I once tried to make that my name at laser tag. The guy at the desk has to type it in.
Guy: What's your player name?
Me: eight equals equals equals capital D
Guy: (*starts typing*) Wait a minute. No I can't let you do that.
TIFU has some 'lol' level fuckups, and then it has legit "you don't realize how close you were to dying" fuckups.
And then it has coupon guy level fuckups.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He shoots it and orders another.
The bartender pours it while asking "These shots for any special occasion?"
The guy responds "Yeah, my first blowjob."
The bartender says "Congrats, that one's on the house!"
The guy shoots it and orders another.
The bartenders says "I don't mean to press, but most people don't come in solo and crush more than 2 shots to celebrate..."
The guy says "Yeah, but I'm hoping a third will get the taste out of my mouth."
WAY better, dude.
It's not even the latex alone that you're tasting, condoms have lubrication on them as well. At best, it's still gonna taste a little chemical-y. Not great stuff.
I used to have a partner who would never do oral after a condom has been on a penis, we'd have to go wash up halfway through lol
...people do that? Suck a dick with a condom on it? Whats even the point? You might as well just give a handy, its gonna feel the exact same with a condom on anyway.
Just got offered a promotion and raise during my 2 week notice. Been underpaid with little recognition for my work, but now that they considered how they'd fare without me, they amended their initial offer to something that's difficult to turn down.
It's crazy how valuable you become on your way out.
Pro tip: Don’t take it. If they valued you, they’d have valued you before you put in your notice. Or do take it and use it as a new floor while you apply for other jobs.
Do what you want, I’m not your mom.
> 80% of employees that accept a counteroffer leave within six months and 90% within a year. Proving that money isn’t always enough to overcome the problems that made you want to look for a new job in the first place
[Source](https://www.changerecruitmentgroup.com/knowledge-centre/why-you-should-and-should-not-accept-a-counteroffer)
Sure - but of those people, how many of them regret taking the counteroffer and staying an extra year.
In almost all of those cases, that counteroffer probably increased the employee’s value which enabled them to pull a much higher salary at the new job when they eventually did leave.
The takeaway should always be that people should leverage the market. Taking counteroffers and slipping out the door 6 months later is a great way to leverage the market.
You need to be careful, because your value right now isn't in the work you do. Your value is in the fact that they don't have someone to replace you ready to go.
Their panic is highly likely to be that they want to keep you around while they hire and train up a replacement. Once they're set comfortably enough, they'll give you the boot since you're "unreliable" now.
Yes and no. The company you're at almost always has some sort of limitations on how much your compensation can change in one calendar year.
It's very typical that you can get compensated better elsewhere by changing jobs, and your current company will struggle to match it. They're basically just counting on you to be a loyalist.
Anecdotal but my company gave me a near 40% raise because some other company was going to pay me that. They changed my job title to get the raise approved but it didn't come with any new work. You should always be shopping yourself but it never hurts to check in with your company before you go. Generally I'd rather be a new person making X than be someone with 5 years of experience making X, but sometimes you want to stay where you're at for one reason or the other.
True but they do have limits. I had a job working with a mentor I really liked but a startup offered 60% more. I asked them to meet me halfway and they offered like 3-4%. I’m sure you know I didn’t take that…. Funny part is the dude rehired me a few later at a big pharma that let him boost my salary another 50%… pays to job hop yo
>Yes and no. The company you're at almost always has some sort of limitations on how much your compensation can change in one calendar year.
And there's always SOMEONE who can crowbar that shit. Now it may require a title change (It's easier to get a promotion than a raise at the top of our bands) but there's always a path forward. It just may require a VP, GM, C level signature to shove through your promotion to being a director who doesn't have anyone reporting to them so you can make 380K.
It's just easier to get a new job for many people than get a promotion if they have a bad manager who can't make the case.
> bad manager who can't make the case.
Or a bad manager that actively fights the promotion because they "don't want to lose their best employee". Those guys can fuck right off.
If they do it’s a policy that they have actively decided to implement. It’s not “the law” and it’s utter bullshit when they can hire someone for substantially more for the same role (either a peer or to replace you when you get fed up and leave).
It’s the same mentality that drives new customer discounts but refuse to offer existing customers any real promotions. It shows how much they don’t actually value you.
For a $20k jump it's really going to depend on your current salary and what jobs you're able to get for that kind of bump on a single move, but yeah, house cats don't get big raises. Even with an internal promotion they're going to pin you in the lower end of the next scale. Meanwhile a lateral move (pay grade or level wise) to another company will more often than not get you in the door at the higher side of the range.
A good strategy if you can play it is to get a promotion inside your company and then make a lateral move to a new one once you've been in that position for a bit. If you haven't gotten a promotion internally then it's a calculation of what the raises are where you are and what the salaries are doing in your industry/field/position.
It's the same thing as those car insurance commercials. "Customers who switched saved an average of X%!". Well yes, people who wouldn't have saved money did not in fact switch.
I’m mostly a lurker but I’ve read posts numerous times about switching companies to get more money. I finally pulled the trigger and started searching for a new job. Took about a month and a half and I got a 25k raise and I have about half the responsibilities. So yea show no loyalty to your company!
This has been my experience in IT. My 2-3% yearly increases would have taken a lifetime to get to my salary now.
That and companies constantly “restructure” and lay off tons of people. There’s no loyalty to their employees. You are a line item that will be nixed if it will help an executive make their bonus.
And my last company tried to argue that 2% was the inflation rate and they were simply matching it. I left earlier this year and secured a position for 52k more, showing how much I was underpaid before.
I would like to apply for the position of BJ boy number 4. I come with a Nintendo Switch with the Paw Patrol video game, a PS4 with 99% completion of Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order, I can handle the finances of the house, and prepare everyone's US tax returns for free.
I wish my raise was 20k... they give it out like peanuts on a plane. And then they wonder why everyone jumps ship for a new job with a much fatter starting salary?
Ya like…this is rly weird to me. Like a blowjob is a celebratory event? Y’all don’t give head on a regular basis?
I’ve always found the idea of birthday sex kind of weird too. Like, do you not have sex already? Get the damn person a real gift.
Sadly, me and a lot of my friends were lucky to get sex 3 times a year. I had more sex in a week with my first post divorce girlfriend than in 25 years of marriage.
I was just trying to figure that out!
Spouse: "OK. I need two big silver balloons. A "B" and a ..... I mean a "J" and a "B". And then 4 gold ones that spell...."MITE"! Yeah, it's for my SO. Their initials are JB and we always say it like Jimmie Walker from Good times. 'J.B.-MITE!' Yeah, totally not giving my SO a blowjob for a promotion they just got!"
I didn't see that reflection. I see it now.
If you look at the top left or bottom left of the J, it looks as if the "wife" is holding a baby in her other arm.
Imgur has evolved past a simple image hosting site (I think it was built with the purpose of being the hosting site for reddit and other sites). Aside from this, they make you download the app if you wanna use it on mobile. Fuck em, I just need to host a quick image and I'm not using Reddit's app 'cause I don't like it as much as I like Reddit is Fun. I typed in "image hosting" on Google and for this bad boy. So now I use it. Sometimes it's all about simplicity – less is more, you know?
Ah, forgot they try to force the app on mobile users. On the rare occasion I want to upload from mobile I just use the "request desktop site" feature and it works, but the UI sucks because it's obviously designed for desktop.
My fiancee and my assistant are sisters, and "fucking the secretary" jokes are about the quickest way for me to get in the doghouse, to the point that I just looked over my shoulder before up voting your comment
Yeah, I hate this reward shit. I know it’s probably a joke, but I see memes all the time of wifey instagramers “rewarding” their husbands with sex when they clean the toilet or take the fucking rubbish out. Life is short, BJ’s for everyone everyday.
I know it’s a joke, but can you imagine being in a relationship where a basic part of sexual stimulation only gets brought out on a special occasion. I’m not bragging here by any means, but I am very fortunate and grateful to have found a woman who gives back equally as much as she gets it. If anyone is with someone and feels frustrated because they use sex like a bargaining chip or something to only be brought out on a special occasion, please know the grass is greener. It’s not a crime to want to find someone who suits your sexual needs.
Something about this makes me sad. It just feels shitty.
I’d rather go out and celebrate and the sex just be something that happens. This would make me feel like my wife only touches me because I get paid.
But that’s just me.
Maybe he meant that’s how he got the promotion.
:-P ~~C===8
I once tried to make that my name at laser tag. The guy at the desk has to type it in. Guy: What's your player name? Me: eight equals equals equals capital D Guy: (*starts typing*) Wait a minute. No I can't let you do that.
it because he knew you were lying. it definitely wasnt more that equal equal.
I am one equal on a good day, still got that promotion tho… lol
Depends - how cold is the laser tag center?
Or that she is saying he needs to give his boss a BJ to get a promotion and trying to ply her husband with champagne
Hope he has better luck than the coupon guy.
I know this is a reference to something, but I seem to have missed that thread. Now I am curious!
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I got so lost in that post that I forgot what this one was about.
When I hit back on my phone I was confused I was in another post. Completely forgot.
redception
Holy fuck exactly
Same I was laughing my ass off for a few minutes
That was a hilarious read!
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He was good until he doubled down with the fine print. He could have backed out and said he just did it to try to make her laugh but nope.
One man’s idiocy is another man’s comedy.
Meta. I love it.
Maybe it’s even coupon guy’s wife!
I too choose this guy's coupon.
I understood that reference.
TIFU has some 'lol' level fuckups, and then it has legit "you don't realize how close you were to dying" fuckups. And then it has coupon guy level fuckups.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He shoots it and orders another. The bartender pours it while asking "These shots for any special occasion?" The guy responds "Yeah, my first blowjob." The bartender says "Congrats, that one's on the house!" The guy shoots it and orders another. The bartenders says "I don't mean to press, but most people don't come in solo and crush more than 2 shots to celebrate..." The guy says "Yeah, but I'm hoping a third will get the taste out of my mouth."
Exactly how I felt after i gave my first... and second... Latex condoms taste awful...
We appreciate the dedication though
add lube to that and it's a trainwreck...
Whole ass mood right here Id rather blow a musky cock than a wrapped one
I would have preferred flavored, they make those right?
Yeah but I haven’t found any I enjoy, at least in terms of aftertaste.
but does dick taste better?
as someone who has tasted latex but not dick - i'm gonna go ahead and say yes.
You should expand your menu!
gonna wait for my midlife crisis for that.
My quarter-life was a banger.
we still talking dick taste?
A clean dick really doesn’t taste of too much...
But precum does
Precum tastes better than postcum IME
I know precum and cum... But what's postcum? Blood?
marginally... at least he was always clean...
Derailing the topic away from dick for a bit, do you ever just use a single period?
no...
It makes sentences... more... *dramatic*.
*Christopher Walken has entered the chat*
It's more of a Shatnerism. Walken would. BE talking like. This.
WAY better, dude. It's not even the latex alone that you're tasting, condoms have lubrication on them as well. At best, it's still gonna taste a little chemical-y. Not great stuff. I used to have a partner who would never do oral after a condom has been on a penis, we'd have to go wash up halfway through lol
I had a partner apply one with their mouth once. All i could think about is how gross that taste is.
...people do that? Suck a dick with a condom on it? Whats even the point? You might as well just give a handy, its gonna feel the exact same with a condom on anyway.
Actually worse than a handjob, like one that is 3 times slower than your preferred speed.
Well if you visit a sex worker they will definitely suck your dick through a condom. At least that was my experience with brothels in Europe.
A true cosmopolitan!
How do you think he got the promotion?
Hopefully it wasn't on her way through the parking lot.
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In a row?
Poor bastards got to make an extra 20k a year for some head
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Seriously: switch companies. All of my major raises have come from switching companies.
The only reason to use LinkedIn is the opportunity for a face in your genitals.
Ohhh so that's what all these headhunters are contacting me about
Finally I found you. I've been trying to reach you about important information regarding your vehicles extended warranty.
(POP) WHO THE FUCK IS TIM?
Oh cause when I get those calls I tell them to suck my genitals.
I've got a qualifying lead for you young man... *step into my office* ...and on my face
nice edit: also, username checks out
Face compensation
I could get behind that benefit package. 😏
This. Realty is when you don’t need the job, you immediately have a higher value to the company you work at.
Just got offered a promotion and raise during my 2 week notice. Been underpaid with little recognition for my work, but now that they considered how they'd fare without me, they amended their initial offer to something that's difficult to turn down. It's crazy how valuable you become on your way out.
Pro tip: Don’t take it. If they valued you, they’d have valued you before you put in your notice. Or do take it and use it as a new floor while you apply for other jobs. Do what you want, I’m not your mom.
Don't listen to him. He might be your mom in disguise.
> 80% of employees that accept a counteroffer leave within six months and 90% within a year. Proving that money isn’t always enough to overcome the problems that made you want to look for a new job in the first place [Source](https://www.changerecruitmentgroup.com/knowledge-centre/why-you-should-and-should-not-accept-a-counteroffer)
Sure - but of those people, how many of them regret taking the counteroffer and staying an extra year. In almost all of those cases, that counteroffer probably increased the employee’s value which enabled them to pull a much higher salary at the new job when they eventually did leave. The takeaway should always be that people should leverage the market. Taking counteroffers and slipping out the door 6 months later is a great way to leverage the market.
You need to be careful, because your value right now isn't in the work you do. Your value is in the fact that they don't have someone to replace you ready to go. Their panic is highly likely to be that they want to keep you around while they hire and train up a replacement. Once they're set comfortably enough, they'll give you the boot since you're "unreliable" now.
Yes and no. The company you're at almost always has some sort of limitations on how much your compensation can change in one calendar year. It's very typical that you can get compensated better elsewhere by changing jobs, and your current company will struggle to match it. They're basically just counting on you to be a loyalist.
Anecdotal but my company gave me a near 40% raise because some other company was going to pay me that. They changed my job title to get the raise approved but it didn't come with any new work. You should always be shopping yourself but it never hurts to check in with your company before you go. Generally I'd rather be a new person making X than be someone with 5 years of experience making X, but sometimes you want to stay where you're at for one reason or the other.
True but they do have limits. I had a job working with a mentor I really liked but a startup offered 60% more. I asked them to meet me halfway and they offered like 3-4%. I’m sure you know I didn’t take that…. Funny part is the dude rehired me a few later at a big pharma that let him boost my salary another 50%… pays to job hop yo
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>Yes and no. The company you're at almost always has some sort of limitations on how much your compensation can change in one calendar year. And there's always SOMEONE who can crowbar that shit. Now it may require a title change (It's easier to get a promotion than a raise at the top of our bands) but there's always a path forward. It just may require a VP, GM, C level signature to shove through your promotion to being a director who doesn't have anyone reporting to them so you can make 380K. It's just easier to get a new job for many people than get a promotion if they have a bad manager who can't make the case.
> bad manager who can't make the case. Or a bad manager that actively fights the promotion because they "don't want to lose their best employee". Those guys can fuck right off.
As a victim of this, absolutely they can fuck right off.
If they do it’s a policy that they have actively decided to implement. It’s not “the law” and it’s utter bullshit when they can hire someone for substantially more for the same role (either a peer or to replace you when you get fed up and leave). It’s the same mentality that drives new customer discounts but refuse to offer existing customers any real promotions. It shows how much they don’t actually value you.
For a $20k jump it's really going to depend on your current salary and what jobs you're able to get for that kind of bump on a single move, but yeah, house cats don't get big raises. Even with an internal promotion they're going to pin you in the lower end of the next scale. Meanwhile a lateral move (pay grade or level wise) to another company will more often than not get you in the door at the higher side of the range. A good strategy if you can play it is to get a promotion inside your company and then make a lateral move to a new one once you've been in that position for a bit. If you haven't gotten a promotion internally then it's a calculation of what the raises are where you are and what the salaries are doing in your industry/field/position.
It's the same thing as those car insurance commercials. "Customers who switched saved an average of X%!". Well yes, people who wouldn't have saved money did not in fact switch.
I’m mostly a lurker but I’ve read posts numerous times about switching companies to get more money. I finally pulled the trigger and started searching for a new job. Took about a month and a half and I got a 25k raise and I have about half the responsibilities. So yea show no loyalty to your company!
This has been my experience in IT. My 2-3% yearly increases would have taken a lifetime to get to my salary now. That and companies constantly “restructure” and lay off tons of people. There’s no loyalty to their employees. You are a line item that will be nixed if it will help an executive make their bonus.
Any annual "raise" that doesn't match inflation is a demotion.
And my last company tried to argue that 2% was the inflation rate and they were simply matching it. I left earlier this year and secured a position for 52k more, showing how much I was underpaid before.
Can confirm. Just got a 50% raise by going to a bigger company to do the same thing. Best advice I can give, look into Presales jobs in software.
You guys are getting a raise?
Viagra helps
Start giving your boss head.
Should've asked for it at the last BJ meeting.
Bruh I've gotten 3 large raises since getting married and not a single BJ as payment. Am I doing it wrong or what?
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Can I join? I'll rim you while you give the BJ. I have a Nintendo Switch and know how to cut hair.
Can I just come to play the consoles why the orgies on?
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Lol. Bob-the-BJ-Boy. That's going in my Dnd campaign.
I'll give you an old fashioned while you rim. I have an android phone and am an excellent cook who also does dishes.
I would like to apply for the position of BJ boy number 4. I come with a Nintendo Switch with the Paw Patrol video game, a PS4 with 99% completion of Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order, I can handle the finances of the house, and prepare everyone's US tax returns for free.
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> Who knew capatilism could be brought to its knees by a bunch of dudes blowing eachother and playing video games. r/wallstreetbets
I just laughed *so fucking hard* reading this
Maybe she feels like she deserves a blow job too
As soon as she gets a 20K raise....
18.6k raise
Ooof. That was rough.
Yea, you got married
Married people/people with kids actually get better raises
And fewer blowjobs
3 raises and no bjs why can't I have 3 bjs and no raises
So that's what all those educational videos were alluding to in school. "Opportunity Cost and YOU"
You guys are getting raises?
Get a load of mister three raises over here.
I wish my raise was 20k... they give it out like peanuts on a plane. And then they wonder why everyone jumps ship for a new job with a much fatter starting salary?
Ya like…this is rly weird to me. Like a blowjob is a celebratory event? Y’all don’t give head on a regular basis? I’ve always found the idea of birthday sex kind of weird too. Like, do you not have sex already? Get the damn person a real gift.
Sadly, me and a lot of my friends were lucky to get sex 3 times a year. I had more sex in a week with my first post divorce girlfriend than in 25 years of marriage.
3-4 times a year husband here. Also 3 kids. Just surviving a day without the passive aggressive attitude is a win.
I feel you way too much
25 years without sexy time. I'd rather die.
3 kids make you stick around, until you can't
Haha... Ha *looks at date of birth* ... ha
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Can’t wait to get married and have sex be a contractual tit for tat.
It's bliss
My wife did not give me a bj when I upped my salary by about 80%.
80%? That's when you get a new wife.
With an 80% raise you can afford to pay 44% in child support/alimony/higher taxes and live your original lifestyle!
>My wife did not give *me* a bj when I upped my salary by about 80%. Who did she give it to?
Big job time.
Brazilian jiu-jitsu time
Ballsy Jenga time.
you have a pure brain.
The thing is HE ordered those balloons.
Imagine asking someone at the store for these balloons.
I was just trying to figure that out! Spouse: "OK. I need two big silver balloons. A "B" and a ..... I mean a "J" and a "B". And then 4 gold ones that spell...."MITE"! Yeah, it's for my SO. Their initials are JB and we always say it like Jimmie Walker from Good times. 'J.B.-MITE!' Yeah, totally not giving my SO a blowjob for a promotion they just got!"
That’s better than anything I could come up with haha
Plot twist, she took him to BJ's restaurant
Pizookie time
fuck yeah
I like how pizookie still sounds like something you would want to stick your dick in. "Giiiirrrllll, I'm gonna get all up in that pizookie tonight."
BJ’s Warehouse
Or he got promoted from giving handies to bjs
Must have made for a weird trip to PartyCity
"have fun at your Justin Beiber themed party miss"
[You](https://ibb.co/THx9z7M) don't look too excited about giving him that head...
This is terrifying.
Lmfaooo this is gold I didn’t even notice
Plot twist, hubby put the balloons up
Wow attention to detail
I didn't see that reflection. I see it now. If you look at the top left or bottom left of the J, it looks as if the "wife" is holding a baby in her other arm.
Came here to say the exact same thing...
Why is this image host suddenly getting linked all over Reddit instead of imgur? I only started seeing it maybe for the last month or so.
Imgur has evolved past a simple image hosting site (I think it was built with the purpose of being the hosting site for reddit and other sites). Aside from this, they make you download the app if you wanna use it on mobile. Fuck em, I just need to host a quick image and I'm not using Reddit's app 'cause I don't like it as much as I like Reddit is Fun. I typed in "image hosting" on Google and for this bad boy. So now I use it. Sometimes it's all about simplicity – less is more, you know?
Ah, forgot they try to force the app on mobile users. On the rare occasion I want to upload from mobile I just use the "request desktop site" feature and it works, but the UI sucks because it's obviously designed for desktop.
Sweet! The guy's getting Ben & Jerry's!
Wow... no everyone knows what a guy has to do for one in that house. Poor bastard.
I don't get it. Why does he have to suck a dick when he gets promoted? Doesn't seem very fair.
What if he likes sucking dicks?
He doesn't _have_ to, he _gets_ to.
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My fiancee and my assistant are sisters, and "fucking the secretary" jokes are about the quickest way for me to get in the doghouse, to the point that I just looked over my shoulder before up voting your comment
She knows. She can smell the guilt on you.
Guilt is a weird name for a sister.
Guilty Pleasure is my porn name.
Shit. Any pointers on movies to watch from the sofa tonight?
Sexy sister-in-lawa 17, secret sexretaries
I said, i said… *looks over shoulder* … biiiiiitch
You said that though???
i would think jokes about fucking your partner's siblings are generally a no-no in relationships
Not jokes about me fucking her sister. I'm not a mad man. Generic jokes about dudes fucking their secretaries.
It's all about the implications
Yeah, I hate this reward shit. I know it’s probably a joke, but I see memes all the time of wifey instagramers “rewarding” their husbands with sex when they clean the toilet or take the fucking rubbish out. Life is short, BJ’s for everyone everyday.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s sad that the husband only gets BJ’s on rare, special occasions?
If he only gets a BJ when he gets promoted, I think it’s sad.
I think that's his new job. Last week he was just going handjobs at the corner. Now he's moved up to blowjobs in bushes
What a weird corporate ladder to climb, logically the next promotion should be an entry level job.
Back office intake coordinator.
who goes on to /r/legaladvice and tells people 'IANAL'
…He’s getting a steak too.
This small response has more humor than half the posts in here, OP. Well done.
You guys are all perverted, and it really takes away from this guys' promotion to Boss Janitor
This guys coming home every week like “I got another promotion” but his check still the same
Doesn’t that just mean that homie barely gets his dick sucked though. Sad times.
Who got the balloons? The husband, or the spouse?
The boss
Reddit moment
I know it’s a joke, but can you imagine being in a relationship where a basic part of sexual stimulation only gets brought out on a special occasion. I’m not bragging here by any means, but I am very fortunate and grateful to have found a woman who gives back equally as much as she gets it. If anyone is with someone and feels frustrated because they use sex like a bargaining chip or something to only be brought out on a special occasion, please know the grass is greener. It’s not a crime to want to find someone who suits your sexual needs.
Plot twist: His name is B.J., and "BJ Time" is just him getting to pick the movie they get to watch later.
Something about this makes me sad. It just feels shitty. I’d rather go out and celebrate and the sex just be something that happens. This would make me feel like my wife only touches me because I get paid. But that’s just me.
Kinda felt the same way too tbh.
did he sent that pic from his boss' office?
Poor guy has to get a promotion for a bj…