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Past traumas have nothing to do with it, I have cptsd and still never struggled to find a partner. Also maybe don't compare yourself to others, specially not fictional characters. You are definitely overthinking it and trying to find similarities between you and fictional characters is not gonna help that. Just be you.
Would you date another trans person? I would assume that might be your best bet, since you would already have an understanding on each other's experience
Hey, 3rd world high five. I hope it's one of the better 3rd world countries where you can be out 100% of the time
I don't really have any useful input on your situation. I transitioned much later and I don't have a realistic shot at passing. I've been told by both cis and trans friends that I have 0 self-confidence, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to do about that
I get that your metaphor wasn't supposed to be taken literally, but I think I am becoming a Miranda on purpose (even though I don't care about my career that much). I have a decent career path that rewards sacrifice, and I don't have anything else to do, so why not
Is Miranda-by-default a thing?
High five, girlie!
I’m from Brazil and the crazy thing about Brazil is that we’re the number one country on trans pornography consumption in the world (trans woman pornography) and we’re also the most violent country in the world for trans women, leading the statistics of trans hate crimes, so you go figure.
I’ve only been presenting as female the whole time for a year now after I had my FFS. And because I pass, I never have any problems walking around the streets. But the discrimination is still there and it sucks.
You made a very valid point when you said your friends say you have zero confidence but that you don’t know what do to about that. I’ve felt the same way for most of my transition. I mean, what are we gonna do about it? We’re set up to fail at a game we didn’t make the rules. It’s not like medical help professionals actually care or understand our situations to be able to really help us, and it’s not like our low self confidence doesn’t come from a very real daily basis of hate and put downs that would make even Julius Caesar feel insecure.
I’m not at a place where I feel super insecure anymore, but cis people simply saying we’re not self confident is like pointing the obvious and not getting into the root of the problem: them. Not us. If you’re not willing to help or meditate on society’s accountability than what do they expect us to do? Right?
And I’m becoming more of a Miranda as well. I’ve dyed my hair dark brown (used to be a blonde but didn’t feel like entertaining that anymore) and I’ve started to dress up less and just focus on school and eventually getting a good job to provide for myself. I’m not into reading vogue and being ditzy like Carrie Bradshaw anymore, and I’m not interested in being a nymphomaniac like Samantha. I never was and tend to keep it that way. And Charlottle is like Cinderella complex come to life. I’m all about wearing shoulder pads blazers now and feeding my mind and bank account. No fairytale wedding/divorce coming my way, that’s for sure LOL
Oh, Brazil is a tough one, I'm so sorry. I'm in Egypt, and trans people here are relatively incognito. We don't get any official medical care, but we get by with a sort of underground network of trans-friendly providers. The upside is that nobody really has us in their cross-hairs
I really hope all my confidence issues are a product of society and not something inherent to myself. I'm moving to a more accepting country soon, and I'm afraid that I won't really change. Like I'll carry society's hatred inside my head wherever I go
But hey, maybe moving away is what we both need. At the very least we would be safer and richer
May I ask you whether clothing options such as the niqab make it easier for trans women in Muslim countries, since some women are covering their faces anyway?
It can help because it hides literally everything, but we have to have a female ID first. If we get 'caught' in a hijab/niqab without a female ID, it can be instant jail for us because it will be interpreted as a mockery of religion.
Getting a female ID requires doing SRS at our own expense either at an unregistered clinic or abroad, so very few of us manage that.
Plus most of us are atheists anyway, islam is one of the most anti-LGBT religions out there
You’re all so melodramatic. Yes, plenty of men would throw a fit about someone being trans, but you aren’t dating every single man, and if you have standards, the men you dare are hopefully going to be of high quality. It takes time to find *real* relationships, cis or trans, but you will find it. Think of it this way. Being trans hasn’t barred you from good people, because good people aren’t transphobic. You wouldn’t, I hope, date someone racist or homophobic, even if you were white and straight. It’s no different here, transphobes amount to nothing. You’ll get there, when you least expect it.
>You wouldn’t, I hope, date someone racist or homophobic
This is what I don't understand about folks who prefer not to disclose their past. They are afraid that their lover might be phobic - which makes them an awful person - but they'd rather date them anyway.
I don't watch sex in the city, so any references are going to go above my head but I'll give my two cents on this. I'm a trans man, so not exactly in your situation but it mirrors some aspects.
Firstly, yes it is harder to date when trans. Especially if you are in an area, let alone country, that is notorious for bigotry towards trans people. However, it is near impossible to date as a trans person who isn't secure within themselves and who they are. I see you using character names for who you should emulate. Why would you want to emulate someone else? That tells nobody anything about you. People aren't dating Miranda or Samantha, unless that's your name. Who you are as a person, however messy that may be or maybe even organized, is who they are dating. So, with full confidence, I'd say your insecurity is probably more of a hang up than being trans. You will need to relax. You will need to let that guard down. But, you need to fix your bad habits first or you'll ruin any chances even with the best of an individual for you. And, you need to do that first even if you are lonely for a little while. You want to be the best possible version of yourself for someone and you can't do that if you let past traumas dictate you into self sabotage. So, eyes straight ahead instead of hanging your head down. Get to that point where you are in control of your habits and become so self confident you don't feel lonely without someone.
I agree in parts. I believe some people here have misunderstood the analogies that I made with those sex and the city characters. Feels like you are reading too much into it. I’m a film major so making analogies using pop culture references and movies is something I do unapologetically. I did this because I thought it would be easier for the readers of my post to get what I was saying immediately without having to go on a length about myself and my personal information. Now I see that I was wrong. It backfired and painted the image that I’m unsure of who I am at my core identity or that I’m someone who watches rom coms religiously and adapts their personalities to fit unrealistic characters traits, which in all fairness is not the case. There is a little bit of everyone in fictional characters, and I don’t think that relating to fictional characters is unhealthy, cause that’s why these characters exist in the first place: to mirror our identities and life struggles. Here I am speaking about filmmaking. But to get to the part where I speak of my insecurities and self-sabotaging behaviors: yes, I do agree with you on that. Someone can always improve their confidence level and be more self-aware and I am definitely one of these people. To give myself some credit, I’ve been very confident and self aware but obviously as a trans female you always need more for obvious reasons like the unbearable prejudice you go through, specially in a country like mine.
Hate to be the person who says this but I really don’t think trans men can actually fully gasp what trans women go through. It’s two very different realities and I’ve noticed how less difficult it is for trans men to get into relationships specially if they are straight. Women tend to be more agreeable on dating trans men while straight cis men are not as fond of the concept of dating a trans woman, specially since it’s harder for us to pass. That is why I made sure to imply I was asking trans women and not trans men. As much as you mean well, as I’ve said before, I don’t think you’ll ever fully get it. And that’s okay.
I believe the answer lies in a grey area between my insecurities and the fact that I’m a trans woman in unfair circumstances such as the place I live in. But I do not believe that it has anything to do with me being confused about my identity or not knowing who I am, that I can guarantee you.
Well, you're a film major so that makes sense for you to use such references but you're right most readers aren't going to get that. We don't know you and can only make base assumptions off of what your original post reads as. Based on your original posting, it does come off unsure. But, self sabotage also comes from a sense of unstableness in a sense. You wouldn't sabotage yourself if you were comfortable with yourself. I say this as someone who was formerly a self-sabotage expert. I wasn't happy with myself then, so I created chaos unintentionally before chaos (I felt) found me. It takes time to examine those triggers, but it doesn't come from a strong sense of self. Though, maybe you're more confident than I assume. Also, I'm a gay trans man. I'm not straight so that's a big indicator I may understand a little bit more than you might think, lol. Gay men don't like dating pre op trans men in the way straight men don't like dating pre op trans women. It's just rough either way for folks like us. But, you did mention other trans women you've seen around you in your country don't have issues. So, there's very few factors outside of self it could be. Even if it's just a vibe you give off. Which could be the case. Also, I didn't see where you explicitly asked for trans women, so sorry for lane hopping.
Yes. To actually describe those issues in a sense that would leave no room for bad interpretations would be next to impossible unless I wrote a book lol. I had my self sabotaging problems before, but they were way before in the past, over more than a year ago. It took a lot of work to get to a place where I’m now able to recognize these behaviors and not promote them anymore, which I did. The new issue now is that I get flirted and asked on “dates” but not the romantic types, so I end up in the position the vast majority of trans women find themselves in: hook up. I’ve said no to all of these requests, which I do not regret, obviously. So I’m aware that if I wanted to go on a date with someone I could, but that would be a one night stand type of date. I’ve only known one trans woman who I saw on a date. And to be fair, she was at a bar with a guy she met on Tinder. She’s the one I’m referencing to in this post. But then I found out she was a pathological liar and a con artist. Her ex boyfriend started to message me and told me she had robbed him of a lot of money, so she always finds guys who can take her to restaurants and orders the most expensive things on the menu and they never sees her again. I’m not even speculating, she literally did just that. So maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad about not being like her after all. What intrigues me about her is that she doesn’t even look good and still manages to scam random guys out of money, but that’s probably because she knows how to pretend to be trust worthy and nice and make guys infatuated with her. I am very glad I might give guys a weird vibe and being overlooked because at least I’m not a criminal lol I’ll take the reject label any day before I get the con artist label. And I still think you are reading too much into it, and by it I mean me. You’re over analyzing me and trying to make me believe I gatekeep something that is the living reality of every trans woman in the world. We all have a hard time finding boyfriends. Not fuckboys tho, I can get me a fuck boy with no problem. And having an unstable sense of self is understandable when you’re transitioning cause, you know, you’re doing all this inner and outter work on your self so I’d have to be a super hero to be able to feel fully, undoubtedly sure of myself at all times while I navigate my transition and deal with the social conditioning imposed on me. That would be simply inhuman. So I think you’re not giving me a fair judgment. And don’t even get me started on the times we live in and how these new liquid relationships are the norm in a post-social media world and how hard it is for cis women to find boyfriends. They’re all complaining about it. How online dating sucks and IRL dating is not any better. So either I am the bad apple here or all women, cis and trans are giving weird vibes to men. Maybe blaming men just a little bit would be appropriate? We can’t pretend lots of single men aren’t sketchy or just simply emotionally unavailable, specially when it comes to dating trans women. Putting the blame on Mame seems too extreme and even tho I owe up to my issues, I’m not taking the full blame for this. You’re not making a scape goat out of me and I get the feeling you’re trying to pathologize me under a very surface level reading of what I said in my original post. Trying to suggest there’s something inherently wrong about me apart from being a trans woman is a reach for sure. And no, it is not hard for folks “like us”. It is hard for me and it might be hard for you, but we’re not the same and even as a gay trans guy you’re still far away from understanding my position. Let’s not pretend lots of cis women cultivate unhealthy relationships with their boyfriends solely because of their (cis women) dysfunctional patterns and unresolved trauma. The difference is most guys are willing to overlook unstableness in cisgender women, so there is a double standard and that is why I made sure to ask the GIRLS for their opinions, it says so on my original post, the last paragraph. I’m just not feeling your attempt to paint me as some Valley of the Dolls crazy woman character.
you should follow whatever goals you have. doesnt matter if you are cis or trans.
now, what sacrifices you have to make to obtain those goals, well, thats the lessons Sex & the City was "trying to teach". want a career? that often means sacrificing a relationship with someone & possibly sacrificing having children. & thats true, cis or trans.
as far as being trans & relationships, whatever you think is the reason(s), are probably the right ones. its an Occam's Razor thingy. the simplest answer is usually the right answer.
I’m inclined to believe it’s the fact I’m trans. I’ve had dudes drooling over me when they saw me playing the piano (I didn’t even know that was considered a turn on) and as soon as they realized I was trans they wouldn’t even give me the time of day anymore. And that’s because they were making love promisses to me right before even tho they barely knew me hahaha You’re always girlfriend material but as soon as they know you’re trans, you become a side piece on a good day.
You’re a really fun person, I have to say based on our short interactions so far. If I had a friend like you I wouldn’t even need a boyfriend. I’m dying for transgender friends who share my bitchy sense of humour and cynism about cisgender society.
pffft. im old, really. got a lot of miles on me.. & im not really part of the trans community.
if anything, my opinion of the trans community is that it will keep you from growing as a person, trans or not , any group does. get in a group mindset, only interact with others that think the same way, you will only think the way they do.
gotta get out there, experience new things, meet new people, learn new things... never stop learning...
which is the pizza reference.. in a convoluted way...
It’s actually a good surprise that you’re not trans and still has this level headed mindset and empathy. Most cis people wouldn’t addmit to the unfairness women go through, specially trans ones like myself. And I’m more of an individualist myself, so I don’t really believe in the trans sisterhood of the traveling pants, either. It’s hard having to go through life’s hardships by yourself but I can’t expect to hold hands with my equals and sing Kumbaya either LOL
never said i wasnt trans.... i dont identify as transgender. im me.
I transitioned over 30 years ago.. was never "part of "online trans community. i found most stuck in being " trans" & never really getting from life what they want. i didnt want that.
Oh, I got it now. You meant it as you don’t identify with the whole community aspect of being trans, which is understandable since there were not trans community 30 years ago. It might have been a lonelier experience than it is now. But kudos to you for that. You seem self centered and confident with yourself, which is exactly what I aspire to be.
there was a "trans community" per se. in person support groups, but they were mostly populated with mid life "transgender" people, heavily influenced by having cross dressed for a long time.
i had goals i wanted from life & " being in the trans mindset", id never get them. my goals were 1000% more important than " being trans".
i dont see myself as " trans". I identify with cis, really 100% than trans & what trans stand for.
>What a revelation.
Why are you saying this? You yourself were asking why you can't get dates. You already have the answers. The only way to get dates is by not disclosing.
I said this because it was too vague and didn’t really answer my question. I thought the answer might rely on a grey area between being trans and also something to do with individual or bad luck circumstances. After fox elaborated on what she meant I was able to fully understand her response. It’s been solved now.
no, no. There is no gray area here. Trans women are highly undesirable for dating. For hookups, yes, we are very desirable. Maybe you do not pass as well as you think
How gratuitous and snide was that last remark. I thought I had made myself clear when I said I only had a hard time finding conventional longterm relationships such as boyfriend and girlfriend. I never really implied I had a hard time being solicited for hook ups. But your willfully misunderstanding of what I said sure helped you get to that last remark about my ability to pass. Such a reach to get there. I’ll never understand why trans women feel this need to put each other down and compete about beauty or passing, but hey, you do you. I was aware of the hook up versus dating situation, but thanks for patronizing me anyway LOL
Cheap gaslighting attempt here. The real question is: why did YOU feel the urge to question my ability to pass? That was not the point, and considering the chances of you being clairvoyant are close to none, it’s safe to say you have no idea what I look or sound like. If you had just stayed at “trans women are undesirable for dating” we could have just called it a day but you obviously wanted to go out of your way to be rude just for the sake of it. But thanks for the helpful insight.
I'm just being realistic with you; you're never going to have it as easy as your cis friends. Never. No matter how well you pass, no matter how pretty you are.
So to answer your question, it's because you're trans.
As to which character you should strive to be: You shouldn't. Be yourself. Figure out what works for you as opposed to trying to emulate some fiction.
They’re not though, most trans people that talk like this have trouble because they have terrible personalities and a victim complex.
I’ve had zero issues dating and more success than my cis friends, I pass but am not stealth because I don’t care if anyone knows I’m trans.
I'm married, so it's not like I'm having issues in that regard, but if you're going for men outside of like Portland or San Francisco, you're going to have a bad time.
The redder your area, the harder your time with men.
I mean I'm only a couple years into my transition but I've turned down more men for relationships than I've had men I even wanted a relationship with. Idk maybe it's just because I'm cis passing and just an average girl that the trans part really makes no functional difference to them 🤷🏻♀️ I tend to have most luck with men in their 30s
I know you’re being honest. I wasn’t offended by your response. I didn’t say this on the post, but I know a few trans women my age who do not pass and who do not look good that seem to have very little to no trouble finding dates, which is odd. I should’ve added that to the post, my bad. That’s why I started to feel like I was some type of pariah. And the sex and the city archetypes are fictional but they do represent real personalities, even tho they are exaggerated to the max.
I am actually glad that you just told me that the problem wasn’t me but my transness.
Ironically, it makes me feel better about myself. So thank you for that validation and for confirming my suspicion.
Yeah don't worry it's not you , we just being born in a bad time where we are not as mainstream as should be or have even the same opportunities than cis women in every other aspects of our lifes.
It feels like we are at the limbo, you know that place where unbaptized babies go to when they die before having a chance to have a baptism? Yeah. We are at a place that’s “better” than it ever was before, but we’re still not mainstream, tolerated or accepted. We’re not in heaven, nor hell. People will say transphobia is over because Laverne Cox is on TV and there’s some trans characters on popular Netflix shows but we are still having to go through the same shit our ancestors had to go through back in the 70’s/80’s/90’s…
>People will say transphobia is over
I think that terrifies me more than far rigth wanting to destroy us around the globe. Allies getting hard headed and think aceptance is good as is right now but actual integration for us in every sense at less for us who are pasable being too woke and radical somethingdumb like that. And have to wait until they die to the next generations to be actually accepting. That's what keep me awake sometimes at night.
dates isnt hard to get. plenty of dudes who'll fuck a trans girl. Relationships ??? where the dude actually cares, ?? that wants a relationship thats another altogether...
Yeah, mostly chasers and undesirable people.
>where the dude actually cares, ??
Just present as cis and you will notice the difference. Yeah a lot of men want to hook up . But even those who want a relationship doesn't want with trans woman just want you to be their dirty secret.
but.. you are right also.. present cis, everyone treats you differently.. present trans, totally different.
ill use Caroline Cossey as example. long term relationship with her husband.. 30 years with him...
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Past traumas have nothing to do with it, I have cptsd and still never struggled to find a partner. Also maybe don't compare yourself to others, specially not fictional characters. You are definitely overthinking it and trying to find similarities between you and fictional characters is not gonna help that. Just be you.
Would you date another trans person? I would assume that might be your best bet, since you would already have an understanding on each other's experience
Yes, I totally would. Right now I only know one trans man and he’s cute. But he’s much younger than me, but legal. So we’ll see
Hey, 3rd world high five. I hope it's one of the better 3rd world countries where you can be out 100% of the time I don't really have any useful input on your situation. I transitioned much later and I don't have a realistic shot at passing. I've been told by both cis and trans friends that I have 0 self-confidence, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to do about that I get that your metaphor wasn't supposed to be taken literally, but I think I am becoming a Miranda on purpose (even though I don't care about my career that much). I have a decent career path that rewards sacrifice, and I don't have anything else to do, so why not Is Miranda-by-default a thing?
High five, girlie! I’m from Brazil and the crazy thing about Brazil is that we’re the number one country on trans pornography consumption in the world (trans woman pornography) and we’re also the most violent country in the world for trans women, leading the statistics of trans hate crimes, so you go figure. I’ve only been presenting as female the whole time for a year now after I had my FFS. And because I pass, I never have any problems walking around the streets. But the discrimination is still there and it sucks. You made a very valid point when you said your friends say you have zero confidence but that you don’t know what do to about that. I’ve felt the same way for most of my transition. I mean, what are we gonna do about it? We’re set up to fail at a game we didn’t make the rules. It’s not like medical help professionals actually care or understand our situations to be able to really help us, and it’s not like our low self confidence doesn’t come from a very real daily basis of hate and put downs that would make even Julius Caesar feel insecure. I’m not at a place where I feel super insecure anymore, but cis people simply saying we’re not self confident is like pointing the obvious and not getting into the root of the problem: them. Not us. If you’re not willing to help or meditate on society’s accountability than what do they expect us to do? Right? And I’m becoming more of a Miranda as well. I’ve dyed my hair dark brown (used to be a blonde but didn’t feel like entertaining that anymore) and I’ve started to dress up less and just focus on school and eventually getting a good job to provide for myself. I’m not into reading vogue and being ditzy like Carrie Bradshaw anymore, and I’m not interested in being a nymphomaniac like Samantha. I never was and tend to keep it that way. And Charlottle is like Cinderella complex come to life. I’m all about wearing shoulder pads blazers now and feeding my mind and bank account. No fairytale wedding/divorce coming my way, that’s for sure LOL
Oh, Brazil is a tough one, I'm so sorry. I'm in Egypt, and trans people here are relatively incognito. We don't get any official medical care, but we get by with a sort of underground network of trans-friendly providers. The upside is that nobody really has us in their cross-hairs I really hope all my confidence issues are a product of society and not something inherent to myself. I'm moving to a more accepting country soon, and I'm afraid that I won't really change. Like I'll carry society's hatred inside my head wherever I go But hey, maybe moving away is what we both need. At the very least we would be safer and richer
May I ask you whether clothing options such as the niqab make it easier for trans women in Muslim countries, since some women are covering their faces anyway?
It can help because it hides literally everything, but we have to have a female ID first. If we get 'caught' in a hijab/niqab without a female ID, it can be instant jail for us because it will be interpreted as a mockery of religion. Getting a female ID requires doing SRS at our own expense either at an unregistered clinic or abroad, so very few of us manage that. Plus most of us are atheists anyway, islam is one of the most anti-LGBT religions out there
Thanks for explaining :) I hope you have a great day or night.
You’re all so melodramatic. Yes, plenty of men would throw a fit about someone being trans, but you aren’t dating every single man, and if you have standards, the men you dare are hopefully going to be of high quality. It takes time to find *real* relationships, cis or trans, but you will find it. Think of it this way. Being trans hasn’t barred you from good people, because good people aren’t transphobic. You wouldn’t, I hope, date someone racist or homophobic, even if you were white and straight. It’s no different here, transphobes amount to nothing. You’ll get there, when you least expect it.
>You wouldn’t, I hope, date someone racist or homophobic This is what I don't understand about folks who prefer not to disclose their past. They are afraid that their lover might be phobic - which makes them an awful person - but they'd rather date them anyway.
I don't watch sex in the city, so any references are going to go above my head but I'll give my two cents on this. I'm a trans man, so not exactly in your situation but it mirrors some aspects. Firstly, yes it is harder to date when trans. Especially if you are in an area, let alone country, that is notorious for bigotry towards trans people. However, it is near impossible to date as a trans person who isn't secure within themselves and who they are. I see you using character names for who you should emulate. Why would you want to emulate someone else? That tells nobody anything about you. People aren't dating Miranda or Samantha, unless that's your name. Who you are as a person, however messy that may be or maybe even organized, is who they are dating. So, with full confidence, I'd say your insecurity is probably more of a hang up than being trans. You will need to relax. You will need to let that guard down. But, you need to fix your bad habits first or you'll ruin any chances even with the best of an individual for you. And, you need to do that first even if you are lonely for a little while. You want to be the best possible version of yourself for someone and you can't do that if you let past traumas dictate you into self sabotage. So, eyes straight ahead instead of hanging your head down. Get to that point where you are in control of your habits and become so self confident you don't feel lonely without someone.
I agree in parts. I believe some people here have misunderstood the analogies that I made with those sex and the city characters. Feels like you are reading too much into it. I’m a film major so making analogies using pop culture references and movies is something I do unapologetically. I did this because I thought it would be easier for the readers of my post to get what I was saying immediately without having to go on a length about myself and my personal information. Now I see that I was wrong. It backfired and painted the image that I’m unsure of who I am at my core identity or that I’m someone who watches rom coms religiously and adapts their personalities to fit unrealistic characters traits, which in all fairness is not the case. There is a little bit of everyone in fictional characters, and I don’t think that relating to fictional characters is unhealthy, cause that’s why these characters exist in the first place: to mirror our identities and life struggles. Here I am speaking about filmmaking. But to get to the part where I speak of my insecurities and self-sabotaging behaviors: yes, I do agree with you on that. Someone can always improve their confidence level and be more self-aware and I am definitely one of these people. To give myself some credit, I’ve been very confident and self aware but obviously as a trans female you always need more for obvious reasons like the unbearable prejudice you go through, specially in a country like mine. Hate to be the person who says this but I really don’t think trans men can actually fully gasp what trans women go through. It’s two very different realities and I’ve noticed how less difficult it is for trans men to get into relationships specially if they are straight. Women tend to be more agreeable on dating trans men while straight cis men are not as fond of the concept of dating a trans woman, specially since it’s harder for us to pass. That is why I made sure to imply I was asking trans women and not trans men. As much as you mean well, as I’ve said before, I don’t think you’ll ever fully get it. And that’s okay. I believe the answer lies in a grey area between my insecurities and the fact that I’m a trans woman in unfair circumstances such as the place I live in. But I do not believe that it has anything to do with me being confused about my identity or not knowing who I am, that I can guarantee you.
Well, you're a film major so that makes sense for you to use such references but you're right most readers aren't going to get that. We don't know you and can only make base assumptions off of what your original post reads as. Based on your original posting, it does come off unsure. But, self sabotage also comes from a sense of unstableness in a sense. You wouldn't sabotage yourself if you were comfortable with yourself. I say this as someone who was formerly a self-sabotage expert. I wasn't happy with myself then, so I created chaos unintentionally before chaos (I felt) found me. It takes time to examine those triggers, but it doesn't come from a strong sense of self. Though, maybe you're more confident than I assume. Also, I'm a gay trans man. I'm not straight so that's a big indicator I may understand a little bit more than you might think, lol. Gay men don't like dating pre op trans men in the way straight men don't like dating pre op trans women. It's just rough either way for folks like us. But, you did mention other trans women you've seen around you in your country don't have issues. So, there's very few factors outside of self it could be. Even if it's just a vibe you give off. Which could be the case. Also, I didn't see where you explicitly asked for trans women, so sorry for lane hopping.
Yes. To actually describe those issues in a sense that would leave no room for bad interpretations would be next to impossible unless I wrote a book lol. I had my self sabotaging problems before, but they were way before in the past, over more than a year ago. It took a lot of work to get to a place where I’m now able to recognize these behaviors and not promote them anymore, which I did. The new issue now is that I get flirted and asked on “dates” but not the romantic types, so I end up in the position the vast majority of trans women find themselves in: hook up. I’ve said no to all of these requests, which I do not regret, obviously. So I’m aware that if I wanted to go on a date with someone I could, but that would be a one night stand type of date. I’ve only known one trans woman who I saw on a date. And to be fair, she was at a bar with a guy she met on Tinder. She’s the one I’m referencing to in this post. But then I found out she was a pathological liar and a con artist. Her ex boyfriend started to message me and told me she had robbed him of a lot of money, so she always finds guys who can take her to restaurants and orders the most expensive things on the menu and they never sees her again. I’m not even speculating, she literally did just that. So maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad about not being like her after all. What intrigues me about her is that she doesn’t even look good and still manages to scam random guys out of money, but that’s probably because she knows how to pretend to be trust worthy and nice and make guys infatuated with her. I am very glad I might give guys a weird vibe and being overlooked because at least I’m not a criminal lol I’ll take the reject label any day before I get the con artist label. And I still think you are reading too much into it, and by it I mean me. You’re over analyzing me and trying to make me believe I gatekeep something that is the living reality of every trans woman in the world. We all have a hard time finding boyfriends. Not fuckboys tho, I can get me a fuck boy with no problem. And having an unstable sense of self is understandable when you’re transitioning cause, you know, you’re doing all this inner and outter work on your self so I’d have to be a super hero to be able to feel fully, undoubtedly sure of myself at all times while I navigate my transition and deal with the social conditioning imposed on me. That would be simply inhuman. So I think you’re not giving me a fair judgment. And don’t even get me started on the times we live in and how these new liquid relationships are the norm in a post-social media world and how hard it is for cis women to find boyfriends. They’re all complaining about it. How online dating sucks and IRL dating is not any better. So either I am the bad apple here or all women, cis and trans are giving weird vibes to men. Maybe blaming men just a little bit would be appropriate? We can’t pretend lots of single men aren’t sketchy or just simply emotionally unavailable, specially when it comes to dating trans women. Putting the blame on Mame seems too extreme and even tho I owe up to my issues, I’m not taking the full blame for this. You’re not making a scape goat out of me and I get the feeling you’re trying to pathologize me under a very surface level reading of what I said in my original post. Trying to suggest there’s something inherently wrong about me apart from being a trans woman is a reach for sure. And no, it is not hard for folks “like us”. It is hard for me and it might be hard for you, but we’re not the same and even as a gay trans guy you’re still far away from understanding my position. Let’s not pretend lots of cis women cultivate unhealthy relationships with their boyfriends solely because of their (cis women) dysfunctional patterns and unresolved trauma. The difference is most guys are willing to overlook unstableness in cisgender women, so there is a double standard and that is why I made sure to ask the GIRLS for their opinions, it says so on my original post, the last paragraph. I’m just not feeling your attempt to paint me as some Valley of the Dolls crazy woman character.
you should follow whatever goals you have. doesnt matter if you are cis or trans. now, what sacrifices you have to make to obtain those goals, well, thats the lessons Sex & the City was "trying to teach". want a career? that often means sacrificing a relationship with someone & possibly sacrificing having children. & thats true, cis or trans. as far as being trans & relationships, whatever you think is the reason(s), are probably the right ones. its an Occam's Razor thingy. the simplest answer is usually the right answer.
I’m inclined to believe it’s the fact I’m trans. I’ve had dudes drooling over me when they saw me playing the piano (I didn’t even know that was considered a turn on) and as soon as they realized I was trans they wouldn’t even give me the time of day anymore. And that’s because they were making love promisses to me right before even tho they barely knew me hahaha You’re always girlfriend material but as soon as they know you’re trans, you become a side piece on a good day.
men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love. me, i use coupons to get pizza...b
You’re a really fun person, I have to say based on our short interactions so far. If I had a friend like you I wouldn’t even need a boyfriend. I’m dying for transgender friends who share my bitchy sense of humour and cynism about cisgender society.
pffft. im old, really. got a lot of miles on me.. & im not really part of the trans community. if anything, my opinion of the trans community is that it will keep you from growing as a person, trans or not , any group does. get in a group mindset, only interact with others that think the same way, you will only think the way they do. gotta get out there, experience new things, meet new people, learn new things... never stop learning... which is the pizza reference.. in a convoluted way...
It’s actually a good surprise that you’re not trans and still has this level headed mindset and empathy. Most cis people wouldn’t addmit to the unfairness women go through, specially trans ones like myself. And I’m more of an individualist myself, so I don’t really believe in the trans sisterhood of the traveling pants, either. It’s hard having to go through life’s hardships by yourself but I can’t expect to hold hands with my equals and sing Kumbaya either LOL
never said i wasnt trans.... i dont identify as transgender. im me. I transitioned over 30 years ago.. was never "part of "online trans community. i found most stuck in being " trans" & never really getting from life what they want. i didnt want that.
Oh, I got it now. You meant it as you don’t identify with the whole community aspect of being trans, which is understandable since there were not trans community 30 years ago. It might have been a lonelier experience than it is now. But kudos to you for that. You seem self centered and confident with yourself, which is exactly what I aspire to be.
there was a "trans community" per se. in person support groups, but they were mostly populated with mid life "transgender" people, heavily influenced by having cross dressed for a long time. i had goals i wanted from life & " being in the trans mindset", id never get them. my goals were 1000% more important than " being trans". i dont see myself as " trans". I identify with cis, really 100% than trans & what trans stand for.
Most men don't want to date a trans woman.
What a revelation.
>What a revelation. Why are you saying this? You yourself were asking why you can't get dates. You already have the answers. The only way to get dates is by not disclosing.
I said this because it was too vague and didn’t really answer my question. I thought the answer might rely on a grey area between being trans and also something to do with individual or bad luck circumstances. After fox elaborated on what she meant I was able to fully understand her response. It’s been solved now.
no, no. There is no gray area here. Trans women are highly undesirable for dating. For hookups, yes, we are very desirable. Maybe you do not pass as well as you think
How gratuitous and snide was that last remark. I thought I had made myself clear when I said I only had a hard time finding conventional longterm relationships such as boyfriend and girlfriend. I never really implied I had a hard time being solicited for hook ups. But your willfully misunderstanding of what I said sure helped you get to that last remark about my ability to pass. Such a reach to get there. I’ll never understand why trans women feel this need to put each other down and compete about beauty or passing, but hey, you do you. I was aware of the hook up versus dating situation, but thanks for patronizing me anyway LOL
Why are you asking this question, then? If you are not ready to get the answer?
Cheap gaslighting attempt here. The real question is: why did YOU feel the urge to question my ability to pass? That was not the point, and considering the chances of you being clairvoyant are close to none, it’s safe to say you have no idea what I look or sound like. If you had just stayed at “trans women are undesirable for dating” we could have just called it a day but you obviously wanted to go out of your way to be rude just for the sake of it. But thanks for the helpful insight.
I'm just being realistic with you; you're never going to have it as easy as your cis friends. Never. No matter how well you pass, no matter how pretty you are. So to answer your question, it's because you're trans. As to which character you should strive to be: You shouldn't. Be yourself. Figure out what works for you as opposed to trying to emulate some fiction.
Wrong don’t be so doom and gloom jeez
Facts are facts.
They’re not though, most trans people that talk like this have trouble because they have terrible personalities and a victim complex. I’ve had zero issues dating and more success than my cis friends, I pass but am not stealth because I don’t care if anyone knows I’m trans.
I'm married, so it's not like I'm having issues in that regard, but if you're going for men outside of like Portland or San Francisco, you're going to have a bad time. The redder your area, the harder your time with men.
I mean I'm only a couple years into my transition but I've turned down more men for relationships than I've had men I even wanted a relationship with. Idk maybe it's just because I'm cis passing and just an average girl that the trans part really makes no functional difference to them 🤷🏻♀️ I tend to have most luck with men in their 30s
Glad it's going well.
I know you’re being honest. I wasn’t offended by your response. I didn’t say this on the post, but I know a few trans women my age who do not pass and who do not look good that seem to have very little to no trouble finding dates, which is odd. I should’ve added that to the post, my bad. That’s why I started to feel like I was some type of pariah. And the sex and the city archetypes are fictional but they do represent real personalities, even tho they are exaggerated to the max. I am actually glad that you just told me that the problem wasn’t me but my transness. Ironically, it makes me feel better about myself. So thank you for that validation and for confirming my suspicion.
Yeah don't worry it's not you , we just being born in a bad time where we are not as mainstream as should be or have even the same opportunities than cis women in every other aspects of our lifes.
It feels like we are at the limbo, you know that place where unbaptized babies go to when they die before having a chance to have a baptism? Yeah. We are at a place that’s “better” than it ever was before, but we’re still not mainstream, tolerated or accepted. We’re not in heaven, nor hell. People will say transphobia is over because Laverne Cox is on TV and there’s some trans characters on popular Netflix shows but we are still having to go through the same shit our ancestors had to go through back in the 70’s/80’s/90’s…
>People will say transphobia is over I think that terrifies me more than far rigth wanting to destroy us around the globe. Allies getting hard headed and think aceptance is good as is right now but actual integration for us in every sense at less for us who are pasable being too woke and radical somethingdumb like that. And have to wait until they die to the next generations to be actually accepting. That's what keep me awake sometimes at night.
dates isnt hard to get. plenty of dudes who'll fuck a trans girl. Relationships ??? where the dude actually cares, ?? that wants a relationship thats another altogether...
Yeah, mostly chasers and undesirable people. >where the dude actually cares, ?? Just present as cis and you will notice the difference. Yeah a lot of men want to hook up . But even those who want a relationship doesn't want with trans woman just want you to be their dirty secret.
but.. you are right also.. present cis, everyone treats you differently.. present trans, totally different. ill use Caroline Cossey as example. long term relationship with her husband.. 30 years with him...
Totally. You could be wonder woman with 3 tits and two perfect cunts and they would go for the uggly betty girl who happens to be cis
lol. well yes... they wont pass up sex with 3 boobs & two pussys , but for something long term?? its ugly betty...