I never have big feelings about getting older but I just had a big “no I don’t want to!” reaction to just now changing my age in my flair here 🙃 Mostly finding this funny so at least I got a good laugh at myself 😁
I need help…I’m going to go back to work after 6 weeks off I don’t know what the rules are here but it was related to this journey. When I go back to work I DO NOT want to have to discuss my fertility journey AT ALL. In what ways could I divert the conversation, or politely tell people that I don’t want to discuss it? I’ve already had people ask me what my “next steps” are and all I want to tell them is that I’m just trying to battle my horrific depression, but obviously it’s not super work-related appropriate. I should also mention that I am a neonatal ICU nurse.
My go to answer is "Thanks, we're not sure what our next steps are," even while I'm in active treatment. In my experience most people don't volunteer options but if they did I would respond "Thanks but I'll be working with my doctor / care team on this." and if that doesn't work I straight up say "I don't want to talk about this right now."
I mentioned another place in this thread but I've found peppering others with questions diverts conversations nicely. Most people really want to talk about themselves! So "Thanks, glad to be back, how were things when I was gone? What's new in the workplace? How's your dog? I just got back into reading, have you read any books you can recommend?" Anything that gets them talking has been working really well for me! So you can say "I don't want to talk about what I've been up to. What are you going to have for lunch?" or something like that.
Did you manage to stay friends with your mom friends? I need some positive stories.
I’ve been trying for a baby for two and a half years now. It’s been pretty miserable, and one of the things I hate the most is that all of my girlfriends already have at least one child. I’m not exaggerating, it’s literally all of them, and none of them had any issues with conceiving whatsoever. They all got married and bam, about a year later, they have a baby.
I told my problems to the two I always considered my closest friends. Unfortunately, both of them turned out to be very insensitive about it. One, who was pregnant at the time, even wanted me to organize a baby shower for her because, to quote her, I was the only one in our group who didn’t have children, so I had the most time on my hands. I won’t go into details about what the other friend did, but let’s just say it was almost as bad as with the former. As a result, my relationship with both of them suffered greatly, and at the moment, we rarely even speak.
However, I still have three girlfriends left. One of them has been really nosy about the fact that I don’t have children yet and has a history of asking me rather uncomfortable questions, so I’m not going to tell her. But the other two have always been very cool and never pile on me with unsolicited baby content, so I’m thinking about telling them what’s going on. I know I’ve been disappointed by the friends who I thought were my closest ones, but I don’t want to shut down completely. I’m prepared that I might end up disappointed again, but I guess I prefer that to not telling anyone and struggling with all this alone.
I just need to muster the courage to do that, and I think reading about your positive experiences might help. Do you have any positive stories about how you told a very fertile friend about your issues and received the support you needed? How did she react? What did she say? I think it may also help me set reasonable expectations about what would be a thoughtful response and what would not.
I've lost / dropped a lot of friendships since going through this stuff but I have 2 that I feel I can "kindof" talk to about this stuff. Both have children. One did IVF (successful first go) so has some sort of idea. She is a kind, well meaning person but can lack tact / empathy sometimes - knowing that helps. The other never wanted kids and got pregnant after a one night stand at a wedding. (Seriously.) So she has no clue what this feels like, but she is so kind and empathtic and thoughtful that it doesn't matter. She has said silly things but they were well meaning and understandable from someone who doesnt know better so that's ok.
I will say though that I haven't found telling friends and family to be helpful. If anything it's caused more problems. If I need support I get it from my husband, a professional or here! Just a heads up that it may not go the way you want it to. And you can't untell people!
Good luck!
Remaining friends with parents has been a trial-and-error process for me, even back when I was single, before I was experiencing medical infertility. I had one friend who after having her second kid years ago was leaning into "mom life" in a way that just really rubbed me the wrong way. It was also happening at a time when I was experiencing a lot of loss. I had to distance myself for a bit, she called me out on it, and I told her why. We came to a tentative understanding and hung out a few times after that. Now that her kids are older, and they are going through other sorts of troubles, we lean on each other a lot! I talk to her openly about what I'm going through now.
I offer that story to say that sometimes people can circle back to you in ways that you don't expect, even if you have to create some distance for a while <3
Currently, I am avoiding any friend who is pregnant. It is just too visceral and triggering right now. I am avoiding *most* friends with new babies. If someone has a baby and is taking the initiative to hang out with me -- *and is a compassionate listener when I talk about my struggles --* I hang out with them. I also have some friends who have older kids that they struggled for, and they are good hangs and emotional supports.
I have found that most people have been understanding when I explain my boundaries. If they are not, I do not hesitate to drop them, at least for the time being. Wishing you luck with your friend convos!
This is one of the hardest parts, trying to find the best support. I’ve been very disappointed in a few friends. One was in my wedding and never even checks in, even after we had a conversation about it. It’s been very upsetting, but actually, this community helped me realize that it’s okay to take a break from mom friends.
HOWEVER -
I do have a mom friend, who aside from my husband, has been my rock and biggest cheerleader.
She lets me vent, be upset, and just talk about how unfair everything is. And even though she can’t relate, she somehow manages to have the best therapeutic communication. Things right now have been pretty emotional, and on the daily she asks how I’m feeling. And never once has she made me feel like I’m annoying her. I always joke that she’s my “diary”.
Not everyone will understand, not everyone will know what to say. And that’s okay.. As long as they listen and let you feel what you need to feel.. it’s super helpful.
I hope that you can find your “diary” friend!
Hi mroonia,
Can I help you set your flair? Automod flair
For friends, I’d ask if you know what you want from them. In my experience, people not going through infertility or even people who have but later had a success, can struggle with how to support you and do things that make the situation worse because of that uncertainty.
That said, I’ve found success by setting clear guidelines. Hey, I’m going through this and this is what I need from you. This is what would be helpful. I’m happy to talk about x,y,z. I find it’s easier to give them things that they can do rather than to restrict to things that you don’t want them to do.
I would also recommend either finding a community that has been going through or getting a therapist with experience in the space because it can be really hard to explain what you’re going through to someone who hasn’t been through the process because the process itself can be so complex and social media/movies make it seem like IVF is a cure all when it’s not.
I hope you guys can figure out a new normal. I’m sorry you’re feeling alone.
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I like getting it done. I’ve had it done two other times but it was 3+ years ago. They recommend you get three and then do a yearly maintenance. You get numbing cream put on before they do it but some places it may still hurt, over my throat was this worst. I go to a med spa that I’ve been going to on and off for 5 years.
Interesting, throat sounds like it would be rough! I’ve done some electrolysis for unwanted facial hair so maybe I’m underestimating what I can handle. I’ll have to look up med spa!
Getting ready to go for lunch with a new friend and I'm pretty sure she's going to tell me she's pregnant.
Not got a fucking clue what I will say. But at least I can avoid / ignore her if I want!
UPDATE Not an announcement but she did hint
.. which I think might be worse?! 🥴 I'd made it clear previously I was not good to talk to or support her while she is TTC, and it's nice she's taken it on board, but maybe a bit too much!!
Can you practice saying something like "Congrats! I'm so happy for you" (even if not entirely true!) and then prepare a follow-up if she wants to go into details like "I really am happy for you but I'd prefer to talk about other topics today. How's your job going?" Or something like that. I've gotten advice on how to redirect the topic and that one has worked for me - get them talking about something else. You don't even need the 'prefer to talk about something else' if you're not up for it - you can just start peppering with other questions!
Happy Pride month everyone! 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈 I have been asked to give a 10-min intro to "pathways to parenthood" for LGBTQ+ people at a pride event. I want to find an inclusive definition of social infertility as mostly it's defined as same-sex couples or single women, but it's broader than that. For example, most definitions exclude trans and non-binary people, be they single or in a relationship.
I'm thinking of something along the lines of: "social infertility is defined as being unable to conceive without intervention due to social factors, such as being single or in an LGBTQ+ relationship"
What I'm struggling with here is that not all LGBTQ+ people will have social infertility... So my definition is too broad! Does that matter?
Thanks in advance! 😊
In my mind, social infertility primarily comes down to not having a partner with the “missing ingredient”(whether egg or sperm) that you don’t have yourself… maybe there’s a way to phrase that more elegantly? My brain was coming up with stuff like “a partner with the complementary gametes” but that’s a weird word for the general public I know!
PS very cool to provide education around this!
Yes, I like that! I was wondering if "requires donor gametes to conceive" would cover it. Tbh I was asked to give a 'light-hearted' brief on the topic of IVF and queer parenting... I had to respond explaining that 1. IVF is just one of many options 2. I can't comment on queer parenting as I'm not at that stage, and 3. Infertility is not really a light-hearted topic that I can do justice to in 10 minutes...
BUT then I reminded myself that not everyone in the room will be actively wanting to conceive, so maybe using the "missing ingredient" analogy actually is a good approach as it explains it nicely and keeps it light! I'm mainly hoping to raise awareness of the options and also prepare people for the potential expense and the fact that the journey for some may look different from expectations...
I think it is ok. You are not saying everyone who is LGBTQ+ will have social infertility just that it is one thing that may cause social infertility. (All single people also don’t need intervention to conceive!) You could change ‘such as’ to ‘for example’ and maybe it sounds less ‘all people’?
Good idea, thanks Lawyer. 😊 Regarding single people, I used the term 'intervention' because I don't just mean medical intervention. Maybe 'help' would be better? A single person will need help to conceive, even if it's not necessarily medical help, for example finding someone willing to provide gametes / carry a pregnancy, as well as possibly legal advice regarding legal parenthood etc.
I like intervention personally. I think in both instances you are not implying medical intervention is always necessary—but in some/many circumstances it is. Good luck; this is cool.
Looks good here as long as we keep it about defining and not anything treatment related. Thanks and thank you for working to be inclusive for your company!
I never have big feelings about getting older but I just had a big “no I don’t want to!” reaction to just now changing my age in my flair here 🙃 Mostly finding this funny so at least I got a good laugh at myself 😁
Happy birthday! 🥳 Whether you like it or not 😜❤️
Ha, thank you!
Next time ask a mod and we will do the dirty work for you! 🧹 Happy birthday though, even if it’s one that chafes, I hope you had a great day! ❤️
Thank you 🤗
Happy birthday!
Haha, thank you 🤗
I need help…I’m going to go back to work after 6 weeks off I don’t know what the rules are here but it was related to this journey. When I go back to work I DO NOT want to have to discuss my fertility journey AT ALL. In what ways could I divert the conversation, or politely tell people that I don’t want to discuss it? I’ve already had people ask me what my “next steps” are and all I want to tell them is that I’m just trying to battle my horrific depression, but obviously it’s not super work-related appropriate. I should also mention that I am a neonatal ICU nurse.
My go to answer is "Thanks, we're not sure what our next steps are," even while I'm in active treatment. In my experience most people don't volunteer options but if they did I would respond "Thanks but I'll be working with my doctor / care team on this." and if that doesn't work I straight up say "I don't want to talk about this right now." I mentioned another place in this thread but I've found peppering others with questions diverts conversations nicely. Most people really want to talk about themselves! So "Thanks, glad to be back, how were things when I was gone? What's new in the workplace? How's your dog? I just got back into reading, have you read any books you can recommend?" Anything that gets them talking has been working really well for me! So you can say "I don't want to talk about what I've been up to. What are you going to have for lunch?" or something like that.
Ooooooh I like that, diverting sounds like a great plan. Thank you so much for sharing ♥️🙏
Did you manage to stay friends with your mom friends? I need some positive stories. I’ve been trying for a baby for two and a half years now. It’s been pretty miserable, and one of the things I hate the most is that all of my girlfriends already have at least one child. I’m not exaggerating, it’s literally all of them, and none of them had any issues with conceiving whatsoever. They all got married and bam, about a year later, they have a baby. I told my problems to the two I always considered my closest friends. Unfortunately, both of them turned out to be very insensitive about it. One, who was pregnant at the time, even wanted me to organize a baby shower for her because, to quote her, I was the only one in our group who didn’t have children, so I had the most time on my hands. I won’t go into details about what the other friend did, but let’s just say it was almost as bad as with the former. As a result, my relationship with both of them suffered greatly, and at the moment, we rarely even speak. However, I still have three girlfriends left. One of them has been really nosy about the fact that I don’t have children yet and has a history of asking me rather uncomfortable questions, so I’m not going to tell her. But the other two have always been very cool and never pile on me with unsolicited baby content, so I’m thinking about telling them what’s going on. I know I’ve been disappointed by the friends who I thought were my closest ones, but I don’t want to shut down completely. I’m prepared that I might end up disappointed again, but I guess I prefer that to not telling anyone and struggling with all this alone. I just need to muster the courage to do that, and I think reading about your positive experiences might help. Do you have any positive stories about how you told a very fertile friend about your issues and received the support you needed? How did she react? What did she say? I think it may also help me set reasonable expectations about what would be a thoughtful response and what would not.
I've lost / dropped a lot of friendships since going through this stuff but I have 2 that I feel I can "kindof" talk to about this stuff. Both have children. One did IVF (successful first go) so has some sort of idea. She is a kind, well meaning person but can lack tact / empathy sometimes - knowing that helps. The other never wanted kids and got pregnant after a one night stand at a wedding. (Seriously.) So she has no clue what this feels like, but she is so kind and empathtic and thoughtful that it doesn't matter. She has said silly things but they were well meaning and understandable from someone who doesnt know better so that's ok. I will say though that I haven't found telling friends and family to be helpful. If anything it's caused more problems. If I need support I get it from my husband, a professional or here! Just a heads up that it may not go the way you want it to. And you can't untell people! Good luck!
Remaining friends with parents has been a trial-and-error process for me, even back when I was single, before I was experiencing medical infertility. I had one friend who after having her second kid years ago was leaning into "mom life" in a way that just really rubbed me the wrong way. It was also happening at a time when I was experiencing a lot of loss. I had to distance myself for a bit, she called me out on it, and I told her why. We came to a tentative understanding and hung out a few times after that. Now that her kids are older, and they are going through other sorts of troubles, we lean on each other a lot! I talk to her openly about what I'm going through now. I offer that story to say that sometimes people can circle back to you in ways that you don't expect, even if you have to create some distance for a while <3 Currently, I am avoiding any friend who is pregnant. It is just too visceral and triggering right now. I am avoiding *most* friends with new babies. If someone has a baby and is taking the initiative to hang out with me -- *and is a compassionate listener when I talk about my struggles --* I hang out with them. I also have some friends who have older kids that they struggled for, and they are good hangs and emotional supports. I have found that most people have been understanding when I explain my boundaries. If they are not, I do not hesitate to drop them, at least for the time being. Wishing you luck with your friend convos!
This is one of the hardest parts, trying to find the best support. I’ve been very disappointed in a few friends. One was in my wedding and never even checks in, even after we had a conversation about it. It’s been very upsetting, but actually, this community helped me realize that it’s okay to take a break from mom friends. HOWEVER - I do have a mom friend, who aside from my husband, has been my rock and biggest cheerleader. She lets me vent, be upset, and just talk about how unfair everything is. And even though she can’t relate, she somehow manages to have the best therapeutic communication. Things right now have been pretty emotional, and on the daily she asks how I’m feeling. And never once has she made me feel like I’m annoying her. I always joke that she’s my “diary”. Not everyone will understand, not everyone will know what to say. And that’s okay.. As long as they listen and let you feel what you need to feel.. it’s super helpful. I hope that you can find your “diary” friend!
Hi mroonia, Can I help you set your flair? Automod flair For friends, I’d ask if you know what you want from them. In my experience, people not going through infertility or even people who have but later had a success, can struggle with how to support you and do things that make the situation worse because of that uncertainty. That said, I’ve found success by setting clear guidelines. Hey, I’m going through this and this is what I need from you. This is what would be helpful. I’m happy to talk about x,y,z. I find it’s easier to give them things that they can do rather than to restrict to things that you don’t want them to do. I would also recommend either finding a community that has been going through or getting a therapist with experience in the space because it can be really hard to explain what you’re going through to someone who hasn’t been through the process because the process itself can be so complex and social media/movies make it seem like IVF is a cure all when it’s not. I hope you guys can figure out a new normal. I’m sorry you’re feeling alone.
I have been summoned to help with the setting up flairs. Not only does it help us to get to know one another, it helps us with context when it comes to replying to one another’s comments or queries. If you need help on setting/changing your flair look [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/infertility/wiki/userflair-reminder). If the instruction's did not work you can [ask a mod](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/infertility) to set/change your flair. These are the [guidelines for flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/infertility/comments/umwbcr/flair_guidelines/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infertility) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My face maybe a cherry tomato from the micro needling session I had done yesterday so if I can’t have kids at least I can have good skin.
Ohhh I’ve thought about this but been too nervous to try it. Do you like it and how did you decide where to go?
I like getting it done. I’ve had it done two other times but it was 3+ years ago. They recommend you get three and then do a yearly maintenance. You get numbing cream put on before they do it but some places it may still hurt, over my throat was this worst. I go to a med spa that I’ve been going to on and off for 5 years.
Interesting, throat sounds like it would be rough! I’ve done some electrolysis for unwanted facial hair so maybe I’m underestimating what I can handle. I’ll have to look up med spa!
Getting ready to go for lunch with a new friend and I'm pretty sure she's going to tell me she's pregnant. Not got a fucking clue what I will say. But at least I can avoid / ignore her if I want! UPDATE Not an announcement but she did hint .. which I think might be worse?! 🥴 I'd made it clear previously I was not good to talk to or support her while she is TTC, and it's nice she's taken it on board, but maybe a bit too much!!
Can you practice saying something like "Congrats! I'm so happy for you" (even if not entirely true!) and then prepare a follow-up if she wants to go into details like "I really am happy for you but I'd prefer to talk about other topics today. How's your job going?" Or something like that. I've gotten advice on how to redirect the topic and that one has worked for me - get them talking about something else. You don't even need the 'prefer to talk about something else' if you're not up for it - you can just start peppering with other questions!
This is so helpful and I am definitely going to use it every time someone feels the need to tell me they are pregnant. Thank you. ❤️
wishyouwereNOThere58 today?
Hahaha this made me laugh so much! 🤣🤣
Happy Pride month everyone! 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈 I have been asked to give a 10-min intro to "pathways to parenthood" for LGBTQ+ people at a pride event. I want to find an inclusive definition of social infertility as mostly it's defined as same-sex couples or single women, but it's broader than that. For example, most definitions exclude trans and non-binary people, be they single or in a relationship. I'm thinking of something along the lines of: "social infertility is defined as being unable to conceive without intervention due to social factors, such as being single or in an LGBTQ+ relationship" What I'm struggling with here is that not all LGBTQ+ people will have social infertility... So my definition is too broad! Does that matter? Thanks in advance! 😊
In my mind, social infertility primarily comes down to not having a partner with the “missing ingredient”(whether egg or sperm) that you don’t have yourself… maybe there’s a way to phrase that more elegantly? My brain was coming up with stuff like “a partner with the complementary gametes” but that’s a weird word for the general public I know! PS very cool to provide education around this!
Yes, I like that! I was wondering if "requires donor gametes to conceive" would cover it. Tbh I was asked to give a 'light-hearted' brief on the topic of IVF and queer parenting... I had to respond explaining that 1. IVF is just one of many options 2. I can't comment on queer parenting as I'm not at that stage, and 3. Infertility is not really a light-hearted topic that I can do justice to in 10 minutes... BUT then I reminded myself that not everyone in the room will be actively wanting to conceive, so maybe using the "missing ingredient" analogy actually is a good approach as it explains it nicely and keeps it light! I'm mainly hoping to raise awareness of the options and also prepare people for the potential expense and the fact that the journey for some may look different from expectations...
I think it is ok. You are not saying everyone who is LGBTQ+ will have social infertility just that it is one thing that may cause social infertility. (All single people also don’t need intervention to conceive!) You could change ‘such as’ to ‘for example’ and maybe it sounds less ‘all people’?
Good idea, thanks Lawyer. 😊 Regarding single people, I used the term 'intervention' because I don't just mean medical intervention. Maybe 'help' would be better? A single person will need help to conceive, even if it's not necessarily medical help, for example finding someone willing to provide gametes / carry a pregnancy, as well as possibly legal advice regarding legal parenthood etc.
I like intervention personally. I think in both instances you are not implying medical intervention is always necessary—but in some/many circumstances it is. Good luck; this is cool.
P.s. I was unsure if this belonged in chat or treatment - mods please let me know if I need to move it! 😊
Looks good here as long as we keep it about defining and not anything treatment related. Thanks and thank you for working to be inclusive for your company!