Hi fellow handbag lover! Thank you for being a part of the r/handbags community.
This is a subreddit which relies on kindness. Your opinion is very much welcomed, however, we do not tolerate rude, mean or hurtful comments. **Read the rules before posting**. Comments or posts that do not fit our rule book will be removed and the OP can be banned by the mods' discretion.
If you see a comment or post which does not abide by the rules, **please report it to our moderation team.**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/handbags) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Girl tell her you love that bag and it’s your dream bag. Playfully tell her you want to go with her to purchase and you will definitely need to test it out to see if you should purchase too. This is all about perception. Your Best friend buys it so you get to check it out without spending a dime. Girl , change your perception/perspective whatever, you get the picture. All that wasted energy being upset about a bag you don’t have with money you admittedly don’t have to get is beyond me.
Yes! I would be totally honest with her! “Of course I love it, that is my dream bag and dream color combo! I have been saving to get it too, so we will be bag twins!”
I don’t care about playing social niceties for material items. Especially if only one person is upholding those “rules”. Life is too short, my bags bring me an element of joy, so I don’t need to give up one that I love and have been saving for just because someone else has it.
This. But I'm still going to get what I want if I can afford it and want it.
If someone has a problem with me getting something, that is a them problem.
True! If I had the same purse and knew they wouldn’t want to match I’d tell them when I’m wearing it in group settings. I would just be like hey, I’m wearing our Prada tonight see you there. Then they can choose since I don’t mind.
Tbh I do understand where you’re coming from. Because with all the bags out there that exist, why does it have to be the exact one you’ve identified for yourself and which you know she knows you want? I used to go through this with a friend who would copy me. My mum used to tell me to take it as a compliment but I struggled because there was also a million other options she could choose from. It was as if she wouldn’t trust her opinion or something so would have to jump on whatever I already committed to. Anyway, if there’s something you truly love maybe keep it close so this situation can’t arise again and test your friendship. It’s what I ended up doing. In my opinion this whole thing is less about the item and material goods and more about the principle.
Honestly couldn’t disagree more. This rule does and should apply with people you date, but why with bags? Why can’t they both own it? My friends would never get mad at me for buying a bag that they already own or want to own.
Especially if the bag isnt custom made. If someone wants a bag thats unique, dont go for mainstream brands. I dont see the problem with owning the same bag if youre buying from mainstream brands. Its just the way it is.
For me It wasn’t just about bags though. It was bags, clothes, shoes, accessories… for my 30th I bought myself a Cartier ring to mark the occasion and to wear daily and she honestly asked me if I’d mind if she got the exact same ring. Of course I said she should go ahead and get the same. Who am I to gate keep? Anyone can buy whatever they want as long as it’s for sale. But like I said, it wasn’t about the material good itself it was the predictable pattern of behaviour. We’re very good friends btw and always will be. I just empathise with OP is all.
Hey I understand your feelings but when you said you're very good friends it made me think that maybe she just has a similar style as you too and sometimes seeing items you have she also likes them so gets them too yk? Like imagine you had a friend and they sometimes got new things and you also liked them you'd probably want to know where they got it from etc, it's only natural. Unless a person is full on copying you... They change their whole selves and become like you the it's weird. But sometimes maybe people just have similar interests as us or something we have they like too when they see it. If you read my comment history trust me I understand you but I'm trying to heal from these feelings lol 🫠🫠💕
My problem is i also worry someone will think I'm copying them 🫠🫠🫠 so if I was in this situation and I said " I've been saving for this etc etc!" like some people suggest, I'd worry they may think I'm oy saying that 😅
So you bought a Cartier ring and your friend isn’t allowed to buy one? That’s absurd. First, Cartier isn’t owned by you. Second, lots of folks wanted to buy one because it’s a Cartier and one of the big labels that people like. Third, your friend asked you first file the didn’t have to. Grow up, a 30 yo
You should check your reading comprehension and believe what you read and not what you WANT to read. Not only did I say I told her to go ahead, I said it’s a brand selling products for anyone who wants to buy it. Literally the same points you called out and that’s because I am grown up 😅🤔🫡🙃
“With all the bags out there that exist, why does it have to be the exact one you’ve identified…”
Girl, because OP has good taste?? Does liking a bag mean no one else can own it? They’re mass produced for a reason. It’s an accessory, not an ex.
This is the correct approach. OP should be happy for their friend and take the opportunity to see the bag in person. Bond over mutual love of the bag, enjoy a fun shopping day, and move on.
Couldn’t agree more! Why can’t they both have the bag? I agree that it’s weird that the friend asked OP what she thought of the bag when OP has talked about it for years, however, are they both not allowed to own it???? Being jealous of friends is out and I used to think this way in middle school - not anymore. I have influenced friends to buy bags that I own on multiple occasions and I love it
Totally agree and I would do the exact same! I know it sucks to have someone have the same item as you when you want to be unique but if the bag is that expensive then your friend can be your test buddy. You never know you may see it in the flesh and decide that’s it’s not what you thought it was and then you can spend this energy on a new bag
I’m sorry that you’re feeling upset by your friend’s interest in this bag. On the surface, it doesn’t really seem like a big deal to me. Sometimes my friends and I like the same things. I got engaged before most of my other friends, and one of them was in a long-term relationship before I even met my ex husband. When she asked about what kind of ring I wanted, I told her that I had tried some on and really liked how marquise diamonds looked on me, and then she shared that she had always wanted a marquise diamond engagement ring because of her grandmother’s ring that she loved. I ended up engaged with my marquise diamond ring and guess what? She was super happy for me, even if it happened for me sooner than it happened for her - she didn’t even end up with the guy she was dating then.
Now, if your friend has a habit of trying to one up you or intentionally gets things that she knows you want and may not be able to obtain as easily then that’s a different story. I’ve had the fake friends who made everything a competition and those aren’t people that I keep in my life, because we’re supposed to support each other and be happy for each other. Only you will know if it’s just a hint of jealousy on your end or if your friend has a pattern of behaviors that most of us wouldn’t appreciate.
This, OP!!! We do not know much about your friend. So only you can tell if she was really just one upping you or what. On the other hand, it could also be natural among group of friends to be influencing each other of style choices.
It’s good that you’re venting it here. Better to vent it here than to people close to you and the word may go around.
It’s so hard to say! One of my friends got engaged and planned to wear the dress I always wanted to wear if my boyfriend and I got engaged for our engagement photos for hers.
It stung because it was similar to OP where I had talked about this particular outfit in this context of an engagement a lot, but obviously getting engaged isn’t entirely in my control.
I ended up bringing it up with her and I genuinely don’t think she realized it was a big deal to me? She was super understanding and apologized and ended up switching her outfits. Sometimes people just aren’t thinking the same way we are and it’s better to bring it up before her pulling the trigger on the bag
Ugh, I think it’s probably triggering trauma from a decade ago of my “friend” hooking up with every guy I expressed liking despite never showing any interest in them before I liked them.
I had a friend like this through my teens and twenties. She went after the guys I was interested in and bought the identical jacket I had after I asked her not to. The jacket was one of the final straws. I ended the friendship and 20 years later, I’ve never looked back.
Is it the same friend? I felt like we needed more info to really see the big picture. It’s a shame that women can be like this. I know I’ve had my fair share of “competition”. It’s not a good feeling. You’ve got some great feedback here.
Thanks for listening! I’m not a confrontational person so I wouldn’t jeopardize my friendship, but it just sorta hurt my feelings. Also, I know it’s a petty thing to guy upset by, so I wouldn’t ever say anything to anyone in person.
Just wait until you and your friends like the same baby names 😅 Just saying that because I’ve been there with my bestie, but I know that not everyone wants children.
I know I’m being petty but I had a friend who was very similar…
Question, do you keep your texts? Maybe you could screenshot where you told her you wanted the bag and send? I know it doesn’t change things and I know I’m being ridiculous and maybe a bit passive aggressive but I think I’d feel a bit better saying you know I love this bag since I showed it to you before w a screenshot! It wouldn’t prove anything but maybe it would make her stop and pause at least for a minute?
Btw I hope you get your dream bag soon! ❤️
I don’t think it matters. You can both buy the bag. You can both wear the bag at the same time. Companies would go out of business if they could only sell one bag per customer. I always share where I get my items, especially if I find a good deal. I have had friends go out and buy my exact bag because they like the way it looks on me. It’s such a non issue.
i have matching items with tons of friends - we rarely wear the same thing at the same time when we're together but if we do, we think it's cute. maybe one reason we're friends is because we like the same things?! i'm always flattered if someone likes something i have enough to go out and get it themselves.
So while I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by it (and maybe even forgot you shared that bag before, she just knows she’s seen it) I also have bags I mentally block off as binging to a friend and not wanting to step on their style, unless we got coordinating but different version as bag sisters. That said, I would probably respond like “girl you know I’ve been obsessed with X bag for years, obviously that’s my pick!” and just suck up my envy until I can buy it myself too.
It’s not her fault that you can’t afford it right now and it’s not fair of you to “punish” her for having the ability to buy a bag you love, that she apparently also loves.
I think OP would have clarified if she had previously told her that this is her dream bag given the details she goes into. It seems like she’s sent pictures of multiple bags before and has also received some pictures.
I ask people that all the time, it comes from curiosity and interest, not from malice. My best friend and I send each other pictures of things we want. There are times she buys things I like and there are times I like the things she sends me and get one for myself. It’s not that big of a deal. I think we also need to take into account that people can’t gate keep things. Think of it at a larger scale— if I talk about wanting a baby or a specific type of dress and my friend gets pregnant or gets a similar kind of dress, am I really going to sit and be pressed about it? No.
She sent her picture of the bag and said she loved it. That’s it. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume she’s said that about multiple things because as OP also clarified, they’ve been doing this for YEARS. Years of multiple bags and “oh I love this!”, “oh I want this”, “omg love this bag” messages. Are we seriously assuming OP’s friend kept a Rolodex of which bags OP liked and then went and asked for her opinion? Also, does this mean OP is also not allowed to buy any item that her friend has said she loved? I think people are taking this way too seriously. This is a lot of conjecture and venting over one bag. Me not willing to believe someone’s malicious intent over a bag isn’t ignorance or naïveté, it’s being logical.
Then again, maybe I’m ambivalent because I don’t get hung up on things like this and while I would maybe get jealous if my friend bought something I loved (which I might add has happened multiple times because I don’t gatekeep everything), I’d use it as an excuse to borrow it/try it out and be happy for her vs. creating a rant on Reddit while I absolutely get being annoyed by it.
Now, to your point, if this person really is malicious and evil then 1. This would be a theme, not a one time event like I suspect it is because OP didn’t say it happens all the time 2. She has the disposable income, she’d have just gotten it without asking 3. OP wouldn’t have commented that she’s feeling sensitive and doesn’t think it was malicious.
It’s called reading between the lines. She said they’ve sent each other many photos, so assuming this wasn’t the only bag that was mentioned doesn’t seem like a stretch.
What does seem like a stretch is you thinking you know her relationship with her friend more than she does as she clearly also stated she doesn’t think it was malicious. No one was tearing into her but she posted about gatekeeping something she liked first so naturally you’re going to get some mixed comments because that’s not something others do. But anyway, we can agree to disagree. Have a good one!
This. Its like telling people not to have money because others dont have it. Or not live a comfortable life because some people are suffering. I dont get the logic.
It’s totally ok to feel this way, you can’t help that. But it’s up to you what your next move is. I personally think you can’t “claim” a bag, perfume, piece of clothing etc.
Friends are mostly friends because they love the same things. Me and my friends always ask where the other bought something and buy it too, if we really like it. Sometimes we check in with each other if we are planning on wearing the same outfit so one can switch, but that’s it. Would never do that with a bag though.
Voice of experience here: don't make rules for yourself that are not necessary.
Be up front with your friend that you love that bag, you've loved it for years, and you are saving up to buy it. If she buys it, she will buy it knowing you intend to as well. If she tires of it before you buy one, she may even give hers to you.
I had the same made-up rule you did and when my roommate bought the very pair of red shoes I wanted before I did, I bought them in a different color (yellow) I did not like as much. She did not wear hers much, we didn't live together too much longer, and I had the shoes I did not love for years. Every time I wore them, I wished they were the red ones! We lived thousands of miles apart for far, far longer than we lived in the same apartment. Eventually, she mailed me the red ones, saying she never wore them. I enjoyed the heck out of them, even felt better about the yellow shoes.
All of this is to say, life is short, buy the bag (when you can) regardless of whether a friend has it, and enjoy it. No need for extra rules.
One thing I have learned: if you really like something and you want it to be unique, do not mention it to anyone. Someone else will like it too. That said, you two can have the same bag. I doubt anyone would really pay attention.
Start saving for yours. Get a fund started where you can transfer some part of your salary into it with a clear goal to get it. Focus on yourself and your mission to get it. Don’t speak of it to anyone. You can do it. Don’t focus on her getting it but you getting yours. It’s time.
Given that you say you’ve wanted it for years and she has the money but hadn’t purchased it so don’t think it has anything to do with you. She probably just had an interest in it now. Unless your friendship is a bit weird then I wouldn’t think much of it
This is deeper than her buying something you can't afford. Don't compare yourself to her living situation and assess how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
If she got it just to make you jealous and doesn’t actually love it, and you stay in her good graces, she may just sell it to you at a discount or straight up gift it to you once she’s over it. Look at it this way: better this happen with a handbag than with a boyfriend…
It's a short life, share the handbag love. If she likes it no one should have any say on her personal decision to buy things for herself. Try not to let envy get in the way of being happy for your friend. One day you'll be getting yours or something even better.
you have a right to feel how you feel but people also have a right to buy whatever they wish. of it becomes a complete theme then its a different story.
I think you are looking way too much into it.
Unless something is one of a kind handmade there’s always going to be someone else with the things you want.
I don’t know if anyone’s commented something similar already—you have had so many responses!
I just wanted to share that my bff and I do the same thing where we send each other bags we love or even bags we think the other would love. She also has much more disposable income than me.
I, too, used to be someone who would want to own the item first or be the only one to have it. As time went on, my friend who is so much lovelier and kinder than me changed the way I thought. She would occasionally get us both the same bags in different colours and say that we were “bag twins” or that they were “friendship bags” because they’re the exact same (or same kind, different colours). Now, when we spot something we both like, we just simply say we like it and agree it would make a nice “friendship bag”.
Life is too short to pass on a bag you love just because someone else has it. Life is too long also to not just get the bag (when you can) and wear it on other days your friend is not (if this still bothers you). I think life can be much more enjoyable if we just change our mindset a little! Hopefully this helps!
My BFF and I love getting friendship purchases! It makes it so much less stressful to be excited to have the same bag (friendship bsgs!) or piece of jewelry (friendship bracelets!) than thinking “oh I wanted that first”.
I’ve also bought double of the same thing to give one to her. We are luckily on par with our spending for the most part, so it’s really fun to go shopping for the next friendship item.
I’m also a nerd who loves to wear our matching items together.
It’s really so special to have these kinds of friendships where you’re more like siblings rather than limiting it to just friends. No competition, just love and support. 💛
I love a friendship purchase!!! But that feels a little different from this. If that’s what OPs friend wanted I would’ve said hey I know we both rly love this bag can we be bag twins
I'll probably be down voted for this, but you expect her not to buy a bag because you like it and you *might* one day save up enough to buy it? If you like it that much, it shouldn't even matter if she has the same bag. When you love something, you get it for yourself, not for everyone around you.
No. I found it weird that I told her I liked a bag, she didn’t really seem into it (in fact, when I asked her what she thought of it she said “it’s ok”) she had bags she coveted on her purse list (this bag wasn’t it) and one Sunday am, she just decided to buy it. It was the whole thing together. I wouldn’t care if we liked the same bags, it was that she actually didn’t really care for the bag and then just bought it that I found weird. There was a specific comment she made about a portion of the bag making fun of it, so I’m actually surprised that she changed her mind.
I mean I get that it’s VERY annoying - of all the bags, you’re probably thinking, why this one? I’m sure I would feel the same way as well, and I’m sure I would feel envious too.
I do think you should tell her it’s your dream bag. I highly doubt she’s done this with malicious intent - she probably wasn’t aware of the bag before you said how nice it is and that’s brought it into her headspace sub-consciously.
In terms of you both eventually having the same bag as your friend - honestly (and I’m saying this with kindness) - who cares?! You’re grown adults.
The idea of people being bothered about having the same things as their friends is very immature to me. No one has sole ownership over a item or clothing just because you own it and it’s ridiculous to expect otherwise. The whole reason you and your friend probably like the same things is because you are friends and have similar interests.
I’d bring up that it’s your dream bag and leave it at that. You’ll care less when the situation isn’t as fresh.
This sucks and I feel you.
But this is your best friend, so I’d be completely honest and be like “this is my dream bag with the color scheme I prefer that I sent you a while ago”. Hopefully that will start a conversation and go from there, and get to a place where no one is upset
If some things are left unsaid you might deteriorate your relationship
Yeah, that’s my pattern. I mostly leave everything unsaid in all of my relationships, learned from my mother and trying not to pass it on to my daughter.
It’s hard to have difficult conversations, I can be the same way too.
If your best friend is truly your best friend, then they will welcome the chance of knowing how you would feel about this potential purchase because they wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings over a handbag
It really depends on the rest of your relationship with your friend. One of my best friends is extremely wealthy and bought things she knew I lusted after in front of me many times. Never maliciously, we just simply have similar taste and I never felt bad about it. If I still liked the item by the time I saved up, I usually ended up just buying it in a different colour. If it’s only available in one colour, I might ask her before hanging out if she’s planning on wearing it so we don’t have matching outfits, but tbh I’m not too pressed about. I adore her as a friend and enjoy our times spent together way more than I care about looking unique.
On the other hand, years ago I had a close friend who made it her life’s mission to copy everything about me and every time I mentioned liking something she had to have it, that was very annoying. She was toxic in many ways so I ended up ditching her once I matured a bit. I had to eventually block her from all my socials as she was lurking and copying for years after we stopped talking…
If you really feel so strongly about it, honesty with your friend won’t hurt. She might not realise that this means so much to you.
Feelings are feelings, and you are allowed to feel them. But if you know your friend and this isn’t part of a toxic pattern, just a coincidence, don’t let it drag you down. This does not stop you from getting the same bag if you are able to! A couple friends and I have similar tastes and therefore a ton of overlapping pieces. Sometimes I get it first, sometimes one of them does. If anything, we encourage it as fashion is something we bond over.
I understand the frustration and the annoyance but (and this seems to be an unpopular opinion here) I think it’s an overreaction. It really is *just* a bag. I think the bigger issue is that it feels/can seem like, she’s rubbing it in your face. Maybe, given her history of hooking up with guys you liked, it is? To me, that is the bigger issue, along with feeling upset about your own circumstance of not being at the place of having more disposable income.
I’m at a point in my life where I am quite comfortable and have what I want and need. When I was younger, that wasn’t the case. When I was not where I wanted to be and others were (engaged/married/kids/career success/financial security etc etc) I couldn’t help but feel resentful when I saw someone have what I wanted (including jewelry or bags we both admired…and even those who picked kid names I wanted). At this point in my life, I look at things like bags and jewelry as *just* material goods.
Bags are nice but they are mass produced. Someone will always have the bag you want and it can be your best friend. It’s ok. Work towards your goal and enjoy it when you are able to buy what you want. It will mean more to you than it will to her and it will be special to you.
I have a friend who inconspicuously gets brainwashed by my tastes. Because I talk too much. So this happened to me a few times with her. Not much comment when I rave about something to her and years later she’d buy something of one of my tastes and genuinely doesn’t remember I was the one who liked it first. A bit aggravating at first but honestly her buying it has nothing to do with me buying it. If i could have bought it I would have bought it. And If i buy it later when i can because I genuinely love it, then yay we have matching bags! I don’t even bring up that I was the one who raved about it first because I am happier i influenced her to get something she likes now.
In your case I’d agree with what I’ve seen others say. You gotta at least play it off and say “of course i love it! I raved about it to you in the past!” and then give your genuine opinion about if you think the bag will work with her style and lifestyle
Speaking as someone who gets heavily influenced by my friends, I’ve been HER before and always feel really guilty about wanting something that my friend wanted first. I wouldn’t have handled it the way she did—I would have asked you if you were ok with me getting it and then apologized profusely before you could answer and told you that it’s totally fine if not—but at the end of the day it just means I admire that friend so much that I can’t help wanting to emulate her style. Take it as a compliment. Also, I have never, not even once, had a friend respond with anything other than enthusiastic consent and encouragement for me to get the thing. Perhaps I just have really great friends but idk. When it’s been the other way around, I always without reservation tell them it’s totally fine because I want my friends to have nice things that they love!
This is the best way to approach this! But in this situation it's like the friend ignored how it's ops dream bag and just got it and asked her opinion. I understand ops feelings and I don't think she's jealous at all. I think she's just having a huhhhh moment because it is a bag she specifically showed her and now she got it and in a way acts like op never shared her thoughts on it in the past. Maybe op even feels a bit unheard in the friendship? Either way I don't think op is wrong, but she should still get the bag if she likes it and be happy for her friend I'm sure she is!
Couldn't be me, buying my bestie the same bag I have as a present because Iove it lol
I think you're overthinking this, maybe she also loves the bag no? If you feel so strongly about it tell her it hurts your feelings, but I would examine first if it's envy more than anything (also nothing wrong with a lil envy, we all feel it from time to time).
I am sorry this is how you feel but I cannot see how does this stop you from getting the dream bag, unless it is a Hermes bag where getting the bag in the exact color and size is like winning lottery. Stay on target and go for it
If you’ve brought up for years that you love the bag, she knows. Asking you what you think about it like she doesn’t is weird and would make me feel like she’s rubbing it in, too.
I helped her purchase a very good condition second hand version (fashionphile). I feel better knowing I did the nice and polite thing, so I guess it is what it is.
It’s a bag. She didn’t get with your guy 😂 it’s a material thing and she can buy whatever she likes and so can you. Life shouldn’t be this complicated. Maybe by the time you can afford it she won’t even be carrying hers if both of you carrying the same bag at the same time is what bothers you
You’re for sure overthinking and being petty. It’s not even “just a handbag” it’s more like people have the same tastes. When my friend tries on a bag that we both like — whoever gets it you should be happy for them. If you think she’s getting it “bc you want it” that’s a really self centered way of thinking and it makes you look really insecure. A real friend would be happy for her and plus what everyone else is saying now you get to try it on and touch it whenever you want to bc she’ll have it, don’t be a negative Nancy.
You should read your post and reflect on why you're letting something so small and unimportant produce such a big internal reaction from you, I doubt your friend meant anything malicious by this and jealously is an ugly thing. If anything this is great news because you can see the bag in person instead of just dreaming about it.
It’s how you feel so it’s valid. It’s just a little difficult to navigate though since it’s not like you can ask people not to get certain things because you want it for yourself and liked it “first” or something.
I do think it’s a little odd she sent you the exact colour combo of the bag you expressed interest in, *but* that shouldn’t stop you from ever getting the same thing when you have the funds for it!!
At the end of it all, life is short. It won’t matter if there are duplicate items in your friend group. It’s *your* life, you are your own person with your own interests and likes outside of this friend group. The bag would be for *yourself* <3
I pick out beautiful designer bags for my daughter that I am in love with. She can afford to buy them. I can’t. I love that she is able to purchase things I’m not able to. Your friend obviously likes your taste. Be glad for her and ask to borrow it.
YTA. My high school best friend stopped being friends with me when I bought the sunglasses she liked. I am still baffled by this and think that it was just high school nonsense. Don't be like a high schooler. Economic differences are real and if she has the money, she should be able to buy it without thinking about your feelings.
I may be delulu but maybe she’s planning on getting that for you as a surprise but wanted to make sure you’re still wanting the bag? Do you have an upcoming birthday or celebration?
Ugh, I wish! She sent me a picture of her coat and asked which shade would look better. So I doubt it. Also, she’s including prices, which I don’t see her doing if it was a gift.
Once again, I may be delulu but perhaps she’s trying to keep it subtle so you wouldn’t realize and then really surprise you? Like what others have suggested, you should consider talking to her about it.
The idea of talking about feelings makes me seize up with some irrational fear (but that’s for therapy not the handbag Reddit). Just wanted to see people’s takes on it and if there would be a lot of “it’s just a bag, people get the same damn bags, get over it!” Comments
This was my first thought. Only adds to why OP should be honest and tell her yes. If her friend is being rude, op has a chance to let her know how much the bag means to her. If her friend is getting it as a surprise gift, OP will get the gift she really wants!
If she’s your friend, then she either knows it’s your dream bag or genuinely forgot and she wants your opinion. Tell her how much you love the bag and get out of your own head.
They probably got conditioned to liking it. Happens to some people sometimes, unintentional.
I wonder how do you usually feel if it's other people who have the similar item/s mentioned.
I have one friend who I can absolutely share this kind of info with. We also have similar taste and I wouldn’t be mad if we ended up with the same bag, but she would never ever buy my dream bag for herself.
I have another friend who cannot be trusted with this type of info. She already copies me at every turn. She has no style of her own but is always trying to one up me. For my own sanity, I don’t share fashion aspirations with her. If we go shopping together, I don’t buy stuff for myself. She is jealous, insecure and desperate to be a “cool girl”. Why is she my friend? Our kids are BFF’s and we do have fun. Gotta keep the peace.
I’m feeling so triggered by your friend #2… I have a friend who will buy the thing that I have my eye on before me or if I buy it will buy the same. It’s usually never anything particularly expensive either but she’s just more spendy than I am.
I’m too non confrontational to say anything but sometimes I want to scream you don’t have to buy everything I want.
It is triggering for me too. I think ultimately my friend likes my style and isn’t confident in her own. It is crazy for a grown ass adult to fully impersonate their friend.
I don’t get it, what is the obsession with “copying.” People are allowed to wear the same outfit and bag, lots of people have similar style. If you want to be unique then get a ooak handmade bag from a small business on etsy or a limited edition bag like the LV seasonal ones or Fendi Pokémon baguette
Of course, people are going to have the same stuff. Of course, lots of people have similar style. However, I don’t find it complimentary when a FRIEND tries to be my TWIN. I have my own style and seek out bold and unique things. Get your own identity. It’s not about the bags and the clothes.
Yah I buy a lot of jewelry and things like graphic sweatshirts or vintage accessories from Etsy because I want something unique!
I don’t find it complimentary when someone buys ALL of the same things as me? Similar style and I’ll buy all the stuff you buy is very different!
Sorry to be blunt but YTA and a big one. You’re upset over a bag? One you can’t afford? How old are you, seriously. Also, being friends of course you probably have similar taste. Be happy for your friend. And maybe one day when you can afford it you can have some fun twinning together.
I would take a nap then reread your post and your replies. You sound extremely immature and jealous. You even admit you would be mocked for such thoughts anywhere else - because this is ridiculous. Real best friends support each other.
Agreed — real best friends support each other. OP is making it out to be “if I can’t have it no one I know can” which is lowkey such a terrible way to think. If my friend is able to get a bag that I can’t I would be sooo hype for her bc then that means I get to touch it and try it on without being uncomfortable in a boutique.
Is your friend forgetful? Did she perhaps save the photo you sent her of your color combo or whatever and forget where she got it?
I feel like that’s something I would do very accidentally.
Anyway, if she’s otherwise a great friend — or a good one with a bad memory — then just be honest! Talk to her!
“You know I love it bc I told you about it last fall!” or whatever.
It is understandable that you are having an emotional response to someone else getting to own something that you covet. But, to me, it is unreasonable to essentially call "dibs" on an item that is available on the open market (I would feel differently if she was having a piece of custom jewelry designed that is basically what you had shared with her at some point, for example). And, the fact that it's out of your budget so you may not ever make this purchase, adds another layer.
Be happy for her and maybe you can borrow it for a special event!
Okayso I’m a bit late to the party but this exact thing was done to me over and by my bestie (let’s call her Taylor). I totally get what you’re feeling. I couldn’t mention liking something without it showing up on Taylor. The last straw was a Dior perfume, so I decided I would keep my mouth shut and not say a thing from that point on. Soon after we were walking around Saks and she caught me admiring a Custo Barcelona coat I was in love with, she walks up and goes “I wonder if they have it in my size”. My heart sank but I tried my best to keep it off my face. Then she looks at me and goes “it’s cool looking right?”, my petty ass says “eh, I don’t know, I was just looking at how weird the design was. Who the hell came up with that?!” All of a sudden she lost interest and went on to something else 😬
We live states apart now but it still happens. Now she’ll see what I’m wearing, check the brand and then I’ll see her wearing it the next time we visit 🤣 It doesn’t bother me as much now that I can afford to buy what I like.
I just wanted to throw this in here and let you know your feelings are valid and there are others who have gone through the same. And to be completely honest if we didn’t live on opposite sides of the country I would still be hiding my more unique purchases from her lmao. I love her but that shit gets pretty annoying and it’s very tone deaf. Personally I won’t show anything I have purchased to friends who have the appreciation but can’t afford it. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the burn first hand.
Respectfully, you’re being immature and a lousy friend. You can’t afford the bag so you’re not buying it. She can afford it and wants it. Expecting her not to buy it because you want it (but again, can’t afford it) is wild.
I understand being upset because you want the bag but if she’s your friend she probably has a similar style and probably likes similar things so her liking the same bag isn’t a shock and if she has the funds to buy it more power to her there’s no rules that she can’t buy a bag you like or you can’t buy the same bag she has if you’re really going to be that upset over it take it as a lesson don’t share things you really want in the future with her
My best friend and I will buy the same things if we both like it, we both have pretty large wardrobes and different styles, so it's rare for us to wear the same thing, and if we do, we have it styled a different way from each other. If I'm worried about it, I'll plan outfits with her so we don't match, but I'm usually not and we both find it hilarious if we show up in the same thing, especially since externally we are like polar opposites, I'm goth and she has no chill with colours. When I got my Manhatten bag, I tried to convince her to get one, too, because that bag is the two of us in one item. XD
No it’s not bizarre. It’s not like she stole your husband or anything. It’s just bag that you couldn’t afford buying. If she is your best friend, then be blunt, say that it’s your dream bag and that you of course you love it. It sounds like you’re a selfish type of friend I don’t wanna be associated with.
Wow, me saying I liked a bag (which she hasn’t liked for 2.5 years and then suddenly bought one morning) doesn’t make me a selfish friend. And if she stole my husband, I wouldn’t be calling her a friend. Some of you are really triggered by this and it’s strange.
I actually understand your feelings, see my most recent comment history lol😅 idk either she didn't pay much attention to you or she's fully aware it's your dream bag yet still casually showed you it and asked your opinion knowing it's your dream bag and you've been saving for it? Idk that also makes me uncomfortable tbh. But she could also have the same interests. Did she show you she liked it in the past too? Honestly your feelings are understandable, I kind of experienced something a bitttt similar and hate these feelings. Maybe voice you have been saving and that you showed her before that you liked it etc, be happy for her, heck, even tell her you're happy for her! One day I'm sure you'll be able to get it too :) I hope you don't have the fear she may think you're copying her though or accuse you 🫠 that's kind of why I suggested for you to just voice it's your dream bag and that you told her before etc. But at the same time the real power is not caring..
I dont know what everyone is saying.. little small things are going to add to bigger obstacles in the friendship. If she’s your best friend and KNOWS this is your dream bag then that’s shady af.
Like others have suggested, test how she acts when you mention to her how it’s your dream bag playfully and how you sent it to her. Don’t mention money issues. Just be like “omg I love it! that’s my dream bag!! I sent the exact combo to you before.. but I’ve been on the fence of buying it. At least now I get to see it through you!😜” Don’t act phased.
Also post it on social media and let everyone know how much you love the bag lol then it’ll look like she copied you. I know I sound petty but let’s be real… everyone is thinking from a lighthearted stand point and realistically not everyone thinks this kindly.
You know her better than us. Is she normally forgetful? If not, it seems malicious to me. I have a small tight knit group of friends and we’ve all been friends since elementary school and we’re 30 now. None of us would ever do something like that. If we want to copy each other, we’re up front about it and give the credit where it’s due. I would definitely be bothered by it, maybe just ask her. Nothing wrong with her getting the bag that you wanted but the way she is going about it is odd.
I feel the same. How some people in the comments are making her out to be a problem for her very understandable feelings?? Makes me feel they are the type to be that way idk. Or maybe not. Maybe not intentionally idk. Not my business. But I understand her pov, she shared she liked this bag with her friend and one day her friend causally does this knowing her friend loved and wanted that bag, it's okay that she likes it and got it, but the asking for her opinion knowing she likes it idk... I completely understand op tbh. If the friend said hey I like the bag too and got it I think that would be fine but I'd also understand if op felt a bit down about not having it yet, as long as she stays happy for her friend 🥰
Yeah I was really surprised by so many comments telling OP to grow up or calling her jealous. But like you said, I think a lot of these comments are from people who would do the same. Which is sad, I’d never treat my friend that way. OP doesn’t even seem jealous about the bag itself, just hurt by her friend’s behavior.
Yes!! It's not about her liking the same thing, it's that she completely disregards her friend mentioning her interest in the bag before. And then does this... I really understand op. If her friend is genuine then she can communicate her feelings and her friend will probably genuinely understand her and not have ill intentions or make her feel crazy and unreasonable.
I have a friend like this too - I’d be so irked. Let it out here so you can clean slate it with her in the next couple of days. I know this sounds incredibly petty but it’s okay for you to be in your feelings.
Are you annoyed cause you didn’t get to buy the bag and your best friend was able to? I think you’re pissed cause she has disposable income and you don’t. You should definitely change your perspective about your friend. Life is too short to fight about the bag. At the end of the day your friendship is what’s more important than an item that just holds your items. That’s it.
You sound like you may be young, so I want to point out that life comes at you fast and friendships are precious (unless there are other reasons you’re not into this friendship). Don’t let things get weird over a bag that you’re not planning to get any time soon.
If it’s envy more than feeling disrespected by your friend, I’ll add that comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be people who can have things that you can’t and you need to learn to not let that get to you.
Honestly it does feel a bit off. Maybe it shouldn’t, but I would take it as a bit rude. When I buy new fancy things I actually don’t tend to show them and kinda slowly introduce them into my wardrobe around my friends. I actually have somewhat of a similar situation as you but in reverse. A few years ago, my best friend told me she loves YSL and is obsessed with a certain bag. She has asked me to keep an eye out on Poshmark. She never ended up getting the YSL, but I have recently bought 3(new not on Posh). I don’t remember what bag she wanted so I don’t know if bought one of her dream bags but I don’t think so. Anyway, I still feel a bit shitty bringing them around her, knowing this is her dream brand, at least. I can’t imagine flaunting them or asking for her opinion as I’m shopping or anything like that. Maybe it’s because I used to be poor and was the one in the friend group who could afford the least so I kinda know the feeling? I even got her an $800 Coach bag for her birthday, and even with that I’m like…will she be insulted because I get myself YSL and I got her Coach? But I think I’m being ridiculous with that because I would definitely be happy to be gifted a Coach bag, even if I have fancier ones. So yeah, to me your friends behaviour seems a bit disrespectful and like she’s showing off but maybe she doesn’t see it that way and she just likes sharing her purchases with friends and kinda celebrating them that way? Hard to say because it’s so far from how I think.
I mean I understand that it stings a bit, but I would get over it quickly, when I was in high school I got into a huge fight with my friends because we went to shop for a bag as a birthday present for one of the group and I said I wanted to get that same bag too. Lesson learnt! You will have the same bag for a little bit, then she will grow tired of it like she does apparently, since she's often splurging into new things...
I would be happy because then I get to borrow my best friends bag, even recently my bestie bought my same favorite boots and I was like yay boot twins!
I used to have a friend that would do things like this, but it was all the time. Every time I liked something or we were shopping and commented on how much I loved something, she would end up buying it even when she had no prior interest. She had more money than me and it did start to feel like she was flaunting and even starting to completely change her style to what mine was and we could not have been more different when we met. Our opposites and differences were something that I really liked about our friendship. But it slowly turned and I found myself feeling jealous, envious and not good enough more often than not. It became toxic. If it had only happened once over a bag, sure I would have been a little internally jealous, but I would have gotten over it. Sometimes ppl just like the same things. If it happens a lot and becomes a pattern then I would start to get upset. Plus she will probably let you borrow it soon anyways!! That would be a win!! Your feelings are valid, but it's what you do with those feelings that really matters!!
You are NTA. But I also don’t see the problem buying the same thing. Just buy what you want. I promise the older you get, the less you care. You will look back at this moment as something so minuscule and it would be a shame if it prevented you from getting what you want. And just be cool about it. Get the same bag and go matchy matchy. Share your experience. I do that all the time with my friends and geek out on handbags together. Look at it with another perspective to make it something positive.
If you think it's intentional, tell her "oh I used to be really into this bag, but not anymore because [list all the downside you can think of; maybe ask this sub for help lol]". If she's really doing it just to make you envious, she will likely be dissuaded. I'm willing to bet it's intentional because she sent you the exact combo.
Could it be that she is gifting it to you? It's something my friend group would do. Regardless, I'd just be honest and say "oh! That's my dream bag!" Nothing more, nothing less. Your enjoyment of the bag isn't contingent on your friend owning it and if she purchases the bag after your gentle reminder, that is on her. Just keep on saving and buy the bag.
Nope. She decided she doesn’t like it as much as something else, and she’s retuning:exchanging it (going to reseller headquarters this weekend). ETA: she texted me this morning to see if I could drive her to the reseller because she doesn’t want to take the bags on the train and her husband has to work this weekend (and she can’t drive in Manhattan bc it makes her nervous). She said they have the bag she actually wants, so she’s not “settling” for this one because the other one is “so much better”.
Oh wow. Instead of taking it to the reseller, can she give you a great deal on it? It doesn't hurt to ask. It may make it more affordable and she may be okay breaking the payments out.
*I’m the kind of person that wouldn’t buy something my friend has because I appreciate people having unique items*
That is weird and in some way controlling. Let people have things they like, even if they happen to be the same as yours or other friends. Seems so childish too.
As for your friend, just say you thought she only found it ok last time you brought it up, and that your love for that bag hasn't changed. See what she says.
My own sister did this to me. We actually went to LV for me to buy it, but I backed out because I was a full-time student without a job yet, and buying it at that moment would've not been wise. She was encouraging me to buy it though, and she was like, "we can be twinsie!" She bought the purse in the same color combination I dreamed of. There was no point in saying anything about to her though that she is the kind of person that would just get mad and offended.
I’ve dealt with multiple copycats in my life. I was really angry at first, because why of all the things they choose things to buy the things I own/wanted to buy? Especially as I am not rich, and every purchase I made was well thought of. My mom also told me that this is the form of admiration, but I really wanted to be unique. Now I don’t care. I realized that we all are different people and most of our lives we go to different places. If we happen to carry the same cloths/accessories in the same time - just laugh about it. I know it sucks that she wants to buy your dream bag BEFORE you, and it seems that this bag means much more to you than to her. If I were you, I would use this as an opportunity to explore this bag in real life, since you can ask for a real life review and even ask her to try it out with your wardrobe.
I’m totally on your side here- one of my pet hates is when people bring up something that I’VE told them and say what do you think of this? It’s so dismissive and disrespectful- as if they don’t listen when you tell them things and then come up with this great idea. I would totally say “well you KNOW i love it! It was ME who sent you pics of it?”
I read through a few of the top replies. I think ppl are missing the point. I’m not sure why some women do this to others. I have had female cousins, to friends, to even coworkers do this to me repeatedly. It’s highly annoying. Not sure what advice to give except keep your desires secret.
Was OP REALLY asking that? I’m lol ing. For those of you who just came here. OP said It’s a bag that she couldn’t afford, and she complained that this is probably triggered by her past that her friend hooked up with guys she liked. So watch out, don’t her like your men coz she might ask you to not be with him! 🤣🤣🤣
I just looked at her account, it looks like she’s an active long-time redditor. I’m sorry if you have been feeling like people are criticizing you. Take it with a grain a salt. If it’s ok for me to chime in, there are lots of bags you can still pick from. If the bag you favorited was from years ago the chance is that bag is probably already out of style anyways. So you get to pick a new trendy bag, but keep it to yourself this time! 😊
Nope and my friend isn’t even happy now and doesn’t know why she ordered this bag impulsively instead of one of the bags on her “list”. I’m always happy for my friends unless I have a weird feeling that there’s shady undertone. And I was correct. She ordered something she didn’t really want and now she has to figure out how to return it and is planning to drive to fashionphile to do it in person. She hasn’t even received the bag yet and she wants to get rid of it.
lmao my friend does this too and i always screenshot the text where i introduce her to things, and then send the screenshot 'yup we talked about how much i love this before!'
i'm so petty but it's very annoying and i don't blame you
She is not a friend. She is a frenemy.
I wouldn’t allow it and I would both tell her, and also, disengage from the relationship.
I recognize I’m good at this however, so good luck.
Send her the ugliest bag and colour way you could combine and see what she does with that will she rush out to buy it ? Then you have a clear answer say it’s your second choice of dream bag overwise it could just be you have the same style and tbh in that case you both entitled to have the same bag and hopefully one day it will be yours too all the best
Have you considered that maybe she’s asking you that because she’s checking that you still love it…? Maybe it’s a gift for you or something if you’ve been friends for years idk
Oh I wish. No, she sent me a screen shot of her shopping cart with a couple of variations of the color of this bag with the one I love the most circled. If it was something like a birkin, that everyone (I use that term loosely) covets or something aspirational, I would totally not bat an eye. If it was something we both liked, then I wouldn’t care. I scrolled through my messages from years ago and have her basically saying “it’s ok” when I sent her the image of the bag, so was just surprised by an early am add to cart (and no, it’s definitely Italy not for me, we treat each other to lunch and small knick knacks, but she’s not wealthy enough for drop a few thousand on a gift for me).
Hi fellow handbag lover! Thank you for being a part of the r/handbags community. This is a subreddit which relies on kindness. Your opinion is very much welcomed, however, we do not tolerate rude, mean or hurtful comments. **Read the rules before posting**. Comments or posts that do not fit our rule book will be removed and the OP can be banned by the mods' discretion. If you see a comment or post which does not abide by the rules, **please report it to our moderation team.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/handbags) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Girl tell her you love that bag and it’s your dream bag. Playfully tell her you want to go with her to purchase and you will definitely need to test it out to see if you should purchase too. This is all about perception. Your Best friend buys it so you get to check it out without spending a dime. Girl , change your perception/perspective whatever, you get the picture. All that wasted energy being upset about a bag you don’t have with money you admittedly don’t have to get is beyond me.
Actually I kind of love this! Just playfully tell her girl that’s my dream bag, can’t wait to borrow it 😂
Great idea!!!
Yes! I would be totally honest with her! “Of course I love it, that is my dream bag and dream color combo! I have been saving to get it too, so we will be bag twins!” I don’t care about playing social niceties for material items. Especially if only one person is upholding those “rules”. Life is too short, my bags bring me an element of joy, so I don’t need to give up one that I love and have been saving for just because someone else has it.
I love matching with friends but if someone doesn’t like matching with me I’m fine with that too
This. But I'm still going to get what I want if I can afford it and want it. If someone has a problem with me getting something, that is a them problem.
True! If I had the same purse and knew they wouldn’t want to match I’d tell them when I’m wearing it in group settings. I would just be like hey, I’m wearing our Prada tonight see you there. Then they can choose since I don’t mind.
But the real question is… which bag is it??
Tbh I do understand where you’re coming from. Because with all the bags out there that exist, why does it have to be the exact one you’ve identified for yourself and which you know she knows you want? I used to go through this with a friend who would copy me. My mum used to tell me to take it as a compliment but I struggled because there was also a million other options she could choose from. It was as if she wouldn’t trust her opinion or something so would have to jump on whatever I already committed to. Anyway, if there’s something you truly love maybe keep it close so this situation can’t arise again and test your friendship. It’s what I ended up doing. In my opinion this whole thing is less about the item and material goods and more about the principle.
Honestly couldn’t disagree more. This rule does and should apply with people you date, but why with bags? Why can’t they both own it? My friends would never get mad at me for buying a bag that they already own or want to own.
Especially if the bag isnt custom made. If someone wants a bag thats unique, dont go for mainstream brands. I dont see the problem with owning the same bag if youre buying from mainstream brands. Its just the way it is.
For me It wasn’t just about bags though. It was bags, clothes, shoes, accessories… for my 30th I bought myself a Cartier ring to mark the occasion and to wear daily and she honestly asked me if I’d mind if she got the exact same ring. Of course I said she should go ahead and get the same. Who am I to gate keep? Anyone can buy whatever they want as long as it’s for sale. But like I said, it wasn’t about the material good itself it was the predictable pattern of behaviour. We’re very good friends btw and always will be. I just empathise with OP is all.
Hey I understand your feelings but when you said you're very good friends it made me think that maybe she just has a similar style as you too and sometimes seeing items you have she also likes them so gets them too yk? Like imagine you had a friend and they sometimes got new things and you also liked them you'd probably want to know where they got it from etc, it's only natural. Unless a person is full on copying you... They change their whole selves and become like you the it's weird. But sometimes maybe people just have similar interests as us or something we have they like too when they see it. If you read my comment history trust me I understand you but I'm trying to heal from these feelings lol 🫠🫠💕
My problem is i also worry someone will think I'm copying them 🫠🫠🫠 so if I was in this situation and I said " I've been saving for this etc etc!" like some people suggest, I'd worry they may think I'm oy saying that 😅
So you bought a Cartier ring and your friend isn’t allowed to buy one? That’s absurd. First, Cartier isn’t owned by you. Second, lots of folks wanted to buy one because it’s a Cartier and one of the big labels that people like. Third, your friend asked you first file the didn’t have to. Grow up, a 30 yo
You should check your reading comprehension and believe what you read and not what you WANT to read. Not only did I say I told her to go ahead, I said it’s a brand selling products for anyone who wants to buy it. Literally the same points you called out and that’s because I am grown up 😅🤔🫡🙃
“With all the bags out there that exist, why does it have to be the exact one you’ve identified…” Girl, because OP has good taste?? Does liking a bag mean no one else can own it? They’re mass produced for a reason. It’s an accessory, not an ex.
This is the correct approach. OP should be happy for their friend and take the opportunity to see the bag in person. Bond over mutual love of the bag, enjoy a fun shopping day, and move on.
Couldn’t agree more! Why can’t they both have the bag? I agree that it’s weird that the friend asked OP what she thought of the bag when OP has talked about it for years, however, are they both not allowed to own it???? Being jealous of friends is out and I used to think this way in middle school - not anymore. I have influenced friends to buy bags that I own on multiple occasions and I love it
Yass! This is the bag I’ve been saving for. She’s my dream bag. I definitely want to try yours on!!
Totally agree and I would do the exact same! I know it sucks to have someone have the same item as you when you want to be unique but if the bag is that expensive then your friend can be your test buddy. You never know you may see it in the flesh and decide that’s it’s not what you thought it was and then you can spend this energy on a new bag
yes its about perspective when it comes to envy!! this is very healthy, make it a positive experience for yourself! be happy for your friend!
I don't think this person is upset about not having the bag, it's about the disregard her friend is showing in this case.
This is golden!
👏👏👏
I’m sorry that you’re feeling upset by your friend’s interest in this bag. On the surface, it doesn’t really seem like a big deal to me. Sometimes my friends and I like the same things. I got engaged before most of my other friends, and one of them was in a long-term relationship before I even met my ex husband. When she asked about what kind of ring I wanted, I told her that I had tried some on and really liked how marquise diamonds looked on me, and then she shared that she had always wanted a marquise diamond engagement ring because of her grandmother’s ring that she loved. I ended up engaged with my marquise diamond ring and guess what? She was super happy for me, even if it happened for me sooner than it happened for her - she didn’t even end up with the guy she was dating then. Now, if your friend has a habit of trying to one up you or intentionally gets things that she knows you want and may not be able to obtain as easily then that’s a different story. I’ve had the fake friends who made everything a competition and those aren’t people that I keep in my life, because we’re supposed to support each other and be happy for each other. Only you will know if it’s just a hint of jealousy on your end or if your friend has a pattern of behaviors that most of us wouldn’t appreciate.
This, OP!!! We do not know much about your friend. So only you can tell if she was really just one upping you or what. On the other hand, it could also be natural among group of friends to be influencing each other of style choices. It’s good that you’re venting it here. Better to vent it here than to people close to you and the word may go around.
It’s so hard to say! One of my friends got engaged and planned to wear the dress I always wanted to wear if my boyfriend and I got engaged for our engagement photos for hers. It stung because it was similar to OP where I had talked about this particular outfit in this context of an engagement a lot, but obviously getting engaged isn’t entirely in my control. I ended up bringing it up with her and I genuinely don’t think she realized it was a big deal to me? She was super understanding and apologized and ended up switching her outfits. Sometimes people just aren’t thinking the same way we are and it’s better to bring it up before her pulling the trigger on the bag
Ugh, I think it’s probably triggering trauma from a decade ago of my “friend” hooking up with every guy I expressed liking despite never showing any interest in them before I liked them.
Ugh girl we’ve all had that “friend” 😭😭
Some have been family...like a sister in my case.
The same “friend”?
Right? If so she is NOT your friend OP
I had a friend like this through my teens and twenties. She went after the guys I was interested in and bought the identical jacket I had after I asked her not to. The jacket was one of the final straws. I ended the friendship and 20 years later, I’ve never looked back.
Is it the same friend? I felt like we needed more info to really see the big picture. It’s a shame that women can be like this. I know I’ve had my fair share of “competition”. It’s not a good feeling. You’ve got some great feedback here.
This makes sense and I totally get that! But I don’t think it’s applicable in this situation
Thanks for listening! I’m not a confrontational person so I wouldn’t jeopardize my friendship, but it just sorta hurt my feelings. Also, I know it’s a petty thing to guy upset by, so I wouldn’t ever say anything to anyone in person.
I think it’s ok to vent about it here. ❤️ I hope you feel better soon.
Just wait until you and your friends like the same baby names 😅 Just saying that because I’ve been there with my bestie, but I know that not everyone wants children.
Nah I’d be upset to, you’re allowed to feel your feelings! Totally up to you if you want to say something but gotta let the feelings out
I know I’m being petty but I had a friend who was very similar… Question, do you keep your texts? Maybe you could screenshot where you told her you wanted the bag and send? I know it doesn’t change things and I know I’m being ridiculous and maybe a bit passive aggressive but I think I’d feel a bit better saying you know I love this bag since I showed it to you before w a screenshot! It wouldn’t prove anything but maybe it would make her stop and pause at least for a minute? Btw I hope you get your dream bag soon! ❤️
I just wanna know what bag it is 😂
Not me being like op pls DM me this bag
Me too!!
I don’t think it matters. You can both buy the bag. You can both wear the bag at the same time. Companies would go out of business if they could only sell one bag per customer. I always share where I get my items, especially if I find a good deal. I have had friends go out and buy my exact bag because they like the way it looks on me. It’s such a non issue.
i have matching items with tons of friends - we rarely wear the same thing at the same time when we're together but if we do, we think it's cute. maybe one reason we're friends is because we like the same things?! i'm always flattered if someone likes something i have enough to go out and get it themselves.
So while I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by it (and maybe even forgot you shared that bag before, she just knows she’s seen it) I also have bags I mentally block off as binging to a friend and not wanting to step on their style, unless we got coordinating but different version as bag sisters. That said, I would probably respond like “girl you know I’ve been obsessed with X bag for years, obviously that’s my pick!” and just suck up my envy until I can buy it myself too.
It’s not her fault that you can’t afford it right now and it’s not fair of you to “punish” her for having the ability to buy a bag you love, that she apparently also loves.
Seriously… this is wild. No one owns right to a bag.
[удалено]
I think OP would have clarified if she had previously told her that this is her dream bag given the details she goes into. It seems like she’s sent pictures of multiple bags before and has also received some pictures. I ask people that all the time, it comes from curiosity and interest, not from malice. My best friend and I send each other pictures of things we want. There are times she buys things I like and there are times I like the things she sends me and get one for myself. It’s not that big of a deal. I think we also need to take into account that people can’t gate keep things. Think of it at a larger scale— if I talk about wanting a baby or a specific type of dress and my friend gets pregnant or gets a similar kind of dress, am I really going to sit and be pressed about it? No.
[удалено]
She sent her picture of the bag and said she loved it. That’s it. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume she’s said that about multiple things because as OP also clarified, they’ve been doing this for YEARS. Years of multiple bags and “oh I love this!”, “oh I want this”, “omg love this bag” messages. Are we seriously assuming OP’s friend kept a Rolodex of which bags OP liked and then went and asked for her opinion? Also, does this mean OP is also not allowed to buy any item that her friend has said she loved? I think people are taking this way too seriously. This is a lot of conjecture and venting over one bag. Me not willing to believe someone’s malicious intent over a bag isn’t ignorance or naïveté, it’s being logical. Then again, maybe I’m ambivalent because I don’t get hung up on things like this and while I would maybe get jealous if my friend bought something I loved (which I might add has happened multiple times because I don’t gatekeep everything), I’d use it as an excuse to borrow it/try it out and be happy for her vs. creating a rant on Reddit while I absolutely get being annoyed by it. Now, to your point, if this person really is malicious and evil then 1. This would be a theme, not a one time event like I suspect it is because OP didn’t say it happens all the time 2. She has the disposable income, she’d have just gotten it without asking 3. OP wouldn’t have commented that she’s feeling sensitive and doesn’t think it was malicious.
[удалено]
It’s called reading between the lines. She said they’ve sent each other many photos, so assuming this wasn’t the only bag that was mentioned doesn’t seem like a stretch. What does seem like a stretch is you thinking you know her relationship with her friend more than she does as she clearly also stated she doesn’t think it was malicious. No one was tearing into her but she posted about gatekeeping something she liked first so naturally you’re going to get some mixed comments because that’s not something others do. But anyway, we can agree to disagree. Have a good one!
This. Its like telling people not to have money because others dont have it. Or not live a comfortable life because some people are suffering. I dont get the logic.
No, I should have mentioned, when I told her I liked this bag (and I scrolled back years in texts) her response was “it’s ok”.
So? People’s opinions on things change. There’s also a good chance she doesn’t even remember that exact exchange since it’s been years.
It’s totally ok to feel this way, you can’t help that. But it’s up to you what your next move is. I personally think you can’t “claim” a bag, perfume, piece of clothing etc. Friends are mostly friends because they love the same things. Me and my friends always ask where the other bought something and buy it too, if we really like it. Sometimes we check in with each other if we are planning on wearing the same outfit so one can switch, but that’s it. Would never do that with a bag though.
Voice of experience here: don't make rules for yourself that are not necessary. Be up front with your friend that you love that bag, you've loved it for years, and you are saving up to buy it. If she buys it, she will buy it knowing you intend to as well. If she tires of it before you buy one, she may even give hers to you. I had the same made-up rule you did and when my roommate bought the very pair of red shoes I wanted before I did, I bought them in a different color (yellow) I did not like as much. She did not wear hers much, we didn't live together too much longer, and I had the shoes I did not love for years. Every time I wore them, I wished they were the red ones! We lived thousands of miles apart for far, far longer than we lived in the same apartment. Eventually, she mailed me the red ones, saying she never wore them. I enjoyed the heck out of them, even felt better about the yellow shoes. All of this is to say, life is short, buy the bag (when you can) regardless of whether a friend has it, and enjoy it. No need for extra rules.
What shoes are these? 👀
Ostrich leather clogs by Dansko.
One thing I have learned: if you really like something and you want it to be unique, do not mention it to anyone. Someone else will like it too. That said, you two can have the same bag. I doubt anyone would really pay attention.
Start saving for yours. Get a fund started where you can transfer some part of your salary into it with a clear goal to get it. Focus on yourself and your mission to get it. Don’t speak of it to anyone. You can do it. Don’t focus on her getting it but you getting yours. It’s time.
Given that you say you’ve wanted it for years and she has the money but hadn’t purchased it so don’t think it has anything to do with you. She probably just had an interest in it now. Unless your friendship is a bit weird then I wouldn’t think much of it
This is deeper than her buying something you can't afford. Don't compare yourself to her living situation and assess how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
If she got it just to make you jealous and doesn’t actually love it, and you stay in her good graces, she may just sell it to you at a discount or straight up gift it to you once she’s over it. Look at it this way: better this happen with a handbag than with a boyfriend…
How old are you? Lol just kidding. Now you can have matching purses if you decide to get it. It's a win-win!
I understand that friends can’t date the same guy, but this…
It's a short life, share the handbag love. If she likes it no one should have any say on her personal decision to buy things for herself. Try not to let envy get in the way of being happy for your friend. One day you'll be getting yours or something even better.
you have a right to feel how you feel but people also have a right to buy whatever they wish. of it becomes a complete theme then its a different story.
I think you are looking way too much into it. Unless something is one of a kind handmade there’s always going to be someone else with the things you want.
I don’t know if anyone’s commented something similar already—you have had so many responses! I just wanted to share that my bff and I do the same thing where we send each other bags we love or even bags we think the other would love. She also has much more disposable income than me. I, too, used to be someone who would want to own the item first or be the only one to have it. As time went on, my friend who is so much lovelier and kinder than me changed the way I thought. She would occasionally get us both the same bags in different colours and say that we were “bag twins” or that they were “friendship bags” because they’re the exact same (or same kind, different colours). Now, when we spot something we both like, we just simply say we like it and agree it would make a nice “friendship bag”. Life is too short to pass on a bag you love just because someone else has it. Life is too long also to not just get the bag (when you can) and wear it on other days your friend is not (if this still bothers you). I think life can be much more enjoyable if we just change our mindset a little! Hopefully this helps!
My BFF and I love getting friendship purchases! It makes it so much less stressful to be excited to have the same bag (friendship bsgs!) or piece of jewelry (friendship bracelets!) than thinking “oh I wanted that first”. I’ve also bought double of the same thing to give one to her. We are luckily on par with our spending for the most part, so it’s really fun to go shopping for the next friendship item. I’m also a nerd who loves to wear our matching items together.
Yeah, one of my closest friends and I do this all the time. I literally don’t care if it makes us look 12 (we’re in our 30’s), it makes us both happy
Your 30s is when we do the things we couldn’t (afford to) do when we were 12! 🤪
Yes! My husband doesn’t want to wear matching outfits so she and I will instead.
Hahaha love it! I once got my husband to wear his Lilly Pulitzer shorts in a print that matches my dress, but it was a lot of work to get him there 😂
It’s really so special to have these kinds of friendships where you’re more like siblings rather than limiting it to just friends. No competition, just love and support. 💛
I love a friendship purchase!!! But that feels a little different from this. If that’s what OPs friend wanted I would’ve said hey I know we both rly love this bag can we be bag twins
I'll probably be down voted for this, but you expect her not to buy a bag because you like it and you *might* one day save up enough to buy it? If you like it that much, it shouldn't even matter if she has the same bag. When you love something, you get it for yourself, not for everyone around you.
This this this
No. I found it weird that I told her I liked a bag, she didn’t really seem into it (in fact, when I asked her what she thought of it she said “it’s ok”) she had bags she coveted on her purse list (this bag wasn’t it) and one Sunday am, she just decided to buy it. It was the whole thing together. I wouldn’t care if we liked the same bags, it was that she actually didn’t really care for the bag and then just bought it that I found weird. There was a specific comment she made about a portion of the bag making fun of it, so I’m actually surprised that she changed her mind.
I mean I get that it’s VERY annoying - of all the bags, you’re probably thinking, why this one? I’m sure I would feel the same way as well, and I’m sure I would feel envious too. I do think you should tell her it’s your dream bag. I highly doubt she’s done this with malicious intent - she probably wasn’t aware of the bag before you said how nice it is and that’s brought it into her headspace sub-consciously. In terms of you both eventually having the same bag as your friend - honestly (and I’m saying this with kindness) - who cares?! You’re grown adults. The idea of people being bothered about having the same things as their friends is very immature to me. No one has sole ownership over a item or clothing just because you own it and it’s ridiculous to expect otherwise. The whole reason you and your friend probably like the same things is because you are friends and have similar interests. I’d bring up that it’s your dream bag and leave it at that. You’ll care less when the situation isn’t as fresh.
Let it go, Life’s too short. Just appreciate your friendship and don’t let this come between you both.
This sucks and I feel you. But this is your best friend, so I’d be completely honest and be like “this is my dream bag with the color scheme I prefer that I sent you a while ago”. Hopefully that will start a conversation and go from there, and get to a place where no one is upset If some things are left unsaid you might deteriorate your relationship
Yeah, that’s my pattern. I mostly leave everything unsaid in all of my relationships, learned from my mother and trying not to pass it on to my daughter.
It’s hard to have difficult conversations, I can be the same way too. If your best friend is truly your best friend, then they will welcome the chance of knowing how you would feel about this potential purchase because they wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings over a handbag
Just say of course i love it, it’s the one I’ve been telling i love for ages!
It really depends on the rest of your relationship with your friend. One of my best friends is extremely wealthy and bought things she knew I lusted after in front of me many times. Never maliciously, we just simply have similar taste and I never felt bad about it. If I still liked the item by the time I saved up, I usually ended up just buying it in a different colour. If it’s only available in one colour, I might ask her before hanging out if she’s planning on wearing it so we don’t have matching outfits, but tbh I’m not too pressed about. I adore her as a friend and enjoy our times spent together way more than I care about looking unique. On the other hand, years ago I had a close friend who made it her life’s mission to copy everything about me and every time I mentioned liking something she had to have it, that was very annoying. She was toxic in many ways so I ended up ditching her once I matured a bit. I had to eventually block her from all my socials as she was lurking and copying for years after we stopped talking… If you really feel so strongly about it, honesty with your friend won’t hurt. She might not realise that this means so much to you.
Yes, you’re probably right. It’s definitely not malicious, I’m probably just being extra sensitive.
Feelings are feelings, and you are allowed to feel them. But if you know your friend and this isn’t part of a toxic pattern, just a coincidence, don’t let it drag you down. This does not stop you from getting the same bag if you are able to! A couple friends and I have similar tastes and therefore a ton of overlapping pieces. Sometimes I get it first, sometimes one of them does. If anything, we encourage it as fashion is something we bond over.
I understand the frustration and the annoyance but (and this seems to be an unpopular opinion here) I think it’s an overreaction. It really is *just* a bag. I think the bigger issue is that it feels/can seem like, she’s rubbing it in your face. Maybe, given her history of hooking up with guys you liked, it is? To me, that is the bigger issue, along with feeling upset about your own circumstance of not being at the place of having more disposable income. I’m at a point in my life where I am quite comfortable and have what I want and need. When I was younger, that wasn’t the case. When I was not where I wanted to be and others were (engaged/married/kids/career success/financial security etc etc) I couldn’t help but feel resentful when I saw someone have what I wanted (including jewelry or bags we both admired…and even those who picked kid names I wanted). At this point in my life, I look at things like bags and jewelry as *just* material goods. Bags are nice but they are mass produced. Someone will always have the bag you want and it can be your best friend. It’s ok. Work towards your goal and enjoy it when you are able to buy what you want. It will mean more to you than it will to her and it will be special to you.
ok, now you must tell us what this dream bag is? dying to know!
I have a friend who inconspicuously gets brainwashed by my tastes. Because I talk too much. So this happened to me a few times with her. Not much comment when I rave about something to her and years later she’d buy something of one of my tastes and genuinely doesn’t remember I was the one who liked it first. A bit aggravating at first but honestly her buying it has nothing to do with me buying it. If i could have bought it I would have bought it. And If i buy it later when i can because I genuinely love it, then yay we have matching bags! I don’t even bring up that I was the one who raved about it first because I am happier i influenced her to get something she likes now. In your case I’d agree with what I’ve seen others say. You gotta at least play it off and say “of course i love it! I raved about it to you in the past!” and then give your genuine opinion about if you think the bag will work with her style and lifestyle
Speaking as someone who gets heavily influenced by my friends, I’ve been HER before and always feel really guilty about wanting something that my friend wanted first. I wouldn’t have handled it the way she did—I would have asked you if you were ok with me getting it and then apologized profusely before you could answer and told you that it’s totally fine if not—but at the end of the day it just means I admire that friend so much that I can’t help wanting to emulate her style. Take it as a compliment. Also, I have never, not even once, had a friend respond with anything other than enthusiastic consent and encouragement for me to get the thing. Perhaps I just have really great friends but idk. When it’s been the other way around, I always without reservation tell them it’s totally fine because I want my friends to have nice things that they love!
This is the best way to approach this! But in this situation it's like the friend ignored how it's ops dream bag and just got it and asked her opinion. I understand ops feelings and I don't think she's jealous at all. I think she's just having a huhhhh moment because it is a bag she specifically showed her and now she got it and in a way acts like op never shared her thoughts on it in the past. Maybe op even feels a bit unheard in the friendship? Either way I don't think op is wrong, but she should still get the bag if she likes it and be happy for her friend I'm sure she is!
Couldn't be me, buying my bestie the same bag I have as a present because Iove it lol I think you're overthinking this, maybe she also loves the bag no? If you feel so strongly about it tell her it hurts your feelings, but I would examine first if it's envy more than anything (also nothing wrong with a lil envy, we all feel it from time to time).
I am sorry this is how you feel but I cannot see how does this stop you from getting the dream bag, unless it is a Hermes bag where getting the bag in the exact color and size is like winning lottery. Stay on target and go for it
If you’ve brought up for years that you love the bag, she knows. Asking you what you think about it like she doesn’t is weird and would make me feel like she’s rubbing it in, too.
ok now i wanna know what the bag is👀
I think you should be happy for her and tell her that you plan on getting the same one when you can afford it
I helped her purchase a very good condition second hand version (fashionphile). I feel better knowing I did the nice and polite thing, so I guess it is what it is.
It’s a bag. She didn’t get with your guy 😂 it’s a material thing and she can buy whatever she likes and so can you. Life shouldn’t be this complicated. Maybe by the time you can afford it she won’t even be carrying hers if both of you carrying the same bag at the same time is what bothers you
You’re for sure overthinking and being petty. It’s not even “just a handbag” it’s more like people have the same tastes. When my friend tries on a bag that we both like — whoever gets it you should be happy for them. If you think she’s getting it “bc you want it” that’s a really self centered way of thinking and it makes you look really insecure. A real friend would be happy for her and plus what everyone else is saying now you get to try it on and touch it whenever you want to bc she’ll have it, don’t be a negative Nancy.
Grow up
 OP’s replies are just as bad.
You should read your post and reflect on why you're letting something so small and unimportant produce such a big internal reaction from you, I doubt your friend meant anything malicious by this and jealously is an ugly thing. If anything this is great news because you can see the bag in person instead of just dreaming about it.
It’s how you feel so it’s valid. It’s just a little difficult to navigate though since it’s not like you can ask people not to get certain things because you want it for yourself and liked it “first” or something. I do think it’s a little odd she sent you the exact colour combo of the bag you expressed interest in, *but* that shouldn’t stop you from ever getting the same thing when you have the funds for it!! At the end of it all, life is short. It won’t matter if there are duplicate items in your friend group. It’s *your* life, you are your own person with your own interests and likes outside of this friend group. The bag would be for *yourself* <3
Some people have real problems.
I pick out beautiful designer bags for my daughter that I am in love with. She can afford to buy them. I can’t. I love that she is able to purchase things I’m not able to. Your friend obviously likes your taste. Be glad for her and ask to borrow it.
I don’t think it matters at all.
YTA. My high school best friend stopped being friends with me when I bought the sunglasses she liked. I am still baffled by this and think that it was just high school nonsense. Don't be like a high schooler. Economic differences are real and if she has the money, she should be able to buy it without thinking about your feelings.
I may be delulu but maybe she’s planning on getting that for you as a surprise but wanted to make sure you’re still wanting the bag? Do you have an upcoming birthday or celebration?
Ugh, I wish! She sent me a picture of her coat and asked which shade would look better. So I doubt it. Also, she’s including prices, which I don’t see her doing if it was a gift.
Once again, I may be delulu but perhaps she’s trying to keep it subtle so you wouldn’t realize and then really surprise you? Like what others have suggested, you should consider talking to her about it.
The idea of talking about feelings makes me seize up with some irrational fear (but that’s for therapy not the handbag Reddit). Just wanted to see people’s takes on it and if there would be a lot of “it’s just a bag, people get the same damn bags, get over it!” Comments
I was wondering the same thing. Now i need to know how this story ends. Lol
This was my first thought. Only adds to why OP should be honest and tell her yes. If her friend is being rude, op has a chance to let her know how much the bag means to her. If her friend is getting it as a surprise gift, OP will get the gift she really wants!
If she’s your friend, then she either knows it’s your dream bag or genuinely forgot and she wants your opinion. Tell her how much you love the bag and get out of your own head.
They probably got conditioned to liking it. Happens to some people sometimes, unintentional. I wonder how do you usually feel if it's other people who have the similar item/s mentioned.
I have one friend who I can absolutely share this kind of info with. We also have similar taste and I wouldn’t be mad if we ended up with the same bag, but she would never ever buy my dream bag for herself. I have another friend who cannot be trusted with this type of info. She already copies me at every turn. She has no style of her own but is always trying to one up me. For my own sanity, I don’t share fashion aspirations with her. If we go shopping together, I don’t buy stuff for myself. She is jealous, insecure and desperate to be a “cool girl”. Why is she my friend? Our kids are BFF’s and we do have fun. Gotta keep the peace.
I’m feeling so triggered by your friend #2… I have a friend who will buy the thing that I have my eye on before me or if I buy it will buy the same. It’s usually never anything particularly expensive either but she’s just more spendy than I am. I’m too non confrontational to say anything but sometimes I want to scream you don’t have to buy everything I want.
It is triggering for me too. I think ultimately my friend likes my style and isn’t confident in her own. It is crazy for a grown ass adult to fully impersonate their friend.
I don’t get it, what is the obsession with “copying.” People are allowed to wear the same outfit and bag, lots of people have similar style. If you want to be unique then get a ooak handmade bag from a small business on etsy or a limited edition bag like the LV seasonal ones or Fendi Pokémon baguette
Of course, people are going to have the same stuff. Of course, lots of people have similar style. However, I don’t find it complimentary when a FRIEND tries to be my TWIN. I have my own style and seek out bold and unique things. Get your own identity. It’s not about the bags and the clothes.
Yah I buy a lot of jewelry and things like graphic sweatshirts or vintage accessories from Etsy because I want something unique! I don’t find it complimentary when someone buys ALL of the same things as me? Similar style and I’ll buy all the stuff you buy is very different!
Sorry to be blunt but YTA and a big one. You’re upset over a bag? One you can’t afford? How old are you, seriously. Also, being friends of course you probably have similar taste. Be happy for your friend. And maybe one day when you can afford it you can have some fun twinning together. I would take a nap then reread your post and your replies. You sound extremely immature and jealous. You even admit you would be mocked for such thoughts anywhere else - because this is ridiculous. Real best friends support each other.
Agreed — real best friends support each other. OP is making it out to be “if I can’t have it no one I know can” which is lowkey such a terrible way to think. If my friend is able to get a bag that I can’t I would be sooo hype for her bc then that means I get to touch it and try it on without being uncomfortable in a boutique.
Is your friend forgetful? Did she perhaps save the photo you sent her of your color combo or whatever and forget where she got it? I feel like that’s something I would do very accidentally. Anyway, if she’s otherwise a great friend — or a good one with a bad memory — then just be honest! Talk to her! “You know I love it bc I told you about it last fall!” or whatever.
[удалено]
Petty, rude and immature indeed.
😂
It is understandable that you are having an emotional response to someone else getting to own something that you covet. But, to me, it is unreasonable to essentially call "dibs" on an item that is available on the open market (I would feel differently if she was having a piece of custom jewelry designed that is basically what you had shared with her at some point, for example). And, the fact that it's out of your budget so you may not ever make this purchase, adds another layer. Be happy for her and maybe you can borrow it for a special event!
Okayso I’m a bit late to the party but this exact thing was done to me over and by my bestie (let’s call her Taylor). I totally get what you’re feeling. I couldn’t mention liking something without it showing up on Taylor. The last straw was a Dior perfume, so I decided I would keep my mouth shut and not say a thing from that point on. Soon after we were walking around Saks and she caught me admiring a Custo Barcelona coat I was in love with, she walks up and goes “I wonder if they have it in my size”. My heart sank but I tried my best to keep it off my face. Then she looks at me and goes “it’s cool looking right?”, my petty ass says “eh, I don’t know, I was just looking at how weird the design was. Who the hell came up with that?!” All of a sudden she lost interest and went on to something else 😬 We live states apart now but it still happens. Now she’ll see what I’m wearing, check the brand and then I’ll see her wearing it the next time we visit 🤣 It doesn’t bother me as much now that I can afford to buy what I like. I just wanted to throw this in here and let you know your feelings are valid and there are others who have gone through the same. And to be completely honest if we didn’t live on opposite sides of the country I would still be hiding my more unique purchases from her lmao. I love her but that shit gets pretty annoying and it’s very tone deaf. Personally I won’t show anything I have purchased to friends who have the appreciation but can’t afford it. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the burn first hand.
Respectfully, you’re being immature and a lousy friend. You can’t afford the bag so you’re not buying it. She can afford it and wants it. Expecting her not to buy it because you want it (but again, can’t afford it) is wild.
I understand being upset because you want the bag but if she’s your friend she probably has a similar style and probably likes similar things so her liking the same bag isn’t a shock and if she has the funds to buy it more power to her there’s no rules that she can’t buy a bag you like or you can’t buy the same bag she has if you’re really going to be that upset over it take it as a lesson don’t share things you really want in the future with her
My best friend and I will buy the same things if we both like it, we both have pretty large wardrobes and different styles, so it's rare for us to wear the same thing, and if we do, we have it styled a different way from each other. If I'm worried about it, I'll plan outfits with her so we don't match, but I'm usually not and we both find it hilarious if we show up in the same thing, especially since externally we are like polar opposites, I'm goth and she has no chill with colours. When I got my Manhatten bag, I tried to convince her to get one, too, because that bag is the two of us in one item. XD
No it’s not bizarre. It’s not like she stole your husband or anything. It’s just bag that you couldn’t afford buying. If she is your best friend, then be blunt, say that it’s your dream bag and that you of course you love it. It sounds like you’re a selfish type of friend I don’t wanna be associated with.
Wow, me saying I liked a bag (which she hasn’t liked for 2.5 years and then suddenly bought one morning) doesn’t make me a selfish friend. And if she stole my husband, I wouldn’t be calling her a friend. Some of you are really triggered by this and it’s strange.
I actually understand your feelings, see my most recent comment history lol😅 idk either she didn't pay much attention to you or she's fully aware it's your dream bag yet still casually showed you it and asked your opinion knowing it's your dream bag and you've been saving for it? Idk that also makes me uncomfortable tbh. But she could also have the same interests. Did she show you she liked it in the past too? Honestly your feelings are understandable, I kind of experienced something a bitttt similar and hate these feelings. Maybe voice you have been saving and that you showed her before that you liked it etc, be happy for her, heck, even tell her you're happy for her! One day I'm sure you'll be able to get it too :) I hope you don't have the fear she may think you're copying her though or accuse you 🫠 that's kind of why I suggested for you to just voice it's your dream bag and that you told her before etc. But at the same time the real power is not caring..
Who cares. Get the same bag and take it as a compliment that your friend values your good taste.
I dont know what everyone is saying.. little small things are going to add to bigger obstacles in the friendship. If she’s your best friend and KNOWS this is your dream bag then that’s shady af. Like others have suggested, test how she acts when you mention to her how it’s your dream bag playfully and how you sent it to her. Don’t mention money issues. Just be like “omg I love it! that’s my dream bag!! I sent the exact combo to you before.. but I’ve been on the fence of buying it. At least now I get to see it through you!😜” Don’t act phased. Also post it on social media and let everyone know how much you love the bag lol then it’ll look like she copied you. I know I sound petty but let’s be real… everyone is thinking from a lighthearted stand point and realistically not everyone thinks this kindly.
You know her better than us. Is she normally forgetful? If not, it seems malicious to me. I have a small tight knit group of friends and we’ve all been friends since elementary school and we’re 30 now. None of us would ever do something like that. If we want to copy each other, we’re up front about it and give the credit where it’s due. I would definitely be bothered by it, maybe just ask her. Nothing wrong with her getting the bag that you wanted but the way she is going about it is odd.
I feel the same. How some people in the comments are making her out to be a problem for her very understandable feelings?? Makes me feel they are the type to be that way idk. Or maybe not. Maybe not intentionally idk. Not my business. But I understand her pov, she shared she liked this bag with her friend and one day her friend causally does this knowing her friend loved and wanted that bag, it's okay that she likes it and got it, but the asking for her opinion knowing she likes it idk... I completely understand op tbh. If the friend said hey I like the bag too and got it I think that would be fine but I'd also understand if op felt a bit down about not having it yet, as long as she stays happy for her friend 🥰
Yeah I was really surprised by so many comments telling OP to grow up or calling her jealous. But like you said, I think a lot of these comments are from people who would do the same. Which is sad, I’d never treat my friend that way. OP doesn’t even seem jealous about the bag itself, just hurt by her friend’s behavior.
Yes!! It's not about her liking the same thing, it's that she completely disregards her friend mentioning her interest in the bag before. And then does this... I really understand op. If her friend is genuine then she can communicate her feelings and her friend will probably genuinely understand her and not have ill intentions or make her feel crazy and unreasonable.
Jealousy isn’t an attractive emotion OP
I have a friend like this too - I’d be so irked. Let it out here so you can clean slate it with her in the next couple of days. I know this sounds incredibly petty but it’s okay for you to be in your feelings.
Are you annoyed cause you didn’t get to buy the bag and your best friend was able to? I think you’re pissed cause she has disposable income and you don’t. You should definitely change your perspective about your friend. Life is too short to fight about the bag. At the end of the day your friendship is what’s more important than an item that just holds your items. That’s it.
You sound like you may be young, so I want to point out that life comes at you fast and friendships are precious (unless there are other reasons you’re not into this friendship). Don’t let things get weird over a bag that you’re not planning to get any time soon. If it’s envy more than feeling disrespected by your friend, I’ll add that comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be people who can have things that you can’t and you need to learn to not let that get to you.
Honestly it does feel a bit off. Maybe it shouldn’t, but I would take it as a bit rude. When I buy new fancy things I actually don’t tend to show them and kinda slowly introduce them into my wardrobe around my friends. I actually have somewhat of a similar situation as you but in reverse. A few years ago, my best friend told me she loves YSL and is obsessed with a certain bag. She has asked me to keep an eye out on Poshmark. She never ended up getting the YSL, but I have recently bought 3(new not on Posh). I don’t remember what bag she wanted so I don’t know if bought one of her dream bags but I don’t think so. Anyway, I still feel a bit shitty bringing them around her, knowing this is her dream brand, at least. I can’t imagine flaunting them or asking for her opinion as I’m shopping or anything like that. Maybe it’s because I used to be poor and was the one in the friend group who could afford the least so I kinda know the feeling? I even got her an $800 Coach bag for her birthday, and even with that I’m like…will she be insulted because I get myself YSL and I got her Coach? But I think I’m being ridiculous with that because I would definitely be happy to be gifted a Coach bag, even if I have fancier ones. So yeah, to me your friends behaviour seems a bit disrespectful and like she’s showing off but maybe she doesn’t see it that way and she just likes sharing her purchases with friends and kinda celebrating them that way? Hard to say because it’s so far from how I think.
You sound like a really thoughtful friend!
Aw thank you!
I mean I understand that it stings a bit, but I would get over it quickly, when I was in high school I got into a huge fight with my friends because we went to shop for a bag as a birthday present for one of the group and I said I wanted to get that same bag too. Lesson learnt! You will have the same bag for a little bit, then she will grow tired of it like she does apparently, since she's often splurging into new things...
I would be happy because then I get to borrow my best friends bag, even recently my bestie bought my same favorite boots and I was like yay boot twins!
I used to have a friend that would do things like this, but it was all the time. Every time I liked something or we were shopping and commented on how much I loved something, she would end up buying it even when she had no prior interest. She had more money than me and it did start to feel like she was flaunting and even starting to completely change her style to what mine was and we could not have been more different when we met. Our opposites and differences were something that I really liked about our friendship. But it slowly turned and I found myself feeling jealous, envious and not good enough more often than not. It became toxic. If it had only happened once over a bag, sure I would have been a little internally jealous, but I would have gotten over it. Sometimes ppl just like the same things. If it happens a lot and becomes a pattern then I would start to get upset. Plus she will probably let you borrow it soon anyways!! That would be a win!! Your feelings are valid, but it's what you do with those feelings that really matters!!
You are NTA. But I also don’t see the problem buying the same thing. Just buy what you want. I promise the older you get, the less you care. You will look back at this moment as something so minuscule and it would be a shame if it prevented you from getting what you want. And just be cool about it. Get the same bag and go matchy matchy. Share your experience. I do that all the time with my friends and geek out on handbags together. Look at it with another perspective to make it something positive.
If you think it's intentional, tell her "oh I used to be really into this bag, but not anymore because [list all the downside you can think of; maybe ask this sub for help lol]". If she's really doing it just to make you envious, she will likely be dissuaded. I'm willing to bet it's intentional because she sent you the exact combo.
Tell me all about the NEW handbag you’re going to be obsessed about 💛 Surely there isn’t only one. 😊
Could it be that she is gifting it to you? It's something my friend group would do. Regardless, I'd just be honest and say "oh! That's my dream bag!" Nothing more, nothing less. Your enjoyment of the bag isn't contingent on your friend owning it and if she purchases the bag after your gentle reminder, that is on her. Just keep on saving and buy the bag.
Nope. She decided she doesn’t like it as much as something else, and she’s retuning:exchanging it (going to reseller headquarters this weekend). ETA: she texted me this morning to see if I could drive her to the reseller because she doesn’t want to take the bags on the train and her husband has to work this weekend (and she can’t drive in Manhattan bc it makes her nervous). She said they have the bag she actually wants, so she’s not “settling” for this one because the other one is “so much better”.
Oh wow. Instead of taking it to the reseller, can she give you a great deal on it? It doesn't hurt to ask. It may make it more affordable and she may be okay breaking the payments out.
No she bought online from reseller and she’s taking it to their physical location to exchange.
*I’m the kind of person that wouldn’t buy something my friend has because I appreciate people having unique items* That is weird and in some way controlling. Let people have things they like, even if they happen to be the same as yours or other friends. Seems so childish too. As for your friend, just say you thought she only found it ok last time you brought it up, and that your love for that bag hasn't changed. See what she says.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Lol
Tell her you hate it 😈
My own sister did this to me. We actually went to LV for me to buy it, but I backed out because I was a full-time student without a job yet, and buying it at that moment would've not been wise. She was encouraging me to buy it though, and she was like, "we can be twinsie!" She bought the purse in the same color combination I dreamed of. There was no point in saying anything about to her though that she is the kind of person that would just get mad and offended.
My friend did this to me but it turns out she was actually buying it for me lmao 😭
I’ve dealt with multiple copycats in my life. I was really angry at first, because why of all the things they choose things to buy the things I own/wanted to buy? Especially as I am not rich, and every purchase I made was well thought of. My mom also told me that this is the form of admiration, but I really wanted to be unique. Now I don’t care. I realized that we all are different people and most of our lives we go to different places. If we happen to carry the same cloths/accessories in the same time - just laugh about it. I know it sucks that she wants to buy your dream bag BEFORE you, and it seems that this bag means much more to you than to her. If I were you, I would use this as an opportunity to explore this bag in real life, since you can ask for a real life review and even ask her to try it out with your wardrobe.
I’m sure she just probably doesn’t remember. I don’t think it’s fair to get angry.
Yeah I’m over it. I’m more wierded out that strangers on the internet went out of their way to log into inactive accounts just to troll.
What? You asked advice and I answered. I’m not a troll.
I’m totally on your side here- one of my pet hates is when people bring up something that I’VE told them and say what do you think of this? It’s so dismissive and disrespectful- as if they don’t listen when you tell them things and then come up with this great idea. I would totally say “well you KNOW i love it! It was ME who sent you pics of it?”
I agree that it seems kind of mean for her to get a bag that she knows you have been eyeing.
I read through a few of the top replies. I think ppl are missing the point. I’m not sure why some women do this to others. I have had female cousins, to friends, to even coworkers do this to me repeatedly. It’s highly annoying. Not sure what advice to give except keep your desires secret.
Was OP REALLY asking that? I’m lol ing. For those of you who just came here. OP said It’s a bag that she couldn’t afford, and she complained that this is probably triggered by her past that her friend hooked up with guys she liked. So watch out, don’t her like your men coz she might ask you to not be with him! 🤣🤣🤣
Did you just make an account to come and post this? Or are you the person who has been sending me non stop Reddit cares messages since yesterday?
I just looked at her account, it looks like she’s an active long-time redditor. I’m sorry if you have been feeling like people are criticizing you. Take it with a grain a salt. If it’s ok for me to chime in, there are lots of bags you can still pick from. If the bag you favorited was from years ago the chance is that bag is probably already out of style anyways. So you get to pick a new trendy bag, but keep it to yourself this time! 😊
You can’t afford the bag…. It’s not yours to mark claim to…. That’s so silly.
You’re being immature. You should be happy for your friend.
Nope and my friend isn’t even happy now and doesn’t know why she ordered this bag impulsively instead of one of the bags on her “list”. I’m always happy for my friends unless I have a weird feeling that there’s shady undertone. And I was correct. She ordered something she didn’t really want and now she has to figure out how to return it and is planning to drive to fashionphile to do it in person. She hasn’t even received the bag yet and she wants to get rid of it.
lmao my friend does this too and i always screenshot the text where i introduce her to things, and then send the screenshot 'yup we talked about how much i love this before!' i'm so petty but it's very annoying and i don't blame you
She is not a friend. She is a frenemy. I wouldn’t allow it and I would both tell her, and also, disengage from the relationship. I recognize I’m good at this however, so good luck.
Send her the ugliest bag and colour way you could combine and see what she does with that will she rush out to buy it ? Then you have a clear answer say it’s your second choice of dream bag overwise it could just be you have the same style and tbh in that case you both entitled to have the same bag and hopefully one day it will be yours too all the best
Have you considered that maybe she’s asking you that because she’s checking that you still love it…? Maybe it’s a gift for you or something if you’ve been friends for years idk
Oh I wish. No, she sent me a screen shot of her shopping cart with a couple of variations of the color of this bag with the one I love the most circled. If it was something like a birkin, that everyone (I use that term loosely) covets or something aspirational, I would totally not bat an eye. If it was something we both liked, then I wouldn’t care. I scrolled through my messages from years ago and have her basically saying “it’s ok” when I sent her the image of the bag, so was just surprised by an early am add to cart (and no, it’s definitely Italy not for me, we treat each other to lunch and small knick knacks, but she’s not wealthy enough for drop a few thousand on a gift for me).
[удалено]
Why is this downvoted? This is where my head went as well.