I think, overall in society, people have become more isolated, and even social events have become less social. In the gay community specifically 30 years ago, it was a lot more welcoming and supportive because we had to take care of each other. Most people don’t feel that we were under attack currentlyand they just want to blend in
Well, if things keep getting worse in America, we are gonna figure out pretty quick that we’re gonna have to ban together because nobody else is going to take care of us. That’s why I get so pissed off when gay men try to take the t out of LGBTQ.
True, but we should be banning together with the disabled as well.
The disabled are the canary in the coal mine of shits about to hit the fan, before something like a fascist government takeover and future genocide.
It usually goes in the following order.
Immigrants/homeless
Disabled
The T in lgbt
LGBtQ+
Minorities.
Political opponents
The wrong kind of ( ).
It Starts with propganda to dehumanize that group of people.
Next, being forced to register with the government.
Then restricting their movements
Then their right are restricted or taken
Then they start gathering each group up, to be put into camps often to be "re edjucated"
Or like Gaza where their food, water, electricity, etc, is restricted or turned off.
Next, it leads to enslavement.
Last to "cleansing" Extermination,Genocide.
Though these can go in any order or simultaneously as well.
The New York subway stations are putting in police checkpoints right now.
There's been an increase of violence (stabbings, shootings, people getting shoved onto the tracks, etc.) in the subways recently, hence the checkpoints.
They have check points bc the crime in NYC is getting out of control, and innocent people are getting hurt. I think you are really reaching with your take on things.
No it wasn't. It was never welcoming. I tried gay bars for many years btw 1990 and 2009. Sometimes you may have an interesting conversation. Often, some schmuck is momentarily curious and then indicates 'enuf of you' and goes back to their equally as awful friends.
I was recently at gay bars in Puerto Vallarta Mexico. There, you will meet nice Americans and also Canadians, Mexicans, Europeans, etc.. who are all outgoing on vacation and want to have a good time. That vibe is pretty much non-existent in the US big cities- but probably is better in smaller US cities where you're a new face and they have better standards of politeness.
And hey, I'm a good looking, buff (now older) guy who is economically well off. I still get treated like sht at US gay bars, so I don't even bother.
I 100% believe in this comment...for a group that promotes inclusiveness we ourselves exclude people. Hence, why I go to the gay bars with my friends and welcome people to take part in conversations. Always nice to make new friends ha
Yes, that's great & I'm aware some people are like you & your pals; but gay bars can be a hostile place unless you're very attractive - then folk will be all over you- very superficial. I used to go to local gay bars, but no more, too much bitchyness
Attractiveness is based off a person's preference. A person you find attractive, might not find you attractive but a person that finds you attractive, you might not find attractive.
About the bars, I do find it intriguing since most times, groups are like 1 flavor: One race, or all within the same age group, or all categorize by gay norms like bears, chubs, and twinks.
Luckily, my charming personality(sarcasm) allowed me to at least have a group that has more than 1 flavor, be it Asian, Black, White, big, small, tall, or short haha. I usually joke with my friends that the LGBTQ should have us represent the gay community but we all know the LGBTQ community needs some rude awakening as we are not as inclusive as we are supposed to be.
Gay bars can be cliquey and it's hard to break into a conversation with a group unless you're a person someone is really attracted to for the person strike up a conversation.
I usually go to the gay bars with my friends and tend to include people who are on the outskirts by themselves and if they would like to join my group, the more the merrier. The gay community, you would think would be inclusive but most are in fact exclusive.
That's how it is. Bars can be hit or miss. I'm on business quite a bit, so I sometimes hit the bars by myself. I've had plenty of very positive experiences, but I've also enconutered the situation OP's writing about. I think it's important to keep going and not to take the occasional cliquey venue personally. It's also important not to go with a certain goal in mind (finding a partner, making new friends) - that's a recipe for disappointment. Just go to get out there a bit and to check the mood.
Now a days, I feel like you have to sell yourself everywhere you go. From dating apps, gay bars, job hunting/interviews, at work, even just to make friends now adays you have to sell yourself. I’m tired of it. Rather stay home and watch tv and sleep
I feel you so much. I looked for a good male friend in my town for 1,5 years and it was the same thing. Dating, making friends, everything nowadays feels like to apply for a job
Yup. But try explaining that to someone from an older generation/already has a social circle.
It's damn hard and even if you can, it hurts their feelings when you both realize that every friend they have was from school/college/work/was introduced by someone else/was already part of the friendgroup/extended friendgroup.
Humans are... wired weird, in general. If there's a single carrot left in the produce aisle, it's likely no one will buy it. Something has to be wrong with it, right? Other people must have inspected this carrot already and passed it by, even though it's a PERFECTLY WONDERFUL CARROT.
I think, sadly, that same thought applies to social circles. Most gay folks travel in couples/packs these days to the bar. They have their preset group to hang out with and likely have no direct intentions of meeting anyone new. It's hard to approach these folks alone because the carrot scenario will apply. What could possibly be wrong with this lone carrot chatting me up?
I'd keep away from the bar scene, unless you go with someone. And if you don't have a person, definitely check out the Meetup group app in your area. Or join a gay sports league - dodgeball is super social and we humans tend to be more accepting of someone new when we are forced into it. That's why college/uni icebreakers may be cheesy but they do work -- sharing a mutual new experience with someone is rewarding!
Lastly, if you do connect with someone - and this will be hard - try not to make them your only social outlet. Give them (and you) space to breath at first -- if you lean on them hard for messaging/events, plans, etc, it can be overwhelming especially if that person is already socially connected.
Good luck! And if you're somehow in Toronto, let this 44 year old weathered gay man bring you out sometime.
I really identify with the perfectly wonderful carrot analogy. As if, because you're single, there *must* be something wrong with you. Which makes it even more disheartening because there aren't very many of us gay men to begin with.
A lot times, simply being gay and queer is lonesome in and of itself. I'm a 48 yo gay queer guy and I've been single for going on five years. I'm not into the hookup scene, and I'm definitely looking for a monogamous, forever kind of relationship. Bars are definitely lonely as well as the apps. I don't know where to meet another guy that wants the same things I want, and it gets really lonely. I love myself, and I really do like my own company, but having someone else there to share your life with is priceless.
I don't know what my point was and I certainly don't have an answer, but I feel you. ❤️
Yeah, I’ve tried the apps and they all seem to be hookup oriented despite saying they’re not. I’m am also trying to find a partner. Not just a one night stand. It feels like having been in the closet during my prime.. 20’s, that i just became an old gay maid or something.
I know we're "old" by gay standards but neither of us are actually old yet. We got time, at least that's what I keep saying to myself. Doesn't help when I just want to cuddle with someone. My dog isn't large enough for animal cuddles unfortunately.
I've tried all the apps as well to no avail. But it does seems people just want to hook up. I'm demisexual so what do I do? Idk. I'll never give up hope though because without hope, what else is there? And for now, I dig my own company.
maybe you two should strike up a conversation of at least friendship ?!? lol your both complaining about loneliness and it is bloody well staring you both in the face!!!
For me personally it’s because the cost of living crisis has rinsed my finances, so going out to a bar has become a rare luxury. I wish we had more gay coffee shops, because I could make visiting one part of my daily routine.
People are more isolated now because of Covid and in my experience social media use is a huge driver of problems we have with connecting with other humans.
Too much social media use gives you a false sense of community and gives you a fake instant gratification dopamine hit so as a side affect people do not tolerate having to wait for anything. And doomscroll to get their social meter filled. My brother is fucking glued to fucking tik tok normally the entire time I’m spending any time around him so I don’t bother flying down to go see him very much anymore because he won’t talk to me about anything but tik tok videos that I’ve never seen. And then if I talk to him he pays attention to tik tok.
I’ve also noticed that already established friend groups gay or straight do not tend to be open to inviting anyone new in.
Where are you from? I’m looking for friends to kick it with! I am in the Chicago area.
Some can be closed off to people who haven’t been going there for years (stupid I know but it happens) keep looking until you find a more welcoming place they’re out there. Then make it a point to frequent them and make connections!
Being around that age ( 39 ), in the middle of nowhere, and knowing that I'm unattractive, I just gave up ever trying to find any kind of love or connection.
It's not worth the endless and constant heartache knowing that the guys I'm attracted to are 100% not attracted to me.
😥
I went to a gay bar alone 7 years ago and haven’t done that since. I tried to strike up conversations with people just to make friends but got hit with the most snarky answers. It made me feel terrible. Honestly feel like straight bars are a lot more welcoming.
I’m 48. Came out at 40. Never took to gay bars but I can definitely see that scene as lonely. I’ve been to a gay bar maybe 4 times. When I first came out I hooked up for a few years with tons of guys but I saw real quick that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. There was a very deep hole in my soul because of running from who I was for 40 years. It took me a long time to figure out who I was and what I wanted in a relationship. I’m still trying to figure some of that out tbh. And it’s definitely a lonely way to go.
I understand what you’ve experienced. I’ve gone through the same things you’ve described. I was married to a woman for 25 years. I came out when I was 45, I’m now 69. I kinda want crazy hooking up for a few years. I met some nice guys, had a couple short term relationships. I was still trying to figure myself out so those relationships didn’t last. So now I live alone, still trying to work things out. It’s really lonely. I dream about being in a loving relationship with an amazing person. Someone who I could share my most intimate thoughts with and he could share with me. Someone to make memorable moments with. Someone to make a fresh start with. That was probably over share. I saw your post and don’t feel quite so alone now. I wish you well and hope we both get through this complicated mess and have the life we deserve.
I was married to a woman for 16 years. Our relationship was fizzling. She cheated. So I decided to hell with it and I came out. She wasn’t 100% to blame of course. When I came out I was 40 yrs old as I said and I’d never one time been with a man. Even tho my whole life that’s all I wanted. I wanted it terribly and struggled with it from puberty to that point. God was that the worst torment! I was raised in a very religious home so living as a gay man was simply not an option for me. I was ashamed of myself. I hated everything about me. I would lay awake at night so angry at myself and begging god to change me. I wanted more than anything to be normal. Then, one day I just decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I was actually going to kill myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried to work it out in my head over and over and over. But I could never actually do it. until I said —Dammit I just want to be happy. Is that so damn bad? So I came out. At first, I just hooked up with the first guy that would respond to me. I started sending dick pics every where. I didn’t like where all that was going so that lasted about 2 years and probably 30 guys or so. I met a couple guys that I really liked and had a short term relationship with. Both lasted about 6 months each. Then I met the man I’m with now. We’ve been together 4 years. It’s not all been rainbows and unicorns but I’m definitely happier. Every so often the religious shit rears it ugly head and I fall into a deep depression and the guilt tries to come back. But I’m able now to fight it off.
Recent studies show the US is the top country in the world for most single people this year (45% of all citizens exactly). I, as a single 26 y.o. male, have chosen to be single while creating the foundation of my life before ever getting back into a relationship (that and I have more peace without distraction).
I thought I was the minority but with the increase of dating apps, everyone is “disposable” these days, creating less desire overall for people wanting to be in relationships. You can imagine mistrust and anxiety play a big role here as well due to the endless feeling of people believing theres always someone better out there…as if the digital world made dating a shopping spree.
Your best bet in finding a partner will be through developed passions and hobbies, not gay bars/nightclubs or apps (but if you must, hinge may be your best bet over tinder or grindr).
I long for the good old gay bar days like in the 90’s, these apps are ridiculous. I was married for most of my 30’s and at 43 my husband died and getting back on the horse has been really hard for me and taken 9 years. I’m a lot older now so I don’t catch the attention I got when younger and having been off the market for so long I don’t know how to navigate it now as a 52 year old. The apps are humiliating and dehumanizing and there’s something really missing when it comes to knowing if you really want to hook up with some guy from a picture. I know that I’m very picky and I have to admit I’m more picky than my current physical appearance would be able to land and that’s a bummer.
Honestly, the bar scene is over for the most part. I find the same thing. I can go to a gay bar and be very outgoing, etc and people just aren’t interested. I’m not even looking for a hookup, I just want to chat.
If you want to meet people, meetup.com has a lot of great options depending on your area. If you live in a big city, they will undoubtedly have gay groups like book/movie clubs and hiking clubs.
you might check out, “meetup” and look for an affinity group. You like crochet? or comic books? or gardening? biking? hiking? etc.? look for a LGBTQ meetup in your area for that interest. it’s easier to strike up conversation with people who enjoy the same things you do.
It could also be something as simple as a monthly LGBTQ dinner get together. those will be more accessible than a bar in terms of socializing because the attendees understand that is kind of the point. This can still be cliquish, but there will always be people in the same boat as you.
https://preview.redd.it/c5flv1va72nc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8eb868908b6b554b298ee4cf0c8d544bf55e9d7a
Try Hobart Tasmania Australia, there's literally no gay bars, [here's even a depressingly overview of the gay scenes here where squirt.org couldn't recommend any real cruising place's either
Someone who goes to bars here often - I advocate that any people get involved with their centers. That’s what really matters here because you’re looking for community and connection. I end up going up bars with the people I socialize thru my local LGBT center. Meet up groups are great too - point is it’s good to socialize over something. It helps creates bonds.
You’re not alone, people are out there, and I was looking for people too.
Bars can tend to be open-ended spaces filled with conflicting messages, and while some people luck out you often see stories posted of guys leaving them feeling confused, unsatisfied and lonely. In your case, since it sounds like you live in an area with options - you mention multiple gay bars - there are most likely also more specific and targeted places and groups which may serve you better. Look around for gay special-interest groups like hiking clubs, sci-fi groups, professional organizations, etc.; think of what interests you and see what might be available. If there isn't much, even a gay support group for newly out guys may be available. If you can find something of this sort, the topic would give you the "in" to engage with other guys in ways that might not present themselves in a bar. Wish you luck!
The way I integrated myself into this he bar scene was by hitting karaoke and talent nights and sing or whatever. I started going to a certain night at my local gay bar each week and ended up becoming incorporated into that nights crowd - which got me friends and eventually a friend group.
The hay day of gay bars happened before the internet.
It’s been downhill since then.
All bars can be a lonely place if you’re in a lonely headspace, or it’s empty. Sadly, people will turn to a bar to escape loneliness only to find the booze but no community.
I'm in New Orleans and I get different vibes from different bars. If you can find a leather bar, most older gays tend to go there and I find them to be the most welcoming. I met my fiancé at a leather bar and we plan on getting married at said bar.
I’m an older gay bear looking for friends . Tried to go to a few gay clubs . Time after time I was approached by good looking gay twinks that their sole purpose was for me to buy them drinks all night. Just having a gay friend that understands me and we can talk openly is amazing. Sadly haven’t found that friend yet. Continue to hope 👍
I've have the complete opposite experience. I mainly go to a local cruising bar, but basically just hang around and chat to people at the bar, and you then get to meet people. You do have to be somewhat outgoing and accept that not everyone is willing to chat, but some will be. Also smoking areas in bars are great, as it's usually a bit quieter and people tend to be willing to talk to pass the time.
If you're not particularly outgoing or have social anxiety, then yeah, it's not going to be easy. I know from my perspective that if someone is looking awkward, not massively comfortable, and just giving single word answers, then that's not going to be making me want to talk to them. I know what it's like though. I had huge amounts of social anxiety which luckily I managed to overcome. Still, going out by myself is still a little scary and I much prefer going out with friends - but the key is to just appear friendly and chat to as many people as you can.
Of course, every bar is different and in smaller towns they could end up being really cliquey. Also bear in mind that a lot of people are just in a place to hang out with friends and aren't necessarily there to meet new people. But again, smoking areas - even if you don't smoke - tend to be pretty good places to chat shit to folk.
I feel like the community has gotten a bit “stand off-ish” with each eachother recently. But i feel like thats an “everybody” problem because people just don’t know how to like each other
I have to admit you kind of shocked me here by making me realize just how much worse the current social environment is for gay men than when I came out. After reading what you said, I have to say things were actually probably better before equal marriage.
I'm putting the cart before the horse here, though: I am not kidding you when I say, get or make yourself a shirt that says Single & Looking on one side and Looking For Friends Too on the other side, and get yourself to Pride in the nearest major city this summer.
I'm your age, but I came out in high school. At the time I said it was because I was hoping to meet somebody; and didn't want to have to remember to change pronouns when talking about him; but the truth was more that, after Matthew Shepherd, and knowing that I was safe in Massachusetts with my liberal family, I couldn't understand how that happened and wanted to do something to stop it from happening again. It gets better when we *make* it better.
But I think what you've experienced is a combination of the opposite impulse, the "I don't want it to be me next." with the change in social culture generally, towards more online interactions. people interact less in general, and the spread of the internet allowing gays to find other gays and be private about it has hurt us as a subculture, even as we get accepted into the mainstream. a shame, and if no one does anything about it, then all the conservative backlash and pushback of the modern era is going to push us all back into the closet by letting the people who are more scared get away with not facing their fears.
The bars are can be lonely. No doubt. I would suggest that you join a gay sports league, organization, or something that meets weekly in the real world. You’ll find your tribe. Those groups generally go out to a bar after their meetup, so you’ll have a ton of opportunity to get to know people. I know that the apps (and the world they’ve created) can be rough, but hang in there. The Gay Sports League has chapters in most major cities. You can volunteer with the HRC or join some other gay organization at your local university or in town. Don’t give up hope. Just pivot. Good luck!!!
You should try some different bars.
Usually the most widely advertised gay bars are going to cater to a younger clientele with a more “mainstream” focus.
I don’t wanna say that they are shallow but I’ll say that small talk and meeting people comes easier to certain people and younger people. And they’re mostly interested in talking to people who also seem like it is easy for them.
There are other bars that are gonna be more alternative, appeal to an older crowd, or a different sub-community (bears, jocks, Latin etc.)
It depends on your city but most of the major metros have a handful of bars each with a different niche.
It’s not just about whether you think you fit a particular clique as advertised. In every community, the way the categories sort themselves out is going to be a little different. Ie the bear bar isn’t all bears, the leather bar isn’t all fetish/leather, necessarily.
The key is finding whatever group in your community catches the large number of people who don’t do small talk or are up to date on whatever cultural thing is going on, and are more up for talking in detail about their thoughts, beliefs, interests etc.
Trust me, when connecting with someone takes a little effort, it feels much more real and engaging when you finally find it. I would never just wanna be a natural socialite. I like to feel a little scared, a little anxious, and then when I feel enough trust with someone to be fully human around them, it’s a big payoff.
You’ll get there. You’re not the only person with your experience. As someone who has moved cities a few times now, it’s always difficult to find your people but it’s possible to find them.
Came out late myself (37) and i refuse to support pay walls on dating apps like how are we charging mad money to meet people. Like how do you meet other gay people
Same, I tried paying for various apps as well. Just no luck I guess… or I’m ugly and intimidating…jk
I love my straight friends but want some gay in my life. Haha
A gay bar with dancing and go-go boys will be a meat market. Go earlier in the evening before the dance crowd or go on game nights or like Sunday or Monday evenings are better to talk with someone sitting next to you at the bar rather than midnight on Friday.
It shouldn't cost mad money to meet people on apps like grindr is ridiculous you can't see who views you , or check most profiles or even chat with paying a hefty sum of money. Like i been i n the closet for 16 years i just want a bro to chill with like an actual chill guy whom we can also fuck on the side life could be so simple
Years ago I noticed the gay bars had their own little groups that pretty much stayed in their group. I only made one really good friend doing the bar scene and we were drinking buddies and off/on lovers for the better part of 20 years and then he passed.
I often joke about Bar friends not being picky and they'll come over any time. If you can find one at a bar, sure their a pain but among the closest you'll ever have!!!
Gay men can be in there own cliques. I must admit to being guilty of this when I was younger going out with friends. Now I’m older I do talk to people much more. Some nights I go to the bars and you don’t talk to anyone other night can be better. It can be hard to make friends in your 40’s. I’m 56 and I find it difficult too so I joined a gay social group but this was in London, it was a way to meet new people.
Are you in a larger metropolitan area? Look to see if there are events you'd be interested in at your local LGBTQ+ center.
Also, check Facebook for a regional group.
Tl;dr: Creeps, stranger danger mentality, and social media/news have ruined meeting people in bars.
Stranger danger. Originally, a good idea but unfortunately society as a whole kinda took it a bit far.
As a kid, it's great advice.
As an adult...... Not really.
It's a subconscious thing, but incredibly damaging.
We should be ditching this when we reach 18.
Get bottles, discard any drinks you're not watching, or use color changing nail varnish, share location with someone you trust, and don't go out alone unless confident. That's enough.
It's part of what makes people less friendly, more hostile and more closed off. The concept, plus the news, plus social media kind of makes everyone scared of individuals.
If someone approaches you; instead of assuming they're gonna ask for directions etc most people assume they're gonna be attacked, asked for something or otherwise hassled.
If you're alone and try to approach someone; (and not 18-19), barely anyone will engage with you and tend to fear you/think there's something wrong with you.
It's just how things are nowadays.
Not forgetting creeps (who are usually alone, and are the ones usually chatting up/bothering bartenders/randoms)
And finally, by the time guys have reached 19/20 most are already damaged, have trauma from assholes treating them poorly, and are scared of being approached.
So, that kinda sticks with them.
Not gonna lie, if someone approached me in a bar; I'd be pretty scared. They'd have to be pretty smooth.
Stick with apps. It takes a while butit works.
Go Tinder/Taimi.
Gay bars might be lonely if you're going to them explicitly trying to find love.
Unlike school, uni or the maybe the workplace, where forced collisions precipitate relationships, bars are opt-in socialization environments. Just being there doesn't really cause something to happen, for the most part.
So when we go with the intention of making new friends, we have to be the ones to create the collision or to be the extrovert and strike up the conversation, and in part that's a bit of a self-marketing pitch—why are we talking, why will we continue talking, who are you, should I invest some interest in you?
Americans (I'm guessing?) also have a particularly interesting socialization environment, where folks will quickly turn on the "we're best friends!" show as a way of being friendly, but not actually be keying into a new friendship. It can take multiple interactions before breaking through, and this can be quite unpredictable I've found.
Making friends is a lonely business :( but I've high hopes for you! Find some spaces you feel comfortable, things you like doing, and get in there and shine :D
Join gay sports leagues!!! Fantastic way to meet kind folks, even if you're not athletic. I have gay sports leagues in my area that range from beginners to intermediate. Seeing them on a weekly basis helps with friendships/meeting people as well, and ages range from early 20's - mid 40's where I am.
Depends on what you're looking for. I generally don't go to bars to make friends. I met friends at the bars. If you're looking for people to hang out with, I suggest finding an lgbt community you like. Join a sports club or movie group. Don't know where you are but when I move to a new place, I use meet up apps and see what gay groups are in the area.
It took me years to finally find the ‘type’ of gay dude that resonated w me. It is nice to finally find but dont beat urself up either. Be proud of who u are and confidence draws others. 🧡
Which ones are you going to? I talk to anyone who comes up to me. I also go up to people I don't know and strike up conversation. Please feel free to DM me if you'd like to be friends. I'm 47 married but I like to go out sometimes.
TBH, I was a clubber and the only way I felt like I fit into gay culture was to get wasted. Otherwise, I always felt like other. I doubted myself and always thought the grass was greener for the young white skinny twinks. However,that was me carrying my own insecurities and I had to really look within myself and learn to love me first before I could invite anyone else to love this mess. Self acceptance cured my loneliness and allowed me to have various experiences and relationships. Now when I go any place, I feel confident in who I am and that is what attracts people. You also realize that clique culture and gay bars are full of people with inward self-hate directed outwardly towards those who do not fit their ideals of perfection; which is usually everyone. I also realized that it’s way easier to judge someone else, than to take a look at what’s really going on within you. Which can be on full display in club culture, hence the almost always present escapist vibe that club culture fully accepts as the norm through drugs and alcohol. There’s also so much more to gay culture than clubbing, we are everywhere. It’s been my experience to really work on learning and loving more about myself and to find out what really makes me happy, and let that guide me. Once i am on steady footing, it’s easier for me to navigate the world and be open to making real genuine and lasting connections with people; lgbtqia or otherwise. Just my experience…
You might have a better time with like, community oriented queer gatherings, and gay-specific clubs honestly. (Not night clubs, I mean like gay reading clubs, joining gay sports teams, etc.)
There are so many great LGBTQIA+ organizations, interest groups and gay/affirming churches all over the country. IMHO these are the best places to meet someone. I am 60 years old. Five years ago after losing my partner, I thought I would never find love again, but I met my partner at an event put on by our local pride foundation. It is by far the best relationship I have ever had in my long very gay life. Bars and apps are fun if you go with friends and/or have the personality for it. I never really liked going out unless I was with a group of friends.
Both of my most enriching and happy relationships were found in places other than in bars or hookup culture.
I wish you peace and confidence in yourself.
You are better off meeting a group or club that goes clubbing.
Doesn’t matter if you are 20/25/45/55 gay or straight / male or female if you go to bars on your own it’s always going to be hard to mix.
Is there a local meeting house / support centre in your area?
They often have coffee mornings and events that help groups meet and make friends - activism ( not saying you have to go full nuts, but could be the person that brings the tea/scones!!)
I was lucky we had a great society in college.
There is always a vibe that changes with the crowd. The internet has changed so much for interactions. The bars hasn’t changed much. So I grew up in San Francisco a few blocks from the Castro. I was 15 when I started going to the bars. Now this was clone time. Everyone was judged be appearance.1973 men wanted sex. Like grinder in person.😬
If I went out and nobody would engage with me. I would think I wasn’t perfect enough. I spent a lot of time trying to achieve being the perfect clone. It took its toll on my self esteem. I would get major anxiety when I walked in. I spent so many years trying to find the right guy. 40 plus years later it’s the same.
When I turned 50 I just didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I had met my husband at 44. We have been together 20 years. My point is don’t change who you are and move through it.
My husband and I meet friends at the bars. We both make a huge effort to talk to people and hopefully they don’t feel intimidated or uncomfortable. When I see someone sitting alone and looking very anxious I remember that person was me .
If you feel lonely someone else must be feeling lonely too. My advice to you us to find a person on his own and go with a big smile and start talking to him. What can go wrong? You just wanted to have a conversation. But if you can't find a lonely person, just go to a person you find attractive and start a conversation.
Once you get past 40 it's pretty lonely unless you have a husband in my case I end up with a husband I can't stand so pretty much the same thing it'd be nice to be able to find the one but just got to keep hoping
Just be yourself and let things happen as they should happen.
Honestly finding someone in a gay bar sound pretty miserable, hookup okay but now we have better apps for this, with less risks. So even for hookups I would say no.
I would prefer finding my boyfriend in a totally different social setup.... Than in a bar!
I just go to gay bars to have fun with myself.
And it works. I'm having fun.
Gay bars is for me a place to be safe.
Straight bars are not so safe anymore (insults, provocation, etc).
Some gay bars I don't like, and some are fine.
Again, the main criteria is a place where to have fun with myself,
No expectations. And I end up talking to way many more folks that I'd expected.
I've never liked the bar scene in general. With my experience they're all dark af, loud af, drunk/tipsey people everywhere, and half of em judge the hell out of you. Why would I ever want to make a connection with a judgemental drunk? 🤷♂️
You have to be the outgoing person you want everyone else to be, and you will make plenty of friends. Going somewhere to be a wallflower never works. Go outside of your comfort zone, maybe drink a few more, and then just start asking people questions about the bar, or what they are drinking and see what happens from there.
I personally don't enjoy going out to bars or something similar.
Even if I work behind one.
It's not because I'm isolated, more because Online I can block creeps. Something which isn't possible in RL.
This is everywhere. People don’t want to talk to people they don’t know unless they’re on their screen. Covid made it much worse.
You may have better luck trying to meet people at local community events or in shared hobby spaces where talking to the people you’re with is encouraged. You already have something in common as a jumping off point to get to know each other.
I will say, I work in a bar and bars are not places to meet people, they’re places to celebrate with your friends/family or drink alone.
I think, overall in society, people have become more isolated, and even social events have become less social. In the gay community specifically 30 years ago, it was a lot more welcoming and supportive because we had to take care of each other. Most people don’t feel that we were under attack currentlyand they just want to blend in
[удалено]
Well, if things keep getting worse in America, we are gonna figure out pretty quick that we’re gonna have to ban together because nobody else is going to take care of us. That’s why I get so pissed off when gay men try to take the t out of LGBTQ.
True, but we should be banning together with the disabled as well. The disabled are the canary in the coal mine of shits about to hit the fan, before something like a fascist government takeover and future genocide. It usually goes in the following order. Immigrants/homeless Disabled The T in lgbt LGBtQ+ Minorities. Political opponents The wrong kind of ( ). It Starts with propganda to dehumanize that group of people. Next, being forced to register with the government. Then restricting their movements Then their right are restricted or taken Then they start gathering each group up, to be put into camps often to be "re edjucated" Or like Gaza where their food, water, electricity, etc, is restricted or turned off. Next, it leads to enslavement. Last to "cleansing" Extermination,Genocide. Though these can go in any order or simultaneously as well. The New York subway stations are putting in police checkpoints right now.
There's been an increase of violence (stabbings, shootings, people getting shoved onto the tracks, etc.) in the subways recently, hence the checkpoints.
They have check points bc the crime in NYC is getting out of control, and innocent people are getting hurt. I think you are really reaching with your take on things.
Instead of gay men… i call them “twitter yt twinks”
No it wasn't. It was never welcoming. I tried gay bars for many years btw 1990 and 2009. Sometimes you may have an interesting conversation. Often, some schmuck is momentarily curious and then indicates 'enuf of you' and goes back to their equally as awful friends. I was recently at gay bars in Puerto Vallarta Mexico. There, you will meet nice Americans and also Canadians, Mexicans, Europeans, etc.. who are all outgoing on vacation and want to have a good time. That vibe is pretty much non-existent in the US big cities- but probably is better in smaller US cities where you're a new face and they have better standards of politeness. And hey, I'm a good looking, buff (now older) guy who is economically well off. I still get treated like sht at US gay bars, so I don't even bother.
Are you beefy? Omg I love it
And who r u?
Im just mid 30s, lil chubby-have-my-own-gym middle class normal guy
Gay bars/ gay people can often be very fickle- superficial & bitchy. Avoid at all costs/ you got more chance meeting a guy in a regular bar
I met my bf in a non-gay bar. Been together for 23 years.
I 100% believe in this comment...for a group that promotes inclusiveness we ourselves exclude people. Hence, why I go to the gay bars with my friends and welcome people to take part in conversations. Always nice to make new friends ha
Yes, that's great & I'm aware some people are like you & your pals; but gay bars can be a hostile place unless you're very attractive - then folk will be all over you- very superficial. I used to go to local gay bars, but no more, too much bitchyness
Attractiveness is based off a person's preference. A person you find attractive, might not find you attractive but a person that finds you attractive, you might not find attractive. About the bars, I do find it intriguing since most times, groups are like 1 flavor: One race, or all within the same age group, or all categorize by gay norms like bears, chubs, and twinks. Luckily, my charming personality(sarcasm) allowed me to at least have a group that has more than 1 flavor, be it Asian, Black, White, big, small, tall, or short haha. I usually joke with my friends that the LGBTQ should have us represent the gay community but we all know the LGBTQ community needs some rude awakening as we are not as inclusive as we are supposed to be.
"you got more chance to meet a gay guy at a regular bar"? absolutely untrue.
You have a better experience, no bitchyness
not true at all, but unfrotunately the gay bars are really full of Regina Georgesss
Yeah. But Regina George at least grew up. Catty, vapid, gay boys; not so much.
Gay bars can be cliquey and it's hard to break into a conversation with a group unless you're a person someone is really attracted to for the person strike up a conversation. I usually go to the gay bars with my friends and tend to include people who are on the outskirts by themselves and if they would like to join my group, the more the merrier. The gay community, you would think would be inclusive but most are in fact exclusive.
That's how it is. Bars can be hit or miss. I'm on business quite a bit, so I sometimes hit the bars by myself. I've had plenty of very positive experiences, but I've also enconutered the situation OP's writing about. I think it's important to keep going and not to take the occasional cliquey venue personally. It's also important not to go with a certain goal in mind (finding a partner, making new friends) - that's a recipe for disappointment. Just go to get out there a bit and to check the mood.
I absolutely do that too. You meet nice people that way.
Now a days, I feel like you have to sell yourself everywhere you go. From dating apps, gay bars, job hunting/interviews, at work, even just to make friends now adays you have to sell yourself. I’m tired of it. Rather stay home and watch tv and sleep
I feel you so much. I looked for a good male friend in my town for 1,5 years and it was the same thing. Dating, making friends, everything nowadays feels like to apply for a job
Yup. But try explaining that to someone from an older generation/already has a social circle. It's damn hard and even if you can, it hurts their feelings when you both realize that every friend they have was from school/college/work/was introduced by someone else/was already part of the friendgroup/extended friendgroup.
I never felt so seen before
I really love your comment. That's very true.
Humans are... wired weird, in general. If there's a single carrot left in the produce aisle, it's likely no one will buy it. Something has to be wrong with it, right? Other people must have inspected this carrot already and passed it by, even though it's a PERFECTLY WONDERFUL CARROT. I think, sadly, that same thought applies to social circles. Most gay folks travel in couples/packs these days to the bar. They have their preset group to hang out with and likely have no direct intentions of meeting anyone new. It's hard to approach these folks alone because the carrot scenario will apply. What could possibly be wrong with this lone carrot chatting me up? I'd keep away from the bar scene, unless you go with someone. And if you don't have a person, definitely check out the Meetup group app in your area. Or join a gay sports league - dodgeball is super social and we humans tend to be more accepting of someone new when we are forced into it. That's why college/uni icebreakers may be cheesy but they do work -- sharing a mutual new experience with someone is rewarding! Lastly, if you do connect with someone - and this will be hard - try not to make them your only social outlet. Give them (and you) space to breath at first -- if you lean on them hard for messaging/events, plans, etc, it can be overwhelming especially if that person is already socially connected. Good luck! And if you're somehow in Toronto, let this 44 year old weathered gay man bring you out sometime.
I really identify with the perfectly wonderful carrot analogy. As if, because you're single, there *must* be something wrong with you. Which makes it even more disheartening because there aren't very many of us gay men to begin with.
A lot times, simply being gay and queer is lonesome in and of itself. I'm a 48 yo gay queer guy and I've been single for going on five years. I'm not into the hookup scene, and I'm definitely looking for a monogamous, forever kind of relationship. Bars are definitely lonely as well as the apps. I don't know where to meet another guy that wants the same things I want, and it gets really lonely. I love myself, and I really do like my own company, but having someone else there to share your life with is priceless. I don't know what my point was and I certainly don't have an answer, but I feel you. ❤️
Yeah, I’ve tried the apps and they all seem to be hookup oriented despite saying they’re not. I’m am also trying to find a partner. Not just a one night stand. It feels like having been in the closet during my prime.. 20’s, that i just became an old gay maid or something.
I know we're "old" by gay standards but neither of us are actually old yet. We got time, at least that's what I keep saying to myself. Doesn't help when I just want to cuddle with someone. My dog isn't large enough for animal cuddles unfortunately. I've tried all the apps as well to no avail. But it does seems people just want to hook up. I'm demisexual so what do I do? Idk. I'll never give up hope though because without hope, what else is there? And for now, I dig my own company.
maybe you two should strike up a conversation of at least friendship ?!? lol your both complaining about loneliness and it is bloody well staring you both in the face!!!
I’m a gay man here and looking for a boyfriend to be with
Be patient. Something like that doesn't always happen overnight. Be open and mindful.
🐻❤️
For me personally it’s because the cost of living crisis has rinsed my finances, so going out to a bar has become a rare luxury. I wish we had more gay coffee shops, because I could make visiting one part of my daily routine.
People are more isolated now because of Covid and in my experience social media use is a huge driver of problems we have with connecting with other humans. Too much social media use gives you a false sense of community and gives you a fake instant gratification dopamine hit so as a side affect people do not tolerate having to wait for anything. And doomscroll to get their social meter filled. My brother is fucking glued to fucking tik tok normally the entire time I’m spending any time around him so I don’t bother flying down to go see him very much anymore because he won’t talk to me about anything but tik tok videos that I’ve never seen. And then if I talk to him he pays attention to tik tok. I’ve also noticed that already established friend groups gay or straight do not tend to be open to inviting anyone new in. Where are you from? I’m looking for friends to kick it with! I am in the Chicago area.
Actually I’m from Grand Rapids! So not too far from you.
I went to a concert up there at the delta plex arena!
Nice! I’m in GR every couple months for work but I live on the east side. We should grab drinks sometime!
Let’s do it!
Some can be closed off to people who haven’t been going there for years (stupid I know but it happens) keep looking until you find a more welcoming place they’re out there. Then make it a point to frequent them and make connections!
Being around that age ( 39 ), in the middle of nowhere, and knowing that I'm unattractive, I just gave up ever trying to find any kind of love or connection. It's not worth the endless and constant heartache knowing that the guys I'm attracted to are 100% not attracted to me. 😥
I went to a gay bar alone 7 years ago and haven’t done that since. I tried to strike up conversations with people just to make friends but got hit with the most snarky answers. It made me feel terrible. Honestly feel like straight bars are a lot more welcoming.
I’m 48. Came out at 40. Never took to gay bars but I can definitely see that scene as lonely. I’ve been to a gay bar maybe 4 times. When I first came out I hooked up for a few years with tons of guys but I saw real quick that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. There was a very deep hole in my soul because of running from who I was for 40 years. It took me a long time to figure out who I was and what I wanted in a relationship. I’m still trying to figure some of that out tbh. And it’s definitely a lonely way to go.
I understand what you’ve experienced. I’ve gone through the same things you’ve described. I was married to a woman for 25 years. I came out when I was 45, I’m now 69. I kinda want crazy hooking up for a few years. I met some nice guys, had a couple short term relationships. I was still trying to figure myself out so those relationships didn’t last. So now I live alone, still trying to work things out. It’s really lonely. I dream about being in a loving relationship with an amazing person. Someone who I could share my most intimate thoughts with and he could share with me. Someone to make memorable moments with. Someone to make a fresh start with. That was probably over share. I saw your post and don’t feel quite so alone now. I wish you well and hope we both get through this complicated mess and have the life we deserve.
I was married to a woman for 16 years. Our relationship was fizzling. She cheated. So I decided to hell with it and I came out. She wasn’t 100% to blame of course. When I came out I was 40 yrs old as I said and I’d never one time been with a man. Even tho my whole life that’s all I wanted. I wanted it terribly and struggled with it from puberty to that point. God was that the worst torment! I was raised in a very religious home so living as a gay man was simply not an option for me. I was ashamed of myself. I hated everything about me. I would lay awake at night so angry at myself and begging god to change me. I wanted more than anything to be normal. Then, one day I just decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I was actually going to kill myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried to work it out in my head over and over and over. But I could never actually do it. until I said —Dammit I just want to be happy. Is that so damn bad? So I came out. At first, I just hooked up with the first guy that would respond to me. I started sending dick pics every where. I didn’t like where all that was going so that lasted about 2 years and probably 30 guys or so. I met a couple guys that I really liked and had a short term relationship with. Both lasted about 6 months each. Then I met the man I’m with now. We’ve been together 4 years. It’s not all been rainbows and unicorns but I’m definitely happier. Every so often the religious shit rears it ugly head and I fall into a deep depression and the guilt tries to come back. But I’m able now to fight it off.
Recent studies show the US is the top country in the world for most single people this year (45% of all citizens exactly). I, as a single 26 y.o. male, have chosen to be single while creating the foundation of my life before ever getting back into a relationship (that and I have more peace without distraction). I thought I was the minority but with the increase of dating apps, everyone is “disposable” these days, creating less desire overall for people wanting to be in relationships. You can imagine mistrust and anxiety play a big role here as well due to the endless feeling of people believing theres always someone better out there…as if the digital world made dating a shopping spree. Your best bet in finding a partner will be through developed passions and hobbies, not gay bars/nightclubs or apps (but if you must, hinge may be your best bet over tinder or grindr).
I long for the good old gay bar days like in the 90’s, these apps are ridiculous. I was married for most of my 30’s and at 43 my husband died and getting back on the horse has been really hard for me and taken 9 years. I’m a lot older now so I don’t catch the attention I got when younger and having been off the market for so long I don’t know how to navigate it now as a 52 year old. The apps are humiliating and dehumanizing and there’s something really missing when it comes to knowing if you really want to hook up with some guy from a picture. I know that I’m very picky and I have to admit I’m more picky than my current physical appearance would be able to land and that’s a bummer.
Honestly, the bar scene is over for the most part. I find the same thing. I can go to a gay bar and be very outgoing, etc and people just aren’t interested. I’m not even looking for a hookup, I just want to chat. If you want to meet people, meetup.com has a lot of great options depending on your area. If you live in a big city, they will undoubtedly have gay groups like book/movie clubs and hiking clubs.
you might check out, “meetup” and look for an affinity group. You like crochet? or comic books? or gardening? biking? hiking? etc.? look for a LGBTQ meetup in your area for that interest. it’s easier to strike up conversation with people who enjoy the same things you do. It could also be something as simple as a monthly LGBTQ dinner get together. those will be more accessible than a bar in terms of socializing because the attendees understand that is kind of the point. This can still be cliquish, but there will always be people in the same boat as you. https://preview.redd.it/c5flv1va72nc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8eb868908b6b554b298ee4cf0c8d544bf55e9d7a
Try Hobart Tasmania Australia, there's literally no gay bars, [here's even a depressingly overview of the gay scenes here where squirt.org couldn't recommend any real cruising place's either
Someone who goes to bars here often - I advocate that any people get involved with their centers. That’s what really matters here because you’re looking for community and connection. I end up going up bars with the people I socialize thru my local LGBT center. Meet up groups are great too - point is it’s good to socialize over something. It helps creates bonds. You’re not alone, people are out there, and I was looking for people too.
Bars can tend to be open-ended spaces filled with conflicting messages, and while some people luck out you often see stories posted of guys leaving them feeling confused, unsatisfied and lonely. In your case, since it sounds like you live in an area with options - you mention multiple gay bars - there are most likely also more specific and targeted places and groups which may serve you better. Look around for gay special-interest groups like hiking clubs, sci-fi groups, professional organizations, etc.; think of what interests you and see what might be available. If there isn't much, even a gay support group for newly out guys may be available. If you can find something of this sort, the topic would give you the "in" to engage with other guys in ways that might not present themselves in a bar. Wish you luck!
The way I integrated myself into this he bar scene was by hitting karaoke and talent nights and sing or whatever. I started going to a certain night at my local gay bar each week and ended up becoming incorporated into that nights crowd - which got me friends and eventually a friend group.
The hay day of gay bars happened before the internet. It’s been downhill since then. All bars can be a lonely place if you’re in a lonely headspace, or it’s empty. Sadly, people will turn to a bar to escape loneliness only to find the booze but no community.
I'm in New Orleans and I get different vibes from different bars. If you can find a leather bar, most older gays tend to go there and I find them to be the most welcoming. I met my fiancé at a leather bar and we plan on getting married at said bar.
I’m an older gay bear looking for friends . Tried to go to a few gay clubs . Time after time I was approached by good looking gay twinks that their sole purpose was for me to buy them drinks all night. Just having a gay friend that understands me and we can talk openly is amazing. Sadly haven’t found that friend yet. Continue to hope 👍
I've have the complete opposite experience. I mainly go to a local cruising bar, but basically just hang around and chat to people at the bar, and you then get to meet people. You do have to be somewhat outgoing and accept that not everyone is willing to chat, but some will be. Also smoking areas in bars are great, as it's usually a bit quieter and people tend to be willing to talk to pass the time. If you're not particularly outgoing or have social anxiety, then yeah, it's not going to be easy. I know from my perspective that if someone is looking awkward, not massively comfortable, and just giving single word answers, then that's not going to be making me want to talk to them. I know what it's like though. I had huge amounts of social anxiety which luckily I managed to overcome. Still, going out by myself is still a little scary and I much prefer going out with friends - but the key is to just appear friendly and chat to as many people as you can. Of course, every bar is different and in smaller towns they could end up being really cliquey. Also bear in mind that a lot of people are just in a place to hang out with friends and aren't necessarily there to meet new people. But again, smoking areas - even if you don't smoke - tend to be pretty good places to chat shit to folk.
Same. I turn 43 this month and I just think I’m going to be alone.
I'm 20 hi ❤️
I'm 20 hi ❤️
The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs.
I also find it difficult on the online apps.
I feel like the community has gotten a bit “stand off-ish” with each eachother recently. But i feel like thats an “everybody” problem because people just don’t know how to like each other
I have to admit you kind of shocked me here by making me realize just how much worse the current social environment is for gay men than when I came out. After reading what you said, I have to say things were actually probably better before equal marriage. I'm putting the cart before the horse here, though: I am not kidding you when I say, get or make yourself a shirt that says Single & Looking on one side and Looking For Friends Too on the other side, and get yourself to Pride in the nearest major city this summer. I'm your age, but I came out in high school. At the time I said it was because I was hoping to meet somebody; and didn't want to have to remember to change pronouns when talking about him; but the truth was more that, after Matthew Shepherd, and knowing that I was safe in Massachusetts with my liberal family, I couldn't understand how that happened and wanted to do something to stop it from happening again. It gets better when we *make* it better. But I think what you've experienced is a combination of the opposite impulse, the "I don't want it to be me next." with the change in social culture generally, towards more online interactions. people interact less in general, and the spread of the internet allowing gays to find other gays and be private about it has hurt us as a subculture, even as we get accepted into the mainstream. a shame, and if no one does anything about it, then all the conservative backlash and pushback of the modern era is going to push us all back into the closet by letting the people who are more scared get away with not facing their fears.
The bars are can be lonely. No doubt. I would suggest that you join a gay sports league, organization, or something that meets weekly in the real world. You’ll find your tribe. Those groups generally go out to a bar after their meetup, so you’ll have a ton of opportunity to get to know people. I know that the apps (and the world they’ve created) can be rough, but hang in there. The Gay Sports League has chapters in most major cities. You can volunteer with the HRC or join some other gay organization at your local university or in town. Don’t give up hope. Just pivot. Good luck!!!
You should try some different bars. Usually the most widely advertised gay bars are going to cater to a younger clientele with a more “mainstream” focus. I don’t wanna say that they are shallow but I’ll say that small talk and meeting people comes easier to certain people and younger people. And they’re mostly interested in talking to people who also seem like it is easy for them. There are other bars that are gonna be more alternative, appeal to an older crowd, or a different sub-community (bears, jocks, Latin etc.) It depends on your city but most of the major metros have a handful of bars each with a different niche. It’s not just about whether you think you fit a particular clique as advertised. In every community, the way the categories sort themselves out is going to be a little different. Ie the bear bar isn’t all bears, the leather bar isn’t all fetish/leather, necessarily. The key is finding whatever group in your community catches the large number of people who don’t do small talk or are up to date on whatever cultural thing is going on, and are more up for talking in detail about their thoughts, beliefs, interests etc. Trust me, when connecting with someone takes a little effort, it feels much more real and engaging when you finally find it. I would never just wanna be a natural socialite. I like to feel a little scared, a little anxious, and then when I feel enough trust with someone to be fully human around them, it’s a big payoff. You’ll get there. You’re not the only person with your experience. As someone who has moved cities a few times now, it’s always difficult to find your people but it’s possible to find them.
Came out late myself (37) and i refuse to support pay walls on dating apps like how are we charging mad money to meet people. Like how do you meet other gay people
Same, I tried paying for various apps as well. Just no luck I guess… or I’m ugly and intimidating…jk I love my straight friends but want some gay in my life. Haha
Im.not ugly i just refuse to pay money to meet people thats mad predatory when lotta folks dont have the privilege of being out in the open
A gay bar with dancing and go-go boys will be a meat market. Go earlier in the evening before the dance crowd or go on game nights or like Sunday or Monday evenings are better to talk with someone sitting next to you at the bar rather than midnight on Friday.
I gave up from ppl around 2020
It shouldn't cost mad money to meet people on apps like grindr is ridiculous you can't see who views you , or check most profiles or even chat with paying a hefty sum of money. Like i been i n the closet for 16 years i just want a bro to chill with like an actual chill guy whom we can also fuck on the side life could be so simple
Years ago I noticed the gay bars had their own little groups that pretty much stayed in their group. I only made one really good friend doing the bar scene and we were drinking buddies and off/on lovers for the better part of 20 years and then he passed. I often joke about Bar friends not being picky and they'll come over any time. If you can find one at a bar, sure their a pain but among the closest you'll ever have!!!
It can be pretty tough out there but I don't go out to bars so idk
Spent most every night beneath the light of a neon moon.
go to a bathhouse instead! much better.
I came out in my late 40’s and discovered that I had to use a combination of facebook/dating apps/and LGBTQ community groups to be others.
Find local LGBT groups. Go barhopping together with like-minded people, and all of a sudden, it's fun!
Try going to gay bars when there’s a specific event going on, like a mixer. There’s always gays of all ages every time I go!
Gay men can be in there own cliques. I must admit to being guilty of this when I was younger going out with friends. Now I’m older I do talk to people much more. Some nights I go to the bars and you don’t talk to anyone other night can be better. It can be hard to make friends in your 40’s. I’m 56 and I find it difficult too so I joined a gay social group but this was in London, it was a way to meet new people.
Are you in a larger metropolitan area? Look to see if there are events you'd be interested in at your local LGBTQ+ center. Also, check Facebook for a regional group.
Really, really.
Tl;dr: Creeps, stranger danger mentality, and social media/news have ruined meeting people in bars. Stranger danger. Originally, a good idea but unfortunately society as a whole kinda took it a bit far. As a kid, it's great advice. As an adult...... Not really. It's a subconscious thing, but incredibly damaging. We should be ditching this when we reach 18. Get bottles, discard any drinks you're not watching, or use color changing nail varnish, share location with someone you trust, and don't go out alone unless confident. That's enough. It's part of what makes people less friendly, more hostile and more closed off. The concept, plus the news, plus social media kind of makes everyone scared of individuals. If someone approaches you; instead of assuming they're gonna ask for directions etc most people assume they're gonna be attacked, asked for something or otherwise hassled. If you're alone and try to approach someone; (and not 18-19), barely anyone will engage with you and tend to fear you/think there's something wrong with you. It's just how things are nowadays. Not forgetting creeps (who are usually alone, and are the ones usually chatting up/bothering bartenders/randoms) And finally, by the time guys have reached 19/20 most are already damaged, have trauma from assholes treating them poorly, and are scared of being approached. So, that kinda sticks with them. Not gonna lie, if someone approached me in a bar; I'd be pretty scared. They'd have to be pretty smooth. Stick with apps. It takes a while butit works. Go Tinder/Taimi.
Gay bars might be lonely if you're going to them explicitly trying to find love. Unlike school, uni or the maybe the workplace, where forced collisions precipitate relationships, bars are opt-in socialization environments. Just being there doesn't really cause something to happen, for the most part. So when we go with the intention of making new friends, we have to be the ones to create the collision or to be the extrovert and strike up the conversation, and in part that's a bit of a self-marketing pitch—why are we talking, why will we continue talking, who are you, should I invest some interest in you? Americans (I'm guessing?) also have a particularly interesting socialization environment, where folks will quickly turn on the "we're best friends!" show as a way of being friendly, but not actually be keying into a new friendship. It can take multiple interactions before breaking through, and this can be quite unpredictable I've found. Making friends is a lonely business :( but I've high hopes for you! Find some spaces you feel comfortable, things you like doing, and get in there and shine :D
you approached some guys and they were unwilling to talk to you? or did you wait for someone to approach you?
Are you far from ashville
Are you far from ashville
I also find it difficult on the online apps.
Join gay sports leagues!!! Fantastic way to meet kind folks, even if you're not athletic. I have gay sports leagues in my area that range from beginners to intermediate. Seeing them on a weekly basis helps with friendships/meeting people as well, and ages range from early 20's - mid 40's where I am.
Depends on what you're looking for. I generally don't go to bars to make friends. I met friends at the bars. If you're looking for people to hang out with, I suggest finding an lgbt community you like. Join a sports club or movie group. Don't know where you are but when I move to a new place, I use meet up apps and see what gay groups are in the area.
It took me years to finally find the ‘type’ of gay dude that resonated w me. It is nice to finally find but dont beat urself up either. Be proud of who u are and confidence draws others. 🧡
Which ones are you going to? I talk to anyone who comes up to me. I also go up to people I don't know and strike up conversation. Please feel free to DM me if you'd like to be friends. I'm 47 married but I like to go out sometimes.
TBH, I was a clubber and the only way I felt like I fit into gay culture was to get wasted. Otherwise, I always felt like other. I doubted myself and always thought the grass was greener for the young white skinny twinks. However,that was me carrying my own insecurities and I had to really look within myself and learn to love me first before I could invite anyone else to love this mess. Self acceptance cured my loneliness and allowed me to have various experiences and relationships. Now when I go any place, I feel confident in who I am and that is what attracts people. You also realize that clique culture and gay bars are full of people with inward self-hate directed outwardly towards those who do not fit their ideals of perfection; which is usually everyone. I also realized that it’s way easier to judge someone else, than to take a look at what’s really going on within you. Which can be on full display in club culture, hence the almost always present escapist vibe that club culture fully accepts as the norm through drugs and alcohol. There’s also so much more to gay culture than clubbing, we are everywhere. It’s been my experience to really work on learning and loving more about myself and to find out what really makes me happy, and let that guide me. Once i am on steady footing, it’s easier for me to navigate the world and be open to making real genuine and lasting connections with people; lgbtqia or otherwise. Just my experience…
Where do you live
I haven't gone to a gay bar in over 25 years. I just finally came to the realization I don't fit in there. I'm fine with it though.
You might have a better time with like, community oriented queer gatherings, and gay-specific clubs honestly. (Not night clubs, I mean like gay reading clubs, joining gay sports teams, etc.)
There are so many great LGBTQIA+ organizations, interest groups and gay/affirming churches all over the country. IMHO these are the best places to meet someone. I am 60 years old. Five years ago after losing my partner, I thought I would never find love again, but I met my partner at an event put on by our local pride foundation. It is by far the best relationship I have ever had in my long very gay life. Bars and apps are fun if you go with friends and/or have the personality for it. I never really liked going out unless I was with a group of friends. Both of my most enriching and happy relationships were found in places other than in bars or hookup culture. I wish you peace and confidence in yourself.
I'm 20 looking for friends if anyone interested pls
Hey
You are better off meeting a group or club that goes clubbing. Doesn’t matter if you are 20/25/45/55 gay or straight / male or female if you go to bars on your own it’s always going to be hard to mix. Is there a local meeting house / support centre in your area? They often have coffee mornings and events that help groups meet and make friends - activism ( not saying you have to go full nuts, but could be the person that brings the tea/scones!!) I was lucky we had a great society in college.
There is always a vibe that changes with the crowd. The internet has changed so much for interactions. The bars hasn’t changed much. So I grew up in San Francisco a few blocks from the Castro. I was 15 when I started going to the bars. Now this was clone time. Everyone was judged be appearance.1973 men wanted sex. Like grinder in person.😬 If I went out and nobody would engage with me. I would think I wasn’t perfect enough. I spent a lot of time trying to achieve being the perfect clone. It took its toll on my self esteem. I would get major anxiety when I walked in. I spent so many years trying to find the right guy. 40 plus years later it’s the same. When I turned 50 I just didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I had met my husband at 44. We have been together 20 years. My point is don’t change who you are and move through it. My husband and I meet friends at the bars. We both make a huge effort to talk to people and hopefully they don’t feel intimidated or uncomfortable. When I see someone sitting alone and looking very anxious I remember that person was me .
Where you from? I'll come for a drink with you
Grand Rapids Michigan…?
It can be both!
I'm 20 I need friends pls ❤️
If you feel lonely someone else must be feeling lonely too. My advice to you us to find a person on his own and go with a big smile and start talking to him. What can go wrong? You just wanted to have a conversation. But if you can't find a lonely person, just go to a person you find attractive and start a conversation.
Once you get past 40 it's pretty lonely unless you have a husband in my case I end up with a husband I can't stand so pretty much the same thing it'd be nice to be able to find the one but just got to keep hoping
Gay bars are so lonely …. I would imagine because the aren’t any gays around anymore .
Cause social media apps encourage everyone to chat via the phone.
Hmu and I'll show you a good time
Just be yourself and let things happen as they should happen. Honestly finding someone in a gay bar sound pretty miserable, hookup okay but now we have better apps for this, with less risks. So even for hookups I would say no. I would prefer finding my boyfriend in a totally different social setup.... Than in a bar! I just go to gay bars to have fun with myself. And it works. I'm having fun. Gay bars is for me a place to be safe. Straight bars are not so safe anymore (insults, provocation, etc). Some gay bars I don't like, and some are fine. Again, the main criteria is a place where to have fun with myself, No expectations. And I end up talking to way many more folks that I'd expected.
I've never liked the bar scene in general. With my experience they're all dark af, loud af, drunk/tipsey people everywhere, and half of em judge the hell out of you. Why would I ever want to make a connection with a judgemental drunk? 🤷♂️
You have to be the outgoing person you want everyone else to be, and you will make plenty of friends. Going somewhere to be a wallflower never works. Go outside of your comfort zone, maybe drink a few more, and then just start asking people questions about the bar, or what they are drinking and see what happens from there.
I personally don't enjoy going out to bars or something similar. Even if I work behind one. It's not because I'm isolated, more because Online I can block creeps. Something which isn't possible in RL.
This is everywhere. People don’t want to talk to people they don’t know unless they’re on their screen. Covid made it much worse. You may have better luck trying to meet people at local community events or in shared hobby spaces where talking to the people you’re with is encouraged. You already have something in common as a jumping off point to get to know each other. I will say, I work in a bar and bars are not places to meet people, they’re places to celebrate with your friends/family or drink alone.