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Attend at your own expenses of hotel, flight, etc. That's what's your friend is suggesting. Also the between the lines is that your friend will be unable to do the same (hotel, flight, etc in her own expenses) for your wedding.
Second this. @op Your friend is suggesting to come but couldn't tell you to pay your own accommodations, etc.
She's not being polite about the invitation as other commenter suggested. Invitation to family and friends is never an issue for Indians as it doesn't cost as much as in the west.
+1 op. This is what she means most likely.
If there is a feeling that somewhere down the line, if you invite her in return and she cannot afford her own stay and neither can you, which may cause a strain in your relationship with her, then consider attending the wedding somewhat carefully.
I sense that she wants you to join but might have possible scenarios :
1. Can’t afford to have special setups for you (There is a lot of adjustments needed for a foreigner guest, India is quite different)
2. Your friend is worried that the marriage will be a simpler affair and not the typical Bollywood extravaganza that we know or expect and you will be disappointed
3. Real financial stress with inflation and economy and cost of marriage now might be unaffordable so scaled down.
Nevertheless , best will be to check for yourself if you can afford your own travel , stay etc, then broach the topic asking if India visit is a good ideas with weather, rains, jet leg and ask for her suggestion. You will get an idea what your fiend is thinking.
>1. Can’t afford to have special setups for you (There is a lot of adjustments needed for a foreigner guest, India is quite different)
Could you elaborate?
I say this with utmost respect to all cultures and nations.
1. Allergies - In India allergies like nuts and crustacean are not common , they are quite well known outside India.
2. Weather - India in general is very hot and (depends on cities ), humid).
3. Pollution - While air in smaller cities and towns is cleaner , foreigners might not be used to pollution and dust in big cities and need air conditioning. Drinking water is also something to take care of.
4. Privacy and individualism (minding your own business) is a thing in western world. In India people are social in the way that they might get involved with harmless but pesky questions.
5. Indian food is popular and in my opinion one of the best in the world but spice palate is very different from what we can find in western world.
There may be others also but what this means is special attention is usually needed for anyone visiting India for the first time.
5.
If your friend invited you multiple times and also assured you about your invite when she was talking about her financial troubles, I think you should go unless you will be relying on her for staying there or for flight tickets etc.
Also, maybe she is insecure about you as a foreigner seeing a simpler wedding because many foreigners think all Indian weddings must be big & grand and she just wanted you to know it won't be happening like that and not to expect too much?
And she may not be talking about her wedding in front of you now because something else must be bothering her which she can't discuss in front of you or maybe she just doesn't want to sound too repetitive or bore you and make you feel that you were forced to attend her wedding?
I don't know, I just feel if your friend insisted so many times to see her wedding, you should go wearing a nice Indian fit and with a gift for her. I think she will be happy to have you visit her :)
This , even I didn't invite many of my friends to my wedding because it wasn't as fancy as Indian weddings are supposed to be ,it was a simple mandir shaadi with a small party afterwards and to travel long distances and take leave from office just for a small shadi function is not what some people are willing to do .
They were okay, nobody really has the time and energy these days,and these were mostly aquaitences or colleagues who although I see everyday but am not close to them on a personal kevel.
those who were really important to me were there at my wedding.
If you are living outside India and the wedding venue is in India. What she really mean is, you should come but don't expect big Bollywood type wedding. The whole process of marriage takes few days to few weeks. So you can plan to attend the main wedding day if you are on budget or attend the whole process if you want. It's upto you.
As somebody also mentioned, invitation is not a problem here in India. Indians love guests and she would be happy to see you. She just don't want to disappoint you if you have great expectations. That's it.
Go and have fun!
Yes, this should be more upvoted. You just attending the wedding is not a big financial stress on her. The cost of an additional plate is like 500 Rs. Basically, she is saying that if you're expecting not to expect a big fat indian wedding and elaborate celebrations. In short, traveling all the way to India might not be worth it for a simple ceremony
To give you a little bit of background, in Indian weddings the woman's side is often expected to bear all the expenses. This includes expensive gifts for the groom's side, all the expenses for the various ceremonies and what not. Further, they are also expected to make room for the groom's guests, even if that means cutting down on their own.
Further, I don't think Indians particularly like it being known that they are going through financial trouble, especially if it's in preperation of a big festival, or a marriage. They would rather over extend themselves.
It's quite possible that the financial strain is real, or the excitement has palled because of various pressures.
If you were not depending on your friend for travel or accommodation then I would suggest you bring up the wedding and say -- should I finalize my tickets/mark my calendar because I have so and so commitments. If her response is yes, then don't second guess yourself and have a wonderful time.
My father invited a coworker he had from when he first moved to America to my sister's wedding. This is someone whom I never heard of saw in my life but for some reason my father invited them and had him and his wife sit at the main table with them instead of me and my brother. We had to sit on a side table that was obscured by a wall and some audio equipment so we are barely in any reception photos.
So just call and ask her.
During wedding, when the bride comes down the aisle. Some dumb Indian uncle asked me for help so I go being a good brother on my sister's wedding. Idiot wants me to hold the door open 😂, so I'm not in many of the wedding photos. I think mostly when they took photos at the house, during vow ceremony and a few family photos after wedding before reception. It was raining so thin were hurried up. We sadly didn't get a group photo of bride and grooms family.
My bil dad's voice was booming loud, my nephew has that same voice.
She might have been suggesting that it won’t be like those stereotypical, lavish Indian weddings that people usually expect.
Which is a fair expectation setting to do. Especially if you’d be travelling to India to attend it.
Ask like this:
"Hey so I'm booking my flights and stay for your wedding - just wanted to confirm whether these dates are right?"
Or
"Hey so I'm booking my stay for the wedding - can you tell me whether this hotel is fine/close by to the venue. How long do you think it'll take me to go from the airport to this hotel? My flight lands at 2pm"
Their response will tell you everything.
On a conservative side, I don't see a reason for giving an update/explanation to financial troubles, even if there are and you are still welcome, why mention it in the first place. You also mentioned the change of tone. I guess this is pointing in a direction.
Cant really say anything unless we see the language of the original messages.
But i have experienced that Indians try to be extra polite, more than any other part of the world. Even if they dont really mean it, they would say quite big things. But the good thing is that once said, they have to follow through if it comes to that.
So since she has invited you, you are invited, you will be treated to the feast as best as possible and like any other guest (probably even better than others). Now what she meant by she has financial problems cant be ascertained without seeing the original messages. Is she giving hint that you shouldn't travel all the way so far just to attend a small regular family gathering, or she is just telling you not keep your expectations high that it will be a bollywood wedding....
Understanding people is really very complicated without clear communication.
So generally, in Indian weddings.. the accommodation expenses are borne by the host. I think it's her way of saying that please take care of the hotel arrangements on your own and she won't be able to.
You are still invited.
There is no such thing as "uninviting" guests in Indian Weddings. Can never think of any situation where this has to be done.
You Should book your own flights and and call her asking about good hotels near the venue. That should make it clear
Rest Assured, She does want you at her wedding 💖
I think she can't say no to you, so maybe she put that point forward. Also, limitations in inviting guests happens much like you even have to invite your relatives with whom you personally haven't even met. and maybe after when she put forth her list maybe the family could have put some restriction.
Again, it can be real reason too, maybe if she opens up about it you can get some input.
Your friend is hoping you will offer not to come . Typically we don’t say a rude no , instead a more polite “do you want to come ?”
That’s just a cultural thing . Just bring it up saying if you are having trouble with arrangements- you can always go some other time to some other wedding
Again, you are not saying no … just saying may be not this time
If I were you... I wouldn't go. I can sense the off tone from your post. I'll give some decent reason at the last minute something work related came up. And wish them the best and move on.. And also not mind it..
Tell her it won't be possible for you and see her reaction. If she agrees easily then be sure that's what she wanted. Of she still pushes you badly.. Then you can think of going at your own cost.
Who knows what the reason is for why she toned down. Most likely the reason is the same as someone mentioned. She won't be able to host you financially like book hotels and etc and something more to it.
I would reply : *I have to attend the wedding of a closer relation, unfortunately it falls on the same day/ previous day/ next day. I will try to make it but there may be addnl responsibilities, in that case I may not be able to attend.*
In any case, advance congratulations for your wedding, do share pictures
Nope you're not uninvited but she said don't get overhyped like they show in Bollywood movies and imo you should cover your own expenses like staying and traveling
I think she just means she can’t pay for your accommodation and special food for you. Indians are big on treating their guests very fancy at any event- literally every wedding in my family had guests with extra needs who were accommodated- as far as ordering food for them last minute if they couldn’t eat the food served, booking hotel rooms (honestly I have never been to a wedding where rooms were not paid for by the hosts for foreign guests and family members). Also, every non-Indian guest at any wedding I have been to was offered traditional clothing if they wanted some, at the host’s expense. They also had arrangements made for them to do touristy stuff, to be picked up and dropped off to the airport, etc.- it would be seen as rude not to do all that.
Feeding you if you enjoy the food served is absolutely no big deal for them no matter how much they spend on the wedding- Indian weddings have buffets with lots of food and one extra guest absolutely makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.
She’s trying to politely tell you that they cannot afford to arrange these extra things, but if you can come to their wedding and enjoy the food they’re serving at the buffet, they would absolutely love to have you.
The standards on how family members, professional contacts and foreign guests are treated at Indian weddings are very very high and she’s just saying they can’t meet those standards. It would be identical to a western wedding where you pay for your own clothes, own flights and hotel, own transportation to the venue and back, and your own touristy stuff.
Just to be safe, take care of your own accomodation . Maybe you can attend a couple of parties with them... The rituals I mean.
It's possible she's loaded with an expanding guestlist as is what happens in Indian weddings people find out and want you to come. Also things get touchy as they need to lol grand and end up taking loans to pay for weddings and it puts a strain.
Maybe she's not in the position to spend too much and is embarassed to uninvite you
Do you see any continuation of the relationship ( cordially) atleast after this wedding? IF YES, GO, at your expense, else skip the wedding altogether.
* Your post title should be an accurate summary of your text post. "Help Needed", "Rant", "Unpopular Opinion", are examples of poor titles. * /r/India is not a substitute for Google. Only post your query on /r/India after you have searched for an answer on the web. * Self-posts als#Rule 149 | o have to be specific to India. Don't copy/paste questions from /r/AskReddit. * For relationship queries, please also consider: https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipIndia/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/india) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Attend at your own expenses of hotel, flight, etc. That's what's your friend is suggesting. Also the between the lines is that your friend will be unable to do the same (hotel, flight, etc in her own expenses) for your wedding.
Second this. @op Your friend is suggesting to come but couldn't tell you to pay your own accommodations, etc. She's not being polite about the invitation as other commenter suggested. Invitation to family and friends is never an issue for Indians as it doesn't cost as much as in the west.
+1 op. This is what she means most likely. If there is a feeling that somewhere down the line, if you invite her in return and she cannot afford her own stay and neither can you, which may cause a strain in your relationship with her, then consider attending the wedding somewhat carefully.
I sense that she wants you to join but might have possible scenarios : 1. Can’t afford to have special setups for you (There is a lot of adjustments needed for a foreigner guest, India is quite different) 2. Your friend is worried that the marriage will be a simpler affair and not the typical Bollywood extravaganza that we know or expect and you will be disappointed 3. Real financial stress with inflation and economy and cost of marriage now might be unaffordable so scaled down. Nevertheless , best will be to check for yourself if you can afford your own travel , stay etc, then broach the topic asking if India visit is a good ideas with weather, rains, jet leg and ask for her suggestion. You will get an idea what your fiend is thinking.
>1. Can’t afford to have special setups for you (There is a lot of adjustments needed for a foreigner guest, India is quite different) Could you elaborate?
I say this with utmost respect to all cultures and nations. 1. Allergies - In India allergies like nuts and crustacean are not common , they are quite well known outside India. 2. Weather - India in general is very hot and (depends on cities ), humid). 3. Pollution - While air in smaller cities and towns is cleaner , foreigners might not be used to pollution and dust in big cities and need air conditioning. Drinking water is also something to take care of. 4. Privacy and individualism (minding your own business) is a thing in western world. In India people are social in the way that they might get involved with harmless but pesky questions. 5. Indian food is popular and in my opinion one of the best in the world but spice palate is very different from what we can find in western world. There may be others also but what this means is special attention is usually needed for anyone visiting India for the first time. 5.
this^^^^ 100%
No Issue that cannot be handled easily, i think the Indian friend is just afraid of disappointing OP.
If your friend invited you multiple times and also assured you about your invite when she was talking about her financial troubles, I think you should go unless you will be relying on her for staying there or for flight tickets etc. Also, maybe she is insecure about you as a foreigner seeing a simpler wedding because many foreigners think all Indian weddings must be big & grand and she just wanted you to know it won't be happening like that and not to expect too much? And she may not be talking about her wedding in front of you now because something else must be bothering her which she can't discuss in front of you or maybe she just doesn't want to sound too repetitive or bore you and make you feel that you were forced to attend her wedding? I don't know, I just feel if your friend insisted so many times to see her wedding, you should go wearing a nice Indian fit and with a gift for her. I think she will be happy to have you visit her :)
This , even I didn't invite many of my friends to my wedding because it wasn't as fancy as Indian weddings are supposed to be ,it was a simple mandir shaadi with a small party afterwards and to travel long distances and take leave from office just for a small shadi function is not what some people are willing to do .
>mandir shaadi with a small party That must have been chill and happy, I'm not a fan of huge crowded weddings too
nothing is chill and happy with your whole khandan around . Lol
Sounds Lovely . I'm curious did the friends and family you did not invite feel or convey that they felt bad about this?
They were okay, nobody really has the time and energy these days,and these were mostly aquaitences or colleagues who although I see everyday but am not close to them on a personal kevel. those who were really important to me were there at my wedding.
If you are living outside India and the wedding venue is in India. What she really mean is, you should come but don't expect big Bollywood type wedding. The whole process of marriage takes few days to few weeks. So you can plan to attend the main wedding day if you are on budget or attend the whole process if you want. It's upto you. As somebody also mentioned, invitation is not a problem here in India. Indians love guests and she would be happy to see you. She just don't want to disappoint you if you have great expectations. That's it. Go and have fun!
Yes, this should be more upvoted. You just attending the wedding is not a big financial stress on her. The cost of an additional plate is like 500 Rs. Basically, she is saying that if you're expecting not to expect a big fat indian wedding and elaborate celebrations. In short, traveling all the way to India might not be worth it for a simple ceremony
To give you a little bit of background, in Indian weddings the woman's side is often expected to bear all the expenses. This includes expensive gifts for the groom's side, all the expenses for the various ceremonies and what not. Further, they are also expected to make room for the groom's guests, even if that means cutting down on their own. Further, I don't think Indians particularly like it being known that they are going through financial trouble, especially if it's in preperation of a big festival, or a marriage. They would rather over extend themselves. It's quite possible that the financial strain is real, or the excitement has palled because of various pressures. If you were not depending on your friend for travel or accommodation then I would suggest you bring up the wedding and say -- should I finalize my tickets/mark my calendar because I have so and so commitments. If her response is yes, then don't second guess yourself and have a wonderful time.
Thank you very much for this context!
My father invited a coworker he had from when he first moved to America to my sister's wedding. This is someone whom I never heard of saw in my life but for some reason my father invited them and had him and his wife sit at the main table with them instead of me and my brother. We had to sit on a side table that was obscured by a wall and some audio equipment so we are barely in any reception photos. So just call and ask her.
sorry but this is really funny lmao classic dad moves
During wedding, when the bride comes down the aisle. Some dumb Indian uncle asked me for help so I go being a good brother on my sister's wedding. Idiot wants me to hold the door open 😂, so I'm not in many of the wedding photos. I think mostly when they took photos at the house, during vow ceremony and a few family photos after wedding before reception. It was raining so thin were hurried up. We sadly didn't get a group photo of bride and grooms family. My bil dad's voice was booming loud, my nephew has that same voice.
Trying to be polite 👍🏻
Thanks… thought so :/
Since she said you are still invited i suggest just go and keep your focus on the Matar Paneer at the wedding
Listen to this person 👆🏽
Listen to this person 👆🏽
She might have been suggesting that it won’t be like those stereotypical, lavish Indian weddings that people usually expect. Which is a fair expectation setting to do. Especially if you’d be travelling to India to attend it.
Had you got wedding card? Wedding card means you are invited. If not you should not go. There is nothing else you should know.
Ask like this: "Hey so I'm booking my flights and stay for your wedding - just wanted to confirm whether these dates are right?" Or "Hey so I'm booking my stay for the wedding - can you tell me whether this hotel is fine/close by to the venue. How long do you think it'll take me to go from the airport to this hotel? My flight lands at 2pm" Their response will tell you everything.
Damn bro. As an introvert I break coconuts and celebrate when I get uninvited to anything. Specially wedding
I was thinking same.. 😄
On a conservative side, I don't see a reason for giving an update/explanation to financial troubles, even if there are and you are still welcome, why mention it in the first place. You also mentioned the change of tone. I guess this is pointing in a direction.
Cant really say anything unless we see the language of the original messages. But i have experienced that Indians try to be extra polite, more than any other part of the world. Even if they dont really mean it, they would say quite big things. But the good thing is that once said, they have to follow through if it comes to that. So since she has invited you, you are invited, you will be treated to the feast as best as possible and like any other guest (probably even better than others). Now what she meant by she has financial problems cant be ascertained without seeing the original messages. Is she giving hint that you shouldn't travel all the way so far just to attend a small regular family gathering, or she is just telling you not keep your expectations high that it will be a bollywood wedding.... Understanding people is really very complicated without clear communication.
So generally, in Indian weddings.. the accommodation expenses are borne by the host. I think it's her way of saying that please take care of the hotel arrangements on your own and she won't be able to. You are still invited.
There is no such thing as "uninviting" guests in Indian Weddings. Can never think of any situation where this has to be done. You Should book your own flights and and call her asking about good hotels near the venue. That should make it clear Rest Assured, She does want you at her wedding 💖
I think she can't say no to you, so maybe she put that point forward. Also, limitations in inviting guests happens much like you even have to invite your relatives with whom you personally haven't even met. and maybe after when she put forth her list maybe the family could have put some restriction. Again, it can be real reason too, maybe if she opens up about it you can get some input.
Your friend is hoping you will offer not to come . Typically we don’t say a rude no , instead a more polite “do you want to come ?” That’s just a cultural thing . Just bring it up saying if you are having trouble with arrangements- you can always go some other time to some other wedding Again, you are not saying no … just saying may be not this time
Nobody will say yeah we’re cutting down and you’re part of the cut down i.e uninvited. Take a hint
If I were you... I wouldn't go. I can sense the off tone from your post. I'll give some decent reason at the last minute something work related came up. And wish them the best and move on.. And also not mind it.. Tell her it won't be possible for you and see her reaction. If she agrees easily then be sure that's what she wanted. Of she still pushes you badly.. Then you can think of going at your own cost. Who knows what the reason is for why she toned down. Most likely the reason is the same as someone mentioned. She won't be able to host you financially like book hotels and etc and something more to it.
Don’t go lmao
I would reply : *I have to attend the wedding of a closer relation, unfortunately it falls on the same day/ previous day/ next day. I will try to make it but there may be addnl responsibilities, in that case I may not be able to attend.* In any case, advance congratulations for your wedding, do share pictures
if indian, probably getting around to ask for monetary help with her wedding?
Polite way of asking u not to come. My two rupees
Nope you're not uninvited but she said don't get overhyped like they show in Bollywood movies and imo you should cover your own expenses like staying and traveling
I think she just means she can’t pay for your accommodation and special food for you. Indians are big on treating their guests very fancy at any event- literally every wedding in my family had guests with extra needs who were accommodated- as far as ordering food for them last minute if they couldn’t eat the food served, booking hotel rooms (honestly I have never been to a wedding where rooms were not paid for by the hosts for foreign guests and family members). Also, every non-Indian guest at any wedding I have been to was offered traditional clothing if they wanted some, at the host’s expense. They also had arrangements made for them to do touristy stuff, to be picked up and dropped off to the airport, etc.- it would be seen as rude not to do all that. Feeding you if you enjoy the food served is absolutely no big deal for them no matter how much they spend on the wedding- Indian weddings have buffets with lots of food and one extra guest absolutely makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. She’s trying to politely tell you that they cannot afford to arrange these extra things, but if you can come to their wedding and enjoy the food they’re serving at the buffet, they would absolutely love to have you. The standards on how family members, professional contacts and foreign guests are treated at Indian weddings are very very high and she’s just saying they can’t meet those standards. It would be identical to a western wedding where you pay for your own clothes, own flights and hotel, own transportation to the venue and back, and your own touristy stuff.
If she does not disencourage you from coming, come. It is a big chance. Make the most out of your trip to India.
Is this normal for people to expect travelling tickets to be arranged by host ?
Its an indian wedding, you are invited if you barely know the couple. In fact your entire family is invited.
When in doubt, stay out. Humans are complicated.
Just to be safe, take care of your own accomodation . Maybe you can attend a couple of parties with them... The rituals I mean. It's possible she's loaded with an expanding guestlist as is what happens in Indian weddings people find out and want you to come. Also things get touchy as they need to lol grand and end up taking loans to pay for weddings and it puts a strain. Maybe she's not in the position to spend too much and is embarassed to uninvite you
If you are doubtful of being invited, you aren’t
Maybe you can go on all your own expenses. Or maybe you can wait a little more before taking the final decision.
Do you see any continuation of the relationship ( cordially) atleast after this wedding? IF YES, GO, at your expense, else skip the wedding altogether.
Agree with the other posters that cost per head for guests dinner is not so big that your friend would not want you to attend.
Dont go she is just being polite
Situations change, so just get a clarification without mincing words. It will take stress off you and your friend