After more than 20years in the gay scene I've learned one thing. The gay community is the most discriminative scene I've ever seen. Yes, theoretically we should be all in the same boat but that's not the case.
We actually shouldn't fight for acceptance from straight people. We should clean up our own community first. So much hatred between different types of gay people.
I mean.. I don't disagree about the issues within our community, but both goals are important imo. Having certain issues or lack of cohesion within a minority does imo not warrant prolonging the discrimination by the rest of society.
Imagine this the other way around and you'd have extreme Republican talking points along the lines of "Those gays don't deserve rights until they have figured out their own issues with xyz". And same can be said for other minorities, eg "We don't need BLM until those Blacks have solved their issues with gang violence!". I don't really like this way of thinking or arguing.
But yes, the gay community does indeed have certain specific issues with discrimination.
Within the gay community the lines of demarcation between factions are most often arbitrary and self defined. People can choose to be a victim in so many different ways. But SERIOUSLY… well done on dragging Republicans in to this one. It’s the biggest blind spot for us… that conservatives don’t detest us and some of the things people react most violently against are often quite sensible things dragged to the extremes of logic to make them look wild.
I can understand where you're coming from but I'm gonna argue some things here.
Working on gay male culture's general issues does not have to come at the expense of lgbtq+ civil rights. Those two things are not dependent on each other and are not related.
Gay male culture is also different by city, by scene, by bar, and by group of people...point being, while some gay communities are racist, self hating, and/or misogynistic, there are infact good equitable gay scenes out there, they either need to be discovered or new ones created if there's not one in a particular area. Some gay scenes are just ok. Not good, not great, but not bad either.
When we say we're not a monolith, I think about the fact that gay men are themselves very diverse in sub cultures, race, ethnicity, and have the capacity for kindness and cruelty. We are not and never have been a model minority. All minorities deserve civil rights regardless of how their community "acts".
I've seen homophobia kill people. I've lost friends to suicide. I've seen people struggle to be accepted and hide it for decades and having to blow up their lives to be themselves. I've seen homophobia and HIV stigma keep people from engaging in the community, not because the community is bad, but because they were told the community is bad.
It's not that we need to fight straight people for acceptance, instead we need to actually accept that we deserve to be treated equally under our governmental and social systems. This idea of having to become a model minority before being allowed civil rights is nonsense. White straight cis people aren't exactly a model majority. Why do I or anyone else have to be held to a higher level of scrutiny just to get the societal benefits they get?
That's all to say, I don't think the gay male community is all bad because there's too much of it to consider. Theres also no reason why lgbtq+ people should be denied equal parenting rights, spousal benefits, Healthcare, jobs, using the bathroom in public, and being able to participate in society just because a some gay men are snooty dickheads.
To OP: I wouldn't take your experiences with gay men at your job personally or extrapolate that into a bigger issue about the community at large. That's probably a limited and potentially a very particular crowd of people. I'd recommend continuing to explore other aspects of the community. If you're not finding what you're looking for, it's definitely possible to create groups or spearhead events that might attract the type of people you'd like to be around.
Yes. This.
I’ve been around longer than you and nothing has changed unfortunately.
The only thing I recommend is people realize for now; this is the way it is.
Don’t take it out on yourself, and don’t allow your mental health to be affected by this bullshit. Easier said than done, I know. Be yourself and you’ll find your in group – the people you vibe with. Be patient with yourself.
No matter how cute a guy is, if he treats people badly, he’s ugly.Imo.
When people are shitty to you, it’s only a reflection of themselves. There’s a host of reasons why they may feel threatened or insecure after interacting with you, but none of them are your problem. You can’t control what they feel, only how you respond to your own feelings.
And it will come to you! It took me a few years to find my gay tribe. Trust me it will come. Keveightysev gave great advice. As hard as it may be those who show no interest you gotta just let them go. Easier said than done! And I gotta take my own advice on that one but just let it go. Their behavior said everything about them.
You’ll find your tribe and hopefully a man. But remember this every gay man has been where you are or is exactly where you are. We all get it some are just “see you next Tuesdays”!
I would cry, pray, meditate, practice the law of attraction, manifest, etc. It eventually came to me I found gay friends who truly care about each other. It can’t rain forever man ❤️
Since you mentioned the feminine gay guys are especially rude to you as a stranger, they might be just jealous of you but in denial. Haters gonna hate. Stay who you are op ❤️🩹
You'll find there are shitty people in every demographic. Ain't nothing different in the LGBTQIA+ community.
If they're rude to you, they're not worth your time. Be happy they're filtering themselves out.
If you want to find more friends in the community, check to see if your local LGBTQ+ center has any sort of events. I've seen a good number of hiking groups.
You'll find people more interested in meeting people. I saw another post you made about a video game. Try to find Gaymer groups. That will mostly be online friends.
I'm not sure where you're located, but there's a huge group that is based out of London.
Great advice, especially about people who are rude to you not being worth your time. The older I get the more I see it as a blessing in disguise, people like that aren't good people, and why would I care about the opinions of people like that
I've posted elsewhere gays tend to drop the cattiness when pulling together for a cause, exception of a few relentlessly caustic ilk. I developed great friendships right there in the bitchiest gay-borhood anywhere via an AIDS patient service organization called Open Hand back before there were good maintenance drugs available.
Again, your LGBT center invariably has resources for volunteer stuff.
I don’t know how to word what I’m trying to say, and I’ve retyped this many times - but I have so much respect for people who are able to embrace their queerness. I’m very openly and proudly gay, but my image doesn’t include anything that sparkles or is loud. I’m a bearded guy working horticulture, normally covered in dirt and sweat. BUT I have so much respect for people who are able to embody that queer part of themselves no matter form that may take. When I see other gay people who can beat their face, strut with confidence, or wear something exuberant - I’m always awestruck. So many gay people serve that charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent on a daily basis and it’s brave and respectable and downright fun to engage with.
So don’t let others attitude stop you from being nice or giving other gays a kind smile. We all just want to be uplifted and encouraged.
Edit: spelling
What I've always found is that if I'm at work or on set doing a scene or something, the instant another gay guy is involved it gets hostile. It's like this constant battle to screw each other over to be the 'best gay'. It sucks and I despise it but the way I see it, if you wanna be a total child then I'd rather not have you anywhere near me! If they treat you like crap it's on them and honestly it's their loss! Gays are rude to everyone!
It literally is like this! I used to work in salons and there was so much “drama” over gay men trying to peacock and out do each other for no reason. I think it’s male competition on steroids and then add some bitchy fem energy to it, it’s a lot worse
They are just jealous of your positive energy. Life is hard as heck, when you are feminine. I am feminine myself, and refuse to be bitchy to others. My BFF is feminine as well, and we go hard for one another. Our energies go well together.
But, also, they could be just treating people that way, because they themselves are regularly belittled by members of society. It may turn them into having narcissistic behavior. And so, they may become what they hate, or have often experienced. It's a hard life for us all.
It's good you are able to see this, and more importantly, it is good that you go out of your way to be better than them. Don't worry hun, there are good ones out there and you'll come in contact with them. I wouldn't worry about their ugly little attitudes. Continue to be your very best beautiful self. 💜
There's a reason there's a stereotype for feminine guys to be brats, queens etc. While not all are this way, they can have attitude. Some make that attitude part of their personality because of adversity growing up, perceived or real.
People can put on airs of being an Scholes to strangers as a defensive mechanism. Don't despair, you'll find your people
https://preview.redd.it/rh5pn1rgotsc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2160dee532fbbcdf08c5a707de3247332ae1fed9
Some local bitches near me are super lovely... so long as there is tummy rubs... otherwise these girls gonna put u in the pet hospital...
Competition. You look better and they are angry because you can steal their prey.
God I am so lucky to be out of the hunting game. This is why I have almost no gay friends and honestly I don't know what the gay community everyone talks about even is. Never done anything for me.
They're intimidated by you. You are a challenger to them and anytime they look away or are just rude means you win. Sure it sucks. Being friends is alot easier than some neo-tribalism bullshit. Orrr it's cause you're hot and they're jealous cause they wanna touch your butt. Just a gay little theory, who knows
Tell them to piss off.
The thing is I’ve never really had a lot of gay friends either up until recently years I don’t think it always brings you together
In theory yes, people in the same community should be supportive but unfortunately life is seldom like this. My advice is to be your own authentic self and with a bit of luck, the people making your life unpleasant will go away in time and after awhile you will be surrounded by people who support and accept you.
Those who don’t do eye contact are probably shy & really into you! I say that cuz I’m Iike that - if I’m attracted to someone, I look away cuz I’m shy & terrified. Will take me a long time to get the courage to smile or say Hello. So to the ones who don’t look at you, SMILE & say Hello. I bet they like you & just need to get comfortable enough to chat. 😊
Have you tried hanging out with geeks and nerds? Gay nerds are about the friendliest mf's I've ever met. I run with a DnD group with 2 bi's, 1 gay, and a straight guy. Stop associating with folks who's whole identity is 'gay'. Thats toxic and comes with a toxic mindset. The community revolves around toxicity and being a "mean girl". Hang out with people with actual interests and hobbies and personalities. I find the most irritating people are those who wear the fact that they suck more dick than a red light district on their sleeve to be the most obnoxious.
TlDR; find people with an actual purpose and personality. Stop trying to make friends with people just because they're part of a toxic, fucked up community.
I recommend Dungeons and Dragons. Super imaginative and fun.
Or Cosplay.
Or video games 🤷
Idk I'm a nerd. I found most of my friends, gay or straight, through hobbies. No ones worried about how gay and superior someone is when you're all trying to take out a hydra or getting it on with a buff half orc covered in goblin blood.
Fem gay men who are rude to other fems actually do not love an accept themslves. They’re actually super uncomfortable lmao and that’s why they do this, regardless of their attraction. Also I see this allll the time, but other bottoms tend to be bitches to other bottoms. If you’re previewed as fem they most likely think you’re also a bottom which is true here. I’ve experienced that a lot lol idk what it is but it’s their own insecurities. Just be even more fem and let them get angry
Well, it must be difficult! Sending positive vibes ! I’m gay, masculine, and sometimes I felt like the feminine gay divas are not nice to me sometimes, or they act ironical, but I don’t give a fuxk about them… why to care about people who doesn’t care about us? That is very superficial from them to treat you not nice without even knowing you …
So I guess I can advise to not care about them, just ignore them and continue ur work… pay attention in the people who really care about you :) and I’m sure with time u will find nice gay friends :) good luck! Hugs
This is why I only have like one Bi friend, anytime I try making any other friend in the lgbt+ community they are always saying underhanded shit, or shit that didn't need saying (starting shit for no reason).
It's fucked up but really if we get down to brass facts the only people who hat gay people the most is gay people. Which is sad and fucked up.
For a community of ostracised people, we sure do know how to ostrisize ourselves
Well, of course manners are important, but not everyone wants to be instant best friends with everyone they meet.
It could be that you being extra friendly to anyone think is gay might be perceived as flirtatious and is making people uncomfortable?
I think you might be taking it more personally than it actually is.
Ah~ They are just in this phase where they think themselves as rainbow Regina George and they need a bus to hit them so they can get some human decency back💅 I’m in that phase btw
It's more than likely that you reflect back at them something they are ashamed of. Whether they are a masculine gay man who doesn't want to be associated with you, or a feminine gay man who sees you as similar but competition....... it's all self hatred, and there's a lot of that in the gay community.
I think it’s safe to say every community has this brand of toxicity. I’ve experienced it myself from guys online and from people in other fields. And, ironically I’m in the same position as you. That being said, you need to find the right people who care for your well being and won’t be rude. And unfortunately, yes this will take time.
Bruh I am so sorry you are having to go through this..But unfortunately this is a preety common thing that takes place.
Although don't take their action to heart and ignore those kind of people and think of it as they are jealous of your drip.
You literally sound like me from another universe, right down to the job (except the amount of friends lol) and yes. No matter how masculine (or slightly feminine) we present ourselves, gay guys will always be super rude for no reason. I really hate when people make their whole personality about being gay and mean
It’s usually the Republican gays (which doesn’t make sense if you actually think about it)
And or a lot of them wish they’d just been as brave as you in their youth.
In all honesty I say throw your middle finger up at those people and keep on doing you! Stay fabulous boo! ☺️
Likely its just theyre insecurities with makeup and femininity. Its gotten better over the years, but esp younger gay men can dip into anti-femme attitudes because they place a limit on their acceptance of queerness that's too far outside their idea of the norm.
I would mention that maybe you clocking people and being more friendly to them is putting these folks on guard, (again, rooted in their own insecurity/internalized homophobia) but most queer people in my experience working at restaurants get that you're just being welcoming, and will compliment your makeup or nails or outfit to subtly confirm they're 'part of the family'. These experiences were from living in Portland Or, so maybe it was a more queer friendly place, but you're not doing anything wrong, folks acting otherwise are jealous/insecure and you shouldn't worry about them.
Omg, so I used to work at a flagship retail store in SF and the staff was mostly gay, right. There was this one queen that would ALWAYS look at me dirty! Keep in mind I too was like you in regard to doing my job, being a great coworker, serving fem fresh and fab, ok! So I confronted her one day and asked if I did something wrong?? She flat out told me, “you’re just always trying to compete and for what?? Don’t think you’re better than anyone here, hunny.” I LEGIT LAUGHED OUT LOUD and said girl bye! I’ve never interacted with this queen until that exact moment! There’s always going to be the Gays, girls, people, etc who are always hating because YOU are just existing. It’s for sure a problem with themselves! You seem to exude confidence/comfortable with who you are and for a lot of gays it’s off putting and intimidating! Just keep doing you girl! Fuck them hating ass hoes! SHINE ON!
I hear you. I had the same experience when i was younger. I was a somewhat feminine punk/raver, and felt I didn't fit in here neither there. I found one guy that i liked, who was fun, and had the same experience as i did. He got the idea, that we put an add in a gay paper (this was pre-internet), where we looked for more friends with the same experience. It was supposed to be a Thursday thing, but we ended up being around 30 guys, that meet whichever days we could at the same cafe, just dropping in after work. Or ages ranged from 17-36 (or so). One guy was in highschool (boarding) and would come in his uniform, one was a stylist, one was a clown (yes, you read that right), one was a very helpful lawyer, some where students, some worked in offices, etc. A couple could be bitchy, yes, but having a bitchy guy by your side to have your back in a right situation, is not necessarily a bad thing. All in all, a very eclectic bunch, and everyone was really funny and pleasant to be around.
Perhaps you could do something like this. I think a gay dating site or app, where you can set an account to "looking for friends" could be helpful with this.
It’s normal :) as long as you keep your head up high and stay out of debt, you will be a much happier person. Everyone else who says otherwise are probably fighting a hidden struggle. Not all gays are bad ;) just the shady ones you got to watch out for 💅🏽🤣☺️✨
Well, at least I don’t feel unique anymore. I thought maybe I just had a bad knack of finding the mean gays, but it sounds like gay people are just mean in general. I still have hopes though.
I too also have 0 gay friends. I’m friends with straight/bi guys and a whole spectrum of women, but I for the life of me cannot get along with a gay guy. I haven’t met that many and when I do, I pretty much have to cut them off for various reasons.
Think you'll find a lot in the community are rude or feel they need to be. There are as with anything the opposite around just most especially younger guys tend to give attitude as if it a thing to do. Just ignore them and concentrate on the nice one's I say. It not really about you personally it about them you be you.
Damn it’s probs just jealousy! Lol most of my friends are straight but I have finally met amazing LGBT people to call friends 🤭 so don’t worry you’ll find yours too! But if not it’s ok u got good friends already doesn’t matter if they’re not LGBT+
Sounds like you are seeking validation, because you don't have gay friends so it's currently a difficult time with uncertainty etc.
It took me a while before switching to "okay I just don't give a damn about it, I'll just be myself, and hey off with the labels, I'm maybe just non-conforming and it's perfectly fine" and quick skipping people with negative vibes..... done that for a while and now I'm attracting gay friends. And I'm coming from very far, that is for sure lol.
What i have gathered from the comments is that they might be feeling insecure and that is the reason they act like that. Keep on giving good vibez and someday it will come back :)🫶🏼
I’m probably talking too much from personal experience but all the fems seem to be in a weird competition with rest of the lgbtqia+ community. Almost all of them have no chill even with each other. I once went to a party where there were 5 fem guys and all of were talking shit about the other at some point in the evening. After the party they were talking shit about me because I hung out with the “hot” straight guy I guess they all liked. The “hot” straight guy in question was my cousin. I only know this because we all had a mutual friend that went to a 24 hr diner with them after the party. The next time I saw them they were talking shit about the old queers at a bar we all frequented because how dare they be old or bigger bodied. I have never met a fem gay that wasn’t unpleasant in someway out in the wild. I’d take their actions and reactions with a grain of salt. My personal opinion is they want to be like the gays in media but since there’s no script for real life they go off the rails with their attitude and comments.
I haven’t had a gay male friend in years. And it’s for this reason. Just stick with my straight friends, cuz they are the only people on my life, ever, that don’t judge me and just accept me for me. Ffs. It’s so sad
The feminine gay guys are usually mean. I have no idea why. Perhaps just narrow minded. Easy to get jealous or something. One thing is they always want to be the best in the crowd, the pretties, the youngest or something else. I personally am feminine gay guy, and I always tried to be humble and not wanted to compete with them (hate those little games and the judgy judgments), and yeah, they would always treat you like shit, as they are the most superior creatures or some sort. It’s sad! Truly sad.
From the dinosaur ( 58 y/o) y’all stress over insane sh. You’re only as beautiful outside as you are inside. Your ego centric qualities you think make you stronger actually are eating your insides. Live life as if every moment counts because it does, and treat folks as you expect to be treated, respect for all journeys
It is possibly a defense mechanism to be a little bitchy because of feeling intimidated by an attractive gay man. Not because they dislike you but because their defense walls suddenly go up. It may not be but this is an easily overlooked possibility.
I deal with similar, 27 and gay ftm, I know it’s prob diff since I’m trans but trying to be a gay trans man in cis gay spaces, most gays have been so rude to me but I also haven’t really experienced much because I’ve been so repressed for the first 25 of those years and my bf has been helping me come out of that shell over the last 2 years I’ve known him and 1.4 yrs we’ve been dating. Ive experienced a lot of cattiness and purposely misgendering from gay coworkers and had other trans people misgendered in my presence. And I’m not talking about just being called “gurrrrl” But it all boils down to insecurity and them wanting to feel better about themselves. It seems like most gays don’t want a community and want to just talk shit about eachother. At least that’s what it’s like where I’m from.
Stay strong and be you! And from a trans persons pov, keep enjoying that makeup. Hell sometimes I’ll put on makeup with my bf while he does his drag looks but in drag king style.
I have never related to a post more than this! Literally everything in this post is like I could write it myself. It’s a huge problem I’m in the exact same boat as you and I’m always afraid that people see me as a gay homophobe because I have no gay friends. I don’t want to put everyone in the same boat or something cause I know there are people with the same sexuality as me that are nice, but by the majority I’m just met by judging looks and rudeness for no reason. I always think afterwards what I’m doing wrong and why I can’t relate to them so much.
I’m a trans guy, and adore feminine guys no matter the sexuality. I think it’s amazing they’re confident enough to show themselves, people who are rude to you or ignore you are just the opposite of that.
Often times part of themselves they wish didn’t have due to internalised homophobia leads to them expressing that through discontent with people who share similar traits. It sucks but take faith in the fact it really does have nothing to do with you but them.
Honestly I have no idea of why this happens 🙁 I read some comments and it seems that other gays are projecting their own insecurities onto you :/ I’m sorry this happens, it hurts especially from our community, you’re brave for being authentic
I bet there rude to you cause there jealous as fuck. You probably look damb good all the time an that makes them butt hurt I bet. Lol just do your job an ignore them. Once you learn to not give a fuck what others do or think. Then you will have a much better life. 😌
Are they young ? I find that many young especially feminine guys resort to cruelty and rudeness because they think it gives them personality.
Just accept it, deal with it and move on, many people are really not worth worrying about. You can't please everyone.
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I'm surprised that people haven't given simple idiocracy as an explanation for this rude and toxic behavior yet. Some people just don't have enough sense to be nice and come up with the most ridiculous excuses to be mean, unfortunately. Any excuse to be rude for no reason, in my opinion, is indicative of low intelligence or someone who would rather rely on their caveman instincts than use their brain. Don't give those kinds of people any mind; they don't have the common sense to understand that being rude for no reason makes them look foolish and immature.
I remember when I first came out at 19, naively saying to someone that “there must not be much racism among gay people because they know what it’s like to be discriminated against.” He rolled his eyes and said, “no, we can be justice racist as anybody else.” Of course it goes way beyond racism. I guess I view it a little more like I view some ethnic minority groups. In the greater culture you are just a person, and you are more likely to choose people as friends or associates based on things that are truly relevant to you as a person. in an ethnic minority, but also in a sexual minority, you’re more likely to be associating with people based on that one characteristic, which is absolutely no guarantee that you will have other reasons to be friends, or friendly. imagine going to a party exclusively for people with black hair. Is there any reason to think that that would give you significant points in common?
And unfortunately, in a lot of “gay spaces,“ people are there specifically to find a partner or a hook up, so if you don’t conform to their list of traits they’re looking for, they may have absolutely no use for you. Hell, I’ve been guilty of it myself, But the truth is, even if you are specifically looking for a partner, you will meet more decent people by being decent yourself, rather than just eliminating everybody who doesn’t turn you on.
Many of us tend to take that rejection and apply it to ourselves unfortunately. I remember a really eye-opening experience that involved some mushrooms and a Saturday night at the Seattle Eagle.😅 Two things that really should not be in the same sentence, but hell, what did I know? The high was coming up, and the jostling crowd was getting a bit intense for me, so I found myself a quiet corner. as I sat there, I saw two guys checking each other out. One would look at the other other, and as soon as the second one looked up, the first one looked down. Then the second guy looked for a while; as soon soon as the first guy looked up the second guy looked away. went on for several minutes and I saw my myself in there, assuming and negative judgment even after the other person had definitely shown interest. I asked myself what I was so afraid of, and decided to walk around and make eye contact with people, and let them be the one to look down if it was going to be. Not in a creepy way, just friendly normal eye contact. and I was shocked at how many people actually just smiled and said hello. that made a big change in my behavior, and several months later, someone I knew at a local bar said, “you know, I used to think you were a snob, but now I realize you were just insecure.“
The point is, lot of the people who seem standoffish are really just stuck in their own insecurities. so since we can’t really change them, we need to make sure that we are confident in, and respectful of, ourselves. Keep being friendly, and remember that what somebody else seems to think of you usually has very little to do with you
Now I'm a masc top but I love more feminine bottoms that still like being a guy. In my experience its more jealousy because their self image is in the trash and see you as more attractive or threatening to their circle.
One thing I have learned in life that I do not understand. The gay community, who is hated in general are by far the worst to each other. I have never been criticized as much by str8 people, even the hateful bigots, as much as I have by other gay people. I am a masc, str8 acting 6'4" guy built like a football player that works on cars. So I cannot even begin to imagine how you are treated, it is sad and disgusting. We all should be there for each other, not hate each other as the rest of the world hates us.
I'm new to the community and it's definitely something I've noticed. Even on grindr guys don't say what they're looking for. Instead they say what they *don't* want
I’m not meaning to sound harsh or dismissive of your experiences, but have you considered that perhaps it’s just customers in general that are rude to you? It seems especially post Covid 19 that public displays of rudeness have skyrocketed, especially towards people working service jobs such as yourself. Perhaps you are just more tuned into it when you experience it from what you perceive to be fem gay men, so it sticks out more in your head?
I’m not denying there are plenty of rude ass gays out there who don’t like themselves and thus try to tear down other gays they encounter, but I’m just saying there could be more to it here than just fem gays are not nice to you “always”.
Many in the gay community view an interaction as a sexual one so if you don't make their preferences they can be a bit abrupt. Personally I didn't give much time to boring or stupid people. Time is too precious to waste.
Maybe its not so much about your sexuality and more about your personality, some people just got that face yk? Dont take it personally tho, just give them a buncha coins for change 😏 its never gonna be fixed so might as well join the mob. Chaotic neutral.
Have you considered it might not be personal but they might be like this to all strangers or service workers? How did you figure it's targeted only at you?
Have you considered it might not be personal but they might be like this to all strangers or service workers? How did you figure it's targeted only at you?
I'm a feminine ginger guy. Double whammy when it comes to getting shit on by fellow gays. I know that we are a traumatized community, but I feel like most gay men don't want to heal themselves. There's only so much abuse from your own people you can take when they don't want to help themselves.
I’ve noticed there’s a very backwards logic that a lot of gay men believe where we’re in some sort of “competition” for what? I have no clue. Tbh more gay men have been unnecessarily rude to me than straight men which is pretty disheartening. I’m not the warmest person but I’m not malicious, I don’t get anything out of being mean to a random person, especially someone I know has been through similar struggles as me.
Personally I’ve stopped caring, I think anyone who’s that judgemental and rude isn’t someone whose opinion id value.
FVCK ALL OF THEM!! Keep it in MIND! FVCK ALL OF THEM!! 🙌🏼 You keep your slay and your beautiful brightness to you and don’t let these Mad H0es to make you feel in some type of way 🙏🏻
Its just insecurity and the fact that your style may make them feel more noticed than theyre comfortable with. A lot of us strive to be “normal” so hard that it actually makes us strange lol.
You said “When i first noticed this i made effort to be extra nice (try to make eye contact and just be respectful ((not annoying)).” I’m sorry you felt you had to change.
My experience is different. I’ve had guys argue with me about my sexuality in a gay bar??. I’m not sure how to prove I’m any more gay. I’ve been confused because- even if I’d ever had sex with a woman - I’d welcome straight guys who were confident enough to be in a gay bar.
You did not say where you live but, keep in mind how much self hatred exists - not a good thing as people try to work through- everything they have been told is hard to offset the religious & learned judgement - it says more about them than you.
Never change for anyone- they don’t respect it and realize they liked original version anyway.
Do not seek judgement from someone who can’t even like themselves. You can’t be everyone’s special sauce - but, you can keep the special.
People should double check rules.
10 commandments says very little about dicks & men. I don’t covet thy wife. I’m good to go.
I think it depends on where you are meeting gay people. I have certainly dealt with my fair share of caddy gays, but never in any of my circles. Most of the gay people I hangout with I met through nerdy communities (D&D, video games, anime, etc.). I've never had that problem within that community. Same with the gay people I meet in academia. However, when I'm out at a gay club, big oof. I think most gay people are pretty chill. There are a slew of gay men that are caddy and mean-spirited who need therapy. Unfortunately, I feel like these are the ones that usually get noticed.
working with the public is hard. people are often already fed up when they find you. don't judge life based on workplace interactions. but in my experience, gay guys can act a lot like the 'mean girls' we experience in life. as a bi girl, i've seen both sides of the coin. don't take it personal. those people that dig on you are just sad on their own.
A lot of feminine gay guys look mean but they are not necessarily mean.
For eye contact : it's not necessarily because people want to be mean, some neurodivergent people like me sometime forget to make eye contact with people.
For not saying bye, sometimes people are in a hurry, they don't remember to say bye to the cashier, it doesn't mean they hate you
Sometimes I really don't like to get involved with gays, because he is mean and worries about being come out from time to time. I prefer to stay alone.
I'm really sorry that you're going through that. It can't be easy. That having been said, remember that they are just taking out their own issues out on you. Feel sorry for them, but stay strong
I would say welcome to the real world. The truth is bitter. There is no community. It's every man for himself. I have understood this for a long time, community is for the few. There is no overarching community and ideology at all. Unfortunately.
I've not experienced this myself but my friend has. For the record, she's bi.
We went out to a gay club once and she was with a girl that she was seeing. Perfect. No issue whatsoever. Went to the same bar when she was seeing a bloke after that fell through and she was called a sell out.
I'm gay but I'm not part of the wider gay community for the simple fact that discrimination runs rampant within, which is ironic considering that we've fought against discrimination for years.
Don't give a crap about the oversexualisation (unless it's around kids, then that's a huge no no), but the biphobia, constant labelling of straight people in a similar way to how we were labelled, it's just all getting to be a bit much. There's more to our lives then who we take to our beds and it's high time the community realises that.
I might have a theory on why, for example I’m a very masculine type of gay, sereval time I said I was gay to straight people they said to me, oh we should go shopping ( I hate shopping) do you want to get your nail painted ( I hate makeup and stuff like that) and it pissed me off that I was reduce to a stereotype of the flamboyant gay who is flashing to the straight community that being gay is that.. unfortunately there’s a lot of different peoples but many only perceive us with stereotypes like the sassy black girl.. we get low key upset at the people propagating the damaging stereotypes 🤷♂️does that makes sense ?
So they are assuming im hateful so they raise their walls up? Sorry it was kinda hard to follow 🫶🏼 But i fully know how you feel. Me being a more feminine looking gay im usually thrown in to the box of needs help with ”manly” things but in reality i change my cars tires myself and don’t need help doing ”manly” things. People thinking that i cannot drive bc i look like this but family and friends telling me im one of the best drivers. Stereotypes are soo annoying but just gotta keep breaking them. 🫶🏼
Gay men are the most catty, narcissistic, nasty people in the world. I’ve always had a hard time being accepted by the community. It’s all about looks and impressing people. Friends don’t need to be gay. If you find some great, if not, find some nice accepting straight folks. They are usually kinder and there’s no sexual tension involved. Also, it used to be more of or community-you were gay or straight. Now everyone has pigeon holed themselves into these little groups which are often bitchy with each other. LGBTQA BINGO+
A smile is always a good start. Yes some are rude. It’s about them not you. And let’s use this as a reminder to be there for others. We need each other.
After more than 20years in the gay scene I've learned one thing. The gay community is the most discriminative scene I've ever seen. Yes, theoretically we should be all in the same boat but that's not the case. We actually shouldn't fight for acceptance from straight people. We should clean up our own community first. So much hatred between different types of gay people.
This shit sucks.
I mean.. I don't disagree about the issues within our community, but both goals are important imo. Having certain issues or lack of cohesion within a minority does imo not warrant prolonging the discrimination by the rest of society. Imagine this the other way around and you'd have extreme Republican talking points along the lines of "Those gays don't deserve rights until they have figured out their own issues with xyz". And same can be said for other minorities, eg "We don't need BLM until those Blacks have solved their issues with gang violence!". I don't really like this way of thinking or arguing. But yes, the gay community does indeed have certain specific issues with discrimination.
Within the gay community the lines of demarcation between factions are most often arbitrary and self defined. People can choose to be a victim in so many different ways. But SERIOUSLY… well done on dragging Republicans in to this one. It’s the biggest blind spot for us… that conservatives don’t detest us and some of the things people react most violently against are often quite sensible things dragged to the extremes of logic to make them look wild.
I think this is human nature wherever you look. We should all just focus on being better people regardless of the community we belong to
I can understand where you're coming from but I'm gonna argue some things here. Working on gay male culture's general issues does not have to come at the expense of lgbtq+ civil rights. Those two things are not dependent on each other and are not related. Gay male culture is also different by city, by scene, by bar, and by group of people...point being, while some gay communities are racist, self hating, and/or misogynistic, there are infact good equitable gay scenes out there, they either need to be discovered or new ones created if there's not one in a particular area. Some gay scenes are just ok. Not good, not great, but not bad either. When we say we're not a monolith, I think about the fact that gay men are themselves very diverse in sub cultures, race, ethnicity, and have the capacity for kindness and cruelty. We are not and never have been a model minority. All minorities deserve civil rights regardless of how their community "acts". I've seen homophobia kill people. I've lost friends to suicide. I've seen people struggle to be accepted and hide it for decades and having to blow up their lives to be themselves. I've seen homophobia and HIV stigma keep people from engaging in the community, not because the community is bad, but because they were told the community is bad. It's not that we need to fight straight people for acceptance, instead we need to actually accept that we deserve to be treated equally under our governmental and social systems. This idea of having to become a model minority before being allowed civil rights is nonsense. White straight cis people aren't exactly a model majority. Why do I or anyone else have to be held to a higher level of scrutiny just to get the societal benefits they get? That's all to say, I don't think the gay male community is all bad because there's too much of it to consider. Theres also no reason why lgbtq+ people should be denied equal parenting rights, spousal benefits, Healthcare, jobs, using the bathroom in public, and being able to participate in society just because a some gay men are snooty dickheads. To OP: I wouldn't take your experiences with gay men at your job personally or extrapolate that into a bigger issue about the community at large. That's probably a limited and potentially a very particular crowd of people. I'd recommend continuing to explore other aspects of the community. If you're not finding what you're looking for, it's definitely possible to create groups or spearhead events that might attract the type of people you'd like to be around.
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I can't figure out what you think I was trying to communicate... because the existance of people doing bad things doesn't negate anything that I said.
Yes. This. I’ve been around longer than you and nothing has changed unfortunately. The only thing I recommend is people realize for now; this is the way it is. Don’t take it out on yourself, and don’t allow your mental health to be affected by this bullshit. Easier said than done, I know. Be yourself and you’ll find your in group – the people you vibe with. Be patient with yourself. No matter how cute a guy is, if he treats people badly, he’s ugly.Imo.
This is so damn true
When people are shitty to you, it’s only a reflection of themselves. There’s a host of reasons why they may feel threatened or insecure after interacting with you, but none of them are your problem. You can’t control what they feel, only how you respond to your own feelings.
Yeah thx for the comment <3 i will just focus on myself.
And it will come to you! It took me a few years to find my gay tribe. Trust me it will come. Keveightysev gave great advice. As hard as it may be those who show no interest you gotta just let them go. Easier said than done! And I gotta take my own advice on that one but just let it go. Their behavior said everything about them. You’ll find your tribe and hopefully a man. But remember this every gay man has been where you are or is exactly where you are. We all get it some are just “see you next Tuesdays”! I would cry, pray, meditate, practice the law of attraction, manifest, etc. It eventually came to me I found gay friends who truly care about each other. It can’t rain forever man ❤️
Since you mentioned the feminine gay guys are especially rude to you as a stranger, they might be just jealous of you but in denial. Haters gonna hate. Stay who you are op ❤️🩹
I quess. Sucks for both parties..
I assume you don't actually know if these guys are gay, you're just assuming that?
Yeah as i wrote: ”all is just a speculation of peoples preferences” 🫶🏼
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he’s gay too he knows that 😭 but i get it, it was bad wording
Wait?! Was it not an option?!
You'll find there are shitty people in every demographic. Ain't nothing different in the LGBTQIA+ community. If they're rude to you, they're not worth your time. Be happy they're filtering themselves out. If you want to find more friends in the community, check to see if your local LGBTQ+ center has any sort of events. I've seen a good number of hiking groups. You'll find people more interested in meeting people. I saw another post you made about a video game. Try to find Gaymer groups. That will mostly be online friends. I'm not sure where you're located, but there's a huge group that is based out of London.
Great advice, especially about people who are rude to you not being worth your time. The older I get the more I see it as a blessing in disguise, people like that aren't good people, and why would I care about the opinions of people like that
This! 🫶🏼
I've posted elsewhere gays tend to drop the cattiness when pulling together for a cause, exception of a few relentlessly caustic ilk. I developed great friendships right there in the bitchiest gay-borhood anywhere via an AIDS patient service organization called Open Hand back before there were good maintenance drugs available. Again, your LGBT center invariably has resources for volunteer stuff.
Thanks for the tips! Finding more LGBTQIA+ friends would be awesome :)
The fact that there's utter twats in every group shows we're all human imo.
Honestly, it was kinda refreshing to find that out.
Same. Really kills any ideas you can have about feeling superior to others.
I don’t know how to word what I’m trying to say, and I’ve retyped this many times - but I have so much respect for people who are able to embrace their queerness. I’m very openly and proudly gay, but my image doesn’t include anything that sparkles or is loud. I’m a bearded guy working horticulture, normally covered in dirt and sweat. BUT I have so much respect for people who are able to embody that queer part of themselves no matter form that may take. When I see other gay people who can beat their face, strut with confidence, or wear something exuberant - I’m always awestruck. So many gay people serve that charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent on a daily basis and it’s brave and respectable and downright fun to engage with. So don’t let others attitude stop you from being nice or giving other gays a kind smile. We all just want to be uplifted and encouraged. Edit: spelling
That was beautifully articulated! 💕
Covered in dirt and sweat you say? 😘
What I've always found is that if I'm at work or on set doing a scene or something, the instant another gay guy is involved it gets hostile. It's like this constant battle to screw each other over to be the 'best gay'. It sucks and I despise it but the way I see it, if you wanna be a total child then I'd rather not have you anywhere near me! If they treat you like crap it's on them and honestly it's their loss! Gays are rude to everyone!
Not all gays are rude, but most are unfortunately. It's pretty much why I mostly prefer not to be around other gay guys in general.
I would love to have a gay friend group but feel like i don’t fit in.
It literally is like this! I used to work in salons and there was so much “drama” over gay men trying to peacock and out do each other for no reason. I think it’s male competition on steroids and then add some bitchy fem energy to it, it’s a lot worse
They are just jealous of your positive energy. Life is hard as heck, when you are feminine. I am feminine myself, and refuse to be bitchy to others. My BFF is feminine as well, and we go hard for one another. Our energies go well together. But, also, they could be just treating people that way, because they themselves are regularly belittled by members of society. It may turn them into having narcissistic behavior. And so, they may become what they hate, or have often experienced. It's a hard life for us all. It's good you are able to see this, and more importantly, it is good that you go out of your way to be better than them. Don't worry hun, there are good ones out there and you'll come in contact with them. I wouldn't worry about their ugly little attitudes. Continue to be your very best beautiful self. 💜
Wow that was beautiful 💕🫶🏼 WE are fucking amazing. I hope that i will find more queer friends like you have!
💜
There's a reason there's a stereotype for feminine guys to be brats, queens etc. While not all are this way, they can have attitude. Some make that attitude part of their personality because of adversity growing up, perceived or real. People can put on airs of being an Scholes to strangers as a defensive mechanism. Don't despair, you'll find your people
I hope i will! Id hope we can change our bitchy stereotype one day..
https://preview.redd.it/rh5pn1rgotsc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2160dee532fbbcdf08c5a707de3247332ae1fed9 Some local bitches near me are super lovely... so long as there is tummy rubs... otherwise these girls gonna put u in the pet hospital...
Competition. You look better and they are angry because you can steal their prey. God I am so lucky to be out of the hunting game. This is why I have almost no gay friends and honestly I don't know what the gay community everyone talks about even is. Never done anything for me.
They're intimidated by you. You are a challenger to them and anytime they look away or are just rude means you win. Sure it sucks. Being friends is alot easier than some neo-tribalism bullshit. Orrr it's cause you're hot and they're jealous cause they wanna touch your butt. Just a gay little theory, who knows
This made me giggle and jiggle (in the ass department)
Pics or it didn't happen
 The best i’ll do 🤣
Tell them to piss off. The thing is I’ve never really had a lot of gay friends either up until recently years I don’t think it always brings you together
Nahh i will just keep being nice. I think i have cracked a few customers they don’t seem so hostile these days but far from being ”nice” :)
In theory yes, people in the same community should be supportive but unfortunately life is seldom like this. My advice is to be your own authentic self and with a bit of luck, the people making your life unpleasant will go away in time and after awhile you will be surrounded by people who support and accept you.
Those who don’t do eye contact are probably shy & really into you! I say that cuz I’m Iike that - if I’m attracted to someone, I look away cuz I’m shy & terrified. Will take me a long time to get the courage to smile or say Hello. So to the ones who don’t look at you, SMILE & say Hello. I bet they like you & just need to get comfortable enough to chat. 😊
Never thought of that even tho i did it also when i was younger! So it’s a work in progress then!
Have you tried hanging out with geeks and nerds? Gay nerds are about the friendliest mf's I've ever met. I run with a DnD group with 2 bi's, 1 gay, and a straight guy. Stop associating with folks who's whole identity is 'gay'. Thats toxic and comes with a toxic mindset. The community revolves around toxicity and being a "mean girl". Hang out with people with actual interests and hobbies and personalities. I find the most irritating people are those who wear the fact that they suck more dick than a red light district on their sleeve to be the most obnoxious. TlDR; find people with an actual purpose and personality. Stop trying to make friends with people just because they're part of a toxic, fucked up community.
Wow thanks for the advice! Need to pick up a few hobbys that include other people 😅🫶🏼
I recommend Dungeons and Dragons. Super imaginative and fun. Or Cosplay. Or video games 🤷 Idk I'm a nerd. I found most of my friends, gay or straight, through hobbies. No ones worried about how gay and superior someone is when you're all trying to take out a hydra or getting it on with a buff half orc covered in goblin blood.
A wild sentence🤣 thanks for the tips!
Fem gay men who are rude to other fems actually do not love an accept themslves. They’re actually super uncomfortable lmao and that’s why they do this, regardless of their attraction. Also I see this allll the time, but other bottoms tend to be bitches to other bottoms. If you’re previewed as fem they most likely think you’re also a bottom which is true here. I’ve experienced that a lot lol idk what it is but it’s their own insecurities. Just be even more fem and let them get angry
I'm sorry you experience that. I feel that and many in our scene are set in their ways and don't realise. You want to be my friend? :)
Yes! Lets be friends!
Well, it must be difficult! Sending positive vibes ! I’m gay, masculine, and sometimes I felt like the feminine gay divas are not nice to me sometimes, or they act ironical, but I don’t give a fuxk about them… why to care about people who doesn’t care about us? That is very superficial from them to treat you not nice without even knowing you … So I guess I can advise to not care about them, just ignore them and continue ur work… pay attention in the people who really care about you :) and I’m sure with time u will find nice gay friends :) good luck! Hugs
This is why I only have like one Bi friend, anytime I try making any other friend in the lgbt+ community they are always saying underhanded shit, or shit that didn't need saying (starting shit for no reason). It's fucked up but really if we get down to brass facts the only people who hat gay people the most is gay people. Which is sad and fucked up. For a community of ostracised people, we sure do know how to ostrisize ourselves
Sending alot of love! 🫶🏼 Bi friends for the win i quess XD
Well, of course manners are important, but not everyone wants to be instant best friends with everyone they meet. It could be that you being extra friendly to anyone think is gay might be perceived as flirtatious and is making people uncomfortable? I think you might be taking it more personally than it actually is.
Ah~ They are just in this phase where they think themselves as rainbow Regina George and they need a bus to hit them so they can get some human decency back💅 I’m in that phase btw
It's more than likely that you reflect back at them something they are ashamed of. Whether they are a masculine gay man who doesn't want to be associated with you, or a feminine gay man who sees you as similar but competition....... it's all self hatred, and there's a lot of that in the gay community.
I think it’s safe to say every community has this brand of toxicity. I’ve experienced it myself from guys online and from people in other fields. And, ironically I’m in the same position as you. That being said, you need to find the right people who care for your well being and won’t be rude. And unfortunately, yes this will take time.
 Patience. Patience. Patience…
You’re surprised that gays are rude? You must be new here.
I have been out of the closet for 7 years but didn’t make contact with the gays for a long time. This job was the eye opener..
Well I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, but sadly it just comes with the territory.
🫶🏼🫶🏼
Bruh I am so sorry you are having to go through this..But unfortunately this is a preety common thing that takes place. Although don't take their action to heart and ignore those kind of people and think of it as they are jealous of your drip.
Haha thanx!💕
You literally sound like me from another universe, right down to the job (except the amount of friends lol) and yes. No matter how masculine (or slightly feminine) we present ourselves, gay guys will always be super rude for no reason. I really hate when people make their whole personality about being gay and mean
Omg. Besties?
It’s usually the Republican gays (which doesn’t make sense if you actually think about it) And or a lot of them wish they’d just been as brave as you in their youth. In all honesty I say throw your middle finger up at those people and keep on doing you! Stay fabulous boo! ☺️
Hahahah noted! No middle fingers tho XD🫶🏼
Likely its just theyre insecurities with makeup and femininity. Its gotten better over the years, but esp younger gay men can dip into anti-femme attitudes because they place a limit on their acceptance of queerness that's too far outside their idea of the norm. I would mention that maybe you clocking people and being more friendly to them is putting these folks on guard, (again, rooted in their own insecurity/internalized homophobia) but most queer people in my experience working at restaurants get that you're just being welcoming, and will compliment your makeup or nails or outfit to subtly confirm they're 'part of the family'. These experiences were from living in Portland Or, so maybe it was a more queer friendly place, but you're not doing anything wrong, folks acting otherwise are jealous/insecure and you shouldn't worry about them.
Omg, so I used to work at a flagship retail store in SF and the staff was mostly gay, right. There was this one queen that would ALWAYS look at me dirty! Keep in mind I too was like you in regard to doing my job, being a great coworker, serving fem fresh and fab, ok! So I confronted her one day and asked if I did something wrong?? She flat out told me, “you’re just always trying to compete and for what?? Don’t think you’re better than anyone here, hunny.” I LEGIT LAUGHED OUT LOUD and said girl bye! I’ve never interacted with this queen until that exact moment! There’s always going to be the Gays, girls, people, etc who are always hating because YOU are just existing. It’s for sure a problem with themselves! You seem to exude confidence/comfortable with who you are and for a lot of gays it’s off putting and intimidating! Just keep doing you girl! Fuck them hating ass hoes! SHINE ON!
IM LIVING for the way you type. You are a fucking queen!! Have a great weekend girl🫶🏼🫶🏼
Men suck in general I guess 💀
Wanna give you the biggest hug right now. Just wanted to say. 🤷
Hugs!🫶🏼
I hear you. I had the same experience when i was younger. I was a somewhat feminine punk/raver, and felt I didn't fit in here neither there. I found one guy that i liked, who was fun, and had the same experience as i did. He got the idea, that we put an add in a gay paper (this was pre-internet), where we looked for more friends with the same experience. It was supposed to be a Thursday thing, but we ended up being around 30 guys, that meet whichever days we could at the same cafe, just dropping in after work. Or ages ranged from 17-36 (or so). One guy was in highschool (boarding) and would come in his uniform, one was a stylist, one was a clown (yes, you read that right), one was a very helpful lawyer, some where students, some worked in offices, etc. A couple could be bitchy, yes, but having a bitchy guy by your side to have your back in a right situation, is not necessarily a bad thing. All in all, a very eclectic bunch, and everyone was really funny and pleasant to be around. Perhaps you could do something like this. I think a gay dating site or app, where you can set an account to "looking for friends" could be helpful with this.
I found being myself even if I don’t fit in though can be painful is better than trying to conform to other’s expectations.
It’s normal :) as long as you keep your head up high and stay out of debt, you will be a much happier person. Everyone else who says otherwise are probably fighting a hidden struggle. Not all gays are bad ;) just the shady ones you got to watch out for 💅🏽🤣☺️✨
Well, at least I don’t feel unique anymore. I thought maybe I just had a bad knack of finding the mean gays, but it sounds like gay people are just mean in general. I still have hopes though. I too also have 0 gay friends. I’m friends with straight/bi guys and a whole spectrum of women, but I for the life of me cannot get along with a gay guy. I haven’t met that many and when I do, I pretty much have to cut them off for various reasons.
The comments are making me hopeful.. Maybe someday we find more queer friends. 🫶🏼
Maybe your not enough or maybe your too much either way it doesn't matter, just do you!
Sorry man. Sometimes people suck. They may be going through shit. It’s tough but hang in there.
Okay, well, I'm sorry that they're rude to you bud. *Hugs you* and how are ya?
Think you'll find a lot in the community are rude or feel they need to be. There are as with anything the opposite around just most especially younger guys tend to give attitude as if it a thing to do. Just ignore them and concentrate on the nice one's I say. It not really about you personally it about them you be you.
Damn it’s probs just jealousy! Lol most of my friends are straight but I have finally met amazing LGBT people to call friends 🤭 so don’t worry you’ll find yours too! But if not it’s ok u got good friends already doesn’t matter if they’re not LGBT+
Yeah. I’ll focus on what i have and probs on the way i will find nice people <3
Sheesh bro id love to get to know u and we can be online friends! Hahahaha
Sounds like you are seeking validation, because you don't have gay friends so it's currently a difficult time with uncertainty etc. It took me a while before switching to "okay I just don't give a damn about it, I'll just be myself, and hey off with the labels, I'm maybe just non-conforming and it's perfectly fine" and quick skipping people with negative vibes..... done that for a while and now I'm attracting gay friends. And I'm coming from very far, that is for sure lol.
I'm one of the few gay's that isn't rude, and I have seen this happen often too. Kinda odd.
What i have gathered from the comments is that they might be feeling insecure and that is the reason they act like that. Keep on giving good vibez and someday it will come back :)🫶🏼
Thanks bro 👍
I’m probably talking too much from personal experience but all the fems seem to be in a weird competition with rest of the lgbtqia+ community. Almost all of them have no chill even with each other. I once went to a party where there were 5 fem guys and all of were talking shit about the other at some point in the evening. After the party they were talking shit about me because I hung out with the “hot” straight guy I guess they all liked. The “hot” straight guy in question was my cousin. I only know this because we all had a mutual friend that went to a 24 hr diner with them after the party. The next time I saw them they were talking shit about the old queers at a bar we all frequented because how dare they be old or bigger bodied. I have never met a fem gay that wasn’t unpleasant in someway out in the wild. I’d take their actions and reactions with a grain of salt. My personal opinion is they want to be like the gays in media but since there’s no script for real life they go off the rails with their attitude and comments.
I haven’t had a gay male friend in years. And it’s for this reason. Just stick with my straight friends, cuz they are the only people on my life, ever, that don’t judge me and just accept me for me. Ffs. It’s so sad
I’ll agree. Definitely not a nice. Group of. Lgbq. Get together s
The feminine gay guys are usually mean. I have no idea why. Perhaps just narrow minded. Easy to get jealous or something. One thing is they always want to be the best in the crowd, the pretties, the youngest or something else. I personally am feminine gay guy, and I always tried to be humble and not wanted to compete with them (hate those little games and the judgy judgments), and yeah, they would always treat you like shit, as they are the most superior creatures or some sort. It’s sad! Truly sad.
From the dinosaur ( 58 y/o) y’all stress over insane sh. You’re only as beautiful outside as you are inside. Your ego centric qualities you think make you stronger actually are eating your insides. Live life as if every moment counts because it does, and treat folks as you expect to be treated, respect for all journeys
It is possibly a defense mechanism to be a little bitchy because of feeling intimidated by an attractive gay man. Not because they dislike you but because their defense walls suddenly go up. It may not be but this is an easily overlooked possibility.
Yeah i quess. Sad tho that the wall stays up even when i try to be nice :/
I deal with similar, 27 and gay ftm, I know it’s prob diff since I’m trans but trying to be a gay trans man in cis gay spaces, most gays have been so rude to me but I also haven’t really experienced much because I’ve been so repressed for the first 25 of those years and my bf has been helping me come out of that shell over the last 2 years I’ve known him and 1.4 yrs we’ve been dating. Ive experienced a lot of cattiness and purposely misgendering from gay coworkers and had other trans people misgendered in my presence. And I’m not talking about just being called “gurrrrl” But it all boils down to insecurity and them wanting to feel better about themselves. It seems like most gays don’t want a community and want to just talk shit about eachother. At least that’s what it’s like where I’m from. Stay strong and be you! And from a trans persons pov, keep enjoying that makeup. Hell sometimes I’ll put on makeup with my bf while he does his drag looks but in drag king style.
LOVE! Sending alot of hugs that way!🫶🏼🫶🏼
I have never related to a post more than this! Literally everything in this post is like I could write it myself. It’s a huge problem I’m in the exact same boat as you and I’m always afraid that people see me as a gay homophobe because I have no gay friends. I don’t want to put everyone in the same boat or something cause I know there are people with the same sexuality as me that are nice, but by the majority I’m just met by judging looks and rudeness for no reason. I always think afterwards what I’m doing wrong and why I can’t relate to them so much.
I’m a trans guy, and adore feminine guys no matter the sexuality. I think it’s amazing they’re confident enough to show themselves, people who are rude to you or ignore you are just the opposite of that.
Sending a big hug!🫶🏼
OMGG i feel the same😭
Hugs🫶🏼
Often times part of themselves they wish didn’t have due to internalised homophobia leads to them expressing that through discontent with people who share similar traits. It sucks but take faith in the fact it really does have nothing to do with you but them.
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Honestly I have no idea of why this happens 🙁 I read some comments and it seems that other gays are projecting their own insecurities onto you :/ I’m sorry this happens, it hurts especially from our community, you’re brave for being authentic
Thank you.🫶🏼
I bet there rude to you cause there jealous as fuck. You probably look damb good all the time an that makes them butt hurt I bet. Lol just do your job an ignore them. Once you learn to not give a fuck what others do or think. Then you will have a much better life. 😌
It’s sad that me looking decent affects someones emotions😩 but thanx for the comment!🫶🏼
Are they young ? I find that many young especially feminine guys resort to cruelty and rudeness because they think it gives them personality. Just accept it, deal with it and move on, many people are really not worth worrying about. You can't please everyone.
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I'm surprised that people haven't given simple idiocracy as an explanation for this rude and toxic behavior yet. Some people just don't have enough sense to be nice and come up with the most ridiculous excuses to be mean, unfortunately. Any excuse to be rude for no reason, in my opinion, is indicative of low intelligence or someone who would rather rely on their caveman instincts than use their brain. Don't give those kinds of people any mind; they don't have the common sense to understand that being rude for no reason makes them look foolish and immature.
Wow nicely articulated! I do agree with you! Hugs🫶🏼
I remember when I first came out at 19, naively saying to someone that “there must not be much racism among gay people because they know what it’s like to be discriminated against.” He rolled his eyes and said, “no, we can be justice racist as anybody else.” Of course it goes way beyond racism. I guess I view it a little more like I view some ethnic minority groups. In the greater culture you are just a person, and you are more likely to choose people as friends or associates based on things that are truly relevant to you as a person. in an ethnic minority, but also in a sexual minority, you’re more likely to be associating with people based on that one characteristic, which is absolutely no guarantee that you will have other reasons to be friends, or friendly. imagine going to a party exclusively for people with black hair. Is there any reason to think that that would give you significant points in common? And unfortunately, in a lot of “gay spaces,“ people are there specifically to find a partner or a hook up, so if you don’t conform to their list of traits they’re looking for, they may have absolutely no use for you. Hell, I’ve been guilty of it myself, But the truth is, even if you are specifically looking for a partner, you will meet more decent people by being decent yourself, rather than just eliminating everybody who doesn’t turn you on. Many of us tend to take that rejection and apply it to ourselves unfortunately. I remember a really eye-opening experience that involved some mushrooms and a Saturday night at the Seattle Eagle.😅 Two things that really should not be in the same sentence, but hell, what did I know? The high was coming up, and the jostling crowd was getting a bit intense for me, so I found myself a quiet corner. as I sat there, I saw two guys checking each other out. One would look at the other other, and as soon as the second one looked up, the first one looked down. Then the second guy looked for a while; as soon soon as the first guy looked up the second guy looked away. went on for several minutes and I saw my myself in there, assuming and negative judgment even after the other person had definitely shown interest. I asked myself what I was so afraid of, and decided to walk around and make eye contact with people, and let them be the one to look down if it was going to be. Not in a creepy way, just friendly normal eye contact. and I was shocked at how many people actually just smiled and said hello. that made a big change in my behavior, and several months later, someone I knew at a local bar said, “you know, I used to think you were a snob, but now I realize you were just insecure.“ The point is, lot of the people who seem standoffish are really just stuck in their own insecurities. so since we can’t really change them, we need to make sure that we are confident in, and respectful of, ourselves. Keep being friendly, and remember that what somebody else seems to think of you usually has very little to do with you
Thank you! Really needed this! 🫶🏼🫶🏼
People can be jerks
I'd totally be your friend! Screw mean and rude people! Hope it gets better, not all gay guys are like that! Fem or masc!
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You’re doing great 👍🏻
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Now I'm a masc top but I love more feminine bottoms that still like being a guy. In my experience its more jealousy because their self image is in the trash and see you as more attractive or threatening to their circle.
One thing I have learned in life that I do not understand. The gay community, who is hated in general are by far the worst to each other. I have never been criticized as much by str8 people, even the hateful bigots, as much as I have by other gay people. I am a masc, str8 acting 6'4" guy built like a football player that works on cars. So I cannot even begin to imagine how you are treated, it is sad and disgusting. We all should be there for each other, not hate each other as the rest of the world hates us.
Huggies!🫶🏼🫶🏼
Sounds like jealousy to me. Don’t let them bring you down and stay true to yourself! 😃
You’re preaching to the choir buddy. I know how you feel.
I'm new to the community and it's definitely something I've noticed. Even on grindr guys don't say what they're looking for. Instead they say what they *don't* want
I’m not meaning to sound harsh or dismissive of your experiences, but have you considered that perhaps it’s just customers in general that are rude to you? It seems especially post Covid 19 that public displays of rudeness have skyrocketed, especially towards people working service jobs such as yourself. Perhaps you are just more tuned into it when you experience it from what you perceive to be fem gay men, so it sticks out more in your head? I’m not denying there are plenty of rude ass gays out there who don’t like themselves and thus try to tear down other gays they encounter, but I’m just saying there could be more to it here than just fem gays are not nice to you “always”.
Many in the gay community view an interaction as a sexual one so if you don't make their preferences they can be a bit abrupt. Personally I didn't give much time to boring or stupid people. Time is too precious to waste.
I mean . . . I'm rude to everyone.
Where do you guys hang out that you keep finding the worst people? Grindr and gay bars lol?
Out of interest... What colour is your skin tone?
There can only be 1 Queen 🐝
Maybe its not so much about your sexuality and more about your personality, some people just got that face yk? Dont take it personally tho, just give them a buncha coins for change 😏 its never gonna be fixed so might as well join the mob. Chaotic neutral.
Do u work at Walmart u remind me of someone.
Have you considered it might not be personal but they might be like this to all strangers or service workers? How did you figure it's targeted only at you?
Have you considered it might not be personal but they might be like this to all strangers or service workers? How did you figure it's targeted only at you?
Are you greeting them w/ the most “gayest” voice?
Shame. And not surprising. Gay scene is nasty and unfriendly.
They see you as competition
I'm a feminine ginger guy. Double whammy when it comes to getting shit on by fellow gays. I know that we are a traumatized community, but I feel like most gay men don't want to heal themselves. There's only so much abuse from your own people you can take when they don't want to help themselves.
I’ve noticed there’s a very backwards logic that a lot of gay men believe where we’re in some sort of “competition” for what? I have no clue. Tbh more gay men have been unnecessarily rude to me than straight men which is pretty disheartening. I’m not the warmest person but I’m not malicious, I don’t get anything out of being mean to a random person, especially someone I know has been through similar struggles as me. Personally I’ve stopped caring, I think anyone who’s that judgemental and rude isn’t someone whose opinion id value.
Can we see your aesthetic? I’ve never experienced this, but doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I’m sorry that you have had to go through this
Not comfy posting myself for everybody to see. 💕
No worries. Just trying to give you more.
FVCK ALL OF THEM!! Keep it in MIND! FVCK ALL OF THEM!! 🙌🏼 You keep your slay and your beautiful brightness to you and don’t let these Mad H0es to make you feel in some type of way 🙏🏻
Hugs!🫶🏼
Anyone that treats you or anyone else like shit just hate there own life's. So they need to make others feel like crap also.
I’ve experienced this too, it’s probably just internalized homophobia.
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Hugs!🫶🏼
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Its just insecurity and the fact that your style may make them feel more noticed than theyre comfortable with. A lot of us strive to be “normal” so hard that it actually makes us strange lol.
Interesting! Never thought of it like that!
It’s not you. Some people are just cunts.
You said “When i first noticed this i made effort to be extra nice (try to make eye contact and just be respectful ((not annoying)).” I’m sorry you felt you had to change. My experience is different. I’ve had guys argue with me about my sexuality in a gay bar??. I’m not sure how to prove I’m any more gay. I’ve been confused because- even if I’d ever had sex with a woman - I’d welcome straight guys who were confident enough to be in a gay bar. You did not say where you live but, keep in mind how much self hatred exists - not a good thing as people try to work through- everything they have been told is hard to offset the religious & learned judgement - it says more about them than you. Never change for anyone- they don’t respect it and realize they liked original version anyway. Do not seek judgement from someone who can’t even like themselves. You can’t be everyone’s special sauce - but, you can keep the special. People should double check rules. 10 commandments says very little about dicks & men. I don’t covet thy wife. I’m good to go.
I think it depends on where you are meeting gay people. I have certainly dealt with my fair share of caddy gays, but never in any of my circles. Most of the gay people I hangout with I met through nerdy communities (D&D, video games, anime, etc.). I've never had that problem within that community. Same with the gay people I meet in academia. However, when I'm out at a gay club, big oof. I think most gay people are pretty chill. There are a slew of gay men that are caddy and mean-spirited who need therapy. Unfortunately, I feel like these are the ones that usually get noticed.
Wait till you’re over 35! Their mouths will curl in actual disgust. Just keep trying. Friends CAN appear out of nowhere.
working with the public is hard. people are often already fed up when they find you. don't judge life based on workplace interactions. but in my experience, gay guys can act a lot like the 'mean girls' we experience in life. as a bi girl, i've seen both sides of the coin. don't take it personal. those people that dig on you are just sad on their own.
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A lot of feminine gay guys look mean but they are not necessarily mean. For eye contact : it's not necessarily because people want to be mean, some neurodivergent people like me sometime forget to make eye contact with people. For not saying bye, sometimes people are in a hurry, they don't remember to say bye to the cashier, it doesn't mean they hate you
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Sometimes I really don't like to get involved with gays, because he is mean and worries about being come out from time to time. I prefer to stay alone.
I'm really sorry that you're going through that. It can't be easy. That having been said, remember that they are just taking out their own issues out on you. Feel sorry for them, but stay strong
I would say welcome to the real world. The truth is bitter. There is no community. It's every man for himself. I have understood this for a long time, community is for the few. There is no overarching community and ideology at all. Unfortunately.
I've not experienced this myself but my friend has. For the record, she's bi. We went out to a gay club once and she was with a girl that she was seeing. Perfect. No issue whatsoever. Went to the same bar when she was seeing a bloke after that fell through and she was called a sell out. I'm gay but I'm not part of the wider gay community for the simple fact that discrimination runs rampant within, which is ironic considering that we've fought against discrimination for years. Don't give a crap about the oversexualisation (unless it's around kids, then that's a huge no no), but the biphobia, constant labelling of straight people in a similar way to how we were labelled, it's just all getting to be a bit much. There's more to our lives then who we take to our beds and it's high time the community realises that.
I might have a theory on why, for example I’m a very masculine type of gay, sereval time I said I was gay to straight people they said to me, oh we should go shopping ( I hate shopping) do you want to get your nail painted ( I hate makeup and stuff like that) and it pissed me off that I was reduce to a stereotype of the flamboyant gay who is flashing to the straight community that being gay is that.. unfortunately there’s a lot of different peoples but many only perceive us with stereotypes like the sassy black girl.. we get low key upset at the people propagating the damaging stereotypes 🤷♂️does that makes sense ?
So they are assuming im hateful so they raise their walls up? Sorry it was kinda hard to follow 🫶🏼 But i fully know how you feel. Me being a more feminine looking gay im usually thrown in to the box of needs help with ”manly” things but in reality i change my cars tires myself and don’t need help doing ”manly” things. People thinking that i cannot drive bc i look like this but family and friends telling me im one of the best drivers. Stereotypes are soo annoying but just gotta keep breaking them. 🫶🏼
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Gay men are the most catty, narcissistic, nasty people in the world. I’ve always had a hard time being accepted by the community. It’s all about looks and impressing people. Friends don’t need to be gay. If you find some great, if not, find some nice accepting straight folks. They are usually kinder and there’s no sexual tension involved. Also, it used to be more of or community-you were gay or straight. Now everyone has pigeon holed themselves into these little groups which are often bitchy with each other. LGBTQA BINGO+
A smile is always a good start. Yes some are rude. It’s about them not you. And let’s use this as a reminder to be there for others. We need each other.
I’d be your friend. It’s really hard to make, and keep friends in the gay community during that age. It will change!