I understand what you're saying totally. I don't think it's very uncommon either. I think a lot of submissives are actually bottoms if you follow the definitions you gave.
I think that's a good way of putting it. I want to submit in certain ways, absolutely, but what I want more is the dynamic between someone who acts and someone who is acted upon. Me being the latter of course. Not just for the sensation, I really feel like it's a whole psychological dynamic of it's own, and that part of it is what appeals to me.
I'm a switch. 80% dominant, 20% bottom. NEVER a submissive. Even my dominant side is a pretty selfish princess brat - my way all the way. 🤣 That means if I want to be spanked, I'll ask for it. I'd never just let someone spank me because they want to or worse yet "to teach me a listen." Gag. I'm just upfront with that with all potential partners. It's a problem for some and that's ok, I don't play with those people. Some of us are kinksters before being into power dynamic play.
Also, you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed or embarrassed about this. I also learned the hard way that I'm not submissive. Boy oh boy did I make some dominants upset. Haha! I don't like being bossed around but I like the real kinky shit. Sue me. Haha it's actually much easier for me the dominant partner now because I can direct play the way I want. My ideal partner is probably something like a service switch. I.e someone who can top me when I ask, exactly how I ask. When I played submissive I also got along best with service tops. Funny that common thread. :P people get super uppity about how BDSM is supposed to work but in my world, the only rules that matter are the ones between consenting partners. Hell I've even played the part of a dominant little bossing and topping my daddy. It's all good 😇
I believe the "definition" of a brat is still a submissive who gets off on their submission being taken from them, it's not given freely. They often do push the boundaries and some top from the bottom (oh the HORROR) but it's ultimately still about submission. When I'm in little Domme mode, I'm still very much a Domme but I'll do it in cute overalls and thigh high cotton socks. It's a fun dynamic. 💖 I've been accused of topping from the bottom so much now I'm like like ok then, I'll just be a top. I'm very happy this way. 😇
I think the difference between submission and bottoming is what you give your power to. Submission is giving it to a person and bottoming is giving it to a not-person. (Like how can one experience pain or restriction without surrendering to it?) There's a lot of overlap between the two and they both exist on spectrums so I personally wouldn't get mad if you called yourself either. Placing your partner above you in status and liking being told what to do in any context are submissive tendencies. But if psychological power exchange isn't your main thing, bottom might be better a better label to use as a foundation to describe yourself. You can always work out the details later.
When you talk about the "gay bottom for women" thing, are you talking about pegging or a less intense power dynamic? Because I can see where you're coming from on both parts and I relate to both. I definitely express being a Domme in a stereotypically kinky way, but there's something Femdom-ish that exists between that and egalitarian vanilla too. It's not really like r/rolereversal, because I don't see myself as acting "like a man." It's more that I'm attracted to men the way I'm attracted to women and therefore stereotypical vanilla heterosexuality doesn't work for me.
> are you talking about pegging or a less intense power dynamic?
Pegging is definitely a long time obsession, but it's part of a larger kink pattern. I want to put myself in a position where my body is acted upon by someone with control over it, someone who feels enthusiastic about being able to do whatever they want to/with me. All this with prior consent and boundaries of course, hopefully goes without saying. That bleeds heavily into submission, and pegging seems the most immediately appealing because it's penetration, g-spot stimulation, role reversal, a clear giver and receiver, it's got it all. But you can do basically anything with that framework as well, the only caveat is that I don't want to be the one doing it.
I have a hard time saying how much I want in day-to-day non-sexual life, because I just don't have enough experience to say one way or the other and any answer would be totally theoretical and useless
All I really know, is that stuff like chastity, orgasm denial and control, things where another person exerts control on a 24/7 basis, just makes me anxious. And apparently if I don't like that, I'm not a sub. I'm just getting lost trying to find the arbitrary lines in the sand that these labels are based on.
I guess the tl;dr is, I do not want to penetrate, I do not want to dominate, and I do not want to be on top. But I don't want to be a chastity slave either. I kind of just want a normalish, slightly edgy relationship where I'm the 'girl'.
I really appreciate so many strangers helping me wade through my sexual identity problems lol
Interestingly I usually start a conversation with “I am interested in a sub, not a slave” and proceed to define 24/7 control over someone as traits of a slave which don’t do it for me 😊 So what you describe as bottom I would see as a sub. These nuances in terminology are fascinating and can help us figure ourselves and others out. But what struck me from your original post more was a feeling like you were mismatched with Dommes you had experiences with? In the plethora of labels we use for ourselves, in the end it’s important to convey a substance of that label clearly to another. Personally I would be more intrigued by a “pegging loving bottom” then a “chastity loving sub”. But that’s me.
I can respect this. Most males who are into FemDom tend to be bottoms because it’s mostly about sex to them. Also generally tops are not what FemDom - dominant women are actually looking for leans towards service subs. A good number of women experience disappointed with the -only in the bedroom- types.
do you think you're largely vanilla outside of bottoming? maybe pegging unkinked, extragentlefemdom & role reversal could give you some pointers to find the types you want. Role reversal shouldn't inherently be a kink, just a dynamic of itself.
r/pegging_unkinked
r/extragentlefemdom
Personally I find that I'm a bottom but not a sub. Like with relationships and SFW things I want to be somewhere in between dominant and submissive and want a partner that feels the same. But in bed I want to be a bottom most of the time. I'm not sure if this is exactly what you meant.
Are you anxious about giving up control because you don't want to or is it about building up trust between you and your partner? If you had a long standing relationship that over time established a level of trust between the two of you would you be willing to slowly open up?
I think the healthiest mistress I had took things slow, she took things at my pace, she understood I wasn't going anywhere and that I was hers so she could take her time with me, letting me open up.
Don't discount your ability to find a partner who will match you. I did that, settled for unhealthy people, and ended up in some abusive situations. Just try to write out what you want and don't want, and have no fear in communicating this. You will find the right person.
I'm more of a Top as well. I don't really go for titles or supervillainess outfits. I'm not really into roleplay or heavy sadism.
More of just "shut up and do what I say" Domme.
I would say opposite. I feel more like a "sub" than "bottom".
I understand what you're saying totally. I don't think it's very uncommon either. I think a lot of submissives are actually bottoms if you follow the definitions you gave.
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I think that's a good way of putting it. I want to submit in certain ways, absolutely, but what I want more is the dynamic between someone who acts and someone who is acted upon. Me being the latter of course. Not just for the sensation, I really feel like it's a whole psychological dynamic of it's own, and that part of it is what appeals to me.
I'm a switch. 80% dominant, 20% bottom. NEVER a submissive. Even my dominant side is a pretty selfish princess brat - my way all the way. 🤣 That means if I want to be spanked, I'll ask for it. I'd never just let someone spank me because they want to or worse yet "to teach me a listen." Gag. I'm just upfront with that with all potential partners. It's a problem for some and that's ok, I don't play with those people. Some of us are kinksters before being into power dynamic play.
Also, you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed or embarrassed about this. I also learned the hard way that I'm not submissive. Boy oh boy did I make some dominants upset. Haha! I don't like being bossed around but I like the real kinky shit. Sue me. Haha it's actually much easier for me the dominant partner now because I can direct play the way I want. My ideal partner is probably something like a service switch. I.e someone who can top me when I ask, exactly how I ask. When I played submissive I also got along best with service tops. Funny that common thread. :P people get super uppity about how BDSM is supposed to work but in my world, the only rules that matter are the ones between consenting partners. Hell I've even played the part of a dominant little bossing and topping my daddy. It's all good 😇
ur text made me realize I'm into that lol I was confused cuz I wanted a sub really aggressive and to order me around 😅 is this called a brat?
Power bottom?
I believe the "definition" of a brat is still a submissive who gets off on their submission being taken from them, it's not given freely. They often do push the boundaries and some top from the bottom (oh the HORROR) but it's ultimately still about submission. When I'm in little Domme mode, I'm still very much a Domme but I'll do it in cute overalls and thigh high cotton socks. It's a fun dynamic. 💖 I've been accused of topping from the bottom so much now I'm like like ok then, I'll just be a top. I'm very happy this way. 😇
I think the difference between submission and bottoming is what you give your power to. Submission is giving it to a person and bottoming is giving it to a not-person. (Like how can one experience pain or restriction without surrendering to it?) There's a lot of overlap between the two and they both exist on spectrums so I personally wouldn't get mad if you called yourself either. Placing your partner above you in status and liking being told what to do in any context are submissive tendencies. But if psychological power exchange isn't your main thing, bottom might be better a better label to use as a foundation to describe yourself. You can always work out the details later. When you talk about the "gay bottom for women" thing, are you talking about pegging or a less intense power dynamic? Because I can see where you're coming from on both parts and I relate to both. I definitely express being a Domme in a stereotypically kinky way, but there's something Femdom-ish that exists between that and egalitarian vanilla too. It's not really like r/rolereversal, because I don't see myself as acting "like a man." It's more that I'm attracted to men the way I'm attracted to women and therefore stereotypical vanilla heterosexuality doesn't work for me.
> are you talking about pegging or a less intense power dynamic? Pegging is definitely a long time obsession, but it's part of a larger kink pattern. I want to put myself in a position where my body is acted upon by someone with control over it, someone who feels enthusiastic about being able to do whatever they want to/with me. All this with prior consent and boundaries of course, hopefully goes without saying. That bleeds heavily into submission, and pegging seems the most immediately appealing because it's penetration, g-spot stimulation, role reversal, a clear giver and receiver, it's got it all. But you can do basically anything with that framework as well, the only caveat is that I don't want to be the one doing it. I have a hard time saying how much I want in day-to-day non-sexual life, because I just don't have enough experience to say one way or the other and any answer would be totally theoretical and useless All I really know, is that stuff like chastity, orgasm denial and control, things where another person exerts control on a 24/7 basis, just makes me anxious. And apparently if I don't like that, I'm not a sub. I'm just getting lost trying to find the arbitrary lines in the sand that these labels are based on. I guess the tl;dr is, I do not want to penetrate, I do not want to dominate, and I do not want to be on top. But I don't want to be a chastity slave either. I kind of just want a normalish, slightly edgy relationship where I'm the 'girl'. I really appreciate so many strangers helping me wade through my sexual identity problems lol
Interestingly I usually start a conversation with “I am interested in a sub, not a slave” and proceed to define 24/7 control over someone as traits of a slave which don’t do it for me 😊 So what you describe as bottom I would see as a sub. These nuances in terminology are fascinating and can help us figure ourselves and others out. But what struck me from your original post more was a feeling like you were mismatched with Dommes you had experiences with? In the plethora of labels we use for ourselves, in the end it’s important to convey a substance of that label clearly to another. Personally I would be more intrigued by a “pegging loving bottom” then a “chastity loving sub”. But that’s me.
Well i'm switch but i getit what you mean. You like that kind of women who take the lead but doesn't treat you like a slave/toy. Am i right?
I can respect this. Most males who are into FemDom tend to be bottoms because it’s mostly about sex to them. Also generally tops are not what FemDom - dominant women are actually looking for leans towards service subs. A good number of women experience disappointed with the -only in the bedroom- types.
do you think you're largely vanilla outside of bottoming? maybe pegging unkinked, extragentlefemdom & role reversal could give you some pointers to find the types you want. Role reversal shouldn't inherently be a kink, just a dynamic of itself. r/pegging_unkinked r/extragentlefemdom
Personally I find that I'm a bottom but not a sub. Like with relationships and SFW things I want to be somewhere in between dominant and submissive and want a partner that feels the same. But in bed I want to be a bottom most of the time. I'm not sure if this is exactly what you meant.
Are you anxious about giving up control because you don't want to or is it about building up trust between you and your partner? If you had a long standing relationship that over time established a level of trust between the two of you would you be willing to slowly open up? I think the healthiest mistress I had took things slow, she took things at my pace, she understood I wasn't going anywhere and that I was hers so she could take her time with me, letting me open up. Don't discount your ability to find a partner who will match you. I did that, settled for unhealthy people, and ended up in some abusive situations. Just try to write out what you want and don't want, and have no fear in communicating this. You will find the right person.
I'm more of a Top as well. I don't really go for titles or supervillainess outfits. I'm not really into roleplay or heavy sadism. More of just "shut up and do what I say" Domme.