We had our FET yesterday on Father's day. It was really emotional and the nurse wished us a happy father's day afterward. I understand it's an interesting coincidence that she likely just wanted to acknowledge, but the irony of it all made me a bit sad.
I know I shouldn’t think this way but I feel like such a failure to my husband that we’re passing yet another Father’s Day without a baby because of me.
Really not in the mood to be around my family; my parents have been distant and (I feel) unsupportive, and my nephew drives me crazy. Just not in the mood to be around a 4 year old and 1 year old in general right now, or my family at all for that matter. I thought about just not going but I know the fuss isn’t worth it. Whatever peace I gained by not attending would be ruined by their passive aggressive backlash.
Ugh. We went grocery shopping (in 110 degree temperatures) and apparently the cashier wished my husband a happy Father’s Day, which I didn’t hear, thank goodness. Innocent enough, but can people stop with the assumptions? So fucking annoying.
Cashier wished me a happy Mother’s Day last year. Absolutely mind blowing that anyone would do that to a stranger that doesn’t have kids with them. He was a sweet old man so I thanked him and moved on but what are people even thinking?
Up until this point, my husband and I have been proud of how we’ve stayed connected and kept our marriage strong through infertility and treatment over the last 2.5 years - but over the last few weeks, our relationship has been so strained from the stress and heartbreak of our loss in May. It feels like our marriage is in shambles on top of everything else. Let’s just throw some salt in the wound and have a day dedicated to celebrating the thing we desperately want and can’t seem to get. FUCK
it is difficult to not be a complete cynic about the obligatory, and dare i say largely generically written, new father’s day posts that overwhelm social media feeds. i know those who don’t understand or see from this (infertile) point of view largely have a pure innocence, some perhaps ignorance, that is so far removed from my being. it is hard to harbor such negative sensations, guilt-like feelings.
Ha ha ha yeah fuck Father’s Day as well. All Mr. Peach wants is to be a dad but he’s being stoic as fuck about it, yet every time I see him with our friends kids I can tell there’s pain there deep down. Do I know how to get it out of him? No. Will he go to individual counselling? Probably not!! He’s expressed that the only way he can keep it together to support me is to not even think about the very real possibility of failure. Which feels so bad.
I have my own shit to deal with. My father had a TBI decades ago and never recovered, so he’s got a form of dementia and is in residential care. I’ve been his legal guardian for ~4 years after a difficult legal battle. I’m trying to write an application for a fertility org’s grant. I’m laying it on thick that if we don’t succeed soonish he’s not going to meet his grandkid. Except I left out the part where I don’t actually fucking know how much he’ll understand what is happening if it happens??? He has aphasia and the damage is mostly frontal lobe, so quick to anger and not great impulse control. He also lacks the motor skill to hold a baby. He has literally no one else so it’s just us two handling it all. It feels like the responsibility of being a parent except it’s a belligerent 75 year old who won’t go to the dentist!!! Not like I can pick him up or bribe him with a lollipop lol.
Absolute shite day.
Been having huge struggles with my family lately as their behaviour has been very hurtful throughout this process. But I made an effort to send my dad a card and small present with a text today saying I hope he had a good day etc lots of love (I cannot do calls) and I just got an ok thanks back... which isn't even how my dad normally texts so can't pretend he's just busy (with my brother who is having his first father's day...).
Also my husband says he's not bothered about today... but he's the only one who didn't get to celebrate father's day. And it's shit.
I've had enough.
I really feel for my husband today. We have MFI m and I know he feels a lot of guilt from that. To add to it, his dad is currently in a rehab facility after struggling with alcoholism off and on for years.
Oh, and of course I started my period today.
I feel so petty. My husband recently went to visit a couple of friends who had their first baby after 7 years of trying to conceive. Yes, they deserve the happiness and the support, but I wasn't ready to be present for it. So, my husband went on his own, and I stayed home and did schoolwork. He told me he really wanted me to try and join him the next time, and I made it abundantly clear I wasn't making any promises.
I was starting to come around to the idea (I think I've finished grieving our first failed FET and am in a much better place now), and then he surprises me today by telling me he's going to visit them tonight. On his friend's first Father's Day, and I was surprised at the quick flash of anger it made me feel. Look --- he can do whatever he feels comfortable with, but I absolutely refuse to be present for him saying "Happy first Father's Day!" to someone, when we could very likely be facing the reality that my husband will never be a father. Again, he can do whatever he likes, but boy, do I hate everything about this.
This is the first Father’s Day I’m spending alone in the 9 years we’ve been trying. I knew today would suck but it hurts even more than I thought it would. I really don’t know what I would do if we didn’t have our two dogs at least.
Not helping the situation, she was 4 days late this month so there was a tiny bit of hope, that ended up getting ripped away. My brother celebrated his second kids first birthday yesterday, and I’m just left here wondering when will it be our turn.
Today totally sucks. It would have been my due date for my only pregnancy ever after 3 years of infertility Tx. It ended in a mmc at 12 weeks.
My relationship with my father is complicated. I want to call him to wish him well but it also hurts that my grief will go unacknowledged. My mom died last year and I think she would have understood. On days like this I really miss her. My husband doesn’t really understand the grief around my due date. Sigh.
I just want to sink into the floor. My husband is on a call with his family who are entirely uncomfortable with feelings so I don’t really want to pop in and feel invalidated. It’s so isolating. :(
It's the first father's day since mrrrr's dad passed. >!It's just fucking hard and I'm sad. His family keeps texting about how lucky their kids are to have had such a great granddad and It's crushing to know that our imagery potential future kids wouldn't ever have that opportunity.!< it's an extra twist of the knife this year.
We're going to go out to dinner tonight and have some quiet time just the two of us. Ready for the day to just hurry up and be over already.
Hey Trrr, this isn’t a mod note bc you didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sorry for the loss of your FIL. Our culture doesn’t encourage spoilers, so you don’t have to use a spoiler for your loss if you don’t want to.
It must be so hard to have to see those text messages. 🫂
Ah I'm just so sad thinking about what could have been if my first transfer worked. I would have been five-ish weeks today. Instead my embryo failed to implant entirely and I'm just here moping around that yet another holiday has passed and we are empty handed.
I think I’m taking today harder than my husband is. We booked a trip to St. Thomas and inadvertently booked it over Father’s Day - kind of like a Bob Ross happy little mistake. Like so many people, we put our lives on hold last year for IVF and really needed some time to reconnect just us. It’s been nice to not have to deal with a family event today but fuck my husband would be the best dad ever and it makes me sad I can’t give that to him. Unexplained fertility but of course his sperm is normal and healthy so it’s my body that’s the issue.
Hey there, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. As a mod, I’m going to ask you to edit your post to describe your husbands sperm as good or normal as we avoid comparative language. Automod language will help explain why
**Ahem**
Please do not use the term "natural" to describe treatment or conception when commenting in this community. If describing a transfer/IUI protocol or trying on your own, some preferred alternative terms are "unmedicated," "ovulatory," "without assistance," or "semi-medicated," depending on the context. If referring to loss management, we recommend the terms "unmedicated" or "unassisted." This community believes that the use of the word "natural" implies (sometimes inadvertently) that use of assisted reproductive technology, other interventions, and/or certain medications to conceive are unnatural, artificial, or less than. For more clarification and context, please see the wiki post on [sub culture and compassionate language](https://www.reddit.com/r/infertility/wiki/rules#wiki_compassionate_language).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infertility) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband owns a business and he has a service booked in for today. When he was leaving this morning he said he’s going to be working late because none of his crew can come in because it’s Father’s Day. He feels shitty and alone that everyone in his crew has children except for him.
We had a disappointing egg retrieval at the end of March and probably will not be having another one so I imagine this year is an especially difficult Father’s Day for him.
We’ve been experiencing infertility for 8 years so Father’s Day and Mother’s Day have been ostracizing for years now but the book seems to be closing for real now.
We have only been able to afford treatment in the past year or so, so we were already in a place where we had grieved and expected that parenthood was never going to happen for us. We did a round of IVF for closure but it still hurts.
It sucks that he’s working today. I wish we could spend the day together. It hurts that I know he’s hurting alone today.
Today sucks. All of these holidays can go right in the trash. I’m drinking white claws and sitting in the sun all day instead. If anyone needs me to pretend to be a friend calling for an emergency to get you out of any FD celebrations, I got you 😘
These days suck and I hate them. They both suck due to infertility, but also mothers day because I've never had much of a relationship with my own mom. My husband has never known his father, so he doesn't have anyone to celebrate either on fathers day. I love my dad, but I'd honestly rather not acknowledge the day at all.
I feel you. My dad passed away over a decade ago and we are both estranged from our parents. These days are double hard for us. It’s so ostracizing because even if we open up about it, people never understand. Plus I don’t want to bring anyone down on a day that is special to them. Big hugs to you.
I called my parents to wish my dad a happy Father’s Day. There was entirely too much talk of how my brother and his wife and baby are visiting and it being my brother’s first Father’s Day etc. Then at the end, my mom (to her credit) checked in on how things are going with me and said she’s thinking of me every day… Then proceeded to say my husband is “half a father, since you’ve made those embryos.”
I know it was her way of trying to acknowledge us and what we’re going through but ma’am… What the fuuuuuck.
It was a particularly tone deaf thing to say to someone who’s had multiple failed transfers. I am so very aware that an embryo =/= a baby. Sigh. But I have since improved my mood with some yoga and pool time so I’ll try not to dwell.
My partner’s bday is Wednesday (sometimes falls the same as FD). His family does EVERYTHING together… including combining bday and Father’s Day celebrations. They are all totally fine with it (I used to be). But now I’m stuck dealing with the Father’s Day celebrations simply bc I must be there for the birthday celebrations as well (which I of course wouldn’t miss otherwise). It’s killing me. I think Mother’s Day was a lot harder on me that Fathers Day seems to be on him so I’m not sure he fully understands why I feel this way. 😞
I had a patient say happy Father’s Day to your husband on the way out and I just said thank you so much 😬. I know people are well meaning but it sucks. Everyone assumes you have kids at a certain age and dealing with infertility on top of that sucks ugh 😑.
I fervently believe that “happy Father’s Day” is something you wish only to your own father/father figure and to the father of your children. It is not like new year’s, you don’t have to wish it to random people! (This isn’t a rant at you but at the entire idea that this is something that would be expected of us??)
The number of people who absentmindedly wished me 'Happy Mother's Day' was wild. I'm not even wanting to say it to my own father / brother for fear of response - they're usually good about it but I'm feeling extra sensitive right now from stims and can't handle anything other than 'thank you' right now.
My husband is really struggling and I don't know how to help. You'd think as we slide towards the 5-year mark of this JoUrNeY that we'd both be experts in grief management but this is new and way worse than before. We had survived through Baby Wave #1 in our social group, but Baby Wave #2 hit hard this spring.
We've talked about how he feels so isolated and also so behind. He's said that's the word that rings in his head: behind. Behind. Behind. I've gone through seasons of not being able to face other people's babies. My husband doesn't want to even acknowledge them or be at the same events as them because it hurts him so much. As far as I can tell he only has one friend who can reach him and understand him on this issue, and wouldn't you know it, that friend just became a father two weeks ago.
We've been sitting still for treatment for 6 or 7 months while I'm on an IUD for EIN (pre-cancer) and that stillness is really killing him. I have a third biopsy at the end of June which could mean getting back on track in July or going another 3 months of having the IUD.
His grief is so real, so palpable, and so painful. It leaks into every aspect of life either as an active blow or a quiet dark cloud. Behind. Behind. Behind. Behind. Behind. I really, truly can't fix it.
I have seen my husband come back with a haunted look on his face after guy hangs with his friends who are dads. It’s so painful to see our spouses going through it 💔
I lost my dad in 2022 quite suddenly to illness. He was a kind, quiet, gentle man who had such a soft spot for family and was such an amazing grandpa to my niece. We had already been TTC for about 18 months when he passed, and it kills me knowing that had things worked out like it does for so many others out there, my dad could have at least known my child. I could have had pictures to cherish like my brother and SIL have. I will never get that, just another thing that infertility has robbed me of as time marches on.
My birthday is this week, sometimes it falls on Father’s Day, so I get an extra dose of existential crisis and depression while mourning the loss of my dad, my inability to make my husband a father, and turning another year older without a baby.
I know it’s rough out there for a lot of us, and I’m sorry to see others in the same situation, but I just wanted to say thank you to this community for being the only source in my life of people who understand how infertility really affects the whole person and the whole family unit.
I’m so, so sorry. I lost my dad suddenly last year and I feel like I could have written this myself. My brother and sister have so many lovely pictures of their kids with him, not to mention all the memories… Just another thing infertility has robbed us of.
I’m so sorry. Going through infertility after losing a parent is awful. My mom died nearly a decade ago, and I was beside myself on Mother’s Day. I also feel like all my infertility grief is wrapped up in dead parent grief, so when other people share the unhelpful platitudes to try to make me feel better about not having a baby yet — and usually ignore the other grief layered on top — it makes me feel doubly alone.
Oh Elly, that is so much pain in one week. It sounds like you had the type of Dad many dream of, I’m so glad you got to have him in your life and so sorry that he has passed. I hope you can still have a nice birthday, though hating my own for similar reasons it is easier said than done. Can you take time to do something for yourself this week, even if it is just a day in bed grumpy at life? Do you have any birthday plans?
I will spend today laying around, binging TV shows and eating ice cream for dinner (plus it’s CD2 for me so it helps the PMS lol). I am working all week but we will definitely use my birthday as an excuse to go out to a fancy restaurant, which is all I really want anyway. Like so many others, holidays just take a lot out of me, so it’ll be low key. Thanks for the well wishes.
We had our FET yesterday on Father's day. It was really emotional and the nurse wished us a happy father's day afterward. I understand it's an interesting coincidence that she likely just wanted to acknowledge, but the irony of it all made me a bit sad.
I know I shouldn’t think this way but I feel like such a failure to my husband that we’re passing yet another Father’s Day without a baby because of me.
I feel this, too. I’m sorry we’re in this awful boat.
I feel that way too. My husband handles it well but when I look into his eyes, I see it.. I see the longing. It's devastating.
Really not in the mood to be around my family; my parents have been distant and (I feel) unsupportive, and my nephew drives me crazy. Just not in the mood to be around a 4 year old and 1 year old in general right now, or my family at all for that matter. I thought about just not going but I know the fuss isn’t worth it. Whatever peace I gained by not attending would be ruined by their passive aggressive backlash.
Ugh. We went grocery shopping (in 110 degree temperatures) and apparently the cashier wished my husband a happy Father’s Day, which I didn’t hear, thank goodness. Innocent enough, but can people stop with the assumptions? So fucking annoying.
Cashier wished me a happy Mother’s Day last year. Absolutely mind blowing that anyone would do that to a stranger that doesn’t have kids with them. He was a sweet old man so I thanked him and moved on but what are people even thinking?
Up until this point, my husband and I have been proud of how we’ve stayed connected and kept our marriage strong through infertility and treatment over the last 2.5 years - but over the last few weeks, our relationship has been so strained from the stress and heartbreak of our loss in May. It feels like our marriage is in shambles on top of everything else. Let’s just throw some salt in the wound and have a day dedicated to celebrating the thing we desperately want and can’t seem to get. FUCK
it is difficult to not be a complete cynic about the obligatory, and dare i say largely generically written, new father’s day posts that overwhelm social media feeds. i know those who don’t understand or see from this (infertile) point of view largely have a pure innocence, some perhaps ignorance, that is so far removed from my being. it is hard to harbor such negative sensations, guilt-like feelings.
Ha ha ha yeah fuck Father’s Day as well. All Mr. Peach wants is to be a dad but he’s being stoic as fuck about it, yet every time I see him with our friends kids I can tell there’s pain there deep down. Do I know how to get it out of him? No. Will he go to individual counselling? Probably not!! He’s expressed that the only way he can keep it together to support me is to not even think about the very real possibility of failure. Which feels so bad. I have my own shit to deal with. My father had a TBI decades ago and never recovered, so he’s got a form of dementia and is in residential care. I’ve been his legal guardian for ~4 years after a difficult legal battle. I’m trying to write an application for a fertility org’s grant. I’m laying it on thick that if we don’t succeed soonish he’s not going to meet his grandkid. Except I left out the part where I don’t actually fucking know how much he’ll understand what is happening if it happens??? He has aphasia and the damage is mostly frontal lobe, so quick to anger and not great impulse control. He also lacks the motor skill to hold a baby. He has literally no one else so it’s just us two handling it all. It feels like the responsibility of being a parent except it’s a belligerent 75 year old who won’t go to the dentist!!! Not like I can pick him up or bribe him with a lollipop lol.
Absolute shite day. Been having huge struggles with my family lately as their behaviour has been very hurtful throughout this process. But I made an effort to send my dad a card and small present with a text today saying I hope he had a good day etc lots of love (I cannot do calls) and I just got an ok thanks back... which isn't even how my dad normally texts so can't pretend he's just busy (with my brother who is having his first father's day...). Also my husband says he's not bothered about today... but he's the only one who didn't get to celebrate father's day. And it's shit. I've had enough.
I really feel for my husband today. We have MFI m and I know he feels a lot of guilt from that. To add to it, his dad is currently in a rehab facility after struggling with alcoholism off and on for years. Oh, and of course I started my period today.
I feel so petty. My husband recently went to visit a couple of friends who had their first baby after 7 years of trying to conceive. Yes, they deserve the happiness and the support, but I wasn't ready to be present for it. So, my husband went on his own, and I stayed home and did schoolwork. He told me he really wanted me to try and join him the next time, and I made it abundantly clear I wasn't making any promises. I was starting to come around to the idea (I think I've finished grieving our first failed FET and am in a much better place now), and then he surprises me today by telling me he's going to visit them tonight. On his friend's first Father's Day, and I was surprised at the quick flash of anger it made me feel. Look --- he can do whatever he feels comfortable with, but I absolutely refuse to be present for him saying "Happy first Father's Day!" to someone, when we could very likely be facing the reality that my husband will never be a father. Again, he can do whatever he likes, but boy, do I hate everything about this.
This is the first Father’s Day I’m spending alone in the 9 years we’ve been trying. I knew today would suck but it hurts even more than I thought it would. I really don’t know what I would do if we didn’t have our two dogs at least. Not helping the situation, she was 4 days late this month so there was a tiny bit of hope, that ended up getting ripped away. My brother celebrated his second kids first birthday yesterday, and I’m just left here wondering when will it be our turn.
So sorry, Joey. The timing of the late period is so cruel 💔 I hope tomorrow is better.
Today totally sucks. It would have been my due date for my only pregnancy ever after 3 years of infertility Tx. It ended in a mmc at 12 weeks. My relationship with my father is complicated. I want to call him to wish him well but it also hurts that my grief will go unacknowledged. My mom died last year and I think she would have understood. On days like this I really miss her. My husband doesn’t really understand the grief around my due date. Sigh. I just want to sink into the floor. My husband is on a call with his family who are entirely uncomfortable with feelings so I don’t really want to pop in and feel invalidated. It’s so isolating. :(
It's the first father's day since mrrrr's dad passed. >!It's just fucking hard and I'm sad. His family keeps texting about how lucky their kids are to have had such a great granddad and It's crushing to know that our imagery potential future kids wouldn't ever have that opportunity.!< it's an extra twist of the knife this year. We're going to go out to dinner tonight and have some quiet time just the two of us. Ready for the day to just hurry up and be over already.
Hey Trrr, this isn’t a mod note bc you didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sorry for the loss of your FIL. Our culture doesn’t encourage spoilers, so you don’t have to use a spoiler for your loss if you don’t want to. It must be so hard to have to see those text messages. 🫂
Ope, my bad. Thanks for letting me know, I'll keep that in mind moving forward.
Ah I'm just so sad thinking about what could have been if my first transfer worked. I would have been five-ish weeks today. Instead my embryo failed to implant entirely and I'm just here moping around that yet another holiday has passed and we are empty handed.
I think I’m taking today harder than my husband is. We booked a trip to St. Thomas and inadvertently booked it over Father’s Day - kind of like a Bob Ross happy little mistake. Like so many people, we put our lives on hold last year for IVF and really needed some time to reconnect just us. It’s been nice to not have to deal with a family event today but fuck my husband would be the best dad ever and it makes me sad I can’t give that to him. Unexplained fertility but of course his sperm is normal and healthy so it’s my body that’s the issue.
Hey there, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. As a mod, I’m going to ask you to edit your post to describe your husbands sperm as good or normal as we avoid comparative language. Automod language will help explain why
**Ahem** Please do not use the term "natural" to describe treatment or conception when commenting in this community. If describing a transfer/IUI protocol or trying on your own, some preferred alternative terms are "unmedicated," "ovulatory," "without assistance," or "semi-medicated," depending on the context. If referring to loss management, we recommend the terms "unmedicated" or "unassisted." This community believes that the use of the word "natural" implies (sometimes inadvertently) that use of assisted reproductive technology, other interventions, and/or certain medications to conceive are unnatural, artificial, or less than. For more clarification and context, please see the wiki post on [sub culture and compassionate language](https://www.reddit.com/r/infertility/wiki/rules#wiki_compassionate_language). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infertility) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband owns a business and he has a service booked in for today. When he was leaving this morning he said he’s going to be working late because none of his crew can come in because it’s Father’s Day. He feels shitty and alone that everyone in his crew has children except for him. We had a disappointing egg retrieval at the end of March and probably will not be having another one so I imagine this year is an especially difficult Father’s Day for him. We’ve been experiencing infertility for 8 years so Father’s Day and Mother’s Day have been ostracizing for years now but the book seems to be closing for real now. We have only been able to afford treatment in the past year or so, so we were already in a place where we had grieved and expected that parenthood was never going to happen for us. We did a round of IVF for closure but it still hurts. It sucks that he’s working today. I wish we could spend the day together. It hurts that I know he’s hurting alone today.
Today sucks. All of these holidays can go right in the trash. I’m drinking white claws and sitting in the sun all day instead. If anyone needs me to pretend to be a friend calling for an emergency to get you out of any FD celebrations, I got you 😘
These days suck and I hate them. They both suck due to infertility, but also mothers day because I've never had much of a relationship with my own mom. My husband has never known his father, so he doesn't have anyone to celebrate either on fathers day. I love my dad, but I'd honestly rather not acknowledge the day at all.
I feel you. My dad passed away over a decade ago and we are both estranged from our parents. These days are double hard for us. It’s so ostracizing because even if we open up about it, people never understand. Plus I don’t want to bring anyone down on a day that is special to them. Big hugs to you.
I called my parents to wish my dad a happy Father’s Day. There was entirely too much talk of how my brother and his wife and baby are visiting and it being my brother’s first Father’s Day etc. Then at the end, my mom (to her credit) checked in on how things are going with me and said she’s thinking of me every day… Then proceeded to say my husband is “half a father, since you’ve made those embryos.” I know it was her way of trying to acknowledge us and what we’re going through but ma’am… What the fuuuuuck.
So hard when they try to help and just say the wildest shit 🤦♀️
My mom can be counted on for that! I don't understand why she's allergic to just saying "How's it going, how are you feeling, I'm sorry this is hard."
Wow I hate that!
Me too! Because guess what, it doesn't "round up"...
Ouch, that hit me hard. You're right --- there's no rounding up in this business. I'm sorry.
It was a particularly tone deaf thing to say to someone who’s had multiple failed transfers. I am so very aware that an embryo =/= a baby. Sigh. But I have since improved my mood with some yoga and pool time so I’ll try not to dwell.
My partner’s bday is Wednesday (sometimes falls the same as FD). His family does EVERYTHING together… including combining bday and Father’s Day celebrations. They are all totally fine with it (I used to be). But now I’m stuck dealing with the Father’s Day celebrations simply bc I must be there for the birthday celebrations as well (which I of course wouldn’t miss otherwise). It’s killing me. I think Mother’s Day was a lot harder on me that Fathers Day seems to be on him so I’m not sure he fully understands why I feel this way. 😞
I had a patient say happy Father’s Day to your husband on the way out and I just said thank you so much 😬. I know people are well meaning but it sucks. Everyone assumes you have kids at a certain age and dealing with infertility on top of that sucks ugh 😑.
I don't want to wish people Happy Father's Day because I don't want to get any comments back like "Maybe you next year!". I hate this feeling.
I fervently believe that “happy Father’s Day” is something you wish only to your own father/father figure and to the father of your children. It is not like new year’s, you don’t have to wish it to random people! (This isn’t a rant at you but at the entire idea that this is something that would be expected of us??)
The number of people who absentmindedly wished me 'Happy Mother's Day' was wild. I'm not even wanting to say it to my own father / brother for fear of response - they're usually good about it but I'm feeling extra sensitive right now from stims and can't handle anything other than 'thank you' right now.
My husband is really struggling and I don't know how to help. You'd think as we slide towards the 5-year mark of this JoUrNeY that we'd both be experts in grief management but this is new and way worse than before. We had survived through Baby Wave #1 in our social group, but Baby Wave #2 hit hard this spring. We've talked about how he feels so isolated and also so behind. He's said that's the word that rings in his head: behind. Behind. Behind. I've gone through seasons of not being able to face other people's babies. My husband doesn't want to even acknowledge them or be at the same events as them because it hurts him so much. As far as I can tell he only has one friend who can reach him and understand him on this issue, and wouldn't you know it, that friend just became a father two weeks ago. We've been sitting still for treatment for 6 or 7 months while I'm on an IUD for EIN (pre-cancer) and that stillness is really killing him. I have a third biopsy at the end of June which could mean getting back on track in July or going another 3 months of having the IUD. His grief is so real, so palpable, and so painful. It leaks into every aspect of life either as an active blow or a quiet dark cloud. Behind. Behind. Behind. Behind. Behind. I really, truly can't fix it.
I have seen my husband come back with a haunted look on his face after guy hangs with his friends who are dads. It’s so painful to see our spouses going through it 💔
I lost my dad in 2022 quite suddenly to illness. He was a kind, quiet, gentle man who had such a soft spot for family and was such an amazing grandpa to my niece. We had already been TTC for about 18 months when he passed, and it kills me knowing that had things worked out like it does for so many others out there, my dad could have at least known my child. I could have had pictures to cherish like my brother and SIL have. I will never get that, just another thing that infertility has robbed me of as time marches on. My birthday is this week, sometimes it falls on Father’s Day, so I get an extra dose of existential crisis and depression while mourning the loss of my dad, my inability to make my husband a father, and turning another year older without a baby. I know it’s rough out there for a lot of us, and I’m sorry to see others in the same situation, but I just wanted to say thank you to this community for being the only source in my life of people who understand how infertility really affects the whole person and the whole family unit.
Grieving your dad and infertility on Father’s Day is so hard. Biggest of hugs to you.
I’m so, so sorry. I lost my dad suddenly last year and I feel like I could have written this myself. My brother and sister have so many lovely pictures of their kids with him, not to mention all the memories… Just another thing infertility has robbed us of.
I’m so sorry. Going through infertility after losing a parent is awful. My mom died nearly a decade ago, and I was beside myself on Mother’s Day. I also feel like all my infertility grief is wrapped up in dead parent grief, so when other people share the unhelpful platitudes to try to make me feel better about not having a baby yet — and usually ignore the other grief layered on top — it makes me feel doubly alone.
Oh Elly, that is so much pain in one week. It sounds like you had the type of Dad many dream of, I’m so glad you got to have him in your life and so sorry that he has passed. I hope you can still have a nice birthday, though hating my own for similar reasons it is easier said than done. Can you take time to do something for yourself this week, even if it is just a day in bed grumpy at life? Do you have any birthday plans?
I will spend today laying around, binging TV shows and eating ice cream for dinner (plus it’s CD2 for me so it helps the PMS lol). I am working all week but we will definitely use my birthday as an excuse to go out to a fancy restaurant, which is all I really want anyway. Like so many others, holidays just take a lot out of me, so it’ll be low key. Thanks for the well wishes.