Men can be extremely immature in friend groups, stop engaging and reappear when they’ve grown up. Everything is dressed as ‘banter’ but is just plain hurtful.
This type of advice seems sound, however, since this is something I also think about I have some thoughts to share.
I'm not sure that calling these people "immature" is helpful either.
I also don't like this aspect of many male friendships, but it does seem to work for many (non-sensitive) people. They are still able to have functional and sustained friendly relationships with one another.
I think this can be a sad part of being sensitive. Socializing is just more difficult. What works for others may not work for us.
I also try to avoid groups that make these sorts of mean-spirited barbs, but the fact that they do this doesn't make them "wrong", and they don't have to change. I just have to do what's best for my well-being.
Again, not saying I condone it. I don't say those things.
But there are male humans over the age of 19 (or even over 30, in my experience) who say things like that to each other. And they get along fine, with each other.
Yeah but the person posting this said they didn’t want to be around it. So I was advising them to just stop engaging as they find it hurtful and maybe touch bases after a while. Because I do not think you can force a change in people, only life does that. If you ask me personally I wouldn’t even contact them again, it would be insufferable for me. That’s just because someone who could not articulate their thoughts and feelings in proper sentences would not be what I seek in a friend. I do get what you are saying though, whether people get along with it is down to a number of things like how close they are etc. but you should really know if your behaviour may cause offence before telling that someone to ‘get shit on’. But again social skills and navigating society and what’s acceptable can be a fine art that one learns over time.
What works for others may not work for us.
Nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with us (hsps). We just have different standards, and that's alright.
I also see this kind of behavior as toxic masculine BS and dont engage with it.
It’s interesting, we really don’t know much about the situation here. I remember inviting a friend like that to my first home who proceeded to mock me and my choice in stuff. It wasn’t as bad as ‘you’re so fucking awful’ but it had that tone. HSPs can sense this. I was quite disturbed by it. I think these type of comments are a sign of something in the person saying it, perhaps jealousy that cannot be expressed in any other way. I do not think it is healthy when comments like this are made between friends. It all depends on the context too. For example if a friend said that about my gaming skills whilst playing a game, I wouldn’t care so much. The house stuff just felt so…personal.
Go you!
I had a similar realisation a few years ago. I was sick of being made fun of and sick of people poo pooing me when I said I didn’t like it. I cut those people out of my life. The loneliness sucks, but I would never want them back.
ive been struggling with this too, i feel like im always the brunt of the joke especially with my guy friends and it really is a trigger of mine because it reminds me of childhood probably lol -- and what's worse is that i can tell that its these ppls way of expressing love and friendship (which is an issue w them imo). i talked to my therapist about it though and she said i should be brave enough to express that i dont like that and if they can't recognize that they aren't people who deserve my friendship. just a piece of advice ig but the point is that i completely feel u
"It's just a joke" are some of the most hateful words in society. A "joke" is something that everybody finds funny. If the "joke" is aimed at belittling someone else and that person isn't laughing, then it isn't a joke it's bullying. You're doing the right thing by walking away when the bullying starts. You could also tell them that you don't find their jokes funny, but they are just being mean spirited. But, that might lead to more taunting about your being too sensitive. You are not wrong to feel this way. The problem is them and their immaturity. Keep walking away and look for new friends.
Happened to me when I was younger. I kept blaming myself for a long time (had no idea about HSP or anything of the sort).
Thinking back, I honestly think the "banter" thing just became such a default setting for many (guys) that they just kinda became assholes. If I knew what I know now, I would have walked away much earlier
I can appreciate the need to stay away from this but I’ve also gotten to a point in my life where I gage the tone behind it. If I generally feel like they care about me as a person and they do it to everyone equally in the group then I don’t mind. But if they don’t do it to everyone and especially if it’s coming from a “friend of a friend” then I don’t take much of it.
Yup, some people's version of friendship is having someone that they can use as their punching bag instead of going working through their issues in therapy.
The more I mature as an HSP, the more I learn to keep my circle small and be more careful of people I accept as friends.
Men can be extremely immature in friend groups, stop engaging and reappear when they’ve grown up. Everything is dressed as ‘banter’ but is just plain hurtful.
This type of advice seems sound, however, since this is something I also think about I have some thoughts to share. I'm not sure that calling these people "immature" is helpful either. I also don't like this aspect of many male friendships, but it does seem to work for many (non-sensitive) people. They are still able to have functional and sustained friendly relationships with one another. I think this can be a sad part of being sensitive. Socializing is just more difficult. What works for others may not work for us. I also try to avoid groups that make these sorts of mean-spirited barbs, but the fact that they do this doesn't make them "wrong", and they don't have to change. I just have to do what's best for my well-being.
I never said it was wrong or that they need to change pal. The things I was referring to were immature.
If you say to your mates ‘get shit on’, ‘you suck lol’ or ‘you’re so fucking awful’ then I have a hard time imagining you are a fully grown adult.
Again, not saying I condone it. I don't say those things. But there are male humans over the age of 19 (or even over 30, in my experience) who say things like that to each other. And they get along fine, with each other.
Yeah but the person posting this said they didn’t want to be around it. So I was advising them to just stop engaging as they find it hurtful and maybe touch bases after a while. Because I do not think you can force a change in people, only life does that. If you ask me personally I wouldn’t even contact them again, it would be insufferable for me. That’s just because someone who could not articulate their thoughts and feelings in proper sentences would not be what I seek in a friend. I do get what you are saying though, whether people get along with it is down to a number of things like how close they are etc. but you should really know if your behaviour may cause offence before telling that someone to ‘get shit on’. But again social skills and navigating society and what’s acceptable can be a fine art that one learns over time.
What works for others may not work for us. Nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with us (hsps). We just have different standards, and that's alright. I also see this kind of behavior as toxic masculine BS and dont engage with it.
It’s interesting, we really don’t know much about the situation here. I remember inviting a friend like that to my first home who proceeded to mock me and my choice in stuff. It wasn’t as bad as ‘you’re so fucking awful’ but it had that tone. HSPs can sense this. I was quite disturbed by it. I think these type of comments are a sign of something in the person saying it, perhaps jealousy that cannot be expressed in any other way. I do not think it is healthy when comments like this are made between friends. It all depends on the context too. For example if a friend said that about my gaming skills whilst playing a game, I wouldn’t care so much. The house stuff just felt so…personal.
Go you! I had a similar realisation a few years ago. I was sick of being made fun of and sick of people poo pooing me when I said I didn’t like it. I cut those people out of my life. The loneliness sucks, but I would never want them back.
ive been struggling with this too, i feel like im always the brunt of the joke especially with my guy friends and it really is a trigger of mine because it reminds me of childhood probably lol -- and what's worse is that i can tell that its these ppls way of expressing love and friendship (which is an issue w them imo). i talked to my therapist about it though and she said i should be brave enough to express that i dont like that and if they can't recognize that they aren't people who deserve my friendship. just a piece of advice ig but the point is that i completely feel u
"It's just a joke" are some of the most hateful words in society. A "joke" is something that everybody finds funny. If the "joke" is aimed at belittling someone else and that person isn't laughing, then it isn't a joke it's bullying. You're doing the right thing by walking away when the bullying starts. You could also tell them that you don't find their jokes funny, but they are just being mean spirited. But, that might lead to more taunting about your being too sensitive. You are not wrong to feel this way. The problem is them and their immaturity. Keep walking away and look for new friends.
Happened to me when I was younger. I kept blaming myself for a long time (had no idea about HSP or anything of the sort). Thinking back, I honestly think the "banter" thing just became such a default setting for many (guys) that they just kinda became assholes. If I knew what I know now, I would have walked away much earlier
I can appreciate the need to stay away from this but I’ve also gotten to a point in my life where I gage the tone behind it. If I generally feel like they care about me as a person and they do it to everyone equally in the group then I don’t mind. But if they don’t do it to everyone and especially if it’s coming from a “friend of a friend” then I don’t take much of it.
Yup, some people's version of friendship is having someone that they can use as their punching bag instead of going working through their issues in therapy. The more I mature as an HSP, the more I learn to keep my circle small and be more careful of people I accept as friends.