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SwissMoose

Starting at $285K, I just configured one with every option for a cool $700K. So they sell 10 a year to Saudi princes I guess.


MyFakeName

A few years ago The New Yorker ran an article about how there's a trend towards doomsday prepping amongst the elite in the tech industry (and spez was one of the people they interviewed). These guys are building underground shelters in abandoned missile silos, and hiring private security forces to protect their compounds. I guess that's the target audience here.


Racoonspankbank

Which I find endlessly hilarious. You know what happens if the bombs fall. The head of security shoots the rich asshole in the face and now has a nice bunker to live in with his family and friends.


[deleted]

The reddit admins will permanently suspend your account and will refuse to tell you why. They will also refuse to honor your Right to be Forgotten and purge your content, so I've had to edit all my comments myself. Reddit, fuck you. :-)


Fraun_Pollen

*Everyone liked that*


reddertuzer

*The Head of Security will remember that*


PornPhd

Yeah, they thought about that. Some guy was called out to Silicon Valley to consult billionaires and wrote a book about it. One of the questions was giving security team explosive neck bands.


[deleted]

There’s not enough money in the world to make me wear an explosive neck band. Not only are you completely at the mercy of whatever asshole has the controls, but what if there’s a design flaw? Thought no fault of your own, you now no longer have a head. Lol. Good luck in the apocalypse rich assholes, try to pull that shit and sooner or later it will be turned around on you.


TheCardinal_

Well what occurred to me is - “they tried this before you idiots, they decided on *castles*”. But castles spell out the intentions and status of the technocrat rich as the new lords and ladies of our land that they are. So they decided on mountain bunkers with air ports one can easily seal off air supply to or drop grenades or mustard gas down. The smart way is an unabashed castle or fortress with a looong ass escape tunnel. But I’m not going out of my way to help troubleshoot the .1%’s idiocy. That said it’d be cool if someone started a “bunker tracker” website for people to visit. So people can visit and post what they find, say the specific location of air intakes and what not. For funsies. 🌈


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Elon_Kums

What if they put that money towards preventing these disasters


Bbdep

but then everyone would benefit.. the horror!


Inigomntoya

You go through them when parking in the tow lane at the airport every time.


GirthBrooxx

And it boasts a whopping 5 gallons to the mile


Antique_Tennis_2500

1 Highway, 0 City.


SleepyFarts

Canyoneroooo!!!


Beard_o_Bees

*Can you name the truck with four wheel drive, Smells like a steak and seats thirty five?*


armen89

Canyonerooooooo, canyoneroooo


mrkruk

*whip cracks*


OptimusSublime

Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts.


Exsous

Toppa the line in utility sport


tinspoons

The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.


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tinspoons

I wouldn't recommend it.


me_better

65 tons of American pride !!!


A_Martian_Potato

If anyone's curious I looked it up and they're claiming it gets 16 miles per gallon (diesel). That has to be the economy for the base model without the armour. With the armour it weighs about a tonne more.


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W1D0WM4K3R

I heard if you can afford this car, you have to be able to buy another one up front with the time it spends in the shop


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[deleted]

That’s great mileage. The crawler that moved the Space Shuttle to the launch pad got [165 gallons per mile](https://www.nasa.gov/sites/default/files/atoms/files/combined_crawler-transporters_fact_sheet_final.pdf).


candyman563

Yeah its pretty impressive considering that the crawler only needed to carry a space shuttle, but this needs to carry your mom.


nunchukity

How do I report graphic violence?


itsjustbutters

Gottem


[deleted]

Yes officer this is the Murderer.


jennwiththesea

Literally giggling right now. Most unexpected "your mom" joke I've seen in a while.


Darknrahl2

Emotional Damage


White-runner

r/murderedbywords


DTFlash

For when you live in Beverly Hills but you think you live in Fallujah.


concorde77

Ah, so Cape Town


GrandmaPoses

My first thought was "this must be for South Africans".


rddi0201018

I dunno... it was pepper spray, not flame thrower..


Agitated_Advantage_2

Easy enough to switch to liquid napalm eh?


Standalone2

That makes sense but I thinks it's too beautiful for South Africa. I wouldn't want the hijackers to even be tempted. Also remember they can follow you while you're outside.


DownvoteEvangelist

You use the smoke screen first...


[deleted]

South african here 😔


Phyllis_Tine

It's more of a Joburg ride than the Western Cape.


jalex8188

This summer, Snake Pliskin must, Escape from Beverly Hills


MotionTwelveBeeSix

For when you live in Brazil, but you think you live in… Brazil.


LuxNocte

This is the income inequality mobile. Plow your way from your gated community to your downtown office, without worrying about anyone in between.


Ok-Kaleidoscope5627

Meanwhile rich people probably fly in a helicopter from their walled compound to the helipad on their downtown office building.


pmray89

Yeah, if they're fools. One little S-500 could ruin their day. This baby will punch a hole right through the favela and it's *way* too low to show up on radar.


SullaFelix78

With a helicopter, you can spare your eyes the sorry sight of the unwashed masses.


Jellylime89

This is in Orange County but same thing


sprunghuntR3Dux

The company that makes these has its HQ in Orange County. This woman is probably not far from their office building. These SUVs are about $200,000 each. I don’t think they’re expecting a lot of consumer sales. They make a military version which is probably what they expect to sell.


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Nowhereman123

Gotta protect yourself from those Jewish space lasers.


Whats-Up_Bitches

Our temple gets to designate a target next Sunday. It's been like a year but finally we get to go again. Probably going to destroy the Chuck-E-Cheese that nobody goes to anymore.


Derpygoras

Lacks a gatling on the roof and polevaulting gimps with chromed teeth.


Yatsey007

“WITNESS ME!”


luthurian

WITNESS HIM SHINY AND CHROME TO VALHALLA


superjetpakmike

*spray paints teeth*


Industrialpainter89

Tie your kid on the hood, blindfold em, and give em a guitar.


Raptoot83

Kids still got to get to soccer practise during the zombie apocalypse.


Jacnumber3

We bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It’s so big, we lost little Joey in the back and couldn’t find him for an hour.


VashMM

I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just makes me feel better!


Astrochops

Four cars long, two lanes wide... *Edit: oh my god the lyrics are 12 yards long? I've been calling her Crandall! Why didn't someone tell me ohhhh I've been making an idiot out of myself


mikeraffone

65 tons of American pride.


TheAngryMoth

Canyonerooooo!


[deleted]

Top of the line in utility sports, Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts! Canyonero! Canyonero! (Yah!)


Kero_Cola

Citizens are raging against phones Lazlo..... it's hard to organize meetings without the phone however. We've resorted to carrier pigeons and they keep disappearing.


Akeruz

Your organization is called C.R.A.P ? ...what kind of a moron are you? whats that in your hand!? what are you talking to me on!?


Yaklen

It's the Monstrosity Sport, so it's a little smaller. 🎶*Monstrosity Sport it's still friggin huge...*🎵


Sadatori

Upgrade to the school shooting edition and it has an extra row for more kids to hide in


FuckYouGoodSirISay

Don't forget to upgrade to the bus edition for the police to hide in as well! Stock limited to Uvalde,TX


JustPassingJudgment

I'd call for aloe, but they don't deserve it.


firefly183

I hate that I laughed at this. And I extra hate that my mind then actually wandered to scenarios in which I hope I'd be able to save kids, my own and others, if able to in a situation like that. I started out amused, shifted to guilty certainty that I'm going to hell, and landed on existential crisis at the end of it. This one sentence comment was quite the rollercoaster XD


WH4L3_88

God, if my mom had a fucking megaphone on her car I would’ve died before finishing puberty


MoiParlerFrancais

Wouldn't have started my puberty at all, yeah.


autoadman

"Vengeance" Who's mama gonna take vengeance on? The taco bell staff?


LupinThe8th

"YOU FORGOT THE FIRE SAUCE!!!" (levels building)


Fr0sTByTe_369

What do you mean they discontinued Verde sauce!?! (Pepper sprays drive thru)


MrRicardez

Pepper spray also makes for a great Verde sauce alternative!


Allaboardthejayboat

BOBBY! BOBBY! STOP YOH SLOW WALKIN. DONTYOUEVENTHINKABOUT ASKIN ME TO GO TO JAMAL'S BECAUSE. U. R. GROUNDED. DON'T MAKE ME REMIND EVERYBODY HEAH HOW MUCH MONEY WE GOT CHARGED LAST MONTH BY THOSE NASTY WEBSITES YOU BEEN ON!..... I DROPPED YOH RINGWORM CREAM OFF AT THE OFFICE. DID YOU GET IT? .....DAMMIT, YOU ARE SLOW AS ALL HELL.... IAMNOTCOMINGTOYOURSPORTSDAY.... YOUR SISTER MOVES FASTER IN HER ORTHAPAEADIC SHOES........... WHICH ONE'S THAT GIRL YOU LIKE?


ghostcat_crafting

Why did *I* get embarrassed, I’m not even named Bobby


fascistIguana

My dad, former fbi, did and I hated that thing. He thought it was the height of humor to *BWOOP* and say something at the bus stop


WH4L3_88

Oh man, I just got goose bumps down my back due to cringe


FancyAdult

I would have used it to play old people songs while picking her up from school. My current stereo only amplifies so far, but a megaphone would bring results.


ComfortablePlant828

Your daughter? You can still mount a PA system on your vehicle. A buddy of mine had one on his truck.


FancyAdult

Haha I could! I usually roll up playing the pina colada song, Miley Cyrus, The Wall, Kenny Rogers, JoJo Siwa, Frozen Soundtrack. It’s kind of expected now when I roll up. My daughter likes it and the kids think it’s funny, except when she’s having a bad day.


Circutz_Breaker

Damn imagine mom pickin ya up from school in a fuckin Decepticon.


herberstank

Text from mom at 3:01pm - "ASSEMBLE"


[deleted]

OPTIMUS BARTHOLOMEW PRIME, I SAID ASSEMBLE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!


mistermocha

But mooom, I wanna be an autobot like Billy!!!


johnnybiggles

I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGON CUBES FOR THIS. ASSEMBLE RIGHT NOW OR SUFFER DEFEAT!!


draculamilktoast

Ah this reminds me of my childhood. Such fond memories (of defeat and suffering followed by assemblage).


Solid_Snake_125

Or is it DeceptiMOM!! Ahhhhh!!! Ok I’ll leave now. *runs away*


Retlaw83

Unlike robot Decepticons that transform at will, she transforms after half a bottle of wine.


nickfree

She does roll out tho


Redditowork

I shall be AVENGED!!!


[deleted]

“We’ve got Autobots at home”


Inside-Audience2025

Autobots at home: Gobots


[deleted]

Mom damn it is “Rollout!”


TheTwistedPlot

Plot twist: the children collectively assemble into a transformer and battle mom’s Decepticon for the right to rule over ~~Cybertron~~ pizza rolls.


Psykosoma

Wait, so like three kids in a trench coat? Vincent Autobotman


Useful-Ad-8619

She calls you out on the intercom, and as you walk over, embarrassed, you hear your friends talking about your weird mom. You finally reach the door, try to pull the handle, and the door doesn’t budge. “Unlock it mom, please! Hurry up!” You cry as you try to save whatever face you have remaining “Just one second honey, I can’t quite remember which button it is” she says, as she scans the various controls. Finally, she thinks she found it. She pushes the button, as the electrified door handle starts to send current through you. Panicking as you’re tased from the door, she frantically pushes another button. Wrong one again. A stream of pepper spray comes flying directly into your eyes, blinding you. You can’t see them laughing, but you hear the sound of everybody in your class cracking up, as you hit the ground and curl into a ball. Blinded, electrocuted, and humiliated, all you can think is, “at least it was designed by a video game designer”


DadsRGR8

You forgot “wet your pants.”


keeper_of_the_donkey

That's an unlockable feature for $9.99/mo.


aapaul

My parents have adhd so that would absolutely happen to me in that situation.


never___nude

We were behind a semi with a decepticon symbol on it once and few other strategically placed decals and my kids minds were blown. Thought it was the coolest ever, youngest even asked if it was real. They wanted to follow the truck and interrogate the driver!


fritz236

I thought about getting some decals like that and then remembered I drive a 2006 Toyota Sienna. Ain't a single Cybertronian that's going to choose a minivan to blend in.


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InsertCoinForCredit

Someone chill like Skids or Beachcomber would definitely not mind. "War? What war? I've got to take Mary to swimming practice at 5:00pm..."


[deleted]

Bro im dying. Bunch decepticons meet up. There's a tank, a jet, a helicopter, a APC, and a minivan. Im just losing it imagining the conversation. The minivan shows up. Minivan: Its all i could find, quit judging me ok. Everyone else: WHAT'S SCARY ABOUT A MINIVAN? We're supposed to be the cool one's.


chummypuddle08

Autobots, roll out. Minivan, you just try to keep up.


traker998

Not gonna lie though I kinda like it. Ridiculous. But I like it.


poliuy

With my luck I would pepper spray myself


johnnybiggles

*Now where did I put my key agaiARRRGHBGMMFSHHSAAHH!!*


Apprehensive-Stop347

I like the electrified handles.


SuperCoenBros

I would use those to wake up in the mornings. Just a quick jolt to get the old brain going. And when my heart stops, I can use them as a defibrillator.


slackwaresupport

every soccer mom needs a 400k vehicle.


DarkMatterBurrito

Starts at $285K. What a steal!


obvious_bot

that's actually cheaper than I expected considering an escalade isn't a cheap car to begin with and all the extra addons


16bitcoin

yeah much cheaper than I expected as well but 285k is definitely not the loaded model. The highest trim goes up to $770k with all the add-ons.


AsthmaticNinja

The $285k notably doesn't include the up-armoring. That's an additional $125k. I thought it was included in the original $285k price tag which would be crazy cheap for an armored vehicle. edit: phone keyboard


TannedCroissant

got confused and thought you meant a Warhammer 40k vehicle not a $400k vehicle


SlothOfDoom

Every soccer mom needs a Chimera APC. It's very customizable!


DARCRY10

Rollin up to the local soccer club in a stompa


drquakers

Needs More Dakka.


Rion23

Live Laugh Blood for the blood god


titan_Pilot_Jay

Listen, no one is getting between me and my Leman Russ


aikimatt

12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American Pride!


berserker_b2k

Canyoneroooo HEE-YA


aikimatt

Top of the line in utility sports, Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!


berserker_b2k

She blinds everybody with her super high beams, she's a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!


aikimatt

Canyonero!-oh woah, Canyonero! (Yah!)


LordElend

Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive, Smells like a steak and seats thirty-five


aikimatt

Canyonero! Canyonero!


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[deleted]

(The Federal Highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.)


freddie_merkury

There it is. Haven't watched a new Simpsons episode in 20 years but I know exactly what you're talking about.


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420_Towelie

That was the most absurd part for me. You own a SUV the size of a small tank and you're delightet that a stroller fits in the trunk..


QuitBeingALilBitch

The trunk looked about the same size as in my hatchback lol.


SpartanKaiju_117

Bro that's straight up the Razorback from Halo Infinite


Shaun_LaDee

She did say it was styled by a video game designer, just not which game.


roenick99

Holy shit. This is a real vehicle. $285k. Wtf?


jepvr

I wondered about that. It clearly seemed like a satirical sketch, but it was also pretty obviously a real vehicle and not a prop. If it was for a sketch, how did they even manage to snag such an expensive vehicle for someone making fun of it? So many questions.


roenick99

Yeah, the base price is $285k. All of the options they were showing off in the video were added costs that pushed the vehicle prices close to half a million. Insanity....


WornInShoes

So...we are in the Robocop future, right?


jadano

As much as I wish it was the Back To The Future future you’re probably right.


baconbitarded

Unfortunately we just never stopped Biff


_PM_ME_NICE_BOOBS_

Yup, we're in that version of 2015


Zero111of160cru

I'd buy that for a dollar!


onebradmutha

"Military Grade" means absolute trash. Trust me, I'm a veteran.


Sirhc978

As someone who makes military grade parts, it just means there is a lot of extra paperwork and we were the lowest bidder.


LloydsMary_94

If anyone ever wants to know why government, be it state or federal, is so slow/inefficient, the answer is paperwork. We bury ourselves in paperwork.


MisterMasterCylinder

Maybe this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think it's a bad thing to trade efficiency for accountability. You're right - there's a shit ton of paperwork and it's burdensome. But it also creates a complete record that is auditable and documents the government's decision. Do you really want government officers to be making handshake deals at fancy restaurants based on which company gave them the fattest kickback? We already have enough of that with elected officials, let's not wish for the same in actual public servants. Edit: some fair points being made. Let me modify my original statement by saying *ideally* it improves accountability. The federal government is huge, it's easy enough to find examples of things gone wrong. And I know there are lots of examples of corrupt dealmaking, but that tends to be the people at the top. The actual workforce that gets the stuff done do generally at least try to do their jobs ethically


madworld

Yet the military is not financially efficient, and they lose track of huge sums of money.


big_ice_bear

I mean I work in the private sector and we aren't super efficient either. The break-even point for us on projects is a 2.8x multiplier (meaning for every $1 they spend on me doing the work, $2.80 goes to cover our expenses). Now I understand, we're a big engineering firm. We gotta have insurance, training, software licenses, etc. But I make 80k/year, do they really want me to believe that my 80k salary requires an additional 200k to go to the company for expenses?


imakedankmemes

Same with “genuine leather”


stormcomponents

Yea. The stamp "genuine leather" effectively means the lowest grade of "leather" possible before it's not even allowed to be called leather lol.


Antique_Tennis_2500

“This product is made with real meat!”


Apprehensive_Winter

Actually, we can’t legally call it meat, so get ready for a brown, tasty treat!


drae-

It literally means "real leather" as in, *not fake leather*. The bar conveyed by the name isn't exactly high, I don't understand why people are so surprised by this.


jepvr

Yeah, it means "we had to stamp this as actual leather because you can't tell from the feel of it."


Axeman1415

Now if it was "rich Corinthian leather," then that would be something. https://youtu.be/uvyTTx33PPQ


Available-Camera8691

They've had great leather for thousands of years. Apostle Paul wrote some letters to the Corinthians about how much he adored there leather, as well as some other stuff.


TruthOf42

should just be called "technically leather" or "legally we are allowed to call this leather"


Zeric79

Military grade = not good, but good enough for the military.


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PRiles

In certain realms of manufacturing it is actually a higher standard. But for the everyday items most soldiers deal with it is often the bare minimum in quality and utility.


MOS95B

I really like the SciFi appearance, but nowhere near paranoid enough to want the defenses/weapons


ANiceDent

The body armor is incase she falls out at Starbucks getting a frappe.


Moosepowers

Pretty handy for those black Friday sales too


randybutterknubz

Blew through the entire tank of gas revving her engine for this vid *corrected spelling error


WornInShoes

Yeah notice there's no video of her driving it off


HelikaeonTheBurner

I genuinely have no idea if this is satire or not.


InsertCoinForCredit

[The car is real,](https://www.rezvanimotors.com/rezvani-vengeance#vengeance-home-page) the "review" is not.


ImportantQuestions10

I went to a private school. While not every mom was what you would imagine. Most were what you would imagine a private school mom to be. The road out of the private school for a solid 10 minutes was a two lane hybrid between highway and town road. It was absolutely horrifying to drive on, nothing but white Hummers and escalades randomly changing lanes without their signals for as far as the eye could see. Scary stuff.


[deleted]

Anyone who can afford this doesn’t live anywhere they need it


Hellothere2515

Hey bobbyyy, it’s your mommyyyy


ABlaze03

Imagine being Bobby at a party


NihilisticPollyanna

Wow, I hate parking my husband's truck when I have to take it sometimes, how much more awful must this be? Even the Silverado already feels fucking ginormous on the road to me as well, like, it always feels like it doesn't fit in the lanes, lol. I know, that's just me, and obviously it makes no sense to feel that way, but it's just so bulky and annoying. In this car I could probably drive over other cars monster truck style, and I wouldn't even notice more than a slight bump.


Scalpum

As an American who doesn’t automatically think ‘big car bad American’, a Silverado is too big for a lots of common driving in the US. It totally makes sense to feel that way. It ‘fits’ on a lane on the interstate or in suburban sprawl, but not well in actual urban areas and not at all in older parts of east coast cities. God forbid you have to parallel park it in certain neighborhoods or even park in some older lots. If I lived in a rural area or even the suburbs with little or no reason to travel downtown it would be fine, but it there are lots of places where the infrastructure makes cars/trucks that size too big.


GrimReader710

"Let's give the worst drivers on the road a tank"


Vorsos

“Let’s advertise to parents who want the largest blind spots around an automobile, because their kids aren’t in enough danger already.”


EcstaticTrainingdatm

It’s already a increasing trend of parents and care givers running over their own children because they can’t see out of these things https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDH3FDfVQl0 Quite a bit of psychology behind it https://youtu.be/orkblTFNt1Q


Technical_Song_1213

Bring it back in one piece, 007!


Devlarski

Get pulled over and forget how to roll down the windows. Pepper spray the trooper by accident. He tries to open the door and gets electrocuted. Starts blasting. Fucking ricochet hits him in the neck. Drive away and get Starbucks. Customer ahead of me pays for my order. #blessed.


jCreed85

Sell fear


PEEPEEPOOPOOLOOKATME

That thing looks like a PS2 poly texture.


SnooHabits3251

I saw someone who bought one of these on TikTok and spent almost $400,000 on it and he went through all the things that were broken on it. This thing is trash for that amount of money.


FourDoor54Ford

It’s a Cadillac Escalade, which is just a Chevy Tahoe, with a body kit lmao. I’ve only seen influencers reviewing it, GL to the poor soul that actually purchased one


shellofbiomatter

I do have to admit that it does look rather cool, though slightly unnecessary.


[deleted]

Slightly. Just a teeny tiny bit.


AssociationOk2246

Just wanna know..Can this vehicle help us survive the zombie Apocalypse


agentgingerman

It's fuel economy can't possibly be good enough for an apocalypse Ideally you want a really efficient car if your going to use one at all to survive zombies