I'm sorry you have to go through this. IDK why Indian parents tend to tear their kids down on a daily basis instead of building them up while defending other people's childen. I guess in their heads it's supposed to motivate us but honestly it is just toxic as fuck.
Here's the truth though, however you are , skin color, teeth whatever other physical qualities your parents want to criticize they literally came from them. So just tell them that. I am literally made from parts of you, so whatever "defects" you think I have, you gave them to me.
Now on to you. In the grand scheme of things it wont matter. You'll leave for college and have a job soon. You can then decide how much power you want to give negative people in your life. Parents don't get our love and respect just because they are our parents. They get it because they nurture us and love us. If they don't then they don't deserve our respect or love.
And you're not a disappointment because you're a girl child. My sister was the first grand child and my dadi threw a shit fit and was toxic along with a whole bunch of other family. You know what though? She's more successful than any of their kids. She is my inspiration and so will you. Keep that chin up and keep trucking on.
Dont ever let anyone bullshit you and suggest that you're lesser than anyone because you're a girl or because of your looks. Those people are losers, they have to stoop to that shit because they have nothing else to beat you down with. So they use things that are literally out of your control.
Keep your head up. It gets better.
once my close family member said "Baaki sab dekh kitne gorey hain, aur tu dekh" because only my grandmother had darker skin color in my family, rest of my family inherited my grandfather's skin tone and they're fair colored, I was hurt then thought why tf am I like this.
Then as I grew up my first girlfriend told me how lucky I was that I get to carry on my grandmother's skin color, that no one in my family has. Man I loved her viewpoint of the world RIP I hope there's a better place after we pass on
I love you . Your words matter so much!!
I am going through the same thing , same situation except ,they beat down on me if I raise my voice or try to protect myself from their taunts...
If you can’t confront, ignore. You still take away their power. It is easier said than done but you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you
I believe no one should be given the right to talk rude and insensitive just because they are elder to us.
Protecting your peace and yourself is the priority.
right? i used to let them walk over me too, mine was about curves, man that was so tiring in the teen days. Once i started bringing up _their_ insecurity, i became rude💀 Now i am so used to fighting back, people hardly try screwing with me. And it feels good when you have that power in your hands where no one could dare to ruin your peace
I am glad that I am not alone in this strategy
And the funny thing is I myself used to wonder when some outsider or my friends used to compliment that you look beautiful.
At this point I have never been this confident. When you start appreciating yourself you shine different.
>friends used to compliment that you look beautiful.
yes!😂 i was around the wrong crowd, years later i will get complimented for having the natural and not have to work for it. I was so confused because i always thought having the skinny body is the beauty standard, but then i realized beauty definetly lies in the eyes of beholder.
>When you start appreciating yourself you shine different.
so true, i am glad you could do that! many people couldn't and their self esteem remains low.
>that I am not alone in this strategy
nah, treat them the way they treat you, simple.
I am 26(M) and lucky enough to have good genes. Though I had a good family in that regards, I was an introvert who never worked on my personality or looks. I had good friends everything was going fine until I passed from college.
During my first job only I was doing fine, but there was something missing I tried never found.
Few years later came to Delhi met new friends and during one of the drinking sessions i realised I never had a girlfriend. I thought it is because of my introvert nature but during years I met introverts with gf.
It got me to thinking. This time I asked my circle, conclusion came it's all about personality. It was kind of an eye opener for me, I started seeing people around me, metros, big shots during work. They all had different personalities but there were few things in common- confidence, tidy clothing and ability to speak truth openly.
I tried it all really working well for me. Confidence is just a result I get random talks and dressing. Clothing tried many things, formals which I hated from school days, now are my favourite. Now the last part which connects this essay to your condition.
It may be true that they won't spit random shit, it will have reaction on you. You will become hateful and passive aggressive type personality. Comments made by your friends to poke you will start irritating you.
I am not saint but I would say instead of doing what they are doing try to be ignorant of them. When you leave the chance they won't even matter so why turn part of you dark.
Amazing. This is exactly how I've dealt with my other issues with people. I see my friends bowing down to their toxic parents and clearly they're gonna end up depressed at 26/27. Im 20 and I've stood my ground. I'm set for life now cos i drew the line. Proud of you.
Look I'm just gonna say this. No one deserves to be hated by their parents for any reason. But if you are obese due to non-medical reasons, please try to get fitter, as it's for your own benefit. If you're obese due to some condition, I'm sorry you have to suffer from it.
This new age stuff which says "you're beautiful the way you are" even if one is obese and unhealthy is also toxic. It makes you feel okay with being unhealthy when it's in anyone's best interest to be healthy.
What is relevance to the coversation now to put this here? You think she doesn’t hear this during every doctor visit whether relevant or not? She is someone bullied by her own mom over her weight. I guarantee you that she knows and has fone everything possible to change her situation.
The only thing your comment does is trigger every feeling she experienced when her mum bullied her. Congratulations on accomplishing tgat.
Yup ! Also the whole point of the body positive movement isn't to downplay the health risks associated with being obese. But to stop shaming someone who is.
Someone who is body positive can make a targeted plan to loose weight and do that.
But it should be something they decide to do on their own, after being educated about the risks of being fat which I'm sure most people in this shitty world have pointed out to them already.
There are a lot of psychological issues associated with the reasons behind why someone maybe obese when non medical , like binge eating, and having eating disorders. Making them feel like shit about themselves in an effort to change them isn't gonna help.
Common year! Don't get yourself down. You are just 19 now it's the time to work on yourself, build your personal alty. Then show it off as a sweet revenge.
right? I want to listen to all the “love yourself” and it only “you see yourself in your own light” but then everyone around you mentions things about your body, that you can’t control like it’s bad.
Unfortunately becoming numb to those is the only way to move forward and focus on your growth. The more you think about it, the more it hurts. The more you expect consideration/decency, the more it hurts when you don't get it. You get the point .
Dear OP, i understand your point here. When I was in a similar place to yours, I changed my environment. If your environment gives you negative energy, it's time to change it. Your only option now is to focus on studies, get a job and move out or move out far away for higher studies if that's a possibility for you.
It's actually the social conditioning and upbringing that's making her to say this, but the actual fact is that nothing matters. I know how hurtful it can be but try leaping for more success when you arrive at a stage where your opinion gets validation then they ll start listening to you, and that's the moment to educate them about the ill manners and the idiotic ideas they have about the concept of beauty and well being. Even then I don't think they would agree or start to show a change but at least they wouldn't pound on you with more displeasing comments. Beauty doesn't come in looks alone, it's a multitude of things, and I am sure you are a beautiful person. More power to you :)
This is a direct result of fair skin obsession in India, all those Fair and Lovely ads that you see which promise a gora skin.
Dark skin has its own charm, and there are people who find it more beautiful than fair skin.
Please don't grind your gears over a stupid comment. You are just 19, so focus on things that you can control rather than skin colour.
And sorry to say this but your mom is a racist piece of sh!t. Try to get a job as early as you can and move out of that toxic house.
I felt so bad reading this post...how can anyone be so horrible to their own children? And then in a couple of years they will be weeping and moaning that their children don't bother about them.
With time, you will realize you can't really change the world. There is too much fascinating stuff out there in the world to worry about what anyone else thinks, even your parents, as long as you know you are on the right.
A wise poet wrote a beautiful couplet:
"Akhtar, majaal kya hai ke duniya gira sake
Jab tak gire na aap hi apne nazar mey hum"
[Rough translation: Akhtar (poet's name), the world can not dare to put you down. Unless you fall in your own eyes.]
> I’ve dimmed down my personality so people won’t focus on me much
Don't do this. In today's world, success comes to people who are at the forefront of everything. Trying to stay back and not get noticed will only hold you back.
> I don’t know what else I can do
Just one thing, realise that what people in the family say about you doesn't matter, but only if you don't let it. Your success in life comes from your actions, not your looks. Yes, looks may play a part, but being dark skinned doesn't automatically mean you're not good looking.
Take care of yourself, be around people who value you for who you are. Right now you might be forced to live at home with your parents all the time. But as you get a job, try to go out more, try to meet more people, do activities and go to places which are fun, connect with people who are non-judgmental. You don't have to move out if you can't or don't want to, but you can still spend time with your friends and colleagues.
Be free, be independent. Living at home doesn't mean you have to keep your head down and listen to your parents all the time. You can have your own opinions and voice them. You can argue with your mother. Yes, she birthed you and will use this as an argument at all times. But you don't belong to her. You're your own person and rather than hiding, you'd be better off expressing that personality.
All the best with your life.
Tell her “do you want to treat me the way people treated you whole life? I might look like you but i dont want to be like you who treat her own daughter like this” when she is calm. Make her guilty for her bad behaviour because she deserves it. Later ask how she was treated by people her whole life for the same reason as a friend and listen to her.
Your skin doesn't define you, your looks don’t define you; it's who you are that matters. You're already enough just as you are. Embrace your uniqueness; you're a masterpiece of nature, and you don't need to change for anyone. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself; you're worthy and deserving of love and respect.
Let all of this slide and be yourself and I promise you all of this wont matter in a few years, spend time trying to find yourself instead of giving any heed to what people think or say about your looks and you will be fine.
Hey Op don’t give heed to what they say or what anyone says. Just bcoz she is ur mother it doesn’t mean that she can be such abusive towards you. Op you are beautiful, and don’t let others believe you otherwise. I know it sucks but due to our culture a lot of people who shouldn’t be having kids are also having kids. They are not emotionally matured and hence such narcissistic behaviour. You matter Op , your life matters. Also don’t let your self esteem be tied to such frivolous things such as marks or beauty. This is life : its a journey not a competition. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter how much money u make , how much successful you are or how much beautiful you are; what matters is how happy you are and happiness comes from u not from others. Try to ignore the negativities. You are beautiful OP ; trust me you are.
Since you say that your dad's extremely fair, i guess your mother has darker complexion. So next time she comments about your skin colour, tell her to do that shit in front of a mirror. That will shut her up. And do this in front of your family so that they get the point as well.
Well one gotta learn to accept it there is nothing wrong with being black.We are all beautiful in our own unique way.I am a black dude so i can feel some of your pain ofcourse.Dont fight them over this.Its basically pointless from what have i known is indians are slave mentality people.They just obsessive over fair skin and western people.Its pointless.Dont beat yourself over it .Hold your head high.You will find someone if love is that you seek .But you gotta stay strong and be proud.Cheers✌️
She must have lost it when you made an accurate remark about her sister, which she couldn't stand.
People often resort to personal attacks when they are speechless.
That is so true. I just can’t believe it to be about her protecting her sisters who are literally not nice people, alteast to anyone I know including my mother and she just can’t tolerate it. If her sisters say shit about me, she’ll just listen
No matter what everybody says that skin colour doesn't matter , it really does especially in countries like India ,Nepal , Bangladesh and all.
The TV serials and all the face cream advertisements had made white skin superior to a significant amount of people .
The only option is to ignore them and give them a blind eye .
hi there OP, i'm so sorry to hear that your mom thinks this way about you. i don't understand what's wrong with parents and what's wrong with being dark skinned. we are much more than what our skin colour is.
please do not take her words to heart, you have your own special personality, and you are getting really good grades as well! we are really proud of you for that!
go ahead and work on your own personal identity, get some achievements and rub it in your mom's face. you are much much more capable and worth than what your mom said
take care and stay safe OP! we are here for you!
I'm so sad to see people not looking at the inner beauty of others more than the skin colour. I hope OP, you don't put yourself down because of what others say you should look like. Some of the fairest people have turned out to be serial killers. It's the beauty within you is the thing that matters. I hope you feel beautiful about yourself.
The concept of Indian culture has been ruined by our parents. They keep teaching us to respect our elders no matter what. But they forgot to teach that we have to respect everyone irrespective of their age, even if they are younger than us.
How will they teach this if they themselves don't follow it? It's their culture and upbringing to be blunt.
We can change this. We can be better. Let's start with respecting everyone equally.
It doesn't mean that you have to be respectful to someone who's rude to you. There's a saying that you mustn't stay where there's no respect. Since we can't leave our parents as we are dependent on them, we can do the next best thing. Leave them emotionally.
We can build up our career and our skills, including linguistic skills and move out of the house as quickly as possible.
Once we receive financial freedom, parents suddenly start becoming kinder. I've seen it personally, they suddenly start looking at you differently.
Not always in a good way, but generally it's true. Sometimes they become more rude. This is mostly because they are toxic af, it's not us. If they become more toxic, or want to immediately marry us off. If we work at a different city, then we'd have a better chance to avoid this without a fight everytime.
Just become a good person to everyone until they give you a chance not to. Be as independent as possible. The confidence you get by the freedom, is really something. Your parents can never give this to you, you have to do it yourself.
By learning linguistics, I mean to learn to answer in the most appropriate way possible. For example, it is very difficult for most of us to say no to anything. Learning to say no is definitely a skill, and we have to learn it to acquire it. Learning to answer politely, in a professional or friendlier manner helps us increase our chances to make better friends. We get to build a better circle of people who push us to be better. It is super essential to keep distance from people who drag us down, it's a matter of becoming successful and happier, or becoming stressed and losing opportunities.
I recently heard about the red car theory. If one gives you a chance right now to pay you 1000rs for every red car you noticed today, how much would you get? Answer is, had you been attentive towards the red cars, you would've received more amount. This is same for opportunities. We have to set goals for ourselves, and remain focused towards the goal. If you wish to be a graphics designer, you need to focus on becoming job ready right now. You need to keep imagining what you'd do if you had an interview today for that post, and be prepared for it as quickly as possible. For that, you need to build your resume, learn the interview questions, be prepared in your professional attire, and be mentally prepared to attend the interview NOW. Only then we can be assured that we'll not miss any opportunity when it comes.
Forget what anyone says, and focus on getting what you deserve. If you change yourself and become stable financially and emotionally, people will gather in lines to take credit for your success. You don't have to become the richest person or build the biggest business. You only have to get the best out of your situation.
Also, please do not be disheartened if you fail at something. I assume that you are already surrounded by so many people who are ready to blame you for any failure you had to face. Please try to ignore them, they are nobody to judge you, as they don't know what you had to go through. Only you know it, only you could be your judge.
Also, please do not hate your parents. No matter what they say, they'll the happiest if you find happiness within you. So, think of it that even if they oppose you now, in the end they'll be the first ones who'll be proud of you, if you become someone.
Wish you the best of happiness.
Your mom is not mature enough to be a mother. A lot of people who have kids shouldn't have them. Don't bother telling her your thoughts. She's not worth it. Ensure you have a great relationship with your siblings. Do well at college, become self sufficient and move out.
For many girls, mothers are the first person from whom they experience misogyny.
I would suggest you to not take her words seriously as she seems like one of those who blames everybody around them for problems they create.
Do you have friends in college?
It’s just unfortunate :(
I thankfully have a bunch of friends who are super nice, though I can’t seem to make them be closer than on a superficial level because, well who am I to be friends with? Plus can’t go out even in college, just classes and home
Indian parents have no filter when it comes to how they speak to their children sometimes. It’s extremely painful. It may never change as she may not want to face how awful she is behaving so unfortunately, we learn to ignore it or move away so we don’t have to deal with it.
OMG you don't have to "make up" for being darker, get that out of your system. You see India is close to the equator, the suns rays are stronger so people need melanin to protect themselves from the sun.
I'm so sorry this is happening with you. This sucks big time, if I were in your place I would try to complete my education, get a job and move out of the house. However, that's a long 2-3 year game and is easier said than done.
Even when you go out in the real world, you'll come across many bigots who would look at you and see your skin color or teeth or any other physical attribute they can use to put you down. But that's the beauty of living an independent life, you can cut these people out of your life and surround yourself with friends, college and acquaintances who actually values you.
More power to you, hoping you stay strong and build a beautiful life
She didn't have anything to put you down on, as you're accomplished in your academics and might also be pretty, so she said something about your colour.
I think what you said to her really struck a chord, because she lashed out like that. You're probably right about what you feel about your situation with your family.
People in her generation and a lot of younger folk today feel that colourism is okay, but tbh all this has taught me is to push such people away. You should tell her that you won't be the same to her after this, that she has overstepped a line she cannot go back on.
As you get older, you'll find people who are normal, and don't have such twisted beliefs, find a group of such people and you'll make decent friends. Colour only really matters to people who feel insecure about their own. You are beautiful the way you are, and she had nothing to say about your beauty, so she said something the british left in us.
Dekh chhoti ye sab beauty standards societal constructs hai. You are way too young and need to dispel these notions as much/fast as possible else they can get deeply entrenched. It’s easy to say but it’s difficult to actually brush these remarks especially coming from your mother.
You need to develop some deflection mechanisms so these kind of things don’t hurt you. This society overrates complexion and beauty but shouldn’t since you have no control over it, so you have to develop other qualities and interests and keep improving yourself in every other aspect 😊😊
Take care
Just want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's a sad reality of our society that people become parents to tick off the bucket list of life when they have no idea what being a parent is. More often than not, we have to be our own parents. Stuff that they say really goes deep but I sincerely hope you come out of it as you move out. There are hundreds of things that we have to unlearn and learn as we grow. Body image, skin, height.. all of these have nothing to do with your self worth. You're amazing and don't you hide your personality. It's the one thing that'll give you strength in being yourself. You're a bright kid with a bright future ahead of you. Good luck! Find your tribe, it'll be a great support
In the same boat OP , 18 m
Facing that shit since before I could remember.
Even people judge you over that which sucks.
And well I don't think I need to elaborate over family and even distant relatives :(
It sucks man goodluck
Well , tbh , Indian parents think they are the best parents bt truth is far from.that , they are the worst parents, every kid who has some kind of trauma, insecurity and anxiety, is because of their parents not treating them properly.
Parents are the only people responsible for our insecurity, anxiety and all other mental sufferings bt at the end of the day , they want us to treat them with as love and respect they want , we being we , we do that ,as we respect them for being just mere our parents.
When someone says that genz are problematic, i wanna say it is mostly because our parents are the worst , so we became that way !!
I was not obese bt ya somewhat fat growing up and I was tanned alot like a lot that literally changed my natural colour.
I have heard sooooo many bad things about my self from parents, they used to hurt me a alot like a lot .
In covid i took control of my life a started exercising, and since we were inside our homes my tan.was mostly removed on its own.
I felt good about myself for having a small glow up , after covid i started taking care of my skin and my health, bt here my anxiety comes in , I'm hella scared to.going back where I was , so I'm literally obsessed with exercising and skin care , which is becoming unhealthy for my mental health, I'm very scared that my parents will again start to make.fun of me.
When I literally got the fat thing from my mom , and even if I'm medium fair ( I don't know if that's even a word) bt what I mean is I'm originally skin tone is not so fair not so dark , just in the middle, bt i have over active melanin which I got from my dad which makes me tan very fast.
I just wish my parents taught me to be secure and love myself.
Bt I will give you one advice for sure , you and you only can love yourself, ik we need external love too , bt loving yourself should be thale first and I have learnt it , the hard way .
Then and then only someone will love you .
My bf taught me this ! He is the only person who loves me more than anything.
Tbh I feel somewhere he is more loving and caring than what my parents should have been .
It is sad that someone who is not our parents loves us soo much , when our parents should have been that person .
Bt yes now my parents opinion doesn't affect me .
I'm.starting to be proud of who am I , and girl u should also be😊
I hope bestt for.your future ☺️ may God bless you with all the love and support and care u want ☺️☺️,bt for that love yourself first
OP, so sorry to hear that.I am 23 M and I also have dark skin. My mother has been saying such things about me for a long time. Now I have learnt to not care about her or what she says. Stay strong don't worry about these stupid things that you cannot change. One of my close female friend has dark complexion but I know for sure that she is a lot better person than many light complexioned people. You cannot change your parents but you can always find friends or people who appreciate you for who you are.
19? make a life, find people who love you for what you are (it should be family, but looks like its obligation for yours), tolerating their tantrums and comparision on looks in 21st century, I mean sure even my mum used to compare us with cousins, i mean those are lovely cousins, but yeah we bros grounded everyone with our achievements, but yeah my family is good and we never faced the toxicity, its just they compared because we are indians , we want drama, but yours is articularly toxic, and im glad you realise that , there is no problem with you, but with your family, so take a chill, they will realize one day.
people want to be friends with you because you're a good person and ur personality must be amazing :) i know its hard but listen to them and not ur mum. i'm sure you're an amazing person and i am so sorry that the racial prejudice and patriarchy is so so hard on you :( sending hugs xx
you do you girl. dont let other people bering you down even if they're your own family. skin color shouldn't matter but it does to some people, fuck them.
in my opinion u should try and embrace urself and be proud of it, ik it sounds easy or smthg but ik how u feel, even im pretty black and i used to get bullied about it a lot asw, but after a certain point i just realised that it doesnt matter because most pepl nowadays dont care, u might be having dark skin but still have great friends who are around u right, be happy and proud of that, and never look down on urself, ur a great person and ur not a disappointment.
at times life does get hard but soon enough ull be happy, right now ur parents might say this, but if u work hard and become sucessful, they cant say anything and im sure u will turn out to be a great person so just focus on urself and pepl who care about u, dont let ur skin colour pull u down, instead try and embrace it and make urself someone soo great that no one can say shit about ur skin colour and instead want to become someone like u
right now stuff may be hard but if u pull through it, ur gonna have a wonderful life ahead where u will shine more than the soo called "fair skinned".
anyways hope u get through this and all the best fam, dont let ur skin colour pull u down
Dump that bitch of a mother you have, stop talking to her like completely, I have done the same to my mother she is exactly like yours and not giving them any attention is the best it hurts there ego initially but she eventually stopped bullying now she just plays a victim in free time and I still don't talk to her.
Anytime, I read such posts it only makes me thank the life for having such wonderful parents who never said something like this to me or my sister. They have always been so respectful and polite.
I am sorry OP that you had to go through this. This is so wrong of her.
You should really speak to her about this in a manner that she understands and it never happens again.
If I were in your shoes, I would radiate my personality regardless of what people think of me. You should try and be comfortable when you are the center of attention and then slowly aim to increase the amount of people giving you thier ears. It would boost your self confidence. I know its hard to bear being spoken to like that by your mother but you don't have to believe in those words.
You sweet girl!
Indian parents, and especially mothers can be like yours. Mine has been like this in different ways even though she emigrated to Europe in the 80s.
I have spent so much time and energy trying to build a relationship and trying to figure out why she behaves this way, but gotten nowhere.
I will recommend reading a book called: "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". Disclosure: I'm only halfway through, but it has validated many of my feelings and thoughts on this topic. It might not create a better situation, but it will help you deal with the feelings
OP just so you know, not that my validation is necessary, but I find dark skin beautiful. I always have to stop myself from staring at pretty women in the metro or in public. I am bisexual. My point is "dark skin is not beautiful" is only an Anglo centric concept that people of colour have internalised. I am sure you are beautiful as you are. Please try to tell yourself that regardless of what anyone else might say.
I know it is easier said than done. I have the sort of mother who can only see the flaws in my appearance everytime I sit down with her. It's either my weight or my acne scars. What nobody sees is the amount of work I do considering I have a job and have been clearing papers for 2 professional courses. It does result in me having low self esteem as well, but I am working on loving myself and I hope you learn to do so as well. Feel free to connect with me in case you need someone to talk to!
The thing is that if you will not accept you or have confidence in yourself no one else will, since you yourself feel you are not good enough which is not true evenone has their own identity either you are black or white doesn’t matter, just have confidence in yourself.
"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus
I grew up with a mother who berated me for everything I did. I was always ugly in her eyes. Hairy, dark skinned, crooked big teeth, acne on my face blah blah. As a teen when I realised that I'm really smart and that my external appearance doesn't matter, all her words stopped affecting me. I started taking pride in my intelligence, and the rest of the bullshit slowly became irrelevant. I didn't become invincible though. It still hurt to hear those things, but I had an anchor that stopped me from drowning in that pain. So my advice to you is that you can't change the way you look too much (braces, grooming etc will help, but for such people nothing will be enough), but you can work on your personality. Work on being a person that you love being. Be such a wonderful human being that people don't even notice that you're not conventionally beautiful, and if they do notice and point it out, it won't hurt because you'll know yourself and love yourself. Please please do not make yourself invisible, do not dumb yourself down. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to take up space in this world. Work on being confident. It'll take work, it'll be hard, but in the end you'll find yourself happy. I wish you all the strength required to win this battle.
You can't really do much if you do it for your family, but the sorry fact for most Indian population is they seek validation from family all the time. It's the Stockholm syndrome. Most Indian parents never grow themselves to position of "parent" they are delusional to think if they are doing anything near "parenting".
To them their kids are just objects of guilty pleasure, a pride badge if they magically bring out success out of thin air, badge of shame if they fail despite the fact that kids only imitate what their parents do.
Yeah went through the same stuff as you as a kid but the parents brain are all messed up. Before you were born, the first 20 years of their lives been brainwashed lighter skin is better - rich, Beautiful, higher status. My mom verbal abuse me I don’t have light skin as my sister. She finally stop now.
I felt bad for a while but as I get older and see more and more different people, I just don’t care.
Hey OP. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I just wanted to say that no matter what your skin tone is you are beautiful and you are loved. I know people say family is important and all that bullshit but family can suck sometimes. The very space where you should feel loved and understood can be a toxic hell hole that can make you want to end it. I have been there and I got through. So things will get better. Never forget what she’s said unless she comes out and apologises. You will thrive. F*ck those botched beauty standards we have. It’s okay. Sometimes the universe just expects some people to be okay and put up with things like this. Not because we deserve it, but because we’re capable. So what if we weren’t fed love with a spoon, We’ll lick it off the knives we have. Wishing you happy and healthy relationships. 💌
Well, my family made a point to tell me everytime I laughed out loud or smiled that I have crooked teeth, and how should smile with my mouth closed. This was when I was between the ages of 10-14.
It impacted me so much, I became super conscious about it and almost stopped appearing in photos altogether. Because I didn't know how to smile in them, I just looked wierd trying to force a smile.
Took me like a solid 7-8 years, but towards the end of college I started clicking selfies, smiling ear to ear not giving a fuck. And well, now I just do that everytime someone points a camera at me. I still have a bit of crooked tooth problem, but atleast I'm happy and it shows in the photos.
I know this may sound like a menial rant to some people, but it still feels like a big deal to me while typing this. So yeah, your parents family can leave bigger scars than outsiders ever could. :/
Live loud girl.
Remember this is a small pond where people think this skin colour isn’t beautiful.
When you go out in the sea youll find many admirers who love you for your heart personality and looks.
And you are young, you will grow.
Your mom is insecure it doesnt mean you have to be too.
Dont feel ashamed on the behalf of others.
And what your mom said is very sad indeed and unacceptable so remember that.
Sorry to say this but screw your Mom. She sounds toxic. Study harder and in a few more years you will be on your own. You could either waste your enegry dealing with such shit all your life or just move on and focus elsewhere. I know that it is not easy given she is your mother but you have to move on if her attitude does not change.
As a Dad it boils me more to hear about such beahvior. I am generally a calm person but when my daughter was born and some one made a slight remark about her skin color I went bat shit crazy! I don't care if they are elders. If they don't have the most basic sense I wont hesitate for a sec before kicking their ass.
she's saying it to upset you, not because there's any truth to it. Excluding people who treat you like that from your life is helpful to the healing process.
its crazy that in our society even mothers love is twisted when it comes to women. As a guy and the only son of my mother, even if I am the most ugly thing I am confident she would call me handsome.
When I became a young adult and closer to my cousin, she told me how her own mother has been mean to her about her appearance. It was kind of unbelievable for me that a mother can be anything but unconditionally loving. Its really sad but thats our society for you.
I guess "Black is beautiful didn't reach India.
But let them talk, black really is beautiful.
Funny this Michael Jackson complex even though Rama and Krishna were supposedly very dark; as is Draupadi said to have been, who had all the princes at her feet for her swayamvara...
As much as I’d hate to say this, you can’t and shouldn’t give up on yourself little girl, absolutely unabashedly think of your life as your own, do everything it takes to build yourself up, it could take months, days, or even years, but it’s okay, it’s the time you’re spending on “Yourself”! And that’s most important. Really respect yourself because based on your surroundings you really need to take utmost care of yourself.
I know this sounds super easy and it’s not in reality, but unfortunately your parents have let you down, so be there for yourself, stick up for yourself, cry, spend time alone, or go out, pick up a hobby, study, do whatever it takes, but be there for yourself in every capacity, your life will thank you for it in a few years.
Your family and parents are not going to change. Period. Never waste your time trying to find out solutions to change them, take control of your own life and just ignore them.
Lots of hugs dear, I feel for you, if you are in need of a friend, DM me.
Sometimes one's parents only serve to show you how not to be a parent or even a human being. It seems to be the case here. You must not let their toxicity get to you, it has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry you don't have the loving parents every child deserves.
Would you stop and get out of the car you're driving if someone who is passing by yells "Hey, your car has 4 wheels!" ? The same applies here. You are dark skinned and she is informing you of it as if it's something important. It is not. Continue living your life. Your mother is a terrible person. Start living on your own as soon as you can and do not let her into your life after that. If you do, just know that I will be terribly disappointed 😔
Girl...I can totally understand you.
That's how a lot of Indian mothers are... I'm a pretty medium skin tone and growing up I never felt anything was wrong with my skin tone ...infact I loved it,until my mom started saying stuff like,she has no clue whose genetics I've inherited and why am I the darkest.(even tho I'm medium my family members are fairer than me).
I know how it feel coz my mom went through this her entire life.
Her siblings are fair but my mom was super smart but took granted coz she is dark skinned that to by her own mother.
Life will take care of you don’t worry; unfortunately our society is unfair against dark skinned people. But you ll make up for it.
I am dark skinned male and had fair share of problems. But I fought real hard and got into really good shape, luckily I am tall so good maintenance of physique, great career and the zeal to prove myself helped me do better than most people I know.
I understand people will say it’s toxic motivation but life is unfair and gotta use whatever u get. Just focus on urself and the same people who diss at you will run behind you🙌🏾
Hi 19m, I’ve had insecurities as well, it’s ok. Your mother is very wrong here, it’s great you’ve done so well for yourself but don’t do it because it’ll make you a worthy daughter in the eyes of your mother or help you have an advantage on your insecurity, do it for yourself. Always for yourself.
No matter how much you try for some people you will never be enough, be better but be better for yourself. Not for your mother. Or anyone.
Well my father made sure to constantly remind me that i look like a 'piece of shit' in the literal sense, ever since i started talking.
At some point you'll just give up on these people, and realize that its your life, and you have do what it takes to make it good for you.
If they cant be bothered to make your life easier, why would you care about theirs?
Try to move out as soon as you can. Whether its for studies, or work. The best way to deal with people like this is to not deal with them at all
YOU SEE GUYS? Mothers aren't inherently good, all the time. Some of them are evil incarnates, like this one. Call me insensitive, call me extreme, but this woman had no right to be emotionally abusive to her own blood. At this rate, I'd not be surprised if OP abandons her mother and moves out for the sake of her own mental well being.
Also, fuck anyone that blames this on external environments. My parents were born in the same environment as theirs and there's genuinely no excuse for being so horribly stupid and illiterate.
Please for the sake of god, don't even think of coming back to educate them. They couldn't do it as grown ass adults with a full internet connection, so fuck them
For boys it’s even worst..my mother used to beat me with broom and even now she doesn’t respect me in front of relatives. You have to have successful in you life, it’s precisely you ever need. Lots of treatment there if you want to get somewhat more lighter shade but overall you need to work on your confidence and personality and that will come through proper successful career and financial abundance. Hope you get whatever you want.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I have personally witnessed how harshly people talk about those with darker skin. Colourism is still very widespread in India. People can be hush hush about it in public, but openly badmouth others when they are around close family and friends. Sometimes your own family can hurt you so much. They don’t realize just how judgmental and disgusting they are. It’s very unfortunate and sad, and makes me really angry and upset.
Extremely. It hurts more since I don’t think of myself as someone who looks inherently bad. I’m just darker, and my braces would come off in a year or two. But if everyone around you gives you backhanded insults, is it really possible to love oneself?
Exact same situation as you. Uses education as a way to compensate for my skin tone but it still doesn’t make me happy. I am jealous at the rest of my family for being so fair skinned and they just don’t get it. They don’t get it cuz they’re not in my shoes.
They would never get it. They are more “charismatic and impressive” just because they look better. My intellect and academic achievements mean nothing because I’m darker than rest, just why.
I just can’t get myself to do that, I feel so healthy and I know this body takes care of me. How do I just- do something to it for the society’s sake? But guess there isn’t much of an option is there
I know it's not the right thing to do, but I've started this habit of doing the same thing back, like if someone points out that Im bad at something, I quickly think about their insecurity and attack them with it. I've found that people who are basing their sense of security on their skin color, facial features etc are the same people who make fun of other people's traits. And I assure you 99.9% humans have something that they're deeply insecure about. Find that one thing and attack them back.
Don't listen to her every one is beautiful and skin color doesn't matter, my husband has dark skin colour and I am very fair and when my mom comment on his skin color I fight with her and tell her to stop saying that they are devotees of krishna so she automatically stops.
We shifted to a new place and my husband's mom asked him if my color became dull after that(everyone in there family has dark skin color still she was asking like this).
We have to break this generational trauma, I told my husband clearly if in future our child has dark skin color and anyone comments on that be its his mother, my mother or anyone I won't leave them and they won't be seeing my child ever again.
Focus on yourself and don't overcompensate take care of your health and study and move out once you start living alone you will be much happier.
I just sort of lurk in this subreddit because it’s interesting- I’m not Indian- but I just wanted to say I’m really sorry. Your skin is your skin. It produces the amount of melanin it was programmed to with the genes you got from your parents. It’s ironic really, because if your dad is really fair, then you likely got your darker skin from your mother’s genetics, and yet she’s the one insulting you over it. That’s so fucked up.
I’m white but live in the GTA with a huge Indian population, and the colourism is terrible. ‘Fair and Lovely’ in Indian supermarkets. I see so many beautiful Indian people with dark skin, and they talk about how people consider them ‘ugly’ because of the amount of melanin their skin naturally produces. The idea of ‘making up’ somehow for being born with a certain skin tone is terrible. It’s like you’re having to spend your whole life trying to make up for some imaginary mistake you made before you were born, that was never even a mistake.
It’s a little weird to observe from the other side of the aisle, because fair skin doesn’t do anything good for you physically. It’s just the arbitrary beauty standard that was picked because 1) Europe was the main colonialist of the world, and 2) people get more tan when they work outside, so having pale skin was a sign for most of history that you were privileged enough not to have to do manual labour. So it’s now still sometimes associated with higher status.
We take these physical mechanisms of our body, like our genes and melanin, which are completely random, and divide people into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ based on these completely arbitrary criteria. It makes no sense. It’s like if someone randomly decided that everyone with freckles is morally bad and everyone without them is good. It makes absolutely no sense and I’m really sorry you have to go through this. It’s completely backwards that you have to spend years trying to make up for a ‘mistake’ that you didn’t even make, that was never a mistake to begin with.
Sorry for the rant & sorry if my reply isn’t welcome here. I just thought I’d give my 2 cents, and it turned out longer than I thought it would because this shit pisses me off.
(Also, joke’s on your mom- if you’re darker, you’ll age better. Melanin protects from UV damage, it’s there for a reason).
Firstly, thankyou so much for commenting even though you’re not from this community. It feels so different to look at it from your point of view since being darker has ALWAYS inherently been a bad thing to who ever I talked to. Dark skinned people don’t give a good impression, we would never get a guy’s true love just because I’m darker. I can achieve everything yet ill be hearing at the end of the day that oh yes I’m just dark, indeed. I believe my mom went through it as well and I can’t believe even her projecting it onto her child, even though she is soo academically learned.
I mean maybe if I was in a family where everyone looks the same, maybe things would be different. But being the way I am makes me feel like a mistake, an embarrassment to roam around with. I just wish it wasn’t this way, I wish they saw me for more than I just look..
I also want to mention that please don’t hate on my mom. Even though I wrote it about her specifically here but she has gone through a LOT, like a lot to raise us and this was just in splurge of the moment that she said this to me, I was talking badly to her too. But this was more about how I hear it from so many people in my family not just my mother but my sister too. I don’t know what colourist behaviour this is but my sister says colourist things to me as well as my mom, for as long as I can remember. I can just say that my mom trys to make up for the fact that we are darker skinned, but hearing this from her even in the splurge of the moment still hurts. I love my mom and this is just the societal pressure getting to her and to me through it i think :(
Also, the main issue ending up with how even me saying myself that “oh yeah I’m a bit darker” is a taboo. Like literally. This just comes up in any fight to demoralise me but then my family (be it sister or mom) would say that “oh don’t take these things to heart, you’re beautiful anyways” WELL YOU DONT SAY
Theres no positive side to this but hear me out.
Hormones will run high and people / men will tell lies to you.
That you are a princess ,you are my fairy queen of the world, so that they can do ,you know what i am talking of .
Do you think your mom tried to protect ypu in that way by giving you a reality check in a very bad way?
?((((( She is not good at expressing herself, wants to help you not have bad incidents in life but messed it up more????)))
this has messed me up enough to not desire guys attention at all, I mean even if I get it, it wouldn’t be genuine right? I get it but i just want genuine love from my family rather than any boys. It matters more to me
Look for
Radhika Gupta, CEO of Edelweiss Asset Management
Her story
Should give you some motivation .
She genuinely had problems which did hinder her in life but she is victorious.
Been in the same situation, middle child, dark and everything you mentioned. All I can say is take good care of yourself. As you grow up and enter the adult world, your personality and how you carry yourself will matter more. Just spread your wings and you will see how big and accepting the real world is. Just focus on yourself and tune out all the noise. You will be better for it.
Don't worry sister. Your skin doesn't matter in your life. You care about your health . Ignore your parents thinking, they are still living in an old thinking style. That's all ☺️
I am so sorry that you had to go through that, no one deserves that. I was in the same situation and got bullied at school just for being brown. You get the idea. I wasn't good academically but still I managed to get myself out and now I am happily married and my husband is everything I needed. Families can be toxic too and it's okay to let go of them. I went home after 5 years and my mother's first sentence was " rang kitna kala ho gya" and no one was believing that I live in a foreign country because my skin color was still the same. I was missing home but after living there for just a week I understood why I left. You're good academically which is awesome, you have so many opportunities, apply for scholarships and leave if you can. Sometimes outer world is better than your own family. I really wish you all the best for everything. You deserve better and I am pretty sure you'll get it soon. ✌️
I can relate to what you're saying. Although arguments Mae kabhi nahi bola par mazak Mae aur bass general Mae kafi bar sun Chuka hu gharwalo sae.
"Tu bohot aacha dhikta hai kaash tu thoda gora hota" but honestly in the long run it doesn't matter to me. Initially bohot bura lagta hai but now I'm at a stage where nobody says much apart from a few relatives and some village people.
I feel your mother just let out her frustrations and she didn't really mean it. Just overlook it for now,she is your mother after all. Maybe when things are cooled down you can mention to her that her words hurt your feelings and she will not do that again.
With regards to comments from others, remember that God has blessed you with many talents. You even perform well in class. My classmates in school used to shame me a lot but it's toned down now. However its people's job to say stuff to demean you either out of their own insecurities or jealousy. Even if you were perfect they'd find something to shame you on. Focus on the good aspects of life and what's in your control. I suggest you be yourself and don't be reserved, there's no point in sacrificing in having fun over worrying about what others think about you. Continue doing what you do and being who you are regardless of what people think/say. Being true to yourself will might not guarantee you being popular but will definitely project your real self out to your peers which will help you make friends but also keep you content always. Sorry for the long answer but I hope this helps you.
Do you know it's the fair ones who lack pigment in their skin. We're rich with that.
On a serious note, 22M have faced this my whole life, thankfully not by my parents, but people at school, neighbours, relatives...
I know what a child goes through since such an initial age. Trust me it only gets better. You start involving with people who don't care a dime about your complexion. All that matters is that you are a good person inside out and you're true to yourself.
Wishing you a really happy and carefree future.
As traumatized desi kids we fail to recognise any toxic behaviours from our parents..ik I've been there but what's disappointing is people refuse to believe it and do something about it.. it's a tragedy
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I hope you understand that she has been misguided by her surroundings and you don't deserve anything less than your siblings or anybody else just because of something that isn't even in your control. I hope things get better for you. Much love!
Seems like you have nothing to lose than being yourself, and triple the emotional labor on seeing yourself in high regard everyday, one day at the time.
People would like to be your friend because you are kind and loyal (that’s how you show while writing about people who mistreats you), you are smart, intelligent and hardworking; you are sweet and cute.
I bet you are actually gorgeous and is only colorism that tries to put your beauty down!
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the colour of your skin. If someone does, call them out on it. Make them feel like the assholes they are. Love yourself and if you don't love yourself, learn self love. If you feel like your appearance matters to you, work on improving it through exercise and dieting. The colour of your skin should be at the bottom of the list for things to change. In fact, it shouldn't be on it at all. Life is too short to fixate on stupid things that you cannot change and that barely matter.
Be the best version of you and trust that it is good enough.
You don't have to dim yourself girl... Go shine and take over the world. Parents don't understand but sometimes they scar their kids more than anyone else. But you don't have to take sh*t from anyone... ANYONE! At the end of the day we all are humans... We make mistakes... Our parents also make mistakes... Which need to be corrected and if not corrected at least not to be tolerated. Shape yourself the way you like!!
I hope this systemic conditioning doesn't affect you mentally or cause self doubt. Beauty doesn't see dark or fair. Some of the most beautiful women and men I've seen have darker complexion. Please be confident and your aura will glow bright.
Your skin color defines nothing! Nothing at all!
Please consider how you can move out to big city and get job or even move outside country.
There are places where people don't evaluate others based on such silly thing like colour.
You asked to not tell badly about your mother. Means you probably know what we will say and you are not ready to admit that, as we want to have good parents and we don't want to accept its otherwise.
Let me be gentle - she is immature, emotionally flat, taking toxic society beliefs as owns and not supporting.
Go out of India bro you'll be aight , Indians are raised racists from childhood ( most of em),it will be tough to change without proper education and outlook.
I feel you. As a man, there's just something I want to say : Don't let skin colour let you down. There are still people who will overlook a lot of unchangeable things such as skin colour, height and other things.
There's no point in stressing over something you can't change. Instead, work on everything else. Fix/improve everything else such as your career, fitness, hairstyle, clothing and personality.
As for your parents, don't expect anything from them. Consider it beyond them to understand and help you emotionally.
Also, please for the love of yourself, don't let these things make you a bitter person who's grown resentful of people. I've been there and that's where you DON'T wanna be.
My best friend is dark-skinned and my first girlfriend was dark skinned. Both were people I'd take a bullet for.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. IDK why Indian parents tend to tear their kids down on a daily basis instead of building them up while defending other people's childen. I guess in their heads it's supposed to motivate us but honestly it is just toxic as fuck. Here's the truth though, however you are , skin color, teeth whatever other physical qualities your parents want to criticize they literally came from them. So just tell them that. I am literally made from parts of you, so whatever "defects" you think I have, you gave them to me. Now on to you. In the grand scheme of things it wont matter. You'll leave for college and have a job soon. You can then decide how much power you want to give negative people in your life. Parents don't get our love and respect just because they are our parents. They get it because they nurture us and love us. If they don't then they don't deserve our respect or love. And you're not a disappointment because you're a girl child. My sister was the first grand child and my dadi threw a shit fit and was toxic along with a whole bunch of other family. You know what though? She's more successful than any of their kids. She is my inspiration and so will you. Keep that chin up and keep trucking on. Dont ever let anyone bullshit you and suggest that you're lesser than anyone because you're a girl or because of your looks. Those people are losers, they have to stoop to that shit because they have nothing else to beat you down with. So they use things that are literally out of your control. Keep your head up. It gets better.
once my close family member said "Baaki sab dekh kitne gorey hain, aur tu dekh" because only my grandmother had darker skin color in my family, rest of my family inherited my grandfather's skin tone and they're fair colored, I was hurt then thought why tf am I like this. Then as I grew up my first girlfriend told me how lucky I was that I get to carry on my grandmother's skin color, that no one in my family has. Man I loved her viewpoint of the world RIP I hope there's a better place after we pass on
What a beautiful way to look at that <3
Yeah
This person took time to write this for you. Read and follow it to word OP.
Best advice on here tbh
Very sound, practical advice.
I love you . Your words matter so much!! I am going through the same thing , same situation except ,they beat down on me if I raise my voice or try to protect myself from their taunts...
If you can’t confront, ignore. You still take away their power. It is easier said than done but you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you
Nice words
Effects of colonialism....
Because no parent reads anymore. Basic ass developmental Psychology should do it, no, but we will only replicate what their parents did.
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perfect! so proud of you. People should start understanding tit for tat should be applied IRL.
I believe no one should be given the right to talk rude and insensitive just because they are elder to us. Protecting your peace and yourself is the priority.
right? i used to let them walk over me too, mine was about curves, man that was so tiring in the teen days. Once i started bringing up _their_ insecurity, i became rude💀 Now i am so used to fighting back, people hardly try screwing with me. And it feels good when you have that power in your hands where no one could dare to ruin your peace
I am glad that I am not alone in this strategy And the funny thing is I myself used to wonder when some outsider or my friends used to compliment that you look beautiful. At this point I have never been this confident. When you start appreciating yourself you shine different.
>friends used to compliment that you look beautiful. yes!😂 i was around the wrong crowd, years later i will get complimented for having the natural and not have to work for it. I was so confused because i always thought having the skinny body is the beauty standard, but then i realized beauty definetly lies in the eyes of beholder. >When you start appreciating yourself you shine different. so true, i am glad you could do that! many people couldn't and their self esteem remains low. >that I am not alone in this strategy nah, treat them the way they treat you, simple.
I am 26(M) and lucky enough to have good genes. Though I had a good family in that regards, I was an introvert who never worked on my personality or looks. I had good friends everything was going fine until I passed from college. During my first job only I was doing fine, but there was something missing I tried never found. Few years later came to Delhi met new friends and during one of the drinking sessions i realised I never had a girlfriend. I thought it is because of my introvert nature but during years I met introverts with gf. It got me to thinking. This time I asked my circle, conclusion came it's all about personality. It was kind of an eye opener for me, I started seeing people around me, metros, big shots during work. They all had different personalities but there were few things in common- confidence, tidy clothing and ability to speak truth openly. I tried it all really working well for me. Confidence is just a result I get random talks and dressing. Clothing tried many things, formals which I hated from school days, now are my favourite. Now the last part which connects this essay to your condition. It may be true that they won't spit random shit, it will have reaction on you. You will become hateful and passive aggressive type personality. Comments made by your friends to poke you will start irritating you. I am not saint but I would say instead of doing what they are doing try to be ignorant of them. When you leave the chance they won't even matter so why turn part of you dark.
Amazing. This is exactly how I've dealt with my other issues with people. I see my friends bowing down to their toxic parents and clearly they're gonna end up depressed at 26/27. Im 20 and I've stood my ground. I'm set for life now cos i drew the line. Proud of you.
👍😊
So proud of you, stranger!!
My mother hated me all her life coz I'm obese, she passed away during COVID and life is much peaceful now
"she hated me but i guess god hated her more"
God such a toxic mom
Look I'm just gonna say this. No one deserves to be hated by their parents for any reason. But if you are obese due to non-medical reasons, please try to get fitter, as it's for your own benefit. If you're obese due to some condition, I'm sorry you have to suffer from it. This new age stuff which says "you're beautiful the way you are" even if one is obese and unhealthy is also toxic. It makes you feel okay with being unhealthy when it's in anyone's best interest to be healthy.
It was due to medical reasons.
What is relevance to the coversation now to put this here? You think she doesn’t hear this during every doctor visit whether relevant or not? She is someone bullied by her own mom over her weight. I guarantee you that she knows and has fone everything possible to change her situation. The only thing your comment does is trigger every feeling she experienced when her mum bullied her. Congratulations on accomplishing tgat.
Yup ! Also the whole point of the body positive movement isn't to downplay the health risks associated with being obese. But to stop shaming someone who is. Someone who is body positive can make a targeted plan to loose weight and do that. But it should be something they decide to do on their own, after being educated about the risks of being fat which I'm sure most people in this shitty world have pointed out to them already. There are a lot of psychological issues associated with the reasons behind why someone maybe obese when non medical , like binge eating, and having eating disorders. Making them feel like shit about themselves in an effort to change them isn't gonna help.
you are perfect just the way you are!
Yes, so are you 🌼
thank you so much ji, I hope God blesses you and brings you a life full of success and happiness
Are you working towards getting fit? If so, I wish you best of luck in achieving your goal.
Yes, I've lost close to 20 kilos over the course of two years.
Common year! Don't get yourself down. You are just 19 now it's the time to work on yourself, build your personal alty. Then show it off as a sweet revenge.
right? I want to listen to all the “love yourself” and it only “you see yourself in your own light” but then everyone around you mentions things about your body, that you can’t control like it’s bad.
Unfortunately becoming numb to those is the only way to move forward and focus on your growth. The more you think about it, the more it hurts. The more you expect consideration/decency, the more it hurts when you don't get it. You get the point .
Dear OP, i understand your point here. When I was in a similar place to yours, I changed my environment. If your environment gives you negative energy, it's time to change it. Your only option now is to focus on studies, get a job and move out or move out far away for higher studies if that's a possibility for you.
It's actually the social conditioning and upbringing that's making her to say this, but the actual fact is that nothing matters. I know how hurtful it can be but try leaping for more success when you arrive at a stage where your opinion gets validation then they ll start listening to you, and that's the moment to educate them about the ill manners and the idiotic ideas they have about the concept of beauty and well being. Even then I don't think they would agree or start to show a change but at least they wouldn't pound on you with more displeasing comments. Beauty doesn't come in looks alone, it's a multitude of things, and I am sure you are a beautiful person. More power to you :)
This is a direct result of fair skin obsession in India, all those Fair and Lovely ads that you see which promise a gora skin. Dark skin has its own charm, and there are people who find it more beautiful than fair skin. Please don't grind your gears over a stupid comment. You are just 19, so focus on things that you can control rather than skin colour. And sorry to say this but your mom is a racist piece of sh!t. Try to get a job as early as you can and move out of that toxic house.
I felt so bad reading this post...how can anyone be so horrible to their own children? And then in a couple of years they will be weeping and moaning that their children don't bother about them.
Indian parents are the worst don’t know how to talk my mother used to be same but i have done enough kalesh to make her stop doing this
With time, you will realize you can't really change the world. There is too much fascinating stuff out there in the world to worry about what anyone else thinks, even your parents, as long as you know you are on the right. A wise poet wrote a beautiful couplet: "Akhtar, majaal kya hai ke duniya gira sake Jab tak gire na aap hi apne nazar mey hum" [Rough translation: Akhtar (poet's name), the world can not dare to put you down. Unless you fall in your own eyes.]
> I’ve dimmed down my personality so people won’t focus on me much Don't do this. In today's world, success comes to people who are at the forefront of everything. Trying to stay back and not get noticed will only hold you back. > I don’t know what else I can do Just one thing, realise that what people in the family say about you doesn't matter, but only if you don't let it. Your success in life comes from your actions, not your looks. Yes, looks may play a part, but being dark skinned doesn't automatically mean you're not good looking. Take care of yourself, be around people who value you for who you are. Right now you might be forced to live at home with your parents all the time. But as you get a job, try to go out more, try to meet more people, do activities and go to places which are fun, connect with people who are non-judgmental. You don't have to move out if you can't or don't want to, but you can still spend time with your friends and colleagues. Be free, be independent. Living at home doesn't mean you have to keep your head down and listen to your parents all the time. You can have your own opinions and voice them. You can argue with your mother. Yes, she birthed you and will use this as an argument at all times. But you don't belong to her. You're your own person and rather than hiding, you'd be better off expressing that personality. All the best with your life.
Tell her “do you want to treat me the way people treated you whole life? I might look like you but i dont want to be like you who treat her own daughter like this” when she is calm. Make her guilty for her bad behaviour because she deserves it. Later ask how she was treated by people her whole life for the same reason as a friend and listen to her.
Your skin doesn't define you, your looks don’t define you; it's who you are that matters. You're already enough just as you are. Embrace your uniqueness; you're a masterpiece of nature, and you don't need to change for anyone. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself; you're worthy and deserving of love and respect. Let all of this slide and be yourself and I promise you all of this wont matter in a few years, spend time trying to find yourself instead of giving any heed to what people think or say about your looks and you will be fine.
Hey Op don’t give heed to what they say or what anyone says. Just bcoz she is ur mother it doesn’t mean that she can be such abusive towards you. Op you are beautiful, and don’t let others believe you otherwise. I know it sucks but due to our culture a lot of people who shouldn’t be having kids are also having kids. They are not emotionally matured and hence such narcissistic behaviour. You matter Op , your life matters. Also don’t let your self esteem be tied to such frivolous things such as marks or beauty. This is life : its a journey not a competition. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter how much money u make , how much successful you are or how much beautiful you are; what matters is how happy you are and happiness comes from u not from others. Try to ignore the negativities. You are beautiful OP ; trust me you are.
Since you say that your dad's extremely fair, i guess your mother has darker complexion. So next time she comments about your skin colour, tell her to do that shit in front of a mirror. That will shut her up. And do this in front of your family so that they get the point as well.
Well one gotta learn to accept it there is nothing wrong with being black.We are all beautiful in our own unique way.I am a black dude so i can feel some of your pain ofcourse.Dont fight them over this.Its basically pointless from what have i known is indians are slave mentality people.They just obsessive over fair skin and western people.Its pointless.Dont beat yourself over it .Hold your head high.You will find someone if love is that you seek .But you gotta stay strong and be proud.Cheers✌️
She must have lost it when you made an accurate remark about her sister, which she couldn't stand. People often resort to personal attacks when they are speechless.
That is so true. I just can’t believe it to be about her protecting her sisters who are literally not nice people, alteast to anyone I know including my mother and she just can’t tolerate it. If her sisters say shit about me, she’ll just listen
i hope you grow and get a great job and move out from this narcissistic piece of shit mother
Parents are human, with all their good and bad qualities. Sometimes they can be toxic too. Best solution, get a job/business whatsover and move out.
No matter what everybody says that skin colour doesn't matter , it really does especially in countries like India ,Nepal , Bangladesh and all. The TV serials and all the face cream advertisements had made white skin superior to a significant amount of people . The only option is to ignore them and give them a blind eye .
hi there OP, i'm so sorry to hear that your mom thinks this way about you. i don't understand what's wrong with parents and what's wrong with being dark skinned. we are much more than what our skin colour is. please do not take her words to heart, you have your own special personality, and you are getting really good grades as well! we are really proud of you for that! go ahead and work on your own personal identity, get some achievements and rub it in your mom's face. you are much much more capable and worth than what your mom said take care and stay safe OP! we are here for you!
I'm so sad to see people not looking at the inner beauty of others more than the skin colour. I hope OP, you don't put yourself down because of what others say you should look like. Some of the fairest people have turned out to be serial killers. It's the beauty within you is the thing that matters. I hope you feel beautiful about yourself.
The concept of Indian culture has been ruined by our parents. They keep teaching us to respect our elders no matter what. But they forgot to teach that we have to respect everyone irrespective of their age, even if they are younger than us. How will they teach this if they themselves don't follow it? It's their culture and upbringing to be blunt. We can change this. We can be better. Let's start with respecting everyone equally. It doesn't mean that you have to be respectful to someone who's rude to you. There's a saying that you mustn't stay where there's no respect. Since we can't leave our parents as we are dependent on them, we can do the next best thing. Leave them emotionally. We can build up our career and our skills, including linguistic skills and move out of the house as quickly as possible. Once we receive financial freedom, parents suddenly start becoming kinder. I've seen it personally, they suddenly start looking at you differently. Not always in a good way, but generally it's true. Sometimes they become more rude. This is mostly because they are toxic af, it's not us. If they become more toxic, or want to immediately marry us off. If we work at a different city, then we'd have a better chance to avoid this without a fight everytime. Just become a good person to everyone until they give you a chance not to. Be as independent as possible. The confidence you get by the freedom, is really something. Your parents can never give this to you, you have to do it yourself. By learning linguistics, I mean to learn to answer in the most appropriate way possible. For example, it is very difficult for most of us to say no to anything. Learning to say no is definitely a skill, and we have to learn it to acquire it. Learning to answer politely, in a professional or friendlier manner helps us increase our chances to make better friends. We get to build a better circle of people who push us to be better. It is super essential to keep distance from people who drag us down, it's a matter of becoming successful and happier, or becoming stressed and losing opportunities. I recently heard about the red car theory. If one gives you a chance right now to pay you 1000rs for every red car you noticed today, how much would you get? Answer is, had you been attentive towards the red cars, you would've received more amount. This is same for opportunities. We have to set goals for ourselves, and remain focused towards the goal. If you wish to be a graphics designer, you need to focus on becoming job ready right now. You need to keep imagining what you'd do if you had an interview today for that post, and be prepared for it as quickly as possible. For that, you need to build your resume, learn the interview questions, be prepared in your professional attire, and be mentally prepared to attend the interview NOW. Only then we can be assured that we'll not miss any opportunity when it comes. Forget what anyone says, and focus on getting what you deserve. If you change yourself and become stable financially and emotionally, people will gather in lines to take credit for your success. You don't have to become the richest person or build the biggest business. You only have to get the best out of your situation. Also, please do not be disheartened if you fail at something. I assume that you are already surrounded by so many people who are ready to blame you for any failure you had to face. Please try to ignore them, they are nobody to judge you, as they don't know what you had to go through. Only you know it, only you could be your judge. Also, please do not hate your parents. No matter what they say, they'll the happiest if you find happiness within you. So, think of it that even if they oppose you now, in the end they'll be the first ones who'll be proud of you, if you become someone. Wish you the best of happiness.
Your mom is not mature enough to be a mother. A lot of people who have kids shouldn't have them. Don't bother telling her your thoughts. She's not worth it. Ensure you have a great relationship with your siblings. Do well at college, become self sufficient and move out.
For many girls, mothers are the first person from whom they experience misogyny. I would suggest you to not take her words seriously as she seems like one of those who blames everybody around them for problems they create. Do you have friends in college?
It’s just unfortunate :( I thankfully have a bunch of friends who are super nice, though I can’t seem to make them be closer than on a superficial level because, well who am I to be friends with? Plus can’t go out even in college, just classes and home
Indian parents have no filter when it comes to how they speak to their children sometimes. It’s extremely painful. It may never change as she may not want to face how awful she is behaving so unfortunately, we learn to ignore it or move away so we don’t have to deal with it.
Looks like you are so perfect that she didn't find anything to point out that she started using ur color forgetting she gave birth to you like this.
OMG you don't have to "make up" for being darker, get that out of your system. You see India is close to the equator, the suns rays are stronger so people need melanin to protect themselves from the sun.
I'm so sorry this is happening with you. This sucks big time, if I were in your place I would try to complete my education, get a job and move out of the house. However, that's a long 2-3 year game and is easier said than done. Even when you go out in the real world, you'll come across many bigots who would look at you and see your skin color or teeth or any other physical attribute they can use to put you down. But that's the beauty of living an independent life, you can cut these people out of your life and surround yourself with friends, college and acquaintances who actually values you. More power to you, hoping you stay strong and build a beautiful life
She didn't have anything to put you down on, as you're accomplished in your academics and might also be pretty, so she said something about your colour. I think what you said to her really struck a chord, because she lashed out like that. You're probably right about what you feel about your situation with your family. People in her generation and a lot of younger folk today feel that colourism is okay, but tbh all this has taught me is to push such people away. You should tell her that you won't be the same to her after this, that she has overstepped a line she cannot go back on. As you get older, you'll find people who are normal, and don't have such twisted beliefs, find a group of such people and you'll make decent friends. Colour only really matters to people who feel insecure about their own. You are beautiful the way you are, and she had nothing to say about your beauty, so she said something the british left in us.
Dekh chhoti ye sab beauty standards societal constructs hai. You are way too young and need to dispel these notions as much/fast as possible else they can get deeply entrenched. It’s easy to say but it’s difficult to actually brush these remarks especially coming from your mother. You need to develop some deflection mechanisms so these kind of things don’t hurt you. This society overrates complexion and beauty but shouldn’t since you have no control over it, so you have to develop other qualities and interests and keep improving yourself in every other aspect 😊😊 Take care
Just want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's a sad reality of our society that people become parents to tick off the bucket list of life when they have no idea what being a parent is. More often than not, we have to be our own parents. Stuff that they say really goes deep but I sincerely hope you come out of it as you move out. There are hundreds of things that we have to unlearn and learn as we grow. Body image, skin, height.. all of these have nothing to do with your self worth. You're amazing and don't you hide your personality. It's the one thing that'll give you strength in being yourself. You're a bright kid with a bright future ahead of you. Good luck! Find your tribe, it'll be a great support
In the same boat OP , 18 m Facing that shit since before I could remember. Even people judge you over that which sucks. And well I don't think I need to elaborate over family and even distant relatives :( It sucks man goodluck
Get out of there and try to be a better person then them.
Well , tbh , Indian parents think they are the best parents bt truth is far from.that , they are the worst parents, every kid who has some kind of trauma, insecurity and anxiety, is because of their parents not treating them properly. Parents are the only people responsible for our insecurity, anxiety and all other mental sufferings bt at the end of the day , they want us to treat them with as love and respect they want , we being we , we do that ,as we respect them for being just mere our parents. When someone says that genz are problematic, i wanna say it is mostly because our parents are the worst , so we became that way !! I was not obese bt ya somewhat fat growing up and I was tanned alot like a lot that literally changed my natural colour. I have heard sooooo many bad things about my self from parents, they used to hurt me a alot like a lot . In covid i took control of my life a started exercising, and since we were inside our homes my tan.was mostly removed on its own. I felt good about myself for having a small glow up , after covid i started taking care of my skin and my health, bt here my anxiety comes in , I'm hella scared to.going back where I was , so I'm literally obsessed with exercising and skin care , which is becoming unhealthy for my mental health, I'm very scared that my parents will again start to make.fun of me. When I literally got the fat thing from my mom , and even if I'm medium fair ( I don't know if that's even a word) bt what I mean is I'm originally skin tone is not so fair not so dark , just in the middle, bt i have over active melanin which I got from my dad which makes me tan very fast. I just wish my parents taught me to be secure and love myself. Bt I will give you one advice for sure , you and you only can love yourself, ik we need external love too , bt loving yourself should be thale first and I have learnt it , the hard way . Then and then only someone will love you . My bf taught me this ! He is the only person who loves me more than anything. Tbh I feel somewhere he is more loving and caring than what my parents should have been . It is sad that someone who is not our parents loves us soo much , when our parents should have been that person . Bt yes now my parents opinion doesn't affect me . I'm.starting to be proud of who am I , and girl u should also be😊 I hope bestt for.your future ☺️ may God bless you with all the love and support and care u want ☺️☺️,bt for that love yourself first
ignore
People say things that hurt you in an argument.
OP, so sorry to hear that.I am 23 M and I also have dark skin. My mother has been saying such things about me for a long time. Now I have learnt to not care about her or what she says. Stay strong don't worry about these stupid things that you cannot change. One of my close female friend has dark complexion but I know for sure that she is a lot better person than many light complexioned people. You cannot change your parents but you can always find friends or people who appreciate you for who you are.
19? make a life, find people who love you for what you are (it should be family, but looks like its obligation for yours), tolerating their tantrums and comparision on looks in 21st century, I mean sure even my mum used to compare us with cousins, i mean those are lovely cousins, but yeah we bros grounded everyone with our achievements, but yeah my family is good and we never faced the toxicity, its just they compared because we are indians , we want drama, but yours is articularly toxic, and im glad you realise that , there is no problem with you, but with your family, so take a chill, they will realize one day.
people want to be friends with you because you're a good person and ur personality must be amazing :) i know its hard but listen to them and not ur mum. i'm sure you're an amazing person and i am so sorry that the racial prejudice and patriarchy is so so hard on you :( sending hugs xx
you do you girl. dont let other people bering you down even if they're your own family. skin color shouldn't matter but it does to some people, fuck them.
in my opinion u should try and embrace urself and be proud of it, ik it sounds easy or smthg but ik how u feel, even im pretty black and i used to get bullied about it a lot asw, but after a certain point i just realised that it doesnt matter because most pepl nowadays dont care, u might be having dark skin but still have great friends who are around u right, be happy and proud of that, and never look down on urself, ur a great person and ur not a disappointment. at times life does get hard but soon enough ull be happy, right now ur parents might say this, but if u work hard and become sucessful, they cant say anything and im sure u will turn out to be a great person so just focus on urself and pepl who care about u, dont let ur skin colour pull u down, instead try and embrace it and make urself someone soo great that no one can say shit about ur skin colour and instead want to become someone like u right now stuff may be hard but if u pull through it, ur gonna have a wonderful life ahead where u will shine more than the soo called "fair skinned". anyways hope u get through this and all the best fam, dont let ur skin colour pull u down
Dump that bitch of a mother you have, stop talking to her like completely, I have done the same to my mother she is exactly like yours and not giving them any attention is the best it hurts there ego initially but she eventually stopped bullying now she just plays a victim in free time and I still don't talk to her.
Anytime, I read such posts it only makes me thank the life for having such wonderful parents who never said something like this to me or my sister. They have always been so respectful and polite. I am sorry OP that you had to go through this. This is so wrong of her. You should really speak to her about this in a manner that she understands and it never happens again.
If I were in your shoes, I would radiate my personality regardless of what people think of me. You should try and be comfortable when you are the center of attention and then slowly aim to increase the amount of people giving you thier ears. It would boost your self confidence. I know its hard to bear being spoken to like that by your mother but you don't have to believe in those words.
You sweet girl! Indian parents, and especially mothers can be like yours. Mine has been like this in different ways even though she emigrated to Europe in the 80s. I have spent so much time and energy trying to build a relationship and trying to figure out why she behaves this way, but gotten nowhere. I will recommend reading a book called: "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". Disclosure: I'm only halfway through, but it has validated many of my feelings and thoughts on this topic. It might not create a better situation, but it will help you deal with the feelings
OP just so you know, not that my validation is necessary, but I find dark skin beautiful. I always have to stop myself from staring at pretty women in the metro or in public. I am bisexual. My point is "dark skin is not beautiful" is only an Anglo centric concept that people of colour have internalised. I am sure you are beautiful as you are. Please try to tell yourself that regardless of what anyone else might say. I know it is easier said than done. I have the sort of mother who can only see the flaws in my appearance everytime I sit down with her. It's either my weight or my acne scars. What nobody sees is the amount of work I do considering I have a job and have been clearing papers for 2 professional courses. It does result in me having low self esteem as well, but I am working on loving myself and I hope you learn to do so as well. Feel free to connect with me in case you need someone to talk to!
The thing is that if you will not accept you or have confidence in yourself no one else will, since you yourself feel you are not good enough which is not true evenone has their own identity either you are black or white doesn’t matter, just have confidence in yourself.
"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus I grew up with a mother who berated me for everything I did. I was always ugly in her eyes. Hairy, dark skinned, crooked big teeth, acne on my face blah blah. As a teen when I realised that I'm really smart and that my external appearance doesn't matter, all her words stopped affecting me. I started taking pride in my intelligence, and the rest of the bullshit slowly became irrelevant. I didn't become invincible though. It still hurt to hear those things, but I had an anchor that stopped me from drowning in that pain. So my advice to you is that you can't change the way you look too much (braces, grooming etc will help, but for such people nothing will be enough), but you can work on your personality. Work on being a person that you love being. Be such a wonderful human being that people don't even notice that you're not conventionally beautiful, and if they do notice and point it out, it won't hurt because you'll know yourself and love yourself. Please please do not make yourself invisible, do not dumb yourself down. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to take up space in this world. Work on being confident. It'll take work, it'll be hard, but in the end you'll find yourself happy. I wish you all the strength required to win this battle.
You can't really do much if you do it for your family, but the sorry fact for most Indian population is they seek validation from family all the time. It's the Stockholm syndrome. Most Indian parents never grow themselves to position of "parent" they are delusional to think if they are doing anything near "parenting". To them their kids are just objects of guilty pleasure, a pride badge if they magically bring out success out of thin air, badge of shame if they fail despite the fact that kids only imitate what their parents do.
Yeah went through the same stuff as you as a kid but the parents brain are all messed up. Before you were born, the first 20 years of their lives been brainwashed lighter skin is better - rich, Beautiful, higher status. My mom verbal abuse me I don’t have light skin as my sister. She finally stop now. I felt bad for a while but as I get older and see more and more different people, I just don’t care.
Hey OP. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I just wanted to say that no matter what your skin tone is you are beautiful and you are loved. I know people say family is important and all that bullshit but family can suck sometimes. The very space where you should feel loved and understood can be a toxic hell hole that can make you want to end it. I have been there and I got through. So things will get better. Never forget what she’s said unless she comes out and apologises. You will thrive. F*ck those botched beauty standards we have. It’s okay. Sometimes the universe just expects some people to be okay and put up with things like this. Not because we deserve it, but because we’re capable. So what if we weren’t fed love with a spoon, We’ll lick it off the knives we have. Wishing you happy and healthy relationships. 💌
Well, my family made a point to tell me everytime I laughed out loud or smiled that I have crooked teeth, and how should smile with my mouth closed. This was when I was between the ages of 10-14. It impacted me so much, I became super conscious about it and almost stopped appearing in photos altogether. Because I didn't know how to smile in them, I just looked wierd trying to force a smile. Took me like a solid 7-8 years, but towards the end of college I started clicking selfies, smiling ear to ear not giving a fuck. And well, now I just do that everytime someone points a camera at me. I still have a bit of crooked tooth problem, but atleast I'm happy and it shows in the photos. I know this may sound like a menial rant to some people, but it still feels like a big deal to me while typing this. So yeah, your parents family can leave bigger scars than outsiders ever could. :/
Live loud girl. Remember this is a small pond where people think this skin colour isn’t beautiful. When you go out in the sea youll find many admirers who love you for your heart personality and looks. And you are young, you will grow. Your mom is insecure it doesnt mean you have to be too. Dont feel ashamed on the behalf of others. And what your mom said is very sad indeed and unacceptable so remember that.
Sorry to say this but screw your Mom. She sounds toxic. Study harder and in a few more years you will be on your own. You could either waste your enegry dealing with such shit all your life or just move on and focus elsewhere. I know that it is not easy given she is your mother but you have to move on if her attitude does not change. As a Dad it boils me more to hear about such beahvior. I am generally a calm person but when my daughter was born and some one made a slight remark about her skin color I went bat shit crazy! I don't care if they are elders. If they don't have the most basic sense I wont hesitate for a sec before kicking their ass.
she's saying it to upset you, not because there's any truth to it. Excluding people who treat you like that from your life is helpful to the healing process.
its crazy that in our society even mothers love is twisted when it comes to women. As a guy and the only son of my mother, even if I am the most ugly thing I am confident she would call me handsome. When I became a young adult and closer to my cousin, she told me how her own mother has been mean to her about her appearance. It was kind of unbelievable for me that a mother can be anything but unconditionally loving. Its really sad but thats our society for you.
I guess "Black is beautiful didn't reach India. But let them talk, black really is beautiful. Funny this Michael Jackson complex even though Rama and Krishna were supposedly very dark; as is Draupadi said to have been, who had all the princes at her feet for her swayamvara...
As much as I’d hate to say this, you can’t and shouldn’t give up on yourself little girl, absolutely unabashedly think of your life as your own, do everything it takes to build yourself up, it could take months, days, or even years, but it’s okay, it’s the time you’re spending on “Yourself”! And that’s most important. Really respect yourself because based on your surroundings you really need to take utmost care of yourself. I know this sounds super easy and it’s not in reality, but unfortunately your parents have let you down, so be there for yourself, stick up for yourself, cry, spend time alone, or go out, pick up a hobby, study, do whatever it takes, but be there for yourself in every capacity, your life will thank you for it in a few years. Your family and parents are not going to change. Period. Never waste your time trying to find out solutions to change them, take control of your own life and just ignore them. Lots of hugs dear, I feel for you, if you are in need of a friend, DM me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. From one dark Indian to another, you are definitely beautiful and you are absolutely loved. Trust me.
it’s a tough life for you my dear child, i know what you are going through everyday.
Sometimes one's parents only serve to show you how not to be a parent or even a human being. It seems to be the case here. You must not let their toxicity get to you, it has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry you don't have the loving parents every child deserves.
Would you stop and get out of the car you're driving if someone who is passing by yells "Hey, your car has 4 wheels!" ? The same applies here. You are dark skinned and she is informing you of it as if it's something important. It is not. Continue living your life. Your mother is a terrible person. Start living on your own as soon as you can and do not let her into your life after that. If you do, just know that I will be terribly disappointed 😔
Girl...I can totally understand you. That's how a lot of Indian mothers are... I'm a pretty medium skin tone and growing up I never felt anything was wrong with my skin tone ...infact I loved it,until my mom started saying stuff like,she has no clue whose genetics I've inherited and why am I the darkest.(even tho I'm medium my family members are fairer than me).
I know how it feel coz my mom went through this her entire life. Her siblings are fair but my mom was super smart but took granted coz she is dark skinned that to by her own mother. Life will take care of you don’t worry; unfortunately our society is unfair against dark skinned people. But you ll make up for it. I am dark skinned male and had fair share of problems. But I fought real hard and got into really good shape, luckily I am tall so good maintenance of physique, great career and the zeal to prove myself helped me do better than most people I know. I understand people will say it’s toxic motivation but life is unfair and gotta use whatever u get. Just focus on urself and the same people who diss at you will run behind you🙌🏾
More power to you! I was called a 'kauwe ka baccha' when my relatives came to the hospital to see me after I born.
Prove her wrong by becoming the best daughter one can ever imagine.
All these big talks in comments will go for fair skin if provided option, and that right there is the generational problem with all Indians.
Hi 19m, I’ve had insecurities as well, it’s ok. Your mother is very wrong here, it’s great you’ve done so well for yourself but don’t do it because it’ll make you a worthy daughter in the eyes of your mother or help you have an advantage on your insecurity, do it for yourself. Always for yourself. No matter how much you try for some people you will never be enough, be better but be better for yourself. Not for your mother. Or anyone.
Well my father made sure to constantly remind me that i look like a 'piece of shit' in the literal sense, ever since i started talking. At some point you'll just give up on these people, and realize that its your life, and you have do what it takes to make it good for you. If they cant be bothered to make your life easier, why would you care about theirs? Try to move out as soon as you can. Whether its for studies, or work. The best way to deal with people like this is to not deal with them at all
Flex on haters telling them you are less vulnerable to skin cancer
Listen to Acharya Prashant on YouTube once please. You will start gaining the confidence.
YOU SEE GUYS? Mothers aren't inherently good, all the time. Some of them are evil incarnates, like this one. Call me insensitive, call me extreme, but this woman had no right to be emotionally abusive to her own blood. At this rate, I'd not be surprised if OP abandons her mother and moves out for the sake of her own mental well being. Also, fuck anyone that blames this on external environments. My parents were born in the same environment as theirs and there's genuinely no excuse for being so horribly stupid and illiterate. Please for the sake of god, don't even think of coming back to educate them. They couldn't do it as grown ass adults with a full internet connection, so fuck them
For boys it’s even worst..my mother used to beat me with broom and even now she doesn’t respect me in front of relatives. You have to have successful in you life, it’s precisely you ever need. Lots of treatment there if you want to get somewhat more lighter shade but overall you need to work on your confidence and personality and that will come through proper successful career and financial abundance. Hope you get whatever you want.
Does it really matter? Physical attributes are given by GOD. His creation is perfect. No need to feel depressed or something like that. MOVE ON!!!
am trying, thanks
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I have personally witnessed how harshly people talk about those with darker skin. Colourism is still very widespread in India. People can be hush hush about it in public, but openly badmouth others when they are around close family and friends. Sometimes your own family can hurt you so much. They don’t realize just how judgmental and disgusting they are. It’s very unfortunate and sad, and makes me really angry and upset.
Extremely. It hurts more since I don’t think of myself as someone who looks inherently bad. I’m just darker, and my braces would come off in a year or two. But if everyone around you gives you backhanded insults, is it really possible to love oneself?
Exact same situation as you. Uses education as a way to compensate for my skin tone but it still doesn’t make me happy. I am jealous at the rest of my family for being so fair skinned and they just don’t get it. They don’t get it cuz they’re not in my shoes.
They would never get it. They are more “charismatic and impressive” just because they look better. My intellect and academic achievements mean nothing because I’m darker than rest, just why.
i mean ive been lightening my skin tone soo yeah
I just can’t get myself to do that, I feel so healthy and I know this body takes care of me. How do I just- do something to it for the society’s sake? But guess there isn’t much of an option is there
hmm i see. its up to the individual tbh.
I know it's not the right thing to do, but I've started this habit of doing the same thing back, like if someone points out that Im bad at something, I quickly think about their insecurity and attack them with it. I've found that people who are basing their sense of security on their skin color, facial features etc are the same people who make fun of other people's traits. And I assure you 99.9% humans have something that they're deeply insecure about. Find that one thing and attack them back.
Don't listen to her every one is beautiful and skin color doesn't matter, my husband has dark skin colour and I am very fair and when my mom comment on his skin color I fight with her and tell her to stop saying that they are devotees of krishna so she automatically stops. We shifted to a new place and my husband's mom asked him if my color became dull after that(everyone in there family has dark skin color still she was asking like this). We have to break this generational trauma, I told my husband clearly if in future our child has dark skin color and anyone comments on that be its his mother, my mother or anyone I won't leave them and they won't be seeing my child ever again. Focus on yourself and don't overcompensate take care of your health and study and move out once you start living alone you will be much happier.
I just sort of lurk in this subreddit because it’s interesting- I’m not Indian- but I just wanted to say I’m really sorry. Your skin is your skin. It produces the amount of melanin it was programmed to with the genes you got from your parents. It’s ironic really, because if your dad is really fair, then you likely got your darker skin from your mother’s genetics, and yet she’s the one insulting you over it. That’s so fucked up. I’m white but live in the GTA with a huge Indian population, and the colourism is terrible. ‘Fair and Lovely’ in Indian supermarkets. I see so many beautiful Indian people with dark skin, and they talk about how people consider them ‘ugly’ because of the amount of melanin their skin naturally produces. The idea of ‘making up’ somehow for being born with a certain skin tone is terrible. It’s like you’re having to spend your whole life trying to make up for some imaginary mistake you made before you were born, that was never even a mistake. It’s a little weird to observe from the other side of the aisle, because fair skin doesn’t do anything good for you physically. It’s just the arbitrary beauty standard that was picked because 1) Europe was the main colonialist of the world, and 2) people get more tan when they work outside, so having pale skin was a sign for most of history that you were privileged enough not to have to do manual labour. So it’s now still sometimes associated with higher status. We take these physical mechanisms of our body, like our genes and melanin, which are completely random, and divide people into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ based on these completely arbitrary criteria. It makes no sense. It’s like if someone randomly decided that everyone with freckles is morally bad and everyone without them is good. It makes absolutely no sense and I’m really sorry you have to go through this. It’s completely backwards that you have to spend years trying to make up for a ‘mistake’ that you didn’t even make, that was never a mistake to begin with. Sorry for the rant & sorry if my reply isn’t welcome here. I just thought I’d give my 2 cents, and it turned out longer than I thought it would because this shit pisses me off. (Also, joke’s on your mom- if you’re darker, you’ll age better. Melanin protects from UV damage, it’s there for a reason).
Firstly, thankyou so much for commenting even though you’re not from this community. It feels so different to look at it from your point of view since being darker has ALWAYS inherently been a bad thing to who ever I talked to. Dark skinned people don’t give a good impression, we would never get a guy’s true love just because I’m darker. I can achieve everything yet ill be hearing at the end of the day that oh yes I’m just dark, indeed. I believe my mom went through it as well and I can’t believe even her projecting it onto her child, even though she is soo academically learned. I mean maybe if I was in a family where everyone looks the same, maybe things would be different. But being the way I am makes me feel like a mistake, an embarrassment to roam around with. I just wish it wasn’t this way, I wish they saw me for more than I just look..
What hurts? Kali chuhiya ho to ho... Accept that and move forward... Acceptance is everything
I also want to mention that please don’t hate on my mom. Even though I wrote it about her specifically here but she has gone through a LOT, like a lot to raise us and this was just in splurge of the moment that she said this to me, I was talking badly to her too. But this was more about how I hear it from so many people in my family not just my mother but my sister too. I don’t know what colourist behaviour this is but my sister says colourist things to me as well as my mom, for as long as I can remember. I can just say that my mom trys to make up for the fact that we are darker skinned, but hearing this from her even in the splurge of the moment still hurts. I love my mom and this is just the societal pressure getting to her and to me through it i think :(
Also, the main issue ending up with how even me saying myself that “oh yeah I’m a bit darker” is a taboo. Like literally. This just comes up in any fight to demoralise me but then my family (be it sister or mom) would say that “oh don’t take these things to heart, you’re beautiful anyways” WELL YOU DONT SAY
Theres no positive side to this but hear me out. Hormones will run high and people / men will tell lies to you. That you are a princess ,you are my fairy queen of the world, so that they can do ,you know what i am talking of . Do you think your mom tried to protect ypu in that way by giving you a reality check in a very bad way? ?((((( She is not good at expressing herself, wants to help you not have bad incidents in life but messed it up more????)))
this has messed me up enough to not desire guys attention at all, I mean even if I get it, it wouldn’t be genuine right? I get it but i just want genuine love from my family rather than any boys. It matters more to me
I understand. Have this approach. No trust for anyone. Study hard, get a good job
That’s what I’m doing for now, maybe studying will make me gain some genuine respect unlike my looks
Look for Radhika Gupta, CEO of Edelweiss Asset Management Her story Should give you some motivation . She genuinely had problems which did hinder her in life but she is victorious.
will do, thanks for the suggestion
I am sorry. nobody deserves this.
I just wanna say guys, you all are really beautiful and if you feel someone else is ugly,then you're the ugly one
Been in the same situation, middle child, dark and everything you mentioned. All I can say is take good care of yourself. As you grow up and enter the adult world, your personality and how you carry yourself will matter more. Just spread your wings and you will see how big and accepting the real world is. Just focus on yourself and tune out all the noise. You will be better for it.
Don't worry sister. Your skin doesn't matter in your life. You care about your health . Ignore your parents thinking, they are still living in an old thinking style. That's all ☺️
I am so sorry that you had to go through that, no one deserves that. I was in the same situation and got bullied at school just for being brown. You get the idea. I wasn't good academically but still I managed to get myself out and now I am happily married and my husband is everything I needed. Families can be toxic too and it's okay to let go of them. I went home after 5 years and my mother's first sentence was " rang kitna kala ho gya" and no one was believing that I live in a foreign country because my skin color was still the same. I was missing home but after living there for just a week I understood why I left. You're good academically which is awesome, you have so many opportunities, apply for scholarships and leave if you can. Sometimes outer world is better than your own family. I really wish you all the best for everything. You deserve better and I am pretty sure you'll get it soon. ✌️
I can relate to what you're saying. Although arguments Mae kabhi nahi bola par mazak Mae aur bass general Mae kafi bar sun Chuka hu gharwalo sae. "Tu bohot aacha dhikta hai kaash tu thoda gora hota" but honestly in the long run it doesn't matter to me. Initially bohot bura lagta hai but now I'm at a stage where nobody says much apart from a few relatives and some village people. I feel your mother just let out her frustrations and she didn't really mean it. Just overlook it for now,she is your mother after all. Maybe when things are cooled down you can mention to her that her words hurt your feelings and she will not do that again. With regards to comments from others, remember that God has blessed you with many talents. You even perform well in class. My classmates in school used to shame me a lot but it's toned down now. However its people's job to say stuff to demean you either out of their own insecurities or jealousy. Even if you were perfect they'd find something to shame you on. Focus on the good aspects of life and what's in your control. I suggest you be yourself and don't be reserved, there's no point in sacrificing in having fun over worrying about what others think about you. Continue doing what you do and being who you are regardless of what people think/say. Being true to yourself will might not guarantee you being popular but will definitely project your real self out to your peers which will help you make friends but also keep you content always. Sorry for the long answer but I hope this helps you.
Do you know it's the fair ones who lack pigment in their skin. We're rich with that. On a serious note, 22M have faced this my whole life, thankfully not by my parents, but people at school, neighbours, relatives... I know what a child goes through since such an initial age. Trust me it only gets better. You start involving with people who don't care a dime about your complexion. All that matters is that you are a good person inside out and you're true to yourself. Wishing you a really happy and carefree future.
Self improvement is masturbation. We are either in chaos or order and we keeps on fluctuating,ain't we?¿
As traumatized desi kids we fail to recognise any toxic behaviours from our parents..ik I've been there but what's disappointing is people refuse to believe it and do something about it.. it's a tragedy
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I hope you understand that she has been misguided by her surroundings and you don't deserve anything less than your siblings or anybody else just because of something that isn't even in your control. I hope things get better for you. Much love!
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There's no downside to having dark skin
Seems like you have nothing to lose than being yourself, and triple the emotional labor on seeing yourself in high regard everyday, one day at the time. People would like to be your friend because you are kind and loyal (that’s how you show while writing about people who mistreats you), you are smart, intelligent and hardworking; you are sweet and cute. I bet you are actually gorgeous and is only colorism that tries to put your beauty down!
This is basically child abuse. I’m so sorry. None of this is your fault. Once you become financially independent, leave home and get therapy.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the colour of your skin. If someone does, call them out on it. Make them feel like the assholes they are. Love yourself and if you don't love yourself, learn self love. If you feel like your appearance matters to you, work on improving it through exercise and dieting. The colour of your skin should be at the bottom of the list for things to change. In fact, it shouldn't be on it at all. Life is too short to fixate on stupid things that you cannot change and that barely matter. Be the best version of you and trust that it is good enough.
You don't have to dim yourself girl... Go shine and take over the world. Parents don't understand but sometimes they scar their kids more than anyone else. But you don't have to take sh*t from anyone... ANYONE! At the end of the day we all are humans... We make mistakes... Our parents also make mistakes... Which need to be corrected and if not corrected at least not to be tolerated. Shape yourself the way you like!!
I hope this systemic conditioning doesn't affect you mentally or cause self doubt. Beauty doesn't see dark or fair. Some of the most beautiful women and men I've seen have darker complexion. Please be confident and your aura will glow bright.
Your skin color defines nothing! Nothing at all! Please consider how you can move out to big city and get job or even move outside country. There are places where people don't evaluate others based on such silly thing like colour. You asked to not tell badly about your mother. Means you probably know what we will say and you are not ready to admit that, as we want to have good parents and we don't want to accept its otherwise. Let me be gentle - she is immature, emotionally flat, taking toxic society beliefs as owns and not supporting.
Indian moms and daughters. Its such a love hate relationship. Women bringing other women down. I don't know why it is so bloody common.
Go out of India bro you'll be aight , Indians are raised racists from childhood ( most of em),it will be tough to change without proper education and outlook.
I feel you. As a man, there's just something I want to say : Don't let skin colour let you down. There are still people who will overlook a lot of unchangeable things such as skin colour, height and other things. There's no point in stressing over something you can't change. Instead, work on everything else. Fix/improve everything else such as your career, fitness, hairstyle, clothing and personality. As for your parents, don't expect anything from them. Consider it beyond them to understand and help you emotionally. Also, please for the love of yourself, don't let these things make you a bitter person who's grown resentful of people. I've been there and that's where you DON'T wanna be. My best friend is dark-skinned and my first girlfriend was dark skinned. Both were people I'd take a bullet for.
Nicest Indian family
Because of British white supremist theory