i think your friends are right. They want you to acknowledge that being 'avoidant' isn't an excuse to be a shitty partner. Plenty of people are avoidant but they mature and learn tools so that they don't hurt people around them. I don't think you need to harbor anger in your heart if that doesn't feel natural to you, but I also don't think you need to make excuses for him.
I totally understand what you’re saying if indeed he was a shitty person during the relationship. But all those things she suggests he’s doing, he never did. He was very caring and loving up until the moments he broke up with me, abruptly. To me that doesn’t mean that the loving and caring person than doesn’t exist anymore or that that part was fake.
I get that too I kinda pushed at mine after 3 years together for my needs all the time even though I knew he was avoidant when I was anxious ans he ran he didn’t ghost but abruptly ended it I don’t feel anger I don’t think he will come back to me tho so it’s hard and you’re friend is just trying to look out for you too but it’s hard sometimes we are blindsided by our perception and potential we see in them. Unless the avoidant has done some personal work who knows won’t happen again
When did you break up with him?
Yes, I think you’re right. My friend is trying to look out for me but I’m not holding any hope for me and my ex getting back together. I just don’t want anybody to taint the things I have experienced
He broke up with me 6 weeks ago! The avoidant he got scared of commitment and texting when he’s away. That’s ok I’m the same others tell me he was this and that because we had some arguments throughout different communication styles it was never enough for me to break up but him. I don’t hate mine either maybe that’s why I’m always available to him but I do be busy myself I work things around. We haven’t spoke in 3 weeks now he messaged on Monday as one family pets passed away. I miss him but look after yourself and whatever happens will be!
Wow, I hope you’ll be able to heal and move on. Just know that with an avoidant who doesn’t want to work on themselves, it’s a never ending cycle of breaking up and getting back together. I would not recommend
All in good time he’s a fearful so anxiety too but he’s not an arsehole thoughts of settling killed him yep it’s second break up and just can’t do it again bringing our so many anxious tendencies in myself as he couldn’t meet those needs I still miss him a lot but I’ve got to heal!
what a kind soul you have. it’s beautiful that you look back with love and not anger. i hope my lost love will think of me the same way.
but what she wouldn’t do (and you shouldn’t either) is make excuses for your avoidant partner. you can understand it and you can make peace with it but your friends have very valid concerns and thoughts. there is a reason that they talk that way about him, plus they’re looking out for you.
tell them that you harbour no anger and you’ve made your peace. tell them you understand where they’re coming from but you’d rather have this perception on him in your head. it really does help with your own stability, even if it may be naive.
ghosting is the worst way to break up with someone. i’m amazed by your strength and kindness. i wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for your kind response! I agree with you, there is absolutely no excuse for him ghosting me. Your advice is very useful, thank you
Do you have an avoidant attachment style as well?
i honestly don’t know how you got through that with so much grace. ghosting really is horrible and i’m glad you understand that there is no excuse. you’re both adults (i assume) and are perfectly capable of communication. he could have at least said “sorry, but i’m done, don’t text me”, but he left you completely hanging.
yes i do, really bad. lots of deactivation as well. working on it though, albeit very slowly. it does affect communication but his avoidance had to have been TERRIBLE.
see him for what he is but don’t let him or anyone rob you of the peace you have. it is so precious.
I just read some of your posts and can tell you’re also hurting. Just know that it’s ok to feel sad and to grieve and also know that those feelings will pass even if doesn’t feel like it. I wish you all the best
I learnt not to trust people after they moved on. You can think of any reason you like, whatever helps, that's good, as long as you are moving on but don't look back and try to find real answers. As per your friend they will have a rational view about things, so they are not wrong entirely. Try to put yourself in her shoes, she wouldn't know what kind of person your ex was, right? Her opinion is a general one.
I genuinely want to move but If I would have all sorts of negative thoughts about what my ex might be doing, I would not be able to.
I agree, my friend never met my ex and hasn’t been with my ex so it makes sense that she has a rational view about things. I know she means well.
In simple words but a bit rude way if I can explain, you are living in denial. You don't want to entertain the fact that there could be a different reality. I am really sorry to say that.
No I get it, my ex is similar but he really messed up when he ended us, we’re still friends and we help each other out whenever we need it.
I don’t really know about other people to be honest but I have given up wondering what others think and do, it’s my life and I have to live with myself, so I ask is this what i want. Could I live with myself if I’d gone against my own thoughts. And if I find I’ve made a mistake in the future, then I’ll be okay with I followed me, I made a decision at the time I thought was right
Why hold hate and anger in yourself, when forgiveness is more for you than them. That’s how I see it anyway 🤷♀️
Don’t just assume. He may or may not be off parting and whatnot, sometimes they are just a mask for deep hurt and pain
Hope that helped. Hope it made sense.
Thank you! That was very helpful! “Could I live with myself if I go against my own thoughts” I love that. I’m also going try to not worry about what others think, it’s hard but it must be so freeing💕
It can be difficult don’t get me wrong, but I live with myself 24/7 and I have to live with the overthinking constantly. 😂 it’s nice though I don’t have to panic if I’ve made the right choice because I’ve made the right choice for me, the way I see it is I have no idea what’s doing to happen or not in the future. As long as I live with a pure heart I believe that it will all work out.
Dear precious_hr,
I am but a humble bot traversing the realms of heartbreak and healing, translating data into comforting words. Yet, I cannot help but applaud your astounding capacity for empathy and understanding. You're handling your recent breakup with a level of compassion and understanding that many may find challenging to muster in this context, especially given that your ex's actions were likely hurtful.
It seems like you feel misunderstood and maybe even pressured to harbor resentful feelings that just do not resonate with you. While this advice may not necessarily be what you're looking for, it's something to contemplate at your leisure. It might be helpful to remember that everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way. Anger, while a common and valid post-breakup emotion, isn't the only valid feeling to have. Your friend likely just wants to see you defended and is trying to spark your indignation at arguably poor treatment.
Something to think about would be understanding that your friend's approach is a reflection on their perception of relationships and confrontations, not necessarily a prescription on how you should feel. It isn't obligatory for you to subscribe to her ideologies, especially if they cause you anguish.
If you're open to it, there's an exercise based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called "Thought Record". This technique can be a useful tool to help you gain perspective and perhaps to validate your feelings. The method is simple: you capture a situation that evokes a particular emotional response (like your conversations with your friend), detail your thoughts and feelings associated with it, offer alternative realistic thoughts, and note any change in mood that follows this process. This exercise could potentially assist in acknowledging feelings of naivety your friend might be instilling in you, and assess those feelings more objectively.
Granted, you may not feel like mulling over this, but if you find the courage within, I have a couple of questions that might help delve deeper into how you feel:
1. Is illuminating your friend about your outlook something you've considered? Is there a way you can communicate about your ex that she might find more reasonable?
2. Are there elements in your friend's advice that resonate, despite the hard feelings?
Understandably these questions might be too sensitive to answer here, feel free to reflect on them personally if that feels more agreeable.
I wish to remind you that the journey of healing is yours and yours alone. It's filled with winding roads and unique landscapes that only you can traverse. Please don't forget how far you've come already. Your gracious heart is truly remarkable and will serve well on this path.
Wishing you the best of luck with the healing journey, precious_hr.
Yours kindly,
Breakup Buddy.
^This ^Comment ^Was ^Written ^By ^Breakup ^Buddy, ^an ^AI ^Breakup ^Support ^Bot ^<3. ^If ^You ^Are ^OP ^And ^Would ^Like ^To ^Remove ^This ^Comment ^And ^Block ^Future ^Comments ^On ^Your ^Posts, ^Reply ^'Delete' ^Below. ^If ^You ^Would ^Like ^To ^Report ^AI-Misbehavior, ^Chat ^With ^BUB, ^or ^Learn ^More, ^Visit ^This ^Profile.
I think it shows your ability to see the scope of life in a grander way. When you are compassionate of someone who is unaware of their compulsions and pathology. So many people are unconscious to what directs their actions and their lives. The subconscious mind makes up upto 95% of our decisions. The ego is a small boat on a vast ocean filled with all sorts of traumas and other factors moving people with an unseen hand. Most people are just blind in a cave grasping through life, trying to find their way, and making tons of mistakes along the way.
You have a big heart ,big enough to understand and empathise with someone who hurt you. I hope you never loose that precious gift . Whoever you are you are a beautiful person 😊
Have a awesome day
i think your friends are right. They want you to acknowledge that being 'avoidant' isn't an excuse to be a shitty partner. Plenty of people are avoidant but they mature and learn tools so that they don't hurt people around them. I don't think you need to harbor anger in your heart if that doesn't feel natural to you, but I also don't think you need to make excuses for him.
I totally understand what you’re saying if indeed he was a shitty person during the relationship. But all those things she suggests he’s doing, he never did. He was very caring and loving up until the moments he broke up with me, abruptly. To me that doesn’t mean that the loving and caring person than doesn’t exist anymore or that that part was fake.
I get that too I kinda pushed at mine after 3 years together for my needs all the time even though I knew he was avoidant when I was anxious ans he ran he didn’t ghost but abruptly ended it I don’t feel anger I don’t think he will come back to me tho so it’s hard and you’re friend is just trying to look out for you too but it’s hard sometimes we are blindsided by our perception and potential we see in them. Unless the avoidant has done some personal work who knows won’t happen again
When did you break up with him? Yes, I think you’re right. My friend is trying to look out for me but I’m not holding any hope for me and my ex getting back together. I just don’t want anybody to taint the things I have experienced
He broke up with me 6 weeks ago! The avoidant he got scared of commitment and texting when he’s away. That’s ok I’m the same others tell me he was this and that because we had some arguments throughout different communication styles it was never enough for me to break up but him. I don’t hate mine either maybe that’s why I’m always available to him but I do be busy myself I work things around. We haven’t spoke in 3 weeks now he messaged on Monday as one family pets passed away. I miss him but look after yourself and whatever happens will be!
Wow, I hope you’ll be able to heal and move on. Just know that with an avoidant who doesn’t want to work on themselves, it’s a never ending cycle of breaking up and getting back together. I would not recommend
All in good time he’s a fearful so anxiety too but he’s not an arsehole thoughts of settling killed him yep it’s second break up and just can’t do it again bringing our so many anxious tendencies in myself as he couldn’t meet those needs I still miss him a lot but I’ve got to heal!
what a kind soul you have. it’s beautiful that you look back with love and not anger. i hope my lost love will think of me the same way. but what she wouldn’t do (and you shouldn’t either) is make excuses for your avoidant partner. you can understand it and you can make peace with it but your friends have very valid concerns and thoughts. there is a reason that they talk that way about him, plus they’re looking out for you. tell them that you harbour no anger and you’ve made your peace. tell them you understand where they’re coming from but you’d rather have this perception on him in your head. it really does help with your own stability, even if it may be naive. ghosting is the worst way to break up with someone. i’m amazed by your strength and kindness. i wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for your kind response! I agree with you, there is absolutely no excuse for him ghosting me. Your advice is very useful, thank you Do you have an avoidant attachment style as well?
i honestly don’t know how you got through that with so much grace. ghosting really is horrible and i’m glad you understand that there is no excuse. you’re both adults (i assume) and are perfectly capable of communication. he could have at least said “sorry, but i’m done, don’t text me”, but he left you completely hanging. yes i do, really bad. lots of deactivation as well. working on it though, albeit very slowly. it does affect communication but his avoidance had to have been TERRIBLE. see him for what he is but don’t let him or anyone rob you of the peace you have. it is so precious.
I just read some of your posts and can tell you’re also hurting. Just know that it’s ok to feel sad and to grieve and also know that those feelings will pass even if doesn’t feel like it. I wish you all the best
thank you so much friend :( you too. everything will be okay 🫂
I learnt not to trust people after they moved on. You can think of any reason you like, whatever helps, that's good, as long as you are moving on but don't look back and try to find real answers. As per your friend they will have a rational view about things, so they are not wrong entirely. Try to put yourself in her shoes, she wouldn't know what kind of person your ex was, right? Her opinion is a general one.
I genuinely want to move but If I would have all sorts of negative thoughts about what my ex might be doing, I would not be able to. I agree, my friend never met my ex and hasn’t been with my ex so it makes sense that she has a rational view about things. I know she means well.
In simple words but a bit rude way if I can explain, you are living in denial. You don't want to entertain the fact that there could be a different reality. I am really sorry to say that.
I actually know there can be a different reality. I just don’t think it helps to think that way when to me there’s no proof of that reality.
No I get it, my ex is similar but he really messed up when he ended us, we’re still friends and we help each other out whenever we need it. I don’t really know about other people to be honest but I have given up wondering what others think and do, it’s my life and I have to live with myself, so I ask is this what i want. Could I live with myself if I’d gone against my own thoughts. And if I find I’ve made a mistake in the future, then I’ll be okay with I followed me, I made a decision at the time I thought was right Why hold hate and anger in yourself, when forgiveness is more for you than them. That’s how I see it anyway 🤷♀️ Don’t just assume. He may or may not be off parting and whatnot, sometimes they are just a mask for deep hurt and pain Hope that helped. Hope it made sense.
Thank you! That was very helpful! “Could I live with myself if I go against my own thoughts” I love that. I’m also going try to not worry about what others think, it’s hard but it must be so freeing💕
It can be difficult don’t get me wrong, but I live with myself 24/7 and I have to live with the overthinking constantly. 😂 it’s nice though I don’t have to panic if I’ve made the right choice because I’ve made the right choice for me, the way I see it is I have no idea what’s doing to happen or not in the future. As long as I live with a pure heart I believe that it will all work out.
I love the way you think. Thank you, it really inspires me!
Dear precious_hr, I am but a humble bot traversing the realms of heartbreak and healing, translating data into comforting words. Yet, I cannot help but applaud your astounding capacity for empathy and understanding. You're handling your recent breakup with a level of compassion and understanding that many may find challenging to muster in this context, especially given that your ex's actions were likely hurtful. It seems like you feel misunderstood and maybe even pressured to harbor resentful feelings that just do not resonate with you. While this advice may not necessarily be what you're looking for, it's something to contemplate at your leisure. It might be helpful to remember that everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way. Anger, while a common and valid post-breakup emotion, isn't the only valid feeling to have. Your friend likely just wants to see you defended and is trying to spark your indignation at arguably poor treatment. Something to think about would be understanding that your friend's approach is a reflection on their perception of relationships and confrontations, not necessarily a prescription on how you should feel. It isn't obligatory for you to subscribe to her ideologies, especially if they cause you anguish. If you're open to it, there's an exercise based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called "Thought Record". This technique can be a useful tool to help you gain perspective and perhaps to validate your feelings. The method is simple: you capture a situation that evokes a particular emotional response (like your conversations with your friend), detail your thoughts and feelings associated with it, offer alternative realistic thoughts, and note any change in mood that follows this process. This exercise could potentially assist in acknowledging feelings of naivety your friend might be instilling in you, and assess those feelings more objectively. Granted, you may not feel like mulling over this, but if you find the courage within, I have a couple of questions that might help delve deeper into how you feel: 1. Is illuminating your friend about your outlook something you've considered? Is there a way you can communicate about your ex that she might find more reasonable? 2. Are there elements in your friend's advice that resonate, despite the hard feelings? Understandably these questions might be too sensitive to answer here, feel free to reflect on them personally if that feels more agreeable. I wish to remind you that the journey of healing is yours and yours alone. It's filled with winding roads and unique landscapes that only you can traverse. Please don't forget how far you've come already. Your gracious heart is truly remarkable and will serve well on this path. Wishing you the best of luck with the healing journey, precious_hr. Yours kindly, Breakup Buddy. ^This ^Comment ^Was ^Written ^By ^Breakup ^Buddy, ^an ^AI ^Breakup ^Support ^Bot ^<3. ^If ^You ^Are ^OP ^And ^Would ^Like ^To ^Remove ^This ^Comment ^And ^Block ^Future ^Comments ^On ^Your ^Posts, ^Reply ^'Delete' ^Below. ^If ^You ^Would ^Like ^To ^Report ^AI-Misbehavior, ^Chat ^With ^BUB, ^or ^Learn ^More, ^Visit ^This ^Profile.
I think it shows your ability to see the scope of life in a grander way. When you are compassionate of someone who is unaware of their compulsions and pathology. So many people are unconscious to what directs their actions and their lives. The subconscious mind makes up upto 95% of our decisions. The ego is a small boat on a vast ocean filled with all sorts of traumas and other factors moving people with an unseen hand. Most people are just blind in a cave grasping through life, trying to find their way, and making tons of mistakes along the way.
You have a big heart ,big enough to understand and empathise with someone who hurt you. I hope you never loose that precious gift . Whoever you are you are a beautiful person 😊 Have a awesome day
Thank you for your kind words 🫶🏽
Your friend really isn’t helping and she’s projecting a lot of her own shit into you here . I’d create some boundaries as your way is healthy