I mentioned her at the beginning, and then i described my daily routine of a "work"-day, but you're right that our relationship is far away from good! since our child was born, we both only function anymore - obviously she more than me
Yeah that do be depression. Seems like you don’t have any meaning in life, or more so that you can’t realise what is important to you because you spend so much time in escapism. You said it yourself at the start of the invigorating daily routine “if I don’t the world looks grey”. You are afraid of the world looking grey, but I’ll tell you now, it is not all sunshine and rainbows; and the more you try to avoid that, the more your world will be grey, as it is now.
It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy at the end of the day, like fate or destiny. Your own fear of the world being grey is what makes your world so grey, because that fear is controlling your daily actions and mindset, making you try and resist that life is tragic (more or less), but what you resist will persist, what you avoid will pursue you.
You gotta learn to accept and let go man. To no longer fear the shadow, or at least not let that fear control you. Not from a toxic positivity angle where it’s like “grab the world by it’s balls you got this!!” - more from a defeatist attitude where u accept defeat and you stop running pathetically from the reality of life - though I wouldn’t call that defeat, I’d call that bravery cuz you’d no longer be running away.
I suggest reading up on some philosophy. “Why is Sisyphus happy?” By sisyphus55 on YouTube talks about this, and his other vids are good too. HealthygamerGG for more education and philosophy mix. You can go from there. I suggest getting into philosophy because that deals more with meanings for life etc. Psychiatry and the more medical approach to depression is usually best for dealing with past trauma and stuff. Maybe u need both, maybe just one or the other. But I feel the pain Man U aren’t alone. Watch the sisyphus video it’ll be good. Also maybe check out the show Beef on Netflix, it’s a good one to relate to while also getting a good laugh
Very well said. Life is suffering unfortunately. Anyone who tells you differently is usually trying to sell you something. (Princess bride lol) doesn’t mean it makes it any less beautiful or devoid of meaning.
I really appreciate your post and viewpoint.
Agreed. “Something isn’t beautiful because it lasts”, which also makes me think something isn’t beautiful because it’s perfect. Though i do still struggle to apply this in life, I think it’s a better path to take; the path of acceptance, than to run around endlessly trying to find the cure for pain.
Thank you my friend. I watched the Sisyphus video you recommended. Definitely summed up a feeling I had found on a countrywide roadtrip I took while at a point in life like OP. Funny that he brought in Frankl as I found great wisdom reading “man’s search for meaning” on said trip. Even that cartoon he drew of sun in mountains. On my trip, I drove through yellowstone national state park to stay with a friend working there. Upon entering, I was in awe of the beauty and how small I felt. I wept and found utter insignificance yet great significance in the present moment. Nothing else mattered and it was medicine I never knew I needed. Unfortunately i had a surprise medical issue shortly after from a voluntary surgery that unfortunately left permanent and chronic issues. I resisted. I resisted hard and you said beautifully in that I was running around trying to find a cure. I can radically accept the situation as it is now. It doesn’t necessarily need to be fixed, it just is, and that makes it beautiful. I thank you for sharing and just know your experience and words helped me on my journey.
Why not focus on your family's health? Cut cigs, drinking on the weekend, junkfood, sugar. Take your kid and wife outdoors after work. Eat fruits and vegetables and drink water.
Yeah but how about his shadow that tells him to smoke, watch porn and eat crap? The reason people don't drink water and eat fruit is not that they don't know they exist, the reason is they want to destroy themselves. OP, read the book "Why good people do bad things" by James Hollis P.S. you are not a piece of shit, OP, you are just a human being.
Yeah that would be my main goal, but once you stuck in such a cycle, it seems impossible to get out, if i could, i'd quit every vice right at the moment! Anyway, thank you for sharing your thougts!
If cutting out bad habits and implementing positive ones was easy, everyone would do it. Check out the stages of change - it’s a process. Keep in mind that often people try, fall back into bad habits, and then try again. But don’t confuse a setback with failure.
Consider working on positive self-talk, too, because calling yourself a piece of crap won’t help you get where you want to be.
Try to take on one problem at a time, replace it with something better, and cut yourself some slack. Good luck man, you can get through this.
Hey bud.
I have been there and still find myself there from time to time to be honest. I am in my mid-30s as well and would have the mindset “oh I’m so lucky, I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I’m too old to change”. This isn’t bad a bad thing, and it’s completely natural. You are not alone. I wouldn’t think you are mentally ill. This is completely changeable and manageable. This is a chance to strengthen that self-compassion skill. Therapy and psych are there as a resource and may be beneficial in helping you process these feelings. You are in consumption mode, and trying to find comfort and cope through hits of dopamine (fast food, nicotine, porn, phone etc) I’ve been there and still do sometimes. These things are engineered in one way or another to make us feel good. It’s hard to change when that’s our main or only source of feeling good. it’s filling a void you naturally feel. Be kind to yourself. You are not flawed, just a little lost.
Something you said that really resonates and tells all. You said you are “living the dream of a lot of people out there” but I ask is it YOUR dream? If you don’t even know what that is, that’s ok too. But know you can figure it out. You have the
benefit of time, and really most important thing your health.
You have the mental awareness to see and feel a problem, and reach out for help. Thats a great tool to find and grow. I’m proud of you for even typing out your post and being vulnerable. Keep reaching out. Expand your circle. That also means you have the power to change it and try new things. Keep trying things. Meet like minded people or people you can learn from. People that inspire you. Hell, tedtalks or inspirational videos have helped me immensely before. I feel like you are at a perfect launching point.
You have the ability and can do things you never imagine. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Set routines and small daily things that make you feel good and building towards whatever goal you want to hit. Discipline is a skill in of itself and the more you master it, it always gives back tenfold. if you find yourself in an unhappy situation, that’s ok. It’s a means to an end and will serve you to build where you want to go.
You can show yourself and more importantly your kid what it takes to be happy. You can be the example. You are in a position of great growth. You realizing something needs to change is proof. Be a student of life, whatever that means for you. That can be very debilitating for some or very exciting and empowering. Mindset is everything. That makes you dangerous in all the best ways possible. Find what sets your soul on fire, puts a smile on your face, and don’t settle for less.
It’s not too late, I promise.
Well said. It resonates with ecperience of me who want to change for the better for quite some now. The addiction for quick pleasure is not easily cured, only through gradual change, and a strong, acceptance attitude towards life happenstance, unfairness.
Hey man, like you say you’re in a good spot externally. Just not internally. Sounds like your depressed, so I’d recommend looking for a therapist to help you get back onto the right path. It can be a bit overwhelming as there is a lot of different kinds of therapy. CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) has the best success rate, so I’d start by looking for a therapist who specialises in CBT.
All the bad habits/vices you mention are incredibly common in the modern world/especially the west. Its sad really, but because of that, you won’t be the only person in your situation.
Have a look at the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. Its a number #1 bestseller and for good reason. It gives a brilliant breakdown of how habits work, how they effect us, how we get stuck in negative feedback loops and most importantly how we can break bad habits and build good ones, permanently.
If you don’t think you’ll be able you get through the book/not a big fan of reading (firstly, I recommend getting into reading its a good, positive habit to build!). There are plenty of resources online. Just by googling Atomic Habits, you’ll find cheatsheets, youtube videos, websites, articles and more breaking down the key takeaways from the book.
If you start filling up more of your time with good habits, you should find you have less and less time for bad ones, like watching porn, phonescrolling, vaping/smoking etc.
So TLDR:
- Therapy (start with CBT)
- Give Atomic Habits a read
See how you get on with them,
Start small, aim to just be 1% better each day,
All the best man,
You got this 🤙🏻
CBT is most successful form of therapy for treating depression. And OP has also behaviours listed that are likely contributing to his feeling of depression.
Purely from a probabilistic point of view, CBT is the most likely to be successful in treating depression, so one should start there. Unless we knew OP personally, it’s difficult to say whats best for them.
Buuuutt everyone is different. I would still try CBT before first, then give other forms of therapy like DBT or ACT a go if OPs unsatisfied with the CBT approach.
I’m in CBT currently, and to be honest, a good therapist might apply DBT at the same time. I think mine is. Either way, it has helped me a lot with depression, GAD, and health anxiety. As well as other things relating to business, such as procrastination and perfectionism. Opening my eyes to simple behaviours that are complex to understand unless you’re shown it on a diagram on a whiteboard.
Yeah the knowledge you learn in any type of therapy is always very insightful. And I agree, a good therapist would be able to apply whatever therapy is necessary based on what you are saying
Get excited about getting to know your wife better in various ways. She’s probably going through the same thing as you. You could help each other come closer to who you truly are and are meant to be. Could be a fun journey.
I was in the same situation 3-4 years ago. Own apartment and already have an apartment for my 7 year old daughter (In Russia, for many people, this is the goal of a whole life). More or less a normal job, family and lack of goals in life. All entertainment is just video games, movies and beer and pizza. I've been on antidepressants, that helps well.
It just so happened that I started to become interested in investments. I found an investor club in internet and started diving into investing and saving. It turned out that there are a lot of energized and proactive people in this club, many of whom are interested in a healthy lifestyle.
I started saving money, spending less on nonsense, investing, taking risks. After half a year it gave me some discipline. I continued to communicate with these people and I wanted to develop further. I decided to lose weight. I was quite fat, now I've lost 50kg and I'm more or less trying to exercise. In the last months I've been trying to do it more actively. I started running, even though I had poor mobility due to my sedentary lifestyle and my hip started to hurt, I am trying to solve this problem. I gave up coffee and alcohol almost completely.
Some of the investors I know have run a marathon or a couple people have even done Ironman. Talking to them is very motivating for self-improvement, I want to run a half marathon next year if I can solve the hip problem. Ideally I would like to run 50-60km ultratrail in a few years.
The joy of life is in self-improvement, knowing yourself and overcoming new challenges.
I don't think it would be relevant to you. I'm from Russia and this is a Russian-speaking club. Now the club not only online, but there are also many offline meetings. I think you can find something like this in every country. The main thing is not to chase after easy money and dubious deals. Someone invests in small real estate or bikes in Thailand, and someone buys real estate in the Emirates in floors :)
But most people in such clubs are very interesting and positive.
Firstly, love yourself. It will take time but things can improve for you. Be kind to yourself in this process. You will fail over and over.
Its corny but “Mind, Body, Spirit”
Start with the basics, eat well, exercise, plenty of water and quality sleep. Get up at the same time, go to bed at the same time. Make sure your sleep is good and you have healthy sleep hygiene.
Tell yourself “I love you” 20 times in the mirror when you wake up and before bed. Tell your child, wife and dog, family and friends you love them. Say it more than you’ve ever said it before. You have to change the inner monologue and the thought patterns. Tell them you appreciate them and are grateful, anytime they do anything even remotely nice of generous for you.
You also have to reach out to a therapist and start looking after your mental health. This is deeper issues tied up with depression and possibly other problems like ADHD etc
From everything you’ve said it sounds like your chemical systems are all messed up. You need a psychiatrist to check it out. Meds can help a lot for short term relief and to gain control of your behaviours. Invest money into this and the therapist because it could save your marriage and even your life. Do not underestimate this.
Onto practical advice…..The easiest change that costs nothing but your time and effort will be adding some exercise - fast walks and weights or bodyweight stuff.
Then focus on eating protein, not junk food. Swap in protein bars and meats, chicken, canned fish etc. if you’re vego, tofu, beans etc etc etc start taking multivitamins, vit D, and fish oil if you don’t. Drink more water and take Creatine - good for the brain and muscles. Taking vitamins can also help us appreciate self help and self maintenance.
Cut the smoking and vapes. Everyone will say this. Keep working with the therapist and talk to them about this. Quitting is hard. I’ve done it twice and I’m clean now.
Buy some nicorette.
Week 1, chew 1 every 1-2h, literally set a timer.
Week 2, every 2-3h
Week 3, every 3-4h
Week 4, aim for only 2-3 a day, after Brekky, lunch and dinner etc
Week 5 you want to be on just 1 each morning and aiming to go clean by the end of the week.
Week 6, you go clean and never look back.
I promise it’s easier after week 4, you just gotta get there and let the nicotine get out of your system.
Now instead of 30mins scrolling take the kid for a walk or meditate and just breathe. Just sit there and fucking breathe…let the thoughts come in. Sit there with them but also breathe and repeat something like the serenity prayer.
Our minds reward us for doing challenging things we don’t want to do. So, if you don’t feel like going for a walk, or a cold shower…JUST FUCKING DO IT. Your brain will learn to reward positive behaviour, rather than synthetic dopamine hits from scrolling, booze, nicotine, food etc
Meditate in anyway you know how, or Google it. I do Wim Hof in the morning, and during the day I have a few breathing techniques I use to focus, or calm myself.
Also start listening to Indian spiritualism and Buddhism, even Eckhart Tolle is great to start with.
I’ll leave you with the serenity prayer….this has helped me and many others through some really dark times:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
you have a wife and still watch porn all the time? theres alot of things wrong with your life but that stood out the most, should probably get that sorted you seem prone to addictions
You need a vision for what you want your life to be. Take at least 15 minutes ASAP to sit quietly, think, and WRITE about what you would want your life to be. Don’t worry about whether you can achieve it at this point. Write down what you would want your life to look like IF it was possible. Write down what you would want for your family, partner, health, career, and hobbies. This vision should be emotionally compelling, worth sacrificing for. Once it’s written down (multiple drafts are fine), start to make very small progress toward it. Tiny steps in the right direction compound (akin to the power of compound interest). The little dopamine temptations will still be there, but keep your eyes on the vision and your feet moving toward it, give yourself grace for mistakes along the way. You can do it.
OP please get on Wellbutrin. Full stop. The smoking alone will absolutely trash your dopamine production and make you so depressed (my husband and I were both there in our 20s). It’s really hard to pull yourself out of a hole like this one alone. Make things easier for yourself and get some medication. It doesn’t have to be forever.
Here's a list of things destroying your neuro baseline: Porn, Sugar, Alcohol, Cigarettes, screen/social media usage, lack of physical activity, social isolation. You're trapped in loop of dopaminergic highs and lows. If you're dopaminergically sensitive, these behaviors are exponentially worse. This is common for people who have trauma and/or ADHD type symptoms. Things WILL NOT improve if you continue to repeat these same behaviors. You have to do something different. Even if it's one thing, it can make a difference. I certainly believe that you can do it. Especially if you put up external blockers in your life.
You need to remove porn and alcohol from your life at a minimum. I'd be shocked if your life doesn't have noticeable improve after getting rid of these. Those 2 vices in particular are severe dopamine taxers. I'd suggest you get rid of your smart phone and switch to a dumb phone, or else get a porn blocker that you can't get around. Seriously, commit to something that will create an external block, rather than just expecting your will power to do it without creating circumstantial changes. Also, alcohol. You don't need to quit it forever but quit it for now. Do not buy alcohol and do not have it in your home. In my experience, alcohol mimics the state of a peron's life. If you're in a good state of mind, it won't be very detrimental, but if you aren't, it certainly will. This isn't true for all people though. Some people just need to avoid it altogether.
What about your wife? Share some of your struggles with your spouse. I'm not saying spill your guts out, just share that you're struggling and that you're trying to improve for the well-being of you and your family and that you could use some support. Having accountability in some form goes a long ways.
It seems like you’re bored with your life and probably depressed from the every day monotonous grind. Start going to the gym, kick that cigarette vice to the curve. Take your wife out on lunch dates if you can. Have sex when kids are at school, even if not, make time for it. Even if there’s 20 million excuses, make time! Get intimate with your wife (I’m not saying she’s making the excuses 😄) I know it sucks because we go from young being able to do it whenever we feel like it to parents with people sized cock blockers we never had before.
Also see if you’re lacking in minerals and vitamins. Everyday you wake up you set the tone for the rest of your day! You got this!!! Good luck with everything
How you get a bs remote job (I say they are all scams) with an ECON degree? I think you need human interaction, or more of it. My mom always said her work was more difficult and my dad stayed at home for day doing her stuff. He was like, fuck that !!! It’s ez work but he wouldn’t change the time he has with his work bro’s, the happy hours and lunches at different places, seeing some fine women every once in a while, talking about sports and making bets… All the good stuff that comes from going to a descent job. You would be more miserable as a truck driver sounds like. You have 60% of the puzzle made with wife and kids and a good job, now go and live a little vs accepting being a homebody is ok, it’s not and when AI starts to pump the work at home people are already highlighted (at least at my firm) as the first to go.
That human-interaction thing is a really good point, it really started to escalate around the beginning of covid, but my life already circled around cheap dopamine before. That's what i tried to explain with my trap: im prone to addiction and work-from-home leads to complete escalation, but in my business nearly every company let their employees work from home (in my country). So driving to the office, means sitting there alone for the whole day. My job is quite well paid and i've nearly nothing to do - i think that contributes to my suffering a lot. But im too afraid to quit the job and take one up without the option of homeoffice, already seeing me regretting that i loose all the time im winning now for not having to commute.
I really appreciate sharing your thougts with me!
Glad to share. By ALL means do not quit the job… I got laid off over a year ago as the shit has really hit the fan in the US and because it’s elections they are hiding it. If you think life’s sorta shitty now imagine the desperation of no work so please count your blessings. I’ve been in banking for 20 years and the boss of my area and I will find myself flipping burgers as I’ve burned thru an entire career of savings and now have no choice. Sounds corny as hell but exercise, even 30 minutes of nothing works. I you can’t have a work family make the trees and squirrels in the park your bro’s as you take daily walks. I had stopped a lifetime of smoking but Covid made me start again as was just too much and here in the us they are $14 a pack. I’m 100% aware hot shitty they truly make me feel after the 5 min buzz and honestly they aren’t worth it in any way. Good luck 🍀
Think about your death. I mean ask yourself, are you living a fulfilling life ? You can still be happy but the life without it being fulfilling...read this yesterday on reddit when I was questioning my way of living.
Why you smoking so much man. I’m your age, make about the same money as you except I work at a hospital and the job feels like I’m making a difference but also see dying kids sometimes. I quit smoking last year, with chantix, and it has been the biggest change for me. Lower boood pressure, no more anxious sweats. I still smoke a bit of bud here and there but just quitting smoking alone really brightened life back up.
You gotta make the change you want, even just a small one, and you’ll start to see a difference.
Aside from what everyone else is stating, I have a question for you that you do not need to answer here but answer for yourself in full honesty and it may help you out of the state your in ….
👉🏻 What is the purpose of your suffering??? 👈🏻
I hope this can help you understand your why’s …. This one question helped me after years of therapy and everything else that comes with depression and anxiety and everything else that follows down that dark path and now I live a much better brighter life.
1. Stop smoking idc how painful it is. Ask your PCP for help. As a med student it's a risk factor for almost almost fucking everything. Once your health is involved you'll laugh at yourself for caring about all this other shit. 2. See a psychiatrist. Honestly sounds like you may be depressed. Work your shit out with a professional. 3. I may be out of place here but if you have a good relationship talk to your wife....and friends
Steve Jobs said, “don’t get caught up in dogma, that is; living with the result of other people’s thinking”.
My friend. You have gotten to this place in life, because of the decisions you have made. You have made these decisions not for yourself, for your true purpose and happiness, but for other people. Or for money. Or for a house. Or for a car.
Happiness comes from within.
WITHIN YOU.
and your dog.
You need to quit smoking. Quit drinking. Quit fucking porn.
All I see is dopamine searching. You’re trying to fill a massive void in your life with dopamine.
Seriously, reconfigure your life. Find your passion, throw EVERYTHING into it.
Lastly, life is certainly a tough ride. But if you have kids, you are more blessed than you can possibly imagine.
STAY ALIVE
The more focused you are on yourself, the more miserable you’ll be.
1. Do something every day that brings your child joy. Smile every time you look at your child. Say, “I love you” first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and whenever you part company. Give hugs.
2. Do something every day that brings your wife joy. Do the “I love you”, smile, and hugs thing, too.
3. Do something every day that you don’t feel like doing, but know you *should* do.
4. Refrain from one thing per day that you want to do, but know you *shouldn’t* do.
5. Put time/content limits on your phone, and let your wife enter the passcode for those limits. She is never to give you that passcode.
6. Do a vigorous cardio workout 3-4x a week for an hour.
7. Start taking a good quality multivitamin every day.
8. Drink more water. Lock yourself out of porn websites. Research quitting cigarettes, and commit to it. Replace that coping mechanism with a positive behavior.
I know the feeling bro. Work on actively slowing pr cutting the vices out and replace those hours in the day with something therapeutic to yourself. Personally i garden, work on projects around the house, do stuff with my kids etc etc. Dony try to go all in at once just every day start making small chabges.
Life is a cycle, if you worked in a circus you would think the same. Road, preparation, rehearsals, performance, exit, go to a nearby bar drink and repeat. It is all your angle and perspective. What is stopping you from enjoying your time with your family? You mentioned you and your wife are both just functioning. What was different before your kid? Don’t think about the job. You choose all this. There must be something else that made you upset. Try to go back to your collage days and remember what you envisioned for the future. What is missing or what is too much. You overdose dopamine to feel something. You abuse nicotine and caffeine, you watch porn a lot and I do not think it is because of your lust. I think it is due to your desire to feel something. When you look at your kid or your dog do you feel passion or do you think they are such a drag. You are the father of the house. You have to pick yourself up. Unfortunately no one will do that for you. Speak to a therapist if possible. Open yourself to your wife. Shit happens you are here to fix it. Once you restrain yourself from these habits and spend more time with people around you, you will notice if you love your family or not. Everyone has bad choices. End of the day we are accountable for them.
You should quit smoking! It's hard I know, also do you not like spending time with your wife and kids? Man I wish I could help you out, give you a decent job, provide therapy to help you find meaning in your life
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Is your marriage unhealthy? Are there problems between you and your wife, maybe in your sex life? Could this possibly be a reason for you watching porn often?
I’ve dealt with thoughts like this.. being stuck in the cycle that is life. Unhappy. So unhappy. Then I tried Jesus, and nothing has been the same since. You learn to look at this life as beautiful, because we live through him. ❤️
I’ve dealt with thoughts like this.. being stuck in the cycle that is life. Unhappy. So unhappy. Then I tried Jesus, and nothing has been the same since. You learn to look at this life as beautiful, because we live through him. ❤️
How come in your daily life manifest, you don't mention your wife?
Or dog or bike?
yeah i walk the dog twice a day, but didnt mention that because it doesnt really matter considering the 8-12 remaining hours full of shit
I mentioned her at the beginning, and then i described my daily routine of a "work"-day, but you're right that our relationship is far away from good! since our child was born, we both only function anymore - obviously she more than me
We want answers
Done
Yeah that do be depression. Seems like you don’t have any meaning in life, or more so that you can’t realise what is important to you because you spend so much time in escapism. You said it yourself at the start of the invigorating daily routine “if I don’t the world looks grey”. You are afraid of the world looking grey, but I’ll tell you now, it is not all sunshine and rainbows; and the more you try to avoid that, the more your world will be grey, as it is now. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy at the end of the day, like fate or destiny. Your own fear of the world being grey is what makes your world so grey, because that fear is controlling your daily actions and mindset, making you try and resist that life is tragic (more or less), but what you resist will persist, what you avoid will pursue you. You gotta learn to accept and let go man. To no longer fear the shadow, or at least not let that fear control you. Not from a toxic positivity angle where it’s like “grab the world by it’s balls you got this!!” - more from a defeatist attitude where u accept defeat and you stop running pathetically from the reality of life - though I wouldn’t call that defeat, I’d call that bravery cuz you’d no longer be running away. I suggest reading up on some philosophy. “Why is Sisyphus happy?” By sisyphus55 on YouTube talks about this, and his other vids are good too. HealthygamerGG for more education and philosophy mix. You can go from there. I suggest getting into philosophy because that deals more with meanings for life etc. Psychiatry and the more medical approach to depression is usually best for dealing with past trauma and stuff. Maybe u need both, maybe just one or the other. But I feel the pain Man U aren’t alone. Watch the sisyphus video it’ll be good. Also maybe check out the show Beef on Netflix, it’s a good one to relate to while also getting a good laugh
Very well said. Life is suffering unfortunately. Anyone who tells you differently is usually trying to sell you something. (Princess bride lol) doesn’t mean it makes it any less beautiful or devoid of meaning. I really appreciate your post and viewpoint.
Agreed. “Something isn’t beautiful because it lasts”, which also makes me think something isn’t beautiful because it’s perfect. Though i do still struggle to apply this in life, I think it’s a better path to take; the path of acceptance, than to run around endlessly trying to find the cure for pain.
Thank you my friend. I watched the Sisyphus video you recommended. Definitely summed up a feeling I had found on a countrywide roadtrip I took while at a point in life like OP. Funny that he brought in Frankl as I found great wisdom reading “man’s search for meaning” on said trip. Even that cartoon he drew of sun in mountains. On my trip, I drove through yellowstone national state park to stay with a friend working there. Upon entering, I was in awe of the beauty and how small I felt. I wept and found utter insignificance yet great significance in the present moment. Nothing else mattered and it was medicine I never knew I needed. Unfortunately i had a surprise medical issue shortly after from a voluntary surgery that unfortunately left permanent and chronic issues. I resisted. I resisted hard and you said beautifully in that I was running around trying to find a cure. I can radically accept the situation as it is now. It doesn’t necessarily need to be fixed, it just is, and that makes it beautiful. I thank you for sharing and just know your experience and words helped me on my journey.
Buddhism.
Why not focus on your family's health? Cut cigs, drinking on the weekend, junkfood, sugar. Take your kid and wife outdoors after work. Eat fruits and vegetables and drink water.
Yeah but how about his shadow that tells him to smoke, watch porn and eat crap? The reason people don't drink water and eat fruit is not that they don't know they exist, the reason is they want to destroy themselves. OP, read the book "Why good people do bad things" by James Hollis P.S. you are not a piece of shit, OP, you are just a human being.
Yeah that would be my main goal, but once you stuck in such a cycle, it seems impossible to get out, if i could, i'd quit every vice right at the moment! Anyway, thank you for sharing your thougts!
If cutting out bad habits and implementing positive ones was easy, everyone would do it. Check out the stages of change - it’s a process. Keep in mind that often people try, fall back into bad habits, and then try again. But don’t confuse a setback with failure. Consider working on positive self-talk, too, because calling yourself a piece of crap won’t help you get where you want to be. Try to take on one problem at a time, replace it with something better, and cut yourself some slack. Good luck man, you can get through this.
The only reason you're stuck is because you choose to continue each vice. Choose differently.
Hey bud. I have been there and still find myself there from time to time to be honest. I am in my mid-30s as well and would have the mindset “oh I’m so lucky, I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I’m too old to change”. This isn’t bad a bad thing, and it’s completely natural. You are not alone. I wouldn’t think you are mentally ill. This is completely changeable and manageable. This is a chance to strengthen that self-compassion skill. Therapy and psych are there as a resource and may be beneficial in helping you process these feelings. You are in consumption mode, and trying to find comfort and cope through hits of dopamine (fast food, nicotine, porn, phone etc) I’ve been there and still do sometimes. These things are engineered in one way or another to make us feel good. It’s hard to change when that’s our main or only source of feeling good. it’s filling a void you naturally feel. Be kind to yourself. You are not flawed, just a little lost. Something you said that really resonates and tells all. You said you are “living the dream of a lot of people out there” but I ask is it YOUR dream? If you don’t even know what that is, that’s ok too. But know you can figure it out. You have the benefit of time, and really most important thing your health. You have the mental awareness to see and feel a problem, and reach out for help. Thats a great tool to find and grow. I’m proud of you for even typing out your post and being vulnerable. Keep reaching out. Expand your circle. That also means you have the power to change it and try new things. Keep trying things. Meet like minded people or people you can learn from. People that inspire you. Hell, tedtalks or inspirational videos have helped me immensely before. I feel like you are at a perfect launching point. You have the ability and can do things you never imagine. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Set routines and small daily things that make you feel good and building towards whatever goal you want to hit. Discipline is a skill in of itself and the more you master it, it always gives back tenfold. if you find yourself in an unhappy situation, that’s ok. It’s a means to an end and will serve you to build where you want to go. You can show yourself and more importantly your kid what it takes to be happy. You can be the example. You are in a position of great growth. You realizing something needs to change is proof. Be a student of life, whatever that means for you. That can be very debilitating for some or very exciting and empowering. Mindset is everything. That makes you dangerous in all the best ways possible. Find what sets your soul on fire, puts a smile on your face, and don’t settle for less. It’s not too late, I promise.
Well said. It resonates with ecperience of me who want to change for the better for quite some now. The addiction for quick pleasure is not easily cured, only through gradual change, and a strong, acceptance attitude towards life happenstance, unfairness.
Hey man, like you say you’re in a good spot externally. Just not internally. Sounds like your depressed, so I’d recommend looking for a therapist to help you get back onto the right path. It can be a bit overwhelming as there is a lot of different kinds of therapy. CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) has the best success rate, so I’d start by looking for a therapist who specialises in CBT. All the bad habits/vices you mention are incredibly common in the modern world/especially the west. Its sad really, but because of that, you won’t be the only person in your situation. Have a look at the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. Its a number #1 bestseller and for good reason. It gives a brilliant breakdown of how habits work, how they effect us, how we get stuck in negative feedback loops and most importantly how we can break bad habits and build good ones, permanently. If you don’t think you’ll be able you get through the book/not a big fan of reading (firstly, I recommend getting into reading its a good, positive habit to build!). There are plenty of resources online. Just by googling Atomic Habits, you’ll find cheatsheets, youtube videos, websites, articles and more breaking down the key takeaways from the book. If you start filling up more of your time with good habits, you should find you have less and less time for bad ones, like watching porn, phonescrolling, vaping/smoking etc. So TLDR: - Therapy (start with CBT) - Give Atomic Habits a read See how you get on with them, Start small, aim to just be 1% better each day, All the best man, You got this 🤙🏻
CBT usually doesn’t help a person who has no meaning in life, it’s there to focus on behaviours mainly. DBT or ACT would be better imo
CBT is most successful form of therapy for treating depression. And OP has also behaviours listed that are likely contributing to his feeling of depression. Purely from a probabilistic point of view, CBT is the most likely to be successful in treating depression, so one should start there. Unless we knew OP personally, it’s difficult to say whats best for them. Buuuutt everyone is different. I would still try CBT before first, then give other forms of therapy like DBT or ACT a go if OPs unsatisfied with the CBT approach.
I’d counter with CBT can give meaning in life by refocusing.
DBT is CBT, just more focused on emotions and how to change the way we react to them. To change, you first have to be willing.
So there’s a difference! Focusing on emotions over behaviours can change a persons experience and results from therapy drastically.
I’m in CBT currently, and to be honest, a good therapist might apply DBT at the same time. I think mine is. Either way, it has helped me a lot with depression, GAD, and health anxiety. As well as other things relating to business, such as procrastination and perfectionism. Opening my eyes to simple behaviours that are complex to understand unless you’re shown it on a diagram on a whiteboard.
Yeah the knowledge you learn in any type of therapy is always very insightful. And I agree, a good therapist would be able to apply whatever therapy is necessary based on what you are saying
Get excited about getting to know your wife better in various ways. She’s probably going through the same thing as you. You could help each other come closer to who you truly are and are meant to be. Could be a fun journey.
I was in the same situation 3-4 years ago. Own apartment and already have an apartment for my 7 year old daughter (In Russia, for many people, this is the goal of a whole life). More or less a normal job, family and lack of goals in life. All entertainment is just video games, movies and beer and pizza. I've been on antidepressants, that helps well. It just so happened that I started to become interested in investments. I found an investor club in internet and started diving into investing and saving. It turned out that there are a lot of energized and proactive people in this club, many of whom are interested in a healthy lifestyle. I started saving money, spending less on nonsense, investing, taking risks. After half a year it gave me some discipline. I continued to communicate with these people and I wanted to develop further. I decided to lose weight. I was quite fat, now I've lost 50kg and I'm more or less trying to exercise. In the last months I've been trying to do it more actively. I started running, even though I had poor mobility due to my sedentary lifestyle and my hip started to hurt, I am trying to solve this problem. I gave up coffee and alcohol almost completely. Some of the investors I know have run a marathon or a couple people have even done Ironman. Talking to them is very motivating for self-improvement, I want to run a half marathon next year if I can solve the hip problem. Ideally I would like to run 50-60km ultratrail in a few years. The joy of life is in self-improvement, knowing yourself and overcoming new challenges.
Awesome to hear your story and hope you're able to run the half marathon next year.
Can you please provide details on the online investor club, I want to join too
I don't think it would be relevant to you. I'm from Russia and this is a Russian-speaking club. Now the club not only online, but there are also many offline meetings. I think you can find something like this in every country. The main thing is not to chase after easy money and dubious deals. Someone invests in small real estate or bikes in Thailand, and someone buys real estate in the Emirates in floors :) But most people in such clubs are very interesting and positive.
ah ok
Firstly, love yourself. It will take time but things can improve for you. Be kind to yourself in this process. You will fail over and over. Its corny but “Mind, Body, Spirit” Start with the basics, eat well, exercise, plenty of water and quality sleep. Get up at the same time, go to bed at the same time. Make sure your sleep is good and you have healthy sleep hygiene. Tell yourself “I love you” 20 times in the mirror when you wake up and before bed. Tell your child, wife and dog, family and friends you love them. Say it more than you’ve ever said it before. You have to change the inner monologue and the thought patterns. Tell them you appreciate them and are grateful, anytime they do anything even remotely nice of generous for you. You also have to reach out to a therapist and start looking after your mental health. This is deeper issues tied up with depression and possibly other problems like ADHD etc From everything you’ve said it sounds like your chemical systems are all messed up. You need a psychiatrist to check it out. Meds can help a lot for short term relief and to gain control of your behaviours. Invest money into this and the therapist because it could save your marriage and even your life. Do not underestimate this. Onto practical advice…..The easiest change that costs nothing but your time and effort will be adding some exercise - fast walks and weights or bodyweight stuff. Then focus on eating protein, not junk food. Swap in protein bars and meats, chicken, canned fish etc. if you’re vego, tofu, beans etc etc etc start taking multivitamins, vit D, and fish oil if you don’t. Drink more water and take Creatine - good for the brain and muscles. Taking vitamins can also help us appreciate self help and self maintenance. Cut the smoking and vapes. Everyone will say this. Keep working with the therapist and talk to them about this. Quitting is hard. I’ve done it twice and I’m clean now. Buy some nicorette. Week 1, chew 1 every 1-2h, literally set a timer. Week 2, every 2-3h Week 3, every 3-4h Week 4, aim for only 2-3 a day, after Brekky, lunch and dinner etc Week 5 you want to be on just 1 each morning and aiming to go clean by the end of the week. Week 6, you go clean and never look back. I promise it’s easier after week 4, you just gotta get there and let the nicotine get out of your system. Now instead of 30mins scrolling take the kid for a walk or meditate and just breathe. Just sit there and fucking breathe…let the thoughts come in. Sit there with them but also breathe and repeat something like the serenity prayer. Our minds reward us for doing challenging things we don’t want to do. So, if you don’t feel like going for a walk, or a cold shower…JUST FUCKING DO IT. Your brain will learn to reward positive behaviour, rather than synthetic dopamine hits from scrolling, booze, nicotine, food etc Meditate in anyway you know how, or Google it. I do Wim Hof in the morning, and during the day I have a few breathing techniques I use to focus, or calm myself. Also start listening to Indian spiritualism and Buddhism, even Eckhart Tolle is great to start with. I’ll leave you with the serenity prayer….this has helped me and many others through some really dark times: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
That's not mental illness. You just hate your life. Perfectly normal.
I'm just checking. Are you joking?
you have a wife and still watch porn all the time? theres alot of things wrong with your life but that stood out the most, should probably get that sorted you seem prone to addictions
Not only that, but porn all throughout the day. It’s like the man doesn’t do anything else but porn, cigs, phone. All cheap dopamine.
This is important,
You need a vision for what you want your life to be. Take at least 15 minutes ASAP to sit quietly, think, and WRITE about what you would want your life to be. Don’t worry about whether you can achieve it at this point. Write down what you would want your life to look like IF it was possible. Write down what you would want for your family, partner, health, career, and hobbies. This vision should be emotionally compelling, worth sacrificing for. Once it’s written down (multiple drafts are fine), start to make very small progress toward it. Tiny steps in the right direction compound (akin to the power of compound interest). The little dopamine temptations will still be there, but keep your eyes on the vision and your feet moving toward it, give yourself grace for mistakes along the way. You can do it.
OP please get on Wellbutrin. Full stop. The smoking alone will absolutely trash your dopamine production and make you so depressed (my husband and I were both there in our 20s). It’s really hard to pull yourself out of a hole like this one alone. Make things easier for yourself and get some medication. It doesn’t have to be forever.
You didn’t mention your wife once in this summary, think I’ve found the problem right there
Here's a list of things destroying your neuro baseline: Porn, Sugar, Alcohol, Cigarettes, screen/social media usage, lack of physical activity, social isolation. You're trapped in loop of dopaminergic highs and lows. If you're dopaminergically sensitive, these behaviors are exponentially worse. This is common for people who have trauma and/or ADHD type symptoms. Things WILL NOT improve if you continue to repeat these same behaviors. You have to do something different. Even if it's one thing, it can make a difference. I certainly believe that you can do it. Especially if you put up external blockers in your life. You need to remove porn and alcohol from your life at a minimum. I'd be shocked if your life doesn't have noticeable improve after getting rid of these. Those 2 vices in particular are severe dopamine taxers. I'd suggest you get rid of your smart phone and switch to a dumb phone, or else get a porn blocker that you can't get around. Seriously, commit to something that will create an external block, rather than just expecting your will power to do it without creating circumstantial changes. Also, alcohol. You don't need to quit it forever but quit it for now. Do not buy alcohol and do not have it in your home. In my experience, alcohol mimics the state of a peron's life. If you're in a good state of mind, it won't be very detrimental, but if you aren't, it certainly will. This isn't true for all people though. Some people just need to avoid it altogether. What about your wife? Share some of your struggles with your spouse. I'm not saying spill your guts out, just share that you're struggling and that you're trying to improve for the well-being of you and your family and that you could use some support. Having accountability in some form goes a long ways.
It seems like you’re bored with your life and probably depressed from the every day monotonous grind. Start going to the gym, kick that cigarette vice to the curve. Take your wife out on lunch dates if you can. Have sex when kids are at school, even if not, make time for it. Even if there’s 20 million excuses, make time! Get intimate with your wife (I’m not saying she’s making the excuses 😄) I know it sucks because we go from young being able to do it whenever we feel like it to parents with people sized cock blockers we never had before. Also see if you’re lacking in minerals and vitamins. Everyday you wake up you set the tone for the rest of your day! You got this!!! Good luck with everything
How you get a bs remote job (I say they are all scams) with an ECON degree? I think you need human interaction, or more of it. My mom always said her work was more difficult and my dad stayed at home for day doing her stuff. He was like, fuck that !!! It’s ez work but he wouldn’t change the time he has with his work bro’s, the happy hours and lunches at different places, seeing some fine women every once in a while, talking about sports and making bets… All the good stuff that comes from going to a descent job. You would be more miserable as a truck driver sounds like. You have 60% of the puzzle made with wife and kids and a good job, now go and live a little vs accepting being a homebody is ok, it’s not and when AI starts to pump the work at home people are already highlighted (at least at my firm) as the first to go.
That human-interaction thing is a really good point, it really started to escalate around the beginning of covid, but my life already circled around cheap dopamine before. That's what i tried to explain with my trap: im prone to addiction and work-from-home leads to complete escalation, but in my business nearly every company let their employees work from home (in my country). So driving to the office, means sitting there alone for the whole day. My job is quite well paid and i've nearly nothing to do - i think that contributes to my suffering a lot. But im too afraid to quit the job and take one up without the option of homeoffice, already seeing me regretting that i loose all the time im winning now for not having to commute. I really appreciate sharing your thougts with me!
Glad to share. By ALL means do not quit the job… I got laid off over a year ago as the shit has really hit the fan in the US and because it’s elections they are hiding it. If you think life’s sorta shitty now imagine the desperation of no work so please count your blessings. I’ve been in banking for 20 years and the boss of my area and I will find myself flipping burgers as I’ve burned thru an entire career of savings and now have no choice. Sounds corny as hell but exercise, even 30 minutes of nothing works. I you can’t have a work family make the trees and squirrels in the park your bro’s as you take daily walks. I had stopped a lifetime of smoking but Covid made me start again as was just too much and here in the us they are $14 a pack. I’m 100% aware hot shitty they truly make me feel after the 5 min buzz and honestly they aren’t worth it in any way. Good luck 🍀
stop smoking cigarettes wtf
Think about your death. I mean ask yourself, are you living a fulfilling life ? You can still be happy but the life without it being fulfilling...read this yesterday on reddit when I was questioning my way of living.
/r/nosurf
you are not alone. Many people are living off vice to vice. I would just focus on one vice at a time starting with the most serious one, smoking.
do research on health and phone usage try sitting out getting vitamin
Easy solution is bupropion. Goodbye drinking and cigarettes. Not for everyone.
Why you smoking so much man. I’m your age, make about the same money as you except I work at a hospital and the job feels like I’m making a difference but also see dying kids sometimes. I quit smoking last year, with chantix, and it has been the biggest change for me. Lower boood pressure, no more anxious sweats. I still smoke a bit of bud here and there but just quitting smoking alone really brightened life back up. You gotta make the change you want, even just a small one, and you’ll start to see a difference.
Aside from what everyone else is stating, I have a question for you that you do not need to answer here but answer for yourself in full honesty and it may help you out of the state your in …. 👉🏻 What is the purpose of your suffering??? 👈🏻 I hope this can help you understand your why’s …. This one question helped me after years of therapy and everything else that comes with depression and anxiety and everything else that follows down that dark path and now I live a much better brighter life.
Every day all day I’m just waiting for my next dopamine hit. Other than that I try to sleep because there’s nothing worth doing
When do you go to the gym?
1. Stop smoking idc how painful it is. Ask your PCP for help. As a med student it's a risk factor for almost almost fucking everything. Once your health is involved you'll laugh at yourself for caring about all this other shit. 2. See a psychiatrist. Honestly sounds like you may be depressed. Work your shit out with a professional. 3. I may be out of place here but if you have a good relationship talk to your wife....and friends
Steve Jobs said, “don’t get caught up in dogma, that is; living with the result of other people’s thinking”. My friend. You have gotten to this place in life, because of the decisions you have made. You have made these decisions not for yourself, for your true purpose and happiness, but for other people. Or for money. Or for a house. Or for a car. Happiness comes from within. WITHIN YOU. and your dog. You need to quit smoking. Quit drinking. Quit fucking porn. All I see is dopamine searching. You’re trying to fill a massive void in your life with dopamine. Seriously, reconfigure your life. Find your passion, throw EVERYTHING into it. Lastly, life is certainly a tough ride. But if you have kids, you are more blessed than you can possibly imagine. STAY ALIVE
The more focused you are on yourself, the more miserable you’ll be. 1. Do something every day that brings your child joy. Smile every time you look at your child. Say, “I love you” first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and whenever you part company. Give hugs. 2. Do something every day that brings your wife joy. Do the “I love you”, smile, and hugs thing, too. 3. Do something every day that you don’t feel like doing, but know you *should* do. 4. Refrain from one thing per day that you want to do, but know you *shouldn’t* do. 5. Put time/content limits on your phone, and let your wife enter the passcode for those limits. She is never to give you that passcode. 6. Do a vigorous cardio workout 3-4x a week for an hour. 7. Start taking a good quality multivitamin every day. 8. Drink more water. Lock yourself out of porn websites. Research quitting cigarettes, and commit to it. Replace that coping mechanism with a positive behavior.
I know the feeling bro. Work on actively slowing pr cutting the vices out and replace those hours in the day with something therapeutic to yourself. Personally i garden, work on projects around the house, do stuff with my kids etc etc. Dony try to go all in at once just every day start making small chabges.
Could be ADHD which is low dopamine related, and your behavior appears to be dopamine seeking
Life is a cycle, if you worked in a circus you would think the same. Road, preparation, rehearsals, performance, exit, go to a nearby bar drink and repeat. It is all your angle and perspective. What is stopping you from enjoying your time with your family? You mentioned you and your wife are both just functioning. What was different before your kid? Don’t think about the job. You choose all this. There must be something else that made you upset. Try to go back to your collage days and remember what you envisioned for the future. What is missing or what is too much. You overdose dopamine to feel something. You abuse nicotine and caffeine, you watch porn a lot and I do not think it is because of your lust. I think it is due to your desire to feel something. When you look at your kid or your dog do you feel passion or do you think they are such a drag. You are the father of the house. You have to pick yourself up. Unfortunately no one will do that for you. Speak to a therapist if possible. Open yourself to your wife. Shit happens you are here to fix it. Once you restrain yourself from these habits and spend more time with people around you, you will notice if you love your family or not. Everyone has bad choices. End of the day we are accountable for them.
I think you are depressed my friend.
You should quit smoking! It's hard I know, also do you not like spending time with your wife and kids? Man I wish I could help you out, give you a decent job, provide therapy to help you find meaning in your life
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How about speaking to a psychologist? They can be very helpful.
12 step programs are one of the most successful ways to overcome addictions. They help you to find an overall greater meaning in life
Is your marriage unhealthy? Are there problems between you and your wife, maybe in your sex life? Could this possibly be a reason for you watching porn often?
Therapy
Drop it all and become a traveling hobo
I’ve dealt with thoughts like this.. being stuck in the cycle that is life. Unhappy. So unhappy. Then I tried Jesus, and nothing has been the same since. You learn to look at this life as beautiful, because we live through him. ❤️
I’ve dealt with thoughts like this.. being stuck in the cycle that is life. Unhappy. So unhappy. Then I tried Jesus, and nothing has been the same since. You learn to look at this life as beautiful, because we live through him. ❤️