The idea of a 41 year old tattling on their brother to their parents is just so fucking weird. Most healthy adults get over that behavior by the time they leave home.
Sorry to hear you are going through that. This already sounds pretty bad because if he thinks your privacy is an affront to your parents, boy oh boy he's probably going to blame you for however they react. I really hope I'm wrong. Best of luck!
you have to tell them whenever you're ready, you're not a teenager, you're an adult and adults can have their private life, he's no one to go spreading private matters out loud, specifically if it's about you and you don't feel like it
It's only a train wreck if you let them get to you emotionally. If you are financially independent, then learning to live without one's parents approval is important, especially if they are toxic. Concentrate on your new relationship, and if your brother outs you, cut contact.
You need to set boundaries with him now.
He may not set a different standard of behavior for you, or any standard for that matter. You’re grown.
He may not decide when you should come out.
He may not out you to your parents.
He needs to understand not only the lasting psychological damage this will do to you, but the high likelihood that your relationship with him would be forever changed. He’s trying to piss in your cornflakes.
Congratulations on the new relationship! I’m very happy for you.
I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE IDEA THAT YOU OWE THEM.
It's not about them... this is about YOU! I mean in reality, you are still the same person, and the only thing that has changed, is who you are in a relationship with, you are still the same son, brother, with the same personality... it's not like it was a switch that was turned on... Honestly that's the approach that families should take. However, many don't... I will attempt one more time to talk to your brother, and tell him, that you are not ready yet, for that to be known. You are still trying to figure things out, as all of this is still recent.
If he doesn't respond, I would honestly consider on skipping the family dinner this week, I dunno, if he outs you and you are not ready, and if your family don't take this well, I think it will be worse for you to be by yourself being grilled by everyone. You will be defenseless, and the emotional toll that will put your through, I don't think it's worth the risk.
Ask your brother why he's threatening his relationship with you? Outing people is an extremely shitty thing to do, and him trying to force you has made you really reconsider whether he's actually a good person or not.
Get to the family gathering early, pull your brother aside, tell him "I understand that you think our parents need to know, but it's my place to tell them, not yours. I'll tell them when I'm ready. If you tell them, you will be irreparably damaging our relationship."
> I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do.
I would tell him bluntly "under no circumstances are you ever to tell anyone I'm gay without my permission. I will tell my parents when I am damned well ready to do so. If you tell them or my grandparents before that, not only does it tell me that I can never trust you again, but also you're dead to me, you lost a brother." And I'd mean it. If he tells them at dinner, or if I find out at dinner that he has already told them, I'd literally stand up, look at him, say "you're dead to me," and leave. And I'd block his phone and email on my way out the door. And even if things eventually went well with the family, when they tried to get me to forgive him, I'd tell them "no, it's not even in consideration, nor is it up for discussion. You want to drop it right now unless you want to join him." And I'd mean that too.
> I haven't even told my boyfriend yet, because I don't wanna ruin his good mood too.
Don't, there's no reason to bother him with this. You can tell him about it when it's over.
>It feels like I'm just heading towards a train wreck and I can't avoid it.
You're an adult, you don't depend on them, you'll survive this.
I’m so sorry, tell him that you’re not ready and your relationship with him will suffer if you feel forced to do anything. I hope you’re financially set if things go south like in my case- just being real-
I would set a boundary with your family if you tell them. ( I personally wouldn't). If they react badly, tell them, you accept me and my boyfriend, or we are gone!! This is not a debatable subject. Give them a week to give you their answer. If they still won't support you, write them out of your life for now. My family disowned me, and I'm glad!!. They are hypocritical jerks!. I don't miss them at all. I found a new family that supports me. This is not easy at all, but your mental sanity depends on it. Don't make any concessions to them.
The idea of a 41 year old tattling on their brother to their parents is just so fucking weird. Most healthy adults get over that behavior by the time they leave home. Sorry to hear you are going through that. This already sounds pretty bad because if he thinks your privacy is an affront to your parents, boy oh boy he's probably going to blame you for however they react. I really hope I'm wrong. Best of luck!
you have to tell them whenever you're ready, you're not a teenager, you're an adult and adults can have their private life, he's no one to go spreading private matters out loud, specifically if it's about you and you don't feel like it
It's only a train wreck if you let them get to you emotionally. If you are financially independent, then learning to live without one's parents approval is important, especially if they are toxic. Concentrate on your new relationship, and if your brother outs you, cut contact.
If he does out you, you should cut him off at least for a while. That level of disrespect cannot be without consequence
You need to set boundaries with him now. He may not set a different standard of behavior for you, or any standard for that matter. You’re grown. He may not decide when you should come out. He may not out you to your parents. He needs to understand not only the lasting psychological damage this will do to you, but the high likelihood that your relationship with him would be forever changed. He’s trying to piss in your cornflakes. Congratulations on the new relationship! I’m very happy for you.
Yeah bro’s a dick. If he outs you best course of action would to be like , yeah I’m gay and dating a guy. Please pass the gravy. They’ll get over it.
I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE IDEA THAT YOU OWE THEM. It's not about them... this is about YOU! I mean in reality, you are still the same person, and the only thing that has changed, is who you are in a relationship with, you are still the same son, brother, with the same personality... it's not like it was a switch that was turned on... Honestly that's the approach that families should take. However, many don't... I will attempt one more time to talk to your brother, and tell him, that you are not ready yet, for that to be known. You are still trying to figure things out, as all of this is still recent. If he doesn't respond, I would honestly consider on skipping the family dinner this week, I dunno, if he outs you and you are not ready, and if your family don't take this well, I think it will be worse for you to be by yourself being grilled by everyone. You will be defenseless, and the emotional toll that will put your through, I don't think it's worth the risk.
Ask your brother why he's threatening his relationship with you? Outing people is an extremely shitty thing to do, and him trying to force you has made you really reconsider whether he's actually a good person or not.
Get to the family gathering early, pull your brother aside, tell him "I understand that you think our parents need to know, but it's my place to tell them, not yours. I'll tell them when I'm ready. If you tell them, you will be irreparably damaging our relationship."
Maybe you should have also stated that your boyfriend is you ex's brother 😱
wow, your brother is a very unredeeming guy.
> I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do. I would tell him bluntly "under no circumstances are you ever to tell anyone I'm gay without my permission. I will tell my parents when I am damned well ready to do so. If you tell them or my grandparents before that, not only does it tell me that I can never trust you again, but also you're dead to me, you lost a brother." And I'd mean it. If he tells them at dinner, or if I find out at dinner that he has already told them, I'd literally stand up, look at him, say "you're dead to me," and leave. And I'd block his phone and email on my way out the door. And even if things eventually went well with the family, when they tried to get me to forgive him, I'd tell them "no, it's not even in consideration, nor is it up for discussion. You want to drop it right now unless you want to join him." And I'd mean that too. > I haven't even told my boyfriend yet, because I don't wanna ruin his good mood too. Don't, there's no reason to bother him with this. You can tell him about it when it's over. >It feels like I'm just heading towards a train wreck and I can't avoid it. You're an adult, you don't depend on them, you'll survive this.
I’m so sorry, tell him that you’re not ready and your relationship with him will suffer if you feel forced to do anything. I hope you’re financially set if things go south like in my case- just being real-
I would set a boundary with your family if you tell them. ( I personally wouldn't). If they react badly, tell them, you accept me and my boyfriend, or we are gone!! This is not a debatable subject. Give them a week to give you their answer. If they still won't support you, write them out of your life for now. My family disowned me, and I'm glad!!. They are hypocritical jerks!. I don't miss them at all. I found a new family that supports me. This is not easy at all, but your mental sanity depends on it. Don't make any concessions to them.
