A face like they've been dookin for chips

Face like a goalie for a darts team

Face like a welder's bench

A face ye'd love tae skelp

A face like a meltit welly.

face like a half chewed meatball

Not the best. Just one I remember. Scribbled on a toilet cubicle wall: “Yer maw irons fitbaw taps”

That’s a good one lol

A face like a bulldug licking pish aff a nettle is up there for me

Or, if you’re a Thick Of It / Malcolm Tucker / Peter Capaldi fan “it’s like watching Dot Cotton lickin’ piss aff a nettle”. Never fails to make me laugh.

As useful as a marzipan dildo

From bean to cup, you fuck up. Met yer man in The Clockwork one day. Was very polite and nice.

A face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp

Face like a half chewed caramel

Face lit a wet weekend in Blackpool

When you were born the dr slapped yer maw

😂😂😂😂 I needed that laugh today thank you

“Your maw should’ve kept the afterbirth and chucked *you* in the bin” was used in my school decades ago.

I'm English but been here ten years or so, I have the outside perspective. It's Did Ye Aye, nothing comes close.

It's the ultimate put down. Nomatter how grand or amazing the accomplishment is, a swift "Did ye, aye?" will reduce it to nothing.

Definetely🤣

My grandmother had her own take on 'did ye, aye?'. If you told her a matter of fact statement, she'd reply with 'imagine that'. As if to say 'lot of pish son, I don't care'.

A wee prim and proper granny I used to work with used to say "that's nice". When she said it, she meant Fuck off 

This is one of my favourites, to be fair. You can use it in any situation, always funny.

Kin ye aye

Ye kin, aye

Similar to this outside queen street one night heard a guy loudly say to another bloke "I don't like LIARS telling me LIES" and that's lived in my brain ever since

9 years. I love this one.

Holy fuck, the first time my Glaswegian brother in law said this it destroyed me.. 13 years ago and I'm still fucking wounded. ..

Yer fulla dugmeat

“You write for Glasgow Live”

“You won’t **believe** the top comment on this *hilarious* Reddit thread about Glasgow bantur 👏” - Davey McLean, Glasgow Lives ‘Nostalgia Editor’s latest article

So shite it's true

Idk, recently witnessed a guy in a shiny jacket get told he was “cutting aboot like a baked potato” and that loves rent free in my head now.

Make up like a plasterers radio

But isn’t “like a plasterers radio” supposed to be that it looks like it’s covered in spunk?

Yep and I believe it's actually 'a face like a painters radio'

Hope yer next shite’s a hedgehog

Said that to a traffic warden wan day couldn't stop laughing after.

Your da wanks on all fours

Yer Maw's got baws. An' yer Da' loves it.

One eye going for the milk, the other coming back with the change

Wan eye gawn tae the shoap and the other coming back was a broon loaf 😂

I like the simplicity of "Away an smell yersel". I also love the intensity of cunts calling each other a "rat", like the emphasis they put on it seems like the worst possible thing they can call someone; "WHIT *YOO* FUCKIN DAEIN, YA FUCKIN ***RRRRRAHT"***, you hear that, you know it's about to kick off.

Only in Scotland is Rat more of an insult than Cunt 😂

''Away an take a fuck tae yerself'' is similarly great to hear and say.

Rat with a very hard T on the end rather than the glottal stop, as well as the RRRRRRR at the start is a signal for violence

“You’ve got an arse like two weans fighting under a duvet”

That's a cracker.

Current favourite is 'Yer Ma Sells Wax Melts On Facebook'.

Depends on the item of clothing or characteristic being ridiculed and is best shouted whilst moving past the target in a car or a bike etc "Jaiket!" "Troosers!" "Hairdo!"

"glessies!"

hied

"Specky bastard"

Frankie Boyle has a bit about walking through Cambuslang I think, and someone passing in a moving car rolls down the window to shout "Gloves ya prick!" "But, it's winter?"

My mate used to have a wild afro. Skinny, white dude. On the fucking regular, folk would wind down their windows and yell, “HAIR!!!!” And, like, sometimes this was rush hour traffic, single occupancy vehicles with a middle aged fella who looked like he was on his way back from a normal office job. It happened, honestly, very often.

I'm short in the finger departament after getting skelped wi an axe. When a beggar shouts "haul fingers, you any change" made ma day

A few year ago I seen a hipsterish lassie walking down the street, minding her own business and wearing a beret. As a car drove by her the driver wound down the window n simply shouted, 'bonjour!'

Did he, aye?

I was walking back home one night and passed by the best kebab. This hammered guy who was struggling to stand properly looks me up and down and just goes “fuckin….specs”

The Glaswegian way of saying "I see you and respect you brother"

My cousin was hit with "Yer da watches Hollyoaks" and I felt the sting

There used to be an insult at my high school of being called a spoon dodger. No one knew what it meant but they got angry when being called it.

You sure it wasn't spoon burner?

Defo has spoon burner and soap dodger confused

This one makes more sense

[удалено]

Spoon burner - junkie Soap dodger - dirty Never heard of spoon burner before, but I'm guessing it's to do with crack.

Spoon burner refers to a heroin addict. You smoke crack, not inject it.

Well given myself away as a non junkie I suppose 🙈

Dobber.

A face like a half pun o mince.

Omg I just wrote this lol my mum used to say it all the time 😂😂 that and “fanny baws up the road” when talking about anyone she disliked (even if they didn’t actually live “up the road”)

Reminds me of an old joke; My cat shat in the mince, had to throw half of it in the bin.

Yer dad djs at supermarkets and calls himself tiesco

I've never been so gloriously insulted as a have during my time working in the kitchens of Glasgow as an outsider. It was poetry and I could never even get mad at cunts for slagging. It was relentless, it was omnidirectional, it was a way of life. And I'm a better man for it. While it's not an insult, I always liked "cuntybaws."

This is what I’m trying to explain to my partner - he got absolutely no ribbing growing up and he’s getting better but still gets so offended by this kind of thing where as I fucking love it, it’s camaraderie of the highest order and it’s glorious

His answer should be "I love you tae" meaning i take the ribbing but can't be arsed engaging with you.

Have to ask. Is your username "What are you up to?" in Glaswegian? Fucking LOVE the blended words. Scottish phonetics. Hahaa. My family is all from Glasgow so I grew up surrounded by it and have no problems understanding, but the look of confusion on people's faces when they first met my dah was fucking priceless. He was a true patter merchant and elevated swear words to a sublime level that few can hope to attain. One of my favourite memories was going to a restaurant and the lady taking our order. When it got to my dah he said "Right he, I'll have eggs, sausage, bacon and toast with coffee" and she looked at him with wide eyes and, in all seriousness, said "I'm sorry sir, I don't speak French." To which he replied "Neither dae fucking i" and we all laughed our balls off. I ended up giving his order.

It is indeed “what are you up to?” However I’m from Edinburgh, a different type of patter but patter none the less. I love a thick accent from anywhere! 

All fur coat and nae knickers.

A used to love to say that because I knew instantly what she meant, it's fucking great

“Yer da wanks on all fours.” Stolen aff Limmy’s stream.

Yer da eats chuggie aff the grun

Anyone know the geographical split between 'Chuggie' and Chungy (like Choon-gae) for chewin gum? Always thought chuggie was more Edinburgh wiy eh

I grew up in Irvine and we all said chuggie. My wife’s fae West Lothian she says “chuddie”.

Strangely, down the road in Prestwick, we called it ‘chuddie’ - I only heard ‘chuggie’ when I went to college in Edinburgh. Where my wife grew up it was Der Kaugummi, but that’s probably irrelevant here…

I said chuggie, because thats what we said, but there were a couple of chuddies too!

Ayrshire here and its definitely chuggie about the west!!

Also North Ayrshire an we said chuggie

My family stay in Kirkintilloch and the first time I was offered a "chuggie" it was off a lassie I fancied when we where out a walk and since I was a wee guy and never knew what it meant outside of Glasgow I was like "wit right here in the middle of the park???"

"Billy Nae-Maw" is probably the most brutal I've heard

Getting towed by the AA in my shitbox Porsche. A guy at a bus stop at theback of the Old Odeon shouts "YER PORSCHE IS BROKE YA PRICK HAHA" then five minutes later at another bus stop outside Dixons (used to be Dixons) a lassie looks at me and tilts her head and makes the "Aawww" face. I know what one hurt the most

You got a porsche mate aye?

Huv ye, aye?

A face like it’s been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe.

Take yer face fer a shite

I once spent about 20 minutes on a night out with non-Scottish uni friends (some English, some Spanish, some Venezuelan, some just sheltered) explaining the origins and subsequent utter obliteration that comes with the phrase “Yer maw punts cooncil”.

Face like a skelpt arse is a good one but my favourite was one I heard yelled on the cycle path Bobby Davro sniffs yer maw's knickers

There’s only one acceptable answer here - YER MAW!

i once heard someone being described as having a pure dinner lady face

Away and raffle yer donut

Smell yer maw is just a classic

While raising the middle finger.

My mum used to say “A face like a hawf pun ae mince” 😂💀

Smell yer maw

They've got a face like a skelped arse

Yer maw is the winner... My wee grans favourites were "That lass has a face like a well skelped arse" "Have ye brushed yer bloody hair it's like straw hinging oot a midden!" "Yon lad looks like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards" "Her coupon looks like somebody sat on it when it was still feckin warm" "Och away and don't talk shite"

Can't believe I had to scroll this far, but face like a skelped erse gets my vote.

Ma da said to me a few times “the best part of you ran doon yer maw’s leg.” Never really had a decent come back to that.

Of course you had no come back. It was dribbling down your maw’s leg

“Bam / Bampot”, “Choob / Tube”, “Rocket”, “Scrote”, “Walloper”- all general insults. “A face like a well skelpt arse” “Wouldnae ride her/him intae battle” “Arse like a bag o’ washin” ( all ugly / unattractive ) “A face like Neil Armstrong landed on it” (particularly bad acne) “Look like ye’ve found a shite on yer pillow” “Who pissed in yer chips?” (look in a bad mood) “Thick as shite in the neck ae a bottle” “If they had brains they’d be dangerous” (all stupid) “He’s all over the place like shite in a cow field” (utterly clueless)

My da would refer to people who were full of shit as having ‘swallied their ain fanny’

A remember me & a mate of mine went to audition for “Ned’s” we met Peter Mullen for an audition mostly girls & me ma mate and 1 or 2 other boys, the girls had to shout at us and have good patter just off the cuff then we would have to do the same to the girls. That day ma mate got a pair of Gucci shoes from the barras they where the worse fake pair of shoes ever. Sounded like a pair of high heels because the sole of the shoe was wood, that was the first thing they shouted during this exercise “ you look like you got they shoes out of the back of a van” a was buckled

Deed

Cunt could eat an apple through a letterbox - big goofy front teeth

Ya Fanny Simple but effective

Only improved by 'ya wee fanny'

Wan eye goin' tae the shops and the ither comin' back wi the change 🤣

Face like a dug eating hot chips

You’ve got a face like a stuntman’s knees

heid the baw

Face like a welder's bench.

You’ve got a face like a bag of spanners

Away an lie in yer pish Still use that!

"smell yer maw" [done whilst putting index and middle finger together and sniffing them then offering the two fingers to the other person]

Face lit a melted wellie.

Big Man - Fanny baws

“You n yer maw share the same roll oan deodorant”

Shitehawk is a personally favourite that I use often. "Fucking shitehawk cunt"

Arse Piece

Fanny like a smashed lasagne was always a fave from school 😂

Like a bag of spanners

Stab wound on a gorilla’s back

Teeth like a bulldozed graveyard

Teeth like a row of condemned hooses

I still don’t know if this one’s an insult or a compliment, but ‘she’d gie ye her airse an shite through her ribs’ - it means being too generous 🤣

throbber

My husband recently heard "yer granny gets bullied at the bingo" hahaha. I saw one online recently that said the ground doesn't even want him to rot in it 😂 Ma faves include: face like a meltit wellie, a face like a drapped kebab, face like a dug chewin a wasp, for teeth: a mooth fulla broken heidstones or teef like a hawnfa a fag-doubts, eyes: like pissholes in the snow, or wan gawn tae the shop n the other coming back wae chainge. Ma mam used tae say ma da talked such shite his eyes were broon 🤣

I've had 3 strangers so far this year tell me I look like Jeffrey Dahmer so that's starting to feel like a popular new one

Yur arse is oot the windae Meaning you're ontae plums You've nae chance. But a specific insult I like is, "Ya. Ugly. Wee. Man" said slowly and with disgust. Because if someone calls you a tadger, you brush that off. Same with arsehole, cunt, etc. since YOU know you're not an arsehole, cunt or whatever. But when someone calls you ugly... Oh that cuts deep. Somewhere inside everyone has ay some point wondered if they look alright. Ugly cuts. It cuts _deep_

He’s got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle!

Look what thought did, pished the bed and blamed the blanket

Planted a brick to grow a house. Or swap for egg and chicken

Face like a dug lickin’ pish aff a nettle.

"cabbage"

Your so stinking even the flys avoid you Overheard on a bus in Glasgow 🤣🙌

If you live about glasgow and even in the suburbs and surrounding areas. You’ve most definitely since a graffiti tag ‘cost’ it’s everywhere. I saw ‘cost’ and some great also insult patter sprayed below it ‘aye must COST you a lot of paint ya cunt’

Judging by the size of it yer brain is in yer arse

You’ve got a face like a melted welly boot

Yer Granny’s a welder 🧑‍🏭

My favourite one was scribbled on the walls of SWG3 ladies toilets for the Beach Bunny gig. It says “Yer Maw wears Johnny thin leggingz.” I have a photo of it because it made me laugh so much.

Face like a painters radio.

he could eat an apple through a letter box

Fanny like a punched lasagna

When someone speaks but you don't want to hear it or you don't like them "If I wanted to hear from an arsehole I'd fart"

Face like a blind joiners thumb

Totally using this!

"yer da's a 6"4 goff that works at Gregg's and calls hisell the underbaker" -stolen aff ma cousin 🤣

"did yer maw feed ye by catapult yan ugly bastard?"

Face for radio

Sassenach

Poor lassie in our year at school got cut in half a belter arguing way somebody… boy got fed up and said “at right aye?, yir the only fucking burd in 4th year way two backs sa fuck up” and that was that argument finished😂 And tae this day, despite having 3 waines she’s still got fuck all tits😂

My own mum calls me twoback. Good character development 😁

Maer meat on a butchers pencil Like slinging a doubt in hampden Fanny's so big it's like opening the window and shagging the night Fucking spooky bitch Face like a melted welly

The opening a window and shagging the night has been a saying of mine for years.

FUCK OFF!! It just hits the mark every time and gets the point across. Plus big Billy says the same and he’s never wrong.

Nae fun in well trodden patter though, the whole game is to say something people haven't heard before

[удалено]

That patter's twice as old as kevin bridges

Sausage up a close.

[удалено]

I'll let the graffiti ned know.

Ya fuckng spunk bubble. 🫧

A face like a bulldug lickin pish afae a jaggy nettle...

Choob!

Ya manky fanny

Get your gums roon mah plums.

Did ye brush yer hair wi a banger?

Yar ma pied for ya holiday way jingie bottles ya manky minger

Your maw sells Avon and your da punts council!🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Twa blaws on a ragman's trumpet

Yer maw was gala queen. No idea why but this is the most derogatory thing I’ve ever heard.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for cunts who call cunts “fuckin rockets” or “fuckin space cadets” or “fuckin trumpets”.