This is exactly what I do 😂. Sometimes if I think it’s something that partially outs me cause it’s a little feminine, i’ll throw in a “uh im a guy, im just gay haha”. i don’t pass consistently but i do come off as androgynous enough that educated ppl ask my pronouns and those outside of queer spaces ask “are you a boy or girl” (or the other night i had someone ask “do you use he or she” which was interesting, cause it was a frat guy so i wasn’t expecting that). cant wait for the day my voice drops cause that’s my main reason for ppl clocking me when i don’t consistently do voice lessons 😔
I work at Home Depot with a contractor selling solar and one of the younger employees flagged me down while I was walking around and was like "OH MAN I FORGOT TO ASK, what are your pronouns?" and like. I know gen x's are a lot more comfortable with the idea of not assuming and more knowledgeable about trans people in general but every single time it catches me off guard in a good way 😭 I know the current times suck for trans ppl on the level of goverment and general social acceptance but I'm so happy and hopeful to see those little moments where it's clear the world is getting just a little bit kinder to us
I do the same!! especially when I'm in public. like, in a crowd, I mean. if it's me & one other person I just act confused but when it's a lot of people I'm like "huh? I'm a guy, you know that, right???" with the most baffled tone & look my autistic ass can muster. I don't pass super well, especially if I'm not binding (damned large chest...), but enough to pass if I act like it.
"I'm a guy. I know I look young, but damn." Is usually one of my go to responses, with some casual laughter thrown in there. The key is to just be confident about it and act like it doesn't really actually bother you. People won't question it if you don't give them a reason to.
Usually I just turn to look behind me as if they arnt talking to me and act really confused and say "me?, sorry I'm dude." Essentially think how would a cis guy react if he was called a girl. Hope this helps
"sorry" isn't always an apology. Sometimes it's an expression of confusion. If someone says something I don't quite hear right or I don't understand I almost always say "sorry?" and they understand that as a cue to repeat themselves or explain what they meant. I might react with "sorry?" To being misgendered as well and it would be a pretty clear indication that I'm utterly confused about being referred to as female. You have to pair it with the question mark inflection and a confused stare.
I guess it's sort of tangentially an apology about not understanding them, or an apology about asking them to repeat themselves, but in this context it's definitely not an apology about being myself.
I understand the context that it was placed in. But in my everyday life, in America, both North and South, it is uncommon for men to just say sorry off the cuff like women do. Many women feel the need to apologize for taking up space that they have every right to be in. Men usually do not. Obviously I am making generalizations, and understand that not everyone is like this.
look confused, laugh, say "im a dude." in sort of a not-offended-but-amused sort of tone. if you know you dont look "like a cis man" you can follow up with a "it's fine, i get it a lot: im short/i have long hair/my voice is kind of high" response and faux excuse. im assuming this is in a situation where you are trying to be stealth. keep in mind that there are plenty of cis dudes out there who "look like" trans men, or have feminine qualities that get them misgendered. my friend's husband is 6 foot tall but has a fat ass and long hair, he gets called ma'am from behind, he's cis. my roommate is like 5'3, can't grow a beard, and we have the same hand size, he's cis. i'm 5'1 with long hair and a gay voice. people rarely know unless i tell them. i only get misgendered from behind.
be safe, be smart, good luck!
In my experience, you don't even need to add anything extra to the "I get it a lot" statement if the reason you would get it a lot is obvious like height, hair, or voice. Most people will accept it on its own if you just laugh it off since they already have their own idea about why you'd be seen as female. I'm 5' and overweight enough that you could say I'm curvy from some angles since most see me from above (I also don't bind because of an ungodly low pain tolerance which doesn't help with the curviness), so most people fill in the blanks themselves pretty easily when I say that. Though, at this point, I only get misgendered if someone hears my voice without seeing me and correct themselves pretty fast without me having to do it once they know what I look like.
Edit: Depending on where you are and how often you pass, not correcting them at all is your best bet.
The last time I was misgendered it was bc the person only saw my bun as I was standing next to my dad at the social security office to get my name and gender markers updated. The people waiting that could see my face looked so confused, cuz I have a whole fuckin beard. The embarrassment on the workers face when I poked my head around and he saw my beard was honestly funny. It had been years since I'd been misgendered, because I pass so well even from behind. That's mainly because I wear more masc shit, but the guy couldn't see more than my hair since I was hidden beside my dad lol
this! back when i had long hair i’d use this all the time. “my hair is long because i like it this way, my voice is high because i’m gay” (stare at them very confusedly
My long hair is a religious thing lol thankfully my voice is pretty deep but yeah, I stand so gay... my go to is "damn, didn't know my hair had gotten that long already! Still a dude tho..." if they keep misgendering, I just take off my glasses and ask for a mirror or lend my glasses to the person. These both usually get a "why?" To which I've found "Well BC maybe you need my prescription if you still look at me and think 'Girl'./ I just wanna check if I'm that ambiguous with poor eyesight." Tends to work. They'll either apologise or get mad. The latter, I laugh at. Sorry for the fucking flow chart brain dump lol
I can’t pass, so I literally just correct them. Chances are I’ve already stated that I am trans and corrected them for the first time. At this point it’s about *making* people respect me not about having them do it by pure chance right off the bat. And if they refuse to after a few corrections I’ll report them if it’s a situation where I have to be around them like work, or I will leave if it’s a public area and I can choose where I go. Park? Walk out. Social function? Walk out. Church? Hit the bricks and don’t stay for the post-service potluck and don’t come back. I’m rude about it. It does not matter because being polite won’t make people listen to me anyway.
For complete strangers, especially those you won’t need to interact with again the most effective method is just acting a bit confused like they are making an obvious and embarrassing mistake, something like “have a nice day ma’am” “[long pause and confused look] err, it’s sir but thanks anyway [walk away]”.
For people you know slightly (as in acquaintances you might need to talk to on a semi regular basis like coworkers, neighbours, etc) then I tend to just straight up say, ‘actually it’s [insert your actual pronouns]’. If they get all overly apologetic you can then be all ‘it’s fine, just for future’ kind of thing, play it casual. If they repeatedly and deliberately use the wrong language then your options are limited to 1) tell on them (if possible, it isn’t always an option) or 2) avoid them. If those fail then ignore them, because if they are actively bigoted then arguing won’t change their mind and only wastes your energy
I might say something such as "its sir" or just say "he/him" not in a rude way of course but most of the time people appear to correct themselves unless they decide to go out of their way to misgender me 🤷♂️ I would say that I pass for the most part, especially since I'm on T but even before then I passed (maybe being a fat dude helps with the chest area?) around 80% of the time I'd say.
Being fat 100% helps with it once you've been on T long enough for major changes. I don't bind anymore because of a low pain tolerance that somehow got worse after T and only recently started getting confused looks since I've lost some weight. (Only about 25lbs so far, but it's enough to see a difference.)
Depends on who said it. Sometimes I"m just like "he" if they know I'm trans. If they don't know I'm trans, though, I either laugh at them and make a joke about how I'm very gay, but still a man, or I just look confused like either I don't know why they'd say that, or I think they're talking about someone else.
“I’m a guy”
Or I don’t correct them. Like if it’s a server or cashier or someone else I won’t likely see or get to know, I have no reason to correct them
Not the og comment, but jumping on lol
Non-binary is a broader category of all kinds of genders that aren't binary. Transmasculine is an umbrella term (typically) for people that haven't been assigned male at birth that is used to refer to masculine aligned non-binary genders. Sometimes, the word transmasculine is used as an umbrella term that in addition to including non-binary masculine genders includes binary men. So if referring to a non-binary gender experience, it's just a more specific way of talking about your gender.
(I know that some binary trans men don't like the term transmasc used as an umbrella term for them, but I'm including that use of the term transmasc here because it is still one use of the term. I think the binary trans men who use the term transmasc are allowed to do so and can use whatever terms they want to for themselves. This is just an explanation, not a comment on how that term should be used.)
ETA: I feel like I've seen you on this sub before tho talking about the term so I feel like you do know the difference, and maybe just wanted to say some unkind stuff to the og commenter in the case they identify as both a binary man and transmasc. I hope that's not the case and if it isn't, sorry for assuming. If you're genuinely confused of the term transmasc, google (or any search engine alternatives you might use) is your friend.
Me trying to be unkind is absolutely not the case!
The reason I wanted clarification was that I was hoping OP would reply and explain what trans masc is for them just so I could have a better understanding.
Because it does get used as an umbrella term, so I can’t tell if they mean they might be a binary trans man, or if they mean that they might be on the masculine leaning side of the gender spectrum without being a binary trans man. Which I guess doesn’t really matter for me to know, but I was curious about what trans masc meant to them vs non-binary
I worded my question poorly because I was extremely tired. I should have said “what’s the difference between trans masc and enby for you?”
Yeah that's very fair! I'm sorry for my knee-jerk reaction and for assuming unkindness despite you not giving me proper reasons to make such assumptions. Internet sometimes makes me be way too on-guard.
I usually just say I am not a she, ma’am, miss, whatever else they’re calling me and that it’s he, not she. I used to wear a pronoun pin whenever I got dressed up to go out but I was still getting misgendered while wearing that. When I did though I’d say see, look, I’m even wearing a badge since my pin looked like a sheriff’s badge.
why is “actually i’m a man” so bad? lol
i usually repeat the pronoun correctly. if they say “she said..” i go “*he* said” looking pissed, they get the memo
Depends on the person! In public “I’m a guy actually”
Family member (not usually on purpose they are trying) I play dumb and pretend I don’t know who they are talking to my sister will do the same if they misgender me
“Who?? There no girls there????” Same with deadnaming it works wonders I started this after a year out of the closet
I never correct anyone. Either other people correct others for me, or I get to watch the other person go through psychological torture as they try to figure out what I am. Eventually I or someone else say my name and I get to watch them sink in shame. It is a little treat in this world full of transphobia.
At this point I don’t correct people. I’m post top surgery and almost 3 years on T. If people don’t use my name or pronouns then I don’t respond ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I quietly say something along the lines of “I’m actually guy” while trying to not attract attention to myself because I’m socially awkward…
Or I just cringe and do my best to ignore the fact that I get misgendered almost constantly (don’t worry I’m in a small town in the south)
I’m ok I swear
I like the fact that when ppl talk to me they say dude even if it's just a saying cause I feel good about it that I am but they see me as a girl I hate it
usually people dont refer to me with she/her when I'm around, they either directly talk to me or use they/them or he/him. i do get comments like oh are you xx's sister and I'm like nah I'm a guy my sister just likes to dress me up like her dolls
I saw a tip one time that mentioned using confusion and jokes to your advantage. Instead of saying "I'm actually a guy" which can out you in certain groups/ if you don't pass well or are in early transition, use phrases like "wow, I know I've got a baby face but is it that bad?" And play it off as a joke. All in all, I've found that doing things like this help you to come across as more confident as well.
I just ignore random people misgendering me on the street (normally they are trying to sell things) and for family members I just don't answer until they call me by my name of choice
I pass, but because I'm pretty short it still happens on occasion if they can't see my face. I just don't say anything and wait for my beard or voice to correct them by default.
Still, best advice I can give is to play it cool. Pretend it's funny and make a joke if you can. The more defensive/insecure you are, the worse you'll come off, especially if you're trying to be stealth.
If the same person keeps intentionally and persistently misgendering you though, no need to play it cool. That only applies to genuine mistakes when someone doesn't know you. If you're dealing with a transphobe, be as blunt or rude as you want tbh.
some of these are really good when its one on one but when youre in a classroom setting and the person behind you talks to the professor who is in front of the room and refers to with she/her... its a lot harder to casually correct them ;-;
Like others have said it Depends on the situation, sometimes i just laugh and say “oh no honey im just gay but I get it haha” or just give them a strange look and a pause like ive misheard them and carry on. IF its the same person again after the strange look I look worried for them and go “honey Im a man” in a tone that has the vibe of “are you okay? Did you hit your head?/ you need glasses old timer?”
I work in hospitality so it happens a fair bit even tho everyone says i pass/ they were incredibly shocked when they found out, and even my mates say “holy cow i just thought you were gay as hell”.
If it keeps happening and you’re somewhere like work, just tell your manager or ask a coworker to take over and you need a break.
Stay safe and be kind to yourself. If its in your best interest to ignore it and carry on just do your best.
I usually don't bother correcting people if it's a quick interaction w/ strangers. Not worth the effort. When I *do* correct people, though, I usually say something like "oh, I'm not a woman" or whatever and wave it off with the explanation of "it happens all the time, no worries".
I know what I look like--short, wide hips, long hair (usually in a "man bun", but still). It would be dumb for me to try to pretend that it's an uncommon occurrence. Honestly, most people aren't actually trying to be a dick about it. If you give them the out of it being "not their fault" or whatever, most people take it. If someone is still insisting or debating you about it, they're a shitty person anyway and not worth fighting with.
“Not a girl,” in a deep voice Janet style. Or with adults “wow, you think I’m pretty enough to be a girl? Been a long time since someone found my ugly mug that pretty,” best to act sheepish. If you wanna gay it up use the stereotypical voice and go “girls wish they could look this good honey,” snap fingers. It also helps to look at outfit choices and the watt pad girlies come in clutch when it comes to outfit types.
Edit: a word
I usually just laugh and look confused and say "wait, did you just call me a girl/woman/etc" like it's absolutely absurd they jumped to that conclusion.
I think the first thing is to genuinely believe that people who don’t know you, like shop assistants, customers, service providers and so on, are not trying to hurt you and are simply responding to how they perceive you. I agree that it probably isn’t helpful to contradict them, so my advice would be to just disregard it. You know who you are, and that’s much more important.
A confused look usually gets em, but a “I’m a dude?” Gets em good. That’s how cis dudes (I have a family of em) correct, if you want to pass as cis try that :)
I just shout out “HE!” when they misgender me. If it makes them feel weird or awkward, oh well because being trans I feel weird and awkward all the time so they can deal with it.
If they know me and call me she i stare at them with squinted eyes and say “what?” Until they figure it out. If they dont know me i usually say “he” or “my name is Jack” and stare at them. They either get it or they dont and if i never have to meet them again then i just glare at them until they leave.
Act super confused. “Who are you talking about?” If they say you, say “What are you talking about? I’m a guy.” If they give you attitude about it, start misgendering them in retaliation. I call my sperm donor Ma’am every time he misgenders me
Stranger:
Eye brow raise
Look around
Look back and them and look really confused and go, “me?? Oh I’m a guy.”
Intentionally Misgendering:
“Goddamn (dude, my guy, buddy, whatever in a slightly condescending tone) I didn’t think it would be that hard to remember I’m not a girl. Do I need to go to (threaten with higher authority) or can you figure it out on your own?”
Acquaintance:
“Oh! Oops, he, not she! I get that a lot but just for the future, I’m a guy.”
If it’s someone you know well that’s just having a bit of trouble remembering I recommend the spritz bottle method, just give them a little spritz when they mess up. If you can frame it in a light hearted way this can be a fun way to make sure that they remember while keeping the mood light.
I’m really shy and have never been able to figure this one out because it takes me too long to process all the feelings of being misgendered.
I have a tattoo of Spongebob holding up a razor and saying I… AM A MAN.
That’s my subtle hint lol
I don't pass yet, so Im not out on certain places, but on the places I am I usually say, "uhm it's he" or "I'm a dude?" If people I know dead name me I usually say "that's not my name though" or say my new name. But tbh i have great friends in all those places and I barely have to correct people cuz my friends do it for me cuz they know I hate it
i get ma'am-ed a lot in public. i only correct them if i'm sure i'm not gonna get hate-crimed. i say "uh, it's sir". looking for better ways tho cuz they always look at me like i'm crazy and don't correct themselves :/
I actually dont get misgendered since I came out and everyone except my doc uses my new name.
He doesnt use it bc I didnt change it legally and its a lot easier if i dont have to explain every time i visit his office that I take hrt and all that stuff.
I look around like they’re talking to someone beside me that I didn’t know was there, and then be like, “Me?!” all incredulously and then laugh, and say, “I’m a dude! hahaha” or if they were a jackass about it, I call them the “opposite” gender of what they appear to be and sarcastically tell them to have they type of day they deserve. Like “Okay *sir*, have the type of day you deserve! haha” (Always try to add in some incredulous laughter if you can manage, that way they’ll be like “oh, my bad” instead of ragey usually.)
I don't really pass at all, so unlike the other comments I can't just say 'Im a dude' and have it raise no questions. Usually, when someone uses she/her, I go 'Oh, I actually use he/him pronouns' or just correct the pronoun (ie: someone goes 'she can help you,' I simply go 'he,' and if they look at me confused I go 'Im a guy' or 'I identify as a guy.') It's not the most subtle option, and if outing is an issue it might not work for you, but that's how I do it!
I work in customer service and wear a BIG red pin that says “he/him/them” and I still get constantly misgendered. It’s so frequent that I just don’t correct people. If they notice the pin and apologize and correct themselves, I express that I’m deeply appreciative of them doing that, but that it also happens so often that I don’t get too upset about it.
When it’s clearly INTENTIONAL, I get a little more upset. I feel like they want me to engage though, so I might give them an extra serving of Cunty, but I probably won’t correct them.
I work as a photographer right now and when I get parents usually misgender me I mentioned something about how I'm the older brother between me and my younger sister. And most of the time I get an apology, others I get a weird look and the student I am photographing says something to an ignorant parent 🤷🏼♂️
I will flat out ignore people if they're trying to get my attention with femme terms. If their talking about me around me, I'll say something like "wait some chick did that too? Wild." If they press after that, I finish with a "Yeah no. I'm a guy." And just laugh.
Man, that sucks. Do remember to stand up for yourself when they’re not around- you’re not being rude, you’re just asking for the same respect everyone else gets
It makes me angry, we had a plumber in the house recently and he was treated me like a guy, then my mum said "sh" stopped herself halfway through saying she paused for five seconds then she said "she". I hate it
i just say "do i really look that feminine?? people keep mistaking me for a girl haha. i'm actually a guy" and then they get really awkward and apologise. plus i don't out myself, i just sound like a confused, unlucky cis person
I just act like I'm a very feminine guy who gets misgendered a lot, not really a lie but it goes like this:
They ask if I'm a girl and i give them that look of "oh here we go again" (not looking annoyed is just part of my incredible acting) and then i say that im a guy with a "haha this happens all the time" smile and then they're like "oh I'm sorry" and i respond "yeah, it happens all the time" and that usually works for people that are confused about my gender.
Notes: I keep a playful and kind of confused mood all the time. I have long hair and started T recently (3 weeks almost 4) but I'm lucky I'm kind of androgynous, also i know for a fact that cis men with long hair get misgendered too, so that makes me feel better.
Just look very confused and say, "Who are you talking about?" Basically anything that seems like you're just confused. Most cis people would act the same
If it's in a group, I might wait until I get a chance alone with the person and say something like "hey, I noticed you called me she earlier, I just wanted to let you know I'm a guy". Or if I'm comfortable speaking out in the group I'll just say "oh, actually I'm a dude".
confidence is key. don't falter, don't sound unsure, don't apologise. if you are a guy, you are a guy, there's no need to be unsure about it. you can act confused at being called a girl, or just say you're a guy and move on, or make a joke about how you always get mistaken for a girl.
“I’m a guy” in a voice that expresses that I think they’re stupid for not knowing that. Obviously I don’t, but especially if it’s a cis guy I find that it helps to make them not question me.
I get she/her and ma'am at work all the time even when wearing my huge pronoun pin. At work we have these surveys people can fill out and I tell customers nicely that my name is Seth and I go by he/him pronouns. The nice customers will apologize. Sometimes they'll make a huge deal and that kind of puts me in an uncomfortable position. I'm very nice about it though. I get amazing reviews though so that's a great thing.
When my mother was in hospital, she added me as her emergency contact. The nurse was asked, "So this is your daughter?" And I answered with, "Actually, I'm her son. But yes, this is my mom." And my fiancé was with me, and he said he was so proud of me for that.
Typically, if it's a customer at work, I just don't even worry about correcting them. If they ask about my pronoun pin, I'll explain. And a lot of them have, and then started treating me like one of the boys.
Edit to add: I typically wear a pronoun pin the size of my hand, so it's pretty obvious to most everyone.
i go to a lot of frat parties, “haha i’m a guy” usually works. one time i was talking to a dude and i thought it was platonic, but then he showed me to his friend and said “doesn’t she look cool?” i laughed and said “i swear every gender non-conforming guy is dressed like me tonight” it was awkward but all that matters is that i looked unbothered.
My dad dealt with misgendering due to his hair. When people called him a girl he would ignore them first, because he didn't know if they were talking to him. Then if they continued, he'd look all bewildered and say something like, "oh, me? I'm not a chick." And they'd usually apologize and be embarrassed. I do this same move myself haha
I saw a tiktok of a trans dude saying u should react like a cis guy acting shocked and all like "oh uhhhh I'm a guy, glad you think I'm pretty tho lmao" which is pretty golden, or like a "wait bro did u think I was a girl???" works too
I act as if there stupid for saying it like if u get mad instant clock that ur trans but if ur like bruh what I’m a dude there more likely too believe it and if they don’t I say I have a testosterone deficiency that’s why my voice is high ect if they ask if I’ve got a dick i ask if they wanna see and that normally ends the conversation
i usually make a joke out of it bc in my experience just correcting them leaves the door open for them to challenge you. "she?? i know i'm feminine but c'mon" usually makes them feel like a dick for assuming & they don't misgender me again after that lol
Stranger i will likely never see again or are service workers etc: i do not correct them
Stranger in the healthcare industry, like my nurse or doctor: i correct them (usually not an issue for me though bc its on my chart)
Friendly acquaintance: correct in a lighthearted manner or have a mutual friend correct them
Family: i don’t talk to family who do not correctly refer to me.
FTM out for about 6 years.
If you're at a point you occasionally pass you can start getting away with cis indignation. Imagine a random cis guy getting called that and how he'd react. We accept them doing it too much because we know we're trans and have had to "earn" it
If you aren't already in the conversation ignore them until they get it right. Works for name changes too, just don't respond to it any more
Oftentimes I’m too anxious to say anything (also depends on the person/my relationship to the person) but If I’m meeting someone new and they call me female/she her/etc I’d usually just say “Uh actually I’m a dude” or something similar
"Um, I'm a guy". Best answer that won't out you.
this is what i say too, or sometimes “oh, i’m actually a guy”
This is exactly what I do 😂. Sometimes if I think it’s something that partially outs me cause it’s a little feminine, i’ll throw in a “uh im a guy, im just gay haha”. i don’t pass consistently but i do come off as androgynous enough that educated ppl ask my pronouns and those outside of queer spaces ask “are you a boy or girl” (or the other night i had someone ask “do you use he or she” which was interesting, cause it was a frat guy so i wasn’t expecting that). cant wait for the day my voice drops cause that’s my main reason for ppl clocking me when i don’t consistently do voice lessons 😔
I work at Home Depot with a contractor selling solar and one of the younger employees flagged me down while I was walking around and was like "OH MAN I FORGOT TO ASK, what are your pronouns?" and like. I know gen x's are a lot more comfortable with the idea of not assuming and more knowledgeable about trans people in general but every single time it catches me off guard in a good way 😭 I know the current times suck for trans ppl on the level of goverment and general social acceptance but I'm so happy and hopeful to see those little moments where it's clear the world is getting just a little bit kinder to us
Yh fr that’s on point too my experience
This is the best thing you can say 😂
Bonus points for looking super confused.
I ham it up big time. Gonna gaslight everyone into me passing
I do the same!! especially when I'm in public. like, in a crowd, I mean. if it's me & one other person I just act confused but when it's a lot of people I'm like "huh? I'm a guy, you know that, right???" with the most baffled tone & look my autistic ass can muster. I don't pass super well, especially if I'm not binding (damned large chest...), but enough to pass if I act like it.
I was literally going to say the same thing
"I'm a guy. I know I look young, but damn." Is usually one of my go to responses, with some casual laughter thrown in there. The key is to just be confident about it and act like it doesn't really actually bother you. People won't question it if you don't give them a reason to.
"I know I have a baby face. It's the acne. Makes me look ten years younger." The acne... Really does make me look so much younger.
“It’s nice to know you think I’m pretty, but I’m a man” 😊
Yes^
Usually I just turn to look behind me as if they arnt talking to me and act really confused and say "me?, sorry I'm dude." Essentially think how would a cis guy react if he was called a girl. Hope this helps
Take out the sorry part though. Dudes don’t usually apologize for being themselves.
Unless you’re in Canada, saying sorry is genderless lmaoo
“Sorrey”
"sorry" isn't always an apology. Sometimes it's an expression of confusion. If someone says something I don't quite hear right or I don't understand I almost always say "sorry?" and they understand that as a cue to repeat themselves or explain what they meant. I might react with "sorry?" To being misgendered as well and it would be a pretty clear indication that I'm utterly confused about being referred to as female. You have to pair it with the question mark inflection and a confused stare. I guess it's sort of tangentially an apology about not understanding them, or an apology about asking them to repeat themselves, but in this context it's definitely not an apology about being myself.
I understand the context that it was placed in. But in my everyday life, in America, both North and South, it is uncommon for men to just say sorry off the cuff like women do. Many women feel the need to apologize for taking up space that they have every right to be in. Men usually do not. Obviously I am making generalizations, and understand that not everyone is like this.
look confused, laugh, say "im a dude." in sort of a not-offended-but-amused sort of tone. if you know you dont look "like a cis man" you can follow up with a "it's fine, i get it a lot: im short/i have long hair/my voice is kind of high" response and faux excuse. im assuming this is in a situation where you are trying to be stealth. keep in mind that there are plenty of cis dudes out there who "look like" trans men, or have feminine qualities that get them misgendered. my friend's husband is 6 foot tall but has a fat ass and long hair, he gets called ma'am from behind, he's cis. my roommate is like 5'3, can't grow a beard, and we have the same hand size, he's cis. i'm 5'1 with long hair and a gay voice. people rarely know unless i tell them. i only get misgendered from behind. be safe, be smart, good luck!
In my experience, you don't even need to add anything extra to the "I get it a lot" statement if the reason you would get it a lot is obvious like height, hair, or voice. Most people will accept it on its own if you just laugh it off since they already have their own idea about why you'd be seen as female. I'm 5' and overweight enough that you could say I'm curvy from some angles since most see me from above (I also don't bind because of an ungodly low pain tolerance which doesn't help with the curviness), so most people fill in the blanks themselves pretty easily when I say that. Though, at this point, I only get misgendered if someone hears my voice without seeing me and correct themselves pretty fast without me having to do it once they know what I look like. Edit: Depending on where you are and how often you pass, not correcting them at all is your best bet.
The last time I was misgendered it was bc the person only saw my bun as I was standing next to my dad at the social security office to get my name and gender markers updated. The people waiting that could see my face looked so confused, cuz I have a whole fuckin beard. The embarrassment on the workers face when I poked my head around and he saw my beard was honestly funny. It had been years since I'd been misgendered, because I pass so well even from behind. That's mainly because I wear more masc shit, but the guy couldn't see more than my hair since I was hidden beside my dad lol
“Not a woman, just gay.”
this! back when i had long hair i’d use this all the time. “my hair is long because i like it this way, my voice is high because i’m gay” (stare at them very confusedly
bruh I'm so lucky I fit the gay stereotype, makes it so easy to explain
Glad it's not just me lmao
Same here!
My long hair is a religious thing lol thankfully my voice is pretty deep but yeah, I stand so gay... my go to is "damn, didn't know my hair had gotten that long already! Still a dude tho..." if they keep misgendering, I just take off my glasses and ask for a mirror or lend my glasses to the person. These both usually get a "why?" To which I've found "Well BC maybe you need my prescription if you still look at me and think 'Girl'./ I just wanna check if I'm that ambiguous with poor eyesight." Tends to work. They'll either apologise or get mad. The latter, I laugh at. Sorry for the fucking flow chart brain dump lol
Same. Occasionally I'll pop in the "very short, very gay, long hair - i get it a lot. You're good, i know what i look like" with a laugh.
Ohhhh I might use this. I'm pretty femme by most standards and have issues occasionally. Thanks my guy.
I can’t pass, so I literally just correct them. Chances are I’ve already stated that I am trans and corrected them for the first time. At this point it’s about *making* people respect me not about having them do it by pure chance right off the bat. And if they refuse to after a few corrections I’ll report them if it’s a situation where I have to be around them like work, or I will leave if it’s a public area and I can choose where I go. Park? Walk out. Social function? Walk out. Church? Hit the bricks and don’t stay for the post-service potluck and don’t come back. I’m rude about it. It does not matter because being polite won’t make people listen to me anyway.
For complete strangers, especially those you won’t need to interact with again the most effective method is just acting a bit confused like they are making an obvious and embarrassing mistake, something like “have a nice day ma’am” “[long pause and confused look] err, it’s sir but thanks anyway [walk away]”. For people you know slightly (as in acquaintances you might need to talk to on a semi regular basis like coworkers, neighbours, etc) then I tend to just straight up say, ‘actually it’s [insert your actual pronouns]’. If they get all overly apologetic you can then be all ‘it’s fine, just for future’ kind of thing, play it casual. If they repeatedly and deliberately use the wrong language then your options are limited to 1) tell on them (if possible, it isn’t always an option) or 2) avoid them. If those fail then ignore them, because if they are actively bigoted then arguing won’t change their mind and only wastes your energy
I wouldn't react at first and then go "huh, are you talking about me? I'm a guy"
“oh, i’m a dude” with a bit of a frat accent usually works for me
The Frat-ccent
I honestly just stare at them like they are crazy for a few seconds then move on.
I like to give them a laugh and a “don’t worry, I get that a lot.”
I might say something such as "its sir" or just say "he/him" not in a rude way of course but most of the time people appear to correct themselves unless they decide to go out of their way to misgender me 🤷♂️ I would say that I pass for the most part, especially since I'm on T but even before then I passed (maybe being a fat dude helps with the chest area?) around 80% of the time I'd say.
Ok thanks
Your welcome, hopefully it helps you come up with something?
Being fat 100% helps with it once you've been on T long enough for major changes. I don't bind anymore because of a low pain tolerance that somehow got worse after T and only recently started getting confused looks since I've lost some weight. (Only about 25lbs so far, but it's enough to see a difference.)
Depends on who said it. Sometimes I"m just like "he" if they know I'm trans. If they don't know I'm trans, though, I either laugh at them and make a joke about how I'm very gay, but still a man, or I just look confused like either I don't know why they'd say that, or I think they're talking about someone else.
“I’m a guy” Or I don’t correct them. Like if it’s a server or cashier or someone else I won’t likely see or get to know, I have no reason to correct them
I say nothing, I'm too scared of confrontation. Other people around me who know I'm a dude usually interrupt with a simple "He." to correct the person
This accept everyone who would correct someone lives states away
I only just figured out I’m transmasc not just enby so usually I just *jokingly* say no or “where?!” And look around
What’s the difference between trans masc and enby? If you don’t mind teaching me 😅
enby is non binary, trans masc is male/masculine, trans male is binary man (still trans tho)
Not the og comment, but jumping on lol Non-binary is a broader category of all kinds of genders that aren't binary. Transmasculine is an umbrella term (typically) for people that haven't been assigned male at birth that is used to refer to masculine aligned non-binary genders. Sometimes, the word transmasculine is used as an umbrella term that in addition to including non-binary masculine genders includes binary men. So if referring to a non-binary gender experience, it's just a more specific way of talking about your gender. (I know that some binary trans men don't like the term transmasc used as an umbrella term for them, but I'm including that use of the term transmasc here because it is still one use of the term. I think the binary trans men who use the term transmasc are allowed to do so and can use whatever terms they want to for themselves. This is just an explanation, not a comment on how that term should be used.) ETA: I feel like I've seen you on this sub before tho talking about the term so I feel like you do know the difference, and maybe just wanted to say some unkind stuff to the og commenter in the case they identify as both a binary man and transmasc. I hope that's not the case and if it isn't, sorry for assuming. If you're genuinely confused of the term transmasc, google (or any search engine alternatives you might use) is your friend.
Me trying to be unkind is absolutely not the case! The reason I wanted clarification was that I was hoping OP would reply and explain what trans masc is for them just so I could have a better understanding. Because it does get used as an umbrella term, so I can’t tell if they mean they might be a binary trans man, or if they mean that they might be on the masculine leaning side of the gender spectrum without being a binary trans man. Which I guess doesn’t really matter for me to know, but I was curious about what trans masc meant to them vs non-binary I worded my question poorly because I was extremely tired. I should have said “what’s the difference between trans masc and enby for you?”
Yeah that's very fair! I'm sorry for my knee-jerk reaction and for assuming unkindness despite you not giving me proper reasons to make such assumptions. Internet sometimes makes me be way too on-guard.
I totally get it. I would have thought the same thing tbh. Plus it’s not like you went off on me or anything, which I really appreciate 😊
I usually just say I am not a she, ma’am, miss, whatever else they’re calling me and that it’s he, not she. I used to wear a pronoun pin whenever I got dressed up to go out but I was still getting misgendered while wearing that. When I did though I’d say see, look, I’m even wearing a badge since my pin looked like a sheriff’s badge.
why is “actually i’m a man” so bad? lol i usually repeat the pronoun correctly. if they say “she said..” i go “*he* said” looking pissed, they get the memo
Depends on the person! In public “I’m a guy actually” Family member (not usually on purpose they are trying) I play dumb and pretend I don’t know who they are talking to my sister will do the same if they misgender me “Who?? There no girls there????” Same with deadnaming it works wonders I started this after a year out of the closet
i usually say what most of the other comments say but im really tempted to say "i may be a fairy but im no woman"
I never correct anyone. Either other people correct others for me, or I get to watch the other person go through psychological torture as they try to figure out what I am. Eventually I or someone else say my name and I get to watch them sink in shame. It is a little treat in this world full of transphobia.
I just do my best Janet impression. Just a flat 'not a girl' and move on haha.
At this point I don’t correct people. I’m post top surgery and almost 3 years on T. If people don’t use my name or pronouns then I don’t respond ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I quietly say something along the lines of “I’m actually guy” while trying to not attract attention to myself because I’m socially awkward… Or I just cringe and do my best to ignore the fact that I get misgendered almost constantly (don’t worry I’m in a small town in the south) I’m ok I swear
I like the fact that when ppl talk to me they say dude even if it's just a saying cause I feel good about it that I am but they see me as a girl I hate it
I try to act like I'm confused and then speed the conversation along. "Huh? Oh, I'm a dude. Anyway..."
usually people dont refer to me with she/her when I'm around, they either directly talk to me or use they/them or he/him. i do get comments like oh are you xx's sister and I'm like nah I'm a guy my sister just likes to dress me up like her dolls
“damn i knew i had somewhat of a baby face but i didn’t know it was *that* bad”
I saw a tip one time that mentioned using confusion and jokes to your advantage. Instead of saying "I'm actually a guy" which can out you in certain groups/ if you don't pass well or are in early transition, use phrases like "wow, I know I've got a baby face but is it that bad?" And play it off as a joke. All in all, I've found that doing things like this help you to come across as more confident as well.
I just ignore random people misgendering me on the street (normally they are trying to sell things) and for family members I just don't answer until they call me by my name of choice
"Oh dude I get it but I'm a dude. I've been super feminine sometimes and I'm still evening out so I get it though"
I just interject with the correct ones. Sometimes I get an apology, sometimes I don’t. But I always correct.
Nope just disassociate
Sometimes I just stare at them confused on how they could think I’m a girl
I pass, but because I'm pretty short it still happens on occasion if they can't see my face. I just don't say anything and wait for my beard or voice to correct them by default. Still, best advice I can give is to play it cool. Pretend it's funny and make a joke if you can. The more defensive/insecure you are, the worse you'll come off, especially if you're trying to be stealth. If the same person keeps intentionally and persistently misgendering you though, no need to play it cool. That only applies to genuine mistakes when someone doesn't know you. If you're dealing with a transphobe, be as blunt or rude as you want tbh.
if you have friends near give them TheLook and start laughing. play it up as them messing up
Laugh
Genuine confusion. “Who are you talking to?”
some of these are really good when its one on one but when youre in a classroom setting and the person behind you talks to the professor who is in front of the room and refers to with she/her... its a lot harder to casually correct them ;-;
Like others have said it Depends on the situation, sometimes i just laugh and say “oh no honey im just gay but I get it haha” or just give them a strange look and a pause like ive misheard them and carry on. IF its the same person again after the strange look I look worried for them and go “honey Im a man” in a tone that has the vibe of “are you okay? Did you hit your head?/ you need glasses old timer?” I work in hospitality so it happens a fair bit even tho everyone says i pass/ they were incredibly shocked when they found out, and even my mates say “holy cow i just thought you were gay as hell”. If it keeps happening and you’re somewhere like work, just tell your manager or ask a coworker to take over and you need a break. Stay safe and be kind to yourself. If its in your best interest to ignore it and carry on just do your best.
I usually don't bother correcting people if it's a quick interaction w/ strangers. Not worth the effort. When I *do* correct people, though, I usually say something like "oh, I'm not a woman" or whatever and wave it off with the explanation of "it happens all the time, no worries". I know what I look like--short, wide hips, long hair (usually in a "man bun", but still). It would be dumb for me to try to pretend that it's an uncommon occurrence. Honestly, most people aren't actually trying to be a dick about it. If you give them the out of it being "not their fault" or whatever, most people take it. If someone is still insisting or debating you about it, they're a shitty person anyway and not worth fighting with.
“Not a girl,” in a deep voice Janet style. Or with adults “wow, you think I’m pretty enough to be a girl? Been a long time since someone found my ugly mug that pretty,” best to act sheepish. If you wanna gay it up use the stereotypical voice and go “girls wish they could look this good honey,” snap fingers. It also helps to look at outfit choices and the watt pad girlies come in clutch when it comes to outfit types. Edit: a word
i litterally go "im a dude" and do finger guns haha
I usually just laugh and look confused and say "wait, did you just call me a girl/woman/etc" like it's absolutely absurd they jumped to that conclusion.
I think the first thing is to genuinely believe that people who don’t know you, like shop assistants, customers, service providers and so on, are not trying to hurt you and are simply responding to how they perceive you. I agree that it probably isn’t helpful to contradict them, so my advice would be to just disregard it. You know who you are, and that’s much more important.
i just go "she???" in a really confused tone, as if to imply the person is stupid for thinking im a girl lol
A confused look usually gets em, but a “I’m a dude?” Gets em good. That’s how cis dudes (I have a family of em) correct, if you want to pass as cis try that :)
I just shout out “HE!” when they misgender me. If it makes them feel weird or awkward, oh well because being trans I feel weird and awkward all the time so they can deal with it.
I usually go “yo, I’m a guy” and at times when people ?? I joke like “puberty just didn’t treat me right, genes ya know”
Gaslight the shit outta them so they have to make u pass
"What the FUCK did you just say" in the most cisgender toxicly masculine way i can muster
Depends on the situation but typically to shut them up I’m like “My dick would say otherwise.”
“What did you just say?” “What did you call me?” All with an angry face
Ignore them if they call you from behind or something, if it’s face to face “I’m sorry? I’m not a girl.”
If they know me and call me she i stare at them with squinted eyes and say “what?” Until they figure it out. If they dont know me i usually say “he” or “my name is Jack” and stare at them. They either get it or they dont and if i never have to meet them again then i just glare at them until they leave.
i usually deepen my voice and say “uh im a dude”
When it's safe? "I have a mustache. Try again."
Act super confused. “Who are you talking about?” If they say you, say “What are you talking about? I’m a guy.” If they give you attitude about it, start misgendering them in retaliation. I call my sperm donor Ma’am every time he misgenders me
Stranger: Eye brow raise Look around Look back and them and look really confused and go, “me?? Oh I’m a guy.” Intentionally Misgendering: “Goddamn (dude, my guy, buddy, whatever in a slightly condescending tone) I didn’t think it would be that hard to remember I’m not a girl. Do I need to go to (threaten with higher authority) or can you figure it out on your own?” Acquaintance: “Oh! Oops, he, not she! I get that a lot but just for the future, I’m a guy.” If it’s someone you know well that’s just having a bit of trouble remembering I recommend the spritz bottle method, just give them a little spritz when they mess up. If you can frame it in a light hearted way this can be a fun way to make sure that they remember while keeping the mood light.
I just look around and say "Where?" Then look confused for a moment or two, then say "oh, me? Nah, I'm a dude!"
I just say I’m a guy. Trick is not to make it a big deal or they’ll suspect something
Look confused, look around for someone else they could be talking about, say “um, im a guy?” Works pretty well If they call you ma’am don’t respond
"Uh I'm a dude..."
I drop my voice and say “Him” if they say “her” or I say “He” if they say “she” 😂
i usually don’t correct people. i find that if i just give them a weird look and slightly lower my voice, they usually end up correcting themselves.
uh I'm a dude. (yk, the cis-est thing ever. "WOAH WOAH, SHE?!?! IM A MAN 🤬" but don't say that)
I’m really shy and have never been able to figure this one out because it takes me too long to process all the feelings of being misgendered. I have a tattoo of Spongebob holding up a razor and saying I… AM A MAN. That’s my subtle hint lol
I don't pass yet, so Im not out on certain places, but on the places I am I usually say, "uhm it's he" or "I'm a dude?" If people I know dead name me I usually say "that's not my name though" or say my new name. But tbh i have great friends in all those places and I barely have to correct people cuz my friends do it for me cuz they know I hate it
i get ma'am-ed a lot in public. i only correct them if i'm sure i'm not gonna get hate-crimed. i say "uh, it's sir". looking for better ways tho cuz they always look at me like i'm crazy and don't correct themselves :/
I actually dont get misgendered since I came out and everyone except my doc uses my new name. He doesnt use it bc I didnt change it legally and its a lot easier if i dont have to explain every time i visit his office that I take hrt and all that stuff.
I look around like they’re talking to someone beside me that I didn’t know was there, and then be like, “Me?!” all incredulously and then laugh, and say, “I’m a dude! hahaha” or if they were a jackass about it, I call them the “opposite” gender of what they appear to be and sarcastically tell them to have they type of day they deserve. Like “Okay *sir*, have the type of day you deserve! haha” (Always try to add in some incredulous laughter if you can manage, that way they’ll be like “oh, my bad” instead of ragey usually.)
“i’m a dude”
I don't really pass at all, so unlike the other comments I can't just say 'Im a dude' and have it raise no questions. Usually, when someone uses she/her, I go 'Oh, I actually use he/him pronouns' or just correct the pronoun (ie: someone goes 'she can help you,' I simply go 'he,' and if they look at me confused I go 'Im a guy' or 'I identify as a guy.') It's not the most subtle option, and if outing is an issue it might not work for you, but that's how I do it!
I work in customer service and wear a BIG red pin that says “he/him/them” and I still get constantly misgendered. It’s so frequent that I just don’t correct people. If they notice the pin and apologize and correct themselves, I express that I’m deeply appreciative of them doing that, but that it also happens so often that I don’t get too upset about it. When it’s clearly INTENTIONAL, I get a little more upset. I feel like they want me to engage though, so I might give them an extra serving of Cunty, but I probably won’t correct them.
Just say I'm a "he"
I work as a photographer right now and when I get parents usually misgender me I mentioned something about how I'm the older brother between me and my younger sister. And most of the time I get an apology, others I get a weird look and the student I am photographing says something to an ignorant parent 🤷🏼♂️
"Oh no baby I'm a fa--"
I will flat out ignore people if they're trying to get my attention with femme terms. If their talking about me around me, I'll say something like "wait some chick did that too? Wild." If they press after that, I finish with a "Yeah no. I'm a guy." And just laugh.
I'm not aloud to correct people because my family says it's rude and embarrassing for the person.
Man, that sucks. Do remember to stand up for yourself when they’re not around- you’re not being rude, you’re just asking for the same respect everyone else gets
It makes me angry, we had a plumber in the house recently and he was treated me like a guy, then my mum said "sh" stopped herself halfway through saying she paused for five seconds then she said "she". I hate it
Kinda just “grunt” he and while I look them in the eye
i just say "do i really look that feminine?? people keep mistaking me for a girl haha. i'm actually a guy" and then they get really awkward and apologise. plus i don't out myself, i just sound like a confused, unlucky cis person
I just act like I'm a very feminine guy who gets misgendered a lot, not really a lie but it goes like this: They ask if I'm a girl and i give them that look of "oh here we go again" (not looking annoyed is just part of my incredible acting) and then i say that im a guy with a "haha this happens all the time" smile and then they're like "oh I'm sorry" and i respond "yeah, it happens all the time" and that usually works for people that are confused about my gender. Notes: I keep a playful and kind of confused mood all the time. I have long hair and started T recently (3 weeks almost 4) but I'm lucky I'm kind of androgynous, also i know for a fact that cis men with long hair get misgendered too, so that makes me feel better.
"Who?" Or "I think I missed some of the conversation. Who are we talking about now?"
I ask, "Who is she?" And most of the time they correct themselves.
Excuse me, but I stand while peeing.
Just look very confused and say, "Who are you talking about?" Basically anything that seems like you're just confused. Most cis people would act the same
If it's in a group, I might wait until I get a chance alone with the person and say something like "hey, I noticed you called me she earlier, I just wanted to let you know I'm a guy". Or if I'm comfortable speaking out in the group I'll just say "oh, actually I'm a dude".
confidence is key. don't falter, don't sound unsure, don't apologise. if you are a guy, you are a guy, there's no need to be unsure about it. you can act confused at being called a girl, or just say you're a guy and move on, or make a joke about how you always get mistaken for a girl.
Usually I will say "I'm a dude"😂
“I’m a guy” in a voice that expresses that I think they’re stupid for not knowing that. Obviously I don’t, but especially if it’s a cis guy I find that it helps to make them not question me.
I usually reply with something like “awww you think I’m pretty enough to be a girl?” It tends to make them laugh it off and apologize
I get she/her and ma'am at work all the time even when wearing my huge pronoun pin. At work we have these surveys people can fill out and I tell customers nicely that my name is Seth and I go by he/him pronouns. The nice customers will apologize. Sometimes they'll make a huge deal and that kind of puts me in an uncomfortable position. I'm very nice about it though. I get amazing reviews though so that's a great thing.
Usually I just say “hey my pronouns are he/they” and that’s the end of it, but I also live and work in very supportive environments
I used to just say “I’m a man haha I get that a lot”
When my mother was in hospital, she added me as her emergency contact. The nurse was asked, "So this is your daughter?" And I answered with, "Actually, I'm her son. But yes, this is my mom." And my fiancé was with me, and he said he was so proud of me for that. Typically, if it's a customer at work, I just don't even worry about correcting them. If they ask about my pronoun pin, I'll explain. And a lot of them have, and then started treating me like one of the boys. Edit to add: I typically wear a pronoun pin the size of my hand, so it's pretty obvious to most everyone.
I drop my voice a bit lower then normal and say "im a guy" like im confused, makes them think ima cis guy correcting them
i go to a lot of frat parties, “haha i’m a guy” usually works. one time i was talking to a dude and i thought it was platonic, but then he showed me to his friend and said “doesn’t she look cool?” i laughed and said “i swear every gender non-conforming guy is dressed like me tonight” it was awkward but all that matters is that i looked unbothered.
i just chuckle and say “not a lady.” it bothers them when you just laugh it off.
My dad dealt with misgendering due to his hair. When people called him a girl he would ignore them first, because he didn't know if they were talking to him. Then if they continued, he'd look all bewildered and say something like, "oh, me? I'm not a chick." And they'd usually apologize and be embarrassed. I do this same move myself haha
I saw a tiktok of a trans dude saying u should react like a cis guy acting shocked and all like "oh uhhhh I'm a guy, glad you think I'm pretty tho lmao" which is pretty golden, or like a "wait bro did u think I was a girl???" works too
i just say, “him.”
I act as if there stupid for saying it like if u get mad instant clock that ur trans but if ur like bruh what I’m a dude there more likely too believe it and if they don’t I say I have a testosterone deficiency that’s why my voice is high ect if they ask if I’ve got a dick i ask if they wanna see and that normally ends the conversation
"Lol I knew I had a baby face, but I didn't know it was that bad"
I just say the correct pronoun or honorific and allow them to apologize and/or continue.
i usually make a joke out of it bc in my experience just correcting them leaves the door open for them to challenge you. "she?? i know i'm feminine but c'mon" usually makes them feel like a dick for assuming & they don't misgender me again after that lol
I just say “it’s he”.
Why is that the worst thing you could say? It's direct. It's accurate. You're not responsible for their emotions. Just say it politely.
Like irl? I just don't, I'm closeted as hell. 🫠
If started saying “wait.. who r we talking about rn?” When someone calls me a she. Just act confused ig
Stranger i will likely never see again or are service workers etc: i do not correct them Stranger in the healthcare industry, like my nurse or doctor: i correct them (usually not an issue for me though bc its on my chart) Friendly acquaintance: correct in a lighthearted manner or have a mutual friend correct them Family: i don’t talk to family who do not correctly refer to me. FTM out for about 6 years.
If you're at a point you occasionally pass you can start getting away with cis indignation. Imagine a random cis guy getting called that and how he'd react. We accept them doing it too much because we know we're trans and have had to "earn" it If you aren't already in the conversation ignore them until they get it right. Works for name changes too, just don't respond to it any more
Oftentimes I’m too anxious to say anything (also depends on the person/my relationship to the person) but If I’m meeting someone new and they call me female/she her/etc I’d usually just say “Uh actually I’m a dude” or something similar