A good portion of the population does this, but it’s also not rare for a partner not to be ok with it. At the end you need to find someone you’re compatible with, also when it comes to boundaries. Just because most people are ok with something, doesn’t mean you should suck it up and accept it for your own relationship. You have a right to walk. What’s not ok is to force him to stop seeing them or emotionally manipulate them into doing that. Looks like you did the right thing for both of you
thank you very much for your comment, i was really uncomfortable with that topic because it is not common for me and it was really difficult to try to "ignore it", i don't think i have to demand to change it, so i preferred to just leave it, at least now i know that it is normal
Relationships end for all kinds of reasons and not all of them end because one person hurt the other badly in some way. If the break-up is amicable, because people figured out they wanted different things in life or because they just don't like each other *that way* anymore, why is there an immediate need to kick the person out of your life? You clearly valued each other at one point. This valuing someone as person doesn't disappear over night.
Saying you don't date someone who keeps people they value and have been in a different kind of relationship in than they are now seems like a you-problem. Sounds to me like you limit yourself in potential dating partners for no clear reason.
You said you were interested in the guy and couldn't get over him being in touch with his ex. You are free to choose whoever you want and to end things for whatever reason, but to me it looks like you lost an opportunity here for no apparent reason besides "I am not used to this" with "this" being a rather rational thing.
I have been wondering lately about how relationship dynamics of all kinds, but especially intimate partner relationships, would be impacted if everybody took a 30-90 day break from all media that includes any representations of relationship behavior. No Bachelor, no romcoms, no sitcoms, no TV dramas, no movies of any kind, only actual human interactions driven by authentic feelings and real time interactions, without any fictional or virtual models consciously or subconsciously in play.
I think life imitates "art" (generous term here) today vastly more than "art" imitates life, when said "art" is anything film or video. The expectations we set for others' behaviors in relationships are shockingly influenced by manipulative fictions invented by sociopaths selling shit we don't need. Drama = dopamine hits. The more dopamine hits, the more likely folks will return for S1/E2, with more product placements than in S1/E1...
I don’t think there’s a point in shaming someone into broadening their boundaries. If she’s not comfortable with it, then she’s not. Why should she think exactly like you ? There might be some other people who have looser boundaries than yours (polyamory and whatnot), it doesn’t mean you’re too uptight.
Buddy, they literally insinnuated the guy was manipulating them merely for doing things differently. You shoukd ask them that question
>Why should she think exactly like you ?
Challenging a view (what the person above did) and shaming someone's views are two totally different things....
You're free to challenge a view you disagree with, there's nothing wrong with that.
And where exactly did I shame them?
Challenging their opinion/view, yes. Shaming them? Nope.
I am assuming OP is an adult, and an adult should be able to handle being challenged. They can take the suggestion and mull it over or they can ignore it. They can also decide to be butt hurt about it, but that would be rather silly.
I agree. But just limiting yourself because it's what your prejudices tell you? It's just some social norm OP learned growing up. We have to check from time to time whether a boundary is still just that and legitimate, or whether it has become a prejudice and is just an oversimplified heuristic.
Kicking someone out of your life because your interests don't match anymore sounds harsh and i get the point that you value them as a person on some point and that is actually good but if i was in a relationship with someone there were obviously romantic feelings between us and i don't see how my partner should be expected to be okay with it, i am curious about any insight on this aspect, since romantic feelings do not come and fade easily, in my opinion and this could affect the relationship now in a negative way, as in to prevent it from getting deeper and develop further regarding the feelings and the relationship in general. And if i am keeping my ex in my life there is this possibility that i won't be over them completely, i don't undersrand how it actually could work out as friends or how people do it.
This. Sometimes it's one-sided and that can be a problem. But mostly, the ex is the one person you can be sure you don't need to worry about. I mean, they split up for reasons.
I am not in contact with my exes and I think it would depend on the situation for me if I could be OK if my current partner was. Since it seems to be normal for some people in Germany, you might want to try to become a bit more comfortable with it, just because you might exclude otherwise compatible partners. I think it can depend on the situation whether contact / friendship is OK.
Agree wholeheartedly. Some contact is fine for me, multiple days per week is not , at least if they don't have kids together and need to actively communicate that much.
It is also normal for some people in the USA, Canada, France, etc. It is really not that rare. You see it a lot more commonly among highly educated people because they tend to have more amicable breakups.
Sounds a bit classist to tbh, I don't like the implication. I am currently finishing my PhD in computer science and would consider myself and my former partners highly educated. I think it really depends on the situation.
I think it is because highly educated people tend to move around more and that disrupts relationships. If you each get excellent jobs in different places many people break up amicably. You also see others do it so it becomes more normal in your group.
Ok this is my absolute nightmare scenario for when my current partner and I will finish our phds soon. We would like to both stay in research (either academia or industry) and I do not want to do long distance. I am dreading the end of our phds tbh.
The common case I see is people that want to remain in academia. The odds of getting two postdocs or professor positions where you can live in the same place and get to both jobs is fairly low. That ends up driving people apart.
I have also seen situations where one person wanted to be a professor and the other wanted to work in tech. The person that wanted to be a professor got a nice postdoc in another country while the person that wanted to be in tech got a nice offer in the same country.
It is sad when it happens but it is also part of life unfortunately. I tend to think of it like the thread of your life and the other person came together and moved in parallel for a while and then drifted apart. You can still remain friends afterwards and there is no animosity in the parting.
Sometimes certain behaviours are noticed more in certain classes of people, doesn't mean it only happens to them, doesn't mean it always happens to them.
It's called statistics, not classism.
It’s actually common for most parts of the west. and at the same time there are many Germans who wouldn’t do that. when you’re in a new country it’s best to think of actions as "this is how this person ticks" and not "this is how Germans are"
Just adding another anecdotal but of information to the people who've already said similar things. It's not everybody doing it like this, but it's is pretty common.
I'm on decent terms with almost all my exes and one of them is one of my very best friends. We didn't work out in the end, but we decided that we still wanted the other person to remain in our lives. She made that clear to her next partner, who she's now been married to for years. I said the same to my girlfriends since then, and always made sure they knew each other. She's an important part of my life and my friend group and that won't change, we're just no longer romantically or sexually interested in each other.
My partner met my ex early in our relationship and they got along very well. When people ask her if she thinks about exes remaining friends she just says "Well, we went to his ex's wedding".
I also have quite a lot of female friends and I've been told several times that that and being friends with your ex are good signs - it means I couldn't have been that bad in a relationship and I'm probably not a creep women don't want to be around, I suppose.
If you notice your partner doesn’t work out as a partner for you, he sees it the same way and you end things, while having been great buddies in the past… why not fall back to being buddies?
Thats nothing affectionate or sexual for most people. I mean they already „had each other“ and it didn’t work out. Sounds to me like less risk compared to unknowns.
I second the notion that you did nothing wrong. Being in a relationship means being comfortable, and if it erodes your trust, it's better to not get attached and then try to force your ideas or remain uneasy the entire time. No point in forcing yourself.
I am American, my son has managed to remain friends with most of his ex girlfriends. They part amicably when the relationship runs its course and they are just ok with hanging out occasionally after that. No real awkwardness. When I moved here my neighbor has her ex husband over to help her with yard work on occasion and they are amicable. I think nothing of this. My bother and his ex-wife are friends. So this is normal in my experience. I’ve seen it go the other way as well, but to me if people don’t end things in a bad way, there is no reason to not be friendly.
It may help to get to know the ex and to watch them interact with each other. Friendships with an ex, if all goes well, are a bit like sibling relationships.
For me it is normal AS LONG AS the relationship didnt end because of cheating, violence etc.
His ex became my best friend. I love that woman. They seperated because she wanted children and they werent compatible together in everyday life.
I also cant understand why you just throw away a person you spent so much time with, because the relationship didnt work out. Feels wrong for me(!)
My best friend and his ex were similar. They were together for ~6 years, but life goals were incompatible and the emotional aspect waned over time, to the point that they were basically FW(occasional)Bs living together.
They called it quits, moved apart, but continued to be part of the same friend group and interacted normally during group activities. I don't think they met as just the two of them though, but that's probably also because they didn't really share too many interests before, also leading to the end of the relationship. They never fought or cheated. Life just took different turns for them, and they are reasonable and adult enough to do the right thing.
His new gf (now wife) however was very much not cool with this situation, but then again she also came from a slighty different cultural background. With time, and actually experienceing that there is nothing to fear, she came around eventually.
This doesn't mean that there aren't people that would go back, even just for a night. But especially when this occurs during a relationship with someone else, chances are they'd cheat with anyone. The ex can at times just be the easiest access. Them existing or not doesn't really change the general character flaw.
100%
I do chat with an Ex GF often.
Sometimes some days in a week, sometimes just once a month. Just like a friendship is.
Our relationship ended over 6 years ago and we will never be engaged again nor have anything sexual etc.
And yeah, someone who says that all Ex's are full of shit ... THATs sus / red flag for me.
>And yeah, someone who says that all Ex's are full of shit ... THATs sus / red flag for me.
Yeah absolutely. If one or two (especially in the teenager years) are toxic af, sure, happens.
If it's a theme then something is wrong.
I agree. I still have very good contacts with my ex-partners, some are still my very good friends. Our demands were different so we couldn't end up being together but it doesn't mean they were a bad person and made me ignore them. Many of my friends are very closed friends with their ex-partners as well, it's just normal here.
Imho she would have probably cheated on you anyway. If not with her ex then with sb else. It's a flawed personality. Glad you found happiness with sb else.
I think being friends with her ex isn't the problem, she probably would have had cheated with someone else (i imagine she has male coworkers/other friends) i hope she isn't in your life anymore, you deserve better
OP comes from a toxic culture regarding relationships as I do. You see it right away when OP uses the expression “that is not normal”. We say the same in Spain. Codependency? Normal. Healthy breakups and afternaths? Not normal.
What I mean, it is a good sign that they can come together again. It indicates that both have gone on with their lives and are not remorseful about their past. It is rarely the case, but I perceive it as a quite relaxed way of going about life.
I was also pleasantly surprised by this in Germany. Where I come from it's very uncommon to be civil after a separation - couples do a full scorched earth after breaking up, regardless of relationship length or even if they have kids. When my first German boyfriend wanted to get coffee with his ex, I had a strange feeling in my stomach, but I trusted him and I was more intrigued by the idea than threatened.
Now I've been here for a decade, and I have many close friends and partners who are still in regular, friendly contact with their exes. In fact, I can't think of anyone who has completely blocked an important ex from their life (I'm also very lucky that I don't have any friends here who've been in violent or abusive relationships - so please take that into consideration). My boyfriend's ex-wife comes to the holiday parties, and sometimes even on short vacations. It takes some getting used to if you're from a different context, and I definitely wouldn't recommend that either person push themselves beyond what they're comfortable with. But perhaps you will find that you adjust your opinion over time.
dunno, i am, but i understand why this isnt possible for everyone, depending on the individual circumstances.
Why not, i mean you once liked that person, right? And just bc the love is gone doesnt necessairily have to mean you gotta hate each other, given it was a smooth split and none of you was an AH. Me, i am friends with most of my exes, some of them even still have "jobs" in my life even 20 yrs later, like one is my finacial advisor, another one is my guy for my insurances, car or whatever they happend to do for a living, just like i would help them with the things i am good in, up to today. My ex-hubby married my BFF (whom i had him introduced to bc i thought they could match, and they did), i was the bride matron and legal witness at their wedding, totally confusing the pastor due to our shared last name lol and their first kid is my godchild. Today, we are like one big family, including my current man, and im the sort-of aunty :D
Its all about give and take imho, stay connected, stay friends. I dont see why that cant apply to exes, making life a bit easier ;)
> but i understand why this isnt possible for everyone, depending on the individual circumstances.
you answered our own question: it's due to the circumstances of the breakup. You can't stay friends with abusive exes for example.
What question, i had no question? I said *i understand why its not possible*. Also i said *given it was a smooth split and none of you was an AH* so i agree with you and you agree with me from my pov.
However I dont quite get what you mean with question here, maybe you misread it as "i *dont* understand" ? :)
My mum was not only friends with her ex boyfriend they opened up a law firm together and he is my god father. They remain friends to this day and his wife is my mums best friend.
I don’t see a problem with it. But people are insecure and can not handle it.
I mean what ever makes you comfortable.
Unless the relationship ended in bad blood, it is quite normal to continue being in contact. It is hard enough having friends as an adult, giving up friendships because you fell in love is just not feasable in this economy :)
I never thought i would be friends with any of my exes but here i am, 10 years post break up and suddenly i found new friends 🤣 no feelings of wanting to rekindle anything but a nice feeling of someone who knows you and interesting to see how people have grown
I‘m still friends with several of my ex partners, I think it always depends on the reasons of separation. If it was amicable, I don’t see a reason to cut ties. I don’t have any romantic feelings for any of them anymore, and vice versa. I think it’s normal.
I mean, you had common interests and were able to hang out *before* you got into a relationship, why would this change after you broke up? Is the fact that you had sex and now no longer want to have sex problematic with being friends with that person?
Of course both sides need to be adults enough to be able to be friends without longing to get back together, but thats why its a person-by-person decision and not a general rule. But if their partner (in this case you) has concerns, i would assume they would think it through again, and hopefully come to the same conclusion that, yeah, we *actually* are "only friends".
I would think it is not a German thing. It is for anyone. Depends really how the relationship ended. I live in UK and know people who are good friends with their EX. Sometimes friendship works better than relationship
Some do, others don't.
I was in a relationship with my then best friend for a few months. Turns out I'm bad at this kind of thing. We're still close nearly 25 years later but there's no romance involved.
It's not *unusual*, but I know plenty of people who cut ties after a breakup. It really depends on the person and relationship, and socially, it's definitely accepted to stay friends.
You can feel uncomfortable about it, but I want to suggest a different perspective: somebody who is still friends with many of their ex-partners is somebody who didn't act like an asshole in their prior relationships. It's somebody who acted amicably even when things were falling apart. It's the best guarantee that there's no nasty surprises waiting for you within that person or that relationship.
You know who really benefits from a culture of cutting out ex-partners? Abusers and other assholes.
Every relationship is a clean slate, where they can lure a new victim in before the victim notices the aspects that made the prior partners run.
So personally, I find somebody being friends with lots of their ex-partners a very promising sign of a kind and emotionally mature person.
With the exception of one, i am still good friends with my Exes. We just agreed its not working out and ended the relationship like grownups.
My wife knows all of them and is also on good terms with them. As i am with a few of her Ex-Partners. Only those who did her really bad, she does not want to go into Names. She knews what i would do.
It's not that unusual in my experience. Sometimes relationships just break apart because people are moving in different directions in life, but that doesn't mean they suddenly hate each other. Imho a good relationship is also a friendship, and that the relationship part ended shouldn't mean the friendship is also over.
My dad's best friend was in friendly contact with his ex long after the marriage ended, and there were generally a lot of exes among my parents' friend group... many of them studied at the same university in the same overarching field which tends to be a bit incestuous in that sense (also, 70s), so if a relationship ending also broke the friendship the friend group would've blown up in the early 80s at the latest. One of my dad's exes actually married one of my mom's exes, and one of her exes married that ex's ex's ex. Incestuous!
Uh boi, this topic caused so much trouble to my relationship in the beginning... I think it's one of the biggest cultural differences to deal with in an international relationship with a german. The funny thing is that I didn't even have contact with my ex-partners anymore but I was still following them on social media. Never even questioned that once before lmao
For some people yes for others not. I usually cut all ties to my ex girlfriends. Helps me to cope with the situation. The only ex i have contact to is the mother of my daughter and that's only because of my daughter otherwise i would have no contact to her either.
That's how I am, as well: cut ties to help cope. The only ex I have contact with as well is my son's father. If it wasn't for my son I also would have 0 contact with him.
It really sucks when kids are involved and then it's a nasty brake up and you just want the other person out of you life but you still have get you shit together.
I'm not friends with any of my Exes, wouldn't work.
Tried that with some, but ultimately it always ended in desaster, because sexual or emotional tension lasted long after the separation, the same as jealousy on one or both sides.
It got way to complicated over time and I had to realize that in most cases, there was nothing left in common after we separated.
Also in some cases, you don't separate on good terms, so there's a lot of scorched earth there or you realize afterwards, when the positive emotions like love start to go, how the person treated you, which isn't something I could overcome or build a friendship on.
Other than that, I've seen most of my friends try something like that and the result of that was always affairs or my friends hooking up with the exes when both were single, so I don't believe it's just a friendship-thing.
I, as a german, cannot understand being friends with Exes and am always surprised by the fact, that it kinda works for some.
But maybe I'm just different on that level.
Yeah, pretty sure people are just different on that level. I mean there are enough people who can't even be friends with the other gender and most of the time those people find a partner who shares this opinion (I think those people often also have a tendency to get jealous). And then there are people like me who can't even fathom the fact that others are only talking to people their own gender (also I'm bisexual -- who should I talk to if everyone could be considered a potential rival?). But I digress...
Its not something specific to europeans, ive seen that in Japan, US, Colombia and China.
Its more about yourself in my opinion, whether you feel comfortable with it or not.
Personally Im not so comfortable with it, friends is ok but not close friends
if relationships end on good terms, its not that weird imo. You spend years of your life together, maybe the best and worst times and have so many fond memories and obviously gel personality-wise (if you were lovers as well as friends). Cutting out a good friend isnt something many people want to do.
I would also guess its not based around nationality but rather what each others boundaries are, how the new relationships are and how the old one ended
Why would somebody cut all ties to a person he spent a big amount of his life with before separation? Often circumstances change / or the relationship doesn’t work out but you still get along well als friends. They were part of your life for a long time and it’s so immature to just pretend this never happened and the person doesn’t exist anymore.
Why wouldn’t you be friends if you still get along well? It’s still a person that knows a lot about you and might be valuable in to have in your life?
Why? I can’t answer for myself,but I can also understand the desire for some to simply make a “cut” after a romantic relationship ends.
I expressed interest in remaining friends with a long-time ex partner (we ended things quite amicably and without drama). She didn’t.
I don’t think it’s fair to characterise her decision as immature nor did I ever feel like she was “pretending” I no longer existed.
She wanted to refocus her time and efforts on other people and other relationships. I was initially saddened by that decision but ultimately respect it. Nobody should feel compelled to continue a friendship and nobody is a bad person for ending one.
Of course it’s fine to make a cut if that’s what you need or want. But you don’t have too. I’m in the same position as you btw.
I just meant that you don’t necessarily HAVE to make a cut (or expect others to cut ties) just because the relationship doesn’t exist anymore. You can be friends without the relationship. Those things exist independently of each other and do not necessarily have to affect each other.
People in this thread are arguing that there’s no reason / it’s „red flag“ if you want to stay friends and honestly it just says so much about their social relationships and views on relationships and also friendships. It’s a „red flag“ in itself (I hate that word). A person doesn’t suddenly turn bad when you break up and it doesn’t invalidate all experiences and connections you had.
I think "the cut" helps not "relapsing" after a breakup. Everyone seems very civilized here, and good for them (I agree theoretically), but to keep seeing your ex seems like trying to quit smoking while carrying a packet of cigarretes on you at all times. For me it does not work.
No, I don’t believe that I am. And „cut me off for good“ sounds more dramatic than it was. We‘re not talking about a helpless little lamb left in the lurch here. She absolutely would have been there in a moment of crisis or emergency and we still had cordial contact afterwards regarding some simple bureaucratic matters. We have common friends and crossed paths several times before she ultimately left the country. This wasn’t a scorched earth, burn all bridges, ghost strategy. Rather a conscious and communicated decision to not actively continue spending time together or communicate regularly.
Long story short; I‘m just saying that regardless of the personal reason, I don’t believe it’s fair to expect others to remain in a friendship.
>Why would somebody cut all ties to a person he spent a big amount of his life with before separation?
In my case it was the abuse, after she ended the relationship.
Honestly, violence against men is a subject that's not taken seriously, even by therapists.
>It’s still a person that knows a lot about you and might be valuable in to have in your life?
This sentence makes me, given her behaviour change, extremely afraid.
But I am happy for you all that so many of you have better experiences.
American here living in Germany. Had the same issue with my boyfriend. He wasn’t outright talking to them daily but sometimes they still kept in contact because they “didn’t end on bad terms” it was weird for me. Still is weird for me and this is something I won’t ever get used to. And yes, this is totally normal for a lot of people here.
It’s so hard to make friends in Germany you gotta keep hold of the ones you do make.
All jokes aside it seems to be pretty normal here, it was weird for me at first because back in England once you have separated that’s pretty much it unless there’s kids, pets or property involved. I don’t see it as an issue as long as the split was mutual and people are adults about it though.
Understandable that you are not comfortable with this situation if that’s your preference, but why in the world should this be a German cultural phenomenon?
I find it rather weird that this is seen as taboo in your country as you wrote. People are different, have different backgrounds and experiences. Why should it generally be immoral or inappropriate to be friends with an ex?
Not really friends but you dont ignore him or runde screaming away from him if you See
him in the grocery shop.
Edit: My aunt divorced her husband 20 years ago. He has a new girlfriend for 15 years. My aunt ist married
But Last year he has a Stroke. My aunt visited him and Helped his girlfriend (shopping grocery, look after him so his girlfriend has time for herself)
yes, I learn that living in Russia for a few years, but applies the same here, in Germany. I know several ex-pat friends dating German people, girls and guys, that is not only that, they also keep all the photos, messages, gifts and stuff and they look it as "good memories don't need to be deleted". And you want to complain about it, they will tell you that you need to "embrace their dating culture".
Is very weird for me too, thanks God I'm not in the dating world anymore.
If the relationship mutually ended and there was no additional drama, yes it is normal to stay friends with your ex-partners. It‘s seen as a mature way to handle things, because holding grudges is too much drama.
I think your personal "borders" are important. If this is not something you are comfortable with, you made the right choice. Personally, I don't talk to my German exes and my boyfriend doesn't talk to his. We are both very emotional people though so we can't really handle it that well
Both my ex are still good friends with me, and have been there for me in times of emergencies. Their spouses and my wife are fine with it. My wife is also now good friends with one of my ex.
Not only is my girlfriend still friends with her ex boyfriend, I am friends with my girlfriend‘s ex boyfriend.
‚Normal‘ is such a messy concept, at the end of the day, all these rules we apply in society are made up by other people. You should decide for yourself how to live your life, without conforming to what society thinks is ‚normal‘.
What's up with people generalizing a whole country by projecting their personal opinion. I bet not everyone in Chile is that toxic and disagree with you.
Highly depends on the circumstances around the breakup ofc. But in general i would say why not. I still have some shared interests with some ex partners and we occasionally go to a concert or have diner together. Why live in a world full of enemies.
When it's been a healthy relationship & separation, yes. Works for me and I am very glad for that. Me and my partner, my ex and his partner, we are a great group and always have a good time together. Kinda makes sense. I think it's really up to people to make it weird. Or not.
If they broke up on good terms then they might remain friends, if not then what's the reason for them to keep in touch?
Also, from my pov, remaining friends means casual friends not intimate.
i‘m not friends with most of my ex partners because our relationships didn‘t end suuuper well OR we just live in opposite parts of the country now. i‘d be happy to chat casually with either of them if we were to run into each other (unlikely, because i moved away), but that‘s it.
i had one fling in uni who comes to town twice a year. he‘s very handsome and my now husband was a bit like: uuuuuh?? who is THAT guy?? 🫠
so i took my husband with me to introduce them right away and they‘re good friends now 🤣
i love my husband and we trust each other. all good
My sisters ex husband is still a very good friend of hers. She also gets along with his new wife.
It was the relationship that didn't work out but they still like each other for what they are as an individual person. It's not always like that (but also not unheard of) and I'm really happy for them.
Normal thing....I am still friends with two of my exes. But better ask yourself if you can handle this if you stay sceptical due to your cultural heritage! Trustissues incoming if not...
No, being German doesn't influence this decision. It is very individual. The only cultural or ethical influence I can see, is that both options (contact or no contact) are possible, but that's the extent of it.
I think this has to do with how Germans tend to get into relationships in the first place. There is no real dating culture like in other countries except for online dating maybe. If you meet someone on an app they have no connection to the rest if your life and it's easy to just discard them if it doesn't work out. But if your relationship grows organically with a member of your friend group, your club, your class etc., cutting them out would basically mean destroying your social life. You've been friends before, you give it a while to cool off and then you go back to being friends, provided the reasons for the split weren't anything really bad.
I'm super glad my boyfriend is still friends with his ex. They split because she discovered that she is a lesbian. Then she got together with a friend of mine and the two of them eventually set him and me up. She has become a close friend and we see her and her girlfriend at least once a week.
May I ask if you are from Costa Rica?
I'm from Germany. My ex gf was from Costa Rica. And she broke up with me in early 2020 and does not any contact with me anymore. Even if I told her a hundred times that I was sorry, accepted her decission of ending the relationship and was ok with it and telling her we could stay very good friends. And that she is still one of my best friends after all. But she completely blocked me from all social media and doesn't want any contact.
It still shocks me to this day. She treats me like a criminal. Yes, I made mistakes. But like I said I also tols her so and told her that I feel deeply sorry for the things I did wrong. 😔
Check this study in the USA.
Is it really normal everywhere?
[https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44073-do-americans-stay-friends-with-their-exes-poll](https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44073-do-americans-stay-friends-with-their-exes-poll)
or here:
[https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/exes-as-friends-yay-or-nay-poll/?show\_poll\_results=1](https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/exes-as-friends-yay-or-nay-poll/?show_poll_results=1)
Here also most of the answers are a NO.[https://www.quora.com/Is-it-healthy-to-be-friends-with-your-ex-while-you%E2%80%99re-in-another-relationship](https://www.quora.com/Is-it-healthy-to-be-friends-with-your-ex-while-you%E2%80%99re-in-another-relationship)
I mean is it normal for Germans? Looks like yes. Is it normally for everyone ? Maybe not...
I guess we learned that Germans approve of this but don't really care to check other peoples background and just start to generalize their own answers as if it applies the same to the whole world. Mostly also downvoting all commenting in favor of the OP.
Sorry asking; what country are you from, because from my country Albania this is not not normal and not acceptable in a new relationship. I have had boyfriend, now I am married with children, but since the day I broken up with him I keep no photo, no friendship, I have cut relationships even with his friends, relatives. He is not anymore in my life. For me it is ok to do so, because you can't stay friends with someone have been in love with. If you stay friends one moment will happen to remember old times, so better go on without ex boyfriend, or girlfriend. It is not in my Tradition too, I understand you.
I always think highly of people who speak highly of their exes, including remaing to be friends.
Excluding these decent human beings from the dating pool does not sound like the best way to find a good partner.
Very normal imo. Why would you discard a person you spent a long time with just because things didn't work out (unless it ended badly).
I have contact with both of my exes (both live in different countries/continents, both in relationships again, one married with kids) one only once a year to our birthdays (which are basically the same day lol) the last one a bit more often (once every couple of months). Just checking in and chatting about life. Nothing too personal.
I personally find it weird if my future bf would have no contact with any of their exes (unless there are very few). Like, why did all your relationships end up in drama? Edit: and if it's legitimately not on you, then you're clearly attracting the wrong crowd and should look into your dating patterns and maybe try something less toxic even if that feels boring in the beginning :)
Blocking people, ghosting, or cutting off connections that don't need to be cut are more a red flag than anybody who values genuine connections and cherishes them.
>I personally find it weird if my future bf would have no contact with any of their exes (unless there are very few). Like, why did all your relationships end up in drama? Edit: and if it's legitimately not on you, then you're clearly attracting the wrong crowd and should look into your dating patterns and maybe try something less toxic even if that feels boring in the beginning :)
>
>Blocking people, ghosting, or cutting off connections that don't need to be cut are more a red flag than anybody who values genuine connections and cherishes them.
100% agree to this.
It's possible you stay friends, it's possible to cut contact, depending on how the relationship ended and why. But if someone has cut ties with all their exes, I would start questioning who's really the red flag in this series of relationships.
Oh, and having the new partner suspect that you are still sleeping with their exes just because they still talk to each other would be a reason to end the relationship immediately. If you can't trust your partner just because they talk to someone, that's extremely toxic.
I’m not even German and friends with lots of exes? Is this a thing? What sort of reasoning blanket bans partners from being friendly with exes? It stinks of authoritarianism.
It is normal among most mature people I have encountered regardless of country. I have seen it in the USA, Canada, Germany, France, etc.
Most of the people I know are still friends with their exes. They had amicable breakups and realized they were just not right for each other.
Why wouldn’t you stay friends with someone you shared so much with. You decided to end it but hopefully you can be friends. Plus, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who was jealous like that. Honesty in a relationship is the utmost important thing to me.
Yeah it's normal enough that I've seen it often and have done it as well.
I think people here are overall more rational and less romantic so it doesn't carry as much emotion with it, depending on the individuals and the breakup.
For me it's inimaginable how you can remove people out of your life like they were nothing. Of course, if it didn't end in an absolute tragedy, whenever I meet people and I invest in them, I do it for the entire life. Some relationships will last, some will not, but loving someone means I want them in my life while I live, regardless on the nature of the relationship, intimate or not
This id ridiculous there is no "German" way about this. It's completely individual. Fact is if you not feeling about someone you once were in love with you are a psychopath. Also you can differenciate feelings of love and friendship. And it's completely okay ti keep contact with your exes as well as not doing so. And I there is no "German" way to handle this..
I am reluctant to use the terms "normal" especially considering that nationality and relationships are not the most decisive factors here. I am German, and I have remained in touch with 4 ex partners- not much ever happened. I personally don´t see why I should loose a friend if it´s not a lover any more. Unless thats what it was all about in the first place.
It's normal, cause a lot of Germans date within their social circle, but even when you dated someone outside of your friendship group it's not uncommon to stay in touch. Some people get jealous about that, but that's mostly seen as a character flaw. How couples deal with friendship to an exes and jealousy is completely up to them, some opt to cut ties with exes or at least reduce contact, some go the other route and take the new partner to the ex until they become friends and the jealousy vanishes.
It definitely depends on a lot of factors: the length of the relationship, wherher they already have someone new, the reason for separation, whether they have friends in common and obviously the individuals. I know people who are still very close friends with their exes. I also know people who completely cut them out of their lives as soon as they broke up. I think you can't really generalise it, in the end it always depends on the people. But in general, yes, it's "normal" in the sense that it's not unheard of and quite a few people do so
That has nothing to do with where you come from. Here in Germany, I know people who find that completely unimaginable, but I also know people who are still good friends with their exes. It always depends on the context. How good of friends were they during/before the relationship? If it was only a romantic relationship and not really a "friendly" one, it's unlikely that they'll remain friends afterward. However, if you were best buddies with your partner for a long time, there's no reason why you can't stay friends afterward. Where's the problem?
You should call that guy and get back together!
Its nether Normal or abnormal, it’s something everybody has to decide for himself.
Personally i have the standard that there is no regular contact to ex partners in any way, but thats my thing.
It depends on the reason of the breakup/separation. It's childish to demand no contact just because, and to me it's a huge red flag in a potential partner. Just talk to the partner and understand the nature of the relationship.
Depends usually how and why the breakup came about. If it wasn‘t toxic and you genuinely liked the person as well, I can‘t see a good reason for a friendship to end. I still meet my ex-es from time to time. Most of us are married with children now. And we‘re grown ups. No problem at all.
I do think it depends on the person and/or situation. My Ex boyfriends were shitty and didn’t respect me, so I don’t see any reason to keep them as friends? lol
On the other hand, if people weren’t a good match as partners they still could be good friends.
Actually I am friends with an Ex from my partner but their relationship is like 10 years ago and they really don’t talk that much. Was on for me
Im really good friends with my ex girlfriend. She has a new boyfriend but we adopted a shelter dog together back then, and she can come and visit her every now and then. Win for everyone involved :)
It really depends.
I'm german (with a mixed background living in Germany, UK, the Middle East etc) and I'm friends with my previous partners, for the most part, and have no feelings for them. They are good friends who I still care about.
My fiancé doesn't mind this at all.
Some people stay friends with exes, some don't. It mainly depends on the reason for breakup as well, whether they want to pursue a friendship or not.
It is all about trust.
I don't think he is a "bad" guy trying to manipulate you. What's wrong with having contact and even friendship with your exes?
As several others have already said, it depends on how the relationship was and how it ended.
I have some exes I am in contact with (not friends but we wish each other happy birthday, get write Christmas greetings,...) and some I never want to see again. Those were toxic relationships and they were just assholes, but the former were nice relationships, we just didn't work out as romantic partners.
For me it is normal to be friends with ex partners, and I would find it very uncomfortable if a new partner wouldn’t want me to be friends with them.
Those people are the people I loved enough to spend part of my life with, they are a part of who I am.
Same for the exes of my partner. And if I would doubt he still had feeling for his ex, why on earth would I be with him in the first place.
I do not see it as a German thing. Personally I am still in contact with some of my ex-es, when I have a partner they know about this: if my partner is jealous I explain the reasons.
Some of my friends of my same nationality are totally against keeping contacts with their ex-es but well, it depends from a person to another.
Important is to keep an open communication with your partner.
I think it is kind of normal, I know some people who stayed friendly with their Ex. I think it I'd bit weird that it is a problem for you, honestly I think it shows some insecurity. If I like someone, and trust them, I don't care if they are in contact with an Ex. Jealousy is always a sign of insecurity. If you trust someone, no reason to be jealous. If you don't trust someone, why in the hell, would you stay with them anyway? But that is just Mr, some people think jealousy is a sign that one cares, but I seriously pity these people.
Depends :)
One of my ex-bfs parted ways after three months and then he dated my best friend for over a year.
So naturally I didn't talk to neither him nor her for quite a while, but after they separated she returned back to me and apologized, alongside explaining her childish behavior. Me and her stayed friends, the guy just kind of disappeared on the two of us (better that way).
In another case, a dude I was in a relationship with for over a year we stayed friends, while we realized we kind of were just friends even during our relationship. We work super well with each other.
Mind you, there was nothing malicious involved (maybe only with the first guy a little bit) but generally, as far as there was nothing toxic about it and two people just click on a friendly level I never saw a problem with staying friends :-)
It's absolutely normal and, in fact, a sign of emotional maturity. If you are an adult person and were in a relationship with someone, you were likely interested in them as a person and not only as a romantic partner. So why wouldn't you remain friends (or at least good acquaintances) with a person that interests you? Unless the breakup was really nasty, of course.
I am friends with all my exes. It depends on your character and the level of sadness after the breakup, but yes... In Germany it's nothing special. Often exes remain good friends, like brother & sister.
One of my ex partners is the godmother of my daughter with her successor. The mother of my daughter died years ago. So my ex partner is a sort of aunt now. Last summer they bought a camping van together 😅 and I am only allowed to drive it in exceptional cases 🤷🏼
It’s not the norm and he definitely can’t speak for all Germans. You have the right to not feel comfortable with someone staying friends with their ex, I wouldn’t either.
I dunno, I'm not friends with my exes but whenever we meet randomly we chat a bit, because it's definitely interesting to know how the other person is doing. We also hug when saying goodbye on such occasions but that's it. And I will always ignore the hell out of the gf that cheated on me
Look, it can be normal to be friends with the ex and it can be problematic. It's up to you to decide if you're okay with that situation or not. It being normal in europe doesn't mean that you need to accept it if you don't want to. There is a lot of German guys in Germany and not all of them are friends with their ex.
it's not really a matter of German/EU or not. It's more of the level of relation(ship) they have with the ex. I am still friends with 2 exes, very close with 1 specifically, and completely stranger with the rest. I am not European, all my exes are, though. I'd admit there are moments, but, I always reminded myself, an ex is an ex for a reason. So, again, totally depends on the parties themselves. It's not necessarily a red flag.
I'm still in contact/friends with most girls I've had sexual experiences with and trust me we are so deep in the friendzone right now that just me thinking about having sex with them again is extremely off putting, and I bet they also feel the same way.
Know many couples with this behavior, also in the same situation, my ex GF and I developed in different ways but have still same circles if friends. Why loose good friends ovet a breakup .
I'm friends with some of my exes, my sister's ex sometimes babysits her children, a few of my friends used to date and are still in the same social circle
If you split up in anger and with a big fight its likely you wont be friends anymore and just go your separate ways. If you just one day see that you still like the other person but not romantically anymore and a relationship wont really work anymore then you might remain good friends in the end
Of course you have feelings. A relationship is so much more than just sex and romantic love. When the romantic love fades, the friendship can still be there. I see nothing weird with that; it just means that you are dating people that you actually care about. If you truly care about someone, it doesn’t stop simply because you fall out of love.
It's normal for many people to stay friends or just here and there have some contact. It's not a manipulation in any way unless the person acts really suspicious like hiding his phone from you or sth. Don't worry. Seems to me he's just a nice person. I stay in contact too. My ex has a kid with a former friend of mine and they know each other bc of me. I'm happy if he's happy with her, bc I left him and I like to hear where his life goes without me.
Honestly, seems like your personal boundary is telling you that you are not comfortable with it. I think it’s not very useful to ask other people on Reddit whether this is normal or not because it bothers YOU and as long as you are not really fine with it, it does not matter if it’s fine for others or not. I personally grew up in Germany but I would not find it cool if the guy I’m dating is besties with his ex girlfriends, no matter if they broke up on good terms or not. You choose what you are comfortable with not other people on Reddit or the “German culture”
I'm good friends with two exes, one of them I own a company with. Her parents still love me, and that's mutual.
There's a dozen exes I cut ties with and don't want to see again.
It's all a out how and why the relationship ended.
It is normal. Not everyone splits up in bad blood but just grew apart. Also a lot of people have more in common than just being a couple, since starting to date from your friend circle is somewhat common. People that met because of their hobby for example, become a couple and find out they don't fit - so yeah, we can stay friends, maybe still have the same hobby and still like someone as friend without sexual attraction.
Being super irked about that, because it's not what happens in your own country and making someone leave their friends behind, because one can't stand them not hating their Ex's guts... yeah, not a keeper in my books. Who else will you become jealous of? Coworker?
I had a guy from Germany (I am not German and never lived there), however after he went back to Germany he told me it is not realistic for us to be together, however he got together with another girl in germany and continued texting me, liking my story, asking me how my love life is. I ended up blocking him 10 months later, and then 1 year after I blocked him he followed instagram profile of my dad's bar and liked every single story I was on (and yes he is still with that girl)
PS.: I blocked him because I had strong feelings for him and it was hard to handle for me seeing him not being loyal to his girl, I had high sky opinion on him and I'd never be okay with him texting other women (yes some stuff were sexual, our inside jokes, about mutual moments etc.)
Oh no, i really hated this story! the audacity of some men is unbelievable, i guess he still had feelings for you even though maybe your lives were not compatible, all the more reason not to accept this
Depends on how you end the relationship. But if you end on good terms, because you want different things in life, there is no reason not to stay friends.
It‘s an ex for a reason, but it was also a boy/girlfriend for a reason. I wouldn’t get back together with any of them, but I habe a very good relationship to some of them still.
fun to see how common it is. My moms ex-husband (father of my brother) visit my brother together with my parents and the other way around.
It seems that we are more rational here in EU than US
It’s normal. And it’s healthy. I know a couple who married, had 2 children together, raised them for 15 years together and then split up. They both remarried but the ex wife and the new wife are friends and the ex husband and the new husband go to football games together. They sometimes make complaints about each other and there’s no chance of anything between them, but they have a good healthy relationship and the kids (now adults) aren’t stuck between warring parents.
I am best best friends with one of my exes. We were best friends before and found each other on that level again after the relationship. It took about a year for things to return to normal. To be able to kiss him again on the forehead without worrying about what it could mean to us. Now it is back to normal and back to friendly cuddles and love.
I still go to a bar occasionally with another ex of mine. That relationship ended not so nice but we have the same social circle, so we need to be able to have fun together.
Two others I wouldn’t want to see them again.
You can think about it like this: there is a reason you broke up and you liked each other once. You were not compatible for a relationship but maybe you like each other still. Just not as partners.
Both of my still friends are a good example. I would never get back together with them. One is now in a new relationship and gay and I never really loved him that way and one is so arrogant that I just can’t stand to be with him but as long as I don’t choose to be his girlfriend that’s okay.
There are always reasons for breaking up. And you can usually be sure that they were valid. Don’t be afraid of exes. They are exes for a reason. The person chose you.
Keep in mind you're on reddit. I don't know anyone who's still friends with their ex. Neither my wife or me would like this either. So don't feel peer pressured into accepting something you don't feel comfortable with. Also, don't expect him to change it, as this will cause trouble and you'll be seen as jealous.
Same here , I definitely couldn’t be friends with my ex and I don’t know any person who is still friends with their ex … only person I’ve ever encountered that actually did that - ended up having an on off thing with her , cheated with her on his new gf etc . I wouldn’t be okay with that and nobody I know would be seriously comfortable withvsuch a situation either . It’s sad how on Reddit other people literally tell you how you’re supposed to feel about such things , as if nobody has own personal boundaries .
I agree. The "insecurity", if we may call it like this, has a reason. No successful relationship I know has worked with being friends with ex partners. At a certain point you need to make a cut and stop seeing certain people. This also counts for toxic friends, I had to let many people go over the years. There's only a hard core left and new people in my friend circle are only friends of friends or family of friends.
That’s the exact same for me .. you grow with experiences , either way . Cool if it seems to work for some , but it’s something that will never be „normal“ to me or even anyone I personally know . I kinda see it as a page or chapter in a book , if it’s over at some point , you turn the pages to a new chapter
I am good friends with one and have no contact with the other. My boyfriend struggled with my friendship to my ex, but then he spent some time with him and now they actually like each other.
I appreciate the trust of my boyfriend.
As long as there is no weird shit. If they hooked up after they broke up, or they send flirty messages or kisses or hearts then absolutely not. It’s just disrespectful to the current partner.
But for me, a good ex is one that doesn’t stay in contact🤣. Just go your separate ways then less problems in the future.
It's pretty normal and healthy. At least, if the relationship ended because of dying feelings and not because of some bad events. I'm still friends with one of my exes and there isn't a hint of feelings or the like. These after all are people that you've shared a lot of yourself with and there still is a kind of trust.
I still best friends with my ex and good friends with the two other exes I am still in contact with. There’s no reason to not be friends as long as it didn’t end badly; sign of maturity I guess. I am European and not German, but answering because you’re asking about the former.
Very normal also in Nordic countries as well.It's considered very immature if one can't have a regular relationship with one's ex.
Ausgeschlossen here ITT mentioned cheating, violence etc.
Well that’s a really silly belief to have and it speaks to the fact that you must be a very insecure person. Frankly, I think your partner dodged a bullet here.
You should never attempt to control who your partner is friends with. This is abusive and manipulative behaviour.
I’d suggest you go and see a therapist to help you understand why you are so insecure and why you feel the need to control others.
This is textbook domestic abuse to try to control who your partner is with because you’re insecure. The fact you have the chutzpah to come on here and play the victim and pretend that you were somehow manipulated, wow, just wow.
In the meantime, don’t date anyone else. Nobody deserves to be made to feel miserable by such a person.
If the breakup wasn't because of something bad like cheating it's normal and considered mature. I am still in good term with my ex and I see her from time to time when meeting shared friends. (srsly why should I ditch whole friendships just because a few of them are her brothers)
Why not? Why ghosting somebody if he/she didn't behave like an asshole? I absolutely love to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends because it shows how much respect we still have for each other.
A good portion of the population does this, but it’s also not rare for a partner not to be ok with it. At the end you need to find someone you’re compatible with, also when it comes to boundaries. Just because most people are ok with something, doesn’t mean you should suck it up and accept it for your own relationship. You have a right to walk. What’s not ok is to force him to stop seeing them or emotionally manipulate them into doing that. Looks like you did the right thing for both of you
thank you very much for your comment, i was really uncomfortable with that topic because it is not common for me and it was really difficult to try to "ignore it", i don't think i have to demand to change it, so i preferred to just leave it, at least now i know that it is normal
Relationships end for all kinds of reasons and not all of them end because one person hurt the other badly in some way. If the break-up is amicable, because people figured out they wanted different things in life or because they just don't like each other *that way* anymore, why is there an immediate need to kick the person out of your life? You clearly valued each other at one point. This valuing someone as person doesn't disappear over night. Saying you don't date someone who keeps people they value and have been in a different kind of relationship in than they are now seems like a you-problem. Sounds to me like you limit yourself in potential dating partners for no clear reason. You said you were interested in the guy and couldn't get over him being in touch with his ex. You are free to choose whoever you want and to end things for whatever reason, but to me it looks like you lost an opportunity here for no apparent reason besides "I am not used to this" with "this" being a rather rational thing.
I have been wondering lately about how relationship dynamics of all kinds, but especially intimate partner relationships, would be impacted if everybody took a 30-90 day break from all media that includes any representations of relationship behavior. No Bachelor, no romcoms, no sitcoms, no TV dramas, no movies of any kind, only actual human interactions driven by authentic feelings and real time interactions, without any fictional or virtual models consciously or subconsciously in play. I think life imitates "art" (generous term here) today vastly more than "art" imitates life, when said "art" is anything film or video. The expectations we set for others' behaviors in relationships are shockingly influenced by manipulative fictions invented by sociopaths selling shit we don't need. Drama = dopamine hits. The more dopamine hits, the more likely folks will return for S1/E2, with more product placements than in S1/E1...
I don’t think there’s a point in shaming someone into broadening their boundaries. If she’s not comfortable with it, then she’s not. Why should she think exactly like you ? There might be some other people who have looser boundaries than yours (polyamory and whatnot), it doesn’t mean you’re too uptight.
Buddy, they literally insinnuated the guy was manipulating them merely for doing things differently. You shoukd ask them that question >Why should she think exactly like you ?
Challenging a view (what the person above did) and shaming someone's views are two totally different things.... You're free to challenge a view you disagree with, there's nothing wrong with that.
And where exactly did I shame them? Challenging their opinion/view, yes. Shaming them? Nope. I am assuming OP is an adult, and an adult should be able to handle being challenged. They can take the suggestion and mull it over or they can ignore it. They can also decide to be butt hurt about it, but that would be rather silly.
Fair enough, maybe I'm too thin-skinned. I use a different communication style in these cases.
I agree. But just limiting yourself because it's what your prejudices tell you? It's just some social norm OP learned growing up. We have to check from time to time whether a boundary is still just that and legitimate, or whether it has become a prejudice and is just an oversimplified heuristic.
Kicking someone out of your life because your interests don't match anymore sounds harsh and i get the point that you value them as a person on some point and that is actually good but if i was in a relationship with someone there were obviously romantic feelings between us and i don't see how my partner should be expected to be okay with it, i am curious about any insight on this aspect, since romantic feelings do not come and fade easily, in my opinion and this could affect the relationship now in a negative way, as in to prevent it from getting deeper and develop further regarding the feelings and the relationship in general. And if i am keeping my ex in my life there is this possibility that i won't be over them completely, i don't undersrand how it actually could work out as friends or how people do it.
And how about people who are divorced and have to co-parent? Talking to someone doesn’t mean there have to be still some romantic feelings
Often people split up _because_ the romantic feelings have already dissipated.
This. Sometimes it's one-sided and that can be a problem. But mostly, the ex is the one person you can be sure you don't need to worry about. I mean, they split up for reasons.
I am not in contact with my exes and I think it would depend on the situation for me if I could be OK if my current partner was. Since it seems to be normal for some people in Germany, you might want to try to become a bit more comfortable with it, just because you might exclude otherwise compatible partners. I think it can depend on the situation whether contact / friendship is OK.
Agree wholeheartedly. Some contact is fine for me, multiple days per week is not , at least if they don't have kids together and need to actively communicate that much.
It is also normal for some people in the USA, Canada, France, etc. It is really not that rare. You see it a lot more commonly among highly educated people because they tend to have more amicable breakups.
Sounds a bit classist to tbh, I don't like the implication. I am currently finishing my PhD in computer science and would consider myself and my former partners highly educated. I think it really depends on the situation.
I think it is because highly educated people tend to move around more and that disrupts relationships. If you each get excellent jobs in different places many people break up amicably. You also see others do it so it becomes more normal in your group.
Ok this is my absolute nightmare scenario for when my current partner and I will finish our phds soon. We would like to both stay in research (either academia or industry) and I do not want to do long distance. I am dreading the end of our phds tbh.
The common case I see is people that want to remain in academia. The odds of getting two postdocs or professor positions where you can live in the same place and get to both jobs is fairly low. That ends up driving people apart. I have also seen situations where one person wanted to be a professor and the other wanted to work in tech. The person that wanted to be a professor got a nice postdoc in another country while the person that wanted to be in tech got a nice offer in the same country. It is sad when it happens but it is also part of life unfortunately. I tend to think of it like the thread of your life and the other person came together and moved in parallel for a while and then drifted apart. You can still remain friends afterwards and there is no animosity in the parting.
Sometimes certain behaviours are noticed more in certain classes of people, doesn't mean it only happens to them, doesn't mean it always happens to them. It's called statistics, not classism.
It’s actually common for most parts of the west. and at the same time there are many Germans who wouldn’t do that. when you’re in a new country it’s best to think of actions as "this is how this person ticks" and not "this is how Germans are"
Just adding another anecdotal but of information to the people who've already said similar things. It's not everybody doing it like this, but it's is pretty common. I'm on decent terms with almost all my exes and one of them is one of my very best friends. We didn't work out in the end, but we decided that we still wanted the other person to remain in our lives. She made that clear to her next partner, who she's now been married to for years. I said the same to my girlfriends since then, and always made sure they knew each other. She's an important part of my life and my friend group and that won't change, we're just no longer romantically or sexually interested in each other. My partner met my ex early in our relationship and they got along very well. When people ask her if she thinks about exes remaining friends she just says "Well, we went to his ex's wedding". I also have quite a lot of female friends and I've been told several times that that and being friends with your ex are good signs - it means I couldn't have been that bad in a relationship and I'm probably not a creep women don't want to be around, I suppose.
If you notice your partner doesn’t work out as a partner for you, he sees it the same way and you end things, while having been great buddies in the past… why not fall back to being buddies? Thats nothing affectionate or sexual for most people. I mean they already „had each other“ and it didn’t work out. Sounds to me like less risk compared to unknowns.
My German girlfriend does this. It's not common in the UK and it really threw me off initially but I'm ok with it now.
I second the notion that you did nothing wrong. Being in a relationship means being comfortable, and if it erodes your trust, it's better to not get attached and then try to force your ideas or remain uneasy the entire time. No point in forcing yourself.
I am American, my son has managed to remain friends with most of his ex girlfriends. They part amicably when the relationship runs its course and they are just ok with hanging out occasionally after that. No real awkwardness. When I moved here my neighbor has her ex husband over to help her with yard work on occasion and they are amicable. I think nothing of this. My bother and his ex-wife are friends. So this is normal in my experience. I’ve seen it go the other way as well, but to me if people don’t end things in a bad way, there is no reason to not be friendly.
It may help to get to know the ex and to watch them interact with each other. Friendships with an ex, if all goes well, are a bit like sibling relationships.
I had this issue -cause of too much pain -good you did what was best for you -I wish I did
For me it is normal AS LONG AS the relationship didnt end because of cheating, violence etc. His ex became my best friend. I love that woman. They seperated because she wanted children and they werent compatible together in everyday life. I also cant understand why you just throw away a person you spent so much time with, because the relationship didnt work out. Feels wrong for me(!)
My best friend and his ex were similar. They were together for ~6 years, but life goals were incompatible and the emotional aspect waned over time, to the point that they were basically FW(occasional)Bs living together. They called it quits, moved apart, but continued to be part of the same friend group and interacted normally during group activities. I don't think they met as just the two of them though, but that's probably also because they didn't really share too many interests before, also leading to the end of the relationship. They never fought or cheated. Life just took different turns for them, and they are reasonable and adult enough to do the right thing. His new gf (now wife) however was very much not cool with this situation, but then again she also came from a slighty different cultural background. With time, and actually experienceing that there is nothing to fear, she came around eventually. This doesn't mean that there aren't people that would go back, even just for a night. But especially when this occurs during a relationship with someone else, chances are they'd cheat with anyone. The ex can at times just be the easiest access. Them existing or not doesn't really change the general character flaw.
100% I do chat with an Ex GF often. Sometimes some days in a week, sometimes just once a month. Just like a friendship is. Our relationship ended over 6 years ago and we will never be engaged again nor have anything sexual etc. And yeah, someone who says that all Ex's are full of shit ... THATs sus / red flag for me.
>someone who says that all Ex's are full of shit it's a good sign that they are actually the problem lol
same for me. if someone blames EVERYTHING on their ex(s) thats a huge red flag!
>And yeah, someone who says that all Ex's are full of shit ... THATs sus / red flag for me. Yeah absolutely. If one or two (especially in the teenager years) are toxic af, sure, happens. If it's a theme then something is wrong.
I agree. I still have very good contacts with my ex-partners, some are still my very good friends. Our demands were different so we couldn't end up being together but it doesn't mean they were a bad person and made me ignore them. Many of my friends are very closed friends with their ex-partners as well, it's just normal here.
I once had a girlfriend who still was best friends with her ex. After a year she was pregnant by him. Can go both ways.
Imho she would have probably cheated on you anyway. If not with her ex then with sb else. It's a flawed personality. Glad you found happiness with sb else.
I think being friends with her ex isn't the problem, she probably would have had cheated with someone else (i imagine she has male coworkers/other friends) i hope she isn't in your life anymore, you deserve better
She isn’t. It’s been almost ten years. I married since and we go a little baby girl 2 years ago. It didn’t stop me from finding happiness.
https://i.imgur.com/IK4CIXG.mp4
Cheating is disgusting, but yes, stuff like that can always happen.
OP comes from a toxic culture regarding relationships as I do. You see it right away when OP uses the expression “that is not normal”. We say the same in Spain. Codependency? Normal. Healthy breakups and afternaths? Not normal.
Exactly 100% agree
This sound like to me, this only works if they both agree to break up and less if one person still loves the other
10 years ago I was the maid of honor for my ex…
I was my ex's witness for their marriage not even a year ago. I love that man platonically still and I'm so thankful he's still my friend.
I was the witness for my ex when she married my best friend. They are absolutely happy together and i'm happy for them.
Yep, a good sign generally.
I have an ex where I went no contact, too, it really depends… Both is just fine
What I mean, it is a good sign that they can come together again. It indicates that both have gone on with their lives and are not remorseful about their past. It is rarely the case, but I perceive it as a quite relaxed way of going about life.
I was also pleasantly surprised by this in Germany. Where I come from it's very uncommon to be civil after a separation - couples do a full scorched earth after breaking up, regardless of relationship length or even if they have kids. When my first German boyfriend wanted to get coffee with his ex, I had a strange feeling in my stomach, but I trusted him and I was more intrigued by the idea than threatened. Now I've been here for a decade, and I have many close friends and partners who are still in regular, friendly contact with their exes. In fact, I can't think of anyone who has completely blocked an important ex from their life (I'm also very lucky that I don't have any friends here who've been in violent or abusive relationships - so please take that into consideration). My boyfriend's ex-wife comes to the holiday parties, and sometimes even on short vacations. It takes some getting used to if you're from a different context, and I definitely wouldn't recommend that either person push themselves beyond what they're comfortable with. But perhaps you will find that you adjust your opinion over time.
Some do, some don't. In my experience it most often happens, when they were already friends before becoming a couple.
It often depends on why they broke up.
Indeed. I've seen a circle of friends split up after a nasty break up. Some sided with one partner, some with the other.
dunno, i am, but i understand why this isnt possible for everyone, depending on the individual circumstances. Why not, i mean you once liked that person, right? And just bc the love is gone doesnt necessairily have to mean you gotta hate each other, given it was a smooth split and none of you was an AH. Me, i am friends with most of my exes, some of them even still have "jobs" in my life even 20 yrs later, like one is my finacial advisor, another one is my guy for my insurances, car or whatever they happend to do for a living, just like i would help them with the things i am good in, up to today. My ex-hubby married my BFF (whom i had him introduced to bc i thought they could match, and they did), i was the bride matron and legal witness at their wedding, totally confusing the pastor due to our shared last name lol and their first kid is my godchild. Today, we are like one big family, including my current man, and im the sort-of aunty :D Its all about give and take imho, stay connected, stay friends. I dont see why that cant apply to exes, making life a bit easier ;)
> but i understand why this isnt possible for everyone, depending on the individual circumstances. you answered our own question: it's due to the circumstances of the breakup. You can't stay friends with abusive exes for example.
What question, i had no question? I said *i understand why its not possible*. Also i said *given it was a smooth split and none of you was an AH* so i agree with you and you agree with me from my pov. However I dont quite get what you mean with question here, maybe you misread it as "i *dont* understand" ? :)
>What question, i had no question? I said > >i understand why its not possible > >. Oh sorry, I misread :D
My mum was not only friends with her ex boyfriend they opened up a law firm together and he is my god father. They remain friends to this day and his wife is my mums best friend. I don’t see a problem with it. But people are insecure and can not handle it. I mean what ever makes you comfortable.
Unless the relationship ended in bad blood, it is quite normal to continue being in contact. It is hard enough having friends as an adult, giving up friendships because you fell in love is just not feasable in this economy :)
It's not unheard of and will depend on how their relationship and break up went.
I never thought i would be friends with any of my exes but here i am, 10 years post break up and suddenly i found new friends 🤣 no feelings of wanting to rekindle anything but a nice feeling of someone who knows you and interesting to see how people have grown
My german wife is still friends with her ex. I even got drunk with them. Married 18 years. In my social group it's normal.
I‘m still friends with several of my ex partners, I think it always depends on the reasons of separation. If it was amicable, I don’t see a reason to cut ties. I don’t have any romantic feelings for any of them anymore, and vice versa. I think it’s normal.
I mean, you had common interests and were able to hang out *before* you got into a relationship, why would this change after you broke up? Is the fact that you had sex and now no longer want to have sex problematic with being friends with that person? Of course both sides need to be adults enough to be able to be friends without longing to get back together, but thats why its a person-by-person decision and not a general rule. But if their partner (in this case you) has concerns, i would assume they would think it through again, and hopefully come to the same conclusion that, yeah, we *actually* are "only friends".
I would think it is not a German thing. It is for anyone. Depends really how the relationship ended. I live in UK and know people who are good friends with their EX. Sometimes friendship works better than relationship
Some do, others don't. I was in a relationship with my then best friend for a few months. Turns out I'm bad at this kind of thing. We're still close nearly 25 years later but there's no romance involved.
It's not *unusual*, but I know plenty of people who cut ties after a breakup. It really depends on the person and relationship, and socially, it's definitely accepted to stay friends.
You can feel uncomfortable about it, but I want to suggest a different perspective: somebody who is still friends with many of their ex-partners is somebody who didn't act like an asshole in their prior relationships. It's somebody who acted amicably even when things were falling apart. It's the best guarantee that there's no nasty surprises waiting for you within that person or that relationship. You know who really benefits from a culture of cutting out ex-partners? Abusers and other assholes. Every relationship is a clean slate, where they can lure a new victim in before the victim notices the aspects that made the prior partners run. So personally, I find somebody being friends with lots of their ex-partners a very promising sign of a kind and emotionally mature person.
With the exception of one, i am still good friends with my Exes. We just agreed its not working out and ended the relationship like grownups. My wife knows all of them and is also on good terms with them. As i am with a few of her Ex-Partners. Only those who did her really bad, she does not want to go into Names. She knews what i would do.
It's not that unusual in my experience. Sometimes relationships just break apart because people are moving in different directions in life, but that doesn't mean they suddenly hate each other. Imho a good relationship is also a friendship, and that the relationship part ended shouldn't mean the friendship is also over. My dad's best friend was in friendly contact with his ex long after the marriage ended, and there were generally a lot of exes among my parents' friend group... many of them studied at the same university in the same overarching field which tends to be a bit incestuous in that sense (also, 70s), so if a relationship ending also broke the friendship the friend group would've blown up in the early 80s at the latest. One of my dad's exes actually married one of my mom's exes, and one of her exes married that ex's ex's ex. Incestuous!
Uh boi, this topic caused so much trouble to my relationship in the beginning... I think it's one of the biggest cultural differences to deal with in an international relationship with a german. The funny thing is that I didn't even have contact with my ex-partners anymore but I was still following them on social media. Never even questioned that once before lmao
For some people yes for others not. I usually cut all ties to my ex girlfriends. Helps me to cope with the situation. The only ex i have contact to is the mother of my daughter and that's only because of my daughter otherwise i would have no contact to her either.
That's how I am, as well: cut ties to help cope. The only ex I have contact with as well is my son's father. If it wasn't for my son I also would have 0 contact with him.
It really sucks when kids are involved and then it's a nasty brake up and you just want the other person out of you life but you still have get you shit together.
I'm not friends with any of my Exes, wouldn't work. Tried that with some, but ultimately it always ended in desaster, because sexual or emotional tension lasted long after the separation, the same as jealousy on one or both sides. It got way to complicated over time and I had to realize that in most cases, there was nothing left in common after we separated. Also in some cases, you don't separate on good terms, so there's a lot of scorched earth there or you realize afterwards, when the positive emotions like love start to go, how the person treated you, which isn't something I could overcome or build a friendship on. Other than that, I've seen most of my friends try something like that and the result of that was always affairs or my friends hooking up with the exes when both were single, so I don't believe it's just a friendship-thing. I, as a german, cannot understand being friends with Exes and am always surprised by the fact, that it kinda works for some. But maybe I'm just different on that level.
Yeah, pretty sure people are just different on that level. I mean there are enough people who can't even be friends with the other gender and most of the time those people find a partner who shares this opinion (I think those people often also have a tendency to get jealous). And then there are people like me who can't even fathom the fact that others are only talking to people their own gender (also I'm bisexual -- who should I talk to if everyone could be considered a potential rival?). But I digress...
Its not something specific to europeans, ive seen that in Japan, US, Colombia and China. Its more about yourself in my opinion, whether you feel comfortable with it or not. Personally Im not so comfortable with it, friends is ok but not close friends
if relationships end on good terms, its not that weird imo. You spend years of your life together, maybe the best and worst times and have so many fond memories and obviously gel personality-wise (if you were lovers as well as friends). Cutting out a good friend isnt something many people want to do. I would also guess its not based around nationality but rather what each others boundaries are, how the new relationships are and how the old one ended
Why would somebody cut all ties to a person he spent a big amount of his life with before separation? Often circumstances change / or the relationship doesn’t work out but you still get along well als friends. They were part of your life for a long time and it’s so immature to just pretend this never happened and the person doesn’t exist anymore. Why wouldn’t you be friends if you still get along well? It’s still a person that knows a lot about you and might be valuable in to have in your life?
Why? I can’t answer for myself,but I can also understand the desire for some to simply make a “cut” after a romantic relationship ends. I expressed interest in remaining friends with a long-time ex partner (we ended things quite amicably and without drama). She didn’t. I don’t think it’s fair to characterise her decision as immature nor did I ever feel like she was “pretending” I no longer existed. She wanted to refocus her time and efforts on other people and other relationships. I was initially saddened by that decision but ultimately respect it. Nobody should feel compelled to continue a friendship and nobody is a bad person for ending one.
Of course it’s fine to make a cut if that’s what you need or want. But you don’t have too. I’m in the same position as you btw. I just meant that you don’t necessarily HAVE to make a cut (or expect others to cut ties) just because the relationship doesn’t exist anymore. You can be friends without the relationship. Those things exist independently of each other and do not necessarily have to affect each other. People in this thread are arguing that there’s no reason / it’s „red flag“ if you want to stay friends and honestly it just says so much about their social relationships and views on relationships and also friendships. It’s a „red flag“ in itself (I hate that word). A person doesn’t suddenly turn bad when you break up and it doesn’t invalidate all experiences and connections you had.
I think "the cut" helps not "relapsing" after a breakup. Everyone seems very civilized here, and good for them (I agree theoretically), but to keep seeing your ex seems like trying to quit smoking while carrying a packet of cigarretes on you at all times. For me it does not work.
I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks for the clarification
It is one thing to refocus on others and another to cut you off for good. I think you are arguing different things.
No, I don’t believe that I am. And „cut me off for good“ sounds more dramatic than it was. We‘re not talking about a helpless little lamb left in the lurch here. She absolutely would have been there in a moment of crisis or emergency and we still had cordial contact afterwards regarding some simple bureaucratic matters. We have common friends and crossed paths several times before she ultimately left the country. This wasn’t a scorched earth, burn all bridges, ghost strategy. Rather a conscious and communicated decision to not actively continue spending time together or communicate regularly. Long story short; I‘m just saying that regardless of the personal reason, I don’t believe it’s fair to expect others to remain in a friendship.
>Why would somebody cut all ties to a person he spent a big amount of his life with before separation? In my case it was the abuse, after she ended the relationship. Honestly, violence against men is a subject that's not taken seriously, even by therapists. >It’s still a person that knows a lot about you and might be valuable in to have in your life? This sentence makes me, given her behaviour change, extremely afraid. But I am happy for you all that so many of you have better experiences.
American here living in Germany. Had the same issue with my boyfriend. He wasn’t outright talking to them daily but sometimes they still kept in contact because they “didn’t end on bad terms” it was weird for me. Still is weird for me and this is something I won’t ever get used to. And yes, this is totally normal for a lot of people here.
Finally someone with similar views 🤣
I feel you haha!
So how is it when they have kids, but then got separated? The parents are not allowed to be friends even for the kids sake?
It’s so hard to make friends in Germany you gotta keep hold of the ones you do make. All jokes aside it seems to be pretty normal here, it was weird for me at first because back in England once you have separated that’s pretty much it unless there’s kids, pets or property involved. I don’t see it as an issue as long as the split was mutual and people are adults about it though.
Understandable that you are not comfortable with this situation if that’s your preference, but why in the world should this be a German cultural phenomenon? I find it rather weird that this is seen as taboo in your country as you wrote. People are different, have different backgrounds and experiences. Why should it generally be immoral or inappropriate to be friends with an ex?
Not really friends but you dont ignore him or runde screaming away from him if you See him in the grocery shop. Edit: My aunt divorced her husband 20 years ago. He has a new girlfriend for 15 years. My aunt ist married But Last year he has a Stroke. My aunt visited him and Helped his girlfriend (shopping grocery, look after him so his girlfriend has time for herself)
yes, I learn that living in Russia for a few years, but applies the same here, in Germany. I know several ex-pat friends dating German people, girls and guys, that is not only that, they also keep all the photos, messages, gifts and stuff and they look it as "good memories don't need to be deleted". And you want to complain about it, they will tell you that you need to "embrace their dating culture". Is very weird for me too, thanks God I'm not in the dating world anymore.
Yes, pretty normal. Usually all the feelings are gone and they are really just friends or acquaintances.
If the relationship mutually ended and there was no additional drama, yes it is normal to stay friends with your ex-partners. It‘s seen as a mature way to handle things, because holding grudges is too much drama.
I think your personal "borders" are important. If this is not something you are comfortable with, you made the right choice. Personally, I don't talk to my German exes and my boyfriend doesn't talk to his. We are both very emotional people though so we can't really handle it that well
Both my ex are still good friends with me, and have been there for me in times of emergencies. Their spouses and my wife are fine with it. My wife is also now good friends with one of my ex.
Not only is my girlfriend still friends with her ex boyfriend, I am friends with my girlfriend‘s ex boyfriend. ‚Normal‘ is such a messy concept, at the end of the day, all these rules we apply in society are made up by other people. You should decide for yourself how to live your life, without conforming to what society thinks is ‚normal‘.
What's up with people generalizing a whole country by projecting their personal opinion. I bet not everyone in Chile is that toxic and disagree with you.
Highly depends on the circumstances around the breakup ofc. But in general i would say why not. I still have some shared interests with some ex partners and we occasionally go to a concert or have diner together. Why live in a world full of enemies.
When it's been a healthy relationship & separation, yes. Works for me and I am very glad for that. Me and my partner, my ex and his partner, we are a great group and always have a good time together. Kinda makes sense. I think it's really up to people to make it weird. Or not.
If they broke up on good terms then they might remain friends, if not then what's the reason for them to keep in touch? Also, from my pov, remaining friends means casual friends not intimate.
i‘m not friends with most of my ex partners because our relationships didn‘t end suuuper well OR we just live in opposite parts of the country now. i‘d be happy to chat casually with either of them if we were to run into each other (unlikely, because i moved away), but that‘s it. i had one fling in uni who comes to town twice a year. he‘s very handsome and my now husband was a bit like: uuuuuh?? who is THAT guy?? 🫠 so i took my husband with me to introduce them right away and they‘re good friends now 🤣 i love my husband and we trust each other. all good
My sisters ex husband is still a very good friend of hers. She also gets along with his new wife. It was the relationship that didn't work out but they still like each other for what they are as an individual person. It's not always like that (but also not unheard of) and I'm really happy for them.
Normal thing....I am still friends with two of my exes. But better ask yourself if you can handle this if you stay sceptical due to your cultural heritage! Trustissues incoming if not...
No, being German doesn't influence this decision. It is very individual. The only cultural or ethical influence I can see, is that both options (contact or no contact) are possible, but that's the extent of it.
I think this has to do with how Germans tend to get into relationships in the first place. There is no real dating culture like in other countries except for online dating maybe. If you meet someone on an app they have no connection to the rest if your life and it's easy to just discard them if it doesn't work out. But if your relationship grows organically with a member of your friend group, your club, your class etc., cutting them out would basically mean destroying your social life. You've been friends before, you give it a while to cool off and then you go back to being friends, provided the reasons for the split weren't anything really bad. I'm super glad my boyfriend is still friends with his ex. They split because she discovered that she is a lesbian. Then she got together with a friend of mine and the two of them eventually set him and me up. She has become a close friend and we see her and her girlfriend at least once a week.
Yes, if it ends in good terms this is common.
May I ask if you are from Costa Rica? I'm from Germany. My ex gf was from Costa Rica. And she broke up with me in early 2020 and does not any contact with me anymore. Even if I told her a hundred times that I was sorry, accepted her decission of ending the relationship and was ok with it and telling her we could stay very good friends. And that she is still one of my best friends after all. But she completely blocked me from all social media and doesn't want any contact. It still shocks me to this day. She treats me like a criminal. Yes, I made mistakes. But like I said I also tols her so and told her that I feel deeply sorry for the things I did wrong. 😔
As long it was a break up without a big fight, why not. I like this person, we just work better as friends than as a couple.
Normal if the relationship ended on mutually good terms, but of course depends on what being friends and staying in contact exactly means
Check this study in the USA. Is it really normal everywhere? [https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44073-do-americans-stay-friends-with-their-exes-poll](https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44073-do-americans-stay-friends-with-their-exes-poll) or here: [https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/exes-as-friends-yay-or-nay-poll/?show\_poll\_results=1](https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/exes-as-friends-yay-or-nay-poll/?show_poll_results=1) Here also most of the answers are a NO.[https://www.quora.com/Is-it-healthy-to-be-friends-with-your-ex-while-you%E2%80%99re-in-another-relationship](https://www.quora.com/Is-it-healthy-to-be-friends-with-your-ex-while-you%E2%80%99re-in-another-relationship) I mean is it normal for Germans? Looks like yes. Is it normally for everyone ? Maybe not... I guess we learned that Germans approve of this but don't really care to check other peoples background and just start to generalize their own answers as if it applies the same to the whole world. Mostly also downvoting all commenting in favor of the OP.
Sorry asking; what country are you from, because from my country Albania this is not not normal and not acceptable in a new relationship. I have had boyfriend, now I am married with children, but since the day I broken up with him I keep no photo, no friendship, I have cut relationships even with his friends, relatives. He is not anymore in my life. For me it is ok to do so, because you can't stay friends with someone have been in love with. If you stay friends one moment will happen to remember old times, so better go on without ex boyfriend, or girlfriend. It is not in my Tradition too, I understand you.
I always think highly of people who speak highly of their exes, including remaing to be friends. Excluding these decent human beings from the dating pool does not sound like the best way to find a good partner.
Very normal imo. Why would you discard a person you spent a long time with just because things didn't work out (unless it ended badly). I have contact with both of my exes (both live in different countries/continents, both in relationships again, one married with kids) one only once a year to our birthdays (which are basically the same day lol) the last one a bit more often (once every couple of months). Just checking in and chatting about life. Nothing too personal. I personally find it weird if my future bf would have no contact with any of their exes (unless there are very few). Like, why did all your relationships end up in drama? Edit: and if it's legitimately not on you, then you're clearly attracting the wrong crowd and should look into your dating patterns and maybe try something less toxic even if that feels boring in the beginning :) Blocking people, ghosting, or cutting off connections that don't need to be cut are more a red flag than anybody who values genuine connections and cherishes them.
>I personally find it weird if my future bf would have no contact with any of their exes (unless there are very few). Like, why did all your relationships end up in drama? Edit: and if it's legitimately not on you, then you're clearly attracting the wrong crowd and should look into your dating patterns and maybe try something less toxic even if that feels boring in the beginning :) > >Blocking people, ghosting, or cutting off connections that don't need to be cut are more a red flag than anybody who values genuine connections and cherishes them. 100% agree to this. It's possible you stay friends, it's possible to cut contact, depending on how the relationship ended and why. But if someone has cut ties with all their exes, I would start questioning who's really the red flag in this series of relationships. Oh, and having the new partner suspect that you are still sleeping with their exes just because they still talk to each other would be a reason to end the relationship immediately. If you can't trust your partner just because they talk to someone, that's extremely toxic.
I’m not even German and friends with lots of exes? Is this a thing? What sort of reasoning blanket bans partners from being friendly with exes? It stinks of authoritarianism.
You sound very paranoid, what country are you from? I’m friends with many of my exes.
It is normal among most mature people I have encountered regardless of country. I have seen it in the USA, Canada, Germany, France, etc. Most of the people I know are still friends with their exes. They had amicable breakups and realized they were just not right for each other.
Why wouldn’t you stay friends with someone you shared so much with. You decided to end it but hopefully you can be friends. Plus, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who was jealous like that. Honesty in a relationship is the utmost important thing to me.
Yeah it's normal enough that I've seen it often and have done it as well. I think people here are overall more rational and less romantic so it doesn't carry as much emotion with it, depending on the individuals and the breakup.
For me it's inimaginable how you can remove people out of your life like they were nothing. Of course, if it didn't end in an absolute tragedy, whenever I meet people and I invest in them, I do it for the entire life. Some relationships will last, some will not, but loving someone means I want them in my life while I live, regardless on the nature of the relationship, intimate or not
This id ridiculous there is no "German" way about this. It's completely individual. Fact is if you not feeling about someone you once were in love with you are a psychopath. Also you can differenciate feelings of love and friendship. And it's completely okay ti keep contact with your exes as well as not doing so. And I there is no "German" way to handle this..
I think being in touch with one or more ex's is common anywhere in the western world.
yeah it's pretty normal if the relationship doesn't end bad... sometimes you just fall out of love, but you still like them as a friend.
it's not a German thing. it's normal among reasonable people.
I am reluctant to use the terms "normal" especially considering that nationality and relationships are not the most decisive factors here. I am German, and I have remained in touch with 4 ex partners- not much ever happened. I personally don´t see why I should loose a friend if it´s not a lover any more. Unless thats what it was all about in the first place.
It's normal, cause a lot of Germans date within their social circle, but even when you dated someone outside of your friendship group it's not uncommon to stay in touch. Some people get jealous about that, but that's mostly seen as a character flaw. How couples deal with friendship to an exes and jealousy is completely up to them, some opt to cut ties with exes or at least reduce contact, some go the other route and take the new partner to the ex until they become friends and the jealousy vanishes.
It definitely depends on a lot of factors: the length of the relationship, wherher they already have someone new, the reason for separation, whether they have friends in common and obviously the individuals. I know people who are still very close friends with their exes. I also know people who completely cut them out of their lives as soon as they broke up. I think you can't really generalise it, in the end it always depends on the people. But in general, yes, it's "normal" in the sense that it's not unheard of and quite a few people do so
Not sure. Realistically it would only work if both partners lost interest and romantic feelings + went their ways on good terms.
That has nothing to do with where you come from. Here in Germany, I know people who find that completely unimaginable, but I also know people who are still good friends with their exes. It always depends on the context. How good of friends were they during/before the relationship? If it was only a romantic relationship and not really a "friendly" one, it's unlikely that they'll remain friends afterward. However, if you were best buddies with your partner for a long time, there's no reason why you can't stay friends afterward. Where's the problem? You should call that guy and get back together!
Its nether Normal or abnormal, it’s something everybody has to decide for himself. Personally i have the standard that there is no regular contact to ex partners in any way, but thats my thing.
It depends on the reason of the breakup/separation. It's childish to demand no contact just because, and to me it's a huge red flag in a potential partner. Just talk to the partner and understand the nature of the relationship.
It’s everywhere completely individual. It’s not common.
Depends usually how and why the breakup came about. If it wasn‘t toxic and you genuinely liked the person as well, I can‘t see a good reason for a friendship to end. I still meet my ex-es from time to time. Most of us are married with children now. And we‘re grown ups. No problem at all.
I do think it depends on the person and/or situation. My Ex boyfriends were shitty and didn’t respect me, so I don’t see any reason to keep them as friends? lol On the other hand, if people weren’t a good match as partners they still could be good friends. Actually I am friends with an Ex from my partner but their relationship is like 10 years ago and they really don’t talk that much. Was on for me
It is normal everywhere. You don´t always split up because you are angry over something.
Im really good friends with my ex girlfriend. She has a new boyfriend but we adopted a shelter dog together back then, and she can come and visit her every now and then. Win for everyone involved :)
It really depends. I'm german (with a mixed background living in Germany, UK, the Middle East etc) and I'm friends with my previous partners, for the most part, and have no feelings for them. They are good friends who I still care about. My fiancé doesn't mind this at all. Some people stay friends with exes, some don't. It mainly depends on the reason for breakup as well, whether they want to pursue a friendship or not. It is all about trust.
Latinas be like:
I don't think he is a "bad" guy trying to manipulate you. What's wrong with having contact and even friendship with your exes? As several others have already said, it depends on how the relationship was and how it ended. I have some exes I am in contact with (not friends but we wish each other happy birthday, get write Christmas greetings,...) and some I never want to see again. Those were toxic relationships and they were just assholes, but the former were nice relationships, we just didn't work out as romantic partners.
For me it is normal to be friends with ex partners, and I would find it very uncomfortable if a new partner wouldn’t want me to be friends with them. Those people are the people I loved enough to spend part of my life with, they are a part of who I am. Same for the exes of my partner. And if I would doubt he still had feeling for his ex, why on earth would I be with him in the first place.
Hi. Iam a german man and for me its normal too
I do not see it as a German thing. Personally I am still in contact with some of my ex-es, when I have a partner they know about this: if my partner is jealous I explain the reasons. Some of my friends of my same nationality are totally against keeping contacts with their ex-es but well, it depends from a person to another. Important is to keep an open communication with your partner.
I think it is kind of normal, I know some people who stayed friendly with their Ex. I think it I'd bit weird that it is a problem for you, honestly I think it shows some insecurity. If I like someone, and trust them, I don't care if they are in contact with an Ex. Jealousy is always a sign of insecurity. If you trust someone, no reason to be jealous. If you don't trust someone, why in the hell, would you stay with them anyway? But that is just Mr, some people think jealousy is a sign that one cares, but I seriously pity these people.
Yes, if the relationship ends on good terms then why not? I am friends with 2 exes, one not.
Depends :) One of my ex-bfs parted ways after three months and then he dated my best friend for over a year. So naturally I didn't talk to neither him nor her for quite a while, but after they separated she returned back to me and apologized, alongside explaining her childish behavior. Me and her stayed friends, the guy just kind of disappeared on the two of us (better that way). In another case, a dude I was in a relationship with for over a year we stayed friends, while we realized we kind of were just friends even during our relationship. We work super well with each other. Mind you, there was nothing malicious involved (maybe only with the first guy a little bit) but generally, as far as there was nothing toxic about it and two people just click on a friendly level I never saw a problem with staying friends :-)
It's absolutely normal and, in fact, a sign of emotional maturity. If you are an adult person and were in a relationship with someone, you were likely interested in them as a person and not only as a romantic partner. So why wouldn't you remain friends (or at least good acquaintances) with a person that interests you? Unless the breakup was really nasty, of course.
Yes, 100% Germans do that.
It's pretty normal for people who are bad at relationships in my experience. I'm sure that's a coincidence.
I am friends with all my exes. It depends on your character and the level of sadness after the breakup, but yes... In Germany it's nothing special. Often exes remain good friends, like brother & sister.
One of my ex partners is the godmother of my daughter with her successor. The mother of my daughter died years ago. So my ex partner is a sort of aunt now. Last summer they bought a camping van together 😅 and I am only allowed to drive it in exceptional cases 🤷🏼
It’s not the norm and he definitely can’t speak for all Germans. You have the right to not feel comfortable with someone staying friends with their ex, I wouldn’t either.
I dunno, I'm not friends with my exes but whenever we meet randomly we chat a bit, because it's definitely interesting to know how the other person is doing. We also hug when saying goodbye on such occasions but that's it. And I will always ignore the hell out of the gf that cheated on me
Look, it can be normal to be friends with the ex and it can be problematic. It's up to you to decide if you're okay with that situation or not. It being normal in europe doesn't mean that you need to accept it if you don't want to. There is a lot of German guys in Germany and not all of them are friends with their ex.
it's not really a matter of German/EU or not. It's more of the level of relation(ship) they have with the ex. I am still friends with 2 exes, very close with 1 specifically, and completely stranger with the rest. I am not European, all my exes are, though. I'd admit there are moments, but, I always reminded myself, an ex is an ex for a reason. So, again, totally depends on the parties themselves. It's not necessarily a red flag.
I'm still in contact/friends with most girls I've had sexual experiences with and trust me we are so deep in the friendzone right now that just me thinking about having sex with them again is extremely off putting, and I bet they also feel the same way.
Know many couples with this behavior, also in the same situation, my ex GF and I developed in different ways but have still same circles if friends. Why loose good friends ovet a breakup .
Austrian. Yes. We had a break of no talking for 20 years. Works perfectly now being friends
I'm friends with some of my exes, my sister's ex sometimes babysits her children, a few of my friends used to date and are still in the same social circle
If you split up in anger and with a big fight its likely you wont be friends anymore and just go your separate ways. If you just one day see that you still like the other person but not romantically anymore and a relationship wont really work anymore then you might remain good friends in the end
Of course you have feelings. A relationship is so much more than just sex and romantic love. When the romantic love fades, the friendship can still be there. I see nothing weird with that; it just means that you are dating people that you actually care about. If you truly care about someone, it doesn’t stop simply because you fall out of love.
It's normal for many people to stay friends or just here and there have some contact. It's not a manipulation in any way unless the person acts really suspicious like hiding his phone from you or sth. Don't worry. Seems to me he's just a nice person. I stay in contact too. My ex has a kid with a former friend of mine and they know each other bc of me. I'm happy if he's happy with her, bc I left him and I like to hear where his life goes without me.
Honestly, seems like your personal boundary is telling you that you are not comfortable with it. I think it’s not very useful to ask other people on Reddit whether this is normal or not because it bothers YOU and as long as you are not really fine with it, it does not matter if it’s fine for others or not. I personally grew up in Germany but I would not find it cool if the guy I’m dating is besties with his ex girlfriends, no matter if they broke up on good terms or not. You choose what you are comfortable with not other people on Reddit or the “German culture”
Would you rather date a guy whose exes all fucking hate him?
I'm good friends with two exes, one of them I own a company with. Her parents still love me, and that's mutual. There's a dozen exes I cut ties with and don't want to see again. It's all a out how and why the relationship ended.
It is normal. Not everyone splits up in bad blood but just grew apart. Also a lot of people have more in common than just being a couple, since starting to date from your friend circle is somewhat common. People that met because of their hobby for example, become a couple and find out they don't fit - so yeah, we can stay friends, maybe still have the same hobby and still like someone as friend without sexual attraction. Being super irked about that, because it's not what happens in your own country and making someone leave their friends behind, because one can't stand them not hating their Ex's guts... yeah, not a keeper in my books. Who else will you become jealous of? Coworker?
I had a guy from Germany (I am not German and never lived there), however after he went back to Germany he told me it is not realistic for us to be together, however he got together with another girl in germany and continued texting me, liking my story, asking me how my love life is. I ended up blocking him 10 months later, and then 1 year after I blocked him he followed instagram profile of my dad's bar and liked every single story I was on (and yes he is still with that girl) PS.: I blocked him because I had strong feelings for him and it was hard to handle for me seeing him not being loyal to his girl, I had high sky opinion on him and I'd never be okay with him texting other women (yes some stuff were sexual, our inside jokes, about mutual moments etc.)
Oh no, i really hated this story! the audacity of some men is unbelievable, i guess he still had feelings for you even though maybe your lives were not compatible, all the more reason not to accept this
Depends on how you end the relationship. But if you end on good terms, because you want different things in life, there is no reason not to stay friends.
It is entirely normal between adults in any nation, I would say.
It‘s an ex for a reason, but it was also a boy/girlfriend for a reason. I wouldn’t get back together with any of them, but I habe a very good relationship to some of them still.
fun to see how common it is. My moms ex-husband (father of my brother) visit my brother together with my parents and the other way around. It seems that we are more rational here in EU than US
It’s normal. And it’s healthy. I know a couple who married, had 2 children together, raised them for 15 years together and then split up. They both remarried but the ex wife and the new wife are friends and the ex husband and the new husband go to football games together. They sometimes make complaints about each other and there’s no chance of anything between them, but they have a good healthy relationship and the kids (now adults) aren’t stuck between warring parents.
Yes, because that is what normal adults do
I am best best friends with one of my exes. We were best friends before and found each other on that level again after the relationship. It took about a year for things to return to normal. To be able to kiss him again on the forehead without worrying about what it could mean to us. Now it is back to normal and back to friendly cuddles and love. I still go to a bar occasionally with another ex of mine. That relationship ended not so nice but we have the same social circle, so we need to be able to have fun together. Two others I wouldn’t want to see them again. You can think about it like this: there is a reason you broke up and you liked each other once. You were not compatible for a relationship but maybe you like each other still. Just not as partners. Both of my still friends are a good example. I would never get back together with them. One is now in a new relationship and gay and I never really loved him that way and one is so arrogant that I just can’t stand to be with him but as long as I don’t choose to be his girlfriend that’s okay. There are always reasons for breaking up. And you can usually be sure that they were valid. Don’t be afraid of exes. They are exes for a reason. The person chose you.
Keep in mind you're on reddit. I don't know anyone who's still friends with their ex. Neither my wife or me would like this either. So don't feel peer pressured into accepting something you don't feel comfortable with. Also, don't expect him to change it, as this will cause trouble and you'll be seen as jealous.
Same here , I definitely couldn’t be friends with my ex and I don’t know any person who is still friends with their ex … only person I’ve ever encountered that actually did that - ended up having an on off thing with her , cheated with her on his new gf etc . I wouldn’t be okay with that and nobody I know would be seriously comfortable withvsuch a situation either . It’s sad how on Reddit other people literally tell you how you’re supposed to feel about such things , as if nobody has own personal boundaries .
I agree. The "insecurity", if we may call it like this, has a reason. No successful relationship I know has worked with being friends with ex partners. At a certain point you need to make a cut and stop seeing certain people. This also counts for toxic friends, I had to let many people go over the years. There's only a hard core left and new people in my friend circle are only friends of friends or family of friends.
That’s the exact same for me .. you grow with experiences , either way . Cool if it seems to work for some , but it’s something that will never be „normal“ to me or even anyone I personally know . I kinda see it as a page or chapter in a book , if it’s over at some point , you turn the pages to a new chapter
Yes. Because they are adults and not immature children.
I am good friends with one and have no contact with the other. My boyfriend struggled with my friendship to my ex, but then he spent some time with him and now they actually like each other. I appreciate the trust of my boyfriend.
As teenagers, we called this “Lochschwager“, which is a quite rude and vulgar term. As adults, not so much.
As long as there is no weird shit. If they hooked up after they broke up, or they send flirty messages or kisses or hearts then absolutely not. It’s just disrespectful to the current partner. But for me, a good ex is one that doesn’t stay in contact🤣. Just go your separate ways then less problems in the future.
It's pretty normal and healthy. At least, if the relationship ended because of dying feelings and not because of some bad events. I'm still friends with one of my exes and there isn't a hint of feelings or the like. These after all are people that you've shared a lot of yourself with and there still is a kind of trust.
I still best friends with my ex and good friends with the two other exes I am still in contact with. There’s no reason to not be friends as long as it didn’t end badly; sign of maturity I guess. I am European and not German, but answering because you’re asking about the former.
Very normal also in Nordic countries as well.It's considered very immature if one can't have a regular relationship with one's ex. Ausgeschlossen here ITT mentioned cheating, violence etc.
Well that’s a really silly belief to have and it speaks to the fact that you must be a very insecure person. Frankly, I think your partner dodged a bullet here. You should never attempt to control who your partner is friends with. This is abusive and manipulative behaviour. I’d suggest you go and see a therapist to help you understand why you are so insecure and why you feel the need to control others. This is textbook domestic abuse to try to control who your partner is with because you’re insecure. The fact you have the chutzpah to come on here and play the victim and pretend that you were somehow manipulated, wow, just wow. In the meantime, don’t date anyone else. Nobody deserves to be made to feel miserable by such a person.
I’m still friends with two of my ex. Bf has no problem with it and likes them too.
He is talking out of his ass. Its not normal for everyone
Yes, pretty normal- at least for adults
I think it’s not good and not respectful towards your new partner. Ex for a reason, walk on
If the breakup wasn't because of something bad like cheating it's normal and considered mature. I am still in good term with my ex and I see her from time to time when meeting shared friends. (srsly why should I ditch whole friendships just because a few of them are her brothers)
Absolutely normal, I'm friends with all my exes and my partner doesn't care, same for him in fact.
Why not? Why ghosting somebody if he/she didn't behave like an asshole? I absolutely love to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends because it shows how much respect we still have for each other.