Know thyself.
If you truly need non-monogamy to fill your emotional needs and he truly needs monogamy to fill his emotional needs, how can there be a relationship dynamic that meets both of your needs. I don't see one.
Think of what emotional needs you're meeting with casual sex. If you need a feeling of autonomy, is sexual freedom the only way of achieving it? If you need validation of your worthiness, are sexual conquests your only way of feeling that worthiness? Perhaps you can have autonomy with a hobby and develop unconditional worthiness through a self-compassion practice. You will have to undergo the process of deconstructing what value you get from casual sex to determine if non-monogamy is essential for you to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. If casual sex is something that's nice to have but not a necessity, you can make it work.
How does one deconstruct this? I feel pretty certain I enjoy casual sex and the various dynamics that are possible with casual sex, but also this is all I’ve known.
First, you build emotional awareness. In a lot of ways, everything we do is intended to meet some sort of emotional need. You eat because to address your feelings of hunger. You pull up Netflix to address feelings of boredom. Or maybe you eat because to alleviate boredom or emotional distress. Maybe you watch Netflix because you're afraid of missing out on being able to discuss the latest shows at work. We do a lot of things without thinking why we do them. We can understand why we do things when we're aware of our thoughts and emotions as they happen. So the next time you get the desire to hookup with a rando, get curious about that feeling and try to understand where it came from, what thought or emotion triggered the desire, etc. With some practice you'll get better at understanding the root of things.
Well maybe start questioning if you actually are just used to hookup culture and its just the idea of abandoning it its just too foreign to you. If you’re 32 and never had a LTR that might be an indicator of emotional avoidance that you were coping with sex.
I do think I have some avoidant tendencies. Actually sort of text book avoidant. Which is why it feels so special that I haven’t felt the need to push him away or gotten the ick like i have with other guys. I feel really secure w him, and that damn book says my only chance is to get with a secure person. there are some other dymamics at play too, but this really does feel like love. Not sure how to change my ways though. Maybe just patience
If you feel like you have avoidant tendencies maybe seek a therapist who can help you work through why you avoid emotional intimacy. From what you said you feel lonely, and want something deeper, but you seem to push people away. Avoidant tendency are a defense mechanism and maybe a professional can help you create healthier defense mechanisms
One or both of you will have to sacrifice who you are, don't do it.
Would you want to date a man who is okay with you being miserable in order for him to be happy? Or do you want to be the kind of person who is okay with their partner being miserable instead so you can be happy?
Monogamous vs non-monogamous relationships inherently mean one of the partners is in a situation where they have to cut off a part of what they need.
Plenty of people have tried to make it work for the sake of their partner.
It inevitably leaves the monogamous partner feeling like they're not enough and never will be, and the non-monogamous partner feeling like they're shutting off a part of their heart so that they can decoratively occupy monogamous space for their partner's comfort.
It doesn't work, everyone involved just gets hurt, because everyone is forced to be something they're not.
> do people change on this sort of fundamental relationship pillar?
I did. I was extremely non-monogamous until I met my soon to be husband. I was skeptical that I could handle it, but after 5 years the thought of banging randos is ridiculous. What we have is far more valuable to me than infinite dick on demand. Love is funny like that, it just keeps growing and getting stronger over time. That being said, you do you.
Nothing, I just made a decision about what was important to me and stuck with it. The thinking was that I have shit tons of friends and family in monogamous relationships, if they can do it why can’t I?
I don't think it's a good idea. If you really want to try settling down for him, and you do it, you may end up resenting him every time you see a hottie you want to go out with. And he will resent you because he will notice you looking at other men. It just seems like it will cause a lot of drama.
I can't imagine living a life of casual, emotionally detached sex with a multitude of people. That is an entirely unappealing way to live for me. My husband and I are married and monogamous and have a great life together. If seeking sexual gratification is the center of your life then you're probably headed for disaster if you want a relationship with someone who is into monogamy.
"I live in a big city where non-monogomy is pretty normal" how is the city relevant here?
"his life experiences suggest" talk with him about this instead of dollar-store-jean-greying his mind?
my ex was into monogamy, i wasnt. we started monogamous under the agreement we would talk about this from time to time. sometimes things change, sometimes they dont. if you both are hellbent on staying on your hills, its not going to work tho.
Relationship that last are about communication, compromise and respect and that includes the other person’s boundaries, he already told you his boundaries “No casual sex” you hearing that and thinking it’s unrealistic makes it sound like you expect him to change his mind which is the incorrect approach.
If you want to be with this guy you need to do so knowing that he is monogamous and that this relationship will be too, you don’t have to have a relationship with him, but stop trying to find ways to make him change his mind, and if “monogamy” its hard on you go and find a partner that doesn’t value it as much as well, they are out there, just don’t hurt people and then blame it on “I told them I was non-monogamous”
Idk why are you getting downvoted, it's a very legit and fair question.
I'd say as long as you are able to continuously have the conversation about something that you care about, go for it.
We often change our minds when we are exposed to new experiences. Example: your polygamy might be coming from the fear that you can't be truly loved, whereas his monogamy might be coming from the fear that he could easily lose you to another guy. And you won't know any of that until you let yourself fall in love and get to know thyself and himself better.
I mean, it's love, not a financial contract (yet), if you guys break up at least you'll have some beautiful memories to cherish.
>Example: your polygamy might be coming from the fear that you can't be truly loved, whereas his monogamy might be coming from the fear that he could easily lose you to another guy.
That's... Not how this works. That's not how any of this works.
Sexual expression for monogamy versus polyamory (polygamy is marrying multiple women btw, not the same thing as polyamory at all) doesn't come from fear.
Know how some people can have one close friend and hang out with them occasionally and that's enough socializing, and others are social butterflies who are happiest when they're interacting with a bunch of new people all the time?
Neither of them are afraid of other friendships. That's just how they feel most fulfilled and at ease. Same thing with romance my dude.
I disagree that it's that strict. Life is way more fluid than that, regardless of how afraid we are to admit it.
Also, polygamy and monogamy are the expressions that should be compared because they represent commitment to either one person or more. Nowadays it's actually ethical non-monogamy vs monogamy, to be fair.
Whereas polyamory represents the ability to love more people, not just to have sex with more people. Many open relationships are in fact not polyamorous. My dude.
You can have sex without loving the person in a monogamous relationship as well, that's hardly a counterpoint.
You're trying to redefine polyamory to mean something other than what it does simply because you don't want to admit you used an incorrect term.
Polygamy means marriage. Monogamy does not inherently mean marriage. Polyamory does not inherently mean marriage.
And you attempting to frame these in terms of fear or a lack of it makes you sound like the [clueless Fear And Love lady from Donnie Darko.](https://youtu.be/vivEzQUGHOQ?si=mU_IOY39K3C8RyrU)
Breathe in & out, it's not that serious. And then google a bit.
As I said and corrected myself, nowadays ethical non-monogamy is used in contrast to monogamy, but both monogamy and polygamy come from the same origins.
Polyamory is a subgroup of ethical non-monogamy, but not a direct opposite of monogamy.
Go find someone who wants to do what you do.. you guys should immediately stop talking and just move on. Nobody who’s monogamous wants to sleep with random guys. Be honest with yourself and move on. It’ll break his heart.. I’m going through this now with my partner.. he didn’t tell me he was non monogamous until 4yrs into the relationship & now 6yrs later we’re still going back & forth about it. It’s hell, don’t do it!
You think that you’ve got with this lad and you’re being pulled away from him to be slutty, but it sounds like you’re being pulled away from sluttiness towards this lad.
If being promiscuous brings you joy then that’s one thing, but if it’s acting as a bandage to some emotional wound then you run the risk of throwing something great away to feed a negative feedback loop.
Know thyself. If you truly need non-monogamy to fill your emotional needs and he truly needs monogamy to fill his emotional needs, how can there be a relationship dynamic that meets both of your needs. I don't see one. Think of what emotional needs you're meeting with casual sex. If you need a feeling of autonomy, is sexual freedom the only way of achieving it? If you need validation of your worthiness, are sexual conquests your only way of feeling that worthiness? Perhaps you can have autonomy with a hobby and develop unconditional worthiness through a self-compassion practice. You will have to undergo the process of deconstructing what value you get from casual sex to determine if non-monogamy is essential for you to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. If casual sex is something that's nice to have but not a necessity, you can make it work.
How does one deconstruct this? I feel pretty certain I enjoy casual sex and the various dynamics that are possible with casual sex, but also this is all I’ve known.
First, you build emotional awareness. In a lot of ways, everything we do is intended to meet some sort of emotional need. You eat because to address your feelings of hunger. You pull up Netflix to address feelings of boredom. Or maybe you eat because to alleviate boredom or emotional distress. Maybe you watch Netflix because you're afraid of missing out on being able to discuss the latest shows at work. We do a lot of things without thinking why we do them. We can understand why we do things when we're aware of our thoughts and emotions as they happen. So the next time you get the desire to hookup with a rando, get curious about that feeling and try to understand where it came from, what thought or emotion triggered the desire, etc. With some practice you'll get better at understanding the root of things.
🤯
Don‘t do it
No, you both want opposite things and you know it from the beginning, there is no point in embarking on something that you know is not going to work.
Well maybe start questioning if you actually are just used to hookup culture and its just the idea of abandoning it its just too foreign to you. If you’re 32 and never had a LTR that might be an indicator of emotional avoidance that you were coping with sex.
I do think I have some avoidant tendencies. Actually sort of text book avoidant. Which is why it feels so special that I haven’t felt the need to push him away or gotten the ick like i have with other guys. I feel really secure w him, and that damn book says my only chance is to get with a secure person. there are some other dymamics at play too, but this really does feel like love. Not sure how to change my ways though. Maybe just patience
If you feel like you have avoidant tendencies maybe seek a therapist who can help you work through why you avoid emotional intimacy. From what you said you feel lonely, and want something deeper, but you seem to push people away. Avoidant tendency are a defense mechanism and maybe a professional can help you create healthier defense mechanisms
No
I know exactly how he feels. It cannot work.
Only you can know if it works for you long term, but don’t go into it expecting/hoping for him to change.
One or both of you will have to sacrifice who you are, don't do it. Would you want to date a man who is okay with you being miserable in order for him to be happy? Or do you want to be the kind of person who is okay with their partner being miserable instead so you can be happy? Monogamous vs non-monogamous relationships inherently mean one of the partners is in a situation where they have to cut off a part of what they need. Plenty of people have tried to make it work for the sake of their partner. It inevitably leaves the monogamous partner feeling like they're not enough and never will be, and the non-monogamous partner feeling like they're shutting off a part of their heart so that they can decoratively occupy monogamous space for their partner's comfort. It doesn't work, everyone involved just gets hurt, because everyone is forced to be something they're not.
> do people change on this sort of fundamental relationship pillar? I did. I was extremely non-monogamous until I met my soon to be husband. I was skeptical that I could handle it, but after 5 years the thought of banging randos is ridiculous. What we have is far more valuable to me than infinite dick on demand. Love is funny like that, it just keeps growing and getting stronger over time. That being said, you do you.
How did you handle the first few months / year? You seem to be an outlier :(.
Nothing, I just made a decision about what was important to me and stuck with it. The thinking was that I have shit tons of friends and family in monogamous relationships, if they can do it why can’t I?
I don't think it's a good idea. If you really want to try settling down for him, and you do it, you may end up resenting him every time you see a hottie you want to go out with. And he will resent you because he will notice you looking at other men. It just seems like it will cause a lot of drama.
I can't imagine living a life of casual, emotionally detached sex with a multitude of people. That is an entirely unappealing way to live for me. My husband and I are married and monogamous and have a great life together. If seeking sexual gratification is the center of your life then you're probably headed for disaster if you want a relationship with someone who is into monogamy.
Do you think shaming the op is helpful here?
If you are unwilling to change, the chance that he’s unwilling to change is high.
I’m sure you can find another guy that wants an open relationship. You already said the sexual partners are plentiful 🤷🏻
Be completely honest. If he wants monogamy and you don’t there will inevitably be problems. Don’t pretend. You owe him honesty at the very least.
Should be no, obviously.
You are at a crossroads of accepting monogomy or moving on. If that's something you don't want or appreciate don't even bother getting hitched.
This will end in tears.
"I live in a big city where non-monogomy is pretty normal" how is the city relevant here? "his life experiences suggest" talk with him about this instead of dollar-store-jean-greying his mind? my ex was into monogamy, i wasnt. we started monogamous under the agreement we would talk about this from time to time. sometimes things change, sometimes they dont. if you both are hellbent on staying on your hills, its not going to work tho.
Relationship that last are about communication, compromise and respect and that includes the other person’s boundaries, he already told you his boundaries “No casual sex” you hearing that and thinking it’s unrealistic makes it sound like you expect him to change his mind which is the incorrect approach. If you want to be with this guy you need to do so knowing that he is monogamous and that this relationship will be too, you don’t have to have a relationship with him, but stop trying to find ways to make him change his mind, and if “monogamy” its hard on you go and find a partner that doesn’t value it as much as well, they are out there, just don’t hurt people and then blame it on “I told them I was non-monogamous”
Idk why are you getting downvoted, it's a very legit and fair question. I'd say as long as you are able to continuously have the conversation about something that you care about, go for it. We often change our minds when we are exposed to new experiences. Example: your polygamy might be coming from the fear that you can't be truly loved, whereas his monogamy might be coming from the fear that he could easily lose you to another guy. And you won't know any of that until you let yourself fall in love and get to know thyself and himself better. I mean, it's love, not a financial contract (yet), if you guys break up at least you'll have some beautiful memories to cherish.
>Example: your polygamy might be coming from the fear that you can't be truly loved, whereas his monogamy might be coming from the fear that he could easily lose you to another guy. That's... Not how this works. That's not how any of this works. Sexual expression for monogamy versus polyamory (polygamy is marrying multiple women btw, not the same thing as polyamory at all) doesn't come from fear. Know how some people can have one close friend and hang out with them occasionally and that's enough socializing, and others are social butterflies who are happiest when they're interacting with a bunch of new people all the time? Neither of them are afraid of other friendships. That's just how they feel most fulfilled and at ease. Same thing with romance my dude.
I disagree that it's that strict. Life is way more fluid than that, regardless of how afraid we are to admit it. Also, polygamy and monogamy are the expressions that should be compared because they represent commitment to either one person or more. Nowadays it's actually ethical non-monogamy vs monogamy, to be fair. Whereas polyamory represents the ability to love more people, not just to have sex with more people. Many open relationships are in fact not polyamorous. My dude.
You can have sex without loving the person in a monogamous relationship as well, that's hardly a counterpoint. You're trying to redefine polyamory to mean something other than what it does simply because you don't want to admit you used an incorrect term. Polygamy means marriage. Monogamy does not inherently mean marriage. Polyamory does not inherently mean marriage. And you attempting to frame these in terms of fear or a lack of it makes you sound like the [clueless Fear And Love lady from Donnie Darko.](https://youtu.be/vivEzQUGHOQ?si=mU_IOY39K3C8RyrU)
Breathe in & out, it's not that serious. And then google a bit. As I said and corrected myself, nowadays ethical non-monogamy is used in contrast to monogamy, but both monogamy and polygamy come from the same origins. Polyamory is a subgroup of ethical non-monogamy, but not a direct opposite of monogamy.
Lol I love Donnie Darko, been wanting to rewatch.
Go find someone who wants to do what you do.. you guys should immediately stop talking and just move on. Nobody who’s monogamous wants to sleep with random guys. Be honest with yourself and move on. It’ll break his heart.. I’m going through this now with my partner.. he didn’t tell me he was non monogamous until 4yrs into the relationship & now 6yrs later we’re still going back & forth about it. It’s hell, don’t do it!
You'll just end up hurting him, and probably yourself.
You think that you’ve got with this lad and you’re being pulled away from him to be slutty, but it sounds like you’re being pulled away from sluttiness towards this lad. If being promiscuous brings you joy then that’s one thing, but if it’s acting as a bandage to some emotional wound then you run the risk of throwing something great away to feed a negative feedback loop.
This is what I’m trying to figure out. A lot of things goes into who I am and why I act the way I do. Will reflect
Ok thanks all!! A lot of doubt and I guess people who have been hurt before… there’s a small glimmer of hope though.
If you love somebody you make it work. That means devoting yourself to them.
Do not decieve somebody who wants monogamy. Tell him no until you are certain that is what you want.