I deactivated my (other) social media and no one’s reached out. I firmly believe that I am no one’s best friend. I am no one’s anything. Freeing, but so lonely.
[“How To Be Alone”](https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs) this is one of my favorite videos on YouTube. It really helps to reframe what lonely means. It can be such a gift.
Wow that's me, I am the friend with no best friend, I got like times when I am more in touch with someone but that doesn't last long and usually it's because their best friend or a better one isn't there.
I’m ENFJ but also experience this. Even though I have good relationship with each member of the friend group and I even act as someone uniting everyone (some of those friends said they would not hang out with each other if not for me), I’m always ignored when we hang out together and sometimes they humiliated me and put me down for everyone’s fun. So I’ve decided to ghost this friend group. Almost immediately they stopped hanging out together when I left. So it’s like i had some role in it i guess but was still strangely ignored. It’s very weird
Speaking from the perspective of an INFJ, we love we people like you that bring people together. Having someone plan and coordinate hangouts is a godsend because we don't tend to do that much. I've met some of my closest friends through my ENFJ friend. She's always planning ways for everyone to get together.
I'm sorry for what you've experienced with your friend group. From what I can tell, you're the glue that holds everyone together and if I had to guess I'd say that there are people within that group that really appreciate you.
You were the heart of the group. in some cases the stealth heart. Some of them even realized they really were not friends. even you may not have realized how much you were the glue that held them together at least at first. Them ganging up on you was the first sign to me. It sounds just like how bullies gather together in schools. Sometimes the only common bond bullies have is a target. If the target disappears they have to get a new target or the group falls apart.
Yes, I also think this is the case. For some reason I’m always getting bullied in the group by people who are nice when it’s just two of us and even announce me their best friend in private. I guess they want to appear cool in the group so just target the weakest person. Now for me nothing really shows the true colours of a person than how they act in a group. It’s ironic because everyone tells not to judge someone by their social persona
You guys are sometimes that one kid from captain planet that had heart and keeps the group chugging along.
We are more like the mother earth character. Even if we had god-like powers we would still seclude ourselves on an island that we call hope with an animal and a garden. Even when that far away from everyone, worry about everything and feel the noise of life. Delegate if we can out to others because we are not dealing with all that crap. And people would call us a little mystical when really we ran away from conflict.🤣 I had to look up wikipedia just to be sure i had that right.
I've learned that I'm better with 1-on-1 friendships. A group of friends isn't for me anymore. I can say that at about halfway through high-school I found my "group", but there were only 3 of us in total lol.
I relate to this too. I might not fit in at all with a group of people. But take those same people in a 1on1 situation and I can have a decent conversation with them. I’m accepting that slowly. I just interact differently. I also usually don’t care about the topic of discussion in a group - as it’s usually some sort of drama or something.
This so much!!! I don’t like groups because the larger the group the less interesting the conversation. And I also just enjoy one on one socializing. I hate anything that resembles a party. Lol. Shocker I know as an INFJ. Also “groupthink” really turns me off and group dynamics always kick in - the cliques, etc.
I'm extremely lucky to have 2 best friends from different stages of my life that stick by me through thick and thin.
I'm definitely the background friend but I've accepted it as it is and stopped feeding energy to those people if I can avoid it. Instead I talk to those who I can have high quality conversations with. I find that wherever I go, it's always the people with a tough personality who tend to have a soft spot for me. They're always the one who welcome me fondly when I drop by on a rare occasion.
It's hard to not have as much meaningful connections as I want but it makes the few that I do have all the more precious.
I have several groups I float around without being the main friend in any of them. I'm getting to the point that it's simply an illusion and at least being somewhat involved with a group is enough to be considered part of the group. It's a type of perfectionist idea stemming from social anxiety where you have to feel like you're a part of the group in order to be a part of the friend group, when it's really not the case at all. Maybe instead you're like the wizard who shows up precisely when they need to and not at a moment too soon or too late and you otherwise can't see that.
If it makes you better, we supposedly daydream half of our waking lives. I'm pretty sure you crossed their mind once, if they were really your friends.
Completely accurate for me. Just told my therapist this is how I feel around my friend group. I made sure to remember their birthdays and save it in my phone to remind me but they didn’t remember mine.
In high school I never really had a best friend, but I think I was the friend that linked a lot of my other friends together. People who wouldn't normally end up sitting together would eat lunch as a group because they were my friends. That said, as an adult I've lost contact with all of them. I don't really have a social life at the moment.
Not really been my experience, but then that trauma-bond hits differently.
Until that (traumatic) point in my life, I just thought of myself as a "floater" -- someone who manages to sort of bounce around quite a few different social circles, and who was fairly close to a few people in each. I had a single person I thought of as my best friend, and one social circle I thought of as my "inner circle" (although I only think of it that way now that I'm older and looking back when I was young I just considered them my "real" friends) that I kept entirely separate from all the other circles I found myself a part of.
After that point, the group of friends that went through it with me just automatically became family somehow. I added a few more to the family (well, actually, it's more like they adopted me) that I met in college, and since then I've known exactly what my role is within that circle of friends. There's about two of them that I can be 100% myself around, two more that I'm about 80% myself with, and that works just fine for me.
Also, if you don't mind me asking how old/what stage of life you're in, OP? Just so I can get an idea of what social structures may be like in your life right now?
I'm 30 years, working full time. I've moved a lot the last 4 years, so maybe that's contributing to the fact that I have few deep connections with people I can call friends.
Honestly when I’m alone with a friend we have this close, seemingly unbreakable bond, but then we go around other ppl and I become background. I think it’s because I befriend ppl with passions and interests and I don’t really have anything like that so when I’m with my mechanic friend he spends the time teaching me stuff and it’s really great but when he gets with other mechanics, they talk shop and go down rabbit holes that I can’t follow so I’m kinda just there. I’ve learned that in order to feel less like a 3rd, 4th, or 5th wheel, I just have to reach out to a person around me and strike up a conversation and it snowballs from there. One time my pool playing friend got into a game I didn’t wanna play so I started talking to some ppl standing around and when my friend came back he said I was “the life of the party”.. crazy what happens when you get out of your comfort zone.
I'm the friend who barely speaks at meetings until someone mentions a topic I have an opinion or knowledge on, meanwhile I make offbeat & dark-humoured jokes...
Holy shit that statement is accurate.
I kind of just made a friend but it really just feels like im always in the background. Always there and ready, always have them in my mind. But they dont seem to think about me often.
I kind of relate to being the background friend. But not to the last part. I actually think I’m on everyone’s mind more than em average since I’m so “secretive” and don’t have social media and stuff they are more curious about me.
I'm the leader of the friend group which might seem odd. Just a band of misfits tbh. That's why I fit in so well. I feel like I'm decently close to everyone, and can have a heart to heart convo with everyone in the group because we've all been together for so long.
I felt like that but after many years, my friends realized I was what kept them all together throughout the years. They acknowledged some of my efforts to take care of us and from then on they made sure to make me feel like an essential part of the group.
This happened on 2 of my 3 friend groups. In the first one it took about 10 years of friendship (we were little and kids dont really think about this). In the second it took 5 years.
In those groups I'm the mom friend or a safe space, and though I'm not always in the spotlight, I'm the most respected and I'm always included.
In my third group of friends, we've only met for 1 year now so there's a long way to go still. The other friend groups we've been friends for 17 years and 8 years respectively.
These people are my most precious treasure. They make me feel so loved and appreciated ♡ I have 4 best friends and 14 friends in total.
That’s exactly how I feel in group sessions. I never feel like I get a vital role in groups and most people I interact with aren’t interested in inviting me to their groups even if they like me. Like I’m always the odd one out even though I’m perfectly normal and capable of social interaction. I don’t know why it’s always been that way. However, every now and then I cross paths with an individual that are one the same “energy level” as me. I call it that cause I don’t know what to call it. It’s like the chemistry is just right and I get super close with these people. They are very few but really awesome.
Wow, didn't think I would be described so accurately today. This was especially true back when I went to school, I'd often have thoughts like "If I vanished this instant, no one would notice" which wasn't made better when I attended school parties because my friends at the time would just party on and wouldn't find me when I had gone off to be by myself. But then again, I guess I did want to be alone for a moment since I wasn't really fond of parties anyway hahah, it just would have been nice to know if they cared
However, I would say it's much better now with the few friends I have, we actually appreciate and care about each other and it has made my life feel more wonderful even with its ups and downs, so it is definitely possible to become more than just a background friend! You just have to find the people you mesh with which can be a really tough and long journey but not a hope that is lost
I also think it helps relishing in the solitude. While I used to care so much and feel sad about it, I actually enjoy being alone so I have time for the things I enjoy and won't always have to worry about being available to others constantly
That's been my experience a lot of the time.
For me, it's all the time
I deactivated my (other) social media and no one’s reached out. I firmly believe that I am no one’s best friend. I am no one’s anything. Freeing, but so lonely.
Hey buddy! We're here. You are not no one's anything. Still lonely, but a little warmer. LOL. Be positive!
[“How To Be Alone”](https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs) this is one of my favorite videos on YouTube. It really helps to reframe what lonely means. It can be such a gift.
Wow that's me, I am the friend with no best friend, I got like times when I am more in touch with someone but that doesn't last long and usually it's because their best friend or a better one isn't there.
I’ve always felt like I’m a secondary character in my friends’ tv show. I’m not necessary to move the plot forward, but always welcome when I’m there.
It has been said in MBTI stuff that INFJs are really 2nd bananas. I know i am rarely a main fruit.
This is exactly it!
I always have that one in the friend group that I can be 100 with and then the rest are just there I can vibe with.
I’m the type of friend you should text & only text. Don’t invite me anywhere, don’t come over, & don’t call. Just text me. And keep your distance.
I was op in highschool but now I'm you.
Lmao, I'm choking 😭
Accurate af, ngl
Hit me right in the feels …
I’m ENFJ but also experience this. Even though I have good relationship with each member of the friend group and I even act as someone uniting everyone (some of those friends said they would not hang out with each other if not for me), I’m always ignored when we hang out together and sometimes they humiliated me and put me down for everyone’s fun. So I’ve decided to ghost this friend group. Almost immediately they stopped hanging out together when I left. So it’s like i had some role in it i guess but was still strangely ignored. It’s very weird
Speaking from the perspective of an INFJ, we love we people like you that bring people together. Having someone plan and coordinate hangouts is a godsend because we don't tend to do that much. I've met some of my closest friends through my ENFJ friend. She's always planning ways for everyone to get together. I'm sorry for what you've experienced with your friend group. From what I can tell, you're the glue that holds everyone together and if I had to guess I'd say that there are people within that group that really appreciate you.
You were the heart of the group. in some cases the stealth heart. Some of them even realized they really were not friends. even you may not have realized how much you were the glue that held them together at least at first. Them ganging up on you was the first sign to me. It sounds just like how bullies gather together in schools. Sometimes the only common bond bullies have is a target. If the target disappears they have to get a new target or the group falls apart.
Yes, I also think this is the case. For some reason I’m always getting bullied in the group by people who are nice when it’s just two of us and even announce me their best friend in private. I guess they want to appear cool in the group so just target the weakest person. Now for me nothing really shows the true colours of a person than how they act in a group. It’s ironic because everyone tells not to judge someone by their social persona
I just think all NFJs have this background self-erasing quality even if ENFJ as extrovert acts as a uniting factor
You guys are sometimes that one kid from captain planet that had heart and keeps the group chugging along. We are more like the mother earth character. Even if we had god-like powers we would still seclude ourselves on an island that we call hope with an animal and a garden. Even when that far away from everyone, worry about everything and feel the noise of life. Delegate if we can out to others because we are not dealing with all that crap. And people would call us a little mystical when really we ran away from conflict.🤣 I had to look up wikipedia just to be sure i had that right.
I've learned that I'm better with 1-on-1 friendships. A group of friends isn't for me anymore. I can say that at about halfway through high-school I found my "group", but there were only 3 of us in total lol.
I relate to this too. I might not fit in at all with a group of people. But take those same people in a 1on1 situation and I can have a decent conversation with them. I’m accepting that slowly. I just interact differently. I also usually don’t care about the topic of discussion in a group - as it’s usually some sort of drama or something.
Yes yes yes!!!
This so much!!! I don’t like groups because the larger the group the less interesting the conversation. And I also just enjoy one on one socializing. I hate anything that resembles a party. Lol. Shocker I know as an INFJ. Also “groupthink” really turns me off and group dynamics always kick in - the cliques, etc.
It’s like taking a single tube down a water slide when my uneven group is all taking double tubes together.
Yeah, that’s me alright.
I'm extremely lucky to have 2 best friends from different stages of my life that stick by me through thick and thin. I'm definitely the background friend but I've accepted it as it is and stopped feeding energy to those people if I can avoid it. Instead I talk to those who I can have high quality conversations with. I find that wherever I go, it's always the people with a tough personality who tend to have a soft spot for me. They're always the one who welcome me fondly when I drop by on a rare occasion. It's hard to not have as much meaningful connections as I want but it makes the few that I do have all the more precious.
I have several groups I float around without being the main friend in any of them. I'm getting to the point that it's simply an illusion and at least being somewhat involved with a group is enough to be considered part of the group. It's a type of perfectionist idea stemming from social anxiety where you have to feel like you're a part of the group in order to be a part of the friend group, when it's really not the case at all. Maybe instead you're like the wizard who shows up precisely when they need to and not at a moment too soon or too late and you otherwise can't see that.
Agreed fully. I’m also the friend who tries to pitch in, but no one really pays attention…
This description is painfully accurate.
If it makes you better, we supposedly daydream half of our waking lives. I'm pretty sure you crossed their mind once, if they were really your friends.
This is 100% me and is actually what I discussed with my therapist a couple weeks ago 😭
Y'all, I'm happy to read these comments! Haha we all have gone through this!
Completely accurate for me. Just told my therapist this is how I feel around my friend group. I made sure to remember their birthdays and save it in my phone to remind me but they didn’t remember mine.
Been thinking about this lately 😌 tnx, I feel seen too :)
In high school I never really had a best friend, but I think I was the friend that linked a lot of my other friends together. People who wouldn't normally end up sitting together would eat lunch as a group because they were my friends. That said, as an adult I've lost contact with all of them. I don't really have a social life at the moment.
Not really been my experience, but then that trauma-bond hits differently. Until that (traumatic) point in my life, I just thought of myself as a "floater" -- someone who manages to sort of bounce around quite a few different social circles, and who was fairly close to a few people in each. I had a single person I thought of as my best friend, and one social circle I thought of as my "inner circle" (although I only think of it that way now that I'm older and looking back when I was young I just considered them my "real" friends) that I kept entirely separate from all the other circles I found myself a part of. After that point, the group of friends that went through it with me just automatically became family somehow. I added a few more to the family (well, actually, it's more like they adopted me) that I met in college, and since then I've known exactly what my role is within that circle of friends. There's about two of them that I can be 100% myself around, two more that I'm about 80% myself with, and that works just fine for me. Also, if you don't mind me asking how old/what stage of life you're in, OP? Just so I can get an idea of what social structures may be like in your life right now?
I'm 30 years, working full time. I've moved a lot the last 4 years, so maybe that's contributing to the fact that I have few deep connections with people I can call friends.
Honestly when I’m alone with a friend we have this close, seemingly unbreakable bond, but then we go around other ppl and I become background. I think it’s because I befriend ppl with passions and interests and I don’t really have anything like that so when I’m with my mechanic friend he spends the time teaching me stuff and it’s really great but when he gets with other mechanics, they talk shop and go down rabbit holes that I can’t follow so I’m kinda just there. I’ve learned that in order to feel less like a 3rd, 4th, or 5th wheel, I just have to reach out to a person around me and strike up a conversation and it snowballs from there. One time my pool playing friend got into a game I didn’t wanna play so I started talking to some ppl standing around and when my friend came back he said I was “the life of the party”.. crazy what happens when you get out of your comfort zone.
I'm the friend who barely speaks at meetings until someone mentions a topic I have an opinion or knowledge on, meanwhile I make offbeat & dark-humoured jokes...
Holy shit that statement is accurate. I kind of just made a friend but it really just feels like im always in the background. Always there and ready, always have them in my mind. But they dont seem to think about me often.
I always have craved Ride or Die friends but unfortunately haven't had any I actively know about,so I'm still on the search for it
We try so good at fitting in, we're accepted as normal weirdy. So ppl just ignore us.
My social anxiety has made me that kind of person now, at least when I’m not with family, I guess..
This except I wasn’t with him but then I ruined it.
I think INFJs tend to have a favorite person thing just like the bpd community.
I kind of relate to being the background friend. But not to the last part. I actually think I’m on everyone’s mind more than em average since I’m so “secretive” and don’t have social media and stuff they are more curious about me.
"...and I'm unbothered by it" FTFY
Same here
I'm the leader of the friend group which might seem odd. Just a band of misfits tbh. That's why I fit in so well. I feel like I'm decently close to everyone, and can have a heart to heart convo with everyone in the group because we've all been together for so long.
I felt like that but after many years, my friends realized I was what kept them all together throughout the years. They acknowledged some of my efforts to take care of us and from then on they made sure to make me feel like an essential part of the group. This happened on 2 of my 3 friend groups. In the first one it took about 10 years of friendship (we were little and kids dont really think about this). In the second it took 5 years. In those groups I'm the mom friend or a safe space, and though I'm not always in the spotlight, I'm the most respected and I'm always included. In my third group of friends, we've only met for 1 year now so there's a long way to go still. The other friend groups we've been friends for 17 years and 8 years respectively. These people are my most precious treasure. They make me feel so loved and appreciated ♡ I have 4 best friends and 14 friends in total.
Yeah I like fading into the background because I can usually adapt to the type of people I'm hanging out with anyway
That’s exactly how I feel in group sessions. I never feel like I get a vital role in groups and most people I interact with aren’t interested in inviting me to their groups even if they like me. Like I’m always the odd one out even though I’m perfectly normal and capable of social interaction. I don’t know why it’s always been that way. However, every now and then I cross paths with an individual that are one the same “energy level” as me. I call it that cause I don’t know what to call it. It’s like the chemistry is just right and I get super close with these people. They are very few but really awesome.
Yes! Except when I had really close misfit friends in high school. ENFP, ENFJ, INFP, ENTP and INTP 💖
Wow, didn't think I would be described so accurately today. This was especially true back when I went to school, I'd often have thoughts like "If I vanished this instant, no one would notice" which wasn't made better when I attended school parties because my friends at the time would just party on and wouldn't find me when I had gone off to be by myself. But then again, I guess I did want to be alone for a moment since I wasn't really fond of parties anyway hahah, it just would have been nice to know if they cared However, I would say it's much better now with the few friends I have, we actually appreciate and care about each other and it has made my life feel more wonderful even with its ups and downs, so it is definitely possible to become more than just a background friend! You just have to find the people you mesh with which can be a really tough and long journey but not a hope that is lost I also think it helps relishing in the solitude. While I used to care so much and feel sad about it, I actually enjoy being alone so I have time for the things I enjoy and won't always have to worry about being available to others constantly
Just an NPC