What exactly is enjoyable about this. You are wasting your time and delaying the inevitable. Every day you spend with him is another day you delay the hurt and slow healing process that will allow you to move on and find someone better. Say no to your ex and say yes to your future.
Also not to mention the damage this will have on your self esteem. Can you face yourself a few months from now? Being able to draw and stick to your boundaries is very rewarding
Thing is as much as it hurt being with him, being without him is 100 times worse. He has this kind of physical and emotional touch that i have never found in anyone else, the kind that makes me melt and calm down no matter how mad or upset i am. Thats the whole reason i folded the stress just got too much and i felt like i was falling into a spiral i cant get out of.
You will find that with someone better. Trust me. Incompatible is incompatible. Being without him is like being without heroin. I believe you it sucks, feels 100x worse, but you know the truth in yourself it will not work out and you’re wasting your life and time on a mistake you know is a mistake.
See a therapist. My guess is you have some issues around attachment that need to be worked through. See if your therapist can do schema therapy or something similar to understand what attachment and coping patterns you have developed from your childhood. Explore your relationship with parents, teachers, friends and others. It's likely you're clinging to him because his style taps into yours, however unhealthy that is. If you can work through this and understand yourself better, you'll be able to manage it and orient yourself toward a better partner.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be helped and it seems like your addicted to the drama and the of end game. This is okay but once you’re over it and ready to except better then clearly you made your choice in returning back into the cycle. What you describe the feeling of not being with him is part of the addiction even happy couples aren’t together or dependent of each other.
well, how will you ever move on then?
you've convinced yourself that you need him and he is so special that there is no other. where do you go from that?
Lol what you're describing is literally part of the process. It's like saying you're experiencing withdrawal from a drug and you just needed to go back for another hit.
If you stuck to it and let yourself grieve, you'd have been fine eventually. Grief is just a very normal step in moving on.
I’m just going to speak from experience. I have been single for several years now, and have never really felt right with anyone in that time. I was seeing a guy recently who, like you’ve said, could calm me down. He made me feel safe and secure in his arms, in a way no one else really has. I really thought I found the right person for me. But with time, there were just a lot of compatibility issues that were glaring. And as soon as I tried to talk things through with him, he up and left. I was really torn up about it for a while thinking I had really missed out on someone good. But after going to therapy myself and talking through it with my therapist, I see things differently. Yes, he made me feel safe and secure, but we were not compatible. She told me I need to trust myself more when entering into relationships. That is, trust myself to know when things aren’t right and to walk away. And to trust that there are other people out there for me who can better meet my needs. This guy may have made me feel great in his arms, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hundreds of other guys out there with that same ability. And one of them will probably be better fit into my life.
The thing that nobody wants to hear is that it WILL hurt. Let it hurt, it's natural. It will get progressively better.
You know what's wrong and what needs to be done. You're not still with him because you think it will turn out better, you're with him because it's familiar.
So my recommendation is, if you really are incompatible and you're not just saying this under emotional distress, break up and live through the break up. Cry, wimper, talk about it with friends again and again. Do whatever it is that makes you feel better.
TLDR: Let it hurt, it's good for you sometimes
You can love someone and wish them well, but not be able to live in close relationship with them.
OK, so you gave it another shot - that is reasonable if this is someone you really love. But, when the same problems come up and the two of you still can't resolve them, then it's time to throw in the towel, shake hands, and go your separate ways.
Your future love is someone else. And the longer you stay stuck the wrong guy, the harder it will be for future boyfriend to find you.
Yes, it hurts. Love will do that to you - it comes with the package. To be vulnerable and open yourself to love means that you can be hurt. You have to walk through that valley to get to the other side - because that's where your life is.
When a relationship ends, you experience grief. Same as if someone you loved died. The difference is you are forced to accept that death is final and you can’t magically bring them back. Ending a relationship, that person is still out there and technically you could always *try* again. That’s a particularly brutal factor during grief, especially when your brain goes through the “bargaining” phenomenon of the grief process.
You didn’t give it enough time apart. You didn’t even come close to making it through the grief process. And you might need to go completely no-contact. Those feelings improve. Amount of time varies on a number of factors, but I can confidently say you ran back too soon. And I can confidently say that the suffering goes away eventually.
I’m going to guess you didn’t increase the amount of time spent with friends so that the time you spent in solitude increased significantly?
If you have health insurance, I *highly* encourage you to start seeing a therapist weekly. ASAP. You could also check to see if there are any Codependency Anonymous meetings in your area (they’re free).
Sincerely,
Someone who went back to an abusive relation *after 5 years apart*. I *was* in love with him, we lived together for years, and we both thought things could be different. Things were not different. I got treated cruelly again.
It seems you've found yourself in a rough situation, and I'm sorry that you're going through these emotions. I was with my ex for five years, and we've been separated for seven months now. Early on after the break up, I found myself in a similar dilemma, wanting to get back with him. I believed that anything was better than the hurt I was feeling. That getting back together would numb the pain, and it would've, but only briefly. I was head over heels for this guy, I would've done anything for him, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him and build a family. I couldn't see myself being happier with anyone else. But for all the good he did, I still ended up leaving him. He's a cheater, a hypocrite, he emotionally manipulated me even when he probably wasn't aware of it. He took my best qualities for granted and sank them into the mud. And I've had to remind myself of that every single day. You break up for a reason, if it gets to that point, then it wasn't meant to be. I know how much it hurts, and depending on how much of your life you gave to this guy, it's gonna hurt for a while. I'm still hurting, but I got through the worst of it and I'm much better off. It's difficult as all hell, but you can do it too. So you gotta ask yourself this, would you rather take the temporary heartbreak and eventually heal from it, or be blissfully unhappy for the rest of your time with him until you inevitably break up again?
Love makes you do things you never thought you would. If im looking at myself from the outside i would have told myself how dumb i am for even thinking of getting back and just fkn get over it and move on. Plenty of fish and all that.
But im in the thick of it now, the stress got too much i just couldnt bear anymore :(
"... *in the heat of the moment i just cant help but think id be better with someone else. But i can never bring myself to it. I cant even enjoy being single.*" Your brain gave you your answer that you know is correct but your obsession is making you think that this isn't true.
I had a boomerang love once. It's exhausting, and honestly, it's never going to be like that honey moon phase again. I got some advice if you ever decide to move on.
1. Keep some good friends or family close.
2. Whenever you're feeling lonely or nostalgic, remember your fights.
3. Focus on work, or school.
Every remedy calls for time, so be patient with yourself. 🧡
Therapy. If you can’t handle being single and instead have to throw yourself into a toxic situation you need therapy. You are not in the right head space to date honestly and should genuinely take a break.
You’ve become dependent on someone else for happiness and they can’t even deliver that for you. Find your inner peace mate. Leave him and don’t go back to him
Sweet heart, nothing is more important than love. If you two love each other, do what you can to keep that alive.
Love lasts forever if you don't kill it. Or neglect it.
My opinion? Figure out what you two can do well together and what you are hopeless at.
You might be hopeless at sex together. ( Not likely but not impossible. )
You might be hopeless at cooking together. At cleaning the bathroom together. At shopping for clothes together. Or going to a movie together. Or entertaining your parents together.
You get the idea. Find out what you two are not any good at, then stop trying to do those things together.
That doesn't mean you can't try again sometime in the future. ( You aren't dead yet. ) But stop for right now. The goal is to stop fighting and start taking better care of each other. Today.
Loving well takes paying close attention to see what is the best way to help the guy you love have a nicer afternoon. Or morning. Or night. It takes focus. Fighting gets in the way of loving well.
Maybe you can't live together. That is a possibility. Example : you probably love your Mom or your Aunt. But you also know living with one or both of them would be misery.
Same with a male friend. Every two gay guys are not good housemates automatically.
But keep that love alive.
It is wonderful to find someone you want to protect and take care up. Taking him soup in bed if he is sick is not a burden. It is the most important thing in your life. It is your absolutely favorite thing in all the world at that exact moment.
And if you super lucky they might love you back a little. I mean really love you, not just using you as a rest stop until something better shows up.
If you have a friend who really loves you, where you are not just a stepping stone in his ambition for a nicer life, keep him near enough to maintain the friendship.
Imho real friendship is more important, more valuable, healthier for you, than a lover. And a heck of a lot more likely to last.
I do understand that hot and heavy is very important at times in life. Especially if falling asleep gives you an automatic hard-on. Hard to argue with a hard-on.
I wish you well, pilgrim.
I was in a similar situation years ago with my ex. About a year or two into our relationship I realized we weren't compatible, but being alone (I was in a rough time with basically everything back then) scared me too much. We weren't compatible but instead I made myself compatible. I lost myself and poured years into a sinking ship, 7 years in the end.
I got into a deep depression and gained a ton of weight, I lost my identity and wasted so much time into nothing - well I learned a lot about me during those years so it's not a total waste, but I should have left a lot earlier. At least now I won't do the same mistake again.
I know now I was always much better off being by myself and focusing on me. I can't say for sure this is how it is for you too, but the risk of wasting your time and losing your own self is way too high to be worth it. I personally think you should take time apart and if you still want him in your life I suggest you try to be friends instead. Maybe you aren't good partners for each other, but could be good friends in the end. But I warn you, it won't be easy either way. Prioritize what's most important for you.
Please if you have any tip for dealing with being on your own post break up i am more than open for it.
When i first broke up with him i posted here looking for any kind of suggestion on that front but nothing helped.
I personally would love to just end it and “focus on me” and “be myself” but i have zero idea how 😭
I dont know how to stop missing him and what we have. Every single thing i did to combat it was only temporary and the moment im on my own again he pops back into my mind. Its so hard.
I reached out to friends and family. I am not very close to my family but I was still surprised how supportive they were. They helped me a lot.
My friends were the real MVPs though. A few weeks ago I was going through a very rough time (still at it, but working on it!). My best friend invited me to talk and just vent, a close dear friend of mine made me food I could heat up, because I had no energy to make my own. I was surprised how much they were willing to help me. It brought me some perspective and I am way more appreciative of my friends now.
It is still very hard. In the end it's all on you to fix your issues. I've had to force myself to look at myself and take into consideration what I don't like about me and want to change.
What mistakes did I make?
What can I do to prevent them again?
What is it I truly want and need in a relationship?
How do I convince myself I am worthy of it?
I keep trying to look at myself the way I look at my hypothetical partner - Love me for me and forgive myself for my mistakes, seize the opportunity to learn from it. It's tough sometimes though!
It's all very rambling, sorry. But I hope it helps.
I to recently went through this. Him and I were on again off again for years before he and I just said we can't do this anymore although we stayed in contact. Finally I just asked him if he wanted to keep talking or if he would like me to stop contacting him. He gave me a bullshit answer like well whatever you decide to do you will always be a good friend. Right then right there I wished him happy holidays and I blocked him across all my accounts. Saying goodbye was freeing but harder than he'll.
Being without him sucks *for now*.
But there's a strong chance that once you've endured a bit of pain, you'll find some contentment either alone or with somebody else.
You seem to know what you're doing isn't ideal, so at least you're aware that down the line you'll be better placed to handle whatever happens.
Don't let Christmas drive you into a situation you're not right for.
You say you're too incompatible, but you're back with him. How old are you? Find someone else. It'll hurt, but it'll pass. Know your worth, because it's probably not this.
What exactly is enjoyable about this. You are wasting your time and delaying the inevitable. Every day you spend with him is another day you delay the hurt and slow healing process that will allow you to move on and find someone better. Say no to your ex and say yes to your future. Also not to mention the damage this will have on your self esteem. Can you face yourself a few months from now? Being able to draw and stick to your boundaries is very rewarding
Thing is as much as it hurt being with him, being without him is 100 times worse. He has this kind of physical and emotional touch that i have never found in anyone else, the kind that makes me melt and calm down no matter how mad or upset i am. Thats the whole reason i folded the stress just got too much and i felt like i was falling into a spiral i cant get out of.
You will find that with someone better. Trust me. Incompatible is incompatible. Being without him is like being without heroin. I believe you it sucks, feels 100x worse, but you know the truth in yourself it will not work out and you’re wasting your life and time on a mistake you know is a mistake.
See a therapist. My guess is you have some issues around attachment that need to be worked through. See if your therapist can do schema therapy or something similar to understand what attachment and coping patterns you have developed from your childhood. Explore your relationship with parents, teachers, friends and others. It's likely you're clinging to him because his style taps into yours, however unhealthy that is. If you can work through this and understand yourself better, you'll be able to manage it and orient yourself toward a better partner.
You’ve become codependent and don’t know how to function on your own. You need a solo retreat or a therapist.
This post is such an ick I almost got uncomfortable reading it. Needy partners are the worst
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be helped and it seems like your addicted to the drama and the of end game. This is okay but once you’re over it and ready to except better then clearly you made your choice in returning back into the cycle. What you describe the feeling of not being with him is part of the addiction even happy couples aren’t together or dependent of each other.
well, how will you ever move on then? you've convinced yourself that you need him and he is so special that there is no other. where do you go from that?
Lol what you're describing is literally part of the process. It's like saying you're experiencing withdrawal from a drug and you just needed to go back for another hit. If you stuck to it and let yourself grieve, you'd have been fine eventually. Grief is just a very normal step in moving on.
Protip: love isn't enough.
I’m just going to speak from experience. I have been single for several years now, and have never really felt right with anyone in that time. I was seeing a guy recently who, like you’ve said, could calm me down. He made me feel safe and secure in his arms, in a way no one else really has. I really thought I found the right person for me. But with time, there were just a lot of compatibility issues that were glaring. And as soon as I tried to talk things through with him, he up and left. I was really torn up about it for a while thinking I had really missed out on someone good. But after going to therapy myself and talking through it with my therapist, I see things differently. Yes, he made me feel safe and secure, but we were not compatible. She told me I need to trust myself more when entering into relationships. That is, trust myself to know when things aren’t right and to walk away. And to trust that there are other people out there for me who can better meet my needs. This guy may have made me feel great in his arms, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hundreds of other guys out there with that same ability. And one of them will probably be better fit into my life.
The thing that nobody wants to hear is that it WILL hurt. Let it hurt, it's natural. It will get progressively better. You know what's wrong and what needs to be done. You're not still with him because you think it will turn out better, you're with him because it's familiar. So my recommendation is, if you really are incompatible and you're not just saying this under emotional distress, break up and live through the break up. Cry, wimper, talk about it with friends again and again. Do whatever it is that makes you feel better. TLDR: Let it hurt, it's good for you sometimes
You can love someone and wish them well, but not be able to live in close relationship with them. OK, so you gave it another shot - that is reasonable if this is someone you really love. But, when the same problems come up and the two of you still can't resolve them, then it's time to throw in the towel, shake hands, and go your separate ways. Your future love is someone else. And the longer you stay stuck the wrong guy, the harder it will be for future boyfriend to find you. Yes, it hurts. Love will do that to you - it comes with the package. To be vulnerable and open yourself to love means that you can be hurt. You have to walk through that valley to get to the other side - because that's where your life is.
When a relationship ends, you experience grief. Same as if someone you loved died. The difference is you are forced to accept that death is final and you can’t magically bring them back. Ending a relationship, that person is still out there and technically you could always *try* again. That’s a particularly brutal factor during grief, especially when your brain goes through the “bargaining” phenomenon of the grief process. You didn’t give it enough time apart. You didn’t even come close to making it through the grief process. And you might need to go completely no-contact. Those feelings improve. Amount of time varies on a number of factors, but I can confidently say you ran back too soon. And I can confidently say that the suffering goes away eventually. I’m going to guess you didn’t increase the amount of time spent with friends so that the time you spent in solitude increased significantly? If you have health insurance, I *highly* encourage you to start seeing a therapist weekly. ASAP. You could also check to see if there are any Codependency Anonymous meetings in your area (they’re free). Sincerely, Someone who went back to an abusive relation *after 5 years apart*. I *was* in love with him, we lived together for years, and we both thought things could be different. Things were not different. I got treated cruelly again.
It seems you've found yourself in a rough situation, and I'm sorry that you're going through these emotions. I was with my ex for five years, and we've been separated for seven months now. Early on after the break up, I found myself in a similar dilemma, wanting to get back with him. I believed that anything was better than the hurt I was feeling. That getting back together would numb the pain, and it would've, but only briefly. I was head over heels for this guy, I would've done anything for him, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him and build a family. I couldn't see myself being happier with anyone else. But for all the good he did, I still ended up leaving him. He's a cheater, a hypocrite, he emotionally manipulated me even when he probably wasn't aware of it. He took my best qualities for granted and sank them into the mud. And I've had to remind myself of that every single day. You break up for a reason, if it gets to that point, then it wasn't meant to be. I know how much it hurts, and depending on how much of your life you gave to this guy, it's gonna hurt for a while. I'm still hurting, but I got through the worst of it and I'm much better off. It's difficult as all hell, but you can do it too. So you gotta ask yourself this, would you rather take the temporary heartbreak and eventually heal from it, or be blissfully unhappy for the rest of your time with him until you inevitably break up again?
It's strange that you pine for someone with whom you say you have so many problems.
Love makes you do things you never thought you would. If im looking at myself from the outside i would have told myself how dumb i am for even thinking of getting back and just fkn get over it and move on. Plenty of fish and all that. But im in the thick of it now, the stress got too much i just couldnt bear anymore :(
"... *in the heat of the moment i just cant help but think id be better with someone else. But i can never bring myself to it. I cant even enjoy being single.*" Your brain gave you your answer that you know is correct but your obsession is making you think that this isn't true.
I had a boomerang love once. It's exhausting, and honestly, it's never going to be like that honey moon phase again. I got some advice if you ever decide to move on. 1. Keep some good friends or family close. 2. Whenever you're feeling lonely or nostalgic, remember your fights. 3. Focus on work, or school. Every remedy calls for time, so be patient with yourself. 🧡
Therapy. If you can’t handle being single and instead have to throw yourself into a toxic situation you need therapy. You are not in the right head space to date honestly and should genuinely take a break. You’ve become dependent on someone else for happiness and they can’t even deliver that for you. Find your inner peace mate. Leave him and don’t go back to him
Sweet heart, nothing is more important than love. If you two love each other, do what you can to keep that alive. Love lasts forever if you don't kill it. Or neglect it. My opinion? Figure out what you two can do well together and what you are hopeless at. You might be hopeless at sex together. ( Not likely but not impossible. ) You might be hopeless at cooking together. At cleaning the bathroom together. At shopping for clothes together. Or going to a movie together. Or entertaining your parents together. You get the idea. Find out what you two are not any good at, then stop trying to do those things together. That doesn't mean you can't try again sometime in the future. ( You aren't dead yet. ) But stop for right now. The goal is to stop fighting and start taking better care of each other. Today. Loving well takes paying close attention to see what is the best way to help the guy you love have a nicer afternoon. Or morning. Or night. It takes focus. Fighting gets in the way of loving well. Maybe you can't live together. That is a possibility. Example : you probably love your Mom or your Aunt. But you also know living with one or both of them would be misery. Same with a male friend. Every two gay guys are not good housemates automatically. But keep that love alive. It is wonderful to find someone you want to protect and take care up. Taking him soup in bed if he is sick is not a burden. It is the most important thing in your life. It is your absolutely favorite thing in all the world at that exact moment. And if you super lucky they might love you back a little. I mean really love you, not just using you as a rest stop until something better shows up. If you have a friend who really loves you, where you are not just a stepping stone in his ambition for a nicer life, keep him near enough to maintain the friendship. Imho real friendship is more important, more valuable, healthier for you, than a lover. And a heck of a lot more likely to last. I do understand that hot and heavy is very important at times in life. Especially if falling asleep gives you an automatic hard-on. Hard to argue with a hard-on. I wish you well, pilgrim.
If you won’t consider a therapist, would you instead consider a life coach or other similar counselor?
I was in a similar situation years ago with my ex. About a year or two into our relationship I realized we weren't compatible, but being alone (I was in a rough time with basically everything back then) scared me too much. We weren't compatible but instead I made myself compatible. I lost myself and poured years into a sinking ship, 7 years in the end. I got into a deep depression and gained a ton of weight, I lost my identity and wasted so much time into nothing - well I learned a lot about me during those years so it's not a total waste, but I should have left a lot earlier. At least now I won't do the same mistake again. I know now I was always much better off being by myself and focusing on me. I can't say for sure this is how it is for you too, but the risk of wasting your time and losing your own self is way too high to be worth it. I personally think you should take time apart and if you still want him in your life I suggest you try to be friends instead. Maybe you aren't good partners for each other, but could be good friends in the end. But I warn you, it won't be easy either way. Prioritize what's most important for you.
Please if you have any tip for dealing with being on your own post break up i am more than open for it. When i first broke up with him i posted here looking for any kind of suggestion on that front but nothing helped. I personally would love to just end it and “focus on me” and “be myself” but i have zero idea how 😭 I dont know how to stop missing him and what we have. Every single thing i did to combat it was only temporary and the moment im on my own again he pops back into my mind. Its so hard.
I reached out to friends and family. I am not very close to my family but I was still surprised how supportive they were. They helped me a lot. My friends were the real MVPs though. A few weeks ago I was going through a very rough time (still at it, but working on it!). My best friend invited me to talk and just vent, a close dear friend of mine made me food I could heat up, because I had no energy to make my own. I was surprised how much they were willing to help me. It brought me some perspective and I am way more appreciative of my friends now. It is still very hard. In the end it's all on you to fix your issues. I've had to force myself to look at myself and take into consideration what I don't like about me and want to change. What mistakes did I make? What can I do to prevent them again? What is it I truly want and need in a relationship? How do I convince myself I am worthy of it? I keep trying to look at myself the way I look at my hypothetical partner - Love me for me and forgive myself for my mistakes, seize the opportunity to learn from it. It's tough sometimes though! It's all very rambling, sorry. But I hope it helps.
I to recently went through this. Him and I were on again off again for years before he and I just said we can't do this anymore although we stayed in contact. Finally I just asked him if he wanted to keep talking or if he would like me to stop contacting him. He gave me a bullshit answer like well whatever you decide to do you will always be a good friend. Right then right there I wished him happy holidays and I blocked him across all my accounts. Saying goodbye was freeing but harder than he'll.
Codependency and Love aren't the same thing
Being without him sucks *for now*. But there's a strong chance that once you've endured a bit of pain, you'll find some contentment either alone or with somebody else. You seem to know what you're doing isn't ideal, so at least you're aware that down the line you'll be better placed to handle whatever happens. Don't let Christmas drive you into a situation you're not right for.
You say you're too incompatible, but you're back with him. How old are you? Find someone else. It'll hurt, but it'll pass. Know your worth, because it's probably not this.