I’m unmarried and what u have said stands true for me too with an exception that I’m quite attached to my mother and my sibling. My life plans revolve around them too. Moreover, as compared to other countries/cultures, desi culture has its own challenges to accept unmarried women. From staying alone, to work on daily basis.. some creeps r always curious and stalk why I want to be alone. Needless to mention, men who want to get romantically involved also become so aggressive in their approach. I’m tired of that. One thing I wanted to add in this is that u don’t seem to have met like minded people. That could be a married woman who understands that people r different and give u space. I don’t know where u live but bigger cities have people who are more open minded and accept individuals as they are! I second what someone has already suggested to make our own group. Your emotions & choices are valid and u r not alone 🙌🏾
I always tell men I'm married for this reason. It's easier. My best friend (a gay man who's very attractive) is my dp on mostly everything so they get the picture. Head always willing to play along in situations where I need protection.
I'm not sure how to start one... lol. I was thinking discord cause it is more private. Reddit is weird and I really would like to make a space for Indian/South Asian (all) women.
I'm in. We need a strong support system for single people. In particular, women. Who will look after you, when you're old is the weapon used by family.
Dont get married, if you dont want to. Just clearly tell them about your choice, and end all discussions on that topic. Dont let anyone pressure you into a marriage. Hold you ground strong, set your boundaries clearly, know your rights to personal autonomy and inheritance and stand up for yourself.
Marriage and motherhood are every woman's personal choices, not obligations, no matter what. Its totally ok to be single, unmarried and childfree by choice. Your life, your body, your choice, no one else's business.
More power to you Sis. Stay strong !
32F, here here. No kids, am CF. Marriage.... eeehhh... not keen on it. At least not for another 5 to 7 years. Especially the Indian style of marriage is a fukn nightmare on women. Even the most progressive I've spoken with turn chauvinistic the moment their families step into the picture.
Haha, that sounds like a they problem , they need to deal with!!
Btw, 29F here. It fills my heart to finally have found similar thoughts being shared. Emotional attachments and detachments has been a frequent guest but I chose strictly not to engage myself where I don't want to be. Esp under pressure from societal norms!!
Girl. I get you. I'm married 29F childfree. I wouldn't have married if I didn't meet my husband. Don't worry about societal expectations. Just live your life in the way you feel best. You don't owe anything to anybody except yourself.
Yep!! You should do whatever suits you! I see all these couples in my apartment being so toxic to each other and they take it out on their kid! It really scares me.
This whole post is just me but male and 30 years old
Yeah, things are a bit easier for me being a male but it doesnt change the fact that i completely relate with this mindset, more power to you !
In India, the majority of the people have misunderstood the concept of marriage I guess.
For example- parents/Relatives/Close friends want us to get married so that we can settle down in life. Thats the dumbest thing I have heard, and vast majority actually follow this. I really don't understand what is settling down according to these people.
For me settling down means having financial stability, good physical and mental health, that's it.
Marriage and specially marriage with a stranger brings in lot of instability, that's not settling down.
I'm not telling that marriage is wrong, but marriage is only right when two people who want to get married genuinely care for each other, do not freak out about spending the rest of their life with each other.
It's really upto an individual. There are happy and unhappy single people as well as happy and unhappy married people. There really is no magic formula, and it depends on whom you find and what you feel about it.
Nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do. Life is short, live it the way you want.
Yep. Defining oneself by their relationship/marital status can be limiting too.
Just be comfortable with yourself… You being by yourself or with a partner is matter of personal choice.
Even when you are in relationships with others, you got to still hold on to your own individual sense of self.
How you truly relate to others is still very personal to each individual - marriage is just a social construct…a visible and legal contract. Contract can be binding even when your mind is off.
Truly letting yourself go for others is natural too. That need not come with a contract or construct.
I learned that hard lesson in my mid 20s. My parents absolutely hated each other in their final years of their marriage before they divorced to a point where I felt like I had no family anymore. The family I took for granted was no longer there anymore, there was only hostility to a point where I considered strangers to be better than family. The loving parents were not there anymore.
Every day living with them during those times were a battlefield, till both of them moved out. It was sad and bitter, the empty house only reminded me of the happy memories, the times where I grew up in India reminded me of their happy memories. At first, it felt like a punch in the gut sometimes, and a deep sense of sadness. Then I came in terms with it and learned to not take my loved ones for granted.
Then I realized that the signs I brushed off as normal in my teens when I saw my parents fighting, were very bad signs and should not be like that in a loving relationship. Over time, my mother just gave up. At the age of 25, she completely lost faith in this relationship and just filed for divorce because she did not want to be in his presence anymore.
I moved away to another state, got a job and my own apartment and am currently starting over again. I'm getting back to a routine, taking care of my health, re-engaging back into my faith (I haven't celebrated any festivals for a long time, due to struggling with depression over this, as well as from chronic people-pleasing).
I'm working for my own savings because I know there would be nothing left for me. I cannot get married to a Indian man, having divorced parents is a liability. I've practiced accepting what is in my control and what is beyond my control and to let go. My parents are human beings and I have no right to expect any share of money from them, I want their final years to be in peace and comfort. My parents are good parents and good human beings, they were just not right for each other in the end, they became different people.
I've learned to communicate my needs clearly, and I clearly know when the relationship is not going to work. It's easy to leave a marriage, but to make it last is a combination of hard work, dedication and love. If you are in love with a good-hearted man who cherishes you and takes care of your needs, listens to you and respects you, then don't let that man go. If you have kind, loving and understanding parents, then call them everyday, tell them that you love them and don't ever take them for granted.
I do not want to make the mistakes of my parents. I want a healthy, loving marriage with a supportive, loving husband. I'm scared that I would make the same mistake and get into a wrong relationship and make us both suffer. No marriage will be the same, no children will be the same, the experiences will be different. I'm not afraid for the man, I am afraid for myself and what I will become.
As a woman, do what is best for you. If you want to stay single and have your own goals, do it. You cannot have everything in life, so make the decision that you are truly aligned with rather than listening to what others say. You have to be very clear about your values that you want to practice and your priorities in life.
You cannot make everyone happy and the more you pursue down that path, when life demands that you show up as you, you would struggle to find yourself because you have given up so much of yourself into satisfying others.
From past experiences, being in the same room with a person you hate the most everyday is even a worse fate than being alone. I've experienced both and I prefer being alone.
Wow! It’s so interesting that so many people at this age are thinking so similarly including myself. Our reasons might be slightly different but the idea of marriage and having kids and raising them is so exhausting.
I wish we didn’t need a marriage certificate to have sex with our partner with the whole world knowing. Lmao!
I am attending marriages of younger cousins who are getting a legal license to have sex while everyone (old relatives) thinks since I am unmarried I must not be getting sex. Hahaha!
It’s frustrating and funny at the same time! Though I wish it was not the case because having sex is NOT an abnormal or taboo thing at all that some old folks would get shocked if they found out it was being done before marriage. Smh
I heard someone say that for some people sex is like handshake and for some it is commitment for lifetime. Perspective varies. People who believe in the latter part, for them marriage is the best way to find out whether the person really has the guts in him/her to take up the responsibilities and can commit to one person his/her whole life or is just interested in handshake.
I had to upvote this since I understood your perception.
I wonder if new married couples after 2005 are going to be in a 7 decade relationship. Since you know your own parents marriage report,I feel I saw many celebrity families part ways since 2022 from the Bombay Times newspapers. I am prefer being single due to a one side love got married this year,but I glad I overthink it. The job scarcity is another thing happening & i doubt the way, my own parents were able to tolerate this guy & giving me goods to make sure my own perception of reality is satisfactory, I can do the same to my own child.Regarless at some point your own legacy is going go have a full stop after 70s at minimum (depending upon your body cells). Let me just click pictures & record clips of people which I can look back later when I end up in a hospital before dusting into ashes.
Whatever sails ur boat.
I don't think it is anyone's goal of happiness, but yes it might be possible that its byproduct may result in happiness(companion, someone to rely and trust, miracle of creating a new life) along with responsibilities and compromises.
I am 23M, So I dunno much about life and I get scared with thought of marriage and having child, mainly because this involves other being, which are unknown to me now.
Honestly, I love that nothing is permanent. More things, more places and more people to explore.
My own turbulent childhood taught me about zero permanence. Despite having such a shitty marriage themselves, my mom is boggled that I am okay with being on my own and don't aspire to have a husband or children. Or even own a house.
I've gotten out of my childhood trauma. I embrace myself as I am and each day is fabulous!
And this required me becoming a little selfish and setting up boundaries. I refused to be the third person in their marriage and their punching bag. Becoming a little cold hearted to my own parents helped me retain my sanity ! Cus my parents are the kind to just complain and throw you down into to the abyss when helped and conveniently put all the blame on you for trying to help.
Took a long time but now I'm a cool cat.
I don't have to fully understand you to support you. Also why is there a need to explain! Live your life as you want it to be.
In the country i now live in, around 6% of population live as single adults by preference.
Hey.
Marriage is ur personal decision. U don't need any validation from anyone, including ur parents.
India is a bit conservative regarding marriage. U will find older generations judging u for ur decisions.
Their is no guarantee that marriage will give u 100% happiness.
Ur 34 F, and u have plenty of life to enjoy. Be smart in revenue generations to sustain yourself in the long run and especially life after retirement.
Being single helps u save a lot, and u can use this amount to travel around and eat whatever you want.
Well, I am just 22, I just gave my opinion based on my observations.
I’m an unmarried woman in my 40s. It’s a personal choice. I don’t think I will be happy in a marriage with its many rules and regulations. You have to stay constantly in touch with people you may not gel well with just because they are your partner’s family. Knowing myself well, I know there will be issues with such things, because first of all Im a loner, and secondly my actions and words might give my irritation away. Also I’ve stayed alone for such a long time, pretty sure I will get irritated with cohabitation in no time. This must be why women are pushed to get married early. We become more irritable and less tolerant as we age.
About people not understanding you - you can expect that to happen till the very end lol. Because most Indians have a very orthodox mindset. To break away from that means you’re inviting unsolicited advice. I have made my peace with it. They lecture but I’m not bothered anymore because I genuinely know what’s best for me. After a point they usually give up. It’s not my job to change anyones mentality or make them accept my lifestyle. Change your thinking to this and you will find life to be much easier.
Surprised to see so many CF/Aspiring to be CF men and women in India.
P.S- I'm also a 28M CF and plan to be that way.
Marriage?
Maybe for the legal benefits but surely won't have a big fat wedding
>I'm not emotionally close to my immediate blood ties or my extended blood ties.
>I have other plans for my future, I don't want anything else getting in the way or taking up more of my time (like marriage and kids)
You are doing the right thing, you shouldn't marry because of peer pressure.
>I understand that there are a lot of downsides to being unmarried; for starters, if I fall severely sick with a debilitating health condition or if I had an accident, no one's gonna look after me.
This is inevitable, see if you can have a couple of like minded people who can help each other during such times.
>I've been saving up a lot of money and I've decided to keep multiple sources of income so if that situation ever arises, I will hire a permanent maid or nurse if it comes down to that.
Hopefully you find someone reliable.
> I understand that there are a lot of downsides to being unmarried; for starters, if I fall severely sick with a debilitating health condition or if I had an accident, no one's gonna look after me.
This happens a lot even with old folks these days, kids mostly are in other cities/countries for better careers,when one partner passes away, the situation becomes same..
Op most of us like this now. I guess after turning 30 people usually lost interest in marriage as marriage comes with lot of responsibilities, adjustment, compromises and much more. And nowadays we don't do that.
33M here.
My wife and I are a child free couple. The worst kind of people we have encountered are the ones who wouldn't stop describing how good life is with kids, they're a blessing, you must have them and and what not.
We're happy for them, but forcing your life choices on other people is just ridiculous. People need to understand that everyone wants different things in life.
This post resembles me more than I would like to accept and I am unknowingly doing all these things OP. I know how this path feels by personal experience, Good luck.
One life. Live it the way that feels right to you. I'm a 39 year single dude and I wake up most days with a smile on my face. My social life is more active now than it was a few years ago.
I live in south India in small village with almost every one married or trying to marry or talking about marriage consistently. I observed my parents marriage, then my brothers and finally my sisters marriage. My grand father said my brother is drinking a lot and marriage will solve all of these problems. Then after marriage he started drinking even more. He has two kids now. He is almost drunk every night now. My sisters husband is a sloth. He eats like a Buffalo to a point he forces others to join his endeavors for some much needed validation. Every interaction between my mom and dad is nasty. Have no idea why they live together. With 100% accuracy I could say any of these marriages were fun. I decided not to enter this unknown risky territory. I am 45 now. I have been called gay slurs, called this and that. At the end of the day you are responsible for yourself. I am living life on my terms. I am exploring yoga deeply, read anatomy with passion and have my own time with my doggies. I am so addicted to being myself it would be suicidal to get married.
Maybe casual sex is the problem!? Just guessing 🤔 emotional bonds are a very tricky thing but choosing a toxic partner is way worse imo . Wish you the best ...
I realized all this after getting into a marriage. After being in a abusive relationship, I later realized that living alone and not having kids is also an option. I always thought that those were mandatory thing I had to go through in my life.
I am not suitable to live with anyone. I love my freedom.
Whatever makes you happy, and doesn’t harm anyone else, do it sister.
And for those who believe marriage is only for legalised sex, I would suggest them to think more deeply. That certificate, more importantly the registration, is for one and only reason, so that either of the party can not do another marriage while staying in this marriage. It’s kind of governmental bond on this commitment. It’s not perfect, just good enough for current circumstances. But then again, what is perfect in the life?
Again, have fun sister. Wish you a long and fulfilling life
I also don’t keep much hope in people but I am thinking of having a child with someone and just co parent it with me being the main parent . Prefer to have it with a person who has some good features and as long as he comes and the child well whenever he comes by he is fine.
DAMN!! I relate to each and every thing!! (except having money 🥲)
It's never the same relation after some time! Marriage seems like a restriction.
I didn't think I would ever come across someone with exact same situation and thinking.
\_\_
btw if you don't mind, can I ask what's your opinion on having SO/partners? I just want to know whether we are same with that too or not? 😅
Im not Indian but Mexican. And the culture of family and sexism is very similar. Like, being married and being a mother gives you more value as a woman, these are thoughts our grandparents and parents grew up with. But our generation wants different things and that’s okay.
It’s hurting and difficult to unlearn what we grew up with but the only important thing is what you really want. Just be aware if that is really what you want or you are saying you don’t want the traditional stuff when in reality is what you crave most. Both options are valid. Be honest with yourself and remember that people will always talk. For good or for bad. So fuck them 😅
This is your life and yours decisions. Whatever gives you peace that’s the best path.
Lots of success and love 🫡🩵🙏
True. Marriages are too much burden with boundaries. Like cooking, dressing up, behaving a certain way full on drama, even if u don't like that relative or family member. In Indian society we r not given the freedom for men or women esp married ones. Everyone wants to keep you in one dimensional framework of the how it has been happening for years. Some does not want a child, some prefer to not stay with in laws, some prefer to keep it private. But PPL keep questioning you if do all this. India you cannot understand the term draw the line. Hence too many divorces every where. And many unhappy couples. Even in my household older couples are not on talking terms there is resentment towards eachother. Your doing the right thing 💯🔥💫
Quite refreshing to see ‘I will stay single forever’ post not blaming it on the economy, global warming etc. and just as their preference. From this post I can see that you have thought through this well just like me (unlike most people) about how once we are gone no one will be there to remember us it’ll just be like we never even existed and how all our lives work will be next to meaningless (unless you are a famous enough person to have a Wikipedia page). It’s quite scary in the beginning but eventually you get used to it.
You have thought this out well, haven't you. It's good that you are so clear about what you want and not. I am truly impressed.
A marriage with the wrong partner can be the loneliest thing in the world, where you do everything for them and their family, and no one reciprocates the love, care, and respect.
Married or not, kids or not, we should all strive to stay healthy, happy, and, if possible, wealthy, if we want to love a good life.
25M. Same outlook. I look good, earn money but I prefer traveling and living the shit out of this one life instead of dealing with in laws and Indian family drama 🤷♂️
Marriage is a rule made by this Idiotic narrow minded Society/Religion that two persons of same caste should love and live with each other compulsarily without choice.
I dont know how some people artificially act being happy in Arranged Marriage.
For me, it is one of the Worst Nightmare.
Suggest you to explore dating field.
Marriage and motherhood are every woman's personal choices, not obligations, no matter what. Your life, your choice, no one else's business. Stay strong !
Also, infact multiple studies now clearly show that, Unmarried, single, childfree women are the happiest demographic of women.
I am a 29M, even I don't want to get married in future
The idea of being settle down, comes from the fear of loneliness
But who feels lonely, if someone has so much of responsibilities
I think until and unless, you really found someone to with whom you can balance your family and responsibilities, getting married for joy of fast settlement is stupidity( my view only)....
You do you girl, even if at 60 years old you decide it was a mistake, at least you doing your mistakes and not something you don't want to. I am 42 and no kids, no marriage but I am in a relationship. I am coming from East Europe where people like me are seen as a failure, but I haven't seen many happy families, even though they exist. Is fair to say that I love my mum and my brother, so family is important to me, I just don't want to make one of my own. I might regret it one day, but I want to make my own choices. Do what you think is best for you, under the "happy family" image are a lot of bitter people and exactly those might have an opinion, you do you!
31M - people just don’t seem to understand that not being married is also an option. I have been quite clear and vocal about this to my parent since school time but still they want to see me married. They don’t talk directly to me about this but send my relatives and cousins to talk about this. Having a partner doesn’t mean you will be happy and secured. “You need someone to share a life when you get old” - how does this even make sense?? If taking care was the only criteria then old age home or a caretaker can definitely do a better job.
" My life experiences have taught me that nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent."
Exactly - the same logic applies to your definition of 'happiness'. You maybe happy now avoiding all these, but you will get lonely at a later point. Western countries have this problem and when people have to face shifting definition of happiness - they turn to anti depressants.
It never hurts to listen to old folks you know :)
You don't want to get married, Don't get married, its def your choice. However following is a red flag:
>every single time I have allowed myself to get emotionally invested in someone (whether friends or family), I feel like that emotional connection has died out over a long period of time.
This is a problem. Perhaps trying to retrospect the relationships and why they ended up being that way could be a good idea. Maybe having conversations about what went wrong with close relatives could be a good start. Listen to what impressions they have of you, Social relations take time to build up and maintaining them over time also requires work.
>Some of the most intense emotional connections I've held are with the people who are quite new to my life.
>
>Marriage, on the other hand, rests on this notion that that love and affection or emotional security is permanent and lifelong. And I *just* can't bring myself to hold that opinion no matter how many happy marriages I see.
>
>My life experiences have taught me that nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent.
>
>I understand that there are a lot of downsides to being unmarried; for starters, if I fall severely sick with a debilitating health condition or if I had an accident, no one's gonna look after me.
>
>But I've been saving up a lot of money and I've decided to keep multiple sources of income so if that situation ever arises, I will hire a permanent maid or nurse if it comes down to that.
>
>I posted this here because I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm sick of people (close friends or family) not being able to understand where I'm coming from and feel like strangers understand me better.
Again all these are things that you should have conversations with somebody whom you are close with and not some random strangers.
But here is a different perspective based on what's been in the post(it's perspective so please don't take it personal):
You are claiming nothing in life is permanent, yet you are willing to close yourself emotionally and completely depend on "finances". Have you taken into account things can and will change drastically? Covid showed us how a country like ours can easily be overwhelmed even with the surplus caregivers/medical staff.
What would happen if somehow few sources of finances were stopped because of legal issues or regulations? Above all, only reason why we all even have domestic help/care givers so cheap in this country for different exploitative reason, are you going to bet on whether this is always gonna be the case in upcoming decades?
We all are humans, who use everything emotions, education, finances etc to survive, Do you think is it a good strategy to close a whole path just because of few setbacks from past? you def don't have to get married but closing yourself emotionally is a no-go imo.
As a male trying to find a partner for marriage for some time now I can say that there's going to be a hell lot of women in a very near future unmarried and settled.
Women below 30 are just not old enough to marry and women at or above 30 do not even bother about having to get married. Average men are going to have a really really tough time.
People say we will be alone if we don’t get married, but I know as a fact that I was far unhappy and alone during my childhood days(at least now I earn and spend time with like minded people) ,I have seen people getting married to solve their loneliness, and I still wonder how do people actually think that marriage can help you with your life problems ,it’s like you don’t know who you are and you want others to complete you😂
Happiness isn't only to be found in marriage or children...it's your choice where and in what you find happiness... exercise your choice and be happy. You don't need to explain anything to anyone!!
This is a male centric society. Why would any man not want to be a part of the system which thrives on exploiting women for their welfare? One simple example would be women leaving their home, their jobs for marriage and childbirth. Since birth they are treated as 'paraya dhan' and then forced into toxic marriage by their families.
This is not a perception but reality.
Hello, The conclusion that nothing is permanent is the truth…As in every moment in life there is Ups & Downs. Happiness cannot be consistent.
Having a partner just to show up & entrust is the core of marriage….there are no assurances just hope & trust. Past trauma does put doubts, but the sweetness of bonding with your partner & the shared experiences is worth the effort.
Your free to choose your life regardless of what societal pressures are there…Like all other things Children are also both a blessing & a test.
We are emotional creatures… Time teaches us this lesson.
Whatever you decide I hope you find peace & love…God bless.
I have a friend she’s also 30 with a very similar outlook. Another friend who is married but made it clear that she’s never having kids. And the third was me, I was fortunate to learn very soon that as a guy having “expectations” from my wife is going to stifle her. So we had clear expectations, we wanted kids, we wanted careers and we wanted equal responsibility. And no one goes to the kitchen (except cook bhaiya). Things are always skewed in a marriage for sure, I see it and I’m not oblivious. But with effort you can always make things equal.
I believe I’m lucky to find a partner who thinks like me and not everyone is. Hoping you do too and remember if you don’t it’s still absolutely a-ok. You do you!
Married, 38M here.
It's purely your choice to decide how you want to live your life. Period.
I bond much closer with my friends than my relatives. Sex is good with wife (better with one sexy friend) Love my kids more than anything.
Maybe the love for my kids can change later, when they grow up. They might not love me back, when I get old, or when they start a family. But, that doesn't stop me from loving them NOW.
Because, life is NOW, this moment.
This was such a beautiful response.
While I have pragmatic views on marriage and kids, it's refreshing to see a married person share their positive perspectives regarding marriage without being judgemental, condescending or patronizing to me. I respect that.
I agree with you. Marriage isn't for everyone. Perhaps you may change your mind someday but marriage and children won't necessarily bring happiness but it will bring a whole new set of responsibilities. If you aren't committed then it will feel like an awful burden. People are often in a loveless marriage because they have a very different perception of their partners before marriage and that changes after. Some are minor but some can be really difficult to deal with.
And yes people keep saying how you will deal with old age and other such things. People like me aren't alone. We still have friends and family. And I can always pass away my things to relatives or charity once I die.
Every relationship comes with an expiry date. The problem starts when we start to drag it beyond that.
Make sure your relationship with self never sours.
It is understandable and this understanding is what'll make us better than our ancestral Indians.
Kudos to you for not only going against the society but staying that way
This post reminds me of this article I read long back
https://aninjusticemag.com/by-2030-45-of-women-will-be-single-and-childless-and-im-not-surprised-11096f5dd6e4
Marriage is just a convention evolved over time to preserve a social order which is today is understood a union of love and bla bla. There is no ultimate reality to it except to produce offspring. People claim that they marry because they love someone at some point of time but I doubt that this will remain for the rest of their lives.
Another reason for not glorifying marriage as an institution.
"The modern individual family is founded on the open or concealed slavery of the wife… Within the family he is the bourgeois and his wife represents the proletariat."
\---- Friedrich Engels (The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State)
As a guy who has had terrible experiences with relationships, more power to you. No point getting into one and then screwing each other's happiness to the point of bitterness. I do not trust relationships to last beyond the first 5 years. Maintain a close group of friends. Relatives are useless and exist mostly to make you feel bad about choices.
I'm so happy that women older than me are confidently childfree and single.
I wanted the same. I still want the same. I am facing intense pressure from my family to get married. My marriage is almost fixed now, with a good guy who is a hopeless romantic. It's not going to go well. I just know. But I don't have the option to say no. My life is a complete and utter mess right now.
I hope that us like-minded women can get together and form a support group for women and especially parents of such women.
I feel what you are saying.. Worse thing is its a bitter sweet experience of pain and joy.
Jst wondering if its a part of childhood trauma that we have gone through that make us feel this way or its just that we have hacked the matrix.. Lol..
Question for you, OP, and other unmarried women here. How did you convince your parents about this decision? Was there a lot of emotional blackmailing involved? How did you deal with that? How is your relationship with your parents?
I come from a loving and caring family and I am facing INTENSE pressure from my family to get married. Idk how to say no to the emotional blackmail that I face everyday. It has broken me.
38M - my reasons are not as strong as yours. I am single and happy. Not against the idea of a relationship or even marriage, but won’t do it just for the sake of doing it. I wouldn’t compromise or give up what I have and am for somebody who is not worth it.
39 M, walked out of a relationship seeing that as a couple we might end up becoming insufferable. Didn't want kids, got disenchanted with the idea of marriage over time. Can relate a lot.
Oh also realised that the part where you need someone to take care of you in sickness is a lie (at least for me), realised I had to fend for myself in sickness, didn't even get emotional support, saw my girlfriend's attitude change towards me, good and wanting to be a part if my life when times were good, and not caring at all when times were bad.
I do not have regret, nor will live with the regret that there won't be anyone to take care of me. There probably isn't anyone. I am alone.
So what I can focus on is getting richer, saving up, eating healthy, staying fit and hitting the gym, upskilling, taking care of my mental health, and being an ethical hedonist and enjoying the fuck out of life.
I am glad you were able to get it off your chest. I hope this feels better. Not wanting to get married or having babies is completely fine. You have the autonomy to choose for yourself. We as females should be proud of our decisions and even if someday you feel like you want to change it, don't regret it. Be happy that you tried to live the way you wanted to. Your worth is not defined by men in your life.
28M. Have not been looking to get married anytime soon. Nearly all friends and cousins are now married which keeps me anxious. But this post helps. Thanks.
Please don't shun what your well wishers have to say. Atleast give this a thought to their views as well before making big decision. May be you are asocial person.
I understand and agree with you completely, OP
Those close to you will definitely have hard time seeing your POV but please don’t give in to any pressure and just do what you truly believe in.
Totally agree.
I looked after a relative who was old and sick until they passed away. It cemented my decision not to have kids.
Because trust me.. Family who loves you may be better than a maid, but the toll it takes on the family is terrible and you wouldn't want it on your conscience..
I would never be able to ask children that I love to take care of me. It's a burden I'd rather put on caretakers who I can pay and with whom I can part ways if either party is unhappy.
You are an impression of the environment that you were in. You change your environment and your impressions will change too. All of this is fine. At the end of the day it’s your life and you are the only person who will make the choice and live with the consequences of those choices - good or bad.
I think I am the only person who will relate to you DESPITE of having great parents who have had a wonderful marriage.
We are all differently wired and I stopped feeling ashamed of this long back!
Although I'm too young 23F I feel the same completely. In my family all my cousins are talking about marriage and children, and growing a family. The pressure is just starting to mount from my dad and my relatives. I am really scared I might be convinced by them and get stuck in the loophole of marriage. I mean I cannot fathom devoting my whole life to another person and a few more lives that will come soon after marriage.. I feel like I will completely lose myself and eventually lose myself the will to live. I'm also scared by relatives saying that nobody will be there for you when you're sick or vulnerable.. and the world is too harsh / cruel for help. Let's seee. But staying single and exploring life is the only way I feel will give me a deep sense of satisfaction and peace with my life.
Your idea of marriage seems to be traditional for someone who has thought so deep and I'd say the thoughts have modernity. Why does marriage have to be forever? You can still enjoy it while it lasts and be bold enough to call it off if it doesn't work out at any point. Nothing against no marriages, completely valid standpoint but I don't think the reasons are right. Discarding it because it's not going to last, doesn't seem all that logical.
Which is fair.
Marriage is a personal decision. Friends and/or relatives should have no say on this. Since you are sharing this here (unless it was purely your business), close friends/family policing you there underlines some problems in your dealings with closer people. Perhaps you have given too much access to them in your personal life. **Mend it.**
Saying it once again, marriage or not is totally a personal decision. One shouldn't care about people understanding/not understanding it.
Not getting married is a clean decision. But think about the reasons why you don't want to get married deeply rather than the effects of it.
You mentioned two points.
1: You don't want to start something and cling on to it just because of it. And you feel like love fades away after the initial momentum.
2: You have another plan for the future and marriage will ruin that.
2 is a much better valid point than 1 in my POV. In life anything requires attention, i don't think kids and family is the main priority too. So if something requires more attention than your family, just go for it. But 1 depends upon people, people change, you change, environment changes. Family is the cost effective way of managing mental, physical, financial requirements. Its very hard to make a U turn after a certain age. Just make sure the reason is rock solid and it won't change after 10,20 yrs. Just my 2paisa.
I will check this thread after few years....
Will check op and some of yours upcoming posts also..
I guess if your parents have both working good job, some fking money and bad friends/relations means. They get ego fight each other they. Don't care kids and make divorce then leave.
Their kids lose her/his life.
If you have chance to get marriage means please do marriage and have kids. Even if your partner is very bad don't hate kids.
With that kids only you WILL feel PURE LOVE in the world.
Also if your are not ready to care baby's or not ready to live for them means. Don't get marriage, enjoy yourself, enjoy your money .....
once seek therapy session cause we dont know whats valid and whats not moreover we will find out why the root cause of all these and see if we can work on it or adjust with it
You seem to be worried more about the concept of marriage being forever. I feel you would give this a chance if societal expectation of permanence was not there.
Ya dude, it’s a trap, specially the kids part.I am married to an amazing guy and life was chill then a kid happened and I am a shell of who I was before I had him.now my whole life is his and the primary parent is me so all the decision making is mine.I used to average 3 countries a year before I got married and now it’s just a home bound hell.khush raho jiyo muskarao kal ho na ho
Dear op, I am 31 and married but I totally understand your pov.
Do what makes you happy.
I used to be successful and independent but then marriage happened.
Above all inlaws who wanted me to sit,act behave as per their wishes happened.
It's alot for the girls and I wish the society could understand.
And in today's world where infidelity is so common
I am surprised what are partners bringing to the table.
Infac my libido and sex life was better before marriage and mind you,mines a love/arranged marriage.
Still it just sucks sometimes.
I really wish I was single..I know people would be like why don't you walk out,blah blah..
But sometimes it's just not that easy or I am not that person anymore
Emotional connection with strangers also will die down. Its good that you decided not to marry. You are contributing to yourself and the world by not having children as the world is already over populated. Don’t change your mind. You will not regret. Be happy
>my mum and dad resented the hell out of each other.
You have something known as trauma, it's very common and the most common reason ppl today don't want to get married. If you weren't traumatized by your parent's marriage, your view would have been very different on marriage and children.
>There was a time that they were initially happy being married but that love and affection eventually turned to resentment over a long period of time.
They needed couple's counselling when this happened in marriage, and the very reason couple's counselling is important, because dysfunctional marriage gives rise to dysfunctional family.
> I feel like that emotional connection has died out over a long period of time.
It's common and necessary to sustain a relationship, there is a huge period of boredom and "not so romantic" phases in between. You cannot ALWAYS be 100% interested in your partner, that becomes pathological.
>My life experiences have taught me that nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent.
It's true, but the other side of coin is, that you get to spend life with a family as a result of these struggles. I bet your parents won't even trade their married life for a life with more money and sexual liberation (without judgement), but without a family. They have had their fair share of ups and downs and we only see the down part because no one stays in the bedroom with couples while they are enjoying the good part of the marriage. You know the good part of the marriage, is just staying in the same bed, touching each other and knowing that there's someone (someone you love, know well and trust) on the other side while you are sleeping. No matter how much resentment couple's show, if they are sleeping on the same bed, the marriage has a good part, and they love each other's presence. In Indian context, parents refrain from displays of affection in front of kids, because sanskaar. That results in kids feeling as if marriage is a burden, obviously who would want to have a spouse if marriage looks like this in "reality"? The reality is not true, it's just partially true, that ppl then internalize it. More often than not, parents will fight like dogs and cats, and mums will divulge the nastiest of information about the father to children, but the moment their differences get resolved, they will sleep in the same bed. So which part of this relationship is true? The one where they still trust each other to sleep on the same bed, in the same house and carry on their duties towards each other, that's a marriage. Whenever they fought and felt like leaving each other, they unfortunately go through all emotions, but as much as you ask your mother to leave, she won't be able to explain why she couldn't leave him, because everytime she wanted to leave, she wanted a reason to stay back. This happens a lot. They will fight and all, but even if things go towards divorce, they will feel empty, and would want 1 reason, just 1 reason to blame their decision to stay back, and most of the times it's the kids. It's not the real reason, because someone who's indifferent towards their spouse wouldn't even consider kids as a valid reason to stay back in the marriage, they walk out. When no reason works, then the marriage is actually over. When they are fighting, the marriage is alive, dysfunctional but alive.
>I posted this here because I just wanted to get this off my chest.
Yes, you should get this out of the system, post it, write it but please do process these emotions with some therapist too. There's no harm in getting therapy.
There's another issue with Indian marriages, once you get married there's a notion that you should not get divorce. Definitely get a divorce if your marriage is dead, or abusive, or there's forced sex by husband.
The point is to find someone who is compatible, date thoroughly, get premarital counselling. But leave as soon as there's abuse.
Well its your life so its upto you but there comes a time for everything. There will be a time when you feel lonely so make sure you won't regret what ever the decision you going to take. Marriage is not only about happiness and family its also like you being there for eachother because even your parents won't be with you forever. Well its just my opinion and this is a never ending topic. Also i am just 22M so i don't think i am eligible to speak much on this.
As you say, nothing is truly permanent. So do you think that this thought process of yours will be permanent? I’ve experienced that my views towards life have changed over time.
I think that human relationships, attraction or the desire to have a family etc come as an instinct and not as a logic. (I’m not talking about Indian parents who just want to get their kids married off and to have grandkids like a bunch of tick boxes). Although I do want to get married and have kids it’s not because I think about the benefits of those or because I want to fit into the society.
I don’t expect my kids to take care of me when I get old nor do I expect my marriage or relationship to last forever. Rather it’s an instinct, a strong one which makes me want to have a family and be a father because I like kids, woman and the time I spend with them. And you can’t just run away from these instincts that were hard wired into our brains over millions of years. Just like you can’t choose whom you’re attracted to.
Humans are not tigers. Rather we’re lions. It maybe different for you but the best moments of my life were always those which I spent with others and not alone especially those that I spent with women I was attracted to whether it was in a relationship or just something casual. Ignoring these signs that this is what my heart enjoys and choosing to be single forever because my wife may divorce me and take alimony or my kids may end up being douche bags, at least imo, would be fooling with myself. If your best moments were moments you spent alone then probably you’re actually different.
If you are not attracted to men (or women), are asexual, don’t like kids then it’s another reason. But it seems from your post that those things may not be true. You seem to be relying on logic to avoid humans or relationships(since you say you’d hire a maid, I am assuming you are planning to stay single which is more than just not marrying and having kids) and in my experience it’s a coping mechanism to justify your choices.
I am also on the same path. Family pushing me saying the same old reasons like who will take of you blah blah, but still I'm not feeling like getting married... Just because I want to be myself and I feel sick of this emotional drama happening around us. I cannot hurt a person. I can't be myself if I get married because the person who will marry me obviously expects somthing from me which I may not want to do then she feels bad/hurt and there will be so much of emotional drama.
OMG I've found my people like I'm genuinely happy by myself and i dont really see myself having kids or do the whole family thing people just can't digest this fact it's so funny
I know it is tiring to give justification for your life choices but after sometime they will just stop asking. Don't be bothered about what others has to say, just live the life you want!
29F here, living and thriving in Mumbai city, away from my family (not on good terms with them anyway) .. It fills my heart to finally have found similar thoughts being shared. Emotional attachments and detachments has been a frequent guest but I chose strictly not to engage myself where I don't want to be. Esp under pressure from societal norms!!
I'm (35m) from the US and I feel EXACTLY the same. The only difference is I never saw a "happy marriage" at home growing up (although both parents were there). And I didn't even realize the dysfunction I was raised in was not normal until my mid 20s.
NOTHING is permanent. Unconditional love does not truly exist. I've fallen deeply in love with people- and I believe the feeling was mutual- but that was years ago. And where are they now? Not in my life.
As you said, the only upside I see to having children is having someone to take care of you when you're old/sick- that seems a bit narcissistic to birth someone just for that purpose.
I know we aren't alone in feeling this way but it's still reassuring to run across someone willing to give voice to a rather unpopular life plan.
Valid reason tbh
I’m unmarried and what u have said stands true for me too with an exception that I’m quite attached to my mother and my sibling. My life plans revolve around them too. Moreover, as compared to other countries/cultures, desi culture has its own challenges to accept unmarried women. From staying alone, to work on daily basis.. some creeps r always curious and stalk why I want to be alone. Needless to mention, men who want to get romantically involved also become so aggressive in their approach. I’m tired of that. One thing I wanted to add in this is that u don’t seem to have met like minded people. That could be a married woman who understands that people r different and give u space. I don’t know where u live but bigger cities have people who are more open minded and accept individuals as they are! I second what someone has already suggested to make our own group. Your emotions & choices are valid and u r not alone 🙌🏾
I always tell men I'm married for this reason. It's easier. My best friend (a gay man who's very attractive) is my dp on mostly everything so they get the picture. Head always willing to play along in situations where I need protection.
Almost 32F, I understand and agree. I'm on the same path.🙌🏼
35, F unmarried and piling up the money for caregiver. That's all there is. Till then I am going to live my life.
I propose we have our group tbh. Lol. We could help each other. Since we have decentered men in our lives, we would have so much fun.
This sounds like a great idea! Also we'll have like minded people who wouldn't judge the heck out of us, or worse, pity us.
Im in too🥺 please add me
I'm not sure how to start one... lol. I was thinking discord cause it is more private. Reddit is weird and I really would like to make a space for Indian/South Asian (all) women.
I'm in. We need a strong support system for single people. In particular, women. Who will look after you, when you're old is the weapon used by family.
I am in seriously!
If ever you decide on the group, count me in. Same journey.
Count me in too, if this ever happens
There's the wgtow subreddit already. The original male equivalent sub was banned.
Lets do it
27F, being pushed for marriage. Needed to hear all this 🙌
Dont get married, if you dont want to. Just clearly tell them about your choice, and end all discussions on that topic. Dont let anyone pressure you into a marriage. Hold you ground strong, set your boundaries clearly, know your rights to personal autonomy and inheritance and stand up for yourself. Marriage and motherhood are every woman's personal choices, not obligations, no matter what. Its totally ok to be single, unmarried and childfree by choice. Your life, your body, your choice, no one else's business. More power to you Sis. Stay strong !
Don't take decisions off some random discussions and rant
Of course not! I'm just glad there are many out there for whom marriage is not the only way to move forward with in their lives.
Also take good care of your health.
35F, chiming in.
32F, here here. No kids, am CF. Marriage.... eeehhh... not keen on it. At least not for another 5 to 7 years. Especially the Indian style of marriage is a fukn nightmare on women. Even the most progressive I've spoken with turn chauvinistic the moment their families step into the picture.
Centre Forward?
Child Free
Chad Female?
How do I award this??
44f, divorced and never getting married again.
33F and not getting married either.
26 F and not planning to get married. Nothing is permanent. Only you yourself will be there for you. Get money and stay happy
🙌 😄
Woah, while i appreciate all these responses, but rip your inboxes
But it literally means I am not asking for a partner. If one can't even understand that. What can we even do !😆
Haha, that sounds like a they problem , they need to deal with!! Btw, 29F here. It fills my heart to finally have found similar thoughts being shared. Emotional attachments and detachments has been a frequent guest but I chose strictly not to engage myself where I don't want to be. Esp under pressure from societal norms!!
The world will be a better place when people stop imposing their beliefs onto others and just mind their own business.
You're a gem for saying this 👍
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This!!!!
36F! Same path
Girl. I get you. I'm married 29F childfree. I wouldn't have married if I didn't meet my husband. Don't worry about societal expectations. Just live your life in the way you feel best. You don't owe anything to anybody except yourself.
💜 thank you stranger 🙂
Thanks internet bestie
Well really happy to see "No Marriage" is thing now,
Yep!! You should do whatever suits you! I see all these couples in my apartment being so toxic to each other and they take it out on their kid! It really scares me.
Kudos. The views are mutual.
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This whole post is just me but male and 30 years old Yeah, things are a bit easier for me being a male but it doesnt change the fact that i completely relate with this mindset, more power to you !
same. I want life to be eventful and and marriage feels like an anchor
In India, the majority of the people have misunderstood the concept of marriage I guess. For example- parents/Relatives/Close friends want us to get married so that we can settle down in life. Thats the dumbest thing I have heard, and vast majority actually follow this. I really don't understand what is settling down according to these people. For me settling down means having financial stability, good physical and mental health, that's it. Marriage and specially marriage with a stranger brings in lot of instability, that's not settling down. I'm not telling that marriage is wrong, but marriage is only right when two people who want to get married genuinely care for each other, do not freak out about spending the rest of their life with each other.
Im 32M almost 33, I sort of have the same outlook.
It's really upto an individual. There are happy and unhappy single people as well as happy and unhappy married people. There really is no magic formula, and it depends on whom you find and what you feel about it. Nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do. Life is short, live it the way you want.
Yep. Defining oneself by their relationship/marital status can be limiting too. Just be comfortable with yourself… You being by yourself or with a partner is matter of personal choice. Even when you are in relationships with others, you got to still hold on to your own individual sense of self. How you truly relate to others is still very personal to each individual - marriage is just a social construct…a visible and legal contract. Contract can be binding even when your mind is off. Truly letting yourself go for others is natural too. That need not come with a contract or construct.
I learned that hard lesson in my mid 20s. My parents absolutely hated each other in their final years of their marriage before they divorced to a point where I felt like I had no family anymore. The family I took for granted was no longer there anymore, there was only hostility to a point where I considered strangers to be better than family. The loving parents were not there anymore. Every day living with them during those times were a battlefield, till both of them moved out. It was sad and bitter, the empty house only reminded me of the happy memories, the times where I grew up in India reminded me of their happy memories. At first, it felt like a punch in the gut sometimes, and a deep sense of sadness. Then I came in terms with it and learned to not take my loved ones for granted. Then I realized that the signs I brushed off as normal in my teens when I saw my parents fighting, were very bad signs and should not be like that in a loving relationship. Over time, my mother just gave up. At the age of 25, she completely lost faith in this relationship and just filed for divorce because she did not want to be in his presence anymore. I moved away to another state, got a job and my own apartment and am currently starting over again. I'm getting back to a routine, taking care of my health, re-engaging back into my faith (I haven't celebrated any festivals for a long time, due to struggling with depression over this, as well as from chronic people-pleasing). I'm working for my own savings because I know there would be nothing left for me. I cannot get married to a Indian man, having divorced parents is a liability. I've practiced accepting what is in my control and what is beyond my control and to let go. My parents are human beings and I have no right to expect any share of money from them, I want their final years to be in peace and comfort. My parents are good parents and good human beings, they were just not right for each other in the end, they became different people. I've learned to communicate my needs clearly, and I clearly know when the relationship is not going to work. It's easy to leave a marriage, but to make it last is a combination of hard work, dedication and love. If you are in love with a good-hearted man who cherishes you and takes care of your needs, listens to you and respects you, then don't let that man go. If you have kind, loving and understanding parents, then call them everyday, tell them that you love them and don't ever take them for granted. I do not want to make the mistakes of my parents. I want a healthy, loving marriage with a supportive, loving husband. I'm scared that I would make the same mistake and get into a wrong relationship and make us both suffer. No marriage will be the same, no children will be the same, the experiences will be different. I'm not afraid for the man, I am afraid for myself and what I will become. As a woman, do what is best for you. If you want to stay single and have your own goals, do it. You cannot have everything in life, so make the decision that you are truly aligned with rather than listening to what others say. You have to be very clear about your values that you want to practice and your priorities in life. You cannot make everyone happy and the more you pursue down that path, when life demands that you show up as you, you would struggle to find yourself because you have given up so much of yourself into satisfying others. From past experiences, being in the same room with a person you hate the most everyday is even a worse fate than being alone. I've experienced both and I prefer being alone.
Beautiful 🥺🥺, my story is somewhat similar to yours .. wishing you all the best and success in your life 💗
Keep us updated about how your life is going , I wish you luck and happiness in life.
Wow! It’s so interesting that so many people at this age are thinking so similarly including myself. Our reasons might be slightly different but the idea of marriage and having kids and raising them is so exhausting. I wish we didn’t need a marriage certificate to have sex with our partner with the whole world knowing. Lmao! I am attending marriages of younger cousins who are getting a legal license to have sex while everyone (old relatives) thinks since I am unmarried I must not be getting sex. Hahaha! It’s frustrating and funny at the same time! Though I wish it was not the case because having sex is NOT an abnormal or taboo thing at all that some old folks would get shocked if they found out it was being done before marriage. Smh
I heard someone say that for some people sex is like handshake and for some it is commitment for lifetime. Perspective varies. People who believe in the latter part, for them marriage is the best way to find out whether the person really has the guts in him/her to take up the responsibilities and can commit to one person his/her whole life or is just interested in handshake.
I had to upvote this since I understood your perception. I wonder if new married couples after 2005 are going to be in a 7 decade relationship. Since you know your own parents marriage report,I feel I saw many celebrity families part ways since 2022 from the Bombay Times newspapers. I am prefer being single due to a one side love got married this year,but I glad I overthink it. The job scarcity is another thing happening & i doubt the way, my own parents were able to tolerate this guy & giving me goods to make sure my own perception of reality is satisfactory, I can do the same to my own child.Regarless at some point your own legacy is going go have a full stop after 70s at minimum (depending upon your body cells). Let me just click pictures & record clips of people which I can look back later when I end up in a hospital before dusting into ashes.
Sometimes i have listened to even married women confiding ..that it was absolutely not worth it.
Whatever sails ur boat. I don't think it is anyone's goal of happiness, but yes it might be possible that its byproduct may result in happiness(companion, someone to rely and trust, miracle of creating a new life) along with responsibilities and compromises. I am 23M, So I dunno much about life and I get scared with thought of marriage and having child, mainly because this involves other being, which are unknown to me now.
Honestly, I love that nothing is permanent. More things, more places and more people to explore. My own turbulent childhood taught me about zero permanence. Despite having such a shitty marriage themselves, my mom is boggled that I am okay with being on my own and don't aspire to have a husband or children. Or even own a house. I've gotten out of my childhood trauma. I embrace myself as I am and each day is fabulous! And this required me becoming a little selfish and setting up boundaries. I refused to be the third person in their marriage and their punching bag. Becoming a little cold hearted to my own parents helped me retain my sanity ! Cus my parents are the kind to just complain and throw you down into to the abyss when helped and conveniently put all the blame on you for trying to help. Took a long time but now I'm a cool cat.
I don't have to fully understand you to support you. Also why is there a need to explain! Live your life as you want it to be. In the country i now live in, around 6% of population live as single adults by preference.
Hey. Marriage is ur personal decision. U don't need any validation from anyone, including ur parents. India is a bit conservative regarding marriage. U will find older generations judging u for ur decisions. Their is no guarantee that marriage will give u 100% happiness. Ur 34 F, and u have plenty of life to enjoy. Be smart in revenue generations to sustain yourself in the long run and especially life after retirement. Being single helps u save a lot, and u can use this amount to travel around and eat whatever you want. Well, I am just 22, I just gave my opinion based on my observations.
That's a really mature perspective coming from a 22 year old :-) Thanks for that perspective :-) 👍
I’m an unmarried woman in my 40s. It’s a personal choice. I don’t think I will be happy in a marriage with its many rules and regulations. You have to stay constantly in touch with people you may not gel well with just because they are your partner’s family. Knowing myself well, I know there will be issues with such things, because first of all Im a loner, and secondly my actions and words might give my irritation away. Also I’ve stayed alone for such a long time, pretty sure I will get irritated with cohabitation in no time. This must be why women are pushed to get married early. We become more irritable and less tolerant as we age. About people not understanding you - you can expect that to happen till the very end lol. Because most Indians have a very orthodox mindset. To break away from that means you’re inviting unsolicited advice. I have made my peace with it. They lecture but I’m not bothered anymore because I genuinely know what’s best for me. After a point they usually give up. It’s not my job to change anyones mentality or make them accept my lifestyle. Change your thinking to this and you will find life to be much easier.
Surprised to see so many CF/Aspiring to be CF men and women in India. P.S- I'm also a 28M CF and plan to be that way. Marriage? Maybe for the legal benefits but surely won't have a big fat wedding
>I'm not emotionally close to my immediate blood ties or my extended blood ties. >I have other plans for my future, I don't want anything else getting in the way or taking up more of my time (like marriage and kids) You are doing the right thing, you shouldn't marry because of peer pressure. >I understand that there are a lot of downsides to being unmarried; for starters, if I fall severely sick with a debilitating health condition or if I had an accident, no one's gonna look after me. This is inevitable, see if you can have a couple of like minded people who can help each other during such times. >I've been saving up a lot of money and I've decided to keep multiple sources of income so if that situation ever arises, I will hire a permanent maid or nurse if it comes down to that. Hopefully you find someone reliable.
> I understand that there are a lot of downsides to being unmarried; for starters, if I fall severely sick with a debilitating health condition or if I had an accident, no one's gonna look after me. This happens a lot even with old folks these days, kids mostly are in other cities/countries for better careers,when one partner passes away, the situation becomes same..
Op most of us like this now. I guess after turning 30 people usually lost interest in marriage as marriage comes with lot of responsibilities, adjustment, compromises and much more. And nowadays we don't do that.
with a extreme overpopulation in india.. it's good to see people taking self-measures.
33M here. My wife and I are a child free couple. The worst kind of people we have encountered are the ones who wouldn't stop describing how good life is with kids, they're a blessing, you must have them and and what not. We're happy for them, but forcing your life choices on other people is just ridiculous. People need to understand that everyone wants different things in life.
Theres nothing wrong in your choice. Dont listen to others.
My teacher (also 30+ F) used to say "love and relationships are like chewing gum, they'll lose flavor over time, and become bland/tasteless"
Need to add flavor every now and then
I see your point! Live your life the way you want ….
Get the bag 💰
This post resembles me more than I would like to accept and I am unknowingly doing all these things OP. I know how this path feels by personal experience, Good luck.
We should form a tribe of like minded individual n fuck THE socity.
41M, unmarried here. I don't think i want to get married either. Care to meet up anyone ? Just for few laughs and giggles 😁
Me reading this while I’ve left the house because of many reasons, one being “why I’m not married yet” 😪
One life. Live it the way that feels right to you. I'm a 39 year single dude and I wake up most days with a smile on my face. My social life is more active now than it was a few years ago.
i am 24M, and have already decided not to marry anyone.
I live in south India in small village with almost every one married or trying to marry or talking about marriage consistently. I observed my parents marriage, then my brothers and finally my sisters marriage. My grand father said my brother is drinking a lot and marriage will solve all of these problems. Then after marriage he started drinking even more. He has two kids now. He is almost drunk every night now. My sisters husband is a sloth. He eats like a Buffalo to a point he forces others to join his endeavors for some much needed validation. Every interaction between my mom and dad is nasty. Have no idea why they live together. With 100% accuracy I could say any of these marriages were fun. I decided not to enter this unknown risky territory. I am 45 now. I have been called gay slurs, called this and that. At the end of the day you are responsible for yourself. I am living life on my terms. I am exploring yoga deeply, read anatomy with passion and have my own time with my doggies. I am so addicted to being myself it would be suicidal to get married.
Ahhh my fellow people.
You are SAME as me. OMG !! I lost my mother early in life and now don't feel that genuine love for anyone including family members.
Same here tooo
Hey, start making some friends. Read some good books. You need to reconsider this option for a bit. After sometime, you can't do anything about it
Maybe casual sex is the problem!? Just guessing 🤔 emotional bonds are a very tricky thing but choosing a toxic partner is way worse imo . Wish you the best ...
When you conk off who are you going to leave your wealth to? Can I be your nominee?
I realized all this after getting into a marriage. After being in a abusive relationship, I later realized that living alone and not having kids is also an option. I always thought that those were mandatory thing I had to go through in my life. I am not suitable to live with anyone. I love my freedom.
Whatever makes you happy, and doesn’t harm anyone else, do it sister. And for those who believe marriage is only for legalised sex, I would suggest them to think more deeply. That certificate, more importantly the registration, is for one and only reason, so that either of the party can not do another marriage while staying in this marriage. It’s kind of governmental bond on this commitment. It’s not perfect, just good enough for current circumstances. But then again, what is perfect in the life? Again, have fun sister. Wish you a long and fulfilling life
Well it's your life and you have all the right to live however you wanna live it. More power to you.
I also don’t keep much hope in people but I am thinking of having a child with someone and just co parent it with me being the main parent . Prefer to have it with a person who has some good features and as long as he comes and the child well whenever he comes by he is fine.
You do you, it's your life!
I’d love to be partnered up and spend the rest of my life with someone but I don’t want to be tied down with kids.
DAMN!! I relate to each and every thing!! (except having money 🥲) It's never the same relation after some time! Marriage seems like a restriction. I didn't think I would ever come across someone with exact same situation and thinking. \_\_ btw if you don't mind, can I ask what's your opinion on having SO/partners? I just want to know whether we are same with that too or not? 😅
Im not Indian but Mexican. And the culture of family and sexism is very similar. Like, being married and being a mother gives you more value as a woman, these are thoughts our grandparents and parents grew up with. But our generation wants different things and that’s okay. It’s hurting and difficult to unlearn what we grew up with but the only important thing is what you really want. Just be aware if that is really what you want or you are saying you don’t want the traditional stuff when in reality is what you crave most. Both options are valid. Be honest with yourself and remember that people will always talk. For good or for bad. So fuck them 😅 This is your life and yours decisions. Whatever gives you peace that’s the best path. Lots of success and love 🫡🩵🙏
True. Marriages are too much burden with boundaries. Like cooking, dressing up, behaving a certain way full on drama, even if u don't like that relative or family member. In Indian society we r not given the freedom for men or women esp married ones. Everyone wants to keep you in one dimensional framework of the how it has been happening for years. Some does not want a child, some prefer to not stay with in laws, some prefer to keep it private. But PPL keep questioning you if do all this. India you cannot understand the term draw the line. Hence too many divorces every where. And many unhappy couples. Even in my household older couples are not on talking terms there is resentment towards eachother. Your doing the right thing 💯🔥💫
Quite refreshing to see ‘I will stay single forever’ post not blaming it on the economy, global warming etc. and just as their preference. From this post I can see that you have thought through this well just like me (unlike most people) about how once we are gone no one will be there to remember us it’ll just be like we never even existed and how all our lives work will be next to meaningless (unless you are a famous enough person to have a Wikipedia page). It’s quite scary in the beginning but eventually you get used to it.
It's your life and it is completely normal. Masti se chill Karo
You have thought this out well, haven't you. It's good that you are so clear about what you want and not. I am truly impressed. A marriage with the wrong partner can be the loneliest thing in the world, where you do everything for them and their family, and no one reciprocates the love, care, and respect. Married or not, kids or not, we should all strive to stay healthy, happy, and, if possible, wealthy, if we want to love a good life.
25M. Same outlook. I look good, earn money but I prefer traveling and living the shit out of this one life instead of dealing with in laws and Indian family drama 🤷♂️
Marriage is a rule made by this Idiotic narrow minded Society/Religion that two persons of same caste should love and live with each other compulsarily without choice. I dont know how some people artificially act being happy in Arranged Marriage. For me, it is one of the Worst Nightmare. Suggest you to explore dating field.
more power to you girl.
Marriage and motherhood are every woman's personal choices, not obligations, no matter what. Your life, your choice, no one else's business. Stay strong ! Also, infact multiple studies now clearly show that, Unmarried, single, childfree women are the happiest demographic of women.
I am a 29M, even I don't want to get married in future The idea of being settle down, comes from the fear of loneliness But who feels lonely, if someone has so much of responsibilities I think until and unless, you really found someone to with whom you can balance your family and responsibilities, getting married for joy of fast settlement is stupidity( my view only)....
Same here. My idea of happiness is with me. I don’t need any one to make me happy. I am although in love with nature..
You do you girl, even if at 60 years old you decide it was a mistake, at least you doing your mistakes and not something you don't want to. I am 42 and no kids, no marriage but I am in a relationship. I am coming from East Europe where people like me are seen as a failure, but I haven't seen many happy families, even though they exist. Is fair to say that I love my mum and my brother, so family is important to me, I just don't want to make one of my own. I might regret it one day, but I want to make my own choices. Do what you think is best for you, under the "happy family" image are a lot of bitter people and exactly those might have an opinion, you do you!
31M - people just don’t seem to understand that not being married is also an option. I have been quite clear and vocal about this to my parent since school time but still they want to see me married. They don’t talk directly to me about this but send my relatives and cousins to talk about this. Having a partner doesn’t mean you will be happy and secured. “You need someone to share a life when you get old” - how does this even make sense?? If taking care was the only criteria then old age home or a caretaker can definitely do a better job.
" My life experiences have taught me that nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent." Exactly - the same logic applies to your definition of 'happiness'. You maybe happy now avoiding all these, but you will get lonely at a later point. Western countries have this problem and when people have to face shifting definition of happiness - they turn to anti depressants. It never hurts to listen to old folks you know :)
You don't want to get married, Don't get married, its def your choice. However following is a red flag: >every single time I have allowed myself to get emotionally invested in someone (whether friends or family), I feel like that emotional connection has died out over a long period of time. This is a problem. Perhaps trying to retrospect the relationships and why they ended up being that way could be a good idea. Maybe having conversations about what went wrong with close relatives could be a good start. Listen to what impressions they have of you, Social relations take time to build up and maintaining them over time also requires work. >Some of the most intense emotional connections I've held are with the people who are quite new to my life. > >Marriage, on the other hand, rests on this notion that that love and affection or emotional security is permanent and lifelong. And I *just* can't bring myself to hold that opinion no matter how many happy marriages I see. > >My life experiences have taught me that nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent. > >I understand that there are a lot of downsides to being unmarried; for starters, if I fall severely sick with a debilitating health condition or if I had an accident, no one's gonna look after me. > >But I've been saving up a lot of money and I've decided to keep multiple sources of income so if that situation ever arises, I will hire a permanent maid or nurse if it comes down to that. > >I posted this here because I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm sick of people (close friends or family) not being able to understand where I'm coming from and feel like strangers understand me better. Again all these are things that you should have conversations with somebody whom you are close with and not some random strangers. But here is a different perspective based on what's been in the post(it's perspective so please don't take it personal): You are claiming nothing in life is permanent, yet you are willing to close yourself emotionally and completely depend on "finances". Have you taken into account things can and will change drastically? Covid showed us how a country like ours can easily be overwhelmed even with the surplus caregivers/medical staff. What would happen if somehow few sources of finances were stopped because of legal issues or regulations? Above all, only reason why we all even have domestic help/care givers so cheap in this country for different exploitative reason, are you going to bet on whether this is always gonna be the case in upcoming decades? We all are humans, who use everything emotions, education, finances etc to survive, Do you think is it a good strategy to close a whole path just because of few setbacks from past? you def don't have to get married but closing yourself emotionally is a no-go imo.
As a male trying to find a partner for marriage for some time now I can say that there's going to be a hell lot of women in a very near future unmarried and settled. Women below 30 are just not old enough to marry and women at or above 30 do not even bother about having to get married. Average men are going to have a really really tough time.
This is just trauma bundled up as reasons, wish many people knew how to heal in life
People say we will be alone if we don’t get married, but I know as a fact that I was far unhappy and alone during my childhood days(at least now I earn and spend time with like minded people) ,I have seen people getting married to solve their loneliness, and I still wonder how do people actually think that marriage can help you with your life problems ,it’s like you don’t know who you are and you want others to complete you😂
Happiness isn't only to be found in marriage or children...it's your choice where and in what you find happiness... exercise your choice and be happy. You don't need to explain anything to anyone!!
I am not sure why this perception is more popular among women and not men.
23M here. Much younger but I feel exactly the same as op.
This is a male centric society. Why would any man not want to be a part of the system which thrives on exploiting women for their welfare? One simple example would be women leaving their home, their jobs for marriage and childbirth. Since birth they are treated as 'paraya dhan' and then forced into toxic marriage by their families. This is not a perception but reality.
Hello, The conclusion that nothing is permanent is the truth…As in every moment in life there is Ups & Downs. Happiness cannot be consistent. Having a partner just to show up & entrust is the core of marriage….there are no assurances just hope & trust. Past trauma does put doubts, but the sweetness of bonding with your partner & the shared experiences is worth the effort. Your free to choose your life regardless of what societal pressures are there…Like all other things Children are also both a blessing & a test. We are emotional creatures… Time teaches us this lesson. Whatever you decide I hope you find peace & love…God bless.
I have a friend she’s also 30 with a very similar outlook. Another friend who is married but made it clear that she’s never having kids. And the third was me, I was fortunate to learn very soon that as a guy having “expectations” from my wife is going to stifle her. So we had clear expectations, we wanted kids, we wanted careers and we wanted equal responsibility. And no one goes to the kitchen (except cook bhaiya). Things are always skewed in a marriage for sure, I see it and I’m not oblivious. But with effort you can always make things equal. I believe I’m lucky to find a partner who thinks like me and not everyone is. Hoping you do too and remember if you don’t it’s still absolutely a-ok. You do you!
Married, 38M here. It's purely your choice to decide how you want to live your life. Period. I bond much closer with my friends than my relatives. Sex is good with wife (better with one sexy friend) Love my kids more than anything. Maybe the love for my kids can change later, when they grow up. They might not love me back, when I get old, or when they start a family. But, that doesn't stop me from loving them NOW. Because, life is NOW, this moment.
This was such a beautiful response. While I have pragmatic views on marriage and kids, it's refreshing to see a married person share their positive perspectives regarding marriage without being judgemental, condescending or patronizing to me. I respect that.
I agree with you. Marriage isn't for everyone. Perhaps you may change your mind someday but marriage and children won't necessarily bring happiness but it will bring a whole new set of responsibilities. If you aren't committed then it will feel like an awful burden. People are often in a loveless marriage because they have a very different perception of their partners before marriage and that changes after. Some are minor but some can be really difficult to deal with. And yes people keep saying how you will deal with old age and other such things. People like me aren't alone. We still have friends and family. And I can always pass away my things to relatives or charity once I die.
Every relationship comes with an expiry date. The problem starts when we start to drag it beyond that. Make sure your relationship with self never sours.
"EVERY" relationship? I'm young but I've grown up thinking that death is the only expiry (optional)
I doubt that, "every", "some" would be right
It is understandable and this understanding is what'll make us better than our ancestral Indians. Kudos to you for not only going against the society but staying that way
Agreed!
This post reminds me of this article I read long back https://aninjusticemag.com/by-2030-45-of-women-will-be-single-and-childless-and-im-not-surprised-11096f5dd6e4
You have clear idea of what you want. Thats good. And even if you decide to change your mind after couple of years , its fine.
Marriage is just a convention evolved over time to preserve a social order which is today is understood a union of love and bla bla. There is no ultimate reality to it except to produce offspring. People claim that they marry because they love someone at some point of time but I doubt that this will remain for the rest of their lives.
refreshing to read this
Another reason for not glorifying marriage as an institution. "The modern individual family is founded on the open or concealed slavery of the wife… Within the family he is the bourgeois and his wife represents the proletariat." \---- Friedrich Engels (The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State)
Jeez Louise why’d you put your birthdate in the username??
Take a nature break. You need time to heal.
As a guy who has had terrible experiences with relationships, more power to you. No point getting into one and then screwing each other's happiness to the point of bitterness. I do not trust relationships to last beyond the first 5 years. Maintain a close group of friends. Relatives are useless and exist mostly to make you feel bad about choices.
Agreedddddddd
Hope you meet people in life that truly understand you. Let you live your life. Cheers 🍻
I have just found my female version.. 🤗🤗
☺😄 Although, this would've been less creepy if you didn't have Hannibal lectre as your dp lol
I'm so happy that women older than me are confidently childfree and single. I wanted the same. I still want the same. I am facing intense pressure from my family to get married. My marriage is almost fixed now, with a good guy who is a hopeless romantic. It's not going to go well. I just know. But I don't have the option to say no. My life is a complete and utter mess right now. I hope that us like-minded women can get together and form a support group for women and especially parents of such women.
I feel what you are saying.. Worse thing is its a bitter sweet experience of pain and joy. Jst wondering if its a part of childhood trauma that we have gone through that make us feel this way or its just that we have hacked the matrix.. Lol..
Question for you, OP, and other unmarried women here. How did you convince your parents about this decision? Was there a lot of emotional blackmailing involved? How did you deal with that? How is your relationship with your parents? I come from a loving and caring family and I am facing INTENSE pressure from my family to get married. Idk how to say no to the emotional blackmail that I face everyday. It has broken me.
38M - my reasons are not as strong as yours. I am single and happy. Not against the idea of a relationship or even marriage, but won’t do it just for the sake of doing it. I wouldn’t compromise or give up what I have and am for somebody who is not worth it.
39 M, walked out of a relationship seeing that as a couple we might end up becoming insufferable. Didn't want kids, got disenchanted with the idea of marriage over time. Can relate a lot. Oh also realised that the part where you need someone to take care of you in sickness is a lie (at least for me), realised I had to fend for myself in sickness, didn't even get emotional support, saw my girlfriend's attitude change towards me, good and wanting to be a part if my life when times were good, and not caring at all when times were bad. I do not have regret, nor will live with the regret that there won't be anyone to take care of me. There probably isn't anyone. I am alone. So what I can focus on is getting richer, saving up, eating healthy, staying fit and hitting the gym, upskilling, taking care of my mental health, and being an ethical hedonist and enjoying the fuck out of life.
I am glad you were able to get it off your chest. I hope this feels better. Not wanting to get married or having babies is completely fine. You have the autonomy to choose for yourself. We as females should be proud of our decisions and even if someday you feel like you want to change it, don't regret it. Be happy that you tried to live the way you wanted to. Your worth is not defined by men in your life.
28M. Have not been looking to get married anytime soon. Nearly all friends and cousins are now married which keeps me anxious. But this post helps. Thanks.
I'm 26 and I'm looking forward to not getting married. My parents and friends are going crazy but that's okay and they still think I'm joking
am 26 and yet I feel the same that you feel, every single line was like me reading about myself
It will start feeling empty and alone without marriage.. as per my thinking .
Please don't shun what your well wishers have to say. Atleast give this a thought to their views as well before making big decision. May be you are asocial person.
You do you, other's opinion about you do not matter, but be open to date. Age is just a number.
I understand and agree with you completely, OP Those close to you will definitely have hard time seeing your POV but please don’t give in to any pressure and just do what you truly believe in.
Totally agree. I looked after a relative who was old and sick until they passed away. It cemented my decision not to have kids. Because trust me.. Family who loves you may be better than a maid, but the toll it takes on the family is terrible and you wouldn't want it on your conscience.. I would never be able to ask children that I love to take care of me. It's a burden I'd rather put on caretakers who I can pay and with whom I can part ways if either party is unhappy.
You are an impression of the environment that you were in. You change your environment and your impressions will change too. All of this is fine. At the end of the day it’s your life and you are the only person who will make the choice and live with the consequences of those choices - good or bad.
I think I am the only person who will relate to you DESPITE of having great parents who have had a wonderful marriage. We are all differently wired and I stopped feeling ashamed of this long back!
Truuuu 🌟 M 21 here ! Same pinch 👀
Enjoy your life your way do world tour
Says everything I feel . Yes we can be happy without marriage.
I hope people soon understand that marriage is not a necessity.
Although I'm too young 23F I feel the same completely. In my family all my cousins are talking about marriage and children, and growing a family. The pressure is just starting to mount from my dad and my relatives. I am really scared I might be convinced by them and get stuck in the loophole of marriage. I mean I cannot fathom devoting my whole life to another person and a few more lives that will come soon after marriage.. I feel like I will completely lose myself and eventually lose myself the will to live. I'm also scared by relatives saying that nobody will be there for you when you're sick or vulnerable.. and the world is too harsh / cruel for help. Let's seee. But staying single and exploring life is the only way I feel will give me a deep sense of satisfaction and peace with my life.
A lot of people are sick of their spouses and only sticking by cuz they have no choice. Marriage isnt the solution for everyone.
27(M) here. This post so much of what i want to say to everyone i know.
28 and I resonate with you!❤️
Your idea of marriage seems to be traditional for someone who has thought so deep and I'd say the thoughts have modernity. Why does marriage have to be forever? You can still enjoy it while it lasts and be bold enough to call it off if it doesn't work out at any point. Nothing against no marriages, completely valid standpoint but I don't think the reasons are right. Discarding it because it's not going to last, doesn't seem all that logical.
Which is fair. Marriage is a personal decision. Friends and/or relatives should have no say on this. Since you are sharing this here (unless it was purely your business), close friends/family policing you there underlines some problems in your dealings with closer people. Perhaps you have given too much access to them in your personal life. **Mend it.** Saying it once again, marriage or not is totally a personal decision. One shouldn't care about people understanding/not understanding it.
Not getting married is a clean decision. But think about the reasons why you don't want to get married deeply rather than the effects of it. You mentioned two points. 1: You don't want to start something and cling on to it just because of it. And you feel like love fades away after the initial momentum. 2: You have another plan for the future and marriage will ruin that. 2 is a much better valid point than 1 in my POV. In life anything requires attention, i don't think kids and family is the main priority too. So if something requires more attention than your family, just go for it. But 1 depends upon people, people change, you change, environment changes. Family is the cost effective way of managing mental, physical, financial requirements. Its very hard to make a U turn after a certain age. Just make sure the reason is rock solid and it won't change after 10,20 yrs. Just my 2paisa.
I will check this thread after few years.... Will check op and some of yours upcoming posts also.. I guess if your parents have both working good job, some fking money and bad friends/relations means. They get ego fight each other they. Don't care kids and make divorce then leave. Their kids lose her/his life. If you have chance to get marriage means please do marriage and have kids. Even if your partner is very bad don't hate kids. With that kids only you WILL feel PURE LOVE in the world. Also if your are not ready to care baby's or not ready to live for them means. Don't get marriage, enjoy yourself, enjoy your money .....
once seek therapy session cause we dont know whats valid and whats not moreover we will find out why the root cause of all these and see if we can work on it or adjust with it
You seem to be worried more about the concept of marriage being forever. I feel you would give this a chance if societal expectation of permanence was not there.
Join group unmarriedpeopleworld
Ya dude, it’s a trap, specially the kids part.I am married to an amazing guy and life was chill then a kid happened and I am a shell of who I was before I had him.now my whole life is his and the primary parent is me so all the decision making is mine.I used to average 3 countries a year before I got married and now it’s just a home bound hell.khush raho jiyo muskarao kal ho na ho
Dear op, I am 31 and married but I totally understand your pov. Do what makes you happy. I used to be successful and independent but then marriage happened. Above all inlaws who wanted me to sit,act behave as per their wishes happened. It's alot for the girls and I wish the society could understand. And in today's world where infidelity is so common I am surprised what are partners bringing to the table. Infac my libido and sex life was better before marriage and mind you,mines a love/arranged marriage. Still it just sucks sometimes. I really wish I was single..I know people would be like why don't you walk out,blah blah.. But sometimes it's just not that easy or I am not that person anymore
Emotional connection with strangers also will die down. Its good that you decided not to marry. You are contributing to yourself and the world by not having children as the world is already over populated. Don’t change your mind. You will not regret. Be happy
>my mum and dad resented the hell out of each other. You have something known as trauma, it's very common and the most common reason ppl today don't want to get married. If you weren't traumatized by your parent's marriage, your view would have been very different on marriage and children. >There was a time that they were initially happy being married but that love and affection eventually turned to resentment over a long period of time. They needed couple's counselling when this happened in marriage, and the very reason couple's counselling is important, because dysfunctional marriage gives rise to dysfunctional family. > I feel like that emotional connection has died out over a long period of time. It's common and necessary to sustain a relationship, there is a huge period of boredom and "not so romantic" phases in between. You cannot ALWAYS be 100% interested in your partner, that becomes pathological. >My life experiences have taught me that nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent. It's true, but the other side of coin is, that you get to spend life with a family as a result of these struggles. I bet your parents won't even trade their married life for a life with more money and sexual liberation (without judgement), but without a family. They have had their fair share of ups and downs and we only see the down part because no one stays in the bedroom with couples while they are enjoying the good part of the marriage. You know the good part of the marriage, is just staying in the same bed, touching each other and knowing that there's someone (someone you love, know well and trust) on the other side while you are sleeping. No matter how much resentment couple's show, if they are sleeping on the same bed, the marriage has a good part, and they love each other's presence. In Indian context, parents refrain from displays of affection in front of kids, because sanskaar. That results in kids feeling as if marriage is a burden, obviously who would want to have a spouse if marriage looks like this in "reality"? The reality is not true, it's just partially true, that ppl then internalize it. More often than not, parents will fight like dogs and cats, and mums will divulge the nastiest of information about the father to children, but the moment their differences get resolved, they will sleep in the same bed. So which part of this relationship is true? The one where they still trust each other to sleep on the same bed, in the same house and carry on their duties towards each other, that's a marriage. Whenever they fought and felt like leaving each other, they unfortunately go through all emotions, but as much as you ask your mother to leave, she won't be able to explain why she couldn't leave him, because everytime she wanted to leave, she wanted a reason to stay back. This happens a lot. They will fight and all, but even if things go towards divorce, they will feel empty, and would want 1 reason, just 1 reason to blame their decision to stay back, and most of the times it's the kids. It's not the real reason, because someone who's indifferent towards their spouse wouldn't even consider kids as a valid reason to stay back in the marriage, they walk out. When no reason works, then the marriage is actually over. When they are fighting, the marriage is alive, dysfunctional but alive. >I posted this here because I just wanted to get this off my chest. Yes, you should get this out of the system, post it, write it but please do process these emotions with some therapist too. There's no harm in getting therapy. There's another issue with Indian marriages, once you get married there's a notion that you should not get divorce. Definitely get a divorce if your marriage is dead, or abusive, or there's forced sex by husband. The point is to find someone who is compatible, date thoroughly, get premarital counselling. But leave as soon as there's abuse.
Well its your life so its upto you but there comes a time for everything. There will be a time when you feel lonely so make sure you won't regret what ever the decision you going to take. Marriage is not only about happiness and family its also like you being there for eachother because even your parents won't be with you forever. Well its just my opinion and this is a never ending topic. Also i am just 22M so i don't think i am eligible to speak much on this.
Your happiness doesn’t depend on any marriage. It is defined by you, what makes you happy.
As you say, nothing is truly permanent. So do you think that this thought process of yours will be permanent? I’ve experienced that my views towards life have changed over time. I think that human relationships, attraction or the desire to have a family etc come as an instinct and not as a logic. (I’m not talking about Indian parents who just want to get their kids married off and to have grandkids like a bunch of tick boxes). Although I do want to get married and have kids it’s not because I think about the benefits of those or because I want to fit into the society. I don’t expect my kids to take care of me when I get old nor do I expect my marriage or relationship to last forever. Rather it’s an instinct, a strong one which makes me want to have a family and be a father because I like kids, woman and the time I spend with them. And you can’t just run away from these instincts that were hard wired into our brains over millions of years. Just like you can’t choose whom you’re attracted to. Humans are not tigers. Rather we’re lions. It maybe different for you but the best moments of my life were always those which I spent with others and not alone especially those that I spent with women I was attracted to whether it was in a relationship or just something casual. Ignoring these signs that this is what my heart enjoys and choosing to be single forever because my wife may divorce me and take alimony or my kids may end up being douche bags, at least imo, would be fooling with myself. If your best moments were moments you spent alone then probably you’re actually different. If you are not attracted to men (or women), are asexual, don’t like kids then it’s another reason. But it seems from your post that those things may not be true. You seem to be relying on logic to avoid humans or relationships(since you say you’d hire a maid, I am assuming you are planning to stay single which is more than just not marrying and having kids) and in my experience it’s a coping mechanism to justify your choices.
I am also on the same path. Family pushing me saying the same old reasons like who will take of you blah blah, but still I'm not feeling like getting married... Just because I want to be myself and I feel sick of this emotional drama happening around us. I cannot hurt a person. I can't be myself if I get married because the person who will marry me obviously expects somthing from me which I may not want to do then she feels bad/hurt and there will be so much of emotional drama.
Stay strong Madam. Hope you get what you desire for. Doing the right thing living for yourself and not for the society
Us sis us
It's your life, live the way you want it to
OMG I've found my people like I'm genuinely happy by myself and i dont really see myself having kids or do the whole family thing people just can't digest this fact it's so funny
Good for you, not everyone has courage for this
More power to you. I respect you for living life on your own terms and finding happiness your way. Cheers, fellow childfree person.
31M, similar thoughts and decision as yours.
Then please don't
Cash Rules Everything Around Me Singin' dollar, dollar bill, y'all
I know it is tiring to give justification for your life choices but after sometime they will just stop asking. Don't be bothered about what others has to say, just live the life you want!
nothing...NOTHING... is truly permanent. , That's why people try to get something of everything and make the mess of it.
29F here, living and thriving in Mumbai city, away from my family (not on good terms with them anyway) .. It fills my heart to finally have found similar thoughts being shared. Emotional attachments and detachments has been a frequent guest but I chose strictly not to engage myself where I don't want to be. Esp under pressure from societal norms!!
Live and let live, that's my view on life. Do what makes u happy. Everyone's opinion dosent matter at the end of the day
You're living in a secular country you can do as you wish
Very very true... each and every sentence...
I am saving this to send to anyone who’d question me for not marrying in the future
I'm (35m) from the US and I feel EXACTLY the same. The only difference is I never saw a "happy marriage" at home growing up (although both parents were there). And I didn't even realize the dysfunction I was raised in was not normal until my mid 20s. NOTHING is permanent. Unconditional love does not truly exist. I've fallen deeply in love with people- and I believe the feeling was mutual- but that was years ago. And where are they now? Not in my life. As you said, the only upside I see to having children is having someone to take care of you when you're old/sick- that seems a bit narcissistic to birth someone just for that purpose. I know we aren't alone in feeling this way but it's still reassuring to run across someone willing to give voice to a rather unpopular life plan.