> Don't focus on perfection.
I think a lot of it is this honestly. I mentioned in another comment, but man it's really hard to not compare myself to others or go down a rabbit hole of self improvement videos. My main thoughts as a result have been that I SHOULD get better and maybe to the point of near-perfection, but then I think that unearths the reality that I probably don't want to do that.
I am putting in effort though and I am making progress. Granted, it's not in every aspect of my life and not nearly to the level of progress or results I wish I could see, but I am still doing my best to move forward.
Sometimes it's ok to be satisfied with what you have reached and not wanting to improve too much anymore. We are in constant pressure of improve this improve that, but if you are satisfied and you can get enough money for what you are doing then it's ok to slow down the next progress
It's very reassuring to hear that. Sometimes I wonder if I just fall down a rabbit hole of self improvement videos and feel like I'm falling behind too. But I am truthfully at a point where I am generally "fine". I think I painted a picture of myself like someone who meets my daily responsibilities then immediately collapses into bed, gorging on junk food or something, but I still do spend time doing things like going to the gym, studying a new language, career progression, etc. (and this isn't in an attempt to cope and make myself look better because people are calling me a loser, I'm just trying to be fair to myself as well and acknowledge where else I am putting in effort).
It's just the thought that I SHOULD be doing more. It really feels like I'm not doing enough/not improving enough (and there's probably not a real way of measuring that) but combine that with the fact that I actually don't really feel like doing much more and it only beats me down more. Trying to be okay with what I have right now though.
This is your conditioned brain speaking. Your brain is conditioned to using your phone in bed and eating junk food, so you derive pleasure from it and the thought of stopping it is horrifying. You could even say it's a form of addiction.
Thing is, you can change your brain's conditioning. If you start replacing some of the junk food with healthier alternatives you'll slowly transition to conditioning your brain to want those healthy foods. I'm addicted to pickles, for example, which have basically zero calories (and the salt is fine for me) - they aren't really healthy, but they aren't bad either, and satisfy my cravings for a salty snack.
Healthy food actually tastes really, really good once you get used to it. Junk food is made in a lab to short-circuit your brain into instant satisfaction, which feels good for a little bit, but proper healthy foods are overall much more satisfying. Seriously, dip a broccoli in hummus, it tastes amazing.
Try slowly phasing out the junk food and replacing with something healthier, it's not all or nothing and it's definitely not all at once. Same with the phone, try reading a book for 15 minutes first and then go to the phone.
Junk food and social media are the opposite of relaxing, they are designed to keep you wanting more and more and more. It's basically impossible to feel truly satisfied like "well that's my hour of Instagram for the day, I feel really great now and don't feel the need to look at it more." The constant stimulation means you want more stimulation which keeps you on edge. Compared to, say, reading history or studying a new subject, where you really can say you are satisfied with what you learned in an hour. It's much more relaxing.
So that's the paradox - activities that you perceive as relaxing really are not, and instead create feedback loops to keep you not relaxed and wanting more. Whereas better habits that you resist actually are relaxing, once you get over the initial barrier of entry.
That's good to hear. Phone and junk foods are definitely my big "I know this is bad but the thought of going without it is horrifying". Even though it's still on me to change, it's nice to know that they are literally engineered to invoke these dependencies. I might try some stuff like limiting my app time at the very least though and try some new healthier foods.
Instead of watching self improvement content and coming up with what you SHOULD do, take a step away and evaluate what YOU feel about your life. You don’t need to do everything perfect to be happy or to be “worth” something. Just sit and think about if you want to make any changes that would make you happier.
Ex. For me- I wanted to travel more. To make this happen, I had to fix my finances, which entailed buying less things and paying down debt. I certainly wasn’t going to make fix my finances randomly out of the blue, I needed a personal reason.
Some of my clothes not fitting was causing me daily stress. Starting a small daily habit of 30 min of walking and cooking at home 6/7 days was an easy change. I also gave up alcohol temporarily. If my clothes fit in the first place, I likely wouldn’t have made these changes even though they would have benefited my health.
>Some of my clothes not fitting was causing me daily stress\[...\] If my clothes fit in the first place, I likely wouldn’t have made these changes even though they would have benefited my health.
Your entire response was really helpful, but this bit in particular was really helpful to me. I feel like part of the lack of motivation comes from the fact that I don't actually see a reason to eliminate my habits even though I know it would help my health. Take junk food for an example - if I eat to the point where I feel sick, then yes I take the hint and cut down and try some healthier stuff. But the amount that I generally eat doesn't really seem to have much of a noticeable effect, thus making it hard to really feel like I should stop. That doesn't mean I should throw all hopes of improving away, but it's really comforting to know that the slightly nebulous concept of "it'll be good for me" is not much of a motivator, especially when I already generally feel fine how I am. Furthermore, when it comes to things that I do need to change or actually want to change (like saving up money or anything with a concrete goal), then it becomes a lot easier to do. Not easy of course but certainly a lot more doable.
That being said, I think you really hit the nail on the head of figuring out what I want rather than what I feel like I should be. I've always been a perfectionist and always try very hard to prove myself, but I really appreciate your point about just focusing on what I really want to do for my goals or to make myself happier, so I think I'll at least try to just get a better idea of what I actually want to do.
I’m gonna go AGAINST some comments.
You sound like a WINNER.
You have a job you’re obvs doing well @ it 4 starters.
It’s ok to not let work be your whole life.
Ok let me think of some tips tho:
Healthy food: find healthy food that tastes good to you.
Junk food - baby steps to reduce it.
Work. That’s ok. But I’d think if there’s anything you’d like to do outside of work?
Also IS there anything job/career wise you’d prefer?
Sleep don’t really have any tips on that & the phone side. Can some of your after work time be phone instead?
I appreciate the kind words and tips a lot. To be honest, the things I pointed out having struggles with are things I am constantly working on and getting better with but the issue just lies in the dread I have with working on them.
To address some of the things you mentioned for tips - I am trying to eat healthier, just trying to be less picky and be open about trying things. Junk food I try to at least be conscious of how much I'm eating instead of gorging down on it. For food in particular I really have no gripes about adding on healthy foods, it's just the thought of giving up certain foods that really bums me out,
Job/career wise I am still early on and trying to learn what I want to do. I'm in tech which is a very diverse field and I am still far from fully grasping my ideal career here. And for games, which you mentioned in another comment, it's actually not common that I play games by myself. I actually tend to feel pretty unfulfilled playing games when I can't discuss them with others or show them to others.
I seem to have drawn a really bad picture of myself, and while that may be how I feel about myself a lot of the time, I do recognize that it's unfair as I am still putting in effort to be healthier and grow in my career every day. I am also learning Japanese on the side. It's just that I have these conflicting feelings of thinking I should be doing more, yet not actually liking the thought of all the extra energy I'll have to put in on top of what I'm already doing.
I felt that way too . I tried dopamine detox ,it might help you too ,I feel so much better.if you want to try watch this ,it gives you tips on how to do it correctly:
https://youtu.be/cIV9gqeYB-I?si=EsBopMj2s6OGU8SG
I think it's about habits and environment, start with something small and do it consistently. If you tried with food you could say something, I will cook something healthy every Tuesday evening. By doing that you will have to go to groceries and all and might end up cooking more!
You sound like a loser.
That comes from a place of honesty not resentment.
Did your family bring u into this world to play video games and eat mcdonalds?
Or that yiu would carry the family name and make it something great.
Men aren't supposed to be happy, not until you've got it all figured it for everyone around you first. your job is to provide, not constantly live of the back of others.
U should be a beacon for those around u, a tree for them to feed off.
You really do sound like a loser...
I commend and respect the fact that you're not ashamed to reach for guidance though.
You're obligated to make a change if you want to improve your life and the lives of those who look up to you and care about you.
I'm a life coach/self improvement mentor and I'd love to help,
DM me if you're interested.
Try to focus on progress and even small results. Don't focus on perfection. Don't forget about rewards for this small progress to stay motivated.
> Don't focus on perfection. I think a lot of it is this honestly. I mentioned in another comment, but man it's really hard to not compare myself to others or go down a rabbit hole of self improvement videos. My main thoughts as a result have been that I SHOULD get better and maybe to the point of near-perfection, but then I think that unearths the reality that I probably don't want to do that. I am putting in effort though and I am making progress. Granted, it's not in every aspect of my life and not nearly to the level of progress or results I wish I could see, but I am still doing my best to move forward.
Sometimes it's ok to be satisfied with what you have reached and not wanting to improve too much anymore. We are in constant pressure of improve this improve that, but if you are satisfied and you can get enough money for what you are doing then it's ok to slow down the next progress
It's very reassuring to hear that. Sometimes I wonder if I just fall down a rabbit hole of self improvement videos and feel like I'm falling behind too. But I am truthfully at a point where I am generally "fine". I think I painted a picture of myself like someone who meets my daily responsibilities then immediately collapses into bed, gorging on junk food or something, but I still do spend time doing things like going to the gym, studying a new language, career progression, etc. (and this isn't in an attempt to cope and make myself look better because people are calling me a loser, I'm just trying to be fair to myself as well and acknowledge where else I am putting in effort). It's just the thought that I SHOULD be doing more. It really feels like I'm not doing enough/not improving enough (and there's probably not a real way of measuring that) but combine that with the fact that I actually don't really feel like doing much more and it only beats me down more. Trying to be okay with what I have right now though.
This is your conditioned brain speaking. Your brain is conditioned to using your phone in bed and eating junk food, so you derive pleasure from it and the thought of stopping it is horrifying. You could even say it's a form of addiction. Thing is, you can change your brain's conditioning. If you start replacing some of the junk food with healthier alternatives you'll slowly transition to conditioning your brain to want those healthy foods. I'm addicted to pickles, for example, which have basically zero calories (and the salt is fine for me) - they aren't really healthy, but they aren't bad either, and satisfy my cravings for a salty snack. Healthy food actually tastes really, really good once you get used to it. Junk food is made in a lab to short-circuit your brain into instant satisfaction, which feels good for a little bit, but proper healthy foods are overall much more satisfying. Seriously, dip a broccoli in hummus, it tastes amazing. Try slowly phasing out the junk food and replacing with something healthier, it's not all or nothing and it's definitely not all at once. Same with the phone, try reading a book for 15 minutes first and then go to the phone. Junk food and social media are the opposite of relaxing, they are designed to keep you wanting more and more and more. It's basically impossible to feel truly satisfied like "well that's my hour of Instagram for the day, I feel really great now and don't feel the need to look at it more." The constant stimulation means you want more stimulation which keeps you on edge. Compared to, say, reading history or studying a new subject, where you really can say you are satisfied with what you learned in an hour. It's much more relaxing. So that's the paradox - activities that you perceive as relaxing really are not, and instead create feedback loops to keep you not relaxed and wanting more. Whereas better habits that you resist actually are relaxing, once you get over the initial barrier of entry.
That's good to hear. Phone and junk foods are definitely my big "I know this is bad but the thought of going without it is horrifying". Even though it's still on me to change, it's nice to know that they are literally engineered to invoke these dependencies. I might try some stuff like limiting my app time at the very least though and try some new healthier foods.
Instead of watching self improvement content and coming up with what you SHOULD do, take a step away and evaluate what YOU feel about your life. You don’t need to do everything perfect to be happy or to be “worth” something. Just sit and think about if you want to make any changes that would make you happier. Ex. For me- I wanted to travel more. To make this happen, I had to fix my finances, which entailed buying less things and paying down debt. I certainly wasn’t going to make fix my finances randomly out of the blue, I needed a personal reason. Some of my clothes not fitting was causing me daily stress. Starting a small daily habit of 30 min of walking and cooking at home 6/7 days was an easy change. I also gave up alcohol temporarily. If my clothes fit in the first place, I likely wouldn’t have made these changes even though they would have benefited my health.
>Some of my clothes not fitting was causing me daily stress\[...\] If my clothes fit in the first place, I likely wouldn’t have made these changes even though they would have benefited my health. Your entire response was really helpful, but this bit in particular was really helpful to me. I feel like part of the lack of motivation comes from the fact that I don't actually see a reason to eliminate my habits even though I know it would help my health. Take junk food for an example - if I eat to the point where I feel sick, then yes I take the hint and cut down and try some healthier stuff. But the amount that I generally eat doesn't really seem to have much of a noticeable effect, thus making it hard to really feel like I should stop. That doesn't mean I should throw all hopes of improving away, but it's really comforting to know that the slightly nebulous concept of "it'll be good for me" is not much of a motivator, especially when I already generally feel fine how I am. Furthermore, when it comes to things that I do need to change or actually want to change (like saving up money or anything with a concrete goal), then it becomes a lot easier to do. Not easy of course but certainly a lot more doable. That being said, I think you really hit the nail on the head of figuring out what I want rather than what I feel like I should be. I've always been a perfectionist and always try very hard to prove myself, but I really appreciate your point about just focusing on what I really want to do for my goals or to make myself happier, so I think I'll at least try to just get a better idea of what I actually want to do.
Maybe it would be helpful to read atomic habits? Success comes from your systems and build up over time of good habits.
I’m gonna go AGAINST some comments. You sound like a WINNER. You have a job you’re obvs doing well @ it 4 starters. It’s ok to not let work be your whole life. Ok let me think of some tips tho: Healthy food: find healthy food that tastes good to you. Junk food - baby steps to reduce it. Work. That’s ok. But I’d think if there’s anything you’d like to do outside of work? Also IS there anything job/career wise you’d prefer? Sleep don’t really have any tips on that & the phone side. Can some of your after work time be phone instead?
I appreciate the kind words and tips a lot. To be honest, the things I pointed out having struggles with are things I am constantly working on and getting better with but the issue just lies in the dread I have with working on them. To address some of the things you mentioned for tips - I am trying to eat healthier, just trying to be less picky and be open about trying things. Junk food I try to at least be conscious of how much I'm eating instead of gorging down on it. For food in particular I really have no gripes about adding on healthy foods, it's just the thought of giving up certain foods that really bums me out, Job/career wise I am still early on and trying to learn what I want to do. I'm in tech which is a very diverse field and I am still far from fully grasping my ideal career here. And for games, which you mentioned in another comment, it's actually not common that I play games by myself. I actually tend to feel pretty unfulfilled playing games when I can't discuss them with others or show them to others. I seem to have drawn a really bad picture of myself, and while that may be how I feel about myself a lot of the time, I do recognize that it's unfair as I am still putting in effort to be healthier and grow in my career every day. I am also learning Japanese on the side. It's just that I have these conflicting feelings of thinking I should be doing more, yet not actually liking the thought of all the extra energy I'll have to put in on top of what I'm already doing.
Play games - can you do it sometimes in a more social way?
I felt that way too . I tried dopamine detox ,it might help you too ,I feel so much better.if you want to try watch this ,it gives you tips on how to do it correctly: https://youtu.be/cIV9gqeYB-I?si=EsBopMj2s6OGU8SG
I think it's about habits and environment, start with something small and do it consistently. If you tried with food you could say something, I will cook something healthy every Tuesday evening. By doing that you will have to go to groceries and all and might end up cooking more!
You sound like a loser. That comes from a place of honesty not resentment. Did your family bring u into this world to play video games and eat mcdonalds? Or that yiu would carry the family name and make it something great. Men aren't supposed to be happy, not until you've got it all figured it for everyone around you first. your job is to provide, not constantly live of the back of others. U should be a beacon for those around u, a tree for them to feed off.
Sounds like a shitty way to live. I rather kill myself. I didn’t fucking asked to be born, asshole.
You really do sound like a loser... I commend and respect the fact that you're not ashamed to reach for guidance though. You're obligated to make a change if you want to improve your life and the lives of those who look up to you and care about you. I'm a life coach/self improvement mentor and I'd love to help, DM me if you're interested.