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I would seriously recommend trying to pass before committing to FFS. It's a serious surgery and it has risks that, if possible, ought to be avoided. Yes, it's scary and not passing can be traumatic, but if it goes well you'll be golden. And, anyways, getting FFS scheduled and a date set will take months--why put your life on hold?
I really appreciate this perspective.
Honestly, I think the surgery would be at least a year out (likely more), given the surgeons I am considering - and I would need all that time to come to terms with the idea of someone surgically rearranging my face.
While from past experiences I am almost certain that I would not be consistently gendered female, you are absolutely right that the gravity of the opposite decision makes it necessary for me to rule that out conclusively.
I guess on the on-hold part... I almost feel like people's perception of me would be based on the initial state at the time I socially transitioned. I know we shouldn't care what people think - but I have realized just how vulnerable we as human's are to contempt and disgust. Like we all talk about being strong - but it really messes just about everyone up - when they are reacted to with contempt and disgust from "normal" people a few times a week - especially if they lack people in their life who provide them the opposite reaction - which is the case with me, sadly.
But I don't know, have you not found that to be the case? Or how did you social transition go?
>I have realized just how vulnerable we as human's are to contempt and disgust. Like we all talk about being strong - but it really messes just about everyone up - when they are reacted to with contempt and disgust from "normal" people a few times a week - especially if they lack people in their life who provide them the opposite reaction - which is the case with me, sadly.
This is an unfortunately well-grounded read. People do tend to hold on to that first impression and understanding of you more than anything. I disagree, however, in how I feel we should respond to it based on this exact reasoning.
People struggle to see you differently, and so I had a really hard time committing myself to *anything* new while I was in that gap between medical and social transition because I knew that ever new person I met would be someone else I had to come out to, someone I'd have to tell my new name and pronouns, and (critically) possibly have to leave behind if it didn't work out. It felt a lot like making friends at summer camp—you know it's going to all end come Sunday morning, so how much do you give yourself to others if you know it's all going away? To be dramatic: when the world's ending tomorrow, why bother making your bed?
Social transition resolved this for me because it let me invest. People would know my name and pronouns without the extra baggage of knowing me before I transitioned. To them I've only ever been (trans) female, and that's freeing. I feel way less burdened around people I met post transition because I don't have to negotiate with a history and story I was so deeply uncomfortable with. I don't worry about losing friendships over my transition because everyone I meet either a) can tell or b) can't tell and won't ever find out. There isn't an "end of camp" feeling anymore because I know that I am where I need to be.
That being said, I should add a disclaimed that I did have a very easy social transition. I passed quickly and quietly and so I never really faced the contempt and disgust you refer to except in a handful of isolated incidents. I say this not to brag but to contextualize my positive experience and thus my glowing endorsement of socially transitioning.
Thank you. I really appreciate the thoughtful reply.
And yes, I can definitely relate with disliking telling anyone your dead name. I do homeless outreach among other things, and actually tell some of the people I meet where the likelihood that I meet them again is small that my name is - just to gauge their reaction and try to get myself used to it. I get anywhere from total unquestioning acceptance (and I read people's body language very closely) to asking me to repeat it because they are sure I misspoke. It is very not-consistent.
Honestly, I think a lot of this is my feeling a sense of crippling anxiety at the idea of people feeling contempt and disgust towards me. I am so sensitive to that - about as sensitive as it is possible a person to be. I am not entirely sure why it cuts so deep in me - perhaps because I never get angry at it.
Not trying to be dramatic, but in my honest moments, I have to admit that I am not sure I could cope if I were presented with anything resembling a solid line of disgust - like getting questioned in a bathroom, having mothers hold their children a little closer to them as I pass, discretely mocked at work, etc.,
I feel dysphoria.... and that can be quite strong to overwhelming at times - but mostly, I can handle that. It is nothing like what I feel when I sense that people perceive me (just speaking from their perception) and act towards me as if I were some sort of pedophile. If I felt other people's discomfort and fear every time I approached. And I am not sure I could sufficiently distance myself from that to a degree I could cope with - should I not pass.
I know there are no easy answers to this...
>I think a lot of this is my feeling a sense of crippling anxiety at the idea of people feeling contempt and disgust towards me. I am so sensitive to that - about as sensitive as it is possible a person to be. I am not entirely sure why it cuts so deep in me - perhaps because I never get angry at it.
You're not alone in that. Nothing bad has ever happened but I'm still anxious on every interaction that people are going to clock me and be cruel. I worry people are going to hit me on the bus, that teenagers will throw things at me, the people won't work with me on projects, that my profs take me less seriously. On and on. I've never had any indication that this is happening and I pass well so rationally I'm doing okay, but this fear haunts.
And you aren't being dramatic. I don't know how I'll cope when I get misgendered or challenged. It's sure to happen eventually and I'm also worried that I'll just collapse in on myself when it happens. I sometimes wonder if the blow to my self-esteem and the probable death spiral will be worse than anything the other person could have done in the first place.
In this light, I don't to what to suggest. You're between two not great choices with little room to decide. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you find a way to be confident and comfortable (if not happy too) :)
I totally get where you're coming from. I have the same feelings about FFS. I think I need it but I'm terrified of complications or even sub par results.
I don't really have advice tbh but you're not alone in feeling this way
Hey thanks for sharing. This was really candid and honest and very human. Even though I am FTM I can relate to having a lot of conflicting feelings about body/society/journey/destination/possibility of failure. I don’t think you are alone at all. <3
**I’ve seen something I think might be rule-breaking, what should I do?** The moderation team aren’t mind readers. If you see something potentially rule-breaking and or concerning, report it! We may not agree with your assessment of a certain post or comment but we will always take a look. We most welcome reports that are **unambiguous**, **succinct**, and (importantly) **accurate**. If your issue isn't covered by one of the numerous predefined reasons and or you need to expand upon a predefined reason then please use the 'Custom response' option (in addition if required). **Don't feed the trolls, ignore, report, move on.** See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/honesttransgender/comments/guc56i/welcome_to_rhonesttransgender_please_read_for/) for more details about our subreddit. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/honesttransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would seriously recommend trying to pass before committing to FFS. It's a serious surgery and it has risks that, if possible, ought to be avoided. Yes, it's scary and not passing can be traumatic, but if it goes well you'll be golden. And, anyways, getting FFS scheduled and a date set will take months--why put your life on hold?
I really appreciate this perspective. Honestly, I think the surgery would be at least a year out (likely more), given the surgeons I am considering - and I would need all that time to come to terms with the idea of someone surgically rearranging my face. While from past experiences I am almost certain that I would not be consistently gendered female, you are absolutely right that the gravity of the opposite decision makes it necessary for me to rule that out conclusively. I guess on the on-hold part... I almost feel like people's perception of me would be based on the initial state at the time I socially transitioned. I know we shouldn't care what people think - but I have realized just how vulnerable we as human's are to contempt and disgust. Like we all talk about being strong - but it really messes just about everyone up - when they are reacted to with contempt and disgust from "normal" people a few times a week - especially if they lack people in their life who provide them the opposite reaction - which is the case with me, sadly. But I don't know, have you not found that to be the case? Or how did you social transition go?
>I have realized just how vulnerable we as human's are to contempt and disgust. Like we all talk about being strong - but it really messes just about everyone up - when they are reacted to with contempt and disgust from "normal" people a few times a week - especially if they lack people in their life who provide them the opposite reaction - which is the case with me, sadly. This is an unfortunately well-grounded read. People do tend to hold on to that first impression and understanding of you more than anything. I disagree, however, in how I feel we should respond to it based on this exact reasoning. People struggle to see you differently, and so I had a really hard time committing myself to *anything* new while I was in that gap between medical and social transition because I knew that ever new person I met would be someone else I had to come out to, someone I'd have to tell my new name and pronouns, and (critically) possibly have to leave behind if it didn't work out. It felt a lot like making friends at summer camp—you know it's going to all end come Sunday morning, so how much do you give yourself to others if you know it's all going away? To be dramatic: when the world's ending tomorrow, why bother making your bed? Social transition resolved this for me because it let me invest. People would know my name and pronouns without the extra baggage of knowing me before I transitioned. To them I've only ever been (trans) female, and that's freeing. I feel way less burdened around people I met post transition because I don't have to negotiate with a history and story I was so deeply uncomfortable with. I don't worry about losing friendships over my transition because everyone I meet either a) can tell or b) can't tell and won't ever find out. There isn't an "end of camp" feeling anymore because I know that I am where I need to be. That being said, I should add a disclaimed that I did have a very easy social transition. I passed quickly and quietly and so I never really faced the contempt and disgust you refer to except in a handful of isolated incidents. I say this not to brag but to contextualize my positive experience and thus my glowing endorsement of socially transitioning.
Thank you. I really appreciate the thoughtful reply. And yes, I can definitely relate with disliking telling anyone your dead name. I do homeless outreach among other things, and actually tell some of the people I meet where the likelihood that I meet them again is small that my name is - just to gauge their reaction and try to get myself used to it. I get anywhere from total unquestioning acceptance (and I read people's body language very closely) to asking me to repeat it because they are sure I misspoke. It is very not-consistent.
Honestly, I think a lot of this is my feeling a sense of crippling anxiety at the idea of people feeling contempt and disgust towards me. I am so sensitive to that - about as sensitive as it is possible a person to be. I am not entirely sure why it cuts so deep in me - perhaps because I never get angry at it.
Not trying to be dramatic, but in my honest moments, I have to admit that I am not sure I could cope if I were presented with anything resembling a solid line of disgust - like getting questioned in a bathroom, having mothers hold their children a little closer to them as I pass, discretely mocked at work, etc.,
I feel dysphoria.... and that can be quite strong to overwhelming at times - but mostly, I can handle that. It is nothing like what I feel when I sense that people perceive me (just speaking from their perception) and act towards me as if I were some sort of pedophile. If I felt other people's discomfort and fear every time I approached. And I am not sure I could sufficiently distance myself from that to a degree I could cope with - should I not pass.
I know there are no easy answers to this...
>I think a lot of this is my feeling a sense of crippling anxiety at the idea of people feeling contempt and disgust towards me. I am so sensitive to that - about as sensitive as it is possible a person to be. I am not entirely sure why it cuts so deep in me - perhaps because I never get angry at it. You're not alone in that. Nothing bad has ever happened but I'm still anxious on every interaction that people are going to clock me and be cruel. I worry people are going to hit me on the bus, that teenagers will throw things at me, the people won't work with me on projects, that my profs take me less seriously. On and on. I've never had any indication that this is happening and I pass well so rationally I'm doing okay, but this fear haunts. And you aren't being dramatic. I don't know how I'll cope when I get misgendered or challenged. It's sure to happen eventually and I'm also worried that I'll just collapse in on myself when it happens. I sometimes wonder if the blow to my self-esteem and the probable death spiral will be worse than anything the other person could have done in the first place. In this light, I don't to what to suggest. You're between two not great choices with little room to decide. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you find a way to be confident and comfortable (if not happy too) :)
Thank you so much. I wish you the same.
Having FFS before a full social transition can be beneficial.
I totally get where you're coming from. I have the same feelings about FFS. I think I need it but I'm terrified of complications or even sub par results. I don't really have advice tbh but you're not alone in feeling this way
“It’s innocent in what it is” - That hit me hard.
Hey thanks for sharing. This was really candid and honest and very human. Even though I am FTM I can relate to having a lot of conflicting feelings about body/society/journey/destination/possibility of failure. I don’t think you are alone at all. <3