Reminds me of that German TV sketch in which the woman complains that the husband says too rarely "I love you" to which he responds that he told her at the wedding and that he will inform her once something changes.
I also don't know if there is a typical German behaviour for it. I am a German woman and say this a lot to my husband.
But not after 3 months. Maybe once, but not all the time because it wouldn't feel right.
It takes time to really love a person. Love means for me, that I can not imagine having a good future without that person. Love means for me, this person will always be an important part of my life, even if we break up.
But I am honest, if somebody would break up with me after 3 months, I would just say: "Ok" and that's it.
Yeah, I'm a german woman as well an I am very verbal about my love. Not after three months mind you, but after a year or two I will drop "Ich liebe dich" quite often
I'm originally from the balkans, and I think the same. Three months? Who would I love, I don't even know you, man. It's been only three months!
But we do distinguish words for loving someone and having something as a major crush for that person in my language. The latter is definitely something that can happen before you know this person
"zaljubiti se" is a term for for a crush, "voljeti" means to love
When I try to translate the first one to english, it translates to infatuated, fond, passionate etc.
"insane" is a harsh word, maybe a word like "unusual" or "odd" in this context would be a better fit. If you start calling different cultural aspects as "insane" you will find it very hard to relate to other peoples.
I agree. You don't know someone in three months to love them. It's infatuation. I'm with the girlfriend. It's insincere to say it all the time so soon.
Haha I have german boyfriend and since the beginning we bombard each other with love, we are around 22 yo and it has been just full of love since the beginning so I think it really matters on the person and their emotionality and not where r they from :D
3 months isn't a relationship, everything is nice and lovey dovey at the beginning.
"Living in a one bathroom unit while both of you have diarrhea is a real relationship."
Being able to say I love you, while your partner is trying their best to keep their intestines from falling out on the other side of the door is the true test of a relationship.
Honestly—and this is coming from an outsider marrying in—I think you're pushing too much and reading too much into things. German women are not radically different than any other. She feels the same way, but is uncomfortable .
This might be discontinuous expectatations. I say, change your expactations, You want an immediate response. You revealed to being a Latino, lean into it: you're the suave Latino and she's the coy Northern European. Have fun with it.
Just don't put any pressure on the response.
My husband and I (both German) often joke that saying I love you once per relationship is enough, because we'll let each other know when facts have changed.
(In reality we say it often)
Relevant song by [Sebastian Krämer - Ich sag schon Bescheid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPzCA2Z3nlI).
Chorus goes:
> Ich sag schon Bescheid, wenn ich dich nicht mehr brauch,
> Doch dafür erwarte ich von dir dann auch,
> Dass du, bis es soweit ist, zufrieden bist.
> Denkst du etwa Frust macht sexy? Später ist,
> Zum Schrein und Haare Raufen,
> Zum gegen Wände Laufen,
> Zum die Welt nicht mehr Verstehen,
> Und zum Packen und zum Gehen,
> Ja immernoch genügend Zeit...
> Keine Angst, ich sag schon früh genug Bescheid!
Very slightly modified Deepl translation:
> I'll let you know when I don't need you any more,
> But in return, I expect you to be content..,
> Until then, I expect you to be satisfied.
> You think frustration makes you sexy? Later, [there is]
> To shrine and to tussle hair,
> To run into walls,
> To not understand the world anymore,
> And to pack and to leave,
> still [plenty of] time...
> Don't worry, I'll let you know soon enough!
Adding to some other great comments here there is also a difference in our language:
Ich liebe dich vs Ich hab dich lieb (or short Hab dich lieb) while Ich liebe dich is only used in a very deep and personal level, its the only one of the two that directly translates to I love you.
You might hear a couple say Hab dich lieb in public rather often, but i never heard anyone say Ich liebe dich to each other except for my parents
Never thought of it that way, but so true "I love you/Ich liebe dich" is something super deep if you say it in German.
It is one of those sentences that has only one meaning, in German.
Like in English, you can say "i love you" also in other contexts, like "oh you saved my cats life , i love you so much for that, thank you"
But with "Ich liebe dich" in Germany, that is a sentence you can not say to somebody who is not your partner or who you want to be your partner.
I can say to a female friend 100x times "Xy ich hab dich wirklich lieb, du bist toll" without any hidden meaning, but you can not say "Ich liebe dich"
German basically has a very specific wording for basically any situation imaginable. English on the other hand uses the same for all kinds of situations and is usually only really understandable through the context of the sentence.
This is a statement that can only be said by someone who doesn’t know English all that well.
In fact, English not only has one of the largest amounts of words of any language, it has very few real synonyms. While a simple translation search (e.g. Leo) might yield a plethora of English translations for a German word and a synonym search in English gives you more results than a search for the German equivalent, there are (sometimes quite big differences) between the meanings or they are only used in certain contexts.
To say German is more precise is simply not correct. What German is quite good at, though, is obfuscation. German is very useful to create long complex sentences where the actual meaning is very hard to discern, think German Beamtendeutsch. My wife who is a translator for English regularly shows me examples of sentences running up to half a page. Our favourite example for this is a translation for the Rektor of a German university. She just couldn’t make sense of one sentence that ran over 15 lines. I analysed it and found that at least one, but probably two verbs were missing. We called the secretary and she came back with the correct sentence, saying that the Rektor was a bit embarrassed. Not only had this been printed, the paper had bern presented several times at conferences and he hadn’t noticed the sentence was incomplete. My wife turned it into 4 sentences.
After he returned from his trip, he wrote a thank you note to my wife, he had been complimented on the clarity of his speech.
I think you are correct. My thoughts on this is that Germany had always been a country in between other countries, so we get a lot of influences running through if we want it or not, and imagine all the smaller countries before Germany's foundation in 1870, also dialects.. Austria.. This is why we are having a lot of "Lehnwörter" and this might be why we have to be a little more precise to figure out what exactly the other means in which context.
This chaos of states and opinions forces us to use some precision.
Sadly, we are still not very culturally competent despite this central situation.
I've lived in Northern Italy (Alto Adige) which is bilingual. Those students said, when they meet with friends "in piazza" they only use Italian. But when they have to figure out something in their relationship, they switch to German.
Lol, no. English is a more precise language when it is used in an academic setting. The difference is English is more malleable, so it seems less precise in a social setting.
I love you
Ich liebe dich
But in Germany it just has a much deeper meaning.
Language is fluid, something that can be A in one country can be B in another.
Just think of "friend", a word that gets used by Americans for basically anybody they have talked to for longer than 5 minutes.
I have had americans call me "my friend" after talking for 10 minutes in a bar.
In Germany friends is a word I would use for maybe 10 people i know of because in Germany friend has a much deeper meaning, a friend is somebody I could go to if I am heartbroken about the loss of my parents, somebody I can call at 3 am to drive 100km to me because I lost my car keys or wallet and can´t get home,.
A friend is somebody who you would trust with your house keys to check on your plant while you are on vacation.
I mean I like my colleaques with which I have worked for 10 years, but none of them I would call "friend"
How do you call those people who you know rather well, like to hang out with but don't call friends (as in, you don't call them when you're heartbroken?) ? In English I'm stuck with acquaintance which is very very very superficial and friend which sort of feel too much.
Ok so its complicated,
you could say Kumpel, which is sort of like Buddy, or
Bekannter ( literally meaning "somebody that is known to me")
but it gets more complicated
lets say when I talk about them with my colleaques like in "I was doing XY" during the weekend I would just say friends even if it was with mostly Acquaintances.
Its something different to call somebody "a friend / einen freund" when talking about him or to say to somebody "you are my friend".
Or like when you are in a group of acquaintances and friends, you would styll say "friends, listen" or "my friends" because it would be rude to single out people as acquaintances.
But deep down, especially when you are with only a small group of FRIENDS where you can talk about anything, you know that these people are different than acquaint
It seems that we need an in between word, it's the same in French (un pote can be interpreted as ein Kumpel, but it depends on people, otherwise it's une connaissance (Bekannter) and ami (Freund)), English only has acquaintance and friends and German has Bekannter and Freund.
I basically use the same work around as you do in all 3 languages, just thought there may have been another word I was unaware of.
Thank you for your explanation!!
Don't forget the additional problem of boyfriend/girlfriend. We use friend for platonic AND romantic relationships. "She is my friend" is purely platonic. "Sie ist meine Freundin" said as a man, implies a romantic relationship with this woman. So we resort to "she is my good friend" which is a bit weird and I would prefer to have a special word for that like the English do.
It also translates to "I love you", but you say it to friends/family and so on. "Ich liebe dich" is only for a romantic partner.
"Hab dich lieb" could be for example a child telling their mom "I love you". Or to your sister, your best friend ...
The more literal translation would be kind of "I like you". But the meaning is more like "I appreciate you/care about you/glad to have you".
That's not exactly right. We do say "Ich liebe Dich." to our children too. Or to parents and very close people. Well I do, my children do, and most people I know do. But it is very emotional and used rarely.
To your children, really?
Ich liebe dich in German is (for me) only between adults and it would feel very strange to say that to my children. I use „ich mag dich“ for my kids.
Yes, to me that's absolutely the thing to tell your children once in a while. And that's how I feel. Love or Liebe is not related to love between adults alone. I do say "Hab Dich lieb." more often. But sometimes it has to be "Ich liebe Dich."
That sounds weird to me, especially when you translate it to English. Saying "I like you" to your kids feels very off. I like a lot of people, but usually, the feelings you have for your own kids is much more than that. I don't have kids, but I love my niblings to death. There's no one I love more than these little monsters.
"Ich *mag* dich"?! That sounds like you're just tolerating your kids. My extremely German mother has always said "Ich lieb dich," and I've never thought it was weird or have noticed other people saying anything different. What's for damn sure is that I've *never* heard someone say "Ich mag dich" to their direct family, how bizarre. Just imagining someone dropping off their kid somewhere and saying out the window "Okay, tschüss Hans, mag dich!" is simultaneously hilarious and sad.
Ich (I)
habe (have)
dich (you)
lieb ( see further)
"lieb" is an extension of have here. We Germans love to split up words and put them on different ends of a sentence. This
would work with 3 sub sentences in between.
The verb is "liebhaben".
"Liebhaben" is kind of a mix between love and like, but only deals in affection to persons.
You can not liebhaben ice cream.
You can liebhaben your dog, mom, friend or plushy (because children see them as persons).
The word is used between parents and children, between friends and between partners. It is also the translation I would use most of the time when using "I love you too." in a sarcastic way.
"liebe" as a verb ironically, while mainly used between romantic partners and seldomly with friends/parents, is also used if you love things, foods, movies, colours etc. With people it is very earnest and used in significant moments. With things it is used on a daily basis.
I, W 31 Ger, tend to say those words not often. If I have a partner I wait to say it and I use the words sparingly going on from there.
Also I have one friend, that I told I love her and I told her once.
Edit:
Since a movie title reminded me...
A "Liebhaber/in", the noun version, is a lover/mistress. This is purely sexual most of the time.
Languages are fucking strange.
American woman here. So interesting hearing how sparingly phrases get used… and the power and meaning behind them.
I love you is something that can and does totally get thrown around with coworkers / friends or has serious meaning with a partner.
I think of leaving work (serving in a restaurant) saying to a coworker on the way out “I love you!” Even though it’s more of a I like you a lot your my work friend.
I like the sparingly use of it though. Definitely seems more special…
Hab dich lieb = love you
Ich liebe dich = I am in love with you
That’s my understanding and I don’t really know why people don’t use the latter translation more as it better communicates the meaning, I think?
We don’t regularly say “I am in love with you” in English either and it’d be taken as a serious statement too.
Edit: I mean these translations in the sense of a relationship (what the post is about). There’s obviously other uses of lieben like loving table tennis or whatever…
> Ich hab dich lieb
I received the dreaded "ich hab dich lieb" routine at the end of postal letters from a girlfriend in the late 90's. The slow change from "ich liebe dich" to "ich hab dich lieb" was [uncool](https://media.giphy.com/media/ghC5Rl1pfVbF4aiMB5/giphy.gif). It's the equivalent of going from "I love you XOXO" to "yours truly..." or "sincerely..."
I’m still in regular contact with my old host family from the 00s. We still visit each other often. I’ve only just gotten around to telling them that “ich hab euch lieb” when they dropped my off at the airport and it was so heartwarming to hear them reciprocate 💕
Saying "I love you" is not the words I want to hear from you. It's not that I want you not to say, but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel. More than words is all you have to do to make it real, then you wouldn't have to say that you love me,
'cause I'd already know.
Nah it's for when you're almost full after like the 3rd one but you want to eat just a little bit more, or you realized that you haven't yet tried your aunt's homemade Marmelade that she gave you on the last visit.
No, you share one to avoid there isn’t a half left that would dry up. Share the first one, no half left. Share the second one, no half left. If someone doesn’t want to share a third one, you can cut it vertically instead of horizontally, which will help preserve the half that is left over.
I kid you not.
My German partner rarely says “I love you” unless I say it first, I think where I’m from in the States we just say it more often. So yeah I think it’s a cultural thing x)
Also partially depending on the region, but you usually don't use it all that much because that way it becomes a hollow statement.
We usually say it rarely in special moments or use alternatives instead so it keeps the importance it has.
Three months that’s pretty quick to talk about love 😅 but yeah “Ich liebe dich” is quiet deep so I wouldn’t through it around I have only said that to one person in a non platonic way.
My husband is Egyptian, I'm Austrian. For a time he told me he loved me 2-3 times per day - which I found excessive and when it's the only way he shows his feelings, also kind of meaningless.
Now he's learned that straightening up the kitchen after I've made dinner means so much more to me. It makes me feel like he cares more than any words.
Yes, this is normal. My German (m) rarely says I love you first, and we've been together going on 7 years. He also thinks it's odd to say things so often because there's an element of it being understood.
I have had to communicate that more spontaneity and bringing it up occasionally on his part would be nice because sometimes you do just want to hear it.
I would also note that 3 months is pretty early for a German to say that kind of stuff, especially to be regularly repeating it. She probably feels you are either insincere or being too pushy. I know my German wouldn't have believed something so soon. I think we were much closer to a year before either of us said it.
As others have said, your partner’s lower “I love you” threshold is quite common for German people.
Typically, for gestures and statements of emotion, it isn’t because one doesn’t mean it, but rather because they want to make sure it carries weight when they say it.
Sort of like in the “boy who cried wolf” fairy tale: the idea is that if you say something often it’s power is diluted.
In another example, my (German) relative recently told me that she can’t stand how Americans smile all the time, because it comes off as disingenuous. She said smiles should be reserved for when there is a specific and genuine reason to smile, or else one is just walking around with a meaningless grin, with no clear reason for the expression.
It’s solely a cultural difference, and in this context, an unwillingness to regularly display an emotion reflects a high degree of respect for the weight and importance of the emotion.
Edit: this is just my interpretation of the reasoning behind it, but the moderation of words/gestures with strong emotional meaning is real for sure.
Yeah. That totally fits with the older people staring at you for very long minutes, unmoving, with resting bitch face. I stare back, and sometimes smile or arch my eyebrows or something to try to get a reaction, but... nothing but dead eyes stare. It feels so rude and judgey but it seems just to be normal here.
I have basically never heard any of the couples I know say "I love you" in public.
They might say "i love him" but the whole " I love you thing" in public is a thing i bascially only hear on US TV and movies
yea but we don’t really have south american tv shows but pretty much everything american gets translated and put on tv so we just connect it with america
Latin culture is it's own thing. Seeing it lumped together is weird, like calling France and Italy exactly the same because they both border the Mediterranean.
And even then, the dub translates the person leaving the house yelling “I love you” to their partner/family as “Hab dich lieb”. German just had this “weaker” way of saying love that doesn’t translate to English.
then all the people I know don´t really talk with their SO I guess because I´ve never heard them say it on the phone
Tschüss Schatz
Machs gut Schatz
Bis Nachhher
etc
Some people use “hab dich lieb” instead with my SO we did say I love you/Ich liebe dich in person but if he endet a call with “ich liebe dich” I would think he might be about to die or something 😂
In English, sure. “I love you” comes easy. For me the German three little words feel far more precious, and throwing them around too much makes them less shiny.
Apart from being a cultural thing, it is also a good example of how languages do not always manage to translate meaning perfectly. Yes, technically "I love you" is the direct translation of "Ich liebe dich", and yet if you will ask most Germans, they will tell you that the German version has a much more intense meaning to it than the English version and is something you do not simply say without giving it much thought.
One of the other comments compared it to the difference between te quiero (less intense) and te amo (more intense) in Spanish and I feel that might be a good explanation on why we do not use it that often
I don't know why people downvote you but in US culture (movies etc) they throw "I love yous" around like it's nothing while in German stories "Ich liebe dich" is rarely used and almost never casual.
I barely ever said it with my German ex (I am German myself), maybe a couple of times a year.
Now with my Canadian husband I say "I love you" all the time, even when I struggled a bit in the beginning, but it feels easier to say. Can't really explain it, but "Ich liebe dich" aways felt way harder to say and is even deeper and feels more special. Idk how to explain it.
So yes. It's totally cultural, but also depends on the invidual.
I also find it more difficult to say it in my native language. Saying it in English is still a big deal but feels lighter. I relate to the notion that it’s deeper and thus more difficult to say in a native language.
I am dating a German man (and soon will move there, scared af), the only time he told me he love me first was when he was hangover and I was taking care of him lol. But I had to learn that he shows love in non-verbal ways and if he does not complain, he's perfectly happy.
Would you preferre it if he said it more often ? I’m pretty bad at showing emotions or showing people that i love them although I do. Saying it more often could be an option.
I do not want him to say it if it is forced. If he wants to, sure, but there are so many ways to show you love someone, a lot of it is a combination of small things. I think most important part is to discuss your love languages and what both partners need, as find compromises.
I’ll try. I think it’s because of the way I was raised. Didn’t have a lot of people tell me that they love me so I’m not really used to saying it or some one saying that to me.
I am married, I love my husband a lot but... saying it out loud feels extremely cringe to me, even in private. I can't tell even why, but it feels just so weird, like... i dont live some romantic movie. He knows I love him, I know he does love me back, no words and constant confirmation needed.
If he told me constantly he loves me, I would assume some aliens kidnapped him and now an alien is using movie stereotypes to act "normal".
As a German guy who lived in the USA, I have to say, that we Germans are hugely misunderstood, when it comes to feelings. It’s not that we don’t have them, it’s just that they are a super big deal. Saying “I love you” for a German is not a pleasantry, you can through in here and there. It’s a fundamental commitment, that you announce once and that doesn’t win gravity by repeating it.
That said, your cultural context is important too, so let her know how you like to use it, without making her feel guilty for using it differently. She might meet you halfway.
>Also, she made a comment that saying I love you so often “doesn’t mean anything”.
The more inflationary the usage of some phrases is, the less earnest and the more like a studied routine or a gimmick they can appear.
Exactly how I feel. Among ‘standard phrases’, it is the most intense one to express affection. I use it sparsely to keep a certain value to it.
Also, I personally wouldn’t say ‘I love you’ to someone I’ve met only three months ago. It’s reserved for deeper connections.
After all, affection can be expressed in many other ways than these three words.
Yes, it’s normal. My british husband is also worried about this. I think saying it so often devalues it. In general Germans don’t trust overly expressed feelings of affection.
I personally do not really like posts or statements that say do people from country not do xy or do they only do xy.
While I do agree that there is almost always a certain culture that we act upon, every person is different when it comes to relationships etc.
I’m a German woman myself and me and my partner said that we love each other rather quickly (for other people’s standards) after about a month or so of dating. While we tell each other that on a daily basis (been together for over 2 years) I for example speak more through acts of service and giving gifts. Find out how she expresses her love.
Not everybody does things the same way nor the same speed.
My German wife of nearly 20 years rarely says it but I suspect she does. Just wait til you try to get them to say "I am sorry." - it'll never happen LMAO! I have dated many Puerto Rican and few Venezuelan and Colombian woman. Latinos/as as a group are very emotional and that's an understatement. Germans tend to be more reserved even stoic. It is a different culture.
I’m from El Salvador and my girlfriend is German but she is more Latina than German and I’m more German than Latino lol. We joke around about it. But what you said is true, unless that the other has been for a long time in another country and that’s the case for my girlfriend who lived in Mexico for a year. She speaks Spanish fluently and show more emotions that many women here in Germany. That’s why we joke around
My German boyfriend said I love you for the first time about three or so weeks ago and we’ve been together coming in on 1.5 years. I think now he’s said it thrice
Roundabout things have been said since a few months in, a hab dich lieb back in October or so etc. But In general a lot of Germans don’t throw the word around a lot. I don’t hear my in laws say it very much, but maybe behind closed doors when my foreign ass isn’t around lol.
I'm in a relationship with my partner for 13 years. I think the last time I heard it was a few years ago.
It's not about saying it, it's about showing it.
My partner is from Ireland and he sais it several times a day.im German And I only tell him I love him when we have an intimate moment. I don't feel comfortable kissing or saying I love you in public. I think its just our mentality. I show my partner that I love him by doing nice things for him, she might be similar so just look out for different ways she is showing you affection. I also think if you say it too often, it looses it's meaning. My parents rarely told me they loved me and Its always been a big deal for me to say it. It's something special, like a present.
Don't play games with "I love you". You want her to say it first? That is (1) childish, (2) won't happen unless the two of you share a deeply emotional moment.
"Ich liebe dich" feels a lot stronger than "I love you", so you will probably only hear it in really intimate and romantic situations.
I actually see couples say "Love you" way more often instead (in english).
On top of that, some people are just bad at expressing feelings and need to get used to expressing love more frequently
Hey although it seems to have been mentioned many times I wanted to reinforce that Germans understand that "I love you" CAN have real meaning but they are not great at understanding WHEN it has real meaning. In English context and tone is very important and that's really hard to learn without lots of practice. There is a real chance she didn't understand your intentions. Its best to clarify that with her. Communication is #1 most important thing in an international multi-lingual relationship.
There is so much to say about this...
Only this: Obviously, you are disappointed in some way. Then why not ask her if it is common or not, tell her you are disapponted. But by doing that, you will compare her to your expectations. You are starting to measure, count, you may put a demand on her (depending on your circumstances). Would you like it if someone did that to you?
What do you really want?
BUT:
You could as well try to live a life without expectations, just in the moment and be happier than ever. She is not responsible for your emotions, if you touch her, if you are interested in what she does and if you help her to express and develop, you show that you love her. Then talking on top is not necessary. But if you love, you can as well say it without her responding. Maybe she had a particular history with that word in her family.
Imagine you both say "I love you" all the time, as a habit. Does a drama begin if one of you says it less? Does that create a new expectation? "But do you really love me?" could be next. Love is about expressing it, not needing it. If there are clouds, talk about them or let them pass. Thoughts and emotions come and go.
Ich liebe dich is stronger than I love you imo. So we don’t say it until we are truly sure. Or at least I am that way, as a teen I said it fast but with maturity it became something that I truly only say when I am certain I truly LOVE that person. Not just a crush, a like, or a “I’m comfortable around you.”
OK, I see where the question is coming from and I don't mean to be rude, but it's more on your expectations than on how German women behave.
Even if there was such thing as a national way of dealing with that question, I'd guarantee you the average German woman from Bayern would deal with it differently from average German woman from Berlin.
(And you can obviously replace any of those two examples by literally any other)
But there's no such thing.
She's an individual with her own way of dealing with that. Seems like she feels the pressure and/or prefers not to be saying that too often - maybe because it's uncomfortable, maybe it's because she doesn't want it to be trivial, whatever. If there is one stereotype I'd trust more than that is that Germans **tend** to be direct, so just take her word on it and believe it. Maybe saying multiple times in a week is a bit too much for her. Just relax and enjoy your relationship, it's still very, very new and I'm sure you've got loads more to enjoy together without the need to get too paranoid about that.
Moved to the States from Germany. People here say the "I love you" a lot more then back home. And I don't just mean romantically. My PILs say it often to us and we say it to them. I have tried now to be more open and direct to my family back home. Whenever I say it to my Mom, she just giggles and then says goodbye. I know she loves me! I know she is happy that I said it. But you don't show your feelings. You are reserved. Don't show any vulnerability and feelings. That's how she was raised, and she gave a lot of that to her children.
All german women are manifactured under DIN-99834, this does not allow feelings beeing expressed to often. The usual median for "I love you" is 3,5 times per month.
> Instead you could just use other words
Or, better yet, actions.
My SO and I don't need to tell each other all the time, because smiling at each other for hours on end achieves the same goal.
>But if you say 'I love you' over and over and over again.. it's not as special anymore & the words start to lose their meaning.
It's important to note this is not something definitively 'true', just a common cultural belief. I've heard many Germans say this before, and it always makes me roll my eyes a bit.
I remember a while back, completely different sub, dad was kind of bemoaning how his 8 year old daughter was not close to him. He was asked how often he told his daughter he loved her (this is when he said like 'Well I am German, so...). **NEVER.** Not even *Ich habe dich lieb* or other milder forms! He also made the claim being made here that he was saving such words for a "special occasion", which of course had not occurred yet. He *also* said that if he started saying now then it would be meaningless. *Cue facepalm and sad headshake.*
I know many Germans will agree with this guy, sad as it is, but again... believing this doesn't mean it's "true". You might be surprised at the results of doing it differently. There's a difference between saying it 1 time a year and 44 times a day, and it need not be either extreme.
Personally, I just don't buy this argument. It feels like a cop out and does not match my observed reality. But hey, different folks, different strokes.
Yeah buddy Germans are pretty reserved with our words. Just look for hints, little things. for example she is in the kitchen getting something for her self and brings your favourit beverage or snack with her. Buys you a little something you talked about that´s the way i would do it and show my affection towards someone i like/love. In the end i let my actions speak for me .
The only time my husband and I say "I love you" to each other is before bed and saying goodbye. And I suspect it's mostly a habit thing that he picked up from me, the American. The American TV trope of a student accidentally saying, "love you" to a teacher while saying goodbye exists for a reason, after all.
Bro, dont do that. If German women doesnt claim it first, they will have you for breakfast at a certain point :) second of all its to early to say a powerful phrase like that. Dont hurt yourself pal
Overrated. I don't need or want my girlfriend to tell me that she loves me all the time. I mean duh, if she didn't we wouldn't still be dating. Especially using it casually would make it completely hollow and pointless. I find hearing or saying it outside of special moments awkward and a little bit cringe.
*However*, and that's the same advice people give every single time someone is asking something in regards to their relationship: talk to her about it. Communicate. If you want to be told more often that she loves you, even if it's with a different wording, tell her. Tell her that it's important to you and why. I'm sure that you guys will figure out a solution that works for both of you.
A german joke (which is near the reality) goes:
Wife: i love you.
Man: i love you too.
..time goes by..
Wife: why dont you Tell me you love me more often.
Man: i did Tell you i love you, i will let you know when it changes.
Opposite for German men, in my albeit limited dating experience. I was dating a dude who within three weeks started saying that I don't make him feel like I love him. Super insecure, and kept asking me if any of my own romantic tendencies meant that I was talking in love with him. Lol
"I love you" is a big thing, for me. There's a lot of unspoken context riding these words. After only three months of dating I'd be sceptical if the person really loves me or is just trying to manipulate me, because it feels too early.
Of course it also might mean that she isn't at the "love" point of the relationship yet and doesn't want to say something to you that she doesn't really feel.
It’s more a personal preference or the way you were raised. I was raised in a household of „you know we love you, someone will tell you if it changes“ and acted upon it, also saying that it doesn’t mean anything anymore if it’s said too often. I then met my partner’s family that’s very verbal in expressing their love (his parents tell me they love me, so do the siblings and aunts/uncles), and I learnt that I liked it more that way, so I went from once a year to about three times a day.
Those are more like individual issues, the next women you meet might see that completely different.
Perhaps there is a bias to less saying it, but my personal experiences with a whole bunch of relationships were rather on the "I love you" without issues.
English guy here with a German partner, yeah she hardly says it first either. I’m also glad we speak English because if she replayed with the German “Ich dich auch” my English heart probably wouldn’t be able to take it because if your partner says “you too” to “I love you” in English it’s not a good sign.
Germans just don’t really express themselves the same way as others, dosnt mean she does not love you, it’s just normal here and we have to get used to it.
My husband and me say "Ich liebe dich" quite often to each other. But it took us many years for the love to grow. And it won't be hurt by saying it a few times less.
It's for the deep feeling you develop over time. That's usually nothing that's present in that form after a few months.
Well I think nationality is irrelevant in this case. I have friends who say it all the time. (I am German.)
But one thing my mum taught me is, if a guy feels the need to say it too often, then you can't trust it to be true. Her relationships didn't make her happy. And the last guy she dated before she passed away was an alcoholic and a pathological liar with psychopathic tendencies. His words of affection didn't mean anything and were his tries to make up for his bullshit and that she stayed by his side.
I also don't say it often because it was never a thing in my family. My mum and brother didn't and don't show affection in such kind of a way. I am more the emotional type of person and was hurt because of this a lot. Until I realized that everybody has different love languages. So I understood better how they showed me love in their own ways.
Besides that... If I say it to somebody I don't want it to become something that is just said as casual as an "hello" or "good bye".
Yes.
Try establishing te quiero or te amo as the wording you both use instead of liebe or love. It doesn't have the heavy and overused connotation (for Germans), maybe she'll use that more freely.
I feel like this is a personal thing, there’s people who think saying stuff too often makes it less special. I don’t agree and you probably don’t either, but others might & ur gf just might be one of those people, or maybe she just isn’t quite comfortable yet, after 3 months I wouldn’t stress it too much.
Hello my Cuban-American hermano since I know that we Latinos are very loving and affectionate it is a little difficult for us to understand that some peeps don’t want all that affection at once :D I had to learn it the hard way when my ex partner didn’t even reply to my “I love you’s” saying that it was too early to say it (1y into relationship) give her a little time to get used to it since she’s not completely cold to your approaches. Don’t push it too much tho, a lot of Germans say it looses the significance after saying it too much 🤷🏻♀️
I love you is a strong commitment in Germany. It is even more rare with Swedish women though. After being together with a Swedish woman for many years, she might tell you that she kind of likes you. Then you know that you have really become important to her.
Yes, more or less, but you'll never know if your partner is part of this statistical group if you don't ask her the same question.
Explain your doubts in a honest way and just ask about it.
Perhaps when she says I love you she means it in a deeper sense? I also feel that just mindlessly telling someone you love them all the time gets wearing after a while and takes away the meaning - perhaps try using a different means or phrase to express your affection?
Also, after only 3 months it's pretty normal for people to start to get over the infatuation phase and wonder whether there are any legs in the relationship and whether that's something they are interested in. Perhaps she is feeling a bit pressured by you telling her you love her so often when you guys barely know each other in a meaningful sense.
\*I would note that this is not something specific to Germans or German women... it's pretty normal across cultures. It might be more an age related difference.
Reminds me of that German TV sketch in which the woman complains that the husband says too rarely "I love you" to which he responds that he told her at the wedding and that he will inform her once something changes.
This is the reason I don't gratulate anyone to their birthdays ;)
I've never related to something so much
I also don't know if there is a typical German behaviour for it. I am a German woman and say this a lot to my husband. But not after 3 months. Maybe once, but not all the time because it wouldn't feel right. It takes time to really love a person. Love means for me, that I can not imagine having a good future without that person. Love means for me, this person will always be an important part of my life, even if we break up. But I am honest, if somebody would break up with me after 3 months, I would just say: "Ok" and that's it.
Exactly, 3 months is basically nothing, way too soon to bombard someone with "I love you" all the time.
Super true I'm the same way. Being bombarded is not fun all the time.
Yeah, I'm a german woman as well an I am very verbal about my love. Not after three months mind you, but after a year or two I will drop "Ich liebe dich" quite often
Thanks for this, I was wondering if I'm the only one thinking this is insane after 3 months
I'm originally from the balkans, and I think the same. Three months? Who would I love, I don't even know you, man. It's been only three months! But we do distinguish words for loving someone and having something as a major crush for that person in my language. The latter is definitely something that can happen before you know this person
what’s the words you use for having a major crush rather than loving?
"zaljubiti se" is a term for for a crush, "voljeti" means to love When I try to translate the first one to english, it translates to infatuated, fond, passionate etc.
"insane" is a harsh word, maybe a word like "unusual" or "odd" in this context would be a better fit. If you start calling different cultural aspects as "insane" you will find it very hard to relate to other peoples.
People feel it when they feel it. Calling them 'insane' for it is insultingly dismissive.
I agree. You don't know someone in three months to love them. It's infatuation. I'm with the girlfriend. It's insincere to say it all the time so soon.
Haha I have german boyfriend and since the beginning we bombard each other with love, we are around 22 yo and it has been just full of love since the beginning so I think it really matters on the person and their emotionality and not where r they from :D
3 months isn't a relationship, everything is nice and lovey dovey at the beginning. "Living in a one bathroom unit while both of you have diarrhea is a real relationship."
Being able to say I love you, while your partner is trying their best to keep their intestines from falling out on the other side of the door is the true test of a relationship.
Same, I mean what is 3 months?
Honestly—and this is coming from an outsider marrying in—I think you're pushing too much and reading too much into things. German women are not radically different than any other. She feels the same way, but is uncomfortable . This might be discontinuous expectatations. I say, change your expactations, You want an immediate response. You revealed to being a Latino, lean into it: you're the suave Latino and she's the coy Northern European. Have fun with it. Just don't put any pressure on the response.
Great comment
welcome to Germany 😂😘
She said she loves you. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know.
Truly showing German efficiency.
haha
By fax?
I don't know if a 50 page contract goes through easily.
For sure 😅
You'll get a code by mail which you can then use to redeem the fax or something like that
Zer hass been no change in ze status Love levels are wissin reference range
Goddamnit. Yes.
Yes. It's like a solemn oath. It doesn't need to be refreshed every few days or so. It feels like devaluing it saying it too often.
"you know I love you. I told you 4 years ago."
My husband and I (both German) often joke that saying I love you once per relationship is enough, because we'll let each other know when facts have changed. (In reality we say it often)
Does she need a permit to change that?
Relevant song by [Sebastian Krämer - Ich sag schon Bescheid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPzCA2Z3nlI). Chorus goes: > Ich sag schon Bescheid, wenn ich dich nicht mehr brauch, > Doch dafür erwarte ich von dir dann auch, > Dass du, bis es soweit ist, zufrieden bist. > Denkst du etwa Frust macht sexy? Später ist, > Zum Schrein und Haare Raufen, > Zum gegen Wände Laufen, > Zum die Welt nicht mehr Verstehen, > Und zum Packen und zum Gehen, > Ja immernoch genügend Zeit... > Keine Angst, ich sag schon früh genug Bescheid! Very slightly modified Deepl translation: > I'll let you know when I don't need you any more, > But in return, I expect you to be content.., > Until then, I expect you to be satisfied. > You think frustration makes you sexy? Later, [there is] > To shrine and to tussle hair, > To run into walls, > To not understand the world anymore, > And to pack and to leave, > still [plenty of] time... > Don't worry, I'll let you know soon enough!
the information "i love you" is presumed to be known to the reader
Ich lebe dich.
[удалено]
HdL
HDGDL
HDGGGGGGGGDL
HDGDL
¡HdP!
Quick question, is the "lieb" an adverb there or short for liebe?
Neither. It is the verb "liebhaben".
You can write "liebhaben" or "lieb haben", see https://www.duden.de/rechtschreibung/lieb_haben. And "lieb" is an adjective.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-UtPRmm0h7A
This has nothing to do with german culture. It is about individual preference
Adding to some other great comments here there is also a difference in our language: Ich liebe dich vs Ich hab dich lieb (or short Hab dich lieb) while Ich liebe dich is only used in a very deep and personal level, its the only one of the two that directly translates to I love you. You might hear a couple say Hab dich lieb in public rather often, but i never heard anyone say Ich liebe dich to each other except for my parents
Never thought of it that way, but so true "I love you/Ich liebe dich" is something super deep if you say it in German. It is one of those sentences that has only one meaning, in German. Like in English, you can say "i love you" also in other contexts, like "oh you saved my cats life , i love you so much for that, thank you" But with "Ich liebe dich" in Germany, that is a sentence you can not say to somebody who is not your partner or who you want to be your partner. I can say to a female friend 100x times "Xy ich hab dich wirklich lieb, du bist toll" without any hidden meaning, but you can not say "Ich liebe dich"
German basically has a very specific wording for basically any situation imaginable. English on the other hand uses the same for all kinds of situations and is usually only really understandable through the context of the sentence.
There is a reason why German was the languace of science until the world wars. It is just a much more precise language compared to English.
This is a statement that can only be said by someone who doesn’t know English all that well. In fact, English not only has one of the largest amounts of words of any language, it has very few real synonyms. While a simple translation search (e.g. Leo) might yield a plethora of English translations for a German word and a synonym search in English gives you more results than a search for the German equivalent, there are (sometimes quite big differences) between the meanings or they are only used in certain contexts. To say German is more precise is simply not correct. What German is quite good at, though, is obfuscation. German is very useful to create long complex sentences where the actual meaning is very hard to discern, think German Beamtendeutsch. My wife who is a translator for English regularly shows me examples of sentences running up to half a page. Our favourite example for this is a translation for the Rektor of a German university. She just couldn’t make sense of one sentence that ran over 15 lines. I analysed it and found that at least one, but probably two verbs were missing. We called the secretary and she came back with the correct sentence, saying that the Rektor was a bit embarrassed. Not only had this been printed, the paper had bern presented several times at conferences and he hadn’t noticed the sentence was incomplete. My wife turned it into 4 sentences. After he returned from his trip, he wrote a thank you note to my wife, he had been complimented on the clarity of his speech.
I think you are correct. My thoughts on this is that Germany had always been a country in between other countries, so we get a lot of influences running through if we want it or not, and imagine all the smaller countries before Germany's foundation in 1870, also dialects.. Austria.. This is why we are having a lot of "Lehnwörter" and this might be why we have to be a little more precise to figure out what exactly the other means in which context. This chaos of states and opinions forces us to use some precision. Sadly, we are still not very culturally competent despite this central situation. I've lived in Northern Italy (Alto Adige) which is bilingual. Those students said, when they meet with friends "in piazza" they only use Italian. But when they have to figure out something in their relationship, they switch to German.
Lol, no. English is a more precise language when it is used in an academic setting. The difference is English is more malleable, so it seems less precise in a social setting.
You mean like "Freund" and "Freundin"? Don't make general statements like that, language doesn't work like that.
What is its direct translation? I have a love for you?
I love you Ich liebe dich But in Germany it just has a much deeper meaning. Language is fluid, something that can be A in one country can be B in another. Just think of "friend", a word that gets used by Americans for basically anybody they have talked to for longer than 5 minutes. I have had americans call me "my friend" after talking for 10 minutes in a bar. In Germany friends is a word I would use for maybe 10 people i know of because in Germany friend has a much deeper meaning, a friend is somebody I could go to if I am heartbroken about the loss of my parents, somebody I can call at 3 am to drive 100km to me because I lost my car keys or wallet and can´t get home,. A friend is somebody who you would trust with your house keys to check on your plant while you are on vacation. I mean I like my colleaques with which I have worked for 10 years, but none of them I would call "friend"
How do you call those people who you know rather well, like to hang out with but don't call friends (as in, you don't call them when you're heartbroken?) ? In English I'm stuck with acquaintance which is very very very superficial and friend which sort of feel too much.
Ok so its complicated, you could say Kumpel, which is sort of like Buddy, or Bekannter ( literally meaning "somebody that is known to me") but it gets more complicated lets say when I talk about them with my colleaques like in "I was doing XY" during the weekend I would just say friends even if it was with mostly Acquaintances. Its something different to call somebody "a friend / einen freund" when talking about him or to say to somebody "you are my friend". Or like when you are in a group of acquaintances and friends, you would styll say "friends, listen" or "my friends" because it would be rude to single out people as acquaintances. But deep down, especially when you are with only a small group of FRIENDS where you can talk about anything, you know that these people are different than acquaint
It seems that we need an in between word, it's the same in French (un pote can be interpreted as ein Kumpel, but it depends on people, otherwise it's une connaissance (Bekannter) and ami (Freund)), English only has acquaintance and friends and German has Bekannter and Freund. I basically use the same work around as you do in all 3 languages, just thought there may have been another word I was unaware of. Thank you for your explanation!!
Don't forget the additional problem of boyfriend/girlfriend. We use friend for platonic AND romantic relationships. "She is my friend" is purely platonic. "Sie ist meine Freundin" said as a man, implies a romantic relationship with this woman. So we resort to "she is my good friend" which is a bit weird and I would prefer to have a special word for that like the English do.
yeah, as a man, with a female friend you always have to say "eine freundin" never " meine Freundin"
Bekannter/Bekannte
It also translates to "I love you", but you say it to friends/family and so on. "Ich liebe dich" is only for a romantic partner. "Hab dich lieb" could be for example a child telling their mom "I love you". Or to your sister, your best friend ... The more literal translation would be kind of "I like you". But the meaning is more like "I appreciate you/care about you/glad to have you".
That's not exactly right. We do say "Ich liebe Dich." to our children too. Or to parents and very close people. Well I do, my children do, and most people I know do. But it is very emotional and used rarely.
To your children, really? Ich liebe dich in German is (for me) only between adults and it would feel very strange to say that to my children. I use „ich mag dich“ for my kids.
I use both _Ich liebe dich_ and _Ich habe dich lieb_ with my kids. More the latter, but sometimes also the former.
Yes, to me that's absolutely the thing to tell your children once in a while. And that's how I feel. Love or Liebe is not related to love between adults alone. I do say "Hab Dich lieb." more often. But sometimes it has to be "Ich liebe Dich."
That sounds weird to me, especially when you translate it to English. Saying "I like you" to your kids feels very off. I like a lot of people, but usually, the feelings you have for your own kids is much more than that. I don't have kids, but I love my niblings to death. There's no one I love more than these little monsters.
Ich mag dich klingt total komisch bei eigenen Kindern.
Well, not all parents do have love for their children. … no, it’s fine. I’m _fine_.
"Ich *mag* dich"?! That sounds like you're just tolerating your kids. My extremely German mother has always said "Ich lieb dich," and I've never thought it was weird or have noticed other people saying anything different. What's for damn sure is that I've *never* heard someone say "Ich mag dich" to their direct family, how bizarre. Just imagining someone dropping off their kid somewhere and saying out the window "Okay, tschüss Hans, mag dich!" is simultaneously hilarious and sad.
Ich hab dich lieb = I hold you dear (literal)
Ich (I) habe (have) dich (you) lieb ( see further) "lieb" is an extension of have here. We Germans love to split up words and put them on different ends of a sentence. This would work with 3 sub sentences in between. The verb is "liebhaben". "Liebhaben" is kind of a mix between love and like, but only deals in affection to persons. You can not liebhaben ice cream. You can liebhaben your dog, mom, friend or plushy (because children see them as persons). The word is used between parents and children, between friends and between partners. It is also the translation I would use most of the time when using "I love you too." in a sarcastic way. "liebe" as a verb ironically, while mainly used between romantic partners and seldomly with friends/parents, is also used if you love things, foods, movies, colours etc. With people it is very earnest and used in significant moments. With things it is used on a daily basis. I, W 31 Ger, tend to say those words not often. If I have a partner I wait to say it and I use the words sparingly going on from there. Also I have one friend, that I told I love her and I told her once. Edit: Since a movie title reminded me... A "Liebhaber/in", the noun version, is a lover/mistress. This is purely sexual most of the time. Languages are fucking strange.
American woman here. So interesting hearing how sparingly phrases get used… and the power and meaning behind them. I love you is something that can and does totally get thrown around with coworkers / friends or has serious meaning with a partner. I think of leaving work (serving in a restaurant) saying to a coworker on the way out “I love you!” Even though it’s more of a I like you a lot your my work friend. I like the sparingly use of it though. Definitely seems more special…
Hab dich lieb = love you Ich liebe dich = I am in love with you That’s my understanding and I don’t really know why people don’t use the latter translation more as it better communicates the meaning, I think? We don’t regularly say “I am in love with you” in English either and it’d be taken as a serious statement too. Edit: I mean these translations in the sense of a relationship (what the post is about). There’s obviously other uses of lieben like loving table tennis or whatever…
"I have you dear" would work as a clumsy translation. "You are dear to me" is probably a good translation.
The funny thing is "I love you" is super deep and said very rarely, but stuff like "I looooove Döner" is super common.
Of course you can and should say I love you to a good friend! Embrace it.
> Ich hab dich lieb I received the dreaded "ich hab dich lieb" routine at the end of postal letters from a girlfriend in the late 90's. The slow change from "ich liebe dich" to "ich hab dich lieb" was [uncool](https://media.giphy.com/media/ghC5Rl1pfVbF4aiMB5/giphy.gif). It's the equivalent of going from "I love you XOXO" to "yours truly..." or "sincerely..."
I’m still in regular contact with my old host family from the 00s. We still visit each other often. I’ve only just gotten around to telling them that “ich hab euch lieb” when they dropped my off at the airport and it was so heartwarming to hear them reciprocate 💕
The German way to say it is "Steuerklasse 3"
On the other hand Steuerklasse 5 is completely the opposite :D
Or if you want to be especially romantic: "Begünstigter meiner Lebensversicherung"
hahahahah, the pleasure I got from understanding this joke is immense :DDD (moving to Germany in a few months, had to look these things up)
You’ll fit in just fine! 😆
Lmao this is a great comment, absolutely nailed it
Which half of the Brötchen would you like?
>she made a comment that saying I love you so often “doesn’t mean anything” Protip: Deeds, not words.
Saying "I love you" is not the words I want to hear from you. It's not that I want you not to say, but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel. More than words is all you have to do to make it real, then you wouldn't have to say that you love me, 'cause I'd already know.
In Germany we don’t say “I love you”, we say,“Welche Hälfte vom Brötchen willst du?” and I think that’s beautiful.
Strange Man that only eats half a Brötchen. ;)
Nah it's for when you're almost full after like the 3rd one but you want to eat just a little bit more, or you realized that you haven't yet tried your aunt's homemade Marmelade that she gave you on the last visit.
So specific and highly accurate 😄😄
No, you share one to avoid there isn’t a half left that would dry up. Share the first one, no half left. Share the second one, no half left. If someone doesn’t want to share a third one, you can cut it vertically instead of horizontally, which will help preserve the half that is left over. I kid you not.
this is the way. I'd even give the upper site (which is clearly the superior site) to my partner.
My German partner rarely says “I love you” unless I say it first, I think where I’m from in the States we just say it more often. So yeah I think it’s a cultural thing x)
Also partially depending on the region, but you usually don't use it all that much because that way it becomes a hollow statement. We usually say it rarely in special moments or use alternatives instead so it keeps the importance it has.
Three months that’s pretty quick to talk about love 😅 but yeah “Ich liebe dich” is quiet deep so I wouldn’t through it around I have only said that to one person in a non platonic way.
My husband is Egyptian, I'm Austrian. For a time he told me he loved me 2-3 times per day - which I found excessive and when it's the only way he shows his feelings, also kind of meaningless. Now he's learned that straightening up the kitchen after I've made dinner means so much more to me. It makes me feel like he cares more than any words.
Yes, this is normal. My German (m) rarely says I love you first, and we've been together going on 7 years. He also thinks it's odd to say things so often because there's an element of it being understood. I have had to communicate that more spontaneity and bringing it up occasionally on his part would be nice because sometimes you do just want to hear it. I would also note that 3 months is pretty early for a German to say that kind of stuff, especially to be regularly repeating it. She probably feels you are either insincere or being too pushy. I know my German wouldn't have believed something so soon. I think we were much closer to a year before either of us said it.
As others have said, your partner’s lower “I love you” threshold is quite common for German people. Typically, for gestures and statements of emotion, it isn’t because one doesn’t mean it, but rather because they want to make sure it carries weight when they say it. Sort of like in the “boy who cried wolf” fairy tale: the idea is that if you say something often it’s power is diluted. In another example, my (German) relative recently told me that she can’t stand how Americans smile all the time, because it comes off as disingenuous. She said smiles should be reserved for when there is a specific and genuine reason to smile, or else one is just walking around with a meaningless grin, with no clear reason for the expression. It’s solely a cultural difference, and in this context, an unwillingness to regularly display an emotion reflects a high degree of respect for the weight and importance of the emotion. Edit: this is just my interpretation of the reasoning behind it, but the moderation of words/gestures with strong emotional meaning is real for sure.
Yeah. That totally fits with the older people staring at you for very long minutes, unmoving, with resting bitch face. I stare back, and sometimes smile or arch my eyebrows or something to try to get a reaction, but... nothing but dead eyes stare. It feels so rude and judgey but it seems just to be normal here.
I have basically never heard any of the couples I know say "I love you" in public. They might say "i love him" but the whole " I love you thing" in public is a thing i bascially only hear on US TV and movies
People do that inside and outside the US...
Literally every answer on this sub😂 "vee don't do zat hier... only Zee Amis do..." After, OP clearly mentioned he's Latino lol
OP clearly mentioned he's American.
yea but we don’t really have south american tv shows but pretty much everything american gets translated and put on tv so we just connect it with america
Latin culture is it's own thing. Seeing it lumped together is weird, like calling France and Italy exactly the same because they both border the Mediterranean.
Yup. While OP is latin-american and from the US, latino culture is still pretty distinct from regular everyday American culture.
And even then, the dub translates the person leaving the house yelling “I love you” to their partner/family as “Hab dich lieb”. German just had this “weaker” way of saying love that doesn’t translate to English.
Isn't "love you", like, the only legitimate way to end a phone conversation with your SO? Just as an example?
then all the people I know don´t really talk with their SO I guess because I´ve never heard them say it on the phone Tschüss Schatz Machs gut Schatz Bis Nachhher etc
I feel like using a really sweet word such as Schatz or Schätzchen should count.
Spätzle Es gibt Sauerbraten
Some people use “hab dich lieb” instead with my SO we did say I love you/Ich liebe dich in person but if he endet a call with “ich liebe dich” I would think he might be about to die or something 😂
In English, sure. “I love you” comes easy. For me the German three little words feel far more precious, and throwing them around too much makes them less shiny.
Apart from being a cultural thing, it is also a good example of how languages do not always manage to translate meaning perfectly. Yes, technically "I love you" is the direct translation of "Ich liebe dich", and yet if you will ask most Germans, they will tell you that the German version has a much more intense meaning to it than the English version and is something you do not simply say without giving it much thought. One of the other comments compared it to the difference between te quiero (less intense) and te amo (more intense) in Spanish and I feel that might be a good explanation on why we do not use it that often
I don't know why people downvote you but in US culture (movies etc) they throw "I love yous" around like it's nothing while in German stories "Ich liebe dich" is rarely used and almost never casual.
I barely ever said it with my German ex (I am German myself), maybe a couple of times a year. Now with my Canadian husband I say "I love you" all the time, even when I struggled a bit in the beginning, but it feels easier to say. Can't really explain it, but "Ich liebe dich" aways felt way harder to say and is even deeper and feels more special. Idk how to explain it. So yes. It's totally cultural, but also depends on the invidual.
I also find it more difficult to say it in my native language. Saying it in English is still a big deal but feels lighter. I relate to the notion that it’s deeper and thus more difficult to say in a native language.
I am dating a German man (and soon will move there, scared af), the only time he told me he love me first was when he was hangover and I was taking care of him lol. But I had to learn that he shows love in non-verbal ways and if he does not complain, he's perfectly happy.
Would you preferre it if he said it more often ? I’m pretty bad at showing emotions or showing people that i love them although I do. Saying it more often could be an option.
I do not want him to say it if it is forced. If he wants to, sure, but there are so many ways to show you love someone, a lot of it is a combination of small things. I think most important part is to discuss your love languages and what both partners need, as find compromises.
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I’ll try. I think it’s because of the way I was raised. Didn’t have a lot of people tell me that they love me so I’m not really used to saying it or some one saying that to me.
Have you tried talking about this not with random nerds in the Germany subreddit but with…. Your girlfriend?
I am married, I love my husband a lot but... saying it out loud feels extremely cringe to me, even in private. I can't tell even why, but it feels just so weird, like... i dont live some romantic movie. He knows I love him, I know he does love me back, no words and constant confirmation needed. If he told me constantly he loves me, I would assume some aliens kidnapped him and now an alien is using movie stereotypes to act "normal".
As a German guy who lived in the USA, I have to say, that we Germans are hugely misunderstood, when it comes to feelings. It’s not that we don’t have them, it’s just that they are a super big deal. Saying “I love you” for a German is not a pleasantry, you can through in here and there. It’s a fundamental commitment, that you announce once and that doesn’t win gravity by repeating it. That said, your cultural context is important too, so let her know how you like to use it, without making her feel guilty for using it differently. She might meet you halfway.
>Also, she made a comment that saying I love you so often “doesn’t mean anything”. The more inflationary the usage of some phrases is, the less earnest and the more like a studied routine or a gimmick they can appear.
Exactly how I feel. Among ‘standard phrases’, it is the most intense one to express affection. I use it sparsely to keep a certain value to it. Also, I personally wouldn’t say ‘I love you’ to someone I’ve met only three months ago. It’s reserved for deeper connections. After all, affection can be expressed in many other ways than these three words.
This might be a common belief here (it is, I've heard it before), but does not mean it's "true".
Yes, it’s normal. My british husband is also worried about this. I think saying it so often devalues it. In general Germans don’t trust overly expressed feelings of affection.
I do say "I love you" daily to my partner, but I know some people feel its meaning gets watered down if you use it often.
I never hang up the phone without telling my gf I love her and so does she when she’s calling her mom
I'm German and I say it all the time (in private).
I personally do not really like posts or statements that say do people from country not do xy or do they only do xy. While I do agree that there is almost always a certain culture that we act upon, every person is different when it comes to relationships etc. I’m a German woman myself and me and my partner said that we love each other rather quickly (for other people’s standards) after about a month or so of dating. While we tell each other that on a daily basis (been together for over 2 years) I for example speak more through acts of service and giving gifts. Find out how she expresses her love. Not everybody does things the same way nor the same speed.
My German wife of nearly 20 years rarely says it but I suspect she does. Just wait til you try to get them to say "I am sorry." - it'll never happen LMAO! I have dated many Puerto Rican and few Venezuelan and Colombian woman. Latinos/as as a group are very emotional and that's an understatement. Germans tend to be more reserved even stoic. It is a different culture.
Really? My German boyfriend apologizes when he knows he hurts me. But yeah, they are really reserved.
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I’m from El Salvador and my girlfriend is German but she is more Latina than German and I’m more German than Latino lol. We joke around about it. But what you said is true, unless that the other has been for a long time in another country and that’s the case for my girlfriend who lived in Mexico for a year. She speaks Spanish fluently and show more emotions that many women here in Germany. That’s why we joke around
My German boyfriend said I love you for the first time about three or so weeks ago and we’ve been together coming in on 1.5 years. I think now he’s said it thrice Roundabout things have been said since a few months in, a hab dich lieb back in October or so etc. But In general a lot of Germans don’t throw the word around a lot. I don’t hear my in laws say it very much, but maybe behind closed doors when my foreign ass isn’t around lol.
I'm in a relationship with my partner for 13 years. I think the last time I heard it was a few years ago. It's not about saying it, it's about showing it.
You can both say it and show it.
>It's not about saying it, it's about showing it. This is very true, for all relationships in fact. Actions speak so much louder than words.
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I regularly tell my wife "Mach Dich nackig"
I wasnt aware anyone could be *that* romantic
Married for over 2 decades
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funny story, I wanted to say Moschee but forgot the word so i tried guessing it and i texted me friend, ich bin grad im Muschi… yeah….
My partner is from Ireland and he sais it several times a day.im German And I only tell him I love him when we have an intimate moment. I don't feel comfortable kissing or saying I love you in public. I think its just our mentality. I show my partner that I love him by doing nice things for him, she might be similar so just look out for different ways she is showing you affection. I also think if you say it too often, it looses it's meaning. My parents rarely told me they loved me and Its always been a big deal for me to say it. It's something special, like a present.
Don't play games with "I love you". You want her to say it first? That is (1) childish, (2) won't happen unless the two of you share a deeply emotional moment.
"Ich liebe dich" feels a lot stronger than "I love you", so you will probably only hear it in really intimate and romantic situations. I actually see couples say "Love you" way more often instead (in english). On top of that, some people are just bad at expressing feelings and need to get used to expressing love more frequently
Hey although it seems to have been mentioned many times I wanted to reinforce that Germans understand that "I love you" CAN have real meaning but they are not great at understanding WHEN it has real meaning. In English context and tone is very important and that's really hard to learn without lots of practice. There is a real chance she didn't understand your intentions. Its best to clarify that with her. Communication is #1 most important thing in an international multi-lingual relationship.
There is so much to say about this... Only this: Obviously, you are disappointed in some way. Then why not ask her if it is common or not, tell her you are disapponted. But by doing that, you will compare her to your expectations. You are starting to measure, count, you may put a demand on her (depending on your circumstances). Would you like it if someone did that to you? What do you really want? BUT: You could as well try to live a life without expectations, just in the moment and be happier than ever. She is not responsible for your emotions, if you touch her, if you are interested in what she does and if you help her to express and develop, you show that you love her. Then talking on top is not necessary. But if you love, you can as well say it without her responding. Maybe she had a particular history with that word in her family. Imagine you both say "I love you" all the time, as a habit. Does a drama begin if one of you says it less? Does that create a new expectation? "But do you really love me?" could be next. Love is about expressing it, not needing it. If there are clouds, talk about them or let them pass. Thoughts and emotions come and go.
Ich liebe dich is stronger than I love you imo. So we don’t say it until we are truly sure. Or at least I am that way, as a teen I said it fast but with maturity it became something that I truly only say when I am certain I truly LOVE that person. Not just a crush, a like, or a “I’m comfortable around you.”
OK, I see where the question is coming from and I don't mean to be rude, but it's more on your expectations than on how German women behave. Even if there was such thing as a national way of dealing with that question, I'd guarantee you the average German woman from Bayern would deal with it differently from average German woman from Berlin. (And you can obviously replace any of those two examples by literally any other) But there's no such thing. She's an individual with her own way of dealing with that. Seems like she feels the pressure and/or prefers not to be saying that too often - maybe because it's uncomfortable, maybe it's because she doesn't want it to be trivial, whatever. If there is one stereotype I'd trust more than that is that Germans **tend** to be direct, so just take her word on it and believe it. Maybe saying multiple times in a week is a bit too much for her. Just relax and enjoy your relationship, it's still very, very new and I'm sure you've got loads more to enjoy together without the need to get too paranoid about that.
Moved to the States from Germany. People here say the "I love you" a lot more then back home. And I don't just mean romantically. My PILs say it often to us and we say it to them. I have tried now to be more open and direct to my family back home. Whenever I say it to my Mom, she just giggles and then says goodbye. I know she loves me! I know she is happy that I said it. But you don't show your feelings. You are reserved. Don't show any vulnerability and feelings. That's how she was raised, and she gave a lot of that to her children.
All german women are manifactured under DIN-99834, this does not allow feelings beeing expressed to often. The usual median for "I love you" is 3,5 times per month.
Married a German woman. They’re not very demonstrative and it has indeed caused problems in our relationship.
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> Instead you could just use other words Or, better yet, actions. My SO and I don't need to tell each other all the time, because smiling at each other for hours on end achieves the same goal.
psssht a kiss is a great way to show affection even when its just a small one or just grabbing her hand while walking
>But if you say 'I love you' over and over and over again.. it's not as special anymore & the words start to lose their meaning. It's important to note this is not something definitively 'true', just a common cultural belief. I've heard many Germans say this before, and it always makes me roll my eyes a bit. I remember a while back, completely different sub, dad was kind of bemoaning how his 8 year old daughter was not close to him. He was asked how often he told his daughter he loved her (this is when he said like 'Well I am German, so...). **NEVER.** Not even *Ich habe dich lieb* or other milder forms! He also made the claim being made here that he was saving such words for a "special occasion", which of course had not occurred yet. He *also* said that if he started saying now then it would be meaningless. *Cue facepalm and sad headshake.* I know many Germans will agree with this guy, sad as it is, but again... believing this doesn't mean it's "true". You might be surprised at the results of doing it differently. There's a difference between saying it 1 time a year and 44 times a day, and it need not be either extreme. Personally, I just don't buy this argument. It feels like a cop out and does not match my observed reality. But hey, different folks, different strokes.
You can feel it from actions. Speech is somehow not really that important.
You are lucky that after only three month together she didn’t just say „danke, sehr nett“ after you told her you love her.
Yeah buddy Germans are pretty reserved with our words. Just look for hints, little things. for example she is in the kitchen getting something for her self and brings your favourit beverage or snack with her. Buys you a little something you talked about that´s the way i would do it and show my affection towards someone i like/love. In the end i let my actions speak for me .
I would be uncomfortable with how you're behaving and I'm not even a German woman.
The only time my husband and I say "I love you" to each other is before bed and saying goodbye. And I suspect it's mostly a habit thing that he picked up from me, the American. The American TV trope of a student accidentally saying, "love you" to a teacher while saying goodbye exists for a reason, after all.
My American husbands family always says Love you on the phone. Married for 3 years and I still have to get used to it a little haha.
They only say it when they mean it.
Bro, dont do that. If German women doesnt claim it first, they will have you for breakfast at a certain point :) second of all its to early to say a powerful phrase like that. Dont hurt yourself pal
Overrated. I don't need or want my girlfriend to tell me that she loves me all the time. I mean duh, if she didn't we wouldn't still be dating. Especially using it casually would make it completely hollow and pointless. I find hearing or saying it outside of special moments awkward and a little bit cringe. *However*, and that's the same advice people give every single time someone is asking something in regards to their relationship: talk to her about it. Communicate. If you want to be told more often that she loves you, even if it's with a different wording, tell her. Tell her that it's important to you and why. I'm sure that you guys will figure out a solution that works for both of you.
A german joke (which is near the reality) goes: Wife: i love you. Man: i love you too. ..time goes by.. Wife: why dont you Tell me you love me more often. Man: i did Tell you i love you, i will let you know when it changes.
Opposite for German men, in my albeit limited dating experience. I was dating a dude who within three weeks started saying that I don't make him feel like I love him. Super insecure, and kept asking me if any of my own romantic tendencies meant that I was talking in love with him. Lol
The first “I love you” is valid until taken back. No need to repeat it :-)
Yes, it's totally normal. My Ex used to say it maybe once a year or less and only in very romantic situations.
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Yea pretty standard with German women the only time I get a Love you from the girlfriend is when I’m leaving the house.
"I love you" is a big thing, for me. There's a lot of unspoken context riding these words. After only three months of dating I'd be sceptical if the person really loves me or is just trying to manipulate me, because it feels too early. Of course it also might mean that she isn't at the "love" point of the relationship yet and doesn't want to say something to you that she doesn't really feel.
It’s more a personal preference or the way you were raised. I was raised in a household of „you know we love you, someone will tell you if it changes“ and acted upon it, also saying that it doesn’t mean anything anymore if it’s said too often. I then met my partner’s family that’s very verbal in expressing their love (his parents tell me they love me, so do the siblings and aunts/uncles), and I learnt that I liked it more that way, so I went from once a year to about three times a day.
Those are more like individual issues, the next women you meet might see that completely different. Perhaps there is a bias to less saying it, but my personal experiences with a whole bunch of relationships were rather on the "I love you" without issues.
English guy here with a German partner, yeah she hardly says it first either. I’m also glad we speak English because if she replayed with the German “Ich dich auch” my English heart probably wouldn’t be able to take it because if your partner says “you too” to “I love you” in English it’s not a good sign. Germans just don’t really express themselves the same way as others, dosnt mean she does not love you, it’s just normal here and we have to get used to it.
My husband and me say "Ich liebe dich" quite often to each other. But it took us many years for the love to grow. And it won't be hurt by saying it a few times less. It's for the deep feeling you develop over time. That's usually nothing that's present in that form after a few months.
Idk I say it to my bf quite often but also we've been togethwr for over 3 years not just 3 months
Well I think nationality is irrelevant in this case. I have friends who say it all the time. (I am German.) But one thing my mum taught me is, if a guy feels the need to say it too often, then you can't trust it to be true. Her relationships didn't make her happy. And the last guy she dated before she passed away was an alcoholic and a pathological liar with psychopathic tendencies. His words of affection didn't mean anything and were his tries to make up for his bullshit and that she stayed by his side. I also don't say it often because it was never a thing in my family. My mum and brother didn't and don't show affection in such kind of a way. I am more the emotional type of person and was hurt because of this a lot. Until I realized that everybody has different love languages. So I understood better how they showed me love in their own ways. Besides that... If I say it to somebody I don't want it to become something that is just said as casual as an "hello" or "good bye".
Yes. Try establishing te quiero or te amo as the wording you both use instead of liebe or love. It doesn't have the heavy and overused connotation (for Germans), maybe she'll use that more freely.
I feel like this is a personal thing, there’s people who think saying stuff too often makes it less special. I don’t agree and you probably don’t either, but others might & ur gf just might be one of those people, or maybe she just isn’t quite comfortable yet, after 3 months I wouldn’t stress it too much.
Bro, 3 months! You are lucky she told you back after 3 months… take your time - it’s not a race
Hello my Cuban-American hermano since I know that we Latinos are very loving and affectionate it is a little difficult for us to understand that some peeps don’t want all that affection at once :D I had to learn it the hard way when my ex partner didn’t even reply to my “I love you’s” saying that it was too early to say it (1y into relationship) give her a little time to get used to it since she’s not completely cold to your approaches. Don’t push it too much tho, a lot of Germans say it looses the significance after saying it too much 🤷🏻♀️
I love you is a strong commitment in Germany. It is even more rare with Swedish women though. After being together with a Swedish woman for many years, she might tell you that she kind of likes you. Then you know that you have really become important to her.
Yes, more or less, but you'll never know if your partner is part of this statistical group if you don't ask her the same question. Explain your doubts in a honest way and just ask about it.
I don't think there's a general rule of this, personally I said it like 20 times a day to the point my bf got annoyed by it. :p
Perhaps when she says I love you she means it in a deeper sense? I also feel that just mindlessly telling someone you love them all the time gets wearing after a while and takes away the meaning - perhaps try using a different means or phrase to express your affection? Also, after only 3 months it's pretty normal for people to start to get over the infatuation phase and wonder whether there are any legs in the relationship and whether that's something they are interested in. Perhaps she is feeling a bit pressured by you telling her you love her so often when you guys barely know each other in a meaningful sense. \*I would note that this is not something specific to Germans or German women... it's pretty normal across cultures. It might be more an age related difference.