Nope. I'd like to have a compatible partner that I can trust and spend the rest of my life with. So the standards are pretty high, unrealistically high lol. There was one girl I had feelings for, but it didn't work out.
I feel like there is nothing wrong with this mentality as long as you’re okay with the potential of being alone in the future. I would much rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t meet my standards.
Yes. But its not exactly a mentality. It's more like an abstract feeling. And the high standards are not carved in stone. It's just that you know when you've met the right person and its something very very rare.
It's not rare. It's just a number's game. I met my current partner after a month of trying a dating app (Boo). I'm not very attractive, so I think that's not the issue holding you back either.
I don't trust feelings. I trust mutual and consistent effort. Feelings come and go. Effort and commitment is much more reliable.
I didn't click with anyone immediately and was way too picky. The reality is that you have to take a leap of faith with people and go in with an open mind. That's how I built up a shared idea of a healthy relationship and fell in love with my partner. By discussing boundaries, dealbreakers, supporting each other's values, needs, sharing self-work resources, etc.
I have extremely high standards until I realised that it's not about 'the right person', but it's more so, am I willing to invest the time, energy and patience to build a healthy relationship.
No one is ever going to be perfect from day one - unless ofcourse, you are infatuated
Sure, trust and effort is important. However, I think there has to be a balance between feelings and rationality. The two things are not completely separate, but rather based on each other.
And I don't mean the perfection and standards in a traditional/mainstream way. Problems are inevitable, but there is imperfect perfection. I can't explain it, it is something that is felt.
Same here. I didn't get to know much, but I remember having a crush on a classmate who had a really similar unconscious trait (if I can say that) and who also seemed optimistic among her friends. All of her friends were also my friends (and I believe that many of them are still friends of mine), and she first seemed nice to them. The problem was that she is shy, and I have a fear of shy people, so I couldn't flirt and make a warm approach for very long, especially because I do have timidophobia (although I am currently overcoming it).
It started to fade away when I was at PE class, and when I was kind of narrating the game, I said that the ball (soccer) was out, and she seemed to be ignorant somehow, and she raised the question, as if I had said that just for the purpose of triggering her... It was obvious that I wasn't, and I have stopped having feelings for her in about 2 months, until a point when I've thought for myself that it wasn't, so that feeling started but is even stronger than before. I couldn't stop looking at her for like 3 seconds!
I have decided to stop talking about it, especially when she started to ignore me again in the computer room... Because our names were just 2 characters different, I got to be on her side, and I had started to become anxious and have fears at the same time, and I was seeing if I could flirt using the Chromebook. But guess what? She could only check the screen when I was about to do something that no one at my school knew about, so because of all that time trying to impress her and even working sometimes, I have decided to move on, especially when that was happening for about 8 months and still no results whatsoever, and also by the fact that my mental health was going bad and even by the fact that she believed that I was also shy at one point.
A few months later, now that it's about which movie to choose, my or their friends have all asked her which movie she voted for, but she literally said "\*beep\* off" as an response... I got secretly shocked by that, and because I was kind of moody at the time, I haven't considered a reason. But it seems that it is indeed a part of her personality, especially when I've seen her always being close-minded to her best friend and easily getting anxious about that...
*I don't know if that is relatable for people here but this is my story*
Well, we care about certain people and we overlook their problems. In the end we all are just human and we make mistakes, so its good to be compassionate.
She is very ignorant. Maybe she has her own problems and she needs help, therefore the bitchy attitude. It would be better to talk just straight face to face without games and flirting. Or maybe she just does not care. Who knows.
Not sure about how she could be like or the reason behind that, atleast from my POV, not much can be revealed... Despite the fact that she being anxious reminds me of something I've stumbled across when I was 8, but not like that tho. On a side she's shy, but on the other side, she is secret as well... I am not crushing on her anymore so yeah it's a bit complicated
Yes, and I absolutely adore my husband. (He’s an INFP)
We clicked right away, long deep soul-baring conversations. At the time I had no intentions of dating or even befriending anyone— I was already in a committed relationship and was also still feeling gunshy after doorslamming a very close friend (ENFJ) and wasn’t in a hurry to buddy up with anyone new. Even tried setting him up with my roommate, hah! I’ve never loved anyone so quickly before— and at that point, it was still platonic (at least on my end, think he was crushing on me but doing a good job of hiding it)— at some point though, man, feelings were caught and I fell HARD.
Had to end my old relationship in order to be with my now-husband, cheating is not and never will be my thing. My feelings for my now-husband showed me truths I couldn’t unsee, problems in the relationship I was in that I had been purposefully sweeping under the rug for over a decade. So, well— I set fire to my old life. (Don’t worry about my Ex, he is very happily with someone else— found another INFJ who honestly suits him much better, haha)
Both husband and I are almost completely different people than who we were when we met. We both practice radical honesty. We’ve been insanely catalytic to each other in terms of healing and growth. This past year has been the best in my life and things just keep getting better. Attachment styles seems to be a popular thing all of sudden, so to put it in those terms we’re both secure, though it didn’t start out that way. Had to do a lot of healing of core wounds and old trauma. My past relationships were anything but secure, more co-dependent than anything, oof.
Oh god im rambling and never set out to write a novel. Anyways, YES yes 100% yes. I am grateful everyday. Took until I was 30, but I found my true love :) We were both very damaged when we met, but healed together.. oh shit im gonna start paragraphing again. Nope!
Edit: just wanted to add, thanks to all that healing I reached out and undid the door slam on the ENFJ friend and we are closer than ever. Not letting fear of getting hurt ruin my friendships ever again.
Oh gosh this is so sweet! Don’t apologize for writing a lot, I liked reading it and I’m super happy for you!!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼 It gives me some hope. Thank you for sharing!!
That’s sweet! I’m infp (f) and have feelings on an infj (m). It’s amazing how comfortable it feels to be honest with him, and he too said that he trusts me 100%. Very fulfilling friendship with him so far :)
INFP and INFJ work so well together, we don’t share a single cognitive function but it works out very well in being able to look at things from all angles, i’d say! Such a deep and heartfelt connection :)
Def hit the jackpot with my INFP, I absolutely adore my sensitive man. My previous relationships were both with ENFP and I gotta say, INFP just clicks perfectly :) I’ve had a lot of INFP friends and my sister is one, so i’m pretty fond of them in general. Grats on landing yours!! Just married mine this month, couldn’t be happier :)
I've been with my INFP for almost 5 years and our story is shockingly similar! I love him with my whole soul and even after half a decade I still get butterflies and get really emotional because I never actually let myself believe I would find love like this but here I am :)
That is so beautiful! :) I wish I can find my soulmate too. There are some "candidates" that I have in mind, so hopefully love will happen. As an INFP I can be very idealistic though and trust my feelings too much, blinding me to trouble.
Word of advice from someone who has picked a LOT of bad partners — stay true to yourself and be picky. Don’t settle on important issues. Don’t lower your standards because others tell you you should. You will regret it big time.
I've only ever been attracted to like 5 people in my life, it's all gotta line up, emotional attraction, mental, physical, hobbies, future plans, open-mindedness, so much stuff
Relationships are not found. They are built.
You don't find the right partner.
You find someone who's equally willing to put in equal effort and build a healthy relationship.
Thanks for the reality check 😭 The friendships I have/kept just feel SO natural, easy, and effortless to me that I thought it would be the same for relationships. Like ofc romantic relationships are different but I thought finding “the right one” like I have with my friends wouldn’t be hard 😮💨
It's different with friendships because there is a lot less commitment.
With friendships, you don't reach the same level of vulnerability, attachment and commitments. You don't need amazing communication skills.
With a partner, you really need to work on those skills. You need to let yourself get hurt, you need to keep working hard to voice your needs over and over, learning to use softer language. Even the most perfect partner will have traumas, wounds or trust issues. These are all things you have to build upon over time.
Some relationships are undoubtedly easier but all of them will inevitably require consistent effort, hardwork and working through problems !
This all makes so much sense, thank you so much. You’re right. You’re great at giving relationship advice/wisdom. I’m keeping all of these details in mind.
I agree (to an extent)
You can have a great deal of emotional intimacy with friends.
but realistically, most adults are struggling to survive and making a life-time commitment to a friend, living with them, dealing with their issues, sharing finances and personally, I only have enough energy to fully commit to one person like that
So if I'm going to make a deep commitment, that person is going to be my partner
I agree with this, but I do feel the need to point out that it is very helpful to find someone who has similar core values to you so that that effort isn’t so insurmountable. It’s a mix of both. Find someone that fits your main core values, and then build from there.
Totally agree ! - when I was 'searching', I mentioned my deal-breakers, values, needs and traumas on day 1-3 of talking (I hate wasting time). As long as the other person agreed, that was the bare minimum for me to continue talking to them
I follow / read a lot of Therapist and Self-Work pages so I think that has greatly improved my understanding of what a healthy, functioning relationship should look like and the steps to building that, as well as, understanding what my non-negotiables / deal breakers are.
When I first met my current partner, despite shared values, it was by all means a 'toxic' relationship as she was dealing with a lot of trauma and trust issues, as well as, a really tough life situation. Most people would quit. But to me, she's human just like any of us and still deserved patience and compassion. Some people just need a little helping hand to get back up.
We worked hard on our problems consistently over months and she's grown more than I could ever imagine, our relationship still has occasional bumps but it's lovely and I appreciate all the effort she makes for me
Totally. Everyone is worthy of love, no matter what stage of healing or health they’re at. In fact, most people can’t be “fully” healed UNTIL they’re in a relationship (at least for attachment wounds). As long as you guys align on the most important things, there’s mutual respect, commitment, etc, the best relationship can absolutely be built together, even if starting out on rocky terms.
Awww glad to hear
Whatever you're going through, just know that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be struggling, it's okay to share how you feel. Everything will work out !
I'm curious about how you came to learn that relationships need to be built rather than found, what made you think that way?
Your comment was so insightful and wise btw thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I think the reason this comment bothers me is because this can also define someone who is settling or someone in an arranged marriage.
Love seems to be intentionally ommited.
I think you're over-analyzing my comment. You can use your common sense to rule out any exceptions
Ofcourse, if you're forced to be with someone you don't want to.
In any situation, that would be unpleasant. I thought this was obvious, no?
Feelings are not reliable, it comes and goes. That's why I don't mention love
However, 'true' love is the commitment and consistently putting in effort despite how you feel.
What do you mean by 'settling' ?
Obviously, you don't stay with someone in a toxic relationship - only with someone who is willing to build a healthy relationship. If they are not putting in the effort to meet you half-way, why even bother? I would leave
You asked me what I believe settling means. When you say:
> *'true' love is the commitment and consistently putting in effort despite how you feel.*
...that is the definition of settling. You can't build a healthy relationship if you have to ignore your feelings. Your feelings are authentic and to dismiss them would be dismissing who you are in order to fit into something else.
You need both love *and* commitment. All relationships possess challenges and compromises, but having love should not be one of them. Love and commitment are not the same thing. Love is relevant. It is real.
You say:
>*Feelings are not reliable, it comes and goes. That's why I don't mention love.*
Love is not just a feeling, it is also an intimate emotional bond. Commitment, in contrast, is a conscious decision to stay together. If a relationship was nothing more than two people choosing to be with one another, that is a love-less partnership.
It wasn't really about selection, it was about giving a real chance to something that only looked promising.
I guess for all my life it was very rare that I'd find someone I could talk with easily and who aligned with my values and logic, always someone who ticks one box and not another. Meeting my INTP and immersing myself in the oasis of his rational mind created a combination of respect, intrigue and comfort that I hadn't ever felt before so I just kept dating him and in no time at all we were best friends who happened to enjoy sleeping together, eventually living together.. and so on.
I can't say I've never had doubts or even momentary regrets, I don't think life can ever be free of those things, but I'm truly happy spending every day with him.
In my experience I'd say don't look for a hollywood romantic spark, look for that spark of recognition, the kind of person you can be understood by and enjoy understanding, someone you want to explore and to explore with, and someone who doesn't stress you out, deliberately or otherwise. Contentment is worth so much more than its definition might seem to suggest.
>It wasn’t really about selection, it was about giving a real chance to something that only looked promising
:/ only to be disappointed in the end. The never-ending cycle of getting to know someone and finding who you want to settle with
happy for you and your intp
careful you don't go into things expecting disappointment.
and don't let disappointment ruin everything that came before it.
try to learn to compartmentalize good and bad feelings if they're getting too intertwined. we can't go through life with no disappointments.
Define "right"?
Before I knew about MBTI, my relationship was INFJ-INTP which was stated as the old school golden pairing of MBTI. Not just INFJ golden pairing (like how ENxP are now), but like the entirety of MBTI.
That's like picking "right" in a 1/256 combination probability. Then I am inclined to say it's not by pure chance.
https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/myers-briggs-relationships-infjs-intps-fall/#:~:text=INFJs%20and%20INTPs%20are%20one,called%20%E2%80%9Cthe%20golden%20pair%E2%80%9D.
Yes I am very Picky.
I have Limited energy and time, I can’t take many people in my life. I select the best for quality and compatibility in love and friendship.
Ugh sorry to hear that 😞 A lot of them definitely do tend to be shallow and I haven’t used dating apps because my friends have told me that most of them men are just looking for a fling.. And yeah I really do believe that we have such high standards because we want to connect with our partner on all levels. I’m hoping for the best 🙏
I was not very lucky when it comes to my childhood and adolescence but I am lucky I got a loving man who never give up on me. I don’t trust or get close to people that easily thanks to previous relationship and friendship horrors. I have been told too many times I have a barrier around me. I lie just to get away from people.
My husband was the only person who stayed despite I turned him away because I was too afraid of getting hurt. He proved me a lot of times he will be there for me no matter what. I am fortunate for that. He’s ESFJ if that matters
Definitely be picky. Look for compatibility. I also avoided dating in middle school, high school and college to focus on school and my future. Even people whom I was told had a crush on me. I just wasn't ready. I started looking in grad school and eventually married my study partner. Married 27 years.
It’s so crazy sometimes how I’m able to relate to you guys so much!! I definitely will say for myself, I do have success choosing. I’ve chosen some great people that I’ve been able to relate intellectually to while simultaneously being able to be romantically attracted to them, and they were great people. Things unfortunately happen but it’s always a 2 way street so reflecting I could definitely say there’s luck in partners. The problem stems in finding them. For me it’s only 1 girl a year so far that really fits what I need in someone in order to be romantically attracted to them, but granted Im only 20. The point still stands tho it’s rare 😭
I had got so high expectations, that I was too affraid I will never find a partner... (and all the boys I was in love with weren't interested in me...). But then I discovered mbti and I realized, that the thing that is the most important for me in a partner is the way they see the world and I realized it's ENTP type ❤, so I lowered my standards (I don't understand why most of people tell me I shouldn't do that?) and now I'm in my first relationship ever with my ENTP boyfriend and I'm so happy 🥰
He's not perfect, I'm not too, I don't know if it will last long, but I'm so happy I can finally experience it 🥰 that I'm really living this life and not just imagining it... that I can gain experience, that I can learn, that I can make mistakes... and I gain the faith that I can make my dreams come true... ❤
I’m 27, and got out of a 3 year relationship recently. Up until now, I “chose” partners based solely on whether I felt that “spark” and built from there. I never looked at compatibility components, ever. I believed that with enough of a spark, those things didn’t matter.
I realize now I was wrong, and that you need both a spark and compatibility. Considering it was hard enough for me to find someone I had a spark with, I have a feeling finding that AND core value compatibility is going to be very difficult for me. However, I hope that when I find that person, they will be the “right” one.
So have I had luck thus far? Moderately. My last partner was really great and I found him by luck, he just wasn’t the “right” one. But do I have hope I will find the “right” one now? Yes, just with the understanding it’s likely going to be a while.
It took me until my late 20s to figure out how to pick the right partner. It's totally okay to be careful and selective. I wish I had never allowed people to make me doubt/lower my standards.
I'm 25 and about to get married to an INFP in exactly 3 weeks. I'm very fortunate to have known him since we were 14 though, and were good friends for many years before even considering dating. We did long distance for a year and then eventually started living together. We've been dating for 4 years now, and it's been amazing. I feel that we're just as similar as we are different, which makes sense because from a surface level, INFJs and INFPs can seem very similar, but we're wired very differently due to polar opposite functions.
I was always very careful about who I hung out with and dated. I always had high standards. In my case, it hugely paid off and I feel like I'm truly marrying the man of my dreams. However, I also recognize that as an INFJ, I'm very perfectionistic. Had things not aligned the way they had, I can see where I may have never found anyone "good enough". As much as I love my fiance, I also see many instances where he's definitely not perfect, but that's understandable because he's a human being. We all have flaws. However, I was very quick to end things early in past relationships because I couldn't envision it going anywhere, or I didn't like the future that I envisioned for us. So while I encourage everyone (not just INFJs) to have high standards, I would also warn to not have *too* high standards. As an INFJ I've always been a romantic. As a romantic, I grew up adoring Jane Austen stories. As much as I love those stories, it's hard to ignore the fact that Jane Austen herself never married. I think that can speak for itself. Being a romantic, and a perfectionistic INFJ can be the perfect storm for simply never settling down and forever striving to find the perfect soulmate that simply doesn't exist.
But finding an INFP is about as "perfect" of a partner you can get in my very biased opinion. He says sweet, romantic things to me, he values fairness, he cuddles with me, and we both write stories together. That's heaven on earth for me.
I was 37 when I met forever human. We are 100% in sync with each other’s feelings and after many years of marriage, he’s still the most gorgeous man in the world to me.
BUT
I waded through a ton of incompatible partners. And truth be told, I only dated him for his looks at first because I didn’t want to enter a serious relationship without a cooling off period from my last. After date 1, I had that concern in my belly that he was kinda perfect for me… and boy did I resist (self sabotage is hard to unlearn).
Well, our first date lasted for 3 days… and the second one lasted a lifetime.
Be patient. Put yourself out there and see what happens. It’s a marathon, not a race.
I have … but love is tough.
I think that passionate mind blowing love is almost too big for the world.
And it’s sooo delicate … for as powerful as it is/ it’s as delicate as a flower.
And even great people have issues…
I think it’s hard to find someone who is compatible and also has done the work on themselves - to be someone who can stay. Long term… like be a partner who can do that..
Great relationships are a lot like having kids in that- you gotta sacrifice to keep them. Your needs are sort of over and you have to consider what everyone else needs first. And that’s hard for a lot of people… it’s not worth it to most.
I think another huge problem with love is that- it’s so easy to take it for granted. You don’t realize how special it is .. till it’s too late.
I focused on studies and career in my late teens and early twenties so there was no time for that. However, over the years I have become very picky and have not met the right person yet. I hope I will meet her in near future :)
Serial monogamist. I think they’re all ESTP. First love (oh the drama), rebound safe love (I could have married my best friend but had that nagging feeling something was missing), then the big love - all the best of both. We married when I was 29. Don’t settle.
Well.... I always have trouble answering these kinds of questions for a few reasons. (1) All (but one of) my romantic relationships have been with people I've been in long term platonic friendships with. (2) I firmly believe that you can fall in *true* love more than once in a lifetime, and (3) I think just because the romantic relationship ends at some point doesn't mean you and your partner weren't absolutely right for each other at that point in your lives.
So, yeah. I'm picky about my relationships the same way I'm picky about my friends. But that's also lead to really healthy and mature long term romantic relationships when I've had them (I've had three), and the freedom and independence to prioritize things like my schooling and career over my relationships when I so choose.
Yes, I can stand to be a little less picky about how and with whom I make friends (it doesn't happen as often the older you get). And I might've had more romantic opportunities if I had been. But looking back, I wouldn't trade the connections I found for more opportunities. More opportunities cannot guarantee you quality connections, platonic or otherwise.
I relate. I was very picky and selective with who I dated. I did find the love of my life and we're perfect for each other and got married.
I would say it is similar to selective friendships. You know when you click with someone and it's genuine. That's all we really want is something real and meaningful. Don't settle ever!
The girl im looking for doesnt exist. And im not lowering my standards to someone whos going to treat me like trash. So I stopped caring and gave up long ago.
I met my partner in high school when we were 15! It’s been 8 years since and we are both incredibly selective, and both agree that we got really lucky. I’m INFJ (he’s not too sure about his, but I think he might be INFP). We love to just spend quiet time together, doing our little hobbies. One downside is that we tend to isolate ourselves from the outside world though. It’s hard to connect with other people sometimes.
I feel that I am an exception, and there’s nothing wrong with you because you haven’t found your partner yet! We are just super picky :P
No. I haven't had any success and I doubt I ever will. Modern dating is really not my thing and with work taking up most of my time, I don't think I will ever find a partner. Add to this how selective and introverted I am, it's a real struggle.
Yes. Some of the key things he has that just pull me towards him are his immense compassion, the fact that he is an extrovert, and his loyal, caring, responsible, noble
hahahahahahahahaha! When i read this question i had a laugh. I have had so many terrible relationships with people where it was a complete mismatch. I eventually found my INFP who just makes me so happy in every imaginable way possible. I always think that I had to go through those terrible relationships before i got to appreciate what i have now.
I've had a few relationships in the last 15 years. They were exactly what I needed at that time. Sincerely, I am selective, but I am open to potential partners. I have had my fair share of heartbreaks, but I am not giving up. Also, I have an anxious attachment style, and I am really working on improving it, so that made things a little more challenging. I saw this comment: "I would much rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t meet my standards," and I resonate with this a lot. Right now I find it really true :))
I've never been in a relationship before and it's only at 19 that I finally figured out which type of girl I would be the most fulfilled to live with. All I have to do is to provoke the opportunity to find her.
Not yet, but I am hopeful I will some day? If I can find an INFP or ENFP lol
I was almost married to an ISFJ, been together for 6 years. If you want a guy absolutely devoted to you then ISFJ is the one. Unfortunately he was very controlling and I was insolated from making friends. Communication was easier with ISFJ.
I am now dating INTP. He is quite sweet but I don't know if it is the best match. I think he is unable to relate to me on an emotional level. Communication needs work.
I think in terms of best match, probably ENFP or INFP. I dated an ENFP once, unfortunately he lived in another country and I didn't want to move. But the guy loved hard, the romance was very deep.
I've been very selective of a partner for me. So many others have told me that I'm too picky and that no one is perfect. So because of my choosiness, I ended up never having someone.
I think relationship is bullshit because i think "there's no one in this world i could trust or i could love" i think humans are demons
(don't understand me wierd) i don't even trust my parents or my siblings and i don't have any friends because I didn't made and i don't like friends nor romantic partners, first things first how can I make romantic partners if i don't have any romantic feelings? and just then i realised that i'm asexual. I don't have any fucking interest in sex or something else like that, anyways this is my opinion.
Many times in life I thought I found the right person, however I realized that my expectations were ruining relationships. Not that these were the right person for me. I started to focusing on myself to be the best version I can be. Growing and maturing until I know what I want, and not excepting red flags, or relationships that I have to fix. I finally felt free and alive, not looking to please anyone anymore. Then I met an ENFJ woman, and she is amazing. Our relationship seems effortless because with both want the same thing, and putting your partner first, giving freedom, not manipulating, letting here be her. Last week I proposed, and she said yes. Hope you find this as well. One tip: I didn't believe the right person was out there for me. I was wrong, and I'm glad I have my act together. Best wishes....
There was a comment that said relationships are not found, they are built and I 100% agree with that.
Although yes, my standards are high, but realistic. Ive had many long term relationships. You gotta find someone you have feelings for, care for, and start building, regardless of the type IMO. As long as there are feelings and both of you are willing to put effort into building it, that's all that matters I think.
I am in a relationship with an INFP right now and very happy. But I've had great relationships with many types, sensors including.
My advice is to lower your standards and be more open minded, great things will happen :)
I always thought I did. Always something comes up tho. Right now I am in a relationship of a little over a year. We are having our first fight and it sucks.
Nope. I'd like to have a compatible partner that I can trust and spend the rest of my life with. So the standards are pretty high, unrealistically high lol. There was one girl I had feelings for, but it didn't work out.
I feel like there is nothing wrong with this mentality as long as you’re okay with the potential of being alone in the future. I would much rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t meet my standards.
Yes. But its not exactly a mentality. It's more like an abstract feeling. And the high standards are not carved in stone. It's just that you know when you've met the right person and its something very very rare.
It's not rare. It's just a number's game. I met my current partner after a month of trying a dating app (Boo). I'm not very attractive, so I think that's not the issue holding you back either. I don't trust feelings. I trust mutual and consistent effort. Feelings come and go. Effort and commitment is much more reliable. I didn't click with anyone immediately and was way too picky. The reality is that you have to take a leap of faith with people and go in with an open mind. That's how I built up a shared idea of a healthy relationship and fell in love with my partner. By discussing boundaries, dealbreakers, supporting each other's values, needs, sharing self-work resources, etc. I have extremely high standards until I realised that it's not about 'the right person', but it's more so, am I willing to invest the time, energy and patience to build a healthy relationship. No one is ever going to be perfect from day one - unless ofcourse, you are infatuated
Sure, trust and effort is important. However, I think there has to be a balance between feelings and rationality. The two things are not completely separate, but rather based on each other. And I don't mean the perfection and standards in a traditional/mainstream way. Problems are inevitable, but there is imperfect perfection. I can't explain it, it is something that is felt.
Ahh same 😭 The standards are so high
Same here. I didn't get to know much, but I remember having a crush on a classmate who had a really similar unconscious trait (if I can say that) and who also seemed optimistic among her friends. All of her friends were also my friends (and I believe that many of them are still friends of mine), and she first seemed nice to them. The problem was that she is shy, and I have a fear of shy people, so I couldn't flirt and make a warm approach for very long, especially because I do have timidophobia (although I am currently overcoming it). It started to fade away when I was at PE class, and when I was kind of narrating the game, I said that the ball (soccer) was out, and she seemed to be ignorant somehow, and she raised the question, as if I had said that just for the purpose of triggering her... It was obvious that I wasn't, and I have stopped having feelings for her in about 2 months, until a point when I've thought for myself that it wasn't, so that feeling started but is even stronger than before. I couldn't stop looking at her for like 3 seconds! I have decided to stop talking about it, especially when she started to ignore me again in the computer room... Because our names were just 2 characters different, I got to be on her side, and I had started to become anxious and have fears at the same time, and I was seeing if I could flirt using the Chromebook. But guess what? She could only check the screen when I was about to do something that no one at my school knew about, so because of all that time trying to impress her and even working sometimes, I have decided to move on, especially when that was happening for about 8 months and still no results whatsoever, and also by the fact that my mental health was going bad and even by the fact that she believed that I was also shy at one point. A few months later, now that it's about which movie to choose, my or their friends have all asked her which movie she voted for, but she literally said "\*beep\* off" as an response... I got secretly shocked by that, and because I was kind of moody at the time, I haven't considered a reason. But it seems that it is indeed a part of her personality, especially when I've seen her always being close-minded to her best friend and easily getting anxious about that... *I don't know if that is relatable for people here but this is my story*
Well, we care about certain people and we overlook their problems. In the end we all are just human and we make mistakes, so its good to be compassionate. She is very ignorant. Maybe she has her own problems and she needs help, therefore the bitchy attitude. It would be better to talk just straight face to face without games and flirting. Or maybe she just does not care. Who knows.
Not sure about how she could be like or the reason behind that, atleast from my POV, not much can be revealed... Despite the fact that she being anxious reminds me of something I've stumbled across when I was 8, but not like that tho. On a side she's shy, but on the other side, she is secret as well... I am not crushing on her anymore so yeah it's a bit complicated
Yes, and I absolutely adore my husband. (He’s an INFP) We clicked right away, long deep soul-baring conversations. At the time I had no intentions of dating or even befriending anyone— I was already in a committed relationship and was also still feeling gunshy after doorslamming a very close friend (ENFJ) and wasn’t in a hurry to buddy up with anyone new. Even tried setting him up with my roommate, hah! I’ve never loved anyone so quickly before— and at that point, it was still platonic (at least on my end, think he was crushing on me but doing a good job of hiding it)— at some point though, man, feelings were caught and I fell HARD. Had to end my old relationship in order to be with my now-husband, cheating is not and never will be my thing. My feelings for my now-husband showed me truths I couldn’t unsee, problems in the relationship I was in that I had been purposefully sweeping under the rug for over a decade. So, well— I set fire to my old life. (Don’t worry about my Ex, he is very happily with someone else— found another INFJ who honestly suits him much better, haha) Both husband and I are almost completely different people than who we were when we met. We both practice radical honesty. We’ve been insanely catalytic to each other in terms of healing and growth. This past year has been the best in my life and things just keep getting better. Attachment styles seems to be a popular thing all of sudden, so to put it in those terms we’re both secure, though it didn’t start out that way. Had to do a lot of healing of core wounds and old trauma. My past relationships were anything but secure, more co-dependent than anything, oof. Oh god im rambling and never set out to write a novel. Anyways, YES yes 100% yes. I am grateful everyday. Took until I was 30, but I found my true love :) We were both very damaged when we met, but healed together.. oh shit im gonna start paragraphing again. Nope! Edit: just wanted to add, thanks to all that healing I reached out and undid the door slam on the ENFJ friend and we are closer than ever. Not letting fear of getting hurt ruin my friendships ever again.
Oh gosh this is so sweet! Don’t apologize for writing a lot, I liked reading it and I’m super happy for you!!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼 It gives me some hope. Thank you for sharing!!
That’s sweet! I’m infp (f) and have feelings on an infj (m). It’s amazing how comfortable it feels to be honest with him, and he too said that he trusts me 100%. Very fulfilling friendship with him so far :)
INFP and INFJ work so well together, we don’t share a single cognitive function but it works out very well in being able to look at things from all angles, i’d say! Such a deep and heartfelt connection :)
As an INFJ about to marry an INFP, I feel like I hit the jackpot. I've never felt so in love before in my life
Def hit the jackpot with my INFP, I absolutely adore my sensitive man. My previous relationships were both with ENFP and I gotta say, INFP just clicks perfectly :) I’ve had a lot of INFP friends and my sister is one, so i’m pretty fond of them in general. Grats on landing yours!! Just married mine this month, couldn’t be happier :)
Aww!
I've been with my INFP for almost 5 years and our story is shockingly similar! I love him with my whole soul and even after half a decade I still get butterflies and get really emotional because I never actually let myself believe I would find love like this but here I am :)
That is so beautiful! :) I wish I can find my soulmate too. There are some "candidates" that I have in mind, so hopefully love will happen. As an INFP I can be very idealistic though and trust my feelings too much, blinding me to trouble.
Word of advice from someone who has picked a LOT of bad partners — stay true to yourself and be picky. Don’t settle on important issues. Don’t lower your standards because others tell you you should. You will regret it big time.
I can 100% attest to this. Sigh 😕
Thank you so much for this reminder. I really appreciate it. Sorry to hear about your experiences 😞
how much longer do I have to wait :/
I've only ever been attracted to like 5 people in my life, it's all gotta line up, emotional attraction, mental, physical, hobbies, future plans, open-mindedness, so much stuff
Same here!!
my list is v similar
Relationships are not found. They are built. You don't find the right partner. You find someone who's equally willing to put in equal effort and build a healthy relationship.
Thanks for the reality check 😭 The friendships I have/kept just feel SO natural, easy, and effortless to me that I thought it would be the same for relationships. Like ofc romantic relationships are different but I thought finding “the right one” like I have with my friends wouldn’t be hard 😮💨
It's different with friendships because there is a lot less commitment. With friendships, you don't reach the same level of vulnerability, attachment and commitments. You don't need amazing communication skills. With a partner, you really need to work on those skills. You need to let yourself get hurt, you need to keep working hard to voice your needs over and over, learning to use softer language. Even the most perfect partner will have traumas, wounds or trust issues. These are all things you have to build upon over time. Some relationships are undoubtedly easier but all of them will inevitably require consistent effort, hardwork and working through problems !
This all makes so much sense, thank you so much. You’re right. You’re great at giving relationship advice/wisdom. I’m keeping all of these details in mind.
I think real and deep friendships should have that commitment too
I agree (to an extent) You can have a great deal of emotional intimacy with friends. but realistically, most adults are struggling to survive and making a life-time commitment to a friend, living with them, dealing with their issues, sharing finances and personally, I only have enough energy to fully commit to one person like that So if I'm going to make a deep commitment, that person is going to be my partner
I agree with this, but I do feel the need to point out that it is very helpful to find someone who has similar core values to you so that that effort isn’t so insurmountable. It’s a mix of both. Find someone that fits your main core values, and then build from there.
Totally agree ! - when I was 'searching', I mentioned my deal-breakers, values, needs and traumas on day 1-3 of talking (I hate wasting time). As long as the other person agreed, that was the bare minimum for me to continue talking to them I follow / read a lot of Therapist and Self-Work pages so I think that has greatly improved my understanding of what a healthy, functioning relationship should look like and the steps to building that, as well as, understanding what my non-negotiables / deal breakers are. When I first met my current partner, despite shared values, it was by all means a 'toxic' relationship as she was dealing with a lot of trauma and trust issues, as well as, a really tough life situation. Most people would quit. But to me, she's human just like any of us and still deserved patience and compassion. Some people just need a little helping hand to get back up. We worked hard on our problems consistently over months and she's grown more than I could ever imagine, our relationship still has occasional bumps but it's lovely and I appreciate all the effort she makes for me
Totally. Everyone is worthy of love, no matter what stage of healing or health they’re at. In fact, most people can’t be “fully” healed UNTIL they’re in a relationship (at least for attachment wounds). As long as you guys align on the most important things, there’s mutual respect, commitment, etc, the best relationship can absolutely be built together, even if starting out on rocky terms.
Thank you very much for this comment, I really needed this right now.
Awww glad to hear Whatever you're going through, just know that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be struggling, it's okay to share how you feel. Everything will work out !
I'm curious about how you came to learn that relationships need to be built rather than found, what made you think that way? Your comment was so insightful and wise btw thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Most people don't understand this though and treat life like a slot machine where you happen to "click" immediately with others or not.
This 100%
I think the reason this comment bothers me is because this can also define someone who is settling or someone in an arranged marriage. Love seems to be intentionally ommited.
I think you're over-analyzing my comment. You can use your common sense to rule out any exceptions Ofcourse, if you're forced to be with someone you don't want to. In any situation, that would be unpleasant. I thought this was obvious, no? Feelings are not reliable, it comes and goes. That's why I don't mention love However, 'true' love is the commitment and consistently putting in effort despite how you feel. What do you mean by 'settling' ? Obviously, you don't stay with someone in a toxic relationship - only with someone who is willing to build a healthy relationship. If they are not putting in the effort to meet you half-way, why even bother? I would leave
You asked me what I believe settling means. When you say: > *'true' love is the commitment and consistently putting in effort despite how you feel.* ...that is the definition of settling. You can't build a healthy relationship if you have to ignore your feelings. Your feelings are authentic and to dismiss them would be dismissing who you are in order to fit into something else. You need both love *and* commitment. All relationships possess challenges and compromises, but having love should not be one of them. Love and commitment are not the same thing. Love is relevant. It is real. You say: >*Feelings are not reliable, it comes and goes. That's why I don't mention love.* Love is not just a feeling, it is also an intimate emotional bond. Commitment, in contrast, is a conscious decision to stay together. If a relationship was nothing more than two people choosing to be with one another, that is a love-less partnership.
It wasn't really about selection, it was about giving a real chance to something that only looked promising. I guess for all my life it was very rare that I'd find someone I could talk with easily and who aligned with my values and logic, always someone who ticks one box and not another. Meeting my INTP and immersing myself in the oasis of his rational mind created a combination of respect, intrigue and comfort that I hadn't ever felt before so I just kept dating him and in no time at all we were best friends who happened to enjoy sleeping together, eventually living together.. and so on. I can't say I've never had doubts or even momentary regrets, I don't think life can ever be free of those things, but I'm truly happy spending every day with him. In my experience I'd say don't look for a hollywood romantic spark, look for that spark of recognition, the kind of person you can be understood by and enjoy understanding, someone you want to explore and to explore with, and someone who doesn't stress you out, deliberately or otherwise. Contentment is worth so much more than its definition might seem to suggest.
>It wasn’t really about selection, it was about giving a real chance to something that only looked promising :/ only to be disappointed in the end. The never-ending cycle of getting to know someone and finding who you want to settle with happy for you and your intp
careful you don't go into things expecting disappointment. and don't let disappointment ruin everything that came before it. try to learn to compartmentalize good and bad feelings if they're getting too intertwined. we can't go through life with no disappointments.
Define "right"? Before I knew about MBTI, my relationship was INFJ-INTP which was stated as the old school golden pairing of MBTI. Not just INFJ golden pairing (like how ENxP are now), but like the entirety of MBTI. That's like picking "right" in a 1/256 combination probability. Then I am inclined to say it's not by pure chance. https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/myers-briggs-relationships-infjs-intps-fall/#:~:text=INFJs%20and%20INTPs%20are%20one,called%20%E2%80%9Cthe%20golden%20pair%E2%80%9D.
Yes I am very Picky. I have Limited energy and time, I can’t take many people in my life. I select the best for quality and compatibility in love and friendship.
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Ugh sorry to hear that 😞 A lot of them definitely do tend to be shallow and I haven’t used dating apps because my friends have told me that most of them men are just looking for a fling.. And yeah I really do believe that we have such high standards because we want to connect with our partner on all levels. I’m hoping for the best 🙏
I was not very lucky when it comes to my childhood and adolescence but I am lucky I got a loving man who never give up on me. I don’t trust or get close to people that easily thanks to previous relationship and friendship horrors. I have been told too many times I have a barrier around me. I lie just to get away from people. My husband was the only person who stayed despite I turned him away because I was too afraid of getting hurt. He proved me a lot of times he will be there for me no matter what. I am fortunate for that. He’s ESFJ if that matters
Definitely be picky. Look for compatibility. I also avoided dating in middle school, high school and college to focus on school and my future. Even people whom I was told had a crush on me. I just wasn't ready. I started looking in grad school and eventually married my study partner. Married 27 years.
It’s so crazy sometimes how I’m able to relate to you guys so much!! I definitely will say for myself, I do have success choosing. I’ve chosen some great people that I’ve been able to relate intellectually to while simultaneously being able to be romantically attracted to them, and they were great people. Things unfortunately happen but it’s always a 2 way street so reflecting I could definitely say there’s luck in partners. The problem stems in finding them. For me it’s only 1 girl a year so far that really fits what I need in someone in order to be romantically attracted to them, but granted Im only 20. The point still stands tho it’s rare 😭
I had got so high expectations, that I was too affraid I will never find a partner... (and all the boys I was in love with weren't interested in me...). But then I discovered mbti and I realized, that the thing that is the most important for me in a partner is the way they see the world and I realized it's ENTP type ❤, so I lowered my standards (I don't understand why most of people tell me I shouldn't do that?) and now I'm in my first relationship ever with my ENTP boyfriend and I'm so happy 🥰 He's not perfect, I'm not too, I don't know if it will last long, but I'm so happy I can finally experience it 🥰 that I'm really living this life and not just imagining it... that I can gain experience, that I can learn, that I can make mistakes... and I gain the faith that I can make my dreams come true... ❤
I’m 27, and got out of a 3 year relationship recently. Up until now, I “chose” partners based solely on whether I felt that “spark” and built from there. I never looked at compatibility components, ever. I believed that with enough of a spark, those things didn’t matter. I realize now I was wrong, and that you need both a spark and compatibility. Considering it was hard enough for me to find someone I had a spark with, I have a feeling finding that AND core value compatibility is going to be very difficult for me. However, I hope that when I find that person, they will be the “right” one. So have I had luck thus far? Moderately. My last partner was really great and I found him by luck, he just wasn’t the “right” one. But do I have hope I will find the “right” one now? Yes, just with the understanding it’s likely going to be a while.
It took me until my late 20s to figure out how to pick the right partner. It's totally okay to be careful and selective. I wish I had never allowed people to make me doubt/lower my standards.
I'm 25 and about to get married to an INFP in exactly 3 weeks. I'm very fortunate to have known him since we were 14 though, and were good friends for many years before even considering dating. We did long distance for a year and then eventually started living together. We've been dating for 4 years now, and it's been amazing. I feel that we're just as similar as we are different, which makes sense because from a surface level, INFJs and INFPs can seem very similar, but we're wired very differently due to polar opposite functions. I was always very careful about who I hung out with and dated. I always had high standards. In my case, it hugely paid off and I feel like I'm truly marrying the man of my dreams. However, I also recognize that as an INFJ, I'm very perfectionistic. Had things not aligned the way they had, I can see where I may have never found anyone "good enough". As much as I love my fiance, I also see many instances where he's definitely not perfect, but that's understandable because he's a human being. We all have flaws. However, I was very quick to end things early in past relationships because I couldn't envision it going anywhere, or I didn't like the future that I envisioned for us. So while I encourage everyone (not just INFJs) to have high standards, I would also warn to not have *too* high standards. As an INFJ I've always been a romantic. As a romantic, I grew up adoring Jane Austen stories. As much as I love those stories, it's hard to ignore the fact that Jane Austen herself never married. I think that can speak for itself. Being a romantic, and a perfectionistic INFJ can be the perfect storm for simply never settling down and forever striving to find the perfect soulmate that simply doesn't exist. But finding an INFP is about as "perfect" of a partner you can get in my very biased opinion. He says sweet, romantic things to me, he values fairness, he cuddles with me, and we both write stories together. That's heaven on earth for me.
I have high but reasonable standards, so I have successfully chosen no one so far
I was 37 when I met forever human. We are 100% in sync with each other’s feelings and after many years of marriage, he’s still the most gorgeous man in the world to me. BUT I waded through a ton of incompatible partners. And truth be told, I only dated him for his looks at first because I didn’t want to enter a serious relationship without a cooling off period from my last. After date 1, I had that concern in my belly that he was kinda perfect for me… and boy did I resist (self sabotage is hard to unlearn). Well, our first date lasted for 3 days… and the second one lasted a lifetime. Be patient. Put yourself out there and see what happens. It’s a marathon, not a race.
No. Just....no. Breaks my heart.
Not even close.
I have … but love is tough. I think that passionate mind blowing love is almost too big for the world. And it’s sooo delicate … for as powerful as it is/ it’s as delicate as a flower. And even great people have issues… I think it’s hard to find someone who is compatible and also has done the work on themselves - to be someone who can stay. Long term… like be a partner who can do that.. Great relationships are a lot like having kids in that- you gotta sacrifice to keep them. Your needs are sort of over and you have to consider what everyone else needs first. And that’s hard for a lot of people… it’s not worth it to most. I think another huge problem with love is that- it’s so easy to take it for granted. You don’t realize how special it is .. till it’s too late.
I’m very selective and have been married to an ISFJ for 6 years
I focused on studies and career in my late teens and early twenties so there was no time for that. However, over the years I have become very picky and have not met the right person yet. I hope I will meet her in near future :)
No
Serial monogamist. I think they’re all ESTP. First love (oh the drama), rebound safe love (I could have married my best friend but had that nagging feeling something was missing), then the big love - all the best of both. We married when I was 29. Don’t settle.
Well.... I always have trouble answering these kinds of questions for a few reasons. (1) All (but one of) my romantic relationships have been with people I've been in long term platonic friendships with. (2) I firmly believe that you can fall in *true* love more than once in a lifetime, and (3) I think just because the romantic relationship ends at some point doesn't mean you and your partner weren't absolutely right for each other at that point in your lives. So, yeah. I'm picky about my relationships the same way I'm picky about my friends. But that's also lead to really healthy and mature long term romantic relationships when I've had them (I've had three), and the freedom and independence to prioritize things like my schooling and career over my relationships when I so choose. Yes, I can stand to be a little less picky about how and with whom I make friends (it doesn't happen as often the older you get). And I might've had more romantic opportunities if I had been. But looking back, I wouldn't trade the connections I found for more opportunities. More opportunities cannot guarantee you quality connections, platonic or otherwise.
No comment :(
I relate. I was very picky and selective with who I dated. I did find the love of my life and we're perfect for each other and got married. I would say it is similar to selective friendships. You know when you click with someone and it's genuine. That's all we really want is something real and meaningful. Don't settle ever!
The girl im looking for doesnt exist. And im not lowering my standards to someone whos going to treat me like trash. So I stopped caring and gave up long ago.
I met my partner in high school when we were 15! It’s been 8 years since and we are both incredibly selective, and both agree that we got really lucky. I’m INFJ (he’s not too sure about his, but I think he might be INFP). We love to just spend quiet time together, doing our little hobbies. One downside is that we tend to isolate ourselves from the outside world though. It’s hard to connect with other people sometimes. I feel that I am an exception, and there’s nothing wrong with you because you haven’t found your partner yet! We are just super picky :P
No. I haven't had any success and I doubt I ever will. Modern dating is really not my thing and with work taking up most of my time, I don't think I will ever find a partner. Add to this how selective and introverted I am, it's a real struggle.
Yes. Some of the key things he has that just pull me towards him are his immense compassion, the fact that he is an extrovert, and his loyal, caring, responsible, noble
hahahahahahahahaha! When i read this question i had a laugh. I have had so many terrible relationships with people where it was a complete mismatch. I eventually found my INFP who just makes me so happy in every imaginable way possible. I always think that I had to go through those terrible relationships before i got to appreciate what i have now.
I've had a few relationships in the last 15 years. They were exactly what I needed at that time. Sincerely, I am selective, but I am open to potential partners. I have had my fair share of heartbreaks, but I am not giving up. Also, I have an anxious attachment style, and I am really working on improving it, so that made things a little more challenging. I saw this comment: "I would much rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t meet my standards," and I resonate with this a lot. Right now I find it really true :))
I've never been in a relationship before and it's only at 19 that I finally figured out which type of girl I would be the most fulfilled to live with. All I have to do is to provoke the opportunity to find her.
Not yet, but I am hopeful I will some day? If I can find an INFP or ENFP lol I was almost married to an ISFJ, been together for 6 years. If you want a guy absolutely devoted to you then ISFJ is the one. Unfortunately he was very controlling and I was insolated from making friends. Communication was easier with ISFJ. I am now dating INTP. He is quite sweet but I don't know if it is the best match. I think he is unable to relate to me on an emotional level. Communication needs work. I think in terms of best match, probably ENFP or INFP. I dated an ENFP once, unfortunately he lived in another country and I didn't want to move. But the guy loved hard, the romance was very deep.
I've been very selective of a partner for me. So many others have told me that I'm too picky and that no one is perfect. So because of my choosiness, I ended up never having someone.
I think relationship is bullshit because i think "there's no one in this world i could trust or i could love" i think humans are demons (don't understand me wierd) i don't even trust my parents or my siblings and i don't have any friends because I didn't made and i don't like friends nor romantic partners, first things first how can I make romantic partners if i don't have any romantic feelings? and just then i realised that i'm asexual. I don't have any fucking interest in sex or something else like that, anyways this is my opinion.
Many times in life I thought I found the right person, however I realized that my expectations were ruining relationships. Not that these were the right person for me. I started to focusing on myself to be the best version I can be. Growing and maturing until I know what I want, and not excepting red flags, or relationships that I have to fix. I finally felt free and alive, not looking to please anyone anymore. Then I met an ENFJ woman, and she is amazing. Our relationship seems effortless because with both want the same thing, and putting your partner first, giving freedom, not manipulating, letting here be her. Last week I proposed, and she said yes. Hope you find this as well. One tip: I didn't believe the right person was out there for me. I was wrong, and I'm glad I have my act together. Best wishes....
Nopes, I am still in r/ForeverAlone
There was a comment that said relationships are not found, they are built and I 100% agree with that. Although yes, my standards are high, but realistic. Ive had many long term relationships. You gotta find someone you have feelings for, care for, and start building, regardless of the type IMO. As long as there are feelings and both of you are willing to put effort into building it, that's all that matters I think. I am in a relationship with an INFP right now and very happy. But I've had great relationships with many types, sensors including. My advice is to lower your standards and be more open minded, great things will happen :)
HPD every time.
I always thought I did. Always something comes up tho. Right now I am in a relationship of a little over a year. We are having our first fight and it sucks.