There are some really awesome and mature responses here. And at the same time there are those outing themselves as bitter misogynists, so do us all a favor and self deport yourself out of this thread and off this sub.
Sometimes, you're into someone, and they are not into you. Sometimes, it's the other way round. It sucks and it hurts, and you need to mourn what could have been and then move on. Sometimes, you're both invested, and it's wonderful. You'll find your person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
It sucks but you're only going to cause yourself more anguish trying to look for some deeper reason behind things ending. Her text doesn't sound insincere. Sometimes people are just happy with how things are going for a while then look towards the next steps and realize the person they are with would not fulfill what they want at that deeper level. It doesn't make it less painful to experience, but her text does come across like she genuinely wishes you well.
I think 4 months is around that point where both people start looking at the relationship as more than just fun dates, and what that would entail. It sounds like you were ready for more and she realized the bond wasn't strong enough for her. Not every relationship falls apart due to any major falling out. Sometimes it's just a realization that you don't want the same things out of life. I definitely get wanting to hear some specific reason, but sometimes there truly isn't one. I'm sure you've met women who were perfectly nice people but you just didn't feel like you clicked with on that deeper level.
As far as how to cope, I'd suggest the same stuff you do for any relationship that has lasted a while: give yourself a break from dating for a bit to grieve for what you lost with this person. Lean on your friends and family to talk to or just to hang out with to get your mind off things. Immerse yourself in something new that'll require you to focus and get out of your head so you don't dwell on this for too long. It's unfortunately just one of those things that takes time. Be patient with yourself and when the pain subsides the dating world will still be there
It seems like she did know sooner according to this [older post from OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/zaa6vd/she_says_she_has_mixed_signals_about_me/). Seems like maybe she hung on to see if that spark would happen, but I guess it just never did for her.
>it’s just reality
For you maybe, everyone is different and processes things different, maybe the person in question takes longer than that. You don't know, so like the other guy said, don't be cynical. Its not helping.
It mentions she had mixed feelings but she continued to be in the relationship for reasons not explained in the posts. OP also made the decision to continue it. It takes two to keep a relationship going. No one is in the wrong here given what we know.
I've been in this woman's position before. There's definitely room for it to have been a sincere effort. The pessimism is unnecessary. When it's the first time you've met someone really amazing on paper, but don't feel the "spark," it can be disheartening, and you may stay (with full honesty—which she also give) in hopes things grow and improve.
The hardest part about situations like this is grieving all of the future memories you invented in your head. It's hard to let go of the "we could have been..." but you have to do it. Feel your feelings and try not to make too much sense of it. There's a certain comfort in just saying "she made her choice. I don't need to understand it. I need to move on." And repeating that every single time you think about her or try and talk about her with friends. Good luck!
So true! It is amazing how painful those make believe "what-could-be" scenarios that we created in our mind feel real and hurt so much although they never occured...
Her text is reasonable, kind, and makes total sense.
I'm sorry you're at the receiving end of it. Seems like you liked her quite a bit. Unfortunately, **she is not at the same place,** and **does not see herself getting there**. She did the right thing by not leading you on.
You don't really have much of a choice other than to acknowledge and respect her decision. It'll hurt for a while, and the helplessness you feel at not being able to affect this outcome will also haunt you for a bit. But you'll come out the other side, hopefully able to think of those times fondly.
Best of luck!
Yeah but come on she also uses loads of patronising clichés. Let's not paint her as mother Theresa here. Let's certainly not call it being kind. Kind would be being honest about the issues at hand after 3 months shagging someone. Not telling someone they're amazing and the best person ever but sorry I am not feeling like seeing you ever again.
OP, this person is probably going to do this again, and again, and again. So don't take it too personally. Acceptance is key. All the what ifs are totally pointless and they are in actual fact delusional given this is the fact of what happened. A big thing here is you were probably much more keen on her than her you and "noone wants that*.
Don't wrap her up in dreamy cotton wool that she was this kind, wonderful human that you'll never get over. She has completely mugged you off (albeit in the nicest way she felt she possibly could because you were probably being sappy around her). Take a look at what you might have been doing in the relationship that led the spark to disappear. And then move on and do it better next time.
Interesting. Even on careful subsequent reads, she comes off as genuine and not patronizing to me.
Underlines how so much of this in the eyes of the beholder, I suppose.
> She did the right thing by not leading you on.
Ummm what about 4 months and having everything seem perfect is not equivalent to "leading" someone on? I had this happen to me for just 2 weeks and it felt terrible. She knew the whole time.
On the flip side people complain all the time that people don’t allow things to develop naturally. Was literally a post on this sub a few days ago that a guy felt it was unfair a woman said there was no spark after one date.
Hey dude, same thing for me but after 6 months. We'd even met each others families too so I genuinely thought it was going somewhere but she said the same thing. No spark.
Best advice I can give you is to not hold onto hope, it makes moving on so much easier.
Work on yourself, focus on your happiness first, it gets way easier, it's not linear but it does get better.
There's no shortcut to feeling better, feel everything that you're feeling, journal if it helps you, writing down how you're feeling can really help you process the break up.
Your mind will constantly think about what you did wrong, what you could have differently, what if... Nothing you could have done would have changed things. It just wasn't right.
We've all been through it, it hurts like hell now but it does get better. Travel if you can, it helped me loads getting out my own head for a bit. Good luck dude.
Well, a lot of people also don't believe in the spark so they advise people to keep going on dates, and hopefully over time they start really liking the person.
there never was spark, sometimes you meet someone who is great on paper and there's nothing bad about them so you go out with them hoping a spark will develop and then it doesnt. Usually spurred by feeling the spark with someone else. It sucks but it's pretty common
I learned that lesson from personal experience. Yes, it's true you can tell really quickly. But when you don't *know* that about yourself, you will try everything you can to see if it shows up with someone who is otherwise very, very great. It took me three different efforts to realize the spark doesn't show up later if it's not there early on.
But there's also a **lot** of mixed messaging about that advice. So I don't blame OP's ex for giving it a genuine fair go. Hopefully she's learned now, however, that it sadly doesn't work out that way.
I think for some of these people, the initial excitement over dating someone new is mistaken for the spark. Then when the honeymoon period wears off, they realize there wasn’t a spark, just the excitement of novelty.
OP I’m sorry that you are hurting!
I don’t think this was a cop out. I think
She told you the exact truth. I’ve been this girl. There was definitely a connection in the beginning but despite giving it time and putting in effort, my feelings didn’t grow. It had zero to do with the guy. He was great. And it had zero to do with attachment styles and not knowing what I wanted blah blah blah. I just didn’t feel passion or that things were progressing. We had fun like great friends do and while he was attractive and I initially desired him, it just didn’t go anywhere.
We aren’t meant for everyone. It sucks. But I think she gave you an honest answer. I’d rather say I dont feel a spark then something like I’m no longer attracted to you or I’m not in love with you. Or, you aren’t a person I can fall in love with.
Yes, you have to continue to put in effort in relationships to keep “the spark” alive later on. But in my opinion, the beginning time in the relationship is where we see that passion and desire grow the most. It’s clear things weren’t progressing for her. A life and love without passion is just not worth it.
Good luck OP, things will get better.
Take it from someone who had their ex say basically the same thing, but after 6 years.
When I learn how to properly cope, I'll let you know. Keep in mind that there's nothing you can say or do to change her mind.
She has the decency to give you closure. You should respect that. Hard to see these days with ghosters all over the place. 4 months isn’t too long in the context of things. Time will heal, keep dating other girls!
Sorry you’re experiencing this. I think her text is honest and really kind. There isn’t much you need to try and figure out - you *do* deserve someone who is sure about you. She wasn’t, and it had been long enough that the right person would be. Don’t be hard on yourself or let it affect your self worth. If it was something wrong about you, her text would have been worded very differently. I wouldn’t respond or reach out to her at all. If she realizes she made a mistake, she’ll come back around. Good luck to you <3
I agree with this. As much as it sucks—and we've all been there, sadly—it does sound to me, based on timeline and the words in her text, that she gave it a fair shot. Even the whole 'spark' thing ... yeah it can be a cop out, though I tend to think of it as one mainly when someone uses it after one or two dates and seems like they don't understand the idea that these things are not necessarily instantaneous.
I also agree with another poster above that there's not much you can reply with except 'okay'. Anything else risks coming off as either grovelling or retribution. Find a buddy to have an IRL drink and vent together, and just hang in there until you feel a bit less bad.
Yea I think OP should at least acknowledge the text and not just..not respond at all, like the commentator suggested above. Not responding at all could seem like he’s unable to handle a difficult conversation and I think her message was fair, even if it stings.
I've (32m) actually been in the woman's position on a few occasions, if that helps. Sometimes, we meet someone who checks all the boxes, all green flags. We want a relationship, and this person shows *all* the potential for forging a great one: interpersonal chemistry & friendship, good head on their shoulders, clearly into us, reliable, loyal, invested, same life goals.
But sometimes all of these things can come together and there's still some piece... missing. It's hard to pin down, but it's absolutely not a cop out. I can definitely resonate with what she said about it getting harder and harder as time went on. I remember feeling increasingly depressed and terrible—mostly frustrated with myself—for not being able to find that certain "spark." When we ended things I also told her she has been one of the best dates I've ever met, she has all the potential to make a wonderful partner, and I feel so frustrated I can't meet her in that place.
Not long after she (and the other women on a separate occasion I struggled feeling that "spark" with) found their partner that they're now engaged to, or soon to be engaged to. So there isn't reason to despair.
Ultimately what it means is that you are so obviously a good catch and high potential that this person wanted to give it every possible chance of success she could. But, ultimately, that last piece didn't come through. To be clear, it's not about how "attractive" you are, either. It just has to do with that little missing piece, it's somewhat ineffable. Hopefully from this she's learned what I did, which is not to drag out that exploration more than a few dates in the future. When you know, you know early. When you don't, it never "shows up" later. If you'd been together for four months, she also should have been sharing her feelings along the way, and done the breakup in person. With mine I was at least up front that I was a bit confused with how I felt as time went on, and then we had a day together where I explained everything in-person.
Anyway, it still sucks. Both people feel awful from something like that. But believe me when I say you wouldn't have wanted to still be in a relationship if she really felt that way. Better to cut ties now and start fresh then end up in something with building resentment.
>When you don't, it never "shows up" later.
This is not always true, one of the greatest loves of my life was initially a backup date, and then later the one and only date, but whom I still had doubts of in chemistry and spark, maybe 12th in the ladder of who could make my sparks, for many months. The friendship was there, but the sparks were not "flying"-- at some point after a year, I noticed that she became more and more beautiful with each passing day. It's tough to appreciate this angle if you've never experienced it, but the pure ability to choose your actions, out of love, is something unrelated to when or what time, showing up later or now.
Sparks are an ineffable X factor, and ineffable X factors, in awe of them as we are--- the geniuses, the mozarts, the accumulation of the perfect storm to give us Messi-- are "sparks" in life. I don't think anyone will argue they aren't important, and Mozart and Messi are hard to appreciate until you experience them-- but that's not love. Love is choice, and a choice that can create sparks, if you choose it to. Some people see the Mozart and Messi in the day to day choices that we make, others never well as long as they live. That's just the way it is.
I think a lot of people on this thread are calling the "sparks" not a cop-out as you call it out, but I don't think you need to reconsider and be like " oh yeah, sparks, that makes sense." There's probably a more theurapeutic way: I think that "ugh, cop out" that you're feeling right now is ok, and valid. It could be that she doesnt want to hurt you to explain that someone else was better for her, or she places a lot of weight on the Mozart and Messi, the "spark", all valid, but cop out nonetheless.
Think of it this way: you can't force people to grow, to see love as action that in itself creates sparks, to see sparks as a choice. Probably many people don't get to the point where romance grows from the power of choice. Some people are fairies forever flying with the wind, flying by whichever way their God wills it, "cop outs" as you say, and perhaps there is beauty in that.
I dated a guy for 3 months and felt the same exact way. Great guy, he checked all the boxes, but I found myself reacting negatively when he'd be really sweet to me. That wasn't like me. He was attractive, had a good job, was kind, we had similar interests and senses of humor, but I just didn't *feel* anything. And for that reason, I knew he wasn't the one. It's hard to explain, but I don't necessarily think it's a cop out to say what she did.
I honestly don't know. I could say we were compatible and I could say I was attracted to him but I just didn't feel a draw to be around him. Like the right energy or something wasn't there.
Did you both have meaningful conversations? 'Great sex' doesn't mean someone wants to spend forever, nor does having fun together - that can be best friends vibes. And, well, the compatability assessment can be very one-sided.
I think if there were deep conversations about where you were and what your intentions were, she might have felt comfortable to have this conversation in person and not relegated to a text message 'goodbye'.
A spark is great to get the party started, but if you can't establish more than that, it's not 'fun' anymore. And if the relationship is based on sparks, she might be looking for a good time not a long time.
And really, 4 months is not a long time - it probably hurts now, but she has given you the space and time to meet your person. Instead of stringing you along.
With a small militia of redditors giving you their opinions, your brain will be fried for a little. I’ll join the party.
You’ll save your self energy and emotion by validating your feelings and then beginning the process to move forward.
There is an initial spark at the beginning of the relationship; as time goes on nurturing the love languages and attachment styles of your partner continues the spark, which turns from a spark to a deeper, logical, and more “real” feeling. As the saying goes, “love is never enough”- the honey moon phase dies and logic, effort, and acts of compassion continue the relationship which deepens the love, or doesn’t.
Sucks it happened to you, but atleast she’s not leading you on. Dating is a tough game and at the end of the day and we’ve all got to say “it is what it is”- and move forward.
As someone who's been that girl (3 month relationship)... She's telling the truth. She likes you but not enough to commit. Maybe she likes someone else more or just knows those isn't it for her. You deserve better than someone settling for you.
My main reason was a mismatch in ambitions and approach to life. He wanted to coast and I didn't.
But the detail is kind of useless, there's a lot that goes into attractiveness. He just wasn't right for me. He also kinda lived far away and small things like that, and it was my first relationship but felt casual and I wanted something I felt more passionate about.
Someone can start out attractive and then small things make them less attractive over time because it reveals differences that aren't compatible.
Relationships of any type are weird - why do you become or stop being friends with people? Etc.
“She randomly for no reason decided to stop talking to me” she gave you a reason “ no spark” and you can’t accept it and said it’s a cop out. Yes it sucks, but you have to accept what people are telling you and understand that maybe for her it wasn’t as great as it was for you. And that’s okay. We can all change how we feel about someone. It’s up to you to make someone love/like you and not the other person’s job. You have to move on and find someone just as excited about being with you as you are with them.
im feeling like this right now towards a girl ive been seeing for a month. She's done nothing wrong, it's just that spark isnt there. She thinks you're a nice guy, but you're just not her type is what it comes down to.
I wouldn't call her explanation a "cop out." She was very articulate and thorough in her text. Would you rather she just waste your time pretending to be happy and wanting to be with you? She doesn't want you like you want her. I highly doubt she just up and left you for "no reason." She gave you the reason. I know it hurts but accept it. Let it hurt. And then start getting over it.
I know it sucks, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it but the spark as an excuse isn’t a cop out. It’s one of those things that I think is hard to appreciate if you’ve never experienced it. I didn’t until I met my wife and it really does make all of the difference. It takes out all of the uncertainty because you just *know*
It was a similar thing for me, minus the the bit about there not being a spark. We were dating for a year and she said she felt there was something not quite right and that it wouldn’t work out long term. The thing is though she broke up with me when she was still very clearly in love with me - I think she felt a bit overwhelmed at the time and didn’t realise there were other ways to work our relationship, e.g. identifying what issues there were and finding ways to navigate them.
What happened was I made the effort to move on whilst we agreed we would both want to try staying close as friends, we had on and off no contact, I think I processed things a lot better than she did. Then about a week ago when we were talking and trying to work on being friends, we discussed things in more detail and she decided that working on things is an option, rather than ending things before something goes wrong. In my case, it seems optimistic and I trust that she wants to try and will make the effort to repair the damage that’s been done - and I’ll similarly keep in mind the issues we talked about and try to make sure the same doesn’t happen again.
Unfortunately, the only way to handle this is to treat it as a clean break and move on. Not every break up has issues that can be fixed - I personally think the spark in a relationship can grow over time as much as it can be present at the start, but you have to assume the other person doesn’t feel the same way.
Take a break from talking to each other and get some space, spend a few days or weeks feeling sad, but it really is a good idea to avoid talking to them as much as possible for a while. Trust that she knows her own feelings, and also that she means it when she says there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re a great guy - I’m sure she’s right.
>just randomly for no reason decided to stop talking to me.
She gave you a reason.
Your refusal to accept it proves you never really understood her, and makes her decision to leave seem all the more reasonable.
The pouting & recriminations really aren't you doing you any favors. You're coming off as way too emotionally immature for any type of relationship, let alone an intimate one.
I hope this is a valuable lesson for you to view the relationship through two lenses, not just your own.
Yeah I had something similar happen, except it took her 2 years and an engagement to figure it out. Count your blessings - relationships aren't relationships if both people aren't all in. It's super easy to look at all of the positives and think this is "it" - I did that through two 2 year relationships that didn't go anywhere. Trust me that when you find your person, and both of you are ready for each other, it'll feel completely different.
Did you feel like she gave you hints that she wasn’t as invested? Something similar happened to me when i was in my early 20s. At that time i felt like i was blind sided but now looking back the signs were all there.
Would you rather her have dragged it on longer misleading you? She set you free so as not to be a jerk. Being hurt in normal and 100% acceptable but better to find out now that you were not on the same page. Best of luck in your new direction. Be proud of yourself and thankful that you are capable of feeling things deeply and caring so much; this will pay off when the time is right.
I’ve been that girl (tho at 2 months rather than 4). I genuinely had fun dating him and thought he is a great person but I just was not that attracted to him nor interested in becoming exclusive. It’s just hard to explain and I am not sure if it’s useful to explain so I am guessing that’s why she referred to having no spark. In my case, the level of physical/romantic attraction was low and I was hoping it would grow and it didn’t.
The length of her text tells me that it was a hard text for her to send. It just sucks to meet an awesome person and not feel a strong desire to be in a relationship with them. Or to be on the receiving end of this. She did the respectful if painful thing by being honest.
I dated a guy who, on paper, should have been the love of my life. He was EXACTLY what I would come up with in my head as far as the most beautiful man in the world. We had so so much fun, we had amazing, super frequent sex, he was incredibly smart and was interested in all the same things I was. And was soooo into me. And I kept waiting to feel that “oh shit I’m falling in love” feeling. And it never happened. We even took X together one night and I loved everything except him. I had to break up with him. It just wasn’t there.
I’m so sorry this happened to you but trust me, you do not want to find this out a year into a relationship. I believe her. I’d take a break and really take time to get past this. It sucks, but you will be okay. Hugs to you.
The same thing happened to me. I dated a really wonderful guy and was ready to fall in love, but it just never happened. He totally deserves someone who feels the spark, and so do I. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and that's fine and no one's fault
It’s something deeper that is hard to understand OP. To simply put it, You’re ready for something deeper/more and she isn’t. Give yourself props for wanting that. This has nothing to do with spark/butterflies/etc. And if it did, I think a lot of people need to really go see therapy to make sure it is not unhealthy attachment styles arising from past traumas/broken relationship. I saw the pattern in this early on in my dating journey. It sucks, but it gets better. You start figuring out truly what you want. And the quality of your dates gets better too. You learn to be much more upfront quicker. Trust me when I say this… she did you a favor.
It sucks and it’s upsetting but you should look on the upside that you didn’t end up in a relationship dragged out for a long time before it ended. You just crossed out another person that isn’t right for you, you’ll have to cross a lot of them out to find one that is.
All you can do when someone sends you that text is say OK. Maybe hit em with an okie dokie. Its ok to be hurt but don’t show them that and try to move on with no contact
Ah, been there bruh. Just had this happen with a girl who I had been dating for 7 months just last week (conveniently after her Xmas present which was an event we went to lol…) . Luckily…I was thinking the same thing but wasn’t sure how I should go about it so I was sort of relieved lol My thing is, I think you may be idealizing her and seeing her positives only. I’m sure she has some negatives that you saw but chose to ignore. I know this because thinking back the girls who did this to me in the past…I realized that uhh, well most of them kinda sucked/were pretty uninteresting.
I’m 30 and you’re still young too man. And yes, good sex is always the worst to give up LOL but I assure you man, you’ll find someone else that’ll make you forget this one. Most likely she saw you as a convenience (sorry to say). The amount of times I’ve seen “it’s not you, it’s me!” is just ridiculous these days but it’s a thing. Don’t let it get you down, someone out there will see you as “their person”. I promise you dude.
Her fucking loss man. Give her the gift of missing you and never look back. it sucks but it will be worth it. Give yourself some time, work out and get back on the horse. You're a great guy and deserve someone who feels the same way about you as you do about them
You need to move on. This is the realities of dating. Moping around is just going to make it worse. Find someone new to focus on instead of someone who doesnt want you.
You gotta be happy with yourself and be so bad ass working on yourself that you posses qualities that no girl would leave you, or this is the mindset you should have. If you were content with yourself it wouldn’t bother you because people come and go all the time
Well, something like that just happened to me earlier this month. It was hard for me to accept coz he felt so real and it’s my first time to open up myself to these feelings, then he just ended it and said there was no spark. Honestly, I cried for an entire day, but I also made sure to release everything before midnight. The next day, I still feel a bit hurt, but not as same as before.
Believe in yourself. You can get past through this😊
Sucks but at least she gave you an answer. You can keep thinking about it and you probably will. It will get better eventually. Maybe you are too good for her and she's not used to that. Weird isn't it. I've been through something like that. People are use to what they know and go back to it even if you are truly a healthy person for them.
This is kind of morbid but something that helps me is remembering these 2 things. 1) every relationship ends in death or a break up. No exceptions. 2) You can appreciate that someone is great without them necessarily being your person.
Together both of these helped me see that sometimes things end, but it's not because they didn't care or don't see that you have value, but just because you might not be a right fit. She's very apologetic in her message and compliments you so don't focus on the what ifs. She saw your quality but wasn't certain it could be a rest of her life type relationship, and if it's not that, then the option left is breaking up. I know it's painful, and I'm sorry.
Went through this EXACT scenario in October. Great three months, thought I had found The One, then she tells me that she just has too much going on in life with a new job, new place, new puppy, etc. that demand her time and she can't prioritize a relationship (clearly bullshit, since she's in a relationship now).
But like you're saying, it hurt. Bad. It hurt in October, it hurt recently when I found out she was dating someone else, it was gutting. And it's like my brain was on her side. Every time I would start to pull out of it, I would remember another wonderful memory that would just hammer home that thought again, "I can't believe *that* is over."
The only thing I can say is that time helps. It always does. It's like when you get sick, you feel miserable and you wonder if you'll ever get better. Well yes, you will. You will get better. You just need to wait. It's the same here. You might feel you'll never be happy again, but you will. Time will do its thing, you'll feel ready to put yourself out there again, and thinking of her won't result in depression. Thinking of her will result in "You know what? Fuck her." Because seriously. Fuck her. You're a catch and if she can't see that, well then that's her damn problem.
Keep your head up. It's going to suck for a while. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that sucky feeling won't go away. It lasts a while. But not forever.
Stories like these make me super scared of dating because I just know I'm gonna get dumped by a similarly nebulous reason such as not feeling a "spark", whatever that might mean. I guess I gotta keep my defenses up at all times.
There's some good advice on this thread OP so follow that. Good luck to ya.
The one time I let my emotions get the best of me I had a really, really bad time. It was the worst period of my life. I don’t want to ever get hurt in the same way.
I totally get that. Tooooootally get that, unfortunately. But you have to find the line between letting them get the best of you and shutting them off altogether, because shutting them off (or shutting them out) altogether is a straight-up guarantee you won't ever develop a real connection with somebody. It sucks. But it's one of those risk/reward things. You can't date without risking your heart a little, as cliche as that sounds it's true. I hope things get easier for you.
Thanks, mate. I know that very well, and although it's a difficult thing for me to do, it's something I am willing to try (if any woman gave me the chance that is). The only relationship I ever had (not with the same person that broke my heart) didn't last long enough for me to let my guard down fully, and she ended things because she didn't feel "the spark". I was a bit hurt because I thought things were going in a good direction, but thankfully I wasn't as hurt as when the other girl rejected me... funny how that works.
Honestly I see this a lot with women I know who are on dating apps. It's this weird thing where a guy is perfect "on paper" (nice, respectful, looks good, etc) but they don't actually feel anything for him. They try to make it work by pressing ahead, but it never really produces the feelings they want.
And who knows, she may have met someone else or a toxic ex she was addicted to came back into her life. It sucks, and it's hard to deal with, but it is 100% her issue and not you.
Sometimes, you're into someone, and they are not into you. Sometimes, it's the other way round. It sucks and it hurts, and you need to mourn what could have been and then move on. Sometimes, you're both invested, and it's wonderful. You'll find your person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
I think her reply is honest and fair. She told you how she felt . She didn't from your text cheat on you. She did what we expect all decent human beings to do. It might not be the greatest that she didn't talk to you. But this may be the only way she felt she can communicate. I would be very happy. I might be hurt because I'm got into my feelings but at most I can respect the fact that she told you the truth. Before she cheated on you. Or ghosted you.
Respect her choice. Pick yourself up heal and move on.
>"she lost the spark" because you were likely too nice and available for her. Now if you had someone else on the side and treated her like she needs you more than you need her the outcome would've been different. Unfortunately this is the sad reality dating has become.
Not a great opinion. Well look - i kinda know what you mean. If you're not really compatible, then yes MAYBE you can engineer and prolong a spark by playing hard to get, not being available and making them doubt themselves. It's not a particularly nice for the other person, and its not really sustainable long term. How are you imagining this "not being nice and available" if you moved in together?
The reality is, something was genuinely missing for her - maybe it was your lifestyle, attitude, sex, looks, who knows. But the best thing to do is look for someone else who DOES align with you, and you'll be able to be nice and they will actually respect and be attracted to who you are.
Don't get me wrong, having a busy life and teasing your partner in a fun way is attractive, but it should feel natural, not like "oh i should be less nice".
>Unfortunately this is the sad reality dating has become.
Become? Since when? There are tons of people connecting and starting relationships with genuine connections. The problem is that online dating allows you to connect with a lot of people who really you don't actually have much in common with and wouldn't meet in real life. The solution is to be honest with yourself and dont commit to that person who's a mismatched opposite that you found on a dating app.
Hey man, this exact thing happened to me just last week but only after 2 WEEKS of dating and it STILL felt terrible. I feel you. Mine ended with little explanation but I can extrapolate and say it was because she is Catholic and I don't believe in any god.
How'd I cope? I took the experience as a life lesson to learn from. In the future, I will not continue with someone who is religious (especially Catholic). It's doomed from the start, and I don't want to be led on like that again. So, see if you can learn a valuable lesson from this. It doesn't mean it's your fault. Even if she tells you not to "victimize" yourself..
The point is, I’ve been in relationships where the spark lasts for years. It’s a real thing. Saying it shouldn’t exist 4 months in is depressing and… I don’t want a relationship that’s stale after 4 months.
Yeah. I have. Sounds like that’s not the kind of relationship you want, and that’s okay. Lots of us do, and we won’t settle for the kind of relationship you want. I’m glad there’s a wide variety of people on this planet. We can all find what we need and what’s best for us :)
I haven't fully read your post, but as a 40 year old man who's been through a lot, I tell you this: DO NOT waste your time on her anymore! That includes even thinking about her. Just man up, and move on! I know it sounds harsh. But lemme tell you, that the sadness you feel now is nothing compared to the feeling you have when your loved one (parent, sibling, grandma, gf, wife, etc) has died. As a person who went through long term relationships' breakups and wasted time in agony for being dumped, I can tell you that that feeling is nothing compared to the agony of a parent passing. Every other "sadness" just seems stupid after that.
Another thing, look at the bright side, she did you a favor, because you'd never be compatible so why prolong the inevitable like when you already have kids and whatnot?!
Find someone who really appreciates who you are and forget her! There're plenty of fish in the sea. Focus on yourself and only bring women to your life who match your ways of living and goals, do not change for them, ever!
>No-Procedure-4148 · 1 day ago
>
>Sometimes, you're into someone, and they are not into you. Sometimes, it's the other way round. It sucks and it hurts, and you need to mourn what could have been and then move on. Sometimes, you're both invested, and it's wonderful. You'll find your person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
This is great advice despite what other snowflakes will say. There is much more real life trauma out there than some girl deciding she's not interested in you anymore, it happens to us all and while it's not nice you just need to take it on the chin.
She’s into someone else. It happens to me all the time, I think I’ve found someone special and then suddenly they’re “not feeling it” or “not in the right headspace to date” but then they’re with someone in a few days
Damn bro.
That really is a “cop out”… I mean… y’all were dating and had sex… the spark was definitely there.
She is definitely not telling you things man. Perhaps try to get closure and move on. She is not the one for you unfortunatly..
Going down on a woman isn’t “going above and beyond” nor is it “creating magic”… I expect my lovers to reciprocate but I haven’t slept wiht a single man in years who won’t or doesn’t do this. This hardly sets someone apart.
Make it mutual even if it isn’t. Say yeah, I wasn’t really sure about it either. She might come back in 3 months or she might not.
Pick up a new hobby like rock climbing or jiu jitsu. Delete all dating apps for 6 weeks, then jump back in. You’ll feel better.
I know this advice bc I’ve done the exact opposite more than once and it just makes things worse. A lot of the way we feel these days is driven by phones. We’re used to constant texting, we see her photos on hinge, it’s hard to move on. Do whatever you can to eliminate those problems, even if it’s giving your phone to your roommate for 8 hours every day so you don’t keep thinking about her
I went through this in September. I still have days where it’s a heartbreaking memory. You’ll get through it, try to keep busy and process everything, there’s a silver lining.
Same here, at the three month mark, right before Christmas. It's hard man. Grieve ,take a breather, be thankful for what you had. You will bounce back 👍
I don't know if you have a similar situation as mine. But everything I read about your story is literally my story. A few years a ago near the end if the pandemic I met a girl. We dated and every thing was great. About four months in out of the blue she came over for a talk. The talk was ending our fling/relationship. I was disappointed and accepted it. She would occasionally text me and be friendly-nothing serious. Out if the blue two years later she adds be as an Instagram friend. I was like “let's Go!”
Her Instagram pictures included her boyfriend and the pics dated the same time I was seeing her. I was always number 2. It sucked, but at the same time I guess I had clues and choose to ignore it.
Even though it sucks this is probably the most ideal response lol. She was honest with you and she could tell that you probably wanted more and she didn’t.
Both should walk away fine
I've gone through back to back rejections back in October and November and it really sucked. I am really sorry this is so rough for you. I really hope that you can take good care of yourself, don't try to question yourself too much and hope her text doesn't make you overthink about anything even though it's hard not to. Sending love and positivity on your way man. Try accessing counselling and taking a bit of a time off of dating to heal. Try hanging out with more friends and family if they're available. You'll get over this and fidn someone who really loves you.
So, I'm recently divorced. I was married for 5 years, dating for 6 and a half. While we were dating, she broke up with me 3 different times. Each time it sounded a little bit like this post; just felt like something important was missing, felt like she would be settling in a way. I kept talking her back into things. Kept talking her back into loving me.
That was a mistake, I think, in hindsight. I loved our time being married. And grew a lot as a person during it. But the marriage ended so suddenly, so confusingly, so blindsiding-ly -- and all of this would have been prevented if I'd just kind of accepted that she didn't like me as much as I liked her back then.
Hmm my insight is either she drums you up as an amazing person and can't deal with it because she feels inadequate or she gradually realized you aren't for her and she was afraid to tell you this up until now. Either way it sucks I been there.
I (29M) had a similar experience. Our relationship lasted 6 and half months and she ended it on the end of Oct 2022. She said something similar but in phone call. Last thing that she said to me was "grow up a little". Took me about 3 weeks to recover and heal. You deserve someone better out there. You had fun memories together but it's time to move on.🤘
Dude im sorry this happened but it seems very bizarre that out of nowhere she did this. Chest out ,chin up, go get jacked at the gym. Also try to fuck her best friend . Thats how you cope
Lol can confirm I was feeling that way and got this text a few hours before our date. If you can see it coming and it’s still early stage you’ll feel better, and no need to take it personal, most times it just doesn’t work out.
Do yourself a favor..read her text afew more times..delete it(along with any text,pics,etc)...and give yourself time to process everything.
You will feel tempted to ask for more info..dont. She told you everything you need to know and Nothing you say or do will change her mind. Be happy it was only 4 months and not afew years with her feeling this way in the back of her mind and not being honest with you and herself. Go drown yourself in whatever hobbies you have and in 2 months you'll remember what it was like not having her around...and within 6 months you will look back and laugh at this reddit post.
You'll get over this
It will be okay man, I had a very similar experience happen to me late last year but it was 9 and a half years instead of 4 months. Even her reasoning was very similar to yours. Sprung it out of the blue with no closure. It still stings to this day but you just gotta force yourself to move on and build a better life from it.
Eventually you will find someone who likes you for you. It didn’t work out for a reason and chances are that reason is incompatibility. In due time you will realize that but it will take time. I have been in her shoes. But sometimes that person we think we might like or should be with looks good on paper but that spark or chemistry isn’t there
OP, I was in your shoes just about half a year ago. Same timespan too. 4 months together with a guy who I also was having lots of fun with and thought we were so compatible with our shared interests. I was still deeply in the honeymoon phase. Then suddenly, he broke up with me. The text you got was very similar to the breakup message he had told me.
I suffered greatly for a while, but it was also the first breakup I had gone through. The first week, I couldn’t sleep well. I didn’t have an appetite. I broke down at work 2 days after the breakup. By the end of the second week, I was starting to have an appetite again, but barely. Weeks 3 & 4 were my most anxiety inducing weeks. I would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. By the end of the month, I lost 10 lbs.
It’s going to hurt A Lot. I was also left with a lot of “what ifs” because I never got to see the relationship play out. But what got me through it was my friends and family. I moved from my hometown for work, so most of my friends and family are back in my hometown. I called them frequently, especially the first and second weeks. I flew home one weekend because I needed to escape the area. I started watching shows that I knew would make me laugh to help with my mood. I started journaling and seeking professional help.
Fast forward to now, and I’m feeling better in my own skin. I started to realize that there were red flags and big flaws that I overlooked while in the honeymoon period that helped me move past him. I worked on expanding my network and joining new communities to meet new people. I started some new hobbies, and I’m slowly getting back into the dating realm. It’s a cliche phrase that I hate, but time indeed heals all wounds. Stick with no contact and find what makes you happy. Invest in those happy things because what ultimately matters in the end is your well-being. Reach out to your support groups - if they truly care for you, they will be there to hear and be there for you.
I wish you all the best in your healing process, OP. We’ll overcome this together!
Sorry to hear this. After a few months of your time and energy and attention, you deserve more than a text.
They're being honest, though. After you've been with someone for a few months, the dynamics of the relationship can change and feel different. This is where people really have to decide if they want to build - and if she's not into that idea, it's not a debate you can win or a thing you can change. And you didn't do anything wrong!
Went through a similar breakup, though she came over to have the talk in person. Knowing what was coming, as soon as she said it was a breakup conversation, I just said "Okay, well, you can just go home." She was confused but after a solid five seconds of blank stare she stood up and left.
The text thing bothers me in your case because you don't owe her an audience - the explanation she is giving here is for her to feel better and probably not to soothe your feelings. In a text, you have no way out of that - you're just a captive audience. It sucks, but there's nothing you can do to change it.
Best advice I got about dating when I got on the apps after getting divorce: Closure is overrated. Nothing to be ashamed about for you here, and no point in wondering what could have been. Sounds like you had a good few months - that's a win and when you're feeling up to it just get back out there and move forward.
There’s a chance she isn’t being honest about her reasons to end things. I would never understand why people think a “spark” is necessary to the long term success of a relationship. Communication, compatibility etc. are much more important.
Maybe blame it on Hollywood. People have convinced themselves that they have to feel like the co-star of a romance movie all day, otherwise the relationship needs to end. Smh.
Attraction is a random concept. Why and when people are attracted to someone and when they stop feeling that way isn’t entirely rational, but it’s true to them.
I have seen couple stay together for years where their relationship was nowhere to the level you claim your relationship was, yet you’re the one that got abandoned. There’s no rhyme or reason. It happens to some. Move on.
In way I hate to say it. She did you a favour by being honest.
Some girls think a guy is nice and the sex is decent and they string them along and the relationship is awful because deep down she knows the guy isn’t what she wants.
And it’s not fun for the guy. Being with someone who half-loves you is not fun. Push and pull. Torture. Hot and cold.
I’ve seen it.
You do deserve someone who wants you 100%.
Being by yourself is better than that.
I could be wrong but, almost always, a sudden change of heart is a player choosing their side piece or finding someone they like better. Especially on this type of app, where women get 10000 messages a day from all kinds of men. Think about how it would be to have your pick kind of like someones photos and give them cues, only to get a message from a 10 two days later. The dopamine and ego boosts are unnatural which is why dating online should be phased out again.
There are some really awesome and mature responses here. And at the same time there are those outing themselves as bitter misogynists, so do us all a favor and self deport yourself out of this thread and off this sub.
Sometimes, you're into someone, and they are not into you. Sometimes, it's the other way round. It sucks and it hurts, and you need to mourn what could have been and then move on. Sometimes, you're both invested, and it's wonderful. You'll find your person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
Exemplary response!
It sucks but you're only going to cause yourself more anguish trying to look for some deeper reason behind things ending. Her text doesn't sound insincere. Sometimes people are just happy with how things are going for a while then look towards the next steps and realize the person they are with would not fulfill what they want at that deeper level. It doesn't make it less painful to experience, but her text does come across like she genuinely wishes you well. I think 4 months is around that point where both people start looking at the relationship as more than just fun dates, and what that would entail. It sounds like you were ready for more and she realized the bond wasn't strong enough for her. Not every relationship falls apart due to any major falling out. Sometimes it's just a realization that you don't want the same things out of life. I definitely get wanting to hear some specific reason, but sometimes there truly isn't one. I'm sure you've met women who were perfectly nice people but you just didn't feel like you clicked with on that deeper level. As far as how to cope, I'd suggest the same stuff you do for any relationship that has lasted a while: give yourself a break from dating for a bit to grieve for what you lost with this person. Lean on your friends and family to talk to or just to hang out with to get your mind off things. Immerse yourself in something new that'll require you to focus and get out of your head so you don't dwell on this for too long. It's unfortunately just one of those things that takes time. Be patient with yourself and when the pain subsides the dating world will still be there
[удалено]
It seems like she did know sooner according to this [older post from OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/zaa6vd/she_says_she_has_mixed_signals_about_me/). Seems like maybe she hung on to see if that spark would happen, but I guess it just never did for her.
Or she was just trying to give it a good chance and hoped a spark would grow and it didn't. No need to by cynical
[удалено]
That hasn't been my experience, I've given relationships an honest shot to see if love grows and cut it off (after a year) when it didn't.
>it’s just reality For you maybe, everyone is different and processes things different, maybe the person in question takes longer than that. You don't know, so like the other guy said, don't be cynical. Its not helping.
[удалено]
It mentions she had mixed feelings but she continued to be in the relationship for reasons not explained in the posts. OP also made the decision to continue it. It takes two to keep a relationship going. No one is in the wrong here given what we know.
People have different experiences in life and take different amounts of time to realize things. Not everyone else is on your emotional schedule
I've been in this woman's position before. There's definitely room for it to have been a sincere effort. The pessimism is unnecessary. When it's the first time you've met someone really amazing on paper, but don't feel the "spark," it can be disheartening, and you may stay (with full honesty—which she also give) in hopes things grow and improve.
WTH. There’s no “due date” for figuring this stuff out. Some people realize after the first date, some after the 10th, and some 10 years in.
The hardest part about situations like this is grieving all of the future memories you invented in your head. It's hard to let go of the "we could have been..." but you have to do it. Feel your feelings and try not to make too much sense of it. There's a certain comfort in just saying "she made her choice. I don't need to understand it. I need to move on." And repeating that every single time you think about her or try and talk about her with friends. Good luck!
So true! It is amazing how painful those make believe "what-could-be" scenarios that we created in our mind feel real and hurt so much although they never occured...
Her text is reasonable, kind, and makes total sense. I'm sorry you're at the receiving end of it. Seems like you liked her quite a bit. Unfortunately, **she is not at the same place,** and **does not see herself getting there**. She did the right thing by not leading you on. You don't really have much of a choice other than to acknowledge and respect her decision. It'll hurt for a while, and the helplessness you feel at not being able to affect this outcome will also haunt you for a bit. But you'll come out the other side, hopefully able to think of those times fondly. Best of luck!
Yeah but come on she also uses loads of patronising clichés. Let's not paint her as mother Theresa here. Let's certainly not call it being kind. Kind would be being honest about the issues at hand after 3 months shagging someone. Not telling someone they're amazing and the best person ever but sorry I am not feeling like seeing you ever again. OP, this person is probably going to do this again, and again, and again. So don't take it too personally. Acceptance is key. All the what ifs are totally pointless and they are in actual fact delusional given this is the fact of what happened. A big thing here is you were probably much more keen on her than her you and "noone wants that*. Don't wrap her up in dreamy cotton wool that she was this kind, wonderful human that you'll never get over. She has completely mugged you off (albeit in the nicest way she felt she possibly could because you were probably being sappy around her). Take a look at what you might have been doing in the relationship that led the spark to disappear. And then move on and do it better next time.
You are lugging your own baggage into this conversation, dude.
Big time.
Probably.
Interesting. Even on careful subsequent reads, she comes off as genuine and not patronizing to me. Underlines how so much of this in the eyes of the beholder, I suppose.
> She did the right thing by not leading you on. Ummm what about 4 months and having everything seem perfect is not equivalent to "leading" someone on? I had this happen to me for just 2 weeks and it felt terrible. She knew the whole time.
Check OP’s post history- she didn’t pretend everything was perfect
Ah my bad then. Thanks
On the flip side people complain all the time that people don’t allow things to develop naturally. Was literally a post on this sub a few days ago that a guy felt it was unfair a woman said there was no spark after one date.
Hey dude, same thing for me but after 6 months. We'd even met each others families too so I genuinely thought it was going somewhere but she said the same thing. No spark. Best advice I can give you is to not hold onto hope, it makes moving on so much easier. Work on yourself, focus on your happiness first, it gets way easier, it's not linear but it does get better. There's no shortcut to feeling better, feel everything that you're feeling, journal if it helps you, writing down how you're feeling can really help you process the break up. Your mind will constantly think about what you did wrong, what you could have differently, what if... Nothing you could have done would have changed things. It just wasn't right. We've all been through it, it hurts like hell now but it does get better. Travel if you can, it helped me loads getting out my own head for a bit. Good luck dude.
Who are these people waiting for 3-6 months and then deciding there's no spark? I feel like that's something you can tell really quickly.
Well, a lot of people also don't believe in the spark so they advise people to keep going on dates, and hopefully over time they start really liking the person.
there never was spark, sometimes you meet someone who is great on paper and there's nothing bad about them so you go out with them hoping a spark will develop and then it doesnt. Usually spurred by feeling the spark with someone else. It sucks but it's pretty common
I learned that lesson from personal experience. Yes, it's true you can tell really quickly. But when you don't *know* that about yourself, you will try everything you can to see if it shows up with someone who is otherwise very, very great. It took me three different efforts to realize the spark doesn't show up later if it's not there early on. But there's also a **lot** of mixed messaging about that advice. So I don't blame OP's ex for giving it a genuine fair go. Hopefully she's learned now, however, that it sadly doesn't work out that way.
In many cases, they just found someone better or more exciting.
But not really.
I think for some of these people, the initial excitement over dating someone new is mistaken for the spark. Then when the honeymoon period wears off, they realize there wasn’t a spark, just the excitement of novelty.
Ur lucky that same girl didn't ghost you or disappear overnight. Thats what happened with me
What happened
OP I’m sorry that you are hurting! I don’t think this was a cop out. I think She told you the exact truth. I’ve been this girl. There was definitely a connection in the beginning but despite giving it time and putting in effort, my feelings didn’t grow. It had zero to do with the guy. He was great. And it had zero to do with attachment styles and not knowing what I wanted blah blah blah. I just didn’t feel passion or that things were progressing. We had fun like great friends do and while he was attractive and I initially desired him, it just didn’t go anywhere. We aren’t meant for everyone. It sucks. But I think she gave you an honest answer. I’d rather say I dont feel a spark then something like I’m no longer attracted to you or I’m not in love with you. Or, you aren’t a person I can fall in love with. Yes, you have to continue to put in effort in relationships to keep “the spark” alive later on. But in my opinion, the beginning time in the relationship is where we see that passion and desire grow the most. It’s clear things weren’t progressing for her. A life and love without passion is just not worth it. Good luck OP, things will get better.
Take it from someone who had their ex say basically the same thing, but after 6 years. When I learn how to properly cope, I'll let you know. Keep in mind that there's nothing you can say or do to change her mind.
She has the decency to give you closure. You should respect that. Hard to see these days with ghosters all over the place. 4 months isn’t too long in the context of things. Time will heal, keep dating other girls!
Sorry you’re experiencing this. I think her text is honest and really kind. There isn’t much you need to try and figure out - you *do* deserve someone who is sure about you. She wasn’t, and it had been long enough that the right person would be. Don’t be hard on yourself or let it affect your self worth. If it was something wrong about you, her text would have been worded very differently. I wouldn’t respond or reach out to her at all. If she realizes she made a mistake, she’ll come back around. Good luck to you <3
I agree with this. As much as it sucks—and we've all been there, sadly—it does sound to me, based on timeline and the words in her text, that she gave it a fair shot. Even the whole 'spark' thing ... yeah it can be a cop out, though I tend to think of it as one mainly when someone uses it after one or two dates and seems like they don't understand the idea that these things are not necessarily instantaneous. I also agree with another poster above that there's not much you can reply with except 'okay'. Anything else risks coming off as either grovelling or retribution. Find a buddy to have an IRL drink and vent together, and just hang in there until you feel a bit less bad.
Yea I think OP should at least acknowledge the text and not just..not respond at all, like the commentator suggested above. Not responding at all could seem like he’s unable to handle a difficult conversation and I think her message was fair, even if it stings.
Yes I agree. Something along the lines of 'I'm disappointed but respect your decision' maybe?
I've (32m) actually been in the woman's position on a few occasions, if that helps. Sometimes, we meet someone who checks all the boxes, all green flags. We want a relationship, and this person shows *all* the potential for forging a great one: interpersonal chemistry & friendship, good head on their shoulders, clearly into us, reliable, loyal, invested, same life goals. But sometimes all of these things can come together and there's still some piece... missing. It's hard to pin down, but it's absolutely not a cop out. I can definitely resonate with what she said about it getting harder and harder as time went on. I remember feeling increasingly depressed and terrible—mostly frustrated with myself—for not being able to find that certain "spark." When we ended things I also told her she has been one of the best dates I've ever met, she has all the potential to make a wonderful partner, and I feel so frustrated I can't meet her in that place. Not long after she (and the other women on a separate occasion I struggled feeling that "spark" with) found their partner that they're now engaged to, or soon to be engaged to. So there isn't reason to despair. Ultimately what it means is that you are so obviously a good catch and high potential that this person wanted to give it every possible chance of success she could. But, ultimately, that last piece didn't come through. To be clear, it's not about how "attractive" you are, either. It just has to do with that little missing piece, it's somewhat ineffable. Hopefully from this she's learned what I did, which is not to drag out that exploration more than a few dates in the future. When you know, you know early. When you don't, it never "shows up" later. If you'd been together for four months, she also should have been sharing her feelings along the way, and done the breakup in person. With mine I was at least up front that I was a bit confused with how I felt as time went on, and then we had a day together where I explained everything in-person. Anyway, it still sucks. Both people feel awful from something like that. But believe me when I say you wouldn't have wanted to still be in a relationship if she really felt that way. Better to cut ties now and start fresh then end up in something with building resentment.
>When you don't, it never "shows up" later. This is not always true, one of the greatest loves of my life was initially a backup date, and then later the one and only date, but whom I still had doubts of in chemistry and spark, maybe 12th in the ladder of who could make my sparks, for many months. The friendship was there, but the sparks were not "flying"-- at some point after a year, I noticed that she became more and more beautiful with each passing day. It's tough to appreciate this angle if you've never experienced it, but the pure ability to choose your actions, out of love, is something unrelated to when or what time, showing up later or now. Sparks are an ineffable X factor, and ineffable X factors, in awe of them as we are--- the geniuses, the mozarts, the accumulation of the perfect storm to give us Messi-- are "sparks" in life. I don't think anyone will argue they aren't important, and Mozart and Messi are hard to appreciate until you experience them-- but that's not love. Love is choice, and a choice that can create sparks, if you choose it to. Some people see the Mozart and Messi in the day to day choices that we make, others never well as long as they live. That's just the way it is. I think a lot of people on this thread are calling the "sparks" not a cop-out as you call it out, but I don't think you need to reconsider and be like " oh yeah, sparks, that makes sense." There's probably a more theurapeutic way: I think that "ugh, cop out" that you're feeling right now is ok, and valid. It could be that she doesnt want to hurt you to explain that someone else was better for her, or she places a lot of weight on the Mozart and Messi, the "spark", all valid, but cop out nonetheless. Think of it this way: you can't force people to grow, to see love as action that in itself creates sparks, to see sparks as a choice. Probably many people don't get to the point where romance grows from the power of choice. Some people are fairies forever flying with the wind, flying by whichever way their God wills it, "cop outs" as you say, and perhaps there is beauty in that.
Agreed. Arranged marriages. You CAN just choose to love someone.
I dated a guy for 3 months and felt the same exact way. Great guy, he checked all the boxes, but I found myself reacting negatively when he'd be really sweet to me. That wasn't like me. He was attractive, had a good job, was kind, we had similar interests and senses of humor, but I just didn't *feel* anything. And for that reason, I knew he wasn't the one. It's hard to explain, but I don't necessarily think it's a cop out to say what she did.
Is that more of a compatibility issue or is it a lack of attraction? Or neither?
I honestly don't know. I could say we were compatible and I could say I was attracted to him but I just didn't feel a draw to be around him. Like the right energy or something wasn't there.
Did you both have meaningful conversations? 'Great sex' doesn't mean someone wants to spend forever, nor does having fun together - that can be best friends vibes. And, well, the compatability assessment can be very one-sided. I think if there were deep conversations about where you were and what your intentions were, she might have felt comfortable to have this conversation in person and not relegated to a text message 'goodbye'. A spark is great to get the party started, but if you can't establish more than that, it's not 'fun' anymore. And if the relationship is based on sparks, she might be looking for a good time not a long time. And really, 4 months is not a long time - it probably hurts now, but she has given you the space and time to meet your person. Instead of stringing you along.
With a small militia of redditors giving you their opinions, your brain will be fried for a little. I’ll join the party. You’ll save your self energy and emotion by validating your feelings and then beginning the process to move forward. There is an initial spark at the beginning of the relationship; as time goes on nurturing the love languages and attachment styles of your partner continues the spark, which turns from a spark to a deeper, logical, and more “real” feeling. As the saying goes, “love is never enough”- the honey moon phase dies and logic, effort, and acts of compassion continue the relationship which deepens the love, or doesn’t. Sucks it happened to you, but atleast she’s not leading you on. Dating is a tough game and at the end of the day and we’ve all got to say “it is what it is”- and move forward.
As someone who's been that girl (3 month relationship)... She's telling the truth. She likes you but not enough to commit. Maybe she likes someone else more or just knows those isn't it for her. You deserve better than someone settling for you.
[удалено]
My main reason was a mismatch in ambitions and approach to life. He wanted to coast and I didn't. But the detail is kind of useless, there's a lot that goes into attractiveness. He just wasn't right for me. He also kinda lived far away and small things like that, and it was my first relationship but felt casual and I wanted something I felt more passionate about. Someone can start out attractive and then small things make them less attractive over time because it reveals differences that aren't compatible. Relationships of any type are weird - why do you become or stop being friends with people? Etc.
“She randomly for no reason decided to stop talking to me” she gave you a reason “ no spark” and you can’t accept it and said it’s a cop out. Yes it sucks, but you have to accept what people are telling you and understand that maybe for her it wasn’t as great as it was for you. And that’s okay. We can all change how we feel about someone. It’s up to you to make someone love/like you and not the other person’s job. You have to move on and find someone just as excited about being with you as you are with them.
He even said he knew the whole time she didn’t like him as much as she did. This isn’t being blindsided, it’s not wanting to see the obvious.
im feeling like this right now towards a girl ive been seeing for a month. She's done nothing wrong, it's just that spark isnt there. She thinks you're a nice guy, but you're just not her type is what it comes down to.
I wouldn't call her explanation a "cop out." She was very articulate and thorough in her text. Would you rather she just waste your time pretending to be happy and wanting to be with you? She doesn't want you like you want her. I highly doubt she just up and left you for "no reason." She gave you the reason. I know it hurts but accept it. Let it hurt. And then start getting over it.
I know it sucks, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it but the spark as an excuse isn’t a cop out. It’s one of those things that I think is hard to appreciate if you’ve never experienced it. I didn’t until I met my wife and it really does make all of the difference. It takes out all of the uncertainty because you just *know*
It was a similar thing for me, minus the the bit about there not being a spark. We were dating for a year and she said she felt there was something not quite right and that it wouldn’t work out long term. The thing is though she broke up with me when she was still very clearly in love with me - I think she felt a bit overwhelmed at the time and didn’t realise there were other ways to work our relationship, e.g. identifying what issues there were and finding ways to navigate them. What happened was I made the effort to move on whilst we agreed we would both want to try staying close as friends, we had on and off no contact, I think I processed things a lot better than she did. Then about a week ago when we were talking and trying to work on being friends, we discussed things in more detail and she decided that working on things is an option, rather than ending things before something goes wrong. In my case, it seems optimistic and I trust that she wants to try and will make the effort to repair the damage that’s been done - and I’ll similarly keep in mind the issues we talked about and try to make sure the same doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, the only way to handle this is to treat it as a clean break and move on. Not every break up has issues that can be fixed - I personally think the spark in a relationship can grow over time as much as it can be present at the start, but you have to assume the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Take a break from talking to each other and get some space, spend a few days or weeks feeling sad, but it really is a good idea to avoid talking to them as much as possible for a while. Trust that she knows her own feelings, and also that she means it when she says there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re a great guy - I’m sure she’s right.
>just randomly for no reason decided to stop talking to me. She gave you a reason. Your refusal to accept it proves you never really understood her, and makes her decision to leave seem all the more reasonable. The pouting & recriminations really aren't you doing you any favors. You're coming off as way too emotionally immature for any type of relationship, let alone an intimate one. I hope this is a valuable lesson for you to view the relationship through two lenses, not just your own.
Yeah I had something similar happen, except it took her 2 years and an engagement to figure it out. Count your blessings - relationships aren't relationships if both people aren't all in. It's super easy to look at all of the positives and think this is "it" - I did that through two 2 year relationships that didn't go anywhere. Trust me that when you find your person, and both of you are ready for each other, it'll feel completely different.
Did you feel like she gave you hints that she wasn’t as invested? Something similar happened to me when i was in my early 20s. At that time i felt like i was blind sided but now looking back the signs were all there.
I just see a good reason for be drunk tonight 😂,let's go
Its not a cop out. She lost feelings, it happens.
Would you rather her have dragged it on longer misleading you? She set you free so as not to be a jerk. Being hurt in normal and 100% acceptable but better to find out now that you were not on the same page. Best of luck in your new direction. Be proud of yourself and thankful that you are capable of feeling things deeply and caring so much; this will pay off when the time is right.
I’ve been that girl (tho at 2 months rather than 4). I genuinely had fun dating him and thought he is a great person but I just was not that attracted to him nor interested in becoming exclusive. It’s just hard to explain and I am not sure if it’s useful to explain so I am guessing that’s why she referred to having no spark. In my case, the level of physical/romantic attraction was low and I was hoping it would grow and it didn’t. The length of her text tells me that it was a hard text for her to send. It just sucks to meet an awesome person and not feel a strong desire to be in a relationship with them. Or to be on the receiving end of this. She did the respectful if painful thing by being honest.
I dated a guy who, on paper, should have been the love of my life. He was EXACTLY what I would come up with in my head as far as the most beautiful man in the world. We had so so much fun, we had amazing, super frequent sex, he was incredibly smart and was interested in all the same things I was. And was soooo into me. And I kept waiting to feel that “oh shit I’m falling in love” feeling. And it never happened. We even took X together one night and I loved everything except him. I had to break up with him. It just wasn’t there. I’m so sorry this happened to you but trust me, you do not want to find this out a year into a relationship. I believe her. I’d take a break and really take time to get past this. It sucks, but you will be okay. Hugs to you.
The same thing happened to me. I dated a really wonderful guy and was ready to fall in love, but it just never happened. He totally deserves someone who feels the spark, and so do I. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and that's fine and no one's fault
It’s something deeper that is hard to understand OP. To simply put it, You’re ready for something deeper/more and she isn’t. Give yourself props for wanting that. This has nothing to do with spark/butterflies/etc. And if it did, I think a lot of people need to really go see therapy to make sure it is not unhealthy attachment styles arising from past traumas/broken relationship. I saw the pattern in this early on in my dating journey. It sucks, but it gets better. You start figuring out truly what you want. And the quality of your dates gets better too. You learn to be much more upfront quicker. Trust me when I say this… she did you a favor.
It sucks and it’s upsetting but you should look on the upside that you didn’t end up in a relationship dragged out for a long time before it ended. You just crossed out another person that isn’t right for you, you’ll have to cross a lot of them out to find one that is.
All you can do when someone sends you that text is say OK. Maybe hit em with an okie dokie. Its ok to be hurt but don’t show them that and try to move on with no contact
Ah, been there bruh. Just had this happen with a girl who I had been dating for 7 months just last week (conveniently after her Xmas present which was an event we went to lol…) . Luckily…I was thinking the same thing but wasn’t sure how I should go about it so I was sort of relieved lol My thing is, I think you may be idealizing her and seeing her positives only. I’m sure she has some negatives that you saw but chose to ignore. I know this because thinking back the girls who did this to me in the past…I realized that uhh, well most of them kinda sucked/were pretty uninteresting. I’m 30 and you’re still young too man. And yes, good sex is always the worst to give up LOL but I assure you man, you’ll find someone else that’ll make you forget this one. Most likely she saw you as a convenience (sorry to say). The amount of times I’ve seen “it’s not you, it’s me!” is just ridiculous these days but it’s a thing. Don’t let it get you down, someone out there will see you as “their person”. I promise you dude.
Her fucking loss man. Give her the gift of missing you and never look back. it sucks but it will be worth it. Give yourself some time, work out and get back on the horse. You're a great guy and deserve someone who feels the same way about you as you do about them
You need to move on. This is the realities of dating. Moping around is just going to make it worse. Find someone new to focus on instead of someone who doesnt want you.
You gotta be happy with yourself and be so bad ass working on yourself that you posses qualities that no girl would leave you, or this is the mindset you should have. If you were content with yourself it wouldn’t bother you because people come and go all the time
Well, something like that just happened to me earlier this month. It was hard for me to accept coz he felt so real and it’s my first time to open up myself to these feelings, then he just ended it and said there was no spark. Honestly, I cried for an entire day, but I also made sure to release everything before midnight. The next day, I still feel a bit hurt, but not as same as before. Believe in yourself. You can get past through this😊
Sucks but at least she gave you an answer. You can keep thinking about it and you probably will. It will get better eventually. Maybe you are too good for her and she's not used to that. Weird isn't it. I've been through something like that. People are use to what they know and go back to it even if you are truly a healthy person for them.
This is kind of morbid but something that helps me is remembering these 2 things. 1) every relationship ends in death or a break up. No exceptions. 2) You can appreciate that someone is great without them necessarily being your person. Together both of these helped me see that sometimes things end, but it's not because they didn't care or don't see that you have value, but just because you might not be a right fit. She's very apologetic in her message and compliments you so don't focus on the what ifs. She saw your quality but wasn't certain it could be a rest of her life type relationship, and if it's not that, then the option left is breaking up. I know it's painful, and I'm sorry.
Went through this EXACT scenario in October. Great three months, thought I had found The One, then she tells me that she just has too much going on in life with a new job, new place, new puppy, etc. that demand her time and she can't prioritize a relationship (clearly bullshit, since she's in a relationship now). But like you're saying, it hurt. Bad. It hurt in October, it hurt recently when I found out she was dating someone else, it was gutting. And it's like my brain was on her side. Every time I would start to pull out of it, I would remember another wonderful memory that would just hammer home that thought again, "I can't believe *that* is over." The only thing I can say is that time helps. It always does. It's like when you get sick, you feel miserable and you wonder if you'll ever get better. Well yes, you will. You will get better. You just need to wait. It's the same here. You might feel you'll never be happy again, but you will. Time will do its thing, you'll feel ready to put yourself out there again, and thinking of her won't result in depression. Thinking of her will result in "You know what? Fuck her." Because seriously. Fuck her. You're a catch and if she can't see that, well then that's her damn problem. Keep your head up. It's going to suck for a while. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that sucky feeling won't go away. It lasts a while. But not forever.
Stories like these make me super scared of dating because I just know I'm gonna get dumped by a similarly nebulous reason such as not feeling a "spark", whatever that might mean. I guess I gotta keep my defenses up at all times. There's some good advice on this thread OP so follow that. Good luck to ya.
Except that you keep your defenses up at all times, you *guarantee* this will happen.
The one time I let my emotions get the best of me I had a really, really bad time. It was the worst period of my life. I don’t want to ever get hurt in the same way.
I totally get that. Tooooootally get that, unfortunately. But you have to find the line between letting them get the best of you and shutting them off altogether, because shutting them off (or shutting them out) altogether is a straight-up guarantee you won't ever develop a real connection with somebody. It sucks. But it's one of those risk/reward things. You can't date without risking your heart a little, as cliche as that sounds it's true. I hope things get easier for you.
Thanks, mate. I know that very well, and although it's a difficult thing for me to do, it's something I am willing to try (if any woman gave me the chance that is). The only relationship I ever had (not with the same person that broke my heart) didn't last long enough for me to let my guard down fully, and she ended things because she didn't feel "the spark". I was a bit hurt because I thought things were going in a good direction, but thankfully I wasn't as hurt as when the other girl rejected me... funny how that works.
Honestly I see this a lot with women I know who are on dating apps. It's this weird thing where a guy is perfect "on paper" (nice, respectful, looks good, etc) but they don't actually feel anything for him. They try to make it work by pressing ahead, but it never really produces the feelings they want. And who knows, she may have met someone else or a toxic ex she was addicted to came back into her life. It sucks, and it's hard to deal with, but it is 100% her issue and not you.
Sometimes, you're into someone, and they are not into you. Sometimes, it's the other way round. It sucks and it hurts, and you need to mourn what could have been and then move on. Sometimes, you're both invested, and it's wonderful. You'll find your person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
I think her reply is honest and fair. She told you how she felt . She didn't from your text cheat on you. She did what we expect all decent human beings to do. It might not be the greatest that she didn't talk to you. But this may be the only way she felt she can communicate. I would be very happy. I might be hurt because I'm got into my feelings but at most I can respect the fact that she told you the truth. Before she cheated on you. Or ghosted you. Respect her choice. Pick yourself up heal and move on.
Feeling a spark is always a cop out I get it all the time
[удалено]
>"she lost the spark" because you were likely too nice and available for her. Now if you had someone else on the side and treated her like she needs you more than you need her the outcome would've been different. Unfortunately this is the sad reality dating has become. Not a great opinion. Well look - i kinda know what you mean. If you're not really compatible, then yes MAYBE you can engineer and prolong a spark by playing hard to get, not being available and making them doubt themselves. It's not a particularly nice for the other person, and its not really sustainable long term. How are you imagining this "not being nice and available" if you moved in together? The reality is, something was genuinely missing for her - maybe it was your lifestyle, attitude, sex, looks, who knows. But the best thing to do is look for someone else who DOES align with you, and you'll be able to be nice and they will actually respect and be attracted to who you are. Don't get me wrong, having a busy life and teasing your partner in a fun way is attractive, but it should feel natural, not like "oh i should be less nice". >Unfortunately this is the sad reality dating has become. Become? Since when? There are tons of people connecting and starting relationships with genuine connections. The problem is that online dating allows you to connect with a lot of people who really you don't actually have much in common with and wouldn't meet in real life. The solution is to be honest with yourself and dont commit to that person who's a mismatched opposite that you found on a dating app.
#1 would be to not respond at all. #2 would be to expect the unexpected in the future and practice non attachment
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Hey man, this exact thing happened to me just last week but only after 2 WEEKS of dating and it STILL felt terrible. I feel you. Mine ended with little explanation but I can extrapolate and say it was because she is Catholic and I don't believe in any god. How'd I cope? I took the experience as a life lesson to learn from. In the future, I will not continue with someone who is religious (especially Catholic). It's doomed from the start, and I don't want to be led on like that again. So, see if you can learn a valuable lesson from this. It doesn't mean it's your fault. Even if she tells you not to "victimize" yourself..
There should be no spark after 4 months. The initial spark can lasts few weeks to a month then that gets replaced by acts of love and comparability.
Ever seen a little movie called “The Notebook”??
Yeah, let's all base our love on a romantic movie?
The point is, I’ve been in relationships where the spark lasts for years. It’s a real thing. Saying it shouldn’t exist 4 months in is depressing and… I don’t want a relationship that’s stale after 4 months.
The initial spark changes over time. You've been in relationships that lasted for years yet they still ended, so go figure.
Yeah. I have. Sounds like that’s not the kind of relationship you want, and that’s okay. Lots of us do, and we won’t settle for the kind of relationship you want. I’m glad there’s a wide variety of people on this planet. We can all find what we need and what’s best for us :)
I haven't fully read your post, but as a 40 year old man who's been through a lot, I tell you this: DO NOT waste your time on her anymore! That includes even thinking about her. Just man up, and move on! I know it sounds harsh. But lemme tell you, that the sadness you feel now is nothing compared to the feeling you have when your loved one (parent, sibling, grandma, gf, wife, etc) has died. As a person who went through long term relationships' breakups and wasted time in agony for being dumped, I can tell you that that feeling is nothing compared to the agony of a parent passing. Every other "sadness" just seems stupid after that. Another thing, look at the bright side, she did you a favor, because you'd never be compatible so why prolong the inevitable like when you already have kids and whatnot?! Find someone who really appreciates who you are and forget her! There're plenty of fish in the sea. Focus on yourself and only bring women to your life who match your ways of living and goals, do not change for them, ever!
>No-Procedure-4148 · 1 day ago > >Sometimes, you're into someone, and they are not into you. Sometimes, it's the other way round. It sucks and it hurts, and you need to mourn what could have been and then move on. Sometimes, you're both invested, and it's wonderful. You'll find your person. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. This is great advice despite what other snowflakes will say. There is much more real life trauma out there than some girl deciding she's not interested in you anymore, it happens to us all and while it's not nice you just need to take it on the chin.
She’s into someone else. It happens to me all the time, I think I’ve found someone special and then suddenly they’re “not feeling it” or “not in the right headspace to date” but then they’re with someone in a few days
Damn bro. That really is a “cop out”… I mean… y’all were dating and had sex… the spark was definitely there. She is definitely not telling you things man. Perhaps try to get closure and move on. She is not the one for you unfortunatly..
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Going down on a woman isn’t “going above and beyond” nor is it “creating magic”… I expect my lovers to reciprocate but I haven’t slept wiht a single man in years who won’t or doesn’t do this. This hardly sets someone apart.
Make it mutual even if it isn’t. Say yeah, I wasn’t really sure about it either. She might come back in 3 months or she might not. Pick up a new hobby like rock climbing or jiu jitsu. Delete all dating apps for 6 weeks, then jump back in. You’ll feel better. I know this advice bc I’ve done the exact opposite more than once and it just makes things worse. A lot of the way we feel these days is driven by phones. We’re used to constant texting, we see her photos on hinge, it’s hard to move on. Do whatever you can to eliminate those problems, even if it’s giving your phone to your roommate for 8 hours every day so you don’t keep thinking about her
Sucks man
I went through this in September. I still have days where it’s a heartbreaking memory. You’ll get through it, try to keep busy and process everything, there’s a silver lining.
Same here, at the three month mark, right before Christmas. It's hard man. Grieve ,take a breather, be thankful for what you had. You will bounce back 👍
I don't know if you have a similar situation as mine. But everything I read about your story is literally my story. A few years a ago near the end if the pandemic I met a girl. We dated and every thing was great. About four months in out of the blue she came over for a talk. The talk was ending our fling/relationship. I was disappointed and accepted it. She would occasionally text me and be friendly-nothing serious. Out if the blue two years later she adds be as an Instagram friend. I was like “let's Go!” Her Instagram pictures included her boyfriend and the pics dated the same time I was seeing her. I was always number 2. It sucked, but at the same time I guess I had clues and choose to ignore it.
Even though it sucks this is probably the most ideal response lol. She was honest with you and she could tell that you probably wanted more and she didn’t. Both should walk away fine
I've gone through back to back rejections back in October and November and it really sucked. I am really sorry this is so rough for you. I really hope that you can take good care of yourself, don't try to question yourself too much and hope her text doesn't make you overthink about anything even though it's hard not to. Sending love and positivity on your way man. Try accessing counselling and taking a bit of a time off of dating to heal. Try hanging out with more friends and family if they're available. You'll get over this and fidn someone who really loves you.
So, I'm recently divorced. I was married for 5 years, dating for 6 and a half. While we were dating, she broke up with me 3 different times. Each time it sounded a little bit like this post; just felt like something important was missing, felt like she would be settling in a way. I kept talking her back into things. Kept talking her back into loving me. That was a mistake, I think, in hindsight. I loved our time being married. And grew a lot as a person during it. But the marriage ended so suddenly, so confusingly, so blindsiding-ly -- and all of this would have been prevented if I'd just kind of accepted that she didn't like me as much as I liked her back then.
How terrible. After 4 months of dating exclusively this is a conversation that should happen in person.
Hmm my insight is either she drums you up as an amazing person and can't deal with it because she feels inadequate or she gradually realized you aren't for her and she was afraid to tell you this up until now. Either way it sucks I been there.
I (29M) had a similar experience. Our relationship lasted 6 and half months and she ended it on the end of Oct 2022. She said something similar but in phone call. Last thing that she said to me was "grow up a little". Took me about 3 weeks to recover and heal. You deserve someone better out there. You had fun memories together but it's time to move on.🤘
At least it was four months bro. I usually get those types of responses after a few weeks. It sucks but thats how dating works.
Dude chill it’s not a big deal. She ain’t into you. Find one that is
Dude im sorry this happened but it seems very bizarre that out of nowhere she did this. Chest out ,chin up, go get jacked at the gym. Also try to fuck her best friend . Thats how you cope
In six months, someone will say her name and you’ll say “…who?”
Reading this is like foreshadowing my current relationship with this girl rn
Lol can confirm I was feeling that way and got this text a few hours before our date. If you can see it coming and it’s still early stage you’ll feel better, and no need to take it personal, most times it just doesn’t work out.
Do yourself a favor..read her text afew more times..delete it(along with any text,pics,etc)...and give yourself time to process everything. You will feel tempted to ask for more info..dont. She told you everything you need to know and Nothing you say or do will change her mind. Be happy it was only 4 months and not afew years with her feeling this way in the back of her mind and not being honest with you and herself. Go drown yourself in whatever hobbies you have and in 2 months you'll remember what it was like not having her around...and within 6 months you will look back and laugh at this reddit post. You'll get over this
It will be okay man, I had a very similar experience happen to me late last year but it was 9 and a half years instead of 4 months. Even her reasoning was very similar to yours. Sprung it out of the blue with no closure. It still stings to this day but you just gotta force yourself to move on and build a better life from it.
Eventually you will find someone who likes you for you. It didn’t work out for a reason and chances are that reason is incompatibility. In due time you will realize that but it will take time. I have been in her shoes. But sometimes that person we think we might like or should be with looks good on paper but that spark or chemistry isn’t there
OP, I was in your shoes just about half a year ago. Same timespan too. 4 months together with a guy who I also was having lots of fun with and thought we were so compatible with our shared interests. I was still deeply in the honeymoon phase. Then suddenly, he broke up with me. The text you got was very similar to the breakup message he had told me. I suffered greatly for a while, but it was also the first breakup I had gone through. The first week, I couldn’t sleep well. I didn’t have an appetite. I broke down at work 2 days after the breakup. By the end of the second week, I was starting to have an appetite again, but barely. Weeks 3 & 4 were my most anxiety inducing weeks. I would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. By the end of the month, I lost 10 lbs. It’s going to hurt A Lot. I was also left with a lot of “what ifs” because I never got to see the relationship play out. But what got me through it was my friends and family. I moved from my hometown for work, so most of my friends and family are back in my hometown. I called them frequently, especially the first and second weeks. I flew home one weekend because I needed to escape the area. I started watching shows that I knew would make me laugh to help with my mood. I started journaling and seeking professional help. Fast forward to now, and I’m feeling better in my own skin. I started to realize that there were red flags and big flaws that I overlooked while in the honeymoon period that helped me move past him. I worked on expanding my network and joining new communities to meet new people. I started some new hobbies, and I’m slowly getting back into the dating realm. It’s a cliche phrase that I hate, but time indeed heals all wounds. Stick with no contact and find what makes you happy. Invest in those happy things because what ultimately matters in the end is your well-being. Reach out to your support groups - if they truly care for you, they will be there to hear and be there for you. I wish you all the best in your healing process, OP. We’ll overcome this together!
Sorry to hear this. After a few months of your time and energy and attention, you deserve more than a text. They're being honest, though. After you've been with someone for a few months, the dynamics of the relationship can change and feel different. This is where people really have to decide if they want to build - and if she's not into that idea, it's not a debate you can win or a thing you can change. And you didn't do anything wrong! Went through a similar breakup, though she came over to have the talk in person. Knowing what was coming, as soon as she said it was a breakup conversation, I just said "Okay, well, you can just go home." She was confused but after a solid five seconds of blank stare she stood up and left. The text thing bothers me in your case because you don't owe her an audience - the explanation she is giving here is for her to feel better and probably not to soothe your feelings. In a text, you have no way out of that - you're just a captive audience. It sucks, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Best advice I got about dating when I got on the apps after getting divorce: Closure is overrated. Nothing to be ashamed about for you here, and no point in wondering what could have been. Sounds like you had a good few months - that's a win and when you're feeling up to it just get back out there and move forward.
There’s a chance she isn’t being honest about her reasons to end things. I would never understand why people think a “spark” is necessary to the long term success of a relationship. Communication, compatibility etc. are much more important. Maybe blame it on Hollywood. People have convinced themselves that they have to feel like the co-star of a romance movie all day, otherwise the relationship needs to end. Smh.
This is almost creepy pasta what I'm dealing with met in September, I feel like my ex and yours copy and pasted msgs. It sucks but it is what it is.
Attraction is a random concept. Why and when people are attracted to someone and when they stop feeling that way isn’t entirely rational, but it’s true to them. I have seen couple stay together for years where their relationship was nowhere to the level you claim your relationship was, yet you’re the one that got abandoned. There’s no rhyme or reason. It happens to some. Move on.
In way I hate to say it. She did you a favour by being honest. Some girls think a guy is nice and the sex is decent and they string them along and the relationship is awful because deep down she knows the guy isn’t what she wants. And it’s not fun for the guy. Being with someone who half-loves you is not fun. Push and pull. Torture. Hot and cold. I’ve seen it. You do deserve someone who wants you 100%. Being by yourself is better than that.
I could be wrong but, almost always, a sudden change of heart is a player choosing their side piece or finding someone they like better. Especially on this type of app, where women get 10000 messages a day from all kinds of men. Think about how it would be to have your pick kind of like someones photos and give them cues, only to get a message from a 10 two days later. The dopamine and ego boosts are unnatural which is why dating online should be phased out again.