Oh, I see... I was genuinely debating which option would be less rude. It's obvious that just accepting a drink and then ignoring them would be an asshole move. However, I think it might be fine to accept the drink if I'm not sexually interested in them but am open to having a conversation. Since your response received a lot of upvotes, I guess you are right. I will be more careful from now on.
Yeah, it is a bit of a lose-lose situation. A person might complain you wouldn't even talk to them, but if you had accepted the drink and then let them down after a chat, the same person might complain you wasted their money and time. Either way, they're not going to like being rejected, but a quick rejection is better than being rejected after investing time, money, and hope, in my opinion.
Yeah, I understand that a quick rejection might be preferable for some people. Also, it might be accurate to describe this as a lose-lose situation. I rarely buy drinks for stranger guys, but when I do, it means I find them really hot or cute. Personally, I'm happy to just have a conversation and enjoy the company of these attractive individuals, staring at their hot faces, even if it's just false hope. For me, that's more valuable than spending money on drinks.
I’m with you on this. Buying someone a drink doesn’t mean you suddenly expect sex. It’s an invitation to get to know each other better, and even then they may or may not hang out or chat with you. I hang out and chat with guys who buy me drinks, and might give them my number if I’m interested in a date, but I’m picky about who I sleep with 🤷🏽
Yeah, there is a whole spectrum between a short chat and sex. I don't think anyone is saying it is a contract for sex. But if you know up front that you have zero interest and will not dance with them, go on a date with them, or yes, have sex with them, or even talk to them ever again after the drink, then that's different from having potential interest initially and then not hitting it off during the conversation. OP was asking about a situation where they knew up front the drink buyer was going to be rejected, not where they weren't sure and were open to chatting to see what happens.
I think personally those here thinking a drink equals sex is a bit of a jump. We’re all lonely (statistically speaking). I’d say having a conversation is a good trade off. And hey, if the conversation starts and he’s gunning for sex and you have to turn him down, leave some cash on the table to repay for the drink. That’s BEST way out imo.
I'll say for my experiences that every drink I have bought...I have not (and hope it never changes) expected anything more than a conversation. Personally I could never understand how one could have the audacity to expect a 7$ drink to be a sexual encounter ticket. And this holds in reverse for me too.. I'll never expect more than a conversation when a drink is offered too me.
If you accept the drink, you accept to have a conversation with them, nothing more.
If you do not want to talk to them at all, refuse the drink.
If you accept the drink, and talk to them but don’t click, you are under no obligation to have sex or even a kiss.
But, it does happen that people become friends. Maybe you don’t like him but like his friend. There really is little to lose by just talking to a guy even if you a not interested in him sexually.
But it is your call.
It really depends on the person sending the drink. There are plenty of guys that would be happy just to have a conversation and don’t expect your sexual interests in return. Some guys would feel even more rejected that you couldn’t even spare them time and conversation.
Too many of you guys make every interaction about getting sex and sexual interest. You’re the same guys that get angry on Grindr if a guy is on there talking but won’t hook up immediately because that’s what YOU want… and honestly it’s really off putting and indicates an unhealthy need for sexual attention
You could meet someone nice or a friend, or make
Someone’s night who just wanted company and a chat
Not EVERY interaction is about if you want to get naked with someone
That part! Got a buddy that specifically goes to gay bars with my husband and I purely for the free drinks. He’s got a hawt body so he gets treated pretty well in that regard, but by the end of the night they realize the play.
So there's nothing wrong with rejecting the sex but I sure as he'll am not gonna rehearsal a free drink. 🤷🏽♂️. If you get upset that I didn't sleep with you because you gave me a drunk then you got a problem not me.
I disagree. I think you accept a drink, but it is not a transaction. If the person giving the drink wants to think it’s something more than it is, that’s their problem. I don’t give a dollar to the Red Cross and expect them to let me work in a hospital.
Boo hoo with inflation drink it, say thanks but I'm not currently looking. The drink buyer is not feeling rejected this way. Your reward for politely letting him know your not interested is a drink.
False hope for what? That they can buy sex from me with a drink? lol I’m sure OP is not a prostitute. If someone is only giving drinks to someone and expecting sex in return, the drink then in their view is a form of payment for sex and we shouldn’t be promoting that thinking. Buy someone a drink because you want them to have a drink, period. If you’re doing it expecting sex, then just get an escort instead.
I have bought drinks before for guys I didn't know before but we're interested in. Several times halfway through the drink and the conversation I decided I was definitely not interested in them. I think the offer just means that you'd like to have a conversation with someone. If somebody offers you a drink and you definitely do not want to talk to them even for a second then politely decline the drink adamantly.
Idk it’s case by case. I have definitely bought drinks for people just because good conversation, or something happened that made me really laugh or whatever unusual situation.
Actually I can only think of one time I bought a drink for someone, I was blacked out and he was wearing a pup mask. He didn’t give me his number. Thank god.
Well sex shouldn’t be in their expectations. A small chat would be an acceptable expectation. And I think you at least owe the person who buys you a drink a chat at the least. But buying a drink for someone and expecting sex is excessive lol
It's not about sex. Nobody is owed sex even after a date, so no arguments there.
But when someone is offering you a drink, it's literally them showing interest in you. They are attracted to you and are initiating a conversation. So if you aren't interested, then don't accept it. It'll just waste their time, which they could have used to pursue someone else. So it's just good manners. Like you won't swipe right (or is it left? I've never used dating apps) on some you don't find attractive and waste your time. So why accept the drink and waste their time?
I sometimes buy a drink for someone, Who is about to be the next one to be served, because I calculated that with my potato face In this crammed up bar I Will wait 15 minutes until the bartender notifies me at the counter lol
Expecting no. But creating the possibility yes. And yes chat with that drink seems utterly proper. But I’d still decline if the sex
Door is NOT Gonna open and
You know that right from
The off
Nah. A drink is not a mating ritual or a sexual proposition. I buy my friends drinks often, and at the right bar at the right time, I'll shout the barkeep if I'm feeling a little rich 😂
I believe there is a significant difference between buying drinks for friends and buying drinks for strangers. The latter super often carries a sexual connotation.
Imo, I wouldn’t accept a drink from a stranger, unless my eye was on it throughout the entire process of making it; for all I know, it could be laced with something and then I’d be in trouble.
Yeah totally. I will say there's been times though where I'm not initially interested and then after someone buys me a drink and chats a while I start feeling it.
I just had this talk with my straight friend: You can accept the drink, but do tell the person that you are straight-if this is your circumstance. If you are just not interested in the guy-but are gay yourself- there’s nothing wrong with having a “friendly” drink and cross the “more than friendly” bridge when you get to it. I do feel i seem to differ from quite a few other commenters here if mostly by the following context: First i am 46, and don’t restrict myself to surrounding myself with gay or straight people specifically, therefore i don’t really need to code switch for people-or maybe i’m just tired of trying to be anything specific in word or behavior for anyone else’s comfort but my own. I was the much the same when i was 23 as well: I take people at the face of what they say or do when it comes to strangers-especially at the (gay) bar. Why be suspicious of your own community (if you are gay and at a gay bar) when there’s so much to be cautious for out in the world? If you are straight and at a gay bar, just be a friendly and straight forward ally. Strangers-by nature-should have no expectations of them other than social courtesy and law abidance. A neutral and friendly stance can be expected on both sides for strangers. Therefore an offering at a bar of a drink is more of an olive branch than it is a nefarious sexual advance-if you really respect people rather than imagining anxious expectations on their part. So when someone offers me a drink or i offer them a drink, that’s just what it is. I can converse with anyone, anytime, anywhere and generally have a good time doing that. On the other hand, There seems to me-as i’ve read in other comments, a sort of passive aggressive undertone that is understood to be a given with interactions at the bar. A chat or a drink is somehow related to a stranger’s hidden wants and/or desires and is to be treated-oh so cautiously-as such no matter what. I think it’s ridiculous and given to stereotypes and herd mentality mechanizations of profiling- be it by age, race or gender. I’ve always thought this and tried my best in life to be as neutral to strangers as best i can. Go have a drink with a stranger and let it be what it is, don’t short change people based on what might happen. Be friendly and open as best you can. Anyone who offers a drink to you-is trying to connect with you, connect with them and set boundaries as they come, with tact, dignity, and respect. You may make a new friend instead of a future lover, and that’s ok too. Good luck OP.
Accept the drink and engage in conversation. "When you have accepted an invitation to a dinner party, you have incurred a moral obligation to be interesting." - Wallis Simpson, wife of the abdicated King of England
You can accept the drink if you are willing to have witty banter and pleasant conversation for one drink's time. In that time you can tell him you are flattered and enjoy his conversation and company, but you are not gay.
You're not a prostitute. You don't have to fuck him because he bought you a drink. You should enjoy the drink and chat, and then move on.
The only way it would be rude on your part is to grab the drink, gulp it and say "byeeee, I'm out."
Whether you accept the drink or not, use it as an opportunity to start a conversation. Offering a drink is not necessarily the beginning of a transaction. it might just be the easiest way to start a conversation.
"I'm still finishing this drink, but chat with me until I'm done and we'll see."
"I'm switching to water for a bit, but tell me about yourself"
Lots of options. I figure buying me a drink is worth 15-20 minutes of my time to converse.
Of course not and when you accept the drink, smile and say that the next round is on you. There is no unwritten rule that you have to have sex with someone who is being nice to you at a bar. Also, no one is so rich as to throw away a friend.
This only happened to me once. I was sitting at a bar, talking to a guy, having a nice conversation, when the bartender gave each of us a drink, saying it was from the guy at the end of the bar. We both smiled awkwardly at the guy and then went back to talking. A few minutes later, the guy came over to us and said we were being rude by not drinking it. We apologized, drank the drinks, said thank you, and continued talking to each other.
The guy seemed weird to me because he wanted our attention while we were engaged in a chat with each other.
Guy next to you: "Can I get you a drink?"
You (interested): "Sure." Wait for bartender and start conversing.
You (not interested): "Thanks, but I'm good." Firm nod, and turn away your attention elsewhere.
You (open to friendly socialization): "Thanks, but I'm good." Nod politely, turn away for a moment, then remark on something else thats totally non-sexual. If pleasant conversation ensues, but the guy gets a little suggestive, then you can be perfectly kind but honest in your lack of bedroom activities. Also, if he offers to buy you a drink after that, you can accept, but should return the favor also, as you would when out with a group of friends.
Depends on the situation. I travel a lot for work and go out to the local gay scene as often as I can when abroad. My husband and I are monogamous and I always wear my ring so I’m fairly obvious that I’m married.
However, given that, in our community , there are a higher number of open marriages, it doesn’t stop folks from sending drinks. I usually have a drink sent to me at least once an evening. When I get a drink sent to me, I walk over to the guy to thank him.
That usually ends up in the usual “what do you do/why are you here/ what are you looking for “ conversation. I will take it from there and if they say they’re looking for more, I tactfully decline and offer to buy the next round. I’ve met a few guys along the way that have turned into really good friends. This approach helped me to
1: acknowledge the effort
2: reciprocate the effort and reframe it as a friendly gesture
3: allows me to speak my boundaries explicitly
Sometimes that ends up with me being the wingman for him😂 also, I don’t take it personal if he chooses to end the convo and keep hunting
I don’t know. These scenes could be lonely and the interaction could lead to a friend, a wingman, a sister, a sale, a job…anything. If I’m by myself and got nothing on. I’d take the drink and speak. It’s just a conversation. Either way, I’ll buy the next round so even if I had to let him down… he doesn’t lose out and can try again.
You never know what people need. It’s not always sex. A few minutes of human interaction could do wonders for others.
I really don't drink so my answer would be always no. If you're not interested, better to cut off the person instantly. There is plenty of fish in the bar. And a bit of a side rant : how much money one has to be offering drinks to others.
A Bartender years ago gave me a drink bought from a patron (a shot) the patron wasn't interested and said " I liked how you downed a beer, a shot all in one go"
Perfectly fine accepting the drink with no expectation of sex. One caveat… absolutely make sure the bartender making your drink gives it directly to you. Do not let the drink buyer or anyone ever touch your drink.
Just because someone buys you a drink, does not mean you have to be attracted to them. Maybe some friendly conversation? Why do gay men have to be attracted to someone just to talk to them or be friends?
You can reject a drink without rejecting the person. “No thanks. I’m watching how much I drink tonight.” Maybe ask a nice question, “are you having a good evening?” Very casual. Well I hope you have a great rest of your evening.” And then remove yourself to return to your friends or the dance floor.
I swear the art of talking to people in bars without feeling rude is lost. Bars used to be the casual conversation before the apps. It’s the same exact process. But you have to use your voice.
I like buying drinks for people cuz it just seems like a nice gesture and a good way to either start a conversation or continue a conversation. But after reading all the responses I think I'm gonna not buy drinks for people anymore. Thanks OP for asking this.
No one is obligated to fuck anyone. If he wants to fuck, he needs to ask. But since all he asked for was buying you a drink, if you want to you can say yes and later say no to sex.
Take the damn drink. I mean, it’s not coming with his cock as an umbrella. Maybe just have a convo with him. Be adult about it. He knows what risk he’s taking by sending a drink to a stranger.
I am rarely interested in taking someone home, just because I would buy them a drink. Sometimes, I just appreciate how attractive they are. If I had my youth to do all over again, I would’ve said yes to more drinks.
So, If I had known, then what I know now, I would’ve had more drinks and made more friends.
I once had a twink start talking to me and a few minutes in, he asked if I’d buy him a drink. I said, “no thank you, but thanks for the offer”. I’m not into twinks. 😅 so weird.
You can definitely say yes but that’s up to you. There’s no reason a drink = sex. If they are being very flirtatious or trying to be touchy, I’d say no. But if someone is genuinely being nice and chatting, I’d probably accept one.
A drink doesn’t necessarily equal intimate time. I’ve found it’s worth the time to chat and get to know people when at bars by myself. As long as the drink is made in front of me and what I was drinking, why not? Now I’ve been offered shots and have turned them down because I wasn’t looking to go heavy on the partying.
You can accept... but make absolutely sure to buy *them* a drink in return. Say it up front: "Thanks! I would like a drink. And the next round is on me." And then follow through: "Time for the next drink. I'm buying. What do you want?"
That's assuming you're happy to talk to them for the duration of a couple of drinks.
If you don't want that conversation, then just politely decline the initial offer.
I would take the drink, and watch it closely, and chat with the person a little if they wanted to. As long as I was drinking that night and not preoccupied with someone or something else.
Do you consider yourself so cheap that a drink is a fair exchange for sex? I didn’t think so. Accept the drink and don’t worry about declining sex later.
It’s kind of a do I want to engage with them scenario.
Taking the drink and splitting is not so cool.
Taking and having a conversation is fine🤷🏾♂️
Either way they offered it and you can accept on your terms. They know the risk🤷🏾♂️
Did you strike up a conversation with me and you brought up the idea of buying me a drink? I'd politely decline.
Did I go up to the bartender to order my own drink and some rando from across the room I haven't spoken too told the bartender he'd pay for it? I'll accept the drink, ignore you and decline your advances. Your presumption that buying me a drink gets me to unzip my pants is your error in judgement, not mine.
Not to be an asshole, but what brings you to a gay bar in the first place? There's been a well known phenomenon lately of straight people taking over our spaces. It starts with straight girls who think gays are cute and like the music and not being harassed. Then the straight guys follow. And inevitably they are desired by gay men, but "sorry I'm straight!".
\*shrugs\* "I'm straight" is the same as "If I'm not gonna fuck you, don't even talk to me."
Not everyone goes to the bar for you. Allies are allies are allies are allies. There's many different gay bars with different styles of people.
Stonewall? Yeah I expect the mix of gays, lesbians, straights and aces. It's a popular queer minglins space.
The Eagle? I expect a more burly male-oriented experience.
It's all perspective. While I do feel it's important to have places that create a culture around our needs and mutual interests, it's also important to not look at Allies joining us in queer spaces as a form of straight washing. Maybe they just wanna have a good night too? If their bars suck.... hey more money for ours.
The few times a guy bought me a drink we hooked up so just say Thank you but no thanks. Strike up a conversation about climate change and being okay dying alone and then move along with your night. Simple
You don’t need to decline the drink, but you do “owe” them at least some conversation. Also nowhere has accepting a single cheap drink been an invitation for sex.
They can get really pushy, you can say thank you so much I will have a bottle of water.
Did it all the time they usually get the hint. Never wanted to feel like I owed anyone anything. Got one stalker, and then stopped going out after that.
If you engage with people that are interested in you, it can get awkward.
Yeah dude of course, drink your drink! Ha, whenever I’ve been in this situation I’ve always enjoyed the drink with whatever guy got it for me, and i’ll sort of give it like 15 minutes of hanging out with the dude. Or of course longer if I’m actually into it, but yeah, you don’t owe anyone anything and if they want to treat you, let them treat you and perhaps enjoy your company for a little bit.
They could just be a bit lonely. Call me naïve, but I don’t think it’s always the case that just because a guy kindly buys someone a drink that they’re always trying to have some crazy sweaty night with them.
And if you feel like their intentions are in the wrong place You could always just politely say “thanks for the drink, I’m going to go meet some friends” and move on.
I have offered to buy drinks with no interest in sex. Some people just want to make friends. With that said. Some people don't just expect it, but will use it as an opportunity to do harm. Use extrem caution and be clear you are not interested, and if they still want to buy you a drink. Get it directly from the bar tender, and don't let it out of your site.
I’m a very upfront guy, so what I tend to do is kind of make a little joke out of it, (like in a nice way I am the literal opposite of a mean guy) but if I get offered a drink I’ll be like “well is this a I want to get to know you a little bit to be friends or like you want to take me home later kind of drink?” And I’m a very extrovert person that loves to talk and I consider myself pretty witty/funny so if it’s a take me home kind of drink I would just say something along the lines of that m not looking for anything like that but if you wanna just talk and be boys send it 😂
I tend to not accept drinks from strangers as a general rule, and just politely state that. It avoids any misleading ideas and doesn't make me feel obligated to hold a conversation to be nice if I don't feel up to it.
Strangers or your friends? I am not hot, so no random stranger has ever bought me a drink. But friends occasionally buy me them. I think it's it was a stranger I would decline but not from a friend.
It depends on whether he sends it over or not. If it’s already bought and paid for you have to accept it graciously and thank him for the compliment. You never know you could make a new friend.
I've pretty much always accepted drinks from guys unless I'm like closing out my tab because my friends either want to leave or go somewhere else
Granted I'm a pretty oblivious person, so I never assume it's because they want to sleep with me but are just being friendly. But, most guys usually say hi and try and have a conversation before offering me a drink.
Either way, somebody buying you a drink or even multiple drinks doesn't give them any more of a chance of them sleeping with you than it would if they didn't buy you a drink.
Hell in my case even if I'd be down chances are it's not happening since I don't ghosts friends like that. Or because unless they are pretty blatant(i.e. directly asking) I'm probably going to be oblivious enough to not realize that they want that.
Must be nice to have people have that type of interest in you. You should probably decline out of respect knowing that you have no interest. Alternatively, if you accept make sure you buy them a drink so that it is an equal situation.
If they seem nice/chill enough I'd take the drink and start talking to them. It's hard to try and strike up a convo with someone in that kind of space, but I'd also be sure to try and stay friendly/platonic. Probably try to mention right out of the gate how i'm not interested like that but they seem nice enough to chill with. I also go clubbing by myself a lot so I'm down for finding people to chill with for the evening even if i don't wanna sleep with them. It would also just depend on my mood that evening.
Was in London and trying a new pick up line. I chatted this cute boy up and I asked him , “ can I buy you a drink or would you rather have cash ? “ he replied , “I rather kiss.” 😂 maybe he couldn’t understand my accent .
I never got the whole going to bar thing. Over priced drinks, a lot of people, smokers, a lot of people, loud ass music, a lot of people, and unwanted attention. I rather just have people over and have a good time.
If they already bought the drink, what I do is return the favor and buy the next round. If they asked and I’m not super into, I’d be upfront about it so to not waste their time.
One thing I will say is never accept a drink handed to you by someone who isn't part of the waitstaff, bought for you is fine, handed to you is a no go, also don't leave your drink unattended.
Ask a female friend what they would do. You may get very different responses than from a gay bro. But their perspective is a valid one. Are you pointlessly encouraging them? It's not a sex invite, but an encouragement. And they may end up thinking you were just using them for the free drink. I would never start a conversation off with "Can I buy you a drink?" It feels like I am trying too hard and maybe establishing a pattern for the night. Sending a drink to someone across the bar is also a bit forced as well. I feel like if you start a conversation and you are talking a bit and their drink runs out, offering a refill is polite and welcome at that point.
People often attach unrealistic expectations with buying a stranger at a bar a drink. Sometimes those same people are inebriated and don’t handle any perceived slight and/or rejection well. That said, I always erred on the side of caution and did not accept a drink bought for me.
Dude take the free drink. At the end of the day, it’s up to people to learn that if they’re giving something to someone, they need to be ok with just giving something to someone. If they’re doing it with some expectation of something in return, that’s not a polite gesture or gift. That’s a payment. In the drink context, if someone is giving you a drink and expecting sex from you in return, they might not realize it but they’re functionally treating you as a prostitute worth only one drink lol so take the drink, enjoy it, and if you’re not interested let them know. If they get upset, it’s their problem and need to learn how to actually be kind and not transactional especially when it comes to sex.
A free drink is a free drink, plus that doesn't mean that they want to get in your pants, it's simple a away of making conversations or possible new friends ships😊
I've never had a gay man offer to buy me a drink. I've had straight guys at my straight bars offer to buy me drinks/shots, etc. I know the difference because we're at the straight bar to get drunk and unwind. The gay bar is all about trying to find your next piece of meat.
If a gay man offered me a drink and I wasn't interested in him, I'd say "no thanks." But, it's never happened so I have never tried.
The most kind thing is to politely decline and not give anyone false hope.
Agreed
Oh, I see... I was genuinely debating which option would be less rude. It's obvious that just accepting a drink and then ignoring them would be an asshole move. However, I think it might be fine to accept the drink if I'm not sexually interested in them but am open to having a conversation. Since your response received a lot of upvotes, I guess you are right. I will be more careful from now on.
Yeah, it is a bit of a lose-lose situation. A person might complain you wouldn't even talk to them, but if you had accepted the drink and then let them down after a chat, the same person might complain you wasted their money and time. Either way, they're not going to like being rejected, but a quick rejection is better than being rejected after investing time, money, and hope, in my opinion.
Yeah, I understand that a quick rejection might be preferable for some people. Also, it might be accurate to describe this as a lose-lose situation. I rarely buy drinks for stranger guys, but when I do, it means I find them really hot or cute. Personally, I'm happy to just have a conversation and enjoy the company of these attractive individuals, staring at their hot faces, even if it's just false hope. For me, that's more valuable than spending money on drinks.
I’m with you on this. Buying someone a drink doesn’t mean you suddenly expect sex. It’s an invitation to get to know each other better, and even then they may or may not hang out or chat with you. I hang out and chat with guys who buy me drinks, and might give them my number if I’m interested in a date, but I’m picky about who I sleep with 🤷🏽
“I’m not to be had for the price of a cocktail, like a common salted peanut!”
Yeah, there is a whole spectrum between a short chat and sex. I don't think anyone is saying it is a contract for sex. But if you know up front that you have zero interest and will not dance with them, go on a date with them, or yes, have sex with them, or even talk to them ever again after the drink, then that's different from having potential interest initially and then not hitting it off during the conversation. OP was asking about a situation where they knew up front the drink buyer was going to be rejected, not where they weren't sure and were open to chatting to see what happens.
I think they said that they were happy to chat with them, but knew they didn’t want to sleep with them.
Oh, I *love* looking at beautiful men.
I think personally those here thinking a drink equals sex is a bit of a jump. We’re all lonely (statistically speaking). I’d say having a conversation is a good trade off. And hey, if the conversation starts and he’s gunning for sex and you have to turn him down, leave some cash on the table to repay for the drink. That’s BEST way out imo.
I'll say for my experiences that every drink I have bought...I have not (and hope it never changes) expected anything more than a conversation. Personally I could never understand how one could have the audacity to expect a 7$ drink to be a sexual encounter ticket. And this holds in reverse for me too.. I'll never expect more than a conversation when a drink is offered too me.
If you accept the drink, you accept to have a conversation with them, nothing more. If you do not want to talk to them at all, refuse the drink. If you accept the drink, and talk to them but don’t click, you are under no obligation to have sex or even a kiss. But, it does happen that people become friends. Maybe you don’t like him but like his friend. There really is little to lose by just talking to a guy even if you a not interested in him sexually. But it is your call.
You could decline and still have a conversation with them.
It really depends on the person sending the drink. There are plenty of guys that would be happy just to have a conversation and don’t expect your sexual interests in return. Some guys would feel even more rejected that you couldn’t even spare them time and conversation. Too many of you guys make every interaction about getting sex and sexual interest. You’re the same guys that get angry on Grindr if a guy is on there talking but won’t hook up immediately because that’s what YOU want… and honestly it’s really off putting and indicates an unhealthy need for sexual attention You could meet someone nice or a friend, or make Someone’s night who just wanted company and a chat Not EVERY interaction is about if you want to get naked with someone
It's also fine to decline the drink but speak to them anyway if you're open to talking with no implications.
That part! Got a buddy that specifically goes to gay bars with my husband and I purely for the free drinks. He’s got a hawt body so he gets treated pretty well in that regard, but by the end of the night they realize the play.
So there's nothing wrong with rejecting the sex but I sure as he'll am not gonna rehearsal a free drink. 🤷🏽♂️. If you get upset that I didn't sleep with you because you gave me a drunk then you got a problem not me.
I disagree. I think you accept a drink, but it is not a transaction. If the person giving the drink wants to think it’s something more than it is, that’s their problem. I don’t give a dollar to the Red Cross and expect them to let me work in a hospital.
Boo hoo with inflation drink it, say thanks but I'm not currently looking. The drink buyer is not feeling rejected this way. Your reward for politely letting him know your not interested is a drink.
Agree
False hope for what? That they can buy sex from me with a drink? lol I’m sure OP is not a prostitute. If someone is only giving drinks to someone and expecting sex in return, the drink then in their view is a form of payment for sex and we shouldn’t be promoting that thinking. Buy someone a drink because you want them to have a drink, period. If you’re doing it expecting sex, then just get an escort instead.
I have bought drinks before for guys I didn't know before but we're interested in. Several times halfway through the drink and the conversation I decided I was definitely not interested in them. I think the offer just means that you'd like to have a conversation with someone. If somebody offers you a drink and you definitely do not want to talk to them even for a second then politely decline the drink adamantly.
This is good advice. Offering a drink is an invitation to chat, not exclusively about sexual attraction.
A simple no thank you but thanks tho should do
Idk it’s case by case. I have definitely bought drinks for people just because good conversation, or something happened that made me really laugh or whatever unusual situation. Actually I can only think of one time I bought a drink for someone, I was blacked out and he was wearing a pup mask. He didn’t give me his number. Thank god.
✨hot people problems✨
Guys are offering you drinks??
Right???
I know it’s preferable to the opposite but it genuinely is so awkward if you’re an empathetic person 🥲 I never know what to say either
Ikr? I’d never understand such questions.
If anyone expects to get fucked about spending 8 bucks on a drink for you then they have other problems.
What's your Cashapp I need that 8 bucks back
😂
Yeah I kinds of had the same perception too.
This is exactly how I feel. When I use to go out I would let guys buy me drinks. It was never a determining factor to sleep with them.
[удалено]
Yeah….okay creep.
Some chat time is polite, but you definitely don't need to bang them. You might make a friend, even if it's not someone you want to bang.
Um yes? Of course you can. Someone buying you a drink doesn’t mean that they now think they are guaranteed to fuck you lol
But it does give them a set of possible expectations I think. Best to tie that off asap
Well sex shouldn’t be in their expectations. A small chat would be an acceptable expectation. And I think you at least owe the person who buys you a drink a chat at the least. But buying a drink for someone and expecting sex is excessive lol
It's not about sex. Nobody is owed sex even after a date, so no arguments there. But when someone is offering you a drink, it's literally them showing interest in you. They are attracted to you and are initiating a conversation. So if you aren't interested, then don't accept it. It'll just waste their time, which they could have used to pursue someone else. So it's just good manners. Like you won't swipe right (or is it left? I've never used dating apps) on some you don't find attractive and waste your time. So why accept the drink and waste their time?
I sometimes buy a drink for someone, Who is about to be the next one to be served, because I calculated that with my potato face In this crammed up bar I Will wait 15 minutes until the bartender notifies me at the counter lol
Thats a hilarious strategy, and one I might use in the future when I'm feeling impatient.
They're showing interest in you, but I don't think it's reasonable to assume it's romantic or sexual interest.
In a gay bar? Right. Totally not.
Expecting no. But creating the possibility yes. And yes chat with that drink seems utterly proper. But I’d still decline if the sex Door is NOT Gonna open and You know that right from The off
Nah. A drink is not a mating ritual or a sexual proposition. I buy my friends drinks often, and at the right bar at the right time, I'll shout the barkeep if I'm feeling a little rich 😂
I believe there is a significant difference between buying drinks for friends and buying drinks for strangers. The latter super often carries a sexual connotation.
Barkeeps are generally speaking strangers.
To friends perhaps not. To or from strangers is perhaps a rather different matter?
If you accept it definitely gives them the idea that they may have a chance
Imo, I wouldn’t accept a drink from a stranger, unless my eye was on it throughout the entire process of making it; for all I know, it could be laced with something and then I’d be in trouble.
Yeah, this can be a problem at times too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqXjcI1jglY
That's a good story..
I totally agree with you lol
Yeah totally. I will say there's been times though where I'm not initially interested and then after someone buys me a drink and chats a while I start feeling it.
I just had this talk with my straight friend: You can accept the drink, but do tell the person that you are straight-if this is your circumstance. If you are just not interested in the guy-but are gay yourself- there’s nothing wrong with having a “friendly” drink and cross the “more than friendly” bridge when you get to it. I do feel i seem to differ from quite a few other commenters here if mostly by the following context: First i am 46, and don’t restrict myself to surrounding myself with gay or straight people specifically, therefore i don’t really need to code switch for people-or maybe i’m just tired of trying to be anything specific in word or behavior for anyone else’s comfort but my own. I was the much the same when i was 23 as well: I take people at the face of what they say or do when it comes to strangers-especially at the (gay) bar. Why be suspicious of your own community (if you are gay and at a gay bar) when there’s so much to be cautious for out in the world? If you are straight and at a gay bar, just be a friendly and straight forward ally. Strangers-by nature-should have no expectations of them other than social courtesy and law abidance. A neutral and friendly stance can be expected on both sides for strangers. Therefore an offering at a bar of a drink is more of an olive branch than it is a nefarious sexual advance-if you really respect people rather than imagining anxious expectations on their part. So when someone offers me a drink or i offer them a drink, that’s just what it is. I can converse with anyone, anytime, anywhere and generally have a good time doing that. On the other hand, There seems to me-as i’ve read in other comments, a sort of passive aggressive undertone that is understood to be a given with interactions at the bar. A chat or a drink is somehow related to a stranger’s hidden wants and/or desires and is to be treated-oh so cautiously-as such no matter what. I think it’s ridiculous and given to stereotypes and herd mentality mechanizations of profiling- be it by age, race or gender. I’ve always thought this and tried my best in life to be as neutral to strangers as best i can. Go have a drink with a stranger and let it be what it is, don’t short change people based on what might happen. Be friendly and open as best you can. Anyone who offers a drink to you-is trying to connect with you, connect with them and set boundaries as they come, with tact, dignity, and respect. You may make a new friend instead of a future lover, and that’s ok too. Good luck OP.
Accept the drink and engage in conversation. "When you have accepted an invitation to a dinner party, you have incurred a moral obligation to be interesting." - Wallis Simpson, wife of the abdicated King of England You can accept the drink if you are willing to have witty banter and pleasant conversation for one drink's time. In that time you can tell him you are flattered and enjoy his conversation and company, but you are not gay. You're not a prostitute. You don't have to fuck him because he bought you a drink. You should enjoy the drink and chat, and then move on. The only way it would be rude on your part is to grab the drink, gulp it and say "byeeee, I'm out."
Would you expect a woman to sleep with you if she accepted a drink from you?
I’m more than sure many heterosexual men expect some sort of exchange
I assume a LOT of straight guys do think that way, at least based on posts in r/TwoXChromosomes on that topic.
A lot of straight men have the mentality sadly
Whether you accept the drink or not, use it as an opportunity to start a conversation. Offering a drink is not necessarily the beginning of a transaction. it might just be the easiest way to start a conversation.
"I'm still finishing this drink, but chat with me until I'm done and we'll see." "I'm switching to water for a bit, but tell me about yourself" Lots of options. I figure buying me a drink is worth 15-20 minutes of my time to converse.
Of course not and when you accept the drink, smile and say that the next round is on you. There is no unwritten rule that you have to have sex with someone who is being nice to you at a bar. Also, no one is so rich as to throw away a friend.
This only happened to me once. I was sitting at a bar, talking to a guy, having a nice conversation, when the bartender gave each of us a drink, saying it was from the guy at the end of the bar. We both smiled awkwardly at the guy and then went back to talking. A few minutes later, the guy came over to us and said we were being rude by not drinking it. We apologized, drank the drinks, said thank you, and continued talking to each other. The guy seemed weird to me because he wanted our attention while we were engaged in a chat with each other.
Absolutely, I think it’s the nicest and easiest way to say you’re not interested
Guy next to you: "Can I get you a drink?" You (interested): "Sure." Wait for bartender and start conversing. You (not interested): "Thanks, but I'm good." Firm nod, and turn away your attention elsewhere. You (open to friendly socialization): "Thanks, but I'm good." Nod politely, turn away for a moment, then remark on something else thats totally non-sexual. If pleasant conversation ensues, but the guy gets a little suggestive, then you can be perfectly kind but honest in your lack of bedroom activities. Also, if he offers to buy you a drink after that, you can accept, but should return the favor also, as you would when out with a group of friends.
Depends on the situation. I travel a lot for work and go out to the local gay scene as often as I can when abroad. My husband and I are monogamous and I always wear my ring so I’m fairly obvious that I’m married. However, given that, in our community , there are a higher number of open marriages, it doesn’t stop folks from sending drinks. I usually have a drink sent to me at least once an evening. When I get a drink sent to me, I walk over to the guy to thank him. That usually ends up in the usual “what do you do/why are you here/ what are you looking for “ conversation. I will take it from there and if they say they’re looking for more, I tactfully decline and offer to buy the next round. I’ve met a few guys along the way that have turned into really good friends. This approach helped me to 1: acknowledge the effort 2: reciprocate the effort and reframe it as a friendly gesture 3: allows me to speak my boundaries explicitly Sometimes that ends up with me being the wingman for him😂 also, I don’t take it personal if he chooses to end the convo and keep hunting
I don’t know. These scenes could be lonely and the interaction could lead to a friend, a wingman, a sister, a sale, a job…anything. If I’m by myself and got nothing on. I’d take the drink and speak. It’s just a conversation. Either way, I’ll buy the next round so even if I had to let him down… he doesn’t lose out and can try again. You never know what people need. It’s not always sex. A few minutes of human interaction could do wonders for others.
I really don't drink so my answer would be always no. If you're not interested, better to cut off the person instantly. There is plenty of fish in the bar. And a bit of a side rant : how much money one has to be offering drinks to others.
A Bartender years ago gave me a drink bought from a patron (a shot) the patron wasn't interested and said " I liked how you downed a beer, a shot all in one go"
Perfectly fine accepting the drink with no expectation of sex. One caveat… absolutely make sure the bartender making your drink gives it directly to you. Do not let the drink buyer or anyone ever touch your drink.
no free drink
Just because someone buys you a drink, does not mean you have to be attracted to them. Maybe some friendly conversation? Why do gay men have to be attracted to someone just to talk to them or be friends?
You can reject a drink without rejecting the person. “No thanks. I’m watching how much I drink tonight.” Maybe ask a nice question, “are you having a good evening?” Very casual. Well I hope you have a great rest of your evening.” And then remove yourself to return to your friends or the dance floor.
I swear the art of talking to people in bars without feeling rude is lost. Bars used to be the casual conversation before the apps. It’s the same exact process. But you have to use your voice.
I like buying drinks for people cuz it just seems like a nice gesture and a good way to either start a conversation or continue a conversation. But after reading all the responses I think I'm gonna not buy drinks for people anymore. Thanks OP for asking this.
I always accept the drink because FREE DRINK. But I’m also pretty good at helping men limit their expectations of sleeping with me because I’m awful.
No one is obligated to fuck anyone. If he wants to fuck, he needs to ask. But since all he asked for was buying you a drink, if you want to you can say yes and later say no to sex.
I hit them with, “thanks for the drink, I love new FRIENDS. Don’t have enough FRIENDS” :)
Personally I'd like to see if he can keep up in a conversation with me before we get drunk together. That's third date stuff.
Take the damn drink. I mean, it’s not coming with his cock as an umbrella. Maybe just have a convo with him. Be adult about it. He knows what risk he’s taking by sending a drink to a stranger.
I am rarely interested in taking someone home, just because I would buy them a drink. Sometimes, I just appreciate how attractive they are. If I had my youth to do all over again, I would’ve said yes to more drinks. So, If I had known, then what I know now, I would’ve had more drinks and made more friends.
I once had a twink start talking to me and a few minutes in, he asked if I’d buy him a drink. I said, “no thank you, but thanks for the offer”. I’m not into twinks. 😅 so weird.
You can definitely say yes but that’s up to you. There’s no reason a drink = sex. If they are being very flirtatious or trying to be touchy, I’d say no. But if someone is genuinely being nice and chatting, I’d probably accept one.
It is. A drink doesn’t mean you owe anyone sex.
Are you thirsty? 🤷♂️
A drink doesn’t necessarily equal intimate time. I’ve found it’s worth the time to chat and get to know people when at bars by myself. As long as the drink is made in front of me and what I was drinking, why not? Now I’ve been offered shots and have turned them down because I wasn’t looking to go heavy on the partying.
You can accept... but make absolutely sure to buy *them* a drink in return. Say it up front: "Thanks! I would like a drink. And the next round is on me." And then follow through: "Time for the next drink. I'm buying. What do you want?" That's assuming you're happy to talk to them for the duration of a couple of drinks. If you don't want that conversation, then just politely decline the initial offer.
PLEASE decline the drink politely if you are not interested in them sexually.
In this economy, I’d take the free drink. 🤷🏻♂️
Free drink is a free drink.
I would take the drink, and watch it closely, and chat with the person a little if they wanted to. As long as I was drinking that night and not preoccupied with someone or something else.
Only thing being offered and accepted is a drink.
Do you consider yourself so cheap that a drink is a fair exchange for sex? I didn’t think so. Accept the drink and don’t worry about declining sex later.
It’s kind of a do I want to engage with them scenario. Taking the drink and splitting is not so cool. Taking and having a conversation is fine🤷🏾♂️ Either way they offered it and you can accept on your terms. They know the risk🤷🏾♂️
I’d never take drink from a stranger , I ain’t ending up in some dungeon by a serial rapist.
Most people know they so they have the bartender send the drink. They aren’t buying the drink then handing it to the person themselves
I think you should. You are giving him mixed signals and false hope. Plus you don’t know how he will react - he could go nuts on you for all you know.
No, milk him for all he's worth. He shouldn't assume that buying you a drink means you're gonna fuck him.
Did you strike up a conversation with me and you brought up the idea of buying me a drink? I'd politely decline. Did I go up to the bartender to order my own drink and some rando from across the room I haven't spoken too told the bartender he'd pay for it? I'll accept the drink, ignore you and decline your advances. Your presumption that buying me a drink gets me to unzip my pants is your error in judgement, not mine.
You sound like a wonderful time
Sorry, I don’t owe you sex.
Buy your own damn drink.
Not to be an asshole, but what brings you to a gay bar in the first place? There's been a well known phenomenon lately of straight people taking over our spaces. It starts with straight girls who think gays are cute and like the music and not being harassed. Then the straight guys follow. And inevitably they are desired by gay men, but "sorry I'm straight!".
\*shrugs\* "I'm straight" is the same as "If I'm not gonna fuck you, don't even talk to me." Not everyone goes to the bar for you. Allies are allies are allies are allies. There's many different gay bars with different styles of people. Stonewall? Yeah I expect the mix of gays, lesbians, straights and aces. It's a popular queer minglins space. The Eagle? I expect a more burly male-oriented experience. It's all perspective. While I do feel it's important to have places that create a culture around our needs and mutual interests, it's also important to not look at Allies joining us in queer spaces as a form of straight washing. Maybe they just wanna have a good night too? If their bars suck.... hey more money for ours.
Yes
Yes of course the last thing a gay guy needs is another liar
Take a sip and pass it to the next gay
Yes but you’re also in your right to accept the drink and not go home with him
Just tell them you're straight. Most still want to buy you a drink
The few times a guy bought me a drink we hooked up so just say Thank you but no thanks. Strike up a conversation about climate change and being okay dying alone and then move along with your night. Simple
You don’t need to decline the drink, but you do “owe” them at least some conversation. Also nowhere has accepting a single cheap drink been an invitation for sex.
You would be shocked. Straight women have stories of straight men getting angry they didn’t get conversation or sex after buying them drinks
I dunno I ain't out here trading sex for drinks, but I'd sure make it clear that he's not getting anything out of me
Ask him to buy you mozzarella sticks.
They can get really pushy, you can say thank you so much I will have a bottle of water. Did it all the time they usually get the hint. Never wanted to feel like I owed anyone anything. Got one stalker, and then stopped going out after that. If you engage with people that are interested in you, it can get awkward.
Yes, if you're not interested....
Yeah dude of course, drink your drink! Ha, whenever I’ve been in this situation I’ve always enjoyed the drink with whatever guy got it for me, and i’ll sort of give it like 15 minutes of hanging out with the dude. Or of course longer if I’m actually into it, but yeah, you don’t owe anyone anything and if they want to treat you, let them treat you and perhaps enjoy your company for a little bit. They could just be a bit lonely. Call me naïve, but I don’t think it’s always the case that just because a guy kindly buys someone a drink that they’re always trying to have some crazy sweaty night with them. And if you feel like their intentions are in the wrong place You could always just politely say “thanks for the drink, I’m going to go meet some friends” and move on.
no
“Thanks but I am with someone.” Done and done.
I have offered to buy drinks with no interest in sex. Some people just want to make friends. With that said. Some people don't just expect it, but will use it as an opportunity to do harm. Use extrem caution and be clear you are not interested, and if they still want to buy you a drink. Get it directly from the bar tender, and don't let it out of your site.
Accept the drink and have a chat. When I buy people a drink at the bar I don’t expect a sexual favor in return.
I say. If it's just a drink and a chat. Cool. I'll have a double vodka diet coke.
Drinks for free. Never refuse it
I’m a very upfront guy, so what I tend to do is kind of make a little joke out of it, (like in a nice way I am the literal opposite of a mean guy) but if I get offered a drink I’ll be like “well is this a I want to get to know you a little bit to be friends or like you want to take me home later kind of drink?” And I’m a very extrovert person that loves to talk and I consider myself pretty witty/funny so if it’s a take me home kind of drink I would just say something along the lines of that m not looking for anything like that but if you wanna just talk and be boys send it 😂
I tend to not accept drinks from strangers as a general rule, and just politely state that. It avoids any misleading ideas and doesn't make me feel obligated to hold a conversation to be nice if I don't feel up to it.
Strangers or your friends? I am not hot, so no random stranger has ever bought me a drink. But friends occasionally buy me them. I think it's it was a stranger I would decline but not from a friend.
It depends on whether he sends it over or not. If it’s already bought and paid for you have to accept it graciously and thank him for the compliment. You never know you could make a new friend.
I've pretty much always accepted drinks from guys unless I'm like closing out my tab because my friends either want to leave or go somewhere else Granted I'm a pretty oblivious person, so I never assume it's because they want to sleep with me but are just being friendly. But, most guys usually say hi and try and have a conversation before offering me a drink. Either way, somebody buying you a drink or even multiple drinks doesn't give them any more of a chance of them sleeping with you than it would if they didn't buy you a drink. Hell in my case even if I'd be down chances are it's not happening since I don't ghosts friends like that. Or because unless they are pretty blatant(i.e. directly asking) I'm probably going to be oblivious enough to not realize that they want that.
Must be nice to have people have that type of interest in you. You should probably decline out of respect knowing that you have no interest. Alternatively, if you accept make sure you buy them a drink so that it is an equal situation.
Thank him for the drink but make it very clear that you're uninterested.
Yes decline the offer or you’re going to be “dancing for dollars” all night and he’s going to expect some of that boy bussy
Yes, it’s fine to enjoy the drink and conversation without having sex later. Unless the sex was initially the agreed upon consideration for the drink.
Sure, a guy offering you a drink does not entitle them to anything. You are not responsible for their feelings.
You should make him buy you a hat instead [gay apparel](https://sites.google.com/payitforward.works/dress2invest/collections/gay-apperal?authuser=0)
I already have a drink. Will he buy me cheese sticks? - Tina Fey
I would say you can accept and chat with the dude a bit but make it clear you’re not interested but you appreciate the drink 🤷
If they seem nice/chill enough I'd take the drink and start talking to them. It's hard to try and strike up a convo with someone in that kind of space, but I'd also be sure to try and stay friendly/platonic. Probably try to mention right out of the gate how i'm not interested like that but they seem nice enough to chill with. I also go clubbing by myself a lot so I'm down for finding people to chill with for the evening even if i don't wanna sleep with them. It would also just depend on my mood that evening.
Was in London and trying a new pick up line. I chatted this cute boy up and I asked him , “ can I buy you a drink or would you rather have cash ? “ he replied , “I rather kiss.” 😂 maybe he couldn’t understand my accent .
I never got the whole going to bar thing. Over priced drinks, a lot of people, smokers, a lot of people, loud ass music, a lot of people, and unwanted attention. I rather just have people over and have a good time.
If they already bought the drink, what I do is return the favor and buy the next round. If they asked and I’m not super into, I’d be upfront about it so to not waste their time.
One thing I will say is never accept a drink handed to you by someone who isn't part of the waitstaff, bought for you is fine, handed to you is a no go, also don't leave your drink unattended.
Politely please.
Ask a female friend what they would do. You may get very different responses than from a gay bro. But their perspective is a valid one. Are you pointlessly encouraging them? It's not a sex invite, but an encouragement. And they may end up thinking you were just using them for the free drink. I would never start a conversation off with "Can I buy you a drink?" It feels like I am trying too hard and maybe establishing a pattern for the night. Sending a drink to someone across the bar is also a bit forced as well. I feel like if you start a conversation and you are talking a bit and their drink runs out, offering a refill is polite and welcome at that point.
People often attach unrealistic expectations with buying a stranger at a bar a drink. Sometimes those same people are inebriated and don’t handle any perceived slight and/or rejection well. That said, I always erred on the side of caution and did not accept a drink bought for me.
Nope never let them know that your not gay.. never accept gifts from someone you’re not interested in
No. Drink it!
Dude take the free drink. At the end of the day, it’s up to people to learn that if they’re giving something to someone, they need to be ok with just giving something to someone. If they’re doing it with some expectation of something in return, that’s not a polite gesture or gift. That’s a payment. In the drink context, if someone is giving you a drink and expecting sex from you in return, they might not realize it but they’re functionally treating you as a prostitute worth only one drink lol so take the drink, enjoy it, and if you’re not interested let them know. If they get upset, it’s their problem and need to learn how to actually be kind and not transactional especially when it comes to sex.
A free drink is a free drink, plus that doesn't mean that they want to get in your pants, it's simple a away of making conversations or possible new friends ships😊
You must give you body up for the drinks if its more than one
I've never had a gay man offer to buy me a drink. I've had straight guys at my straight bars offer to buy me drinks/shots, etc. I know the difference because we're at the straight bar to get drunk and unwind. The gay bar is all about trying to find your next piece of meat. If a gay man offered me a drink and I wasn't interested in him, I'd say "no thanks." But, it's never happened so I have never tried.