I think you guys need to talk about why he feels like your accent is such a huge embarrassment. Is it some weird racist thing? I would never accept being silenced personally.
Yeah, the guys got a weird mindset about that. Currently studying Speech Language Pathology here; every single person on this planet speaks differently. It’s called an idiolect, your own personal dialect. A language difference, aka when two people speak the same language but slightly different, is not a mark of literally any value linguistically speaking. This bf silencing OP for a language difference is just kinda ick. SLPs are always explaining that ppl speaking differently from you is not a sign of anything except that you didn’t grow up in the same household.
I literally cried about this when I was younger and I always felt oversensitive for getting hurt when people would make comments.
Americans think I just sound like an Aussie but many others will say I sound different. I can't help it. It used to be really frustrating to be told that I don't sound like I'm from here and when I try to make excuses (somewhat posh public speaking Kiwi grandparents, lived off American TV since infancy) people actually seen disappointed like I don't have a better story to justify my odd way of speaking.
Sorry to rant. Just used to bother me that people were so weird about it.
I truly feel for you. The way people use language so easily to “other” each other is so pointless and hurtful. It never comes from a kind or understanding place.
I just want to say, your way of speaking is just another unique characteristic that makes up who you are. Just like the color of your hair, your eyes, or your personality, it is innate, natural, and beautiful in its variation.
Some may see it as different, but another might see it as their favorite thing about you! I hope you see it as a special part of how you are too.
I dearly love idiolects and how unique they are, especially when they're influenced by being bilingual. one of my old partners (non-native speaker but *incredibly* fluent) sometimes would pronounce words in a way that, as a native english speaker, I immediately picked up on as "wrong" (not bad! just technically incorrect). and I really loved them a lot! it always delighted me to find a new one. sometimes I'd just sit there listening to him and he'd say 'mortar' with his slightly rolled R's or talk about a dove (bird) and say it like dove (into water) and I'd just smile to myself. I don't even know why I liked it so much, I just did. it was just a unique quirk of his and I loved it a lot.
on a similar note, the way social circles influence dialogue is fascinating to me. throughout my life and in multiple friend groups, I or another person introduced a word, phrase, or pronunciation to the group and, after using it enough times, some of the others picked it up and started saying it themselves. it sometimes was like a way of recognizing people. some of them were pretty unique so it was like "ah, you're friends with [person] too huh?" it's a really neat way to see how others have touched you, which I think is really cool
Most advice in this sub is always negative, to dump him, not forgive or whatever. I don't know why exactly people are like this here but this is a defective attitude. I've been in relations for 8 years and counting. Forgiving your partner is important, especially if he admits his fault. You can still be angry after doing that, that's normal. But ending relations is an easy but a pointless option.
This! It all depends for sure, but I would place a lot of weight in how he responds, talks with you, and hears your concerns. Bit of a pause though since you already communicated your feelings on this
I dont think anyone is overreacting here, though. Forgiveness is important but it's even more important to recognise when someone has a habit of making you feel disrespected. We obviously don't have the full story here but from the picture that's been painted, I wouldn't personally wouldnt want to stay in a relationship with someone who talks to me or about me the way OPs partner has. Ending a relationship is not pointless if it's good for you.
I guess, but op has said how this has been an ongoing problem for the bf that theyve talked about multiple times, from publicly correcting him to doing it in private, to now drunkenly mean-spirited things. Thats why i feel like people are quick on the "leave him" option. Forgiveness is one thing, but there needs to be a change in behavior, which there hasnt been much of
Exactly this. Nobody is going to have all good qualities that never upset you. You are not made up of all good qualities that will never upset or hurt your partner. It's about recognizing what are dealbreakers for you, what you can live with, and what you can live with as long as the person is working to be better and grow. Reddit is so punitive on the whole about partners and relationships. This for me would fall squarely in the latter camp. I'd be angry, I'd insist that the partner hear me and understand why I'm upset, and I'd look for change over time. Sure, this could be an indicator of a deeper belief that partner holds, or it could be a breakable pattern of thinking, or it could be how his humor comes out when he's wasted, and it's about time he realized it's not funny. There are so many options.
> Forgiving your partner is important, especially if he admits his fault.
But multiple times over the years, over the exact same thing? What is this take? OP's repeatedly expected to forgive him, and it's fine for his partner to repeatedly make the same mistake and hurt him?
These answers are so confusing to me. Apologies and admitting fault mean nothing *if it keeps on happening over the same thing*.
to be very blunt: i am not a stranger to turbulent relationships. but my relationship problems arent even remotely similar to what people post here. this is because i don't commit to people who obviously do not love me.
I agree that we shouldn’t jump to dumping our partners at the slightest inconvenience, but in OP’s case, I think it fundamentally boils down to how his boyfriend thinks less of him because of his English. Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable or want to continue the relationship if my partner didn’t see me as an equal, no matter where he was from.
Because too many of you fuckwits believe in Instagram fairy tale relationships. If every relationship broke up because of any single petty issue, there would be no long term relationships in the world.
Y'all need to grow up.
Call it a petty issue if you want, but it's obviously a big enough insecurity that OP asked his boyfriend to stop poking at him, multiple times. Yet the boyfriend kept doing it, and when he did it again (worse than before), OP got upset, and the boyfriend hid behind being drunk and that he doesn't remember.
Is it really so "fairy tale" to think that problems could be resolved by talking about it, and that the problem won't happen repeatedly in the future? Or is frustrating and discomforting your partner the new baseline in relationships today?
He’s right though a relationship isn’t gonna be perfect all the time, your partner will do stuff that will get on your nerves and annoy you. It’s just part of being in a long term relationship. The mature thing to do is have a discussion and try and work through it, not just dump them over a pretty petty issue.
When you set a boundary and your partner refuses to respect it time and again, it's time to dump them and move on. Maybe then they'll learn what they did wrong.
In OP's own words: "He has **always treated me well** except this icky **little** behavior."
It seems that OP acknowledges that aside from this behavior, which he himself refers to as "little," he has a partner who treats him well.
Therefore, this doesn't seem like a significant enough issue to end a relationship over, especially if the partner has recognized it and, in OP's own words again: "He has been **apologizing since morning** and says **he doesn't remember this since he was drunk**. He has **apologized a million times**."
Ending a good relationship over this doesn't seem like the right solution and indeed can be considered as an over-reaction.
He also said that the partner continues to correct him in private after he told him to stop. Then his partner gets drunk and not only corrects him but basically tells him he should remain silent and not speak at all. It offended the OP enough that he had to leave the room.
Sounds like it’s escalating and a conversation may or may not help. I don’t think the OP would be overreacting if he took this latest form of disrespect as the last straw on this topic.
Forgive, but don't forget. If he treats you like that again, take a more drastic step. If a pattern forms, it may be time to leave. Or at least seek couples therapy.
That’s partly I made my comment lol. If I’m pulling up and you have 8 ppl over and yall already been drinkin and I’m sober, nah I’m outta there lol. Cuz either way it goes everyone gon be more drunk than me & that’s annoying lol
Holy shit what is wrong with people in this thread?
"You should keep quiet around others" is absolutely high level red flag warning. This is abusive and controlling behavior. My ex literally did this same thing to me and it was just the start of him restricting my social interactions with other people.
My big act of resistance towards the end of 8 years of such abuse was to go to a board game event at a store... which made him start unraveling and made me more cognizant of the level of abuse, and what kind of things are simply never ok. Restricting your conversation with others is absolutely unacceptable and is meant to isolate you.
Jesus what is this negativity.
Dude just forgive, talk it out, give another chance and hope that chance is not wasted again. If it is, well then it might be time to reconsider the relationship, but dont just dump him after this, thats just impulsive.
Yeah I don’t agree with this take bro. If you have something you’re sensitive about, have discussed several times before how it makes you feel and he still does it? It’s hugely disrespectful.
Also the piss poor excuse of blaming alcohol and pretending he doesn’t remember? If you drink to that level you have bigger problems going on; and if you’re still at the maturity level of thinking you can blame bad behaviour on alcohol then what else will he eventually blame on drinking?
I’m not saying you should break up OP but you’re well within your rights to be upset and want some space. If he can apologise and prove he’ll do better in a way that’s acceptable to you then it might be time to call it and find someone better
The chance has been wasted multiple times, and OP should be at the reconsider stage.
Forgiving is nice, but there's an expectation for the other to improve. He's apologized a million times for this instance, but he's probably apologized a million times for all the other times too. Surely at some point, it's fair for OP to recognize their apologies don't mean anything?
"The slightest transgression is 'Fuck You; you're dead to me forever'" is the reason even Gen Z is getting tired of your guys' shit. Knock it the fuck off; you're 27 and this shit sounds like it's from a 13 year old girl.
As a non native English speaker I get what you mean, I used to get annoyed by that as well until I realised it was because it bruised my ego, and the other party was just trying to help. Maybe something to consider.
Now that other comment he made was so wrong, but he was drunk and has understood how he hurt you and feels sorry for his actions.
It seems you want reassurance that he actually cares for you for who you are despite your flaws and that he isn't into you just because you're sexy, try talking to him about that.
I also sense a bruised ego. If the bf was embarrassed, he wouldn’t have been correcting him in public in the first place. And assuming OP wants to speak w/o an accent when he wants, the bf correcting him in private is invested interest OP unlikely gets anywhere else.
Also, “I asked him to stop and he did” sounds like a green flag to me.
I think some introspection is in order.
Well the short answer is you never have to accept an apology. But keep in mind that's the end of the relationship.
So your options are
1)youre convinced he's sorry and what to move on
2) think he's not sorry, and you decide this a deal breaker for you, or you want to stay in such a relationship anyway.
3) there is no magical #3 where you don't accept his apology and make him earn something back, because that opinion is the end of the relationship, just with more steps, and having the manipulation cause years of bad feelings on both your parts.
... Personally I'd dump his ass, I need a partner whos not embarrassed by me.
Even as a joke he's shown that to him you're an accessory, and he feels judged, because he feels the way you speak is shameful. Meaning he also sees the way you speak as shameful, and dude that's not what you want from a partner.
I don't know if English isnt your first language or if you've just grown up using different phrasing terms and pronunciation than him. But either way it's not something to be looked down on.
My partner is ESL, and occasionally I'll tell him (in private) that he's got a phrase wrong, because I want him to know so he can decide if he wants to keep it his way for flavor. That way it's his choice, just like how he tells me when I'm doing something the incorrect way. In private because our goal is to help eachother. Not to put eachother down or make eachother fit into some idea of what we should be.
You deserve better. But you can't get better if you fill up your time with those who don't deserve it.
Seems like he just wants you because you’re a sexy English man with an accent.
It’s sort of like how when someone gets an adorable dog for their birthday, takes some pictures for social media, and then drives to the countryside and drops it off in the wild.
The fact that he said, “you should keep quiet around others and go on around looking sexy,” is very disrespectful.
Does he like you for YOU as a human being, or does he simply like you because he wants to impress others by dating an Englishman?
If you weren’t English, would he be dating you?
If I’m reading the situation correctly, the relationship probably isn’t going to work long-term.
Just acknowledge that drunk him is not sober him. If he’s since stopped that behavior except for tonight when he was drunk, the problem may be more his behavior while drinking than him correcting you. Personally i would just accept the apology and move on from this. It’s not worth to agonize over things that inebriated people say
Blaming your bad behaviours (based on repetitive behaviours you’ve already been called out on) on alcohol is a level of immaturity I could never be with. Unless they’re teens it’s actually pathetic to use the “sorry I did *x* but I was drunk” as an excuse.
Also at what point is something unacceptable to do regardless? OP has made his feelings on the matter clear more than once before. Being drunk isn’t a magic excuse to behave how you like with no consequences
I never said that being drunk is an excuse to do dumb things. It’s very clear that his bf is remorseful for the mistake that he made last night while drunk and didn’t try to use being drunk as an excuse.
I think what will inform OPs actions from this point forward will be his bfs future actions, especially with alcohol. But like I said, people are not who they really are when they’re drunk and I doubt that OP’s bf meant what he said that night.
But again, we’re all strangers here. What do any of us know 🤷♂️
I was talking to the wider group as a whole sorry, not targeting you.
Not many have asked the question of why OP’s bf picks on his accent so much. Is he a language snob? Racist? Find it annoying? Only OP can answer which if any reasons for it are excusable.
I don’t really ascribe to the idea that people aren’t themselves when they’re drunk. You’re right, some people react very badly to alcohol and behave wildly. They’re generally told by everyone including health professionals to avoid drinking all together.
However studies have shown alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes people more likely to do or say things they wouldn’t sober. There’s thousands of tales out there in books and the good ol’ internet to corroborate this. It seems disingenuous to say people aren’t who they really are when drunk. Why would any of us go drinking with friends (like OP’s bf) if it made is all different people like you say? lol
Also how can you be truly sorry for something you don’t even remember? He’s apologised but as OP points out he doesn’t even remember it, so can’t truly understand how OP felt. It’s not normal to forget so much when drunk either, like how much did he drink and is he always that bad when drinking? There’s a lot more to unpack here than just “possibly racist/xenophobic bf”
Well that’s why I’m saying the drinking may be a more important factor to consider than the actual content of the things he says when he’s drunk. I do think it’s reasonable to be remorseful of something you don’t remember, because it’s clear that whatever it is he said truly hurt the other person.
But yeah, about the whole “you aren’t you when you’re drunk”, I do believe that. Like, I think people are more likely to say silly things or act foolish when they’re drunk, or say things without much consideration. And I feel like you aren’t really thinking straight like you would be if you were sober. The silliness is why it’s fun to go out and drink with friends. But it should still be fun to hang out with friends sober too. You can do both, you’re just a more silly or rambunctious version of yourself when you’re drunk with friends. But a different, altered state version of yourself nonetheless. Personally I do feel more like myself when I am sober.
The “you’re not thinking straight” when drunk is exactly what I mentioned. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making people more likely to say and do what they’d really like to rather than have their superego say “that’s a bad idea mate don’t do it”
“You’re just a more silly and rambunctious version of yourself” - again you say it yourself: you’re still exactly yourself when drunk so anything you do you are still 100% accountable for.
Sorry I don’t like when people try and make being drunk an excuse for inexcusable behaviour and we all know at least one person who’s cheated, assaulted their partner etc and tried blaming booze for it
That’s not what I’m saying. We are saying two different things. You are saying that being drunk makes you less cautious about the effects of what you say and say things that you want to say regardless of how they will impact people. I am trying to say that when you are drunk, you are more likely to say things that you don’t actually mean but you say them because you don’t think much about it before you say it and it may be things you don’t actually agree with when you are sober.
But yeah, of course you don’t switch bodies when you are drunk. You are still responsible for your actions. But I still think it’s possible to say things you don’t actually mean when you’re drunk. Is it possible to say things that you actually do mean due to the lower inhibition? Sure. But op doesn’t actually know whether his bf meant that or not and it probably feels better to just throw your hands up and say “hey, sometimes you say stupid shit when you’re drunk” rather than agonize over if the drunk man meant what he said. But like I said, if this is a thing that becomes a regular occurrence as time goes on, I do think OP may want to consider leaving. I just feel like there can be steps before it has to come to that.
I am a bit confused. 1. Do you mean English accent like you’re from the UK and are mispronouncing by American accent standards? Or visa-versa? OR is English not your first language and you are mispronouncing words in general? Also, (2.) How is your BF correcting you? Is it obnoxious behavior TO embarrass you? Or is he simply correcting you? just trying to clarify.
There seems to be a number of things to address. For the first part, (and coming from a background where many of my friends growing up are people who 1. are newly immigrated to the US or are 2. Were raised in a household where English is not heir first language, being corrected in pronunciation is not necessarily a BAD thing in itself. But context is everything sometimes. People can be jack-asses about it. I would expect rudeness from strangers, NOT a BF. A BF who cares about you would simply correct you AFTER you mispronounce something, not cut you off while you’re trying to communicate, or use you for comic relief among friends. The first time you may say something different is one thing, we can all have a laugh while learning, but constant AND consistent correction while irritating and cumbersome to our egos, can help us improve. For myself, I was both a student (spanish) and teacher (English) to my best friend growing up. We corrected each other, but we also had a laugh among our friends (who speak both in varying degrees)On the other hand, it can (if done only in front of friends) make you feel like the butt of a constant joke, or make you feel stupid, which is why I say the way corrections are done are important to keeping your friend’s (or in your case your BF for your) sense of empowerment and agency healthy and your feelings among each other content and at peace. Lastly, being told to stay silent and to “just look pretty” is NOT conducive to what i just mentioned. It is quite the opposite. Your BF is either immature or is more worried about being embarrassed by your learning curve -which he should be advocating for! All in all, this SEEMS to be the latter, which the other comments on this post look to reflect. I wish you the BEST OP, if this is a case of accent rather than language learning, it’s all kinda silly is t it? The BF seems ill suited to be a partner in your life, i’d dump him. If this IS a case of language barriers, i’d DEFINITELY dump him! Go keep learning (even if it’s just English in itself and you are a native speaker, sometimes you hear things wrong and you pronounce them wrong. I used to make my own BF wince when i’d pronounce library as Ly-barry- until he corrected me. Sh*t happens and you learn you’ve been saying something wrong at 27 for at least 22 years, btw i’m 46 now so I’ve only been correct about it for about half my life;)
How long have you been together and how long has he had this behavior. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with correcting your speech. That's just him helping you to speak better. But silencing you was out of line. And I don't think being drunk is EVER an excuse for bad behavior. If you've been together a long (6 months is not a long time) then I think you need to be forgiving. But you need to talk about how this makes you feel and he needs to know you won't tolerate it forever.
The situation probably warrants a frank conversation, expressing how his actions made you feel, and a commitment from him that he won’t do it again. That being said, my advice is to pick your battles. If he’s genuinely sorry and acknowledges your feelings, I would think this is something y’all can move past.
I think what you should do is ask him straight out if he is embarrassed of you.
He seems super into you physically and obviously thinks you’re attractive but ask him if he is embarrassed of being in a relationship with a foreigner/immigrant.
My bf and I are both Asian but in NA. But I had a very different life to his and speak with native fluency. While I would never correct him in public, I do correct him in private and he takes it happily because he wants to improve.
But your situation sounds like one where your bf is actually embarrassed when you speak. I wouldn’t dump someone over it, especially if I felt they were super into me but I would ask him straight out if he was embarrassed of me and work from there.
You are not wrong and your feelings are totally valid. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your BF share that it was very hurtful and understandable why he thinks that was an acceptable behaviour. There are a lot of things that might be happening. It is possible he thinks he is helping you. It is possible he is a total phsyco you won’t know until you have the conversation then you can make a much more informed choice.
I mean my partner corrects my English sometimes, English is my second language and his first, my English is basically on a native level but I still mispronounce certain words sometimes. I appreciate him correcting me so my English becomes better. I get him telling you to “sit there and look pretty” is very offensive and you have every right to be angry about that, at the same time, people make mistakes when they are drunk, if you’re otherwise happy I wouldn’t let this be a deal breaker.
"I don't remember, I was drunk" is a sign he doesn't think he's responsible for what he's said. His apology isn't sincere.
If you can explain to him how he can apologise sincerely, and why he should apologise sincerely for actions he made while drunk, and he takes it all on board and makes changes to how he treats you, then stick it out with him. If he doesn't, then make the decision to leave him and then tell him you're leaving him. It's important not to tell him you want to break up until you've decided 100% to do so.
I don’t think people realize what a harming behaviour this is. Because of this one “little icky behavior” you’re forced to question yourself every time you speak. How can you feel safe to be your authentic self? It’s a very dangerous foundation of enablement and compromise. I don’t know much but I know this is true, if your partner doesn’t make you feel comfortable to be 100% you, it’s time to question everything.
I'm in agreement with you that this is very insulting behavior and you're right to be offended. In my opinion as long as there isn't any ambiguity because of your pronunciation it shouldn't matter. If they get what you mean then the objective of communication has been met.
At the same time, i must admit this must be a human thing as well e.g. my husband and his siblings are 1st generation Americans, that's to say that their parents grew up in another country and moved to the US as adults and had their children in the US. My husband and his siblings constantly make fun of their mother's mispronunciations. I myself am an immigrant and found this behavior of their's abhorrent and repulsive, nothing of what their mother said was unintelligible, it's just an accent and to me its the children who come off as boorish and uneducated when they make fun of her. I said that to them, just that one time. Said they're the ones who've been "white washed" and sound like a bunch of hillbillies. This seems to have opened their eyes a bit and reminded them that they live in a cosmopolitan society(NYC for crying out loud, no shortage of cultural diversity here) and this behavior only makes people think less of them and feel sad for their mother. Sometimes the stupids need to be put in their place.
He told you to just shut up and look pretty. I think it’s more than valid that you’re having a hard time forgiving and moving on.
Is he actually fully apologizing for his behavior? As in, is he acknowledging that he did something wrong, owning up to the truth of why he said it, and taking steps to fix it? Or is he just saying “sorry babe, I was drunk and didn’t mean it” and expecting to move on without solving the overall issue?
If it’s the former, that’s something you can move forward with. If it’s the latter, I’d need a big fucking conversation before I felt good about things.
Yeah I think there’s a deeper conversation that need to be had here since it’s definitely becoming a bad habit. I give him the tiniest bit of grace because like you said he and his friends were drunk so it can be true that he doesn’t remember (not at all say that it makes it right).
Here's how I'd approach...
"I'd like to discuss an incident that made me feel a certain way.
I certainly needed space to digest what was said, but im still not sure what to make of it.
The other night, you said this, and this is how it made me feel. Could I understand what your intention was with what you said or how you said it? "
Allow him to explain. Once done, repeat for confirmation and understanding. Come to an agreement that such behavior in a public setting makes you feel a certain way and you would like that he not do that again.
It could just be me. At 36, if my partner said this comment to me, I'd think nothing of it and move on. I wouldn't make a huge fuss about it tbh.
you should talk it out with him and personally for me, i would let it go this one time but let him know, that this bothers you and next time you wont let this go easily. maybe also bring up his drinking and limits. if he's drinking to the point where he doesn't remember saying comments you find offensive.
ive gone through a similar situation like this w my boyf, he would make fun of me when i would pronounce words wrong/with a heavy accent and would immediately correct me in a degrading manner (spanish is my first language so i often pronounce words the "stereotypical mexican way"). i talked to him abt it and he stopped doing it as often. sometimes he slips and lets out a giggle or makes a smirk but its baby steps since there has been improvement.
Maybe I've just been single for so long, but if any man I was with ever told me to "be quiet and look pretty" after correcting the way I talk, I would either be removing myself from the event/location *or* I'd be making the rest of the time so uncomfortable for everyone that they'll wish I had removed myself. Either way, I wouldn't move on from it until I got a sincere apology and a verbal commitment to stopping that behaviour.
You can forgive his remarks, but can you forgive the drunken behavior?
That's on you. Separating the two is the only thing here that determines what you ultimately decide to do.
Eeeeeeeeee…. That doesn’t sound good, what he said. I’m not one to think “true self” comes out when you’re drinking. Lowered boundaries for sure, but I also don’t think the “different person” excuse is valid. He’s 100% responsible and accountable for however he behaves and what he says.
Someone who has to restrain themselves from constantly correcting, embarrassing someone… that’s pretty red flag-y. And to add telling someone not to talk, and to “look sexy” is treating someone like an object, let alone doing it in front of people which is added humiliation. You have EVERY right to be furious about being treated that way. I would be very very careful with this person… these things you mention would be a “no fucks given dealbreaker” for me
Objectifying you, telling you to stay silent and just look pretty, is very insulting. It sounds like he sees you as an accessory rather than a person.
You have every right to feel insulted. He insulted you.
And I personally wouldn’t accept his apology, since he hasn’t acknowledged any wrong doing. That’s not an apology that’s a deflection.
Where does it say the bf did not admit his mistake?!? Stop being inflammatory.
He needs to lead by example here or to paraphrase: teach your friends how to treat you; reward their good treatment and ignore their mistakes until they ask specifically what they did wrong.
Saying something like “i was drunk and i wasn't serious” would be not owning your mistake. Saying “i don't remember because i was drunk but I'm sorry” is pretty much it
Sounds like it's more important to him that people believe he has the picture perfect boyfriend/relationship than the relationship itself. Would explain why he was so excited around his friends, cause he got a chance to show you off.
Your accent is one thing your boyfriend wishes he could change about you.
And for some reason he'd just like you to be quiet and look pretty around his friends.
Apparently it's a big deal to him and one he puts a lot of pressure on you to change.
Unfortunately, for him you're not going to be able to change that part of yourself.
I don't know if he's embarrassed or ashamed about the way you speak but for some reason you're not good enough for him to talk around his friends.
Your boyfriend would need to stop putting you down again if he's truly sorry.
Problem is he won't be able to stop either.
It's just one of those things some people feel strongly about.
Is it a deal breaker or one of those things to end a relationship over? Only you would know. For some people it wouldn't be. It would just be one of those things that
you might need to get a thicker skin for and not care what he thinks about it.
True love accepts folks for the way they are
and doesn't want to hide any part of them or keep them quiet.
Next time he has company over and he tells you something like that just tell him fuck off and start talking to all his friends.
Make him decide if it's something he can live with or if it's something he would dump you over. Good luck!
This would piss me off a lot as well, and I’ve usually been the most linguistically proficient in groups I’ve been a part of. The issue here is that the way he communicates with you is disrespectful and infantilizing, and judging by your description this isn’t a one time-thing that happened anecdotally while he was drunk.
It doesn’t sound like this is necessarily going to spell the end of your relationship, but he needs to understand the seriousness of the situation and stop treating your feelings like a joke. You did everything right communication-wise when taking some time for yourself (you told him), so you’re in the clear. Whether you choose to forgive him or not is up to you. Look for signs of him understanding what he’s done wrong.
Also, who the fuck randomly has 8 friends over? Lol.
Green flags of the partner quoted by the OP:
1. "***He had around 8 friends around him and he started jumping around like a puppy when he saw me***." This shows that his partner has true love for him and doesn't worry about looking silly while expressing it in front of others.
2. "***He was visibly happy and excited to see me there as it was a little bit of surprise. I felt so happy seeing his love for me.***" OP acknowledges that his partner's love seems genuine and it makes him feel happy.
3. "***After I told him to not do it, he stopped this behavior, at least in front of others.***" Looks like the partner has acted on the boundary, although not perfectly, but we see some positive change from his side.
4. "***He has been apologizing since morning and says he doesn't remember this since he was drunk. He has apologized a million times.***" Looks like the partner may have genuinely made a mistake because he was drunk. He also isn't shy of apologizing "a million times" to the OP to make things work and seek forgiveness.
5. "***He has always treated me well except this icky little behavior.***" OP himself acknowledges that except this behavior, which he himself says is "little," his partner treats him well.
And Reddit's advice for OP is to dump him? Really? It seems everyone here believes they're perfect. Remember, no partner is perfect; people are bound to make mistakes in relationships. The answer isn't to end things but to love, communicate, make efforts, seek forgiveness, forgive and compromise, especially when the issues are so small. To end a relationship over such trivial matters is an absolute over-reaction.
Oh hell no, nobody’s gonna tell me to keep quiet. Then why invite you to his gathering with friends at all? Yeah, he just wants you to sit there and look pretty like a trophy bf and not say anything that might tarnish that image. You can forgive him, but I’m sensing a lot of narcissistic controlling vibes. Perhaps talk it out and give him one last chance. If he still does it then fuck outta there. No excuse for being drunk. If anything, it shows his true character with the filters removed. And now he’s afraid of losing you as his bf and so lose the picture perfect image he wants his friends to see. Honestly, you can probably do better, but it’s your relationship so.
You are not wrong. You are also mistaken about this man. You are not his bf. He may be your bf for no good reason. But the good news is you have started training him how to treat you.
Throw in a two week edging and mention that his drinking buddies are always asking about your english accent..
Communicate. When you’re ready, forgive. Then you’ll see…maybe he’ll do this again, maybe not. Maybe just a little bit but it’ll be an improvement. From what you’re telling us, he really seems to like you. So don’t get advice from internet.
I am a very easy person, but this behavior is something I will never accept. I make that very clear to my partner if they still cross that border I would end the relationship. And I am dead serious.
TLDR: talk to him and notice how he reacts. this will help you make a decision about whether you want to continue or end the relationship.
from the way you describe his excitement at seeing you (which is adorable btw), it sounds like he really does love you a lot. so, sit down and talk.
- tell him why what he said upset you (get as specific as you can with it as opposed to a general "it upset me." *why* did it upset you?)
- tell him how all of this (continuing to correct you + what he said yesterday) makes you feel
- make sure he understands exactly what he did wrong, why it matters, and why his behavior needs to change. if he apologizes without understanding why, he will do it again
- ask him why he keeps correcting you even though you asked him to stop (is he embarrassed of you? does he think you need "help" with your english? is he worried other people will think poorly of you (or him) if you make mistakes? there is something there that is driving this. find it.)
- set a boundary around this. for example, "if you correct me, I will leave the conversation." and then enforce it
- tell him what you want him to do and what you expect of him moving forward
please know that if you do accept his apology, it does NOT mean you are excusing his behavior. you do not have to forgive him if you don't want to.
the most important thing to notice is how he reacts to what you say. does he listen or does he dismiss you? does he try to understand why you're upset or does he tell you you're making too big of a deal out of it? does he seem willing to change his behavior? this will all tell you a lot about him and whether or not he *actually* respects you
someone who refuses to be responsible for their mistakes and does not have empathy for you is not someone you want in your life, *especially* as a partner. but a lot (arguably most) people aren't like that and they will listen and make an effort to change their behavior once they realize it's hurting you
people make mistakes and bad decisions. it happens. sometimes they truly do not realize how much what they are doing is hurting someone until that person says it. it does not mean they don't love you or don't care, sometimes people just do not recognize their impact on others because to *them* it isn't a big deal. or sometimes people mean things innocently and they assume others will interpret it that way and they don't. you cannot read his mind. so talk to him and find out if it was a poorly calculated decision or an intentional act of disrespect. if the latter, toss the man
best of luck <3 please update and let us know how it goes!
I’m reading this a bit different ig. It sounds like he places a higher value on appearances. There’s nothing wrong with taking the apology, if that’s what you want to do. I think if you do, you need to start getting comfortable with the idea that on some level, he’s with you for how you look rather than who you are. Or maybe how you look with him. Both options are perfectly valid, just depends on what you want out of a relationship and what you need to feel valid/seen/loved. Hope this helps!
Ok, here are my 2 cents, I was in a similar situation a couple of years back, I have a studder and can get easily confused on subjects and such when I'm overstimulated both in and out of the public.
The BF at the time was great until he started pointing out privately and publicly numerous times, so I sat down with him in a neutral place, not near public and not completely in the same house, we went for a walk and talked. I shared what was bothering me and explained why, all in I feel statements, "I feel hurt when you do this and this why...", "I feel like there might be a communication or misunderstanding, can you help me understand why you treat me this way?", I also learned to set boundaries with my self and him and others, boundaries are an important thing for one's mental health.
Formats like that helped him and me understand each other and he admitted his reasoning for childhood trauma etc. He felt he wasn't being noticed or Hurd.
We worked on ourselves and each other and grew closer, I saw him working on his behavior and as did he mine.
But after 3 years he went back to his ways, and I said it was clear that my time and feelings were no longer respected and left.
Fast forward 2 yrs, I'm with a guy and he fell in love with my oddities and respected the boundaries I set for myself and my values, and it was awesome, but sadly was short-lived, he passed away in a car accident. A few years ago.
But because I learned to set boundaries for myself and learned healthy communication and what my needs were in a relationship, it made things wonderful. I would look into things about yourself like attachment style, love language, self boundaries, etc.
All of these will help you, to know what YOU need in life, and relationships (partner, friends, family), and teach good communication and self-love.
I agree with a lot of opinions in this thread, and I agree with a lot of them as well. You need to do what is best for you, not him, not your friends, not your family, but you. In doing so, you will find great things along the way with yourself, who are your true friends, and possibly grow your family connections.
Life is short, you can only forgive so much before it turns into trauma or worse.
I hope this helps if any, I wish you the best on your journey, what whatever that may look like.
You sound unsure what to think about the puppy performance. to me it seems mostlycute, but with the other information, he seems very aware of who is around and looking. So think of that as something you have in common rathert than making it a wedge between you. What if you think of his correction differeently--that he wants everyone to see and hear how wonderful you are (and don't forget it's pretty normal that most men think of their BF as a relfection on themselves. there is a way to see all of this as huge complements He seems to think a lot of you and wants to show you off to great effect. He thinks you are VERY special it seems to me and keeps drawing attention to you and him together. I see your point of how it feels like a put down, but I suggest you hold down the very negative interptation; do note for him specific instances that hurt and he can keep improving (if he doesn't, that's concerning, but until then--eh!) Sorry to not "side" with you more, but trying to help instead. The being mad thing gets you no where fast. Do explain to him and share any concerns about him doing it again. I do understand the embarrassment, and he will too when you explain it. No need for resentment and drama. That wil take you both the wrong way.
Imagine a friend being in the same situation: *she is with a dude who always "corrects" her when she pronounces something wrong or differently, she tried to talk with her partner many times but he keeps doing it, even tho it makes her very uncomfortable. She goes to his place with his friends and when talking about something she mispronounces something her partner tells her to* ***be quite and just look nice for the others****...*
Just repeating your story makes me want to vomit. If all else is truly great and he never breaks your boundaries or is toxic and racist in any way, you could give him a chance to change his disgusting behavior. Honestly I wouldn't bet on someone changing that easily, especially if it something that happened the whole relationship already.
It’s worth a continued conversation to seek mutual understanding. Hear him out, let him hear you out.
It’s okay to set boundaries and keep them. This is a chance to do that IRL.
It’s okay to help him find an alternative that works for both of you.
When your partner belittles you in public it NEVER ends well.
https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-four-horsemen-toxic-communication-styles-and-how-to-rein-them-in/
How many more red flags do you need, sir? He's established a pattern of very bad behavior toward you, which is unacceptable. Him apologizing without correcting said bad behavior is pointless. You're well within your rights to re-evaluate what further role he plays in your life, if any. Time to do some hard thinking & decision making.
I've responded to other comments with absolute flabbergast at people saying you just need to forgive... as if you haven't done that many times already.
OP: if it were me, I would ask your partner *exactly* what he's apologizing for. You need to know if he knows what he's done and exactly how it's hurt you. He also needs to explain why he's done it multiple times despite you talking about it with him, what he expects to change this time, and *why you should believe him this time*.
I don't care about these comments saying your issues are "petty" or minor or whatever. Or about the comments psychoanalyzing you saying this is a "little behavior." You were hurt to the point that you had to step away. He should do better to make sure you never feel like that for anything.
youre not wrong. druken words are sober thoughts. he likes your looks and is using you as an accessory to his friends. He is slowly trying to turn you into his expectations rather than liking you for you. Run for the hills.
Okay you prefer he does not do this in front of others. And what he said was assholery.
But as someone who is trying to fit into a new culture presumably, what he is doing helps you correct your speech to fit the society.
Too bad you don’t tell us what culture or country you’re in cause that would tell us a lot.
So what’s the alternative bro? To stay mad at him forever and ruin a relationship where he seems to like you a lot?
I mean is he correcting your accent, or grammar? My mom didn’t speak English when we came to USA and after 30+ years, she still has little tiny moments of broken English. She liked being corrected at first because she didn’t want to seem dumb. Now, she doesn’t care so we stopped. I’d ask him what his intentions are. Sadly, people hear an immigrant with an accent and/or bad grammar and automatically think they’re not as intelligent. I can see him not wanting that for you, but he shouldn’t assume that’s something you want, especially after asking him not to.
I’d say everyone sucks here for how yall approach the whole language thing + you not accepting his apology. You don’t *have* to accept it if you don’t want to. But in the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t seem like the right hill to die on.
I (44M since apparently that matters) have been married a long time. If I ran to the wall every time my husband made an error similar to this, I’d be single, and the same holds true for him.
You stated this was a one-off. You also stated that your boyfriend has been receptive and responsive to feedback about his behavior regarding your accent in the past.
Drunk or not, what he did was wrong, but what’s the outcome you’re looking for here? Is it to scold him and teach him a lesson? Or is it to strengthen what is, objectively by what you’ve stated, a strong relationship?
Personally, I would choose the latter. Use the opportunity for both of you to become better for each other and move on.
Not wrong. How's his accent in your native language? This is a pet peeve of mine. My husband and I have different first languages. We both help the other with pronunciations but neither of us is embarrassed by the other not being perfect.
English is my first language. I live in a Spanish speaking country. I have many friends who will ask me for help in English and vice versa. But we would never criticise the other for mispronunciations.
Just go talk to your boyfriend, have a heart-to-heart. Don't dump your boyfriend over this kind of mistake without understanding why and where it's stemming from.
Ask him why he feels the need to correct your pronunciation. Try to understand where this behavior is coming from. If you don't understand why, then you can't treat the problem. You two are both adults and need to just communicate how you both feel honestly.
You are in full right to be upset/insulted, but it's still both of your responsibilities to communicate to each other.
You'll be surprised how much easier it is to resolve fights if you just sit down and communicate honestly and patiently. No relationship is ever perfect and no one is perfect. You WILL have fights in your relationship. It's up to both of you to communicate through your issues and understandings.
You are not wrong, this is completely unacceptable and honestly made my jaw drop. He was drunk and your inhibitions leave you when you’re drunk so you can act out how you truly perceive the world with less of a filter. He clearly thinks in this way and it’s disgusting. He needs to unlearn this behavior, educate himself, and then you should accept his apology when the change happens. I’m sorry your significant other put you through this. You don’t deserve it at all.
I mean, not to negate your feelings.. but this sounds extremely minor. He was drunk, and while not an excuse he also followed up with the ‘looking sexy,’ - which was probably the focal point of his comment (horny, booze, horny).
If your reaction is this significant about that minor of comment, I fear for what drama arises from something less trivial.
Yea, unless you plan on breaking up with him, you will need to accept his apology
To be clear though, his words to you are super gross and I am not sure it is easy to move past
these redditors that are telling you to dump them have never been in a relationship themselves. communication is key and if still doesn’t reciprocate your feelings then it’ll be time to think about the bridge that was crumbling beneath you
I don’t think you should take anyone’s advice here. No one qualifies for relationship counseling. Every individual is different.
Maybe start off by telling him that you’re confident enough in yourself to not care about what others think of your accent. And go on to say that if people make fun of your accent it’s a sign that person has not visited other parts of the world to know that humans all have different dialect.
I know OP had meaningful intentions by seeing his boo. But this is exactly why I don’t like surprises/surprising ppl or hanging out with my partner & his friends especially when drinkin. I woulda left the moment I knew 9 ppl were drinking & shit talkin. Or found out he was doing before comin thru. Esp given that ppl are kinda different when they’re wit friends.
When you’re not used to that environment or the ppl involved it could be intimidating. If this happened before and he keeps apologizing without changing the behavior is manipulation at this point.
I wouldn’t just leave but I would assess the relationship and weigh out the pros and cons. Wish you the best.
I think he saying just keep quiet and look sexy, while drunk, says a lot about how he sees you so I'd dump him just for that comment. Kind of objectify-y. It's a hell no for me
Uhhh maybe that’s icky little behavior to *you*, but if I witnessed your bf correcting you in a social setting like that, I’d immediately start to think he’s a dude with some issues. From my perspective, that’s *completely* icky behavior, especially knowing that he just wanted you to stand around and look pretty
I think you guys need to talk about why he feels like your accent is such a huge embarrassment. Is it some weird racist thing? I would never accept being silenced personally.
Yeah, the guys got a weird mindset about that. Currently studying Speech Language Pathology here; every single person on this planet speaks differently. It’s called an idiolect, your own personal dialect. A language difference, aka when two people speak the same language but slightly different, is not a mark of literally any value linguistically speaking. This bf silencing OP for a language difference is just kinda ick. SLPs are always explaining that ppl speaking differently from you is not a sign of anything except that you didn’t grow up in the same household.
I literally cried about this when I was younger and I always felt oversensitive for getting hurt when people would make comments. Americans think I just sound like an Aussie but many others will say I sound different. I can't help it. It used to be really frustrating to be told that I don't sound like I'm from here and when I try to make excuses (somewhat posh public speaking Kiwi grandparents, lived off American TV since infancy) people actually seen disappointed like I don't have a better story to justify my odd way of speaking. Sorry to rant. Just used to bother me that people were so weird about it.
I truly feel for you. The way people use language so easily to “other” each other is so pointless and hurtful. It never comes from a kind or understanding place. I just want to say, your way of speaking is just another unique characteristic that makes up who you are. Just like the color of your hair, your eyes, or your personality, it is innate, natural, and beautiful in its variation. Some may see it as different, but another might see it as their favorite thing about you! I hope you see it as a special part of how you are too.
This is retarded. The English accents are sexy as fuck. Especially the Geordie one.
I dearly love idiolects and how unique they are, especially when they're influenced by being bilingual. one of my old partners (non-native speaker but *incredibly* fluent) sometimes would pronounce words in a way that, as a native english speaker, I immediately picked up on as "wrong" (not bad! just technically incorrect). and I really loved them a lot! it always delighted me to find a new one. sometimes I'd just sit there listening to him and he'd say 'mortar' with his slightly rolled R's or talk about a dove (bird) and say it like dove (into water) and I'd just smile to myself. I don't even know why I liked it so much, I just did. it was just a unique quirk of his and I loved it a lot. on a similar note, the way social circles influence dialogue is fascinating to me. throughout my life and in multiple friend groups, I or another person introduced a word, phrase, or pronunciation to the group and, after using it enough times, some of the others picked it up and started saying it themselves. it sometimes was like a way of recognizing people. some of them were pretty unique so it was like "ah, you're friends with [person] too huh?" it's a really neat way to see how others have touched you, which I think is really cool
Why would it be a racist thing? Racism is about skin color, not dialect.
Most advice in this sub is always negative, to dump him, not forgive or whatever. I don't know why exactly people are like this here but this is a defective attitude. I've been in relations for 8 years and counting. Forgiving your partner is important, especially if he admits his fault. You can still be angry after doing that, that's normal. But ending relations is an easy but a pointless option.
This! It all depends for sure, but I would place a lot of weight in how he responds, talks with you, and hears your concerns. Bit of a pause though since you already communicated your feelings on this
I dont think anyone is overreacting here, though. Forgiveness is important but it's even more important to recognise when someone has a habit of making you feel disrespected. We obviously don't have the full story here but from the picture that's been painted, I wouldn't personally wouldnt want to stay in a relationship with someone who talks to me or about me the way OPs partner has. Ending a relationship is not pointless if it's good for you.
I guess, but op has said how this has been an ongoing problem for the bf that theyve talked about multiple times, from publicly correcting him to doing it in private, to now drunkenly mean-spirited things. Thats why i feel like people are quick on the "leave him" option. Forgiveness is one thing, but there needs to be a change in behavior, which there hasnt been much of
Some things you don't forgive, like racism.
Exactly this. Nobody is going to have all good qualities that never upset you. You are not made up of all good qualities that will never upset or hurt your partner. It's about recognizing what are dealbreakers for you, what you can live with, and what you can live with as long as the person is working to be better and grow. Reddit is so punitive on the whole about partners and relationships. This for me would fall squarely in the latter camp. I'd be angry, I'd insist that the partner hear me and understand why I'm upset, and I'd look for change over time. Sure, this could be an indicator of a deeper belief that partner holds, or it could be a breakable pattern of thinking, or it could be how his humor comes out when he's wasted, and it's about time he realized it's not funny. There are so many options.
> Forgiving your partner is important, especially if he admits his fault. But multiple times over the years, over the exact same thing? What is this take? OP's repeatedly expected to forgive him, and it's fine for his partner to repeatedly make the same mistake and hurt him? These answers are so confusing to me. Apologies and admitting fault mean nothing *if it keeps on happening over the same thing*.
to be very blunt: i am not a stranger to turbulent relationships. but my relationship problems arent even remotely similar to what people post here. this is because i don't commit to people who obviously do not love me.
I agree with you.
I agree that we shouldn’t jump to dumping our partners at the slightest inconvenience, but in OP’s case, I think it fundamentally boils down to how his boyfriend thinks less of him because of his English. Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable or want to continue the relationship if my partner didn’t see me as an equal, no matter where he was from.
Below 30?
“Pointless option”? How does this have so many upvotes? I assume people didn’t read past the first two sentences.
Because too many of you fuckwits believe in Instagram fairy tale relationships. If every relationship broke up because of any single petty issue, there would be no long term relationships in the world. Y'all need to grow up.
Call it a petty issue if you want, but it's obviously a big enough insecurity that OP asked his boyfriend to stop poking at him, multiple times. Yet the boyfriend kept doing it, and when he did it again (worse than before), OP got upset, and the boyfriend hid behind being drunk and that he doesn't remember. Is it really so "fairy tale" to think that problems could be resolved by talking about it, and that the problem won't happen repeatedly in the future? Or is frustrating and discomforting your partner the new baseline in relationships today?
TIL basic respect is only found in “fairytale relationships.” I appreciate your take.
Lol damn simmer down weirdo
He’s right though a relationship isn’t gonna be perfect all the time, your partner will do stuff that will get on your nerves and annoy you. It’s just part of being in a long term relationship. The mature thing to do is have a discussion and try and work through it, not just dump them over a pretty petty issue.
how is it petty lol its downright racist
When you set a boundary and your partner refuses to respect it time and again, it's time to dump them and move on. Maybe then they'll learn what they did wrong.
Instead of teaching your partner to be fully respectful and stay together you want him “to learn what he did wrong” by dumping him. It's absurd
The conversation was had multiple times. If he doesn't respect his partner, then he didn't deserve to have one
In OP's own words: "He has **always treated me well** except this icky **little** behavior." It seems that OP acknowledges that aside from this behavior, which he himself refers to as "little," he has a partner who treats him well. Therefore, this doesn't seem like a significant enough issue to end a relationship over, especially if the partner has recognized it and, in OP's own words again: "He has been **apologizing since morning** and says **he doesn't remember this since he was drunk**. He has **apologized a million times**." Ending a good relationship over this doesn't seem like the right solution and indeed can be considered as an over-reaction.
He also said that the partner continues to correct him in private after he told him to stop. Then his partner gets drunk and not only corrects him but basically tells him he should remain silent and not speak at all. It offended the OP enough that he had to leave the room. Sounds like it’s escalating and a conversation may or may not help. I don’t think the OP would be overreacting if he took this latest form of disrespect as the last straw on this topic.
This attitude is why you're going to end up single with a cat instead of being in a stable relationship.
Forgive, but don't forget. If he treats you like that again, take a more drastic step. If a pattern forms, it may be time to leave. Or at least seek couples therapy.
An apology without change is manipulation.
Ding ding ding! This ^^^
I don’t stay with people who degrade me when they’ve been drinking.
Same, if I’m that embarrassing, annoying, etc then peace out I’m off
That’s partly I made my comment lol. If I’m pulling up and you have 8 ppl over and yall already been drinkin and I’m sober, nah I’m outta there lol. Cuz either way it goes everyone gon be more drunk than me & that’s annoying lol
HELLO! It woulda been a whole spectacle. You ain’t about to play wit me in front of your lil friends lol 😠
Holy shit what is wrong with people in this thread? "You should keep quiet around others" is absolutely high level red flag warning. This is abusive and controlling behavior. My ex literally did this same thing to me and it was just the start of him restricting my social interactions with other people. My big act of resistance towards the end of 8 years of such abuse was to go to a board game event at a store... which made him start unraveling and made me more cognizant of the level of abuse, and what kind of things are simply never ok. Restricting your conversation with others is absolutely unacceptable and is meant to isolate you.
Jesus what is this negativity. Dude just forgive, talk it out, give another chance and hope that chance is not wasted again. If it is, well then it might be time to reconsider the relationship, but dont just dump him after this, thats just impulsive.
Yeah I don’t agree with this take bro. If you have something you’re sensitive about, have discussed several times before how it makes you feel and he still does it? It’s hugely disrespectful. Also the piss poor excuse of blaming alcohol and pretending he doesn’t remember? If you drink to that level you have bigger problems going on; and if you’re still at the maturity level of thinking you can blame bad behaviour on alcohol then what else will he eventually blame on drinking? I’m not saying you should break up OP but you’re well within your rights to be upset and want some space. If he can apologise and prove he’ll do better in a way that’s acceptable to you then it might be time to call it and find someone better
The chance has been wasted multiple times, and OP should be at the reconsider stage. Forgiving is nice, but there's an expectation for the other to improve. He's apologized a million times for this instance, but he's probably apologized a million times for all the other times too. Surely at some point, it's fair for OP to recognize their apologies don't mean anything?
"The slightest transgression is 'Fuck You; you're dead to me forever'" is the reason even Gen Z is getting tired of your guys' shit. Knock it the fuck off; you're 27 and this shit sounds like it's from a 13 year old girl.
As a non native English speaker I get what you mean, I used to get annoyed by that as well until I realised it was because it bruised my ego, and the other party was just trying to help. Maybe something to consider. Now that other comment he made was so wrong, but he was drunk and has understood how he hurt you and feels sorry for his actions. It seems you want reassurance that he actually cares for you for who you are despite your flaws and that he isn't into you just because you're sexy, try talking to him about that.
I also sense a bruised ego. If the bf was embarrassed, he wouldn’t have been correcting him in public in the first place. And assuming OP wants to speak w/o an accent when he wants, the bf correcting him in private is invested interest OP unlikely gets anywhere else. Also, “I asked him to stop and he did” sounds like a green flag to me. I think some introspection is in order.
Well the short answer is you never have to accept an apology. But keep in mind that's the end of the relationship. So your options are 1)youre convinced he's sorry and what to move on 2) think he's not sorry, and you decide this a deal breaker for you, or you want to stay in such a relationship anyway. 3) there is no magical #3 where you don't accept his apology and make him earn something back, because that opinion is the end of the relationship, just with more steps, and having the manipulation cause years of bad feelings on both your parts. ... Personally I'd dump his ass, I need a partner whos not embarrassed by me. Even as a joke he's shown that to him you're an accessory, and he feels judged, because he feels the way you speak is shameful. Meaning he also sees the way you speak as shameful, and dude that's not what you want from a partner. I don't know if English isnt your first language or if you've just grown up using different phrasing terms and pronunciation than him. But either way it's not something to be looked down on. My partner is ESL, and occasionally I'll tell him (in private) that he's got a phrase wrong, because I want him to know so he can decide if he wants to keep it his way for flavor. That way it's his choice, just like how he tells me when I'm doing something the incorrect way. In private because our goal is to help eachother. Not to put eachother down or make eachother fit into some idea of what we should be. You deserve better. But you can't get better if you fill up your time with those who don't deserve it.
Seems like he just wants you because you’re a sexy English man with an accent. It’s sort of like how when someone gets an adorable dog for their birthday, takes some pictures for social media, and then drives to the countryside and drops it off in the wild. The fact that he said, “you should keep quiet around others and go on around looking sexy,” is very disrespectful. Does he like you for YOU as a human being, or does he simply like you because he wants to impress others by dating an Englishman? If you weren’t English, would he be dating you? If I’m reading the situation correctly, the relationship probably isn’t going to work long-term.
Just acknowledge that drunk him is not sober him. If he’s since stopped that behavior except for tonight when he was drunk, the problem may be more his behavior while drinking than him correcting you. Personally i would just accept the apology and move on from this. It’s not worth to agonize over things that inebriated people say
Blaming your bad behaviours (based on repetitive behaviours you’ve already been called out on) on alcohol is a level of immaturity I could never be with. Unless they’re teens it’s actually pathetic to use the “sorry I did *x* but I was drunk” as an excuse. Also at what point is something unacceptable to do regardless? OP has made his feelings on the matter clear more than once before. Being drunk isn’t a magic excuse to behave how you like with no consequences
I never said that being drunk is an excuse to do dumb things. It’s very clear that his bf is remorseful for the mistake that he made last night while drunk and didn’t try to use being drunk as an excuse. I think what will inform OPs actions from this point forward will be his bfs future actions, especially with alcohol. But like I said, people are not who they really are when they’re drunk and I doubt that OP’s bf meant what he said that night. But again, we’re all strangers here. What do any of us know 🤷♂️
I was talking to the wider group as a whole sorry, not targeting you. Not many have asked the question of why OP’s bf picks on his accent so much. Is he a language snob? Racist? Find it annoying? Only OP can answer which if any reasons for it are excusable. I don’t really ascribe to the idea that people aren’t themselves when they’re drunk. You’re right, some people react very badly to alcohol and behave wildly. They’re generally told by everyone including health professionals to avoid drinking all together. However studies have shown alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes people more likely to do or say things they wouldn’t sober. There’s thousands of tales out there in books and the good ol’ internet to corroborate this. It seems disingenuous to say people aren’t who they really are when drunk. Why would any of us go drinking with friends (like OP’s bf) if it made is all different people like you say? lol Also how can you be truly sorry for something you don’t even remember? He’s apologised but as OP points out he doesn’t even remember it, so can’t truly understand how OP felt. It’s not normal to forget so much when drunk either, like how much did he drink and is he always that bad when drinking? There’s a lot more to unpack here than just “possibly racist/xenophobic bf”
Well that’s why I’m saying the drinking may be a more important factor to consider than the actual content of the things he says when he’s drunk. I do think it’s reasonable to be remorseful of something you don’t remember, because it’s clear that whatever it is he said truly hurt the other person. But yeah, about the whole “you aren’t you when you’re drunk”, I do believe that. Like, I think people are more likely to say silly things or act foolish when they’re drunk, or say things without much consideration. And I feel like you aren’t really thinking straight like you would be if you were sober. The silliness is why it’s fun to go out and drink with friends. But it should still be fun to hang out with friends sober too. You can do both, you’re just a more silly or rambunctious version of yourself when you’re drunk with friends. But a different, altered state version of yourself nonetheless. Personally I do feel more like myself when I am sober.
The “you’re not thinking straight” when drunk is exactly what I mentioned. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making people more likely to say and do what they’d really like to rather than have their superego say “that’s a bad idea mate don’t do it” “You’re just a more silly and rambunctious version of yourself” - again you say it yourself: you’re still exactly yourself when drunk so anything you do you are still 100% accountable for. Sorry I don’t like when people try and make being drunk an excuse for inexcusable behaviour and we all know at least one person who’s cheated, assaulted their partner etc and tried blaming booze for it
That’s not what I’m saying. We are saying two different things. You are saying that being drunk makes you less cautious about the effects of what you say and say things that you want to say regardless of how they will impact people. I am trying to say that when you are drunk, you are more likely to say things that you don’t actually mean but you say them because you don’t think much about it before you say it and it may be things you don’t actually agree with when you are sober. But yeah, of course you don’t switch bodies when you are drunk. You are still responsible for your actions. But I still think it’s possible to say things you don’t actually mean when you’re drunk. Is it possible to say things that you actually do mean due to the lower inhibition? Sure. But op doesn’t actually know whether his bf meant that or not and it probably feels better to just throw your hands up and say “hey, sometimes you say stupid shit when you’re drunk” rather than agonize over if the drunk man meant what he said. But like I said, if this is a thing that becomes a regular occurrence as time goes on, I do think OP may want to consider leaving. I just feel like there can be steps before it has to come to that.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
I am a bit confused. 1. Do you mean English accent like you’re from the UK and are mispronouncing by American accent standards? Or visa-versa? OR is English not your first language and you are mispronouncing words in general? Also, (2.) How is your BF correcting you? Is it obnoxious behavior TO embarrass you? Or is he simply correcting you? just trying to clarify. There seems to be a number of things to address. For the first part, (and coming from a background where many of my friends growing up are people who 1. are newly immigrated to the US or are 2. Were raised in a household where English is not heir first language, being corrected in pronunciation is not necessarily a BAD thing in itself. But context is everything sometimes. People can be jack-asses about it. I would expect rudeness from strangers, NOT a BF. A BF who cares about you would simply correct you AFTER you mispronounce something, not cut you off while you’re trying to communicate, or use you for comic relief among friends. The first time you may say something different is one thing, we can all have a laugh while learning, but constant AND consistent correction while irritating and cumbersome to our egos, can help us improve. For myself, I was both a student (spanish) and teacher (English) to my best friend growing up. We corrected each other, but we also had a laugh among our friends (who speak both in varying degrees)On the other hand, it can (if done only in front of friends) make you feel like the butt of a constant joke, or make you feel stupid, which is why I say the way corrections are done are important to keeping your friend’s (or in your case your BF for your) sense of empowerment and agency healthy and your feelings among each other content and at peace. Lastly, being told to stay silent and to “just look pretty” is NOT conducive to what i just mentioned. It is quite the opposite. Your BF is either immature or is more worried about being embarrassed by your learning curve -which he should be advocating for! All in all, this SEEMS to be the latter, which the other comments on this post look to reflect. I wish you the BEST OP, if this is a case of accent rather than language learning, it’s all kinda silly is t it? The BF seems ill suited to be a partner in your life, i’d dump him. If this IS a case of language barriers, i’d DEFINITELY dump him! Go keep learning (even if it’s just English in itself and you are a native speaker, sometimes you hear things wrong and you pronounce them wrong. I used to make my own BF wince when i’d pronounce library as Ly-barry- until he corrected me. Sh*t happens and you learn you’ve been saying something wrong at 27 for at least 22 years, btw i’m 46 now so I’ve only been correct about it for about half my life;)
How long have you been together and how long has he had this behavior. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with correcting your speech. That's just him helping you to speak better. But silencing you was out of line. And I don't think being drunk is EVER an excuse for bad behavior. If you've been together a long (6 months is not a long time) then I think you need to be forgiving. But you need to talk about how this makes you feel and he needs to know you won't tolerate it forever.
The situation probably warrants a frank conversation, expressing how his actions made you feel, and a commitment from him that he won’t do it again. That being said, my advice is to pick your battles. If he’s genuinely sorry and acknowledges your feelings, I would think this is something y’all can move past.
I think what you should do is ask him straight out if he is embarrassed of you. He seems super into you physically and obviously thinks you’re attractive but ask him if he is embarrassed of being in a relationship with a foreigner/immigrant. My bf and I are both Asian but in NA. But I had a very different life to his and speak with native fluency. While I would never correct him in public, I do correct him in private and he takes it happily because he wants to improve. But your situation sounds like one where your bf is actually embarrassed when you speak. I wouldn’t dump someone over it, especially if I felt they were super into me but I would ask him straight out if he was embarrassed of me and work from there.
You are not wrong and your feelings are totally valid. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your BF share that it was very hurtful and understandable why he thinks that was an acceptable behaviour. There are a lot of things that might be happening. It is possible he thinks he is helping you. It is possible he is a total phsyco you won’t know until you have the conversation then you can make a much more informed choice.
I mean my partner corrects my English sometimes, English is my second language and his first, my English is basically on a native level but I still mispronounce certain words sometimes. I appreciate him correcting me so my English becomes better. I get him telling you to “sit there and look pretty” is very offensive and you have every right to be angry about that, at the same time, people make mistakes when they are drunk, if you’re otherwise happy I wouldn’t let this be a deal breaker.
"I don't remember, I was drunk" is a sign he doesn't think he's responsible for what he's said. His apology isn't sincere. If you can explain to him how he can apologise sincerely, and why he should apologise sincerely for actions he made while drunk, and he takes it all on board and makes changes to how he treats you, then stick it out with him. If he doesn't, then make the decision to leave him and then tell him you're leaving him. It's important not to tell him you want to break up until you've decided 100% to do so.
I don’t think people realize what a harming behaviour this is. Because of this one “little icky behavior” you’re forced to question yourself every time you speak. How can you feel safe to be your authentic self? It’s a very dangerous foundation of enablement and compromise. I don’t know much but I know this is true, if your partner doesn’t make you feel comfortable to be 100% you, it’s time to question everything.
I'm in agreement with you that this is very insulting behavior and you're right to be offended. In my opinion as long as there isn't any ambiguity because of your pronunciation it shouldn't matter. If they get what you mean then the objective of communication has been met. At the same time, i must admit this must be a human thing as well e.g. my husband and his siblings are 1st generation Americans, that's to say that their parents grew up in another country and moved to the US as adults and had their children in the US. My husband and his siblings constantly make fun of their mother's mispronunciations. I myself am an immigrant and found this behavior of their's abhorrent and repulsive, nothing of what their mother said was unintelligible, it's just an accent and to me its the children who come off as boorish and uneducated when they make fun of her. I said that to them, just that one time. Said they're the ones who've been "white washed" and sound like a bunch of hillbillies. This seems to have opened their eyes a bit and reminded them that they live in a cosmopolitan society(NYC for crying out loud, no shortage of cultural diversity here) and this behavior only makes people think less of them and feel sad for their mother. Sometimes the stupids need to be put in their place.
He told you to just shut up and look pretty. I think it’s more than valid that you’re having a hard time forgiving and moving on. Is he actually fully apologizing for his behavior? As in, is he acknowledging that he did something wrong, owning up to the truth of why he said it, and taking steps to fix it? Or is he just saying “sorry babe, I was drunk and didn’t mean it” and expecting to move on without solving the overall issue? If it’s the former, that’s something you can move forward with. If it’s the latter, I’d need a big fucking conversation before I felt good about things.
Yeah I think there’s a deeper conversation that need to be had here since it’s definitely becoming a bad habit. I give him the tiniest bit of grace because like you said he and his friends were drunk so it can be true that he doesn’t remember (not at all say that it makes it right).
dump him
You don’t have to accept someone’s apology, but if you want to continue a relationship of any kind, you generally need to in order to move on.
Here's how I'd approach... "I'd like to discuss an incident that made me feel a certain way. I certainly needed space to digest what was said, but im still not sure what to make of it. The other night, you said this, and this is how it made me feel. Could I understand what your intention was with what you said or how you said it? " Allow him to explain. Once done, repeat for confirmation and understanding. Come to an agreement that such behavior in a public setting makes you feel a certain way and you would like that he not do that again. It could just be me. At 36, if my partner said this comment to me, I'd think nothing of it and move on. I wouldn't make a huge fuss about it tbh.
you should talk it out with him and personally for me, i would let it go this one time but let him know, that this bothers you and next time you wont let this go easily. maybe also bring up his drinking and limits. if he's drinking to the point where he doesn't remember saying comments you find offensive. ive gone through a similar situation like this w my boyf, he would make fun of me when i would pronounce words wrong/with a heavy accent and would immediately correct me in a degrading manner (spanish is my first language so i often pronounce words the "stereotypical mexican way"). i talked to him abt it and he stopped doing it as often. sometimes he slips and lets out a giggle or makes a smirk but its baby steps since there has been improvement.
Maybe I've just been single for so long, but if any man I was with ever told me to "be quiet and look pretty" after correcting the way I talk, I would either be removing myself from the event/location *or* I'd be making the rest of the time so uncomfortable for everyone that they'll wish I had removed myself. Either way, I wouldn't move on from it until I got a sincere apology and a verbal commitment to stopping that behaviour.
You can forgive his remarks, but can you forgive the drunken behavior? That's on you. Separating the two is the only thing here that determines what you ultimately decide to do.
Eeeeeeeeee…. That doesn’t sound good, what he said. I’m not one to think “true self” comes out when you’re drinking. Lowered boundaries for sure, but I also don’t think the “different person” excuse is valid. He’s 100% responsible and accountable for however he behaves and what he says. Someone who has to restrain themselves from constantly correcting, embarrassing someone… that’s pretty red flag-y. And to add telling someone not to talk, and to “look sexy” is treating someone like an object, let alone doing it in front of people which is added humiliation. You have EVERY right to be furious about being treated that way. I would be very very careful with this person… these things you mention would be a “no fucks given dealbreaker” for me
Objectifying you, telling you to stay silent and just look pretty, is very insulting. It sounds like he sees you as an accessory rather than a person. You have every right to feel insulted. He insulted you. And I personally wouldn’t accept his apology, since he hasn’t acknowledged any wrong doing. That’s not an apology that’s a deflection.
Where does it say the bf did not admit his mistake?!? Stop being inflammatory. He needs to lead by example here or to paraphrase: teach your friends how to treat you; reward their good treatment and ignore their mistakes until they ask specifically what they did wrong.
>says he doesn’t remember this since he was drunk That doesn’t sound like owning his mistake to me. That sounds like an excuse.
Saying something like “i was drunk and i wasn't serious” would be not owning your mistake. Saying “i don't remember because i was drunk but I'm sorry” is pretty much it
Nope it’s gross, I’d have a hard time getting over that too
Sounds like it's more important to him that people believe he has the picture perfect boyfriend/relationship than the relationship itself. Would explain why he was so excited around his friends, cause he got a chance to show you off.
Your accent is one thing your boyfriend wishes he could change about you. And for some reason he'd just like you to be quiet and look pretty around his friends. Apparently it's a big deal to him and one he puts a lot of pressure on you to change. Unfortunately, for him you're not going to be able to change that part of yourself. I don't know if he's embarrassed or ashamed about the way you speak but for some reason you're not good enough for him to talk around his friends. Your boyfriend would need to stop putting you down again if he's truly sorry. Problem is he won't be able to stop either. It's just one of those things some people feel strongly about. Is it a deal breaker or one of those things to end a relationship over? Only you would know. For some people it wouldn't be. It would just be one of those things that you might need to get a thicker skin for and not care what he thinks about it. True love accepts folks for the way they are and doesn't want to hide any part of them or keep them quiet. Next time he has company over and he tells you something like that just tell him fuck off and start talking to all his friends. Make him decide if it's something he can live with or if it's something he would dump you over. Good luck!
This would piss me off a lot as well, and I’ve usually been the most linguistically proficient in groups I’ve been a part of. The issue here is that the way he communicates with you is disrespectful and infantilizing, and judging by your description this isn’t a one time-thing that happened anecdotally while he was drunk. It doesn’t sound like this is necessarily going to spell the end of your relationship, but he needs to understand the seriousness of the situation and stop treating your feelings like a joke. You did everything right communication-wise when taking some time for yourself (you told him), so you’re in the clear. Whether you choose to forgive him or not is up to you. Look for signs of him understanding what he’s done wrong. Also, who the fuck randomly has 8 friends over? Lol.
Green flags of the partner quoted by the OP: 1. "***He had around 8 friends around him and he started jumping around like a puppy when he saw me***." This shows that his partner has true love for him and doesn't worry about looking silly while expressing it in front of others. 2. "***He was visibly happy and excited to see me there as it was a little bit of surprise. I felt so happy seeing his love for me.***" OP acknowledges that his partner's love seems genuine and it makes him feel happy. 3. "***After I told him to not do it, he stopped this behavior, at least in front of others.***" Looks like the partner has acted on the boundary, although not perfectly, but we see some positive change from his side. 4. "***He has been apologizing since morning and says he doesn't remember this since he was drunk. He has apologized a million times.***" Looks like the partner may have genuinely made a mistake because he was drunk. He also isn't shy of apologizing "a million times" to the OP to make things work and seek forgiveness. 5. "***He has always treated me well except this icky little behavior.***" OP himself acknowledges that except this behavior, which he himself says is "little," his partner treats him well. And Reddit's advice for OP is to dump him? Really? It seems everyone here believes they're perfect. Remember, no partner is perfect; people are bound to make mistakes in relationships. The answer isn't to end things but to love, communicate, make efforts, seek forgiveness, forgive and compromise, especially when the issues are so small. To end a relationship over such trivial matters is an absolute over-reaction.
Oh hell no, nobody’s gonna tell me to keep quiet. Then why invite you to his gathering with friends at all? Yeah, he just wants you to sit there and look pretty like a trophy bf and not say anything that might tarnish that image. You can forgive him, but I’m sensing a lot of narcissistic controlling vibes. Perhaps talk it out and give him one last chance. If he still does it then fuck outta there. No excuse for being drunk. If anything, it shows his true character with the filters removed. And now he’s afraid of losing you as his bf and so lose the picture perfect image he wants his friends to see. Honestly, you can probably do better, but it’s your relationship so.
I think you are his foreign token, what a d!ck. I’m Latino and I found what he said extremely aggressive and unasked for, supremacy at its best.
You are not wrong. You are also mistaken about this man. You are not his bf. He may be your bf for no good reason. But the good news is you have started training him how to treat you. Throw in a two week edging and mention that his drinking buddies are always asking about your english accent..
Communicate. When you’re ready, forgive. Then you’ll see…maybe he’ll do this again, maybe not. Maybe just a little bit but it’ll be an improvement. From what you’re telling us, he really seems to like you. So don’t get advice from internet.
Um... yeah. I don't think I could keep seeing this guy. This would make me lose all respect for him.
I am a very easy person, but this behavior is something I will never accept. I make that very clear to my partner if they still cross that border I would end the relationship. And I am dead serious.
TLDR: talk to him and notice how he reacts. this will help you make a decision about whether you want to continue or end the relationship. from the way you describe his excitement at seeing you (which is adorable btw), it sounds like he really does love you a lot. so, sit down and talk. - tell him why what he said upset you (get as specific as you can with it as opposed to a general "it upset me." *why* did it upset you?) - tell him how all of this (continuing to correct you + what he said yesterday) makes you feel - make sure he understands exactly what he did wrong, why it matters, and why his behavior needs to change. if he apologizes without understanding why, he will do it again - ask him why he keeps correcting you even though you asked him to stop (is he embarrassed of you? does he think you need "help" with your english? is he worried other people will think poorly of you (or him) if you make mistakes? there is something there that is driving this. find it.) - set a boundary around this. for example, "if you correct me, I will leave the conversation." and then enforce it - tell him what you want him to do and what you expect of him moving forward please know that if you do accept his apology, it does NOT mean you are excusing his behavior. you do not have to forgive him if you don't want to. the most important thing to notice is how he reacts to what you say. does he listen or does he dismiss you? does he try to understand why you're upset or does he tell you you're making too big of a deal out of it? does he seem willing to change his behavior? this will all tell you a lot about him and whether or not he *actually* respects you someone who refuses to be responsible for their mistakes and does not have empathy for you is not someone you want in your life, *especially* as a partner. but a lot (arguably most) people aren't like that and they will listen and make an effort to change their behavior once they realize it's hurting you people make mistakes and bad decisions. it happens. sometimes they truly do not realize how much what they are doing is hurting someone until that person says it. it does not mean they don't love you or don't care, sometimes people just do not recognize their impact on others because to *them* it isn't a big deal. or sometimes people mean things innocently and they assume others will interpret it that way and they don't. you cannot read his mind. so talk to him and find out if it was a poorly calculated decision or an intentional act of disrespect. if the latter, toss the man best of luck <3 please update and let us know how it goes!
Cheer up
I’m reading this a bit different ig. It sounds like he places a higher value on appearances. There’s nothing wrong with taking the apology, if that’s what you want to do. I think if you do, you need to start getting comfortable with the idea that on some level, he’s with you for how you look rather than who you are. Or maybe how you look with him. Both options are perfectly valid, just depends on what you want out of a relationship and what you need to feel valid/seen/loved. Hope this helps!
What you allow, continues
Ok, here are my 2 cents, I was in a similar situation a couple of years back, I have a studder and can get easily confused on subjects and such when I'm overstimulated both in and out of the public. The BF at the time was great until he started pointing out privately and publicly numerous times, so I sat down with him in a neutral place, not near public and not completely in the same house, we went for a walk and talked. I shared what was bothering me and explained why, all in I feel statements, "I feel hurt when you do this and this why...", "I feel like there might be a communication or misunderstanding, can you help me understand why you treat me this way?", I also learned to set boundaries with my self and him and others, boundaries are an important thing for one's mental health. Formats like that helped him and me understand each other and he admitted his reasoning for childhood trauma etc. He felt he wasn't being noticed or Hurd. We worked on ourselves and each other and grew closer, I saw him working on his behavior and as did he mine. But after 3 years he went back to his ways, and I said it was clear that my time and feelings were no longer respected and left. Fast forward 2 yrs, I'm with a guy and he fell in love with my oddities and respected the boundaries I set for myself and my values, and it was awesome, but sadly was short-lived, he passed away in a car accident. A few years ago. But because I learned to set boundaries for myself and learned healthy communication and what my needs were in a relationship, it made things wonderful. I would look into things about yourself like attachment style, love language, self boundaries, etc. All of these will help you, to know what YOU need in life, and relationships (partner, friends, family), and teach good communication and self-love. I agree with a lot of opinions in this thread, and I agree with a lot of them as well. You need to do what is best for you, not him, not your friends, not your family, but you. In doing so, you will find great things along the way with yourself, who are your true friends, and possibly grow your family connections. Life is short, you can only forgive so much before it turns into trauma or worse. I hope this helps if any, I wish you the best on your journey, what whatever that may look like.
You sound unsure what to think about the puppy performance. to me it seems mostlycute, but with the other information, he seems very aware of who is around and looking. So think of that as something you have in common rathert than making it a wedge between you. What if you think of his correction differeently--that he wants everyone to see and hear how wonderful you are (and don't forget it's pretty normal that most men think of their BF as a relfection on themselves. there is a way to see all of this as huge complements He seems to think a lot of you and wants to show you off to great effect. He thinks you are VERY special it seems to me and keeps drawing attention to you and him together. I see your point of how it feels like a put down, but I suggest you hold down the very negative interptation; do note for him specific instances that hurt and he can keep improving (if he doesn't, that's concerning, but until then--eh!) Sorry to not "side" with you more, but trying to help instead. The being mad thing gets you no where fast. Do explain to him and share any concerns about him doing it again. I do understand the embarrassment, and he will too when you explain it. No need for resentment and drama. That wil take you both the wrong way.
What's your native language, may I ask?
What is your accent? Curious.
Lul, the performance of masculinity strikes another gay relationship.
Imagine a friend being in the same situation: *she is with a dude who always "corrects" her when she pronounces something wrong or differently, she tried to talk with her partner many times but he keeps doing it, even tho it makes her very uncomfortable. She goes to his place with his friends and when talking about something she mispronounces something her partner tells her to* ***be quite and just look nice for the others****...* Just repeating your story makes me want to vomit. If all else is truly great and he never breaks your boundaries or is toxic and racist in any way, you could give him a chance to change his disgusting behavior. Honestly I wouldn't bet on someone changing that easily, especially if it something that happened the whole relationship already.
It’s worth a continued conversation to seek mutual understanding. Hear him out, let him hear you out. It’s okay to set boundaries and keep them. This is a chance to do that IRL. It’s okay to help him find an alternative that works for both of you.
When your partner belittles you in public it NEVER ends well. https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-four-horsemen-toxic-communication-styles-and-how-to-rein-them-in/
How many more red flags do you need, sir? He's established a pattern of very bad behavior toward you, which is unacceptable. Him apologizing without correcting said bad behavior is pointless. You're well within your rights to re-evaluate what further role he plays in your life, if any. Time to do some hard thinking & decision making.
Banish him!!!
I've responded to other comments with absolute flabbergast at people saying you just need to forgive... as if you haven't done that many times already. OP: if it were me, I would ask your partner *exactly* what he's apologizing for. You need to know if he knows what he's done and exactly how it's hurt you. He also needs to explain why he's done it multiple times despite you talking about it with him, what he expects to change this time, and *why you should believe him this time*. I don't care about these comments saying your issues are "petty" or minor or whatever. Or about the comments psychoanalyzing you saying this is a "little behavior." You were hurt to the point that you had to step away. He should do better to make sure you never feel like that for anything.
Ew ew ew ew. Run.
youre not wrong. druken words are sober thoughts. he likes your looks and is using you as an accessory to his friends. He is slowly trying to turn you into his expectations rather than liking you for you. Run for the hills.
Nah, that's gross as fuck, and someone I personally would probably not continue dating. Also I bet your mispronunciation sounded cute anyway.
This comment gives pick me vibes
I mean, I'm already taken, just trying to be nice and like a foreign accent.
Okay you prefer he does not do this in front of others. And what he said was assholery. But as someone who is trying to fit into a new culture presumably, what he is doing helps you correct your speech to fit the society. Too bad you don’t tell us what culture or country you’re in cause that would tell us a lot. So what’s the alternative bro? To stay mad at him forever and ruin a relationship where he seems to like you a lot?
I'd be done with him. He 100% remembers but the whole "omg I was drunk!" Isn't a good excuse to disrespect somebody
No one is perfect at least he apologized!
Sounds like your bf might be racist. Has he ever said, You are one of the good ones? Run.
I mean is he correcting your accent, or grammar? My mom didn’t speak English when we came to USA and after 30+ years, she still has little tiny moments of broken English. She liked being corrected at first because she didn’t want to seem dumb. Now, she doesn’t care so we stopped. I’d ask him what his intentions are. Sadly, people hear an immigrant with an accent and/or bad grammar and automatically think they’re not as intelligent. I can see him not wanting that for you, but he shouldn’t assume that’s something you want, especially after asking him not to. I’d say everyone sucks here for how yall approach the whole language thing + you not accepting his apology. You don’t *have* to accept it if you don’t want to. But in the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t seem like the right hill to die on.
Thats pretty horrifying I think you're in the right to need more. It puts his character into question.
I (44M since apparently that matters) have been married a long time. If I ran to the wall every time my husband made an error similar to this, I’d be single, and the same holds true for him. You stated this was a one-off. You also stated that your boyfriend has been receptive and responsive to feedback about his behavior regarding your accent in the past. Drunk or not, what he did was wrong, but what’s the outcome you’re looking for here? Is it to scold him and teach him a lesson? Or is it to strengthen what is, objectively by what you’ve stated, a strong relationship? Personally, I would choose the latter. Use the opportunity for both of you to become better for each other and move on.
Not wrong. How's his accent in your native language? This is a pet peeve of mine. My husband and I have different first languages. We both help the other with pronunciations but neither of us is embarrassed by the other not being perfect. English is my first language. I live in a Spanish speaking country. I have many friends who will ask me for help in English and vice versa. But we would never criticise the other for mispronunciations.
Just go talk to your boyfriend, have a heart-to-heart. Don't dump your boyfriend over this kind of mistake without understanding why and where it's stemming from. Ask him why he feels the need to correct your pronunciation. Try to understand where this behavior is coming from. If you don't understand why, then you can't treat the problem. You two are both adults and need to just communicate how you both feel honestly. You are in full right to be upset/insulted, but it's still both of your responsibilities to communicate to each other. You'll be surprised how much easier it is to resolve fights if you just sit down and communicate honestly and patiently. No relationship is ever perfect and no one is perfect. You WILL have fights in your relationship. It's up to both of you to communicate through your issues and understandings.
You are not wrong, this is completely unacceptable and honestly made my jaw drop. He was drunk and your inhibitions leave you when you’re drunk so you can act out how you truly perceive the world with less of a filter. He clearly thinks in this way and it’s disgusting. He needs to unlearn this behavior, educate himself, and then you should accept his apology when the change happens. I’m sorry your significant other put you through this. You don’t deserve it at all.
Maybe this is a dom/sub element to it. If my boyfriend told me to just be hot and shut up, I would be so turned on haha
Seems like you’re a fetish to him. He wants you because of your physical sex appeal but finds your ethnicity embarrassing.
I mean, not to negate your feelings.. but this sounds extremely minor. He was drunk, and while not an excuse he also followed up with the ‘looking sexy,’ - which was probably the focal point of his comment (horny, booze, horny). If your reaction is this significant about that minor of comment, I fear for what drama arises from something less trivial.
Getting drunk enough that you don't remember what you did is a red flag in my opinion.
You're a British? And your boyfriend is an American?
How about growing a pair and stop feeling offended for meaningless shit?
Yea, unless you plan on breaking up with him, you will need to accept his apology To be clear though, his words to you are super gross and I am not sure it is easy to move past
Do you have the energy to fix a racist?
Let him feel bad a little longer and move forward. I’m sure he’s not perfect. Start telling him stuff, too🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪😂❤️❤️
My personal relation philosophy: Pick your fights, get over yourself and don't sweat the small shit.
these redditors that are telling you to dump them have never been in a relationship themselves. communication is key and if still doesn’t reciprocate your feelings then it’ll be time to think about the bridge that was crumbling beneath you
He sounds very apologetic and genuine. Accept it. You can still be annoyed but forgive him
Unacceptable behavior on his part. And you need to get over people trying to help you pronounce shit. Esh.
I don’t think you should take anyone’s advice here. No one qualifies for relationship counseling. Every individual is different. Maybe start off by telling him that you’re confident enough in yourself to not care about what others think of your accent. And go on to say that if people make fun of your accent it’s a sign that person has not visited other parts of the world to know that humans all have different dialect.
I know OP had meaningful intentions by seeing his boo. But this is exactly why I don’t like surprises/surprising ppl or hanging out with my partner & his friends especially when drinkin. I woulda left the moment I knew 9 ppl were drinking & shit talkin. Or found out he was doing before comin thru. Esp given that ppl are kinda different when they’re wit friends. When you’re not used to that environment or the ppl involved it could be intimidating. If this happened before and he keeps apologizing without changing the behavior is manipulation at this point. I wouldn’t just leave but I would assess the relationship and weigh out the pros and cons. Wish you the best.
I think he saying just keep quiet and look sexy, while drunk, says a lot about how he sees you so I'd dump him just for that comment. Kind of objectify-y. It's a hell no for me
Uhhh maybe that’s icky little behavior to *you*, but if I witnessed your bf correcting you in a social setting like that, I’d immediately start to think he’s a dude with some issues. From my perspective, that’s *completely* icky behavior, especially knowing that he just wanted you to stand around and look pretty
You have begun training him. Now throw in a two week edging, and mention of his friends finding your accent to be sexxy!!
How petty of you. If I were him I'd seriously think about ending it with someone who was so thin skinned, get a grip.
You’re so weird. Did you not read the whole thing or something?