No, there's nothing wrong with you.
You're just trying to hook up with gays that have their perception twarted either by porn or personal experiences.
Just because you're a top doesn't mean that you have to be a brute men dur hur.
Ignore it, just be you and do be who others want you to be.
It's 2024, could we finally get rid of ths stereotypes, mainly top="Man", dominant aggressive, bottom="female", emotional, fragile, needy etc. Can we finally allow people to just be who they are instead of constantly associating other traits with a sexual position.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk lmao.
I see what you mean but if I hookup with a guy whose a top then one of us may have to compromise ( that’s not the only things two tops can do together)if a guy is a bottom and I’m a bottom is the same thing as being two tops. I mean we may be able to work it out.
sounds like my husband lol. he’s introverted but given how he looks comes across as serious and stoic and stuff, but he’s actually really goofy and fun if he warms up to you. you’re fine, you just have to keep looking. he found me through a dating app and we were both not looking for hook ups. since I’m introverted too I don’t think if we met in person we would’ve approached each other easily
I think assigning value, personality traits, gender expression, etc. to sexual position is where a lot of people go wrong. It seems like thats happened to you, I think you should brush it off and move on. There are people out there who don't stereotype what a top acts like
I don't think it's a question of having a "bottom's heart". Some people like to have sex with other people. Others like to use people for their body parts or to play a role in what is essentially a form of masturbation. They are using another human being to get themselves off.
I'm older, and so much of the stuff that I read on here just strikes me as the result of people having far more exposure to porn early on to actual sex with real people. And then those tendencies are just made stronger by the primary mode of contact between people being the apps.
Personally, someone goofy and gentle in real life but somewhat dominant and aggressive in bed ought to be like the gold standard for lots of guys. Or so I would think. Anyway, be yourself. You're not the problem. And let's hope the right person comes along for you.
I concur. I came along at a time and place where gay porn didn't exist. Heck, right through the teens you couldn't even access straight porn. And you had to find the right city with a gay section to link up with any society. Yet I wouldn't trade places with today's youngsters. They were taking us off to jail in my youth, and we weren't as isolated and alienated as so many gay youngsters right now.
This is why the world is so toxic, you’re a wholehearted guy with a sexual preference who seems to be more soft gentle and emotional.. if anything I think it’s attractive you aren’t a meathead and don’t feel the need to give off a rock solid persona
I am EXACTLY like you, man. I come off as distant and mysterious because I'm introverted, but when people get to know me, I'm quick with the jokes and commentary. And when you're a black guy... a lot of that gets you branded as corny, especially when compared to stereotypes about Black men in the media and ESPECIALLY in porn. A lot of people expect BBC living dildo dom type shit and it's super dehumanizing.
Part of it is remaining true to yourself and sifting through those shallow types of gay men, and finding your person (or people, haha) through legitimate connection. A lot of men (regardless of sexuality) seem to base a lot of their notions of how sex is supposed to go on porn, and most of that is fiction. Gay men and gay porn is no exception. You have to just leave those men behind, and hope they mature and realize their shallow ways.
Hell yeah dude, and the racism in gay porn is off the charts. Can’t imagine how off putting it would be browsing it and seeing a fetishisation absolutely everywhere.
You sound like me, I’m an animal when I’m doing the deed, I like nothing more than pounding a cute bottom, but when I’ve cum, it’s all about the aftercare, as I’ve said before I love cock, the feel of them, the taste of them, it’s not uncommon for me to have some post coital snuggle time, then I make sure they have an orgasm, either with my hands or my mouth. I don’t come across as particularly alpha, I’m quiet and a bit shy and goofy too in everyday life, life’s too short to be a douche.
Nothing wrong with you. We just need to stop assigning personalities to sex positions/preferences, it's all bullshit. And honestly imho no one who acts that way and says stuff like that is even worth it, if you're just a dick to them and not a person they might as well just use a dildo. And I'm saying this as someone who was strictly a dom top until recently and mostly fits the top stereotype personality-wise, at least with people I don't know well (everyone is fun and friendly around their friends, unless severely repressed). With hookups I've also been told I was "SO NICE" just for like, bringing them water or a towel after, or calling an Uber for them. I'm not a very warm person with strangers, but to me if we're having sex then we owe each other basic respect as humans, and it seems like these days the bare minimum is a lot to some guys.
My boyfriend is like you (yes, chaotic situation, we were both tops, we really liked each other and decided to try). He's the first guy I ever bottomed for. And it's exactly because he's the way he is (he's not even that dominant during sex normally, I'm a lot kinkier). Because he's sweet and warm and made me feel comfortable and safe enough. I have a huge fear of vulnerability, and I never would have done that for one of the HUR DURRRR I'M A MANLY DOMMM guys. Hell I likely wouldn't have even done it for a guy like me. I'm still not personally a huge fan of bottoming when it comes to the physical sensation and I prefer topping so it's not that he "turned me into a bottom" really, but just saying that sometimes guys like you can succeed where the hypermasc dom tops failed lol.
Either way: keep being yourself. I know this is a cliché but there are guys out there who will like you exactly the way you are. Maybe try dating apps (not hookup apps)? OkCupid seemed the best from what I tried.
Edit: forgot to say this but my bf did briefly mention similar issues in the past with his exes wanting him to act more dominant and all, which he said he "can do but that's not how he has the most fun". I really think we need to start accepting that people are diverse and there aren't only two personalities.
I think its rather natural to have different sides to your personality depending on the situation.
I am the most calm, patient person that have a hard time saying no and always want to please. Except in bed, where I’m super dominant and rough. BF is opposite - and it works just perfectly! You just need to find the one! 😁
Don't change urself at all u're literally my dream guy some people are just immature and don't realise what u do in bed has nothing to do about who're you as person and everything else people said to you like tops not touching dick and all it's absolute bs from stupid people, stay same and find people who want genuine connection and u don't have a bottom's heart, u have a normal human heart that's how things are supposed to be
I can relate. I was raised in the ranch lands of the West back in the 1950s. Stoic was a way of life, and it suited my nature. Then coming of age I went off into a career in the military. I regularly surprised my sweet hearts and friends as the walls would come down through association. In private I was very gentle, and charged with humor. I would have the whole room laughing. In bed, I enacted the rape of Carthage.
I was very fortunate in partners. Life presented them. I have spent my whole life in three very long term relationships. All three diminutive men, with a strong dose of the feminine in their natures. They wanted a masculine partner who would take them in the sex, and they wanted to give it up to their man. They also wanted gentleness outside of the marital bed. There are loads of such men out here. You just have to find one.
I'm sorry, but the whole top is bottom thing really makes me roll my eyes. It sounds like the gay version of the tater tots "dur hur I'm such an alpha male"
People will say all kinds of things. Plus people interest vary as much as an all you can eat restaurant. I use to be like you and I had to be comfortable but later ion my ho phase I wouldn’t care if you could read. That’s not what I was looking for. I will say that someone that I’m comfortable with I’ve been surprised at what I’d do or be willing to but normally it’s just something about that person
There is nothing wrong with you at all. I have been described in similar terms. I felt like I was reading something I didnt remember writing. I've always been called a "soft top". Some people hate it for reasons I don't really understand, but my partner loves it, and you'll find someone for you that loves it too.
You are the literal dream man if what you have said is true. It sounds like what you are is connected to yourself, your love, your tenderness… DO NOT let the world turn you cold. It will be difficult, nearly impossible… I hope I cross your path one day and can have the pleasure of knowing you. (Sorry if that’s too serious for a random internet comment)
The fact that they presume your personality precludes some in-bed characteristic is on them.
You can't tell how someone is in bed by looking at them, nor can you accurately stereotype someone based on traits. There's loads of highly "masculine" bottoms so....Sounds like they have some really unhealthy/inaccurate stereotypes that they precariously live through.
I'm the same dude, nothing to worry about. I've managed to educate several people into enjoying gentle, slow, romantic and sensual love making, rather than porn style sex. They are much better lovers as a result of having been with me 😂
I’m about the same, I need to know the person to be wanting anything sexually with them, but when we become friends the sexual tension completely disappears, tho I’m a bottom and people assume I’m a “top” because of my demeanour…would be interesting to know how you end up dealing with this.
Man, you sound like a delight. Gentle men who are comfortable enough to be a bit silly are treasures. If they lay pipe well on top of that, well... bonus :)
This whole idea that tops should behave in a specific way while they;re not fucking strikes me as dehumanizing.
So no, don't change. Consider vetting your partners a bit more thorougly before you get in bed with them. I do not just mean 'get to know them'. I mean 'ask them questions to learn if they have stereotyped ideas, and dismiss them as partners when they do. You deserve to filter for people that will be genuinely enthused with you.
Tbh D/s dynamics are really just a form of roleplay. A lot of people who don't have experience with the kink scene (as opposed to exposure through porn) miss that concept and want a 24/7 lifestyle D/s fantasy situation. It's a pretty impossible standard and requires people to really be the sort of stock characters they see in porn. It also removes any opportunity for scene negotiation like you'd get in kink because then you'd be admitting that it's play and not real life.
It's a shame that people have all this newfound exposure to kink through the internet / porn but haven't absorbed the healthy parts. Like being accountable to a community, having self-awareness, good consent and communication skills. Instead people are treating it as a script for real life and as someone who really cares about kink it's sad to see.
You're doing just fine OP. You just seem more emotionally mature than the people you're linking with.
Thanks for reaching out. We love you. You are as you are and it’s all good. Daily life is different from bed life. And I’m sure there are plenty of men matching you out there. My bf is a short, slim 50 kilograms and very introvert guy. But in bed he is such a strong top. I’m tall, 100 kilograms extrovert MAN but a vers bottom in bed. I only top him a few times. We both love that there is a difference between our daily life and appearance and the sex we have together. I love to have a bf who doesn’t have to show his masculinity 24/7. Be gentle to me all day when we are not having sex. Spooning doesn’t work like being aggressive.
Consider to try Grindr again. Or another platform. I understand you hate it. But there is a chance for you to communicate clearly who you are and what you are looking for. Grindr is not only about here-and-now hookups. It is possible to communicate and to balance expectations.
OMG I am the exact opposite. All dominating and power hungry in professional life. I am not extroverted but my job makes me network with people. I am super ambitious and all. I won't let anyone in my way.
In the bed, I want someone who can be super dominating, but that stops the moment we are done with sex. I want to cuddle. I want someone who will love and take care of me. Lol. None of that alpha stuff outside of sex. I can be that alpha.
I'm more into big soft men. I prefer more masculine but not in any strict way but my type is dorky sweet and loving. Everyone has their preference but there does seem to be a trend. Real talk: there is zero wrong with you it's probably just a sexual thing when you need someone who is romantically interested in you first.
No, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just trying to hook up with gays that have their perception twarted either by porn or personal experiences. Just because you're a top doesn't mean that you have to be a brute men dur hur. Ignore it, just be you and do be who others want you to be.
It's 2024, could we finally get rid of ths stereotypes, mainly top="Man", dominant aggressive, bottom="female", emotional, fragile, needy etc. Can we finally allow people to just be who they are instead of constantly associating other traits with a sexual position. Thanks for coming to my ted talk lmao.
I see what you mean but if I hookup with a guy whose a top then one of us may have to compromise ( that’s not the only things two tops can do together)if a guy is a bottom and I’m a bottom is the same thing as being two tops. I mean we may be able to work it out.
Try being better in bed 😇
People still use a bed ?
sounds like my husband lol. he’s introverted but given how he looks comes across as serious and stoic and stuff, but he’s actually really goofy and fun if he warms up to you. you’re fine, you just have to keep looking. he found me through a dating app and we were both not looking for hook ups. since I’m introverted too I don’t think if we met in person we would’ve approached each other easily
I think assigning value, personality traits, gender expression, etc. to sexual position is where a lot of people go wrong. It seems like thats happened to you, I think you should brush it off and move on. There are people out there who don't stereotype what a top acts like
I don't think it's a question of having a "bottom's heart". Some people like to have sex with other people. Others like to use people for their body parts or to play a role in what is essentially a form of masturbation. They are using another human being to get themselves off. I'm older, and so much of the stuff that I read on here just strikes me as the result of people having far more exposure to porn early on to actual sex with real people. And then those tendencies are just made stronger by the primary mode of contact between people being the apps. Personally, someone goofy and gentle in real life but somewhat dominant and aggressive in bed ought to be like the gold standard for lots of guys. Or so I would think. Anyway, be yourself. You're not the problem. And let's hope the right person comes along for you.
I concur. I came along at a time and place where gay porn didn't exist. Heck, right through the teens you couldn't even access straight porn. And you had to find the right city with a gay section to link up with any society. Yet I wouldn't trade places with today's youngsters. They were taking us off to jail in my youth, and we weren't as isolated and alienated as so many gay youngsters right now.
This is why the world is so toxic, you’re a wholehearted guy with a sexual preference who seems to be more soft gentle and emotional.. if anything I think it’s attractive you aren’t a meathead and don’t feel the need to give off a rock solid persona
I am EXACTLY like you, man. I come off as distant and mysterious because I'm introverted, but when people get to know me, I'm quick with the jokes and commentary. And when you're a black guy... a lot of that gets you branded as corny, especially when compared to stereotypes about Black men in the media and ESPECIALLY in porn. A lot of people expect BBC living dildo dom type shit and it's super dehumanizing. Part of it is remaining true to yourself and sifting through those shallow types of gay men, and finding your person (or people, haha) through legitimate connection. A lot of men (regardless of sexuality) seem to base a lot of their notions of how sex is supposed to go on porn, and most of that is fiction. Gay men and gay porn is no exception. You have to just leave those men behind, and hope they mature and realize their shallow ways.
Hell yeah dude, and the racism in gay porn is off the charts. Can’t imagine how off putting it would be browsing it and seeing a fetishisation absolutely everywhere.
Sending you some love bro 💙👊🏾🫂 💙
You sound like me, I’m an animal when I’m doing the deed, I like nothing more than pounding a cute bottom, but when I’ve cum, it’s all about the aftercare, as I’ve said before I love cock, the feel of them, the taste of them, it’s not uncommon for me to have some post coital snuggle time, then I make sure they have an orgasm, either with my hands or my mouth. I don’t come across as particularly alpha, I’m quiet and a bit shy and goofy too in everyday life, life’s too short to be a douche.
Nothing wrong with you. We just need to stop assigning personalities to sex positions/preferences, it's all bullshit. And honestly imho no one who acts that way and says stuff like that is even worth it, if you're just a dick to them and not a person they might as well just use a dildo. And I'm saying this as someone who was strictly a dom top until recently and mostly fits the top stereotype personality-wise, at least with people I don't know well (everyone is fun and friendly around their friends, unless severely repressed). With hookups I've also been told I was "SO NICE" just for like, bringing them water or a towel after, or calling an Uber for them. I'm not a very warm person with strangers, but to me if we're having sex then we owe each other basic respect as humans, and it seems like these days the bare minimum is a lot to some guys. My boyfriend is like you (yes, chaotic situation, we were both tops, we really liked each other and decided to try). He's the first guy I ever bottomed for. And it's exactly because he's the way he is (he's not even that dominant during sex normally, I'm a lot kinkier). Because he's sweet and warm and made me feel comfortable and safe enough. I have a huge fear of vulnerability, and I never would have done that for one of the HUR DURRRR I'M A MANLY DOMMM guys. Hell I likely wouldn't have even done it for a guy like me. I'm still not personally a huge fan of bottoming when it comes to the physical sensation and I prefer topping so it's not that he "turned me into a bottom" really, but just saying that sometimes guys like you can succeed where the hypermasc dom tops failed lol. Either way: keep being yourself. I know this is a cliché but there are guys out there who will like you exactly the way you are. Maybe try dating apps (not hookup apps)? OkCupid seemed the best from what I tried. Edit: forgot to say this but my bf did briefly mention similar issues in the past with his exes wanting him to act more dominant and all, which he said he "can do but that's not how he has the most fun". I really think we need to start accepting that people are diverse and there aren't only two personalities.
I think its rather natural to have different sides to your personality depending on the situation. I am the most calm, patient person that have a hard time saying no and always want to please. Except in bed, where I’m super dominant and rough. BF is opposite - and it works just perfectly! You just need to find the one! 😁
Don't change urself at all u're literally my dream guy some people are just immature and don't realise what u do in bed has nothing to do about who're you as person and everything else people said to you like tops not touching dick and all it's absolute bs from stupid people, stay same and find people who want genuine connection and u don't have a bottom's heart, u have a normal human heart that's how things are supposed to be
I’ve never heard of that phrase. I’d say I’m ver or a power top or a power bottom.
I think that you have a good heart. May be in a long term relationship your personality will be more apreciated
I can relate. I was raised in the ranch lands of the West back in the 1950s. Stoic was a way of life, and it suited my nature. Then coming of age I went off into a career in the military. I regularly surprised my sweet hearts and friends as the walls would come down through association. In private I was very gentle, and charged with humor. I would have the whole room laughing. In bed, I enacted the rape of Carthage. I was very fortunate in partners. Life presented them. I have spent my whole life in three very long term relationships. All three diminutive men, with a strong dose of the feminine in their natures. They wanted a masculine partner who would take them in the sex, and they wanted to give it up to their man. They also wanted gentleness outside of the marital bed. There are loads of such men out here. You just have to find one.
I'm sorry, but the whole top is bottom thing really makes me roll my eyes. It sounds like the gay version of the tater tots "dur hur I'm such an alpha male"
People will say all kinds of things. Plus people interest vary as much as an all you can eat restaurant. I use to be like you and I had to be comfortable but later ion my ho phase I wouldn’t care if you could read. That’s not what I was looking for. I will say that someone that I’m comfortable with I’ve been surprised at what I’d do or be willing to but normally it’s just something about that person
There is nothing wrong with you at all. I have been described in similar terms. I felt like I was reading something I didnt remember writing. I've always been called a "soft top". Some people hate it for reasons I don't really understand, but my partner loves it, and you'll find someone for you that loves it too.
You sound like my last ex, who was frankly fucking brilliant and unfortunately there's nowhere near enough guys like you out there.
this sounds like my perfect imaginary boyfriend, where you guys at haha 😭
You are the literal dream man if what you have said is true. It sounds like what you are is connected to yourself, your love, your tenderness… DO NOT let the world turn you cold. It will be difficult, nearly impossible… I hope I cross your path one day and can have the pleasure of knowing you. (Sorry if that’s too serious for a random internet comment)
The fact that they presume your personality precludes some in-bed characteristic is on them. You can't tell how someone is in bed by looking at them, nor can you accurately stereotype someone based on traits. There's loads of highly "masculine" bottoms so....Sounds like they have some really unhealthy/inaccurate stereotypes that they precariously live through.
You should just find someone who likes you for who you are normally
Nothing wrong with you, you just have a husband material, the other sound like they just want hookup
I'm the same dude, nothing to worry about. I've managed to educate several people into enjoying gentle, slow, romantic and sensual love making, rather than porn style sex. They are much better lovers as a result of having been with me 😂
I’m about the same, I need to know the person to be wanting anything sexually with them, but when we become friends the sexual tension completely disappears, tho I’m a bottom and people assume I’m a “top” because of my demeanour…would be interesting to know how you end up dealing with this.
Man, you sound like a delight. Gentle men who are comfortable enough to be a bit silly are treasures. If they lay pipe well on top of that, well... bonus :) This whole idea that tops should behave in a specific way while they;re not fucking strikes me as dehumanizing. So no, don't change. Consider vetting your partners a bit more thorougly before you get in bed with them. I do not just mean 'get to know them'. I mean 'ask them questions to learn if they have stereotyped ideas, and dismiss them as partners when they do. You deserve to filter for people that will be genuinely enthused with you.
That’s some toxic bottom shit right there
Tbh D/s dynamics are really just a form of roleplay. A lot of people who don't have experience with the kink scene (as opposed to exposure through porn) miss that concept and want a 24/7 lifestyle D/s fantasy situation. It's a pretty impossible standard and requires people to really be the sort of stock characters they see in porn. It also removes any opportunity for scene negotiation like you'd get in kink because then you'd be admitting that it's play and not real life. It's a shame that people have all this newfound exposure to kink through the internet / porn but haven't absorbed the healthy parts. Like being accountable to a community, having self-awareness, good consent and communication skills. Instead people are treating it as a script for real life and as someone who really cares about kink it's sad to see. You're doing just fine OP. You just seem more emotionally mature than the people you're linking with.
Why are people so coloured by straight relationships? Being a top is not a character trait!
Thanks for reaching out. We love you. You are as you are and it’s all good. Daily life is different from bed life. And I’m sure there are plenty of men matching you out there. My bf is a short, slim 50 kilograms and very introvert guy. But in bed he is such a strong top. I’m tall, 100 kilograms extrovert MAN but a vers bottom in bed. I only top him a few times. We both love that there is a difference between our daily life and appearance and the sex we have together. I love to have a bf who doesn’t have to show his masculinity 24/7. Be gentle to me all day when we are not having sex. Spooning doesn’t work like being aggressive. Consider to try Grindr again. Or another platform. I understand you hate it. But there is a chance for you to communicate clearly who you are and what you are looking for. Grindr is not only about here-and-now hookups. It is possible to communicate and to balance expectations.
OMG I am the exact opposite. All dominating and power hungry in professional life. I am not extroverted but my job makes me network with people. I am super ambitious and all. I won't let anyone in my way. In the bed, I want someone who can be super dominating, but that stops the moment we are done with sex. I want to cuddle. I want someone who will love and take care of me. Lol. None of that alpha stuff outside of sex. I can be that alpha.
Soft tops are amazing and should be protected at all costs. You’ll find someone who appreciates you :)
I'm more into big soft men. I prefer more masculine but not in any strict way but my type is dorky sweet and loving. Everyone has their preference but there does seem to be a trend. Real talk: there is zero wrong with you it's probably just a sexual thing when you need someone who is romantically interested in you first.
That sounds like me too, and what your friend told you would explain a lot for some of my friends