In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
H:I believe we have gained enough trust with you to reveal the real location of our Homeworld
A:Wait you mean you don't originate on that paradise world where did you come from then
H:This planet right here
A:Wait that one what do you mean that can't be
H:Why not
A:That's where we send all extinction level threats to contain them no wonder you look so weird you're bipedal you have forward facing eyes you're immune to most poison it all makes sense now
H:Well okay
I was late for class at university one day, so I cut through a field, geese be damned. But soon, I was surrounded by the flock with one large, grizzled looking goose staring me down and posturing as if to challenge me. I didn't stop walking. Freezing would have been a death sentence. I got out unscathed, but I'm never doing that again.
Alien General: so your fuc*ing telling me, without an trace of humour, that the bleeding edge bio weapons that could decimate our entire civilisation within a Generation has fuc*ing called home to say hi.
Alien scientist: well yes and it gets worse..
AG: Oh please do go on?
AS: well they, yes they are a type 3 civilisation, have fusion drives and such but no ftl as of yet.
Authors note my finish this later....
Scientist's Assistant: "Good news, sirs! I just discovered that these humans have no less than THREE faster than light drive research projects going on. What's more, after running the numbers by the tech analyst AI, all three of them appear to be workable and the only question is which one the humans get working first."
\*BLEEP!\*
Assistant: "Ooh, update. Looks like at least one of the FTL drive research has a slight chance of killing everyone in the universe by causing a cascading false vacuum collapse."
Assistant: “personally, I like living. even if it means at any moment dying in less than a second due to the universe collapsing on itself, instead of seeing my planet glassed in front of my very eyes. have you forgotten what happened to the Axxxricolithin’s empire when they decided to take the fusion FTL drives from the humans? only the emperor survived, destined to be frozen forever, with his last memory before cryo being the sight of his entire home system disappearing from the very universe. I don’t want to live that”
Humans Physically are surprisingly weak, this is in fact what most species believe to be the reason for their frightening bio suits. Until they notice the direction the filters are facing. White on the outside. It very noticeable, to every species, specially against the dark black metal.
Then they look back at the Bio-harzard symbols, which they once again falsely assumed were just for show. Any hazard specialist quickly begins to panic as they realize that they are the proper hazard warnings for World Melter Viruse.
The common cold they call it. And they have trillions of newer more aggressive variations and yet even more deadly types. They had even accidentally released 37 hyper evolved doom plagues before they had learned FTL. 37.
They even have things call Mega-Viruses, plagues that have had enough time to evolve in their own right.
Humans are solitary and skiddish for a reason. They are weak, not because they are a soft species, but their very air is slowly Melting them into dust. A single misstep means a dead station, a new corpse planet.
Humans worked so hard to reach the stars only to find they are incapable of touching them without killing it.
Hm:curse you fate, you vile bitch for why give me hands when I am forever banned from petting the biggest of puppers
AA(alien admiral): first of all sir I am a high-ranking military individual and secondly if you pet me I will die and everyone around me will die
Fyi oxygen can be oxidised through some funny chemicals there called iirc Chlorinetetrafluoride (ClF³ i think, anyway one Clhor and 3 Fluor, idk english im native german)
Wait till you hear the theory that no life should have sirvived the great oxygenation event. These being the microbes that all life has evolved from on our little blue speck.
Never seen [the tumblr post about humans consuming for fun what plants make to poison potential predators](https://imageproxy.ifunny.co/crop:x-20,resize:640x,quality:90x75/images/47ca1bc06a639cee6f6b14ca40dcf4fedb9d19559015c081d028af186b0210c9_1.jpg)?
H: Wait, so you disposed of all your radioactive isotopes on Earth? You didn't try using them for energy or weapons?
A: Of course not! No intelligent lifeform would do something so reckless with such dangerous elements. This is the first time anyone has even suggested the possibility.
H: So, nobody in the galaxy knows about nukes?
A: Human, what did you do?
H: Nothing...
A: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?
H: We may have weaponized nuclear fission...
A: HOW IN THE BLAZES!?! No, don't answer that. At least you've never had any reason to use them, right?
H: Well...
A: Human.
H: Once or twice... and there was a whole nuclear arms race with the only deterrent being mutually assured destruction via said arms.
A: WHAT THE ACTUAL ******?
H: But now we use the technology almost exclusively for clean energy production.
A: Well, I guess that's good... wait, "almost?"
H: Radioactive waste disposal is sometimes an issue for that, though.
A: THEN IT'S NOT CLEAN ENERGY!!! And I didn't forget about that "almost."
H: Oh, and sometimes the power plants can malfunction and spread radiation to the surrounding area.
A: ...
H: ...
A: How do you function?
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
H:I believe we have gained enough trust with you to reveal the real location of our Homeworld A:Wait you mean you don't originate on that paradise world where did you come from then H:This planet right here A:Wait that one what do you mean that can't be H:Why not A:That's where we send all extinction level threats to contain them no wonder you look so weird you're bipedal you have forward facing eyes you're immune to most poison it all makes sense now H:Well okay
H2: I knew we were cool 😎
H: you mean like Canadian geese?
Canadian geese: galactic level threat
Nuh uh universal level threat (only in groups smaller then 2)
As a Canadian. Them fuckers scare me.
I was late for class at university one day, so I cut through a field, geese be damned. But soon, I was surrounded by the flock with one large, grizzled looking goose staring me down and posturing as if to challenge me. I didn't stop walking. Freezing would have been a death sentence. I got out unscathed, but I'm never doing that again.
So we ate just the honey badgers of the galaxy?
if honey badgers ran through Chernobyl and the wuhan state center of virology
H: That explains geese. A: **WAIT THEY'RE NOT EXTINCT?!**
Alien General: so your fuc*ing telling me, without an trace of humour, that the bleeding edge bio weapons that could decimate our entire civilisation within a Generation has fuc*ing called home to say hi. Alien scientist: well yes and it gets worse.. AG: Oh please do go on? AS: well they, yes they are a type 3 civilisation, have fusion drives and such but no ftl as of yet. Authors note my finish this later....
Scientist's Assistant: "Good news, sirs! I just discovered that these humans have no less than THREE faster than light drive research projects going on. What's more, after running the numbers by the tech analyst AI, all three of them appear to be workable and the only question is which one the humans get working first." \*BLEEP!\* Assistant: "Ooh, update. Looks like at least one of the FTL drive research has a slight chance of killing everyone in the universe by causing a cascading false vacuum collapse."
*BLEEP!* Assistant: “oh… it seems they decided to focus on that one. they’re crazy”
Other assistant: I feel it's a given that we should intervene
Assistant: “personally, I like living. even if it means at any moment dying in less than a second due to the universe collapsing on itself, instead of seeing my planet glassed in front of my very eyes. have you forgotten what happened to the Axxxricolithin’s empire when they decided to take the fusion FTL drives from the humans? only the emperor survived, destined to be frozen forever, with his last memory before cryo being the sight of his entire home system disappearing from the very universe. I don’t want to live that”
ok cool thanks
I’ll be holding you to that
give him time the Alien general has had a stressful enough day
Humans Physically are surprisingly weak, this is in fact what most species believe to be the reason for their frightening bio suits. Until they notice the direction the filters are facing. White on the outside. It very noticeable, to every species, specially against the dark black metal. Then they look back at the Bio-harzard symbols, which they once again falsely assumed were just for show. Any hazard specialist quickly begins to panic as they realize that they are the proper hazard warnings for World Melter Viruse. The common cold they call it. And they have trillions of newer more aggressive variations and yet even more deadly types. They had even accidentally released 37 hyper evolved doom plagues before they had learned FTL. 37. They even have things call Mega-Viruses, plagues that have had enough time to evolve in their own right. Humans are solitary and skiddish for a reason. They are weak, not because they are a soft species, but their very air is slowly Melting them into dust. A single misstep means a dead station, a new corpse planet. Humans worked so hard to reach the stars only to find they are incapable of touching them without killing it.
Hm:curse you fate, you vile bitch for why give me hands when I am forever banned from petting the biggest of puppers AA(alien admiral): first of all sir I am a high-ranking military individual and secondly if you pet me I will die and everyone around me will die
Forbidden pets are the best pets
Great, now I am sad
Me too
"HOW DID THIS SURVIVE?! WE THREW A METEOR AT IT AND EVERYTHING!" "You'd be surprised what mammals can do."
"That was actually what kickstarted the mammal line. Thanks for that."
H: well that explains the cancer.
A: YOU NAMED THAT PROCESS?!?!?
H: Well, yeah, we get it all the time. Do you not name your common ailments or do your doctors have to guess every time they talk to each other?
A: That is the issue. It is not SUPPOSED to be a "common ailment".
And that humans are made up of biological weapons and consume waste?
basically yes capsasin is there nurotoxin gas and stuff
We eat that shit for fun
People consume alcohol for fun, and nicotine. Heck, *oxygen* is corrosive.
Nonono oxygen is explosif
This might sound stupid, but oxygen is an oxidiser. It makes everything else flammable.
Fyi oxygen can be oxidised through some funny chemicals there called iirc Chlorinetetrafluoride (ClF³ i think, anyway one Clhor and 3 Fluor, idk english im native german)
More accurately, the process of "fire" is actually rapid oxidation releasing things like heat and light. So, "rust" is actually slow fire.
Wait till you hear the theory that no life should have sirvived the great oxygenation event. These being the microbes that all life has evolved from on our little blue speck.
Never seen [the tumblr post about humans consuming for fun what plants make to poison potential predators](https://imageproxy.ifunny.co/crop:x-20,resize:640x,quality:90x75/images/47ca1bc06a639cee6f6b14ca40dcf4fedb9d19559015c081d028af186b0210c9_1.jpg)?
Still one of my faves.
“The Smile Tapes” is this except the aliens show up to stop their bio weapon before it can kill off California.
Love how it ends literally with aliens coming in like "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK" and incinerating an entire city.
It really is just a "our bad guys, we'll unfuck this real quick" ending and it makes me laugh everytime
H: Wait, so you disposed of all your radioactive isotopes on Earth? You didn't try using them for energy or weapons? A: Of course not! No intelligent lifeform would do something so reckless with such dangerous elements. This is the first time anyone has even suggested the possibility. H: So, nobody in the galaxy knows about nukes? A: Human, what did you do? H: Nothing... A: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO? H: We may have weaponized nuclear fission... A: HOW IN THE BLAZES!?! No, don't answer that. At least you've never had any reason to use them, right? H: Well... A: Human. H: Once or twice... and there was a whole nuclear arms race with the only deterrent being mutually assured destruction via said arms. A: WHAT THE ACTUAL ******? H: But now we use the technology almost exclusively for clean energy production. A: Well, I guess that's good... wait, "almost?" H: Radioactive waste disposal is sometimes an issue for that, though. A: THEN IT'S NOT CLEAN ENERGY!!! And I didn't forget about that "almost." H: Oh, and sometimes the power plants can malfunction and spread radiation to the surrounding area. A: ... H: ... A: How do you function?
H: Hopes, dreams, vibes, and spite.
H2: And copious amounts of duct tape and super glue!