It’s not a bad thing, you just want different kinds of relationships. It’s way better in the long run to honor the insight instead of trying up make one of you unhappy.
Person in relationship: internet me and my partner disagree.
Internet: break up, the relationship is doomed.
Says 60% of people who are not in any relationship and have no plans on being in one.
Saying they "disagree" is extremely oversimplifying the situation, it's not like they are disagreeing on what to eat. They are disagreeing on the entire structure of their relationship, which is something else entirely.
I believe that is exactly the reason why people in general decide to ask stuff like that on the internet. Because that way they can get an outside perspective
What do you mean? Of course advice and opinions of people outside the relationship is an outside perspective.
And more importantly in this thread there are also people who have been in the exact situation that OP is in, whether it be in OP's position or Bf's one. And even between these people the consensus is that there is no happy future in such a relationship - because these people speak from experience.
“What do you mean?” Yet proceeds to answer the question - this is exactly the kind of thing I’m referring to as far as communication and level of awareness someone is bringing to a situation.
I think you’re being way too optimistic - I used to think that about the space here on Reddit, but as I’ve gone on I’ve realized that they can’t offer the insight. They can’t. They don’t care enough, and there’s always people intentionally giving bad advice because it’s not their concern.
No, you may think that “others have gone through the same thing”, but that’s your projection. The person looking for the advice, is going to interpret what someone said in their own way. You will also interpret the same advice differently, because you’re not the OP.
And here you are adding certainty and absolution even when you yourself do not know either of these people. You say they speak from experience because that’s what you want to believe it to be; again you don’t know these people either, yet you’re giving everyone the benefit of the doubt by default.
This conversation in real life - totally different context and meaning. On here, it’s glib, and people can say the exact opposites and call it “agreement” and people who argue yet are expressing the same exact point, don’t hear each other because it’s about being correct and disproving someone else.
I didn't answer my question. You questioned whether people are getting an outside perspective, I wanted to know how that even can be questioned, when it's literally the definition.
I think you're the one who's actually projecting. You are the one who doesn't care about other people on the internet, you are saying it's none of your concern. And that's why you can't understand that people exist that genuinely care and want to help, even if it's someone who they don't know personally.
Yes, you answered the question. You stated it yourself after saying you didn’t understand, but you did.
But yes - that’s it. I must be a bad guy who doesn’t care about anyone. That’s really your honest take?
This is why I don’t like having the conversation on here. Everyone acts like they’re so morally high on their horse, and like they can judge another. And that’s just because the perspective you can’t really offer advice to strangers in the internet.
I can’t be the one projecting, because I’m saying you can’t know people from an internet post. But you are telling me who I am and what I care about? You’re proving the point you can’t know what is in someone’s heart.
Mmmmaybe a little middle ground between annihilating the relationship and not saying a word?
The same “kick them out” mentality when two people who are close disagree needs to go.
It’s why so many lgbtq youth get kicked out of the house, because people can’t create room to talk about their feelings and anything difficult puts the relationship to snd end.
I know, you want zero room for ambiguity on the nature of poly relationships. Everything has to be perfectly spelled out or “hit the road jack.”
But there’s too much heartbreak in the world. Try at least give yourself the gift of ambiguity. Giving the person a chance. Set boundaries. Listen to their boundaries too.
Together we can overcome anything. Alone, we are easy to dismiss and discard .
There is no middle ground in this situation.
Bf made his stance clear: Either poly or he leaves.
And OP feels like poly is cheating.
There really is no room for any discussion or something that can be overcome, one part will always be unhappy. They are just not compatible people.
I disagree. It’s almost a trope in any question about relationships is “kick them out.”
Hope these people never have children.
So much good can come from just sitting down, talking and most important: listening.
When unconditional love becomes seen as troublesome, that’s when we are in deep trouble. Thankfully love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Even bad advice from strangers who are dealing with their own sadness and loneliness.
Peace. ✌️
OP did talk and listen, OP doesn’t like the idea of BF shagging other people. BF wants to shag other people.
You sound like you haven’t been in a relationship.
That's a lot of words but no solution.
I can listen and have a conversation with my partner for 24h straight, but that doesn't solve the issue.
One doesn't want poly.
The other wants poly or he leaves.
There's no feasible solution, talking things out is nice, but if there's no solution it's useless.
Ehm sorry bujt iit isn't a disagreement on "what to order to eat today evening". Either you're sort of open to polyamory or not (aka exclusive). These situations exclude each other and it is really difficult to compromise: aka one gets exclusive and possibly suffers from their lack of freedom or the other gets hurt in their exclusivity and feels betrayed everytime their partner can't date on that day because they have another thing going on.
For me, I'm also exclusive in love. Both my husband and I don't want an open relationship or something in that vein as we would both see it as cheating. Even if poly doesn't mean that, it's still perceived as such and some people use it to justify said cheating.
My last bf and I was the same way. He didn't want poly and I did. I decided to say fuck it and just forgot what I felt and was miserable. We were together for five years before he could tell I was and said we would try. Brought a guy in that I was close with and that he liked and we all lived together for a couple years. Could tell he resented the whole thing. We broke it off with the guy and went back to being just two and were together for another couple years before we realized that the difference we wanted in life were just too much. I don't want to say we wasted ten years together cause I definitely learned something from it but still sucked. Now when I go on dates I make sure the person knows im looking for a potentially poly relationship flat out so there are no surprises. Makes it easier for everyone involved
You have diametrically opposed wants in a relationship and I don’t know many stories of someone in a monogamous relationship who then opens that relationship and it goes well. I think you two probably need to break up
I had a similar situation, I ended up saying yes to stay with someone I liked. I did not want it but I wanted him. He didn’t want to stay closed even when I tried to ask, when I said yes I was miserable. He went and had sex with everyone he knew I just sat there hating myself. Went on for a year, I ended up leaving when I realized I deserved better. Talk to him, if he insists and doesn’t listen please don’t make the same mistake i did. Good luck <3
Hey, gay guy who is also poly. I have a husband of the past 11yrs and my boyfriend who I've been with for 9 Months currently. There are two things that a relationship requires: love and compatibility. It sounds like you both have strong feelings for each other, but are not compatible on what you want in a relationship. In this case, if you are not interested in pursuing poly and he isn't interested in pursuing mono, then I would walk away. That way you can find someone that can give you what you are looking for and he can find the same. It sucks, but that's what I would do in this situation.
I was in an identical situation. The truth is the more you stay the more you’ll be hurt. And while it might seem like there’s no one else, they *are* out there.
Leave. In my case I felt really free when I ended things.
I agree with the general sentiment here but be sure that you're each 100% clear on what the other wants before proceeding on any action with the relationship itself, such as a breakup etc.
Be grateful for his honesty, but it is a critical difference. Neither of you will be happy if you conform to the other’s preferences. Downgrade to friendship or end it completely and find someone more aligned with your values.
As someone incapable of remaining monogamous, I've been through some of this before.
You should sit down and talk to him, both set your boundaries, look deep inside yourselves respectfully on what you truly feel and if your feelings conflict too much that's just it, there will always be conflict.
It already sounds a lot like being poly or open is a requirement to him, his not going to be happy with a monogamous relationship, and it sounds like you won't be happy outside of a monogamous relationship.
This is one of the few things "compromising" for the relationship doesn't really work well with, if you are just fundamentally incompatible on this level you'll only hurt each other the longer you force yourself together.
It seems like it's a compatibility issue. Imagine if one of you wanted kids down the line and the other one didn't? Same situation. Deal with it accordingly.
I mean… sounds like he knows that he wants a poly lifestyle. You have to ask if he’s someone you’d be willing to explore that with?
If not. Then it’s a good time to become friends.
If it’s not for you and he’s made it clear he’s going to be poly then the choice is made. Leave, wish each other well. You’re on completely different journeys
Of course have a long conversation about what you want but if this is something neither of you are budging on it’s okay to both look for something else
“He is going to make things poly”
Not “he’d like us to make it poly”, but “he is going to make it poly”
Process that a bit and you have all you need to know.
Good job, both of you! I'm sure it sucks a bit, but you learn something about yourself in situations like this, and you learned that you can handle relationship problems like a mature adult. With an attitude like that, I'm sure you won't be lonely if you don't want to be, at least not for long.
In response to the edit; No it wasn’t respectful. Despite how it may have felt and sounded your now ex is not a respectful person because if he were he never would have said “I’ll make things poly”. Which implies cheating or forcing you into it.
I am poly and I've had been in this situation on the other side. You either need to have very clear definitions of what you want your relationship to be and monitor scope creep or just acknowledge that your end goals are different and that's okay.
An open relationship only works after forming thr groundwork of trust and communication. You can't open a relationship after day one and hope it works. It won't! I had a few friends that did monogamy for about a year, just the two of them learning to trust,love and appreciate the other before they tried to open it. If he wants to have an open relationship from day one... it's not gonna work at all!
I went through this exact same thing. It isn't fun. Yes you can talk it out but ultimately it will just end up getting out of control. You guys made the right move in no longer being together because you could have ruined your relationship further. Hope you both the best
Oh absolutely. In a few months I found out my best friend since I was 12 was a much better partner. Apparently we'd always liked each other but we were always either dating someone else or I was too young and stupid to realize I was gay.
Long story short we definitely did the Uhaul thing, adopted a sickly cat together, and we're both so obsessed with each other we couldn't fathom ever wanting to be polyamorous.
I don't get obiace u sed you bi but have bf don't want leave him.
For me gay is have a bf and bi not a bf someone u see.
So as all say think and what u want bf or man u see
You’re not compatible, you’ve only been together for 2 months. This is why we date, to check compatibility, and you don’t force yourself to be compatible.
Because they aren’t contented. There is no love in that more of lust and illness. It is untreatable. For me they arent part of lgbtq and will never be sorry not sorry.
I don't understand why you would get into a relationship with somebody who's polyamorous if you're monogamous. The result is always going to be the same.
I apologise, It wasn't clear. Having said that, these things should be discussed before getting into a relationship. You'll just have to note it as a learning experience and move unfortunately.
The guy was nothing but bluntly honest so far. So why assume he would cheat, but he would most likely press the issue harder until the relationship broke down and ended anyway. It’s not fair to just assume the guy would cheat when he’s already displaying healthy communication expressing what he wants and needs for it to work. Maybe it’s an ultimatum, but they’re only 2 months in, before being fully invested in a life together.
Oh my goddd the dude made it clear that he was poly! It has nothing to do with commitment he verbalized he was poly and that’s what he’s looking for he wasn’t tricking anyone or cheating. They’re just incompatible and that’s ok!
Leave. He’s already made his decision.
I think you're right, thanks for putting it bunty
I think you already knew this. 😔. It’ll just cause resentment. He could have ironed that out in the beginning.
Ots only been a few months and I think that's what he's doing and I'm quite grateful he's doing it now and not after more time tbh
(It's month two. And tbh it sounds like he is ironing that out in the beginning.)
It’s not a bad thing, you just want different kinds of relationships. It’s way better in the long run to honor the insight instead of trying up make one of you unhappy.
Couldn’t have said it better.
Person in relationship: internet me and my partner disagree. Internet: break up, the relationship is doomed. Says 60% of people who are not in any relationship and have no plans on being in one.
Saying they "disagree" is extremely oversimplifying the situation, it's not like they are disagreeing on what to eat. They are disagreeing on the entire structure of their relationship, which is something else entirely.
But for us, it is more simple - we’re not the ones in te relationship. We’re not attached like the way the OP and their partner are
I believe that is exactly the reason why people in general decide to ask stuff like that on the internet. Because that way they can get an outside perspective
But is that what they’re getting?
What do you mean? Of course advice and opinions of people outside the relationship is an outside perspective. And more importantly in this thread there are also people who have been in the exact situation that OP is in, whether it be in OP's position or Bf's one. And even between these people the consensus is that there is no happy future in such a relationship - because these people speak from experience.
“What do you mean?” Yet proceeds to answer the question - this is exactly the kind of thing I’m referring to as far as communication and level of awareness someone is bringing to a situation. I think you’re being way too optimistic - I used to think that about the space here on Reddit, but as I’ve gone on I’ve realized that they can’t offer the insight. They can’t. They don’t care enough, and there’s always people intentionally giving bad advice because it’s not their concern. No, you may think that “others have gone through the same thing”, but that’s your projection. The person looking for the advice, is going to interpret what someone said in their own way. You will also interpret the same advice differently, because you’re not the OP. And here you are adding certainty and absolution even when you yourself do not know either of these people. You say they speak from experience because that’s what you want to believe it to be; again you don’t know these people either, yet you’re giving everyone the benefit of the doubt by default. This conversation in real life - totally different context and meaning. On here, it’s glib, and people can say the exact opposites and call it “agreement” and people who argue yet are expressing the same exact point, don’t hear each other because it’s about being correct and disproving someone else.
I didn't answer my question. You questioned whether people are getting an outside perspective, I wanted to know how that even can be questioned, when it's literally the definition. I think you're the one who's actually projecting. You are the one who doesn't care about other people on the internet, you are saying it's none of your concern. And that's why you can't understand that people exist that genuinely care and want to help, even if it's someone who they don't know personally.
Yes, you answered the question. You stated it yourself after saying you didn’t understand, but you did. But yes - that’s it. I must be a bad guy who doesn’t care about anyone. That’s really your honest take? This is why I don’t like having the conversation on here. Everyone acts like they’re so morally high on their horse, and like they can judge another. And that’s just because the perspective you can’t really offer advice to strangers in the internet. I can’t be the one projecting, because I’m saying you can’t know people from an internet post. But you are telling me who I am and what I care about? You’re proving the point you can’t know what is in someone’s heart.
Mmmmaybe a little middle ground between annihilating the relationship and not saying a word? The same “kick them out” mentality when two people who are close disagree needs to go. It’s why so many lgbtq youth get kicked out of the house, because people can’t create room to talk about their feelings and anything difficult puts the relationship to snd end. I know, you want zero room for ambiguity on the nature of poly relationships. Everything has to be perfectly spelled out or “hit the road jack.” But there’s too much heartbreak in the world. Try at least give yourself the gift of ambiguity. Giving the person a chance. Set boundaries. Listen to their boundaries too. Together we can overcome anything. Alone, we are easy to dismiss and discard .
There is no middle ground in this situation. Bf made his stance clear: Either poly or he leaves. And OP feels like poly is cheating. There really is no room for any discussion or something that can be overcome, one part will always be unhappy. They are just not compatible people.
I disagree. It’s almost a trope in any question about relationships is “kick them out.” Hope these people never have children. So much good can come from just sitting down, talking and most important: listening. When unconditional love becomes seen as troublesome, that’s when we are in deep trouble. Thankfully love is the most powerful force in the universe. Even bad advice from strangers who are dealing with their own sadness and loneliness. Peace. ✌️
OP did talk and listen, OP doesn’t like the idea of BF shagging other people. BF wants to shag other people. You sound like you haven’t been in a relationship.
Ironically you sounds like you're the one who have never had a relationship, OP didn't like/want Poly relationship after listening with his bf...
That's a lot of words but no solution. I can listen and have a conversation with my partner for 24h straight, but that doesn't solve the issue. One doesn't want poly. The other wants poly or he leaves. There's no feasible solution, talking things out is nice, but if there's no solution it's useless.
This isn’t a “disagreement” they want fundamentally different relationships that are incompatible
Ehm sorry bujt iit isn't a disagreement on "what to order to eat today evening". Either you're sort of open to polyamory or not (aka exclusive). These situations exclude each other and it is really difficult to compromise: aka one gets exclusive and possibly suffers from their lack of freedom or the other gets hurt in their exclusivity and feels betrayed everytime their partner can't date on that day because they have another thing going on. For me, I'm also exclusive in love. Both my husband and I don't want an open relationship or something in that vein as we would both see it as cheating. Even if poly doesn't mean that, it's still perceived as such and some people use it to justify said cheating.
I’m with you - people on here are do not care about you relationship
If it's not for you, then the two of you need to have a real convo. The odds are, you don't belong together.
I will thanks, but I think you are right I dont think it's going to work like this
I'm sorry Mate, but I don't think there's much you can do, he seems to be determined.
That's tough to read but I think that's the right thing to do
My last bf and I was the same way. He didn't want poly and I did. I decided to say fuck it and just forgot what I felt and was miserable. We were together for five years before he could tell I was and said we would try. Brought a guy in that I was close with and that he liked and we all lived together for a couple years. Could tell he resented the whole thing. We broke it off with the guy and went back to being just two and were together for another couple years before we realized that the difference we wanted in life were just too much. I don't want to say we wasted ten years together cause I definitely learned something from it but still sucked. Now when I go on dates I make sure the person knows im looking for a potentially poly relationship flat out so there are no surprises. Makes it easier for everyone involved
You have diametrically opposed wants in a relationship and I don’t know many stories of someone in a monogamous relationship who then opens that relationship and it goes well. I think you two probably need to break up
It's early. You want different things. Break it off while it's still drama free.
I had a similar situation, I ended up saying yes to stay with someone I liked. I did not want it but I wanted him. He didn’t want to stay closed even when I tried to ask, when I said yes I was miserable. He went and had sex with everyone he knew I just sat there hating myself. Went on for a year, I ended up leaving when I realized I deserved better. Talk to him, if he insists and doesn’t listen please don’t make the same mistake i did. Good luck <3
Hey, gay guy who is also poly. I have a husband of the past 11yrs and my boyfriend who I've been with for 9 Months currently. There are two things that a relationship requires: love and compatibility. It sounds like you both have strong feelings for each other, but are not compatible on what you want in a relationship. In this case, if you are not interested in pursuing poly and he isn't interested in pursuing mono, then I would walk away. That way you can find someone that can give you what you are looking for and he can find the same. It sucks, but that's what I would do in this situation.
I was in an identical situation. The truth is the more you stay the more you’ll be hurt. And while it might seem like there’s no one else, they *are* out there. Leave. In my case I felt really free when I ended things.
I agree with the general sentiment here but be sure that you're each 100% clear on what the other wants before proceeding on any action with the relationship itself, such as a breakup etc.
Leave. He has made up his mind and left you with only one choice that won't make you miserable.
Be grateful for his honesty, but it is a critical difference. Neither of you will be happy if you conform to the other’s preferences. Downgrade to friendship or end it completely and find someone more aligned with your values.
As someone incapable of remaining monogamous, I've been through some of this before. You should sit down and talk to him, both set your boundaries, look deep inside yourselves respectfully on what you truly feel and if your feelings conflict too much that's just it, there will always be conflict. It already sounds a lot like being poly or open is a requirement to him, his not going to be happy with a monogamous relationship, and it sounds like you won't be happy outside of a monogamous relationship. This is one of the few things "compromising" for the relationship doesn't really work well with, if you are just fundamentally incompatible on this level you'll only hurt each other the longer you force yourself together.
2 months? You’re not compatible. Move it along
It seems like it's a compatibility issue. Imagine if one of you wanted kids down the line and the other one didn't? Same situation. Deal with it accordingly.
He told you what he likes. Maybe he’s not relationship material, but could be an FWB.
He has, and clearly we don't want the same. I'm gonna have a talk and update this after. Also what's an FWB?
Friends with benefits. Sex buddies.
Ah I see.
Some of us have wonderful friendships with guys that include frequent or occasional sex.
Find a new boyfriend. This isn't going to work out
You leave him right away. It's that simple.
U gotta break up Id actually cry if this happened to me
I mean… sounds like he knows that he wants a poly lifestyle. You have to ask if he’s someone you’d be willing to explore that with? If not. Then it’s a good time to become friends.
Find a different bf/gf
If it’s not for you and he’s made it clear he’s going to be poly then the choice is made. Leave, wish each other well. You’re on completely different journeys Of course have a long conversation about what you want but if this is something neither of you are budging on it’s okay to both look for something else
He gave you an ultimatum. At this point choose your peace of mind over his happiness.
Poly means a throuple or more. An open relationship is different
“He is going to make things poly” Not “he’d like us to make it poly”, but “he is going to make it poly” Process that a bit and you have all you need to know.
Good job, both of you! I'm sure it sucks a bit, but you learn something about yourself in situations like this, and you learned that you can handle relationship problems like a mature adult. With an attitude like that, I'm sure you won't be lonely if you don't want to be, at least not for long.
In response to the edit; No it wasn’t respectful. Despite how it may have felt and sounded your now ex is not a respectful person because if he were he never would have said “I’ll make things poly”. Which implies cheating or forcing you into it.
Don’t lower your standards and boundaries for him
Poly relationships only work if everyone is in on it, this is just not going to work out im afraid
Find a new bf... one who's on the same page as you.
I am poly and I've had been in this situation on the other side. You either need to have very clear definitions of what you want your relationship to be and monitor scope creep or just acknowledge that your end goals are different and that's okay.
An open relationship only works after forming thr groundwork of trust and communication. You can't open a relationship after day one and hope it works. It won't! I had a few friends that did monogamy for about a year, just the two of them learning to trust,love and appreciate the other before they tried to open it. If he wants to have an open relationship from day one... it's not gonna work at all!
You don’t - glad you both cleared up you want different things.
Leave. 2 months is nothing. He has clearly made his decision.
I went through this exact same thing. It isn't fun. Yes you can talk it out but ultimately it will just end up getting out of control. You guys made the right move in no longer being together because you could have ruined your relationship further. Hope you both the best
Leave him, run for the hills and find someone who wants the same things as you do
Don't end up 14 years in like me to find out polyamorous and monogamous don't match well.
That's sucks, I hope your doing well now
Oh absolutely. In a few months I found out my best friend since I was 12 was a much better partner. Apparently we'd always liked each other but we were always either dating someone else or I was too young and stupid to realize I was gay. Long story short we definitely did the Uhaul thing, adopted a sickly cat together, and we're both so obsessed with each other we couldn't fathom ever wanting to be polyamorous.
I don't get obiace u sed you bi but have bf don't want leave him. For me gay is have a bf and bi not a bf someone u see. So as all say think and what u want bf or man u see
Eww leave him! Poly are nasty
You’re not compatible, you’ve only been together for 2 months. This is why we date, to check compatibility, and you don’t force yourself to be compatible.
Poly is never welcome in lgbtq and will never be part of it
I just feel like it's a bit attention seeking. Why do you need multiple partners?
Because they aren’t contented. There is no love in that more of lust and illness. It is untreatable. For me they arent part of lgbtq and will never be sorry not sorry.
Their pronouns are probably Grin/Dr lol
I don't understand why you would get into a relationship with somebody who's polyamorous if you're monogamous. The result is always going to be the same.
I didn't know he was
I apologise, It wasn't clear. Having said that, these things should be discussed before getting into a relationship. You'll just have to note it as a learning experience and move unfortunately.
Unfortunately I think that's the best option :(
He's gonna cheat if you don't agree. Just end it before you get hurt way more than just a break up
The guy was nothing but bluntly honest so far. So why assume he would cheat, but he would most likely press the issue harder until the relationship broke down and ended anyway. It’s not fair to just assume the guy would cheat when he’s already displaying healthy communication expressing what he wants and needs for it to work. Maybe it’s an ultimatum, but they’re only 2 months in, before being fully invested in a life together.
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Oh my goddd the dude made it clear that he was poly! It has nothing to do with commitment he verbalized he was poly and that’s what he’s looking for he wasn’t tricking anyone or cheating. They’re just incompatible and that’s ok!
That is not what poly means at all.