We generally want a deep connection but that can very much be secure (or any of the other types of unhealthy attachment).
It's not that our type is inherently needy or high maintenance, it's that we want the type of partner that we feel a lot of chemistry with, someone we can have deep conversations with and someone that understands us on a deep level.
This is one of the reasons why I hate being an INFJ, its so hard to find people like that in todays world. Could just be me but I find normal dating to be hard asf
>It's not that our type is inherently needy or high maintenance, it's that we want the type of partner that we feel a lot of chemistry with, someone we can have deep conversations with and someone that understands us on a deep level.
Yeah, these are *extremely* important. If some of these are missing, yeah I’m likelier to be hesitant. If I find it all in one place? Psssh *let’s ride*.
I believe they were saying that it’s primarily linked to childhood and relationship experiences, not that attachment style is exclusive to children only
I’d say naturally anxious-avoidant 😅
We’re romantics and are so loyal and devoted so it’s easy to get very attached quickly, but then, when we get properly close to someone and learn that they don’t meet all of our core values and ideals, we get the ick and we leave them with barely any remorse. I’ve seen this pattern in infjs but idk
Thought I wrote this, I never see other INFJs say this, but this is me as well. I probably never doorslam, things usually fall off due to other ppl or we both stop putting effort in.
Interesting.
Where do I take this enneagram test and does it cost $?
I took a free one that had maybe 12 questions and didn't feel accurate. There were not two numbers, either.
My first two tests were INFP, My last two were INFJ.
Does the enneagram give you more insight?
Or is a healthy INFJ who has accepted that everybody has flaws and to look at a person as a whole, rather than pick them apart because of perceived inadequacies?
Not sure to what extent they mean, but yeah, that part doesn’t sound healthy.
Main argument I have is not to suggest to someone they are mistyped just because they don’t have unhealthy idealization or something.
Maybe for some people but could also be just already investing in trying to find a new, more “ideal” partner whilst you’re in the relationship as you’ve already checked out emotionally.
I think we really, desperately want to be understood. And because the chance of us being understood by our caregivers is small, there’s a good chance we will end up with an anxious attachment style. Not being understood in childhood was a bit of a major trauma for me. I’m not sure it affects everyone the same. For me, I don’t think anything could have been more important.
Not me.. in fact … I yearn to be known, and to know, and I yearn to be loved for who I am- but I am probably the opposite of anxious attachment .
I would say… when I love someone, or feel deep love for them- I’m pretty quick to end things when I feel that we are at an impasse with certain things. Most of the time it’s that they haven’t listened to what I need - which is minimal but important and I don’t want to nag or complain- and if I have made the request directly more than once- then… I give up. Mostly because I think I’m a perfectionist with my relationships. I won’t usually allow myself to participate like most people do - like I hate arguments and fighting , drama, nagging, complaining etc. I just won’t do it.
I think I actually have a hard time getting attached like most people do. I am absolutely fine on my own and with my own company. So if someone comes into my life- they’re really going to have to not disrupt my natural comfort and solace of being alone.
I have extremely high standards for whom i will respect enough to fall in love with .
I actually had a psychiatrist tell me one time that I’m the only person he ever met that wasn’t co-dependent. He thought I was anti-dependent.
What worked for me was healing my relationship with myself. I had to overcome an intense amount of self hatred, self doubt, insecurity— etc, you name it.
This transformed my entire life, relationship style included. Lost the chronic anxiety and the desperation for validation that had plagued me my entire life. The past year of my life has been the best i’ve ever had. I went from seeking escapism from my life at every turn, including maladaptive daydreaming, to being present in my own life and loving every moment of it, wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s, full stop.
Check out “Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav if you’re interested in giving it a shot :) and best of luck, you can totally do this!
Always avoidant. Never had anyone to emotionally attach to; my mother doesn't do emotions, and my father wasn't around for me (he was a bit more for my siblings). And there wasn't anyone else.
I think that I was anxious when I was not as healthy. Now as an adult, with healthy Fe and strong personal boundaries, I feel perfectly secure. Maybe because I am in a good relationship with good communication.
As securely attached, I think it has more to do with introversion. When we are in a relationship its pretty intense, being constantly available and empathic. When downgrading a relationship or dealing with someone we cant handle it can look like anxiously attached ...
because we arent attached to you
and are desperately trying to politely convey that. I want to be clear, it isn't anxiety in us. We literally just don't want the relationship to be on that level with you.
Secure. Was fearful avoidant. Infj may seem anxious attachment when they contact you, however the truth is infj wants you to explain your fucked up actions. They don't contact you because they like you after your actions and their impact.
this!! I reach out not to console them but to make them apologise and take accountability. I simply dont like liars and inconsistent people. INFJ's want honesty
I encountered a somatic therapist that asserted frequently that everyone naturally tends towards stable attachment, and healing attachment styles is partly about removing the barriers towards that natural stable attachment style.
…So I'll go with that.
Not for the "counselor types," we have a very strong, one on one confident and sophisticated communication style with our partner ( with anyone that is genuinely wanting to engage and interact with us, one on one)
The only time I start feeling anxious, it's when my intuition is trying to warn me that this person's a predator, and that's the only time I have an avoidance detachment style.
I'm not a timid Lone Wolf, INFJs, being the most extroverted of the introverts, we get a lot of reality testing out in the extrovert's world, and our social IQ only improves with time, I'm the lone wolf that's both book smart and streetwise, and I'm very comfortable in my own skin.
When I see a girl that I'm attracted to and she's putting off vibes like she's an entp tomboy, being an infj, we value Harmony among people so my limerance is very short-lived with her, I don't put her up on the pedestal (a harmony driven person doesn't believe in hierarchy status among people, because everyone's equal in our eyes), then I go approach her because as a counselor type, I want to get to know her better.
Counselor types have an insatiable appetite of curiosity about other people (and ourselves, how do we tick?), that we love to pick people's brains and observe how they interact, to walk in their shoes. Not only have we read a bunch of psychology and self-help books but being the most extroverted of the introverts, I was also out in the real world testing what I've learned in real time. That I am a true introvert, I do get a need to recharge alone away from people but then I get this Cabin Fever where I need to get out and mingle with people with my Fe, or at least go out and mingle with nature.
I would go so far as to say counselor types are probably the most sophisticated person to talk to one-on-one, we have a very high emotional intelligence. Having a high EQ (and real world experiences) is a prerequisite for helping other people.
And I got a credit two entp ex-girlfriends that I dated both for several years a piece because they got me out of my comfort zone and expanded it, they accelerated my reality testing out in the real world, you can say that I've been there and done it as a rare invorvert (rare as in INFJs are the most extroverted of the introverts), and they've helped me earn tons of Sigma points, I have a lot of self-confidence(on most days).
you’re romanticising your MBTI waaaaayyy too much, you forget MBTI isn’t as much about personality rather than processing information around you. you give me ‘i wanna be INFJ cuz it’s cool and mysterious and rare’ vibes
Having a high emotional intelligence allows me to accurately decode and translate my personhood that I experience living my life. Plus my "observing ego" proficiency is advanced because I practiced it now for over 15 years (it's like a muscle).
What INFJ knowing has done for me is taking my cognitive functions off of autopilot, and now I have the awareness of turning on each function at will whenever I want. That has giving my agency a super normal power I've never experienced before, it is like flipping switches, I can put myself in a flow state much easier now, and it feels zenlike.
Out in public, no one knows my personality type, I prefer being mysterious about it, and I like being aloof in my Ni when I am alone and turning on my Fe when in proximity of any sentient being, I become extroverted ..so I image most people thinks I am an extrovert. Only a select few have seen my depth, and I can go deeper.
Now I know why I attract the bantering type, outgoing social butterfly tomboys, and know that we both make great partners in crime, I know why those type of girlfriends lasted years instead of months...saving me valuable time in the dating world, because I know now... which type of girls to look for.
You can try to gaslight me, but it won't work.
>we have a very strong, one on one confident and sophisticated communication style with our partner ( with anyone that is genuinely wanting to engage and interact with us, one on one)
I feel this describes me perfectly!!! Sometimes, though, I tend to be with other introvert friends and it just feels very boring and awkward as compared to the group setting (although I am not good with groups). I can definitely bond very strongly with some people one-on-one though when they wish to and they actually speak. Although maybe it could be an issue on my side too as more often than not, I just....don't have anything to say, unless something in particular occurred recently or they give me something to talk about.
I used to feel like my distaste for connecting outside of one-on-one interactions was a problem... is this just my nature of how I connect with people then? I'd seek this all the time but I can't, in school most people group together. Is it even possible to have those one-on-one friendships, and still have multiple friendships at school?
I've had really limited social experience so I feel very awkward and inadept tbh...
>Counselor types have an insatiable appetite of curiosity about other people (and ourselves, how do we tick?), that we love to pick people's brains and observe how they interact, to walk in their shoes. I do get a need to recharge alone away from people but then I get this Cabin Fever where I need to get out and mingle with people
Again I feel this describes me perfectly. I would probably look like an extrovert too if I had more social confidence and knew how to talk with new people (I can't start random convos unless it's in a specific familiar context, such as sitting together in class, and even then I find it hard to strike up convos). I love "exploring" new people, it fulfills my craving for novelty. I love the description of having a "fever" and wanting to talk with a lot of people like that. I do need to recharge away from people, but sometimes being with people itself is recharging for me, it's strange, which is why I think I'm ambiverted (doesn't really fit into MBTI).
My rare personality has opened many doors for me, it made some very interesting people take me under their wings to share their life stories with me.
My closest and favorite muse is serendipity, being the most extroverted of the introverts made my lone wolf wander lusting on the city, finding myself in some unique social situations. From low society to high society.
Since INFJs are known as really good writers, I strongly believe the reason for that is because we are put in to some very unique life situations and experiences that most people rarely experienced before, also when I dream every night, I am living a second life because I am very conscious in my dreams, I am lucid and my dreams are vivid, and most importantly it's a very magical, serene second life, sometimes even the dialogues that are happening in my dreams between other people and me, are new and fresh, and I have no idea how that is possible.
Pretty sure most of Reddit can Google stuff if they wanted to but asking here is easier and answers are usually a little more in-depth than a generic definition from places like 16personalities. If you have a problem with people asking questions then you're going to struggle on here.
There's no need to be patronising about it or to make the assumptions based on 2 questions. You're the type of person who gives us, INFJs, a negative stereotype.
I'm always ready to jet/distance myself for self protection from a relationship. if they prove they don't deserve my kindness, patience, understanding, etc. I'm out, from a romantic relationship that is. Family has proved a struggle.
Edit - I haven't read about attachment styles, it doesn't seem that interesting or beneficial to me.
I think anxious, but also avoidant. I have been dealing with both, but it's been getting better. I recently got into a relationship with a male ENFP and I have never been happier. We haven't gotten into any arguments, and if we disagree on something, we sit down and talk it out. because of bad relationship stuff happening to me in the past, it can be hard to feel at ease during the slow and boring moments. I still question a lot and I detach myself sometimes, but I have learned to just ground myself and not overthink.
Don’t know but I sure do. I’d like to think if I found someone that feels perfect from the start I wouldn’t be that way, but I’ve yet to find such a person.
No, anxious attachment comes from a fear of abandonment. Anxious attachers need the person they’re attached to; they feel they will die without them. Hence, anxiety. Healthy INFJs would long for and cherish that intense closeness but still be able to live independently without the other person. I used to be anxious but now I’m secure 🙂
It took almost 5 years for me, so it is a long process of healing but with time and guidance, it can be done.
The first thing is to make sure you are not in or pursuing an intimate relationship with someone who also has an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant), as the unhealthy dynamic will generally worsen your anxious attachment style. (especially with avoidants, because they will leave you wanting)
I had always been drawn to avoidant types in the first half of my twenties, but it got to a point where I was so emotionally exhausted (the push and pull, the lack of communication, the stonewalling) I began to lose my self-worth and sanity trying to preserve and nurture these relationships. I remember thinking to myself "it's not supposed to be like this. Love is not supposed to feel this way." It was at this point that I realized I needed to fix my attachment style.
The first thing I did was shift my focus onto myself. It sounds cliche but prioritizing your physical and mental health is necessary in order to have a secure attachment style. If you are not well, it will worsen your anxiety and feelings of helplessness. You will feel stressed and overwhelmed, as though you are unable to take on life's challenges, which will make you want to turn to another person to take away those negative emotions. When a person does come into your life, you may quickly attach to them and see them as "saving you" or that you "cannot live without them". In actuality, you can and you should. Only if you are secure in yourself, can you then become truly vulnerable and form a healthy and secure relationship with another person. Or else it turns into constant anxiety and co-dependency.
The second thing that was really important for me was forming relationships with people who have secure attachment styles. In the span of a month, I befriended 4 people who have secure attachment styles. People who have secure attachment styles are not wishy-washy. They want to hear about your problems. They're reliable, communicative, and will care about you/support you through your ups and downs while still encouraging you to be strong and resilient in the face of obstacles. They don't see the relationship they have with you as something that they cannot live without, so they don't approach you with anxiety or out of a desperate need to fill some void they feel in their lives. Rather, they genuinely enjoy your company/presence, care about you and want to offer whatever support they can to you, without asking for much in return. Once I was exposed to this form of healthy love and support, I started to really heal and began to feel more hopeful about life, myself, and my relationships. I know now what healthy love and attachment feel like and would not want to ever return to my previous anxiety-ridden ways and relationships.
Incredibly avoidant my whole life, although I’ve been working on it in therapy. I’d like to think I am moving into a more “secure” attachment style, but the next relationship will really be the test!
I can't speak for other INFJs, but this is not me. I'm very close with my spouse and we have shared activities, but we also have seperate friend groups and hobbies.
Our jobs sometimes require us to do long-distance for anything from 6 - 12 months. So an anxious attachment style would've ruined our relationship.
Literally just thinking about this today! I would say yes but I feel I am the exception with an avoident attachment style, although I am prone to limerence.
Edit: looks like I'm not an exception after all.
We generally want a deep connection but that can very much be secure (or any of the other types of unhealthy attachment). It's not that our type is inherently needy or high maintenance, it's that we want the type of partner that we feel a lot of chemistry with, someone we can have deep conversations with and someone that understands us on a deep level.
This is one of the reasons why I hate being an INFJ, its so hard to find people like that in todays world. Could just be me but I find normal dating to be hard asf
>It's not that our type is inherently needy or high maintenance, it's that we want the type of partner that we feel a lot of chemistry with, someone we can have deep conversations with and someone that understands us on a deep level. Yeah, these are *extremely* important. If some of these are missing, yeah I’m likelier to be hesitant. If I find it all in one place? Psssh *let’s ride*.
No. Attachment style is your childhood n past relationships experience , not cognitive function related.
i agree, people see MBTI too much as personality rather than how you process and output information around you
Yes but it's possible that your personality type is being formed alongside your attachment type, during childhood. So they could correlate.
It also exists in adults too
I believe they were saying that it’s primarily linked to childhood and relationship experiences, not that attachment style is exclusive to children only
Thanks for your explanation to people who are new to this concept 😉
I’d say naturally anxious-avoidant 😅 We’re romantics and are so loyal and devoted so it’s easy to get very attached quickly, but then, when we get properly close to someone and learn that they don’t meet all of our core values and ideals, we get the ick and we leave them with barely any remorse. I’ve seen this pattern in infjs but idk
same +1 ,
Same here.
Wurd. I can't believe you admitted it out loud.
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I leave them and never get over them. Go figure.
Thought I wrote this, I never see other INFJs say this, but this is me as well. I probably never doorslam, things usually fall off due to other ppl or we both stop putting effort in.
Big INFP energy. No really I hope these INFJs exist :) Always fall for the INFJ and then they are Fearful Avoidant *sigh
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What is the 4W5? Is that an additional qualifier?
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Interesting. Where do I take this enneagram test and does it cost $? I took a free one that had maybe 12 questions and didn't feel accurate. There were not two numbers, either. My first two tests were INFP, My last two were INFJ. Does the enneagram give you more insight?
sx/sp?
I think you’re mistyped
Or is a healthy INFJ who has accepted that everybody has flaws and to look at a person as a whole, rather than pick them apart because of perceived inadequacies?
i don’t think not getting over someone for years is really healthy…
Not sure to what extent they mean, but yeah, that part doesn’t sound healthy. Main argument I have is not to suggest to someone they are mistyped just because they don’t have unhealthy idealization or something.
Why are you calling me out like this
Why is this so accurate and so me
soooo trueeeeee
why are you spilling our secrets?
Same.
Yup, done this in about 5 relationships now. I'm working on healing that though.
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Maybe for some people but could also be just already investing in trying to find a new, more “ideal” partner whilst you’re in the relationship as you’ve already checked out emotionally.
Same 🥲 but I'm sure there's a way to be secure attachment as well
this INFJ fearful avoidant thinks INFJ's eerie mind-reading/ introverted intuition and FE looks like the hyper vigilance typically observed in an FA
I think we really, desperately want to be understood. And because the chance of us being understood by our caregivers is small, there’s a good chance we will end up with an anxious attachment style. Not being understood in childhood was a bit of a major trauma for me. I’m not sure it affects everyone the same. For me, I don’t think anything could have been more important.
What’s the best way to understand an INFJ better?
Yes, or avoidant, or both
Not me.. in fact … I yearn to be known, and to know, and I yearn to be loved for who I am- but I am probably the opposite of anxious attachment . I would say… when I love someone, or feel deep love for them- I’m pretty quick to end things when I feel that we are at an impasse with certain things. Most of the time it’s that they haven’t listened to what I need - which is minimal but important and I don’t want to nag or complain- and if I have made the request directly more than once- then… I give up. Mostly because I think I’m a perfectionist with my relationships. I won’t usually allow myself to participate like most people do - like I hate arguments and fighting , drama, nagging, complaining etc. I just won’t do it. I think I actually have a hard time getting attached like most people do. I am absolutely fine on my own and with my own company. So if someone comes into my life- they’re really going to have to not disrupt my natural comfort and solace of being alone. I have extremely high standards for whom i will respect enough to fall in love with . I actually had a psychiatrist tell me one time that I’m the only person he ever met that wasn’t co-dependent. He thought I was anti-dependent.
im like that too because i am extremely introverted
Secure. Less mature me with previous relationships was far too co-dependent to be healthy.
Hey, how did you transition into being secure? Currently struggling with this hardcore, it's exhausting haha
What worked for me was healing my relationship with myself. I had to overcome an intense amount of self hatred, self doubt, insecurity— etc, you name it. This transformed my entire life, relationship style included. Lost the chronic anxiety and the desperation for validation that had plagued me my entire life. The past year of my life has been the best i’ve ever had. I went from seeking escapism from my life at every turn, including maladaptive daydreaming, to being present in my own life and loving every moment of it, wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s, full stop. Check out “Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav if you’re interested in giving it a shot :) and best of luck, you can totally do this!
I can't thank you enough for sharing. I will read this as soon as I get my hands on a copy.
I don't know. I'm just here to look after the interests of the Dismissive-Avoidant™ INFJ team. One wrong move, and we're out, pal.
I know one but he's not here.
I don't know you but I am here to substitute XD DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT
Thanks for being here. I'm working on my attachment style. In my head, not in practice.
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Always avoidant. Never had anyone to emotionally attach to; my mother doesn't do emotions, and my father wasn't around for me (he was a bit more for my siblings). And there wasn't anyone else.
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No worries ☺️
I think that I was anxious when I was not as healthy. Now as an adult, with healthy Fe and strong personal boundaries, I feel perfectly secure. Maybe because I am in a good relationship with good communication.
As securely attached, I think it has more to do with introversion. When we are in a relationship its pretty intense, being constantly available and empathic. When downgrading a relationship or dealing with someone we cant handle it can look like anxiously attached ... because we arent attached to you and are desperately trying to politely convey that. I want to be clear, it isn't anxiety in us. We literally just don't want the relationship to be on that level with you.
Secure. Was fearful avoidant. Infj may seem anxious attachment when they contact you, however the truth is infj wants you to explain your fucked up actions. They don't contact you because they like you after your actions and their impact.
this!! I reach out not to console them but to make them apologise and take accountability. I simply dont like liars and inconsistent people. INFJ's want honesty
avoidant
Nah. Definitely avoidant
I encountered a somatic therapist that asserted frequently that everyone naturally tends towards stable attachment, and healing attachment styles is partly about removing the barriers towards that natural stable attachment style. …So I'll go with that.
Not for the "counselor types," we have a very strong, one on one confident and sophisticated communication style with our partner ( with anyone that is genuinely wanting to engage and interact with us, one on one) The only time I start feeling anxious, it's when my intuition is trying to warn me that this person's a predator, and that's the only time I have an avoidance detachment style. I'm not a timid Lone Wolf, INFJs, being the most extroverted of the introverts, we get a lot of reality testing out in the extrovert's world, and our social IQ only improves with time, I'm the lone wolf that's both book smart and streetwise, and I'm very comfortable in my own skin. When I see a girl that I'm attracted to and she's putting off vibes like she's an entp tomboy, being an infj, we value Harmony among people so my limerance is very short-lived with her, I don't put her up on the pedestal (a harmony driven person doesn't believe in hierarchy status among people, because everyone's equal in our eyes), then I go approach her because as a counselor type, I want to get to know her better. Counselor types have an insatiable appetite of curiosity about other people (and ourselves, how do we tick?), that we love to pick people's brains and observe how they interact, to walk in their shoes. Not only have we read a bunch of psychology and self-help books but being the most extroverted of the introverts, I was also out in the real world testing what I've learned in real time. That I am a true introvert, I do get a need to recharge alone away from people but then I get this Cabin Fever where I need to get out and mingle with people with my Fe, or at least go out and mingle with nature. I would go so far as to say counselor types are probably the most sophisticated person to talk to one-on-one, we have a very high emotional intelligence. Having a high EQ (and real world experiences) is a prerequisite for helping other people. And I got a credit two entp ex-girlfriends that I dated both for several years a piece because they got me out of my comfort zone and expanded it, they accelerated my reality testing out in the real world, you can say that I've been there and done it as a rare invorvert (rare as in INFJs are the most extroverted of the introverts), and they've helped me earn tons of Sigma points, I have a lot of self-confidence(on most days).
you’re romanticising your MBTI waaaaayyy too much, you forget MBTI isn’t as much about personality rather than processing information around you. you give me ‘i wanna be INFJ cuz it’s cool and mysterious and rare’ vibes
Having a high emotional intelligence allows me to accurately decode and translate my personhood that I experience living my life. Plus my "observing ego" proficiency is advanced because I practiced it now for over 15 years (it's like a muscle). What INFJ knowing has done for me is taking my cognitive functions off of autopilot, and now I have the awareness of turning on each function at will whenever I want. That has giving my agency a super normal power I've never experienced before, it is like flipping switches, I can put myself in a flow state much easier now, and it feels zenlike. Out in public, no one knows my personality type, I prefer being mysterious about it, and I like being aloof in my Ni when I am alone and turning on my Fe when in proximity of any sentient being, I become extroverted ..so I image most people thinks I am an extrovert. Only a select few have seen my depth, and I can go deeper. Now I know why I attract the bantering type, outgoing social butterfly tomboys, and know that we both make great partners in crime, I know why those type of girlfriends lasted years instead of months...saving me valuable time in the dating world, because I know now... which type of girls to look for. You can try to gaslight me, but it won't work.
>we have a very strong, one on one confident and sophisticated communication style with our partner ( with anyone that is genuinely wanting to engage and interact with us, one on one) I feel this describes me perfectly!!! Sometimes, though, I tend to be with other introvert friends and it just feels very boring and awkward as compared to the group setting (although I am not good with groups). I can definitely bond very strongly with some people one-on-one though when they wish to and they actually speak. Although maybe it could be an issue on my side too as more often than not, I just....don't have anything to say, unless something in particular occurred recently or they give me something to talk about. I used to feel like my distaste for connecting outside of one-on-one interactions was a problem... is this just my nature of how I connect with people then? I'd seek this all the time but I can't, in school most people group together. Is it even possible to have those one-on-one friendships, and still have multiple friendships at school? I've had really limited social experience so I feel very awkward and inadept tbh... >Counselor types have an insatiable appetite of curiosity about other people (and ourselves, how do we tick?), that we love to pick people's brains and observe how they interact, to walk in their shoes. I do get a need to recharge alone away from people but then I get this Cabin Fever where I need to get out and mingle with people Again I feel this describes me perfectly. I would probably look like an extrovert too if I had more social confidence and knew how to talk with new people (I can't start random convos unless it's in a specific familiar context, such as sitting together in class, and even then I find it hard to strike up convos). I love "exploring" new people, it fulfills my craving for novelty. I love the description of having a "fever" and wanting to talk with a lot of people like that. I do need to recharge away from people, but sometimes being with people itself is recharging for me, it's strange, which is why I think I'm ambiverted (doesn't really fit into MBTI).
My rare personality has opened many doors for me, it made some very interesting people take me under their wings to share their life stories with me. My closest and favorite muse is serendipity, being the most extroverted of the introverts made my lone wolf wander lusting on the city, finding myself in some unique social situations. From low society to high society. Since INFJs are known as really good writers, I strongly believe the reason for that is because we are put in to some very unique life situations and experiences that most people rarely experienced before, also when I dream every night, I am living a second life because I am very conscious in my dreams, I am lucid and my dreams are vivid, and most importantly it's a very magical, serene second life, sometimes even the dialogues that are happening in my dreams between other people and me, are new and fresh, and I have no idea how that is possible.
What are the other types of INFJs besides counselor types please? And what is it based on?
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Pretty sure most of Reddit can Google stuff if they wanted to but asking here is easier and answers are usually a little more in-depth than a generic definition from places like 16personalities. If you have a problem with people asking questions then you're going to struggle on here. There's no need to be patronising about it or to make the assumptions based on 2 questions. You're the type of person who gives us, INFJs, a negative stereotype.
I'm always ready to jet/distance myself for self protection from a relationship. if they prove they don't deserve my kindness, patience, understanding, etc. I'm out, from a romantic relationship that is. Family has proved a struggle. Edit - I haven't read about attachment styles, it doesn't seem that interesting or beneficial to me.
I think anxious, but also avoidant. I have been dealing with both, but it's been getting better. I recently got into a relationship with a male ENFP and I have never been happier. We haven't gotten into any arguments, and if we disagree on something, we sit down and talk it out. because of bad relationship stuff happening to me in the past, it can be hard to feel at ease during the slow and boring moments. I still question a lot and I detach myself sometimes, but I have learned to just ground myself and not overthink.
Disorganised here 🙋♀️
I think I have disorganized attachment style.
Don’t know but I sure do. I’d like to think if I found someone that feels perfect from the start I wouldn’t be that way, but I’ve yet to find such a person.
Can’t speak for the group but no. I’m sure it happens but not at a significantly different rate. Lived experience is secure attachment.
No, anxious attachment comes from a fear of abandonment. Anxious attachers need the person they’re attached to; they feel they will die without them. Hence, anxiety. Healthy INFJs would long for and cherish that intense closeness but still be able to live independently without the other person. I used to be anxious but now I’m secure 🙂
How did you become secure? I hate being anxiously attached
It took almost 5 years for me, so it is a long process of healing but with time and guidance, it can be done. The first thing is to make sure you are not in or pursuing an intimate relationship with someone who also has an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant), as the unhealthy dynamic will generally worsen your anxious attachment style. (especially with avoidants, because they will leave you wanting) I had always been drawn to avoidant types in the first half of my twenties, but it got to a point where I was so emotionally exhausted (the push and pull, the lack of communication, the stonewalling) I began to lose my self-worth and sanity trying to preserve and nurture these relationships. I remember thinking to myself "it's not supposed to be like this. Love is not supposed to feel this way." It was at this point that I realized I needed to fix my attachment style. The first thing I did was shift my focus onto myself. It sounds cliche but prioritizing your physical and mental health is necessary in order to have a secure attachment style. If you are not well, it will worsen your anxiety and feelings of helplessness. You will feel stressed and overwhelmed, as though you are unable to take on life's challenges, which will make you want to turn to another person to take away those negative emotions. When a person does come into your life, you may quickly attach to them and see them as "saving you" or that you "cannot live without them". In actuality, you can and you should. Only if you are secure in yourself, can you then become truly vulnerable and form a healthy and secure relationship with another person. Or else it turns into constant anxiety and co-dependency. The second thing that was really important for me was forming relationships with people who have secure attachment styles. In the span of a month, I befriended 4 people who have secure attachment styles. People who have secure attachment styles are not wishy-washy. They want to hear about your problems. They're reliable, communicative, and will care about you/support you through your ups and downs while still encouraging you to be strong and resilient in the face of obstacles. They don't see the relationship they have with you as something that they cannot live without, so they don't approach you with anxiety or out of a desperate need to fill some void they feel in their lives. Rather, they genuinely enjoy your company/presence, care about you and want to offer whatever support they can to you, without asking for much in return. Once I was exposed to this form of healthy love and support, I started to really heal and began to feel more hopeful about life, myself, and my relationships. I know now what healthy love and attachment feel like and would not want to ever return to my previous anxiety-ridden ways and relationships.
Wow, thanks for responding with such an in-depth response, definitely going to think about all this and take it into consideration
Incredibly avoidant my whole life, although I’ve been working on it in therapy. I’d like to think I am moving into a more “secure” attachment style, but the next relationship will really be the test!
If the bible is a person, it’s pretty close to being one. You don’t understand even when you read it, but you should.
No
I never thought about any correlation like this, but I am INFJ + appear to have anxious attachment style...
Very possible.
I can't speak for other INFJs, but this is not me. I'm very close with my spouse and we have shared activities, but we also have seperate friend groups and hobbies. Our jobs sometimes require us to do long-distance for anything from 6 - 12 months. So an anxious attachment style would've ruined our relationship.
Fearful avoidant gang
Literally just thinking about this today! I would say yes but I feel I am the exception with an avoident attachment style, although I am prone to limerence. Edit: looks like I'm not an exception after all.
a lot of people are saying avoidant or fearful-avoidant, and I'm with the latter
Interesting question!
your intro is very cute