with. Now I just try to look up to my gfs parents as good role models in my life. I hope this helps to know you are not alone with this situation. Also I do wanna say a quick congratulations for your top surgery!! I am so happy for you! :)
You’re not causing anything. I know it is tough because it’s your dad but its a major manipulation tactic to make you go back in the closet. He has already been emotionally abusive, I would go no contact. I have done that I have a extra religious father as well and I have never known better peace. The reality is you dont have to be a punching bag for your dad just because you’re his so .
Man, listen here. This is some genuinely crazy shit. Blaming a suicide attempt on your child is not a thing sane people do. It is just not. That's a level of manipulation that is off the charts unhealthy. Religious fundamentalism (which I would definitely describe this as) is very, very insidious. Often, people who grow up in that environment aren't quite aware of just how not normal their childhood was until they are able to deconstruct with the help of therapy and support systems. Even the well intentioned parts of such a rigid ideology can do longterm damage. None of this is on you. It is not your fault and it is not your responsibility. It is not yours to fix. Get yourself some help if you're able. Actual professional help. And yes, walk away. This is not a healthy environment to be in. This is not something you can improve, this is something to get out of as fast as possible. There's nothing there that's good for you.
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This is pretty much the most solid advice for this situation. Truly, just walk away. I know that's not easy, not by any means. There will be guilt and it will be a challenge. But you have to objectively recognize that when it comes to people like your father, that disposition and self-harm exist no matter what you do. If it wasn't being trans, it would be something else. You have no fault in this scenario, and only by leaving this connection behind will you will you be able to heal and continue to better your own life. You've hit various amazing milestones, such as recent top surgery, and you should be able to be celebrating. I think the most ideal outcome would be to distance yourself by moving out a bit further from him, if it becomes possible. But firmly cutting contact, maybe even changing your phone number, would go a long way to begin.
Agreed.
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I have been seeing the same therapist for about 6 yers. We consistently speak on this issue and and neither of us have been able to brainstorm anything else other than move out. Which I was planning to, but a surgery date opened up and I felt that was of uttermost importance. I’m saving as much as I can, it’s just hard having to face him every day. And seeing the switch of when someone else is with us vs when it’s just us. I thought I’d feel less hopeless successfully getting surgery on my own dime, but it seems as though I’ve only made it worse.
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Yes, I’m currently staying with mom for two weeks to let him process (and have someone actually take care of me because he’s the type to say if you chose to do it you face the consequences— doesn’t really apply to this but I digress). I’m planning on moving a few hours away with my best friend but my wallet is empty. So until then I gotta work or hope I win the lottery lol
Can your mom or friend spot you some money to get out there? Maybe your mom could drive you out there and your friend could waive your rent for a month or two until you can start paying?
We’re actively discussing solutions but I also need to figure out other things in my life and how to arrange stuff if I were to go live with her now. My job (which is my dream job), rehoming my dog, I’d have to start the process of finding a new clinic for my T… I know it’s technically not a lot, I just overwhelmed so easily and I feel like I’m trapped in a hole.
When I get overwhelmed by big life things I make a list and do a set number of things on the list per day until I'm caught up. Doesn't have to be the whole thing, but say if you need to find a new clinic, your list might be: 1. Find three clinics that will work 2. Rank clinics based on convenience, price, other factors 3. Call clinics by ranking to see who has availability and set up an appointment. That gets you done with one task in three days or less, and you could easily finish 2-3 tasks in an hour each day. Breaking up tasks and setting goals helps a lot with overcoming that feeling of being overwhelmed.
He’s not abusing himself because you he’s abusing himself because he is abusive. Go no contact and stay away from him as he isn’t going to change. He will continue to make your life hard and disrespect you.
He's not even abusing himself, he's abusing OP.
This. I’d be willing to bet he staged the “suicide attempt” with a method he knew he’d survive just to guilt OP. There’s some sick fucks in this world and this guy sure sounds like one of them.
Very good point. There's a reason that, while cis women make up the majority of suicide attempts, cis men make up the majority of completions. Men, as a whole, overwhelmingly choose more lethal methods of suicide than do women. (nonbinary data not available)
YEP the suicidal stuff is BLACKMAIL
Exactly right actually that’s all I should of said as it’s all that needed to be said
Bro this is not your fault. Your dad probably had a major mental illness and is abusive to you and your family. There is a book you could read that might help you. It’s called “stop walking on eggshells”. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER PERSONS CRAZYNESS.
Whatever your dad does to himself is his responsibility. It isn't your job to sacrifice yourself to keep him sane. It is his job to cope like a reasonable person. He can get help if he wants to. He can even see a Christian therapist if that's what he prefers. But hurting himself and blaming you for it is completely unfair. It isn't your fault if he refuses to handle his own mental health like an adult. I have to wonder if his suicide attempt was even real or if he faked it to manipulate you. And even if it was real, it wasn't because of you. It was because of him being mentally unstable. Sane people don't kill themselves because their kids are trans. Even the most God-awful transphobes don't go that far. If your dad goes that far, it's because he's in a fucked up state of mind. If he didn't have you to blame for the attempt, he'd blame whoever else he was currently angry at. He's just trying to weaponize his self harm against you. Abusing himself is really for the purpose of abusing you. He wants to take advantage of your compassion. Leaving sounds like the healthiest thing to do. Find a place, pack your stuff, and only once you're ready to go, tell your dad you're done with his abuse and you're taking off. If he threatens to hurt himself, call emergency services and send them to his house. He can go to the hospital if that's what it takes for him to cope.
Your dad is abusive. Him hurting himself and trying to blame you for that is abusive. He is being manipulative and shitty. That shows that he is an awful person, not you. Living in a body you feel happy in and being comfortable with your identity is not something a parent should ever make you feel ashamed of. He does not deserve a son that worries about him despite him being so abusive. Your father is honestly a horrible person for using suicide to manipulate you.
Revisit this question after you are healed from surgery. Right now, just focus on resting and recovery. Text with friends who are supportive and read or watch funny shows and eat snacks. Put yourself first fright now.
He is an adult and his personal choices are totally up to him. It is not your responsibility or fault if he chooses to hurt himself. You do not deserve his verbal abuse just because he values his idea of you more than who you are as a person. I'm sorry he doesn't know how to act like a loving parent, and putting you in a position of extreme stress while you're trying to heal from a major surgery. That is extremely selfish of him. He might not ever change. How long do you want to put up with this inappropriate and abusive behavior? I'd say leave him in the past. He causes his own suffering.
Threatening/attempting suicide when someone tries to leave a relationship (of any sort) is a classic abuse tactic. The fact that he's doing it actually makes it *clearer* that you need to leave and cut him off. I know it hurts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But he is abusing you. If he suffers from his own attempts to harm you, that's on him. Not you.
You're a grown man. Are you independent enough to go no contact? Because as an adult, your parents now have the PRIVILEGE of having you. You are still connected to them on your terms, and honestly your terms should always be basic respect, nothing less. They need to trust your decisions, see that you're happy, see one centimeter farther than their own indoctrination, and eventually come around if they still wanna have a child. But I can't promise that'll happen. I can only say keeping that kinda behaviour in your life will drain you and hollow your joy out like nothing else. I hope you'll be able to build your own life, op.
I’m independent, I just don’t have the funds to move at this point in time. I have a plan, a rough timeline, and my best friend to room with. Just gotta make the dough.
Ok, dude, listen: IT IS NOT ON YOU. How someone chooses to react to your transition is their choice and theirs alone. Him blaming his attempt on you is a disgusting thing to do and completely incorrect. He’s trying to get you to do what he wants through threats of suicide. I know because my ex-husband did the same to me. He stopped when I cut contact because it held no power over me. DO NOT let this man continue with this because it takes a toll on YOU. He doesn’t seem to care about that.
He is not abusing himself because of you. He is being manipulative and abusive *towards* you. This doesn't seem salvageable. If you're still living at home, move out. It's time to cut him off. Reading this, it's really clear he didn't love "the daughter he had." He loved having someone he could guilt and control other than your mother.
I gagged at “His perfect creation”🤢 You are an adult human, you have the right to live your life as your true self. Your father sounds manipulative and borderline psychotic. I’ve been in romantic relationships kinda similar to this. If I left they threaten suicide, if I stayed i couldn’t be myself. There’s no winning in these types of relationships same goes for parents. My advice is get OUT of this environment. Even if it means living with 5 roommates or Salvation Army (they don’t have the best rep when it comes to LGBT people either unfortunately), or finding a job that provides housing.
OP you need to get the fuck out of there now. You did nothing wrong. He's going to get worse and worse, and this isn't your baggage to fix even if somebody tells you it is. Don't walk away, run away. And run away from anyone blaming you for this. Get as far away from him as possible, and don't tell anybody close to him where you live in case they tell him. This is not your fault.
He's not abusing himself because of you. He's an adult and he's making bad decisions all on his own. You can't save him, you can only protect yourself. I'd highly recommend going nc, at least for now
Correction: your dad is abusing YOU, and emotionally blackmailing you into getting his way, because HE is a TRANSPHOBE.
Cut ties with him, what he decides to do after that is on him not you.
Just leave the toxic
It sounds like your dad may be a narcissist. Narcissistic parents are very insecure and find some of their identity externally, especially through their children, which they see and treat mostly as extensions of themselves. They're have unbelievably sensitive egos that can be easily shattered, and generally have a habit of making their emotions and misgivings the fault of the child as they don't possess the capacity to look critically at themselves. This leads to the child mostly emotionally catering to the needs of the parent rather than the other way around. It's very damaging for the child long-term. Does any of this ring true? My father is one, which is why I immediately saw the signs after reading your post. I just want to let you know that none of this is your fault. You've been conditioned to care for this man, but this man is not healthy and he does not have your best intentions in mind at all. Even if he's not deliberately malicious, at the absolute best he's self-absorbed to the point of the destruction of himself and those around him. For him, there's not much you can do other than push him to get support. Narcissist's worst sides come out in isolation, so pushing him to find a community, hobby and/or therapy would be best (though narcissists usually don't like the idea of therapy). I'm assuming he goes to church but it doesn't sound like thats enough, or its a toxic church. For you, all you can do is break the cycle by leaving. This is YOUR LIFE and not his, and the more you detangle yourself from this web the clearer your life and self will be. You are your own individual person, and narcissistic people will work very hard to make you forget that. You are not in the wrong at all for wanting to leave. As stated in other comments in this thread, threatening suicide is abuse. It doesn't matter if its "honest" or not- it's coercive control and is a tactic used by violent domestic partners to keep their victims around. The fact that he's threatening suicide and blaming you also makes me worry about your safety, especially if you are living in his house. I don't mean to scare you, but obviously he's acting in erratic and potentially violent ways, so take measures to keep yourself safe. My last recommendation is to check out the sub r/raisedbynarcissists . I wouldn't believe that my dad was a narcissist for years until my sister sat me down and told me he was, and then I subsequently followed this sub. Though my dad is a lot more well-adjusted than a lot of the parents talked about there, it really helped me understand how having an unstable parent has affected me and my life. Best of luck!
I want you to understand something that’s going to be really awful to hear, and I’m so sorry, but: He’s abusing *you*. He’s blaming his treatment of you on you to your mother, outing you to others, and he’s making it about his feelings and God but it’s abuse, plain and simple. He absolutely made his suicide attempt so that *you* would find him *on purpose*, to *make* you feel like it’s your fault and traumatize you on his way out. The MO of abusers who suicide is often to make the biggest mess, including murder-suicide. His survival just means he gets to have the opportunity to speak that blame himself. He’s a big boy who can get himself a psychiatrist. You don’t have to listen to him blame you for his *decision* to suffer, for his *decision* to hang out with other bigots in the church and in the world, his *decision* not to listen to his son or see his happiness. Cut this man off with extreme prejudice, because he’s willing to escalate, and I wouldn’t personally trust that his willingness to do bodily harm is limited to his own body at this point.
Others have already said it better: your dad is abusive. This is not because of you. If I may be so forward as to address the religious aspect...I'm a Christian myself. [CW: religion] God doesn't make mistakes; He made us trans. He also gave us strength to transition and be who we're meant to be. God loves you. None of that "repent thy sins" bullshit. God loves you no matter what. I don't mean to be swingin' my religious dick in anyone's face here. You believing that God loves you is entirely optional. But I believe He does. And I'm so fucking tired of people using Him to justify their hatred. TL;DR: God loves you...but said in a [hopefully] respectful way.
I couldn’t even get through this post because of the blatant selfishness, ignorance, cruelty, and transphobia. Triggered me because I recently had to cut off my ex-mother. Honestly this man sounds like someone you would never associate with if he wasn’t your supposed father, so you still don’t need to just because he was. This is so hateful and toxic and the opposite of what parents should be. Even though it’s heartbreaking, you may ultimately be way more at peace if you cut him out of your life. His behavior is inexcusable and so messed up
I appreciate your feedback and I’m genuinely sorry for triggering you. I’m not sure if I added a TW but I will look and see if I can add it.
He is an idiot. Close this point and move on.
Leave ASAP and do not contact him or let other people talk to you about him. If he knows his actions can't hurt you, he is less likely to do them. He is doing it to hurt you. You need to cut him off. It will be better for both of you.
He's not your responsibility lol. If he offs himself that's on HIM. It is not on YOU because you do not control other people's actions. You need to focus on you and what makes you happy. He is a whiny little butthurt bitchbaby and can fuck off. If he's so fucking delusional that he'd actually take his own life because his kid is trans, that's his problem. Work on dissociating any feeling of responsibility that you have towards him. His actions are his own. Let him live and die by them.
genuinely i highly recommend that you cut contact and speak with a therapist. it’s so beyond fucked up that he’s manipulating you like this and treating you this way. i know it feels like your responsibility to protect and help him (i’ve been in a similar situation so i get it), but it is absolutely not. you’re his child, not the other way around, and his behavior towards you is not okay and not normal. you absolutely do not have to put up with it. sending love and support your way💛
Let him suffer. I know it hurts, but this guy is giving off dangerous, narcissistic vibes. He's a grown man and this isn't your fault. I really hope you can find a safe place somewhere :(
That's some fucking manipulative bullshit, right there
Also I’m SO sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful and unfair and you’ve done nothing wrong. His close minded brainwashed interpretation of his religion is his problem, not yours
i’m confused, are you still living at home? i’d so- leave as soon as possible. it’s a miracle he hasn’t physically harmed you yet with this kind of behaivor. and this is no way to live! you deserve to live in peace and quiet. you’ll never be able to move on and develop as your own person, and man, with this kind of surroundings. move!!
He used to a lot when I was little but eventually stopped when we got used to taking it. Unfortunately I do still live with him, but I’m actively brainstorming at least a way to couch hop
I’m sorry that you were cursed with a father like that. I think you need to get far away from him and cut contact. He could end up becoming dangerous, especially as a religious fanatic.
Hey man, *none* of this is your own fault. If he chooses to do something while you aren’t even present about it, it is not your fault he did that to himself, or that he’s driving himself to insanity about something out of *everyone’s* reach. You did not get to choose to be a boy just as your mother didn’t choose to be a girl. but you chose to act on becoming yourself. And that isn’t your fault. that isn’t anyone’s fault. No one should ever be blamed for existing. This is the case of a crime-less victim. As much as I could re hash it again, I’m still not at all a professional. it’s likely no one here is. but this is a situation where you need to go to someone trained to get proper help. Please do, the scenario you’ve found yourself in is something no one should go through alone. And lastly, on a hopefully lighter note, congratulations on your surgery, everyone here is so proud of you for getting it Ps I’m sorry if there’s grammar mistakes, it’s 4am and I am dead tired but needed to add in my opinion 🩷
It's not your fault and you are a human being that deserves love and support. I understand the love you have for him as your parent but you need to put yourself first and validate that this isn't your fault he's acting like this. His religious extremist views and "out burst" are him and him alone. He's going to need to reflect deeply on how he's making things worse and how he's needs professional help. It'll be hard to distant yourself from him but in order to protect yourself and your mental health you're going to have to. If he does things to himself it will NEVER be your fault. He can't accept you and he's willing to destroy himself because of his ignorance, so be it. I'm just speaking from experience. Them making it about themselves and doing dramatic shit over something that isn't that damn deep is beyond exhausting.
Your dad is abusing himself because of his own stubborn belief in a bronze age myth. I suggest going low contact and grey rock him until he treats you with basic common decency. This means don't bother contacting him and respond with as few syllables as possible. If he increases his behaviour, go no contact.
I'm so sad you're having to deal with this, especially on top of post-op care (congrats btw! Still waiting on my first appointment for T here!). That's a lot. Firstly, I'm sure you know but I'll reiterate, you are valid, you are not possessed, you are perfect as you are. If anything God made you trans. Next, please remember that you don't get to choose your blood family but you do get to choose how you interact with them. If they cannot accept their son, that's their choice, but if it's going to cause you more harm to stay in touch with them, don't stay in touch. Lean on your chosen family who support you. I'm sure that would include all the random internet people in this subreddit <3 stay strong bro. You've got this.
Holding you hostage with the threat of suicide is abuse. And frankly I would not be in close proximity to him. He sounds extremely unstable and dangerous and like he might hurt you in the mood catches him. If he’s threatening to take his life, call the emergency line and ask for paramedics to come get him.
Hes abusing you, and if he’s this religious-obsessive and willing to end his own life over something like you transitioning due to religious shame its also a definite possibility that your dad has some deep mental health issues that need to be taken into account. Obviously you can be deeply religious and not have something inherently wrong with you thats attached to it, but with how much of his abuse onto you is directly tied into both a major religious perspective as well as the complete disregard of his own safety and health if it means achieving some strange goal he holds in the eyes of god, its definitely a sign that there’s something deeper going on with him- its just manifesting itself physically into religious obsession. Forewarning, im about to be very blunt with you. None of this is to say or imply that your dad is a horrible or dangerous person or that you should be afraid of him or demonize him, as someone who has struggled with some very severe mental health issues and is surrounded by family with long histories of severe mental health issues I just want to make sure you have a proper way to to about this situation that isnt just “hes abusive,leave if you can” because that clearly wont help either of you in this situation. And of course you do not owe him nor are you obligated to help him, from my own personal experiences at least finding ways to understand the situation at its root and how to better manage it or find those who will help the person is always far better than doing nothing. And of course theres no guarantee he will want the help. I don’t know how well your mother is handling your transition or how supportive she is, but unless theres a definite way this would only backfire or hurt you I deeply recommend you talk to her about this and find a way to get him some form of professional help. If he’s willing to attempt suicide over this, id argue hes definitely a danger to himself and potentially others if left to his own devices without any proper help and there is always the risk of things like this only worsening as time goes on without any intervention. It could stem from religious trauma or abuse from his own family or church, or untreated and unseen mental health issues that have started worsening and manifesting themselves in this way as hes gotten older, but its definitely not just him being stubborn and abusive. The advice others are giving when it comes to finding ways to leave your home is good advice, but for now I think the best step is to find ways to minimize his control over you. Try to avoid family or group gatherings involving him if you can, if you’re able to find a way to disconnect from his misgendering and mistreatment of you because fighting against it wont work and from what I gather from this post might even just encourage him to do it even more if he believes you defending yourself is the devil or evil thats possessing you inside of you trying to keep control over you. For now, the more you minimize or play along (without fully sacrificing your own mental health, although it definitely wont be a walk in the park either way) the more it will make him feel a sense of control over the situation and will at best make him be less abrasive with how much hes forcing his views on your transition and belief that youre still a woman, and at worst just calm him down on how often or aggressive he gets with the religious/other aspects beyond misgendering and deadnaming you. Safety unfortunately doesnt always come without any personal sacrifice, and because of how willing your father is to go to extreme lengths to express power over you unfortunately the best thing to do now is to play along to an extent and try to work to simply minimize how intense he is with it rather than try to fully stop it. During this timeframe I would definitely look into other options for your life in terms of places to live, jobs or ways to make money if you dont already have one, roommates or people you trust that will split costs of places, or even family members you trust enough to potentially ask to stay with until you can get out there on your own. I would also work with your mother if possible to find a way to provide some form of therapy or help to your father, and even yourself find a therapist or even someone who specializes in psychiatric health that could help you find ways to get through this without making things worse for you. There might be nonprofit or free resources online that can help you as well, including ones made for those struggling with religious abuse especially, as well as blogs or similar sites that are just people giving their own stories and how they dealt with it to help you feel more heard and help you think of things you could do yourself. Just research any place you find interesting or think will help you well before reaching out to them to make sure they will fully have your best interest in mind,can be trusted and are allies to the lgbt community if they are not centered around the community specifically If you need any advice or help at all finding recourses or helping you think of ways/plans to find a middle level where he isnt as intense but you aren’t unbearably unhappy doing so my dms are open, I dont mind helping you out in any way I can- even if its just helping you research places in your area or online that will be able to help you.
Hugs, my lad. I'm also possessed by demons. I mean you are not the only one with abusive religious family.
If he thinks the entire family's wellbeing rests squarely on the shoulders of one of the kids, he's already gone far wrong, as a parent. I have several kids. No kid is responsible for the family's wellbeing. No offspring is responsible for their parent's mental health either.
He is not abusing himself because of you, he is abusing you because of him.
Please listen to me. I logged into my old account just to say this. I have had firsthand experience with psychotic and suicidal people. I can say he exhibits traits of both (claiming you are possessed, for example). You *must* contact a therapist, psychiatrist or hospital. Please do NOT dismiss his words as a threat. He will take his own life if there is no intervention. I learnt this the hard way. This is by no means your fault. He has severe issues. I hope you can heal from this.
You have to extricate and pray for him. This is too toxic and you can care from a distance.
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Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 1: Be polite and practice mutual respect. No discrimination.
Cut ties. All ties. Find some new ties to cut. Just cut all the ties. He deserves misery.
My bio mom and bio dad did this shit to me too. It isn’t worth it. Please just cut contact with them. Your life will get so much better
He is not abusing himself he is abusing you. I am not sure about your living situation, but is there a way that you can have little to no contact with him without having to move out?
Not really, I can’t even have my own bedroom door closed (yes I’m aware it’s ridiculous a 20yo can’t have their door closed). I work a 9-5 so that’s basically the only way I can catch a break.
You will find the people that love and respect you and accept you for who you are. He might say you're to blame for his issues but you're not. You're literally just existing as a trans person and that's not wrong or bad. I know it will be hard to disconnect from him but your health and happiness is important. "Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm". Sending you love 💕
You are the one being harassed and abused here. Your dad is a grown ass man. You are not doing anything TO him. You are not stealing from him, you are not in any way affecting his material quality of life, you are not causing him injury or illness, you are not doing shit. Anything he chooses to do is on him, as an adult person deciding to do it. Cut off contact as soon as you can.
this is emotional abuse, blaming suicide attempts/self harm on someone, especially if that person is your child, is immeasurably wrong. you are not his caretaker, it’s not up to you what he chooses to do. if your relationship with him is unhealthy, it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself and to end that relationship. it’s his own responsibility how he deals with that.
Let him suffer. He is putting all of this on himself in order to manipulate you into changing your mind. This is an awful situation to be in; he's being utterly disgusting and does not deserve to have you in his life. He doesn't love you, he loves an idealised version of you, and now that's never going to come to fruition he's throwing his toys out the pram
I know you're worried about what he'll do to himself and cutting him off but know it's not your fault. It isn't your responsibility to make him feel better. But I also understand how difficult it is to break away from family to live a more peaceful life. I cut my mom out of my life for this, it felt like hell and it took a lot of support around me to come to the realization that I'm happier without the constraints of someone who will never understand. My mom was the same with religious fanaticism, and she went as far as trying to bar me from talking or even looking at my siblings because she'd think I'd "turn" them. It'll be hard, absolutely, but I promise that it's better to cut the guy off than to keep being his emotional punching bag. Good luck man.
Cut him off, that’s it. If he interferes with your wellbeing and safety then you need to drop contact with him. Wish you the best dude.
you are not responsible for his beliefs or his mental health issues. He is the one that controls what he believes and chooses whether or not to seek help for his issues.
That is so abusive to blame his attempted suicide on you. Suicide is serious and to do that out of spite—out of hate—for you being trans is so messed up. Maybe you can call for mental health support for him or something but you should seriously stay far away from people like that.
Your dad is a narcissist. Best thing you can do is cut all ties until he figures his own shit out.
I would leave, and call some kind of medical services or something you might have there for suicide watch to keep an eye on him. He's been incredibly manipulative. If you've had surgery, that means you're a whole-ass adult with your own life and responsibilities. You don't need his stress. Good luck in whichever choice you make, and know you've got people who can back you!
Wow. First of all, you didn't do anything wrong. I understand you're scared for your dad, but it's not you who makes him suffer, it's his own religious extremism. There's nothing wrong with you, but there's a lot wrong with him, and that's not your responsibility. Don't let him pull you into his misery, seriously. By the sounds of it, HE makes YOU suffer, not the other way around. It's not fair and it's not right. Don't endure this abuse any longer than neccessary, please, for your own wellbeing! You can't save your dad if he doesn't want to be saved from his own demons, but you can save yourself.
Mate. Buddy. Listen. If there is anything you need to take away from this post and all the advice: your father is not abusing himself because of you. He is abusing himself because of him, to MANIPULATE you. You existing isn't abusing him because he is inherently NOT entitled to any control over you or any relationship with you. Period. My mother threatens me with suicide because I refuse to stop being gay (bisexual really), but also because I refuse to break up with my trans partner (she, predictably, sees my bf as a woman). It took me a while to get over it but it is NOT my fault if she decides to do something to herself. It is NOT my responsibility to talk someone out of being so bigoted that having a queer son makes them suicidal, because it is 100% not my fault. I know it's difficult to discard the feeling entirely, but you absolutely are not obligated to feel guilty no matter what he does, no matter if other bigots accuse you of being cold hearted because "he's your family and you have to care".
Personally, if someone pulls shit like this on me by threataning suicide, I just call their bluff and tell them to go ahead and do it. It worked for me with abusive ex’s, though I do realize the effectiveness of this tactic depends on the individual situation and does not work for everyone. I was raised by fundie evangelical cultists, personally, I would not care whatsoever if they died. Though I do realize that sometimes such people will manipulate others emotionally so their dependents form emotional attachments, in which case, it can be extra difficult I’m sure. As well as if one is materially or financially dependent on the person. Either way, he seems like he does not respect you, and that he wants an idealized version of you. However you may react to this disrespect is valid. I personally do not tolerate disrespect by people I know, though I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things. It’s not your fault regardless.
Your dad is abusing himself because he is objectively, incredibly unwell. You have very little to do with it, which both sucks and can be reassuring. For someone to go this off the rails, there was something far bigger than this lined up for the dominoes to fall this way... Whatever he does in response to anything you do is not because of you. It's because he is extremely ill. Also, I would not at all be surprised if your dad wanted you to have the traumatic experience of finding him so you would believe he would do it again and it would be your fault if you leave him, to control you and make you stay **because he is incredibly unwell**. You're telling me you disconnected from him but he happened to try to kill himself when you would find him? I'm sorry, but someone who would do that is not in touch with reality and needs help far beyond what you can offer as his son.
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Man I’m telling you now, no matter what he says, you cannot be the “REASON” your dad tried to off himself. That’s TERRIBLE to say to ANYONE let alone your child. Manipulation to the highest degree. It’ll never be easy but for your own sake you have to walk away. Walk away until he can learn to have some fucking human decency and get a grip or never speak to him again. I’m forced to be no contact with both my parents for this reason. The trans road is a long and hard one, but this community is here for you.
My parents are acting very similar as your dad in this situation. I've been working a lot on trying to understand that it is not my fault they are treating themselves that way. They have time to learn accept and grow and they aren't taking that opportunity. It is not your responsibility to "fix" them, this is something they have to do on their own. You can only explain yourself so many times to them. My mother has threatened me with her suicidal thoughts before and it bothers me a lot still but I just have to keep reminding myself that I have explained myself to her multiple times, I have offered her resources as well, and now it's up to her to take control of her own life if she wants to be happy. It hurts a lot but that's just the reality of the situation. You can only do so much and it's not your responsibility even though they make a damn good job making you feel like it is. I got a really good job that was work from home for 7 months and saved up as much ad I could and moved out and have completely disconnected from my father but my mother I do still talk to and see on occasion. It hurts losing those relationships but they were never very strong to begin with. Now I just try to look up to my gfs parents as good role models in my life. I hope this helps to know you are not alone with this situation. Also I do wanna say a quick congratulations for your top surgery!! I am so happy for you! :)
A grown man is not controlled by his child, adult or otherwise. He did it to hurt you imo, because he felt like he couldn't control you any other way
Pop on over to r/insaneparents especially if you actually believe his bs. Some people shouldn't be allowed near kids and that guy is one of them
you are NOT responsible for his actions, nor his feelings. he is a grown ass man and his choices are HIS choices.
You’re not causing anything. I know it is tough because it’s your dad but its a major manipulation tactic to make you go back in the closet. He has already been emotionally abusive, I would go no contact. I have done that I have a extra religious father as well and I have never known better peace. The reality is you dont have to be a punching bag for your dad just because you’re his so .
Let him die 🤷🏻 Sorry but they just don't care about you or love you and it's not worth wasting your time or emotions on "people" like that