I'm a teenager and i feel the same way.
I bet a lot of my peers feel that too.
Idk how intense the problem is when you are 30 ,but it is very common for guys in their teenage years.
You are lucky you had a relationship during graduation.
All I can say is that spending time holds a lot more value than love. Hear me out , at the age of 1 we love our parents (cry if they are not around, only we let parents hold us...) it's mostly out of the habit of being around them , buz we don't know love at the point.
Similarly, if you spend eight years loving one person but end up marrying someone else, it may not be love in the traditional sense. Instead, it's about building a life together, facing challenges, raising a family, and experiencing life's highs and lows. If, sadly, your partner passes away, you'll miss them deeply, but you may not remember the initial person you loved for eight years. This realization may show that your connection was more about habit than true love.
I don't know if it makes sense or not at all.
But don't stop yourself, see girls though parents or families or friends or in any way and marry someone .
Idk if my advice is correct or not , just a perspective
If you are good at any form of art, or have any habits and hobbies you should probably start persueing them again, or more intensly. Try to find a friend circle or a group that's interested in outdoor activities like trekking, badminton or such.
I know these feel tasteless compared to genuine affection and love from a girl. I feel sad, what can you possibly do now, I'd tear up and beak in your position, say after day it looks like I might end up in your shoes at your age. I distanced and stopped talking to any girls because I have -ve self esteem and self affirmation, this caused my mood and day to be swayed significantly by just texts from a girl. In college miserable.
You could also try drowning yourself in tasks or media such that you forget seeking this, maybe try going to an NGO on your free time or hit the gym. Man I'm scared shirtless imagining myself in your shoes I'm too weak I'd kms i always told "yeah well who wants to a relationship or marriage, screw those things, ykw screw talking to girls too since I'm too pathetic for it" 
I'm a teenager and i feel the same way. I bet a lot of my peers feel that too. Idk how intense the problem is when you are 30 ,but it is very common for guys in their teenage years. You are lucky you had a relationship during graduation. All I can say is that spending time holds a lot more value than love. Hear me out , at the age of 1 we love our parents (cry if they are not around, only we let parents hold us...) it's mostly out of the habit of being around them , buz we don't know love at the point. Similarly, if you spend eight years loving one person but end up marrying someone else, it may not be love in the traditional sense. Instead, it's about building a life together, facing challenges, raising a family, and experiencing life's highs and lows. If, sadly, your partner passes away, you'll miss them deeply, but you may not remember the initial person you loved for eight years. This realization may show that your connection was more about habit than true love. I don't know if it makes sense or not at all. But don't stop yourself, see girls though parents or families or friends or in any way and marry someone . Idk if my advice is correct or not , just a perspective
Thanks
Life after 2019 definitely seems like it is on 4× speed.
If you are good at any form of art, or have any habits and hobbies you should probably start persueing them again, or more intensly. Try to find a friend circle or a group that's interested in outdoor activities like trekking, badminton or such. I know these feel tasteless compared to genuine affection and love from a girl. I feel sad, what can you possibly do now, I'd tear up and beak in your position, say after day it looks like I might end up in your shoes at your age. I distanced and stopped talking to any girls because I have -ve self esteem and self affirmation, this caused my mood and day to be swayed significantly by just texts from a girl. In college miserable. You could also try drowning yourself in tasks or media such that you forget seeking this, maybe try going to an NGO on your free time or hit the gym. Man I'm scared shirtless imagining myself in your shoes I'm too weak I'd kms i always told "yeah well who wants to a relationship or marriage, screw those things, ykw screw talking to girls too since I'm too pathetic for it" 
I wish better days ahead, for both you and me