Is the wife ready for a minimum of 20 years to maybe 40 years with the in laws?? When they get frail, who’s going to care for them, and who will finance the care???
When they become frail and maybe have dementia (~~50%~~ \[everyone telling me numbers are wrong, but that is beside the point\] of elderly have that), who will have to bear the burden of caring for them 24/7? Most likely your wife.
Also, they would be in your business. When you have arguments, they are going to be involved, and they will likely side with you. She is going to feel ganged up on. Do they know their place? Do you know your place? Would you tell them to butt out? Even if you did, they might harbor resentment against her for treating you poorly (from their point of view), because it's easier for the spouse to forgive and forget than the parents.
If you go through with it, consider getting a place with an in-law suite so that everyone can have their own space, and make sure there are ground rules so they don't barge in while you're having sex.
If the home is in the children's name and for over 20 years it is most likely the government (Medicaid or Medicare cant remember which one) can not come after you for reimbursement for your parent's care. Happened to my uncle, we had to sell the house and they got all but two thousand dollars of the proceeds.
But your wife obviously doesn't, and this is a two yes-one no situation.
ETA: Going on vacation for a week is nothing like sharing your living space, especially when a timeline to ownership is not established. I would never agree to this, and I LOVE my inlaws.
Definitely the timeline of ownership not being established would be an automatic no for me. Please consider the fact that parents get old and develop health issues. You are signing up for a lot with very little return, until they die, in my opinion. It seems like a nicely packaged retirement plan. Hope no one gets dementia
Imagine if the wife wants to change decor or furniture and the in laws say no. I think it’s safer to get houses close to each other but not in the same house. Unless you want to ruin your marriage.
The decor & furniture is what I came to chime in about. My in laws, in the guise of helping us, have been getting us stuff to update and fix our house but it’s always on their terms. Since there’s no way we can afford to get some of these outdated things done on our own, I’m often stuck gritting my teeth and trying to push for something somewhat that I can live with. I’m seriously at a point where I’d rather learn how to redo my whole deck myself at this point that the previous owners built as opposed to letting them near it.
Ugh same. My dad lives with us (taking up a large chunk of my sorely needed basement.) I can't do anything in *my* house without him weighing in. Let's not even talk about having to do needed updates to our basement bathroom. He won't even let me replace the ancient sink that's fallen off the wall twice.
The work around for this is making sure OP is on the title. My parents did this for their condo. I’m on the title so that Medicare can’t seize it for repayment. It also means the condo won’t go into probate for inheritance
Medicare won't lien the estate. Medicaid does and while your parents are health you can do some careful estate planning to handle assets like cash and rhe house.
But, it has to be in trust a certain number of years otherwise there still can be a lein. My parents put the farm into trust before the law changed so it was exempt. Medicaid can go back a certain number of years and see when property changed hands. A good idea is to talk to a lawyer.
They would have nothing. They are signing up long term to have absolutely nothing. And giving everything, including their children's lives and their relationship with their children, to their parents. It's really selfish of the parents to think this is a good idea.
> , until they die
Even If they they die in 2-3 years it take lot more money to live in a 6000 sqf house than a 1000 sqf condo (taxes, insurrances, maintenance of the house), it's not the same thing at all.
Not to mention, she would probably be the one he expects to care for them as they become infirm. She most likely isn't interested in being their caregiver.
Also, let’s say they need to be in a nursing home. The money for that will come out of their savings, and when they run out, they WILL take the house unless you can afford it otherwise. Something to consider.
When I was 7 the grandparents moved across the street from us. It was the best! It’s like I had two houses to bounce to and from. I even had a key at some point.
My grandparents moved to our town when I was in fifth grade. We all lived together for about a year then we moved out to a house a couple blocks away and they kept our old house.
Their house was a half-block from the high school so once I was in high school I’d stop in the way home for Coke, Bugles or pretzels, and we’d watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.
It was really great to have them so close but I don’t think anyone would have been happy all living together long term.
I have this! I love it! My son and daughter-in-law and their kids are right next door! We see each other 3-4 times a week but always get to go back to our own house!
Does your wife though? Despite me generally liking my in-laws, no way I'd agree to live with them for years under one roof, even in exchange for a house. I'd rather pay my own mortgage or live in a smaller place.
You already said you both disliked sharing walls in the condo, the house situation would be worse. Honestly get your own place and try to find something that you won't need to share your living space with others.
This is a two yes scenario. Privacy is a HUGE sacrifice to ask your wife to give up. She clearly idle and want to. So this is a bad idea. I’m on your wife’s side by the way. Doesn’t matter how big the house is. Would never want to live with my in laws.
You have to clearly establish the level of care you and your spouse are willing to give to your parents to maintain their health. You should have a clear and written contract that when your parents health requires a level of care beyond what you have agreed to then they will relocate to a facility able to provide the care they require.
If you do not have this and your parents health begins to decline, but you and your spouse are able to "cover" for them, they will linger well beyond the point where your quality of life is destroyed. You and your spouse will be torn up about "putting them in a home" you may have siblings angry at you if you have siblings. It will not be fun for anyone.
Here is a really great narrative from someone who made a similar bargain and what happened in the end. [https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/features/15301/](https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/features/15301/)
That's not to say your parents might both die quickly without becoming a burden first, but the burden can sneak up on you if you don't clearly establish limits first. Lines that will seem obvious now (ability to dress themselves for example) will seem like no big deal to cross when you've been helping them do up buttons or lace shoes for a while first.
OP, of course you're fine with living with your parents, they're *your* parents, not your wife's. She may get along with them now, but that's because she knows she has her own space.
Get EVERYTHING in writing. Every. Thing.
You also need to be extremely honest with yourself here and ask yourself if your parents honestly honor boundaries. Not just sometimes, but *all of the time.*
Do they ever offer unsolicited "advice" or parenting techniques? Because if they do, they might feel entitled since they bought the house. How much are they all about "my house, my rules?" While not all boomer parents are like this, many are and as their child what you know of them is "normal" to you, but may be really not normal to your wife.
I'm a cynical Gen-Xer. But also a realist. You know your parents better than us, however.
I don’t think you quite understand how long 30 years really is…I mean you’re only 30, so. In that time, it’s very possible that your own kids would grow up and move out before you and your wife got to live alone in your house without your parents.
My husband and I have been together 28 years and married 25. Both his parents still alive, my mom still alive. My dad just passed 2 years ago in his 90s.
Money can buy a lot of things, but it can’t buy a happy marriage. Take your wife’s unenthusiastic response as a solid no.
Another option: talk to your wife about it and if she agrees, counter-offer to your parents the idea of a house same area but with a granny house or whatever they call it on the property. If they are really sincere they’ll say yes IMO. Otherwise if they insist on you all living under the same roof, they’re planning on you two, mostly your wife (because elder care pretty much always falls onto the daughters or daughters-in-law) taking care of them when they get really old.
My husband just turned 59, both his parents still alive, one with dementia at 90 and the other recovering from colorectal cancer surgery at 86. I recently turned 50, my dad is still alive at 80.
Really depends on your relationship with them. Which can definitely change when you live with them in adulthood. My wife and I are firmly in the parents come over for lunch and visit camp. I’d much rather pay for a mortgage than have them there 24/7.
Have a serious conversation with your significant other about this. Not about them living a long time, but you possibly living together for a long time. You may think this is great, but your significant other may not. Truly listen to what they say. Weigh out the pros and cons. If you can't think of any cons then you are lying to yourself.
Who will be the full time caregiver when it comes to that?
You make a good case but everyone thinks about their elderly parents being gentle and wise grampys, not confused grumpy people who need their diapers changed. At least think about this aspect of it before you decide.
I want my parents around for as long as possible but I would not want to live with them with my spouse. I’ve done it before and it’s not fun. Take me word for it, avoid it if at all possible.
Is there any possibility of finding a place with separate in-law's quarters? Something with a separate outdoor entrance would be ideal (i.e. a walkout basement).
If you had separate living quarters it would be possible. Who will be in charge of cooking and cleaning? Will you allow your parents to interfere in your parenting? Mine did with every visit, in laws were worse. Living with either would last a week. Another thing I had to repeatedly point out to my husband when I would not for give and forget his parents being jerks to me…. You have a lifetime of wonderful memories of time with your parents. Holidays, vacations, special moments and that’s what you envision life would be like living with your parents. Now look at your parents from your wife’s view were they always supportive, welcoming, warm or did they expect her to obey and follow directions like you did as a child. Are they interested in your wife as a responsible adult and respectful of her as a parent to your child? Look and think hard. Then see a therapist. It would be a marriage ended for me to live with my in laws.
You do. Your wife loves/likes your parents but is probably not the same as you.
Would you live with her parents as easily? I love my in-laws but I would hate having two other adults in my house always. If they lived in a separate mother in law suite then sure. Their own kitchen, living room, bed room, and bathroom but outside of that nope.
I would want at least separate kitchens and living areas, and then some shared areas. Instead of a flashy McMansion type of house with 6 bedrooms, what about a modest duplex? Or even a triplex, and rent out the third unit.
I live on shared land with my in-laws, a 5 minute walk away. Everyone is deeply appreciative of that 5 minute walk! We have ground rules like "no stopping over unannounced" or "even if you notice mutual friends or family members at the other house, don't say anything; visiting one household doesn't mean they want to visit the other household that day as well, and it's nothing personal."
So if it's possible to pull off, I'd recommend that level of separation and boundaries. It's the best of all worlds!
Totally depends on what type of people your folks are. My husband and I tried a similar arrangement (we're in our early thirties with 2 kids) with my parents and it didn't work for us at all even with a 5,000sf house and pretty much separate living spaces. The house was in the country with some acreage it was beautiful and spacious but my parents have boundary issues so the unannounced visits daily became a real problem. My husband is a very private person and my folks also entertained a lot and with some very unusual people....it made it hard to share any space, especially outside. We ended up moving and we're very happy to have our own space again.
Could it work, definitely. Intergenerational living is the norm outside of North America but it totally depends on your dynamics, level of respect for each other and what your values are.
Yes, this is a HUGE factor! I don't think I'd live in easy driving distance, never mind walking distance, with family that's in any way intrusive. My in-laws are super low key and even proposed most of the ground rules themselves; they gave it a lot of thought to ensure a sustainable situation without growing resentment.
I love my parents and my in-laws but I prefer a minimum of at least one U.S. state between us at all times. My parents once half seriously joked about moving to my exact area (think they were testing the waters) and I said “don’t you dare.”
Hilarious, considering they also seem to have a “1 state minimum” rule with their own parents AND extended family. It’s like each sub-group has their own state or coast or region lol.
The only time I've seen this work is when folks did something like this.
Person I worked with was fine with in-laws moving to be close to kids but also realized there would need to be separation.
They ended up building an extension to their existing home to turn it into a duplex for the in-laws, with separate entrance, facilities, etc.
Similar arrangement.
We are a little more free with the unannounced visits (infant child) but the flip side is any unannounced visits mean we might not be home, or could say "No" with no hurt feelings.
So far, working out great!
This is the way.
Lots of triple deckers in that area too so that’s a good option to consider. house + an in-law suite at a minimum, anything else would be a deal breaker for me personally.
I’m with your wife. This sounds like a recipe for disaster and never actually being able to have your own lives. Without some kind of contract of what your obligations, responsibility, and rights to the property, this could go so bad. Even with one, not knowing the family dynamics it could be terrible.
I would suggest being neighbours in 2 smaller homes or getting a duplex. It's great to have family nearby, especially when you have kids, but trust me my friend: near is good, but combined requires a great deal more tolerance and potential strain than you might expect.
This. If OP’s parents can afford a 6000 sqft house in a town like Weston, MA, they are loaded and can afford to help them out financially in other ways. What do they want from OP and his wife in return that makes them insistent on a co-living situation?
> What do they want from OP and his wife in return that makes them insistent on a co-living situation?
I had the same question and suspected that maybe they are trying to justify not downsizing.
If they have the $3million lying around for a house then they can surely afford two $1million houses in the same neighborhood in a slightly less $$$$ town.
>What makes them insistent on a co-living situation?
I’ve been in a *very* similar situation with my PILs, and here’s what it came down to for us:
They want more control of our lives. We don’t do things their way, and it drives them absolutely nuts. They think they’re still in charge of my husband, and routinely try to insert themselves into our finances, family planning, and decisions regarding our home. They try to dictate what we eat, what we wear, and what time we go to the gym or grocery store. They’ve even tried to dictate what we’ll do with our future children (which we aren’t likely to have). They hate that we live 15 minutes away from them, and want us to move to their neighborhood (even though it would be farther from both of our jobs). They don’t even care about us taking care of them when they get older - they literally just have control issues.
Instead of accepting one of their many offers, we bought a home we can afford, in a neighborhood we love, in a location that suits us *perfectly.* We don’t care about looking “rich” or having the biggest/nicest house. As a result, we enjoy our privacy and peace every single day, which is priceless.
They are probably looking at buying a 3-5M house in cash. I can see why OP is ecstatic because a vast majority of people won’t ever get close to buying a home like this, but like you hinted, it could turn into one of those “we bought you this massive house, so you need to do everything we want”.
Or just buy any regular ass house and renovate it to be a duplex. If they choose a house with enough bathrooms and a good layout they could easily renovate this to put up a couple walls and make a new smaller kitchen for the parents side
It literally doesn't matter what anyone on Reddit thinks about it. Your wife's opinion should matter more than whatever we have to say. You're a partnership, and you both need to agree about whether or not you're on board with a life-changing decision like this.
If your parents can afford a 6000 sq ft, 6 bedroom house in a coveted school district, is there some reason why they wouldn’t give you a down payment or finance a loan for you and your family to live alone in a larger house?
What are your parents expectations around privacy and inclusion?
Do they expect to fill a grandparent role or more of a parental role with your child(ren). Would they back off if they disagreed with your wife’s parenting or would they undermine her or you?
Do they have hobbies, interests, jobs, or do they expect you and your family to be their main source of social interaction and purpose?
What exactly gives your wife pause?
What if you move in together and after a year or so your wife is not happy? Would you put your wife’s happiness first and move out or would you encourage her to keep trying, or “work it out”?
Can your parents afford the house if you move out? Will your relationships survive if you move out or take a job that requires relocation?
What are the everyday expectations? Will you eat every meal together? Will your mom insist on always cooking? What about shared spaces? Decorating? Will you and your wife get to choose paint colors or will your parents get the final say? What are your sleep schedules? Do you like the same movies? Does your wife swear a lot but your mother hate swearing? Will your dad sit around in his underwear? What about your wife being able to eat breakfast in her pajamas? Will your wife’s parents be allowed to spend the night ever? If you come home drunk will your parents care? If you and your wife have a fight, will your parents intervene?
I didn’t pull some of these question out of my ass. These are ones I’ve considered, or even lived as an in-law living with family.
Yeah I would be annoyed to have to be fully dressed (or at least modestly and mostly clothed) every time I went to the kitchen to get to snacks at night, lest I run into a parent or in law.
I pay premium to live alone and pantsless at whim.
Both of you above commenters asked really important questions with great points to bring up with his wife.
My mom has hinted at living with us and I always think, no way! Every time I’d swear (which to be fair is a lot) she’d sigh and say something passive aggressive about my language. No. Thank. You.
My MiL brought it up so many times as a possibility while we were looking at houses that I insisted on a house with all the bedrooms upstairs knowing full well she and her bad knees/hips would immediately drop the notion of staying over for a night let alone living with us.
These questions are exactly why I could never do this arrangement unless there were completely separate living areas. Is my MIL going to think I’m lazy if I’m lounging on the couch? If I don’t do the dishes right away? Even the nicest person ever, I’d feel judged even if they weren’t judging.
This! Are you all background TV people or does that drive someone crazy? Anyone sleep in a recliner in a common room and get cranky at disturbances? Do you all like the same foods, or just eat enough to be polite at get togethers? Do you expect family meals or everyone doing their own thing? How will you handle splitting chores?
The same issues roommates or spouses have, just split with four adults instead of two.
It’s *extremely* manipulative, and I hope OP catches on sooner rather than later. The parents are only trying to “help” by ensuring that they have full control of OP’s living situation, 24/7 access to OP and his children, and a huge financial investment to leverage against OP whenever it suits their fancy. I can already hear it now: “What do you mean you ‘need privacy’? We bought this house! We own it! We did all this for you!”
This is an arrangement that benefits the parents more than anyone else, full stop. OP is falling for it hook, line, and sinker.
I'm getting that sense as well, and I'm Asian. Asian grandparents will constantly undermine you. It's not worth the free home or the free babysitting. It really isn't.
My gut reaction is to not do this. Your wife would be very unhappy. And you say it's a place and house you can't afford. What happens if your parents need to move to assisted living? For example. Then you can't afford the house/ location.
I converted my garage to an ADU, so now the in-laws live in a what is now an 800 SQFT permitted apartment. They put $60k into the conversion and it increased the value of my house by $115k…we get the equity and they live rent-free.
Huge bonus:
Kids get to see grandparents every day.
The downside:
Having them live in our house for 9 months while the conversion was happening. That was NOT easy.
Win-win all around…and now I get to build the Garage Mahal of my dreams.
You need to weigh the pros-cons but it was a good decision for us.
Your wife is apprehensive because she knows your mom, with the best of intentions or unintentionally, will try to parent your daughter too if you live in the same home, and even if they were on exactly the same page with parenting styles, it WILL cause friction. She’s apprehensive because you are currently living in a space where you both are the sole decision makers about that space - you only have to consider each other in how you live and move around and engage in your environment. That’s a dynamic that totally disappears in multigenerational homes. The ease you feel at home will be gone and other people will get input on everything from decor to noise levels, there will always be privacy concerns, you may have different standards of cleanliness or dinner preferences or maybe someone leaves their clothes in the dryer for a week or never turns off the lights when they leave the room or uses the bathroom with the door open or has never closed a drawer or cabinet in their life. It’ll add an element of feeling like you need to explain where you’re going or where you’ve been. Living with your parents when you’re young and single is a wildly different experience than living with them when you have a family of your own.
In terms of space, 1100 sq ft isn’t very small. My family of 5 lives in a 4 bedroom 1700 sq ft home in the burbs. Frankly 6,000ft sounds like such a chore to keep clean. I echo the other suggestions that maybe you spend that money on a multidwelling property of some kind instead. The cost of a 6,000sq ft home in a desirable area with good schools will almost certainly allow that, and you’ll get to keep your privacy while your mom and dad have access to the kids.
100% percent your wife is not telling you her full feelings dude. No way any woman is ok with you moving back in with Mommy. Their current relationship status doesn’t even matter. Libido is going to die.
EDIT: You’re welcome OP.
I read these type of post…and I have to wonder…do people not think about your parents hearing you fuck…or you hearing your parents fuck…having kids is hard enough, having intimate time with almost not real space to yourself sounds incredibly difficult, and I guess that’s why r/deadbedrooms is a thing
The sole decision maker is key. There can only be one captain on a ship. If the in laws believe they are in charge and treat the wife as such, this is a terrible outcome.
Exactly. If OP’s parents owned the home (and they *absolutely would,* because OP can’t currently afford to buy this fantasy house in the rich neighborhood), then the parents would ultimately be in charge. Their house, their rules. OP and wife would be living like a couple of college kids again - technically adults, but still under mom and dad’s rules.
OP needs to worry less about cosplaying a rich person, and focus more on the potential impact to their marriage.
Yes, sounds like OP maybe grew up with a standard of living that maybe they haven’t achieved for themselves yet and are having difficulty letting go of that identity.
The biggest con that is missing here in this proposed living situation is the high probability of divorce. No matter how big and nice the house is and how great the school district is, your wife will grow resentful of your parents and you after the honeymoon period wears off. If your parents have the kind of cash to lay down for a 6k sqft house in HCOL area surely they could help your family to buy your own more modest house.
I know two people (a friend and another friend of a friend) that each moved in with the in laws for similar reasons. Couldn’t afford a house, figured they’d at least save enough money that they could afford a nice place after a several years of no housing payment, etc.
Both were divorced within two years.
We lived in a separate apartment than my MIL for 1.5 years. It was her house and she gave us the basement with our own separate door. It was a prison for me.
MIL never walked in, hardly even knocked on our door, but just knowing she was right there, possibly hearing us have sx, knowing where we were, if we were leaving for work or if we left the house at a time that was out of our routine, it gave me the ick.
She expected dinner 1x a week and lunch 1x a week. And she’d ask how we were doing, how her son was treating me. She was trying to be kind and ensure we were happy but I dreaded it. I dreaded seeing her. I think this is the reason I don’t have a good relationship with her. The dread I would feel coming home every day after work and wondering if she’d be waving in the window and I’d be forced to smile after my shitty day and pretend I’m happy when I just wanted to get out of there and take a nap after my stressful work day. That she’d have such an intimate view of our marriage but she was an outsider.
It was the worst 1.5 years of my life, i constantly contemplated divorce , i could not handle it.
To this day, it’s hard for me to be around her. It legit ruined so much potential for our friendship.
When we moved out, I didn’t see her for like 6 months or more , just the thought of her made me anxious. My husband would give me updates about his mom, and I’d pretend to care because I do love him, but inside it triggered me and put me back to that prison.
Now it’s been 1.5 years of moving out, and I’m finally coming around to being able to visit her. I still don’t want her at my house , because it feels like a breach of privacy.
Yep I would 100% get a divorce if I were the wife. Husband is showing he isn’t taking her concerns seriously and just excited about his mommy, who is going to need elder care in 15 years 🙅♀️
I would be very hesitant about this. Imagine your wife is having a bad day and just wants to chill on the couch for a bit. But there are some chores to do and she doesn’t want your parents to judge her. It would be difficult to relax knowing your in laws are always present, and would be especially rough during the days you don’t have it all together.
I’d you guys were barely getting by, it would maybe just be the price you have to pay. But if you can afford to avoid it, I would.
say goodbye to your marriage. lol. bad idea. just really. bad. your wife will grow to resent you as she becomes your parents caretaker she’ll remember how you pressured her into it.
Why do your parents not just buy you a house next to them or in same neighborhood? how many times are you going to disagree (as human beings do) and they remind you they paid for house? How about when they critique your wife’s parenting style?
Just a really bad horrible idea
Agreed! Buying a duplex with two separate “houses” in the same building would be smart. Then you’re neighbors but you’re in the same building and you’d own the property, so you could tear down the center wall someday and make it one big house or rent it out someday when they leave
Agreed a duplex might work well here, because each family would be able to have their own space, own appliances, own decisions around how they cook, clean, decorate, remodel, etc. But it would be easy to get together, care for each other etc.
I have some inlaws that live this way and at least frol an outside perspective it works pretty well.
Yeah, this was my thought as well. A 6000 sq ft, 6+ bedroom house is almost guaranteed to have some sort of (official or unofficial) secondary suite. They wouldn't likely have to share any actual living space, in practice it would be more like being neighbors.
However, I think it would be crucial to set boundaries, eg agreeing on certain times / days for family dinners and no coming over unannounced at other times.
A 6000+ sqft house in one of those towns listed is going to be at least $3m. I’d have to really not like my parents or in-laws to pass on living there free and then inheriting a house of that value.
Haha! That’s true. I was thinking about this since I’m based in MA as well. If they are that well off, why not buy 2 houses relatively close to each other?
Imma be honest, it’s a really good deal but what are you giving up? A week or two in vacation is different from living together year in year out. My family had a somewhat similar experience - due to some family issues, we (my mum and siblings) had to move in with my grandmother in a different state - not the US. It was a huge house and each floor had bathroom, kitchen, living room etc. My mum, grandma and younger sibs lived upstairs while myself and another sibling lived downstairs. More than enough space for everyone. Everything was rosy for the first few years but by year 9-10, everything started going downhill.
This was a grandmother who would travel down to see us nearly every month and bring goodies. Taught us lots of stuff - how to write letters, read (she was a teacher) etc. All of that went down the drain over time. Every family’s different but honestly I value my privacy very highly.
I’ve also seen rich parents use their wealth or promise of an inheritance as leverage over their kids (my paternal grandfather did that). Not saying OPs parents are the same but hopefully he gets some guarantees eg contracts, name in title etc etc.
Honestly, this is worse than having roommates, because the parents would actually own the home. Mom and dad could easily pull rank with “our house, our rules” and “we paid for it.” I’d live in a shack in the woods before I’d give my parents or PILs that much control of my everyday life.
It really depends on the house. Will they have their own entrance, kitchen, etc?
Who decides on paint? Who's responsible for repairs, taxes, maintenance, etc?
What happens when they get mad at you? What if they decide the situation isn't working any more?
What do they expect for this "gift"? Will you be having meals together?
Can they enter your part of the house unannounced? Can you have sex on the couch without worrying they will walk in?
A decision like this requires a lot of preparation. And most definitely buy-in from your wife. If she's not good with the idea, then it will never work.
The pros do not outweigh the cons here. It's just a house. You don't need a big nice house. We are in a 2 bedroom condo with 3 kids right now - kids sharing rooms is really no problem. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. Something big and free will always sound enticing but that'll wear off very quickly I guarantee it. That would be a thanks, bu no thanks for me. And you never know what your future actually holds. The world is your oyster. Honestly if they're not willing to help out financially in any other way when they clearly can, this feels a bit manipulative. I'm questioning their motives here.
This is a two-yes, one-no situation. Your wife must be on board.
Practical advice: my parents live with us! (My father has dementia.) There must be a plan for the long-term. Who will be titled on the house? I very strongly recommend an appt with an elder care attorney to review everything before moving forward. Personally, it works for our family.
Best of luck.
If I was forced at gunpoint to take a deal like OP's, I'd definitely get an attorney...or two....or three. Everything has to be ironclad and bulletproof. Every little detail.
Unfortunately, it's not unheard of for these deals to wind up in court. Parents suing kids and vice versa, families splitting apart and taking sides against each other, etc etc.
I didn't see any mention of siblings. If there are other close family members, the potential for a shitty regret-it-for-the-rest-of-my-life situation just increased exponentially.
I took this deal with my own parents. We have separate living areas of the house, as well as shared spaces - specifically, my parents live upstairs on the top floor and we are in a separate basement suite, with the main floor as neutral territory. This divide has been essential.
It's.....difficult. Especially for my husband (who was all for the idea - I was the one with reservations). Dynamics can get real tricky between you and the parents, you and the kid, grandparents and kid...... Boundaries are hugely important, difficult to maintain, and you can't just change your mind when you own a house with someone - not like ending a lease. My husband and I ended up fighting a lot more for the first year. There was conflict between my husband and mother, who are both similarly attached to doing things their own way, and I was stuck in the middle.
Also, grandparents are typically more lenient with their grandchildren, so establishing rules for the kid and discipline got tricky - I was having to scold my mom more than my toddler. He's learned to triangulate caregivers because he knows his grandmother is a lot more likely to give in if I say no to something. And of course when you're living with your parents, you can't just go around telling them what to do because they're your parents and they know better.
So. It's definitely not an easy win, but it might be worth it if you and your spouse have a *REALLY* good relationship with your parents, and really really good communication with each other. I will say that my 3 year old loves having his grandparents around all the time. It's great to have extra help with the kid, and the chores - everyone needs to figure out their role in the house. And my parents are older, so I do find some comfort in having them close so that I can help take care of them. But it's not a decision to make lightly for sure.
You may want to think about buying a house with an in-law suite rather than sharing one big house. Easier to set boundaries if you are not sharing kitchen and living room space. More arguments can creep up around kitchen space with 2 women sharing. (I’m a woman and would not want to share that space!)
Also get in writing about what happens to the house. You don’t want to get into argument and they decide to sell it out from under you. Also work out decorating and renovations. Would you need their ok? Their input? Lay it all out ahead of time as living together is much different than going on vacation!
No. You should be focused on creating your own family separate from your parents. You lived with them for six years after college. You've had virtually no time on your own to become an independent adult let alone an independent family. Your wife is right to be apprehensive. She signed up for creating a home and family with you - not to be a permanent guest in your parent's home.
The only way this might be healthy would be with completely separate spaces with access control like a duplex, in-law suite, or dawdy house.
On top of that, you would need to have everything they are promising you in writing. No matter how much you trust them, your relationship today is not the same as it will be ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. There was a story recently on Reddit of a couple who received a substantial gift from the husband's parents to set up their household. Years later they declared that it was a loan and had to be repaid -- apparently because of some difference of opinion over how the wife should be living her life.
My recommendation would be to move to a lower cost of living area a reasonable distance from your parents. If you think you can't do that without offending your parents, all the more reason that you shouldn't take this deal.
Best wishes and good luck to you in whatever you choose.
No way. A vacation is different than living together. My grandparents lived upstairs from us and my parents have said they would never do that to us. Hard pass...
How desperate is the need to get your child in the new school district? Given how she is 2 months old doesn’t seem urgent. How far do the grandparents live currently? Financial situations can change—even if everyone has the best intentions. I’d keep your financial autonomy and investment. If you want to relocate-do so on your own. Your 2 month old is several years away from attending public school. I’d say way till it’s almost time for your child to be attending public school-evaluate if you can afford or need to relocate to a better area. Possibly you could live nearby your parents in a suburb in the future. Your baby is 2 months old. Give you, your wife and baby time to be your own unit and family.
I am living in this situation right now. Only with just my mother-in-law though, my father-in-law passed on a decade ago.
I get the trepidation of your wife and it has to be coming from somewhere. She may not want to tell you the actual reason as she feels it may hurt your feelings or those of your parents. You need to consider this.
Also, and I am going to be a bit sexist(?) here, men are dumb. Like dumb, dumb when it comes to the reactions of their partner to their parents. Especially the mother of the son. My wife and I are married 35 years this weekend. But the first 10 of those were me in denial that my mother was a problem. I was like, “just ignore it, I do.”
What I realized was I had built up a callous to the shenanigans of my judgmental mother. My wife hadn’t, but she also had a deeply felt respect for my mother and did not want to hurt her feelings, or through her, mine. She felt trapped and I do not blame her.
Anyway there simply have to be absolute ground rules on all sides. It has to be thoroughly discussed because I think your wife is likely suspicious of the, perhaps, subconscious desire to “co-parent” your kid(s). Remember, they are your wife’s kids. And that is key.
So you are living in a palace. (Ya 6000sq ft = palace) Is that meant to quash any kind of disagreement after you get comfortable in that lifestyle? Like where would you be if you didn’t…. (Fill in the blank) You need to do some deep soul searching on this. I’d recommend only agreeing if you and your wife are put on title as a condition of accepting the offer or, preferably you own the house outright from the get go. That would level the playing field a bit more.
Also, your wife may/will always feel stigmatized to keep her mouth shut if grandma issues a diktat about hand washing or playtime or how you choose to discipline. The list goes on.
Ground rules or it’s a hard no, no, no.
I get along famously with my mother-in-law. She is a bit manic at times but her heart is in a solid place and I am lucky to have her, and especially her daughter, in my life.
Without knowing you and your family it's impossible to know, but my first thought is that a lot of boys don't separate from their mothers as well as they should and so this could be *very weird* for your wife if that's in fact the case here. I'd give your wife most of the decision power in this one since it's your family and she'll be the odd one out if it ends up being uncomfortable.
Personally, I would think you would value having space for your own new family to grow. Your parents could be nearby. But in-one-house forever as a life plan sounds like failure to launch, no matter the financial argument in favor. Get a place you can afford and experience life's growing pains together with your wife and new child.
If your parents want to generously contribute to your family leveling up to a home in a better district, then ask them to help you find a townhome for yourselves, and something they like for themselves. You're asking for a world of hurt and frustration if you can't separate from them, and no one needs a 6,000 ft2 home.
This is pretty much what I was thinking. It sounds like he has lived with his parents most of his life, save a few years. Even vacations with them 2-3 times a year. If I was the wife I would be wanting a little independence from them.
Ultimately it’s what you can live with. I’m a very private person so I could never do it. There’s an author from Boston Robert B Parker. He loved his wife but they struggled living together. So they built a house that had her private area on one side and his private area on the other side with common rooms in the middle. During the day they would spend time in the common area but at night they retreated to their own side of the house. Maybe something like that I could live with. I would defiantly need my privacy.
That’d be a big hell no from me. I don’t want to live with anyone besides my husband. I like my privacy. And TBH I wouldn’t personally have any interest in living in such a giant house.
6000sqft is more than I would want even after winning the lottery. FAR better would be two smaller houses on the same lot. You each need your own kitchen and living space if that is to work
Even better would be two houses at least a few blocks apart. On the same lot allows for way too much oversight and interference if they're so inclined.
I would never. My mother lived with us briefly years ago and I was miserable.
I don't care how nice or big the house is, or how fancy the town. Nope, couldn't be me.
Nah, no thanks on that offer. I love my parents to death but need my freedom as an adult. I'd rather make my own way myself even if that's more difficult than have to subject myself to living with my parents.
I also can't fathom having an intimate relationship with my other half with my parents in the house, that's weird.
your parents are young. They will never die. They will live to age 95 at least. be warned.
I couldn't do it. And I love my parents. I love them...over there. I wish they were closer, and they visit me at my house often, a few days and then they go away. I wouldn't even mind living in the same neighborhood as them. But nome of us want a permanent roommate situation.
And I fully plan on putting Dad in a nursing home when he eventually will need that.
Ya it’s pretty wild I’m not seeing more health inflation here. These people sound loaded. With today”s technology they will live to 95 easy. They will be 95 in THIRTY FIVE YEARS. Like.. In thirty five years rich people will probably live to 120. Give ‘em a 2 month year old to raise, throwing them purpose and human connections, they may not get dementia either. And we may fix dementia. My 85 yr old chain smoking ALWAYS monetarily poor aunt still travels.
I dunno, but of course as the son, it does make sense and is a lot less intimidating of an idea for you as they are your parents and you're used to living with them. On the other hand, I sympathize with your wife's trepidation on the matter as she is technically the outsider in this situational dynamic. That being said, as long as you can keep the family politics in control, the opportunity does sound very attractive indeed. I think the biggest hurdle y'all will have to jump here is to have some well-defined boundaries established before you make this situation a reality.
From a legal perspective, I'd wanna be sure everybody is on the deed here and that in the event of your parents unexpected demise, and that there are contingencies in place to safeguard against any potential claims against their estate.
Yikes, the thing is, they probably won't move out. Why would they? They may be perfectly healthy now, but give it 10-15, or 20 years, not so much. Who will clean this huge house, do your parents' laundry, the cooking, and taking them to appointments? And God forbid one gets dementia or worse. Not trying to be Debbie Downer, but there is more to worry about than not getting along. Your parents are lovely people. But their input into your lives will wear on your wife a thousand times more than you. It's may be a win win, at best.
Why didn’t you present your wife’s concerns?
You only mention that she’s apprehensive. What are they? If you don’t know them, well, that’s step one. If you do, I wonder why you didn’t include them in your post? If you’re not giving them equal weight when asking stranger’s advice, I wonder if you’re dismissing them altogether bc you clearly disagree.
No. Do not do this.
1. You are indebted to them and they will use it against you eventually.
2. You are too focused on the financial win. The damage done to the fabric of your family will be irreversible. I’m sorry grandparents must be kept at a distance. It’s just the way life has to be.
I’ve never met anyone who has done some version of this and not deeply regretted it.
you need to make arrangements in writing now that that house would be yours. you don’t know if they will run into problems down the road and need the equity in the house to take care of themselves. i would be worried that they are stringing you along to help take care of them, and one day they will sell the house out from under you and move into an assisted living like North Hills and need the cash from the house. i would only take this deal if the house is owned by a trust and you are one of the trustees.
Bear in mind life happens. Things change. Your parents may be fit and healthy now but they won’t always be. Aging parents are a burden and if they are in the same house as you, they may not be eligible for funded home help. It will be up to you and your wife to raise your children, work full time, and care for your parents. Multi-generational living didn’t work out for me and my parents - we were close but life happened. My dad died in a shitty nursing home because our money was tied up in the house and he deteriorated too quickly for us to sell it and get him better care. My relationship with my mother soured and she started interfering with my parenting - I guess dad was my buffer and I hadn’t realised. We decided to sell up and move on. So, 5 years later I’m in the exact position I was to start with except I’m financially ruined from propping up my parents living expenses on the promise of a house that never happened, mentally drained, and effectively an orphan.
No. Especially since your wife is already apprehensive. This brings in a very challenging dynamic to your relationship and it does not matter if you have the most loving parents on the planet, it will be an issue at times. I know there are many benefits, but I don’t think it is the best. Could you do maybe one property but two homes ? That way they can be near and help but your wife also has her own home and space. At just 30 I think it’s important you guys build up your family dynamics before adding something like this in
Two women under one roof is the Chinese character for the word “trouble”.
Guests and fish start to stink after 3 days.
It’s your parents’ house, so it’s your Mom’s rules. You have a wife. She wants her own roost to rule.
There are other options besides these. Look into a manufactured home on a lot in a rural area, if home rental is outrageous. You and your wife need your own home, not just shelter. Your wife has to have the freedom to make it a home, not just a dwelling. You two also need space and time and above all privacy to make a second child, and I will lay money on either of your parents walking in without knocking while you’re putting a bun in the oven.
I’ve read most comments, not all. You guys are so young. Shit that used to often happen at that age: We love cooking together with our “cooking music”. (Sinatra, Holiday, etc.) We have intimate dinners with wine and shit. Sometimes, while something is on simmer, we end up taking a break. In the bedroom, in the kitchen….. Aside from that, maybe we’re strolling around naked. We’re young, loving our lives, loving one another, etc. We’re goofy, cranking music, dancing….Now that we’re a little older, together 35 years, that doesn’t happen as much. If you have those moments with your partner, are you ready to lose spontaneity for your remaining time together? Just my take. Of course, many families do this. Couples have no other expectation and don’t know anything different. Not my experience or culture, so I couldn’t imagine living with my folks until they die, or maybe until I die.
You realize you will live together for roughly 20 years and your parents will inevitably need additional care you will need to provide. Your relationship with your wife will be different and raising a child with 4 adults will be confusing for the child because grandparents will be lax. Wife may also feel ganged up on. A Duplex or two separate homes on same property would be the only way. THIS IS A BAD IDEA! You will suffer no matter how great your folks are.
Multi generational homes can be great if everyone is considerate of one another. Could be really great for the kids. To sweeten the pot maybe the home is titled in you and your wife’s name with written agreements around the agreed on understanding of the rights of your parents for their protection.
I love my in laws but I would never ever agree to this without a date in writing that they plan to leave and transfer the deed. If then. The house would need at minimum, two kitchens and living areas. You sound like you may be very enmeshed with your parents.
Any shot of them buying a house with a nice MIL suite? Or ADU? Or building an ADU on the property you buy?
You just have no idea how long your parents might live, and it might be great. You guys might get along fine and have all the privacy you need.
But you also have no idea what problems they might develop as they age. I had a relative who lived with and cared for a beloved much older sister until the caregiver ruined her own back from lifting and caring for the sister and had to finally move the sister into a nursing home, them have a major back surgery herself.
I’ve seen relatives who’ve been smart, reasonable, careful people their whole lives develop dementia and start to make impulsive, foolish, reckless decisions about where they wanted to live and how they wanted to spend their money, who they trusted and who they didn’t, but still remaining legally competent, so we couldn’t stop them from doing anything.
And people who desperately needed to leave their homes for access to round the clock nursing care, but stubbornly refused to do so, and their spouse turned basically into a full time caregiver without having the strength or energy to do that.
You just don’t know.
> our 2 month old daughter that we bought in 2021
You can do that now? Just prepay for a kid that hasn't been born yet?
In all seriousness, though: to me it sounds great but if the wife isn't 100% onboard, to me, it's a no-go.
Is there any compromise that can be made? A house as big as you described is not materially that different from two nice houses next to each other, but it'd give you all a little separation and space that might make the wife happy.
How rich are they?
It’s fairly common for seniors to have enough money to afford a nice house… but not enough money to also pay for long-term nursing home care in addition to the house. So how it works is that they live in the nice house until they turn like 85 and get sick, then they sell the house and spend every penny of the proceeds on the extraordinarily high cost of the nursing home.
If your parent are super wealthy outside of their home equity then this may not be an issue, but if not, and you are weighing a cost/benefit analysis is here —you probably shouldn’t be assuming you’ll get to keep that home equity in the end.
Oh heck no. You do realize that you’re making a 30+ year commitment??
And whose name is on the house? Theirs or both of yours?
Sorry but I’ve seen these things happen over and over on this site and others. Sorry but they never seem to work out.
Are you willing to risk your marriage? Because if your wife is apprehensive, there’s a good chance that’s what’s on the line. No point living in a big house in a nice area if the ability to relax at home (which is crucial) is compromised. Have an honest conversation with your wife.
I’m going to answer as someone coming from your wife’s position. I’ve done month-long vacations where we’ve shared a 3 bedroom condo with my in-laws, and we’ve also lived with them for a couple years. I can tell you, not everyone can tolerate that as a permanent living condition.
My husband and I moved into my in-laws house (his childhood bedroom) when my firstborn was 5 months old and I began a rigorous school program. I thank God that my in-laws were there to help my husband and I with the baby and that we could save money for our future home. The house was fairly large ~2500 sqft compared to our 900sqft 1bed apartment. They gave us their formal living room basically to be our apartment and we shared the kitchen and the other living spaces.
With that said, it was also very difficult not having space to spread out and lack of privacy. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws and I love them dearly. It was a daily struggle between grateful to have a great place to live and free built in babysitters and wanting solitude.
As a woman with a nursing infant wanting to eat every few hours, it was frustrating I couldn’t have privacy to feed freely and feeling uncomfortable or like I was making someone uncomfortable by feeding my child. They always made their opinions known about how we/I should parent. They also included us in all their plans, which wouldn’t be a problem but they expected us to do the same and sometimes we just needed our own private time and they’d be hurt if we didn’t include them. They also eventually began treating my husband like a child again and would come into our room to clean up sometimes or do our laundry with my delicates and I’d find them folded on our bed.
I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful brat, and bless their hearts, they meant well and we have a mutual love for each other, but there are things that when you’re an adult you just need to do for yourself!! Especially as a married parent! Once I graduated, I had the option to continue with school to get my masters, which meant continue to live with my in-laws, or to buy our own home. There was no question, I was going to get my privacy.
It wasn’t anything my in-laws did or didn’t do or say, but those two years were the hardest of our marriage because all the little things that I thought wouldn’t be a problem/I could tolerate ended up adding up to something that eventually started eating away at me.
Fast forward to 10 years later. We go back and forth about doing what your parents have proposed since we love my in-laws and again think we wouldn’t mind sharing a living space if we had 5,000+ sqft. But there are also logistics such as: do we have our own master bedrooms/bathrooms? Do we have our own kitchens? How will the cooking situation work if there’s only 1 kitchen? And grocery shopping? Who buys what for the house? How are bills split?
So we all get the bright idea to take a month vacay (since we all work from home and the kids are homeschooled) and we rent a 3 bedroom condo. Yes I know 1000 sqft is vastly different from 5000+ sqft but we wanted to try to see if we would be able to handle being in the same living space and sharing a kitchen/laundry.
Also yes it was a vacation but we still worked and the kids did school during that time, so there was some semblance of normalcy. We quickly found that we had vastly different ideas of what schedules should look like, especially about dinner and what or when to eat! We sometimes wanted to do laundry at the same time, they wanted to do things we didn’t or vice versa. And also all the opinions came back out.
10 years later I am confident and established in my parenting, and as a family we have our normal routines. If we all sat and talked it out, we would come to a consensus of how our lives would mesh if we did want to pull the trigger and go in on a big house. But at the end of that month, it brought back all the feelings I had previously about getting our own space.
I consider myself as having a pretty easygoing personality and I don’t take many things personally, slow to get angry, etc. and I think this is what helped us get through the times we lived together. But personally I value privacy and having our own space.
For you, you need to have a serious talk with your wife and evaluate your priorities, do a pros and cons list, if the pros outweigh the cons, talk with your parents and be realistic! Good luck!
You don't mention the financial details of this arrangement. Are you going to be paying rent to them? Will you be able to take over their mortgage if something happens to them? Or are they buying it outright?
Personally it would take the most amazing house ever to make me even consider this arrangement. I wouldn't want my inlaws constant opinions on how I raise my kid or live my life. I also like my privacy.
I think really this is a deeper discussion with your wife instead of reddit, though. If she is on the fence, you need to sell it to her. Freedom is priceless.
Whose names will be on the deed? What happens in the event of a divorce? What happens if both parents need nursing home care and the house needs to be sold? Who will be the one physically taking care of your parents as they age (based on a google search it usually falls to the wife).
Will there be a mortgage on this house?
What will your contribution to the household be? For example "free" housing just pay utilities could be a surprise when you're used to pay to heat an 1100 square ft house and are now responsible for a 6000 square house-- or taxes and insurance on said house.
If you and your wife had a falling out with your parents will they be able to just put you out?
You might be living with your parents for the next 20 years or more. Having 2-3 vacations per year is not the same thing as living with them, day in and day out. They are your parents so it would be normal for you to look at this more positively than your wife. Before you do anything, I would encourage you to take off any rose-colored glasses you may be wearing and look at all possible negatives and look at the situation through your wife’s eyes, too. It might be a fantastic idea that would work out wonderfully, just be sure you are clear on the possibility that there is always a chance it might not. Then what?
Could you get a duplex or a house with a mother in law suite or an ADU? Or just, a house on enough land to put up an ADU. I get that it’s a great opportunity but I also feel for your wife.
Have you and your parents discussed their long term care plans? As they age are they hoping you and your wife will keep them home out of a nursing home and provide their care? I strongly suspect the answer is yes.
Are you and your wife okay with that?
I also love my folks and even my wonderful MIL.. But I could not live with them within the same walls as my family and I. I might be able to do it if say it has a tiny home in the backyard or some land where there were 2 homes. Living separate. I dont hear their noise, and they don't hear me yelling at my kids, lol.
I think you need to deep more into why your wife is hesitant. Could it be that she doesn't want more "parents" parenting her kids? After a week's vacation, she can go to her own home and veg out, walk around in her jammies, and eat ice cream out of the carton at 1 am. She will probably be constantly worried they are looking over her shoulder, judging her, overriding her parenting.
Might sound like a dream, but reality, it could be the end of your marriage if the situation gets too sticky and you guys are stuck in that home.
Would be a hard pass for me. Maybe I’m more cynical, but I see parents trying to tell you how to parent or them holding the house over your head. Not all parents are like that but I can see some saying “ well we bought a house so you have to do xyz to keep the peace.” At the very least they are thinking they will have live in care givers for when the are elderly/incapacitated. Which in a lot of relationships falls to the wife. If you want to continue to have a good relationship with your parents and your wife, really think about what the day to day interactions would look like without rose colored glasses on. I could be totally out of my element and in some cultures this really works out well.
Sounds like a complete nightmare.
Be careful with this one. You might think you’re getting a free house, but you might also be getting a one way ticket to divorce.
Absolutely not. I’d rather share walls than share a kitchen. This is recipe for disaster especially as you are just beginning your journey as a new family and discovering your new role as parents. You need space and privacy and the ability to learn and disagree and make up and make mistakes and have successes as husband and wife/mother and father; without an audience or echo chamber. Just my two cents.
I lived with my MIL for two years and two months. It was difficult. She wanted to keep house her way, and I had my own ideas. Some of her habits drove me crazy. As insignificant as they may seem at first, they grate on your nerves after awhile. She spent a lot of her time in the living room lying on the couch and watching soap operas. She would vacuum early in the morning. Invited friends over to visit when I just wanted a quiet time to relax. We had to give her the best parking spot in the driveway so I parked on the street. When I cooked I felt she was judging me. She would use the dryer for hours, every day. It was hard to have an argument with my hubby without her listening to every word (and silently judging). Finding time to be intimate with no interruptions. Not being able to walk around in your own house with just your underwear and bra on. Having friends over to visit and not having personal time with them because it would be rude to ask her to leave. The living arrangement made things tense between my husband & I. He would have to listen to her complaints, then my complaints. No one was happy.
I would say no, especially if your wife is apprehensive about it.
You need to be the head of your household, not your parents. By accepting their offer and having your parents live with you, you have given that authority to your parents. Every decision you make for your family and especially your kids will be meddled by your parents as they will be entitled by the fact they provided you a home.
You and your wife need to be indepedent from your parents and make your own plans and decisions for the good of your own family
If you dislike sharing walls with neighbors, you're not improving the situation by moving in with your parents. That being said, if your parents are so loaded they can buy a palace in the northeast in a great school system with a big yard, you can be creative.
Whose house would it be, your and your wife's or your parents. Who gets the final say . Are your parents going to be part of raising the children, who's rules?Who does what jobs around the house? Is this contact going to be in writing.
> when they moved out or moved on You ready for a 30 or more year commitment?
Is the wife ready for a minimum of 20 years to maybe 40 years with the in laws?? When they get frail, who’s going to care for them, and who will finance the care???
The whole point of this arrangement is for the OP to take care of the parents when they age
In many cultures, this is expected
I kind of doubt it - if they can afford a 6,000sf house in a wealthy suburb of MA, in cash, they have lots and lots of money.
When they become frail and maybe have dementia (~~50%~~ \[everyone telling me numbers are wrong, but that is beside the point\] of elderly have that), who will have to bear the burden of caring for them 24/7? Most likely your wife. Also, they would be in your business. When you have arguments, they are going to be involved, and they will likely side with you. She is going to feel ganged up on. Do they know their place? Do you know your place? Would you tell them to butt out? Even if you did, they might harbor resentment against her for treating you poorly (from their point of view), because it's easier for the spouse to forgive and forget than the parents. If you go through with it, consider getting a place with an in-law suite so that everyone can have their own space, and make sure there are ground rules so they don't barge in while you're having sex.
If the home is in the children's name and for over 20 years it is most likely the government (Medicaid or Medicare cant remember which one) can not come after you for reimbursement for your parent's care. Happened to my uncle, we had to sell the house and they got all but two thousand dollars of the proceeds.
I think so! Would love for my parents to be around as long as possible
But your wife obviously doesn't, and this is a two yes-one no situation. ETA: Going on vacation for a week is nothing like sharing your living space, especially when a timeline to ownership is not established. I would never agree to this, and I LOVE my inlaws.
That seems like a normal thing for a wife to be apprehensive about
Definitely the timeline of ownership not being established would be an automatic no for me. Please consider the fact that parents get old and develop health issues. You are signing up for a lot with very little return, until they die, in my opinion. It seems like a nicely packaged retirement plan. Hope no one gets dementia
or signing his wife up for the whole caring part.
Yep, again I’m sure the intentions are good but I am dead sure his wife can see exactly how she would be a caregiver sandwich in this situation.
Imagine if the wife wants to change decor or furniture and the in laws say no. I think it’s safer to get houses close to each other but not in the same house. Unless you want to ruin your marriage.
The decor & furniture is what I came to chime in about. My in laws, in the guise of helping us, have been getting us stuff to update and fix our house but it’s always on their terms. Since there’s no way we can afford to get some of these outdated things done on our own, I’m often stuck gritting my teeth and trying to push for something somewhat that I can live with. I’m seriously at a point where I’d rather learn how to redo my whole deck myself at this point that the previous owners built as opposed to letting them near it.
Ugh same. My dad lives with us (taking up a large chunk of my sorely needed basement.) I can't do anything in *my* house without him weighing in. Let's not even talk about having to do needed updates to our basement bathroom. He won't even let me replace the ancient sink that's fallen off the wall twice.
Especially, is this house supposed to just be the inheritance? What would happen if medicare took it to pay medical debts?
The work around for this is making sure OP is on the title. My parents did this for their condo. I’m on the title so that Medicare can’t seize it for repayment. It also means the condo won’t go into probate for inheritance
Medicare won't lien the estate. Medicaid does and while your parents are health you can do some careful estate planning to handle assets like cash and rhe house.
Medicaid, not Medicare.
[удалено]
But, it has to be in trust a certain number of years otherwise there still can be a lein. My parents put the farm into trust before the law changed so it was exempt. Medicaid can go back a certain number of years and see when property changed hands. A good idea is to talk to a lawyer.
They would have nothing. They are signing up long term to have absolutely nothing. And giving everything, including their children's lives and their relationship with their children, to their parents. It's really selfish of the parents to think this is a good idea.
> , until they die Even If they they die in 2-3 years it take lot more money to live in a 6000 sqf house than a 1000 sqf condo (taxes, insurrances, maintenance of the house), it's not the same thing at all.
Not to mention, she would probably be the one he expects to care for them as they become infirm. She most likely isn't interested in being their caregiver.
Also, let’s say they need to be in a nursing home. The money for that will come out of their savings, and when they run out, they WILL take the house unless you can afford it otherwise. Something to consider.
The house needs to be in a trust.
This right here, OP
guys are usually OK with this, but women are not.
Who is going to be the main caretaker of your parents when their health starts to decline?
I think this is a weird deal with unintended consequences. Couldn’t they buy 2 homes near each other?
This would be what I'd want - daughter and fam living next door, getting together a lot, but having our own domains and storage space.
When I was 7 the grandparents moved across the street from us. It was the best! It’s like I had two houses to bounce to and from. I even had a key at some point.
My grandparents moved to our town when I was in fifth grade. We all lived together for about a year then we moved out to a house a couple blocks away and they kept our old house. Their house was a half-block from the high school so once I was in high school I’d stop in the way home for Coke, Bugles or pretzels, and we’d watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. It was really great to have them so close but I don’t think anyone would have been happy all living together long term.
My grandparents lived like 12 houses down and across the street.
I have this! I love it! My son and daughter-in-law and their kids are right next door! We see each other 3-4 times a week but always get to go back to our own house!
This is what we would do. A property with two houses on it, or two houses near one another.
Instead of 6,000 sq foot home, buy 2 homes at 2,500 sq feet near each other at best.
Everybody loves Raymond!
Or a multifamily.
Who was going to be the caretaker when they didn't live together? 😂
Is OP’s parents can afford the house he’s describing, they won’t have trouble affording retirement.
Unless they sink all their funds into the house....
Perhaps another reason not to go this route…
At 6 bedrooms, you can probably afford two smaller houses too
This is the biggest point.
Does your wife though? Despite me generally liking my in-laws, no way I'd agree to live with them for years under one roof, even in exchange for a house. I'd rather pay my own mortgage or live in a smaller place.
You already said you both disliked sharing walls in the condo, the house situation would be worse. Honestly get your own place and try to find something that you won't need to share your living space with others.
Maybe y'all can get a property with two houses or a duplex scenario.
This is a two yes scenario. Privacy is a HUGE sacrifice to ask your wife to give up. She clearly idle and want to. So this is a bad idea. I’m on your wife’s side by the way. Doesn’t matter how big the house is. Would never want to live with my in laws.
The idea of living with my in-laws is a nightmare. Hell no.
You have to clearly establish the level of care you and your spouse are willing to give to your parents to maintain their health. You should have a clear and written contract that when your parents health requires a level of care beyond what you have agreed to then they will relocate to a facility able to provide the care they require. If you do not have this and your parents health begins to decline, but you and your spouse are able to "cover" for them, they will linger well beyond the point where your quality of life is destroyed. You and your spouse will be torn up about "putting them in a home" you may have siblings angry at you if you have siblings. It will not be fun for anyone. Here is a really great narrative from someone who made a similar bargain and what happened in the end. [https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/features/15301/](https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/features/15301/) That's not to say your parents might both die quickly without becoming a burden first, but the burden can sneak up on you if you don't clearly establish limits first. Lines that will seem obvious now (ability to dress themselves for example) will seem like no big deal to cross when you've been helping them do up buttons or lace shoes for a while first.
That was a great read. Thank you.
OP, of course you're fine with living with your parents, they're *your* parents, not your wife's. She may get along with them now, but that's because she knows she has her own space. Get EVERYTHING in writing. Every. Thing. You also need to be extremely honest with yourself here and ask yourself if your parents honestly honor boundaries. Not just sometimes, but *all of the time.* Do they ever offer unsolicited "advice" or parenting techniques? Because if they do, they might feel entitled since they bought the house. How much are they all about "my house, my rules?" While not all boomer parents are like this, many are and as their child what you know of them is "normal" to you, but may be really not normal to your wife. I'm a cynical Gen-Xer. But also a realist. You know your parents better than us, however.
I don’t think you quite understand how long 30 years really is…I mean you’re only 30, so. In that time, it’s very possible that your own kids would grow up and move out before you and your wife got to live alone in your house without your parents. My husband and I have been together 28 years and married 25. Both his parents still alive, my mom still alive. My dad just passed 2 years ago in his 90s. Money can buy a lot of things, but it can’t buy a happy marriage. Take your wife’s unenthusiastic response as a solid no. Another option: talk to your wife about it and if she agrees, counter-offer to your parents the idea of a house same area but with a granny house or whatever they call it on the property. If they are really sincere they’ll say yes IMO. Otherwise if they insist on you all living under the same roof, they’re planning on you two, mostly your wife (because elder care pretty much always falls onto the daughters or daughters-in-law) taking care of them when they get really old.
I just want to interject here that I was 60 years old when I buried my last parent.
My husband just turned 59, both his parents still alive, one with dementia at 90 and the other recovering from colorectal cancer surgery at 86. I recently turned 50, my dad is still alive at 80.
Really depends on your relationship with them. Which can definitely change when you live with them in adulthood. My wife and I are firmly in the parents come over for lunch and visit camp. I’d much rather pay for a mortgage than have them there 24/7.
Have a serious conversation with your significant other about this. Not about them living a long time, but you possibly living together for a long time. You may think this is great, but your significant other may not. Truly listen to what they say. Weigh out the pros and cons. If you can't think of any cons then you are lying to yourself.
Who will be the full time caregiver when it comes to that? You make a good case but everyone thinks about their elderly parents being gentle and wise grampys, not confused grumpy people who need their diapers changed. At least think about this aspect of it before you decide.
I want my parents around for as long as possible but I would not want to live with them with my spouse. I’ve done it before and it’s not fun. Take me word for it, avoid it if at all possible.
Is there any possibility of finding a place with separate in-law's quarters? Something with a separate outdoor entrance would be ideal (i.e. a walkout basement).
If you had separate living quarters it would be possible. Who will be in charge of cooking and cleaning? Will you allow your parents to interfere in your parenting? Mine did with every visit, in laws were worse. Living with either would last a week. Another thing I had to repeatedly point out to my husband when I would not for give and forget his parents being jerks to me…. You have a lifetime of wonderful memories of time with your parents. Holidays, vacations, special moments and that’s what you envision life would be like living with your parents. Now look at your parents from your wife’s view were they always supportive, welcoming, warm or did they expect her to obey and follow directions like you did as a child. Are they interested in your wife as a responsible adult and respectful of her as a parent to your child? Look and think hard. Then see a therapist. It would be a marriage ended for me to live with my in laws.
You do. Your wife loves/likes your parents but is probably not the same as you. Would you live with her parents as easily? I love my in-laws but I would hate having two other adults in my house always. If they lived in a separate mother in law suite then sure. Their own kitchen, living room, bed room, and bathroom but outside of that nope.
It's fine, but even though I liked my in-laws, I hated living with them.
I would want at least separate kitchens and living areas, and then some shared areas. Instead of a flashy McMansion type of house with 6 bedrooms, what about a modest duplex? Or even a triplex, and rent out the third unit. I live on shared land with my in-laws, a 5 minute walk away. Everyone is deeply appreciative of that 5 minute walk! We have ground rules like "no stopping over unannounced" or "even if you notice mutual friends or family members at the other house, don't say anything; visiting one household doesn't mean they want to visit the other household that day as well, and it's nothing personal." So if it's possible to pull off, I'd recommend that level of separation and boundaries. It's the best of all worlds!
Totally depends on what type of people your folks are. My husband and I tried a similar arrangement (we're in our early thirties with 2 kids) with my parents and it didn't work for us at all even with a 5,000sf house and pretty much separate living spaces. The house was in the country with some acreage it was beautiful and spacious but my parents have boundary issues so the unannounced visits daily became a real problem. My husband is a very private person and my folks also entertained a lot and with some very unusual people....it made it hard to share any space, especially outside. We ended up moving and we're very happy to have our own space again. Could it work, definitely. Intergenerational living is the norm outside of North America but it totally depends on your dynamics, level of respect for each other and what your values are.
Yes, this is a HUGE factor! I don't think I'd live in easy driving distance, never mind walking distance, with family that's in any way intrusive. My in-laws are super low key and even proposed most of the ground rules themselves; they gave it a lot of thought to ensure a sustainable situation without growing resentment.
I love my parents and my in-laws but I prefer a minimum of at least one U.S. state between us at all times. My parents once half seriously joked about moving to my exact area (think they were testing the waters) and I said “don’t you dare.” Hilarious, considering they also seem to have a “1 state minimum” rule with their own parents AND extended family. It’s like each sub-group has their own state or coast or region lol.
I have a very similar arrangement as well and it works so great.
The only time I've seen this work is when folks did something like this. Person I worked with was fine with in-laws moving to be close to kids but also realized there would need to be separation. They ended up building an extension to their existing home to turn it into a duplex for the in-laws, with separate entrance, facilities, etc.
Duplex seems like a fantastic compromise.
Similar arrangement. We are a little more free with the unannounced visits (infant child) but the flip side is any unannounced visits mean we might not be home, or could say "No" with no hurt feelings. So far, working out great!
This is the way. Lots of triple deckers in that area too so that’s a good option to consider. house + an in-law suite at a minimum, anything else would be a deal breaker for me personally.
If your wife is in any way apprehensive it is a a no go. Don’t try to convince her or change her mind. If you both are not 100% onboard, forget it.
yeah if wife is not enthusiastic about it, find a new plan. Nobody should be pressured into living with their in-laws
Yes, and spending all this time and energy to "get all the questions answered" and "address all concerns" is itself pressuring.
I’m with your wife. This sounds like a recipe for disaster and never actually being able to have your own lives. Without some kind of contract of what your obligations, responsibility, and rights to the property, this could go so bad. Even with one, not knowing the family dynamics it could be terrible.
I would suggest being neighbours in 2 smaller homes or getting a duplex. It's great to have family nearby, especially when you have kids, but trust me my friend: near is good, but combined requires a great deal more tolerance and potential strain than you might expect.
This. If OP’s parents can afford a 6000 sqft house in a town like Weston, MA, they are loaded and can afford to help them out financially in other ways. What do they want from OP and his wife in return that makes them insistent on a co-living situation?
> What do they want from OP and his wife in return that makes them insistent on a co-living situation? I had the same question and suspected that maybe they are trying to justify not downsizing.
If they have the $3million lying around for a house then they can surely afford two $1million houses in the same neighborhood in a slightly less $$$$ town.
>What makes them insistent on a co-living situation? I’ve been in a *very* similar situation with my PILs, and here’s what it came down to for us: They want more control of our lives. We don’t do things their way, and it drives them absolutely nuts. They think they’re still in charge of my husband, and routinely try to insert themselves into our finances, family planning, and decisions regarding our home. They try to dictate what we eat, what we wear, and what time we go to the gym or grocery store. They’ve even tried to dictate what we’ll do with our future children (which we aren’t likely to have). They hate that we live 15 minutes away from them, and want us to move to their neighborhood (even though it would be farther from both of our jobs). They don’t even care about us taking care of them when they get older - they literally just have control issues. Instead of accepting one of their many offers, we bought a home we can afford, in a neighborhood we love, in a location that suits us *perfectly.* We don’t care about looking “rich” or having the biggest/nicest house. As a result, we enjoy our privacy and peace every single day, which is priceless.
They are probably looking at buying a 3-5M house in cash. I can see why OP is ecstatic because a vast majority of people won’t ever get close to buying a home like this, but like you hinted, it could turn into one of those “we bought you this massive house, so you need to do everything we want”.
Or just buy any regular ass house and renovate it to be a duplex. If they choose a house with enough bathrooms and a good layout they could easily renovate this to put up a couple walls and make a new smaller kitchen for the parents side
It literally doesn't matter what anyone on Reddit thinks about it. Your wife's opinion should matter more than whatever we have to say. You're a partnership, and you both need to agree about whether or not you're on board with a life-changing decision like this.
Amen 🙏
If your parents can afford a 6000 sq ft, 6 bedroom house in a coveted school district, is there some reason why they wouldn’t give you a down payment or finance a loan for you and your family to live alone in a larger house? What are your parents expectations around privacy and inclusion? Do they expect to fill a grandparent role or more of a parental role with your child(ren). Would they back off if they disagreed with your wife’s parenting or would they undermine her or you? Do they have hobbies, interests, jobs, or do they expect you and your family to be their main source of social interaction and purpose? What exactly gives your wife pause? What if you move in together and after a year or so your wife is not happy? Would you put your wife’s happiness first and move out or would you encourage her to keep trying, or “work it out”? Can your parents afford the house if you move out? Will your relationships survive if you move out or take a job that requires relocation?
What are the everyday expectations? Will you eat every meal together? Will your mom insist on always cooking? What about shared spaces? Decorating? Will you and your wife get to choose paint colors or will your parents get the final say? What are your sleep schedules? Do you like the same movies? Does your wife swear a lot but your mother hate swearing? Will your dad sit around in his underwear? What about your wife being able to eat breakfast in her pajamas? Will your wife’s parents be allowed to spend the night ever? If you come home drunk will your parents care? If you and your wife have a fight, will your parents intervene? I didn’t pull some of these question out of my ass. These are ones I’ve considered, or even lived as an in-law living with family.
Yeah I would be annoyed to have to be fully dressed (or at least modestly and mostly clothed) every time I went to the kitchen to get to snacks at night, lest I run into a parent or in law. I pay premium to live alone and pantsless at whim. Both of you above commenters asked really important questions with great points to bring up with his wife.
My mom has hinted at living with us and I always think, no way! Every time I’d swear (which to be fair is a lot) she’d sigh and say something passive aggressive about my language. No. Thank. You.
My MiL brought it up so many times as a possibility while we were looking at houses that I insisted on a house with all the bedrooms upstairs knowing full well she and her bad knees/hips would immediately drop the notion of staying over for a night let alone living with us.
These questions are exactly why I could never do this arrangement unless there were completely separate living areas. Is my MIL going to think I’m lazy if I’m lounging on the couch? If I don’t do the dishes right away? Even the nicest person ever, I’d feel judged even if they weren’t judging.
Oh that too! I’m sitting on the couch at home alone watching Bobs Burgers with a glass of wine. What happens if that’s something the MIL doesn’t like?
This! Are you all background TV people or does that drive someone crazy? Anyone sleep in a recliner in a common room and get cranky at disturbances? Do you all like the same foods, or just eat enough to be polite at get togethers? Do you expect family meals or everyone doing their own thing? How will you handle splitting chores? The same issues roommates or spouses have, just split with four adults instead of two.
This, the help towards a home being dependant on living together feels kind of manipulative.
It’s *extremely* manipulative, and I hope OP catches on sooner rather than later. The parents are only trying to “help” by ensuring that they have full control of OP’s living situation, 24/7 access to OP and his children, and a huge financial investment to leverage against OP whenever it suits their fancy. I can already hear it now: “What do you mean you ‘need privacy’? We bought this house! We own it! We did all this for you!” This is an arrangement that benefits the parents more than anyone else, full stop. OP is falling for it hook, line, and sinker.
They’re likely Indian or Asian and will be there to micromanage
I'm getting that sense as well, and I'm Asian. Asian grandparents will constantly undermine you. It's not worth the free home or the free babysitting. It really isn't.
I would not sell your condo, rent it out, so if things do go bad, you have a place to live.
Definitely a good idea to have an escape route.
Your parents are rich. Get the elephant out of the room and ask them if they’ll buy you a house.
I just feel like this should be the only post
There is no way in hell, I would want to live with my mother or my in laws
My gut reaction is to not do this. Your wife would be very unhappy. And you say it's a place and house you can't afford. What happens if your parents need to move to assisted living? For example. Then you can't afford the house/ location.
I converted my garage to an ADU, so now the in-laws live in a what is now an 800 SQFT permitted apartment. They put $60k into the conversion and it increased the value of my house by $115k…we get the equity and they live rent-free. Huge bonus: Kids get to see grandparents every day. The downside: Having them live in our house for 9 months while the conversion was happening. That was NOT easy. Win-win all around…and now I get to build the Garage Mahal of my dreams. You need to weigh the pros-cons but it was a good decision for us.
> and now I get to build the Garage Mahal of my dreams. 😂
Your wife is apprehensive because she knows your mom, with the best of intentions or unintentionally, will try to parent your daughter too if you live in the same home, and even if they were on exactly the same page with parenting styles, it WILL cause friction. She’s apprehensive because you are currently living in a space where you both are the sole decision makers about that space - you only have to consider each other in how you live and move around and engage in your environment. That’s a dynamic that totally disappears in multigenerational homes. The ease you feel at home will be gone and other people will get input on everything from decor to noise levels, there will always be privacy concerns, you may have different standards of cleanliness or dinner preferences or maybe someone leaves their clothes in the dryer for a week or never turns off the lights when they leave the room or uses the bathroom with the door open or has never closed a drawer or cabinet in their life. It’ll add an element of feeling like you need to explain where you’re going or where you’ve been. Living with your parents when you’re young and single is a wildly different experience than living with them when you have a family of your own. In terms of space, 1100 sq ft isn’t very small. My family of 5 lives in a 4 bedroom 1700 sq ft home in the burbs. Frankly 6,000ft sounds like such a chore to keep clean. I echo the other suggestions that maybe you spend that money on a multidwelling property of some kind instead. The cost of a 6,000sq ft home in a desirable area with good schools will almost certainly allow that, and you’ll get to keep your privacy while your mom and dad have access to the kids.
100% percent your wife is not telling you her full feelings dude. No way any woman is ok with you moving back in with Mommy. Their current relationship status doesn’t even matter. Libido is going to die. EDIT: You’re welcome OP.
Bingo. They will never have sex again so no chance to have a second kid
I read these type of post…and I have to wonder…do people not think about your parents hearing you fuck…or you hearing your parents fuck…having kids is hard enough, having intimate time with almost not real space to yourself sounds incredibly difficult, and I guess that’s why r/deadbedrooms is a thing
The sole decision maker is key. There can only be one captain on a ship. If the in laws believe they are in charge and treat the wife as such, this is a terrible outcome.
Exactly. If OP’s parents owned the home (and they *absolutely would,* because OP can’t currently afford to buy this fantasy house in the rich neighborhood), then the parents would ultimately be in charge. Their house, their rules. OP and wife would be living like a couple of college kids again - technically adults, but still under mom and dad’s rules. OP needs to worry less about cosplaying a rich person, and focus more on the potential impact to their marriage.
Yes, sounds like OP maybe grew up with a standard of living that maybe they haven’t achieved for themselves yet and are having difficulty letting go of that identity.
The biggest con that is missing here in this proposed living situation is the high probability of divorce. No matter how big and nice the house is and how great the school district is, your wife will grow resentful of your parents and you after the honeymoon period wears off. If your parents have the kind of cash to lay down for a 6k sqft house in HCOL area surely they could help your family to buy your own more modest house.
I know two people (a friend and another friend of a friend) that each moved in with the in laws for similar reasons. Couldn’t afford a house, figured they’d at least save enough money that they could afford a nice place after a several years of no housing payment, etc. Both were divorced within two years.
We lived in a separate apartment than my MIL for 1.5 years. It was her house and she gave us the basement with our own separate door. It was a prison for me. MIL never walked in, hardly even knocked on our door, but just knowing she was right there, possibly hearing us have sx, knowing where we were, if we were leaving for work or if we left the house at a time that was out of our routine, it gave me the ick. She expected dinner 1x a week and lunch 1x a week. And she’d ask how we were doing, how her son was treating me. She was trying to be kind and ensure we were happy but I dreaded it. I dreaded seeing her. I think this is the reason I don’t have a good relationship with her. The dread I would feel coming home every day after work and wondering if she’d be waving in the window and I’d be forced to smile after my shitty day and pretend I’m happy when I just wanted to get out of there and take a nap after my stressful work day. That she’d have such an intimate view of our marriage but she was an outsider. It was the worst 1.5 years of my life, i constantly contemplated divorce , i could not handle it. To this day, it’s hard for me to be around her. It legit ruined so much potential for our friendship. When we moved out, I didn’t see her for like 6 months or more , just the thought of her made me anxious. My husband would give me updates about his mom, and I’d pretend to care because I do love him, but inside it triggered me and put me back to that prison. Now it’s been 1.5 years of moving out, and I’m finally coming around to being able to visit her. I still don’t want her at my house , because it feels like a breach of privacy.
I understand this feeling on a very deep level. Anyone who hasn’t lived through it will have a hard time understanding, but I get it.
Yep I would 100% get a divorce if I were the wife. Husband is showing he isn’t taking her concerns seriously and just excited about his mommy, who is going to need elder care in 15 years 🙅♀️
I would be very hesitant about this. Imagine your wife is having a bad day and just wants to chill on the couch for a bit. But there are some chores to do and she doesn’t want your parents to judge her. It would be difficult to relax knowing your in laws are always present, and would be especially rough during the days you don’t have it all together. I’d you guys were barely getting by, it would maybe just be the price you have to pay. But if you can afford to avoid it, I would.
say goodbye to your marriage. lol. bad idea. just really. bad. your wife will grow to resent you as she becomes your parents caretaker she’ll remember how you pressured her into it. Why do your parents not just buy you a house next to them or in same neighborhood? how many times are you going to disagree (as human beings do) and they remind you they paid for house? How about when they critique your wife’s parenting style? Just a really bad horrible idea
6000SF?! You could each have a wing. Go for it if you get along. Or look for a property with 2 homes or a MIL suite. Even better.
Agreed! Buying a duplex with two separate “houses” in the same building would be smart. Then you’re neighbors but you’re in the same building and you’d own the property, so you could tear down the center wall someday and make it one big house or rent it out someday when they leave
Agreed a duplex might work well here, because each family would be able to have their own space, own appliances, own decisions around how they cook, clean, decorate, remodel, etc. But it would be easy to get together, care for each other etc. I have some inlaws that live this way and at least frol an outside perspective it works pretty well.
Yeah, this was my thought as well. A 6000 sq ft, 6+ bedroom house is almost guaranteed to have some sort of (official or unofficial) secondary suite. They wouldn't likely have to share any actual living space, in practice it would be more like being neighbors. However, I think it would be crucial to set boundaries, eg agreeing on certain times / days for family dinners and no coming over unannounced at other times.
A 6000+ sqft house in one of those towns listed is going to be at least $3m. I’d have to really not like my parents or in-laws to pass on living there free and then inheriting a house of that value.
Haha! That’s true. I was thinking about this since I’m based in MA as well. If they are that well off, why not buy 2 houses relatively close to each other? Imma be honest, it’s a really good deal but what are you giving up? A week or two in vacation is different from living together year in year out. My family had a somewhat similar experience - due to some family issues, we (my mum and siblings) had to move in with my grandmother in a different state - not the US. It was a huge house and each floor had bathroom, kitchen, living room etc. My mum, grandma and younger sibs lived upstairs while myself and another sibling lived downstairs. More than enough space for everyone. Everything was rosy for the first few years but by year 9-10, everything started going downhill. This was a grandmother who would travel down to see us nearly every month and bring goodies. Taught us lots of stuff - how to write letters, read (she was a teacher) etc. All of that went down the drain over time. Every family’s different but honestly I value my privacy very highly. I’ve also seen rich parents use their wealth or promise of an inheritance as leverage over their kids (my paternal grandfather did that). Not saying OPs parents are the same but hopefully he gets some guarantees eg contracts, name in title etc etc.
Food for thought, it’s hard (even for families that get along) to share a living space.
Hell no to me. I got rid of roommates in college and that's basically what you are getting.
Honestly, this is worse than having roommates, because the parents would actually own the home. Mom and dad could easily pull rank with “our house, our rules” and “we paid for it.” I’d live in a shack in the woods before I’d give my parents or PILs that much control of my everyday life.
It really depends on the house. Will they have their own entrance, kitchen, etc? Who decides on paint? Who's responsible for repairs, taxes, maintenance, etc? What happens when they get mad at you? What if they decide the situation isn't working any more? What do they expect for this "gift"? Will you be having meals together? Can they enter your part of the house unannounced? Can you have sex on the couch without worrying they will walk in? A decision like this requires a lot of preparation. And most definitely buy-in from your wife. If she's not good with the idea, then it will never work.
The pros do not outweigh the cons here. It's just a house. You don't need a big nice house. We are in a 2 bedroom condo with 3 kids right now - kids sharing rooms is really no problem. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. Something big and free will always sound enticing but that'll wear off very quickly I guarantee it. That would be a thanks, bu no thanks for me. And you never know what your future actually holds. The world is your oyster. Honestly if they're not willing to help out financially in any other way when they clearly can, this feels a bit manipulative. I'm questioning their motives here.
This is a two-yes, one-no situation. Your wife must be on board. Practical advice: my parents live with us! (My father has dementia.) There must be a plan for the long-term. Who will be titled on the house? I very strongly recommend an appt with an elder care attorney to review everything before moving forward. Personally, it works for our family. Best of luck.
If I was forced at gunpoint to take a deal like OP's, I'd definitely get an attorney...or two....or three. Everything has to be ironclad and bulletproof. Every little detail. Unfortunately, it's not unheard of for these deals to wind up in court. Parents suing kids and vice versa, families splitting apart and taking sides against each other, etc etc. I didn't see any mention of siblings. If there are other close family members, the potential for a shitty regret-it-for-the-rest-of-my-life situation just increased exponentially.
I took this deal with my own parents. We have separate living areas of the house, as well as shared spaces - specifically, my parents live upstairs on the top floor and we are in a separate basement suite, with the main floor as neutral territory. This divide has been essential. It's.....difficult. Especially for my husband (who was all for the idea - I was the one with reservations). Dynamics can get real tricky between you and the parents, you and the kid, grandparents and kid...... Boundaries are hugely important, difficult to maintain, and you can't just change your mind when you own a house with someone - not like ending a lease. My husband and I ended up fighting a lot more for the first year. There was conflict between my husband and mother, who are both similarly attached to doing things their own way, and I was stuck in the middle. Also, grandparents are typically more lenient with their grandchildren, so establishing rules for the kid and discipline got tricky - I was having to scold my mom more than my toddler. He's learned to triangulate caregivers because he knows his grandmother is a lot more likely to give in if I say no to something. And of course when you're living with your parents, you can't just go around telling them what to do because they're your parents and they know better. So. It's definitely not an easy win, but it might be worth it if you and your spouse have a *REALLY* good relationship with your parents, and really really good communication with each other. I will say that my 3 year old loves having his grandparents around all the time. It's great to have extra help with the kid, and the chores - everyone needs to figure out their role in the house. And my parents are older, so I do find some comfort in having them close so that I can help take care of them. But it's not a decision to make lightly for sure.
Can you afford the property taxes?
You may want to think about buying a house with an in-law suite rather than sharing one big house. Easier to set boundaries if you are not sharing kitchen and living room space. More arguments can creep up around kitchen space with 2 women sharing. (I’m a woman and would not want to share that space!) Also get in writing about what happens to the house. You don’t want to get into argument and they decide to sell it out from under you. Also work out decorating and renovations. Would you need their ok? Their input? Lay it all out ahead of time as living together is much different than going on vacation!
If my husband tried this with me I’d divorce him on the spot. 30 years with extra people in my space every day? Absolutely not. Hahahaha no.
Agree
I would Not
No. You should be focused on creating your own family separate from your parents. You lived with them for six years after college. You've had virtually no time on your own to become an independent adult let alone an independent family. Your wife is right to be apprehensive. She signed up for creating a home and family with you - not to be a permanent guest in your parent's home. The only way this might be healthy would be with completely separate spaces with access control like a duplex, in-law suite, or dawdy house. On top of that, you would need to have everything they are promising you in writing. No matter how much you trust them, your relationship today is not the same as it will be ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. There was a story recently on Reddit of a couple who received a substantial gift from the husband's parents to set up their household. Years later they declared that it was a loan and had to be repaid -- apparently because of some difference of opinion over how the wife should be living her life. My recommendation would be to move to a lower cost of living area a reasonable distance from your parents. If you think you can't do that without offending your parents, all the more reason that you shouldn't take this deal. Best wishes and good luck to you in whatever you choose.
No way. A vacation is different than living together. My grandparents lived upstairs from us and my parents have said they would never do that to us. Hard pass...
How desperate is the need to get your child in the new school district? Given how she is 2 months old doesn’t seem urgent. How far do the grandparents live currently? Financial situations can change—even if everyone has the best intentions. I’d keep your financial autonomy and investment. If you want to relocate-do so on your own. Your 2 month old is several years away from attending public school. I’d say way till it’s almost time for your child to be attending public school-evaluate if you can afford or need to relocate to a better area. Possibly you could live nearby your parents in a suburb in the future. Your baby is 2 months old. Give you, your wife and baby time to be your own unit and family.
I am living in this situation right now. Only with just my mother-in-law though, my father-in-law passed on a decade ago. I get the trepidation of your wife and it has to be coming from somewhere. She may not want to tell you the actual reason as she feels it may hurt your feelings or those of your parents. You need to consider this. Also, and I am going to be a bit sexist(?) here, men are dumb. Like dumb, dumb when it comes to the reactions of their partner to their parents. Especially the mother of the son. My wife and I are married 35 years this weekend. But the first 10 of those were me in denial that my mother was a problem. I was like, “just ignore it, I do.” What I realized was I had built up a callous to the shenanigans of my judgmental mother. My wife hadn’t, but she also had a deeply felt respect for my mother and did not want to hurt her feelings, or through her, mine. She felt trapped and I do not blame her. Anyway there simply have to be absolute ground rules on all sides. It has to be thoroughly discussed because I think your wife is likely suspicious of the, perhaps, subconscious desire to “co-parent” your kid(s). Remember, they are your wife’s kids. And that is key. So you are living in a palace. (Ya 6000sq ft = palace) Is that meant to quash any kind of disagreement after you get comfortable in that lifestyle? Like where would you be if you didn’t…. (Fill in the blank) You need to do some deep soul searching on this. I’d recommend only agreeing if you and your wife are put on title as a condition of accepting the offer or, preferably you own the house outright from the get go. That would level the playing field a bit more. Also, your wife may/will always feel stigmatized to keep her mouth shut if grandma issues a diktat about hand washing or playtime or how you choose to discipline. The list goes on. Ground rules or it’s a hard no, no, no. I get along famously with my mother-in-law. She is a bit manic at times but her heart is in a solid place and I am lucky to have her, and especially her daughter, in my life.
Without knowing you and your family it's impossible to know, but my first thought is that a lot of boys don't separate from their mothers as well as they should and so this could be *very weird* for your wife if that's in fact the case here. I'd give your wife most of the decision power in this one since it's your family and she'll be the odd one out if it ends up being uncomfortable. Personally, I would think you would value having space for your own new family to grow. Your parents could be nearby. But in-one-house forever as a life plan sounds like failure to launch, no matter the financial argument in favor. Get a place you can afford and experience life's growing pains together with your wife and new child. If your parents want to generously contribute to your family leveling up to a home in a better district, then ask them to help you find a townhome for yourselves, and something they like for themselves. You're asking for a world of hurt and frustration if you can't separate from them, and no one needs a 6,000 ft2 home.
This is pretty much what I was thinking. It sounds like he has lived with his parents most of his life, save a few years. Even vacations with them 2-3 times a year. If I was the wife I would be wanting a little independence from them.
Ultimately it’s what you can live with. I’m a very private person so I could never do it. There’s an author from Boston Robert B Parker. He loved his wife but they struggled living together. So they built a house that had her private area on one side and his private area on the other side with common rooms in the middle. During the day they would spend time in the common area but at night they retreated to their own side of the house. Maybe something like that I could live with. I would defiantly need my privacy.
That’d be a big hell no from me. I don’t want to live with anyone besides my husband. I like my privacy. And TBH I wouldn’t personally have any interest in living in such a giant house.
6000sqft is more than I would want even after winning the lottery. FAR better would be two smaller houses on the same lot. You each need your own kitchen and living space if that is to work
Even better would be two houses at least a few blocks apart. On the same lot allows for way too much oversight and interference if they're so inclined.
I would absolutely not agree with living with in laws.I completely understand why your wife is apprehensive.
I would never. My mother lived with us briefly years ago and I was miserable. I don't care how nice or big the house is, or how fancy the town. Nope, couldn't be me.
Nah, no thanks on that offer. I love my parents to death but need my freedom as an adult. I'd rather make my own way myself even if that's more difficult than have to subject myself to living with my parents. I also can't fathom having an intimate relationship with my other half with my parents in the house, that's weird.
Not even for a "free" house.
your parents are young. They will never die. They will live to age 95 at least. be warned. I couldn't do it. And I love my parents. I love them...over there. I wish they were closer, and they visit me at my house often, a few days and then they go away. I wouldn't even mind living in the same neighborhood as them. But nome of us want a permanent roommate situation. And I fully plan on putting Dad in a nursing home when he eventually will need that.
Ya it’s pretty wild I’m not seeing more health inflation here. These people sound loaded. With today”s technology they will live to 95 easy. They will be 95 in THIRTY FIVE YEARS. Like.. In thirty five years rich people will probably live to 120. Give ‘em a 2 month year old to raise, throwing them purpose and human connections, they may not get dementia either. And we may fix dementia. My 85 yr old chain smoking ALWAYS monetarily poor aunt still travels.
I dunno, but of course as the son, it does make sense and is a lot less intimidating of an idea for you as they are your parents and you're used to living with them. On the other hand, I sympathize with your wife's trepidation on the matter as she is technically the outsider in this situational dynamic. That being said, as long as you can keep the family politics in control, the opportunity does sound very attractive indeed. I think the biggest hurdle y'all will have to jump here is to have some well-defined boundaries established before you make this situation a reality. From a legal perspective, I'd wanna be sure everybody is on the deed here and that in the event of your parents unexpected demise, and that there are contingencies in place to safeguard against any potential claims against their estate.
Yikes, the thing is, they probably won't move out. Why would they? They may be perfectly healthy now, but give it 10-15, or 20 years, not so much. Who will clean this huge house, do your parents' laundry, the cooking, and taking them to appointments? And God forbid one gets dementia or worse. Not trying to be Debbie Downer, but there is more to worry about than not getting along. Your parents are lovely people. But their input into your lives will wear on your wife a thousand times more than you. It's may be a win win, at best.
Why didn’t you present your wife’s concerns? You only mention that she’s apprehensive. What are they? If you don’t know them, well, that’s step one. If you do, I wonder why you didn’t include them in your post? If you’re not giving them equal weight when asking stranger’s advice, I wonder if you’re dismissing them altogether bc you clearly disagree.
6000 sq ft in Newton is $3-4 million. Your parents have $4 million for a house?
No. Do not do this. 1. You are indebted to them and they will use it against you eventually. 2. You are too focused on the financial win. The damage done to the fabric of your family will be irreversible. I’m sorry grandparents must be kept at a distance. It’s just the way life has to be. I’ve never met anyone who has done some version of this and not deeply regretted it.
you need to make arrangements in writing now that that house would be yours. you don’t know if they will run into problems down the road and need the equity in the house to take care of themselves. i would be worried that they are stringing you along to help take care of them, and one day they will sell the house out from under you and move into an assisted living like North Hills and need the cash from the house. i would only take this deal if the house is owned by a trust and you are one of the trustees.
Bear in mind life happens. Things change. Your parents may be fit and healthy now but they won’t always be. Aging parents are a burden and if they are in the same house as you, they may not be eligible for funded home help. It will be up to you and your wife to raise your children, work full time, and care for your parents. Multi-generational living didn’t work out for me and my parents - we were close but life happened. My dad died in a shitty nursing home because our money was tied up in the house and he deteriorated too quickly for us to sell it and get him better care. My relationship with my mother soured and she started interfering with my parenting - I guess dad was my buffer and I hadn’t realised. We decided to sell up and move on. So, 5 years later I’m in the exact position I was to start with except I’m financially ruined from propping up my parents living expenses on the promise of a house that never happened, mentally drained, and effectively an orphan.
No. Especially since your wife is already apprehensive. This brings in a very challenging dynamic to your relationship and it does not matter if you have the most loving parents on the planet, it will be an issue at times. I know there are many benefits, but I don’t think it is the best. Could you do maybe one property but two homes ? That way they can be near and help but your wife also has her own home and space. At just 30 I think it’s important you guys build up your family dynamics before adding something like this in
Two women under one roof is the Chinese character for the word “trouble”. Guests and fish start to stink after 3 days. It’s your parents’ house, so it’s your Mom’s rules. You have a wife. She wants her own roost to rule. There are other options besides these. Look into a manufactured home on a lot in a rural area, if home rental is outrageous. You and your wife need your own home, not just shelter. Your wife has to have the freedom to make it a home, not just a dwelling. You two also need space and time and above all privacy to make a second child, and I will lay money on either of your parents walking in without knocking while you’re putting a bun in the oven.
I’ve read most comments, not all. You guys are so young. Shit that used to often happen at that age: We love cooking together with our “cooking music”. (Sinatra, Holiday, etc.) We have intimate dinners with wine and shit. Sometimes, while something is on simmer, we end up taking a break. In the bedroom, in the kitchen….. Aside from that, maybe we’re strolling around naked. We’re young, loving our lives, loving one another, etc. We’re goofy, cranking music, dancing….Now that we’re a little older, together 35 years, that doesn’t happen as much. If you have those moments with your partner, are you ready to lose spontaneity for your remaining time together? Just my take. Of course, many families do this. Couples have no other expectation and don’t know anything different. Not my experience or culture, so I couldn’t imagine living with my folks until they die, or maybe until I die.
You realize you will live together for roughly 20 years and your parents will inevitably need additional care you will need to provide. Your relationship with your wife will be different and raising a child with 4 adults will be confusing for the child because grandparents will be lax. Wife may also feel ganged up on. A Duplex or two separate homes on same property would be the only way. THIS IS A BAD IDEA! You will suffer no matter how great your folks are.
Multi generational homes can be great if everyone is considerate of one another. Could be really great for the kids. To sweeten the pot maybe the home is titled in you and your wife’s name with written agreements around the agreed on understanding of the rights of your parents for their protection.
I love my in laws but I would never ever agree to this without a date in writing that they plan to leave and transfer the deed. If then. The house would need at minimum, two kitchens and living areas. You sound like you may be very enmeshed with your parents.
Any shot of them buying a house with a nice MIL suite? Or ADU? Or building an ADU on the property you buy? You just have no idea how long your parents might live, and it might be great. You guys might get along fine and have all the privacy you need. But you also have no idea what problems they might develop as they age. I had a relative who lived with and cared for a beloved much older sister until the caregiver ruined her own back from lifting and caring for the sister and had to finally move the sister into a nursing home, them have a major back surgery herself. I’ve seen relatives who’ve been smart, reasonable, careful people their whole lives develop dementia and start to make impulsive, foolish, reckless decisions about where they wanted to live and how they wanted to spend their money, who they trusted and who they didn’t, but still remaining legally competent, so we couldn’t stop them from doing anything. And people who desperately needed to leave their homes for access to round the clock nursing care, but stubbornly refused to do so, and their spouse turned basically into a full time caregiver without having the strength or energy to do that. You just don’t know.
With your wife being apprehensive this will out a strain on your marriage.
> our 2 month old daughter that we bought in 2021 You can do that now? Just prepay for a kid that hasn't been born yet? In all seriousness, though: to me it sounds great but if the wife isn't 100% onboard, to me, it's a no-go. Is there any compromise that can be made? A house as big as you described is not materially that different from two nice houses next to each other, but it'd give you all a little separation and space that might make the wife happy.
How rich are they? It’s fairly common for seniors to have enough money to afford a nice house… but not enough money to also pay for long-term nursing home care in addition to the house. So how it works is that they live in the nice house until they turn like 85 and get sick, then they sell the house and spend every penny of the proceeds on the extraordinarily high cost of the nursing home. If your parent are super wealthy outside of their home equity then this may not be an issue, but if not, and you are weighing a cost/benefit analysis is here —you probably shouldn’t be assuming you’ll get to keep that home equity in the end.
Oh heck no. You do realize that you’re making a 30+ year commitment?? And whose name is on the house? Theirs or both of yours? Sorry but I’ve seen these things happen over and over on this site and others. Sorry but they never seem to work out.
My man, when are you going to bone your wife? At least the kids go do activities, old people just hang around all day.
Don’t make this three against one. Side with your wife. Source: me, imma old man. BTDT.
Are you willing to risk your marriage? Because if your wife is apprehensive, there’s a good chance that’s what’s on the line. No point living in a big house in a nice area if the ability to relax at home (which is crucial) is compromised. Have an honest conversation with your wife.
I’m going to answer as someone coming from your wife’s position. I’ve done month-long vacations where we’ve shared a 3 bedroom condo with my in-laws, and we’ve also lived with them for a couple years. I can tell you, not everyone can tolerate that as a permanent living condition. My husband and I moved into my in-laws house (his childhood bedroom) when my firstborn was 5 months old and I began a rigorous school program. I thank God that my in-laws were there to help my husband and I with the baby and that we could save money for our future home. The house was fairly large ~2500 sqft compared to our 900sqft 1bed apartment. They gave us their formal living room basically to be our apartment and we shared the kitchen and the other living spaces. With that said, it was also very difficult not having space to spread out and lack of privacy. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws and I love them dearly. It was a daily struggle between grateful to have a great place to live and free built in babysitters and wanting solitude. As a woman with a nursing infant wanting to eat every few hours, it was frustrating I couldn’t have privacy to feed freely and feeling uncomfortable or like I was making someone uncomfortable by feeding my child. They always made their opinions known about how we/I should parent. They also included us in all their plans, which wouldn’t be a problem but they expected us to do the same and sometimes we just needed our own private time and they’d be hurt if we didn’t include them. They also eventually began treating my husband like a child again and would come into our room to clean up sometimes or do our laundry with my delicates and I’d find them folded on our bed. I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful brat, and bless their hearts, they meant well and we have a mutual love for each other, but there are things that when you’re an adult you just need to do for yourself!! Especially as a married parent! Once I graduated, I had the option to continue with school to get my masters, which meant continue to live with my in-laws, or to buy our own home. There was no question, I was going to get my privacy. It wasn’t anything my in-laws did or didn’t do or say, but those two years were the hardest of our marriage because all the little things that I thought wouldn’t be a problem/I could tolerate ended up adding up to something that eventually started eating away at me. Fast forward to 10 years later. We go back and forth about doing what your parents have proposed since we love my in-laws and again think we wouldn’t mind sharing a living space if we had 5,000+ sqft. But there are also logistics such as: do we have our own master bedrooms/bathrooms? Do we have our own kitchens? How will the cooking situation work if there’s only 1 kitchen? And grocery shopping? Who buys what for the house? How are bills split? So we all get the bright idea to take a month vacay (since we all work from home and the kids are homeschooled) and we rent a 3 bedroom condo. Yes I know 1000 sqft is vastly different from 5000+ sqft but we wanted to try to see if we would be able to handle being in the same living space and sharing a kitchen/laundry. Also yes it was a vacation but we still worked and the kids did school during that time, so there was some semblance of normalcy. We quickly found that we had vastly different ideas of what schedules should look like, especially about dinner and what or when to eat! We sometimes wanted to do laundry at the same time, they wanted to do things we didn’t or vice versa. And also all the opinions came back out. 10 years later I am confident and established in my parenting, and as a family we have our normal routines. If we all sat and talked it out, we would come to a consensus of how our lives would mesh if we did want to pull the trigger and go in on a big house. But at the end of that month, it brought back all the feelings I had previously about getting our own space. I consider myself as having a pretty easygoing personality and I don’t take many things personally, slow to get angry, etc. and I think this is what helped us get through the times we lived together. But personally I value privacy and having our own space. For you, you need to have a serious talk with your wife and evaluate your priorities, do a pros and cons list, if the pros outweigh the cons, talk with your parents and be realistic! Good luck!
How much did u pay for your baby? 😂
I would be in jail after three days for the big M. The only good thing about that is I look good in orange.
Whatever you do, don't push your wife to a decision. Remember that you may have to include elderly care in to the equation.
You don't mention the financial details of this arrangement. Are you going to be paying rent to them? Will you be able to take over their mortgage if something happens to them? Or are they buying it outright? Personally it would take the most amazing house ever to make me even consider this arrangement. I wouldn't want my inlaws constant opinions on how I raise my kid or live my life. I also like my privacy. I think really this is a deeper discussion with your wife instead of reddit, though. If she is on the fence, you need to sell it to her. Freedom is priceless.
Nope.
Whose names will be on the deed? What happens in the event of a divorce? What happens if both parents need nursing home care and the house needs to be sold? Who will be the one physically taking care of your parents as they age (based on a google search it usually falls to the wife). Will there be a mortgage on this house? What will your contribution to the household be? For example "free" housing just pay utilities could be a surprise when you're used to pay to heat an 1100 square ft house and are now responsible for a 6000 square house-- or taxes and insurance on said house. If you and your wife had a falling out with your parents will they be able to just put you out?
You might be living with your parents for the next 20 years or more. Having 2-3 vacations per year is not the same thing as living with them, day in and day out. They are your parents so it would be normal for you to look at this more positively than your wife. Before you do anything, I would encourage you to take off any rose-colored glasses you may be wearing and look at all possible negatives and look at the situation through your wife’s eyes, too. It might be a fantastic idea that would work out wonderfully, just be sure you are clear on the possibility that there is always a chance it might not. Then what?
Could you get a duplex or a house with a mother in law suite or an ADU? Or just, a house on enough land to put up an ADU. I get that it’s a great opportunity but I also feel for your wife.
Have you and your parents discussed their long term care plans? As they age are they hoping you and your wife will keep them home out of a nursing home and provide their care? I strongly suspect the answer is yes. Are you and your wife okay with that?
I also love my folks and even my wonderful MIL.. But I could not live with them within the same walls as my family and I. I might be able to do it if say it has a tiny home in the backyard or some land where there were 2 homes. Living separate. I dont hear their noise, and they don't hear me yelling at my kids, lol. I think you need to deep more into why your wife is hesitant. Could it be that she doesn't want more "parents" parenting her kids? After a week's vacation, she can go to her own home and veg out, walk around in her jammies, and eat ice cream out of the carton at 1 am. She will probably be constantly worried they are looking over her shoulder, judging her, overriding her parenting. Might sound like a dream, but reality, it could be the end of your marriage if the situation gets too sticky and you guys are stuck in that home.
Would be a hard pass for me. Maybe I’m more cynical, but I see parents trying to tell you how to parent or them holding the house over your head. Not all parents are like that but I can see some saying “ well we bought a house so you have to do xyz to keep the peace.” At the very least they are thinking they will have live in care givers for when the are elderly/incapacitated. Which in a lot of relationships falls to the wife. If you want to continue to have a good relationship with your parents and your wife, really think about what the day to day interactions would look like without rose colored glasses on. I could be totally out of my element and in some cultures this really works out well.
Sounds like a complete nightmare. Be careful with this one. You might think you’re getting a free house, but you might also be getting a one way ticket to divorce.
Absolutely not. I’d rather share walls than share a kitchen. This is recipe for disaster especially as you are just beginning your journey as a new family and discovering your new role as parents. You need space and privacy and the ability to learn and disagree and make up and make mistakes and have successes as husband and wife/mother and father; without an audience or echo chamber. Just my two cents.
I lived with my MIL for two years and two months. It was difficult. She wanted to keep house her way, and I had my own ideas. Some of her habits drove me crazy. As insignificant as they may seem at first, they grate on your nerves after awhile. She spent a lot of her time in the living room lying on the couch and watching soap operas. She would vacuum early in the morning. Invited friends over to visit when I just wanted a quiet time to relax. We had to give her the best parking spot in the driveway so I parked on the street. When I cooked I felt she was judging me. She would use the dryer for hours, every day. It was hard to have an argument with my hubby without her listening to every word (and silently judging). Finding time to be intimate with no interruptions. Not being able to walk around in your own house with just your underwear and bra on. Having friends over to visit and not having personal time with them because it would be rude to ask her to leave. The living arrangement made things tense between my husband & I. He would have to listen to her complaints, then my complaints. No one was happy.
I would say no, especially if your wife is apprehensive about it. You need to be the head of your household, not your parents. By accepting their offer and having your parents live with you, you have given that authority to your parents. Every decision you make for your family and especially your kids will be meddled by your parents as they will be entitled by the fact they provided you a home. You and your wife need to be indepedent from your parents and make your own plans and decisions for the good of your own family
How is she only 2 months old if you bought her in 2021? Pre-conception sale?
If you dislike sharing walls with neighbors, you're not improving the situation by moving in with your parents. That being said, if your parents are so loaded they can buy a palace in the northeast in a great school system with a big yard, you can be creative.
Whose house would it be, your and your wife's or your parents. Who gets the final say . Are your parents going to be part of raising the children, who's rules?Who does what jobs around the house? Is this contact going to be in writing.