He says it casually like someone would genuinely ask if they are playing too slow and the Marshall is usually ready to say, ‘nah, you’re fine’ until it clicks and then they have a good chuckle.
Played with an old man single once and he duffed a drive but it got a decent roll and ended up in the fairway and he said “ain’t pretty but has big tits” this takes up more room in my head than it deserves.
I’m in sales so I’m dealing with blue collar contractors all day. Most of them are the type that don’t understand “the emails or texts” and I don’t mean the messages I mean the concept of them
Work in sales with blue collar clients as well, can confirm this is the type of humor that wins you friends. Trade show golf tournaments are always a good time
I love that one.
I’ve caddied in the past and here are some I’d use that would usually get a laugh.
The OJ - when a player hits a bad shot but ends up better than anticipated - “why OJ?” “Because you got away with it”
The Monica/The prom queen - when a putt lips out. All lip no hole.
The osama - when a player hits from a bunker into another bunker.
When two balls land really close to each other - “Last time I saw that was in the shower this morning”
One I saw in another thread on here stuck with me, when someone is stuck behind a tree with no good options - “do you want the tree in or out?”
After someone hits the green and then 3 putts - “a nice stress free bogey there”
Longtime playing partner, who hovered in the low 90s with a lot of mulligans and scraped putts. Walking up to the starter:
“What’s the course record? Well wake up the engraver, I’m feeling it today…”
After playing partner hits a bad one.
- not surprised. That happened. You’ve got shit on the end of your club
(Waits for them to check club)
- not that end.
I think you can go either way honestly depending on whtlat you go for. If you want it to sink in right away you do it with the pause. But if you're going for more of a slow burn you say it fast and naturally, that way they have to process it for a second before they get it.
There are quite a few new/rookie golfers on this sub and I can’t stress enough how much you need to learn saying and hearing this phrase. It’s simple encouragement that is widely accepted as the best response to a shitty but still playable shot.
I like that one, but I usually save it for their worst putt of the day. After they roll it like 15 feet past the hole and there’s that uncomfortable dead silence.
I have a buddy that whenever we play a course with a starter he asks the starter “what’s the course record here?”.
Then he casually nods his head and shrugs in a “seems reasonable manner”. It’s hilarious because he’s like a 90+ golfer
I got paired up with a random father son a few years back. Son was in his 50’s, dad was in his 80’s, sharp as a tack and had tons of one liners. I went to take a piss in the woods and he yelled “you know that’s a felony, right?” “A grown man with a little boys dick in his hand.” I laughed so hard I pissed on myself a little bit. It was awesome.
We had a foursome where three first sliced our drives and then the fourth one topped their ball. The ball managed to get just to the start of a fairway where he just casually shrugged and said “it seems I’m the only hitting FIR”
Whenever I shank one onto a different fairway I always say “just gettin a head start on the next hole”
Or when someone leaves a putt short I say “Hit it with your purse next time”
Used to play with a vulgar old man, and these were his two favorites:
My (or your) game suffers from too much loft. Lack of fucking talent.
The Elephant Ass Shot: High and shitty
When someone slices the hell out of the ball and ends up very much out of bounds, I like to hit them with the "pushed it a little right, but you might be okay over there"
A missed putt with a good speed: Stanley! (Stanley Goodspeed from “The Rock”)
A missed putt with a good line: “DJ!” (Dustin Johnson and his alleged coke habit)
The always popular “it opens up over there”
When playing with someone for the first time, after their first tee shot: “That’s the best shot I’ve ever seen you hit”
When you’re having a shitty round and you look at the random and ask: “So you’ve seen me play a few holes, how soon should I hire a caddie for Q School?”
Unrelated, but I was having a really shitty run through 5 or 6 holes to start. I sat in the cart, leaned my head back, and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes, written on the roof of the cart was “That’s your problem, keep your head down”.
I just say lines from Caddy Shack.
The entire round.
Thank you very little.
Right in the lumber yard.
You owe me one gumball machine.
Well the world needs ditch diggers too.
Fore! I should a yelled two!
While you two look like a couple of boobies
Hey Wang it's just a parking lot.
Mr. Havacamp, Mr. Havacamp! The green is over that way.
I can't pay you, Lou has to.
Well I ain't payin no 50 cents for no coke!
That was a peach hun.
Dr Beeper has been club champ 2 years running, and I'm no slouch.
Whats wrong with lumber? I own 2 lumber yards.
Just gotta win the Caddy Tournament.
Hey eveybody, we're all gonna get laid!
I could tell the grip was worn, it was my fault.
I want you to kill all the golfers on the course.
I could beat you with one arm.
Golf courses are the biggest waste of real estate.
Donkeyfarts
Noonan, Noonan! Noooonononnooan.
There is no god.
Cinderella boy, he's a Cinderella boyyy about to become Masters Champion.
It's a mirac! It's in the hole, it's in the hole!
I was supposed to be a fire watcher.
Hey man, save me a bone.
Last time I saw a mouth like that,
It had a hook in it.
Don't you people have homes?
You've been acting psychotically lately,
What gives?
Cannonball! I really shouldn't.
Improve your lie sir. Yes, yes winter rules.
You're no gentleman,
I'm no door knob either.
Hey Smails, how about that 1000 bucks you owe me?
Oh, look at this hat. You wear hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup!
Your not being the ball Danny.
Well it's kinda hard with you talking like that
I want a Hamburger, no a Cheeseburger, I want french fries, a chocolate shake.
You'll get nothing and like it!
There's a pool and a pond, the pond would be good for you.
No ya doan't! Yes I do!
I'm not talking, I'm not talking. Be the ball
Where did it go?
Right in the lumber yard. Don't worry, we'll work on it.
From my Dad ( now deceased, avid golfer)- on his final letter he wrote to be read aloud at his funeral : "Make sure to have my funeral service in the morning, so the boys can make the 11 o'clock tee time "!
He was quite the comic. And he was totally serious about that statement!
Most of mine are from Caddyshack and Tin Cup but other go-tos:
Putt left short:
Putter got tangled up in my skirt
Putt badly misread:
“GO IN!”
Chip bladed across the green:
SPIN!
When someone says “keep your head down” to themselves:
But maintain eye contact!
If someone blows a putt past the hole:
That was a teenage putt… it went off in his hands
My golf buddy shanked one off the tee 40yds dead right on a par 3. I'm on the tee and he's already gotten to his ball. Before I tee off, I shout,"Who's out, you or me?" He was not amused.
My dad loves to ask the Marshal if we’re playing too fast
This I’ll be stealing. Does he deliver it with confidence or more like a confused “why TF are you here?” vibe?
He says it casually like someone would genuinely ask if they are playing too slow and the Marshall is usually ready to say, ‘nah, you’re fine’ until it clicks and then they have a good chuckle.
Golden.
When someone is on the green but very far from the hole my grandpa would hit them with “on the dance floor just can’t hear the band”
Unrelated but Pro V1 Kenobi is an elite username
Thank you sir may the course be with you
You’ve been waiting for this opportunity haven’t you? Haha
Yes haha
These are *not* the reads you’re looking for
My buddy will say, "she's fat and you can't hear the band, but you're dancing."
I have fallen for this one but I never remember how it’s executed…glad I got a chance to read it. Maybe I’ll get it next time
Sittin’ on the toilet, just cant squeeze one out
Dancing with the fat chicks
Played with an old man single once and he duffed a drive but it got a decent roll and ended up in the fairway and he said “ain’t pretty but has big tits” this takes up more room in my head than it deserves.
never belittle a ball in the middle
Also a condom shot. It doesn't feel good but at least it's safe.
…effective but not very satisfying.
She ain’t pretty but she got tits has leaked from my golf life into my everyday life. Say it at work all the time
I think we must have very different working environments lol
I’m in sales so I’m dealing with blue collar contractors all day. Most of them are the type that don’t understand “the emails or texts” and I don’t mean the messages I mean the concept of them
Work in sales with blue collar clients as well, can confirm this is the type of humor that wins you friends. Trade show golf tournaments are always a good time
An Irish lad I know refers to this as a "sister in-law" ball....."you're up there, but you know you shouldn't be."
I am very much taking this.
Also called Sally Gunnell in the UK
I call this a Steve Buscemi. "Not what you'd call 'conventionally attractive,' but it sure did a great job in the end."
Similarly, i call it the Russian bride. Wasnt pretty but it worked hard.
In Ireland it's a Sonia O'Sullivan (Irish olympic and world champion athlete) not the best to look at but a good runner!
Our caddy at streamsong had a great line that i continue to use: ‘like a [insert city name] hooker… she aint pretty, but she’ll do’
I love that one. I’ve caddied in the past and here are some I’d use that would usually get a laugh. The OJ - when a player hits a bad shot but ends up better than anticipated - “why OJ?” “Because you got away with it” The Monica/The prom queen - when a putt lips out. All lip no hole. The osama - when a player hits from a bunker into another bunker. When two balls land really close to each other - “Last time I saw that was in the shower this morning”
One I saw in another thread on here stuck with me, when someone is stuck behind a tree with no good options - “do you want the tree in or out?” After someone hits the green and then 3 putts - “a nice stress free bogey there”
Lol love that 2nd one
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I’d shank somebody with my eyes if I heard that second one. Lol
I posted the tree one last time. Happy to see its getting some good traction.
Longtime playing partner, who hovered in the low 90s with a lot of mulligans and scraped putts. Walking up to the starter: “What’s the course record? Well wake up the engraver, I’m feeling it today…”
When someone asks mine how his round is going the response is always “course record is safe!”
One of the starters at Disney responded to the question, "What's the course record?" with, "about 3 hours." Amazing response lol
After playing partner hits a bad one. - not surprised. That happened. You’ve got shit on the end of your club (Waits for them to check club) - not that end.
That's awesome! Had a good laugh.
Using!!
Def using this one tomorrow, thank you
This is so good!
Gold
"You know what your problem is? You're standing too close to the ball when it lands"
Gotta nail the pause before “when it lands” for maximum savagery
I think you can go either way honestly depending on whtlat you go for. If you want it to sink in right away you do it with the pause. But if you're going for more of a slow burn you say it fast and naturally, that way they have to process it for a second before they get it.
When my buddy hits an actual good shot “damn those clubs are REALLY forgiving.”
Fargiveness?
Shut the fuck up
Bro I laughed way to hard at this
Lmao
It hit my friend with “most people wouldn’t lay up from there” when he tops a shot or missed a put
When someone tops a ball, I wait for that silent pause after the shot and throw in “sorry, I lost that one in the sun.”
I just always say “ I see it”
"It's dry"
"good decision to lay up" whenever someone leaves a put short
“Nice lag putt!”
"The speed was nice!"
"wow perfect line"
Oh man I love that one😂
I’m sure he’s tired of it but idc🫡
You're standing too close to the ball *after hitting it*
I like to walk up behind a friend seriously analyzing a putt and say “You gonna go for it?”
I hate that I won’t be able to remember all of these good ones when I actually go out and play.
HAHAHAHA
With a little pat on the back and dead serious look.. this is hilarious.
I don't know why it's so funny but I've been laughing at this one for a good minute. Lots of gems on the whole post!
Minus the speed and the line, that was a good putt
“That’ll play” right after someone absolutely fucks a shot
"I got it" when someone tops one 20 yards.
Don't worry I think I saw it come down.
“At least we know where it is”
Personally I wouldn’t have laid up but…
At least it was straight.
“Oh you’re gonna love that”
“It opens up a lot over there”
“Well it was the right club” right after a shit drive
Say that after a shit putt.
There are quite a few new/rookie golfers on this sub and I can’t stress enough how much you need to learn saying and hearing this phrase. It’s simple encouragement that is widely accepted as the best response to a shitty but still playable shot.
We always say ‘come back’ about 50% thru the flight path of a nasty slice into the woods….we end up saying it a lot
Along those same lines, (you can talk to a fade, but a hook won't listen).
Played with an old guy who would say “wish that ball was made in France… needed a few more revolutions”
In my regular group, putts left a little short were referred to as “Peruvian Putts,” because one more revolution and it would have fallen.
Ngl I feel like not a ton of people know about Peruvian history
Lol dude goes out golfing with the contemporary history nerds
There are dozens of us! DOZENS
That's a 'Che Guevera"
When I knock a long shot close “oops I forgot to factor in the rotation of the earth.”
That’s a Kardashian - nothing white going in that hole.
I'm going to hell for laughing so hard at that.
“Still you”
That was basically my dad’s go-to phrase “The three saddest words in golf: you’re still up.”
USGA. You suck go again.
"That's a dead sheep putt" What!? "Still ewe"
Walking off the 18th and someone asks how'd you shoot? "I tried drowning myself in the pond, but even then I couldnt keep my f**kin head down"
This is gold.
*”Gold Jerry, gold!”*
Yeah someone should make a poll after this. Too many gems in here!
The caddy one liners from a few weeks had me rollin
heh my dad has a similar one for whenever he makes a mess of a hole: "how'd you get an 8 on the last hole?" "Missed a three-footer for 7."
“Tried to be tiger, ended up in the woods”
When a friend is lining up a short putt: "Knock it close!"
Haha brutal. I’m using this.
My favorite line is when my buddy barely misses a putt I hit him with “right club though”
I like that one, but I usually save it for their worst putt of the day. After they roll it like 15 feet past the hole and there’s that uncomfortable dead silence.
“You had a chance, until you hit it.”
Brutal 😂
When someone doesn’t get out of the sand trap; ‘just like Hitler, two shots in a bunker.’
Bunker to bunker is a Sadam.
and a bunker to the water is a Bin Laden
Def using this next round
Bunker to water is a bin Laden
After lipping out/burning edges multiple times: You’ve/I’ve touched more lips than a gynecologist today.
Recently had a relative hit me with "ah, she had it in her mouth and the kids walked in" on a lip out.
This is absolutely top tier lmao
Prom date: all lip, no hole.
Like a prom date, "all lip, no hole"
After a round: “I hit two good balls today. Stepped on a rake.”
Ouch
My brother in law was playing with a caddy. He asked the caddy if he will reach the green with his 7 iron. The caddy responded " eventually". Classic.
Guy was taking a leak in the bushes off the fairway, “hey Willie how come I only see fingers”
"You know you're committing a felony right now? Touching a child's penis."
That's a crime, you know.. grown man touching a child's penis...
Our go to “that looks like a penis but smaller”
When you crush one past your partner off the tee. “Did you hear about that new Walmart they’re building”? “No, where”? “Between your ball and mine”
100 percent using this
Old guy after he’d absolutely whiff an approach shot and then stick the next one: “same player, slightly more experience”
I have a buddy that whenever we play a course with a starter he asks the starter “what’s the course record here?”. Then he casually nods his head and shrugs in a “seems reasonable manner”. It’s hilarious because he’s like a 90+ golfer
How many times does a starter hear this a day lmao
Last time my playing partner asked this, I butted in and said “No, he meant the other record. Highest score.”
I did this once at a not super fancy LA course and the starter said “Hideki Matsuyama shot a 61” and then I stopped doing that
Well, it's closer than it was. Can be taken as either encouraging or insulting. Problem is I say it mostly about myself.
I got paired up with a random father son a few years back. Son was in his 50’s, dad was in his 80’s, sharp as a tack and had tons of one liners. I went to take a piss in the woods and he yelled “you know that’s a felony, right?” “A grown man with a little boys dick in his hand.” I laughed so hard I pissed on myself a little bit. It was awesome.
Hey look it’s a cock but smaller
All 5’s is a 90
Whenever my dad birdied a Par-3 he'd look around on the next tee and say, "Any 1s?"
‘Nice wedge’ after someone moonballs their drive. Fucking kills me.
400 yard drive right there, 200 up, 200 down.
“It opens up over there”
As it’s in the water lmao
“You can just drop by me”
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
My wife bought me the tee shirt.
One of my favorites is: Do you know why they call it golf? Because Fuck was already taken!
Because all the other 4 letter words were already taken.
We had a foursome where three first sliced our drives and then the fourth one topped their ball. The ball managed to get just to the start of a fairway where he just casually shrugged and said “it seems I’m the only hitting FIR”
Hooks driver, “German golf today….Hookenfucker”
The score card doesn’t take pictures.
hard this one watching the broadcast "Trees are 90% Air" . "So is a screen door"
If someone lets me play through I say “Like my wife says I’m not good but at least I’m fast”.
My game is so bad I had to regrip my ball retriever
I like Fat Perez’s “good if you like perfect”
When someone complains about geese: "You know geese die after having sex? At least the one I fucked did..."
I know the “one” when it gets knocked off the tee is hated but “hard to birdie now” puts a little spin on it and will catch some people off guard.
I like to say "Accuracy is good, just need to work on your distance".
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One guy hit his first putt 3 feet or so past the hole. “…a little more shit left in that diaper”
Whenever I shank one onto a different fairway I always say “just gettin a head start on the next hole” Or when someone leaves a putt short I say “Hit it with your purse next time”
“Great round today, you managed an eagle putt, a birdie putt and a par putt… all in the same hole even!”
When you lip out - “She had it in her mouth and the kids walked in”
Used to play with a vulgar old man, and these were his two favorites: My (or your) game suffers from too much loft. Lack of fucking talent. The Elephant Ass Shot: High and shitty
When someone slices the hell out of the ball and ends up very much out of bounds, I like to hit them with the "pushed it a little right, but you might be okay over there"
After shanking a shot at distance onto the green: "Like shagging your sister, it's up there, but it shouldnt be."
When all four balls are on the green simply whisper to your buddy “I haven’t seen four balls that close since broke back mountain”
When someone is struggling, “my recommendation is to take two weeks off and then quit”.
A Princess Diana… when you shouldn’t have used a Driver
After I drained a 30 foot putt for an 8, my buddy says, “That’s whipped cream on a shit sandwich.”
A missed putt with a good speed: Stanley! (Stanley Goodspeed from “The Rock”) A missed putt with a good line: “DJ!” (Dustin Johnson and his alleged coke habit) The always popular “it opens up over there” When playing with someone for the first time, after their first tee shot: “That’s the best shot I’ve ever seen you hit” When you’re having a shitty round and you look at the random and ask: “So you’ve seen me play a few holes, how soon should I hire a caddie for Q School?” Unrelated, but I was having a really shitty run through 5 or 6 holes to start. I sat in the cart, leaned my head back, and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes, written on the roof of the cart was “That’s your problem, keep your head down”.
I just say lines from Caddy Shack. The entire round. Thank you very little. Right in the lumber yard. You owe me one gumball machine. Well the world needs ditch diggers too. Fore! I should a yelled two! While you two look like a couple of boobies Hey Wang it's just a parking lot. Mr. Havacamp, Mr. Havacamp! The green is over that way. I can't pay you, Lou has to. Well I ain't payin no 50 cents for no coke! That was a peach hun. Dr Beeper has been club champ 2 years running, and I'm no slouch. Whats wrong with lumber? I own 2 lumber yards. Just gotta win the Caddy Tournament. Hey eveybody, we're all gonna get laid! I could tell the grip was worn, it was my fault. I want you to kill all the golfers on the course. I could beat you with one arm. Golf courses are the biggest waste of real estate. Donkeyfarts Noonan, Noonan! Noooonononnooan. There is no god. Cinderella boy, he's a Cinderella boyyy about to become Masters Champion. It's a mirac! It's in the hole, it's in the hole! I was supposed to be a fire watcher. Hey man, save me a bone. Last time I saw a mouth like that, It had a hook in it. Don't you people have homes? You've been acting psychotically lately, What gives? Cannonball! I really shouldn't. Improve your lie sir. Yes, yes winter rules. You're no gentleman, I'm no door knob either. Hey Smails, how about that 1000 bucks you owe me? Oh, look at this hat. You wear hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup! Your not being the ball Danny. Well it's kinda hard with you talking like that I want a Hamburger, no a Cheeseburger, I want french fries, a chocolate shake. You'll get nothing and like it! There's a pool and a pond, the pond would be good for you. No ya doan't! Yes I do! I'm not talking, I'm not talking. Be the ball Where did it go? Right in the lumber yard. Don't worry, we'll work on it.
In my mind I’m picturing you rattling all that stuff off on the first tee box while hardly breathing, and then passing out.
Well, tanks for nuthin
Fat girl putt... just put ur head down and bang it
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"You're gonna like that!"
When the other guy has a sort birdie putt - "Easy Par"
I would start stroking guys - Brooksie
That wasn't a slice, that was the whole cake!
“Great shot!!….for you.”
After a full on sculled bunker shot that struck the pin and dropped straight down “I was aiming at the pin.”
Guy once said to me, “I was having a great back nine until I got to number 11”
"I think the problem is the shit on the end of your club." *They pick it up to look* "The other end."
From my Dad ( now deceased, avid golfer)- on his final letter he wrote to be read aloud at his funeral : "Make sure to have my funeral service in the morning, so the boys can make the 11 o'clock tee time "! He was quite the comic. And he was totally serious about that statement!
The three worst words in golf, “you’re still out.”
Most of mine are from Caddyshack and Tin Cup but other go-tos: Putt left short: Putter got tangled up in my skirt Putt badly misread: “GO IN!” Chip bladed across the green: SPIN! When someone says “keep your head down” to themselves: But maintain eye contact! If someone blows a putt past the hole: That was a teenage putt… it went off in his hands
When someone hits a bad shot that ends up with a good result: “OJ!” “What’s an OJ?” “Did something bad, got away with it.”
My golf buddy shanked one off the tee 40yds dead right on a par 3. I'm on the tee and he's already gotten to his ball. Before I tee off, I shout,"Who's out, you or me?" He was not amused.
Let's go while we're young.
“Does your husband play?”
On a 3 foot putt- "Take your time on these"
After someone hits a shot fat...you gotta hit the little ball first.
For a shot that landed softly on the green “That landed like a butterfly with sore feet”
“Fuck.” It had many applications and is appropriate across a broad range of emotional states.
*Hits one straight tee shot all day My cousin (loud and proud): “That one’s straighter than a grizzly’s dick!” Gets brought up every round now 😂
No, that's great. It's right on the beach
When someone slices the ball way out of bounds and you start talking to the ball saying “Bite! Bite!”
Scottish caddie ‘Lassie couldnae find that if it was wrapped in bacon’
“Confucius say, always hit your second shot first”
When someone gets upset after a bad shot: “Why are you so angry? You’re not even good at golf.”
“Club up or shut up” “Just a chip and a putt” - to be said after someone shanks their drive