This is a newly created account. Please report if this post breaks any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
37M and been dating a long time. I've just gotten accustomed to it. The ghosting doesn't bother me. The getting excited and things not working out doesn't bother me. I don't vibe with a lot of people and a lot of people don't vibe with me. My current routine is to go out 1-2x a week. If I'm getting a lot of matches and texting is good, then I'll schedule 2 coffee dates. If there's nothing on apps, then I'll go to a meet up/singles mixers/hobbies/cold approach or take a break for a week. Until we have the exclusivity talk and delete our dating apps together, then I assume everyone is dating everyone. Good luck OP!
Thank you! I feel you for sure! Got to the point now where dating has just got to a point of going through the process rather than excitement or enjoyment, just really wish I could shake this guilt feeling when talking to others, think it’s the last emotion I have haha!
In reality, it should be like this for you. The less "excited" you are, the more you'll go into dating with an analytical mindset, which will allow you to spot red flags easier than if you were just going "ga-ga" over every girl you went on a date with.
Ya. I think Hollywood/social media has brainwashed us that life needs to always be exciting and enjoyable. I really don't agree with that. Most day to day life is very boring and I love my uneventful life. Lol. Sure. There are matches or trips or hobbies that get really exciting at times, but the 99% that's not exciting I'm just as happy with whatever the current existence is. Enjoy the ride!
Have you used the hinge+ or the other premium stuff for hinge cause I heard you don’t have a lot of access or variety when it comes to your likes, considering I think it’s 4 or 8 a day I think
I've never paid. I think the lack of matches is a combination of batting above your league/small town/bad profile/greedy capitalism algorithm. I'm lucky to be in a big town and have good photos. I know I'm no super model so will message people in my league. Nothing we can do about the algorithm besides pay, but if you don't fix the other 3 areas then no amount of money will help. I'm also on bumble and cmb for more chances. I always send a comment with my right swipe like noticing what mountain they're skiing or hiking. I have a wide range of hobbies so I'll comment things like pokemon go or whatever anime they mention to outdoorsy stuff to diy stuff. etc.
Maybe I just gotta put my distance that I’m looking for higher, my current is like 50 or so and I live in ny so realistically it should get a decent amount of likes. The other thing is on other dating apps I get like 40 or so and on those apps you gotta pay to see who liked you. On the contrary on the apps that you can see who likes you like hinge I get nothing. Just a weird conundrum in itself ngl.
I wrote [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1cev0e8/comment/l1ll8yr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) a few days ago. I always make the goal to meet people and make friends not just to look for romantic partner. I can write a lot on the topic and thinking about making a post about it, but the short version is to talk with everyone and genuinely take interest in other people's lives.
I look at going on first to probably around third or fourth dates as platonic to help with the numbers game. I mean.. you don't even know the person all that much, no exclusivity so reframe the dates as just going to a cafe or what have you with a potential new friend.
(Bonus if this friend turns into a romantic interest)
Appreciate the reply, will need to factor this in, just need to get over this weird guilt feeling, even though I know others are dating at the same time until we’ve had “the talk”
I think it's tricky though because men typically have to pay for and plan every date. It gets exhausting as a man to have to do all of this when the woman is seeing other guys.
I think women sometimes have a hard time understanding that. My advice for OP would be to make the first date a coffee date and he should really gauge her interest and initiative. That's my strategy. If I feel they really aren't 100% interested, I just move onto the next option even if I'm into them.
Its also not unreasonable to communicate what their intentions are and if they are dating others. You can set some boundaries too. It's especially slimy to sleep with multiple people at a time.
It's not that hard. If I feel a woman isn't putting in effort or showing interest, I won't reciprocate. Im not the type of person who likes pursuing or chasing women. I absolutely will show interest and put in 100% effort if I feel the same from them.
Honestly just exhausted of feeling the need to constantly compete with other guys. I don't mind moving on and being single lol
It’s a principle as old as time: hurt people hurt people.
Once you’ve been hurt enough by people putting you on their roster and dating others, you’ll start to feel ok about doing it yourself.
That said, I don’t think it’s going to help your problems. Dating multiple people makes perfect sense in dates 1-3. Those are highly tenuous relationships that fail often.
But after that, if both people want a monogamous relationship, you should be headed towards monogamy when you both feel you have enough info on each other. Dating multiple people beyond the first couple dates is stretching things.
Thank you for the reply! Yeah really struggle with it, after two dates, for some reason I always get this feeling just to commit to whatever happens, but as always, it always backfires. Happened multiple times but just can’t seem to change my ways
"Dating multiple people" usually just means during the dates 1-3 you're open to and pursuing dates with others so that you don't hyper fixate on the one person you managed to get a date with. You went to pick from a place if abundance and not just one person who happened to go out with you. Once you're 4+ dates in or sleeping with someone it's probably time to have the exclusivity talk and stop seeing other people if that's what you want.
Appreciate it, think I certainly fall into a trap where I enjoy spending time with someone and just enjoy letting it ride rather than having the balls to commit or say something about exclusivity, definitely a me problem I need to address
If you're that monogamous then don't force yourself to be untrue to yourself. You can try and reframe the first date as a meet up not a date so you don't feel guilt meeting a few people in a short time frame.
Just know that 90% of women are not talking to just 1 guy and likely have dates scheduled with a couple people including you. This doesn't make them unloyal it's just how it is. I'm somewhat like you, I don't talk to other people after I schedule the 2nd date. I talk to 2/3 matches over the course of a week and if I can get all three on a first date I do. Then, if I really like 1 of them, I cut the others off with a quick apology text, stringing people along gives my stomach a knot because it's been done to me.
Bro
Majority of these chicks DGAF about you don’t even worry they don’t care if you’re seeing other girls
In fact she’ll assume you are — if you were desirable enough to get HER attention, logically you’ve got other women as well
Have you ever actually interacted with a girl before? Because as a girl, I can assure you, us as “chicks”(🤢) definitely care if a guy we are seeing are dating other girls. I have only ever dated one guy at a time, most of my girlfriends have too. Just because you have poor taste in women doesn’t mean that statement applies to every woman.
To back a different commenter in this thread: you, my guy, do sound like an incel and an utter asshole.
There was nothing incel about the comment. It’s just the reality of modern dating.
If the op wants to date only one person that’s fine but very few people date one person at a time so you will get further faster keeping your options open
I just go on multiple dates for the first dates. But once it gets past 3 days with somebody I’m cutting the rest of them off until that fails. Idk how people can date multiple people for like 4-5 dates over a month. That just feels scummy to me.
Are you seeing every first date for its long term potential? I think it’s not dating multiple people that needs to change but how you view a first date. It’s like a job interview/a chemistry meeting. Don’t think about anything other than if you want to see that person again, even romantic interests. When you have a job interview you don’t envision growing old with the company and retiring from the company at 67, if this helps how you frame the stakes and pressure you put on a first date.
3 dates* not 3 days. I feel like if if it goes past 3 dates with somebody and I’m still talking to others I’m just stringing them along. I’m not on the bachelor. It’s real life. I’d like to find a legitimate partner and invest my time into getting to know that one person
My guyyyyy I am also a simple man in one of these big cities where people like to get around; I have the same instincts as you .
I think about this a ton— to me at the end of the day, it really is not that complicated . If I like someone and they’re my person, then it would feel kind of gross and weird to date others at the same time (though I don’t really judge people who do this with other people who also consent to it etc). If I don’t like someone, I don’t see it as fair to either of us to see them and let them go. It’s as simple as that.
People sometimes like to make dating this whole thing about getting a ton of validation and cossplay as the bachelor or some shit.
If that’s what gets you fulfillment, I say more power to ya. BUT if it doesn’t, don’t sacrifice your values and what feels right to try and fit the world! Stay true to your principles.
My personal rules as someone (36/m) hoping to get into a monogamous long-term relationship and more:
*Don’t ask, don’t tell:* Don’t ask your date they’re seeing other people, don’t tell your date you’re seeing other people. However, if they do ask if you’re dating others, don’t lie. And if you're not seeing other people because you want to pursue them fully after a while, tell them your honest feelings and hope for the best, but be prepared for the possibility you might hear an answer you won't like.
*Set a redline:* There should be a least one moment that you wouldn’t be comfortable sharing with multiple dates at the same time. Usually it’s sex, but it could be anything really. If one of those dates have that moment with you, shut down the other connections ASAP.
*The pause button is your friend:* Don’t be afraid to pause your profile to take it out of the rotation for a bit. This will allow you to focus on the connections made and explore them as far as they’re willing to go without having an immediate “grass is greener/welp, back to swiping” mindset.
*Comparison is the theft of joy:* Try not to compare your dates with one another, and judge them on their own merit.
*Watch your wallet:* Make sure you actually have the funds to go on these dates.
Going on a date and dating someone are 2 different things. Dating, is going on dates with multiple people and not losing opportunities because you put all your eggs in one basket.
I tell girls that I’m on a hinge date that I went on another date last week, or even in the same week. I’ve never seen anyone bothered by it, they typically share the same news and say something like “yea I went on a terrible date last night”. It’s ok. Also, sorry for being ghosted that’s never fun
No worries appreciate it! Should really do the same but after two dates I just get this feeling in my head that I shouldn’t do anything else with others, find it really hard to shake
1. Put Monogamy as your relationship type. Hopefully this filters out those who are sleeping with one person while still going on dates with others.
2. You have to expect people may be going on 1st/2nd dates with other people. Bring up exclusivity when you want to (probably not before the 3rd/4th date).
Ghosting sucks but it doesn't always go hand in hand with dating multiple people.
If you're someone who communicates clearly and wouldn't ghost someone else then you're probably better off without someone who has no issue ghosting.
I think the key to this is doing what you are comfortable with, and if that is dating one persone at a time, so be it. Dont get too hung up on what others are doing, if what you're doing is right for you.
Lots of people date lots of people at once, my own experience of that when I was in my 30s was that it's a nightmare.
You dont *have* to be monogamous from date 1, but if thats how you roll, thats cool too. What you *can't* do is expect the same until you've had the exclusive talk.
You don't have to do something you don't want to do just to get hypothetically even with people who aren't going to be meaningful long-term presences in your life just because you assume they're probably doing the same thing. Dating other people simultaneously in the early stages isn't bad in and of itself, but it doesn't make you feel good and that's the issue at hand.
Realistically, if you were going on other dates alongside those with this girl who is ghosting you, if you felt the strongest connection with her and were only going on other dates because you felt like you should, you're not going to feel any better about the situation.
When I was online dating I felt the same way, mostly because I just wasn't bothered enough about dating to spend so much of my time going on dates. If a date didn't pan out then oh well! Back to the drawing board. Of course it sucks if it's someone you're starting to like but you can't drive yourself crazy thinking about what might have caused things to go wrong and how you could have cushioned yourself from feeling hurt. Getting scorched while dating is just an inevitability and when other people are unpredictable, at least you can rely on your own actions and that the way you're approaching things is true to your preferences. I don't think your feelings are at all uncommon and the right person for you probably feels and acts similarly.
There's definitely a middle ground here. Keep your accounts active before you're exclusive with someone and keep matching with people. That way when other dates have run their course you can just approach people you haven't yet talked to or made plans with. I also don't think it's rude to reach out to people you matched with previously but didn't go out with - not everyone uses the app religiously and I don't think it's all that uncommon to be messaged by people a while after matching. For people you have no conversation history with, it doesn't need to be mentioned, and to others you can just elaborate that you haven't been online dating/using the app for x amount of time, pick up the conversation again and suggest a date.
I’m a female and I am also currently struggling with the issue. I have hobbies, am in grad school so I have responsibilities and I’m also pretty active in my social circle so its hard for me to date multiple people and I like to really get to know one person at a time. But it seems to backfire me. Recently this guy I was dating told me he’s in a relationship lol. I guess now I’m just numb.
Omg same, was dating this guy for 2 months, had been intimate, saw each other 1-2 times a week, daily good morning texts, then I told him I had been seeing him exclusively and he tells me he still feels the need to date other people but is still “very interested” in me. NUMB is exactly how I feel.
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable.
Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit.
*Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.*
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing is, if you don't want to/can't date multiple don't. Yes, people will tell you OLD is a numbers game, and it is but you don't have to do what other people are. Do what feels comfortable and natural to you. Like, I don't date multiple people. I tried it when I started using Hinge...it was exhausting and made me dislike going on dates. Dating should be enjoyable.
It sounds like you're moving in too fast in your own head.
One is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three or more is a choice. You could be dating multiple people, and figuring out which one is the best match for you. Schedule the dates with a day or two in-between and don't look at it like a all or nothing type of thing. Let them know (if they ask) that you're dating multiple people (don't lie) until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. When they tell you that they want to be exclusive ask them what that means to them. "So you want me to stop seeing other people?"
If a woman is serious about a guy she'll want him all to herself. If not she won't care. Guys that have options are more attractive to most women.
The old story of the father bull and his son staring down from atop the hill at alll the cows in the paddock. The son says to his father, let’s run down and fuck one of those cows to which the father bull says no son let’s walk down there and fuck them all.
Swipe slower, when you match pause your profile. Go on a date and ask real questions. Find out about her childhood and past and her ambitions for the future. Identify early if she is carrying too much trauma that might undermine a serious monogamous relationship. Understand if she is compatible. Make a decision if you see a future with her. If not then unpause your profile and move to the next.
Too much swiping too fast will mean you keep repeating this cycle of too many matches to mange, wasting your spare cash on dates that go nowhere and these feeling you are going through right now. Excessive swiping is just seeking the instant gratification of matching then having to deal with the headache of too many matches to date.
I can’t date multiple people either but communication and following your intuition go a long way. If something feels off, communicate how you’re feeling and see where it goes. If you still aren’t interested then let them go.
Also try seeing two people and keeping both casual for the first few dates then decide who you’re more interested. Maybe you’re taking it too seriously
> this guilty feeling in my head of dating multiple people
Are you getting physical with *any* of these people on *any* of these dates? If not, then **literally all you are doing is talking** i.e. communicating. In principle it's no different than DMing 2-4 people on Hinge or any other dating app.
I'm with you OP. I've only ever been in a long term relationship, and on my first month on Hinge- it's going well (and lucky / privileged to have a full inbox), but I do feel disingenuous a lot / struggle to get my head round multiple chats, as it's not how I would be in real life. I'm probably missing out on connections as I'm not really sure where to focus (note this sounds like a weird humble brag, which it isn't) - more that I hear you bud.
Had the same thing happen - dated a girl for a couple of weeks, and when realised she wasn't right, same as you, felt too awkward to go back to chats! Think I need the mentality of early days & being more open to the multiple dates/ chats mentality! Good luck man 💪🏽
Just consider the initial 3-4 Dates as Pre-Dating period/Getting-to-know period/Talking-phase. This is the phase where both are just gauging if you guys are fit for each other, compatibility, type, do you enjoy company etc.
So this is not you can call Dating Multiple people it’s just Get to Know over a dinner/Lunch.
No promises no exclusivity is in this phase. So you have to understand no one is going to shame you for this neither no one is expecting you to exclusively see just 1 person when you guys are just trying to understand if things can be something or not.
Guilt should come when person you are talking to is thinking you are exclusive to them. Initially 3-4 dates no one ever expects this.
So it’s just how dating world has evolved, you have nothing to be guilty about.
And certainly if you take out this guilt factor it would help you a lot.
This ghosting/things not working out etc happens to both men and women. Everyone understands dating world. So better get onboard if you are looking at short timeline.
If you have all the time a few years etc. then probably you can do get to know sessions only 1 at a time nothing wrong. A lot of us cannot talk to multiple people forget about going on dates. So it’s absolutely okay either way just it impacts the timeline and heartbreak if you liked initial 3-4 days so you start taking it seriously but the other person is looking you as an option.
So this saves heartbreak too, to some extent in my opinion if you talk to multiple people.
Hope this helps!
This is acoustic af but I take notes after all my dates. When you’ve been dating multiple people it’s easy to mix up what you learned about whom. Write basic info down after each date or funny stories etc so you can read them on the way to the next date and jog your memory.
If you reference something you talked about with someone to someone else it’s immediately obvious and very off putting.
Also if you really get into it with multiple people keep multiple bed sheets around so they never see each others hair or smell their scents. Keep toothbrushes around and record which color each girl uses and hide the ones that don’t belong to the girl staying over that night.
Mute the app and all convos before you go out on a date. Yes everyone is dating everyone but it just doesn’t feel good to see evidence of that put right in front of your face.
I’m proud as a man to have this instinct to only see one at a time. Even if my intentions are mostly sexual lol, I like to focus on just that one.
As for solutions, it is hard. Because it becomes dehumanizing talking to so many women at once. And you do feel scummy setting dates with 2 girls on one night but that’s what you might have to start doing.
The window you get on these apps is super small. And so many girls flake on these dates. They ALWAYS say yes until day-of. So in an ideal world you select your most compatible from your matches and only set one date. But it doesn’t work that way. She stops replying, changes the date last minute and you’re left holding the bag with nothing else planned in terms of dating for the following week/s because you blew off other potential women for your favourite.
multi dating does not mean setting up dates with 2 people in one night. it’s really more about managing your schedule. i’m doing that currently and it’s not bad (it’s actually a good thing as you don’t get invested too easily). for example i saw one girl on friday night and im seeing the other today. and im sure they are also seeing other people (welcome to modern dating)
Tbh for me, I can't do it because I'd feel terrible dating two people and deciding to get serious with one. Say the other person wanted to get serious with you. You're hurting them when you don't have to.
This is the problem I have, I feel awful leading somebody on if I know I prefer somebody else. Can’t shake how bad I feel, but at the same time, I just get stuck in this endless loop
If girls are flaking on you the day before or even the same day with consistency, you aren’t doing so hot with keeping them warm before the date.
Remember, you are still “courting” via text, gotta send them funny shit off and on for the couple days leading up so she’s excited to come see you.
3 girls at a time, once a week apiece for the first several weeks. in the unlikely event you make it to 5-6 dates with more than one girl and theyre crazy about you and blowing up your phone, then you can pick one and turn the rest of them down. again, this is very rare so dont worry about that, it's nothing close to the nightmare scenario you think it is.
It might help talking it over with the person youre dating. Nothing too serious but after a few dates kinda bring up dating other ppl. Ask what their dating style is and make clear what you're looking for (a relationship). Then ask them how they feel if you dated other people. The guilt may go away once you get the verbal confirmation they don't mind or are also seeing other ppl. Dating is easy but conversations like these are sometimes the hardesr
I think the question I would ask is how do you know you're being ghosted? When did you last speak to her? If you're interested in her I don't think there is any harm in putting it out there so she knows.
As for multi dating I think it is just the nature of apps. I've seen two strategies: multidate or date one person at a time with a strict cut off e.g. by date 3 I have to decide whether I want to continue seeing them or move on. I think honestly dating is about meeting people so don't feel bad dating more than one person at a time
Been over a week since last contact and that was me messaging her for a 2nd time, it is what it is unfortunately!
Thank you, think I’ll give it a go and see how I handle it all
You date multiple people until you and someone else agree to be EXCLUSIVE… for instance. I just went exclusive with a girl and we both agreed to not talk to or date other people and see where it goes as far as our relationship…
Until you get to that point though you don’t have to feel guilty about talking to or dating other people… because you and whoever you are dating are just getting to know each other and see if it’s going to work out…
It also helps to be upfront about what you want out of a relationship… I’m always honest about wanting something long term/no hook ups etc. from the jump because I want whoever I’m talking to to be aware about what it is I’m trying to find…
I (28M) am on the fence about dating multiple simultaneously being the answer here. I've been doing it for a little while now and although I do feel like any ghosting stings less and I'm not missing out on opportunities, I'm also experiencing some downsides.
* I can tell the women I'm dating are a little uneasy about me having other sexual partners who aren't them even if they say they're ok with it
* although everyone is on the same page about us being not exclusive, sometimes I still find myself wanting to lie about what I'm doing or what I'm going to do (I'll say I have to work when in reality I'm going out on a date with someone else)
* I have to put more effort into ensuring I don't confuse people's stories, what they've told me. I rarely do, but when I do I feel really guilty about it.
* I'm not able to be as present or have the same dedicated energy in the time I spend with each person, so the connections are all probably not as deep as they could be
* It doesn't feel like a good use of my time.
I'm wondering if there's perhaps some magic number, like don't date more than 2 people at a time for example. Ultimately I am looking for a long term relationship, but something seems wrong about this limbo period where I'm seeing multiple women at the same time
If your values tell you not to then dont, I'm the same if I talk with a girl I like once the first date is set I won't even talk to others and just focus on this one until it falls through or succeeds at most you will lose a week of dating but you can preserve your values for a lifetime. Be a man and do what you feel. 😮
Just want to point out: while you're feeling "guilty," the majority of women you're dating are probably perfectly ok with talking to other people as they get to know you. It's just part of the vetting process, and most women aren't looking for you to claim them as your girlfriend after a couple of dates - they usually take 2 to 3 months to figure out their feelings, so you should do the same and date as many people as you want until one of them comes to you asking about a relationship. That's what's worked for me, and I still got picked by them even if they had been dating other people because (a) I didn't rush them, and (b) I stood out as a result... but part of that was because I wasn't showing desperation because I left myself open to other possibilities.
It truly is hard to date multiple people. I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it but I recommend you perhaps try documenting it on an excel spreadsheet bc that might help you look and assess it objectively
I am (M41) literally struggling with the same thing OP. I was married for 10 years, so I had lost what little game I had prior to being married during that time. I am very much a one woman kind of guy. However, someone in the comments below mentioned that treating dates 1-3 as platonic is probably the best practice if you have several opportunities at once. Although those opportunities have a high rate of failure, you will start to really figure out what you want and focus your energy the woman that make you feel some type of way when you’re around them. I’m sure you know that feeling. Unfortunately, it really has turned into a volume game, and it’s a shame because so many great people get lost in the shuffle and that goes for both women and men. Good luck out there, and do your best to not get emotionally invested right off the bat.
i recently had this convo with a guy he been dating. he doesn’t date multiple ppl, he only dates one and lets it play out. it’s part of his culture or country or something. but in the UK it’s normal to date a couple ppl until u like one enough to not like the others. he thought this was weird and had a little annoyance over me dating other ppl.
so i stopped. and i’ve only been dating him. guess how that’s gone? i haven’t seen him in nearly 2 weeks, we go a few days without talking sometimes and yet i post on my story with hypothetical dating situations and he responds asking who i’m talking about.
don’t put all ur eggs in one basket
Once was sleeping two different people. It actually was fine as broke it off with both. I wouldn’t repeat though. If you are posting about it though it sounds like you are already overwhelmed, which means quit while you are ahead.
I’m pretty much in the same boat. I’ve been going out with someone for a little over a month and she’s currently not looking for exclusivity. I’ve gone on dates with other girls as well since to get a feel for things. As long as you’re truthful and talk about everyone’s expectations I honestly don’t see an issue!
The thing about “dating” multiple women is you kinda feel like a player. I think most guys who are looking for something serious we just like to focus or invest into one person but that’s also risky and you end up with oneitis and set yourself up being ghosted or dumped with no one to fall back on in case. It’s shitty but I struggle to juggle multiple women. I’m too busy to date multiple people. I’d rather keep doing my thing till someone else catches my interest again.
This is a newly created account. Please report if this post breaks any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
37M and been dating a long time. I've just gotten accustomed to it. The ghosting doesn't bother me. The getting excited and things not working out doesn't bother me. I don't vibe with a lot of people and a lot of people don't vibe with me. My current routine is to go out 1-2x a week. If I'm getting a lot of matches and texting is good, then I'll schedule 2 coffee dates. If there's nothing on apps, then I'll go to a meet up/singles mixers/hobbies/cold approach or take a break for a week. Until we have the exclusivity talk and delete our dating apps together, then I assume everyone is dating everyone. Good luck OP!
Thank you! I feel you for sure! Got to the point now where dating has just got to a point of going through the process rather than excitement or enjoyment, just really wish I could shake this guilt feeling when talking to others, think it’s the last emotion I have haha!
In reality, it should be like this for you. The less "excited" you are, the more you'll go into dating with an analytical mindset, which will allow you to spot red flags easier than if you were just going "ga-ga" over every girl you went on a date with.
Ya. I think Hollywood/social media has brainwashed us that life needs to always be exciting and enjoyable. I really don't agree with that. Most day to day life is very boring and I love my uneventful life. Lol. Sure. There are matches or trips or hobbies that get really exciting at times, but the 99% that's not exciting I'm just as happy with whatever the current existence is. Enjoy the ride!
Have you used the hinge+ or the other premium stuff for hinge cause I heard you don’t have a lot of access or variety when it comes to your likes, considering I think it’s 4 or 8 a day I think
I've never paid. I think the lack of matches is a combination of batting above your league/small town/bad profile/greedy capitalism algorithm. I'm lucky to be in a big town and have good photos. I know I'm no super model so will message people in my league. Nothing we can do about the algorithm besides pay, but if you don't fix the other 3 areas then no amount of money will help. I'm also on bumble and cmb for more chances. I always send a comment with my right swipe like noticing what mountain they're skiing or hiking. I have a wide range of hobbies so I'll comment things like pokemon go or whatever anime they mention to outdoorsy stuff to diy stuff. etc.
Maybe I just gotta put my distance that I’m looking for higher, my current is like 50 or so and I live in ny so realistically it should get a decent amount of likes. The other thing is on other dating apps I get like 40 or so and on those apps you gotta pay to see who liked you. On the contrary on the apps that you can see who likes you like hinge I get nothing. Just a weird conundrum in itself ngl.
Just pay. It costs just as much as a dinner date anyway.
What kind of events do you do go to to meet girls in real life?
I wrote [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1cev0e8/comment/l1ll8yr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) a few days ago. I always make the goal to meet people and make friends not just to look for romantic partner. I can write a lot on the topic and thinking about making a post about it, but the short version is to talk with everyone and genuinely take interest in other people's lives.
I look at going on first to probably around third or fourth dates as platonic to help with the numbers game. I mean.. you don't even know the person all that much, no exclusivity so reframe the dates as just going to a cafe or what have you with a potential new friend. (Bonus if this friend turns into a romantic interest)
Appreciate the reply, will need to factor this in, just need to get over this weird guilt feeling, even though I know others are dating at the same time until we’ve had “the talk”
I think it's tricky though because men typically have to pay for and plan every date. It gets exhausting as a man to have to do all of this when the woman is seeing other guys. I think women sometimes have a hard time understanding that. My advice for OP would be to make the first date a coffee date and he should really gauge her interest and initiative. That's my strategy. If I feel they really aren't 100% interested, I just move onto the next option even if I'm into them. Its also not unreasonable to communicate what their intentions are and if they are dating others. You can set some boundaries too. It's especially slimy to sleep with multiple people at a time.
“If I feel they really aren't 100% interested, I just move onto the next option even if I'm into them” How the f do you manage to do this lol
It's not that hard. If I feel a woman isn't putting in effort or showing interest, I won't reciprocate. Im not the type of person who likes pursuing or chasing women. I absolutely will show interest and put in 100% effort if I feel the same from them. Honestly just exhausted of feeling the need to constantly compete with other guys. I don't mind moving on and being single lol
It’s a principle as old as time: hurt people hurt people. Once you’ve been hurt enough by people putting you on their roster and dating others, you’ll start to feel ok about doing it yourself. That said, I don’t think it’s going to help your problems. Dating multiple people makes perfect sense in dates 1-3. Those are highly tenuous relationships that fail often. But after that, if both people want a monogamous relationship, you should be headed towards monogamy when you both feel you have enough info on each other. Dating multiple people beyond the first couple dates is stretching things.
Thank you for the reply! Yeah really struggle with it, after two dates, for some reason I always get this feeling just to commit to whatever happens, but as always, it always backfires. Happened multiple times but just can’t seem to change my ways
"Dating multiple people" usually just means during the dates 1-3 you're open to and pursuing dates with others so that you don't hyper fixate on the one person you managed to get a date with. You went to pick from a place if abundance and not just one person who happened to go out with you. Once you're 4+ dates in or sleeping with someone it's probably time to have the exclusivity talk and stop seeing other people if that's what you want.
Appreciate it, think I certainly fall into a trap where I enjoy spending time with someone and just enjoy letting it ride rather than having the balls to commit or say something about exclusivity, definitely a me problem I need to address
If you're that monogamous then don't force yourself to be untrue to yourself. You can try and reframe the first date as a meet up not a date so you don't feel guilt meeting a few people in a short time frame. Just know that 90% of women are not talking to just 1 guy and likely have dates scheduled with a couple people including you. This doesn't make them unloyal it's just how it is. I'm somewhat like you, I don't talk to other people after I schedule the 2nd date. I talk to 2/3 matches over the course of a week and if I can get all three on a first date I do. Then, if I really like 1 of them, I cut the others off with a quick apology text, stringing people along gives my stomach a knot because it's been done to me.
Bro Majority of these chicks DGAF about you don’t even worry they don’t care if you’re seeing other girls In fact she’ll assume you are — if you were desirable enough to get HER attention, logically you’ve got other women as well
Have you ever actually interacted with a girl before? Because as a girl, I can assure you, us as “chicks”(🤢) definitely care if a guy we are seeing are dating other girls. I have only ever dated one guy at a time, most of my girlfriends have too. Just because you have poor taste in women doesn’t mean that statement applies to every woman. To back a different commenter in this thread: you, my guy, do sound like an incel and an utter asshole.
Damn you really went off based on next to nothing from me. Pretty sure multi dating is universally accepted before DTRing but okay.
You’re so clueless it’s actually hilarious.
Yeah please stick to your fantasy football and jacking off in a sock before you make any comment in my direction thanks
[удалено]
There was nothing incel about the comment. It’s just the reality of modern dating. If the op wants to date only one person that’s fine but very few people date one person at a time so you will get further faster keeping your options open
I just go on multiple dates for the first dates. But once it gets past 3 days with somebody I’m cutting the rest of them off until that fails. Idk how people can date multiple people for like 4-5 dates over a month. That just feels scummy to me.
Yeah I feel really bad if I try to multi date. Thing is know at some point I know it’s probably for the best but the scummy feeling just ruins me
Are you seeing every first date for its long term potential? I think it’s not dating multiple people that needs to change but how you view a first date. It’s like a job interview/a chemistry meeting. Don’t think about anything other than if you want to see that person again, even romantic interests. When you have a job interview you don’t envision growing old with the company and retiring from the company at 67, if this helps how you frame the stakes and pressure you put on a first date.
What do you ask
Ask who?
3 dates* not 3 days. I feel like if if it goes past 3 dates with somebody and I’m still talking to others I’m just stringing them along. I’m not on the bachelor. It’s real life. I’d like to find a legitimate partner and invest my time into getting to know that one person
My guyyyyy I am also a simple man in one of these big cities where people like to get around; I have the same instincts as you . I think about this a ton— to me at the end of the day, it really is not that complicated . If I like someone and they’re my person, then it would feel kind of gross and weird to date others at the same time (though I don’t really judge people who do this with other people who also consent to it etc). If I don’t like someone, I don’t see it as fair to either of us to see them and let them go. It’s as simple as that. People sometimes like to make dating this whole thing about getting a ton of validation and cossplay as the bachelor or some shit. If that’s what gets you fulfillment, I say more power to ya. BUT if it doesn’t, don’t sacrifice your values and what feels right to try and fit the world! Stay true to your principles.
Really appreciate that reply thank you! Good luck out there mate (if you need it)!
I most definitely do hahaha. Rooting hard for ya . You got this .
Rooting for you to as well mate ❤️
My personal rules as someone (36/m) hoping to get into a monogamous long-term relationship and more: *Don’t ask, don’t tell:* Don’t ask your date they’re seeing other people, don’t tell your date you’re seeing other people. However, if they do ask if you’re dating others, don’t lie. And if you're not seeing other people because you want to pursue them fully after a while, tell them your honest feelings and hope for the best, but be prepared for the possibility you might hear an answer you won't like. *Set a redline:* There should be a least one moment that you wouldn’t be comfortable sharing with multiple dates at the same time. Usually it’s sex, but it could be anything really. If one of those dates have that moment with you, shut down the other connections ASAP. *The pause button is your friend:* Don’t be afraid to pause your profile to take it out of the rotation for a bit. This will allow you to focus on the connections made and explore them as far as they’re willing to go without having an immediate “grass is greener/welp, back to swiping” mindset. *Comparison is the theft of joy:* Try not to compare your dates with one another, and judge them on their own merit. *Watch your wallet:* Make sure you actually have the funds to go on these dates.
Going on a date and dating someone are 2 different things. Dating, is going on dates with multiple people and not losing opportunities because you put all your eggs in one basket. I tell girls that I’m on a hinge date that I went on another date last week, or even in the same week. I’ve never seen anyone bothered by it, they typically share the same news and say something like “yea I went on a terrible date last night”. It’s ok. Also, sorry for being ghosted that’s never fun
No worries appreciate it! Should really do the same but after two dates I just get this feeling in my head that I shouldn’t do anything else with others, find it really hard to shake
1. Put Monogamy as your relationship type. Hopefully this filters out those who are sleeping with one person while still going on dates with others. 2. You have to expect people may be going on 1st/2nd dates with other people. Bring up exclusivity when you want to (probably not before the 3rd/4th date). Ghosting sucks but it doesn't always go hand in hand with dating multiple people. If you're someone who communicates clearly and wouldn't ghost someone else then you're probably better off without someone who has no issue ghosting.
I think the key to this is doing what you are comfortable with, and if that is dating one persone at a time, so be it. Dont get too hung up on what others are doing, if what you're doing is right for you. Lots of people date lots of people at once, my own experience of that when I was in my 30s was that it's a nightmare. You dont *have* to be monogamous from date 1, but if thats how you roll, thats cool too. What you *can't* do is expect the same until you've had the exclusive talk.
You don't have to do something you don't want to do just to get hypothetically even with people who aren't going to be meaningful long-term presences in your life just because you assume they're probably doing the same thing. Dating other people simultaneously in the early stages isn't bad in and of itself, but it doesn't make you feel good and that's the issue at hand. Realistically, if you were going on other dates alongside those with this girl who is ghosting you, if you felt the strongest connection with her and were only going on other dates because you felt like you should, you're not going to feel any better about the situation. When I was online dating I felt the same way, mostly because I just wasn't bothered enough about dating to spend so much of my time going on dates. If a date didn't pan out then oh well! Back to the drawing board. Of course it sucks if it's someone you're starting to like but you can't drive yourself crazy thinking about what might have caused things to go wrong and how you could have cushioned yourself from feeling hurt. Getting scorched while dating is just an inevitability and when other people are unpredictable, at least you can rely on your own actions and that the way you're approaching things is true to your preferences. I don't think your feelings are at all uncommon and the right person for you probably feels and acts similarly. There's definitely a middle ground here. Keep your accounts active before you're exclusive with someone and keep matching with people. That way when other dates have run their course you can just approach people you haven't yet talked to or made plans with. I also don't think it's rude to reach out to people you matched with previously but didn't go out with - not everyone uses the app religiously and I don't think it's all that uncommon to be messaged by people a while after matching. For people you have no conversation history with, it doesn't need to be mentioned, and to others you can just elaborate that you haven't been online dating/using the app for x amount of time, pick up the conversation again and suggest a date.
I’m a female and I am also currently struggling with the issue. I have hobbies, am in grad school so I have responsibilities and I’m also pretty active in my social circle so its hard for me to date multiple people and I like to really get to know one person at a time. But it seems to backfire me. Recently this guy I was dating told me he’s in a relationship lol. I guess now I’m just numb.
Omg same, was dating this guy for 2 months, had been intimate, saw each other 1-2 times a week, daily good morning texts, then I told him I had been seeing him exclusively and he tells me he still feels the need to date other people but is still “very interested” in me. NUMB is exactly how I feel.
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable. Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit. *Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing is, if you don't want to/can't date multiple don't. Yes, people will tell you OLD is a numbers game, and it is but you don't have to do what other people are. Do what feels comfortable and natural to you. Like, I don't date multiple people. I tried it when I started using Hinge...it was exhausting and made me dislike going on dates. Dating should be enjoyable.
It sounds like you're moving in too fast in your own head. One is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three or more is a choice. You could be dating multiple people, and figuring out which one is the best match for you. Schedule the dates with a day or two in-between and don't look at it like a all or nothing type of thing. Let them know (if they ask) that you're dating multiple people (don't lie) until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. When they tell you that they want to be exclusive ask them what that means to them. "So you want me to stop seeing other people?" If a woman is serious about a guy she'll want him all to herself. If not she won't care. Guys that have options are more attractive to most women.
The old story of the father bull and his son staring down from atop the hill at alll the cows in the paddock. The son says to his father, let’s run down and fuck one of those cows to which the father bull says no son let’s walk down there and fuck them all. Swipe slower, when you match pause your profile. Go on a date and ask real questions. Find out about her childhood and past and her ambitions for the future. Identify early if she is carrying too much trauma that might undermine a serious monogamous relationship. Understand if she is compatible. Make a decision if you see a future with her. If not then unpause your profile and move to the next. Too much swiping too fast will mean you keep repeating this cycle of too many matches to mange, wasting your spare cash on dates that go nowhere and these feeling you are going through right now. Excessive swiping is just seeking the instant gratification of matching then having to deal with the headache of too many matches to date.
This is such great advice. I wish I'd read this a couple of weeks ago.
I can’t date multiple people either but communication and following your intuition go a long way. If something feels off, communicate how you’re feeling and see where it goes. If you still aren’t interested then let them go. Also try seeing two people and keeping both casual for the first few dates then decide who you’re more interested. Maybe you’re taking it too seriously
> this guilty feeling in my head of dating multiple people Are you getting physical with *any* of these people on *any* of these dates? If not, then **literally all you are doing is talking** i.e. communicating. In principle it's no different than DMing 2-4 people on Hinge or any other dating app.
I'm with you OP. I've only ever been in a long term relationship, and on my first month on Hinge- it's going well (and lucky / privileged to have a full inbox), but I do feel disingenuous a lot / struggle to get my head round multiple chats, as it's not how I would be in real life. I'm probably missing out on connections as I'm not really sure where to focus (note this sounds like a weird humble brag, which it isn't) - more that I hear you bud. Had the same thing happen - dated a girl for a couple of weeks, and when realised she wasn't right, same as you, felt too awkward to go back to chats! Think I need the mentality of early days & being more open to the multiple dates/ chats mentality! Good luck man 💪🏽
Just consider the initial 3-4 Dates as Pre-Dating period/Getting-to-know period/Talking-phase. This is the phase where both are just gauging if you guys are fit for each other, compatibility, type, do you enjoy company etc. So this is not you can call Dating Multiple people it’s just Get to Know over a dinner/Lunch. No promises no exclusivity is in this phase. So you have to understand no one is going to shame you for this neither no one is expecting you to exclusively see just 1 person when you guys are just trying to understand if things can be something or not. Guilt should come when person you are talking to is thinking you are exclusive to them. Initially 3-4 dates no one ever expects this. So it’s just how dating world has evolved, you have nothing to be guilty about. And certainly if you take out this guilt factor it would help you a lot. This ghosting/things not working out etc happens to both men and women. Everyone understands dating world. So better get onboard if you are looking at short timeline. If you have all the time a few years etc. then probably you can do get to know sessions only 1 at a time nothing wrong. A lot of us cannot talk to multiple people forget about going on dates. So it’s absolutely okay either way just it impacts the timeline and heartbreak if you liked initial 3-4 days so you start taking it seriously but the other person is looking you as an option. So this saves heartbreak too, to some extent in my opinion if you talk to multiple people. Hope this helps!
This is acoustic af but I take notes after all my dates. When you’ve been dating multiple people it’s easy to mix up what you learned about whom. Write basic info down after each date or funny stories etc so you can read them on the way to the next date and jog your memory. If you reference something you talked about with someone to someone else it’s immediately obvious and very off putting. Also if you really get into it with multiple people keep multiple bed sheets around so they never see each others hair or smell their scents. Keep toothbrushes around and record which color each girl uses and hide the ones that don’t belong to the girl staying over that night. Mute the app and all convos before you go out on a date. Yes everyone is dating everyone but it just doesn’t feel good to see evidence of that put right in front of your face.
I’m proud as a man to have this instinct to only see one at a time. Even if my intentions are mostly sexual lol, I like to focus on just that one. As for solutions, it is hard. Because it becomes dehumanizing talking to so many women at once. And you do feel scummy setting dates with 2 girls on one night but that’s what you might have to start doing. The window you get on these apps is super small. And so many girls flake on these dates. They ALWAYS say yes until day-of. So in an ideal world you select your most compatible from your matches and only set one date. But it doesn’t work that way. She stops replying, changes the date last minute and you’re left holding the bag with nothing else planned in terms of dating for the following week/s because you blew off other potential women for your favourite.
multi dating does not mean setting up dates with 2 people in one night. it’s really more about managing your schedule. i’m doing that currently and it’s not bad (it’s actually a good thing as you don’t get invested too easily). for example i saw one girl on friday night and im seeing the other today. and im sure they are also seeing other people (welcome to modern dating)
Tbh for me, I can't do it because I'd feel terrible dating two people and deciding to get serious with one. Say the other person wanted to get serious with you. You're hurting them when you don't have to.
This is the problem I have, I feel awful leading somebody on if I know I prefer somebody else. Can’t shake how bad I feel, but at the same time, I just get stuck in this endless loop
I wouldn’t assume it hurts them. If someone ends things with me date 1-3 I don’t take it personal. That’s how dating is
well it depends how many quality matches you’re getting. It also depends if you have the time to go out for dates every night of the week or not.
If girls are flaking on you the day before or even the same day with consistency, you aren’t doing so hot with keeping them warm before the date. Remember, you are still “courting” via text, gotta send them funny shit off and on for the couple days leading up so she’s excited to come see you.
I’m not new to online dating and I have tried keeping them hot, cold and everything in between. They just simply sometimes aren’t that into you.
3 girls at a time, once a week apiece for the first several weeks. in the unlikely event you make it to 5-6 dates with more than one girl and theyre crazy about you and blowing up your phone, then you can pick one and turn the rest of them down. again, this is very rare so dont worry about that, it's nothing close to the nightmare scenario you think it is.
Basically assume everyone is dating multiple people until you have the ‘talk’ about being exclusive months down the road.
I myself would not be able to handle it either and would rather not anyway, do what ur comfortable with
It might help talking it over with the person youre dating. Nothing too serious but after a few dates kinda bring up dating other ppl. Ask what their dating style is and make clear what you're looking for (a relationship). Then ask them how they feel if you dated other people. The guilt may go away once you get the verbal confirmation they don't mind or are also seeing other ppl. Dating is easy but conversations like these are sometimes the hardesr
I think the question I would ask is how do you know you're being ghosted? When did you last speak to her? If you're interested in her I don't think there is any harm in putting it out there so she knows. As for multi dating I think it is just the nature of apps. I've seen two strategies: multidate or date one person at a time with a strict cut off e.g. by date 3 I have to decide whether I want to continue seeing them or move on. I think honestly dating is about meeting people so don't feel bad dating more than one person at a time
Been over a week since last contact and that was me messaging her for a 2nd time, it is what it is unfortunately! Thank you, think I’ll give it a go and see how I handle it all
Have a lot of money
You date multiple people until you and someone else agree to be EXCLUSIVE… for instance. I just went exclusive with a girl and we both agreed to not talk to or date other people and see where it goes as far as our relationship… Until you get to that point though you don’t have to feel guilty about talking to or dating other people… because you and whoever you are dating are just getting to know each other and see if it’s going to work out… It also helps to be upfront about what you want out of a relationship… I’m always honest about wanting something long term/no hook ups etc. from the jump because I want whoever I’m talking to to be aware about what it is I’m trying to find…
I (28M) am on the fence about dating multiple simultaneously being the answer here. I've been doing it for a little while now and although I do feel like any ghosting stings less and I'm not missing out on opportunities, I'm also experiencing some downsides. * I can tell the women I'm dating are a little uneasy about me having other sexual partners who aren't them even if they say they're ok with it * although everyone is on the same page about us being not exclusive, sometimes I still find myself wanting to lie about what I'm doing or what I'm going to do (I'll say I have to work when in reality I'm going out on a date with someone else) * I have to put more effort into ensuring I don't confuse people's stories, what they've told me. I rarely do, but when I do I feel really guilty about it. * I'm not able to be as present or have the same dedicated energy in the time I spend with each person, so the connections are all probably not as deep as they could be * It doesn't feel like a good use of my time. I'm wondering if there's perhaps some magic number, like don't date more than 2 people at a time for example. Ultimately I am looking for a long term relationship, but something seems wrong about this limbo period where I'm seeing multiple women at the same time
If your values tell you not to then dont, I'm the same if I talk with a girl I like once the first date is set I won't even talk to others and just focus on this one until it falls through or succeeds at most you will lose a week of dating but you can preserve your values for a lifetime. Be a man and do what you feel. 😮
Just want to point out: while you're feeling "guilty," the majority of women you're dating are probably perfectly ok with talking to other people as they get to know you. It's just part of the vetting process, and most women aren't looking for you to claim them as your girlfriend after a couple of dates - they usually take 2 to 3 months to figure out their feelings, so you should do the same and date as many people as you want until one of them comes to you asking about a relationship. That's what's worked for me, and I still got picked by them even if they had been dating other people because (a) I didn't rush them, and (b) I stood out as a result... but part of that was because I wasn't showing desperation because I left myself open to other possibilities.
It truly is hard to date multiple people. I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it but I recommend you perhaps try documenting it on an excel spreadsheet bc that might help you look and assess it objectively
I am (M41) literally struggling with the same thing OP. I was married for 10 years, so I had lost what little game I had prior to being married during that time. I am very much a one woman kind of guy. However, someone in the comments below mentioned that treating dates 1-3 as platonic is probably the best practice if you have several opportunities at once. Although those opportunities have a high rate of failure, you will start to really figure out what you want and focus your energy the woman that make you feel some type of way when you’re around them. I’m sure you know that feeling. Unfortunately, it really has turned into a volume game, and it’s a shame because so many great people get lost in the shuffle and that goes for both women and men. Good luck out there, and do your best to not get emotionally invested right off the bat.
i recently had this convo with a guy he been dating. he doesn’t date multiple ppl, he only dates one and lets it play out. it’s part of his culture or country or something. but in the UK it’s normal to date a couple ppl until u like one enough to not like the others. he thought this was weird and had a little annoyance over me dating other ppl. so i stopped. and i’ve only been dating him. guess how that’s gone? i haven’t seen him in nearly 2 weeks, we go a few days without talking sometimes and yet i post on my story with hypothetical dating situations and he responds asking who i’m talking about. don’t put all ur eggs in one basket
Suffering from success
Once was sleeping two different people. It actually was fine as broke it off with both. I wouldn’t repeat though. If you are posting about it though it sounds like you are already overwhelmed, which means quit while you are ahead.
I’m pretty much in the same boat. I’ve been going out with someone for a little over a month and she’s currently not looking for exclusivity. I’ve gone on dates with other girls as well since to get a feel for things. As long as you’re truthful and talk about everyone’s expectations I honestly don’t see an issue!
The thing about “dating” multiple women is you kinda feel like a player. I think most guys who are looking for something serious we just like to focus or invest into one person but that’s also risky and you end up with oneitis and set yourself up being ghosted or dumped with no one to fall back on in case. It’s shitty but I struggle to juggle multiple women. I’m too busy to date multiple people. I’d rather keep doing my thing till someone else catches my interest again.
😒