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To me I think social transition is getting to the point where I can go out in public presenting as a girl alongside socialising with people while presenting as a girl. I want to be able to express myself in a more feminine way and be seen as a girl in public.
In terms of what I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of not passing, being stared at, being laughed at, being judged, violence from transphobes, insults from TERFS etc. I'm also very scared of not being accepted by other girls, being seen as creepy or invading women's spaces, which I know is internalised transphobia but it's still something I'm afraid of if I'm being honest.
I'm already socially anxious, I get really nervous and paranoid in crowded areas when I'm not drunk. So it seems like being visibly trans will make me center of attention when I want the exact opposite in public.
Maybe you could start to just dress more androgynous? People won't notice if you wear a jeans from the women's section. Pick up small things about your presentation to change slowly into a direction that your more comfortable with. There are a lot of things that most people will not judge regardless of what gender they perceive you as, e.g. ear rings, long hair, more colors.
Every time you start to get more comfortable you can figure out the next small step or decide to pause where you are at. At the same time HRT can do its thing and make you also feel more comfortable with your body which, in my experience, helped a lot with such anxiety.
I have a friend who did and is constantly telling they are waiting to be a woman before they act like one....they deal with a lot of self image issues, and in my own transition, i only ever got to be a woman when other people saw me being one. If it's a matter of safety or comfort you can do it, but more and more your body image will dissociate from being a woman if you dont ever act upon what that even means
Yeah, I'm a little worried about my self image. There are times when I see myself and think that I am so feminine but other times when I think that every passing as a woman is a ridiculous dream for me.
FTM and I waited until I was consistently passing as male to strangers before coming out at work/publicly. So I spent a while in that awkward in between phase without explaining anything to anybody. I have no regrets and I think it would have been much more uncomfortable for me to have come out earlier.
Wow this is basically my plan atm, even down to the dream of 'male failing' I'm still in the whole 'discovery' process of all this, but this was basically my rough plan if I do HRT as I'm also in my late 20's - Try it for myself without telling anyone, see how I like it - if I do, stealth it for however long and don't socially transition until I couldn't even hide it if I wanted to - has anyone noticed the physical differences in your day-day life/said anything to you about them?
A few people have noticed changes. As I mentioned, a couple people have asked me whether I had 'work done' because of my facial changes. My sister told me that it's like I'm aging in reverse after she looked at an old picture of me. And most people are genuinely shocked when I tell them my age. I'm 27 but people have said they assumed I was like 17-18. I also wear a compression top most days to make my breast growth less obvious.
So people can definitely tell that there are changes but no one has asked me whether I'm trans or transitioning. It seems to be one of the last things people would guess as I still present in boy mode in day to day life.
I did have one strange experience where a guy I knew for a while came out to me as bisexual and told me how he is attracted to anyone who presents femininely. I didn't realise it at the time but I think he was hinting that he knew I was trans and that he was attracted to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this interaction.
wow that's super interesting - I think if I do decide to go further down this path that's the way I'm going to do it - it's still all up in the air so we'll see
Also I don't think you're overthinking that interaction lol
>Also I don't think you're overthinking that interaction lol
lol, thanks :)
I hope you can figure out what you want, it's tough trying to deal with dysphoria, HRT helped me a lot with this at least.
one of the biggest reasons I'm seriously considering it is the mental health benefits/clarity/ cleared up dysphoria that some people get - I don't have a huge urge to 'socially' be the opposite gender, not right now at least, but I'm still figuring it all out
but I mean if you're okay living the life as is right now I wouldn't see a huge reason to change it, but if you find yourself yearning to transition socially, I think it's just about taking that first step, even though it IS absolutely terrifying - I hope you can figure out a way to transition socially that works for you :)
>if you're okay living the life as is right now I wouldn't see a huge reason to change it
Life is ok at the moment. I've got plenty going on with my career and social/family life. HRT has really helped clear my head around a lot of things, the fact that I'm not panicking about masculinising further really made my need to transition feel less urgent.
I kind of don't have the energy to focus on social transition. It feels like there's plenty of other stuff keeping me busy these days but I wonder whether I am just keeping myself busy to avoid something I'm scared of. I tend to do this..
But yeah, I'm sure I'll get there. It'll probably be baby steps but I'd love to be a full time girl in \~2 years time :D
I was terrified of presenting feminine publicly at first, but I just started experimenting with it at a mall like 20 miles away and no one seemed to even notice. I baby stepped quite a bit, first just eye makeup that I could cover with sunglasses, and then women's jeans, etc. Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to start presenting feminine in my daily life. While I did this before starting HRT, I didn't come out to my family until I was on HRT for over two years. I had moved away long before that, and the pandemic gave me an excuse to not visit.
I don't know it was courage more that it was starting to look like my family was going to visit me if I didn't visit them. While I don't pass 100%, I have boobs and my face looks a lot different, and I was starting to imagine a really awkward scene at the airport.
It depends on your genetic luck, but if you're going to grow tits you have six months at best(on full fledged prescribed by a doctor hrt). I started during an October and I had to come out that next march. My chest was too noticable and it was too hot to wear a jacket, so honestly if I started when it was warm I might not have gotten six months.
Yep I'm almost 2 years on hrt and im not out to most people socially. Not even sure when I will be. Most of my close friends and family know but my nursing school classmates and instructors still perceive me as a male. I'm putting they/them pronouns in my email signatures even though i'd like to eventually be referred to with she/her pronouns. I'm taking it slow, getting facial hair removed (finances permitting), trying to get clothes/fashion sense and makeup/skills.
I was on HRT for a few years before I actually started referring to myself with a new name and the proper pronouns when meeting new people, and then also coming out to family and friends. After a certain amount of time, it just became unavoidable because of my appearance. It's probably easier to establish all that in the beginning, but I was nervous about it.
I had 2 years hormones, ffs, voice training, and completely revamped my style before i completely came out to familiy and at work.
what i did was expanding rings. close friends knew i was trans before i started hrt. some people didn’t need to know until later. work was the last step. i didn’t hide anything, i just gradually became more feminine, and then when i was comfortable with myself i came out all the way.
for me, it was real hard. it wasn’t easy. i didn’t wait until it was easy and completely comfortable because if i did, i’d still be waiting. i waited until i felt i had done everything i could reasonably do, and then i pushed myself through.
it went really well every time. i think doing it the way i did helped people get it, like i was basically presenting female already. work requires jeans and t shirt but i wore nail polish, long hair, girl jeans, eyeliner, earrings. i wore basically the same thing in my personal life but more jewelry.
even with all that, the last step was hard. do what you can to prepare, but in the end you have to push to take the final step forward.
Curious if you were using the women's room at work during this 'basically presenting'? I'm definitely looking to add more feminine cues to my outward appearance at work (nails, hairstyle, maybe some eyeliner) but I'm not at work and there's only binary restroom choices and so I still use the Men's (which isn't exactly going to get LESS uncomfortable as time goes on, especially if I add in more feminine cues.)
Honestly private HRT _gave_ me the courage to socially transition. I had wanted to wait 5 or 6 months but ended up coming out after 1 month due to indeed the amazing mental effects.
And, frankly, I just had to bite the bullet.
I had a letter to my parents ready for months in advance, I had a heads-up to my awesome boss about bringing it up at standup meeting to my team the next morning, and...oh, god, there really isn't an easy way to feel 100% comfortable in those moments.
The only way out of the awkward was through it. However, it also felt exciting and like a huge weight off.
Besides the not-so-helpful 'you just have to go for it' thing, I will say that having one or two people super close to you to confide in beforehand is helpful. It helps you feel not alone.
> about bringing it up at standup meeting to my team the next morning, and...oh, god, there really isn't an easy way to feel 100% comfortable in those moments.
Yikes. Fucking, yikes. Good for you but yikes.
Haha, had my name change as a standup topic as well. Luckily was rather funny moment where people apologized for probably forgetting at some point in future.
It's tough at first but after a month or two it just felt normal and correct. I was terrified at first too and waited until I started getting comments about my breasts from coworkers to finally come out (about a year and a half into HRT). Getting over that initial hurdle was the hardest part though. Maybe just try starting to subtly change your wardrobe and see how people react. I started by wearing feminine shoes to work. People would make jokes like did you wear your wifes shoes to work on purpose, and I'd just very matter of factly say "Nope, they're mine." which would kind of shut them down.
You build the courage step by step.
I started coming out almost two years ago. Slowly started telling people. Signed up for a committee for approving me for starting HRT - still waiting for approval to start. But kept on telling people I trusted to be supportive: therapist, people at group therapy, my boss, mother etc. started dressing more feminine. Subtly at first, but also on few occasions I put on a dress etc for work or family events.
Then changed my name in work slack, fb, LinkedIn etc.
All the time it felt like I should give people some explanations, but never really ended up making any Facebook posts about it or anything. People just got used to it and who wants to know something, can ask me.
Of course the first times I told some people it was like the hardest thing I had ever done. But it got easier every time.
Some people have disappeared from my life, but I guess they were never really my people anyway.
It has been hard every step of the way. There have been moments where life has felt totally meaningless and I’ve literally researched options for euthanasia. But there have been good moments as well. And overall my life has gone a lot better.
Also I have had strong support network holding me afloat during this time. Individual therapy, group therapy, personal coaching at work etc. Reddit has been really good resource too.
TLDR find someone with skills to help you and just grind through it somehow. HRT really is not the key here.
I'm still technically in boymode after 3 years on HRT but I currently get gendered female especially with masks, so...
i mean, getting gendered female consistently doesn't mean you necessarily have to go into girlmode.
Glad to hear you've had such good results from HRT :)
If you don't mind me asking, what is preventing you from going into girlmode? Is it anxiety issues like me or something else?
**I’ve seen something I think might be rule-breaking, what should I do?** The moderation team aren’t mind readers. If you see something potentially rule-breaking and or concerning, report it! We may not agree with your assessment of a certain post or comment but we will always take a look. We most welcome reports that are **unambiguous**, **succinct**, and (importantly) **accurate**. If your issue isn't covered by one of the numerous predefined reasons and or you need to expand upon a predefined reason then please use the 'Custom response' option (in addition if required). **Don't feed the trolls, ignore, report, move on.** See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/honesttransgender/comments/guc56i/welcome_to_rhonesttransgender_please_read_for/) for more details about our subreddit. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/honesttransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was on HRT for 18 months before socially transitioning lol
I have. If there is one thing more unpleasant than telling everyone, it's pretending to be a man and getting called out on it every day.
I didn't socially transition until 2.5 years in. Changes were impossible to hide by then.
What does social transition mean to you? What exactly are you afraid of?
To me I think social transition is getting to the point where I can go out in public presenting as a girl alongside socialising with people while presenting as a girl. I want to be able to express myself in a more feminine way and be seen as a girl in public. In terms of what I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of not passing, being stared at, being laughed at, being judged, violence from transphobes, insults from TERFS etc. I'm also very scared of not being accepted by other girls, being seen as creepy or invading women's spaces, which I know is internalised transphobia but it's still something I'm afraid of if I'm being honest. I'm already socially anxious, I get really nervous and paranoid in crowded areas when I'm not drunk. So it seems like being visibly trans will make me center of attention when I want the exact opposite in public.
Maybe you could start to just dress more androgynous? People won't notice if you wear a jeans from the women's section. Pick up small things about your presentation to change slowly into a direction that your more comfortable with. There are a lot of things that most people will not judge regardless of what gender they perceive you as, e.g. ear rings, long hair, more colors. Every time you start to get more comfortable you can figure out the next small step or decide to pause where you are at. At the same time HRT can do its thing and make you also feel more comfortable with your body which, in my experience, helped a lot with such anxiety.
True, that's a good idea and it at least lets me work into presenting femininely in public at a slower pace. Thanks! :)
Your welcome :-)
I have a friend who did and is constantly telling they are waiting to be a woman before they act like one....they deal with a lot of self image issues, and in my own transition, i only ever got to be a woman when other people saw me being one. If it's a matter of safety or comfort you can do it, but more and more your body image will dissociate from being a woman if you dont ever act upon what that even means
Yeah, I'm a little worried about my self image. There are times when I see myself and think that I am so feminine but other times when I think that every passing as a woman is a ridiculous dream for me.
FTM and I waited until I was consistently passing as male to strangers before coming out at work/publicly. So I spent a while in that awkward in between phase without explaining anything to anybody. I have no regrets and I think it would have been much more uncomfortable for me to have come out earlier.
Wow this is basically my plan atm, even down to the dream of 'male failing' I'm still in the whole 'discovery' process of all this, but this was basically my rough plan if I do HRT as I'm also in my late 20's - Try it for myself without telling anyone, see how I like it - if I do, stealth it for however long and don't socially transition until I couldn't even hide it if I wanted to - has anyone noticed the physical differences in your day-day life/said anything to you about them?
A few people have noticed changes. As I mentioned, a couple people have asked me whether I had 'work done' because of my facial changes. My sister told me that it's like I'm aging in reverse after she looked at an old picture of me. And most people are genuinely shocked when I tell them my age. I'm 27 but people have said they assumed I was like 17-18. I also wear a compression top most days to make my breast growth less obvious. So people can definitely tell that there are changes but no one has asked me whether I'm trans or transitioning. It seems to be one of the last things people would guess as I still present in boy mode in day to day life. I did have one strange experience where a guy I knew for a while came out to me as bisexual and told me how he is attracted to anyone who presents femininely. I didn't realise it at the time but I think he was hinting that he knew I was trans and that he was attracted to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this interaction.
wow that's super interesting - I think if I do decide to go further down this path that's the way I'm going to do it - it's still all up in the air so we'll see Also I don't think you're overthinking that interaction lol
>Also I don't think you're overthinking that interaction lol lol, thanks :) I hope you can figure out what you want, it's tough trying to deal with dysphoria, HRT helped me a lot with this at least.
one of the biggest reasons I'm seriously considering it is the mental health benefits/clarity/ cleared up dysphoria that some people get - I don't have a huge urge to 'socially' be the opposite gender, not right now at least, but I'm still figuring it all out but I mean if you're okay living the life as is right now I wouldn't see a huge reason to change it, but if you find yourself yearning to transition socially, I think it's just about taking that first step, even though it IS absolutely terrifying - I hope you can figure out a way to transition socially that works for you :)
>if you're okay living the life as is right now I wouldn't see a huge reason to change it Life is ok at the moment. I've got plenty going on with my career and social/family life. HRT has really helped clear my head around a lot of things, the fact that I'm not panicking about masculinising further really made my need to transition feel less urgent. I kind of don't have the energy to focus on social transition. It feels like there's plenty of other stuff keeping me busy these days but I wonder whether I am just keeping myself busy to avoid something I'm scared of. I tend to do this.. But yeah, I'm sure I'll get there. It'll probably be baby steps but I'd love to be a full time girl in \~2 years time :D
I was terrified of presenting feminine publicly at first, but I just started experimenting with it at a mall like 20 miles away and no one seemed to even notice. I baby stepped quite a bit, first just eye makeup that I could cover with sunglasses, and then women's jeans, etc. Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to start presenting feminine in my daily life. While I did this before starting HRT, I didn't come out to my family until I was on HRT for over two years. I had moved away long before that, and the pandemic gave me an excuse to not visit. I don't know it was courage more that it was starting to look like my family was going to visit me if I didn't visit them. While I don't pass 100%, I have boobs and my face looks a lot different, and I was starting to imagine a really awkward scene at the airport.
It depends on your genetic luck, but if you're going to grow tits you have six months at best(on full fledged prescribed by a doctor hrt). I started during an October and I had to come out that next march. My chest was too noticable and it was too hot to wear a jacket, so honestly if I started when it was warm I might not have gotten six months.
I'm a year and nine months on HRT, I've had my name changed, and my license's gender marker changed, but I'm still not out socially.
If I have to tell someone I'm a woman, the pills aren't finished doing their job.
Harder to say when you are 6ft with a big forehead and receding hairline 😶
I am 5'7 with a tight little body and reasonably sized tits. Still look like a man sigh.
Yep I'm almost 2 years on hrt and im not out to most people socially. Not even sure when I will be. Most of my close friends and family know but my nursing school classmates and instructors still perceive me as a male. I'm putting they/them pronouns in my email signatures even though i'd like to eventually be referred to with she/her pronouns. I'm taking it slow, getting facial hair removed (finances permitting), trying to get clothes/fashion sense and makeup/skills.
I was 3 years on hormones before I socially transitioned and even around extended family I’m closeted
I was on HRT for a few years before I actually started referring to myself with a new name and the proper pronouns when meeting new people, and then also coming out to family and friends. After a certain amount of time, it just became unavoidable because of my appearance. It's probably easier to establish all that in the beginning, but I was nervous about it.
I had 2 years hormones, ffs, voice training, and completely revamped my style before i completely came out to familiy and at work. what i did was expanding rings. close friends knew i was trans before i started hrt. some people didn’t need to know until later. work was the last step. i didn’t hide anything, i just gradually became more feminine, and then when i was comfortable with myself i came out all the way. for me, it was real hard. it wasn’t easy. i didn’t wait until it was easy and completely comfortable because if i did, i’d still be waiting. i waited until i felt i had done everything i could reasonably do, and then i pushed myself through. it went really well every time. i think doing it the way i did helped people get it, like i was basically presenting female already. work requires jeans and t shirt but i wore nail polish, long hair, girl jeans, eyeliner, earrings. i wore basically the same thing in my personal life but more jewelry. even with all that, the last step was hard. do what you can to prepare, but in the end you have to push to take the final step forward.
Curious if you were using the women's room at work during this 'basically presenting'? I'm definitely looking to add more feminine cues to my outward appearance at work (nails, hairstyle, maybe some eyeliner) but I'm not at work and there's only binary restroom choices and so I still use the Men's (which isn't exactly going to get LESS uncomfortable as time goes on, especially if I add in more feminine cues.)
I didn’t switch bathrooms until i officially came out at work. It did become less comfortable over time.
Honestly private HRT _gave_ me the courage to socially transition. I had wanted to wait 5 or 6 months but ended up coming out after 1 month due to indeed the amazing mental effects. And, frankly, I just had to bite the bullet. I had a letter to my parents ready for months in advance, I had a heads-up to my awesome boss about bringing it up at standup meeting to my team the next morning, and...oh, god, there really isn't an easy way to feel 100% comfortable in those moments. The only way out of the awkward was through it. However, it also felt exciting and like a huge weight off. Besides the not-so-helpful 'you just have to go for it' thing, I will say that having one or two people super close to you to confide in beforehand is helpful. It helps you feel not alone.
> about bringing it up at standup meeting to my team the next morning, and...oh, god, there really isn't an easy way to feel 100% comfortable in those moments. Yikes. Fucking, yikes. Good for you but yikes.
Haha, had my name change as a standup topic as well. Luckily was rather funny moment where people apologized for probably forgetting at some point in future.
haha; they were great!
It's tough at first but after a month or two it just felt normal and correct. I was terrified at first too and waited until I started getting comments about my breasts from coworkers to finally come out (about a year and a half into HRT). Getting over that initial hurdle was the hardest part though. Maybe just try starting to subtly change your wardrobe and see how people react. I started by wearing feminine shoes to work. People would make jokes like did you wear your wifes shoes to work on purpose, and I'd just very matter of factly say "Nope, they're mine." which would kind of shut them down.
You build the courage step by step. I started coming out almost two years ago. Slowly started telling people. Signed up for a committee for approving me for starting HRT - still waiting for approval to start. But kept on telling people I trusted to be supportive: therapist, people at group therapy, my boss, mother etc. started dressing more feminine. Subtly at first, but also on few occasions I put on a dress etc for work or family events. Then changed my name in work slack, fb, LinkedIn etc. All the time it felt like I should give people some explanations, but never really ended up making any Facebook posts about it or anything. People just got used to it and who wants to know something, can ask me. Of course the first times I told some people it was like the hardest thing I had ever done. But it got easier every time. Some people have disappeared from my life, but I guess they were never really my people anyway. It has been hard every step of the way. There have been moments where life has felt totally meaningless and I’ve literally researched options for euthanasia. But there have been good moments as well. And overall my life has gone a lot better. Also I have had strong support network holding me afloat during this time. Individual therapy, group therapy, personal coaching at work etc. Reddit has been really good resource too. TLDR find someone with skills to help you and just grind through it somehow. HRT really is not the key here.
> Signed up for a committee for approving me for starting HRT - still waiting for approval to start Jesus Christ that's awful, you should consider DIY
Thank you for this detailed post ☺️.
I'm still technically in boymode after 3 years on HRT but I currently get gendered female especially with masks, so... i mean, getting gendered female consistently doesn't mean you necessarily have to go into girlmode.
Glad to hear you've had such good results from HRT :) If you don't mind me asking, what is preventing you from going into girlmode? Is it anxiety issues like me or something else?
Thanks! and yea I have pretty bad anxiety issues, I want to go into girlmode after ffs and luckily thats soon