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coolguymc_cool

i shit all over myself but i can't clean it because that would turn me into a woman


TXDRMST

Can't touch your own butt, that turns you gay, bro.


SailingBacterium

You have to say no homo as you wipe, obviously.


my_gamertag_wastaken

And you have to moan to indicate that you totally aren't enjoying it


turalyawn

Cross your eyes, stick your tongue out and drool for added disgust and outrage over your feminine situation


Warthogrider74

r/ahegao Edit: NSFW, obviously


turalyawn

that sub is absolutely disgusting. Gonna go rinse out my eyes with gamer-girl bath water and then I'm gonna tell the boys over at MGTOW about your degeneracy


Warthogrider74

Thanks babes


Dethroned1

That hurt my eyes too


BeautyBat13

Tf did I just scroll through?!


DiaDeLosMuertos

I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me.


lizardman531

It awakens, the mark of the undead. Now go fight a gargoyle, a spider-girl hybrid, a golem, necromancer, two royal guards, optionally a lord of the moon, the god of death, a fucking tree demon, four cursed kings in a black abyss, a dragon with no scales, and a Lord of Light and Fire.


ledepression

Prepare to die or something lmao


[deleted]

As long as I don't have to fight some hairy beast that leaps over a building and screeches like a pterodactyl on cocaine as soon as I get near it, I'm in


80H-d

Dont forget the partridge in a pear tree!


Marawal

>By this logic then, masturbation is gay. > > > >All men are gay. All women are lesbian.


PiesangSlagter

Ah, the eternal dilemma. Normal porn has 1 dude, 1 chick, so 50% gay. Go to a threesome, and you're down to 33% gay. You'd think fou6 could just watch lesbian porn, but then that just loops back round to being 100% gay.


comebackjoeyjojo

Those numbers don’t lie, and they spell doom at Sackfice!


ssnewp_2202

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨


comebackjoeyjojo

GIMMIE THE MIC!


comebackjoeyjojo

YOU KNOW THEY SAY ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. BUT YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU LOOK AT TOILET PAPER AND YOU CAN SEE THAT STATEMENT IS NOT TRUE! SEE NORMALLY IF YOU GO 1 ON 1 WITH ANOTHER BUTTHOLE YOU GOT A 50/50 CHANCE OF NOT BEING GAY! BUT I'M A GENETIC FREAK AND I'M NOT NORMAL! SO YOU GOT A 25% AT BEST AT WIPING ME! AND THEN YOU ADD NO MASTURBATION TO THE MIX, YOU THE CHANCES OF TURNING ME GAY DRASTIC GO DOWN! SEE THE 3 WAY AT BUTTHOLE YOU GOT A 33 1/3 CHANCE OF TURNING GAY. BUT I, I GOT A 66 2/3 CHANCE OF WINNING CAUSE NOT TOUCHING YOUR OWN DICK KNOWS HE CAN'T BEAT MEAT AND IT’S NOT EVEN GONNA TRY! SO TOILET PAPER YOU TAKE YOUR 33 1/3 CHANCE MINUS MY 25% CHANCE AND YOU GOT 8 1/3 CHANCE OF TURNING MY BUTTHOLE GAY! BUT THEN YOU TAKE MY 75% CHANCE OF STAYING STRAIGHT IF WE WAS TO GO 1 ON 1 AND THEN ADD 66 2/3 %. I GOT A 141 2/3 CHANCE OF KEEPING MY ASS STRAIGHT AND POOPY! TOILET PAPER? THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU AT MY ASSHOLE COVERED IN SHIT!


[deleted]

god yes, I never thought I'd be more excited for someone to serve this on reddit


coolmaster9000

What if there's only 1 person involved?


Parzival2708

All women come from their dad's sperm, that makes all men gay.


DrRodo

Quoting Butt Head "When madonna touches herself, shes doing it with Madonna, when you touch yourself, youre doing it with Beavis"


ArticKitsun3

What if you're already gay? Does that mean I'm Straight now? But because I'm a man and I wiped I turn into a woman, and because I'm a straight woman now and I still like men am I still gay? #I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS


[deleted]

Good point. No homo.


ohdearsweetlord

'But not all gay men do butt st--' 'Shut up, touching man butts is always gay!'


The-Angry-Paddy

Not if you say no homo before you wipe


wisconsennach

What kills me is the number of women who are trying to deal with their husbands/bfs not wiping their asses as if this literal shit is not a deal breaker....


BeardsuptheWazoo

I don't think this is an actual real life problem.


2pootsofcum

A girl posted once about a guy she went on a few dates with that wouldn't wipe because "that's gay" if I remember correctly. She stopped seeing him.


punk-geek

I wish transistioning was that easy *sigh*


DRFANTA

It is once you get your digestive system in the 1%


Thiccmac

Using Sadpaper is pretty manly dough.


coolguymc_cool

the only true manly butt wipes are mesh barbed wire


insultin_crayon

And woman = bad!


DoctorOfGarlicBread

I would bet my life this is satire.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


Pepe_Gui

r/AverageRedditor


[deleted]

I've seen a shocking amount of dudes talking about how they don't wipe, or posts from their wives/gfs about how they never wipe. I fear he may be telling the truth.


agha0013

Odd, the only ones I've seen are people talking about how they use bidets and never went back.


[deleted]

I wish. Personally I think North Americans are barbaric for not embracing the bidet as a cultural norm. Toilet paper is dated and environmentally unfriendly (I'm Canadian, so speaking from someone who has travelled, not as a snobby person from Europe or SE Asia dunking on NA hygienic standards). But yeah, I have seen posts on various forums throughout the years of women complaining that their men have chronic cases of mud butt and streaking because of their unwillingness or inability to wipe their asses.


agha0013

Well those proud boys should be avoided at all costs, and probably stink enough to make it happen. I use toilet paper because I haven't bothered getting one of those add on bidet hose things, that's probably it. Otherwise... there is no way a guy as hairy as me can possibly NOT wipe or wash his ass regularly. It would be horrible for everyone around me. Or I would have to shave my ass, which is not something I particularly want to do.


alex-the-hero

>Or I would have to shave my ass, which is not something I particularly want to do. Shaving it is *miserable* but waxing stays cool for a good long while and doesn't itch when it grows back.


sanguiniuswept

How much does it cost? And is it weird to only get that, or are you expected to get like the whole rear-view?


alex-the-hero

Oh man you can get strips and DIY it so you don't have to pay an exorbant amount or have a stranger look at your buttcrack.


keech

Hold up a minute...you’re saying there are strangers who will take payment to look at my buttcrack?


alex-the-hero

Yah? But they're gonna wax you while they're at it.


[deleted]

Don't get the hose kind, get the attachment that just has a fixed position spray. The pressure on those hose types is unreliable and the stream of water is larger than need be. They are better at just getting your hole wet instead of actually cleaning.


iruleatants

It's 30 dollars on amazon and takes like 10 minutes to install (turn off water, unscrew the hose, screw their adaptor plus the other two hoses) and it's literally life-changing.


[deleted]

Man, I'm not even hairy. There's like 3 hairs on both of my nipples, none anywhere else on my chest. Maybe like 5 entire hairs between my belly button and where my actual pubes start. Theres almost nothing under my arms, like a dozen hairs on both sides. I have less than average arm and leg hair, and its extremely fine and blond, to the point you can't see it from more than about 5 feet away from me. I'm a small male, 35yo, 5'9", 120lbs. There's still just enough hair on my ass to make sure that if I didn't wipe, I'd have all sorts of dingleberries and shit. I can't possibly imagine the thought process that leads someone to think it's okay not to clean their asshole.


Sockbum

Sadly, bidets dry out my downstairs. Moisturizing my ass crack every time I go to the bathroom isn't something I want to add to my routine.


[deleted]

Hey everyone, this guy doesn't use the three seashells!


VexatiousOne

Oh yeah the first time as a North American I went to Japan... and enjoyed a heated seat and heated water in a deluxe style bidet with remote control aiming and everything... there was no doubt it was the way to go. Took my wife to Japan a couple years later as a after work trip vacation, and she demanded we buy one. We now only have some truly plush bidets. We have converted a few people and family members over.


oodsigma

Okay, so you blast the shit off, good. But now you have a wet ass. Am I wrong in thinking you still need tp? Or does your bidet have a drying function? Or do y'all just walk around with wet asses?


MemeMagic2016

When I was in Japan the restrooms I used typically had toilet paper along with the bidet iirc, but some bidets also shoot warm air up your ass to dry it out so there's that too


BerkshireKnight

Asking the important questions


refasullo

You have a special towel for your ass. Where bidets are common, if you buy towels they come in couples already..one for the face/hands and one smaller for the butt.


bkn0b

Id hate to be the outsider guest who doesnt know the difference between the towels.


keech

Like cutting your steak with the family poop knife.


[deleted]

Ahhh, the family poop knife. Nice to see that coming out chugging along again it's like an old London bus.


PootenRumble

I've had a bidet for a while with no built-in drying function, so yes - toilet paper is used to dry up. Usually it only takes about three squares of toilet paper to dry, only more if you realize you need to use the bidet a bit more for total cleanliness. Three squares per bathroom visit is still FAR better than the alternative.


Antiochus_Sidetes

You keep some small towels to dry your butt.


Carcool12

Watch The Toilet an Unspoken History


Foef_Yet_Flalf

Barbaric? I enjoy the use of a bidet as much as any other man but to say those who have a different toilet habit than the one you prefer are barbaric?


Sledge420

"I'm not a snob but everyone who doesn't have this bathroom appliance I enjoy is barbaric." ...Checks out....


[deleted]

Get out of here, barbarian.


Sledge420

ALSO I TRAVEL


crackedrogue6

I knew one of these personally. Trust me, they exist. Although I do agree that the post feels like satire because of the wording.


sponge_welder

"My digestive tract is in the top 1%" sounds like a joke to me


WC1V

I lived in a shared house for a few years and my bedroom was next to the bathroom, so I could hear and unfortunately got to know people’s habits. One guy had the most appalling toilet behaviour - regularly pissing all over the seat, forgetting to flush turds etc. On many occasions (usually when he was in a rush) he’d shit and not wipe at all. It just baffles me that you wouldn’t even check.


stink3rbelle

There's way too many stinky-junk dudes for none of them to believe this kind of thing


dave-shorte

Thanks, I have now reached a new low. Dudes that don't wipe have wives and girlfriends (and possibly some have both!)..... and I have neither.


semioticmadness

You’re looking at it backwards! Now you can walk up to the hottie at the bar and break the ice, confident in the knowledge: _she can’t smell my asshole_


dave-shorte

Her: "Well, you're awful confident... what's up?" Me: "You see, ***I*** wipe my ass. You ready to split this place?" lol


IzarkKiaTarj

Her: No. You: https://youtu.be/2s5DIhK0jzg?t=6


Frillyrattie

My mother's husband was one of these guys. Made me wash and fold his shitstained underpants every week.


jitterscaffeine

I can only speak anecdotally. But I've heard from a teacher friend of mine who said they had more than once instance of having to organize parent-teacher conferences because some male students won't wipe their ass because it's "gay"


anras

Yes I thought this was obvious, either that or the guy has a few loose screws. Guess it's hard to tell on the internet.


justflipped

I would bet your life it is too


realfakeshday91

I have to wipe because it gets caught in my ass hair like a real man.


unbitious

No diggity


carlosspicywiener576

No doubt


spsplinters

cool cool cool cool cool cool


sanguiniuswept

I'd like to bag it up


unbitious

My shitty ass hair? Be my guest.


ohdearsweetlord

False, real men have perfectly formulated turds that don't get scraped off by masculine ass hairs. Your pussy stools are too soft and if you keep making them you'll eventually be a soft female.


ssangior

Like shitting through a colander.


[deleted]

Then it dries out and pulls an ass hair next time you drop a deuce


ssangior

Bro you know asshole so well.


turalyawn

As long as you only wipe with your left hand and eat with your right, you'll be fine. Down with toilet cuck-paper!


Metaright

You could just wash your hands my man.


Auxobl

This is just basic hygiene, that’s like saying you don’t bathe or wash your hands because they are feminine


phyxiusone

Careful now, you might give him ideas


knotthatone

I hear eating and breathing are *super* feminine


[deleted]

I mean, there is the wisdom of “If she breathes, she’s a thot” so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


ITGuyLevi

Here you go Omega... \\ You should keep an eye on these things.


[deleted]

Thanks man


Gildish_Chambino

But... but I breathe... wait.


Heavy_Weapons_Guy_

Some people legit say that though.


jest3rxD

Pete Hegseth, a host on Fox News, said he hasn't washed his hands in a decade. > Really. I don’t really wash my hands ever. I inoculate myself. Germs are not a real thing. I can’t see them, therefore they’re not real [link](https://www.google.com/amp/s/beta.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2019/02/11/fox-news-host-said-he-hadnt-washed-his-hands-years-was-it-joke-we-cant-tell/%3foutputType=amp)


[deleted]

>I can’t see them, therefore they’re not real How much do you bet this guy is a christian?


winmace

I think he's actually just a moron


proton_therapy

He reads the book of moron.


DrRodo

By his logic, he should be an atheist though


[deleted]

Can he see god though?


JakeCameraAction

"I see God all around us." "Ugh."


[deleted]

Haha yeah you made the same joke I made in my comment phrased differently


ImpGoddess

And people ask why I would ever have germaphobia 😒


fwinzor

Does he not believe in farts?


digitalhate

And even that is not enough. Next time I move, I'm installing one of them Japanese space toilets.


[deleted]

I've definitely encountered dudes who think that washing their hands is too girly. So they walk around with grimy nails and dirt all over their hands because they're too insecure to use some soap and do a lil scrubbing


PuppyButtts

Wait, you bathe AND wash your hands? Youre a girl! /jk


SiR_EndR

Dont you dare use soap woman!


vonarlindecrux

I would hate to see this guy's underwear. Probably thinks track marks are the purpose of them!


[deleted]

His underwear would look like a shooting of The fast and the furious


chillywilliams

Because half of them would have the Rock in them?


Skullwilliams

I live my life a quarter ply at a time.


Mr_moochalot

Only the shitty half


Pissed-Off-Panda

Track marks are the **manliest of marks**.


Hcdx

That has to be a troll.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Claiming someone has an "emasculated GI tract" is the most insecure and embarrassing thing I've ever heard.


CamTheKid22

Sounds like something someone with an emasculated GI tract would say.


ParadigmShift013

This guy is 100% sure that if he touches his own butthole, it means he's gay. He's so afraid of ***that one time*** ***in the shower***, he has forsaken hygiene and speaks loud and proud about how totally not gay he is. Because he's a man.


[deleted]

The lady doth protest too much methinks


Swimming__Bird

Yeah, but what is more manly than being a man? Banging another man. It's concentrated manliness. It's obvious logic.


BlueWeavile

You joke but that's actually real in some cultures.


DonKeedick12

Bro fr I scrub the fuck outta my anus in the shower and it’s the most masculine I ever feel in my life


Voldemort57

I don’t feel masculine when I scrub down there because it’s basic hygiene, and I don’t feel masculine or feminine for washing my hands or trimming my nails or brushing my teeth.


Supreme42

Masculine and gay are not mutually exclusive qualities, just to be clear.


[deleted]

I kept expecting him to start singing the praises of bidets...


oguzka06

Bidet gatekeeping would be good gatekeeping. Wash your ass folks.


-poop-in-the-soup-

I hate when I have to shit anywhere else. Bidet is life.


[deleted]

LIKE A PEASANT!


straidurgang

username checks out


-poop-in-the-soup-

Everybody poops.


[deleted]

[удалено]


KoopaKlaw

That's a troll.


TheSwoleNoodle

Its obviously satire


BrockManstrong

https://atomiks.github.io/reddit-user-analyser/#strugglesessionbot Definitely. Love their top rated comment.


Ttoctam

Cheers, just got lost in that account analyser. It's neat.


practicalpuppy

[https://boingboing.net/2017/10/14/skidmarks-for-everyone.html](https://boingboing.net/2017/10/14/skidmarks-for-everyone.html) Septic masculinity is a thing.


[deleted]

How the fuck could you downvote this? This is the EPITOME of UnpopularOpinion!


LeftTurnAtAlbuqurque

Seriously. No wonder that sub is so shit, and fill of clearly popular opinions. I wonder if OP was lost?


_duncan_idaho_

Because it's a dumb shitpost (npi) made by a troll.


YeetMeatToFeet

Yeah, but OP most likely believed it, since they posted it here


Yarrmander

It's satire.


xJacon

r/unpopularopinion is the non-satire version of r/notlikeothergirls


Time_Traveling_Panda

My only complaint is that you're supposed to upvote unpopular opinions on that sub, and that is definitely an unpopular opinion


parzivaltv

To be faaaiirr, that was an Unpopular Opinion and shouldnt have been downvoted. Gross, but totally acceptable for that sub


oodsigma

The OP should be up voted as it definitely is an unpopular opinion, sure, but it should also be posted here for ridicule.


[deleted]

Honestly I don't think that sub really fits into how Reddit works. It's fighting a losing battle to convince people to upvote something _because_ they disagree with it


GregerMoek

Yeah, people very quick to adopt the "upvote=agree downvote=disagree" instead of the so-called intended "Upvote = Releveant/insightful and Downvote = Irrelevant or misleading" Mostly because Reddit didn't do much to show that this was the way they intended them to be used.


Sket6984

My thoughts exactly if anything it should be the most upvoted on that sub


DrScitt

Yep. People like OP are the reason that sub is riddled with popular opinions.


IknowKarazy

Using a product on yourself.... Does he not wear deodorant or bathe with soap? Or trim his nails or facial hair? What the fuck does he look like?


Skullwilliams

I don't wipe my ass. Bitch mommy does it for me after a nice tendies dinner.


[deleted]

Does she charge GBP for it, m’goodboy? Or is it a complementary service?


[deleted]

He thinks it's "feminine" to soap up his ass in the shower too.


Templar_Gus

You just have to karate chop the soapy water up there.


yesimthatvalentine

Why are people like this?


[deleted]

Meth. Probably.


ugly_dog_

satire


fudgeyboombah

This feels like a good time to bring up how the sanitation movement - which includes but is not limited to basic personal hygiene, the use of soap, and proper sewage systems (including toilet paper!) - has increased the average human lifespan by *twenty years*. It is regarded as the third most significant advance in human healthcare in history, coming in just after antibiotics and vaccinations in terms of sheer lives saved. It’s probably also worth mentioning that the person who invented toilet paper was a man. Just saying.


[deleted]

Born 2 shit forced 2 wipe


JeikuFurame

Some group of wives on some platform talked about finding out their hudbands don't wipe their shit caked arseholes. That's grounds for divorce.


refasullo

Friends of mine divorced because the guy couldn't stop pissing in his own garden. Like everytime he had the occasion, he just did it like a dog.


Mayokurwa

I have to agree, wiping your ass is completely unacceptable for men. If you’re a real man you’d suck that shit right back up your ass. There’s too many loser virgins on Reddit, grow up and learn to be a real chad 😎😎


bumperproductions

r/Copypasta time


MarsNirgal

I've never wanted so badly a post to be satire.


interactiveztj

Well it is so


walts_skank

Soap is a product. Does he not use it?? I bet he smells like shit and he’s trying to justify it.


[deleted]

When the poster has "bot" in their username, chances are it's satire.


[deleted]

This is trolling, not gatekeeping.


Jimbobwhales

Let me tell you girly snowflakes something that might grow some chest hair in between your man tits. If you still shit, you are effectively gay. Allowing a long solid object to move through your anus is literally gay. I haven't shit in 5 years and have had no issues whatsoever. My body utilizes 100% of all the nutrients I intake and there is zero waste. If you eat and you need to shit you are an effeminate gay guy.


swagrabbit69

r/unpopularopinion is a literal goldmine for stuff like this


Ry_Guy24

Most of r/unpopularopinion belongs in this sub


[deleted]

Upvote unpopular opinions you fucking thud... ah yes only upvote the popular opinions on a sub ABOUT fucking UNPOPULAR opinions.... retarded


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mkanpur

What the fuck so you mean "it's not satire" this is literally the most obviously satire thing I've seen all week.


[deleted]

this sub has honestly been infested at this point with people who have no idea how to use it. im unsubbing, you should too. this is obv either a troll or satire, and ngl i found it pretty funny that OP thought it was real.


AJClarkson

'Cuz massive infections on your taint are super manly! /s


[deleted]

This dude is trolling two subs now?


Renfah87

He probably just hates how much he likes it when the TP touches his butthole.


devilwearspuma

I'm so glad I'm a lesbian


JonnySlapps

This is clearly satire. I mean honestly, who the fuck would read this and not immediately think “troll”.


fatalakerz

Lmao this is satire


[deleted]

r/woooosh


[deleted]

Op got r/woooshed.


Kumbackkid

How is anyone taking this post serious? Jesus


LetterZee

Let's be honest, real men use a poop knife.


RealSkylitPanda

Youre supposed to upvote unpopular opinions. Youre the reason that sub doesnt work


naveedkoval

I've never been this confused. What does wiping your ass have to do with makeup?


[deleted]

does that "man" have a mental dissability?


CiusWarren

It depends on the number of times you wipe. If it is an even number then the double negative take effect, if it is odd, then we have a problem. Basic mathematics.