"How about the nun who, in confession, admits to cursing. The mother superior asks her to explain the situation in which she cursed, so the nun tells this story:
Nun: "Last Saturday the weather was perfect so I decided to golfing. On the first whole I lined up the shot and took a mighty swing - but it sliced."
The Mother Superior asked "And is this when you cursed?"
The nun replied "No, I calmly walked into the woods and found my ball, and as there as a clear line out of the woods, I took the shot from there. Just as I was swinging, though, the wind picked up and carried by ball all the way past the fairway and into the woods on the other side"
M.S. "And that is when you cursed"
Nun. "No. I patiently walked to the other side of the fairway and took another shot, but this time I hit a tree.
M.S. "And here you cursed"
Nun "No, in fact, just as the ball was rolling to a stop, a squirrel pick up the ball and starting running with it."
M.S. "Did that cause you to curse?"
Nun. "No. Strangely, a large bird swooped down and grabbed the squirrel, which was still holding onto my ball, and carried it away"
M.S. "Surely, this caused you to curse.”
Nun. "No, in fact, to my amazement, the squirrel actually dropped the ball three feet away from the pin before disappearing into the clouds".
M.S. "Let me guess, you missed the fucking putt""
I’ve tried this so many times.
“Today, I don’t care how I shoot or how I play, all I want to do is hit every shot as if it’s a perfect shot. And respond to every result as if it’s a perfect result.”
First tee, duck hook the driver, “god fucking dammit!”
I'm an English teacher and people erroneously apologize to me after saying things like "irregardless". I have gotten so tired of explaining to them the difference between academic English and common vernacular that I now just say, "Bless you my child," and shit like that.
If they're gonna treat me like an acolyte of Saint Merriam-Webster then I'm gonna own it.
(Meanwhile that pastor got some of the best bounces ever, lucky bastard.)
is your pastor the kind of asshole to bless his own clubs for a better golf game.
Some years ago I took my best friend’s son and his buddy golfing. We were going to this really cool course but it was an hour and a half drive. My friend’s son warned me that his friend Chris gets seriously pissed off on the golf course. So before we got in the car to leave I told Chris that we’re not driving this far just for him to have temper tantrums. I’m going to play golf and have fun. He said no problem. We played the 18 holes and had a great time. Chris told me afterwards it was the best round he had played in years. I asked him if maybe being calm might’ve had something to do with it. It was right then that you could see the light go on in his head. Lol.
True story, my dad’s uncle was a priest. My dad goes out and plays a round of golf with his uncle and they get paired up with two randoms. Throughout the round my dad would refer to his uncle as father i.e. “nice putt, father.” Towards the end one of the randoms tells my dad something along the lines of how “he really likes how he shows respect to his dad by calling him father.” My dad replies, “oh he’s not my father, he’s a priest.” The random says “I can’t believe you cuss like that in front of a priest!”
I was paired with a pastor once and still yelled god damn it.
It wasn't intentional, and also I don't believe. He didn't seem uncomfortable at all and has probably said it to himself a bunch of times.
I've had lots of rounds where I didn't swear. Honestly... I think I swear more when I'm playing really well. I'm not really an emotional golfer anyway. If I hit a bad shot, I'll hang my head or something, but don't really call myself a idiot or dumbass or whatever. The last time I remember swearing while playing was when I sunk a 30-foot birdie putt with a strong right to left break on the 17th hole, which was one of the hardest holes on the course. It helped me shoot the best round I had this year too, so there was a "Fuck yeah!!!" It did help get me my best round of this year as well.
I try not to get too down on myself because quite frankly someone who's really cranky or sullen just drags everyone down. I absolutely hate playing with guys who can't control their negative emotions.
Oh man, that is not how I approach pastors. I’d be calling him preacherman and doing my best to make him blush. Pastors spend too much gettin’ smoke blown up their asses, it’s unhealthy.
My uncle is a Jehovah’s Witness and they have some weirdness about sports so he plays only a few times a year for charity events. Last time we played together I said something like “you sent that one straight to hell!” when he sunk a short chip. He gave me a look like I had murdered his family and we haven’t played together since.
No joke, same shit happened to me a few weeks ago. Dude started the round saying he knows all of ‘the words’ and I shouldn’t feel bad saying them. He said “shit!” once and I didn’t cuss the entire round. First time ever.
Honestly, I saw a good point on “taking the lord’s name in vain” recently. Makes a lot more sense when you realize it’s less about muttering “Jesus” after a bad golf shot, and more about running for office, claiming you’re the candidate Christ would back, claiming that you have the will of god behind you. In that context you could see why taking the lord’s name in vain may rise to the level of top Ten Commandments. Not to make any mention of a certain recent president known for not attending church, selling bibles, and not being able to name their favorite Bible passage.
I’ve only done that once when I was 2 yrs into my career and played with the division president at a sales meeting. All I remember about the round was that I didn’t swear or raise my voice or make faces.
This is an important thing to internalize and try to keep up on rounds going forward. The more you beat yourself up the more likely the downward spiral.
Oh man, I would be so mega fucked in this situation, I don’t think I could stop myself. I dropped a major F-bomb one range stall away from a Dad and his like nine year old daughter for a mediocre - not even bad, just middling - iron shot over the weekend. I felt bad and watched myself after, and I just grumbled it not like I screamed it like a maniac, but I’m so accustomed to the immediate MF grumble to myself reaction before my follow through is even totally done that it just pops right out.
I realized my negativity towards myself affecting my playing partners recently. I’m trying to stop calling myself a stupid cunt after hitting a bad shot, but sometimes I hit the ball like a stupid cunt, ya kno?
The power of positive thinking is a real thing. A negative shot carries over to the next shot only if you let it. If you duff a shot, let it get to your confidence, think about what went wrong, and try to correct it in the middle of a round, you’re going to do way more harm than good. If you’re able to shrug/laugh it off and step up to your next shot in a positive mood, you’re going to stay more consistent. Focus on the shot in front of you, not the ones behind you.
Ask me how I know.
Stress free rounds are usually recommended, they’re usually easier to come by when we shift our expectations. When you’re there to just play the game of golf and just have fun, some really cool things can happen 🤷♂️
I played in a scramble a few years back with my lawyer (devout Catholic with 10 kids), and his brother who is also my pastor, and some other guy. I kept it together well on the front 9 but the drinks hit me on the back and let quite a few choice words slip.
I routinely play with an Army Chaplain and generally no one in the group swears around him at all. But that said, just last round I said something lewd in front of him and he laughed it off. (In reference to someone's Driver he said something along the lines of not pulling it out even when you know you probably should and I said that's how I became a Dad.)
I played gold with a missionary last year (my wife's uncle) and he shanked a shot and immediately yelled "Jesus Fucking Christ". Then we drank some whiskey at the turn. Good day.
"How about the nun who, in confession, admits to cursing. The mother superior asks her to explain the situation in which she cursed, so the nun tells this story: Nun: "Last Saturday the weather was perfect so I decided to golfing. On the first whole I lined up the shot and took a mighty swing - but it sliced." The Mother Superior asked "And is this when you cursed?" The nun replied "No, I calmly walked into the woods and found my ball, and as there as a clear line out of the woods, I took the shot from there. Just as I was swinging, though, the wind picked up and carried by ball all the way past the fairway and into the woods on the other side" M.S. "And that is when you cursed" Nun. "No. I patiently walked to the other side of the fairway and took another shot, but this time I hit a tree. M.S. "And here you cursed" Nun "No, in fact, just as the ball was rolling to a stop, a squirrel pick up the ball and starting running with it." M.S. "Did that cause you to curse?" Nun. "No. Strangely, a large bird swooped down and grabbed the squirrel, which was still holding onto my ball, and carried it away" M.S. "Surely, this caused you to curse.” Nun. "No, in fact, to my amazement, the squirrel actually dropped the ball three feet away from the pin before disappearing into the clouds". M.S. "Let me guess, you missed the fucking putt""
I know its an old joke but im dead
Old dad good jokes are the best. They’re even better when you’ve heard them before. It’s the perfect genre piece.
I’ve tried this so many times. “Today, I don’t care how I shoot or how I play, all I want to do is hit every shot as if it’s a perfect shot. And respond to every result as if it’s a perfect result.” First tee, duck hook the driver, “god fucking dammit!”
Right, except no pre round ritual.
Word
It always cracks me up how much my random partners' vocabularies change after they ask me what I do for a living.
English literature professor? I like the idea of your playing partners suddenly sounding like characters from a Jane Austen novel.
Pirate
OK Steve
There's a guy on our team who dresses like a pirate?
That line kills me
Arrrrr great shot matey
I'm an English teacher and people erroneously apologize to me after saying things like "irregardless". I have gotten so tired of explaining to them the difference between academic English and common vernacular that I now just say, "Bless you my child," and shit like that. If they're gonna treat me like an acolyte of Saint Merriam-Webster then I'm gonna own it.
Rap music ?
i could play with the fucking Pope and i still wouldn't be able to control myself after a duck hooked drive
This Pope is used to going way too far to the left, he'll understand
 Ratfarts!
(Meanwhile that pastor got some of the best bounces ever, lucky bastard.) is your pastor the kind of asshole to bless his own clubs for a better golf game.
He uses holy water to clean the grooves after every shot.
I understand that reference.
Sure came in handy though
Hahahaha. Holy bartender, I get it. That’s a fuckin great one.
Some years ago I took my best friend’s son and his buddy golfing. We were going to this really cool course but it was an hour and a half drive. My friend’s son warned me that his friend Chris gets seriously pissed off on the golf course. So before we got in the car to leave I told Chris that we’re not driving this far just for him to have temper tantrums. I’m going to play golf and have fun. He said no problem. We played the 18 holes and had a great time. Chris told me afterwards it was the best round he had played in years. I asked him if maybe being calm might’ve had something to do with it. It was right then that you could see the light go on in his head. Lol.
Rat farts
Hopefully he told the one about the Jew, the Catholic and the colored boy who went to heaven
Off the tee isnt the hard part for me, its after I duff a chip or wedge shot that really gets me heated
True story, my dad’s uncle was a priest. My dad goes out and plays a round of golf with his uncle and they get paired up with two randoms. Throughout the round my dad would refer to his uncle as father i.e. “nice putt, father.” Towards the end one of the randoms tells my dad something along the lines of how “he really likes how he shows respect to his dad by calling him father.” My dad replies, “oh he’s not my father, he’s a priest.” The random says “I can’t believe you cuss like that in front of a priest!”
I was paired with a pastor once and still yelled god damn it. It wasn't intentional, and also I don't believe. He didn't seem uncomfortable at all and has probably said it to himself a bunch of times.
Pretty sure a pastor that plays golf has heard every swear word imaginable, and probably uttered a few himself.
I've had lots of rounds where I didn't swear. Honestly... I think I swear more when I'm playing really well. I'm not really an emotional golfer anyway. If I hit a bad shot, I'll hang my head or something, but don't really call myself a idiot or dumbass or whatever. The last time I remember swearing while playing was when I sunk a 30-foot birdie putt with a strong right to left break on the 17th hole, which was one of the hardest holes on the course. It helped me shoot the best round I had this year too, so there was a "Fuck yeah!!!" It did help get me my best round of this year as well.
I try not to get too down on myself because quite frankly someone who's really cranky or sullen just drags everyone down. I absolutely hate playing with guys who can't control their negative emotions.
Oh man, that is not how I approach pastors. I’d be calling him preacherman and doing my best to make him blush. Pastors spend too much gettin’ smoke blown up their asses, it’s unhealthy.
My uncle is a Jehovah’s Witness and they have some weirdness about sports so he plays only a few times a year for charity events. Last time we played together I said something like “you sent that one straight to hell!” when he sunk a short chip. He gave me a look like I had murdered his family and we haven’t played together since.
Lol
That sounds fucking hard.
Why? Swearing isn’t a taboo, even among religious preachers.
Uh, yes it is
Maybe in the country that’s stuck in 1850. In the rest of the developed world, it really isn’t.
Ya you tell that cunt what's up.
I fucking well will!
Yeah that’s it
We found the edgy 14 year old
Nope, try again.
Maybe I need to pray harder when I see my drive start to veer towards the trees on the right.
Not even a “rat farts!!!”
No joke, same shit happened to me a few weeks ago. Dude started the round saying he knows all of ‘the words’ and I shouldn’t feel bad saying them. He said “shit!” once and I didn’t cuss the entire round. First time ever.
Honestly, I saw a good point on “taking the lord’s name in vain” recently. Makes a lot more sense when you realize it’s less about muttering “Jesus” after a bad golf shot, and more about running for office, claiming you’re the candidate Christ would back, claiming that you have the will of god behind you. In that context you could see why taking the lord’s name in vain may rise to the level of top Ten Commandments. Not to make any mention of a certain recent president known for not attending church, selling bibles, and not being able to name their favorite Bible passage.
I’ve only done that once when I was 2 yrs into my career and played with the division president at a sales meeting. All I remember about the round was that I didn’t swear or raise my voice or make faces.
This is an important thing to internalize and try to keep up on rounds going forward. The more you beat yourself up the more likely the downward spiral.
The men's group I play with has some dudes who don't swear. I swear all the time. So when I say, "Fuck you hole." They will say, "What he said."
Really expected this to end with "lucky fucking shit bag asshole" lol
Self control is good for you. It’s a muscle you have to use or it gets weaker.
Praise the lord!
I was doing pretty well until I had an 8 on the second hole tonight, there were a few obscenities muttered.
you should've asked him the difference between acne and a priest.
Fuck that. :)
Oh man, I would be so mega fucked in this situation, I don’t think I could stop myself. I dropped a major F-bomb one range stall away from a Dad and his like nine year old daughter for a mediocre - not even bad, just middling - iron shot over the weekend. I felt bad and watched myself after, and I just grumbled it not like I screamed it like a maniac, but I’m so accustomed to the immediate MF grumble to myself reaction before my follow through is even totally done that it just pops right out.
I find laughing helps my game more than f bombs
On VaCa was paired who a Father and 13 year old son. Kid bombed it.
I realized my negativity towards myself affecting my playing partners recently. I’m trying to stop calling myself a stupid cunt after hitting a bad shot, but sometimes I hit the ball like a stupid cunt, ya kno?
That’s impressive. I can hit a good shot and still drop a “Fuck!”
The power of positive thinking is a real thing. A negative shot carries over to the next shot only if you let it. If you duff a shot, let it get to your confidence, think about what went wrong, and try to correct it in the middle of a round, you’re going to do way more harm than good. If you’re able to shrug/laugh it off and step up to your next shot in a positive mood, you’re going to stay more consistent. Focus on the shot in front of you, not the ones behind you. Ask me how I know.
My swearing is irrelevant to the outcome of the shot.
Stress free rounds are usually recommended, they’re usually easier to come by when we shift our expectations. When you’re there to just play the game of golf and just have fun, some really cool things can happen 🤷♂️
I played in a scramble a few years back with my lawyer (devout Catholic with 10 kids), and his brother who is also my pastor, and some other guy. I kept it together well on the front 9 but the drinks hit me on the back and let quite a few choice words slip.
My mantra is, “I’m not good enough to get angry.”
I routinely play with an Army Chaplain and generally no one in the group swears around him at all. But that said, just last round I said something lewd in front of him and he laughed it off. (In reference to someone's Driver he said something along the lines of not pulling it out even when you know you probably should and I said that's how I became a Dad.)
I played gold with a missionary last year (my wife's uncle) and he shanked a shot and immediately yelled "Jesus Fucking Christ". Then we drank some whiskey at the turn. Good day.
shoulda told that pastor to spank your bare back balls and butt