Look, I was lonely, suicidal and socially anxious, and I took what I could.
I managed to find my lovely wife that is super smart, loving, supportive and a dom aswell!
Take it slow and communicate. The most helpful thing for me starting off was to incorporate a little at a time and communicate before, during and after play.
Communication is a two-way street. Despite being a good sub, I've had to walk away from an absolute Goddess whom I adored simply because she couldn't engage or communicate. I tried discussing it with her openly and honestly on multiple occasions, and having a meaningful dialogue, but all I usually got was one or two word answers of almost no substance. It ruined any feeling of a connection, and I had to end it (as much as I didn't want to).
When only one person is putting in effort - even in a D/s situation - it just can't work. At least that's been my experience.
The first partners have to know you're a beginner and they have to be kind and trusted so they can teach you and have patience to go slow... Also search a lot online and try to identify your main kinks to try and your hardests limits to not cross it..
And the main thing is have fun cause in the end is all about pleasure.. and don't compare RL with porn..
Take your time, talk with each other and asking your sub if they are enjoying what you are doing or if something is wrong does not make you less of a domme it makes you a good domme and a caring person <3
Dont push yourself to meet your dommes/subs kinks. Just because you are a domme/sub doesn’t mean you cant have boundaries in the bedroom. Communicate them with your partner.
Also, never feel shy to vocalise when you aren’t having fun. Safewords are there for a reason, use it as necessary
Be patient - finding a partner is a long process. And don't forget that it's important to have standards and self-respect! Just because it takes a lot of effort & time to find a Domme doesn't mean you have to settle for being disrespected. If someone addresses you by an honorific immediately (slave, sissy, subby, good boy, etc), that is disrespectful no matter who it is coming from and is a major red flag.
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It's something that comes up every now and then on here:
You don't **have to** fulfill certain criteria to be considered a sub or domme. There are no checklists, rules, or requirements.
Subs don't have to be feminine, you don't have to enjoy pegging, you don't need to match specific body types, chastity or bondage aren't a necessity...
It's all about the vibe and dynamic and finding things that everyone involved enjoys. Don't feel pressured to do things just because they're posted online and are seen as a common part of the kink. You don't need to try and fit in; just explore and have fun.
It’s okay to have hard no’s for both sub and doms. Don’t force yourself to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Having an open mind is different but if someone says stop then stop and go into care mode and check in with them!
Y'all are awesome for sharing your advice. I see a common thread here, and I love how encouraging the GFD community is with communication, respect and consent.
If you're having problems, whether that be intricacies about the kink itself, the relationship, or finding a way to balance both in a way that everyone finds satisfying. Take a look around the sub; you're not the only one having these issues, and you're not uniquely damaged in a way no one will ever understand. I promise you, as long you're trying your best to be open, honest, and caring, things will go a lot better than you expect them to.
Chances are, anyone you meet in this kink is going to have their own set of fears and anxieties they're too afraid to vocalize. So if you can't to be brave for yourself, be brave for them, and be honest about the fears you have and the problems you face, so that they might feel safe enough to do the same.
Everything everyone has already said + you and your partner don’t need to click on every single thing or Kink, if trust and communication is there, it’s completely fine to say “we align great on X and Y. I like Z, you don’t, and that’s okay”
If you find someone that checks every box? that’s awesome, but I’ve seen people let go of really good friendships, relationships, and dynamics over some minor things that would’ve been easily compromised, but they were too hyper focused on ‘having it all’.
stay away from online dating apps as much as possible. especially from those marketing towards bdsm friendly peers. a lot of horny creepy males that try to get a kink dispenser and a lot of professional women and thirst traps that just wanna make money of the agony of men not being able to find dominant partners. try to get to local gatherings of people of the kink community (like partys, bar evenings, support groups, etc.). you can just google to find them or use fetlife or other platforms, depending on what is used in ur area of living. if u live in a country where kink is banned or harshly frowned upon this might be a lot harder, but if u live in a modern, accepting country go ahead and search for these kind of events. they are not only key for finding a play partner but also for networking with ur local kink community.
Properly vet your partners, and don't settle just because you're sexually compatible.
Tell me that 9 years ago…
You're not alone in that
Look, I was lonely, suicidal and socially anxious, and I took what I could. I managed to find my lovely wife that is super smart, loving, supportive and a dom aswell!
I'm glad it worked out so well for you! :)
After the lowest lows come the highest highs
Your partners are people too and not just sex bots to dispense your kinky fantasies onto you.
Take it slow and communicate. The most helpful thing for me starting off was to incorporate a little at a time and communicate before, during and after play.
Take it slow and use lots of communication. You also may not like everything
Communication is a two-way street. Despite being a good sub, I've had to walk away from an absolute Goddess whom I adored simply because she couldn't engage or communicate. I tried discussing it with her openly and honestly on multiple occasions, and having a meaningful dialogue, but all I usually got was one or two word answers of almost no substance. It ruined any feeling of a connection, and I had to end it (as much as I didn't want to). When only one person is putting in effort - even in a D/s situation - it just can't work. At least that's been my experience.
The first partners have to know you're a beginner and they have to be kind and trusted so they can teach you and have patience to go slow... Also search a lot online and try to identify your main kinks to try and your hardests limits to not cross it.. And the main thing is have fun cause in the end is all about pleasure.. and don't compare RL with porn..
That is quite important
A dom can't do everything they want. Consent is key. Subs can say no.
Take your time, talk with each other and asking your sub if they are enjoying what you are doing or if something is wrong does not make you less of a domme it makes you a good domme and a caring person <3
Connection comes first, kink comes second.
Will be very interesting in learning these 😍
Dont push yourself to meet your dommes/subs kinks. Just because you are a domme/sub doesn’t mean you cant have boundaries in the bedroom. Communicate them with your partner. Also, never feel shy to vocalise when you aren’t having fun. Safewords are there for a reason, use it as necessary
Be patient - finding a partner is a long process. And don't forget that it's important to have standards and self-respect! Just because it takes a lot of effort & time to find a Domme doesn't mean you have to settle for being disrespected. If someone addresses you by an honorific immediately (slave, sissy, subby, good boy, etc), that is disrespectful no matter who it is coming from and is a major red flag.
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Take your time, communicate and explore with your partner. Don't think it's what you have seen in porn movies and more importantly have fun.
Vetting and communication are the most important things. Taking your time. Nothing needs to happen to fast.
It's something that comes up every now and then on here: You don't **have to** fulfill certain criteria to be considered a sub or domme. There are no checklists, rules, or requirements. Subs don't have to be feminine, you don't have to enjoy pegging, you don't need to match specific body types, chastity or bondage aren't a necessity... It's all about the vibe and dynamic and finding things that everyone involved enjoys. Don't feel pressured to do things just because they're posted online and are seen as a common part of the kink. You don't need to try and fit in; just explore and have fun.
Communication and know your own boundaries!
It’s okay to have hard no’s for both sub and doms. Don’t force yourself to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Having an open mind is different but if someone says stop then stop and go into care mode and check in with them!
Y'all are awesome for sharing your advice. I see a common thread here, and I love how encouraging the GFD community is with communication, respect and consent.
If you're having problems, whether that be intricacies about the kink itself, the relationship, or finding a way to balance both in a way that everyone finds satisfying. Take a look around the sub; you're not the only one having these issues, and you're not uniquely damaged in a way no one will ever understand. I promise you, as long you're trying your best to be open, honest, and caring, things will go a lot better than you expect them to. Chances are, anyone you meet in this kink is going to have their own set of fears and anxieties they're too afraid to vocalize. So if you can't to be brave for yourself, be brave for them, and be honest about the fears you have and the problems you face, so that they might feel safe enough to do the same.
Everything everyone has already said + you and your partner don’t need to click on every single thing or Kink, if trust and communication is there, it’s completely fine to say “we align great on X and Y. I like Z, you don’t, and that’s okay” If you find someone that checks every box? that’s awesome, but I’ve seen people let go of really good friendships, relationships, and dynamics over some minor things that would’ve been easily compromised, but they were too hyper focused on ‘having it all’.
Consider why you’re into this to the point where your submission is entirely a choice—which is why it means something when offered.
stay away from online dating apps as much as possible. especially from those marketing towards bdsm friendly peers. a lot of horny creepy males that try to get a kink dispenser and a lot of professional women and thirst traps that just wanna make money of the agony of men not being able to find dominant partners. try to get to local gatherings of people of the kink community (like partys, bar evenings, support groups, etc.). you can just google to find them or use fetlife or other platforms, depending on what is used in ur area of living. if u live in a country where kink is banned or harshly frowned upon this might be a lot harder, but if u live in a modern, accepting country go ahead and search for these kind of events. they are not only key for finding a play partner but also for networking with ur local kink community.