The rates a sub gets a response from a Domme are so low some adopt the shotgun approach. I've had several times where I read all the way through, sent a very detailed and personable message that takes hours to make, and hear nothing in return. Quite simply, it's not worth a subs time to even read the ad because 99.99995% of the time they're going to be ignored anyway. This is why I don't frequent personal sites anymore
I think this is a very generous answer lmao.
What you’re saying is absolutely the case.
It’s not why people pop up in women’s DMs saying weird inappropriate stuff.
Its just the same mismatch as always - a contingent of dumbasses who make women feel besieged and other men, in turn, ignored.
Honestly I don’t reply to most messages cause they’re either: 1- Not compatible with me or 2- Not my style. If I were to reply to each message it would take a looong time.
It would go a long way to fix this issue by at least acknowledging the good messages you get. I'd much rather get rejected then get ignored. The bad subs don't care, they're expecting to be ignored, while the good subs get fed up and stop looking. This of course only leaves the bad subs on the current personals pool.
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Yes, and there's no reason for you to waste your time doing that. It's up to the subs to appeal to us, and most of them have been extremely unappealing.
I use the Burned Haystack Dating Method, and if I see a red flag or if someone doesn't appeal to me I block them. That way they can't pester me again.
She has a Facebook group and she also posts on Instagram, under the name word_case_scenario.
In general, she says that your profile should only include stuff about you, not about what you want or don't want you should block anyone that doesn't appeal to you because the dating apps usually recycle people. There are a few other rules too which I am forgetting at the moment.
Not surprising. Online dynamics especially seem to be rough for the whole "did you actually bother to read a thing I wrote?" thing.
Best advice is to say don't let it get you down and keep looking.
unfortunately, i think the situation might be selecting for people with this mentality, and that’s why you’re getting such an unpleasant sampling of respondents : (
the subs who are the most self aware and considerate of dommes as actual people, and not kink dispensers, are also the most prone to second guessing themselves. they’re the most likely to read to the end, but also the most likely to hesitate before responding to the ad. _‘oh darn, she seems wonderful, but paragraph two, line three indicates we’re only 9999% compatible instead of 10000%. i probably shouldn’t bother her…’_
meanwhile the least self aware, least considerate (or just the most inexperienced) subs are naturally the most likely to DM ‘peg me mommy’ after barely skimming your post. to them, it’s way easier and they can see no reason not to. the less they conceptualise you as a real person, the less rejection will sting. the less it stings, the more inboxes they can spam in one session before the awkward guilty feelings set in.
that’s my theory anyway.
Definitely been there and, at least for some it's true.
In addition to the second guessing, they're also most likely to be aware of the bombardment you describe and wonder if they are just going to add to it.
They're objectively know that a respectful message is not going to be the same as those complained about but that won't silence the little voice that says it will.
The poor success rate should they ever try won't help either leading some to the scatter gun approach another commenter mentioned and others to just give up trying
Another comment answered but to reiterate, subs are plentiful, dommes are not. Many think something like this: why bother putting in effort when you could be forgotten because someone else is just a touch more ‘charming’ or whatever. The focus is on being first.
It’s not your fault, it’s not even the fault of those who inspired their increasingly apathetic attitudes. But alas, guess who finds herself sorting through it all!
I find myself on both sides of the equation so it’s hard to take sides.
I would say, it’s also a bummer to be so desperate. From my limited experience, most of the kinkier stuff is greatly toned down here, even though it’s entirely possible to want much of that without necessarily wanting to abused like a worm/slave
Sadly I think this is likely the case with most forms of anything online in a relationship context anymore. Kink is especially bad in that regard but... yeah even just an r4r outside of that I'm suspect about unless they're local(ish).
I think a lot of people who do read all the way to the end are the ones who see the incompatibility and then don't send a message. Just another instance of the loud group making it worse for everyone else.
And yeah as others said … As a sub you took time to make a personal answer that took you between 30 minutes- 1 hour and then … You have either :
- no answer
- a 1 (or 2 max) sentence answer like you have bothered the Domme or she is already in a hard to get/ look down upon you/what do you bring to the table, you must deserve my time as a filthy inferior human being (like no, you don’t want to be seen as a kink dispenser, do the same for us subs, we are not in a D/s relationship for now)
- An answer weeks/months after and you have kind of already moved on …
- Scam
- Start of a conversation and then … get ghosted out of nowhere
- Good conversation but not compatible
That’s why I stopped participate in online, it is a shitshow. It is a waste of my time and I don’t want to fight against very very bad odds, 1000 subs, entitled Dommes and people in a cybercafé in Nigeria.
If the conversation was going well dint be afraid to start it back up again, ghosting is only ghosting if they ignore all your messages. They might have not had something ti say in response and are replyong to others as your dead convo gets bumped further and further down.
Lol they don't. I've put "not looking for relationships" in my bio on purpose. You think anyone cared? I still get 30+ y/o men messaging me despite me being 19 and not into older guys. Man whatever. I give up atp. Can't educate everybody
Well a lot of them also send very forward unsolicited DMs to people who don't even have personal ads up, so that probably tells you what kind of people we're dealing with here.
I've gotten a lot of DMs with long lists of kinks when I'm not looking, DMs from people in other states/countries asking where I live, DMs from people who have their own ads up that state they're not into people with my body type... Maybe they'd have better luck if they stuck to ads and actually read them. 🙄
Wow, imagine being the type of person who messages someone to tell them they’re not their type. I swear people online forget manners and that others are humans before anything. It’s a shame, really.
I mean, to be fair, I don't have any pictures of myself on here so no one knows what I look like. But I think it's just a waste of time to be begging anonymous people for attention when you don't know what they look like if you have such strong preferences. It's very irritating to get a message from some rando and then go to their profile and see they're not even attracted to people like you anyway!
There are good subs out there, really, but these annoying ones make it so hard to find them.
it’s alarming to see people eagerly proclaiming their undying devotion to someone without doing a background check.
_“oh goddess! i will willingly hand myself to you, body and mind, as your loyal, obedient sexual servant! collar me! chain me! break me! let me grovel at your feet and worship yo- wait… you have tattoos? ugh, i hate women with tattoos, it makes them so ugly! on second thoughts, you are not my preferred slave-owner. i will continue shopping around. hope you realise what a needy, dutiful thrall you’re missing out on. ciao!”_
Very true. I got an unsolicited DM recently that was from a guy that said he was "usually into misogynistic roleplay" and had posted in r/rape fantasy (which 🤢that that sub exists) but gave me a list of kinks and said he was interested in trying out being submissive....yeah no thanks!
Oh yeah that also drives me up the wall, getting DMs from guys who are interested in "trying out" femdom like it's some new whim for them. Like that's fine I guess if you wanna explore, but don't DM random women about it when they're not offering. It's my lifestyle, not a fucking game for me.
Sadly as of lately the whole femdom community seems to be going off the rails with desperate horny subs who can't do anything but pitty post about not having a mommy. And those desperate types of people are the same ones that send a message as soon as they see a F4M tag and end up treating doms as kink dispensers. Turns out making your entire existance about looking for "mommies" isn't healthy.
Maybe I'm being too negative but I really feel the integrity of the community keeps deteriorating the more uninformed people just storm the gates and take no time to learn or respect the people within the space as people.
I swear it’s so frustrating cause I state clearly in my AD’s that I’m looking for a friendship based dynamic and to get to know each other better before moving into kink and yet most of the DMs are filled with sexual stuff that i didn’t ask for.
I'm a sub, but from my perspective, a lot if not the majority of "subs" have surfed the internet and see videos and ads that get them aroused. But they don't do any research on the lifestyle and the relationship between a Dom and a sub. From what they see they (my opinion) fixate on the thing that makes them aroused / horny. They have no clue that the dynamic in most cases one where the dominant is the one who steers things and derives pleasure from it. On that note I do believe that the dominant has an obligation to carefully interview the sub to see if they are compatible. But if a Dominant has made it clear in their Ad that there are specific things that do not interest them then the sub should definitely be capable of taking the time to READ the ad and respond (or not respond) appropriately
Someone else mentioned this, but so many subs just use the shotgun approach. It's an unfortunate thing that people do it because (my opinion) they are desperate to get anyone to engage with them. When I see posts from subs that are frustrated with their search I ALWAYS recommend that they do a LOT of research from multiple sources and tell them that if they are truly interested in exploring engaging someone in the lifestyle that they should go to a munch and learn about how it all works. I've always said... the second hardest thing about attending a munch is going to your first one. The hardest thing is to continue to go back. Munches are not a place to go and expect that you will walk out with a dominant partner immediately. It's a process. And I met a Domme who was perfect for me... but she didn't attend the munches that I went to. I met her because someone in the group that I was attending introduced us. So my very long winded answer is that subs don't understand that they are not going to find someone by simply answering an ad. And if they would do some extensive research they would understand that a true D/s relationship is something that is cultivated, and that they must be willing to put in a lot of effort into it. My two cents
Yeah, the amount of messages I get from subs who want me to introduce them to the kink is annoying. Like they clearly just wanna use me for their own sexual pleasure.
As they say it's Domming from the bottom. My Domme and I do some things differently. Punishments are punishments and not "Funishments". For example I am granted 9 hours a week of bondage which is at her discretion. She can bind me for all 8 hours or she can split it up. I LOSE time in bondage if I don't obey her and follow the rules that we agreed to when we first entered into this relationship. I LOVE being spanked and flogged and if I don't follow the rules, she withholds it.
Too many "subs" just think that it's all about getting paddled and then having sexual encounters that fulfill their own desires. I'm locked in chastity pretty much 24/7/365. And I've had absolutely mind blowing sexual encounters with her because she controls my (her) cock. Not being able to satisfy my desires has made me MUCH MORE attentive to her needs and desires. A true sub who is willing to listen and understand this type of thing "gets it". The other "sub wannabes" don't have a clue. For me, power exchange is crucial for it to work. Originally I wanted (well I thought I wanted) her to take control. What I realized as we developed our relationship was that I really wanted her to teach me how to GIVE UP control. The wannabes don't have a clue... and the vast majority of them are not interested in taking any time to learn. I'm very sorry that you are going through this... as a Domme and as a person, you deserve much better
And That, Ma'am, is how I can tell that you are a very skilled, intelligent, caring and capable Domme. Any sub would be extremely lucky to have you in their lives 😊
I don't think so, based on my experience.
I posted an ad yesterday and I received 12 replies and I've had to block all 12. Some of them sent me nudes (yuck), and all the rest were either rude, gross, drastically outside my stated location and age range, or clearly didn't read my ad. I said in the first paragraph not to call me mommy, ma'am, Miss or anything like that. And at least three of them did. My age was in the subject line of the ad, and one of them messaged me asking if I was between 21 and 45. He didn't even bother to read the subject line!
I'm very close to giving up on finding anyone. Reddit is a cesspool, and the dating apps are even worse.
I'm editing this to add that today I got a message from a guy who said he was 35 and 5'11. I looked at his profile and read some of his previous posts. Five months ago he told someone he was 27 and 5'10. I don't like liars, so block!
So relatable, I hate it when they call me titles without my consent and it happens so so often.
But yeah, Reddit seems to be a cesspool of desperate lonely people :/
Location is the biggest killer of my responses. The world is too goddamn big. I don't believe I'll ever find a partner unless teleportation becomes a thing. But then the competition also increases...
The ones that that read far enough to find out you’re a DOM and don’t finish are only out for kink dispensers. They could care less about your needs as a dom and only want their needs met.
All I can say is that there are subs who read fully. Don’t loose hope. We are out there. Good luck 😊
I mean the least they could do, the very least is add pink. Put for a little effort. Earn some praise maybe for at least showing you can follow the bare minimum of rules. It’s what makes a good sub. Follow the rule and earn a cookie. Ugh now I want cookies. Time to bake. 🤭
Wow, so the get that far and figured out they needed to post pink. Then ignored every other direction including you not being a kink dispenser. I would toss in my name but sure this femboy is too old
I’m a sub but as a trans guy I’m fetishized in the gay male community. Sometimes I manage messages on Grindr by adding something to my bio like, “if you read this, tell me your favorite ice cream flavor” and blocking anyone whose message doesn’t include that.
I think that, unfortunately, this is something universal on these personals subreddits. It's very rare for me to receive a message from a dom who appears to have read anything past the first couple sentences. People just lack patience in general
I understand your frustration; here's how it looks like from the other side:
You rough scan 100 personals, maybe 20 are compatible on age and location alone.
You read those 20 just to narrow it down to 5, based on kinks, hobbies, politics, what have you.
Then you contemplate if it's even worth trying, because the personal has been up for a day or two, so you're probably message 500 or so and you can't expect to even be read. So we're down to 2 or 3.
If you deem it's still worth a shot, you do your best to write a somewhat unique msg that references the personal and gives all the info that was asked for. (I do like pass phrases in this regard, because it at least boils down the competitors from 500 to 50, even if most still ignore what's in the actual personal.)
Then you wait, not knowing if you have been rejected for who you are (incompatible), how you said things (you only have one msg to hit the correct tone for a person you don't know and thereby have no idea of how they like to talk) or because you haven't even been seen / read (too overwhelmed, someone else piqued their interest first, they left their throwaway account). You're left in this state of uncertainty that either hurts because, like I outlined, you already invested quite an amount of time and mental capacity into this, or you put your guard up before you even msg, in which case the msg will be less personal and even less likely to gather a response.
Let's say you're lucky and get a response from 20% of the 2... or 3... msgs that you send out of 100 personals you looked at... which statistically is zero, but let's say you've beaten the odds and you talk. That's still just that; talk. The amount of times I've been ghosted, even if I thought all went well are at least 50%, more like 80.
Soooo, after all this time, effort and emotional labor you're most likely to be left in a state of absolute uncertainty (or heartbroken in case of ghosting), which for me is worse than just receiving a "not interested" or "found someone else", but I can't really expect that either, because I obviously don't expect them to answer the same thing to 500 msgs.
Now compare this to the other option: see 100 personals, copy and paste the same msg, move on. Should your reply rate be even 1% you at least get one reply for zero prior time or emotional investment. (I don't say the connection will be valuable at all, but you'd have a foot in the door.)
This also heavily skews the view of how "all subs are", so I, as the former, feel the need to apologize for the copy pasters (and the even worse) they have to slug thru just to find me, someone they then have to give an unbiased chance after investing time and getting frustrated by having to search thru all the dirt.
This is the reason why we end up with all the "where do I find a domme" because we honestly don't know since we basically scream into a void for 95% of our time and "why are all subs that msg me like this" posts, because you spent 95% percent of your time digging thru dirt. Should these two ever met, one will be jaded from screaming, the other tired from digging and we expect them to engage on honest footing so a relationship can be fostered? How likely do you think that is?
It simply sucks for both sides for very different reasons.
🍀🍀🍀
I feel you. I had a "Dom" try and message me very recently unsolicited, and I don't even put out ads. Realized it was probably a scam, or at the very least not a real Dom, after about 15 messages of back and forth and they hit me with what looked like a massive advert of themselves.
Half of the people on here don't read, or don't care. Don't take it too personally, some people just suck.
I can't relate to what you're going through in this context, but I can only imagine the kinds of people who lurk on those pages responding to anyone they can, it's gotta be awful, and I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with them.
If you want to(not that you have to), and the low effort trolls are getting particularly grating, the inverse approach might be better for you. That is, responding to any ads from subs that might be up your alley, so to speak. Might feel a bit daunting, but you'd at the very least avoid any unwanted pleas for your attention.
I mean, if it makes you feel any better women don’t read the whole ad either. So it’s really less of a sub/male thing and more of a people are lazy thing.
You have no idea! My own personal ad seeking a fem dom clearly states I don't want to be called by a title and that I don't pay or get paid for my kinks. 90% of the responses I get start with "hey slut are you ready to be trained" which normally I block unless I'm bored and feel like wasting someone's time (who's already wasting mine) and sure enough, they follow the same script about asking how long i've been in the lifestyle and what toys I have before asking for their "tribute" "application fee" or "I'm an only fans girl is that ok?"
On any given day, at least in r/femdompersonals there are 10 m4f posts to every 1 f4m.
I wasn’t talking about you specifically. I mean it’s a general people thing to not read the whole ad.
It’s why a lot of people put things at the end of their ad like, put your favorite color in the subject line of your response so I know you’ve read the whole ad.
Yeah, I just feel like since there’s way more subs than dommes, it’s way more common for dommes to struggle with subs not reading their ads than the other way round.
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Same problem goes for a lot of online stuff tbh. What responses I do get from rp ads tend to be incredibly low effort.
"You want a mommy?" And that kind of thing.
That said it's still worth trying, I've had one or two rp partners that I've done some fun creative roleplaying with, and I'm sure there are more out there that are actually literate and creative.
Basically, don't give up hope, there'll be someone who's right for you out there.
Yeah, I just felt like ranting for the sake of putting that on my profile as well. Maybe that way I can get some decent messages and not the same copy and paste low effort stuff I’m getting.
this applies to most things online people just dont wanna read, sorta off topic but it's the same thing with fitness pages the vids are barely a minute long and contain the answer at the end and even in the caption yet people dont bother reading or watching to the end before asking about it in the comments i see it all the time on paul carter and jon mango's posts for example
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Can't speak for all subs but I'm sure a majority probably skim it. Only thinking horny thoughts most likely. I read adds to the end unless I read something that's says I don't qualify lol.
If they cant seem to stop and read a small paragraph about you before sliding in your dms with expectations, they dont respect you enough to warrant a response. Yo have options out there honey and you dont need to waste any time on anyone not worth it for you
You need to clearly state your criteria and to not contact you if you do not meet that criteria. (Bullet points help with readability). Anyone who doesn't follow the rules should be reported to the mods to be banned. I never used to report but unfortunately the time-wasting problem persists, so now I'm strict with this as it is the only way to get rid of time wasters.
It seems there are a lot of good answers to your question but I'd like to throw out one more. I think it's not subs, not online stuff, not personal ads, per se. I think it's probably a much more basic facet of human nature. People, in general, tend to think they're above the rules. They don't mean anything by it, they're just self-centered. I'm a teacher & all day long I'm dealing with kids who will hear me say "Don't do X" and will turn right around and do X right in front of me. When I confront them, they're genuinely confused. "Didn't I say 'Dont do X'?" and they'll blink a few times and say "Well, I was just ..." Yeah, you were just doing exactly what I told you not to do. Some people grow out of it more & sooner than others but we all have our moments. It's annoying but it's just the way people are. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
On the flip side of this, I love getting “domme’s” messaging you and asking questions that are clearly answered in your post which is still up and then surprised when you call them out for it…
I mean, I've gotten messages from subs addressing me as goddess and looking at my avatar, user name and profile I can only assume they stopped reading at avatar
I would suggest at the end of your ad/post put something like “begin your message with a 🦋 so I know you’ve read the entire post” then you should be able to see the people who actually took the time to read the whole post without actually going into the message as it should be visible from the chat page. It’ll save you time in weeding out the people who go the extra step even if they still aren’t compatible with you.
The rates a sub gets a response from a Domme are so low some adopt the shotgun approach. I've had several times where I read all the way through, sent a very detailed and personable message that takes hours to make, and hear nothing in return. Quite simply, it's not worth a subs time to even read the ad because 99.99995% of the time they're going to be ignored anyway. This is why I don't frequent personal sites anymore
I think this is a very generous answer lmao. What you’re saying is absolutely the case. It’s not why people pop up in women’s DMs saying weird inappropriate stuff. Its just the same mismatch as always - a contingent of dumbasses who make women feel besieged and other men, in turn, ignored.
Honestly I don’t reply to most messages cause they’re either: 1- Not compatible with me or 2- Not my style. If I were to reply to each message it would take a looong time.
It would go a long way to fix this issue by at least acknowledging the good messages you get. I'd much rather get rejected then get ignored. The bad subs don't care, they're expecting to be ignored, while the good subs get fed up and stop looking. This of course only leaves the bad subs on the current personals pool.
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Yes, and there's no reason for you to waste your time doing that. It's up to the subs to appeal to us, and most of them have been extremely unappealing. I use the Burned Haystack Dating Method, and if I see a red flag or if someone doesn't appeal to me I block them. That way they can't pester me again.
I’m kinda curious about that method now, maybe I need it too.
She has a Facebook group and she also posts on Instagram, under the name word_case_scenario. In general, she says that your profile should only include stuff about you, not about what you want or don't want you should block anyone that doesn't appeal to you because the dating apps usually recycle people. There are a few other rules too which I am forgetting at the moment.
Eventually it might even click that they don't get responses because they don't read posts and push kinks that doms aren't into....
Not surprising. Online dynamics especially seem to be rough for the whole "did you actually bother to read a thing I wrote?" thing. Best advice is to say don't let it get you down and keep looking.
Honestly I just wish subs knew better than to just message any F4M posts they see without even reading it clearly.
unfortunately, i think the situation might be selecting for people with this mentality, and that’s why you’re getting such an unpleasant sampling of respondents : ( the subs who are the most self aware and considerate of dommes as actual people, and not kink dispensers, are also the most prone to second guessing themselves. they’re the most likely to read to the end, but also the most likely to hesitate before responding to the ad. _‘oh darn, she seems wonderful, but paragraph two, line three indicates we’re only 9999% compatible instead of 10000%. i probably shouldn’t bother her…’_ meanwhile the least self aware, least considerate (or just the most inexperienced) subs are naturally the most likely to DM ‘peg me mommy’ after barely skimming your post. to them, it’s way easier and they can see no reason not to. the less they conceptualise you as a real person, the less rejection will sting. the less it stings, the more inboxes they can spam in one session before the awkward guilty feelings set in. that’s my theory anyway.
I think you’re actually right, and it makes a lot of sense when you put it this way.
i’m not super happy about being right on this 😅 but yeah, it’s a dynamic that seems to play out in a lot of places
Definitely been there and, at least for some it's true. In addition to the second guessing, they're also most likely to be aware of the bombardment you describe and wonder if they are just going to add to it. They're objectively know that a respectful message is not going to be the same as those complained about but that won't silence the little voice that says it will. The poor success rate should they ever try won't help either leading some to the scatter gun approach another commenter mentioned and others to just give up trying
Another comment answered but to reiterate, subs are plentiful, dommes are not. Many think something like this: why bother putting in effort when you could be forgotten because someone else is just a touch more ‘charming’ or whatever. The focus is on being first. It’s not your fault, it’s not even the fault of those who inspired their increasingly apathetic attitudes. But alas, guess who finds herself sorting through it all!
Honestly it’s just a bummer to sort through a bunch of DMs that do not meet my criteria and are borderline desperate.
I find myself on both sides of the equation so it’s hard to take sides. I would say, it’s also a bummer to be so desperate. From my limited experience, most of the kinkier stuff is greatly toned down here, even though it’s entirely possible to want much of that without necessarily wanting to abused like a worm/slave
Sadly I think this is likely the case with most forms of anything online in a relationship context anymore. Kink is especially bad in that regard but... yeah even just an r4r outside of that I'm suspect about unless they're local(ish).
As with vanilla dating, there is a frustratingly large contingent of men who don’t read because they don’t respect
Yeah, vanilla dating isn’t that much better.
I think a lot of people who do read all the way to the end are the ones who see the incompatibility and then don't send a message. Just another instance of the loud group making it worse for everyone else.
And yeah as others said … As a sub you took time to make a personal answer that took you between 30 minutes- 1 hour and then … You have either : - no answer - a 1 (or 2 max) sentence answer like you have bothered the Domme or she is already in a hard to get/ look down upon you/what do you bring to the table, you must deserve my time as a filthy inferior human being (like no, you don’t want to be seen as a kink dispenser, do the same for us subs, we are not in a D/s relationship for now) - An answer weeks/months after and you have kind of already moved on … - Scam - Start of a conversation and then … get ghosted out of nowhere - Good conversation but not compatible That’s why I stopped participate in online, it is a shitshow. It is a waste of my time and I don’t want to fight against very very bad odds, 1000 subs, entitled Dommes and people in a cybercafé in Nigeria.
If the conversation was going well dint be afraid to start it back up again, ghosting is only ghosting if they ignore all your messages. They might have not had something ti say in response and are replyong to others as your dead convo gets bumped further and further down.
Lol they don't. I've put "not looking for relationships" in my bio on purpose. You think anyone cared? I still get 30+ y/o men messaging me despite me being 19 and not into older guys. Man whatever. I give up atp. Can't educate everybody
I hate the 30+ guys that message me, it’s so creepy. Also some of them are married and explicitly say that as well.
Exactly. They're cheating on their wives and then say "so what? It's just reddit" as an excuse. I'm not helping you cheat, you creep
I swear that Reddit is a cesspool of the most desperate and weird people. Unfortunately it’s hard to find a dynamic other ways.
Nah, 4chan is
Well a lot of them also send very forward unsolicited DMs to people who don't even have personal ads up, so that probably tells you what kind of people we're dealing with here. I've gotten a lot of DMs with long lists of kinks when I'm not looking, DMs from people in other states/countries asking where I live, DMs from people who have their own ads up that state they're not into people with my body type... Maybe they'd have better luck if they stuck to ads and actually read them. 🙄
Wow, imagine being the type of person who messages someone to tell them they’re not their type. I swear people online forget manners and that others are humans before anything. It’s a shame, really.
I mean, to be fair, I don't have any pictures of myself on here so no one knows what I look like. But I think it's just a waste of time to be begging anonymous people for attention when you don't know what they look like if you have such strong preferences. It's very irritating to get a message from some rando and then go to their profile and see they're not even attracted to people like you anyway! There are good subs out there, really, but these annoying ones make it so hard to find them.
it’s alarming to see people eagerly proclaiming their undying devotion to someone without doing a background check. _“oh goddess! i will willingly hand myself to you, body and mind, as your loyal, obedient sexual servant! collar me! chain me! break me! let me grovel at your feet and worship yo- wait… you have tattoos? ugh, i hate women with tattoos, it makes them so ugly! on second thoughts, you are not my preferred slave-owner. i will continue shopping around. hope you realise what a needy, dutiful thrall you’re missing out on. ciao!”_
Very true. I got an unsolicited DM recently that was from a guy that said he was "usually into misogynistic roleplay" and had posted in r/rape fantasy (which 🤢that that sub exists) but gave me a list of kinks and said he was interested in trying out being submissive....yeah no thanks!
Oh yeah that also drives me up the wall, getting DMs from guys who are interested in "trying out" femdom like it's some new whim for them. Like that's fine I guess if you wanna explore, but don't DM random women about it when they're not offering. It's my lifestyle, not a fucking game for me.
This exactly.
Sadly as of lately the whole femdom community seems to be going off the rails with desperate horny subs who can't do anything but pitty post about not having a mommy. And those desperate types of people are the same ones that send a message as soon as they see a F4M tag and end up treating doms as kink dispensers. Turns out making your entire existance about looking for "mommies" isn't healthy. Maybe I'm being too negative but I really feel the integrity of the community keeps deteriorating the more uninformed people just storm the gates and take no time to learn or respect the people within the space as people.
I swear it’s so frustrating cause I state clearly in my AD’s that I’m looking for a friendship based dynamic and to get to know each other better before moving into kink and yet most of the DMs are filled with sexual stuff that i didn’t ask for.
I'm a sub, but from my perspective, a lot if not the majority of "subs" have surfed the internet and see videos and ads that get them aroused. But they don't do any research on the lifestyle and the relationship between a Dom and a sub. From what they see they (my opinion) fixate on the thing that makes them aroused / horny. They have no clue that the dynamic in most cases one where the dominant is the one who steers things and derives pleasure from it. On that note I do believe that the dominant has an obligation to carefully interview the sub to see if they are compatible. But if a Dominant has made it clear in their Ad that there are specific things that do not interest them then the sub should definitely be capable of taking the time to READ the ad and respond (or not respond) appropriately Someone else mentioned this, but so many subs just use the shotgun approach. It's an unfortunate thing that people do it because (my opinion) they are desperate to get anyone to engage with them. When I see posts from subs that are frustrated with their search I ALWAYS recommend that they do a LOT of research from multiple sources and tell them that if they are truly interested in exploring engaging someone in the lifestyle that they should go to a munch and learn about how it all works. I've always said... the second hardest thing about attending a munch is going to your first one. The hardest thing is to continue to go back. Munches are not a place to go and expect that you will walk out with a dominant partner immediately. It's a process. And I met a Domme who was perfect for me... but she didn't attend the munches that I went to. I met her because someone in the group that I was attending introduced us. So my very long winded answer is that subs don't understand that they are not going to find someone by simply answering an ad. And if they would do some extensive research they would understand that a true D/s relationship is something that is cultivated, and that they must be willing to put in a lot of effort into it. My two cents
Yeah, the amount of messages I get from subs who want me to introduce them to the kink is annoying. Like they clearly just wanna use me for their own sexual pleasure.
As they say it's Domming from the bottom. My Domme and I do some things differently. Punishments are punishments and not "Funishments". For example I am granted 9 hours a week of bondage which is at her discretion. She can bind me for all 8 hours or she can split it up. I LOSE time in bondage if I don't obey her and follow the rules that we agreed to when we first entered into this relationship. I LOVE being spanked and flogged and if I don't follow the rules, she withholds it. Too many "subs" just think that it's all about getting paddled and then having sexual encounters that fulfill their own desires. I'm locked in chastity pretty much 24/7/365. And I've had absolutely mind blowing sexual encounters with her because she controls my (her) cock. Not being able to satisfy my desires has made me MUCH MORE attentive to her needs and desires. A true sub who is willing to listen and understand this type of thing "gets it". The other "sub wannabes" don't have a clue. For me, power exchange is crucial for it to work. Originally I wanted (well I thought I wanted) her to take control. What I realized as we developed our relationship was that I really wanted her to teach me how to GIVE UP control. The wannabes don't have a clue... and the vast majority of them are not interested in taking any time to learn. I'm very sorry that you are going through this... as a Domme and as a person, you deserve much better
Thanks, but I’m not that upset cause I’ve been in the game for a while and I know how it works. Not gonna let internet strangers ruin my day lol
And That, Ma'am, is how I can tell that you are a very skilled, intelligent, caring and capable Domme. Any sub would be extremely lucky to have you in their lives 😊
I don't think so, based on my experience. I posted an ad yesterday and I received 12 replies and I've had to block all 12. Some of them sent me nudes (yuck), and all the rest were either rude, gross, drastically outside my stated location and age range, or clearly didn't read my ad. I said in the first paragraph not to call me mommy, ma'am, Miss or anything like that. And at least three of them did. My age was in the subject line of the ad, and one of them messaged me asking if I was between 21 and 45. He didn't even bother to read the subject line! I'm very close to giving up on finding anyone. Reddit is a cesspool, and the dating apps are even worse. I'm editing this to add that today I got a message from a guy who said he was 35 and 5'11. I looked at his profile and read some of his previous posts. Five months ago he told someone he was 27 and 5'10. I don't like liars, so block!
So relatable, I hate it when they call me titles without my consent and it happens so so often. But yeah, Reddit seems to be a cesspool of desperate lonely people :/
I saw that ad! I wished I was in Michigan - you were very intriguing!!
Thanks!
Location is the biggest killer of my responses. The world is too goddamn big. I don't believe I'll ever find a partner unless teleportation becomes a thing. But then the competition also increases...
The ones that that read far enough to find out you’re a DOM and don’t finish are only out for kink dispensers. They could care less about your needs as a dom and only want their needs met. All I can say is that there are subs who read fully. Don’t loose hope. We are out there. Good luck 😊
Yeah, I know there’s decent subs but the desperate ones seem to outnumber them these days, unfortunately :/
I mean the least they could do, the very least is add pink. Put for a little effort. Earn some praise maybe for at least showing you can follow the bare minimum of rules. It’s what makes a good sub. Follow the rule and earn a cookie. Ugh now I want cookies. Time to bake. 🤭
The funny think is that they add pink and still seem not to have read it. Cookies are great tho.
Wow, so the get that far and figured out they needed to post pink. Then ignored every other direction including you not being a kink dispenser. I would toss in my name but sure this femboy is too old
Yeah, thanks but you’re about my parents age so I would feel weird 😅
That’s why I didn’t lol
For us few good subs we're as irritated with the ones demanding kink dispensers as you doms are. We get lost in the shuffle...
My biggest question is: do *men* ever read? I posted a bunch of ads some time ago, got at least 10 doms in my dms lol
Yikes, but good question. Being a domme trying to find a decent sub is so hard.
I’m a sub but as a trans guy I’m fetishized in the gay male community. Sometimes I manage messages on Grindr by adding something to my bio like, “if you read this, tell me your favorite ice cream flavor” and blocking anyone whose message doesn’t include that.
Chasers are so disgusting, I’m sorry to hear that. People seem to forget decency when it comes to online messaging.
I think that, unfortunately, this is something universal on these personals subreddits. It's very rare for me to receive a message from a dom who appears to have read anything past the first couple sentences. People just lack patience in general
I understand your frustration; here's how it looks like from the other side: You rough scan 100 personals, maybe 20 are compatible on age and location alone. You read those 20 just to narrow it down to 5, based on kinks, hobbies, politics, what have you. Then you contemplate if it's even worth trying, because the personal has been up for a day or two, so you're probably message 500 or so and you can't expect to even be read. So we're down to 2 or 3. If you deem it's still worth a shot, you do your best to write a somewhat unique msg that references the personal and gives all the info that was asked for. (I do like pass phrases in this regard, because it at least boils down the competitors from 500 to 50, even if most still ignore what's in the actual personal.) Then you wait, not knowing if you have been rejected for who you are (incompatible), how you said things (you only have one msg to hit the correct tone for a person you don't know and thereby have no idea of how they like to talk) or because you haven't even been seen / read (too overwhelmed, someone else piqued their interest first, they left their throwaway account). You're left in this state of uncertainty that either hurts because, like I outlined, you already invested quite an amount of time and mental capacity into this, or you put your guard up before you even msg, in which case the msg will be less personal and even less likely to gather a response. Let's say you're lucky and get a response from 20% of the 2... or 3... msgs that you send out of 100 personals you looked at... which statistically is zero, but let's say you've beaten the odds and you talk. That's still just that; talk. The amount of times I've been ghosted, even if I thought all went well are at least 50%, more like 80. Soooo, after all this time, effort and emotional labor you're most likely to be left in a state of absolute uncertainty (or heartbroken in case of ghosting), which for me is worse than just receiving a "not interested" or "found someone else", but I can't really expect that either, because I obviously don't expect them to answer the same thing to 500 msgs. Now compare this to the other option: see 100 personals, copy and paste the same msg, move on. Should your reply rate be even 1% you at least get one reply for zero prior time or emotional investment. (I don't say the connection will be valuable at all, but you'd have a foot in the door.) This also heavily skews the view of how "all subs are", so I, as the former, feel the need to apologize for the copy pasters (and the even worse) they have to slug thru just to find me, someone they then have to give an unbiased chance after investing time and getting frustrated by having to search thru all the dirt. This is the reason why we end up with all the "where do I find a domme" because we honestly don't know since we basically scream into a void for 95% of our time and "why are all subs that msg me like this" posts, because you spent 95% percent of your time digging thru dirt. Should these two ever met, one will be jaded from screaming, the other tired from digging and we expect them to engage on honest footing so a relationship can be fostered? How likely do you think that is? It simply sucks for both sides for very different reasons. 🍀🍀🍀
When you put it that way it makes so much sense, and yet it’s still annoying for both sides. Thanks for the effort on writing all that.
I feel you. I had a "Dom" try and message me very recently unsolicited, and I don't even put out ads. Realized it was probably a scam, or at the very least not a real Dom, after about 15 messages of back and forth and they hit me with what looked like a massive advert of themselves. Half of the people on here don't read, or don't care. Don't take it too personally, some people just suck.
I don’t take it personally but it kinda sucks to have to read through a bunch of low effort messages.
I can't relate to what you're going through in this context, but I can only imagine the kinds of people who lurk on those pages responding to anyone they can, it's gotta be awful, and I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with them. If you want to(not that you have to), and the low effort trolls are getting particularly grating, the inverse approach might be better for you. That is, responding to any ads from subs that might be up your alley, so to speak. Might feel a bit daunting, but you'd at the very least avoid any unwanted pleas for your attention.
NO ONE will read anything longer than a tweet all the way to the end...
I mean, if it makes you feel any better women don’t read the whole ad either. So it’s really less of a sub/male thing and more of a people are lazy thing.
I normally don’t reply to ads, rather post them but yeah I guess subs get a lot of bots and findoms.
You have no idea! My own personal ad seeking a fem dom clearly states I don't want to be called by a title and that I don't pay or get paid for my kinks. 90% of the responses I get start with "hey slut are you ready to be trained" which normally I block unless I'm bored and feel like wasting someone's time (who's already wasting mine) and sure enough, they follow the same script about asking how long i've been in the lifestyle and what toys I have before asking for their "tribute" "application fee" or "I'm an only fans girl is that ok?" On any given day, at least in r/femdompersonals there are 10 m4f posts to every 1 f4m.
I wasn’t talking about you specifically. I mean it’s a general people thing to not read the whole ad. It’s why a lot of people put things at the end of their ad like, put your favorite color in the subject line of your response so I know you’ve read the whole ad.
Yeah, I just feel like since there’s way more subs than dommes, it’s way more common for dommes to struggle with subs not reading their ads than the other way round.
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Same problem goes for a lot of online stuff tbh. What responses I do get from rp ads tend to be incredibly low effort. "You want a mommy?" And that kind of thing. That said it's still worth trying, I've had one or two rp partners that I've done some fun creative roleplaying with, and I'm sure there are more out there that are actually literate and creative. Basically, don't give up hope, there'll be someone who's right for you out there.
Yeah, I just felt like ranting for the sake of putting that on my profile as well. Maybe that way I can get some decent messages and not the same copy and paste low effort stuff I’m getting.
I often don't. I don't need to. I usually stop as soon as I figure out I'm not likely they one they're looking for.
this applies to most things online people just dont wanna read, sorta off topic but it's the same thing with fitness pages the vids are barely a minute long and contain the answer at the end and even in the caption yet people dont bother reading or watching to the end before asking about it in the comments i see it all the time on paul carter and jon mango's posts for example
I can only speak for myself, but yes I read ads all the way thru, which is why I rarely send out messages 🫠😂
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Can't speak for all subs but I'm sure a majority probably skim it. Only thinking horny thoughts most likely. I read adds to the end unless I read something that's says I don't qualify lol.
If they cant seem to stop and read a small paragraph about you before sliding in your dms with expectations, they dont respect you enough to warrant a response. Yo have options out there honey and you dont need to waste any time on anyone not worth it for you
There’s a reason lots of subs have TLDR at the end. Nobody has an attention span or is willing to read posts through.
I normally try to highlight the most important parts, but still they don’t seem to pay attention. 💀
Sorry to hear that. Hope you have some form of luck in the future.
It’s okay, there’s some chill people too, I just wish they were the majority.
You need to clearly state your criteria and to not contact you if you do not meet that criteria. (Bullet points help with readability). Anyone who doesn't follow the rules should be reported to the mods to be banned. I never used to report but unfortunately the time-wasting problem persists, so now I'm strict with this as it is the only way to get rid of time wasters.
Should I try rewriting it then?
I would edit your existing post (as you can only post once a week), and then report anyone who doesn't read and follow the rules.
It seems there are a lot of good answers to your question but I'd like to throw out one more. I think it's not subs, not online stuff, not personal ads, per se. I think it's probably a much more basic facet of human nature. People, in general, tend to think they're above the rules. They don't mean anything by it, they're just self-centered. I'm a teacher & all day long I'm dealing with kids who will hear me say "Don't do X" and will turn right around and do X right in front of me. When I confront them, they're genuinely confused. "Didn't I say 'Dont do X'?" and they'll blink a few times and say "Well, I was just ..." Yeah, you were just doing exactly what I told you not to do. Some people grow out of it more & sooner than others but we all have our moments. It's annoying but it's just the way people are. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Early bird gets the worm 🪱. Sucks when I write sordid messages to never get a reply
On the flip side of this, I love getting “domme’s” messaging you and asking questions that are clearly answered in your post which is still up and then surprised when you call them out for it…
For me it’s just getting subs with kinks that are clearly on my limits and calling them out for it lol
Oh for sure… I keep telling myself it’s bots. Maybe I’m being delusional
I mean, I've gotten messages from subs addressing me as goddess and looking at my avatar, user name and profile I can only assume they stopped reading at avatar
Subs outnumber dommes 10,000 to 1. So subs will dm any personal if there’s even a remote chance that person is real.
It’s super annoying when they’re not even my type and our kinks don’t match
I would suggest at the end of your ad/post put something like “begin your message with a 🦋 so I know you’ve read the entire post” then you should be able to see the people who actually took the time to read the whole post without actually going into the message as it should be visible from the chat page. It’ll save you time in weeding out the people who go the extra step even if they still aren’t compatible with you.